If I Were You - 60: Butthole (with Thomas Middleditch)

Episode Date: February 10, 2014

In this episode actor/comedian/friend/lover Thomas Middleditch joins us to discuss jealousy, intelligence, and buttholes.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox -- Delicious/nutritious snacks delivered to your home! Check them out: http://bit.ly/1idZxFpSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you're having problems in your day and night, There's something that you want to know. Stand in an email, to with power you show. If you're great wisdom- they possess the They all be sinned after God I'll show you how to seize the cheese Holy shit! Rock on! My glasses broke Oh God, you're like a, yeah, you suck

Hey, Thomas Middleditch is here Hi! I wanted to throw you in because you were like the kind of polite guest that doesn't talk until you're introduced it seemed That felt like, that felt right? Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanted to get to you right, right, right quick before we even said anything else Yeah, I'm a gentleman when it comes to the mic Have you done a lot of podcasts?

Yeah, motherfucker, I'm a gentleman on the mic Yeah, bitch Wait, can we curse and say B words? Yeah, you can say, you can say B words, you can say F words As long as you don't say the C word, the A word, the D word, the Y word or any number in between 1 and 19 What's the Y word? Yams You yam?

I'm gonna bleep that Get up the straight, ya yam? Ya yam, ya yam Have you done a lot of podcasts? I've done, I wouldn't say a lot, but I've done a few, I've done a handful Let's say under 10 Would you say you're fair share? Yes

Would you say it's been a fair share? Yeah, it's been a fair share, I never rescind it I'd say it's over 10, under 20 Really? So in the teens? Yeah That's an unfair share, you lied to me Well, you know what? We've done our unfair share podcast, this is a shitty table that we're on, right?

Yeah, we got that Guys, don't lean on the tape Don't touch the table Don't say table We're still trying to figure out our setup, this is a new space for us You're our first guest in our new home I love this new home, I love this Miranda You specifically said it wasn't a Miranda

It has to at least be a veranda, right? It's definitely a blank a veranda Wait, so wait, it's a veranda, not a Miranda A veranda, but this is a, I feel like a veranda Is it, this is an enclosed It's an open mouth This is an enclosed veranda A veranda is a closed veranda

I watch a lot of HGTV, I watch a lot of design shows I like Rehab Addict with Nicole, what a jam Oh my God She restores those houses to their former lester I'll call this a Solarium, I think it is Oh, Solarium, yeah It's a sunroom, it's a room encased by just glass windows Yeah, it's weird that we're naked though

Well, it's not weird that me and Amir are naked Yeah, we're usually naked It's weird that there's another person here that's naked It's weird that you're willing to do it Solidarity, man You suggested it Let's Get Nude is what you said as you walked into our door for the first time You took off your hat, your jacket, and then you just kept going

You know, I go to a lot of Korean bathhouses Man, I wish that were a joke Is that true? Yeah, baby You gotta go down to Koreatown Yeah, baby Now that you're here, now that you're here in LA Go down to Koreatown and really

Just be, just get nude Going to hot tubs, going to cold tubs, going to saunas, the steam rooms Naked? Yeah, baby What's a Korean bath, like bath house I've heard of like Russian bath houses They're very similar, but you just got a lot more Asian guys there Oh, so it's just

Which has, for me, always been missing from the Russian bath houses Thank you I miss my little Asian dudes Yeah, you're a little Korean men Where are my Koreans at? How many Korean guys have seen your dick? I'd say more than I have More than podcasts

More than your fair share Yeah, plenty, I would say So, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake So, what we do is we accept, review You're explaining this to Thomas and the audience right now, right? Yeah, at the same time People email us at Ifirishowatgmail.com We come through the submissions of people who are asking for advice

And we do our best to offer it to them Okay Sometimes it's just us And sometimes we have a guest and we're honored to have you You had a question, what was it? Do they know that they're asking advice? Yes, yeah, yeah No, no, no, no, no

Do they know what they're doing or are you raping them with your advice? Are they aware that life is here? No, did you announce? Did they know that they're asking? They're not asking anything specifically to me They're just asking it to Ifirishowatgmail.com They're like, we're saying, hey, we're here, do you have a problem? And they're emailing us their problems

Have you ever heard the show Car Talk? Yeah, I love it Me too, and that's what this podcast is except for real problems And also there are other advice broadcasts, but I just love Car Talk On the scale, on the scale, now not in between 1 and 19 Because we're not allowed to use those numbers But on a scale, a number scale 20 through 30

Or maybe an alphabetical scale Are we supposed to answer genuinely or ungenuinely or a mix of fun? Oh, I love that Oh, God, it's so, it's really, you have like a child, a boyhood quality It's like a mix of fun Yes, I think that's the way to do it I think it's going to be a mix of fun I feel like people genuinely have problems

So we can definitely make fun of them But at the end of the day, they want advice They want some laughs, and they want some advice And they want laughs while they get the advice So I think it's just a mix of fun You nailed it So what we do is we read these real emails from real people But we give them fake names to preserve their anonymity

I feel like you'd be good with coming up with fake names Sometimes our guests are good at that kind of stuff I'd love to Okay, so let me tell you if this first one is from a lady or a boy This first one is from a guy And let me color him a little He's sort of all business So this guy's like all business

So what should his name be? Mr. Foxtail What's his first name? James Mr. James Foxtail Alright J.F., let's do it Alright, buckle up, ready?

Yes, Mr. Foxtail, go do it James Foxtail writes Hey boys, I'm currently in the third week of a new relationship She's all the things I like in a woman She's pretty, she's smart, but not quite as smart as me Which is key We've only been dating for three weeks We've only been dating for three weeks and things have been going well

But there are a couple of problems Number one, she likes me way more than I like her She's disappointed if we don't hang out every day And she texts me that she misses me when we don't She's so constantly using emojis with hearts in the text I mean, I like her, but I'm not in love with her And I don't miss her when I'm not seeing her for a couple of days I still like having my space and time apart

Number two, she's going away to China for a semester in a couple weeks She's going away to China for a semester in a... She's going away to China for a semester abroad in a couple weeks That was written in the thing though That's not, I mean, we were having trouble with it I'm reading it verbatim Okay, going away to China Going to China for a semester abroad for a couple weeks

I won't see her for four months That will be twice as long as we'll have been seeing each other by the time she leaves Okay When she's gone, I know that I won't want to stay exclusive Four months is a long time to be tied to someone you can't even be with When you haven't developed strong feelings for them yet At the same time, I can see that we have potential And that I could develop stronger feelings for her when she comes back

I don't want to break up with her now because I still like her And time with her while I have the chance And I don't want to spoil the chances of getting back together with her When she comes back by telling her that I don't... That I want to see other people when she's gone But I know I'll feel... But I know I'll feel guilty if I don't Because she likes me enough already that she would stay faithful for me

While she was abroad What would you do, love James Foxtail? So... Sounds like a personal problem That's the answer to every question on our show My bowtie spins around This podcast is called Sounds Like a Personal Problem You just spit a salamander

Did I do it? Did I burr that? It came out of your mouth Well, my favorite part was she's smart but not as smart as me Yeah, that's pretty funny Key Which is key I like my ladies to be as smart as humanly possible as long as they're still dumber than me

Which is key Well, you know, I appreciate his honesty Yeah, it's very candid Because, you know, you've got to be honest I would suggest a little humility But let's be honest because how else can we solve the problem? That's true Do you guys prefer ladies who are smarter than you, as smart as you, or slightly dumber than you?

Which is key No preference I was saying that it was key because it might be a fault Like, you say that's not a good thing We're giving him more credit than he deserves I would say it's always a treat when they're smart When you feel like they're smarter than you Yeah

When you're like, oh man, this girl's growing circles around me I love that That's great That's true But also, like, you don't want somebody that's like, I know it all I want somebody that's smarter than me But then, like, I feel like I'm an expert on certain things Like, if we're on a road trip, I'm like, oh, I know the highway

I'd be like, yo, shut the fuck up Oh, wow Bitch, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Don't, no, no, no, no I'm serious I know you're serious No, no, no, no, no

So I'm saying like, shut the fuck up, bitch No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I'm serious No, no, I'm serious I know you're serious He's saying serious but then a bad thing It's so weird Sometimes saying I'm serious like, exempts you from the situation

Yeah No, no, no, come on, I'm serious I know, we didn't think you were joking I think the problem was that you were serious Yeah But I am I am serious not about to shut the fuck up bitch part But like the the ebb and the flow of the smarts you kind of want to feel like a dynamic well It's not the ebb and the flow

It's that you want to be better than her at some things and she wants to be you want her to be better or smarter than you At something well, it's not a better or worse thing. It's just a smarter or less smart Yeah, I think but I think everybody needs to look up to somebody and everybody needs to felt like they're looked up to in a Relation no one wants to be condescended. Yes, which this dude is to this chick Yeah, this girl likes to keep she uses heart emojis She would be faithful to me, but I want to be faithful to her Yeah, I'm smarter than she is so should he sacrifice this four months of China a broad time and

So basically should he break up with her because he's not gonna be faithful for her to for her to her for four months Or should he stay with her while she's in China so that he can have a relationship back If you're questioning if you can if you can be faithful at the especially the beginning of a relationship Yeah, what are you doing right break sounds like he's in college. He's talking about semester. Yeah Why would you even enter into something? Especially with a girl who you think it's kind of dumb to anyone Anyone in college right now anybody in college if you're with somebody break up with them You should all be

24 years old you should be fucking everybody you possibly know that age 24 at age 24 settle down It's time. No, it's time I think you can I think you could you can definitely find love and have that whole thing But it sounds like he's maybe a conflicted and there's nothing wrong with being conflicted The point is and here's what I've learned through time and space mostly space I got some money I is

Be honest be honest with yourself and the the lady or boy or whoever just be honest I see the best policy What do you think about about this theory that the beginning of the relationship shit should be the best So like at the beginning if things aren't amazing, they're only gonna get worse They never start out mediocre and then he wrote to love someone. I think that I think that could potentially happen I'll I'll let me submit. Okay. Let me submit you. You can postulate now. This guy. This is not a unique problem He's he's starting to date someone who's planning on going away It's very normal to just date her up until the point she goes away

And then they break up and then like we'll see what happens when they're back exactly I think I think it would be poor form on her part to hold that against him I mean she has to realize the reality of the situation, right? She's going to China, which is gonna be great experience. There's tons of dudes There are a lot of guys in China they are clamoring for women They need chicks. Yo, you should you should try to get your girl not to go to China There's a lot of dick in China right now a lot of D a lot of D. There's a lot of D You know what I'll speak I'll speak very truthfully Mandarin

I'll speak in you know what else. Let me speak in fake Mandarin sure Okay, the thing is I Dated I did it some of a very long time and the things that I thought might be a problem in the beginning ended up being a problem in The end those things because and they're just part of the person, right? So you got to just like go with your gut Person or you think hey, you know, that's a thing for me her you the modigy the modigy's the motigy's yeah Our deal breaker emojis. I got it. You a motor John's Got it. All right motigies

Go ahead. Her favorite movie is um, I don't know. What's a bad one second city tip? The bad movie, you know that bad one that came out three years ago I'm with the time so you're saying there are like things that are that in the beginning that you can see that they're deal breakers Yeah, if you want to call him a deal breaker, they're just things that you're like that's part of the person and Ideally those are the things that you love about the person, right? I remember like getting into relationships where like Oh like this a girl's like you can't decide what you want on the menu. That's so cute about you Like you're you're indecisive like between you can decide what's on the menu. I can't do such a feminine problem I know I'm not talking about me specifically. I always know what I want

But I do order it and then I change a couple things You know you see something cute like that like oh my god It's so cute how you like don't know if you want to sandwich or a salad and then like three months into the relationship You're like just fucking decide. I don't like this anymore the cute the cute quirky issues that are cute at the beginning Terrible Annoyances later on but that's that that being said if the cute stuff like the the emojis are shitty in the beginning Then it's only gonna get worse Well, that's what I said

Maybe the the beginning things should be the best because they only get worse over time. Yeah, but is that true? Well, you know it also depends on what your what your intentions are you are you and is this man intending to just date someone or like Find the love of his life because for me I went through some times where I was just sort of like dating people not It's not necessarily for the permit for permanence, but just like but dating, you know And when you kind of come to some conclusion You could just like you accept people for what they are and I've dated like, you know Like sorority girls who I in my in me me if you know me you'd be like what what so wait they didn't role play

Yeah, they didn't they never even dreamed of going to a rent fair But I did you just accept them and once you kind of like accept them and don't can that judgment element of you and sort of like Recognize someone for who they are You know, you can find yourself meeting some pretty cool people, but you know, you got to break that barrier That's what I feel like that's what that's really poignant information That that's why we have guests on the show because they're usually more smart and poignant than we are that's sort of my problem I feel like I will I'm very judgmental and I won't even give people a chance to start with me because I'm I know They could do something day one that like turns you off forever

Yeah, exactly like the girl that did a magic trick for you. You were like forget this. Yeah, I will I can't yeah I'm like I ride her off right now, but maybe but that's the thing like should I do What's the point in me at age 30 bothering to date someone that I know for a fact? I will never marry you have to you have to go on that journey of what you want out of it all you know, I have to just I have to Enjoy the ride of dating someone and then like I date them for what three months four months and then break up with them Because I know I'm not gonna like at what point do I just cut my losses, but also me maybe it's just a Journey of figuring out what you like

I mean have you ever sort of accepted dated and celebrated a girl who like, you know talks like a valid girl It's totally precious about like where's augs like all no You may find like if she's sweet to you You know if you guys find that common ground that you guys get along with maybe it's like yeah I don't know she's kind of ridiculous, but I like her and she'd probably say something about you really true She's got like that She has a passion in her life and you didn't connect with that because you're passionate about things right just gotta be a Common ground. I'm not saying just like right no random, but you know like you never know I do think yeah

But you could be more open. Yeah, I know I could obviously be more open But I just I find myself in situations like this guy where it's like okay. I'm dating this person I don't necessarily I'm not in love with them So what's the point to continue to going out with them? Shouldn't I just break like this guy is gonna break up with this girl when she moves to China Well, I guess if you're now that you're 30 you're 31 So you probably there is a point of breaking up with them if you don't know if you're like you're not I think your gut is a good instinct if you're not feeling it then get out

But what if I'm not feeling it day one then well, I mean if you're not feeling it If you've met at the bar and you walk away from that conversation like that person sucked like why force it But they're sucked and then there's like oh, that was pretty good. What do I do? It's pretty good for a little bit. It's an internal It's a switch you got to flip on of just being like I'm gonna find the cool part about this person I'm gonna celebrate it and you know you may not date this person for more than a month That's okay, but you walk away from it being like wow I like found common ground and someone that's like that's the improviser in you

That's the person that you like want to hit that stride. You want to like feel that that's it Most people don't have that well look it's easier said than done and I'm like you know Like that's a life that's a life thing you could do with friends with people like you think of it as like a puzzle Like a challenge like I I want to find the thing that like sets this person off and like shows me them and their element What's the game of this relationship? And sweep at it Yeah, I don't know you know it's something that I learned from other people like I got a couple friends who are just sort of like Yeah, man, they make friends with everybody. They accept people for who they are

They have you look at their roster of friends and it's from all walks of life I look at mine. I'm like, yeah, they're pretty much all plaid shirt. Where have you ever been burning man? Have you been to burning man? I would I think we should not me fuck those guys I really think that I was I was a burning man this year. I think I think you would dig it actually I think for me what the heat the desert? Yep. Oh, yeah, are you sure you're not Jewish? Oh You can't shower you can't snow bagel shop There actually is a bagel shop

There's bagels there I'll throw down a maybe I don't know can't appreciate that. I wish I could be a camper I end up never can I never never been you can't get into it I go out there a lot of gusto and then I come out being like the bugs And three in like 13 minutes I'm an adventurous sort, but there's a lot in your car and you just stayed at home So do we answer this guy's specific question what should he do? I say if he's if he's on the fence at this point

He's gonna break up with her before she goes to China just break up with her now And I say there's no harm in dating her up until the point when she goes to China But I wouldn't like lead her on and say stay faithful to me faithful to me while you're in China Right, I say I say just like hang out with her until the end if you like her a little bit Yeah, I'm I lean towards Jake. I say have a conversation with her be like look. I like you I think you're great. You move into China. I'm in college Let's let's date. I'll be you know, we'll be dating and then when you go, you know Well, you'll be gone and then when you get back. Let's see if it's still there. Have you done?

Relationship that turned into a long-distance relationship Weirdly, no, but I've done like eight relationships that have started long distance and then they became non-long distance No, they just started and yeah, and like, you know, they would like visit or it would be like right pepperings But like yeah, my conclusion is long distance if it's long distance And there hasn't been like years into the relationship and a definitive end to the long distance. Yeah, fuck it move on It's not worth it. It really isn't Why are you looking like that? That was so knowing

Shot daggers out of your eyes who me or Jake Koi daggers both of you guys looked at each other Oh Koi daggers private eye Yeah, well, that's bad. Yeah, whatever. But what do I know? Yeah, I mean, it's easier said than done You can say oh long-distance relationships are stupid and then it's like oh, I've fallen in love with someone who lives far away from me and I don't have the Fortitude to not be in a relationship with her Based on just the fact that I've created this rule that I shouldn't be in a long-distance relationship. Well

Okay, two things you're gonna hear the radio lab story where it all worked out and you're gonna like crying your car Right, but my experience has shown when you're a long distance You don't have the physical reminder of what the person is like, right? This person is an abstraction Yeah, mind you talk to them on the phone. Yeah type chat whatever But you don't have physical time together so you can fill in all the gaps in terms of what this person is make them perfect There is no such thing as perfection It's catfish it's catfish all day cat fishing yourself cat fishing yourself. You're willingly making this person like yo Let this bitch go to China

Y'all let me know that damn She'll have fun she should be free anyway. Yeah, that's true think about her Yeah For once in your goddamn life, mr. Mr. Fox tail. Let her find someone that's slightly less intelligent than her Mm-hmm. All right, baby. I'm too smart for you All right, let's get to another question. We need another dude's name Kurt Smelt

Kurt smelt has a strong name a lot of confidence in there. It's a hard one Smelt smelt database and analyst Where is he from? Idaho Boise Idaho Texas Idaho, Texas BC, Canada Ukraine P.O. Box one

That's what we say Over here in Boise All right, Kurt smelt writes Let me start off by saying I'm a jealous boyfriend I am and I just can't help it the problem lays here This guy who used to be a close friend of mine is trying to give my girlfriend a Nintendo 3ds If it was a t-shirt or something a little it wouldn't bother me, but a $200 3ds That's too far not to mention that we used to be close friends

But we stopped being friends because of my girlfriend I love my girlfriend, but this is really taking a toll on me and ultimately the relationship We thought about this before is it worth continuing to fight over or should I just drop it? Thank you, Kurt smelt Boise Idaho, Texas, Ukraine BC, Canada You know, it's a tricky one jealousy. Jealousy is a nasty beast. Yeah in the air tonight. I could tell it's beautiful Thank you. It's Drake Oh my god, I'm so sorry

I'm crying and my water broke and it's everything it was soaking wet. I couldn't feel the face to pussy That's it. Yo, I'll make the girls wet face to pussy. Yo Face to pussy mainly cuz I time my sad stories with their pregnancy Waiting for the girls water to break when we're telling a sad story. You're one of my father died Leaking from every Here here I Say hey, okay two things man. I got so many. You're good. And this is ready to go Let's do it. Let's do it. I used to be a jealous. I used to be a jealous Julie really rich

Yeah, it really got I mean I would get jealous over very very little tiny things Okay, really really internal really emotional and stuff like that. So what happened? Well, he's got two things Well, this is the well, this is the one this is this is still talking about the one thing one Jealousy is something that you have to master internally. You have to actively get over it Jealousy you have to say to yourself. I can't control the other person because truly you can't even if you chain them up They're still gonna think their thoughts. You can't actually actually control them So you have to surrender to the idea of they might go fuck someone else That's you have to just accept that that might be a thing, right? But don't I mean

What are you gonna? Do if they are if they're in that place where they want to go do that? You what do you want to be in that anyway? That's right. So you just surrender and control just call trust. You say you just say I I let go of this jealousy What comes what comes and it's tough and man that took a long time for me to learn that but that's how you get over it So that's it. You're you're in your late 20s or early 30s now. I'm 31 years old now 32 March 10th guys. Come on. I want birthday cards. Good man. Good man I want to be funny. I want to be about I want you guys you guys heard it here All right, I want like a cute one that says like to my favorite grandson and the grandson is no good friend. Yeah

But that is the kind of shit that you learn as you're as you get older because I was also a jealous 18-year-old. Yeah, yeah, so jealous well You just become more secure in yourself and well, I don't think it's I don't think it's necessarily becoming more secure Because I don't think I'm more secure. I think so Well, maybe listen. Oh, I'm me. Nobody else is me. Good luck trying to find another guy like that Yeah, I guess I'm slightly more more secure, but you also have to realize that you That it I guess you become self-aware and you're like in you you fall in love with someone You're like I want to look good in their eyes and what looks good about jealousy

Yeah, the last thing I like if if even I if I was jealous even if I was so fucking insecure I wouldn't say anything to the girl that I liked because then she's like oh My boyfriend is a bitch right my boyfriend's a loser It's a spiral my biggest fear is my girlfriend thinking I'm a little bitch, right? So I'm like hey, you're going out with your friends or you know fucking kiss one of them or something She was like all of a sudden she's like, yeah, you know what fucking maybe you suck But before she's like I'm going out with my friends. I'm like, oh have fun and she's like she goes out She's like, okay, my boyfriend's cool. Everything's cool. I'm not gonna cheat on him trust is very attractive

Yeah, and I'll tell you you know what you know, it's a big learning lesson is when you come up against jealousy yourself So if this guy he's a jealous guy. He's a jealous guy say say in a weird world this relationship doesn't work out He cut he dates someone else and that girl is a really jealous person He's gonna get some pretty big perspective on how that is to have it back at you. Yeah, which is the worst It's like, oh, why don't you trust me? To be jealous about anything you're you're ruining this. Yeah, here's my second thing second thing. Let's go There are people out there that that abuse that abuse your trust like there's people that make you I'm a very secure person, but there's people out there that would make me jealous

So they would make me kind of like second guess their things. It's little things. It's here and there right would make me go like What why that's like, but that's like their game, right? They want it's their game I mean relationship was yeah. Yeah, if like if I were a dating man, I'm not ladies. Sorry to break all your heart Some of your farts and some of your farts, but enjoy my tarts By the way, thanks for the tarts. Yeah, no problem. Those were amazing raspberry linser tart and did you like the lemon marmalade? The point is now that in my secure state because I've accomplished number one I can I can see the number two girls the poo poo girls who make me jealous

I can go I you not one of my time That's an element of something that I deem unworthy for my time All right If you're the type of person that's kind of like that like does these little things that well Yeah, that's a charity coming back where you're like, and I don't want it fuck this. I don't need this I'm better than that That doesn't necessarily answer this guy. I'm not telling this guy to be like, yo, did you go for it? She got a Nintendo 3ds, bro

I will say well you are you are helpful because it seems like he's resigned to the fact that he's jealous And it's like an affliction that he can't cure where he's like, yeah, I'm a jealous boyfriend. Listen. That's just who I am I'm an angry petty guy and that's what's gonna happen. Actually what Thomas says I think it's about perspective and I think that this guy I Wouldn't mind giving him a little bit of perspective here There is a dude out there that spent $200 on your girlfriend and he doesn't lose her. Yeah Yeah, he sucks. Yeah, what that dude did is go out and he was like, I'll never be able to fuck this girl I'm gonna spend money and give her like

Play the 3ds tell your girlfriend. This is hilarious I'm gonna play the 3ds and just like that 3ds is your 3ds. Okay, this dude make him eat shit It doesn't matter like he don't you cannot be worried about some dude that's out there buying gifts for your girlfriend and But but let me put a bud in there now, please as an adult Okay, I realized that my girlfriend has other friends, right friends from her life, right? And even if even it so say they're friends that we both share say they're friends that are only part of her life imagine If someone gave her a gift, I'd be like, man, that's so cool

Like what a cool thing that that person gave to you like if I wanted to give a girl like I have girlfriends that aren't my girlfriend Right, what if I wanted to give them a really nice birthday gift? I'm really close to them I want to give him a nice birthday gift. I don't want their boyfriend being like, hey, man Don't fucking give her Was you given the 3ds? I'm gonna fucking smash the basin. I feel like chill man. I've known her longer than you right something like that You know, that's true. You got to be chill Because everyone's friends and just because I buy her a thing like maybe picture it from that guy's view

It's because he buys her a thing doesn't mean I want to fuck her. I just like you know, I like I know that she likes Zelda She's got to play this thing Check it out. So in general be chill. Don't be jealous and trust your lady Right and the more jealous you are the more chill you have to be fake it just right into our podcast Don't say anything to the girl ever right because it's sort of like a spiral because the more jealous you are that your Girlfriend will cheat on you the bigger of a loser you are the more Prophecy that she cheats on you and in the end if she does you just have to be like well that was it I mean that was the thing right she if she cheats on you then you're you know what you were just like all right

Fuck this. I you are a victim. You didn't do anything wrong. That's it. That's fine It's an you know, that's a thing that will just that would have just happened Right, you're you're wishing and willing and spending all that emotional time Trying to make it not happen. It doesn't matter. It would happen anyway. That's option to Kick the shit out of this dude I think you break his teeth with the 3ds. Yeah, you say you want to play here's a game we can play Yeah, you're the boss at the end of the level and and I need to and you hit him really hard in the temple with the Console yeah, and then your girlfriend is so turned on by this this act of I swear to God

If you if you knock him out in one punch, it makes her wet I'm a little chubb just thinking about it right now Yeah, well, I was half hard when I walked into the room, but yeah Actually hasn't for quite some time. I gotta cut down on this whiskey So we usually take a break around this point this show is sponsored by better help Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that

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We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and Potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store. They have 24-7 live customer support email campaigns Data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life

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But they don't know the real you they don't know the real me. They don't know what's going down now that you're in Los Angeles We've made a pact to be buds. Yeah, I'm down. We're doing it. We're doing it after this. We're gonna go get a bite to eat We're gonna get dinner Three men One taco each for seven minutes and then we power walk three different directions away from each other without paying Yeah, well, I built in it. I built a night's an end table. I built a bedside table I built do some amateur friends your work. I saw it. I I saw it on Instagram. I saw what's your Instagram?

Oh, yeah for all for all my friends. Yeah on Twitter. It's at middle ditch Okay, and then on Instagram. It's at Tom beanie T. O. M. B. I and I I would do a middle dish But it's just it was taken. Yeah, I know what the fuck it was it was a great It was a great nightstand. It was like some some brushed brushed paint like just rest a little bit stained it and then I aged it Yeah, I'm pretty pleased it looks like it's like it's country chic Russ nice urban rust. It's like sort of a French a toe. Yeah Yeah, it's Leon it's nice. It's it's the countryside neon Bible

Post-nuvo reach pre post-modern Sort of do you feel it? Do you feel more proud of the furniture that you've made than being cast in an HBO show? I'm serious because I feel like I there's a chance that I would if I like built a if I built a table and somebody's like Hey, congrats on your on your pilot deal. I'd be like actually I built a table. Yeah Yeah, I feel like that is sort of like it's it says I am very happy with it this we were talking about this early I'm trying to cut down on video games speaking of 3ds right because when you're done with a video game You've just got a memory you've got a fleeting memory and look I'm still gonna always play nerd for life All that shit

But in the end like, you know cut it down and then you have then you do maybe some woodworking or some kind of thing at the end Of that you've got a physical thing. It's there in your apartment. Yeah, you'd like you basically created it out of nothing You almost like cheated life. It's like a hack. It's a game genie for life. Yeah, it's a game Build furniture. What is your HBO show the HBO show is called Silicon Valley and it's about you know Tech up starts that have a hot new algorithm and everybody wants it Yeah, but then they they got to figure out how they're gonna really provide and you're the star of the show I There is an ensemble

But at the same time you're at the very least at the at the one of the main guys in the on the algorithm is Is my character's brainchild, but it's very cool You're in the front. You're in the center of the Post if that poster that I showed you guys I might be in the center of five. It's hard. Is it hard? Are you like trying to not get so excited? But you're still excited. What's your mindset right now? The TV show comes out when April 6th April 6th right after fucking Game of Thrones and Veep. Oh my god, dude You're done. It's it. That's the crazy thing about this like this step for me is that like

It's such an unequivocal win to go from First of all for the writers to be like this is our idea to like this is yeah This is the show then to casting and then to like the pilot and it's getting picked up It's so insane just like the fact that your show is going to air is that's it That's the best thing ever and it's still like oh I've got to be a little bit tepid cuz like people might not like it or people might love it and then it might get second season or whatever But the fact that it didn't die when somebody pitched it. Yeah, it's so miraculous itself as a miracle to even shoot a pilot is like Miraculous and that's the other thing like if you I mean

I'm sure you've shot tons of pilots that are they were great and they just didn't get picked up So nobody ever gets to fucking see them. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that just goes into the ether Right and that's it, but this is like going to air. It's got a series order Yeah, you're gonna see eight episodes and it's only you showed me the poster. It's just five really really really funny people How is it not gonna be oh god that poster got me fucking amped. I didn't even know kumail was in it Yeah, kumail TJ Miller Martin star Zach Woods. These are these are some of the a handful of the people well that you know, it's crazy And this this is to get somber it's like it

It's it's it's literally a dream come true to be on a show with my friends. Yeah on HBO Yeah, the white whale of nice Directed and created by Mike judge Give us some money at King of the Ellen office space and and not see them And it's just like what like the head writer has done curb and Seinfeld insane It's not your part of it and now I'm part of it and if it doesn't you know if people to hate it Okay, bummer. Yeah, so I have to I have to go even if everyone hates it Like you've gone out on a win if the world ended right now everybody be like yeah middle-ditch went out on top

Too bad about the snokes Middle-ditch. He's on fire right now Literally, yeah, you know what guys help regardless of what happens I see doob's part four in your future at the very least You got a promise man You know what doob's is doob's I love doing doob's it's so funny. I love what comes out of it It's so fun because he's such an insane Yeah character

But I got there's like a weird love hate thing I have with the fans man It's like everything from the naturally on the doob saying it's like doob's hey penis all this stuff Like a picture like a really sweet picture of like me and my girlfriend the picture of your night stand It's nice or something or her nephew rather and like somebody be like hey penis Anthony. I'm like What are you doing? What are you doing? And we feel a little bad, but also proud Means is there they're excited, but like at the same time, you know time in place like Like they'll be a preview for this there's some tags And they'll be like doob's is here and it's like my name is Thomas middle-ditch

That's the big that's like the band that has like a whole album and there's just one like goofy song that I'm ween I wonder how much of it has to do with just the name the character name Character his names the concept of it and that's this is a you guys you guys came up with the idea of the idea of a guy called Penis Anthony doobly-nye But the thing that gets him is calling him doob's Now it's starting to become real because when they're yelling at you that on your Instagram

It's actually people People yell that to you on the street No, no one's yelled up. I haven't recognized from that, you know from from dudes, you know Like I'll be a comedy-fascism and like some you know, it'll be like a 16-year-old kid or something Man when we shot that when we shot that video we didn't we had no idea like how fucking funny it was gonna be And then we were editing it. We're just dying laughing. Yeah, we're like, please come back I even like the what this wasn't the last one not with Schwartz. It was the one before that yeah an outtakes real Dying and sweating from laughter

Was that the deep like where you threw the Oh my god, I fucking died. I love that Never matter Never matter empty award winner And like even on the one with Schwartz we did like outtakes and stuff that was that day because I get reminded I've seen I've rewatched them when I need to pick me up because they're so fun Oh, well, thank you of like, you know, we were doing all that like hey fatty burrito But on the outtakes it seems so random like what the fuck is that I'm I supposed to laugh at that but we

That's it. I love that cuz like nobody when we like post those videos Nobody knows how hard we crack up. Oh, yeah, like that's such a at the end of the day. You're exhausted. Yeah Your brain hurts, right? It's true. You're just you're empty. I can't even talk to people. It's like I do not have the energy for this Yeah, and the thing is whenever I'm tired The dupes character has to be so high energy that I'm like Jesus Where is he like getting this? You use that cadence for any other character that you do the sort of well Yeah, it's sort of like a Nickelodeon. Do you play a villain in a Nickelodeon movie? I didn't play of I didn't play a villain I just played the sort of like a guy who a sensitive guy who who befriended a child so not a villain at all

The opposite of no I hear That that voice has probably come out in all kinds of improv scenes, but no not an official character That is officially dudes that sweater. I bought at a secondhand store and I loved it and I like like it But now I can't wear it Amazing to see it like if a dupes fan saw you in public a nice shirt And there's a short shorts Yeah from the play from the one man next time Next time we hang out it'll be us three going on a hike you're wearing the sweater and the short shorts

like the other when you're The I think was the dupes too when you did the acting scene. It's a like you did some like genuinely Powerful performance. Yeah You're sitting at the end of the table like take your clothes off We're gonna make love tonight And the I killed her cuz I loved her like that's a bit a lot of those are bits that I've done outside of it But I'm like this will be great for this. I mean, that's it's it's crazy. Dupes is it's he's actually a good actor Well, that's like

Put the body down by the river is like it's a it's my it's been always been my bit of like if I ever get Like an Academy Award in life, right? It'll be supporting actor I'm the maniac right and this the scene they show for the clip will be like where'd you put the body, Ronnie? She just wouldn't shut up. Where'd you put the body? Yes, dude love that shit you're it's starting You're so funny that you're also just good at acting because you can do a character. That's really good at acting so well That means you're good at acting if you can do a really good Freddie Mercury singing impression. Yeah, you're just a good singer Well, that's kind

It's true, but it's kind it's kind it's kind Also for let me say this we're for your this this is like shameless promo stuff in September Look out for this movie for your fans. Look out for this movie called search party. It's like a big. Yes Yes, TJ Miller and Adam Pally from from happy everything Yeah, happy elements and now Mindy Mindy project, but uh, yeah, it's a big radar comedy I will be nude in it. Whoa frontal. Oh, you're peeing my pain What's your non jealous girlfriend have to say about that? She knows she's okay with that I met her on that show on that filming that movie. Oh, so it's all good. She gets it. She's in the biz

It's a real movie. You know Universal's put right like if you're doing self tapes for directors with your full frontal But then if it's like you're in a movie, it's fine. Don't worry, you know, I went in for some post and I Saw what they had are you at the ADR naked? I did I went I did some ADR and I saw the nudity because I was like Let me just see what you thinking of putting it in and you know, I'm no fast-bender, but yeah I was really nervous because I'm jumping around, you know, it's like Yeah, how do you have to at least you're at least conscious of the fact like I don't want a small dick in this scene Oh, yeah, which is possible. You like give yourself like a half-chub before you went up, you know

You don't have really have time like I'm covered in like fake cocaine stuff and like I'm underneath trucks and stuff Yeah, like occasionally Just keep it warm you just got to keep it warm rolling out a string of silly buddy. Oh Shit, oh no, I'm coming It always hurts It always has to that's acting that's how you know, you got a good squirt We're in a bit of a bind right now we usually like to have these go 45 minutes We're already over 45 minutes. We've only answered two questions, but it was a great episode

I don't know. Do you want to just rapid-fire it or do you want to see? Yeah? Let's do quick quick one more we can we can we can end it you make the call all right one more question really I don't I don't want people feel like we're getting short changed because it's such a good episode I'd hate to leave a sour taste in their mind All right mine, you know what this one is written by a British guy I think like you you should read it because oh you got the I feel like you can do a good funny British accent next so This one is written by give them a British name and then read that question. This is from Humphrey Tidsman Okay, Humphrey Tidsman writes. I'm writing you from jolly old England with quite a predicament. I've recently moistened a

Relatively long dry spell. We're talking Moses in the desert long with a complete and utter Tuppence. I'm punching well above my weight. We get along really this is unpunctuated This is totally unpunctuated. It's a run-on I'm punching well above my weight We get along really well with this female and we are currently in a friends with benefits situation But I would like to tie this girl down both metaphorically and Literally if you know what I mean, I like ropes and shit After a knife of beverages

Yes, she left she let it slip that getting her balloon not licked sends her wild Is this a thing? This is an action you know we got. Oh Humphrey I on the other hand have never enjoyed doing this as I feel it's degrading and this girl thinks less of me for eating where she shits and Having put off doing it as I would like this F's and with B situation To flourish into a relationship, right? Should I bite that brown bullet and swallow her arse or maintain my moral Stature and stick to a purely pink diet Call her back at your boy

Humphrey Humphrey titsman Wow, I can't believe we're gonna answer that question one time without you here reading it. Oh my god. That was fucking I made my life. I'm so conflicted by that. Well, would you eat a girl's butt if she really wanted you to? I Guess you'd have to I'm a very open guy. I take all comers in the bedroom, but I gotta be honest I don't want to put my tongue in a butthole because that's where the diseases are the poop. I'll put my dick in there I'll put my fingers. I'll put a lot of things in there. Just not your taste buds What if she's like I'll wash it. I'll scrub myself I mean if it's bone clean, what does it matter?

I would do it if it's bone clean or you can wrap your tongue in a saran wrap dude. Oh, I will fuck I I mean I wouldn't I I would I'm Trying to think of a girl's like who I've gone down on whose ass. I haven't licked Oh my god. I love licking it. I'm gonna turn down the podcast, baby. My mom listens here She listens to the podcast, but and I will say mom She does listen to me when I tell her to turn it off. Don't even turn it down There's not a lot left. So let's just turn off the podcast mom still a yard. He said you can't I will I will lick I lick ass all day. I love licking ass. That's my boy. I taught him. Well

Lick a butthole lick a butthole, dude. It is. Oh my god. I mean I'm I'm I'm I'm happy that there's a girl out there That's like I want that shit done to my butt. Yeah, and I feel for that guy like that's a weird Predictment that I'd probably be in of being like I want to do all kinds of things that but That's true I feel like I feel like maybe she just likes her butt to get attention and you don't necessarily have to lick her But but say hey about what how about when you're like eating around your you like drool you spit a little bit out Take some of the take some mom. You're definitely not listening take take some of her pussy juice instead of like

I Asshole with your with your middle finger. Yeah, she won't know that it's not your tongue. Yeah, Jake I want to know what okay now. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna ask you please so you're you're what do you do? How do you is that what you do you get you're just spitting out you clean it with spit if I'm if I'm going down in somebody If I'm like how do you how in your mind? You're not like there's poo particles. There's poo particles. I don't I don't care if there's I don't care. There's you here's the thing There's well, there's on us. There's poo particles. We have hairy asses we like shit There's like there there's there's single berries. We wipe our ass and then like

smears shit all up our ass crack There's shit where our asses are caked and shit all we do when we wipe is just Wipe our ass raw enough to the point where there's not like at least shit showing up on the toilet paper So we can convince ourselves that we're clean. I'm not arguing. This is girls That's my this is my case, but the girls don't have girls don't have hairy assles I mean, I clean they're they have like three hairs on an ass I've seen a hair. Have you seen it? I'll admit that I've seen a hairy ass But it's been they're few and far between true and I would love like I'll eat out a girl

And I'll hold her knees by her ears and just lick her from crack to lip. She's I know I know dude, this is not And to think we were gonna end it I think this wouldn't have existed. I really genuinely think you should you've had to have said that before I Lick her from crack to click. I'm all about getting nasty. I love the Nasty I know you do and I can sense that from you and I love it right now I love the nastiness. I want more nastiness always in my world. Yes, there's just a thing There's a gag reflex that won't allow you

Comes out of the butt. Oh, I love it. I like that. It's it's his private hole that no one's allowed access to Oh, I want to get it. I'll do it. I'll slap. I'll sping it So to answer this answer this guy's question. Yeah, oh Jake says go for it. Yeah, man I yeah, because I think he's like I don't want to do it. It's degrading. I don't Like that. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get this motherfucker to lick my ass. I'm gonna be I'm the best Oh, yeah, he's gonna fucking eat my asshole. She's just like, yo, I like it when my it tickles It feels good. Sure. I think and she likes you. She actually feels comfortable enough to ask you to do it It's like show it's like telling you her fetish, right? I think that's nice. I think it was intimate

I think you should do it if you like her I guess if you physically can you should go for it if you're like totally like in a gag and puke and like not be All about it. Maybe you can beat her you might feel good. Oh my god Yeah Let me rate it at oh god, this one's gonna be an rated E for explicit Not for everyone You well, I tell you Yeah, it's it. Well, yeah, let's nip that one in the bud. It's not degrading

She's asking you to do this thing and it's not a power move It's sort of just her being like this what this is what I like Yeah, I'll be comfortable enough to tell you what she likes Hopefully at one day you'll get to the point where you're like I like this and hopefully that person's not gonna be like What are you trying to do? You know like yes, and clearly questions. You're like, no, just do it. I like it So how is this negative for me? If you were that guy, would you do it? It depends entirely on this girl, but I Mean he's not got a lot going on his punctuation is

His spelling is a bit ferocious dramatically Fucking off very little to the imagination So if he's not if he's not had a while and it's like this is his look because there was a dry spell Yeah, like Moses in the desert. I Would say I mean fucking live adventurous He'd be doing something that I've never done and that's saying something so go for it. Yeah, it is. I love that What do you say? I say go for it too. I've never done it, but I guess all three of us telling you tell this dude to lick a

I would I this is I want more than ever. I want to follow up up on this and how sometimes people Hit us up afterwards and let us know how our advice panned out. Oh, no, I really want to know how this goes eat a razzle Let's see what happens. Are they really gonna grade us? It's gonna be on the midterm that was a perfect ending so it's been it ran long But it's one of our favorite episodes So thank you very much for even coming on this show and since we live in the same city We could do this again. Yes, exactly. And is there anything you want to leave everybody with anybody? Any any what sauce? I'm just you know, stay true to yourself

Which is a movie I'm in it's coming out Sorry me and Kevin Hart Your show when did your show come out April 6th HBO home box office It's not even TV its own box and people you've heard it here first because I bet they're gonna be blitzed with it Come March, you're not gonna be able to escape and you're gonna see so much about this startup because I feel like they really love it And they're gonna advertise this shit out of it and people are gonna watch the shit out of it. Hopefully. Yeah, please tune in So thanks again Thomas for coming on the show. Thank you We started the show with that cool rock rock rock hard rock hardly not rap, right?

Don't you think I forgot to mention that guy's name. It was Liam McCrae Liam McCrae and this last outro song is By a married couple. Whoa named Kyle and Bethany So if you guys want to submit your own questions or your own theme songs that email address again Is it fire you show at gmail.com? Sweet. Thanks so much for listening everyone. See you later You If I were you is from the front of a live audience