If I Were You - 580: Kissing Cousins

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

In this episode we discuss driving alone, and building together. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Damn! That's an edge to it. That was like Johnny Cash style. I thought it was like Flight of the Concorde, sort of like jokie. Really? Yeah. I thought that it was kind of like Walk the Line style. Yeah, like Dewey Cox. Yeah, like this guy murdered someone in cold blood and he's just walking away down a dirt road. I was thinking of like the parody of that, like John C. Riley movie.

Totally. Yeah, probably more that. I guess it just shows how secure I am in my masculinity. I'm so secure in your masculinity and insecure in mine. That was written by Tib and Nib. Great. Again, these are theme songs that I'm searching in our old, old history. Yeah. That I hope we haven't used before, but again, this is a great time to send your own.

Right, because we are in need. Yes. We're scraping the bottom of the barrel. We're trying to do our best. We're getting through all of them and then these are what I'm finding right now. So if you have been sitting on an idea. Yeah. Now's your chance. Now's your chance.

If I read your show at gmail.com. Okay. That was sent in in, oh my God, 1998. That was, damn, that was before I even met you. Pre, pre, pre. Pre. Pre Gmail. Yeah, pre us.

Yeah, it was sent to my AOL account. I was a high schooler and sort of a mod on a message board. Yeah. And I think I was in eighth grade. Yeah, for original music. Wow. I would go into these AOL chat rooms and sort of like send me these MP3 files and you would choose and they would email them to you.

Yeah. Damn, we've been doing this for a long time. I forget what those were even called. That was, yeah, Tib and Nib send in by James Tickle. Cool. So Namaste and thank you for that. Did they say anything to plug or was it so long ago that? It was all this shit that doesn't even exist.

Like plug this website. That's, yeah, now defunct. Yeah. This business that's gone away. Gone under. And then a bunch of stuff about like pre pandemic life. If you search his name, it's just an obituary. He died at an old age.

Yeah. He was 119. Amazing. The world's oldest nun passed away recently. It's actually a London based bluesy soundtrack all the way from the right side of the pond. Cool. Speaking of pond, I'm back in New York City or I should say I'm still in New York City. Yeah.

Still in New York City, still in the studio cooking up the sauce. And you say that because it's really hot in here. Yeah. It is a stew in the room. The radiators are a very east coast thing that doesn't exist out west. Yeah. I wonder why that is. I think it was an older, because the west is newer.

A lot of houses are like run on electric heat out there. Yeah. And what is this? Like the iron accordion. The steam heat. Yeah. So there's a boiler downstairs. That's hot water running through.

And that's that just boiling water through pipes. That's what I have in my house. It's a great source of heat. It's not super expensive. It's nice and even. It doesn't get too dry. You'll notice your hotel room probably feels dry because it's got the hot air blowing at you.

Yeah. This is steam heat. It's good. The problem is that it's too good. Or you can't be very specific about it. Yeah. There's a lot of steam or here's no steam. It's either off or on.

Yeah. And this is always on. Yeah. So like if you, for instance, in my house, I have a little more control. I can turn off an individual radiator. I also control the thermostat. Yeah. In this office, there's no thermostat.

It just is. It's just the building starting like in November turns on the boiler. Yeah. And the radiators are on. And that's that. And do you know what is boiling and where? Water. Okay.

And it's in the basement. Interesting. So there's a giant vat of hot water boiling in the basement. Yeah. And it's sending that water or the steam from the water. Yeah. Through the pipes. Yeah.

And then when you hear like the sound of a hammer or wrench against an iron pipe. Right. I think Mike Kamate explained it to us once. That's like the pipe itself expanding because of the steam that's going through it. Interesting. Yeah. And that just straight up only exists in the East Coast maybe because it's like an easy way to.

Or like in. I think it exists. In places where there was like older infrastructure. Yeah. And now in Los Angeles, how are we getting heat? You guys do like HVAC systems. It's those big like electric units. Sometimes they're like under your house or on your roof.

And they're blowing either hot or cold air. And who knows how that happens. That's not steam. That's just. Yeah. I think it pulls. Air from outside and like runs it through either hot or cold pipes. Right.

Or yes. I think I don't know. This is what we have to fucking. If we're going to start building our own. Like if we're pivoting and building our own office buildings. Yeah. That's the kind of shit we have. If you and I are going to become builders and we are.

We're going to. It should be like. Yeah. You're going to be a general contractor and I'm going to be a handyman. We should say we're retiring the podcast in May. Right. Ten year anniversary. Ten year anniversary.

We're trying to figure out the idea for our next podcast. Which is just to make a house. And then we were just like why do we even have to do a podcast. It's such a. It's a. It's too hard. Yeah. We're like it's too hard.

Yeah. And we should just be like why don't we just fucking. You know what. Why don't we just do something that. That we can just like. Do week to week a little bit easier. Yeah. And that was like building a house.

That actually would be a good podcast for us or a show. That we've taken a mere build a house. We buy a plot of land. A hundred by a hundred and fucking. Bakersfield or some shit. Yeah. Just a middle of the network. And it's like build a house.

Make me a house. All right. YouTube first thing to do. What is it like foundation I guess. And we have to like literally go piece by piece. That's a great idea. I would love that. And then like.

I don't know the wood frame seems to be an early thing. Like you got to cut wood and. People build houses. Yeah. We just have never done it. Right. We could. We should be able to do it.

In theory. Because other the other people that build houses are. They also didn't know. Humans just like us. Yeah. And they at one point didn't know. No. I thought they weren't all like 40.

Yeah. They were probably younger and more active. Yeah. But I mean 40 is not. I'm also not 40. You know 40 is still pretty young. Right. You can learn new things.

Right. Like even if I if I bought a piece of land and I hired someone to build a house. How many people would that be. And like how long would it take them. I mean I kind of did it. I it wasn't a plot of land but I kind of tore my house down to the to the studs. Right. We wouldn't even have the studs.

Yeah. We would put up studs. Sometimes that's even harder though they say. Yeah. But anyway it took about a year. A year. And it was more than two of them or. I guess it took about like eight months.

But that was a bigger. And that was building. I want to just build a one bedroom home. Do you want to build a studio house. And I built this house. It would be cool to say I built a house. Yeah. Do you have two floors or one floor.

Of course just one. Just the one floor. You don't want to do stairs. No. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to even. Would you be willing to do like Ikea cabinets or you're like I don't even want to put together Ikea cabinets.

Oh interesting. Like how how custom like do I have to make the wood for the floor or like do we order floor. And install it. Yeah. We have to install it. I think I would think that it's like we can order. Wood.

Wood. And you do you do the installation. Yeah. Because we're not. I don't want to die. Season two is like we cut down the tree. Right. We plane the wood.

We sand the wood. We treat the wood. Right. But that's. That's not even. That's we have to first do like the frame in wood. Right. Yeah.

So. Well I mean it depends. In Vegasville we might not even need to do. We wouldn't need to like dig a real like basement. We could probably do you know it needs a foundation but it doesn't. Core concrete. Is that how it works. Right.

So let's I mean I would say souped nuts for us doing this thing we're going to dig a foot down. Yeah. In the exact floor plan that we want. So say the house is going to be 20 by 20. Yeah. Because it's just a studio. I got a right here up a quarter acre lot in Bakersfield.

How much. It's a big rectangle. Okay. 26th King Street. Okay. It's $69,000. All right. So we buy this land.

This land is your land. Yeah. This land is my land. And then we do one foot down to the dirt. We looks like it's already down to the dirt. Yeah. We concrete. So we then we pour concrete in that.

So that's a nice little concrete foundation that we're going to need some rebar. Yeah. That's the steel. Uh-huh. Yeah. Because sometimes I see just wood. It's not even steel. Yeah.

Yeah. I assume the plumbing is also part of it too. We have to do pipes and welding and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Right. You'd have to do that. Yeah.

That's why you would kind of need something that was already connected to. The city. The city. Which this looks like it is. It's not like out there in the land. There's neighbors to the left and right of this. You can see this. It's a really nice.

That's a good plot. That's a good plot. That's a nice piece. That's a really nice piece, right? A fan. And then we can sell it to a fan at the end of it. This is the only house we built, the house that Jake and Amir built. Yeah.

We'd have to live in Bakersfield for a year. Right. Which is why I would kind of want to pitch you doing it in the Catskills. Interesting. With me. Isn't that more of a weather related issue though? Like you could. You wouldn't want to start in the spring.

It's not a big deal. And then when it's like really steamy hot in the summer, it might be hard to, the welding and all that stuff. Yeah. The woodwork. But that's, you know, that's just how you, it's how you build a character. Yeah. And then when it gets cold, do we continue?

Or we sort of call it? Yeah. We get those like cool kind of like, you know, those like jumpers, the, like the mechanic suit type thing. And then we would do it in there. Yeah. From the winter on. For the winter.

But I mean, as long as we can get over the spring and the summer and the early fall, we can get the walls up. Yeah. Then I feel like during the winter, we're just doing like the electric. Yeah. That also seems hard, right? Like with wires and shit. That one seems the hardest because it's like.

You might get burned. Yeah. You could electrocute yourself and die. Yeah. Yeah. Everything else you could die, but you're more likely to be maimed. I feel like doing, connecting our house to the power grid. Yeah.

That's a dance of dangerous episode or day. Yeah. But also hammering wood and like doing probably like mechanical nail insertion. Yeah. Yeah. And who's to say this house will be made well? Yeah. It wouldn't necessarily.

Is that legal to sell a house that wasn't good? Like do I have to have a license to do this stuff? Oh, yeah. I think we would. Yeah. Yeah. Because you couldn't just like anybody can't make a house and then sell it because then it wouldn't be good or collapse or something.

Yeah. We need to, I think you need to, I'm sure you do need to be licensed, but I also think if you're building from scratch, you need to like file it. Yeah. The city. The city. Right. And there's somebody in the city that will look at those plans and be like.

We approve. Yeah. And they said there is not necessarily anyone checking the work day to day. It's just like the threat of that maybe happening. And in a baker's field, it's probably less. So like, yeah, we could, the plans could be approved. We build the house. Yeah.

It won't pass inspection. No. But it will be built. We could live there. Yeah. We probably couldn't sell it. Maybe not. But then we could live there.

Or maybe you could sell it and the, and in the disclosure. Interesting. You say this house is not connected to the sewer. This house is not connected to the electric. Because that's hard. You need jackhammer and all this stuff. It hasn't passed inspection. And you know, they sell houses that are foreclosed.

They sell houses that are pared to downs. They sell houses that are like. I want it to be turnkey. It won't be, it won't be turnkey. We don't know how to do it. I want it to basically have a fore sale sign and it's move in ready. We could do a container house. Something like.

Oh, that's when you like buy it. Right. So you buy the land. Yeah. You buy the land. We do the foundation. Yeah. Which is just concrete.

Yeah. We do the bare minimum. Then we have the. Yeah. The shipping container. It arrives. Having had. Yeah.

But that pre-assembled. Not totally. That's, that's the structure. And then we build it from a kit. Interesting. They make prefab home kits. What about an RV? Does that just a pivot?

Just saying we get the land or not. And we just buy a fucking sick ass RV. That's turnkey. Yeah. Then you just plop it down. And sell that as a house. Having had. Because we got that for that plot.

Yeah. So we sell the plot plus the RV. I say connect the RV, but you connect it to plumbing. So you never have to like deal with the gray water. You can shit into a real toilet. That's really nice. Yeah. So it's, it's a, it is still turnkey.

Turnkey. It's turnkey. It's a RV that will paint. It's an RV that's turnkey. It's a turnkey RV. Turnkey RV. We'll rate, we'll fucking paint it red or whatever. I do think there's something in the prefab house.

Jake and Amir build a house from a fucking instruction manual. Yeah. That's what all of the craftsman homes are. Or like ADU is like we'll just ship you and you fucking plot it in and then you build it like an IKEA dog house. And we rent, we rent a fucking crane. Yeah. I don't know how to do that part.

You don't know how to rent a crane. You fucking call someone. And then when, if it's already pre-built, then then do you, do you have to do the license, licenses and like make sure you're an accredited builder of sorts or? Maybe. I haven't looked into it. We're talking about it right now, but it would be turnkey. It has to be turnkey.

It'd be turnkey. Yeah. At the end of the day, it would actually be turnkey. So we buy a plot of land. Yeah. And then we buy like a pre-built sort of ADU. There's even ones that they start to plop onto the, with a crane. You don't have to build anything.

Yeah. They just drop it. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's no, ADU is basically an additional dwelling that you have on your property. But there's no selling, oh, there's going to be a house here or not. It could just be the ADU.

That's true. It could just be the home office. It's the dwelling. It's a DU. We can get two if that makes you feel any better. That's true. Two ADU makes a two DU. Right.

And then we sell it ideally at a profit because I don't want to spend an entire year working on something. Yeah. From my experience watching Flip or Flop, it's a really good business model. So if you think we buy this land for 69K. Flops. Yeah. 69K.

How much do you think the ADU is? We buy the ADU 200K. But that's financed. That's not. Yeah. So that's 400K. We're in the whole plus 69. Half a mill.

Half a mill. Give or take. You probably want to leave some taxes in tip. If you want to tip a guy that breaks it. I think you want to leave something for incidentals. Like something breaks. The safety net. That's going to happen.

Yeah. Let's call it 600K. 600K all in. Okay. But then we sell it for two, three million. Well, I'm looking at other houses in the area just as comps. Comps, yeah. They're just a little bit above that 69K.

That's interesting. So this house is 81,000. I think we take a bath on that. But at the same time, you need to have that experience because you're building up your portfolio, you're building up your reputation. And you're not going to sell a shit load. You learn a shit load about yourself and like the whole process. Yeah, exactly.

So that next time when you do buy shit, it's at a profit. Yeah. So first one. And it has to be turnkey. It has to be turnkey. And the weather is going to be nice because it's Bakersfield, Southern California after all. That's true.

I'm just worried is all. Yeah. That let's say someone comes in and raises our land, basically scorched earth. He doesn't want us there. Yeah. Makes it inconvenient for us to build. Yeah. They make the soil ungrowable, unsustainable to the point where the foundation isn't anything.

It's a sinkhole. Right. It's a sinkhole. And we lose the ADU. And we lose the land. It's burnkey. They burn the key. They give me a liquid metal disc.

The whole thing was true. I'm sorry. I said it was burnkey. Yeah. Yeah. And that's one idea for our pivot. Instead of podcasting, we become builders and salesmen. Yes.

Real estate agents. We'll call that Plan A4 now just because that's. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. We would lose half a million dollars and not waste, but spend a year of our lives in Bakersfield. Yeah. Enjoy Bakersfield for a year and learn a lot about ourselves. Would you tell anyone where we went?

Or would you sort of turn your phone off? I think I would ghost everyone. Ghost protocol. I would ghost the entire world. Ghost protocol. Ghost protocol. They wouldn't know to look for me in Bakersfield unless they're listening to this episode, but thankfully no one is.

Yeah. Would you do anything social media-wise or would you sort of hide yourself? I think I would do all black story post, say BRB. That's cool. Yeah. That's basically your way of saying deuce is goodbye. Right. I'm gone.

Once a month, all black story with the emoji. Yeah. Oh, and actually I have different emoji every month. So first one, then. Second one. Second one. Sleep. Emoji drop.

Yeah. And like little do I know, but someone's selling those in a fucking, in a store. Or is the. Like the t-shirt. Yeah. I'm actually making cash on the side. It's a viral sensation phenomenon. It's Banksy meets missing milk carton style art.

It's performance art. Yeah. It's Louis Vuitton meets Louis's lunch. It's Marcel Duchamp. This is not a pipe style, gotcha journalism slash art. Yes. To the point where you're just selling a toilet and people are talking about it. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. That's really cool. Avant Garde. Yeah. Meets. A bank account at Vanguard. Really?

Yes, because that's how much it costs. Again, this is us just sort of freestyling. We haven't given it much thought. You've heard of Karl Lagerfeld. This is Karl Bakersfield. I actually haven't heard of the first one. Really? Yeah.

I see like a fashion icon. You heard of the second one? Yeah. Karl Bakersfield. Oh, no, not that. Yeah. I have only heard of Bakersfield. Okay.

I forget it. Okay. Let's take a break. Think some sponsors and really just marinate on that whole idea. Yeah. We'll be back after these messages. Right on. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell, yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right.

Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two-minute, honestly, like BuzzFeed light quiz. I know how you sleep for the better part of the decade. Excuse me. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it.

Because you got the mattress and it was great. Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com. If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows.

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Now, for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when

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Yeah, we're not just general contractors anymore. That's true. We have wisdom to dispense in addition to that. Yeah. So this is from a guy who's training for a marathon. Nice, he ran some marathons. Yeah, so we'll call him Steve pre-fontaine. Cool.

I've been training for a marathon that's coming up in the fall, right Steve? Most days I will start my run by going on a path around a lake in Minneapolis, which has been heavily populated this summer due to the beautiful weather. Love Minneapolis. Normally I've been seeing the same gorgeous girl jogging nearly every day going around a lake in the opposite direction as me. That's like, yeah, like that, right? Every like, yeah, loop, passing, passing, passing.

Everyone got it. She's tan fit, fast and a dime. Whenever I see her, we make eye contact and smile, but these interactions last a mere second before we pass. I would love to introduce myself to this girl and get to know her, but I have no idea how to go about doing this. One of me thinks she wouldn't be opposed to me talking to her because we smile every day.

However, this is Minnesota. Everyone smiles at each other. Minnesota nice is a very real thing. Presenting an even bigger challenge is the fact that she runs with headphones in. Living in a big city, it's unlikely that I will ever see this girl in different contexts, so I feel like this could be my only option. Help me start a conversation with this girl that I see on average five seconds a day. How do I smoothly say hi without stopping or making her turn off her headphones?

Thank you, and please come back to Minneapolis soon. Love, Steve. So, you're running. You're running closer to her. You eat shit. Just like 10 or 15. Trip over your own two feet. Yeah.

Superman. Face plant. Face plant. Right onto the pavement. Front teeth. Gone. They are not shit. What happened to her?

Oh, fuck. I must have gotten tackled by the invisible boogeyman. Out of your mouth. Help me. Oh, help me. Are you a dentist? I'm an American. Collapsed trachea.

Collapsed lung. Broken face. Scratch nose. She kneels down. Oh, my God. Don't worry. My husband's a doctor. No!

This is how I met your mother. I think... What's wrong with a note? Passing a note? Like a baton. I see you all the time. I just wanted to say hi without stopping you. Ball's in her court.

She may read it. She may not, but at least you gave it a minimal effort. Or maybe it could be like, do you like me? Yes or no situation. It makes for such an intense next run. Yeah, more next loop. Right. You got to give it on the last loop.

You got to do two loops. Yeah. I see how that's charming and that's cute, but I think that would almost make me feel like then every single time I saw her, I'd be like, did you read the note? Like, what did you think? I don't know.

Feel free to ignore the note. Yeah. It also kind of... Even though that seems sweet, I feel like that also, in a way, ruins her run for a long time. Because now she'll be like, I don't want to...

I'm not interested, but what do I... I have to like respond. Or I'm just going to keep on like seeing every single time. Yeah. I mean, everything's a good idea if you're hot. Yeah.

If you're hot, it's a great idea. This cute guy gave me a note. Oh my god, this is awesome. I have a crush. Yeah. Versus this annoying dude who I think is stalking me, is now reaching out. Right.

And I'm not interested. Yeah. And that's kind of the dichotomy that guys are supposed to live with, I think. Like, you should always think that what you do can be perceived as hot or creepy. There's too many guys out there thinking that everything they do is hot.

Yeah. And there's also too many guys thinking out there that everything they do is creepy. Right. And there's also a lot of nice guys that are afraid to be confident. Correct. And then we get a lot of oblivious guys

that don't realize they're being insane. Absolutely. But you have to consider both ends of the spectrum, especially when you're doing something like this, which is why I think what you do is when you see her, you pull over to the side of the lake for a little stretch. You're taking a break and you wave and say hi. Escalate beyond just the nod.

Escalate beyond the smile. A friendly hello. And kind of use your body language to open up. Right. Your teeth are chipped. You have no front teeth. Where are you going? Just start chasing.

It'll be interesting you start running the other way. But unless you start running the other way, that is you are, you start chasing her. Chasing her. Yeah. And then you hear some stories that like weddings. Yeah. And then he had to chase me.

Yeah. I don't think they be physically like that. Really. I would, I do the pull over, the stretch, open body language, the hello, and maybe even like, hey, how's your day going? How's your run or something like that? Interesting.

So if she's like, you know what? I've been like waiting for this guy to talk to me. I'll stop and chat. Or she doesn't give you anything. And she just does the run, you know, the smile. Yeah. It might just be like it's nice to see a friendly face on the run. Yeah.

Or t-shirt message, running with a jacket on. Love actually style. Yeah. I love you. Will you run for me? I'm running for you. Yeah. John, are you tired because you're jogging through my mind?

You have something to talk about. You're both running and you're training for a marathon. Oh. Like, hey, how's it going? Are you training for this marathon? You know, like, are you training for anything? Do you get a runner's high because I'm a runner. And I say hi.

Yeah. Could be another cute thing to write on the car. After you chip your teeth and you're falling down. After I'm an American. After all you saved me. Yeah. It feels like there's enough to talk about that you can actually start a conversation and just seemingly be friendly.

Cause like the note is like, it's like first time you speak is I'm attracted to you. I'm interested in you in a sexual way. The other one is just like, if it doesn't seem like the vibes are there, you're still only just talking. And everyone is allowed to talk to each other. It's legal. It is legal. That could be the good question for the note.

Is it illegal to talk? Huh? Yeah. You are like, I'm talking to you. How's your run? You training for anything? And if she doesn't give you a lot, then you'll know she's not interested. Interesting.

Versus here is my, my opening gambit is will you go on a date with me and you have to reject me before you even hear what I'm about. Yeah. I do like the general idea of putting yourself out there to a very light extent. Yeah. One, you can't get rejected really. Right. Because you're just saying hello.

Yeah. And the other one is, you know, you don't want to put her in a situation where now she has to address you instead of go for her run. Don't ruin her run. Yeah. But I don't think that saying hello and asking how her run is going is ruining the run. No. But she'll give you a signal that continuing down this line.

Of course. Will ruin my run going forward. Yeah. When you stop. It sounds like this person is pretty courteous already. Yeah. You necessarily need this much advice. It would be sad to give her a note.

She then stops running. Yeah. Gets into a car. You never see her drive the way. Yeah. And the way they're doing it. It's a nice run. You ruined her.

You ruined her lake. Yeah. You ruined the lake for her. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want that to happen. Don't ruin a lake for someone. Right.

But, you know, the end of the marathon will mean the end of your training, so clock is ticking. Yeah. Unless he loves to run. Okay. Let us know how that goes. I'm curious. Yeah.

It is hard to do. Another example of this is like cute girl at the gym. Yeah. It's an impossible situation because you don't want to make the gym a weird place. Or, you know, you see videos of like I'm constantly getting hit on at the gym. I'm just there to work out. Yeah. Definitely.

This is kind of a gym situation. Kind of. I get that all the time. Whenever I used to go work out, I get like fitness models like coming up to me. And it's like, I'm just here to work out too. Like, I don't know any more than this person, place or thing. Yeah. What gym were you working out at?

Me? Yeah. I did this like weird like prison gym style place. And the fitness models that would go there? They wouldn't go there. They would be like doing like private like Pilates style classes. And they would talk to you nearby. And they were okay.

I was doing like valet. They would park their cars. And then they'd be like. And working out in between. Not really working out. I would just sort of park their cars and then they'd be like, hey, have you seen my Volvo? Do you know where my car is? Yeah.

You worked at like an Equinox or something. Yeah. Sort of a place that was a little bit more bougie. And I would sort of. And you would park the cars? I would park their cars and they would yell or they would ask me like little questions like, hey, have you seen my car? Have you seen my husband's?

Whatever. You would lose their cars. You said people would hit on you when you were at the gym. Then I found out you did a prison style workout in a parking. Excuse me. Why are you checking out? Because when it's a story about your life, you're already like sort of over it and bored. But yeah.

Then what? I'm just saying you lied to me. It sounds like you were a bad valet. I was a bad valet near a gym and I would get like all these ladies. Hit on me though. I would get ladies talking to me asking me questions all the time. But not like. Not like workout tips.

No. And not even questions like what are you in? Yeah. Not like good questions because it sounds like you lost a lot of people's cars. Yeah. It would be like. Where's my car? Where the fuck is my car?

Yeah. Because I would answer in coy ways and they would not have the time for it. That's a cool way to like, you know, that's a good way to guarantee like girls will talk to you. Get a job as a valet. Yeah. Lose their car. They have to ask.

They won't stop talking to you because you'll have lost their fucking car. Where's my fucking car? Yeah. Can I talk to your manager? These are all questions that you can turn into like fun flirtations conversations. You want to get a hot woman to not leave you alone? Yeah. Steal her car.

No. No. That's a good place. You should even make a joke. Do not actually become a valet. We should say. Don't really become a valet. Yeah.

And now I'm sort of starting to second guess the spilling in front of her and the note leaving as well. Yeah. Leave everybody alone. We're out of the game. But no, I think, I mean, people use, it's a nice way to meet somebody in the wild. I do, I like the idea that people can meet while they're doing something that they love and it's romantic and it's nice and I hope that it happens.

Thank you. And I hope it happens for you guys. Thank you. I actually needed to hear that because the valet shit is not going well. Yeah. It sounds like you lost a lot of cars. I got a lot of cars. Yeah.

I can't believe, how many cars did you end up losing? Four. Liz many. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not legally supposed to say the number. Right. Four.

If you're watching on YouTube, I held up the four fingers. Four fingers discount. Okay, let's take another break, answer some more questions after these messages. Yeah. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post

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You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code IFIWEREYOU and that gets you a free four-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, Stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. The way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

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And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. We're back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Here's an interesting one from a 29-year-old female from San Antonio. Nice. I feel like we've never been to San Antonio.

I've been to San Antonio. When? I was driving across the country and I stopped in San Antonio. Wow. I went to a Hooters there. Really? Yes. By myself.

Interesting. That's right. How was it? I met my soulmate. It was sad for me. How are the wings? The food was not good. I had a beer.

That's cool. I kind of had, I was like in my 20s, I was driving across the country by myself. I had this vision that I would, like the women of Hooters would ask me what I was doing and I'd tell them that I was driving across the country and everyone would think I was so interesting. I had a beer wax. Yeah. That I'd make a lot of friends.

Yeah. But what ended up happening was that I went to Hooters, no one talked to me. Yeah. I didn't even take your order. I sat at the bar. So do I just tell you chicken wings or how does that work? And they were friendly. I finished my wings, finished my beer and then I left.

Any sides or was it just sort of a, I think I got a side of fries, chicken wings and fries. That's cool. I had a pale ale. Oh, that's nice. Mm-hmm. Time of day. It was around 7 or 8 p.m. Wow.

Late. Yeah. Late. And then you're on the road again. No, I slept in San Antonio because I, you know, that was, I was expecting to make a friend. Yeah. But I didn't. I talked the bartender's ear off.

I'm actually not allowed in Hooters anymore. Not just San Antonio either. You know how fucked up you have to be to be kicked out of a Hooters? I tried that fall down and chip your teeth thing. On the way to the bathroom. That's my move. All right, this 29-year-old female who will call Heather writes, I've always been single and I've never had an interest in dating.

I've always known that I don't want children, especially since leaving college. I've been very self-assured that I'm happy as is without a partner. Okay. I have great relationships with friends and family. I have a great job. I'm a new homeowner. Here's my problem. What do I call myself?

Every time I say single, I feel like I'm implying that I'd rather not be single. Other terms I've heard sound too negative, too sad or flat-out sarcastic such as single and not looking, self-partnered, consciously single, single by choice. Right. People in my life are understanding and accept it, but I struggled with finding the right words to succinctly express that I'm single and it's my permanent status, not a phase. It's intentional and I'm not sad or bitter. Wow, I love it.

Do either of you know anyone with a similar status and how do they define themselves when the people ask if they're married or in a relationship? Oh, I don't know if I do know anybody with that status. Yeah. I know people who are single and don't want to be. Yeah, mostly I do too. Most of the single people I know are looking or at the very least single and actively dating, so they probably want to put single out there.

Yeah, not single and happy. Consciously single. Single and good is pretty simple. I'm Dracula dead and loving it. Or what if you say instead of a single, you just say unattached. Oh, that's good. No, I'm not attached to anybody, but then it lacks the implying that she's purposefully doing so.

Right. How about free? On purpose. I'm free. I have no obligations. I'm not. I have no socially obligated to be with, nor do I wish to be with anybody. Unencumbered.

Yeah. I'm a free spirit. Oh, free agent. Free agent though implies that. That you're looking for a team. Yeah. Although what's necessarily bad about that if she says I'm single? What is she afraid of that somebody will think that she's...

That someone could kind of be like, oh, that means you're lonely. But I think... I guess to that point that preempting that almost makes it sound like you're being defensive. Right. You can let somebody... I feel like take it back, just be like, yeah, I'm single. And then it was like, oh, you are looking for a partner? It's like, no.

Yeah, I'm not. Let them come at you with your assumptions and then shoot them down. But maybe you're non-confrontational and you just don't... That's probably what I would do too. I think I would just be like single and happy about it. Yeah, I'm single but joyous to be that happy. Happily single? Yeah.

Happily single is pretty good. I recently broke up. Yeah. That way they don't ask any more questions. Right. Nobody wants to hear that noise. Yeah. It was pretty nasty actually.

Where are you going? I'm in the middle of a bitter divorce. I'm in a conscious uncoupling with a friend of mine. Yeah, I think that just you could say single and smile. I'm single gladly. Start shaking with rage. I'm glad to be here not having had any relationship. I mean, she's still probably looking for friendship.

She has friends. She has family. Yeah. Great relationship with both. Yeah. She has a great job and as a new homeowner. Right. I think happily single is what I'd say.

I'm single happily. Yeah, happily single. Consciously single is not bad. She referenced that one and said it was kind of sad but. Consciously single does kind of sound like a little bit like stale to me. Consciously single is like I've given up on everybody and I've decided to be alone. Yeah. Happily single is like this is my thing.

This is what I'm into. It doesn't sound too bad because you can pretty much do whatever you want for the rest of your life until you die. Single and loving it. Yeah. But that also kind of sounds like you're just fucking a lot. Which maybe you are. Which is cool. Yeah.

Happily single imply that she's not. Right. Well, not looking for like a permanent partner but maybe still looking to get a freak on. Yeah. Get your freak on. Get your freak on. Actually, I have a few friends that are I should probably recommend this to. Really?

Yeah. People who are in relationships but I think both sides. They'd be happier. Yeah. Or you'd be happier if they were single. Consciously single. Happily single. Yeah.

Yeah. Like I have my aunt and uncle. Siggy. He's my cousin and you know that. And he married a saint. My other cousin. I see. Not that they were cousins.

Right. But he became my cousin. I see. I didn't realize he used your cousin. Yeah. Well, isn't it a cousin if they married your cousin? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like kind of fucked up to think. Not really. Every cousin is a kissing cousin. Yeah. That's not how they're kissing. They become your cousin.

Yeah. It's not like. Like think about your cousin and who they married. Those are two of your cousins just fucking each other quite frankly. It's disgusting. It's not like that at all. It is like that. Not like that.

They are not each other's cousins. They're my cousins. They're technically brother and sister. Legally. Because you're like I have two cousins. Okay. That's fair. You can say that, right?

Yeah. You don't specify anything else and they fuck each other. True? Look into the camera and say I have two cousins that fuck each other and then say their name. Because that's all true. That's all correct. It's missing so much context. Yes, it is.

That's what it's otherwise correct. You're trying to like back me into a corner to say this thing that you think that you could like. I'll even take it one further. I have two cousins. Yeah. This is their names. They fuck each other.

You want me to say that? They had a baby and the baby's my cousin too. And they kiss the baby. Oh normal. They kiss my other cousin. Yeah. I have two cousins that fuck and they made another cousin of mine and they kiss each other. You're just describing a family.

Yeah, but in an interesting way. I'm saying that like that's all. It's not interesting. It's hateful. Why did you get here? Why are you here suggesting this? You're 40. Listen, if we're going to do your 40 thing, all my shit's going to be fucked up.

Like nothing I say is right for that age. Yeah. But especially this. Yeah. Especially this. Maybe if I was 29 like this person. Yeah. Consciously single.

Happily single. Single and loving it. Yeah. Let us know how that one goes. Happily single. That's right. Okay. Let's happily become single ourselves and stop talking to each other.

I'm into that for the day or forever. I think forever now. Good stuff. Because the whole thing about your kissing cousins kind of freaked me out. I feel like this is. That's a good name for our GC company, general contracting and our home building enterprise. Kissing cousins. With two Ks.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's me and you on the back of like a van. Right. Necky. We're both in Kirk Cousins jerseys. That's perfect. Yeah.

Oh, it's Kirk. It's Kirk Cousins and Demarcus Cousins kissing. Yeah. Kissing cousins. Yeah. It's kissing cousins home building. Is there an amount of money we could pay Kirk or Demarcus to kiss the other person as a logo for a company?

I bet there's. I mean a billion dollars. Yeah. There's an amount that we could pay them for sure. Yeah. I just don't know if we'd ever make it back with the Bakersfield thing. I don't think so. Because as we discussed the flipping houses.

That would be the issue. Yeah. I think there's a number they'd accept but us acquiring it and getting it to them would be impossible. And to be able. We reserve the right to use the image as licensed. In perpetuity. Yeah.

It becomes our IP. And retroactively all the game footage of yours belongs. All your base are belong to us. All your base layers are belong to us. Even the under armor you wore under your jersey are belong to us. All right. So be on the lookout for that too. Yeah.

And if you have your own questions or theme song send them on down to ifirishow at gmail.com. That's correct. Running low. Need more. Need them. Send them now. Want them. Now.

And for more of us you can watch us on our Patreon. Patreon.com. Yeah. And we'll be back of course next Monday. See y'all in Bakersfield. See y'all online. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening.

Namaste. Bye. That was a hit gum original. Thanks for watching.