If I Were You - 583: Monopoly

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

In this episode we discuss secret families, rich tarot card readers, and getting milked. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Hit Gum Original. Sometimes Jake gives himself a mic. And even though I try and try, I'm just a chipmunk man with a turdy in my hand. Am I a golden boy or am I shit? I hit all of my nuts inside my chipmunk butt. Because I've had enough dirties in my life. Jake is called the pinch. He is a diva bitch.

He wins each week while Tucker's fucking his wife. I know that if I ask for it, Jake will award me a trophy shit. I guess I'll go to hell. You can call me a mishmuel. Am I a golden boy or am I shit? Six on. Yeah. It did bring up a good point that I feel like I always give myself the golden mic. And you never have awarded it to me.

It's a little selfish that you've never given it to me, but I always have to give it to me. It's a little selfish of me that you always give yourself a trophy and I get a piece of shit, a clump of doo doo. It'd be nice to be recognized for my work, for my effort, for my achievements in podcasting, by you instead of just by me every single week. It's a little one-sided and it doesn't feel great.

And it doesn't feel great is what I'm saying. Yeah, we agree. It is a little one-sided and it doesn't feel great. It doesn't feel great. Yeah, but are you okay? No, it doesn't feel great. Honestly, it doesn't feel great. Anyway, that was to the tune of, what is it, Basket Case? Yeah, Green Day, Basket Case, great song. Inspired by Amir's quest to win the Golden Mic.

That was actually only half of it. Really? So we'll play the other half at the end. If you guys can plug my podcast, The Howling Salt Mine, it's a magic the gathering podcast where we read stories from our listeners and from Reddit about players getting salty and we offer advice on how to handle their salty situations. Cool. We have special guests, a salty card of the week and a killer theme song.

Find us on Spotify. Okay. Thank you for playing my magnum opus and shout out to my friend Maddie who's listening right now and probably just as stoked as I am to hear this song. Shout out to Maddie. Damn. Have you ever played Magic the Gathering? Yes, kind of.

We went to, when Natapot had our first show in Seattle, we went to the Wizards of the Coast office and they owned Dungeons and Dragons and Magic the Gathering, which before I played D&D, I thought they were the same thing. And we played a bunch of games of Magic, but I didn't really understand it and I ended up just kind of like holding the cards and playing an open hand with the other guys in Murph telling me which cards to play. It seems like I could get into it,

but also I don't think the cards don't appeal to me. Interesting. I like the freedom of theater of the mind in D&D. Did you ever play poker and stuff like in high school and college? Did you ever get into that? No, never got into it. I played before. It doesn't do anything for me.

Interesting. Yeah. Did you ever play Monopoly growing up? Yeah. Yeah. There's cards involved in that, the little properties that you can buy. Yeah.

And are you trying to do some kind of gotcha journalism? I just tried to figure it out. I didn't say I liked Monopoly. I just thought I played it. You said you loved it growing up. No. I'm just wondering why that is. You said did you ever play growing up?

I said yeah. I bet you were the banker wearing you. Not always though. Sometimes I bet. Yeah. You said. So here's where I am with you. Just psychoanalyzing this shit.

Right. Don't think you're anywhere, but go ahead. For whatever reason you don't like magic. You don't quite get the rules of poker or something like that. Nobody ever explained it to you. You're not good at this. You keep on guessing wrong. It gets you.

Then you kind of backtrack and make it seem like that was your guess the first time. You're a Scorpio or an Aries or something. No. Alio. Alio. Yeah. Which is like. Don't not say Alio.

Yeah. Like you said it. I was going to say something. Because you guessed twice wrong. Yeah. Scorpio and Aries. Fire signs? I'm a cancer.

Yes, you are. All right. What is your sign? Sagittarius. No. Capricorn. That's right. That's right.

one day one day you just didn't know it would be like this we're back together in LA though versus New York it feels good I like recording together in this dude yeah none of this zoom shit anymore I'm done with zoom 2023 is the year I go zoomless I actually have zoom fatigue yeah for real yeah so I've been using Google Hangouts Skype FaceTime yeah Microsoft Office Exchange yeah yeah I have very specific Cisco WebEx but blue jeans yeah I feel bad for those other Skype was there the whole time I don't know why we just gave up on it right when the pandemic started yeah I don't know they didn't make it easy enough that

was the thing I feel like half of using Skype was always like are you on Skype I'm trying to call you yeah and the biggest thing about Skype was the the ringtone they had like a proprietary ringtone yeah yeah it's the sound being in a long-distance relationship for me yeah it was you and Jill right I was in a couple different long-distance relationships that was why I always said they didn't work but me and Jill's worked yeah and you and when you were playing Monopoly was it ever like that did it ever feel like a long-distance relationship look why do you think you crave that sort of what are you trying

to tie it back to Monopoly because I didn't say it was not a big part of my life don't try to like weave the story together you don't know shit I just find you as someone that's a constant like don't study me don't study me stop trying to psychoanalyze me I guess I'm trying to try to make it either one get to a point where I'm kind of a fortune teller of sorts yeah yeah like a tarot reader or something we should get you tarot cards yeah that'd be I would I'd love for you to do my tarot reading I think Ali has a book really yeah because a lot of tarot reading is just like you do you learn how to do the cards right

and then you just flip to a page in a book yeah I say with the cards and like being a good tarot reader is just knowing what's in the book and kind of doing your own interpret you know putting your own spin on it yes exactly dummy could do it that's what I'm thinking yeah I'm a dummy and I could do it I could be like mm-hmm I can't do anything good but I can always be like a funny this right I'm not a good tarot card reader but I'm a funny tarot card reader yeah I'm not a good teacher but I'm a funny teacher that's a good pivot for you I feel like I see a lot of rich tarot card readers like they're like

filthy rich tarot card readers you know yeah like guys with our dots they're doing tarot they're doing tarot whoa where'd you get there's a famous tiktok guy it's like when you drive up to him in a Porsche like where'd you get your car what do you do for a living right it's like this is a Lamborghini fucking koon-tosh 1988 what do you do for a living it's a $500,000 car what do you do for a living tarot I read tarot cards driving into a pole how dope is that popping a curb I eat tarot chips for a living my dad was hit by a train I actually don't know how to drive stick release the clutch

this is the fun cars okay we got some real questions to get through people are complaining we don't get to enough questions I say they're right fuck us here we go okay let's do it my best friend has no filter and tells me way too much is the subject of this I say question it's a 30 year old French Canadian girl from Montreal so we'll call her Daisy Daisy Daisy duck nice Daisy duck I get to the point I'll get to the point I'm a 30 year old French Canadian girl from Montreal my best friend of more than my mom was a French Canadian Queen right that's a

my dad was an army rat yeah dishonorably discharged for going AWOL on a bunch of different troops in Vietnam he was a Benedict Cumberbatch slash Arnold this lady says my best friend of more than 15 years has no filter but to the point that it's problematic I know everything about her and her boyfriend's sex life are lack thereof relationship problems how he lost $8,000 on bitcoins without telling her and how she would like to have an open relationship because she finds the sex boring but he doesn't want to and so much more I feel bad that I know all this stuff how can I tell her to be more

careful with what she shares and that some things should be kept private to preserve intimacy I don't want her to feel bad or to feel like she can't talk to me anymore PS I found out about your podcast when I came to your Montreal show since then I've been listening to one episode a day from the newest newest to the oldest wow I feel like I'm going back in time that's interesting that's right do you have any friends that overshare tell you too much about their sex life or are they sort of private in that regard I don't know I part of me almost thinks that's like what friends are like you tell them about private

things yeah yeah that's kind of the point I yeah I can't really I understand different like maybe this person's like I wouldn't say all this stuff about my partner because I wouldn't want my friends to think about them in this light yeah but maybe your friend is like I don't care what you think about my partner because you're my friend and I need this kind of intimacy with you right you know can you not tell me about everything like can you say that to a friend that's interesting but don't tell me how much money he lost on bitcoins yeah it'll make me feel weird around him it's like well you don't really have to

hang out with him and I don't care how you feel about him you're my friend I that's what I would that's that's how I think about it which is what if I have friends that tell me things about their partners that make me feel a certain way about their partners but that's what being a good friend is you know I don't need to be like have you ever said to somebody that's TMI no I love I mean I also I'm a very open person and I like getting deep I like kind of a gossipy no I'm not like I'm a lot box actually I never actually I I learned a lot of secrets I learned a lot of secrets and I don't talk about them at all with

anybody I'll tell you a couple right now that you've never heard before that's how you fucking know we're on a podcast well I'll tell you as soon as this is over what's an example of just like just to wet my appetite okay Dave Rosenberg shits his pants every single day so that was on purpose to wake up that was the full secret right that was the entire one yeah I meant like oh like a little taste like something to wet our appetite okay Jeff Jeff Rosenberg my other best friend eats his own hair don't say he had to get us say like he does something kind of crazy oh Jeff okay Jeff does something that he thinks

is normal but other people might think is like a little gross to eat your own hair yeah but you're saying it you're yeah cuz now I'm kind of worried about all the stuff I told you because it seems like you're very very open and forthright with the secret your secret family yeah no don't yeah that's right but that's another thing where I'm like yeah I have a wife and two kids in Kansas City go cheat yes I'm the third Kelsey brother actually that's good yeah you kind of look like you could be the third Kelsey brother the one that's the Travis for its agent yeah I wonder if there is a third one there's always a

third one that's like not that good at whatever yeah yeah like the other man brother isn't there yeah that Cooper Manning yeah the oldest one right yeah what is it Travis and who is the who's the Eagles Kelsey Eric something Kelsey yeah Travis and Troy it should be Kelsey brothers let's see if there's a third Kelsey I think they have a podcast the Kelsey brothers they do yeah that's pretty good Jason Kelsey hmm God can you imagine that podcast episode we're both in the Super Bowl that would never happen to us because you're not that good at football right neither you but sure I can I could find my way on to a 53 man

roster but it would never be both of us yeah you think you could find your way on to a 53 man roster that's gonna make it to the Super Bowl yeah back up yeah but if I'm a backup like strong safety or something right I'd be a lockdown corner I guess you at least know the positions and I don't right so you're closer than me yeah or I could be a long snappers they were better athlete than you though really yeah I guess how do you define athleticism strength endurance power yeah I would how would you define it someone who can like figure out like how shit works like if somebody explained to me the rules of a

game I wouldn't like be like oh wait would you say right that's athletic I would just be like okay I got it I'm on the same page well you just broke your finger snapping I cracked my knuckle in 12 places all right I should actually say that this is if I were you the only advice did you not say yeah that's a turdy but that's a turdy but why introduce the show I'm introducing it now I remember late almost as the first act ends yeah yeah I you didn't remember that I didn't say it at all it's kind of your job it's kind of your job and so if I have the turdy does that mean you have the golden maker let's

see it's a lot for grabs I really like I would like you to give it to me because I feel like it's very lopsided very one-sided very everything on me all the time so everything anywhere all at once the time yeah exactly I don't feel comfortable giving you a trophy or a reward for your behavior because it feels like it's comfortable nasty yeah let's see if I can earn it in the next act okay let's take a break thanks some sponsors come back and answer more questions after these messages thank you to Helix sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yes thank you for making the sleep test the sleep

exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress yes yeah so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you mm-hmm yeah right Jake's been bragging about completing this two-minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz I don't sleep for the better part I do not I do not brag I don't brag about completing it I brag about acing it because you got the mattress and it was great or yeah I got the perfect mattress thank God thank God I took that test that's right and if you want the perfect mattress you can go to helix sleep comm slash if I were you

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because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example I didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website

dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website so the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace and we're back Jake do you have any

I don't think I do do you I haven't done this yet but it feels like something we would have endorsed because I keep seeing people doing it interesting which is the morning cold plunge wow yeah Pyle was telling me that he does it yep he goes out into his jacuzzi takes a freezing cold ice bath 30 to 60 seconds yeah and since then I've been hearing more and more about people doing it to start their day I've yeah I actually have not like actually like read anything about the benefits but I just I feel them when I do the cold plunge so I don't know like what the science is that's backing it but it seems legit yeah I feel really great whenever I do a cold plunge

I took a cold shower I've been like usually at the end of my shower was just taking a freezing cold shower for the last 30 seconds just like just something to burn slash wake you up yeah it's not enough it's I would much rather have the cold plunge oh I did one uh on geez what day was it Thursday Friday I went surfing with Micah and when it was over we took off our wetsuits and ran into the ocean as like one last cold dip yeah and that was so that was February 9th yeah Pyle's been doing this through the winter that's like a morning part of his morning ice off of his hot tub I guess it's cold tub now yeah um I'm also considering buying a cold plunge for my backyard is it just a tub that you can fill it with water there are different

there are different ones there's one that's just a tub that you uh fill with water and that you can like basically dump ice in there's other others that like come with uh you know the freezing device thing that keeps them cooler yeah you have a great yard for it you should totally do it but I should have a hot tub and a cold plunge oh yeah so you just go back and forth between yeah and there's also like that's the song in the cold plunge that would that would set me up real nice a lot of a lot of buzz about the infrared sauna too yeah infrared's not for me because I like the steam coming off the rocks I don't want the infrared is a little too dry yeah that's a steam room and a no there's well there's a steam room that like just is constantly blowing hot steam and it's

kind of like super foggy is that the one with the rocks that you pour water on no that the steam room almost looks like a shower and there's just like constant steam coming out in this yeah wetness then there's the sauna where the rocks get hot you pour water on it's like wooden yeah that doesn't like fill with steam necessarily it's a drier heat drier heat but still a little little wetness yeah it's like red light yeah exactly why why is that a new hotness I think I think they're less expensive they're maybe easier to maintain right it's like just like this an electric yeah it's just a little yeah um but you should I'll send you I'll send you guys that built my sauna you should do sauna cold punch in your backyard no reason not to a constant state of hot to cold yeah what is it

that appeals to you about it because you're not somebody that likes being uncomfortable no I don't I don't want to do it I don't want to I don't want to have this as part of my routine I don't like being cold I'm like cold-blooded whenever it's like a little bit too cold in the room I feel physically uncomfortable yeah but the idea of just like getting a shot of something natural to wake yourself up and dumps yeah yeah for sure but I haven't um I haven't loved it to the point of actually trying it yet all right well I think I'm gonna get one in my yard so you can at least try it when you're when you're in New York yeah but then do you then just get into a hot shower after um or does that defeat the purpose I think I don't know I think I guess I would have to

look it up but also like when I've done it before I do not just get into a hot shower afterwards right you you go you stay cold yeah you warm up basic when you dry off and you put your clothes on or something I would almost do it after um I think I'd do it after the sauna jump in the cold plunge dry off you make some coffee you still shower but it's not like you don't shower to get warm immediately what if instead of a hot sauna cold plunge it's just the room that's like 72 and then you go into another room that's like 68 I feel like that would be comfortable but it doesn't have any health benefits interesting yeah but it doesn't also have any health uh negative right associations either yeah so you'd have to weigh how good the health benefits are of the cold

plunge versus how comfortable it is to just sit there with your VR goggles and your flashlight and it's 69 degrees all the time because you're watching someone 69 yeah exactly uh all right here's a question called friends bail on joint air b and b great I want to start off by saying I do think I am overreacting but I'm also very cautious with money so I don't think I'm too crazy for being upset about this situation we'll call this guy uh I don't know neurotic nick nice so a friend a group of friends about seven of us from my master's degree decided to meet in Rotterdam for a weekend to hang out and party didn't we almost go to Rotterdam it's like next to Amsterdam but not Amsterdam yeah yeah north of Amsterdam we graduated four years ago and we all live in

the Netherlands Belgium France region so coming to Rotterdam isn't too hard for us about two weeks ago we all agreed we'd chip in on a large air b and b and split the cost five ways sounds like a plan however two weeks two days ago it came to light that two of our friends couldn't make it and the other three would just sleep in the apartment of a friend who lives in Rotterdam and there wasn't enough room for me and my girlfriend to also stay with them even when I suggested we could bring our own mattress and everything they insisted there wasn't enough room so that meant my girlfriend and I are stuck having to get our own air b and b which is probably 300 to 400 euros while our other friends get to stay for free so that's when I decided that out of principle we wouldn't go

is this an overreaction I kind of expected them to offer to pay part of our air b and b but on the other hand it would only be me and my girlfriend using it so I understand why they wouldn't but still it's kind of annoying and it just rubbed me the wrong way was I wrong to react this way I just noticed myself in that in my frugality I might be off-putting sometimes but in my heart I uh I feel I was a little right even if I imagine I would have gone and felt resentful yeah anyway thanks would love to hear your thoughts the thing I think you're right but also it this it now you're not having you've punished yourself yeah you're you stood up for your morals and your principles and you made yourself sad you you denied yourself a vacation

and time with your friends that said I think your friends were kind of rude about this but yeah they were just like oh we all found another place for free uh there's no room for you or your girlfriend so do you want to still come and get your own air b and b right that's kind of messed up yeah um so I think I probably I I don't know I feel like given this I might do the same thing or I might just be like great I'm gonna go and like get a nice air b and b with my girlfriend and make the trip more about us hanging out that's weird too you're there with your girlfriend and your friends are also there and you're still kind and you're spending a lot of money and you're mad at least I guess you're gonna be mad either way so at least what you've done is save yourself

money and you're mad rather than go spend money and stay mad yeah so the the lesser of two evils which is letting them know but not go yeah so you're you're basically being like you guys fucked me I'm gonna I'm not gonna go yeah based on their reaction you'll know that their true intentions were nefarious or not right are they like no what you should definitely still come with us are they like awesome great yeah we're gonna actually stay in that air b and b then yeah because now there's okay if that's how you feel they yeah maybe they just don't like you which is awesome which is fair it's a fresh restart because then you get to make new friends right in Rotterdam the best kind to have imagine going to Rotterdam and fucking making a new friend for life there's no

value there you can't put a price tag on that yeah it's rude it's tacky it's weird it's off pudding it's blue it's right yeah who would you say is your newest friend my newest friend you're texting somebody and you met him I don't know five years ago um I guess there's a there's a dude that I met like maybe over the summer that I'm texting sometimes we don't have you find it hard to make connections right that's why you like monopoly that's why you like this is what he's talking about for you it's very transactional the okay that was kind of intelligent but transactional related to monopoly but you said you like making connections that's why I like monopoly it doesn't ring it rings false yeah to me you're you're connecting dots

where there are none to connect would you say you've ever got the monopoly drop it it's not even necessary yeah it wasn't even a big part of your up small yes but the idea of collecting little things from Illinois Baltic Marvin gardens or whatever it feels like monopolies the focus than like a way in yeah to like a deeper moral yeah it should be about the like the transactional nature of relationships for sure not like I wonder why you like collecting monopoly pieces right like what is it about an exploration of me it's completely why do you have a tiny little metal top hat I wonder why do you walk around inside of a thimble curiously obsessed with free parking do you think you can remember all the properties on monopoly no no but there's a chance

nice chance there's a community chess there's a community chess after all that's actually an accidental good tweet that I stumbled on do you think there's a about I can I can name every monopoly property just give me a chance yeah I can name every monopoly property except for one so give me a chance or something like that yeah it's it's the chance if the thing is that chance isn't a property yeah I can name every square card I can name every uh what's it called box box on monopoly yeah I can I can lay I can name the full monopoly board except for one if given the chance just give me a chance or should I go to gym Mediterranean is the first one Mediterranean yeah wow yeah I would not have remembered then Baltic

okay and there's only two that's purple that's purple um and then then we're going on to the blue light blue yeah Baltimore uh was that Baltic I think it's Oriental which is really Oriental Connecticut Connecticut is the expensive one yeah but I don't know Vermont something no I thought Vermont is dark blue I think Connecticut is a light blue one yeah Connecticut is light blue okay and Oriental definitely is right Oriental have what else is there I remember Oriental and then what was after that you named it all right what's the damn property um yeah you already said Vermont you already said Illinois Illinois is red Illinois Indiana Kentucky those are the reds but what's after the I would yeah light blue orange yeah

there's orange St. James place wow sure now that's getting all mixed up yeah orange and then what's the one after that boardwalk and park oh yeah that's the greens right before those blues oh yeah forget it Pennsylvania oh Pennsylvania right yeah um and lastly of course the yellow I literally have not been able to name anything besides Connecticut and Oriental I definitely remember there was Oriental and it feels like you like Monopoly more than I did I love Monopoly and when I asked you were the banker and let me guess you cheated to win didn't you were you a hotel magnet yes yes I think you were oh you did the railroads you little fuck did you love the four railroads four railroads no I couldn't be a no classic I don't know any of

them Pennsylvania you already said Pennsylvania is a property yeah that makes me think it's not a railroad yeah railroads were weird yeah but having them was good yeah but really what you needed was was the property you needed that hope if you had the hotel on park place you're in the game you've won the game you are bleeding people dry every time they land on your square okay yeah I guess oh you guess you guess vet nor huh vet nor vet nor is a purple one right yellow yellow I'm looking at them now Oriental was correct okay yeah and then Vermont Connecticut oh we totally forgot there was a purple one not an orange the next one was purple okay let's see last three let's just tell me if these sound at any like ring a bell at all okay st charles place rings a bell

states avenue no virginia avenue small bell yeah I think what you did growing up was sort of view people as almost like this transactional you said this already yeah right right but you would always have free parking that you would always have that get out of jail free car yeah and the waterworks that you landed on the public works yeah that's when things got a little bit I was actually more into the game of life and I think that says more about me it actually says a lot that you were super into monopoly which is just going around the square consistent mundane all about cash flow build a property build a hotel and I was more into this meandering game of life where you could pick up tiles and win cash for life events getting married finding your job

having children isn't that interesting I went to a shrink to analyze my drinks all right let's take another break thanks for sponsors answer more questions after these messages yeah thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business but with stamps.com all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office so if you need a package pickup you can easily schedule it if you need to sell products online stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart running a business isn't cheap so stamps.com has huge carrier discounts we're talking up to 84%

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entire head gum network jake wow that's correct i mean this might be the goat father's day gift i think it actually is yeah yeah not just father's day but if for any uh not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon these digital photo frames might be the best of all time yeah for me personally these things are perfect i'll tell you why as you know i am expecting yeah uh my first child we got one for jill's parents oh wow we got one for jill's grandma holy smokes we got one for my parents so there are three of these bad boys uh in our family right now but they are they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family you can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen it's really nice oh that's cool so you

take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo yeah frame this is actually how we how we told jills grandma she was pregnant we got her the aura frame we plugged it in jills grandma was pregnant really nice asshole this was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it i was just being goofy a little bit like uh this is how i told my grandma she was pregnant yeah yeah kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way by the way jills grandma is pregnant oh my god jills grandma is 90 and pregnant it's pretty cool and you told me with a digital photo frame holy smokes and we let her know with an aura yeah thank you the aura

announcement uh so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app add me to your aura app i'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny yeah like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter yeah yeah exactly even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame yeah it's a great gift a really really iconic gift and right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames that's a u r a frames dot com and our listeners can use code head gum to get up to 30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames there it is oh wow this is timely the deal ends on june 18 so

don't wait terms and conditions apply that's aura frames a u r a frames dot com okay go get your parent something all right and use the code head gum for 30 off plus free shipping right on thank you aura and now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to and we're back yeah um it's valentine's day happy valentines i totally forgot to say happy valentines to you that's right do you ever say happy valentines to the ladies like in your family or is it that kind of weird um like happy valentine's day mom it was like my my grandma was really into valentine's day she would like make us little valentines so it's kind of like a family like we say happy valentine's day on the family thread it's like a little family holiday it's sweet yeah yeah i don't i wouldn't like get my sister a

valentine i just want to just keep pushing the other three aside yeah have you seen rachel i made her a card gross man why it just means that you love her yeah but like more than the others which isn't right yeah uh okay situation turned out to be cheating the whole time huh that's the subject of this next question okay third year college student who went to birthright on a trip so we'll call him noa classic jewish birthright name yeah i met a girl who i really hit it off with we spent a lot of time together kept in touch over text until classes resumed went on a bunch of dates and generally grew very close so we had conversations about how we wanted to take things slow but we were at least exclusive with each other hell we even made plans for valentine's day and beyond

things were going well and she made uh every indication and expressed explicitly that she was very interested in pursuing something romantic so cut to last night i hosted a party in my place with a bunch of people but eventually i leave with her to check out another party that some mutual friends were throwing and while we were there she left with a girl she knew and another guy supposedly the sleepover at the girl's place despite her saying the day before that she'd crash at mine right before she left i pulled her aside and i asked her about it and she assured me everything was fine that she wanted to keep seeing where things go with me but she didn't feel comfortable sleeping over i later found out through my own slew thing that she slept over at his place last night

oh in retrospect there were red flags like her saying that she wasn't going to go to the same event as another friend tells me that she actually did and so on and so forth and she didn't know the guy that she left with but it turns out she did and so i know that she definitely had been lying to me for a while yeah as far as i know she doesn't even know that i found out about her whole situation but i haven't contacted her at all since then so she probably knows something is up should i just try to forget about it all or do i try to confront her i don't think you get anything out of if i were to confront her right should i go how should i go about it slash what should i say the thing is it's unlikely i'll see her again right randomly as okay we share we don't share friend groups and

it's a big campus but i feel like i'd be letting her off easy if i just let it let it go let it go you don't want to be in the situation where you confront somebody that you're not actually let you know together with and be like i spied on you and i found out you actually hooked up with someone else like and to think i was just gonna let you off scott free yeah i thought you wanted to see where this was going well it's here and i'm a little crazy yeah i don't think you want to be in that situation uh it does sound like she did you a little dirty but the best thing you can do is move on and find somebody better would you say living well is the best revenge yeah but i also don't think that she will care about that either so basically you'll never get what you want from

her which is i guess her to feel bad apologize for lying to you say that you are the person she wants to be with and that is a funny thing in relationships we're like this person screwed me over like what should i do it's like there's nothing you can really do like they'll always have the quote unquote upper hand yeah because like you can make them feel bad right and they either will or they won't but that's not good for you either way right and what is getting the upper hand actually feel like i felt bad and then i have the upper hand because then i made her feel bad yeah and then you walk away good me she's sad i was mean so jokes on you for being mean to me yeah because now you're sad about it you confronting her about

this makes her even more right to leave with the other guy i think yeah so it's sort of a social checkmate position right but if you're very cool about it if you're just like whatever i'm not into that kind of behavior that's not for me i don't like the lying i'm gonna go try to be in a healthier relationship then that makes you the bigger person and that's actually the upper hand yeah do you think anyone ever acts like that like someone who i've sort of had a crush on is now like interested in somebody else and it's kind of nefarious and lying to me so i'm just like whatever i don't care i'll just find somebody else and get into a more healthy relationship right you think do i think anyone's ever like that yeah or they are just like what is

what is happening why is she deceitful why is she lying to me i need to get to the bottom of it i think that's a normal reaction and sometimes you you go you kind of like spiral but don't actually do anything about it like this person might have written this email in kind of a huff and has now thought better it's like it's not worth my time like i'm pissed and you can feel all those things but then in the end it's not worth your time you're not getting anything out of the upper hand here it probably doesn't help that it happened during valentine's day week slash end yeah yeah not great but sometimes these things on birthright they feel a little more meaningful than they actually are oh my god birthright seems like the most uh it's like going

through hazing or like hell week with someone you're like up at 4am watching these beautiful things it's a height in time yeah you're like everything is intense right all very intense you're on a bus a lot right mm-hmm yeah everything feels very very intimate very meaningful everything's hotter on a bus because it's sort of massaging your prostate and your clitoris yeah so like you're right you're right for example don't go on anymore you said the bus driving was massaging your prostate and clitoris what more needs to be said what do you think we can have a normal conversation at a cafe or in barthelona but i'm not getting any stimuli on my anus exactly am i now let's put that same conversation but i'm on a what is it called

cybean machine what is it called then saying the exact name for it for example this fucking saddle seat that i have with that has a little vibrating dildo dildo yeah and everything every conversation i'm having happening having sorry i'm fucking hot bother just thinking about it is so intense and hot because yeah it's literally milking you right and then you're gonna leave with another guy at the party why because we were milks together i can't believe that actually in israel they have these chocolate milks in uh plastic bags really yeah it's like uh it's almost like a yuhu but instead of a glass bottle just comes in a plastic bag i don't know if there's anything there yeah i don't know to be climaxing on a coach

bus while you're drinking a milk and releasing your milk yeah and then you're just back at a fucking party there's like a hold there's some kind of like circuitous motion here where you drink the chocolate milk you ejaculate into your partner's mouth yeah and then have a french kiss almost almost two girls one cup style this whole thing is closed loop milking station and it is sort of the land of milk and honey or so they say because like that was biblically what oh i'm the way to yad vashem oh my god what is wrong with you dude i'm just saying it was uh my time in israel was really really special i mean we went to Jerusalem together we got it we did um so ultimately sorry it didn't work out with this person they're probably not as interested in you as they were

once maybe it's the bus thing maybe it's the israel thing maybe it's the the birthright thing that's right but now that you're back in a normal college setting everything is calm down a little bit yeah and you can move on it doesn't sound like this is the person you want to be with any or should be with yeah or it is maybe and then you have to fight for her you really probably have to punch this guy for yael's heart is it safe to assume this girl's name is yael yeah there's no other meaning yael are making aliyah and you're standing in the way and actually me and aliyah are making yael making yael mad you should get one of those noisemakers every time you walks into the room a grogger yeah the grogger as if it's a magilla based revenge

somehow that i mean pour him is coming up that's not a terrible idea it might be but yeah you could do it yeah you can sort of be a mordecai in that regard it's sort of a wise this is the most jewish episode we've ever done at the buzzer baby episode 580 is our most jewish yet wow but it's not i mean this guy's on birthright we're only adjusting to the situation that he presents us with that's true uh okay that's it try to answer as many questions as humanly possible i think that was three that might be a record sort of new record for us for sure yeah yeah we've been doing two recently so three we're obviously listening to the feedback yeah thank you guys for watching thank you guys for submitting your own theme songs thank you thank you very much thank you i'm not a

crew yet we should say as always these are on youtube you know you can continue watching this visual i just did a visual gag so you really should be tuning in yeah jake basically threw up two sort of peace signs and not a yeah and then i said i was like thank you thank you i'm not a crew that's a golden mic that's a golden mic yes yes yes i'm vibrating the couch that's why like a saivian and you can watch that watch that on our youtube right uh or you can watch more of us on our patreon patreon.com slash ja that's correct job but if you're just listening like an old school podcast listener yeah also that's all i can do podcast too you know we're part of a millennial generation we listen to podcasts right um but yeah you can send your questions or theme

songs to ifirusho at gmail.com indeed let's hear the end of this basket case parody oh yeah i've been waiting for that uh that trophy case he called it uh this guy's name one last time was easy to remember no i don't know if we ever said it actually we we promoted the podcast and we thanked his boy yeah so yeah it feels like we at least did we did some justice it was sam sam sam Bartlett yeah okay sam's actually my middle name nice schmuel yeah it's your middle name samuel mm-hmm schmuel yeah so me and sam have that in common okay uh yeah his podcast one last time is the howling salt mine so if you're a magically gathering stan oh yeah check that out for sure uh all right see you guys next week goodbye everybody bye can you help me please i need to seize the

cheese to win the golden mic is what i want jake is on a streak a golden mic each week he's chopped in cheese but every time he flots sometimes jake gives himself a mic and even though i try and try i'm just a chipmunk man with a turdy in my hand am i a golden boy or am i shit i hit all of my nuts inside my chipmunk butt because i've had enough turdies in my life jake is called the pinch he is a diva binge he wins each week while tucker's fucking his wife i know that if i ask for it jake will award me a trophy shit

i guess i'll go to hell you can call me a mishmuel am i a golden boy or am i shit so dreaming i'm in control and i gotta go in mine so sometimes jake gives himself a mic and even though i try and try i'm just a chipmunk man with a turdy in my hand am i a golden boy or am i shit that was a hit gum original