If I Were You - 577: Amir Is Yogurt

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

In this episode we discuss goatees, cacti, and get a surprise call from a friend. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. Still got it. Still perfect. The new theme song, kickin' arse. Let's keep on truckin' with no thank you or credit for the artist. So last week we played that. You liked it so much.

You're like, this should be our new theme song, which we've never done. We've always had a new theme song at the top of every episode. But here it is for the second week in a row. It's 500 episodes, might as well try something new. Way more, almost 600 episodes. We're gonna try something new, which is to replay that theme song by its Missy Faye. We're coming up on a decade, so it might as well be different. I know.

I'm sitting, we're back in the studio, the separate studio setup. So, Jake's in New York, I'm in LA. If you want, you can watch this on YouTube. We should just say we're back in the studio. Because when people see this on YouTube, it looks so good that it almost looks like we're in the same room. Wow, that's cool. I put a pillow behind my back. Have you ever done that move?

Have I ever had a pillow behind my back? Yeah, like a throw pillow, an extra pillow, more than just a couch cushion. Have I ever done that, or do you think maybe you came up with it for the first time? Well, I'm just saying, if it's either me or you, let's see, are you wearing a pillow behind your back? Or it's just sort of... I don't have one behind my back. It feels nice. I'm curious what it'll look like on the day.

Do I look like I'm sort of like... It looks like you have better posture, but then your shirt is tighter. Yeah. It's kind of like a give and take. I'm trying to like... It's hard. Yeah. Emma, what do you think? Does this look normal?

Emma's nodding. It forces you to sit up. She said it looks pretty close to normal. Yeah. It kind of looks like... Yeah, we're sitting in like a orthopedic... A specific chair to like help our back issues or something. Yeah.

The whole video thing, while nice, while fun, it's made me more conscious of like what I'm doing, you know? Yeah, you don't want to be like reading comments where it's like, whoa, a mirror looks pale, or oh my God, what happened to his teeth this episode, or like... Well, I mean, I would never read a comment, but I... More just like when I see it, like I see like the promotional, like the TikTok or something, and I'm like, wow, why am I sitting like that? Right. You know?

Yeah. My posture is bad. Posture is hard because to have good posture kind of hurts, but then it's like, is this a good kind of pain, or am I not supposed to hurt when I have... I think it's a good kind, because like, I mean, my shoulders hurt sometimes, and the thing is because I'm like this all the time. You slouch. Yeah.

When I see people that look like they're pain-free, they have perfect posture, and I don't think it hurts them to have it that way. Right. But it's... I feel like I'm worried that it's baked into their DNA. Like if I just like start sitting up right now, like this would just not... This wouldn't work for me, dog. I think my New Year's resolution for 2024 or maybe 25 will be better posture.

This year is taking, because I'm trying to watch more Instagram Reels, but... The opposite of posture. Yeah. But I feel like I haven't... I don't spend enough time on Instagram, so I'm trying to like kind of experience more in my Discover page. I want to follow more people on Instagram, see more stories. The opposite of what you should be doing.

Your goal is to use social media more and to have worse posture. Not social media, just Instagram. Yeah. Like rolling... I have good posture by 2025, so I won't even have to have to have that as a resolution. All your shoulders back. Keep them there. Every time I do that, I have like...

There's like a click that happens in my... In my... The base of my neck. Yeah, like is that normal? It's definitely not. I'm having a... Because it doesn't happen. I'm having a...

Is this normal doctor appointment today? For what? I can't wait to keep you abreast of what happens. It's a... I'm finally seeing like an ear nose and throat doctor to see if I actually have small nasal airway or this is just what actually everybody has and it's... Is it normal? Is what I'm going to have.

And if you have a small nasal airway, are you going to get a surgery that expands it? It's not a surgery. It's a procedure. There are some procedures that you can just sort of open the airways, let the air flow easily, which might... What is the procedure? The doctor sticks his cock down your nose? Oh my God.

I'm just kidding. He... Just kidding. Anyway, he takes these two dildos and he puts them one in each nostril, right? And then... Well, actually this doctor only has one dildo and he'll be using his cock for the other one. It's a strap on actually. That's...

Do you... Are you having trouble breathing or is it more about your snoring or is it about your night terrors? It's sort of everything all rolled into one. I snore. I'm a mouth breather. I don't feel like I'm getting enough... Like I feel like it's... There's constrictive air flow when I just go straight nose.

If you get this procedure and your voice just suddenly sounds like this. And I'm outside throwing baseball. Yeah, it fixes your posture somehow too. That would be awesome. I guess I was holding a lot of air right up here in this passageway. And as soon as it was released, my body relaxed. My body relaxed. So we were able to undeviate your septum and now your 6, 3, 2, 12.

It's pretty cool. Your 28. Look at that. Holy shit. You're aging backwards. Your Benjamin Buttoning man. You were holding all your neuroses in your nasal thin passage. And now that it's been opened.

Did someone... Did Avi Tal ask you to go or are you just feeling like, you know what? Everything else is good. I'm curious about this thing. A combination of both. It's snoring plus Sean Perlman friend of me had a similar thing where he was like having trouble breathing and he like, they like were able to widen his whatever going on. And then like, he's like a few days after they like take gauze out and he's like, I

feel like I can breathe out of my nose for the first time in a while. Yeah. My sister-in-law's boyfriend just got some procedure done because he was snoring and it was bothering her and he's like, he said he feels like a new person. Your sister-in-law's boyfriend. Yeah. So that's, I'm just trying to fucking figure out this family tree calculus that you seem to throw at us.

My sister-in-law. Sister-in-law. That's like one of Sarah's fucking wife or something. Huh? My sister-Sarah's wife. It would, that would be, it could be, but then it would be weird when I said her boyfriend. So unless Sarah was in some kind of strange thrupple where she was married but then. That's why I'm trying to like wrap my fucking nose around it.

I can understand, if you're misunderstanding it to that extent, I can understand how it's complicated. The point was that the surgery or the procedure sounds good, but never mind. I was trying to like encourage you because I felt bad that I had made the dildo joke, but now I just feel like. Let's go together. We'll get this thing done together. I don't think I need it.

I think I don't breathe as deeply as I could, but I don't know if it's, it has, I don't think it has anything to do with my nose. Yeah. You think it's just a mental thing? Are you, is your mouth open when you're sleeping? Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely open while I sleep.

Yeah. And I think that like if I'm concentrating on something, I can hear my, like I hear myself going. Yeah. You're like wake snoring. Yeah. Yeah. So I know that that's not good.

Right. And I also feel like sometimes I try to train myself. You know, like when you take a deep breath, when you're breathing in, your stomach should be expanding. You know, like that's you taking air in, but I feel like usually when I breathe in, I'm like sucking in, but maybe that's my lungs getting bigger. I think that's correct. Yeah.

And then when you breathe out, everything like fills up again. Yeah. I'd like a sleep study as long as we're here doc. Let's just fucking put everything to the test. You and I should get physicals as an episode of this podcast. That's cool. And then we can have like a theme song that's like, let's get physicals. We're not changing the theme song, but otherwise that's interesting to me.

It's either interesting or and it's happening or you refuse to budge on this theme song thing. The theme song is perfect. Why would we? How about the theme song is still the Missy Faye song. But the segue. By the way, I don't, I think we actually didn't give Missy any credit. I think I made a joke about it and then we didn't plug anything.

Is that possible? Um, yeah. I mean, it's her, her Instagram is it's Missy Faye. Yeah. We did it last week for sure. Yeah. For sure. Yeah.

Totally. Uh, and again, she says, you guys give me a lot of joy and you deserve so much more than this, perhaps a golden mic each. So. Right. Yeah. I think I'll see. Yeah.

Jake's kind of in charge of that shit. I wonder why you're the judge and the jury. That's whack. It's interesting. It's interesting that you're going to use the episode to question, like, let's talk about this offline, right? Yeah. So the episode should be about the content, not about the rules for obtaining or losing

the golden mic. I respect the sanctity of the podcast. That's why I try to have a good posture for it. Meanwhile, your slouchy ass needs a pillow to prop yourself up. So that's a turdy for you and you're using a pillow. Yeah. But I don't have to. There's a difference.

You're wearing a Burger King crown. That's obviously not golden mic behavior. Can't really tell actually. To have a sponsor. Yeah. All right. Here we go. Questions, answers.

This is if I were you. The only advice pod on the web hosted by us. Right. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. You sent me a pretty nasty one last week that we didn't get to called spying on a stranger. Oh, I did. Yeah.

Nasty, potential possible serial killer. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. This is, I think this guy is from like Sweden or some shit. So we'll call him, you know, the most famous Swedish person ever. Ikea. Yeah. Ikea.

Isn't Ikea a company? I think it is a guy that started. He made a store. Yeah. Okay. Well, here we go. Ikea says, last week and I was visiting my friend and his family had a big family gathering at his house with dinner and games.

And after dinner, we all went to the pavilion to have a drink and I found myself standing in a circle with my friend and a couple of his aunts and uncles and during the conversation one of his uncles suddenly goes silent and stared down at these open palms of his hands as if contemplating something terrible he had done with them. As I watched him suddenly, he stared up and looked directly at me. It was as though time stood still and for 10 seconds, his black eyes pierced mine with pure hatred. Then just a sudden he looked away and carried on in the conversation going on around us.

To my amazement, no one seemed to have noticed anything. And when I told my friend about it later, he just told me I was being silly. But when I asked him if he had something weird had ever happened to his uncle, he froze and told me about his uncle's wife who had fallen down a flight of stairs and died eight years ago. The death had always been deemed suspicious by some in the family, but no one spoke of it anymore. Now my friend is wondering if his uncle had something to hide, so we decided to investigate

However, we're not really sure where to begin and could use your advice. The plan right now is to go to the uncle's house at night and look through the windows to see if we can expose his evil ways. What do you think? Please advise. Thank you. What do you think? What do you think about this whole thing?

It sounds like the beginning of a TV show. One of those dark, foreign dramas that I love. Yeah, yeah. He's staring at his hands. He's like a fun, casual conversation and then this uncle who's just like some Scandinavian murder drama. His thick hands because he does real work, so his fingernails are kind of coarse and crusty and falling apart and his palms are sort of thick with real-

These weak palms are sweaty. There's vomit on his mother's spaghetti and he stares down at the fucking guy and then snaps out of it and then he hears later that that guy could have potentially shoved his wife to death, pushed her down a flight of stairs. It's weird. It's interesting. It's interesting that he would bring that up to his friend and his friend wouldn't say anything.

He's like, well, did anything weird ever happen? Well, I guess he might have pushed his wife down the stairs. A flight. Yeah, like that would be the first thing that I would have thought of when my friend brought it up. I think if I were to push somebody to their death down a flight of stairs, I would make it a point not to stare at my hands in disbelief ever and just be like, what have I done? What have I done?

Because that's where it gives away. Maybe you can't help it. That's kind of like the point. Interesting. What I would do is not necessarily peer into his house because then it looks like you're trying to do something nefarious. I would try to trigger his flashback slash suicidal homicidal behaviors by saying stuff like this might just be the push in the pants we need.

I really wish that somebody would shove me towards the right decision on something else. So like he's almost like getting taken back to the point in his life that he accidentally murdered someone to see if he stares at his hands again. Maybe it's this reflex, this subconscious trigger that you can activate to sort of catch him, shove handed, if that makes sense. It's looking at your hand. That's not enough of evidence, I think, to even warrant a suspicion. I feel like I've looked at my hand when I didn't know if it was cold or wet.

So it could have been completely unrelated. It could have been. It could have just been like, oh, wow, I'm being weird. I'm looking at my hands too much. Or like you look up someone's looking at you and then you snap out of it. Maybe you looked at you with hatred because you were staring at him. I don't know. Anything is possible slash probable, but would you try to?

I don't think you're going to solve an eight-year-old cold case by spying. What is eight years later, does he still wander around the house like reenacting the crime sometimes? Yeah. He's a refrigerator down the stairs and see what it feels like. Right. He's still laughing about it. He jerks off to the news articles.

The hell is wrong with you? This episode has been so blue on your end. I can't quite figure it out. Something is going on. The dildos in the nose, what was that, a strap on? Upon reflection, you brought up the dildos. I said it was the doctor's cop and you're the one that turned it into dildos. You said strap on.

I yes-anded you because that's what we're supposed to do, but I didn't feel comfortable doing that. I thought it was a bridge too far when you said the dildos thing. The jerking off to the news articles? Yeah. I think there's nothing wrong with masturbation, but I guess your anti-self-gratification, I'm genuinely curious if that's a stance you want to take on the podcast that masturbation is bad.

I'll go ahead and say that exploring your body is a good thing, getting to know yourself sexually. That's a positive, powerful experience that you can have, but you say no to masturbation. I think it's time for our first break, no masturbation. You're throwing to commercial in the middle of this claim. You're not even giving me a chance to rebut. I think touching yourself is anti-American and goes against everything that God designed us for.

It's a waste of seed and the reason that Jesus gave us a dick like that is so that we can use it to be fruitful and multiply and every time you jerk off, you're actually killing yourself a little bit. Now do you want to go to break? Now yes, let's thank a few sponsors. Actually, let's just go straight into it. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. I baked an ad for the first time.

Baked so in that you can never extricably remove it without mentioning that masturbation is evil. I was going to say that shoving someone down the stairs is a risky way to kill them because odds are they survived and you're just kind of an asshole that pushed them. Oh my God. Really anything could happen. My back kills. Why'd you do that?

Jesus Christ. I really hit my head. You asshole. What do you think would happen? That reminds me of a joke that we did on Jake and Amir where you catch me in some kind of lie I forget and I pretend that you're dreaming and then try to knock you out with a coffee mug. It just hurts.

We just add the thud and you're like, oh, ow. I just keep on hitting you. I think that did happen in an episode once. You're trying to give me amnesia, but it just really hurts. Or you try to shove me into traffic and I'm like, whoa, that was close. You're like, ah, sorry about that. Yeah, Murph tries to throw me off a building and then apologizes. You tried to kill me.

That's a death, man. Yeah, you're screaming at him. That's a death. Solid effort. Don't worry, this uncle did anything. That's not on you. At least wait for one other sign. It's got to be a double sign.

This one is too random. Definitely. Okay, let's take a break now and thank you sponsors. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir.

So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or?

Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing free pillows. Come on.

Yes. This is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix is 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference. And they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing.

Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Now, for years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store.

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And we're back. Do you have any? Oh, it's a left-footed device. No. No. No, yeah. Honestly, the umbrella thing is still weighing pretty heavily on me. Yeah.

Because it's still raining. Yeah. As the West Coast gets pummeled by these storms, I have yet to have the WAVOS slash courage to pull the trigger. The WAVOS and or the Rancheros. Yeah. What are your thoughts on the plastic poncho look? Not for you, the yellow, the yellow garbage bag of sorts that you can wear over your

entire body? Yeah. I mean, it's all about prioritizing what you want to be dry. What's something that you care about being dry? Yeah. Is it your hair? Is it your shoulders? Yeah.

Is it the pants? Like, what do we, and I feel like the poncho doesn't fix it all because the rain gets on the poncho, it runs down, it ends up getting your shoes wet, it ends up getting your pants wet. Yeah. I think the umbrella creates the dome. Okay. That's what you want.

Okay. You want all of that water cascading. Yeah. Yeah. You almost want a poncho volcano of sorts. So the tip is your head and then it flows like lava. You want a ball gown. Yeah.

You want a gown. You want a wedding dress made of plastic that cascades down you and then out and off to the left. I feel like what you want is just for it to stop raining. You want to never have to think about this again. Yeah. But second to that is the plastic volcano I can wear day to day to keep the water. I think the storage of that is going to be more off-putting than the storage of an umbrella,

which is very compact, fits anywhere on a shelf in a corner. It's been FaceTiming me. I'm going to try to FaceTiming back. Okay. This probably won't work, but it's worth a shot. The setup of these bi-coastal studio recording is so tenuous. There are wires for everything. I can hear you.

You can hear me. I can see you. We're recording. We're going to edit it together. The slightest wrinkle can offset everything. But he's... Yeah. I mean, we were already...

We were delayed by 30 minutes just because we couldn't hear... Yeah. You guys couldn't hear me. Yeah. So, yeah, anything can throw the whole entire off. I'm going to try to FaceTiming him and just turn my computer around. He can see you. Yeah.

He can hear us. We can try to get him on the show. Well, he won't be able to hear us, right? Yeah. Yes, exactly. He won't be able to hear you. He'll be able to hear you. All right.

Ready? Here we go. Yeah. We'll hear the audio coming out of my computer. And I hope... John Grimm is listening to us getting ready to start this, getting stressed out. Yeah. Okay, Ben.

Now he's editing it. So, here's... I'm going to rotate you around. This is... You're already frozen in the quality of your screen, just as bad as it could be. Yeah, okay. Just an exclamation point on my side. Yeah.

We can all see it. So, I can't see it. Okay. You can't. Yeah. So, I can hear Ben. Okay. And he's complaining about this not being good.

Yeah. So, can you see Ben, Jake? And Ben... Well, you're holding him directly in front of the mic flag. Yeah. So, no. Because I'm trying to get the audio of the computer into the microphone as well. Right.

I can't really... Yeah. Hey, Ben. Okay. Yeah. But he can... Almost doesn't see it. Can you turn the audio up at all?

All right, Ben. Can you turn the audio up at all? Jake would be able to hear you. But you can't hear Jake. Is Jake not in the room? Jake is in New York. Oh, he was just here. What happened?

Jake, Ben says you were here. What happened? I can hear Ben. He can't hear me. I can hear Ben. He can't hear you. Is that true, Ben? Can you not hear Jake?

I can't hear... No. I can't hear Jake. I can't see you. How would he hear me? How would he hear me? He's asking. If I put your headphones to the computer, the laptops and microphone, maybe he'll be

able to hear Jake. If I put my headphones to... Oh, I see. So I'm going to put my headphones that has Jake's audio so close to the computer. This is... It's ill advised, and there couldn't be a worse person in charge. I'm holding this like a violin at this point. Okay.

Now let's try. Everybody yell, but one at a time. Ben, can you hear me? Ben, can you hear me? No, of course he can't hear me. Can you hear me? I can't hear a thing. I can't hear a thing.

You just talked to Ben. Talk to Ben. It's way more interesting. Tell him I love him. A ride, as always. I think you're great. I'm sure the content you're doing is great. You've been texting me the whole time.

I'm recording this so I can't imagine a world where that hasn't suffered from a podcast episode. And I hope you're doing great. And I miss Jake. I'll give him a call real quick right now. See how he's doing. And then that should be it, man. Thanks so much.

And I guess I'll catch... Harold and Kumar, what's the one that you're in, Amir? Yeah, Harold and Kumar. 3D Christmas. Yeah. Not Harold and Kumar. Harold and Kumar. A very Harold and Kumar Christmas.

And... Don't leave horny. Damn. Thanks, man. I think... Yeah, I think that worked out. I really think that... See if he's calling me.

He's calling you. Yeah, that makes sense. My absolute man. What's up, Benny? How are you, buddy? You can hear him. I'm very happy you got that Amir part of the way. How are you?

Yeah, sorry about that. I was... Yeah, we're in the middle of recording. So this is kind of like the one to two hours a week. I'm contractually obligated to hang out with him. But it's almost the road he's been saying. Has he been saying anything worthwhile or is it mostly just garbage? Mostly garbage.

I mean, he spent the last 10 minutes talking about how he might want an umbrella. No, that's not true. I was considering getting a poncho. Yeah, this is on the podcast. He also talked about it last week, which is kind of... It's like an ongoing thing. Does he have an umbrella? He's getting there now, getting updated as to what his thoughts were.

His umbrella thoughts before and the update on said thoughts. Yeah, but they haven't changed. He still doesn't have an umbrella and he's thinking about getting one. Yeah, it's rough. Oh, is he talking? I can't hear him. Yeah, I was saying ask him if he's going to get an umbrella. Amir asked you if you're going to get an umbrella.

I have an umbrella, but I don't use it when I walk. No. You heard him, right? Yeah, I'm wondering what he uses it for. I don't want to do this, right? Yeah, I barely want to do it. You can leave it anytime. It was so good to see you this week, by the way.

It was nice to get just Jake and Ben time. By the way, the best time it is. I don't remember a time when I saw Amir. Amir is a little bit harder to get a hold of, I feel like. Yeah, not hard. And then when you do, it's not even worth the effort. I called you back during the show. No, it's like talking to yogurt.

It's like talking to plain yogurt. Yes. It's like not even sour cream. Ask him what that means. Zero percent fat. Like just a, yeah. Ask him to explain that. He's like a, he's a ciggist of a man.

No, why? That's right. Why am I Icelandic yogurt? Yeah, exactly. The Icelandic yogurt. Yeah, why? Well, this has been amazing. Always.

Oh God, I can't tell you what a connection I feel like with you every time I talk to you. We are one. And we are one. And then I feel like I'm just too, it's like a negative and a positive. Or I guess too negative to what it would be because we're so repelled from each other when I'm talking to Amir. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

You and I make a battery. And then yeah, you and Amir are like a yogurt. I heard that. But why yogurt? Can I be honest? Yeah. This is honesty. Yeah.

I feel like you and I make the battery and we are kind enough to fuel the like robot hot dog that Amir is like, he's some sort of robot hot dog that like just like, you know, like those chattery teeth thing. He's like one of those chatty teeth thing. Where you wind it up and it just like shuffles his feet. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

But there's no wind up for this. We're the batteries that help it live. 100%. The second. Yeah. Yeah. Basically what I feel like is happening right now. I fucking love you, dude.

Love you, man. Can't wait to talk to you next time. Can we call this time when Amir's not around? Yeah. Yeah. He picked up. He told me to FaceTime because I had to and then he picked up the FaceTime and immediately didn't show his side.

Yeah. It was hard. Tell him it was hard with the setup. He asked me to tell you that it was hard, but it's, you know, it's not. It's actually not that hard. He was like, you and I are achieving it pretty quickly with no problem right now. It's all grace with you and me, man. It really is.

Man, I miss you. I miss you, too. I miss you. Love you, dude. Tell Amir that he's trying his best. Say that I miss him, too. Yeah, I will. All right.

You will tell him that I feel like he didn't say the last part. Huh? Yeah. I was saying that I missed him, too, but he didn't say that part. You sort of just, you were relaying the yogurt things pretty easily. There was an ease of communication and transfer of information when he was calling me a yogurt, but when I was like. A yogurt man and a robotic hot dog and a teeth chattering windup toy.

Yeah. Yeah. But I was saying that. I think I said we missed him or I said I missed him. He said I missed him, but he didn't say that I missed him. Yeah. I feel like we're saying the same thing. We're not.

You're saying that you missed him. What do you think you met by the yogurt thing that talking to me is like. I think that you're bland and boring. And the only thing that makes you interesting is by adding elements in this case, other people like me and Ben make you better. So you guys are like honey and granola or something. Yeah. We're the fruit.

We're the crunch. You are the base. What is that? We're basic. Yeah. I'm basic, but I'm ultimately a super important high in protein, low in sugar and a really good way of getting like jump starting your day in kind of an interesting fashion and kind of malleable.

It's actually not an interesting fashion. It's all of that stuff except for the interesting fashion. You can add me to any social situation and I make, and I'm additive. And you're bland so you'll blend in. You will blend in is what you're saying. I'm not saying that. You guys brought up the yogurt thing. I was just trying to understand where you were coming from with that.

Yeah. We don't have any respect for you. For yogurt. Either one. The yogurt's great. I love yogurt. I love yogurt. And that's cool to hear you guys talk like that.

I'm the yogurt to your life. See how close you have to align yourself with yogurt to kind of get like just the drift of a compliment. I'm actually some yogurt even comes with fruit at the bottom. You're not really yogurt. You're like yogurt. Like don't you're taking the metaphor to literally. Yeah.

Having that much of a narrow view doesn't help you see the point. We find you bad to be with and around and like whether or not yogurt is good for some and comes flavored. It's neither here nor there because at the end of the day you're not literally a yogurt. Like just take the negative thing we said about you and internalize that. Just hold the L. I guess you're asking me to hold that out. Yeah.

Hold that out. Yeah. I'm wondering if I could be skier. Sure. At the end of the day it doesn't matter because you're actually a mute. AMYR. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is an Icelandic version of me still bland still thick not flavorful and you need to add the honey. I need to refocus. I need to regroup. I need to brand. I need to soul search basically. Yeah. I need to.

It's a page one rewrite for Blumenfeld basically. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Now you get it. It was almost like zero through 40 was the old me and now I have to get like a nasal

surgery slash lobotomy to figure out what the next 40 are going to be. I actually do not hate you taking an extended hiatus and coming back new haircut. New facial hair. New nose. Yeah. Let's see if we can do an attitude adjustment and just like a big fucking makeover for you. Sometimes people do get that deviated septum surgery or they get a nose job and they say it was like a deviated septum thing because they do have to break your nose and reformat

it. Right. You can get like a little kind of like a little pig nose. Yeah. Why don't you do the little the little ski jump nose get a tummy tuck. I think my tummy is out. Yeah. Do some like some fillers some lip college and have your lacy reversed and get bifocals.

Yeah. And bring the faux hawk back. Beard. No beard. Mustache. I say goatee but dye it. Like go on a diet. No because you have the tummy tuck so you don't really have to worry about that.

Dye the beard. Dye the beard. Dye the goatee. Guy Fieri style. Yeah. I see. I don't know if he does he dye his goatee or does he dye his hair. Does Guy Fieri dye his goatee.

Yeah. Does Guy Fieri or does he have naturally bleached blonde hair. But I think his goatee is brown. Interesting. Now that I think about it you might be right. Okay. And I don't want anyone to look at that. Oh we're both right.

Some is bleached some is not the middle part bleached. I need to look at a picture because I feel like with that description I might be fully right. And if you're wrong are you going to bring it up again or are we going to cut this part out. Interesting. I'll leave it all in. It's certainly yeah.

No I'm right. I'm definitely right. He frosts the tip of his goatee. Yes. That is amazing. It's not what I thought he looked like but I am correct. But it's what I deserve. He has the frost.

Do you see him? He's got the frosted tips. The brown goatee. But it's handle bar. Yeah. It's handle bar is natural brown. And you asked if he died his mustache or if it was like that. Yeah.

It seems like he doesn't die his mustache though. Or you said goatee. You said goatee. Hold that L too man. What? I'm already holding it all the way to Flavortown. I'm going to get the frosted tips and the goatee but I'm not wearing Guy Fieri fucking sunglasses.

I'll tell you that right now. You're wearing bifocals I said. Yeah. Benjamin Franklin. Style. Right. Yeah. But they won't.

Benjamin Franklin's actual bifocals. You'll have to break into the Smithsonian. Yes. There's no way we have the same prescription. Be interesting. Yeah. I guess it would be interesting. All right.

You could be so rich that you would buy Benjamin Franklin's bifocals from the museum but take them to Warby Parker for new frames or new lenses I should say. I would never buy his focals and then take them to Warby Parker for a new lens. Can I turn these historic bifocals the first ones ever into transition lenses Warby Parker can you turn these into transition. Yeah. That'd be tight. These cost to be 8.1 million dollars at an auction but can you change the lenses to be

transition. I think they are way more expensive than that. This should be the new format for our show. Should just be prices right. Yeah. But like hypothetical things that we can never actually prove. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll guess 8.1 and one dollar. All right. I'll guess 40 million. You Google how much are Benjamin Franklin's bifocals. How much there's no way there's an answer to this. I can't believe I'm even searching it. How much are Benjamin. We don't even know if they have them still let alone if they would ever know if he was

the guy that invented them. No. It just feels right. Yeah. Glasses cost. Yeah. It doesn't. It doesn't give you an answer.

Yeah. It doesn't give me an answer obviously. But he was the inventor of the bifocal so we were right about that. All right. That's good. So there's an answer on that. That's a win. Yeah.

Okay. Let's take another break. Thanks to sponsors and sort of try to wash that segment away from I feel like since Ben called it's been a kind of a mutilation of me. I felt like I was a punching bag for close to 15 minutes. So I'm sorry about that. I am sorry about that. Yeah.

It seems like he got onto the show and it very quickly turned against. I mean my God. Yeah. It was instant. I'm sorry. I should have known that you were sensitive and you have thin skin about this type of thing and that you don't have the confidence really to withstand that kind of ripping. So I am really sorry.

It doesn't seem. It seems like one of those. It seems like one of those. It seems like one of those. Not real sorry. Sorry. It's like yeah. I'm sorry you feel that way.

Sorry. But really I think I forgot that you were kind of like a shrimp dick loser kind of guy. Kind of guy or have that. And I came at you too hard. It's on me for not remembering that you are a pencil-necked dweebus. Kind of guy. Let's thank some sponsors. Let's.

Let's do a little soul searching as you said. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online Stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace

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Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire Head Gum network Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah not just Father's Day but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon. These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. Personally these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents.

Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice.

That's cool. So you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant.

Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you.

The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th.

So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Um, actually, we answered the one question we had planned for today. So I wonder if there's a way we can gamify trying to find. Oh. Oh. Oh my God.

Holy smokes. Did someone say game? Jesus. I feel like it's been so long since the Game Boy has graced us with his or her presence really. It's hard to tell. Not that long. I was on the Adam DeMarco episode.

That's right. Did you guys end up staying in touch, by the way, Game Boy? Yeah. We hang out with Theo James. Oh. Sorry. You, this androgynous game character that exists only on our podcast has been hanging out with two TV stars.

Oh. And where have you guys been going? There's no way. What kind of hanging out do they have to do with you? You have nothing to do. We go to basketball games. Oh. Do you need a ticket?

How do you get in? You don't have anything. They sneak me in in their backpacks. Oh. Got it. I shrink down very small. Okay. Anyway, Game Boy, do you have a word we can search in our Gmail inbox to find one question?

Just one question that we can answer. Cacti. Multiple gactuses. C-A-C-I-T. Oh. Oh? At the end of that. Is it two eyes or one?

One. Oh. C-A-C-T-I. Oh. That would be a good word or word, actually. C-A-C-T-I. Looks like we have, oh, you know what? It's searching cactus.

That's pretty messed up. We got 12 emails with cactus. I don't know if we have any with cacti. All right. I don't know what. Not a W, but it's pretty un-often used word. You know what? I put cacti in quotes.

I said, just search cacti and we got two. Wow. Yeah. They're very close. Yeah. They're very close. Do you want to answer? I'm a tumbleweed or a prickly subject?

Prickly subject. A lady named cactus writes, I gave my girlfriend a cactus. I forgot it was our six month anniversary, whatever it is. So I panicked and I gave her the thing. Anyway, I forgot at the time that it was a remnant of an old relationship. It's kind of weird, but I don't like seeing it in her apartment. Should I destroy the it by accident? Cacti are pretty resilient though.

I might smuggle it out next time she's entertaining at her place. Someone will probably get the blame. Am I a bitch for this? Is there a more loving course of action I should be considering? How do you circumnavigate the intricacies of your civil partnerships? Love. Cactus. That's actually a great question.

I feel like this is a dumb, it's like it's just dumb enough to be the, the, the B or C plot in a sitcom. Couldn't you see Joey or Chandler? Yeah, like he gives Janice a cactus. He's like, I don't like seeing the cactus. I got to get rid of the thing. And it's kind of like this more Seinfeld. But yeah.

Right. Little shoppers ask like he gets rid of the cactus and the next day it's just there. See, we should write this. We should just steal it. All right. What would you do? I think I would never feel so sentimental that it like I have to get rid of this thing. I could just probably compartmentalize and ignore.

But if I really wanted to get rid of a cactus from my partner's apartment, honestly, her getting rid of it during a party might be good because then anybody could have done that. Yeah. But I think that like that's such an event that really eventizes the making. I think that that will shine a light on the cactus more so than you'd want. You know, she would be like, she'd always be like, someone stole my cactus. She's asking a lot of questions. The cactus from being something you don't want to think about becomes a pretty heavy focus.

Yeah. And then like even the replacement cactus is kind of only existing because the original cactus. You can kill it by overwatering with a turkey baster that keeps the top soil dry while actually submerging, moisturizing and making the roots so wet that the entire thing browns and eventually sogs up and dies on you. And I think that's the answer. But the other answer is that you forget about it and hopefully putting those two things next to each other. One slowly murdering the cactus over time. Yeah.

Or or getting over yourself. Hopefully you see that the the the ladder is easier and you do that. Actually, killing the cactus over time actually gives me another idea which was replacing the cactus with a time plant. So you can actually grow the herb time, T-H-Y-M-E and slowly phase it over the cactus entirely so she doesn't even think about or consider the cactus anymore because she has this robust time plant. Right. So you're taking over all of her time literally. Exactly.

And that gives me and I you could replace like for like you could just get her a new cactus replanted. So it'll be a new cactus to you, not necessarily to her. And then you can do whatever you want with the old cactus. What happened to the succulent that I rescued from your LA house and brought to New York in a little sort of Vaseline container of soil hoping to got it survived? It survived. It's doing well. Really?

It has taken root. It hasn't gotten any bigger. It's still really small. It's about the size of a nickel or something. Yeah. It's still very small but it is it is alive and it is well and we have it in a tiny little potter. Interesting. On the windowsill.

I wonder if you if you put it in a bigger pot it would grow. That will be an experiment for the summer. Okay. I mean there's no shame in trying in March or something like you don't have to. Yeah. I guess it stays by the way. Sure. No.

Yeah. We'll do it when you're in town. We can repot it. That's cool. Let's get repotted in here. And it's like me repotting different soils or something like that. We're talking about your YouTube channel that you should start. Let's get repotted in.

And it's me just sort of migrating different seedlings. Killing different plants week to week. Yeah. I want an amateur green thumb of sorts. I'm not actually good at as we've gone over before moving indoor plants outdoors. It's true. Your sister might be able to help me out. Yeah.

She would. Okay. All right. That was it. That was our episode. Pretty solid. We're talking about different soils. I didn't like being called yogurt.

Yeah. But that was a high for me. It was fun to talk to Ben. That was an issue for I guess a different day. It was I didn't want to have to explain to Ben like how difficult it would be for him to call in and then like the whole fucking thing backfired on me to the point where I was being I was being referred to as a Greek yogurt at a certain point. I feel like you keep on reliving it rehashing it.

I feel like you brought it up in this act of the show. Other people might have moved on or forgotten it but now it's kind of like what this I feel like the title for this episode is going to be a mirror is Greek yogurt. And that's because that was brought on by you because you couldn't let it go. We can call it just yogurt and then like I wouldn't make any sense to anyone especially once they hear this now. Yeah. I want to look at the episode and be like that's why it's called a mirror is yogurt or a mirror

is Greek yogurt. A mirror is yogurt also work. That's actually fun. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think that is Greek. Yeah. He didn't say Greek.

Yeah. No, he didn't. So yeah. Sorry. Final answer. A mirror is yogurt. Check us out on Patreon. Patreon.com.

We're still watching videos over there. We need theme songs. We need questions. If I were you show it gmail.com. A mirror is yogurt. Fun little leaping off point for you for next time. Yeah. And sorry, it looks like you're frozen, but I think you're just kind of being low energy.

Why don't you think I believe it's May with the theme song two weeks in a row. Miss Faye. Huh? Miss Faye. Miss Faye? No. Sorry. I feel like it's low energy.

It almost looks like you're yogurt now too, the way you're just sitting there. I don't think I look yogurt, but let me look up the... Missy Faye. Missy Faye? Missy Faye. Yeah. All right. Cool.

Cool. Thanks so much for watching, for listening, subscribing. As you guys know, this is a video episode. YouTube.com. If I were you. Let me know what I look like in the comments, whether it's a cool guy or a side of yogurt or something like that. We'll be back next week.

We'll be back next week. Thanks everybody. Ciao for now. Thank you. So. That was a hit gum original.