If I Were You - 61: Polyamory (with Josh Ruben)

Episode Date: February 13, 2014

Comedian/Actor/Friend Josh Ruben joins us for this BONUS Thursday episode to discuss moving out, marriage, and trendy restaurants.This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount -- zoo.mn/GPfH89See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

F*** yeah dude that she was tight. I'm rolling face from what I'm rolling face I popped a Molly pill I put in the water. I yeah, I actually crushed up moon rocks and snorted it So regardless of what that theme song was I was gonna roll my fucking face off. We have a guest here. Hey Josh Rubin in the house Monday, Lunes, Mirko-les Tunes Saturday, Domingo I'm in LA land. He never breaks this bit for an hour and a half doesn't break character

Meaning what? Hi, I'm Horatio Sands. I'm so happy to be with you guys. I can't believe we got you It's funny you live in New York We lived in New York for five months six months doing the show and then as soon as we moved to LA We can get you on the podcast and I moved in right across the street from you. You saw me in a snowstorm I was waiting on the corner trying to get a couch in my friend's car. It didn't fit I said, hey, I'd really like to do this shit man. I really want to be on your pod And then what happens? Why do you do it right then and there? Well, it was snowing. I had a girlfriend over and I couldn't get the couch in the damn car

This is what happens when I'm in LA. I can't stop talking like it's like just a little bit of Nicholson I feel every time I'm here. I just want to talk like this. Oh, this is great We do celebrity advice like can you can you believe it? We're here. This is if I were you we have Jack Nicholson With us and uh, yeah, what an honor. Would you believe it? I'm so damn old. I don't have to worry about STD Why why doesn't he have to worry? Well when you're 89,000 years old and a hundred movies in what's the difference? I guess I mean you still don't want herpes, right? Well, I guess it won't matter to me, but it'll matter that little sweet 23 year old I met up at townhouse in Venice aren't you on tinderjack Nicholson swipe right?

swipe left full hearts can't lose I swipe right for just about damn near anything and that's no joke Well, yeah, we're happy to have you and this is if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake and Usually it's just us two, but now we have a special guest a special guest. Have you heard the show before I? Have heard the show I listed my good friend Ben was on a few weeks ago, and you guys are talking about love and about it Life aids and love. Yeah, it's really Fucking I've always been half an hour talking about AIDS. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, that was a really weird episode I thought yeah, he just kept saying Bob way some Bob way and He cares about it. I kept talking about the red campaign through gap. He kept talking. Do you do a big words impression? Oh

No, okay, I kind of feel like it's up here Timmy That was good. That was really funny Come jerk don't let her come jerk. Wow. That's me. He's like a Jewish Robin Williams. Oh wait, isn't Robin Williams? No, no, no, I think his mom was a Christian scientist or as he called her a Christian Dior scientist Because she looked great and she didn't take medication. So I Love it. Oh, I don't want to answer questions. What's sorry? I just I don't even want to answer questions

I just want to like here. We can there is my favorite impression that Josh does It's not it was not bad, but my favorite one out of all the impressions that he's so good at I think my fear is when he does a seagull. Oh, yeah I knew when I came over here that I was gonna I was gonna do it and I tried there's some Some days it comes and so it's like today. It's like I'm like a little clogged up. I don't know. What is that? Maybe it's that the LA air. I'm trying It's such a funny thing man that like one little Fucking how are they working? We did and people are like that's that's what I'm known for seagull. It's amazing

God, it's not my titties. So how does the show work people email us at if I were you show at gmail.com They're in a sticky situation a difficult buying any device so they come to us for some odd reason We read these real emails from real people but give them fake names to preserve their anonymity and do our best Do you know help them out? I feel like you'd be pretty good at coming out was the best intro you've ever done really? Yeah, I think I repeat myself. I think you were you maybe a little bit But I feel like it felt so then it wasn't like you're rehearsing so then it wasn't the best No, cuz you did it without fear in your heart and I really sense that Well, you're stepping on my foot right now. Sorry about you're wearing thick clog and you're pressing that's a bit over

I don't want anyone home thinking I'm wearing clogs Obviously, I'm not wearing fucking clogs Josh, what's on my feet right now? Clorins Exactly, right there made from tree torn. Yeah, they're Clorins great and rain. They're not clogged They're much thicker like cedar Made a pure wood get a splinter every time walk around make a man out of your feet It's an old spice commercial

Hey, I'm my Isaiah Mustafa. Where's Clorins? Do you want to hop into it you want to get question number one, of course We need this is a dude who wrote us. So we need a name arm hair Michael son arm hair Michael Nice, which was your nickname in high school, right? Yeah, dude. I was kidding. No, that was fat faggot And that was just a teacher's The kids with the principal kids used to call me Like earthquake sounds. Oh my god. You're fat. Yeah. Yeah, my bully Rory cash every time I'd get off the short bus He go. Oh shit. Oh

shit And then I go home tell my mom she wrote him a letter once She wrote him a letter Because he gave me a welt with a rubber band and my mom said Joshua. What is that? And I said, oh, that's nothing No, no, no, what is it? It's not a bug bite. Well the bully on the bus He used a rubber band to give me a welt on my arm and the next morning when I'm waiting to get on the bus She hands me a letter to give to him The bully did you give it to him? I gave it to him

Obviously before I got off the bus at the end of that following day Everyone is reading it. What did it say? You'll never believe it. Well, she wrote this long He killed himself that night. That was that strong of all I know is the next morning Oh when I got off the bus I handed it to my bully. I said, this is from my mom Were you proud like good luck? This is from my mom You're in trouble. Was it just like, oh, I'm sorry my mom fricking told me to give it to you Oh, no, it was like it was it was definitely half It was just like it was like my voice was definitely fluttering but in my balls

I felt emasculated and like yeah, this is from my mom He's your mom and I like ran off the bus and the next morning He had a fucking letter for my mom He wrote her a letter. He wrote my mom a letter and it was like very articulate because my mom basically was like I've worked with a lot of children like you and I know you're probably coming from a difficult situation I was in administration. I taught special ed. Oh my god I worked with like kids at like a difficult, you know give it difficult school And I just I just would hate to have to contact anyone to you know

Take you away from your mom. Take you away from your parents or or better yet Tell your parents that you've you know, whatever like harassed my son and he wrote this very articulate letter apparent I wish I could remember Basically, it was like I apologize. We were just goofing off of course. I didn't mean it not my intention It was like a very he wrote it. I think he did. Yeah, I don't you want to tell his parents You want to tell his mom his dad probably is like, you know the the king from a radio flyer Fishing rod cost five dollars. God damn it. He's like Nelson from the Simpsons. I don't know what that is Yeah, you guys are you guys missed he did two ships passing in the night there

Chekovian miss it was the same exact sentiment. This is Russian theater here folks if I were you in Russian privy at cross aviates We're taking a question from arm hair Michelson. Let's do it Ready, mr. Michelson. Mr. Michelson Ridersons not related to Mads on Hannibal. Oh, okay So I'll get Anyway, I went to a party a close friend of mine was hosting and I was being my usual self to know in surprise There was a girl there who was all over me that night and who can blame her. I'm really funny I looked good and since this was a big gathering. I don't want to say I was the life of the party But I was certainly cooler than everyone else

I I ended up going on a date with this girl as a favorite of my friend and we had a good time She wanted to go all the way at the end, but I said maybe another time I I can tell she really likes me and this is what I was afraid of now I don't know what to do. She was funny smart has a great body The problem is her face is very average and thus I am not attracted to her I feel like my only mistake was being myself at the party. What should I do? Should I call her again? Love armchair Michelson. I Love it

Why this guy's such a an unapologetic douchebag? I don't even think he realizes it. It's cuz he's the life of the party and you are not and you're jealous of him No, I am him what I am the life of the party It is me So you think you're the life of the party you think you you this is in turn and this is not gonna turn on to them Not I'm not I'm not doing this. Okay. The answer is yes, of course. I Think it's douchey to I feel like he has a bad outlook on life. Yeah, that's what I feel like Okay, so what's your advice?

Well, would you do if he doesn't want her to like him we could if he sends us her info We'll forward hit we'll forward her the email that he wrote Yeah, and then we can see if this is actually true or not if this Good-looking guy was actually the life of the party and picked a picked a girl up and went on a date with him her Whoa No, I swear. What do you think? Well, I want to put a picture of this guy's face up on the tumbler And see what people think of him or up on social media and just sort of see what?

Social media has to say about him. Oh, you mean like for people to rate him Yeah, or on um, you know read it or one of these sort of social media sites, you know a daily pickle or Huff-Po comedy it is it's bad to have it's not bad to have high-health self-esteem Like that's nice. It's good that he thinks that he looked good at the party Yeah, it's good that he that he feels like people will like him. Yeah, that's the default. I think that's nice I think it's bad that he's taken it so far that he feels like Of course, everybody's gonna like him and oh, I was myself So someone fell in love with me and this girl is great except she's a little bit average

So she's definitely below me. Yeah, it sounds like she's great if she has a great body She's funny smart and has an average face that seems like a nine out of ten to average face to me Sounds like a plain Jane, which is you know makeup bliss and pale disgusting. I know I love that Yeah, plain face is so fucking sexy me a porcelain girl who washed her face with a rag and goes to bed at night Drinks a lot of milk and doesn't wear nail polish. I fucking love that And teeth yellow it yell over than a stick of butter Five foot two if not a foot never filled with the earwax never Steps to a tanning bed a day in her fucking life so so clear and porcelain white

She's almost translucent dates guys with man tits drink soy milk her dad's name is Lenny She doesn't know who her mom is so specific now, but I think I know exactly who you need She only has brothers all of which him. She's very close their name. They all took baths The names are Herschel Yonkel Tornell and Dornell Herschel Yonkel Tornell and Dornell all Tyler Perry characters And her dad's name is Lenny. That's your perfect girl It is it is I love a girl with it with an average with an average face a girl with an average face Ha ha. Oh, yeah, I want a girl. It looks like Garfunkel with a body like oh art

Oh, yeah, oh Garfunkel That's what it is. Yeah with a garb with his body of It's funny that we went to yeah, it's funny that we went to the Internet duo instead of the actual Singers yeah, it's cuz we're it. We're an internet duo and not legends. We are legends dude legends like Jessica Delfino rabbit So do we have actually any advice to tell this guy? We just wanted to call him an asshole

I think I just wanted to call him an asshole. If he doesn't like the girl you should I don't think you have to tell her you just It's the it's 2013 buddy. No, it's 2014. It's 2013 friend 14. So guess what? 2014 you uh, it's it's it's yeah I'm just worried that you're gonna know of the of the 2000s. No, no, no, no, no, and I think you really don't need to count it as the first It's 15. I would say I like how the 19 I would say you all you need to do is dodge a couple text Y2k didn't start until 2001 dodge a couple text and you're out you're out of the woods. I promise you 2013. This is your year Your year 2014 is the actual year Do you want to get to an actual question?

That wasn't an actual question. No, I mean like an actual question that like from a guy that we respect I mean from a person that we respect for Mark Ruffalo For somebody I was making a mere writing to you from the set of Age of Ultron feeling a little sad I think this one is from a lady. You got a lady name for us. Oh, yeah, that would be a lady cornbread of whale That was your Ben Schwartz impression again lady cornbread of whale Coush to it writes I have recently been introduced to the Polly Amory world I'm very unfamiliar with the whole thing, but I am slowly learning more I met this really great guy at a party with many other Polly people and we're really hitting it off

I am currently single, but he has a wife I am a little unsure about whether or not I should proceed with a relationship. I really like him He really likes me, but I know this will eventually come to an end since he lives in a different city than me And also the whole having a wife thing Should I stop analyzing and have some fun knowing that there could be a heartbreak at the end? Or should I get out now and save myself the trouble love Lady cornbread of walsh walesh walesh Polly Amory ever done it

Ever been in a Polly Amorous open relationship Jake Ah Yes, you have I've been in a Polly Amorous relationship The relationship was open and you're like we guys we can hook up with other people It was open and we could hook up with the five people in the relationship. It was like a like a team It was sort of like a team it was a little tribe of people it was like But you didn't hook up with anybody else in the tribe

I had well I had three girlfriends and a boyfriend Yeah, and the the rules were not very explicit from the get-go, so I never fully understood But I was sleeping with one of the girls right looking up with the other two Occasionally and the dude was completely on limits, but not really my thing so I didn't hook up with the dude But it quickly, you know jealousy crept in and then jealousy Hey jealousy Tonight I could tell

1970 Tennessee Tennessee Three passing ships You guys aren't even sink when I'm around I'm like Yoko have you ever been in a Polly Amorous open relationship? No, I I'm a small formerly fat hairy stout neurotic piece of shit I I if the thought of you know

If I first meet a girl and I'm interested in her and then she's talking to someone else. I'll feel betrayed I get so sensitive. I'm such a hopeless romantic weak of the empath June 30th. I'm a cancer you understand no Well, I feel things that I don't even think I'm supposed to feel I feel your feelings I feel your if someone's upset. I don't feel anything you dick you guys are the opposite you stole my feelings Oh my god, mr. Glass I Just have to ask you a question. This is unbreakable. Is that what this is correct? So you feel guilt over other people cheating on their Girlfriends. No, I think that's I think that was hyperbolic of me. I don't think I could ever be in a Polly Amorous

Well, actually never never say never right I could also imagine myself, you know like living the real sex nine life when I'm like 50 and going like an you know Swingers party. What about an open an open relationship? I yeah Well, I guess I guess it's sort of what's happening now Like I'm in this weird place where as a guy was a serial Monogamous now I'm you know kind of like seeing different people and you'll you'll get all kinds of judgment like oh You shouldn't be sleeping with you know rotation of right, you know people You know, I just don't want to really a close to anybody right now got out of relationship five months ago

I don't need a new one yet. So, you know, you sound like me Is that which is that what's going on with you see? No, it's totally different But your voice sounds a lot like mine when you said that that's what I meant by sounds like me. I'm totally different You're emotionally unavailable forever. Yeah, I was just like Josh loves intensely and he's like I'm not ready to love again and you were like You're you never loved in your life Yeah, it's better to have never loved and lost than to have never ever loved and never will love all those are the same thing Oh shit, that's not the literature. I know I was saying that I am sort of like that I also got out of a relationship last summer and now I'm not eager to get back into one

And would you even ever consider being in a polyamorous relationship? Does that just I guess it depends on the girl Like if I don't want to be exclusive with her then I guess I wouldn't mind it But I don't I wouldn't quantify it or qualify it as a relationship polyamory is also really weird because it's like alright We're polyamorous. We're gonna sleep with just these four people and that's kind of it. Well, is that what it is? Is that what it is? It's always like a rotating crew of the same five or is it like it's completely open as long as you don't There's different rules right and can you pick those people who picks them? What's yeah? I don't know. I mean when I did it was it was sort of like there was an existing couple and we were like Oh, let's all we should like all be a guy. I don't even fucking remember

But I was so high man. I was so high that day that I was in a polyamorous relationship It does seem like it seems like if you can handle it then I that I commended. I think it's healthy I actually do but it's not getting too deep before you know it. You're in LA and you're murdering Sharon Tate I just I think it's just strange there, but if but I think I could certainly see I feel like I'm doing the same thing We're just not all we don't there's no vocabulary for it. There's no calling it a polyamorous relation, right? It's just me dating. Yeah, I don't understand the whole like oh, they're in a relationship, but they're still dating other people It's like oh, so they're not why label it at that point Yeah, why don't you just that's what my I have a friend who the one who is still in this like polyamorous relationship, right?

And I like mentioned the other day. I was like, oh your boyfriend. He's not my boyfriend I was like, what are you talking about? It's like he's just my best friend who I fuck But like that's crazy. That's I mean, I think that's great But like she and him have like reached this second level of understanding yeah, they're operating like above Above consciousness for for me. Well, let's get back to this question and it seems like this girl's a little in deeper than us Because this guy has a wife

So that seems like a who's totally not down with polyamorous What was that rolling stones, but I guess sung by you know, you know, yeah That's what she sings right like a stereotypical Asian character from the 50s Because you play with The most racist version of that Rolling Stones song I'm glad we got to the bottom of it sung by fucking Tony Curtis and Tony Clifton You're setting some cottage cheese. I'm sorry, that's a rat. I saw the movie way too many times Yeah, you know, you can't fuck around people in a relationship. Come on

I mean, but when it's consummated with a ring. Yeah, that's a little weird when it's like not against the rules of polyamory I don't fucking know anything now. Oh shit We should qualify the entire podcast with that. I'm dumb But that leaves me to ask you gentlemen question We I mean would you do you think marriage is meant to be do you think we're coming out of this like this era where you know It was all like cultural standard to get married that you know People were told our parents were encouraged to find someone and now now we're in this like weird new place where right, you know Everyone's accessible and you know, yeah, you can swipe right for a new, you know, Mrs. Tonight or whatever

I guess marriage seemed to be it is a little it does seem a little old-fashioned, but it still is for some people Well to me, I will hear I um, I guess marriage to me I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it, but it's not necessarily about like finding committing to one person I just think that like raising a family isn't important, you know having kids bringing people in the world is really cool and I guess for Maybe there's a million different ways to do it, but I liked the way that I was brought up So I kind of want to have like a strong family that I can that I can Don't raise a little baby. Yeah, but yeah

And which we should tell you about is what I'm thinking too is like you had these You know, you had a mom and a dad who you looked up to you know showed each other they love each other Yeah, it was like state. That's what I want to I mean, I guess, you know, you all get there like I don't know I think you feel like when you hit a certain whatever like, you know Number you fit feel comfortable like having hung out with certain amount of people women whatever traveled then Yeah, you get ready for it or or do you find someone that's so good that it's better than your desire to be individual and Do whatever you want. We the three of us none of us know yet, right?

Cuz I used to think that it was like that I used to think like that like oh, yeah I mean, I remember I was 20. I was like when I'm 26 and that's when I'm gonna find a girl put a ring on her finger Have a kid by the time 28 now. I'm 28 and I'm like, uh, I Just keep on pushing it back putting it off. See I'm 30 now and I'm like, okay cool. I'm ready the next relationship I have I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing, but I'm telling myself, okay the next serious relationship I bet I have that's gonna be the one that's that's marriage. Well, you can't yeah when you start getting a little bit older You can't like you when you're in your 20s Stay in relationships for three four and five years that you don't want to marry the person

You don't have to like get that feeling and cut out really quickly, right? I had that fucking thing though where you know, we met this girl. I'm gonna marry that girl I'm gonna marry that girl. You know, it's great. It was hot. You know little volatile Whatever we moved in completely plateaued after two years after moving in. Oh, yeah Well, so what and I you talked to people like that and I guess just what happens you move in I don't want to move in with someone never like have sex again or you know not make an effort But but I guess like if you wait long enough then you move in and instead of plateauing you're like now We're like now since I'm 31. I've where we moved in and watch Netflix

I'm gonna propose to you though And then you're like planning a wedding and you can't really break up because it's fun to plan a wedding Yeah, and then after that you go on a honeymoon. So it's like oh, hey, we're still having fun And then you're like, oh, we're plateauing. We're plateauing. Wait. I'm pregnant And you're like, oh fuck this is gonna be an adventure and then you keep on going and then the Yeah, then you go to a polyamory party you need a 22 year old little Asian bitch and you're like, oh girl Why don't you come home with me? I'm into polyamory. I want to play Is the the Duchess of Cornbread of Welsh or whatever is she Asian because I imagine she is

I'll say yes, though. I have no idea in my mind. That's what I'm picturing here I so I think this goes back to what we were all saying before which is like if you're young I think it's worth having any interesting experiences Yeah, and maybe maybe if you're if polyamory is not what you're looking for and you don't think it's gonna be beneficial to you in the long run Don't do it. You touched on something very important I think my parents actually encourage me to pursue. They are each other's second marriages And they're very happy and they were like, don't get married Don't get married. My brother who got married like 23 has three kids now in a second wife. He goes, don't get married

Don't get married? Just like not yet. It's like not yet. Don't do it yet. Don't do it yet That's really interesting. My my parents got married insanely young 19 and 22. I Mean, dude, if they were married in 1922. Yeah 19 and one was 22 they drank they drank something Stephen King wrote about made them very young But also violent Yeah, man, who knows we don't know it does seem like what you're saying is dangerous Which means create life milestones so that your relationship doesn't get stale

No, I just think I don't think that that's like the reason but I think that happens naturally Oh, let's have a kid because we've been fighting that doesn't seem like a good idea. I didn't say that that's what you said No, you're like, oh, let's let's avoid the plateau by having kids and getting married and getting engaged and then oh We're done. I'm not saying that's to avoid the plateau. I just say that stuff happens naturally and I did voice the plateau No You just want me to be saying the other thing so you can disagree with me. Absolutely I So I feel like this girl might be Asian yeah Asian and if that's the case

No, no, I'm saying this if this girl's hesitant about it. Maybe she shouldn't pursue it It seems like polyamory is only for people that are really gung-ho and open and liberal and otherwise It seems like it's not gonna end well. I would say cut it out now. That's my advice if I were you I would not get involved with a man and it's polyamorous white or move to Utah, bitch Who's that? Why don't you move to Utah where you can be in a relationship with a bunch of fucking gold? Is this Jeff Daniels eating a god stopper? Oh, yeah, this is not Jeff Daniels Jeff Bridges eating a god stop Sounds like

Dumb and Dumber when he has his tongue on the pole. Oh, yeah, Lauren Holly. What are you doing these days? Oh, you know, you know, everybody's fucking names Good for man, this is why bullies make earthquake sounds my mom writes in a fucking letter for me Are you really fat? I wasn't that big. I was like a little I was like a little round boy Oh, you know, I was I was like the kid in the the fat kid with the rain slicker and in super 8 if I may equate it Yet another mildly obscure movie. What's his name? Miko Miko talented Miko Hughes. Yeah, correct

What was that movie with a little kid in Bruce Willis? It was a kid That wasn't me Haley Joel Austin was it wasn't it was just as Miko Hughes or something. Oh, that's actually yeah, there was He was a new nightmare the Freddy Krueger film He grew up to yeah, he was cute. Yeah, it was cute. Yeah, bullcut. He was like the new Danny From the shining Misses Torrance. There's a torrents around here a torrents museum Every time I drive past the the exit for torrents or signs for torrents I think it's just a museum with just pictures of that character from the shining. Yeah Unfortunately, it's just a museum in the city of torrents, California with a big flannel shirt on it. Yeah

The only LA city covered in a red flannel shirt, that's actually not true Silmar Silmar is covered in a red flannel shirt. Yeah, I heard those salt and sea actually looks like Haley Duvall You know what else I feel like you'd be good at this is like sort of our little break right now Is that coming up with names of pretentious restaurants in LA? Oh, yeah, um, have you been to uh, if you guys yeah I just you have to say it like I'm like in a pretentious mildly European model. Have you guys been to court? Because then when people ask you, you know, if you've been to court, what's like what's on the menu? It's all all sashimi, so it's just fish, but it's been left out for a day You sort of feel like by the end of it you've been asked to jury duty

And you have that nauseating feeling like you're gonna get picked. Really? Yeah. Wow. Also. There's another great one called Clevore It's like clever except all the waitresses are whores They walk around they proposition you and it's only only serve fried chicken like Hooters No Nothing like that. Everything's $45. Have you also been to Dorn Tana's? It's like Dan Tana's. It's all Italian It was founded by Michael Dorn who played wharf on a Star Trek If you remember correctly he was a wharf the Klingon in Star Trek again He found a Dorn Tana's same exact menu as Dan Tana's except James Woods does not come every night

Wow another good thing for a fancy restaurant is like noun and noun like that's a that's a good structure for a fancy restaurant Oh, yeah, like tub and pig Yeah, exactly Tub and pig where they just cut animals into into a tub and scoop It's on La Cienega and Fairfax. That's actually right. Yeah. Yeah 49 21 Fairfax It's really hard to get those streets are parallel so that the restaurant doesn't technically exist in LA But if you keep going down down for about the connect just near LA The the the road opens up and you can drive your car into into a hell hole

Stay tuned with John Ritter I'm full of it folks. This is why I'll never get married. Thanks. You just need to get married to someone who really likes IMDb Oh good Carlitaite from the other girl I Tate Josh is good with movies this show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and

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So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% Off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace Okay, get to the third question. Let's see here. All right. I need a I need a dude's name Jeff LeBow score Jeff LeBow score Right. Hey guys, I moved to my I moved into my girlfriend's parents house about three months ago

And I hate it here their family are slobs and they leave shit everywhere And my girlfriend and I seem to be fighting more and more I can afford to live on my own But how do I go about doing this? Her mom is really nice and started to like me even more She even bought me multivitamins and a birthday present Should I give them a few weeks notice and risk having the awkwardness between my girlfriend and I or should I just find a place to Live and take off ASAP any advice is needed and appreciated. Thank you God, what do you what is this guy doing? Is he like trying to go through, you know law school and Live next to the place where he's gonna work my nose is bleeding

Why why live at your girlfriend's parents house unless you're on 16 and pregnant I don't know why is he considering staying there because his girlfriend's mom bought him multivitamins Here take some Flintstones and bite him hard. Yeah, I was gonna move out, but fine. They're gammies. Give me Dino Give me Dino and I'll stay for a week. Oh you bet the head off of it. That's cute Should I hate you guys I can afford to not live here and you guys are slobs, but I just feel so bad you gave me vitamins Oh, I love these vitamins. Why do you keep doing the pinch my head thing like in kids in the hall? I Don't get any of these Perspective it plays with perspective. Yeah. Yeah, God what the get out get out of there

Does he want to break up with the girlfriend? No, he doesn't he just wants to know if he should Uh, how he should go about moving out or if he should go on Craigslist you find an apartment How about you go about growing some fucking balls? I don't think I'm sure that they don't want you there Yeah, that's another level of non-self-awareness. This guy thinks he his girlfriend's family will be a Seeing it someplace for free and they're feeding me. What do I do? Oh, not only am I feeding me But they're giving me all the necessary vitamins and nutrients. I wonder we in the vitamin form I feel like we haven't through all of these email submissions

I bet there's one from this from this kids mother-in-law. It's just like hey, there's there's this do there's this do nothing loser That's uh, I'm living with a real skull duggarest in my basement. Maybe they don't want you there either I would say you don't have to give them two weeks notice or four weeks notice You just have to get the fuck out. Well, you could just say like hey I'm gonna start looking for places and that's it. You don't feel like give them you don't say like hey I'm gone. Just be casual say but I gave you a multi vitamin and just tell them you appreciate it, too How dare you leave after I gave you vitamin a vitamin k vitamin b12 folic acid niacin riboflavin

Rhyamin Slowly poisoning everything has a bit of glass in it. What I put a little bit of fiberglass Professor Snape I put a little bit of fiberglass in your purse Yeah, well my girlfriend's dad is Alan Rickman He's a famous Broadway actor and was fucking Hans Gruber and he leaves a shit everywhere And the slob. He's a slob. I didn't ask you to live here I just love my daughter and want her to be happy. Sorry. There's a newspaper on the floor in the bathroom Is that yours sir? No, that's for the puppy leave it. I will not clean it up

I will not clean up the dogs also There's this this bowl with oatmeal just dried almost like crusted over cemented in the in the sink I like to eat my oatmeal crusty much like some people like to eat their chucks mix soggy Who does that? I used to actually I really like soggy cereal. I got a fucking thing. I don't Jake you with me Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah Mix it up almond milk make it I ain't no fucking hog my parents be cheesy cheesy for cheesy Jesus Jesus Kim Cadizias

Yeah Okay, keep herring yo, he's awareness. Oh my god Yeah, insane, I also like my cereal soggy. You just said checks mix So it sounded like a salty snack. Oh, right. I guess I meant checks. I'm sorry rice checks Accepting the Grammy for the song I actually meant it to be rice checks Oh horrible mic feedback just an insert on No doubt just looking around the room when completely disinterested

Just okay All right, Gwen. Okay It's not a funny with Taylor Swift. Yeah, yo, where's funny? Yo, shout out. Am I right? Yo, Gwen. Okay, the microphone feedback noise again. I Love doing that. It's my favorite sounds next to a That's pretty good. That's a real crack could be Polly Shore going heads to weasel or it could be oh fuck my ankle Polly Shore we just lost everyone but six people we just lost all the footage from this We just lost all the audio. All right. You want to get to one last question really quick. Let's do it Because I think we can I think we can I think we can think we can check. We need another lady's name. Oh

Ingrid horse I like that one. That's my favorite one. Yeah, Ingrid the horse. No, just Ingrid Horace writes Hey guys joining the Peace Corps or doctors without borders has always been a dream of mine And now that I'm in now that I'm graduating in May with my bachelor's in nursing science I guess I'm at the age where I should stop dreaming and start maybe doing something with my life that being said I applied and was accepted To a program called IV HQ to move to Ghana for three months and volunteer as a nurse. Here's the problem

I'm pretty poor the organization that I'm going through says that to fundraise I should make a go fund me website But I feel like that would be annoying to try to guilt my friends and family into donating money Is it selfish to ask people to help me to pay for this trip? Or is it more selfish to not try and have to back out of the volunteer work I was going to do because I can't afford my trip fees by myself. I'm torn all the best Ingrid horse All right. Well easy answer, right selfish bitch. What we call her selfish bitch for what asking for my money She wasn't so she can go on vacation

Actually, you know what I'd really like to go on a cruise to permutus, so I'm gonna make a go fund me website Yeah, why don't we do that? Why don't you go fund yourself? Yeah, you fund you bitch Fund you no man. Good karma. It's good Carmen. Good Carmen. Good comma. Good comma, comma, comma, comma, comma, come here So we're what are we gonna do we're gonna help her well, yeah, like this is the nicest girl That's ever emailed us we usually get a just a never-ending stream of assholes and losers rewind to the last question Who was I'm getting food and shelter and vitamins for free How do I tell my girlfriend's family to shove it up their ass and this girl is so poor? She can't even afford to volunteer in Africa wants to go

That's what's wrong with America and her problem is that she feels guilty asking for money You're the only person that that deserves money. Have you seen what projects are on go fund me Kickstarter and Indiegogo? They're much much much more selfish than anything you could be doing a lot of white people making their new watches Video games and board games and getting very much money for it. No one's saving kids. You don't have clean drinking water Go for it shouldn't feel bad about shit Yeah, and if you do go for it and create that go fund me page Why don't you send it to us and then we can have all of our fans who probably want to help you out right guys? Microphone feedback

Because if you don't fund you're gonna play You know, I don't know who's sponsoring this episode legal zoom legal zoom is gonna give us money for this episode Right, and we could give her some of that money Why don't we match all the money that she raises? Wow, you only have to raise half the money that you want and we'll match the rest of it I like that. So we'll whatever you get every dollar you get consider it, too. It's $4,000. Oh, okay, cuz I didn't really holy shit It's 80,000. I This is not illegal buying the contract. We have to cap it. We have to cap it. Let's get we're gonna cap

We should cap it at 25 bucks You can raise 25 I promise you bitch. We will match this is Jacob Amir versus Ingrid horse Day one All right, we're defending ourselves you're on her clearly this girl's a fucking loser Going to Ghana. What are you talking about? I object to you. I object to you order. Let's hear from Donald Rawlings. This is after all guide code Sorry court I'm just gonna get my MTV shows right So we can do that. Let's do it. That's really sweet of you guys. Well Josh. I figure you should

That's actually right. I'm actually I have my wits are comedy festival, which is prevents domestic violence and Fights human trafficking. Yeah, we could just divert some of those funds over to To this girl. Well, I mean, you know, I just feel like you know I feel like women who get you know hit a lot and and kids who get sold into sex trafficking should get You know, let's not get that taste too. I feel like they should get a little taste Hard to decide What Ingrid horse, please email us create that go fund me page

We want to help you get to Ghana your sister wasn't Ghana my sister wasn't Ghana and several months not gonna do it I think she found it to be a very difficult, but ultimately rewarding experience sounds boring to me Why don't we go to Disneyland or Sea World? No brought to you by Blackfish Uh, yeah, that's a that's good advice, right? It's not selfish. Let's help. Yeah. Yeah, make the thing make the thing go for it You're selfless. Yeah, you're better than 999 out of a thousand people. So the least you could do is take their money and do something good with it What are they going to spend it on maybe fund yourself in or sell?

That's our time. Oh my god guys. This was such a pleasure. Thank you so much. Thanks for having thank you on the show No, no, is there anything that you want to talk about before before we go anything that you want? Well, I kind of I kind of said it jokingly, but we you guys were part of the which saw comedy festival last year And which is another one of the most fun weekends of my last couple years, which is so fun awesome to be there Yeah, that's a good cause so we really do we we we fight the good fight against human trafficking and against domestic violence But we have fun doing it We go fun ourselves when we do it But yes, you should check out what's a comedy festival dot org or what's a comedy on Twitter

There it is you can help out and you can maybe go next year. Do you know when the dates are yes? It's the 19th 20th and 21st of September 2014. We are in the year. It's only a few months out If we're if we're alive, we should definitely go. We'd love for you to be there Maybe we could promote or screen an episode of your new show Oh Alright, thanks for coming on the show Josh if you guys out there have any questions email us at a fire you show at gmail.com Also, we're still accepting reviewing and considering and using theme song submissions each episode starts with a new beginning and ending one Very good very good. I'm here very very good. Well done that first one was written by Andy and John Joe

It was that cool rap song and this last one is written by another pair called kite and Low you can send those off to if I reuse show at gmail.com as well Thanks again, Josh and thanks to you guys for listening peace Really Oh That's it Thanks again to legal zoom.com visit legal zoom.com to save on your legal needs like wills for $69 LLCs for $99 plus filing fees and also get access to a network of legal plan attorneys for guidance

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