If I Were You - 585: The End Is Near

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

In this episode we discuss garbage ninjas, volunteer firefighters, and the next steps of our careers in comedy. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a hip-gum original. I read a book, I read a book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book books book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book books book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book books book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book book flash freestyle rapper waiting for his turn to hop in. Yeah, he's like a producer that was happy with the rapper that was spitting verses on my track. Exactly, but since you're a rapper, you can't show joy in a nice, normal way.

You just have to be sort of angry but into it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. Jay-Z's never like, this is great. Keep it up. Oh, shit. Nice, dude. Marshall, that was awesome, dude. That was awesome. He's running into shake his hand.

Oh, put her there, Marshall. Oh, my God. How did you do the hi, my name is thing? Like, did that just, was that natural? Like, holy shit, dude. I think I have something silly to say. Let's keep it looping. My name is also what or hope or whatever the fuck. Holy shit.

That was incredible. That's probably the hardest part about being a rapper is that you can never like laugh or smile very much. Stifling your joy, for sure. You have to be hard. Yeah, exactly. And it must be hard to be hard. It's hard to be hard.

It's hard to be hard. Yeah, I'd rather be soft, I guess. Speaking of being absolutely flaccid, Alex Gurgis wrote this. Nice. Nice, Gurgis. He's a web and graphic designer and he has a website called lxgwiz.com where I sell a course.

He sells a course to show people how to do web and graphic design for their business so they don't need to hire schmucks like me. Wow. Okay, okay. Move over to Squarespace. We have a guy. Yeah, he's sort of monetizing,

getting rid of his own job, which is kind of cool. Yeah, smart. I saw some guy on Twitter recently asked one of those AI chatbots to program a snake game and the program just sort of spit out a code for a snake game. Right, so it probably stole a code from somewhere for the snake game, right?

Well, the theory is that it came up with it or with artificial intelligence. But it doesn't, I mean, the only way it has artificial intelligence is by ripping everything from the internet, which would have like algorithms for that, right? I don't know, because then he's like, all right, this is a good start,

but make it look like it's on a Nokia phone and then it like spit out a design for that too. Interesting. You're becoming useless. You are, I'm becoming, what do you mean? Everything you do, you do. Everything you do can be instantly and cheaply, borderline freely replaced at the drop of a click.

Fine. I said, that was easy. Bye. Yeah, I don't know if it could host an improv podcast. I don't think it knows comicic timing. Really? I don't know, I don't think. Shit.

You seem to think that I'm a programmer. I'm sorry, I overplayed my hand, I guess. Damn, so it doesn't do funny shit or timing stuff? Actually, it did spit out a pretty funny Jake and Amir one time. Really? Yeah. March Madness Vine was half written by a robot.

Yeah, God, that'd be sick. He just came up with it for concepts. It's so funny watching, now I watch, I'm watching like giving notes on those in the office and just laughing throughout these videos. And then like I watched the outtakes and there I am laughing as you do with Gonzaga. It's like, yeah.

A month later, it's not old. I still love it. Shout out to the Hedgum YouTube channel where you can watch new Jake and Amir's about once a month. That's correct. And our old YouTube channel where you can watch them a month after they come out.

That's right. So we're on two different YouTube channels if you think about it. Yeah. Three, if you count a few of the stolen ones like Jake and Amir archives where they like find old videos that we deleted. Yeah, that's my favorite one.

It's only the Spon Con and the old, old, old videos that were only on Vimeo. That's the good shit. Somebody recently posted the one where you and Dan are trying to go buy each other and then you guys kiss, remember that one? Yeah, and then I believe Dan sings 525,600 minutes from Rent.

Yeah, and we just put that online. Ooh, hello, somebody's at my house. It's Dan, he's delivering a cease and desist. That was so fast, there's no way he could have heard it. Do you have a video doorbell? Can you see who it is? Yes, I can. What are we looking at?

Well, let's take a little gander. Put it on the, put it on the stream. We're recording this, people can watch it. Let's just see a live peer into who's at the door. I wouldn't want to. It's two guys with president masks on and AR-15s. Oh, I know who it is. Who?

Yeah, it's someone dropping off some fabric for Jill to look at for curtains, so yeah. But they are wearing a clown mask and they do have a knife, but I just know that they're here to drop off a sample. We're here with the duffel bags filled with fabric. We have the Slub Cotton Basketweave that you requested. The performance limit. They have their mask. Oh, sorry.

I don't know why I was wearing that. I think I came from a kid's birthday party and I forgot to take it off. It's a side gig, you know. Giant shears are actually for cutting the squares of linen perfectly. Now you guys needed blackout curtains, right? Sorry about the whole terrifying you thing.

All this duct tape is so I can get a good seal on the window to get a true blackout. All right, this is a fiery view. The only advice pod on the web hosted by us, I'm Amir. I'm Jake, weren't we talking about something when my doorbell went off, weren't we? Oh, that video. Oh yeah, the fact that we're on YouTube now.

Right, full circle, full circle. 18 years later. Jesus. What? I don't think that's true. Really? I don't know. I hope it's not.

Okay, these are, as always, real questions from real people. Gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. How about a fake name for this lady who's mad at her husband for being obsessed with someone thing? Oh, Peg Bundy, always mad at her husband. That's right, Peggy writes, my husband is obsessed with his volunteer firefighter training

and it's making me insane. He eats, sleeps, and breathes fire fighting. It's all he talks about, however. Just, even just now when he was playing with our daughter, he got up and decided to wear his fire jacket. And when I asked why you put it on, he said, why not? He asked me every evening if I wanted him to teach me how to tie a safety knot and I always say no.

All they can think about is stories from training. I need to spend time with someone who's not a firefighter. At this point, if I'm ever in a burning building, I'll run away from them. Sometimes he practices knots by lassoing the baby's toys around their necks. Last night, I walked into the dining room and my husband had a firefighting stuff

all over the dining room to air out because it was sweaty. He also hung his cloth part of his helmet thingy to the ceiling fan. Please help, how do I communicate that this is his thing? But I don't want him to take over my lifeline. Yeah. I feel like there are some things in that list that you can take Umbridge at

and some things that are just, you know, he's passionate about something and I think it's nice to be a supportive partner. So like talking about volunteer firefighting during dinner and showing you knots, that seems like it's, you know, you can entertain that. Him lashing toys onto your children, that's something where you could say, you know,

with this, the answer is pick your battles. You can't in good faith go to him and be like, you need to shut up about volunteer firefighting because it's a noble thing and it's good to be passionate about. Yeah. It's kind of annoying because it's a really good obsession on a scale of what you can be obsessed over,

what you have an obsession about. Volunteer firefighting is probably in the top 3% of nobility. He could be like really into a firefighting video game and he could still have the sweaty clothes and want to practice knots and talk about them all the time. So like you have a good problem. I acknowledge that it's annoying and that it's still a problem

because sometimes when people are obsessed about something, they don't really have a filter and they can talk about it too much. Yeah, so I think you can draw the line. I think you can say you need to keep your firefighting stuff out of the living room and dining room and you can't hang stuff on the fan, but I will talk to you about it

if you want to chat firefighting. And if you get up while you're playing with a daughter and put on a firefighting jacket, that's fine because you're just happy to have a jacket. And I like that for you. And if you're lassoing a Barbie doll, maybe that's kind of one of the things that you can say no to. Maybe that's we don't.

Do firefighters have to be like jacked and have perfect vision or am I thinking of something else? I don't think that, I mean, I don't think volunteer firefighters, you have to pass a test. It's like a fitness test regardless. Yeah, so I don't know if you have to be jacked,

but you have to be able to do everything that a firefighter is required to do. And I don't think you need to have perfect vision, but I think if you don't, you'd have to wear glasses or contacts. I thought the thing was that like, you can't wear a contacts because they can get knocked off or like you can't wear contacts

because the smoke would get in the way. Or am I thinking of being an astronaut? Let's see, what jobs do you need perfect vision for? It was not even an auto, monocular vision is likely to be disqualifying. That's just having a single eye, right? Yeah, that's when you're just, you have a cyclops.

You have your depth perception. Yeah, or a pirate patch over. Right, yeah. You can't even have a parrot, right? I don't think you're, I mean, no, that would be endangering the parrot. So you can't, and for the peg leg,

like you can't go up a ladder, probably, or down that like pole. You cannot be an old cat, like an old cartoon pirate and a firefighter because that's just too funny. Yeah, that's too good. Yeah, plus the plank would just go up in flames. Like the whole thing wouldn't make sense.

Yeah. But you don't need perfect vision. Is that what you're seeing? It didn't appear. I didn't come up in my really brief search. Okay. I was just wondering if I could be a volunteer firefighter if I wanted to.

Right. Well, I mean, yeah, you have, your vision isn't a liability at all anymore. You have the Lasik. Yeah. Plus I'm strong, but you're fairly good at tennis and I can, I don't know. I'm kind of afraid of fire, though.

Yeah, you don't have bravery, which is one thing that I think it takes. But I don't think they could test for that. Courage. Grace under fire. I think they do. I think that's part of the, like you'll, They test that?

Yeah, they have like a building where they'll do like a controlled burn and you have to like go in to that. Would you be afraid to go into a burning building? Yeah. Like even as a test? I don't know, maybe. I could do something like that.

Where I'm not like fully lying, but I'd be like, yes, I'm scared. Well, actually, maybe it's fine. Right. But would you go in? Like cause it's not just like a yes or no test. Sure. If it's like the same shit as like the,

if you're sitting in an emergency on an airplane and they're like, would you be willing to assist? And you're like, yeah, if I get an extra four inches of leg room, sure. I'd be willing to assist. Yeah. But it's like that, but for fire. It's like, yeah, I get the fucking hat on.

But it's not because the jacket. Yeah. I bet you get the jacket last. I don't think they just give the jackets out to everybody. You have to pass the test. Really? Yeah. This would be a fun, true TV reality show

that we could pitch, write the pilot for, shoot the pilot for, and ultimately have rejected and wasted two years of our life over. Like, wow. Me and you do different like occupational tests to see if we can, cause, yeah. Cause you know, I was trying to be a notary. So like, could I be a notary?

Could you be a firefighter? That's episode one. That's the pilot. I become a notary and you become a firefighter. The pilot should be us being pilots, quite frankly. And then the second episode will be us with our second episode of, I don't know, schizophrenia or some shit.

And then the third. The third job. In a way, yeah. You know, dirty jobs, this is just jobs. Yeah, yeah, there's no, it doesn't, they don't have to be dirty or trying. It's just like, could I do it? You look at it and you, oh, you know what?

And I think what sells now is also like, the average notary makes this, a notary is a side hustle. You can make an extra 40,000 dollars a year notary. Yeah, exactly. Gig economy. What if it's hosted by Jaleel White? Volunteer firefighter, not quite.

Yeah, the name of the show is, can I do that? So it's Jaleel is like the host and he throws to like, sometimes you, sometimes me, sometimes like other people. And they're seeing if we in fact could do that. So no, it's not even our show. Now it's Jaleel's show. It's not even our show.

We're doing a cameo in the pilot. If Jaleel and I are down to get together in a room and flesh it out, develop it, we can look at your reel and see if you have what it takes to be on the show. But honestly, we're looking at so, Jaleel and I are looking at so many people right now that it's like hard to commit to you or to his friends.

You haven't even gotten in the room with Jaleel. You haven't even reached out. I can get. You could get in the Zoom, maybe. You're not trading. You haven't even gotten his avails. I have a line to Jaleel's manager. I do have a line out to him.

You have a line out to Jaleel's manager. And we're trading. And did you share a one sheet? Did you share a one sheet? I don't have to share one sheet. I don't think you do have a one sheet. I have a log line. Did you share a log line?

I have a log line. Yeah. Can I do that? What's your log line? Can I do that? Can I do that? That's a catch phrase. That's not a log line.

Legally it's not a catch phrase then we don't own it. But yeah, it's a similar sentence to one that he used to say on a different show. And the description of the episodes are Jaleel White pitches different jobs to his rotating cast and crew, which may include you, but may not,

just because we're looking for diverse voices in this. Why am I part of the log line? My rejection is part of the log line. It's sort of the tentpole slash load bearing pillar of the show is that you may or may not. One of the tenets is that I may or may not be involved. Exactly. On the day.

And me and Jaleel. Even though I came up with it, but you came up with the can I do that aspect? Yeah. And you're gonna reach out to his manager. I have a line out to his manager. Do you have a line out? Do you have a line out?

I was gonna ask next. Yes, yes I do. So why don't you? I pay $500 a year for IMDB Pro. Yes. So why don't you be my assistant and reach out to his manager and see if he has availability.

The same availabilities that I do. I'll share my calendar with you. Fine. You share your calendar with me. I'll reach out. I'll give him a couple of veils and I'll ask for Jaleel's of veils. And I'll just see schedule wise

if he's under contract, what position any of his projects are in. And then share the log line. Yes. And we'll package it. And see if we can package it with a reality director or a company that has a full suite of experience.

Packaging, developing, selling IP, both domestically and as bite size chunks internationally. Internationally. This will be playing on Virgin Australia. This will be playing on quant ass. Yes. Lufthansa. You better believe it is on emurates as well.

If you're sitting in first class, you have your own little cabin, you have your own little shower, you have a hot towel and you hear, can I do that? That's a proprietary show. That's RIP. That's RIP.

And every time you hear, can I do that? That sounds like ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching. That's cash register noises in my ear. Yeah. I trademarked that IP. I have copyrighted that IP and I will be litigious about that IP. And if I hear anyone else say, can I do that?

I'll say, no, you can't do that because I have copyrighted that. Because I've already done that. I've already done that. Well, I've been there and I have done that. And take it down, cease, desist, pay me onto next. Cease and desist before I say peace and you're deceased.

Okay. Not really. Not really. And I insist or something. Right, exactly. So I guess you can tell him not to hang his clothes in the living room, but ultimately, you don't want to poo-poo his passion,

yuck his yum and say, extinguish this fire, really. You don't want to do what he's trying to do. Let it burn. Right. I think so. I think so. But you can draw the line somewhere

so it can be a little less in your face. Bingo and on your fame. Bingo, bongo. All right, let's take a break. Thanks sponsors, come back and answer more questions. Okay. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yes, thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right.

Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of it. Excuse me, I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God, thank God I took that test.

That's right, and if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows, come on. Yes, this is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now.

So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing.

Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow, for years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know

how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you wanna sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

For example, I didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you wanna give somebody a gift this season,

a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash ifiru for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code IFIRU to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash ifiru, free trial,

everything looks good, let's launch it. Just use that offer code IFIRU to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's the left side of the fight. Oh.

Oh. I'm coming. Uh, yeah, yeah. And it's to stay subscribed to this feed. Okay. That this podcast is on, okay? Don't unsubscribe from IFIRU, even though, do you wanna tell them?

Basically, the next four episodes, not including this one, the next four will be our last. Right. This one, fifth to last, fourth to last, third to last, second to last, and then last episode at the end of April. Right. And IFIRU is over.

Let's go ahead and say penultimate instead of second to last. Okay. So penultimate episode. Yes. Do you wanna, yeah, do that again? So fifth, fourth, pen penultimate. Really? Penultimate, ultimate.

Yeah, then the ultimate. Yeah. That's what I want. Yeah. So four more episodes after this one. And IFIRU, as we know it, gone. But, you know, we're not gonna delete old episodes. Anybody can listen to those, to their hearts content.

Right. They'll be here. They'll be here for you. Two new episodes will not be. Yeah, two big things coming together. One, it's our 10 year, basically, like this is, that was exactly 10 years, which is May of 2013 to the end of April of 2023.

So that felt like a right, just timing wise. Yeah, right. And it was also kind of a coincidence because it's also lines up with your paternity leave. Yeah, that's just about when Jill's gonna have the baby. So I'm gonna need to take some time off anyway. And, right. So those two things came together and we said,

why don't we call it there for, if that's a wrap, that's a part of that. Quit while we're ahead, not so much. That's a picture wrap. Yeah. Yeah. Quit five years after we should have, essentially. Yes, exactly.

Just like the Jake and Amir thing. It's like you peek and you ride the crest down all the way to what is, can only be referred to as a crash landing. Right, rock bottom. Jumping the shark, as they say. Actually, there's a lot of like, similarities between Jake and Amir and Ifiru.

It's like the 10 year thing, starting early, you know, increasing in popularity and then finishing after 10 or so years. And then we started, Ifiru did that for 10 or so years, calling it there. We basically do everything for 10 years. Yeah. And Jake and Amir is a lot.

And 10 years is a lot. It was not quite 10 years. 2007 to like 2016 or something like that. Somewhere in that neighborhood. Yeah. Right. Ish. So yeah, we're a decade.

We do things for a decade. So we have to figure out what the next thing we're gonna do for a decade is. That's the bigger issue. And that's what we said to it. We never had, we never had enough. We didn't, like when Jake and Amir started, we had the podcast.

When the podcast is done, we don't know what that third thing is. We always step across the ships onto the next thing. Life boats. Yeah. This time, we actually have no idea. So we're just gonna end this show and see what's next when it comes to us.

Yeah. And it could be a podcast. It could be something else. It could be, I guess it could be anything. Do you have any ideas? I'm hoping your infant daughter on the day would have some insight. Yeah.

Her first words really early, the day she's born will be career advice for us. You guys should do some sponsored branding company. So you guys are like marketing executives. A cash grab. My daughter starts smoking cigar. Her dream is for me to be a marketing exec. Remember when we tried that like nine years ago?

We're like, why don't we just start an advertising company? Like we can come up with, like we did so much branded sponsored content. Like this is all awful. We should just do our own and write stuff for other people and occasionally start it ourselves. I think that was a good idea. Why did we sort of give up slash never succeed at that?

I remember it well. We got pretty far and I was very excited about it. We were basically gonna just start a product. You and I were gonna start a production company. We were gonna make our own videos and then also have like a sales guy that was selling sponsored content. And we were partnering with, this was pre-Marty.

So we were partnering with the head of sales at College Humor, like one of the previous head of sales. And I guess head gum was like a light version of that when we started it. We're like, okay, instead of just ads, let's do podcasting. Right, but this was like two or three years before head gum. Yeah. We were like thinking about doing it.

And I think what ended up happening was our lawyer and manager were very protective of everything we did and they didn't want us to like split anything with a new partner. So they kind of just gummed it up. Then we're trying to convince us, yeah, and trying to convince us to do TV stuff, which worked out perfect.

I mean, we have to figure out like one, is it like gonna just be a hard pivot? Like we build a house like we talked about. Is it gonna be like just another podcast, which is fine, but maybe a breath of fresh air? Yeah, that's the question. And we're having the brainstorm live right now. We were also pulling back the curtain super far.

Didn't even know if we were gonna announce it. Oh, this, yeah. That this, that it's gonna end. You were pitching. We were just, should we just end it in one episode? Like basically have this conversation be like, yeah, so anyway, the podcast is over. Right, which would have been really funny,

but I think a little too jarring. Now we have three episodes or two episodes, then the penultimate, then the ultimate, which is nice. Yeah. Well, I didn't want people to expect a grand finale where it's like now every guest we've ever had comes on and we have this song and dance and like this big finale, which we don't really have planned either.

Yeah, yeah. Everyone should know that we have nothing planned, including what we're doing next. I mean, it does feel like Jake and Amir's video, if I were you, is audio. There's, I like the idea of changing the medium or the format or something, but. I mean, we should say we're still making videos.

Like the Jake and Amir videos are continuing on head gum. Yeah, and so are the Patreon episodes, which is 15 to 20 minutes video every single week. Yeah, so this isn't because of a nefarious falling out or a complete stoppage and output, but rather like the timing of the 10 years thing plus a paternity leave plus the idea that perhaps this podcast, we've done it all.

We've been single at the beginning. Now you're having a child at the end. It felt like a good resolution to this full life story. Yeah, the podcast has run its course. It's been beautiful. What a ride. But also I feel like podcasts are just always such a grind. It's just every single week.

So it'll be kind of refreshing, even though as we said, we're still making weekly content, but to not make this show every single week, something that we've done for a decade will maybe free up our brain to have the brainstorm that we're trying and failing at right now. Well, we've done like either a video or a podcast every week since, I don't know,

15, 16 years at this point. Yeah, which is pretty. That'll be a jarring stop for someone that's experienced all of it. Right, yeah, just not. Well, that person could subscribe to the Patreon, which we'll keep on going. And that person probably already has.

Yeah, our streak is gonna stay alive because of that, which is good. Because we need to stay alive. Yeah, it's our livelihood. You can't just fully quit your job. But recharging your batteries is a good idea too. Yeah, I think that we need it and we need to boost a surge of creativity.

I need to feel reinvigorated. I wanna feel the passion, the passion that I felt for something like when we started the show. Yeah, what about live, something live? We come up with a special, like the equivalent of a stand-up special, but we don't do stand-up.

Yeah, I would love that. That's the kind of thing that we've never been able to do because you have that weekly thing that we have to put out. So when are we ever gonna spend, I feel like every single time that we hang out, we're like, oh, we could spend time writing or developing this thing, or we can bang out eight podcasts like we have to.

So that's been the trade-off. But now we have no excuse. Now we'll see if we actually, yeah, now we'll see if we can actually do it. All the distractions are put away. Well, you'll have to sort of keep an infant alive for three to six months. But I really have no excuses.

Longer than that. But yeah, I like the live thing. That's kind of fun. Yeah, that's kind of what Conan did. Like he finished his TV show and then he did like that tour. Yeah. So to see us, maybe we're thinking about this all wrong.

Maybe we should just go completely fucking dark. You can only see us live. So like you've had access to us, but that's kind of dangerous too because then everybody might forget about us. Right, yeah. We still do a weekly show in Boise. Yeah.

We can come out here. Yeah, we should do like public television, public access TV or something. That's kind of cool too. Broadway musical? Yeah, that's my shit. We do a full on American idiot style jukebox musical for an album we haven't even written yet.

A fade on shuffle album. We write an album. Then the musical is just that album. Right, so we write the album. We have chatbot string together, the interludes between songs. We make a teleplay. Yes.

What's our Mamma Mia? I don't hit a musical for us because we like music. Yeah. Do you remember you came up with a Pixar movie at one point garage the movie or house the movie? Yeah, I wonder. I wonder.

Yes. Yeah, garage the musical. Is there anything there? Is there any is there a there there? At the very least, I think that we can. I think we should write a musical. That's that's what that's where I'm putting my bet. OK, musical is good.

I could definitely write lyrics. I'm just the hard part is the songs like the actual music for me. I don't know how to do that part, which is like kind of crazy because I feel like you look at me and I'm like a savant like right. I'm sure he knows how to like come up with something like Book of Mormon meets Hamilton. That's just as funny as fucking.

I don't know. Seinfeld, but for whatever reason, there's like not that musical ability anymore. Yeah, whatever reason I lost. Did you say anymore? You used to be a musician. Yeah, sort of like you said anymore. Like I used to be like this virtuoso

Bo Burnham meets Dimitri Martin guy and that guy. I was a prodigy. I was a Beethoven. I was Doogie Hauser meets Sam Hauser, who's a small forward for the Celtics, like literally Swiss Army and I could do it. That's what you're a savantette, by the way. That's coming up with the contest.

Yeah, no naming basketball players. That could be it. That's the fucking show. That's our new show. That's our new show. You just say basketball. It's buckets. It's just buckets.

It's buckets, but I'm a host now. It's buckets, but a lot of more people are listening for some reason. Yeah, but our fans love basketball now. Anyway, let us know. I'm sure you guys are listening. What do you want us to do? What do you want to see next?

If you're still listening now, like it's been 10 years, like you're the super fans. You guys are the lifeblood. You tell us what you'd want to listen to next. All those guys that stopped listening, three, four, 12, 18 years ago, they're casuals. We don't fucking care slash respect their opinion. They're a zero to us.

They're nothing burgers. And we want something fries. And that's what we want. Thank you. I would say it should be a metaverse thing, but that entire thing is crumbling too. We can't attach our thing to the fad. It has to be more main state.

I'd have more a main state appeal than that. See, this is why I like the theater. I want it to be tactile. I want it to be visceral. I want to have more of an experience. I definitely don't want to sit on Zoom anymore. No offense. You want to like basically completely

zag from the pandemic where it's like, now we're all getting together, performing, breathing the same air for the first time in years. Yeah. I basically, for me, my idea is that you move back to New York City, we write a musical and we live on Broadway. What do you think about that?

That's really cool. Honestly, if we can write our own Book of Mormon, where we're sort of the Rosencrantz and Gildenstern side characters, not even the main stars, because we can't like, that's too much talent and effort. We're not singers and dancers. But like.

We'd have to be, oh, you know what? We would be like the narrators. Like. Or the King George. Like he comes out and then leaves and then the rest of the. Yes, exactly. In Hamilton.

Right. So it's a pop punk musical where you and I are playing our old selves, our current selves, retelling the story of something that happened to us in high school. So then there's young, talented, like young 20s, something's kids playing high school us. Okay.

So we're like uncles regaling our nibblings, which is nephews and nieces, a story about what life was like in the late nineties. Let me tell you something. Life in the late nineties wasn't exactly what you guys think it was. Kind of like we're talking about the forties. Or, you know, we could be getting a drink

for the first time after a really bad falling out in high school. And that's the, and then we, it's all told through flashbacks of song and dance. So we never have to do anything, but we would, we are the central characters. You're right, exactly. But a younger version of us.

Right, exactly. And then every once in a while it's old us sitting at a bar. Which we can just talk, that's fine, that's easy. Easy, yeah, exactly. I could do that eight times a week for a year. Yeah, well, what about your child? Well, they, that's fine. Yeah, they'd be fine.

Cause it's only eight times a week, but like from four 30 to eight. So, yeah, that's sort of like. Ultimately, the timing is actually not that bad. Yeah, cause you'll put them down around six or seven every night, but you won't be there for that. I won't watch them grow.

I'll miss their first steps, cause you didn't want the understudy to carry the weight on a Tuesday matinee one time. Right, yeah, I guess, well, it's probably ambitious to say that we'll get right to Broadway. We should just do a really limited run and maybe tour it around the country. Oh, that's cool, a black box theater,

sort of indie style. Yeah, right, exactly. Off, off, off Broadway. Right. All right, I feel like we're 8% of the way there. Now we just have to write every single song and come up with a story. Shouldn't be that hard.

Should be pretty, I mean, yeah, they'll come to us. Or there's something completely separate that we should be doing. So let us know if you have an idea. Please, please do. All right, but the show isn't over yet. We still have a few more questions and answers today and then four more episodes after that.

Love it. Okay, let's take a break, come back and answer some more cues after these messages. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business.

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free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, Stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. Oh, I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes.

And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device, anywhere, and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message

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A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEDGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEDGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Yes.

Should we just call it here? Like, just phone it in. Now that I think about it. Yeah, let's do the senior slide, but for the podcast. That's cool. Senior writers. Rest on the laurels. As it were.

Exactly, yeah. I mean, that's another good reason we're stopping the show. I feel like we've answered every possible question known to man, but I guess there are a few left over that we haven't addressed yet. I think we've answered them many times over, frankly. But I found a unique one. Whoa.

We'll call this lady. Who's a lady from Sesame Street? Is there a lady, Big Bird? Is Big Bird a woman? I truly do not know. A female Sesame Street character. Are all of the puppets dudes? I'm trying to remember because I know I've seen Cookie Monster's cock.

Sesame Street. He had a dick slip one time. Oh, Miss Piggy. That's yeah, I didn't. I thought she was more of a muppet than a sesame. But all right. That'll allow it. Isn't Sesame Street muppet is is Big Bird not a muppet?

Yeah, is it all? No, I don't know. Oh, my God. Now I'm getting confused. Is it all in a puppet? It's all Jim Henson. Yeah. OK, so there's muppets and then there's muppet babies. Yeah, because the muppet, a gonzo is a muppet. But he's on Sesame Street.

I can know. This is the new show. Just tell me how to get to muppet baby street. Whatever we're going with this lady's name is Miss Piggy, for sure. Yeah. And it looks like Big Bird is not a big, big bird gender. She's absolutely male. Wow, Big Bird is eight foot two, bright, tall, yellow, anthropomorphic male bird.

Whoa. I don't know what to think. OK, so Miss Piggy, Big Bird, all right. Today, I finally found myself in a predicament that I hope you can help me with. I live next to an apartment complex. And for the past week, someone has been throwing their garbage over my fence. It's a multi building apartment complex that surrounds the backside and right of my house. The apartment's dumpster is near the back corner of my backyard. And so sometimes if somebody is overzealous in throwing it, it could land in my yard.

But this person looks like they live in one of the apartment buildings to the right side, because most of the time the trash is thrown out there. I suppose it's too far a walk and this is close enough for him. The worst part is the trash bags aren't tied. And whatever food the guy ate is all strewn about on my grass. It's disgusting. Anyway, I called the apartment management and they said they'll put a notice out, but they don't think it'll help.

Whatever, whenever I pick up the trash, I sift through it to see if there is a name or any clue about who this person is. But alas, I haven't found anything. I finally put up a motion detection camera to catch the person in the act. But just now I heard something hit my bedroom window and I look outside and it's a box of Capri's son and a family bag of Doritos. I checked the camera and it didn't take any motion. He's like a ninja or something.

I'm upset and I don't know what else to do. Please help. Love Miss Piggy. Wow. See, this is this is unique. Yeah, that the building really should step up. That's I mean, I guess she has no idea who it is. If she knew who it was, then the building could actually do something. That's right. But they don't know.

Wow, garbage in your backyard. I can't you just lay in the backyard until someone throws garbage on you and then you go, hey, I'm sleeping here. See if it like scares the person. That's true. So far, I think that's the best answer, because yeah. Or you can very Ferris Bueller style rig something that just says, hey, I'm sleeping here every like eight minutes and hope that he like he throws his trash out in in that time frame.

I mean, I think there's also a camera that you can pay for that will do a continuous record, you know, yeah, rather than only get triggered by the motion because yeah, that's I think that's like too fast. It won't like necessarily start recording. So that's what you'd have to do. You'd have to like invest in in an actual security camera. Even if it's a dummy camera, sometimes people are afraid. You can fashion like a fucking broken ring

camera that faces the backyard. Just get a sign that says smile, you're on camera. Like if you have a sign that says that people will be like they'll make them think twice you are being recorded. Yeah, it's like the trash man mean dog thing. There's probably not often a mean dog on the other side. Yeah, right, just a sign that's enough to turn it. But why risk it?

Yes, exactly. Or you can occasionally, you know, paintball style shoot someone that's walking by so that corner becomes kind of like dangerous and scary. No one will want to throw garbage over at the insane woman that lives in that house. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I'm sure that seems pretty fucked up because it's illegal. Yeah, I mean, it's morally wrong, too.

Not just like, I mean, yeah, bad crush. Or that's a shooting someone is fucked up, basically. Yeah, yeah. I mean, God, we have to end the podcast if that's the advice, right? Yeah, I don't you think? Or we can get a little more loosey goosey with like the things we're promoting because like we're kind of piecing out soon. Yeah, I mean, we might want to come back.

We want people at the very least we want them to come to our play opening opening night. Oh, my God, can you imagine if you're at the original off-Broadway theatrical debut of 1998? It was the summer of 99 or something like that. Yeah, yeah, dude, it's going to be our generation's grease. That's that's what this is going to be. Yeah, because grease was written in the 70s about the 50s about the 50s.

And we're writing in 2023. We're writing a play set in 2003. Yeah, well, we'd probably want to be a little earlier than that, right? 2002. Yeah, but still after 9-11, are you thinking? Yeah, I think it has to be. I don't think it can be a pre 9-11 world. I think I think most of the punk rock that I know came out of 2003. Well, I guess when did Enema of the state come out?

It can be then. I would think 97, like it was late 90s, I thought. You would know more than me, but it all felt very pre 9-11. Like there was no issues wrong with the world. Oh, yeah, people were rapping about 1999. Yeah. Yeah, my girlfriend gets me Mexican food and that's nice. There were no issues at the time. OK, fine.

But I think it should be set in 2001, but summer. August, the entire thing is leading up to 9-11 and we never addressed it. The year is 2001. It's August 30th and then takes place over 10 days and we're out. Yeah, just before school starts on Tuesday. Jesus Christ. Listen to yourself. You started it, dude.

I I do. Yeah, no, I think I guess for some reason I was thinking 2003, but only because it was my senior year, but I'll just I could suspend my reality. I think right 2010 grade. Yeah, yeah, 2000. So let's say 2000. OK, that's cool. Y2K, Will Smith, right?

Getting jiggy style, dancing, music, videos, etc. It's all right. It's fertile ground. Exactly. Right. Exactly. And with we can't make it to 90s. We can't make it early 90s Nickelodeon. It's got to be like it's it's got to be that like pop punk era. It's late 90s.

It's Mark, Tom and Travis running around nude in What's My Age Again? That's correct. And how old were they in that song? The lyric is nobody likes you when you're 23. Right. I don't know if that's how old they were. It must have been a little over the 23. OK, there's no right now. That's it for now.

A lot of information. So you guys digest, let us know. Hit us back. Emails still open if you got your own questions. Now's your chance. We're disappearing forever or theme songs. If I were you show at gmail.com. Yeah, get them in, get them in.

There's only four more episodes, folks. But as always, more Jake and Amir's on the YouTube, the headgum is YouTube, YouTube.com, headgum, more Patreon weekly videos on patreon.com slash J.A. Yeah, just so we're we're gone, but not forgotten. And the opening theme song, of course, Alex. Remember Alex Gurgus? How could I forget?

That was a theme song. It looked like an original or something. Or maybe he used a famous rap beat and rapped over it. Right. And he says, anyway, good day. And thank you for being a chipmunk to the people. So thank you guys. And thanks to Alex and thanks to everyone out there

who's listened to us for 9.9 years. Here's to point one more, baby. Let's go out with a bang, everybody. See you guys next week. Ciao for now. Bye. What would you do with you and me? I read a book.

I read a book. I read a book, book, book, book, book. I read a book about it. Be became a beaver myself. Now I'm living in a beaver dam surrounded by elves. I'm saying to fucking beaver claws sleeping with the fishes cause I really need some ad applause for doing all the dishes. Oh, better help me out today.

I take my girl from my PK. I ate a fucking fish fillet. I always knew that come a day this may reigns over me. I took a lot of LSD. So help me please. These these cheese pieces. I'm laying down I'm praying you don't know what I'm saying. No one so what things time to go you would up to to love the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. That was a hit. Dumb original.