If I Were You - 58: Immune To Sex (Live At UCB Theatre in LA!)

Episode Date: February 3, 2014

In this episode we discuss sexting, flappy bird, and respecting your elders -- recorded live at UCB Theatre in Los Angeles!This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount -- zoo.mn/GPfH89See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you, shout out cop. Take it over here! Bad intro. Mikey failed us. Are you here still? Hit the road. Jesus.

There he is. Mikey, thank you for the intro. Let's give him a mic! Wow. It's good enough for you guys. Thank you. You guys are sort of lukewarm on yourselves. Get yourself confidence up guys.

You guys aren't that bad guys. Except for Mike. Enough. Sorry. So, wow. Thank you so much for coming to our first ever show in Los Angeles. These guys all have our shirts on. These guys are model diet, models I hired.

Not this dude though. Yeah. Well, that's actually a button-up shirt I designed. Limited two, right? You assumed he shopped at limited three? Limited three. Next level limited. I love that.

That's the only shirt they sell. That's how limited it is. What? Somebody groaned at that. That's a funny joke. That's how limited it is. It was smart, but it wasn't good. I appreciate that.

It wasn't a compliment, but sure. Alright, I really do. Thank you. You're not welcome. Namaste. Don't say that anymore. Alright. So guys, this is a live version of our podcast.

Just by a show of hands, who's here? Who here has heard the podcast before? Wow. Thank God we don't have to explain it, right? No, I think we still should. Okay. Well, who here is just here because of our billboard? Who here drove by the billboard,

Googled the name at the top of it, heard the podcast, stood in the standby line, and came to the show. In the rain, by the way. Yeah, in the rain. The first time it ever rains in Los Angeles is during our show. What, are you blaming me?

I'm sorry. Apology accepted, actually. You control the weather. That's incredible. I'm a fan of the weather. I wouldn't say I control it. You are oddly obsessed with weather. Yeah.

Alright. You're going on vacation tomorrow, and I've been tracking the weather more than you have. Yeah, you know my flight might be canceled, but I don't. I told you this morning there's a winter storm advisory, and you said, what's that? I've never heard of a winter storm.

Yeah. Nor an advisory, actually. So the two of them together is blowing my fucking mind. I'm just saying, watch out for tomorrow. I'm afraid that I'll lose you forever. Don't awe that. It's really creepy. I didn't want them to say it.

So how does the show work? Well, usually, it's just me and Jake alone in a room. People email us. They're difficult dilemmas. They're sticky situations, and we do our best to advise them out of their problems. Yes.

I've got nothing to add. You nailed it. Do you want me to critique it? Your posture is bad. To be perfectly honest, I zoned out during that show. Yeah. You were thinking about your flight. No, I was thinking about this shirt's sort of hot,

so I was going to take it off, but I was like, no, I'm going to weigh a little bit. Nice. I don't know. Anyway, I already know how the show works. Yeah, you get it. I'm not more whiskey. Yeah, thank you.

So people email us at ifirelyshow at gmail.com, and we come through the 1,000 submissions, and we have in my phone right now, the best six ever. I dropped my phone. I'm here for a vlog now. I've got my phone turned off. No, no, no.

Oh, shit. Do you have them? Did I forward them to you? I don't even look at the questions, man. Fuck it. Just read out anything at this point. We usually give these emails, these real emails, fake names,

to preserve these people's anonymity, so I guess we can just use people's names in the crowd. Zach. No, no, no. Zach is a shitty name. We need like a really, a good, a good-hearted,

conners also. If anything, it's worse than Zach. Those are two dope names, actually. Your name's like in a mere schmuel. Enough. Sorry, Zach is too cool for you, right? Not Alive Blast, please. I would never, ever put you on Alive Blast.

It's insincere. It's good. It's bad. All right, all right. We'll use Zach. Oh, this is nice, actually, because I feel like last, a couple of episodes ago,

I was talking about running someone's neck, and nobody was there to see me do it. Sure. And I like didn't, so this is, this is, Mikey, you're from Hampton. You understand.

You get it. All right. So this is running somebody's neck. Okay. Ow. So that's it. That's really good. Do it to your friend.

And that's perfect for the, thousands of people listening at home, because they still don't understand. This is not being, is nobody taking video? Okay. All right. All right.

Ready? First question, from Zach Wink. What's up dudes? Mmm. Fuck that. What happened? I had them in a really nice,

specific order, and I chose the last one, instead of the first. Oh, that's interesting. So what's happening right now? In my head? Yeah. I'm taking a shit.

On the stage. I'm taking a shit on the stage. Oh, it's, yeah. You can see that. Yeah. Of course. In my head. Yeah.

I'm wearing the cardigan and nothing else. No, no, Ben Sherman shirt. Just cardigan, bare chest, bare ass socks, shoes. Socks, no shoes. Socks, no shoes. And is it, are you standing upright,

taking the shit? No. Standing out? How do you take a shit standing upright? I mean, I, you definitely could. No, you could not. No, you could.

Your ass cheeks are this a closed gate. That means they would smear shit on your ass, but it doesn't mean you couldn't do it. I will prove it right now. By asking for a volunteer. I don't have to go yet. We need a girl. Any girl.

You misogynist. I'd love a girl to take a shit on this stage. I really would. I want to tell you to shut up, but I wouldn't mind it. All right. Hey guys. Have you ever Googled a person you started dating?

I'm sure you have. We all have. Well, when I did, I found something that really confused me. This is what happened. I met this really cool guy at an open mic I performed at. He seemed really smart and funny.

I went over to his house two nights ago and we had amazing sex. I even sang and played the guitar for him. I felt like we had a real connection. The next day he texted me, I miss that pussy. Reading this text made me feel a little strange. It would have been nicer if he had said

I miss you, but whatever, it didn't really bother me and it confirmed that he had enjoyed the sex as much as I had. However, then I proceeded to Google his name just to see what would plop up.

Well, I found his Twitter page. A few hours after he had texted me, I missed that pussy. He had tweeted, I'm done having sex. It's boring and I'm immune to it. I'm so confused and hurt. What is going on?

I can't confront him about it because he'll know that I just creepily Googled him. Should I just let it go? What should I do? Thanks for your help. Love Zach. How dare you, Zach? Well, this is a girl who wrote it,

so it's like a female Zach. Right. I should have asked for a girl's name. Whatever. Okay. First of all, I really liked how you were reading that perverted story like a children's book.

Yeah. Showing people. To be around to everybody. Yeah, I actually illustrated it. I miss that pussy. Yeah, yeah. And then it's like a little children's pastel book of a pussy being missed.

It's a thought bubble and a pussy. Yeah. You shouldn't buy this book for your kids, basically. It's not for children. No. Wait, what's... What was her question? The question specifically was...

Do I bring it up? Should I just let it go? Should I bring it up? Because then he'll know that I creepily Googled him. And she didn't offer an option of stop talking to him? Yeah, because it was a really amazing sex. Well, what do you think is the bigger problem? I miss that pussy as a text

or tweeting after you had sex with someone. I'm done having sex. It's boring. And now I'm immune to it. What does it mean to be immune to sex? That doesn't make any sense to me, either. I mean, I'm the opposite of immune to sex. Yeah, you're afflicted with it.

You have the sex disease. Right, right. STDs. Which clearly he does... He... Sorry, did you say I have an STD? No, I said you had sex diseases. Oh.

Transmitted or otherwise. Wow, for the night. So, is it not a problem that she played the guitar for him? No, that's a sex issue. I feel like that's a first date. No, first date. That's so weird. She's like, I don't want to be intimate like that.

If a girl played guitar for you on the first day, you'd be turned off? Yeah, absolutely. Makes me want to throw up right now. Jesus. You're a bad person. Right, of course. We ought to know that.

This is new information. Really? You're really being turned off by the playing of the guitar? Oh, yeah. More so than I miss that pussy? That's a bad text. Well, I mean, he shouldn't say that. I don't think I've ever said to anybody I miss that pussy.

You've said it, but not with those words. I feel like I miss your pussy is way more intimate. Yeah, it's nice. Oh, you're talking about grammatically. You've never said it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever said...

What's the sexiest text you've ever sent somebody? I'd love to know how you are. Have you ever sexted with someone? I've never sexted with someone. You've never sent a dick pic. Never sent a dick pic. When you get horny. Which is the other name of our podcast.

When you get horny. Yeah. And you need to reach out to somebody. What's like a text you send to get them wet, to get them excited, to come over and fuck you? Do you see how uncomfortable sex makes in here? What's a text that I sent to get someone horny and wet? To come over and fuck me?

I don't know. What is a magical text that'll do that? Please, we should all know this text, right? This text that gets people horny to fuck you. For this guy, is it like a hashtag? Is it a group of numbers and letters? It's definitely a hashtag. It's hashtag missed at pussy.

And it's trend at pussy. It's trending. Holy shit, this is live, live, live. I can't believe this girl wasn't turned off. I would be more turned off by a missed at pussy than I'm bored by sex. I don't know, I'm bored by sex is pretty bad after having just had sex with you. I'd say that's worth telling him regardless of whether you sound creepy or not. Yeah, I don't know.

I feel like you just, I just think you write this dude off and never talk to him again. Even if the sex was amazing? I want to know what you responded to, I missed that pussy. Did you say I missed that dick, which is the idea? Of course, like that's the immediate response, right? No, you don't get down on the trenches. My pussy misses that dick. No, you don't get down on the trenches of them.

I would never say I missed that pussy. You say, ha ha ha ha ha. What'd you have for lunch today? Diffuse it. Yeah, and he'll be like, pastramion rice. Seriously though, your pussy missed that. And you'd be like, ha ha ha. Did you have a pickle on the side?

And he would say like, yeah, I'd love to stick a pickle in your pussy. And then she says, excuse you. Yeah. You've finally gone too far. And then the tweet of I'm bored with sex. Right. So, should I just let it go? No.

It's over? I don't know. I think it's over. I'm trying to, I want to recap everything in my mind really quickly. Okay. Okay, so. Metamedo and open mic. Metamedo.

Guitar forum. Yeah. Miss that pussy. Miss that pussy. Tweet on board. I will say, I miss that pussy is like, that's a bad text. That's a, that's borderline inexcusable. Would you say that's rape?

Am I on the stand right now? Holy fuck, I'm getting arrested. It wasn't me. Oh shit, I totally misunderstood the part of the show. I miss that pussy. But I think that's like, you can attribute that to, he just doesn't know how to turn her on yet. It's like after first date. I bet like that, I bet that works for some people.

Like I miss is, would anybody be turned on by a miss that pussy? After a first sexual assault. This dude is raising his hand a little bit. A really cute hand raise. A really cute hand raise. Yeah. Um, you, would you send that text? Hashtag dope?

No. Hashtag dope. Yeah, yeah. That pussy was hashtag dope. I don't even, I'm stupid and I wouldn't even send that text. Would anybody send I miss that pussy? Would any girl be turned on by a miss that pussy? Wow, that is an unequivocal no from this entire audience.

I guess that's a good lesson to learn. If there's a dude out there, don't text I miss that pussy. Right, but there is like a middle ground of like text that you, like nobody has to be like you. Do you send dirty dirtiness the day after or do you act cool the day after? I personally would act, I don't like, I feel like you build on their sexiness. You can't reach out with sexy. Yeah, that's like zero to pussy. You don't go zero to pussy.

There's a, there's a 30 miles per hour. Not even like a hate, like what if, what if she, what, who knows what her fucking day is like. She's, she just found out her aunt is really sick and she's like, oh fuck, this is really terrible. Oh, I got a text. I miss that pussy. No, you can't just, you have to find out what the person's doing before you tell them you miss your pussy. Hey, where are you? Oh, I'm just at home.

Okay, great. I miss that pussy. My, my niece's second birthday actually. Okay, so at this point I just missed your hand job. All right. When you're at home by yourself, then I'll miss your pussy. I feel like reading, I don't know. This dude sounds like an asshole.

Move on. That's it. The end. I say continue going for it. Right? One text is not as bad as great text. One text compounded with the, with the tweet. The tweet was bad.

But the tweet, tweets can mean anything. My tweets are just non sequitur. This one does seem based in reality. Yeah, of course. It seemed like he doesn't either, doesn't miss that pussy. It's heavily based in reality. He had sex the night before. He's thinking about pussy and then he's like, Oh, you know what?

I'm immune to sex, which clearly he's not because he misses pussy. Yeah. He's a liar. He's a, yeah. Don't know. Move on. And you say go for it. Yeah.

Which is weird because usually it's the opposite. Right. No. Cheers. Tota. Next question. That's correct. Um, shit.

All right. Ready? We need another name for the audience. Samson. Samson. Samson. All right. Samson.

That guy's really long hair. Oh my God. Like the Bible, Samson. Oh yeah. I didn't think of that. Really? Yeah. You absolutely baited me with that.

100%. All right. Ready? Yeah. Hey guys. Recently some friends and I were getting ready to play frisbee golf as we were about to leave my friend's house. His dad asked us if what we were up to and sort of invites himself along.

This is usually no problem, but this guy is one of those dads who tries a little too hard to act youthful. So he came along. After all, how bad can it be? Bad. He spent the whole time making snide remarks about our classic inside jokes and talking up a few unimpressive life accomplishments. It's my friend's dad, but he was a colossal joy kill ass.

It seemed unfair that he could make jokes at our expense, but no one else could really do the same as he was an uninvited, no one else could do the same at this uninvited guest. Anyway, as we were walking into the car, I decided I had had enough of this guy and called Shotgun. I felt that if he wanted to run with our crew, he had to follow our rules. Needless to say, he freaked out and after a few awkward minutes, he decided that he would rather walk the three miles home. I used to go to this friend's house all the time, but now I feel like we can ever be

seen again. Was it me who was the ass? Should I apologize? Thanks for the advice. Love, Samson, I guess. That question is absolutely depressing. What kind of unimpressive life accomplishments can a friend's dad bring up? Dad, you got ostracized so much that he had to run.

I'd love to play Frisbee Golf. Right? I can talk about how I got a three-nine in college. It's really, really tiny, but I love that this little kid was like, he was making fun of our classic inside jokes. The dude is unwilling to budge that they might not be great. Don't side with the dad. You gotta understand, man, our inside jokes are fucking hilarious.

He's a buzz kill. We're trying to play Frisbee Golf. They're on point. It's just so funny that friend's dad is the saddest relationship to you you can have. Nothing is sadder than a friend's dad. My friend's dad. Yeah. Think of all your friend's dads.

It's already the funniest thing. Your dad isn't funny to you because you're used to it. Your friend's, like, your dad to me is funny. My dad to you is funny. And my dad to you is funny. Yes, that's true. So friend, Josh Heller agrees. So what would you say to this guy who basically said...

Can you believe your friend's dad? He bullied, like, a 50-year-old man. I thought you'd get immune to it when you're old, but I guess not. I love... What do you think happened? Yeah, I feel a few awkward moments. Shotgun. Yeah, all right.

All right. You kids are having fun. No. No, Mr. Samson, you don't understand. Shotgun's kind of a sacred rule here. It's an inside joke that I don't appreciate the Snyder mark zone. All right, all right. Well, gee whiz, whoever touches the car first, oh, my back, my back, fuck me.

I pulled my back. Pull over. I'd rather walk home than sit in the back. You think that really happened? I hope there's a world... I hope there's a world to pull over so that you can walk home three miles because you didn't get shotgun. I feel like even there was a time when I was driving and we were driving home from vacation.

This is the first time I ever had my license. So we were driving back from vacation. My parents are both tired. I was like, look, I'll drive. And it was the weirdest... Whoa, what was that? I'm telling a sentimental story here. There's a change.

Somebody lost a dollar. She's already on the ground picking it up. So all right, so my parents are tired. I say, look, I'll drive. And for the first time ever, I saw my dad get into the back seat. And it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen because he was de-masculated. He was emasculated. Yeah.

My dad, he became a little bitch in my eyes, a standing that would never change. And I'll say this only because I know for a fact my dad doesn't listen to my fucking podcast. But dad? This is so real. Holy shit. That's orange juice, but still. Dad?

Yeah? I forgive you. For what? He didn't do anything wrong to you. I know. You know what? What is he? What are you?

Shit, mom, I know you're listening because you're my bitch, but, um, oh, god. Could you show this to dad? Show it? And let him know, let him know that I was chill when he moved to the back seat. Because I feel like that never left him. You know what I'm saying? And your dad's four foot 11, so his feet were sort of dangling. Yeah.

Not touching the ground. He's a terrible driver because this foot's a size three and a half. This one's, yeah, that's a three and a half men. This one's a two toddler. He basically has a peg leg. Yeah. And he was in the back seat eating a hot pocket dangling his legs. So he was emasculated his whole life.

I don't understand how he landed my mom. He was a fucking dime, if not a 15 cent piece, if there is such a thing. There's not, I'll tell you right now. In any culture? In any culture? What happened was someone glued a diamond and nickel to you and gave it to you. Uh-huh. That was not a 15 cent piece.

Unfortunately, yes, and I did it except that it's currency. Yeah. So, yeah. It didn't work out. Right, no. So what I would say to this guy is that it's not your fault. You don't have to apologize, but it's a really funny story. Of course you have to.

No, fuck, you shouldn't, you gotta treat your elders with respect. Well, this guy's a joy-kill ass. This kid is a fucking douchebag. You can't accept his email as fact. Why? He said we had classic inside jokes. They're playing frisbee golf. I'm not necessarily siding with this kid.

Are you guys? Everybody thinks the kid's right? Everybody here came from a frisbee golf practice. There's a chance that his life accomplishments, like raising a teenager, are pretty cool, pretty good, and he deserves to get shotgun. I think if you're old, you get shotgun. Fuck all you guys. I'm leaving, I think.

One day I'm gonna be a dad, and I think I'll beat a kid if he doesn't give me shotgun. I'll beat a kid. Shotgun is given to whoever wants it the most at the end of the day. Like, if I call shotgun and somebody else just sits in shotgun, I'm not gonna wrestle him out. He wants it the most, so he gets it. That's why you're a bitch. That's why I get shotgun, dude. That's not a good thing.

Uh-huh. You hear the guy nobody likes at the end of the day. I think the best way, well, I mean, no one's asking for this advice, but the best way to avoid that shotgun thing is to just drive, and then you get the front seat. It's pretty great. Yeah. Cheers. You shouldn't drive.

Okay. Um, is that it? Is that this guy who wanted shotgun? Once again, this is a two for two conflicting advice. I think the dad is owed an apology. No, and I think if your dad is trying to hang out with a son, he's a loser dad. Your dad hangs out with you? We hang out with your dad?

We hang out with your dad last night. My dad's cooler than me. He doesn't count. That's fair. My dad's a gynecologist. Your dad looks at pussies all day. And he gets money for it. Shit.

If I could get paid for looking at pussy, man. Yeah. You shit. But you don't go ahead. If I get paid for looking at pussy, though, holy shit. I'm sorry. But the problem is you don't go to my dad if you want to have a healthy pussy. Right, right, right.

So he's looking at, like, the clap. Yeah. He's looking at that channel award. It's still pussy, though. It's still pussy, though. I guess. Huh? You know what I'm saying?

Jesus. Oh, I got an echo right now. It still gets pussy. He doesn't get pussy. Does he not think? I don't know what a gynecologist does. I've never been to one. But doesn't he finger you?

How dare you? That's why if I ever get a girlfriend and she goes to a gynecologist, I'm being cheated. That's the shit out of that motherfucker. Yeah. That's cheating. Sorry, doc. Did you finger my fucking girlfriend?

I examined her. Sure, I did. Yeah, yeah. So you're done now. Excuse me. You're stuck. Let me get home. Oh, my God.

It smells like a rubber glove. I got my girlfriend's pussy. I delivered your daughter not three hours ago, sir. So you touched her pussy, too. I guess so. I was a C-section. Oh, my God. You pedophile ass.

She got real, right? You touched her pussy to the worst new father. Sir, this is your new daughter. She's healthy. 10 things to do. Absolutely. You touched her pussy, right? Yeah.

I mean, I'm holding her from the- She's naked right now. Where's your hand? Where's your other hand? Oh, I dropped your pussy. Are you happy? You're maybe just bungee-corded with a- Well, you dropped her.

That's not fair. That's not how I mean it. You cupped her ass and dropped her. You're a pedophile and a murderer now. I miss that pussy. I'm ready for question number three. Just looking at how we're doing on time. I don't understand the t-

Where are you at? Yeah, so seven is the hour. Yeah. And then after the call- I got there, the rest of the way I got there, and I resent this- I would say this is a life blast. Yeah?

Yeah. By explaining a digital clock to you? These are the people I've problem with, the analog kind. Yeah. No, this is- I mean, they're both tough, because it's sort of-

That one is just saying- Actually, neither one's that hard, so... This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself

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free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. All right, third question. Oh, a name. Stacey.

That's my girl. Stace. Stacey's. Stacey's mom writes. Oh, wait, this is a guy. Stacey's dad. Yeah, Stacey's dad. Well, Stacey's dad has got it going bad.

Oh, shit. I want to go back in time and change only that. That's how small and petty I am. Fuck 9-11, that can happen. I just want to make sure we both said bad. Oh, my God. I'll edit that out. Also, go back in time and not make a lie.

Stacey's dad has got it going bad. We always say the same thing. And the Twin Towers are still around. Yeah. We fixed it both. In post. Life is, yeah, all right. Third question.

Third question. One time. Here we go. My girlfriend and I have been going out for a month now, and she's my everything, but a problem arose the other day when I was talking to her on Facebook. She told me she wanted to spend less time with me

and that she wanted to hang out with her friends more often. Her exact words were, They're the world to me, and I do really care about you a lot. It's just that I don't talk to them as much, and those guys are great. I kind of have a feeling that this one is... Sorry.

I kind of have a feeling that this is one step closer to a breakup, because surely you would want to spend all of your time with a person you love, or am I not that person? So anyway, my question is, does this mean she wants to break up with me on a later date? Any advice would be super helpful. Love Stacey's father.

I thought this would be funny to give this guy the opposite advice, and then hopefully he can decipher that. Right. Opposite advice. Does the fact that she wants to hang out with her friends mean that she wants to break up with him? Unfortunately, bud. You're on the quick road for a breakup here.

So when somebody, when you really care about someone, you got to hold them real tight. You have to smother them? Essentially, it's a smothering job. Yeah, of course. And I think if they want to hang out with their friends or work hard on their job,

basically any time spent away from you is negative, bad, and also, obviously she's not in love with you, because when you love someone, you want to just be with them always. So you think of your love as a scale, one through 24, and then you minus the hours you guys are away. So if your girlfriend has a job that's away from you,

you're already at a 16. It's insane that she hates me at this point. Yeah, she has a job that's not sure. She has friends. Don't even joke about a girl that has friends that aren't you. I had a girlfriend. I fucking dated this girl, and she wanted to get dinner.

She wanted to get dinner. Get this. We're gonna get dinner with her goddamn sister. Jesus. And I'm like, oh, sorry. Whoa, is she 69? I'm sorry. Are you gonna fucking 69 your sister? Probably.

Why else would she not be with you? I don't need this heartache. I don't need this heartbreak. We're sick. So what should he do in a non-opposite world? Oh, don't be a fucking asshole. Your girlfriend likes her friends. That's a positive thing.

You should like your friends, too. And you guys, like, it's amazing when your girl is like, I'm gonna go and hang out with my friends. Yeah, that means you get to stay at home and watch TV with yourself. Also, read like, she... Which is the best part of being in a relationship. I want to make fun of you for being lonely,

but that's true. There is nothing better. Yeah, when you're in a relationship. Dude, I swear to God, I come in people all the time and it feels great, but there's no better feeling. There's no better feeling than going home with a fucking sandwich and a bag of chips and being like, I'm gonna watch TV.

Yeah. And you can fuck the sandwich, too. And I do. Yeah. And I have. And you do. It's easy to get it on a baguette. And you know what?

The sandwich doesn't call me the next day and be like, what did that mean? Yeah. The fucking French roll is not gonna say I missed that dick. The one time. Oh my God. I swear to God, dude, I shit you not. What happened?

A sourdough loaf. Texted me. An entire loaf. A loaf. You got a whole loaf? That loaf texted me. What did you do with it? Wait, you had an uncut sourdough loaf

and you sliced it in half and made a what? A baloney sandwich? Uh-huh. And I jacked up with it and the rest of the loaf texted me and said, I missed that dick. Holy shit. I know. That's insane.

The loaf. Yeah, a loaf. And I responded and we ended up dating for, um, jeez, a year and a half. How is it? Actually, I lived with that loaf. And, uh, fuck if I don't miss that loaf today. A loaf if you're listening.

A loaf. Please call Jake. A loaf. Stop being a loaf. Yeah, you almost, you almost a loafed with that loaf. Oh, boo to both of us. No. We talked about this at lunch, about how if somebody wants to spend time apart,

you're pretty much your only option is to not force them not to. Right. Because then they're hanging out with you begrudgingly. Right. Which is the worst kind of hanging out. They're a prisoner. Yeah. An emotional prisoner.

So they can't hang out with my friends. You're like, no, you're not. We are in love so we hang out all the time. Yeah. Why would you want to hang out with every waking moment with somebody? Yeah, no, it's a negative, bad thing to do in a relationship. But I feel like everybody here gets that. So we can just, let's go on to the fourth question.

Jesus. I don't know if everyone gets that. Really, Matt? We get that. Yeah, a lot of people are like, oh, I want to spend every... Cleanliness is bad. Clean? Of course it's bad.

Smothering is bad. I don't know if I already said this because I'm fucked up on whiskey. But she wrote, she specifically wrote, I like you. I've lost many time with you, but my friends are great. Yeah. So those are two good things. She likes you and her friends are great. Okay.

So. So he should, she should sacrifice her friends. Good. Like, she hangs out with her friends. That's great. She hangs out with you. That's great. Everything's great.

Nothing's bad. You're making it bad. You're making it bad by wanting to hang out with her more. What was this guy's name? Stacy's dad? Yeah. Stacy's dad. And making it bad.

All right. All right. Stacy, what is your dad's name? Mark. Okay, Mark writes. Let's start from the top. Mark. All right.

I was going to guess, Mark. I swear to God. Yeah. Stacy, what's your mom's name? Don't say it yet. Well, I'm going to guess two. All right. So let's just go five.

Samson, you count to three. And we're all going to get everybody here guessing Stacy's mom's name. Somebody's going to get it right. I swear to God, this is going to happen. Okay. Ready? All right. One, two.

Wait, wait. You said Samson was going to get it. Yeah, I know. I apologize. All right. Samson, one, two, three. And then we all guess mom's name. One.

Danard. Did someone say Danard? He got it. Stacy's mom is, I don't know, Dutch. What is that? Okay. Stacy's mom is made up. All right.

One, two, three. Joey. What is it? Kathy. Who said Kathy? Did anyone say Kathy? I said Katrina Carats. What did you say?

Carats? Carats. Unfortunately, Carats wins. Katrina's close. No, Katrina won. No, no. Unfortunately, Carats. What did you say?

I said Carats. I said baby Carats. I said Debbie. Debbie. Man, real not close actually. That was a, I would say that was a bad game. If I were to categorize that game. I can't believe no one took credit for Kathy.

I absolutely heard no one. It was a blur. Someone should have said Kathy. Yeah. The world's smallest prize goes to the guy who shouted out Kathy. And it's 40 other people shouting out names. Actually, I said Kathy. I said Kathy.

I said Kathy. I said Kathy. I said Kathy. I said Kathy. I said Kathy. I said Kathy. I said Kathy. I said Kathy.

I said Kathy. I said Kathy. I said Kathy. You win. Speaking of games. This game, this question has to do with the game. Can we get a dude's name? Quincy?

What about Kathy? Well, I feel like now we're giving. Now we're giving Stacy an undo amount. Too much. Yeah. Attention here. Okay? So give me a female name.

Shawna. Okay, Shawna. That's that guy's name. Same. Shawna. Hey guy. Hey guys, I recently started playing the game Flappy Bird. Alright.

My friends told me to get it. Pause break for Flappy Bird. 30 minute applause break. Standing o' everybody. Only birds in this audience. I recently started playing the game Flappy Bird. My friends told me to get it, and it looked like a lot of fun. However, as soon as I started playing, I instantly realized that this fucking devil of a game

is the hardest shit I've ever put my hands on. That being said, I cannot for the life of me stop playing this bitch of a game. It's so simple too. But I'm fucking bad at it. Should I give up on this piece of shit? Or push through and become the best there ever was? Thanks. What's the name?

Detrond? Who was the name? Shawna. Shawna. Detrond. Alright. So, Flappy Bird. Also, Denard was the name you were trying to come up with.

It's from a woman? Sort of an androgynous name. It doesn't matter. It's pansexual. Right. You once told me that you got it to Tiny Wings once, and then you had to delete it because you say, when you're playing a game on a subway, you just look like a loser. Right.

You can't look cool playing a game. In my eyes, I walk out of the subway in New York City and I'm just like, oh dude, I am on point. I'm looking good. I'm smoldering. I'm on my way to Brooklyn. Everybody is like, holy shit, who is this smoke show of a dude? And then they look over my shoulder and I'm just like, it's the saddest, smallest thing

you can do is look at this little screen and be invested in it and be like, shit, crap. Flappy Wings. Oh, shit. I went, yo, okay, I'll fuck you. I'll fuck you. And no, no, that's bad. So Tiny Wings, I ended up, do you remember I deleted Tiny Wings? Yeah, because you were afraid you were getting to the point where you'd be coming to.

I was on drugs. I was like, I was on drugs. I was in a bathroom during a concert and I looked at my phone and I saw Tiny Wings and I was like, this is waste of time. This occupied some part of my brain that it shouldn't. So at the same time, I deleted Tiny Wings. I texted you, I deleted Tiny Wings, which to me at the time was the most meaningful text I'd ever sent anyone.

I was like, aren't you at a concert on drugs right now? Why are you texting me about the meeting now? Immediately after that, I texted my girlfriend from high school and said, we have to go back. PS, I deleted Tiny Wings. I'm the man you always wanted me to be. It is so funny how he's mad at the game, but he still wants to play it, saying that he's... The only problem is, I suck. I'm bad as shit at it.

Game's a bitch. So do I just delete this shit or become the world's greatest? Do I let this adversity push me? And then he becomes like this rags to riches story. Bags to bitches story, where he dominates this game that he considers awful. It was a funny question, but I think the advice is very straightforward. Delete the game. No good ever comes from having games.

Delete the game? Delete the game. You can't look cool. You can't be good. Even if you get a high score, it's not impressive because it's just you getting a high score in a game. I think almost getting a high score is depressive. It's inversely proportional, so the better you are, the worse of a human you become. I don't know.

Is it cool to be good at video games? The answer to that question is no. I love the singular yes that came from the audience. Well, here it is. This is the graph. If you're bad at video games, you're cool because you don't play video games, obviously. And then the better you are, the better you are, the less cool you get. And then at the way end, if you're like the best ex-player in the world, you're really cool.

To who? I don't know. These guys seem to be into it. I think you have to be okay at video games. My advice is to not delete it. Don't delete it yet. Get all right at it. Then delete it.

And then you play it on your friend's phone one day and they're like, wow, you're pretty good. And you're like, oh, I don't give a fuck. I don't even have it on my phone. And then everybody's like, you're cool. All of a sudden, your dick's getting sucked. You don't even understand why. Yeah, I don't understand why. Of course.

Yeah. All right. Cheers. So dark. How are we doing on time? We still got time. Let's go to the next question. You don't want to take a break?

Should we take a break? Yeah. Jake's virginity. He usually does it with time. For the uninformed in here, Jake has a very hidden, sordid, virginity lost story. He told it once on a live podcast and we cut it out of the recording. So people were very mad. And I said, you know what?

If you come to the live shows, he'll tell you the virginity story. It wasn't my place to do it, but I figured I'd offer it up at the very least. And is that a deal you're willing to make? It's for me to exploit your personal history for the sake of drawing people out. I just, I would feel, I feel bad if you guys promised not to say anything. Can you not post it online? I promise. At least this one dude in that v-neck promised.

And man, I swear to God, I looked in your eyes and I know you meant it. So let's all tell the story. All right. But we got to start with absolute silence because I'm going to cut it out. This is what people who are listening right now, this is the least favorite part of the podcast. Because I say, all right, cut it. We'll cut now. This is not going to be recorded.

And then I'm going to say, all right, we're back on and everyone's just shell shocked and they have no idea what happened. So what's your virginity story? Before I tell it, I just want to mention that you haven't, I feel like you haven't touched your whiskey. And I don't want to put you on a, we're not putting anyone alive blast right now. Because we're not recording. Because we're not recording, although essentially we are live on stage. We are recording. Yeah.

So this is, I'm putting you on blast. I think you have to drink your whiskey. I'm sorry. I would appreciate it. Yes, if you chugged it. I'll drink it while you tell the story. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. I've, I've never been to peer pressure, but you came.

That was amazing. What else do you guys want me to be for you? Do you be cool? I'll do anything. I'll embarrass myself. If you want me to take my dick out, will that get applause? Yes. It's a shame, yeah.

Holy shit, of course. I'll save myself for this, this, this, oh, this feeling. I'm cool for the first time ever. I, uh, you did not finish the whiskey. Also, I saw you poured into your mouth and then back out into the glass. Furthermore, that's apple cider. I saw you with a treetop apple juice in your sleeve,

sliding it out. It was actually very slick. Sled of hand was impressive. All right, let's hear how you fucked for the first time, you pervert. And we're back! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! I want to, one time, come back from that and just be dead silent. Holy shit. And we're back! Oh my goodness. So, uh, so the virginity story ended up walking the room.

We are alone and we're just gonna call it where this is, that's the end of the podcast. I think forever. That's it. Uh, we have six minutes left, so let's get to one last question. Final question. We need one last name. Michael Bennett.

Michael Bennett. Michael Bennett. Michael Bennett, Jill. Which is an old, did someone say that? Michael Bennett, Jill. Michael Bennett, Jill. Michael Bennett, Jill. Michael Bennett, Jill.

Oh, the Bennett, Jill fortune. Of course! Oh my God, Mr. Michael. Mr. Michael of the Bennett, Jill fortune. You must never break out in allergies. Alright. Alright. One really allergic person got that joke.

A human hive got that joke. Alright. What's up dudes? This weekend I'm going to the mountains with a couple of bros I was friends with from college and high school. It's been a while since we've gotten together, so no doubt it will be a weekend full of hardcore drinking and debauchery. Did that hit that?

No, he didn't write the fart noise thing. That being said, I can't help but remember the time in high school when my dad had show time. What? Every dude in here knows where that's going. Back in the early 2000s, I'm sure you guys remember how difficult porn was to come by. Cut straight to the three of us in my room masturbating. I was on the bed.

My two friends on either side of the bed on the floor, so it was totally not gay. Is this going to happen again this weekend? What can I do to have it not happen? And if it does, do I just go along with it? Thanks guys. Love Michael Bennett drill. Dude, Michael, you made peace with it during the email. He's already said that he's going to jerk off in front of his friend.

He wants it to happen. Yeah, I think he's secretly done. Nobody's thinking about that but him. Of course not. Hey, dude, it's a long time, no time. Lay on either side of my bed. It's actually the only way I can get off. It's a balance thing, it's a feng shui of porn type thing.

Have you ever masturbated with other people in the room? That's a question I want to ask you because I mean, of course I have. I don't mean like another girl, I mean another male friend. Right, of course, yeah, yeah. I've done that multiple times. Do you know me? What are you talking about? Do you know me?

Do you see me source porn? Yes, yeah, yeah. Notice how nobody's clapping? That's because a lot of people in this audience are young. Who here is over 28 years old? So that dude knows exactly, I can't see because the light's too bright but you know exactly what I'm talking about, right dude? Scrambled porn?

You jerked off with your buddy before, right? No. Who said no? That was not the same dude. Liar. That's Stacy's dad. He can't. Yeah, my name is Mark and I'm not...

He's right, porn was really hard to come by. I mean, we didn't even have a dad with a description. Like no, we jerked off to Scrambled Vision. Mikey, you were there. You get it. Yo, Mikey, it was me and it was me and ****, you know what I'm saying? You remember that sun room though? Yeah, yeah, under those blankets.

That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, that's ****. You know. We have five men in the audience and dude, we fuck chicks now but yeah, back in the day we had no porn. So what did you do? You got your... Pino's jacked up when you're 13.

Your dick gets hard all the time. Mine was not. You never jerked off in front of other dudes? No. You never jerked off around another guy? You never said excuse me to another dude that you were hanging out with? I gotta go rub one out? Never.

Fuck off with that. But that's the difference between me and you. You had a sexual drive at age 13, 14, and 15 that I never had. Also, you have a sexual drive at age 16 until infinity that I won't have. But when you say... How often do you jerk off? I'd like to know. Enough.

I know. I think... You know what? I wanna know. I think... How often do you jerk off? There's too many people in this room that I respect and I'm not gonna tell my jerk off three to seven times a week.

That's embarrassing. What? What? Huh? Really? I love that about you. We can share everything now. Can you tell me really quickly a story in which you jerked off with other people in

the room? Yeah. Multiple. Sure. I went on an eighth grade field trip to D.C. We all had our own hotel room. Me too. Me too.

Fucking like five other dudes. We're watching Real Sex on HBO. Everybody's like, hey, we should jerk off. And I said, yeah, right. And then everyone was like, no, I'm seriously gonna jerk off. And I was like, okay, dope, because I really want to jerk off. We all put towels over our dick. We shut the lights off, waited until everybody finished, and that was it.

I like that you put towels only over your dick. Everyone knew what was going on. The smallest dish towel. Pitching the smallest tent. People growing up now don't understand that you have your phone. That'll show you porn anytime you want. Look at this right here. I had a family computer that I had to sneak down to while my parents were asleep and

it would turn on and it would go boom. That was the sound of your boner getting hard. You still have a Pavlovian response. You're on hard right now. Exactly. And then I was up like, and I'm like, which is the sound of you hulking my computer trying to make sure my dad doesn't fucking wake up. Oh, that's your problem.

You should have hugged the modem. I didn't know what to do. I was hugging the tower. Yeah, you should have. And it was warming up to make me fucking hard every single time. I prematurely ejaculated. Not once, but twice. I want to know a story about you masturbating now.

I think I shared and I think it was time for me to do it. A story about me. Everybody applaud me on your stand. I'm open on the podcast and you're a closed book. A story about me masturbating? Yes. Gosh. Actually, you know what?

I'm sorry. I want to know the most recent story about you masturbating. When was the last time you jerked off? This is a molestation. I know. Tell me the last time you jacked off. Tell me. Tell me.

Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. No, that's too fucking straight. I need an hour to do this. What day was it? What site were you on?

And what kind of videos did you watch? Jesus Christ. I want to know what you used. I want to know what you came into. I don't even remember the fucking question at this point. Let's try to give this guy some really quick advice. No. No.

It was on Monday or Tuesday? What day is it today? It's Thursday. It was between Monday and Wednesday and I didn't use pornography. What? What? What? Thank you.

See, so as old as I am that I jerked off in front of other dudes, he's so old that he's down to do it without porn. I was doing a Sears catalog. Let's end on that show. Thanks for coming, everybody. Woo! Woo!

Woo! Uh... The podcast is being recorded and you can listen to it yourself at ifiriushow.com. You can also submit your own questions at ifiriushow.com. Thanks so much to everybody for coming. We're hope to do this again

because this was so much, so much fun. So thank you guys for being here for our first show in Los Angeles. Goodnight! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do. If only I were you, show.com. That's it, another episode in the books. Thanks again to LegalZoom.com for sponsoring it. Wills for $69, LLCs for $99 plus filing fees,

anything you need business-wise, check out LegalZoom.com. Remember, LegalZoom is not a law firm but provides self-help services at your specific direction. If you can use Discount Code Jake or Discount Code Amir for more savings at LegalZoom, we'd really appreciate it. Thanks again, guys, and thanks to everyone who came out.

Twas fun.