If I Were You - 576: Nose Picker

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

In this episode we discuss cheeseburgers, smegma and tiny benches. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. How to test a mirror is the devil's advocate. Don't be coy, the show's kinda dirty. Why won't a mirror stop getting turties? Jake and Amir, they tell us what to do. Our problems are infinite. Unified for you. From a star box set to bad impressions.

Really fights with a thousand decorations. Jake and Amir, you fix everything by just being here. So... Would you say that's now the official song of If I Were You? Uh, no. Jake and Amir, what? I wouldn't say that that was the official theme song of If I Were You. It was good.

I mean, it was great. I will go so far as to say. We officially have a new theme song. We've never had anything for the end of the episode. And for every episode moving forward. That's right. So, 500 plus episodes of using a new one. And you're finally ready to settle just on this one.

I think we found the perfect theme song. I thought that was incredible. I don't think we need another. If you've written one already, thank you. But this one is the ace, okay? I disagree. I'd like to hear more theme songs. If you've written one already, especially, you should send them.

Honestly. I don't think so. This one is a few years old. I just found it thinking that we might not have ever played it before, but there's a chance we had. No, I would have remembered. I would have made it the official theme song. Let's not even thank or shout out this person.

Why? Let's just, because we can just make it the official theme song, and I feel like that's more than enough. I want to send her a contract so that we can use it in perpetuity without credit starting eight minutes ago. Yeah. I feel like when you send them, that's kind of an, it's a quid pro quo contract.

Yeah. You write. We don't have artist agreements with anyone who's ever seen the theme song. Replying. But they can only cease and desist one episode of the podcast. I wanted to send her a cease and desist, so that she can't ever hear this song again. A cease and desist.

I'm actually a beast with the assist. I'm going to send her a cease and insist, as in I insist you stop countersuing me. No, but really, that's, you want to just move on right into the episode? No. Okay. Yeah.

All right. All right. All right. The Instagram is It's Missy Faye. F-A-Y-E. Thank you. And I'm a dreamy sort of soft rock musician from Vancouver, British Columbia.

Oh, sick. I was just in Vancouver. Lovely city. You two have given me enormous amounts of joy over the years, and I'm so grateful for the escape. You really do deserve so much more than this. Perhaps a golden mic each. Not each, but that's really cool.

That's really cool. Can we move on into the episode? I have some really impressive pressing news to share. Okay. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake, and I received my Starbucks year in review

moments before, moments before we recorded, and I have it right here. So the app Starbucks sends you. It tells me what my favorite drink was. What do you think it was? That chocolate foam thing that you were saying? No, that was 2021, Jackass. That was in 2021.

You were pretty into the milkshake thing. I was very into it, yes, in 2021, but this is my year in review of 22. Cold brew? Exactly right. Exactly right. Nice. Now, now, do you want to guess how many store visits

I had to Starbucks in 2022? And if you get it within five, I'll give you $1,000. Wow. Okay. So here's what I know. If this was 2018 or something, that number would be close to 350. If it was 20, it would have been over 365.

Over. I think it would have been over. More than once a day. Yes. When I fail. Every single day guaranteed, and sometimes I'd go twice. Okay. But this is a brave new me.

It's 2023. Of course, this is 2022. We're talking about, but how many store visits? And the $1,000 is on the line for you. The store visit as in like across all stores? Across all stores. How many times did I order a drink on the Starbucks app? Well, I know you've been going to like more local haunts.

Your, whatever the one you sent me to near your house that one time. Yes. Yes. Yes. The Cotter Barber indeed. Yeah. Devotion or whatever. Yes.

Yes. But obviously you weren't off Starbucks entirely. You were still traveling potentially hungover at an airport one day. You needed the green goddess. I go home to Connecticut. There's no, there's no Starbucks, or there's no, there's no like good local coffee near my parents house. Yeah.

I have to go to Starbucks there. I wonder if that's even true, or if you just sort of convince yourself you have to go to Starbucks there. I mean, I could go, I definitely drive close enough to another coffee shop for sure. But I like going to Starbucks. 65 is my guesstimate. 65. 65.

About, yeah, four or five times so much. Unfortunately, you do owe me $1,000. The answer is 47. That's not bad. 47 is, it's close, but within five was the... So are you proud of 47, or is that higher or lower than you think? It's, it's kind of both. Oddly.

You thought it was less, but it's still a solid amount for a coffee shop you're kind of trying to avoid. Yeah. I would, I'm happy that it's, that it's under 50. You know, that's over a month of Starbucks. That seems maybe a lot, but that's fine. Do I have that? Does everyone app?

Does everyone have that app? Well, no, it was just an email. Oh, so it's not like baked into the Starbucks app that I use. Do you have, do you have the Starbucks app? I do. Okay. And do you use it when you go shopping? Starbucks.

Sorry, when you go to Starbucks. Yeah. I'm at Target and I'm just using the Starbucks app. Well, I do all my shopping at Starbucks. Can I get that 2% milk, 12 croissants? They have one thing that they don't have. A carton of eggs that you use to make the egg wrap thing. And you should be able to find it.

Yeah. Where is it? I see offer scan home. It came to me from Starbucks Rewards. And the subject is it was a treat treating you in 22. Is this because you went there a thousand times in over three years that they treat you like some sort of VIP? Yes.

I'm the equivalent of a million miler at Starbucks. I get to brew my own coffee if I want to there. Yeah, I don't see a year in review thing oddly enough. It was a treat treating you. Starbucks treat. Oh, actually the last time I got an email from Starbucks about a treat is open on your birthday. So I'm going to get another one of those coming up.

Treating you is our favorite thing. We can redeem on 118. Hell yeah. Oh, interesting. So you don't have, you don't have this? I guess I don't. I wonder if you could see it in your, I mean, this is not interesting anymore, I guess, because now we're not even talking about the visits.

We're talking about where to find them if you have them. Yeah. Let us know if you've gotten them. You might be able to go into the app and see. Yeah. We'll take a look during a break. Is there any more data that they give you? Your most common drink they give you?

How many stores you visited? Yeah. Let me see. They give me some general information. Yeah. Like the trends. 70% like it cold. Kind of interesting.

That's just in general for you specifically. No, that's, that's in general. I basically 100% like it cold. Yeah. Do you ever get a hot coffee? 60% like it custom. Sorry. Do you ever get a hot coffee?

Not at Starbucks. I have before. Sometimes I'll get like an espresso or something. I remember I did that in Denver. Yeah. I was on the road feeling sluggish. It's 4pm. I don't want a cold brew.

So I just got a single espresso. That's cool. Yeah. But I don't usually do that. Feeling cold may delete later. What was the number one fun drink customization trend we saw this year? Topping Starbucks refreshers. What's that?

I don't know. A refresher. Yeah. I don't, I don't know. It doesn't. Wow. Three plus million cheese danishes were sold this year. Okay.

Now you're just reading the stock report. You're an investor or something and they sent you like the annual report. You're the one that made me fucking go open the email again. I was done when I told you my store visits. Oh, Starbucks refresher I think are like the syrup that they put on like drinks to make them like yellow or purple, you know, like, um, Megan drag, mango, dragon, fruit, mango, dragon, fruit, Starbucks refresher beverage. So I think they added to like sparkling water to make it colorful and flavorful.

That's interesting. What else can we say about Starbucks? I'm going to, I'm going to postmates you a pink drink Starbucks refresher. Like Starbucks refresher beverage. Um, I, okay. It looks like strawberry milk, but there's full chunks of dried strawberries in there. Actually. I don't really need it, but I do, I do want you to waste your money.

So go for it. I went to, uh, I went to a movie yesterday. I saw Megan. Megan. Shout out. Good things. It was great. And shout out friend of the pod, Allison Williams for crushing it yet again.

Big shout out. Very entertaining movie. Highly recommend. Uh, yeah. And a friend that I went with, Sean Perlman, who will never hear this, got an icy. An icy? An icy. I see.

Did they have those back east? I mean, you just like the frozen drink at the movies. The frozen drink at the movies. Exactly. Right. I don't know. Is Marika in the room? She would know.

Yeah. She's not. I assume it's a national thing. The red straw with like the spoon at the bottom, like the straws open up. Yeah. Yeah. I, and I had like a little bit of his, um, and it like just totally brought me back to like getting icies at like, I haven't gotten an icy in 35 years, but like I remembered the

flavor and the texture and the taste. It was incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it crazy how the senses will do that? Sometimes just like, yeah, you smell something and you're, you're transported. Yeah. I used to, I used to think that the straws were normal red straws.

And the more you drink, the more it like opened at the bottom and became a spoon. Oh, wow. And then one day I'm like, I'm going to test it right away to see how open it is. And it was open already. I'm like, wait a minute. I've been drinking from the straw thinking it opens into a spoon, but it's been a spoon the entire time. That's so dumb.

Now, now I use the, the straw spoon to eat soup. Yeah. You take it. You take it. You have one, you have one on your key ring, right? It's a customized silver icy spoon straw and I drink fucking matzo ball soup with it. It's on my key smart. Yeah.

Exactly right. Your key smart. My key smart is key smartless. All right. So that's, I guess my unsolicited advice is to see Megan a little bit early, but that's, I wanted to get that out there. Sweet. Okay.

I got a question from a dude. Actually, this might be a lady. It's called doodle dilemma. Do you remember setting me this one? Yes. Yes, I do. As I doodle, I should say. That's funny.

Is this a lady? I don't know. Okay. So some background, I've always doodled in the margin of my notes. It's always something I do to keep my hands busy. Usually things like geometric design or different shading, silly abstract things. Recently, however, my friend took my paper and drew a vagina on it. I think it was a joke.

I don't remember. I think it was a joke. I don't know if that was being serious. Anyway, I'm talking spread eagle but whole detail and everything. I thought it was neat that you could make it so realistic looking. And so sometimes I doodle that cut to today. My professor was checking my lab notebooks and I completely blanked that it was in there. I showed it to him while he flipped through and suddenly cleared his throat and quickly closed my notebook and gave it back to me.

I knew instantly what had happened. I'm so completely mortified. I don't know if I should tell him something or pretend it didn't happen. I think he was avoiding me for the rest of class and I straight up cannot look this man in the face. It was our last lab. So maybe it's just not worth bringing it up. Let me know what you think. Even if you don't answer this on the show, send me something to make me laugh.

I just keep thinking about it and getting embarrassed all over again. Oh my God. So yes, just send them a gift that will make them laugh. That's good. Actually, we're shooting this as the two studio setup. So it's kind of a nicer camera. I'm going to show a gift that keeps making me laugh. But you can answer this question.

Okay. I guess my question is, what do you tell the professor that like smooths this over? It's like, oh, sorry. I drew a vagina and anus in the margin. The truth is just that you did this and there's not really any. It's kind of like, it feels almost like somebody walking in on you in the bathroom. It's embarrassing. You'll think about it and it's embarrassing.

Nothing can be done to come back from it. Right. It's also not that embarrassing. Like what's the embarrassing thing? Like, okay, I drew a vagina and you saw it and now what? Like that's fine. Ultimately globally. It's embarrassing.

I wouldn't, if I had that on my notebook, I wouldn't want anyone to see it. Yeah. I mean, it's a lesson really. Don't doodle that in a notebook. Yeah. At least one that you use for school. Were you a doodler? I think I was.

I mean, yeah, I think I doodled. Never anything erotic, but yeah. Yeah, doodle. I doodle even now. Really? Just, I mean, nothing. Yeah. Yeah.

I do. I actually paint. Manga erotica. So I'll do some pretty hyper specific cocks the robbing. Yeah. This was the gift that I wanted to show, which camera should I show this to? Is it too far away? It might be too far.

You could stretch your hand out right here in the middle. I'll stretch it out. Yeah, I definitely, I definitely can't see it. Yeah. Even remotely. It's a guy slowly pushing a hot dog. Maybe we can have Grim digitally insert it. It's a guy pushing a hot dog into his mouth and it looks like some sort of like painting.

If you search hot dog in your iMessage app, Ben Schwartz sends me that a lot and it's always funny. I guess if you search hot dog in your GIF app, there's just a lot of funny gifs in general. Right. That's actually a good point for finding questions. Hot dog is a funny, it's a funny pairing of words. Yeah. These are all really funny.

There's one of a hot dog dancing. There's one of a guy with 50 hot dogs in his mouth. Wow. So this is our podcast now. It's instead of us doing comedy, we just are, we're describing funny gifs. This one's pretty good actually. It's a hot dog. We have a wiener and it's sort of the peanut butter jelly time banana guy.

That's good. But it's, what do you call it? No, you can't even describe it. It's like the sausage link, the fucking thing, the tube, the baloney tube. You know what I'm talking about? The casing? You know the fucking meal, the thing that you eat at a ball game. You said link?

Yeah. Like a link. Like what's it called? The fucking like pink tube. I feel like you said the right thing already. A pink tube with like the bun and you can have it with mustard or ketchup. Are you talking about the hot dog? Yeah, the hot dog.

Exactly right. And he's sort of dancing to the beat. To the what? Yeah. I don't know if you can't really see it. It's too far away obviously. You can't really see it. Yeah.

You can't really see it and you can't really describe it. And you're just distracted. You have your laptop and your phone open. I have an iPad right here playing a Netflix show. Yellowstone, season three. Yellowstone. And I'm FaceTiming on an Android and I'm reading on an Amazon Fire Kindle. Let's take a break.

I'm obviously overstimulated. I'm still fucking rolling from the icy. We need to take a break. Let's reset. You're on a sugar high. My teeth are pink. I'm freaking the fuck out. Let's take a break.

Think some sponsors and come back with more questions after these messages. Nice. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah.

So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't sleep for the better part of the decade. Excuse me. I do not brag.

I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right.

And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com. If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows. Come on. Yes. This is their best offer yet. And no, it won't last long with Helix.

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Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store.

They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season.

A summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website. So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace.

And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter. Oh, I'm coming. Gross. No. Not personally, do you? I had something that I wish I had taken, but I didn't.

Oh, okay. Let's hear it. I guess I can open it up to you. Do you have an umbrella? Yes. Right. So I don't have an umbrella thinking that most of the time I don't need one, obviously. That's true.

Yeah. And then it comes time to need one and I just don't have one. Yeah. Umbrellas were easier not to have in New York because it was like if it's raining, you just get one at the store right next to your apartment. Yeah. They just sort of leave them on the street. Yeah.

But now, now you're in LA. So without an umbrella, you're kind of out of, well, I mean, you have a car. You have a car. Yeah. Your garage is connected to your house. That's right. You drive, I guess it's just about like that brief walk into the office or something. Right.

Like you have to sort of make the pros and cons of like every time you would use the umbrella and then the cons of like having to have an umbrella and keep an umbrella and have it in your car and shake it off and you know, to me it's always just like it's never entirely worth it individually for every event. They don't take up very much space. I mean, I just have an umbrella in my closet. It's completely non-intrusive, huh? Are you using it for every rainy day?

Yeah. If it's going to rain, I'll put it in my backpack. It's a compact umbrella. And you wear it to the subway and then you sort of shake it. And I wear it to the subway. I hold it to the subway. And then you get downstairs and you sort of close it. Have you never seen an umbrella?

I've seen it in an umbrella. It sounds like you, you just said you wanted an umbrella. It sounds like you're pitching against them now. I'm deciding whether I should have one at all. I, yeah, I wear, I, I wear the umbrella on my wrist and I, and I hold it as I walk to the subway. And as I'm going down, I contract it, shake it off, shake it off, tire up with a little cover on it.

Oh, you're doing the cover. You're going cover. You have the tiny little cover. You have the tiny little cover. Cover just for the subway, taking the cover off when you get off the subway. It's going on my backpack. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. That's, that's a full, that's the full Monty. Are you ever getting a power umbrella, a fucking long ass, powerful umbrella with a wooden hook handle? Are you doing like a little fucking Dwayne Reed, little dingus, like, oh shit, it's broken off. God damn it's inside out.

Yeah. I walk, I walk to the subway. I shake it off, press the button, trip down the stairs, break my neck, lie in a puddle, screaming, help me. I get impaled on one of the prongs. I have several umbrellas. I have a menagerie of umbrellas. Really?

Okay. Okay. Yes. Yes. And I'll tell you about them if you shut up for two seconds. Okay. Okay. Can I?

Yeah. Let's hear it. Do I have the floor? Yes, you have the floor. When I rescued my dog, I decided that I needed a golf umbrella because I didn't want to stand out in the rain and getting wet and, and having him get wet and having him shake off his fur when he comes inside. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So I got an umbrella that has a six foot canopy. Jesus. Enormous. It is so sturdy. It is so strong. I go out there and it's like I'm under a tent.

People huddle near me for warps. I've seen several, several, several young, young children rush toward me on the street so they could have shelter from the rain, dogs, cats, the rats. I'm like fucking Noah with his dumb ass arc with this umbrella. I'm serious. So is it like at that size, is it even like a button that expands it automatically or are you like fully pressing up? You wish it was a button.

It is a crank. I need two men to help me. I bring it out on a wheelbarrow. It's a beach umbrella. I use a winch. It's a beach umbrella. Yes. I use a winch to get it standing straight.

A winch? I have a winch for this winch. Yes. It is planted in the ground. I have one man under the latch. There's no way. There's two big. Raise the umbrella.

It's two big. You're talking about it. My harem to lift the umbrella. It's too big. And parade me down the street. Do you really have an umbrella so big that you and your dog fit underneath it? I do actually have a six foot golf umbrella. It is strong.

It is sturdy. It's button. So I bring it outside and that thing, it pops. You feel it. Yeah. Okay. And I go out there and it's a three foot radius all around me. Wow.

And the dog stays close enough to have it or it's like sort of in and out of that little. I stay. I mean, I stay close. I don't give him any space. You give him a tight leash. Yeah. I'm just with him. Yeah.

And he doesn't like the rain. He doesn't want to be out there either. You're sort of holding them up to your chest like it's a hostage negotiation while you walk down the street. I crawl with him. I crawl with him and I piss too to encourage that behavior. Because I have to incentivize his, yeah, exactly. Is your nation.

Yeah. He doesn't just do it with these, it's kind of a mimicry. So you have to literally take a dump onto like little patches of grass so that he sees what you were doing. Exactly. Exactly right. You guys take turns expressing each other's anal glands under this. And he holds the umbrella while I shit.

It sounds like he's walking you quite honestly. Yeah. And he does sleep with Jill and I sleep in the little crate. Got it. But he eats the dog food and I eat the dinner. So we really do share obligations. He's doing the next podcast we're recording to today, but Dingo is going to be co-hosting the next one.

It's clear to me now that Dingo is this, I guess, Italian guy in a dog costume that you rescued. Oh, come on. Was it because he sleeps with Jill? Yes. That's a huge part of it. You're being cucked by your mutt. Actually speaking of being cucked by a dog, I was also going to mention just speaking

of my dog's penis that I did clean the schmegma from his wiener yesterday when I got home. What's that? You've never heard of schmegma before? I feel like it was a big thing when we were in high school. It's kind of like the pus mucus thing that collects under the foreskin. And he was sort of licking himself and had this little buildup or? Yeah. I saw this kind of like a weird little discharge near his penis and I thought it was an infection

and I googled it and I read that it was just schmegma and it was fine, but you're supposed to clean it. Would you use to clean it a fucking pita chip? You fucking gross freak. I bet you used a fucking pita chip. You freaked. What do you use to clean your dog's schmegma? Or have you never, ever done it?

And Luke just fucking is covered in schmegma and you pick him up and you get some. He's not covered in schmegma. I love you, Luke. No, he's not covered in schmegma. Because at least my dog doesn't have the schmegma because I did clean it. With a paper towel. With a paper towel. And one pita chip.

You sick fuck. He's snide prick. Have you ever seen this little red rocket come out? I've seen the lipstick. Yeah. Yeah. It's alarming. It's eye-opening.

It's humbling, actually. It's actually really dangerous is what it is for me to see that. To know that a little pooch is more well-hung than I'll ever be is, it's kind of cool. It's actually really, really, really cool. It's awe-inspiring is what it is. It gives me something to try to obtain. It sort of lightens the bridge between now and the future for me. My role model?

It's my dog in 10 years. Not dog's dick in 10 minutes. Because he's going to hump the couch. Yeah. I'm jealous of that energy. We got a question about weed, I was going to say. Nice. 420 style.

Yeah. Oh wait. Lastly, should I get an umbrella? Is that what you're suggesting? Where should I get an umbrella? Yeah. Get a small umbrella. Small umbrella.

And get it with a little, if you're anti-shaking, then get it with the little sleeve that it can go into. Oh wow. A washer and a compact umbrella because you don't really need it for any kind of long walking. Thanks. I needed to hear that. Yeah.

And I'd keep it in, you know how you walk in, in your house to the right? There is that, the little bench where you have your shoes. The little bench. Yeah. I know there's a bench where I have my shoes. Okay. I wouldn't say it's a fucking, a little bench like it's like a place where like a fucking six-year-old girl has a tea party.

I see that there's a power bench where I have my tools. He said you don't have any tools. I asked you, you were looking at your dishwasher. Yeah, it's broken. I asked you if you had any tools. I didn't have any tools. And you said, oh, the guy left this and you handed me a small little pack of like screwdriver heads for a drill, drill head, drill bits.

Yeah. And I'm looking at your dishwasher for you. Correct. I asked you for tools and you handed me drill bits. Like they would be any use in anything I could possibly do. The dishwasher was broken. So here's your tool. It's absolutely broken.

It's something, it was like it was a scavenger hunt for tools instead of, you know, actually finding something useful. He came back for the bits and I played dumb. Oh. By the way, it is a very small bench. Don't die and stop bench. Not to belabor the point, but it's a tiny bench and you have little doll shoes on it. What I'm doing there is building a house, a miniature, a miniature house because it's

a miniature. Yeah. So there is a little doll house and there's a little teacup set, but it's not like a little cutesy bench or whatever. Anyway, I'll try to keep an umbrella there. I would put the umbrella back in the back of the bench against the wall. You can still put a pair of shoes in front of it. As long as it's a big enough bench that it has two inches of clearance and can still accept

a pair of shoes, but it might be too small for that. Do more people have umbrellas or just say, fuck it, not interested? It's an interesting question. I bet more people don't. Yeah. It's close to 50, 50. I think a lot of people that don't live in a place like... They're just like, I'll get wet or I'll get a rain jacket and deal with it, whatever.

There's a lot of cities and towns that are just built for cars. You walk out of your apartment complex and you're in a covered garage. You drive to the mall. You never really have to go outside. Yeah. There are places that are built where you don't have to go outside very much. But then I bet in places where it rains all the time, people are like, yeah, I just have a rain jacket and rain shoes and rain this, so I don't have to hold an umbrella.

It might be like a sign of like, you're new here that you need an umbrella. Maybe. Or it might be a, I feel like people where it rains all the time know how to prepare for wet weather. So they have the umbrella. They have the rain jacket. They have the waterproof shoes. They have it all.

They need nothing. They want nothing and you are nothing, except a guy with no tools and a tiny ass bench. I actually used an umbrella from a tropical drink for a day to try to stave away some of the boys. A little teakie. A little teakie. You're better off holding the drink upside down on your head, which, yeah, I tried that ones too and I was covered in this syrupy pina colada drink for a lifetime.

Yeah. All right. A virgin. We have a question about weed for crying out loud. All right, go ahead. I have a big problem that I need your help with. First things first, my dad hates weed. I don't really care about it myself.

It's not for me. On the other hand, my two brothers often partake in the drug. They sneak away to the garage and to get high at least three times a week. My dad knows what's going on and recruited me as a spy to try to rat them out. He oftentimes comes up to me out of nowhere and asks me if I gathered any info and I, of course, say no. I don't want to tell on my brothers and I don't want to keep lying to my dad. So what should I do?

Thanks for your help. PS, I don't think talking this out with my dad is going to work. Yeah. Do you partake in weed? I don't really. Hmm. Neither do I. But but I have before and and I've also lied to my dad and I don't like doing it now.

But when I was younger, it's fine. I think you don't like lying to your dad as an adult, but when you're younger, it's fine. I don't lie to him now. But yeah, when you could lie to him about weed, that's kind of like a classic standard. What you should lie to your parents about. You're not even lying about your own use. You're just lying about not seeing your brother. Why don't you just not spy and then I'll say, did you see anything?

And then you'll say, no. Yeah. Well, he's not spying and he's not saying anything. But his dad's like, you should go out there and fucking be my inside. Well, I thought he is. I thought his dad recruited him to spy and then he'll say, did you see anything? Yeah, I think that's what's happening. But so he says you recruited him to spy and you just don't actually ever spy.

So then you could get out of it. But without saying anything, you could just be like, dad, I have better things to do. I have homework. I have a part time job. I'm masturbating to hentai porn in my bedroom. There's just, you don't have to say I didn't see anything or you don't have to say they're smoking. You just say, I'm not looking for any other number of reasons.

Yeah. It is funny that weed is sort of stigmatized more than like drinking. If you're, a lot of kids are like, their parents are like fine with you drinking beer, but like don't do drugs is the prevailing theory. Everybody kind of admits that weed is not bad and the thing against it was always that it was a gateway drug. But alcohol is not even a gateway thing. Alcohol is just like bad and can ruin your life on its own.

And weed is a gateway drug to other bad drugs like hell, maybe alcohol. So it just goes straight to alcohol. Don't go through the gateway of weed. But if you're under 18, it's illegal. So you shouldn't be doing any of this stuff. Am I right? Weed is illegal under 18? I believe so.

Weed and cigarettes. Yeah. I guess it depends on the state. Maybe. Yeah. Some states weed is illegal just for everybody. Right. So even in states where it's legal, you have to be 18.

I guess to smoke, but you have to be 18 to eat weed? 21. Yeah. Probably you have to be 18 to buy weed to eat weed. In California it's 21. Oh, in California it's 21, says Casey. So it's, wait. So cigarettes are 18?

I think they just upped it in California to 21. Oh wow, 21 across the board. In California. In California. Right. Across the board in your state. Yeah. Would you rather your kid at age 18, where it's too young but still kind of a fully

formed voting adult, be into cigarettes, weed, or alcohol? Probably, I guess 18 alcohol, even though I know that's not smart. All right, cool. But I feel like I just, I don't like the stoner energy. I wouldn't want to deal with that. I wouldn't want like a little fish head running around my house. Yeah. Like he's trying to grow dreads and has a black light poster.

Yeah. He's listening to music. At least like I also like alcohol, so I understand the impulse. Right. Because it makes you feel loose. Yeah. Me too. I can make you feel loose.

Why don't you wrestle your old man? Maybe in the backyard. Don't, don't role play anything you just said. Okay. I can make you feel loose, is not. Well, in this world you're sort of a chiropractor. Yeah. Yeah, I hope.

What was the other option? Oh, cigarettes, cigarettes. Books. Books, poetry and stuff like that. But you said alcohol? Yeah, alcohol over books. That's just because I don't like that nerd energy. What about you?

I already know the answer. What's the answer? Weed. Weed. I would want my, yeah, I don't know. I guess you can't really die from weed and you can die from alcohol. Yeah. That's why I think it's smarter.

And it's probably more of a phase than alcohol because alcohol is kind of like, I really think that alcohol just sticks with you if you start liking it early. Perhaps, perhaps. All right, let's take a break, come back, answer another question after these messages. Love it. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business, but with Stamps.com all you need is a computer

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Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make

a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

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So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. All right.

Go code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we are back. Yeah. We got one last question to rule them all. All right.

Hey, guys. Love you and the show is from a lady. Thanks. I'm writing to you because I think you are the most appropriate people to give me advice on this. Great. At work, my desk is perpendicular to the new guy's desk, which means I can see him at all times.

I don't know if he's completely dumb or he thinks that I can't see him or that this is normal to him because he's French, but this dude is fucking gross. He picks his nose and eats the boogers. I don't know what to do about it. Every time he does it, he makes me want to barf and I'm thinking of getting, uh, saying something because it's getting more and more frequent. How can I get him to stop without making things awkward for the both of us? Thank you.

Thank you. Love. I don't know. Uh, Megan. All right, Megan, I was, I was curious about this question because you pick your nose and eat it. So I was wondering, like, I guess what's the impulse there for when you eat your boogers, like when you pick your nose and eat your own, uh, crusty ass burger?

Why are you doing that? I bet. I do not. Is it just like a compulsion? Does it taste good? Is it an old habit that you never kicked? I've seen two sometimes where you like blow your, you pull out your bottom lip, cover it over your nostril and just like blow directly into your mouth to kind of create more of,

uh, I guess like a gutter effect so you can suck from the teat of your nostril. Positive feedback loop where you're puking boogers up into your nose and out of your ass and like this hula hoop of shit. So I'm understanding, I'm trying to understand the why of it all for you because I think that it's not French. I think we can safely say it's not just a French thing because you're Israeli and you also. Yes, I'm not French.

I'm not French. There you have it folks. The admitted it. That's nothing. That's a nothing burger. I do pick my nose that being said. Not proud of it, but it does feel good. And to just get a nice boogie out of there, there's no greater feeling, I guess.

Some of my hobbies slash good feelings are gross. I like to fart. It feels nice. There's a good relief there. It's gross. Obviously, picking my nose, it's like scratching an itch. That's just always there. Also feels good.

I would never, nor have I ever eaten my booger. It's trash to me that I discard. Where do you, you just flick it in a random, any random direction. You're at home. Yeah. That's a kind of a constant struggle that I'm dealing with. Sometimes I'll try to put it on like a piece of trash that I'm like about to throw away anyway.

Like a paper towel or like I'm not done talking. Well, I'm asking you if you get a huge Hawken burger, booger. Excuse me. I get a little hamburger out of my nose. Huge booger. Yeah. There's nowhere to put it. What do you do with it?

Sometimes I'll hold it until I go to a sink or a toilet and I'll put it there. Sometimes I'll put it in trash that I'm going to discard. Sometimes I'll put it in like an old water bottle or drink a bottle. Sometimes, and sometimes there's nowhere for it to go. Flick it. And you eat it. Flick it good. I never eat it.

I'm telling you, I never eat it. And I'm obviously not French. No, I'm a nose picker too. You and I both have this same bad habit where we pick our nose. Why does it feel so good, I wonder? I don't know. It's cathartic. It's satisfying to remove the blockage.

Yeah. But I also think it's just like a nervous tick because like I will not pick my nose at all and I'll make a conscious effort not to. And then like something will start to stress me out and I just like put my thumb in my nose. Interesting. It's kind of like sucking your thumb. Yeah.

It's something I can control. Everything is all going awry all around me, but I can keep my nose clean with my finger. What's your finger of choice? Let's fucking get into it. Mostly right index. Really? I'm a thumb. That's too big.

My thumb is too big for my nostrils. Yeah. I just like to thumb it out like a shovel. Yeah. And then suck it down like an oyster. Oh no, you do not. Clams casino, man. Now I'm thinking about, God, all this talk just makes you want to pick it right now.

It's such a distinct, I can feel what it feels like to be young and have like you're outside, you're snot running down your lips and you kind of like can go like that. You taste like the saltiness of it, you know, like I wouldn't want to, it when it happens by accident, you never, I would never, I also would never actually eat a booger. I think that's absolutely foul, but I feel like knowing that it's salty, I can almost understand the impulse. This is probably the grossest thing we've ever discussed. This is probably the grossest thing we've ever discussed.

I'm saying I have French ancestry. You know when you sort of suck up through your nose and sometimes hawk a loogie, but sometimes you don't, you swallow it, that's kind of the same thing. It certainly is. It certainly is. And doesn't it kind of taste good when you have a loogie in the back of your throat? It's salty. How is this?

My unsolicited advice next week might be to eat your own boogers. I'm going to give it a shot. I've never done it, but I will admit that I imagine it tastes fine to good. I don't think it tastes bad, otherwise no one would do it. Yeah, I mean, it's an acquired taste, I'm sure, like any bitter, salty thing. It's not the first thing. I don't think a salty thing is an acquired taste. I think humans just crave salty things.

I don't think that's acquired at all. I think that's innate in our fucking genealogy. Yeah. When you described your nose running into your mouth so blissfully, it's pretty obvious you do like the taste of it. Like you're not trying to be hypothetical anymore. Yeah, I'm admitting that it's salty and good. But I'm saying, despite knowing that, I have enough pride and I know my worth that I'm

not going to eat my own boogers. But if it's not dribbles into my mouth, am I not going to enjoy it? If you prick me, do I not bleed? Life is about these simple pleasures. Yeah, and I try to dress sort of light in the winter so that I get it cold. That way the runny nose is not anything bad. It's sort of just like this positive nutritional river that flows back into me. I would never do this, but I kind of want her.

It sounds like she's on the cusp of confronting this guy, which I think he deserves to have happened to him. And if she doesn't feel like the shame, like, and she shouldn't, it is shameful for him. I kind of want that to happen. I would never be able to do it, but if you can do it by all means, I think you could just be like, I can see you picking your nose and eating and it's grossing me out. It's making me feel sick. I just say that to somebody is so confrontational.

Yeah, maybe there's a way to, but like he's actually making her physically ill if she's actually about to throw up. Yeah, I mean, maybe there's another orient, if it's me, I find another orientation for the computer. Yeah. I never see it. Yeah, but like, yeah, like what's the adult thing to do to like tell your boss to tell him to just say it to him as like a, you know, a grown up to another grown up.

Go to HR. Yeah. I mean, there's not like a specific thing in the manual of like, you can't do this. Yeah. I mean, if your company has HR, I think I actually would try to do that because they went to school for this exact type of thing. There must be a system in place. What if you do the passive aggressive, like, do you need a tissue?

Then it's like, I'm just being helpful because you're eating your muggers. Do you need a tissue? Yeah, that's not bad. That's not bad. But I will say there's probably something about hygiene in the HR handbook. If you work at a Fortune 500 company. Right. Would you rather sit next to a farder or a booger eater?

Booger eater. I can turn away and ignore that. You can't ignore a fart. Interesting. I think I'd go farder because farders don't like gross me out to see. It's just, yeah. You would go, what if it's, what if it smelled awful? What if it just smelled like shit near you all day?

Well, the farting happened. You wouldn't notice because your farting, your farting too is the thing. Everybody that sits near you is sitting next to a booger picker and a farder. Like, what would I rather do? I work with you. I'd have both. I, every time, when I was at your house the other day, you were ripping ass, flicking boogers, guzzling the snot from your, direct from your nose.

It's disgusting. It's despicable. Let's see you say that shit here in the same studio. I dare you to, I feel like you're brazen now that you're like, make a note. Make a note to confront Amir next time I'm in LA. All right. It's noted. Actually, you're going to be here next.

Emma, Emma, make a note that we're going to talk about this IRL and actually we're, we're going to fight. No way. I was just sort of trying to act tough. I'm not actually down to fight you. Come to New York, dude. Come to New York. I'm going to kick your ass in the studio on the podcast.

No. I hope everyone's subscribed on YouTube. I'm actually going to beat you up when you come here. How? Like not even play wrestling. Yeah. I'm going to fucking give you a beat down. What?

What happened? I, I like hit my hand too hard against my other, my fist or my open hand, my fist against my open hand. When you beat me up, it's going to be a lot harder than that. You're going to be hitting bone. I was shaking it to kind of like feel better, but it hurt my wrist. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'm being, you're losing a fight. I was looking at my wrist and it like tweaks my neck in this really weird way. Try not to move. I think we're looking down. The episode's over. It's spreading. Pass the tissue. That's the final result.

That's the final advice. I say HR. All right. HR or, hey, would you like a tissue? That way. It's sort of a passive aggressive, but helpful offering. You could go even more passive aggressive and just put a tissue box on his desk. You won't even know who it's from.

That's good. I got you a box of Kleenex. Yeah. Or a bottle of Frank's and a very tiny fork to enjoy your boogers even more. God damn it. You know I want them because I started calling them burgers. You're salivating it with the thought of eating a cheese booger. A cheese booger.

You should open a restaurant, man, and you're allowed to fart in the booth. That's the cheese booger difference. Most restaurants frown on that, but here at Cheese Boogers, you can fart in the booths. All right. That's it. That's our time. That's our episode. Thank you for watching.

Thank you for listening. However, you consume this content. We appreciate it. Right. Thank you. More of us on our Patreon. Patreon.com. We're watching Jake and Amir videos reminiscing.

That's right. Exactly. So thanks to those of you who have been watching us there, and if you have your own questions or theme songs, we're running low. So now's the time. If I were you, show at gmail.com. Exactly. Let's hear again from It's Missy Faye, that great, what you considered the goat theme

song. It's perfect. It's our theme song moving forward. We heard it on the way in. Now let's hear it on the way out, and we'll see you next week. Ciao, everybody. Bye. Bye.

Bye. So, that was a hit gum original.