If I Were You - 6: Tattoos (with Ricky Van Veen)

Episode Date: June 10, 2013

Our first guest! CollegeHumor co-founder (and our boss) Ricky Van Veen stops by to talk tattoos, middle names, and how to tell if you've found your soulmate.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I'd show you what to do And if you're feeling stuck, then just email us If I were you, I'd show you what to do And if you're feeling stuck, then just email us Because the show-hole starts now This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we have our first-ever guest today. Wow. Very special guest. It's Ricky Van Veen. Hello. You know what's funny? When I first started listening to the show, I've listened to all of them, by the way. Thank you. We told him to say that. Long time-listener. Long time-listener, first-time guest. Long time. This show's been on for three weeks.

So, I was listening to it, and I was driving in LA with Allison, and I turned to her, and I was like, You know what the best part about this podcast is? No guests. Every podcast has guests. And she agreed with you, and now she's breaking up with you. It is the same people on every podcast. And then, you know, but I think this is good. It's an advice podcast. It doesn't depend on the guest. I can be horrible, and people still listen and like you. Thank God. So feel free. I'd be as horrible as you want. They'll still listen to this one. They'll just stop listening to the next podcast. Listen to half of this one.

So, the reason we had Ricky on the show, you're sort of a- That's because he's our boss and we're sucking up to him? Yeah. That's the stuff I made you have, you guys. This is our first suggestion, but like, we're really asking. The first guest to email the host is a man to be on the show. You're sort of like a very logical person. Thank you. Would you say you're the king of common sense?

Just because that's your email signature. It's my email signature. Yes, I am very logical. Yeah, hyper logical. Hyper logical. To a fault. Amir is also hyper logical, I would say to a fault. So is this a battle between the king of logic?

Like, this is a battle for the king of logic. Yeah, it's like two robots and a really passionate human discussing, I don't know, whatever the hell. We're going to see. Oh, the intro songs by actually by Jesse Gold. Oh, right. You almost just gave Jason Raz credit for that. He's somewhere listening to this podcast for sure. Jesse Gold, we should tell, I think, I can't remember what his YouTube or Facebook page is.

You probably type his name into Google and you'll find it. Just search Jesse Gold, J-E-S-S-E, space, gold, the usual spelling. Found it. Oh, cool. It's Jesse Gold music. Jesse Gold music. Yeah, yeah. Cool.

That's our time. That's it. Thank you so much, Ricky. So type Jesse Gold music into Google. This podcast. Type Jason Maraz into Skittles.com. It's a completely new candy website. All right.

Should we get to the questions? I think yes. Let's see why not. Are you guys all ready? I'm ready. All right. This one is by a lady. We'll call her Lucinda.

Great. Lady Lucinda. Real questions, real people, fake names. My parents despise tattoos. They just really, really hate them and privately make fun of people with tattoos when they see them in public. My new boyfriend has a tattoo on his neck and shoulder to the lyrics of Hey Ya by Outcast. Don't ask.

My parents want him to come over for dinner. Should covering up the tattoo with a scarf would be very difficult since the weather is warm right now. What should I do? Aside from break up with the guy that got Hey Ya tattooed on his neck. How much of Hey Ya? If it goes onto his shoulder. It's the whole thing.

It just says, all right, all right, all right, all right, from the neck down to his ass. Shake it. Hey Ya with all the A's. They start below his ear and end around his tricep. Wow. What would you do? This is like a modern day guess who's coming for dinner, but instead of the person being black, he's just tattooed.

I invented a word a while ago, tattooed, and it's tattooed is when you hook up with someone and you remove a piece of their clothing and you're like, oh, they have a tattoo. Oh, because you've been bamboozled by the tattoo. Wow. That's true. You have a couple of hidden tattoos. I don't know what you're talking about. And I resent the idea that we that we that I'd reveal this on the podcast.

I think it has a tas to Tasmanian devil. I've been taz, taz, taz, taz, taz, taz, taz, taz, taz, taz, taz, taz. It's when you're hooking up with a girl and she reveals a giant Tasmanian devil tattoo on her back. That would be awesome. The exclamation point and like question mark are peeking over her shoulder blades. All right. So I want to give advice, but I keep on like trying to think of lyrics to Hey, I so I can

make fun of it. Yeah, yeah. I think you just got to bring him, bring the guy and just if the parents don't like the tattoo, then they don't like the tattoo, but they're going to find it at some point. Well, that says nothing lasts forever except for those tattoos of the lyrics of the song. I don't even say to the boyfriend like, Hey, maybe even just make a joke about it to kind of diffuse the tension because everyone's going to be looking at the tattoo. All right.

So, you know, like if, you know, within two minutes of the dinner, the topic of a mistake comes up, he can be like, Well, obviously we know what I've done. And then, you know, everyone laughs. What if he still loves that song? I like I still has no shame. She's like, Yeah, yeah. I mean, shake it like a Polaroid picture. That changed my life.

Which is actually bad advice for you're not supposed to do that to Polaroid. Yeah. Polaroid ended up like having to release a statement. So our advice is to, you know, don't shake your Polaroids and I don't know. Would breaking up with the person be good advice? No. Well, it depends how she feels about him. Does she it sounds like I mean, if she wants to stay with him forever or she wants to like

be with him like enough that she wants to introduce him to her parents, like they're going to have to confront the tattoo. Yeah. But think it like zoom out a little bit. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone whose decision making is so flawed? They tattooed a popular song. No one makes good decisions when they're like 18 when they get tattoos.

My butterfly tattoo is a testament to that. But you always had to wear with all not to get lyrics to a popular song tattooed on a visible area. I didn't have the money. I tried to raise $200 like you get a masturbating angel on my shoulder. Is that true? Yes, it's true. Thank God I didn't have any money.

Thank God Kickstarter didn't exist back then. I wanted to Dave Matthews fire a fire dancer tattoo on my other bicep. Amir, do you remember the tattoo that you always joked about getting? No. You joked about getting a Jewish graveyard tattoo. Oh, an ironic Jewish graveyard tattoo on myself so that I couldn't get buried in a Jewish cemetery. That's really funny. What is our advice?

Break up with a guy? My advice is to straight up break up with a guy. That's your advice. Yeah. You can't you can't change your parents. Your parents hate tattoos. You should not respect a guy who would actually do this to himself at any age and I think it's not worth.

I know your parents are going to give you a lot of shit if they privately make fun of people with tattoos in public and that's just regular tattoos. This is just a straight up bad tattoo. You're a bigot or something. I don't know how yet but I think you're a bigot. It might take me to the next episode to understand. Some people like tattoos. Some people like girls that pretend to be dead.

People like weird shit. If she likes these tattoos, if she's into them, if she's not into them, yeah, sure. Break up with them. They're not going anywhere. But if she likes the tattoos, she doesn't mind. She likes him for who he is, for whatever reason. I'm with Ricky. Bring the guy to dinner.

And what? Confront him. Head on. Yeah, look at this. Or she could always do that old trick where it's like you tell your parents something worse and then it turns out to be okay. Like, I got to tell you he's got a swastika on his forehead and they're like, oh my god. I'm just kidding.

He has hayah on his back. Oh god, it's not the swastika one. I would prefer the swastika. At least he really stands for something. Yeah. This guy's just like somewhat complacent and into the fact that he liked hayah by outcast. What are the other lyrics to hayah? How does it start?

You think you got it. You got it. Oh, you think you got it. But god just doesn't get it. We can't actually sing it legally because we got to keep it a seven second. We owe this guy money now. iTunes actually charges us. Okay, so one break up with your boyfriend.

By the way, you have our email. Yes. If our reeveshow at gmail.com, will you please take a picture of your boyfriend's tattoo and send it? Oh yes, that's great. We'll post it on our tumblr, seizethecheese.tumblr.com. Did you guys end up getting that domain? We did by seize the cheese.

Yeah, yeah. But it forwards to our domain, our regular site right now. I hope we should get it, the tumblr. Seize the cheese. That's too late. Oh yeah, my other advice is to seize the cheese. Always seize the cheese. That's every other bit of advice that I have.

All right, second question. That was good to remind the people of the email. Yeah, and I already did it, so moving on. If I were you show at gmail.com, if you're ever in a sticky situation, you don't know what to do, you just want advice, you just want to be made fun of by us, please email us if I were you show at gmail.com. Thank you. Submissions have been great.

All right. I just started, oh, this one is from another lady. We'll call her Luanne. Luanne, very pretty. I just started a new job last week, which I am extremely qualified for and know I am capable of doing any task they give me. But it seems that because I am pretty good looking, they have been assuming that I am stupid and have only been giving me really simple jobs.

And when they do give me something more challenging, they always check up on me to see if I need any help, but I don't. How do I get them to stop treating me like a moron? Holy shit, you're an awful person. I'm really hot. You hate this person more than the Hayate two guys. Yeah. This person sucks in my book.

She's like, I'm so hot that no one thinks I'm smart, but I'm brilliant. No. Yeah. I think I have a, I don't have advice. I have a problem with the premise of the question. We want your advice, actually, lady. So you think she's not very extremely qualified, capable of doing any task? Like, holy shit, your bosses, you just started a new job and your bosses are like, hey, is

everything going okay? Is there anything we can help you with? You're like, fuck you. I'm a hot and smart. What a mean person. I think attractive people have an advantage, not a disadvantage. So what's the complaint? Also, please send a photo of yourself to, if I were your show.

So that we can, she has a Hayate two on her neck. She's actually insanely hot. We stand more than corrected. I'd also like to point out that that email is just riddled with typos. You're not smart. Even her email address is misspelled. I don't know how she got Gmail with two L's, but here it is. Gmail.

She went to the Gmail. I don't know what my advice is. The question is, how do I get them to stop treating me like a moron? They're not treating you like a moron. It sounds like they're like, if they give you something challenging and they ask if you need help, they're treating you like they're on your team. Also, think about, like, if you are really hot and some guy's like, hey, do you need that?

Like they might be flirting with you. Right. It might not be involving your intelligence. They might just want to like flirt and talk to you. If you're really hot, like, don't, oh my God. Please send that photo. Please send that photo. Tweet it at us right now.

I know you're listening live. Jesus Christ. You're mad. Yeah. Wait. She's, her advice is like, how do I get people to stop treating me like a moron? Because I'm too hot. That's right.

Jake, as a very hot person. Yeah, you know, I actually am tired of getting treated like I'm stupid all the time. Yeah. I don't have advice for this girl. Can I just give our office address and like, she can come here and I can snap her in the face or somewhere else. I'd love to meet you somewhere to just like, kind of push you. Like, what are you thinking?

All right. Moving on. Wait. Do we give her advice? Yeah. Yeah. Get over yourself. Okay.

So, everyone is from a dude. We'll call him Louie. So, I've been dating this girl for five years out of nowhere. She breaks up with me through text message. WTF. She says it's because I'm not happy. She says it's because she wants to be alone. She says it's because she's depressed.

She's telling me all these conflicting things and I'm just one confused puppy. What should I do? Move on. When someone breaks up with you, the only thing you can do is move on because if you want to get them back, you're not going to do it by being like, please be with me. Well, it's more attractive than just like a pathetic desperate person. Like, so move. It's such a simple answer and like, there's so many complex emotions going on that you

think the answer is going to be complex, but the answer is very simple. Be done with it. You always like delude yourself and be like, no, no, no, but like my situation is different. Right. I really, really know Karen. Okay. And she like, and she would not want me to just move on. She wants me to like really try.

Yeah. She's telling me the truth. She is depressed and this and this and that and whatever she made up today. It's also, she broke up with him on a text message after dating him for five years. Five years. Like you're ingrained in the family at that point. Yeah. Sweet girl.

I just want to, yeah. But whatever. Hey, where is, I mean, this woman is probably part of the family. It's like, where is Lucy? She, well, she texted me earlier. Oh, she's not going to make it? No, well, she texted me earlier and we're done. So what do you mean?

How's she doing? Let me show you this text. Was it a long, how long was the text? What is a text that you can send to someone? I can almost see like an email because you know, like, I need to like say all of this. Like we have a conversation in person. Right. Like I'm going to get all this off my chest right now.

But a text is like less than 140 characters. You're not happy. We are done. Like a Snapchat. So it's like, I dump people. I don't want anyone else to know how I did it. I have proof of it. I also have to read it in seven seconds.

I would love to know if that happened. Being dumped via Snapchat is the funniest thing I've ever heard. You have to read it so quickly. Doesn't it disappear forever? Yeah. So five seconds. And then like there's no evidence of it if it ever happened. Did she break up with me?

I don't. By the time this picture disappears, I too will be gone. So yeah, even if someone, even if someone's going crazy and like wants to break up with you, but you're not sure if he wants to break up with you, maybe this person is not even worth keeping around anyway. Yeah. I'm with Ricky. Cold turkey.

You're done. Move on. It's so easy to say when you're not in a relationship for five years though. Right. Yeah. Which is why we're doing that. Which is why we have this podcast. I'm not in your situation.

So it's easy for me to give advice and ridicule you. Okay. Let's give him the email address of the hot, over-qualified girl. They can go out on a date with the Hayat tattoo guy. Take a picture and send it all three of you. If I were you, show at gmail.com. Love to just take all of you guys out to dinner. Do you know anybody who's been in a relationship, they broke up, got back together and it worked

out? Yes. So you're saying there is some hope for a breakup, get back together. Yeah. But it's not done by groveling. Yeah. And it's also, I don't know, it's always, it's always going to be weird. Like if they get back together, it's like, hey, I'm really happy we're together, but

easy does it with those texts. A year ago, you were all like, you didn't want to be with me forever. It seems like she's too unstable. If she can break up with him over text, it's like, that's dangerous. There's no more effective way of getting someone else, getting someone back than dating someone else and not talking to that person. Oh yeah. If you really want her back, if you really want her back, go date somebody else.

That's the depraved device that I have. That'll get her. So Ricky's saying it's possible to get back together after breaking up, but it's not going to happen for you. Under your current situation. No, you're done. You're done, dude. So, so far we've broken two relationships up in the matter of eight minutes.

That's not bad. These people have been dating for eight years. And then told an attractive girl that she was a bitch. So, they should quit after this podcast episode. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult

place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years.

So, give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So, you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month.

So, the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelphelp.com slash if I were you. So, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. So, the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code IFIRU to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you. Free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code IFIRU to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. We are recording live from an ivory tower.

I'm flawed too. No, you're not. You're perfect. You have a podcast for crying out loud. I have a butterfly tattoo. An iTunes rated podcast. You also have a tattoo of a tribal son on your ankle. Hey, come on.

Would you get a tattoo now? Or would you be like, I learned my lesson. Nothing I get now will be cool in 10 years. I think about getting tattoo now to just cover this up. Because even though it's not going to be cool in 10 years, it'll at least be relevant to my life now. It looks like a little Tevo symbol. Right now, I'm talking to a girl at a bar and I'm like, oh, let me buy you a drink. And I put my hand out to my car and they're like, oh, what's this butterfly tattoo?

It's a conversation starter. No, it's not. Not a conversation I want to have. It's a conversation ender. It's a conversation starter, but it's like, hey, now you have to talk about something that makes you uncomfortable for a full minute. No, I don't want some, I don't know. What age did you get the tattoo?

I got the tattoo when I was 18. And what age did you regret it? When I was 20. Maybe when I moved to New York when I was 21. So that's still three years of a tattoo. Three years of a tattoo. It was good. And like, you know, it worked.

I made it work in high school and college. Like, it was cool. And now I think I could get, I think I could get like a sleeve of tattoos, walk around Brooklyn and be like, hip is shit. You'd be like, oh, that guy's cool. Right. But I don't know, maybe sleeve tattoos never go out of style. We'll see.

Hey, might as well try it. What are the lyrics to Hayah? I think there's going to be a big eponymic of people. Like, this whole generation that is getting tattoos now will be old sometime. Right. And, you know, tramp stamps will go to Gramp Stamps. Is that it? Oh my God, tattoos old and Gramp Stamps.

Two words coined on this. Wow. Holy shit. Gramp Stamps. You're skipping the dad stamp. You're going straight to the second generation of stampery. But it's going to be interesting to like see a pool at a retirement community like 40 years from now. Yeah.

And they just have sleeves. Sleeve tattoos. Don't you remember this song? No. Hayah. I remember my girlfriend's dad berating me for an hour and a half at a restaurant. We lived happily ever after though. I wish you would have broken up with me.

Good times. All right. Next question. Real question. Fake name. We'll go with Larry. No, but it's a lady. How about Larry, L-A-R-I?

Larry. Yeah. About Laura Dern. Laura Dern. This one goes straight from Laura Dern. Holy shit, our first celebrity question. Laura Dern writes, When I was younger, my sister and I would talk about naming our children after each other.

Well, now I'm going to have a baby in December and she's constantly asking what I plan to name the baby. I hate to break her heart, but there are so many other baby name options and I can't decide whether to stick to our original plan of naming the baby after my sis We were choosing a new updated and modern name. If you were me, what would you do? Your sister's name is Gertrude. Something more modern. There are so many more options. Yes, there are so many more options.

Literally every name. Except one. The Dern sisters. The sisters Dern. It's got to be a name that works with Dern. Well, Laura's taken. Lindsay. Lindsay Dern is nice.

How would you promise to name your baby after your sister? That's weird. This is one of these promises where you're in seventh grade and you say to your best girlfriend, you're like, if we're not married by the time we're 25, we're marrying each other. And then it's like, no, not at all. 25, like, yo, that's the prime of your life. You're only dating people. You're getting laid.

Like, ah, shit, I actually have this weird pact with my friend. We're going to get married. I have a solution. Middle name. Ooh. See, that's why you're on the show. That's actually not helpful because we usually have to stretch these out. You can't just like snipe in like perfect advice and like, well, I can't follow that.

It is. That's right. That's right. Yes. Real name for their first name, bury that lead, bury that lame name as a middle name because that's what people do. Yeah. Everybody's middle name is weirder than their first name.

And then the sister just like insists on calling her by her middle name because like, people go by their middle name sometimes. Yeah. If they have a cooler middle name. Yeah. But what does the deal with middle names? Like, you hide the worst name in the middle name? I don't know.

I think it's like when you're naming a kid, you're supposed to like be named after like, you know, there's like a lot of people that like want the honor of the kid being named after them. I have three, three names. You have three middle names. No, I have two middle names, but I have like, so Jacob, Pan, Cooper, Hurwitz. Right. So there's like, I got somebody from my mom's side, my dad's, and two people from my dad's

side. They just crammed it all in. It's like Jacob and then I don't know. Potpourri, miscellaneous. I like Cooper. I think nobody, like we never figured out what the rules are for middle names. So everyone's just kind of different and people are like, who cares? What's my name?

It's the weirdest. But it's, oh, fuck. This is like blowing my mind. I feel like I'm high. My middle name is Raphael. Is it? And I think about that maybe once every three years. On the dot.

Ricky Raphael Van Veen? Yeah. R-R-V-V. That's dope, actually. R2-V2. Richard Raphael Van Veen. Oh my God. R2-V2.

That's the coolest shit I've ever heard. Or the worst. And yours is Amir Schmiel. No, it's not anything. It's not anything. All right, moving on. We're making fun of my fucking butterfly tattoo. Shwell.

I didn't choose that. That's the difference. Ass. That'd be funny if you got to choose your own middle name. Is that what happens with Catholic people? They get communion or something? When they're like 13, you get to choose your Catholic name? Really?

I don't know. I'm fucking Jewish. I don't know. I am high. It's like a show, like Wikipedia show without Wikipedia where you're just guessing and like we have a computer here. I'm not going to waste people's time. My favorite part of our podcast is when I just like say facts I think I know.

I'm just like, there are thousands of people that are just going to hear it and some people are going to take it for like at face value. They like mentioned it to their friends like, oh yeah, and you get to choose a name and get communion. Like what? I think I'm going to convert. I want to change my name. My middle name.

Some loser said it on a podcast once and I just, I took it as a fact. Middle name was great. That's a bullseye answer. Snipe. R2-V2. Nailed it for the epic win. Let's keep moving right along. Chugging.

All right. This one is from a dude named Leviathan. Leviathan? Yeah. What's it called? Lev. Well his middle name is Leviathan. Lev Leviathan, Leventhal.

Title of the email was Seize the Cheese. Seize the Cheese. Right off the bat it's catching on. Guys, hashtag Seize the Cheese. You got to hashtag Seize the Cheese. I think if we can get it trending in some sort of city. We're selling t-shirts, sweatshirts, hoodies. Beanie.

Tearaway pants. Seize the Cheese. On the ass. Green Bay Packer Cheesehead Seize the Cheeseheads. You got to seize it. There's only one of each so you have to seize this cheese. Just a shirt that we only make a one of. And like you can, whenever you see it in the wild, you're allowed to grab it and that

person has to give it to you. It's an international game of tag. That is so dope actually. I really am high I think. Like weird little things are like blowing my mind. Yeah, well I did see you eating an entire mescaline candy bar before we started. Holy shit, that's what that was. Alright, Leviathan's question.

I don't usually date girls. I generally just have one night stands and friends with benefit relationships. However, girls always ask me to date even though I'm an asshole. My question is how do I tell a girl I'm scared of getting into a relationship and I don't know why without hurting her or making it sound like the whole it's not me, it's you routine. Alright, I'm going to just say why would we even attempt to answer this when we have Jake Hurwitz in the room?

Because I have no fucking idea. Jake actually wrote this question. This is like the second time a question has been just like sent from my brain and heart. So would you say all of this is true for you? You don't usually date girls. You have one night stands, you're friends with benefits and you don't want to tell girls that you don't want to date them and that just makes them want to date you? I don't know.

I guess, you know, a little bit. So my advice is you can just do what I do which is just sort of fade away, stop talking to people and strange everybody and everyone is like, oh yeah, Jake was cool for a little bit but then he got weird, he stopped talking. He must have been busy. Are you ever just kind of a dick on purpose so they'll stop liking you? No, I'm never ever mean. Like the meanest I get is like, I won't respond to a text for two days and then I'll respond

and be like, I'm really sorry, I've been super busy but let's hang out soon. Your problem I would say is the opposite. That you're so nice to people that they're like, oh maybe he does still want a relationship because he's like, yeah, I'm totally into it. Let's have an adventure. Let's go crazy. I think that's what makes me a monster. Like I don't know how to be, I can't be actually mean so I'm, I can't be like outwardly mean

so I'm outwardly nice but I'm actually mean. Right. And do you find that that makes girls even more into you than previously? I don't know. In my experience I think I'm dating girls that are like mature enough to be like he's childish and he's an asshole so I don't think like girls are like, oh man I really want this guy. He's super nice. He's just aloof.

Right. They're like, oh this guy's probably hooking up with other people and I don't want to be with him. Which is true. Yeah. But don't you often say like- Does that work for you left? Don't you often say like, I wish that, like I wish like this, if girls into you you're

like and she says, oh I want to be with you. You like stare at your phone and you're like, no you don't. You don't want to be with me. Right. You're wrong. Yeah. You're like, you think you want to be with me but you couldn't be more mistaken. I suck.

I'm going to hurt you. And you're like, oh I like you. Like no, no, no, don't do that. You fucked up. You're already- Whenever a girl is like, I like you, I think that like that should be nice but in my head I'm like, oh no, I tricked her. Yeah.

I've duped you. You fell for my shit. And now I don't like you because you're gullible. I would never belong to a girl that would have me as a member. Oh my god. Why do you guys fucking say something? I'm like sweating right now. You're both like in committed relationship.

Yeah. You've been with your girlfriend for years. To be in a relationship like that just means so much more. This is what love means to hear. Why is being in a relationship better than having one night stands and being and fucking whoever you want? We are actually at a time. Well I mean it's for all the obvious reasons without being too corny.

I mean you go home and you either have a one night stand and you're completely by yourself. Right. We get to go home, hang out with someone, have fun, have an amazing time, you have a partner in life, you share stuff with them. How does that sound? Or- I hang out with Dave and Jeff Rosenberg. Later in life you see people like, oh my friends just had kids, my friends are starting a family.

That looks amazing. Like to create a child and to be with someone and like have this project that you have to raise a kid with somebody. I'm an uncle. Do you think that sounds- I'll be an uncle. That could be cool too. You love being an uncle.

You love seeing friends with kids and saying like, oh this is like- This is, I really genuinely feel like I'm getting advice right now. I think Jeff, if you ever meet somebody and you're like, and you feel like you can ask them a question and you can't wait to hear the answer, then be with that person. Wow, that's cool. So say that again because I was picking my nose. So a good test of like whether you- Say it into the microphone.

A good test of whether you should be with someone is if you ask them a question like for advice and you can't wait to hear what they're going to say. But a lot of people think that about me and Jake. Yeah, but- What do you mean? The podcast. Oh yes. I love that advice.

That's another like Van Veen snipe, R2-V2. Yeah. Ask someone a question. If you can't wait to hear it. But like what, my problem is that I feel like that every single day about a million different people. I've never said anything I don't mean. When I tell somebody I like them, when I tell someone I love them, when I tell somebody

I want them, I fucking mean it, but I just don't mean it for very long. What's preventing you from engaging? Because- Being committed. From being engaged. Because there's somebody else I could do that with, that like big moment of like, hey, I can't wait to hear what you have to say. So it's like you have ADD for people.

Yeah, people ADD. Well you're saying the big- Pad. I think for Jake and for a lot of people probably the best part of the relationship is the first week and a half. Yeah. So why stay with someone for longer than that when you can just get that first week and a half over and over and over.

You know, it is like, I think we talked about this before we compared it to dieting. And it's like, it's great you have that week and a half, but like the longevity over like over a course of many years, it's like, oh, I, you know, feel bad and shallow and you know, nothing. And then, but dieting, even though it's like not, it's like doesn't have like immediate benefits. It's like looking at your life. You're like, I generally feel better.

Right. So I'm going to enjoy my life more. I'm eating a salad now, which gives me less gratification than eating a cheeseburger, but the flip side of it is I'm going to feel healthier in the long run and live a longer life. You guys talk a lot about salads versus cheeseburgers. All we do is talk about food. We're starving.

Somebody called in or emailed in the other days like, four out of the five titles of your podcast are food. Remember that quote on from Mad Men a few seasons back with that girl? You only like the beginnings of things? Yes. It was so good. I almost got that tattooed over my butterfly. It was so perfect.

Like the woman leaves Don and she's like, you only like the beginning of things. And it's like, yes, that's a lot of people. Right. That's definitely that like really spoke to me. And also in like two weeks ago, Betty said, I forget exactly what it was, but like, she doesn't know that loving you is the worst way to be close to you or something like that. Like, yes. Fuck.

No. Just like knockout lines. Man, that's fucking good show. People are very like, a lot of ladies usually like give Don these one line singers that really reveal a lot about himself and he's always like taking it back. Oh, yeah. I guess that's true. Anyway, I'm going to go fuck a stranger now.

Right. I mean, that's a problem. Like you have this like this, this seemingly like good thing. Like, oh, it's easy for me to have sex. But then it's like kind of a curse because if it's too easy, if you can have sex too much, like you sort of don't want to stop doing it. Right. That's like when you can eat cheeseburgers and your metabolism is so fast.

Why stop eating cheeseburgers? You got to stop talking about cheeseburgers. You got to seize the cheeseburgers. Seize the cheeseburgers. Seize burger, the cheeseburger. There's bacon on the cheeseburger, right? What would, is there anything to, if you're in your 20s, this type of life is fine. And then once the older you get, the sadder it becomes, or is it equally sad at any age?

I think that's pretty true. It's getting sadder for me, 100%. But you're not, you're what, 28? 27. Okay. That's not crazy. So when does it become sad? I think it's just, just now.

Holy shit. Today. June 10th. Just 2013. It actually coincides with when Ricky remembers his middle name. Every three years it becomes sad. I think you're a guy in New York, like in your late 20s, early 30s. Right.

It's, yeah. I think that's what's considered like the prime of being, like being able to go out and you know people and you have a little money and you, you know, I think it's, I think you're fine. I wouldn't start freaking out at 27. Cool. Yeah. Crisis averted.

Thank God. Oh, but on your 33rd birthday. Anyway, I'm not changing at all. Ladies. Email the show. I'll forward it to my own person. How'd you like to kiss a monster? That's the tagline to Monsters Inc.

To Monsters University. That was a, that's our time. That took us over the limit. Cool. Do I get a plug? Yeah. Let's do it. Anything you want.

We'll cut it out. Yeah. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out.

We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. This is what I do if I were you.