If I Were You - 59: Preach

Episode Date: February 6, 2014

In this BONUS THURSDAY episode we discuss whether or not books make for good gifts, and also anal sex.This episode is brought to you by NiceLaundry.com -- high quality socks, for very low prices. Do us a favor and check 'em out -- http://bit.ly/NLJakeAmirSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, you got a problem or you made a big mistake If I were you, you got your questions to a mirror and shake If I were you, their dope advice, it really is the bomb If I were you, if I were you, show at gmail.com If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you The show starts now Toe da, baby That's throwback

Throwback to your first theme song that you wrote The original theme song Yeah, 58 episodes ago 58 episodes ago The best song and not one intro has topped it yet But I love that everybody's out there still trying Preach Preach what?

I like saying preach after I finish talking so it feels like someone else said it So you're not even disguising your voice, you're just saying preach No, no, yeah, you just say preach So you finish a sentence whether it's professional Jake Hurwitz, Jake Hurwitz, that dude's the man, preach Like shit, like everybody agrees with that But nobody agreed, it's just you saying preach Well, if you yell preach then other people are like, whoa, that guy's right, I agree

I would say that's not true, preach How dare you Nobody yelled preach, that was you, everyone saw it Preach So this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and you I'm Amir And I'm Jake Preach

I realize you didn't say that at the live show Oh, really? Yeah, I think that's one of the only episodes you didn't say it, unless I was just drunk Which is also true That I was drunk Yeah I don't know Can you imagine doing a live show sober at this point?

I can imagine doing one of our college shows like The Jake and Amir Yeah, I also had a live podcast Oh no, I would be way too nervous So it's just a nerves thing Yeah, I need to get drunk so I can go out there and be loose and talk otherwise But you're not drunk when we'd record the regular podcast, this one Yeah, well this time I'm not in front of any people, so it's easy for me to be open and honest But in a room full of strangers, it's really hard for me to be honest

Right, you have to have that social lubricant It's kind of like going out to a bar in general It's hard to be sober while everyone else is talking to everyone Right, exactly It's hard to approach people when you're stone sober What we're saying is it's better to be drunk Always If you want to be sociable, if you want to be funny and good, you need to be drunk

And bad And then when you're too drunk, you become way worse Oh man, remember how funny it was before when we were in the green room And we were getting ready for the show and we were listening We were like pulling whiskey from the bottle, listening to ASAP Rocky And like jumping around and dancing like two excited little school boys Just like getting fucking amped for the show Like we're gonna do this, alright, come on, it's Twig and Whiskey, Twig and Whiskey

Oh wow, for the night, jumping around All of a sudden the stage manager at UCB is just standing in the corner like Hey, are you guys ready to go out? Yeah, I know It was the saddest thing I've ever felt a part of We already feel a little out of place at UCB because it's a place that's just like Filled with a history of rich performers and doing like comedy for the stage And we're not entirely that, so we already feel a little bit out of place

We're back there desecrating the green room, the sacred place We're drinking whiskey so we can answer questions about pooping and anal sex On our podcast in front of everybody That's right But you know what, it turned out alright I think so Yeah, but you don't remember any of it I blacked out

My daddy listened to it Alright, when you called him a bitch I don't even really remember that because I got an email from my dad this morning And he signed it with love, the little bitch in your eyes And I was like, did I call my dad a bitch on the podcast? I was so drunk, what happened? Did I call my dad a bitch in front of 50,000 people? Instead of being mortified, I was just, my heart was warmed and he listened to it

Yeah, and it is nice that he didn't take offense to it Yeah, it was a, it was a, we winked at each other this morning through the email It's nice Winky, hi daddy And your way of winking is calling him a little bitch and him acknowledging it Yes And it's funny because it came on the tail end of a really intellectual, thoughtful response about taxes Oh yeah, my dad sent us a taxi

In order to break down your LLC income vis-a-vis your 1099s and W4s, you need to make sure that blah blah blah Love the little bitch in your eyes And then below that, any legal advice given in this document like the signature of his law firm Which he doesn't have on most of his emails, he just had to give them to you Yeah, I did it, yeah Alright, so how does this podcast work? We did this on the live one, how does it work? How does it work, yes

We have an email address, if I were you, show at gmail.com And people who find themselves in difficult places in their lives A need of advice will email us and we'll do our best to advise them out of their sticky situations These emails are all real, we can't stress that enough, these are real emails from real people We just give them fake names to, you know, preserve their anonymity It's great, what do you do? You just looked at me when you're done, you're like a little kid Oh my god, you're like, hey dad, did you catch my soccer game?

You're like a dog who brought a squirrel to the door Look, look, I got this for you Do you approve of me? So do you? Yeah, I think that was great, I think, I won't say anything I won't say anything For the rest of the podcast? I think yeah, I think you did a real bang up job on that one, Blumenfeld

Thank you Let's get into it I appreciate it Alright, first question, do you have a fake name for this person? We don't have a theme, huh? Could be anything Okay, a Hulk Hogan Oh, thank you

So themes are names with first and last initials are the same Exactly Very nice Very nice, very Todai Hulk himself writes, what's Hulk Hogan's real name? Um, I think it's like Terry something Terry Richardson? No, that's a photographer Terry Hogan writes

Hey dudes, my girlfriend's been hinting that she thinks anal sex is really hot and she's coming to visit me at a state Her problem is I'm a pretty vanilla guy who's thinking about breaking up with her anyways She's coming in two weeks and I don't want to have her come down here just to get denied or broken up with She's awesome in every way except her sex drive I've only ever kissed five girls, all of whom I was dating and she told me she's blown 18 dudes Her suggesting anal is pushing me even further away from her How do I tell her how I feel without ending things or having to make an awkward conversation

and with her being mad at me for the five days that she's staying here Thanks guys Terry Hulk Hogan Hulk Hulkamania brother Mr. Hogan Sir Hogan's heroes

This is the opposite problem of what most guys have Where they want to have anal sex Yeah, and they don't know how to broach it with their lady Right Meanwhile in the universe there's this guy whose girlfriend's blown 18 dudes wants to get F'd in the B And he's And he's just not feeling it, not having it I feel like we should just comb our email for people who had the exact opposite problem

Who want to bone people in the ass Yeah, and set matchmakers up I think it's, it feels like also there's two separate problems One being that he, I mean whether she wants to have anal sex or not That's sort of like a decoration on this package right here The whole thing is that her sex drive turns him off and he wants to break up with her But she's like pumped about this visit I feel like this anal thing is so

It's just this weird added sad twist Yeah, she's like I'm gonna go with him in Pennsylvania and I use the fuck me in the ass And I'm just so ready I just, ooh And he's just like, oh no I don't want it Dean might be

And he's like, hey I want to break up She's like, oh that's not how I thought this was gonna go I thought you were gonna fuck me in the ass physically And now you're doing it metaphorically I feel fucking, I just got railed by this information Not in a hot way either You fucked me in the ass with your desire to not be with me I wanted some chocolate love

But you're such a fucking vanilla guy that we can never get the swirl happening Yeah, ice cream aside and you do need to leave my dorm room So? Why doesn't he fuck her in the ass? I don't know, some people are afraid of anal sex I would say I'm afraid of it You fear it? Yeah, because it's dirty

And it seems painful To who does it seem painful? Uh, the girl whose B you're effing You can say butt on the podcast You can actually say fuck on the podcast too We're actually talking about anal sex So regardless of how much you're censoring yourself So you're afraid that you fucking the girl in the ass hurts her ass

Yes I do, I appreciate that I know that anal sex is a tight squeeze Right, and there is pain involved in it In the research that I've done There's sort of the good kind of pain Which is a lot of people think about it as like getting tattoos You know, it's sort of like tolerable pain

That's like an intense pressure or something Another thing I would never do That ultimately, right But ultimately, well also the pressure is not on your butt So if the girl likes it Yeah, I'm just the tattoo artist Yeah, I just have the needle thing Yeah, it is nice that you're calling your dick a needle thing

Yeah, that's a little thing So you're the guy with the needle dick And I want to give her an anal tattoo But I think that like if you, that's like if you sort of like Warm the anus if you use lube, if you finger it, if you massage it Let it open up, if you work your dick in slowly That's gonna be a nice positive experience Do you want to tell your mom to stop listening at this point?

You know what mom, because actually my mom has She has a similar stance to you on anal sex And I actually would appreciate it if she listened to the podcast Not saying I want you to have anal sex You know your mother's stance on anal sex? I remember one time my mom caught me looking at porn Or like found porn on my computer And there was like, she had a discussion with me

And she's like, you know, porn is like, it's bad Because it's like making these girls a victim A lot of these girls are like caught up in a bad situation Right And then the other thing she said was that anal sex was disgusting And I actually, mom, at this point in my life I think I've grown into a semi well formed person You're 28 and a half today

I don't think anal sex is wrong I don't think it's disgusting I think that the porn industry is flawed And I think there's a lot of societal inconsistencies Between men and women Which I find that I have issues with But I will say that anal sex can be mutually beneficial And beautiful arrangement between two people

So would you say this guy should just bite the bullet? I think if he doesn't like his girlfriend He should break up with him But I think if he doesn't like his girlfriend Because she's blown people Then that's dumb and he should not break up with her For like being a sexual being Right

Well, it's just one of the things that you can disagree with your girlfriend on Like it could be the other way around Like a guy can have a very high sex drive And a girl doesn't want to have sex a lot And that can also create a rift in the relationship It just usually happens the other way around But I feel like his question isn't about her sex drive with him His question is about her sex drive in general

It's like I've only kissed five girls And she's blown 18 dudes And I don't like that And now that she wants to have sex with like anal sex with me I find it abhorrent It just means she's a whore But it doesn't It does not mean that

And also you can't tie your current relationship In with her past relationships That happened before she even knew you Well it is weird that she knows the exact amount of people that she's blown A specific blow-jay number Do you know the amount of blow-jobs you've gotten? Um, maybe I can I'm not off hand, no

Like if I had a conversation I wouldn't be able to be like Oh, boom, 18 Right I don't know how many I've gotten either I do know how many you've gotten And it's 18, oddly enough Oh my god, they're all from this girl Which doesn't count towards her 18

You gotta share that Google Doc with me I feel like you know a lot about me and I just I'm not privy to the knowledge that you have But I don't know, I've gone through a lot of Trouble to collect all this information You have like a baseball card of information of me But how often I reach third, second, and first place I like to know when you jerk off and ask you

Point blank You do You asked me on the live podcast when it was the last time I masturbated And then yet last night You asked me when the last time I masturbated I like to know I also believe I volunteered Information about when I was going to masturbate

Yeah I don't know, I feel like that's a kind of Nice familial friendship that we can have Yeah Especially now that we're roommates Yeah We're roommates now and I'd like to know when you were masturbating I really would

I know And I would really like to keep some things a secret I think that'll keep our relationship Tighter still What brings us together is not the information we know about each other It's the little bits of data that we don't And I would really appreciate you keeping some secrets from me And I would keep some secrets from you

Secrets There are no fun unless they are for your roommate Secrets are the glue that hold this relationship together The more secrets The more secrets are not Secrets are the acid that wears away at the adhesive Of our relationship And I'd appreciate to know where you're masturbating

When you're masturbating How you're masturbating And to what you came And why actually And why, yeah Because it's a little bit different It's a little bit different every time Cheers to now

This guy should break up with his girlfriend If you can find his reasons are unimpeachable and pure And if they are small And they're attached to your ego And not the way you feel about her Then don't break up with her Try to work through it Yeah, and if I were you

I would also break up with this girl I mean, it's not It's gonna be a weird situation The question is Do you wait till she comes to visit And do it in person Or do you do it on the phone Definitely don't do it

I mean, do it now If you're gonna do it Don't make her come all the way to visit you Expecting anal And denying her your butt plug And also forcing her to like She has to go through airport security She's got to take off her shoes

And empty her pockets And she has to like board a plane And fucking fly to you That's not okay She's coming out of state to visit Or she's driving a really long way There's not like You shouldn't make her go through this effort

So you can break up with her And then have a weird five days together All right, yeah That's a usual problem is like I'm with a girl It's weird to break up over the phone Because we've been in a relationship For X amount of years

But it's also weird to just Wait until she gets here And then break up with her Face time, dude Face time Yeah Video chat break up And I think if you tell her

Like the reason I'm not doing this in person Is because I didn't want you to waste your time She'll like She'll understand Or you go to her Before she gets to you That's true That way it's like

She can't get mad at you It's so weird Because then you came all the way And she's like super excited She's like, oh my god Does this mean we're gonna fucking the ass now And he's like, actually No

It means the opposite of that Yeah No, I don't know I would say Do it over the phone quickly If you're gonna do it Tear the bandaid Tear it

Boom Todah Next question Next person Next new name Who do you got Is it a man? It's a

No, it's a girl actually Hmm China China China writes Dear Jake and Amir I received a really terrible book For my birthday

And my friend keeps asking me If I've read it yet What should I do? Short Sweet But very complicated Right Giving someone a book is a

Is a bad gift What are you saying? It's a bad gift You think books are a bad gift? I think 99% of the time It's a bad gift I've given books many times I know

And it's very sweet But the fact of the matter is They take hours and hours and hours to read It's a big responsibility I only do it when it's a real friend of mine And I only do it when I really love the book Yeah And I say if you want to get to know me

You'll read this book Yeah And I think maybe that's what your friend is doing So You should read the book Also You said it's a terrible book But you haven't read the book

So you don't know if it's terrible It's hard I mean I've gotten a book I'm in this thing Where I give my friend a book And then he gives me a book And the last book that he gave me Was so bad

To me I was boring to me He loved it What book? It's like called The Empire of the Sun It's just about Native Americans Who's this friend? Ofer

Yeah So I gave him a book that he didn't like About Einstein Which was 600 pages He read the whole thing And then gave me a book that I didn't like And I'm like I have to read this So like I read like

It sounds like you guys are out to get each other It's a fucking It's a prank game But my attention span is so Shot That I can barely read books that I do enjoy That like when it's like Boring to me

Did you finish it? I did finish it But I had to read like three pages a day For four months Instead of like Just doing it all in two hours Because I couldn't like My eyes would not let my brain

Or my brain wouldn't let my eyes Continue to read after like two minutes You don't like Well It's tough If you don't like books Then books are a bad gift But I like to read

I like books No you don't This idea I read books all the time That's not true Instead of What were the last three books That you completed?

Wild By Cheryl Strayed Uh huh Um Uh That was Dave Eggers book Yeah

Were they tuned? No I think there was Um More books recently I don't know For like when I travel I like to read Right

But otherwise you don't Oh you know what It was I remember now It was I read two Malcolm Gladwell books When? Outliers

This is like in August and September Okay So you read three books In the last six months And you think you love to read I do like to read But you would have read

More books than that Don't you think Three books a year I feel like I feel like if you really You're putting me on blast I am putting you on blast I think I read a lot

I think I read You don't read a lot Internet articles I think I read You read like Yeah Internet articles You don't read books a lot

I read poetry every single day Do you? Yeah What book of poetry Do you read every single day Well I own a book called Good Poems Which I absolutely recommend

It's curated by Garrison Keeler Actually my mom gave it to me It's one of the best poetry books I've ever read And I also My I have a favorite bookmark

Which is Poets.org I think it is They post a poem a day I read a poem every single day All right Well what I'm trying to say Is there are people that love to read

That read like you know A book a week Veraciously Yeah They just go through it They devour it Like street or someone That is constantly reading books

My brother's wife Is constantly reading books I feel like those are people That love to read You're like me You'll read a book A book every other month I'm not like that

Maybe a book every three months You call it a day You don't like reading I like it when it's An interesting book What a boring conversation This is how boring books are They make conversations boring

I think I don't know I guess it's There's books that people connect with And then there's books That like your friends I think it is dangerous to like Give someone a book

Yeah It's like It has to appeal to you And also Spend ten hours devouring this Investment that you want to feel Like you are in control of Like you made the decision

Like I pick up this book And I will choose to read it That being said If you do read a book Or if somebody reads a book That you recommend it That's like a huge That's a very big connection

It's more so than a movie I think it depends on the friend In this situation Like if your friend Is a good friend And she's asking you to read the book You should be like Okay I'll read the book

And read the book And then see if you like it If she's not a good friend You should just be like You know what I'm not going to read the book It's not like the old High school cliff notes

I remember sparks notes There's no point in lying About reading the book It's like hey yeah I really liked it My favorite part was when The main character Went through a change

I thought of some themes With the book If you can believe that I found it to be a coming Of age story It was an allegory Of the cold war I think Yes

And another theme That I realized Is that it represents Youth Of course The three big themes That I liked in the book Of course

Also the four main characters I liked John, Mark, Jim, Dan And I liked the last sentence Which I've committed to memory Another thing that you could do Is just avoid your friend entirely Just never see him ever again Yeah

If they gave you a bad book Maybe they're a bad friend I don't think you can really Speak to the book being bad Or being terrible If you haven't read the book It's beautiful I can't speak to the book

Being terrible If you haven't read the book Please You're crying for different reasons Right now I know it I'm a skeet I'll just beat you

Completely unrelated To the book thing So if I were you I would just quickly glance At some synopses online Tell your friend You read the book And consider it a lost cause

You're not going to actually Sit down and read a terrible book There's too many good books In the universe That you haven't read probably That you should waste your time Which you love reading Yeah

Recommend some of the good books For example Moonwalking with Einstein Is a book I read once That I really liked It was about a guy who Entered the US memory competition The drunkards walk

Which is a book about statistics And randomness in America Right, so this is like If you recommend I think you have to like Have a keen awareness Of your sensibilities Like if you gave me

One of those books I would be like Fuck this But the last The book that I read Which I loved Was about a woman Hiking the Pacific Crest Trail

Right So it's like Yeah, this appeals to me directly Right You should have a more thoughtful friend That doesn't just like Force her books on you But rather

Finds a book that she thinks you'll like I don't know No, you don't Well, she What would you do If I gave you a terrible book And I said I'd like you to read it I would read it

You would read it Cover to cover, yeah I'm going to give you a book I'm going to hold you to that Or you're going to try to make it terrible Yeah, I'm going to try to fuck with you I'm going to try to trick you Or get you in some way

It's going to be as dense As infinite jest Twice as boring If you can believe it Well, it's just It's unboring Did you read it? No

Give up too dense I'm going to hit it I'm going to get back to it Yeah, yeah The problem with stopping A book and restarting it Is that like Do you start from the beginning

Or you start from where you left off I don't know With that book I'd probably have to start From the fucking beginning It's so dense Yeah, I promise this one's Not about books

Okay We need a name Man, woman Woman again Sable Sable Sable herself writes So my boyfriend keeps texting me

About his problems With his parents' divorce And don't get me wrong I feel really bad about it However, I just started Taking classes again And I'm working two jobs And it's super stressful

To make things... And it's super stressful And to make things worse He keeps texting me To come over to his place To help him with his problems He has with his parents Which, when I decline

He calls me a colossal bitch The good news is I met a great guy at work Who is awesome And super friendly Should I dump my D-bag Of a boyfriend And go after this amazing guy

Or stick around Until his problems blow over Thanks, Sable I will say you sound Like a colossal bitch Really? I really think she does, actually You're taking the boyfriend's side?

Not necessarily I feel like there's still need I need a little bit more information But I do think Given what I have right now I would peg her as a colossal bitch Really? But you gotta think about things

In her point of view Which is Her boyfriend's constantly Complaining about his parents' divorce Which, if you're old enough To be in a relationship Your parents' divorce Shouldn't be that big of a deal

Well, your parents never got divorced That's not fair Secondly How you'd react And then he's calling his girlfriend out For not wanting to come over And console him That's a weird thing to do

Yeah, but that's tough I mean, I imagine your parents Are going through a divorce And you need to rely on your girlfriend And she's like I don't really want to come over And you're like, wow Well, all love is fucked

You're a bitch, what am I doing? I don't think he's being very mature If he's saying that But, well, here's my take Here's my take One more time Here's my take Okay

You got a little high pitch To the front end of a sentence Sort of commands attention Here's my take And everybody's like Whoa, which is happening I do his voice But then their eyes are on you

And you don't break So then We have a speaking seminar recently Between preach and here's the high pitch voice Breach This is how you talk You can command attention by Here's my take

And then preach So, alright I'm going to put this to use right now Here's my take This episode's called Here's my take, right? It might be called breach Alright, that's what I actually love about it

Notice how I'm staring you firm in the eyes So even though you have a good idea I'm sort of usurping it Taking it on as my own Yes, here's my take Okay I honestly actually might have forgotten What I was going to say

Yeah But here's my take It sounds like This girl doesn't want to be there for the dude Okay But I think if it's because He's going through a rough time Then she is a bitch

You can't just be there For the good parts of the relationship And then when he needs you When he's going through some shit Just abandon him And sometimes I think people get more needy When they feel like they're being left

In the dust So in his mind He's like, oh my god My girlfriend's not there I really need her, you know The other thing That this is maybe the This is maybe where I might side with her

If he's a douchebag all the time Which he did say And not just because of this parent's divorce If he always sucks And now he especially needs you But you're like, I don't want to be there For this guy who I think sucks anyway Just so I can go through this shitty time

Help him get past it And then break up with him Really? I would say break up with him now If you're ready to break up with him That's what I'm saying I'm saying break up with him In your mind

You've already decided he's a douche And you don't like him And now he's sucking extra hard Break up with him For sure But I think If you're like If he was great for a long time

Now he's sad And you're like I'm going to hook up with his With his buddy who's positive That's not really smart thinking Because I think a lot of guys Are going to like Have issues where they need you

And if you're just like Bad at being there for people That's not necessarily like You're just moving on To ruin somebody else's life Well this new guy sounds amazing And hot and super fun What makes him sound amazing

That she said he was amazing? Yeah And his parents are still together Which makes him the man This new guy sort of damaged goods I mean clearly he comes from A broken home at this point A place where I can't

I can't imagine my life going I don't want to ever divorce a guy What do you think? I think if this girl seems ready To break up with this guy She should just break up with him Even though his parents Are going through a divorce

Yeah I think I guess what I'm saying is The same thing Don't stay together with him Because he's going through rough time But don't break up with him Just because he's going through Rough time either

If he sucks And he sucks harder now Break up with him If he's great And he sucks now Maybe try to just like Look deep into your heart And decide if it's worth it

Maybe you can help him through it And then you will both be better Well it's kind of hard It's kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy Like these When you get into a fight with someone It's like oh you bitch You're probably just going to want

To break up with me You just want to break up with me Yeah and she's like The more times At this point I do Right because you're just Such a bummer all the time Here's a bit of advice for people

Who are the guys in this situation Don't get mad at someone For not helping you They don't owe it to you That's true And it's such a weird thing to be like Oh you suck You're not helping me

And then they're like Because then the best thing that can happen Is they can begrudgingly help you And then it's weird You're like alright Thanks for getting me through that Rough time And they're like yeah I guess

And then like in your Like in your heart you'll always know That you had to force them to do it And they won't feel like You know one of the nice things That you can feel when you help people Is that you gave and you You were charitable and right

The person that Gibbs can't even enjoy it Because they were forcibly Then it's just bad for everybody So at least if somebody says no They don't want to help you And it really hurts If you just let them go Then only one person feels bad

Instead of everyone You Right Well this guy wants to drag his lady down With him into these trenches of Feeling bad The trenches of feeling bad Yeah like oh my parents are getting divorced

I'm in a bad mood so now You are in a bad mood That's not you're putting that on him Here's my point You're putting that on him right there He's not necessarily saying I feel bad I want you to feel bad He's like I feel bad help

Yeah but then he's like When he gets mad at her It's like I want you to When you get mad at someone You're basically forcing them to be nice to you And it's never a good way to be It's tough It's really hard being insecure

That's what this dude is That's it He's just like you gotta be I don't know I don't know Do you think everybody's insecure in some way Probably Yeah

You can't be the most secure I guess you can be like Very very secure But even the most secure people Must have some insecurity I think everyone does What's your biggest insecurity Or you know what

Better yet What's my biggest insecurity Yeah this is Yeah I don't like this Tell me what makes me bad Tell me what you think makes me bad And I'll tell you if I agree And then maybe if I don't

I'll retreat deep into my psyche And realize that I am bad About that thing In that regard Of which you said I was bad Put me on a blast I'm standing here before you I'm begging to be a blast

Blast me sir Blast Do you know what you're insecure about No actually I'm not gonna say it Cause I think Cause then it just shows up In every single comment

From now on everybody is like Oh Jake's concerned about his eyebrows Which I'm not No obviously not Unless you're saying that Because you think I'm concerned about my eyebrows Are they connected

Are they fucking connected Are they thick Are they too thin What does it tell me They're thin at the end And thick in the middle And they're connected And it's just one

No The worst eyebrow I could have Is on my brow My brow is my eyebrow What now What now My brow is my eyebrow What now

That's that new head That's that new head dude That's that winter jam What are you talking about That's the winter jam My brow is my eyebrow What now What else could your brow be

Other than your eyebrows My brow is my eyebrow My brow is my eyebrow What now My brow is my eyebrow What now My brow is my eyebrow What now

Does that sound kinda cool Brow, brow, brow, brow, brow, brow. No, it doesn't. Forget it. What was the song that I heard yesterday that I hated it but by the end of the song I liked it? Oh, Yabish? Yeah, I don't know what. That really just tickles my brain.

Dude, Yabish? So you're saying Yabish instead of bitch? Yeah, Yabish. I don't know. It's like a dope song though. It's like when someone tickles me and I hate it but I'm still laughing, that's what I think about Yabish. Yabish, it's a great song and the whole song is great. That didn't type away.

That song that I didn't like and then was won over by the end of the song. Oh man, there's another, I can't even mention it now because I don't know the name of the song. What? It's another song that came up on Spotify. It's like if you like Rich Homie Kwan who sings type away, I think it's Rich Homie Kwan. It's like you'll like this song and I'd listen to it and it's dope and I liked it a lot. So point one for Spotify. Yeah, they know that I like hip-hop and so when they recommend another hip-hop song, it's good.

It's in some type of way though. Yeah. The type of way. Mr. CEO is what my titles say. I know you do. It's almost like because I got high. That common response. That's a weird song.

I love it. Should we take a break? Okay. So I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk a little bit more about this.

I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk a little bit more about this. I'm going to talk about this.

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Oh yeah, this is our first podcast recording in our new towel fort of sorts. Yeah. This is such an upgrade over our last towel fort, which we had to force by turning my apartment into a towel fort by hanging towels everywhere. This place is like a nice glass encased balcony looking over the hills with curtains and what do you call these drapes? Drapes, yeah. Drapes everywhere that we didn't even have to hang.

They were already here. Yeah. It's fate. It's great. It's great fate. It's great fate. It's great fate. When was the last time you masturbate?

Breach. We're in our new house. Yeah. We've never lived together. Los Angeles, California. Yeah. This is it. This is the first time we've unpacked this podcast equipment.

Since. And we don't have to put it away. Right. Remember before we left, it was in your basement in Brooklyn. Yeah. And we were recording and your life was a mess. Complete. A frazzle festival.

It was in shards. Yeah. It was in absolute shards. I guess that was over two months ago now. Yeah. That was like November 12th. That was the day before we left for the tour, right? Right.

So your life went from that to here. Oh my God. And you've made it. I really like, yesterday was the first time I like, I guess I sort of unpacked my bag when I went home for Christmas. Right. But this is the first time I like put stuff in a closet, put stuff in drawers. Like this is my life.

Right. It feels amazing. I'm so happy. And yet. I'll never be satisfied. I saw you weeping as you unpacked the boxes. You look. Because I knew I wanted more.

Yeah. You looked at the book. You lifted the book out of a box and you looked at it and you couldn't let go because it meant that you were finally at a place. Yeah. And you were like, holy shit. I don't care about the destination. The last.

I'm now addicted to the journey. Right. My last pair of socks as I put it in the drawer. Yeah. And I left it. I left that pair of socks in my duffel bag because I'm always ready. Yeah. One foot out the door.

I'll never be where I am. I'll never truly be where I am. Well, you mean you'll always be where you are. I'll always one step ahead of myself and two steps ahead of you. Don't drag me into this. And one step behind my old man. So to recap the order of things is. One step ahead of myself.

Okay. Two steps ahead of you. Uh-huh. And then one step. One beat. One pace behind my old man. So if you were to zoom out a little, just the landscape of what you're describing it would be a race in which in first place is your old man.

My old man. Then in second place is you. Then in third place is you too because you're always one step behind yourself. And then coming up the rear for no reason you're throwing me into things. I'm fourth. You're uh. You're right in your own. Okay.

The order's correct but life's not a race. Tell you what bud. There's no first place. We all already lost. What the fuck are you talking about? Salud. You're drinking Clorox bleach. Holy shit.

You know what? Trano. Trano to erase my paino. You don't need to explain, though. I get it. I understand, though. So yeah, there's going to be a lot of good stories coming out of us living together. Yeah, that's true.

Because we've already spent a lot of time together but now that we're actually, you know, sleeping six feet away from each other. It's just a Jack and Jill bathroom. Yeah. And that's all we got. Which is great because you sleep in a wig and you say, I'm Jill and Jack. I'm both. Yeah.

I'm one step ahead of myself and two steps ahead of Jack. What? I don't even understand. Yeah. I don't know what else there is to say other than this place is great. Did you take a picture? We should post it online somewhere. I took a picture.

I'll post it to my Instagram. Impossible. As I want the followers. Send it to me. I want the followers. I want my Instagram is going to have the picture of this room. My Instagram name is Jay Kerwitz. J-A-K-E-H-U-R-W-I-T-Z.

Add me on Instagram. Follow me. I promise you I'll be posting riveting pics of my life. Of my dicks. Preach. How funny was it when Jonah Ray, the comedian, posted a picture of our billboard and captioned it, who the fuck has a billboard for a podcast. And then so many people got angry at him that he then had to delete the photo.

Yeah. We love our fans because we were put on an unsolicited Tuesday afternoon Instagram blast Midday. Midday Instagram blast. I don't know how that was. I don't know how that was average. Don't know how that was fair. But I tell you what, it wasn't appreciated.

And we respect that our fans came to our defense. I think that's a beautiful thing. But at the same time, we didn't necessarily retaliate ourselves. We were too much of a scared little cowardly man to go out and combat it with our own comments. Well, I think that's because it's, and he's, I think he said this too. It didn't feel like he was coming at us specifically because they didn't even know that it was us. Right. He was just like, he thought it was like stupid, which, which, which is weird because we admittedly,

it is stupid. Yeah. Like got it for $380 and thought it would be funny. I mean, if you think about it, this is exactly what we always wanted. This is like the podcast that billboard turned into like actual promotion just then. If only it didn't take down the photo. Yeah, that's true. You could create like a little firestorm.

I don't know. I think it was great. You could see the, I think you could see the Instagram. Somebody screen-capped it on our subreddit. If you go to reddit.com slash r slash Jake and Amir. There you go. You can check it out. Also, that's just a good Reddit to promote because it's a nice healthy community of our smartest fans.

So get in on that. Shit. You know what I just realized? We're, we're out of time. Wow. The break took us to the end. Yeah. All right.

We're at the end of the movie. But you know what? Don't worry. We'll be back on Monday. Guys, stop freaking out. Relax. We are flattered by your, by your uproar. By your outrage and your uproar.

And I appreciate it. Yeah. I think it humbles me. Well, it didn't actually happen, so don't get humbled about it. I am 100% humbled for this. You're making up a reaction and being humbled by it. You make me like a king, but I am a humble servant. I'm saying I'm a humble servant.

You're not because you said you're a king. I deserve to be treated like a king the way they treat me. I'll say that. They do not. I'll submit that, and I'll admit that. But I do want to mention that I, that I view myself as a, as a popper, a lowly popper. You do not. And I appreciate that I have, that I have everybody else in the sound pool.

You are meeting New York. No, no, no. I appreciate how much they appreciate me. Through with this. I'm a god. I'm a god. I'm a god. I'm a fucking god, dude.

Exactly right. All right. You're meeting silence and turning it into adoration, and you're saying that you're humbled by it. You're wearing a crown. I'm a god. You're wearing... Why be a podcast king when you could be a podcast god? A podcast.

Yeah, we are out of time. We forgot to mention the opening theme song was written by CJ Malm. If you can come up with your own theme song, we're still accepting them and using them at the top and bottom of all of our episodes. Boom. Send those to, if I were you, show at gmail.com. That first one was written, like I said, by CJ Malm. And this last one was written by Gareth, Jeanne and Lamp. Hopefully that's not their real names, but you know what?

I'm not judging if they are. I believe they're... I'm Jeanne. I believe they're Australian. And this is a, it's a parody of that song, Timber. I'll give you a one guess as to what they did. Yay! Thanks again for listening, everyone.

We will be back on Monday. We will have more new questions. And if you find yourself in your own difficult situation, you can email us at, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Peace. Ta-da! Let's get together. Yo, you do you? Listen to Drake.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, show at gmail.com. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, show at gmail.com. I'll be sure that's what it's called. Jake's kind of a beast in that regard. My mirror will straight up tell you. She's texting and he's getting hard. Texting OK Cupid. Damn, this girl's a smoke show.

Hopefully she don't leave a snail trail. She says she won't, but her mom will. My girl's on a bus with some clown. Jerking off right up and down. Oh, and his memory just found out. If this were you, would you just bounce? Yo, so I like this girl, you see. Basically text like constantly.

Just want to know if you were me. Should I give this girl the D?