If I Were You - 589: The End Is Here

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Will Amir kiss Jen Aniston? Will Jake's child be born soon? Will Ben Schwartz join the show? Find out, in the series finale of "If I Were You". Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Hit Gum Original. Well, the name of the show is If I Were You, and yeah, this is the first episode. So this is the first and only advice podcast on the internet. From us. Hosted by us. Yeah, exactly right. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake.

If I Were You The Show A decade long draws to its ending For our friends, Jake and Amir Starbucks Suicide Is it impending? Oh. They've helped and mocked us all They've answered each and every question

And more, much more than this They did it their way Gold Mikes Jake's won a few Is this the time? He takes a turdy Shmuel What's he have to do?

So come on, Josh This chipmunks 40 Basil Ben Schwartz Middle Ditch To name some guests And of course, Jake's mom Game Boy Quassant Crandes

They all did it their way But what is this show? What has it got? If not poi juice Then it has not They say the things They truly feel And give advice

That maybe heals Let the podcast close With this final show That they do it their way Hugh Grant is 58 Oh, okay. He's here. Yeah. Love you. Okay. Kisses. I love my mother.

Cut him loose, whitney. We have a question from a lady. I'm actually humbled, honored and chuffed. I were you Show That was beautiful. It was a retrospective. Thank you.

Thank you. Walk down memory lane. Thank you. To Squarespace for sponsoring this episode. Oh my god. If you want to build a website. That was Matthew Kazakos. Let me pull that up.

Kazak. Yeah. I mean, we got a few theme song submissions that wanted to be the last, the final theme song. So we're going to use all of them? Not all of them, but we're going to hit the great ones. But I felt like that was the most ideal opening salvo. Yeah. Yeah. It had it all. It had my mommy's laugh. It had your mom's laugh.

It had us at the beginning from the first episode and I think we do sound young. We sound a lot younger than we do now. Yeah, definitely. We're little babies. At the very least me. Let me pull up this. So it's Matthew Kazakos. No plugs, but shout out to my brother Ben Kazakos for his help with the song.

He's been a fan of yours since the beginning. Cool. So maybe he helped put together the highlights. The Kazakos brothers. Yeah. Did you get like the live show clips in there of like Hugh Grant is 58? Yeah. I don't know what I'm saying.

That was at the Gramercy, right? Was it? Yeah. We had a guest. It was Ben, I think. Ben Thomas. Yeah. They're fucking the crowd. Just hearing Siri go, Hugh Grant is 58.

That should be our next podcast. Just who is 58? Who is 58? The show. Wow. It's that easy? Yeah. But then people can cheat.

I guess we can roll dies. Oh yeah. You can roll a die in D style to determine the number. You can roll a D100 actually. Who's 100? There has to be a celebrity here. Who's 100? Is there a celebrity that's 100?

It was almost Betty White. The Queen. Congrats on the amazing run. Thank you for all the laughs. We will miss this show and look forward to your next adventure. There you have it. Respect. Thank you.

And we'll play a few other ones throughout this final episode as well. Yeah. Unless, should we just say like fuck it and do like seven more? Seven more songs? No, seven more apps. Oh, right. Well, we have to because Squarespace is sponsoring a seven episode run. Yeah.

A nice extra order that you have to deliver while you're on paternity leave. Right. They wanted me to do it. They wanted me to host it with my daughter. Yeah. Just, it's cute to imagine a newborn wearing little headphones. Yeah. For cash?

Yeah. It's adorable. Your child hasn't been born yet. No, not yet. Yeah. She is leading up all the way basically to the precipice. This is the very last, I arguably shouldn't even be here right now, but I wanted to record the last episode in person.

Right. You're cutting it close. And actually by the time this episode comes out, there is a world where she has been born. For sure. There's a world where she's born by the time I finish recording this episode right now. Yeah. By the way, are you on do not disturb mode? Because I know I don't want like text or stuff coming and being like.

So I am on do not disturb, but I have an exception for Jill. So that's just if she goes into labor. I have to. I honestly, if she goes into labor, I have to finish this episode, do a couple more things around that. Just an ad. Yeah. We have to get to the athletic greens ad.

Yeah. I'm going to record all the ads and then I'll get home. I wonder how it was like when our parents were, you know, having us as kids. Like where are dads that casual? Because there was no cell phones at the time. Is it like my dad's at work and I hope nothing happens. And if it does, we'll see you at 9 p.m. tonight. I feel like there were so many stories of dads missing births.

Right. And now it's like, that's the last thing I could imagine doing. Or like, yeah, he like gets to the waiting room. It's like, yeah, are they born yet? Like the doctor comes out. Just finished golfing. And then the idea of paternity leave just didn't exist. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I'm taking a nice chunk of time for paternity leave. Actually, we wanted to, we were talking about that. I think. Our first guess is head comes to HR. Which is just Marty letting you know that you're probably taking too much paternity leave. So we should bring this podcast back after what will probably be a one to two week hiatus

maybe. I'll probably sneak in a bonus episode or four. Smart. Yeah, two bonus episodes on a Thursday. It's funny to call this episode the last episode ever. And then next week is just like, we're back. It's like, sorry, did you think we didn't know? We thought it would drive up subscriptions.

It really didn't. So we're just going to keep on keeping on. It didn't make the last, the, we got lucky with like Allison, Jill, Avi Tal, like leading up to this episode. So it does feel like more substantial, more specific, more special. Since we announced, was there anything that made you regret ending the show? No. You feel 100% fine.

I'm at peace. It has been nice that I'm getting like tweets and people posting to our subreddit being like, oh, this is a bummer. I listen every Monday night have for the last 10 years and it's gotten me through some stuff and this is going to be sad when it's over. All of these, like all of those comments make me be like, oh, shit, I didn't realize you liked it. I'll keep on doing this show.

I'm sorry. Yeah. Well, those people, people who listen to the podcast once a week, they don't write in and be like, just wanted to let you know that I listen and I'm glad that you're keeping it up. We have to sort of threaten and in this case, actually leave for them to miss you. Right. Wow.

We made good on our promise. Although what we could have done was just say that we're leaving and then get all the adoration. Right. It's kind of like going to your own funeral. Yeah. When celebrities die, it's like, oh my God, I love this and here's all these amazing stories about the celebrities.

Like, oh, why don't you tell this stuff while they were still alive? Yeah. This is like, we get to have that stuff while we're still alive. Right. But yeah, it's not like we got any. That's another good idea for our next podcast. Eulogies? Oh, that's pretty good.

We have a celebrity on every single week and we just give, we basically behave as if they're dead. Yeah. So, oh, that was a live show that I went to at, I think just for laughs, they do like a living week. Oh, that's sick. Yeah. So it's like, this person is here.

It was Bob Odenker because it's like this person is here, but we get to eulogize them while they're still around. Wow. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah, great. So it already exists. Yeah.

But that just means it was parallel thinking. Right. Yeah. Well, I was at that show, which is annoying. Yeah. You did co-producer for a few years before having a pretty bad falling out with the other executive producer. That's right.

You said, you think you fucking own this idea? Watch this. Just because you came up with it. I helped with the production. I did the hard part. Although I am looking at our email and they're still just, it's still riddled with spam, so it doesn't feel like there's such an outcry of support that we have to use. Yeah.

Are you happy to never, ever look at this, you know, again? Yeah. I wonder if we will. It's been around for 10 years. There's 10 years worth of questions in history in this email box while I just close my computer and just never log out. Yeah. All right.

It is a lot of spam at this point. Yeah. It's mostly a lot of spam. It's a graveyard. It's bad. It's like your old AOL email. If you ever like log in there. It's a ghost town.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. A criminal shagged my girlfriend. Is that one of the questions? Yeah. Well, it's actually, I guess one we've answered before. A criminal shagged my girlfriend.

Yeah. It looked like we answered it in 2019. Oh. All right. And he did a follow-up pop. Whoa. I don't remember what the question was. Okay.

I broke up with my ex two years ago. A few months ago after we broke up, I found out that she had cheated on me and one of my best friends. And a couple months after that, the person that she cheated on me with went to prison. I guess we answered this question four years ago. It sounds vaguely familiar. Yeah. Maybe we answered it during a live show.

And then this guy emails in again. I don't think I've ever heard you do a follow-up pop on the show, but with the advent of the end of the podcast, I thought I'd follow up with my previous email. You read my email at a live show with Thomas and Ben in 2019. Wow. That was the same show where we played 58. Yeah. Maybe so.

Let's see. The convict, I went to, oh, I guess go to a party to see them. So I went to the party and guess what? The convict didn't even turn up. I guess he was afraid about going to a party and seeing the convict. I didn't have any awkward conversations about him fucking my ex. I didn't even have to beat the shit out of him. And oh yeah, I met the love of my frickin' life at this party.

We hit it off immediately, subsequently in the next three years in a loving and committed relationship. And then I broke up with her last November. As it turns out, I am an immature piece of shit who is scared of commitment. There you have it. Okay. Well, good on you for realizing that, but you weren't that scared of commitment three years as a decent commitment.

Yeah. You can't be scared of commitment and be with someone for three years. Yeah. Maybe you should be so hard on yourself. Maybe it ended for other reasons. Anyway, this is a fire you, again, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. For now. For one less episode.

I didn't realize that was a joke from the first episode too. Oh yeah, hosted by us. Yeah. I also didn't realize that it was like a dual joke. I thought you just always said that. Right. And then I said hosted by us and then you said, or no, I said first podcast, advice podcast on the internet.

And I said from us. Yeah. And then you said, yeah, the first podcast, the first advice podcast hosted by us. Yeah. And then that's been your intro ever since. That could be a good conceit for the next podcast is just the second podcast hosted by us. Right.

Yeah. We should file that one away. We bring it back and it's just called the Jacob and your advice hour. This is a second advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. That's actually not bad. Have you been thinking about new ideas for our next podcast? Well, the idea of the live show is intriguing, the like it only existing at live shows like a musical or like a live advice hour or something like that.

And we did that at our caveat live show last month. We did. The headgum happy hour. Yeah, the headgum happy hour. We did basically like a Q&A when we hosted was like, we're giving out advice, right? So that's kind of interesting. Yeah. So not actually changing the podcast, just changing the the medium in which we give

advice. Yeah, that's kind of cool. So we can still do this show, but it's once every other month. Yeah. Live. Would you fly to New York once every other month? For a lot of cash. Yeah.

I wouldn't do it for free. Right. Yeah. I wouldn't fly monthly cross country flight. Yeah. For no reason. For no reason. Yeah.

But if we're if we're selling out the Madison Square Garden every single time, then I feel like that's good. The garden or the theater next to the garden? I feel like either way. But I was thinking, I was thinking the proper, no, I was thinking the theater was just like 3,000 seats. The theater is 3,000. What's the MSG?

Yeah. That's probably like 18505. What does Billy Joel do? Billy Joel sells out weeks and weeks and weeks at the arena. Yeah. Yeah. Because Billy Joel is insanely famous, successful and popular. Right.

I'm not saying he's not. Yeah. Do you think I'm saying he's not? I'm saying he is. I'm saying he is. Don't lump us into that. I'm. Train of thought even.

Excuse me. Yeah. Don't like to use that as a benchmark. Billy Joel's. Trying to figure out how many tickets we can sell. Billy Joel's a world class talent. Do you disagree? We sold 111 tickets at last month.

Air caveat. Yes. So there wasn't more tickets available, so we don't know how many more we could sell. Not 21,000. And I'm just saying. Yeah. But Billy Joel can, of course. He's in the arena.

Yeah. And I said we'd start in the theater. Don't know. We're not starting in the theater. The theater would be pipe dream fucking MSG. Pie in the sky. Theater. Couldn't believe we sold out.

3,000 seats. Yeah. There's no way. To see us. And I'm not saying that we open for Billy Joel because we can't because we're not musicians. But I'm saying if he is already selling out the arena, then if we open for him, we don't even really have to worry about selling the tickets because his name ID is helping us with the ticket sales.

But we're helping him by entertaining his audience. So he'll cut us in. I'm not saying 50-50 because I feel like he's done a lot of the heavy lifting. He has an amazing catalog. Yes. Yeah, no man. Yes. He has River of Dreams.

Uptown Girl. Uptown Girl. He's going to be singing the song. There's no way he's going to invite us on stage to be like doing like an opening fucking karaoke version. Because I don't even know all of the words to Uptown Girl. Yeah. You know like the fucking chorus.

Uptown Girl. Yeah. But like how does it start? Like. I think it starts with Uptown Girl. And when she loves. And you can't do that on stage. Actually, I think maybe I do know most of the words.

But you wouldn't do that a lot. Not that hard. You would practice. You would practice a little bit. You're good at it on the day. I wonder if he even has a fucking teleprompter. I wonder if he even just does fucking lip syncing because he's done this show so many times.

Yeah. They probably have a recording and then I could do the lip syncing and he would even have to be there. Yeah. I don't even know the difference between Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen at this point. Right. Like to me they're just sort of like the same morphos. Or Drun is either of those guys.

Exactly. It's like one's jersey, one's line. And yeah. And it feels like the same thing and it occupies the same part of my brain space. But he's selling out MSG and I'm saying we in tandem with Joel. Yeah. Yeah. Mr. Billy Joel.

Yeah. We could do that. Not sell it out but be a part of the act. Of the show. And then he'd have to cut us in to take a sales to merch obviously because we're- I would fly for that I think. Yeah. I would do a bike because then I would do, I would time it so it's like the beginning

of April the end of May. Yeah. Because then even if, yeah, if he's like splitting that up with merch and stuff you're probably clearing like, you know, five, six hundred thousand a night. Do you think there's a chance we would see? Yeah. There would fly me out first class and there would be, is there like this world? Or is there a chance where we see someone like a Jen Aniston in the green room?

Right. Yeah. Because I feel like MSG, New York based celebrities, they're going to want to go to a show. Paul Rudd's going to take his aunt to- Right. To see. He wants to be there. He wants to be seen.

Right. I wonder if there's a world where I even kiss Aniston even on the cheeks or on the lips. I was like a hello or a goodbye. I think if you run in- Kind of like how celebrities do. Yeah. I feel like you fly from Los Angeles first class. Yeah.

You have a town car picking you up. That's cool. At JFK. Yeah, I actually really like that. You're arriving in the green- Navigator is sort of like a low ride. No, it's a Lincoln- Town country.

It's a Lincoln town car. Low, because it's only you and they got to weave in and out of traffic. Yeah. And you arrive at the green- Tinted window. Excuse me. You arrive at the green. I'm wondering if I kiss Aniston.

I'm telling you, having not had- So I'm sort of hungry. You're hungry. You're peckish. Yeah. You did have the meal on first class. It's a nice meal, but it's not like a super filling meal. It's not dinner.

It wasn't dinner. No. There's a roll. At the end of the day, it's still mostly a roll in South. Exactly. So you're feeling a little cranky. And then they say- I'm angry and I'm eager to kiss an Aniston type.

And I'm wondering if that should be on the lips. And then you're having shrimp cocktail in the green room. Yeah. And I feel like kind of like, whoa, how long has that been out there? Yeah. Because Springsteiner is at fucking Joel at this point. Who are we even talking about? He never touches the seafood.

With Joel. Yeah. And Aniston walks in. And she says, oh, hi. You're the opening act. I just wanted to say good luck. Yeah. It's weird for you to not be like, oh my God.

You know, Jen, you know, you have to like- I acknowledge her. When you see that kind of celebrity and they're seeing you in your green room before your show, you kind of have to like- I feel like you have to be like- I wonder if I kiss her. Oh, yeah. I'm wondering if I kiss her.

You know, we would run in the same circles. Yeah. Do you think I would kiss her? You say it's good to see you. You don't even say I'm a mirror. You don't even introduce yourself. No, because it says it on the sign. She's a star and she's probably been at so many soirees.

Am I still hungry? No, you've had it at this point. At this point I've had shrimp. You have had shrimp. Yeah. Because I'm wondering if I should kiss her at this point. That's the issue. You do have some cocktails sauce on your chin and you're dabbing it with a napkin.

Yeah. But she caught you by surprise. So she's- There's no way Joel is using anything like that less than a cloth napkin. Yeah. It's actually more- But you have to say, Jen, it's good to see you. She doesn't know if you've met before.

Maybe you have. Maybe you guys went to the Met together. Or we can say like, we have common friends. Like, oh, I know somebody who knows- I go swimming with Schwimmer. Yeah. And that's cool. I'll say I go swimming with Schwimmer.

And then at that point- Double kiss. Double kiss. That's what I'm saying. Double kiss, double kiss. Good to see you. And then you pull back and you realize there is cocktail sauce on her cheek because you had cocktail sauce on you, then you dab with your napkin.

Say, sorry, I stuck you with some cocktail sauce. That's cool. And then she laughs it off. It's funny. This is an idea for our next show? Or do you think that that was just you walking me through what I think might happen if we end up opening for Joel or whoever? Like, well, no, I think that is-

That's our life if this is our next show. If we decide to do the live show every month- Every other month at caveat. Yeah. The person venue in the Lower East Side. The person venue in the Lower East Side. Yeah. We eventually get to the point where-

To the point where- Where you're necking with Aniston- I wouldn't even hate that. Even if it took years to get there, I feel like- Yeah. That's ultimately fine for me because I'm having the shrimp on the flights. You're on the first class flight. You are in the town car.

You are in the green room with Aniston. You are background singing on Uptown Girl. You steal the show. People say, who is that background singer covered in shrimp cocktail? And when she glows up, she makes up her mind. You're pointing at Aniston? She's like- Like Courtney Cox and the Bruce Springsteen music video?

Music video, yeah. That's Springsteen though. See Adjacent. Yeah. Cox on Springsteen is the same shit as fucking Aniston and Joel. Exactly. And I just happen to be there. Exactly.

That's exciting. Okay. I mean, maybe it is good that we're ending the show then because I feel like as long as we keep this up- Yeah. The sky's the limit. Our anchor, this program, is no longer attached to our person, our talents. Right.

And our talent can now take off and fly in a different way. Finally. And it doesn't feel as sad because we're still noodling on what our next project will be. Yeah. So while this is ending, it doesn't mean our creative endeavors are coming to a halt either. Yeah. To me, it almost feels a little bit freeing. I think, you know, in one sense, it feels like not having this show allows us more time

and creative freedom to think about the next thing. Right. And another, we are still busy with other creative projects in addition to this show. So my hope is that losing this show doesn't make us just like have better relaxed time, you know? Right. Are we actually going to, it's like the thing, it's like somebody pushes a deadline a week. It's like, am I actually going to spend a week working on this thing?

Am I just going to spend the last day regardless of if it's this week? Will we fill the couple hours we usually dedicated for this show with other creative work? Yeah. Or looking at our phones? Probably the phones thing. Yeah. So does that mean we have to actually cut ourselves off from any, not only work, but creative and familial social friendship obligations?

Like, is there a world where we have to just completely like move into a house together? Yeah. I think really weird timing for me to do that after Jill has our baby. After she has had? After she has had. Yeah. For me to be like, I think I need to go on a spirit quest. Yeah.

This is all too much. And I love what it's have. I love the family thing. Yeah. But I'm going to go live in a cabin with Blumenfeld and see if we can write a script. Yeah. See if we can break this fucking musical once and for all. But I mean, I also would like doing something like that once.

I think I, I've been thinking about like, you know, spending extended time in Los Angeles next year when the baby can travel and stuff. With child. With child. With Jill. With the dog even. But just like spend a couple months in the winter out here. And that could be a nice, nice way to live.

And then we could also dedicate more time because yeah, it's, it's tough like, you know, we're just, we're just going to hop on zoom and like be creative for an afternoon. Yeah. That's not really that fun. That doesn't spark joy either. Right. But me coming into this office and I was sitting in the conference room and talking. Yeah.

A white board. Yeah. With ideas. That's cool. And that's also the kind of thing you can do. We can do when you come to New York every other month for our MSG theater show or a caveat show, I guess I should say. Yeah.

A caveat show for sure. For sure. For now. But actually it's going to be at the bell house in, in the summer. One step up. That's one step up. That's, that's like four or 500 seats. You think we'll sell that out or sort of keep it at the 120 mark?

I think we'll, I think we'll get, I think we can sell it out. Okay. Cool. I'd like to not be embarrassed by saying that. So everybody hopefully will, will show up. Yeah. Tickets at headcom.com slash live not now, but in the not yet. But they will be.

So bookmark that page. Have you been talking to new fathers to sort of get a sense of how much obligation is ahead of you in the next however long? Yeah. I have been talking to, I feel like I talk, I'm one, I'm listening to a dad like podcast right now. A dad cast. Yeah.

Called dad's splained. I don't know how, I think it started like 2018. I have no idea if they're still making episodes, but I just like looked up best, best podcast for new dads. Oh, that's cool. And there was a bunch that were like, Charlie and Billy tell the best dad jokes and like, it's comedy podcast about being a dad. I'm like, I definitely don't want that.

I want to be like, it's two weeks in, here's what's going to happen. Yeah. And these two, these like sweet little guys from Atlanta, I think are, they're just the ones I've listened to so far, two episodes where they share their birth stories. Yeah. Because that's what I'm thinking about now. One step at a time. Yeah.

I felt like the last few weeks was me prepping the nursery, all the baby gear, organizing all the closets. Yeah. And I was really overwhelmed by that, but now that's all done. And now I'm like, all right, you know, two weeks ago, I finally looked up like how to get to the hospital that we're delivering at. Yeah. I looked up have the root.

I have to have the root. Now I know like, okay, if it's between nine and six, there's a valet and otherwise I'll have to park. So maybe we should take it. But I know all these things now that I was like, I have no fucking idea. That's very one step at a time. Like that's that problem will exist once and then in like two weeks after the baby's born.

Jill goes to labor. It's seven AM. I'm like, great. We're going to work for two hours at home, then valet is open and we're good. But yeah, if it's a Saturday at two AM, daddy, how do I raise her now? But yeah, I've been talking to listening to those dads, I talked to some new, new dads that we know. Yeah.

I talked to like my older cousin, I was like, you know, 12 and 13 year old kids. And I remember. Yeah. Everything's going to be fine. And I'm like, that's my favorite. He's like, you know, you're going to stress out about a lot of stuff, but really everything's fine. And I was like, I don't know if that's, if anyone else would consider that good advice,

but that's exactly what I need to hear. Yeah. Like just don't get worked up about these little things because it's all going to work out. Well, everybody's exactly where they are in the journey. So if he has a 12 and a 13 year old, he's like, I don't fucking care about an infant anymore. Yeah.

And I'm just missing other friends of mine, like, you know, have a baby and just be so anxious about like holding the baby and they're like, okay, do you know how to change a diaper? I know that I have changed a diaper before. I don't know how to do it. No. But they also, you spend two days in the hospital and the nurse like teaches you how to swaddle the baby, how to change the baby. I've watched a YouTube video.

I watched my friend John change his kid. That's good. I kind of, I think I get it. Yeah. And it's the kind of thing that is like, at the end of the day, it's not that hard. You just need to do it repeatedly. And I think that ends up happening. Yeah.

It seems like the first three months are just like an activity that's happening every three hours on a loop. It's more of like a psychological difficulty. Yeah. The kid's not like running around or yelling or being mean. You have to figure it out. It's just like this, I have to keep this little thing alive. And it sounds, to me, I feel like that's going to be the most stressful part because like

you're watching me kid breathing, it's like, oh, this is so sweet. It's like, are these breaths too shallow? I don't know. Got his temperature. Is that fast? Is that normal? Everything that happens, I'll just be like, that's sweet. Is it normal?

Is that good? Avi Tall's mom had a funny line. She's like, once you have a kid, you never sleep again. I was like, that sounds kind of stressful, actually. You never sleep again. But I've also heard from people that have like their second kid and their third kid, they're like, your first kid is like, you're anxious, you're learning everything, you're stressed, you want everything to be perfect, you buy all the right gear.

And then they're like, second kid, third kid, it just, it doesn't matter. They don't care anymore. Your parents had six. Yeah. My parents had six. And I actually, I talked to them about just because we're buying, we have a bottle warmer and a bottle sterilizer, like a special little cage for all the stuff to get put in the dishwasher so it doesn't mix with other stuff.

All the stuff we didn't have in the 80s. And I was like, there's no way that my mom had a bottle sterilizer. I can't remember any of this. And she was like, oh yeah, when we had Hannah, we rented a crib from Stanford College for a dollar a day or a dollar a month or something like that. A lot of new products in the last 10 years. Both moving this, smart cribs, like apps that you say, okay, when did you eat? When did you poop?

When did you do this? Right. A camera that just goes above the, like it used to be the baby monitor. I remember when my brother was born, they had like the baby monitor, it's just like, you could hear if he's crying. But now there's like a bird's eye view above the baby. There's a crib that rocks the baby. Right.

If they stir, they rocks the baby. Yeah. I mean, right now we have three, or no, we have two strollers and three different attachments. And I'm like, I know for a fact, we bought one new thing when the triplets were born and my mom got like a three baby stroller. And we did all right. Yeah. We did fine.

I mean, I'm fucked, but everyone else is good. Five out of six is a pretty high success rate when it comes to children. For sure. That would have been a good new podcast too if we were both having children at the same time. Yeah. Well, you're getting married. That's kind of a big one.

Yeah, but that's, there's no podcast to be had about somebody who's just married and somebody who had a kid. I feel like from living together to marriage is not that huge of a step from marriage to kid is a quantum leap. Both of us being dads, that would have been good. But you couldn't hack it. We could share the child. Share custody.

I wonder if there's a world where I raised, because then you guys have a week off and then I'm stressed out about the child. And then you have the child and I have the week off. That is interesting. You're not on high alert for like 18 years straight. And then we eventually interview my daughter for the show and we're like, who turned out which one was better? Which one was better?

Yeah. Settle this, settle this bet. Or were we both assholes for doing this? I just liked the moms actually. Interesting. Yeah, I could see that because we did spend a good year, year and a half. I got your free helix, didn't I, darling? I don't know.

It was free for me until I'm 29. Oh, I guess it was free for me. Which is more important if you think about it. All right, I guess we should take a break. Why the fuck not? Thanks to sponsors. We still have some advertisers after all. That was our last first act of this show.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. It's great how fast that happened. And then we'll come back and talk more, I guess, after these messages. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Well, yes, thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir.

Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. Excuse me, I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it.

Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing.

Free pillows? Come on. Yes, this is their best offer yet. And no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one.

And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code

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Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. We've already dispensed every unsolicited advice we have. That's true. From water pick all the way back to a new water pick. Yeah.

We're empty. I've gotten a lot of water picks since we met recommended. I'm out of wisdom. What water pick do you use now? It's some sort of sonic care portable, but I have to charge it. But once it's charged, you know, you can pick it up and use it on the go. Interesting. Yeah, I'll have to check that out.

All right. So you had an email that you wanted to read. Yes. From your dad. From my father who started listening to the show, I guess in the last few years. So he didn't listen back in the day when we were calling him a pumpkin a lot. I think he did. I think, I mean, he, he listened to that because my mom would listen and he would hear it.

And then he came to the live shows where he was, he was called a gourd and stuff. And he was a character in our universe, a caricature. And then I think he started me. Oh, you know what? It was when my parents moved from New Haven back into Hamden and his, his work commute got a little bit longer that he started listening. Wow. So anyway, he was him and my sister, Sarah, who have listened to every episode, or I

guess I don't know if he's listening to every episode, but anyway, him and my sister, Sarah are the current listeners to the show. And both of them were kind of like surprised when they found out it was ending. And that was, those were the only two people that I felt that I was like, oh shit, should I not stop the show? I feel, I feel bad. It's nice that I get to talk to my sister and my dad once a week. Yeah.

You don't actually talk to them. You talk to me and they listen. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You're like, shit, now I have to fucking call my sister. I hate to do that. Love you, Sarah.

Okay. So my, but my dad wrote in and the subject is what's next. And he says, I think this is a suggestion. A couple of years ago, as I suggested, a Jake and Amir variety type show, sorry. Can you do an impression of him? Just so I can read it in his voice. Okay. A couple of years ago, I suggest that a Jake and Amir variety type show, not unlike the

Smothers Brothers, which had a, which had a nice mix of comedy, music and topical humor. It was the topical humor that got them canceled. I still think a good brothers or us both. I still think a good variety show is a good idea. A good variety show is a good idea. It has to be a good variety show. That gives them an out because if it fails, we like see it was a bad variety show. I told you it needed to be good.

Part of the show could be you guys chatting, maybe more scripted, maybe you could even answer a question or two, a la Carol Burnett, who I don't know. He's so old. Like we don't get these references. Oh, length could be as short as half an hour in order to prevent quantity from overtaking quality. So I feel like he's almost suggesting this show except with music and a half an hour long.

Well, he's the, the live show aspect of it is kind of what you were, uh, eager to do as well. Yeah. Which is, so it's like a variety show that only exists as a stage show. Right. It's like, it opens with a Jake and Amir live sketch. Oh. Then it's like, you know, applause and the intro and then we come out and we answer

some questions. Then we sit down with an interview, like a guest interview. So it's sort of a variety show that only exists as like a live show. That's really interesting. Yeah. This is a great idea for my dad. I think, yeah, it feels like we're, it's kind of what we're planning on doing for the live show.

We just need to add in the, maybe the topical thing, like a monologue, right? Yeah. A monologue where it's like. You guys see this? This is me. She's like, no, no, no, no. Because the variety show, every variety show, while it has like interchangeable parts, it has the consistent thing.

It's got them. It's got a monologue. Yeah. Well, that's a talk show, not a variety show. Oh, okay. A variety show is kind of like he mentioned, like in the 70s and stuff. Literally anything, anytime. It's like more sketches and like songs and it's like, is SNL a variety show?

SNL, I thought, it's called it a sketch show. But yeah, I bet it's like modeled after because it's got some music guests and some sketches and some. So we have, we have opening sketch. Yeah. We have, or I guess, does it need to have a format then? Mm-hmm. Okay.

Great. It needs to have a format for sure. For sure. For sure. Yeah. Otherwise you're just on stage to be like, now what? Well, yeah, then you could just do, you know, different five to 10 minute things, segments. That's a variety show.

Mm-hmm. But it doesn't have to be like always a monologue, always a music, always a sketch. Yeah. It's like a little, it is exactly that. It's a variety. It's like, all right, now let's go to a pre-taped video that we shot. Now this is like a man on the street thing. Now it's like, all right, now I'm talking to the audience.

Now I'm dancing. Now I'm kissing somebody like if it's a Jan Aniston thing, it's like me kissing Jan Aniston on stage or whatever. You're obsessed with that. But yeah. I like. So, all right, sweet. So we just need to do a live monthly, bi-monthly variety show.

Yes, exactly. Then that becomes a TV show as it gets really popular, as it sells out MSG theater, not the arena. Exactly. It's like the Jake and Amir family fuckfest or something like that. I think the Brady bunch. I feel like my dad actually, yeah, the subject was, I said what's next, but it was because I censored it.

It was the Jake and Amir family fuckfest is what he had said. I can't believe it. Parallel thinking again. Yeah. And then we can also do it occasionally on a yacht. I wish we had, because I watched, I remember my dad telling me about the Smothers Brothers a while ago and I like, I think I sent you a video too, but like, they were musically talented in a way that I wish we were.

But if we had that in our arsenal, I think we'd be a lot stronger. Yeah. If we were like the Bo Burnham type where it's like, oh, I'm funny, but then also I can write a really catchy song. So when I can. And I feel like only one of us knows how to sing, and you don't have any musical talent, but I do. It's hard to be off tune in like such a short, because it's not even, it's completely in

a vacuum and yet it still doesn't feel. I didn't get like counted in and I don't have my ukulele right now. Yeah. So I feel like. Your yuk. Yeah. I feel like if I had my ukulele, ukulele, and, or if I had my maracas, then I could have, I have a flute and I have, I think I could have, I have a recorder, I meant to

say not a flute, but yeah, that was awkward because, yeah, because I just went in so cold. Do you know those like that little like whistle, no, it's like a little whistle that like this is the tone. That's the note. Yeah. Oh, see. I didn't hear that. It's hard to go in acapella and you drain all of the fucking like energy from a room.

So I feel like. I mean. You didn't even count me in. You launched into it out of nothing, out of thin air. So it wouldn't have, it would have been more than just the single note that you needed to hear. You need voice lessons. I don't need voice lessons.

I know how to sing. I'm pretty musically talented. It's weird to do it in this room when you're so you're like fucking a stiff as a board right now. Light as a feather. It's like, I don't. It's hard to like, you know, have a duet with somebody if I had like 10 years of chemistry on the show.

So like if it's not happening here, you have the you have like such an like an absence of musical talent that actually drains me of mine. Like a black hole. Yeah, like I'm like, for some reason, sharing half of my music ability with you while we're sitting here. Yeah. So it's like, I bet we probably both have a bad voice. But when I leave the room.

I bet we probably both have a bad voice. When I leave the room. When I'm singing alone in my car, when I'm singing in my shower, I'm actually pretty good. I doubt it. I just think it sounds better for you because nobody's there listening to you. Yeah. Actually, speaking of songs, why don't we play another theme song somebody submitted?

All right. This is also from a Matthew. Okay. Let's hear it. Because if I were you, the show is starting. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing. And we are Amir and Jake. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. And our names go in no other order. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. We read the emails and try to answer the funniest questions. Yeah. That's right.

I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. And we are Amir and Jake. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. And our names go in no other order. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. We read the emails and try to answer the funniest questions. Yeah. That's about right. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. I am excited to share what I know. Jake Dadoc to other people's situations that they're probably never nothing about.

So why don't we get started? Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. See, the cheese.com. Is available. Holy shit. Pinch the pitch. Pinch money. Money.

It's would be an honor to find a genie so that I may grant you the other two wishes for I have but one It is to die and break a nest I am the gameboy and I have a game for you today Sir dude, maybe like a PB and J, cut the cross and I'm sick of it That's my land of number two That's good. It's really good actually. That got you the golden mic I won't give in the new bugatti mama Guy to nice

And liquid nice ABD Always be David The prank work videos were all fake They were not real That's a bit of a bum shot A sample of Amplex An example

Negative 2013 to the end of April of 2023 If I were you, sir Sometimes I wonder what it is that I see If I were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us Some great clips in there too That was a fucking at the end of Terminator 2 when he's like turning into every old bit as he's dying Yeah, there was some stuff that I'd forgotten about Raven nest Raven nest

To Raven nest Yes, exactly a house that was so beautiful that we were willing to kill ourselves to just die there Yes, it was Valhalla Yeah, Raven's nest Wow Which was a house on Einverness Yes, but we were afraid to we were afraid to shout it out because we thought there was a chance we could end up living there We didn't want to risk it

You know what's funny? We ended up living in a place that was not Oh wait, no, it was it was almost half as expensive as Raven nest Yeah, I mean Raven nest was like $10,000 It was 12 Yeah We were just like should we just pump everything into this rental It's good that we didn't because of the pool It was it was such a sick house

But yeah, we probably would have gone out of business, huh? Yeah, we wouldn't have been able to afford that house and a lifestyle plus a headgum company Yeah Yeah And we ended up with a really nice house, but there was no pool No pool, but it was a it was a mansion that we couldn't afford We had to spend some headgum money to like say like okay, it's also our business plus we live here Yeah, which was what we were planning on doing at Einverness to accept

It was then still been destitute even after we helped pay the rent I mean for the first year of headgum it was just our show and nine others trying to make enough money to justify Did we even have a salary then? Did we have like a low salary? We didn't have we didn't have a salary No, I think we because we were still working at College Humor We didn't take a salary, but maybe we like when when payments for our show came in we like could we paid ourselves out a little bit But we kept Yeah, I don't I don't remember when we like set up payroll it wasn't for a while

Yeah Because we didn't have any employees it was no and I don't think we got a salary I think we just always did like random payouts whenever we needed money Yeah, we had like a google sheet of income and outcome Yeah, I was almost thinking of because when we were talking about how to end the show I was like oh we could go you know Arab or year by year or something but I almost feel like it's better to just go where we were living by where we were living Yeah, that's the best way to like try to figure out where you were in the world like how it felt when we were in Williamsburg still recording this show I feel like a young like 19 year old even though I was almost 30

Yeah, but and I remember we would record we didn't really have a dedicated space because I had I was living in the loft on Wyeth You were living on Berry Street around the corner, right? We would set up the towel fort in your house and we had this like instead of a little zoom recorder we had this like big I asked Jeff Rubin like how to plug because the mics I thought would plug into the computer but they don't they plug into this giant thing that then plugs into my computer Right with the big a big-ass mixer Yeah, and like the mics were so like they looked cool, but they were like golden green like you you still needed a pop guard and a stand for them Yeah, they're really cumbersome they looked really cool. I think we got them because they looked cool Yeah, and and then I moved down down into that like weird house covered in Ivy

Yeah, and I remember like I was still partying and being so insane that like they were in New York Yeah, this is in New York. There were times when we would like you'd come over to record and I was like barely I was like all right, but we have to do it right here. I can't get up. Yeah, you were hungover so hungover We also didn't have ads for like the first six or twelve months, so like I thought we got ads like kind of quickly Yeah, I maybe not maybe not 12 months maybe was six months in but there were like times where we were like we got to get this done every Monday But we didn't really have any we owed any money or we had a company to keep it Yeah, I think it was good that we had Jake and Amir that came out every Tuesday because we were just used to delivering something on a deadline Yeah, and we still have we basically had that deadline since 2006 or seven

Yeah, there were some times that we recorded a lightning round Q&A on a Monday All right, just to keep the streak alive. Yeah, does the patreon count because that's that'll be the only weekly thing we have going now I feel like it we we release a weekly something. Yeah, we and we've done something weekly since 2008 I think the I think the patreon has to count it has to count. I think it counts. It definitely counts I mean, that's a video. It's it's more ambitious than a podcast though. This podcast is also a video Yeah, if you guys are listening right now, just know you can be watching and that's kind of goes for the last hundred episodes You can be watching Regrets

Have you had a few? Regrets Do you wish you could do anything differently? I don't think so I mean, it's hard to say I'm sure there were definitely times that I was like stressed I know there was a time I think right right before my wedding Headgum was struggling. Oh, yeah, I was not regretting the wedding but headgum headgum was struggling and we were like

We were cutting personal checks to the company to keep it afloat. Yeah and And I was like I we should have just kept our podcast separate because then we wouldn't have had to like Sacrifice. Yeah, we wouldn't have had to like have our ad income pay for the whole company We would have just been like just me and Amir off on our own But like weathering that storm and now having the bicoastal offices and all the employees I'm happy that I didn't listen to my regret. I guess I had doubts throughout But looking back now, I don't know if I have specific regrets about you. Yeah same like we In the beginning

Like buying the equipment and being so uncertain about like how to edit and how to do that Like it probably would have helped us to have a producer at one point because we were literally doing it all ourselves Not really a regret but usually shows of our like size or scope like would have somebody on the email box Like making sure that we're reading all the good emails or like yeah scheduling guests or scheduling ads or something like that And it took all the way to like two or maybe like three years ago that like we had like grim editing the show for us Like I was editing everything up until 2021. Yeah, that's crazy And now that we had gum is big enough to have like producers and engineers were stopping the show Now that we finally have help we're good

Yeah But yeah, maybe doing more video stuff earlier on but then that would have been more work Yeah, our microphones were pretty broken back in the day. That was not ideal We should have just splurged on these microphones from the get-go. Yeah. Yeah, I guess doing video podcasts earlier would have been good Yeah, how don't at the very least an intern on the email box. We were just like opening up the email box Yeah, we had we had your niece do an internship for like three or four weeks one summer She cleaned it out immediately. Yeah, we should have hired her on the spot Yeah, 12 year old helper slash engineer slash producer. Yeah

Yeah, I don't know everything was everything, you know led to us getting here But I'm sure there's a lot of things that we could have should have done differently back in the day Yeah, but I mean all the stuff we got to do like going to Australia going to London going to Amsterdam. Yeah having a weird show in Amsterdam. Yeah, that was awesome Yeah, that was almost the impetus for the show is be able to tour without paying college humor. Yeah, yeah Which is so funny this the idea just came from Andrew Russell our touring agents like you know, you know If as long as you're at college humor every live show is just gonna be them getting paid and you getting a small chunk of that money Right, so if you guys had your own thing they could we could just tour with that. Yeah

Yeah, and now we're selling out fucking Madison Square Garden. We're still in that but like still are still seeing that Yeah, Billy Joel is yeah, Billy Joel definitely is yeah, it's amazing Okay, what about the opposite of regrets things that you're proud slash impressed of us to do I mean I think the The Like going on the headgum company retreat with all of our employees when I see our employees hanging out with each other And I'm not around and I see them like making friendships and Enjoy it and being fulfilled by their lives and jobs. I'm really happy. I feel like that's

That was something that was so Meaningful and exciting to me when I was at college humor like that was where I was in my 20s met all of my best friends Who are like lifelong friends of mine, so thinking that we might be able to? Provide that for younger people. That's that's awesome. Yeah, I guess just the idea of taking our one podcast and turning it into headgum at the beginning Was this a bright idea and keeping the podcast consistent enough that we can Grow headgum from that and now it's cool because headgum is so big and so much bigger than us Yeah, that we can literally stop our show. Yeah, it's like this was the end

We were like we're it's kind of like having a child Yeah, it's like when it's an infant and it's a toddler's like it's relying on you so much and now it's like our network is going to camp Yeah, and now we're stopping the show and everyone's like what's that? Oh, yeah, sorry to hear that anyway We got more important things to deal with that small show isn't recording anymore That's fine really because we thought you guys would be devastated this no one wants to beg us to stay How will you guys stay afloat is all who are you again? I used to work here. I really used to work here Yeah, I mean, I guess that's that's something to be proud of Trying to think what else I was

Traveling and touring is also always something that I that's like a fun Meeting meeting people that listen to the show and like going to a cool new city and getting to perform in front of people Those are the highlights highlights for sure. Yeah And then I also was listening to old episodes Aside from the fact that we sound like we're 12 year olds on helium We're like recording on the road so much of our early recordings It's like hey, we're in Australia and we packed our bags and we packed our bikes and we packed our zoom and now I'm like recording in a hotel with Streeter. Yeah batch recording

We basically never batch recorded until I moved to New York and even still then we didn't always Batch recording is actually probably been more of something we've done since we started doing video Yeah, or maybe since Grimm started editing the show the producers and the engineers right because it's helpful for them to have The the footage in the audio more than not a day in advance I think it's it was hard to show how stressed we kind of were like at the beginning where I'm like I'm plugged in Can you hear me? I hope this is working So I'm like trying to be funny and host the show but also kind of scared that it's not recording or doing well Especially like I remember when we were recording with Allison in the hotel

Having to get up as I'm like, I don't think this is recording like I'm sorry, but did it would did not record like her microphone Wasn't working. Oh, it was like cutting in and out. I didn't know if it was the cable But we have no like I like to ask smart people why something is broken, right? We're in a hotel room. That's why it was so nice when we recorded at rec room for you, right? I was like, oh, this is great. Somebody else is in charge of making it sound nice. Yeah And now we have our own rec room. Isn't that crazy? We made it this far. Yeah All right, future. I guess The idea was to sort of talk about the past act one present act two future act three future act three well we have

We we have our variety show premiering at At bell house. Yeah, I believe in August the Jake and your family fuck fast. Yeah, well, I think that which is might be a headgum happy hour But still it'll be us testing out a format You know, we could also go full Brady family mode where it's like most of it is just us and our friends singing and dancing Yeah, that's great. Yeah, so we're just like disco style standing on a stage doing dances for everybody. That sounds great Yeah, I mean you can do that at the bell house and just not even have seats so everyone in the crowd is also dancing. Yeah, I Wonder that would be fun. Remember pre if I were you the live shows we did was were sketches. Yeah Yeah, like right in rehearse and we had to like get lines

We used to do so that was the College Humor live at UCB. There'd be like a host There'd be three comedians and then we would close with like a Jake and Amir sketch, right? And then we also went on tour with Streeter where you and I started the show We did like a 10-minute Jake and Amir Streeter did an act and then at the end we hosted Shameful trivia, right, which was kind of a podcast which was kind of a podcast, but yeah, they're That we used to have to Write and that we most of the time we would write something that was like oh Text chick and we're like reading text off of our phone. Yeah, because then that way we didn't have to

Remember lines, right or and then it would always end with some sort of Rattle, yeah, that's the rap that you sang at the end of those shows is in my head forever How did it start? Yo ho yo ho ho and a bottle of cum I can't keep on going That's probably right. Yeah, there's a play on the pie. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum But it was yo ho ho and a bottle of yo ho. Yo ho ho and a bottle of cum So it's like basically I lose myself in the music lose yourself like holy shit

You're we were having like a playful rap battle and you started talking about bottles of semen Yeah, I think I say I think I'm like the the idea is like we're gonna have a rap battle right now You start rapping at me, but it's like You're you're complimenting me or something and I say no you have to like insult me or you're saying oh and then you say Like go go in on me, you know, right and I think I like call you dumb or something I say you look like Harry Potter and then you don't don't nothing personal nothing personal nothing But I can't oh, yeah, and I say something about your glasses and Like you said nothing yet. You couldn't change you can't change your glasses. Why would I yeah?

This is perfect for the variety show It is the variety show and then you and then you say yo ho ho and a bottle of cum you go off It always got a huge applause because it's like it comes out of nowhere. Yeah, it comes out of nowhere. It's a full-ass rap It's very blue. I believe it ends with me standing ankle deep in semen It just turns into a not unlike the title I had for the show yeah Yeah, it turns in it literally turns into a Blumenfeld family fuck yeah And then and then it's like you lost yourself in the moment. Yeah, and then you say it's time to let it go It's time to start the show

Thank you Madison Square Garden But you're actually let's really put our hands together for one William Joe I Really can't fucking wrap my brain around which one of you is which damn it god damn it which one is this Thunder Road What are you are? What's what are you hopeful for for the future? An idea that's completely unrelated It's like thinking of a decade of Jake and Amir a decade of a podcast. What's our next decade? Yeah, what's our third thing? Our third act. Yeah, it's gotta be what is you what is your 40 to 50?

Yeah, exactly. It's like and then at that point we can't be doing comedy anymore right look at 50 year olds now Yeah, disgusting. It's all been kind of clean for you 20 to 30 30 to 40. Yeah ish. Yeah, hasn't it been like that for you? Yeah, yeah Every decade brings a different thing. Yeah, I just I'm my fear is when I started I was 20 when we started Jake and Amir I think yeah at a certain point. We just have to like transition to being like Lauren Michaels is where it's like I'm not making comedy anymore, but I'm just Overviewing and I have a sense of humor. That's like this is good Right, where's I we should have more of an opinion like right now when people walk in and they pitch us to podcast

That sounds awesome. Yeah. Yeah That's the problem is that we don't watch Comedy yeah, no we love succession. Yeah, which I guess is a comedy We're not watching sitcoms anymore. No, no, we're not and we're also not really listening to comedy podcasts And also kind of podcasts really are so personal that I if somebody came in like this is our idea for a show I wouldn't be like that's not funny. Yeah, it really depends on the human Yeah, it depends on the guy any but any show idea could be funny or could not be funny Right, and it all could find an audience or not, right? Yeah

Everything's kind of a coin toss right in the universe That's why we're not very good at being executives either so we really have to maximize this 40 to 50 We have an amazing executive team here though. Yeah, we rely on them heavily Yeah, but that that could be our the live show version is like the the South Park guys who did South Park like when they were young And then transition to like Book Mormon. I do think I I guess that's like the next thing for us is live stuff because it's like Video audio, what is what's there after that? Yeah, it's it's IRL But what's more exciting? Is it writing something and seeing it on stage whenever you want to or is it writing something and being in the thing on stage? Yeah, I mean

They're both pretty exciting. I guess I get a I get a good kick out of Doing our live shows. Yeah, so But then not every every time. Yeah. Yeah, it'd be nice to have understudies that did it 95% of the time I would fucking love I mean really what we what we need to do is write our play. That's Musical yeah where we're not in it, but we're like almost the narrators of it. Yeah, exactly and then you can If we're the narrators of it, you could just hit a soundboard At our voices. We're barely we're voice of God. Yeah, exactly. It's really good And then but we'll go to every show for the curtain so we can come out

Yeah, we want to just sort of quality control the show make sure that everything's running on time But that is a certain point if we're not feeling up for it It's hard to like get get yourself going on a Tuesday in February. Yeah, exactly Let the understudies do the show and I actually don't even want to write the show I want the understudy to write the show too. Yes, exactly. Yes. I want to just oversee slash not even fun I just want a piece of ticket sales right concessions. I want to create an app that sells tickets So it's not even I want to work for ticket master Yeah, and we did almost used to work at ticket master because IAC owned ticket master and

Call shimmer right. So yeah, we went to the same building. Yes, and maybe that's why it's fucking inceptioned us to think this way. Yeah All right, let's take another break Thanks for sponsors come back and Talk a little bit more. Okay Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business But with stamps.com all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it

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No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you and that gets you a free Four-week trial free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show Thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast You know aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire head gum network jake. Wow, that's correct I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is Yeah, yeah, not just father's day But if for any uh, not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon

These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah for me personally these things are perfect I'll tell you why as you know, I am expecting. Yeah, uh my first child We got one for jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys Uh in our family right now, but they are They're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah frame

This is actually how we how we told jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame We plugged it in jill's grandma was pregnant. Ha ha really nice asshole This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit like uh, this is how I told my grandma. She was pregnant Yeah, yeah kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way By the way jill's jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes and we let her know with an aura. Yeah Thank you the aura announcement

Uh, so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah Yeah, exactly you deserve that you can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display As soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame Yeah, it's a great gift a really really iconic gift and right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames That's a u r a frames dot com

And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to 30 dollars off plus free shipping on the best selling frames There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely the deal ends on june 18th. So don't wait terms and conditions apply That's aura frames a u r a frames dot com. Okay, go get your parents something All right, and use the code head gum for 30 dollars off plus free shipping right on Thank you, aura and now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to And we're back. We asked the people what they wanted Yeah, I was just gonna introduce you for a second Let me just uh

Yeah, so anyway, I was gonna say we asked can you not interrupt it? My two boys fully grown up And a lot of people said they wanted to see yeah try not to interrupt He's singing my two friends Yeah, no more Then a lot of people wanted to Yes, don't talk over him

It got bad It got bad Respect that so we were a little conflicted as to whether or not to have been on here just because he's such a Part of the fabric of the show, but like A little interrupting Yes Ben Schwartz in the house, let's go Very boy The last if I were you it feels just like the first one almost the same amount of people listening almost the same amount of people caring

Plateau'd wonder was my flies open. No, I said we plateaued We plateaued, but can I tell you this? Yeah, I'm exciting What number is this? What number uh 590 590 590. Oh, you should have done 600. Why would I was thinking the same thing You think so should we fart out another 10 spot while we're here? I think you gotta hit 600 if we're not hitting 600. What are we even doing? Do you know what I mean? My man jakey bakey. My name amir babir What do you guys think you're gonna do after this you've you've hit the pinnacle you've hit 590 the number everybody's trying to hope Yeah, now what do you know 590 was the goal going into it. We said 10 years ago when you're first on the the show

We want to get to 590. We did that. Yeah Now what do you do after you achieve your goals? Do we set new ones or do we rest? Do we reset? We've been talking about a live show a variety show. What do you think about that? Oh, I love that idea you guys but you've done versions of that in the past versions of it versions of versions But we haven't done a full when you do a live stream you would live stream your life No, you have to if you want to see us now you have to see us at a theater. That's right. We're we're offline We're going vaudeville 1917 style how small how small of a theater like 34 Actually discussing and he made a good case that we would be able to kiss jennifer aniston at the msg theater

If we opened for by the way, excuse me I didn't I didn't lead with the jennifer aniston kiss. I said I said msg theater not not the arena Obviously, yeah, you you brought up kissing aniston. I thought that came up organically between between us in the it was not organic You really how would you kiss aniston? Is it a quick peck because you guys are friends that it's something on the cheek? She's visiting a bruce or a billy in the green room, and I'm there having had shrimp And then she says hello to me and I say and hello, right? And it's weird if he doesn't and you're waiting for jenn aniston You want to pretend like you guys run in the same circles. You can't be like, oh my god, miss aniston

You have to say oh you have to say jenn. It's so good to see you kiss on the on the cheek kiss on the other cheek Yeah, kind of european style and this is a mirror. This is This is tails no meat when you're talking shrimp, right? You just shrimp tails no me Yes, exactly just the little tip the crispy tips, right? So you're eating You're eating the exoskeleton of the shrimp. Yeah, we're a krill any basically mollusk dipping your your fingers two fingers at a time Into the cocktail sauce putting it on your teeth. Yeah, like that's what you see jenn That's when I see jenn comes up to you. You're all crispy tips. Oops all tips crispy tips We could do a double smooch

Yeah, we'll do a double smooch But yeah to answer your question a live show Plus a potential at a theater run if billy joe will have us otherwise probably a 200 to 500 cedar Once every month or two depending on how much we can get out there on the road. We're thinking bell. Why don't you make? Why don't you do why don't you do? Oh, okay. I was gonna say why don't you do a monthly largo show at largo? We can make that. Yeah, you do that How big is largo? 270 great. Yeah, I love that

The problem is we don't have we don't have uh, so you do the improv stuff. We don't really have the ability We don't have the talent. We don't like the uh, the the we don't have anything to say on stage. You said it talent. You said it Yeah, you said it talent But but so what so this is what I think if I could make oh god and and I'm gonna pitch some ideas for you guys Like what do two people who've been working together since they've been I mean graduated college all they know is each other So how could they possibly grow up and be anything but you know a team? What could they do together? I'll give you some ideas and you give me one through 10 and tell me what you would do with that business

Great. Okay, and one through 10 is us grading your idea or like 10 out of 10 must do it. You You got to do it. Okay hot dog salesman two obviously little I'm interested because I like hot dogs I did have an idea for a core dog truck where you can sort of mix and match the sausages with the batter But I don't think that should be our next career move Let's give that a six then because I like hot dogs and you had the idea already so let's Say six six. What about what about a what about a podcast called if you were I okay? What's that show about? It's basically you send in questions to your fans and your fans answer them on the podcast

Yeah, I'm not I'm not eager to do another podcast, but I do like the hot dog thing I'm gonna say the hot dog thing is going up to a seven hot dog thing We're already it's gone from a five to a six to a seven in my mind. I feel like the hot dog thing was fine We discussed it, but let's move on and discuss what what could be the Well, what are we moving on you've given it the same number as a hit podcast So what are you you're giving it the same two is the other one? Just because your Lakers barely eat out of w the other day doesn't mean you can cry every minute you talk I don't hate the I don't hate hot dogs. I know you like hot dogs, but we've already discussed the hot dog thing

We'll take it under but what about this? What if jake what if jake cooked the hot dogs and you ate the hot dogs, but you weren't allowed to use your It doesn't matter if it's a hot dog or a hot dog eating contest or a hot dog salesman I didn't realize the truck could have a hot dog eating contest element, which is kind of interesting I'm gonna say that's gone to an eight in my head. It does. What if there is a show? What if there's a show where a mirror had to wear the tightest pants and the loosest shirts And we call it here he goes again And what he does is he put him on and he walks down the street

And jake has to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, who's this guy? And like try to draw attention to him to see if he can like sell new styles. What do we do? That's fun. I what would be what would people be eating at the craft service table as we're like as we're shooting that because This is a this is a blind pitch, but maybe I don't hate that. You guys love fucking hot dogs The those show idea was that even a show or you just want me to walk down the street? Who's this guy? Is that what it was? Who's this guy? Is that a podcast? That's right. Who's this guy? Yeah, you're wearing jeggings in a nightgown. Is this video? Is this for video? You're just saying I walk down the street wearing a certain style

It's whatever you want it to be honestly I just need you to walk down that street with tight pants on a loose shirt What are the what's on the feet? Is that like a like a jelly sandal type thing? It's a pair of shorts. He's wearing a pair of shorts on his feet It's interesting to me if there's a hot dog element quiet. It doesn't matter. What are you guys? Let's let's be real. Can we be real for a second? What do you what will you miss about this? Will you guys not be able to see each other as much now that you're not doing this? No, I think I'll miss the feed I think I think we'll talk to each other just as much

I feel like I'll just miss the feedback from the fans because like they're the ones that are going to be missing out They're the ones who're not going to be able to see so give me your email. Give me your email Give me your email now, and they'll be able to tell you whatever you want. They can give you feedback for the rest of your life Should we say your email? I know it your personal email. I know it too. I emailed you just like two minutes ago It doesn't matter. Why don't we shout out his email? Okay, big top small bot at gmail.hotdogboy.al.net Yum yum yum eat up those doggies at Honestly, what we're most excited about is being offline

It seems like is the idea of a live show where we don't have to deal with the production elements of recording and distribution It's like you if you want to see us. You have to see an IRL. I'm off twitter. I'm off instagram podcast. I'm just in a live fucking theater You own a podcast network. You said the thing I'm trying not to deal with is the thing that your job Yeah, that's true, and it's sort of we contain multitudes that way. What about jake and amir colon IRL IRL jake and tRL, but it's I would be jna IRL JRL jRL. Yes gyro. Yes, exactly. And to see us you have to you have to see it to believe it. What's the funniest thing? What's the funniest thing that's happened on this show today's episode? Can you remember both of you guys without without looking at the other thing?

What's the where you're like? Oh my god. This made me laugh harder than any we've done 590 episodes This is the moment that made me laugh harder than anything else or do all the moments mesh into each other so much that you don't care about anything Laughing so hard that we cried. We've definitely done that But I don't remember what it was. Yeah I haven't Laughed genuinely on this show since 2014. I'm trying to remember when the last time that we also laughed so hard You just left two seconds when I said you're a little boy that wants to see dogs performative

I wonder if like maybe like in the old old old episodes Like one of the bits or I guess when you when you did your freestyle rap from when you were like 12 Oh, yeah, my dad's a gyno. You're right. I know I was laughing really hard But that was recent and I don't know if that's like the hardest I ever laughed during the show I've like thrown up from laughing during this show. Yeah, there was a point where like you were Drinking something you thought you were gonna puke. Yeah, like I couldn't remember what that was I haven't smiled genuinely on this program since probably the first 10 episodes. Yeah, right But you're going through your own shit. Yes, you're going through. It's a really dark time

Yeah, since 2013 since late 2013 until 2023. Yeah It's been a hard decade It's been a crazy decade my thirties my entire thirties was was was was was it was and it was on the show And now it's over now. I'm 40 in the show your entire 20s We were Jake also you guys have spent 20 years since I've known both of you you spend every minute of your life For each other, so it's got to be a little bit heartbreaking for this aspect to end Well, yeah, I mean I didn't really think of it that way. Um, Jake Is there anything you want to say to me? Um

I uh, I I've I've regretted I've regretted me to do you man I regretted meeting you man Yeah, what I've I've regretted meeting you dude. Your life would be completely better. I'm here. Don't interrupt him. Don't interrupt him Keep going Jake. I think it's gonna helpful. You're not a fucking therapist. I'm just saying if I had this is why I'm here Hitched myself to any other wagon with all the people of college humor Dengar which multiple emmy winner straighter side out head writer snr sarah schneider sold her own show

Um, I'm just saying it feels like if I had chosen another riding partner I would have had a little more success. I had it has been fun It has been really fun has it because he's not not the entire time because every time when I When I look in the rear view mirror, I'm full of regret But at the same time Yeah At the same time, I do want to say that you've weighed me down professionally and comedically But all that being said bombshell by the way to hear and I want to say all that being at the end of 20 years

At the end of the day stop Amir. Amir stop. This is why you're so bad at the end of the day all that being said I do regret You that's yeah, that wasn't a turn. It wasn't like although however, but it was like in addition to that now I just don't want to hear Now listen, so basically what jake is saying. I know what he's saying. It was so blunt You've ruined his life. Well, it's ruined my my life. My life in career My career and life are intertwined and but what he's saying is but but He regrets working. That's yeah, so I think the big thing takeaway here is that he doesn't know what butt means because it should have been end

Okay, do you have anything you want to say to jake? Yeah, I thought I was gonna have like an awesome time and like to have like a fun like retro Spectacus about this entire fucking like two decades together building up to this one moment deciding what we should do in the not too distant future together But now ever since you came on the energy has completely shifted to the point where I feel like Everything I've known for the past 20 years is not I feel like the hot dog thing has legs Hot dog thing is such a small Such a small part of what we heard because like since the hot dog thing jake has basically admitted to not liking me and regretting meeting me

Not regretting meeting you regretting working. That was 18 years ago working. Yeah Yeah, he doesn't regret meeting you because he's met so many people in his life, but regret hitching his ride Yes, deciding to be partners So the idea of the hot dog thing Is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things now. I don't know But I think this is the problem. I think you don't listen totally mirror. Yeah, if you listen to her you could hear the positive You could hear the positive would not be at the end because he said but and then he repeated himself

But yeah, but no, he said but He said but you've weighed me down my entire right if I went with anybody else That's also what he said before the but but but all that aside all that aside. Yeah, I do regret. Yeah, you're right being a part of me Exactly Exactly you regret it at the end of the day. I regret it. What do you want me to say? I don't want you to do you want him to lie I guess I regret him lying for the last 18 years for sure because I had no idea this was coming

This is a bombshell to shake his hand shake his hand Jake his hand. Jake. What does that mean to shake it? It's a shake, but you'll see when he how would you shake it? That's a jake. Yeah, I've never felt that before Have you jaked his hand before? What's your first time you're ever actually seeing jake for the first time because he's being an agent of chaos You sewed an entire decades worth of discord in the last nine minutes of being on the show. What's your name by the way? Me I got a very normal go ahead and introduce yourself Why would I have to introduce it? It's like saying if my name was just a nor it's a normal name

I don't have to say sure. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Just you know casually mention it. What do you want? You want the first one or the second one? Yeah, you can do both like in one your first one your second You're you mean your last name your full name. Yeah, just your full name Both of them are normal. So it doesn't even matter. Just imagine anybody's normal name Like a bob johnson exactly or aron thompson. Yeah or something like very similar to those two, but it's like mine It's your mine. Yeah, so feel free to so we don't even have to get into it We got even people that have normal names would say then what prompted I and we should introduce you So like it's important for us to say what your name is. Yeah. All right, then just introduce me. Yeah

Do you know I thought I did but it sounds like you're Yeah, it's just a completely bizarre name by the fact that you're refusing to even say I'm sorry. Are you talking about my name? You don't know my name is so we're we're jake and amir and here and we're here with You would say it then you would say it then when I when I point to you. Yeah. Oh point to me. Sorry. I didn't even know We are jake and amir. We are here with Lazarus Sherp pant. Huh? Lazarus. Lazarus. Sure pant. Sure pant. Pleasure to meet you. Lazarus. Sure. You set that up as the most normal name

But those two things were I've never heard those noises before sure pant. What do you tell about Lazarus? Sure? Lazarus sure pant. First name Lazarus The whole first name is Lazarus. So there's a glass thing in addition to all that You asked you want Lazarus sure pant is my first name. Lazarus sure pant. Yeah. Well, do you want to know my last name? It's even more normal than the first name. I really hope so because that's insane Lazarus sure pant It has to be more normal than your first name. What's your last name? By the way, you did say you had a normal first and last name. So Yeah, so we're good. Do we even need to get to it?

I'm curious what it is now because I thought I was expecting a sam or a shan and I heard Lazarus sure pant. That's exactly what it is That's exactly what it is. It sounds like he gave you very similar. It's very similar to sam or shan. Well, that's the last name. Lazarus sure pant Charbalit cramp hyphenated Yes, yes, and your dad was one of them. Your mom was the other. How is that similar to shan? No, that's the first half than a hyphen. Charbalit cramp hyphen doorknob So I'm sorry Lazarus cramps Lazarus sure pant first name last name

cramp cran Cran something I already forgot honestly doorknob doorknob. Yeah, crandalin crandalin doorknob Yeah This has got to be your 20th appearance on our show. Never heard that name before in my entire life Maybe ask more questions. Check out his IMDb. Check out his IMDb Holy shit. He changed it. Lazarus sure pants Crandallin doorknob is going to be on fucking Renfield. How dope is that? Wait, so when when when will I ever be able to do bits with you guys again in a public manner?

I guess it's over. Well, you'll come to our our live show. You'll be a part of our never. I literally would never come to your live show What am I gonna do with your life cell hot dogs? All right I'm sad this makes me sad guys. It means that Jake probably won't be in LA as much either. I'll still be in LA a lot Well, maybe less. Maybe less. Yeah. I bet way less I'll see you sometime man I guess I can do with you. And what about you, Amir? Does that just leave you by yourself? Well, I got I evolved my other

the All the other shit that I'm working on Yeah, I'm working on Jake has the Dungeons and Dragons show Yeah, it's hugely popular. He's touring like different countries. I'm trying to do a comic book thing next year Graphic you're drawing a comic book. No, I don't know how to draw, but I'm thinking of graphic novel ideas for you Trying to do one next year. I'm trying to think of ideas for a graphic novel next year All right. What's an idea? We can tell you if you're on the right path

Well, it's kind of ironic. So I don't know if you like like dark ironic themes. I love dark stuff. Yeah Yeah, so it's like A kid who's turning into a boy like a bar mitzvah style man Or transition a kid coming up a boy kid who's turning into a boy That's not what a bar mitzvah and then finally bar mitzvah is a boy turning into a man, right? That's not it. That's not a bad idea and then a kid turning into a boy is A kid turning into a boy is the same thing, right? So the entire thing is sort of an allegory for a bar mitzvah

So you have to read from the Torah in order to become a man or in my case is a religious text. What's that? You're it has religious overtones and then it takes place in like a fictionalized Chicago Okay, so it's kind of like a bar mitzvah meets Chicago style not with music because When it comes to graphic novels, it has to be like very visual and not like you can't hear I wonder what you're going to look like in two years in my head. It's terrible. I think you're going to look terrible in two years I think this is going to be a big moment in your life where you just crash I don't feel like I made that. Thanks for saying that Ben. Why?

Of course. I just think his insight is useful. It's helpful to hear things. It's helpful to you know, that's that's some really nice Ben insight, which I which I think is valuable and that's something that I'll really miss How is the dungeons and dragons podcast? I thought it was as big as it could possibly get but it keeps on growing. It's so It's exciting. That's really thrilling. Um, just got back from Australia. So basically this child this tour for next year Yeah, this tweenager this 12 year old Uh, this child this kid boy. Yes, this kid boy, which is the name of the show So we're sorry graphic you say there's going to be Torah text in the graphic novel in the background So like they're going to be like little imagery like oh my god. Is that a fucking?

Wallpaper or is it my Torah portion style graphic art and then Ben do you remember from your bar mitzvah? You have you can't touch the Torah. You have to use a Yad like yeah You have to use it. Yes exactly. So that pointer thing is his actual hand that Yad, which means hand or arm in Hebrew Is his Yad is his hand Well, thanks so much for having of course. Thank you so much for coming by. I'm so good to see you back And uh, if you have anything to look whether it's Renfield your radio city music hall show a lot of exciting things come out I do actually can we so i'm going on tour bench forts and friends my improv show is going on tour We're playing radio city music hall in new york a 6000 person venue the first law and form improviser ever to do that

I think first improviser ever to headline that holy shit, but also we're coming to toronto. We're coming to england You go to rejectedjokes.com and all those dates are there. It's very very exciting. I have a full tour It's not about plugging. I don't want to plug. This isn't about it's not about you. It's about this is about saying goodbye To two of my close friends Saying goodbye to their friendship Saying goodbye to their creative opportunities. I think we'll still be together saying goodbye to a mere's career Like i'm it's the end of a career and it's an exciting moment for me I think i'm excited by it because I don't feel like I have this thing that's like

You're talking so fast. It's fun to celebrate so fast. I feel like the The the jewish comic thing you have going is it's not just jewish But yeah, I can understand where you are coming from because you sort of cut me off in the middle of the description But it is it doesn't compass an entire coming of age sort of theme So it's not just about the yacht and it's not just about the jewish kid boy is kind of interesting really jewish kid boy I like to stick my teeth into something like yeah, and I think you should and I think you should and thank you ben for coming on for Damn, oh my this is an honor of mine. I would never miss the last one. I was here for number 100 I think I was here for number 500. Yeah, how many times do you think I've been on this show?

I'd probably drop by more than a couple times I've seen the live shows and the show that you combine the shows that you've interrupted There's one there was an episode where it was just me and you remember Oh, where was that? Yeah, you were sick. Remember we went to my we went to my little room in my apartment And you were too sick. Yeah, you faced before everybody got covid right and you were you were so like attuned to get not getting sick That you actually faced away from me during the show Did you get sick after this people said jake was one of the best shows. Yeah, I think I did yeah Because because Amir said Amir literally licked his finger and put his finger in my gums. Yeah, and said gumball art

Yeah, that was like a thing. That was before we were recording video. So we didn't really get to see that Yeah, we didn't even need to see it. Yeah, that is a lost episode. It must still be online We can listen to her today for sure. Actually, let's listen to her. How long have we been doing this 10 years? How long have we been friends? Do you think we met in 2004? No, 2007 2007. Yeah, I think 2007 2007 so 17 years 18 years 17 years 18 years 16 years Even no matter what number is the right one. It's a lot. It's a lot Yeah, because new friends become old over time, which is sort of brings me back to jewish kid boy And I think yeah, he's out which is fine. It actually makes sense for him to leave like that

Because he doesn't he didn't want to hear any spoilers. Yeah, it was sad for him to be like Like now he wants to have it in his imagination how it could possibly go and he didn't want to hear that is the way It should have ended it should have ended in that way and that was that was Ben Schwartz everybody. Thanks, Ben I guess we could take these off. Okay. That's it. Um, we have nothing else to discuss nothing else to say We've uh waxed and waned philosophical. We've reminisced We've listened to theme songs. Did I even say who did the second theme song that we listened to? I don't think you did. Uh, it was Matthew Pope another Matthew He wanted to shout out his friends will Lawson Lewis Cochran and especially andrew lavis who got me into the show

Wow, all right. Looking forward to whatever's left next Whatever's left. Whatever's left. What's next is whatever is left? I mean, we have to keep people abreast keep people posted. I wish we had uh Yeah, there's no announcement newsletter. Right. Oh, yeah, actually Do we we had one at one point? Yeah. Yeah, I think we handed it off to headgum I guess all you can do is just stay subscribed to this feed because that's that's where we'll maybe we could just drop some like You know two minute conversations where we are ideating or something. Yeah announced many announcements. Yeah many announcements or updates Yeah, exactly. That'd be kind of nice. Yeah, that way people are kept abreast

We can call our new feed follow-up pub or we'll just kind of mention any any um progress on your graphic novel Yeah, little leaks on our patreon of pages that are sort of been kicked around with the graphic You can follow we have the socials for uh, jake and amir now, which is kind of nice. Yeah, we own them Yeah, there are nice to own if it's nice to own jake and amir again while this is all ending So at the very least follow at jake and amir on stuff I will say I tried to post something to our facebook page recently and they're like We need to verify your address and send you a letter and then you can punch in the let code that we give you and I was I didn't even send you a letter in the mail. Yeah, they need to like verify a physical address

So our facebook is gone. Our facebook is not. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, that's fine. That feels fine It's okay to let that part of us go. Yeah, because we're still on tiktok. We're still on the tweets We're still on the grams exactly and you guys are still here and supporting us Um, we will never check this email address this gmail address Close for business. Um, we should say thank you to everybody. We should say thank you. I think that the that's a good call I remember it was scary when we started the podcast because I was like are is anybody gonna give a shit about what we have to say because they like jake and amir videos This is us out of character. Yeah, we've never been out of character before and I think it was uh, very fun

and very rewarding to like connect with people as essentially as ourselves So thank you everybody for letting, you know Allowing this the this whole thing to work and even more so to the day ones as always If you've been with us since day one respect the respect you even more the new fans Uh-huh. Yeah, we actually compared to you the new fans suck. Yeah new fans fuck off mute it for a second. Yeah, but y'all are trying Y'all are trying All right, turn it back on. Thank you everybody. Thank you everybody. Yeah, and thanks to you guys for sending in themed songs and

Questions for a decade straight. Mm-hmm. Actually the theme song might be the best part of the show Yeah, people put a lot of effort into the theme songs and it shows and we we never had to repeat We had enough talented fans to go 590 episodes sometimes Too per and we sometimes forget to even shout you out and thank you and you still keep on making up the theme songs One more time. That's matthew pope earlier and matt. There was another mat matthew kazakos Yeah, and his brother. Uh, we wanted to end on a fun high punk rock note So I found a fun punk rock theme song to close this out. That is by dustin. Let me see. Oh, yeah

Speaking of punk rock, um, I believe fade on shuffle. We just released a new one. There's a new fade on shuffle song It's a cover. It's a cover of hercules. I can go the distance. I can go the distance So check it out. So when you say we because that's you just do the writing that one's already written So what did you do for that one? So I'm kind of like the front man of the band You're not singing it not at this stage. I'm not singing that song. So it is a cover And somebody has to I mean like any good pop punk band. They'll have their originals and they'll have a cover Um, somebody has to have an idea for what to cover. Was that your idea in this case? That was gareth's idea in addition. Yeah to cover that song specifically that song specifically

But I said I when he said that idea he goes like I was Not immediately. I kind of was like, are you sure we should do that? I mean, he did it anyway. I heard it I loved it. So I do like the song. It's a great song. I I haven't heard the The pop punk cover, but I do like that. We're gonna have to lean on gareth heavily when we start making our own music Yeah, lean on gareth and lean on this guy dustin clark. It would be an honor to be played on the last episode of a fire you So here we go I've made half a dozen theme songs for you over the years the post-election one other side of hard country They've all been original tunes nothing to shout out except for the awesome community of jake and amir fans out there

All of which are funnier than the show ever was. Yes, agreed. We don't disagree. Yeah So let's have dustin play us out before we go. Yeah Last last episode last award Wait, no, I think I earned the golden mic on this one So I want to say thank you to everybody for this Unprecedented unprecedented. Excuse me. I'm so excited unprecedented run. Why did you shake? Why did you want to shake my hand? Why'd you want to hold my are you not proud of me? 500 and fucking 90 golden mics. That's a pretty big deal. I don't want

I'm not gonna I'm not gonna let anger seep into this. You let me go. You're holding me so firm. This is pretty exciting This is pretty exciting and unprecedented. Let's let's not let a petty grievance Let's not let a petty grievance So discord among us to ruin this last episode this final moment because you do get the turdy and I think that's pretty neat I think that's pretty neat. Why do I get too unprecedented runs? You derailed the whole bend conversation with your little jewish kid boy thing It was weird. It was weird. Um, so I want to say I'm cheese chuffed honored to be here You're

Holding me on your hands are so slippery and it's like you're holding tight Crab claws. Yeah, we're fucking back. We're back the pinch. Holy shit So we did it the entire run the entire run had golden mics for you and turdy's Turdy's for me. Um I can give you a sympathy golden mic. That'd be incredible. Do you want one? Yeah? Yeah, okay? You get a sympathy golden mic It's the same as the golden mic It's sympathy is just describing the golden mic that I've won. It's not a separate award, right? It's not it is a golden mic

It's a golden mic You are gonna end this show with your first ever this one the one that you're holding sympathy golden mics a little different It's a sympathy golden mic. It's kind of a rose gold You're saying you've won 500 golden mics I've won 500 turdy's and I have one rose gold mic one rose gold bronze mic golden mic I mean, I'll fucking take it nice man. Congrats. Thanks to you guys. We'll be back in a year or five In any way It's hard to change a point of view

You know, we never wanted to Don't have to grow up, but you can't stay here Cause I would if I could do this forever If I were you, I'm sorry You won't be next to me tomorrow If I were you, I know now that somehow we'll be together If I were you, so be here with me until it's over If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you I'll tell you what I would do If only I were you

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