If I Were You - 62: Calling Fans

Episode Date: January 20, 2025

In this episode we talk to some listeners, and plan Amir's birthday.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations they swear! Second! Another podcast. Second! Each app different from the last. Second! It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes. Now let's meet your two emphatic hoes Just a second Oh yeah, baby! It's 2025, we're back in the same room, we threatened that we wouldn't release a video episode until we were in the same room.

And then it happened right away. And then you got on the next flight. In studio, in utero, we are twinning in this very room. So like, we are both within the same womb and the same room. Yeah, like this studio is a uterus and or a placenta or wait, where is the baby hanging out? Because the placenta is kind of feeding the baby. Is it in the uterus? I think I know the answer to this.

Okay. Let me just think. Your dad's a gyno. My dad's a rhino. Call your dad and let's ask him. uterus? I think I know the answer to this. Okay. Let me just think for a second. Your dad's a gyno, my dad's a rhino. Nice. Call your dad and let's ask him. He's probably fucking eating grass on the Saharan desert or some shit.

Or is it a zoo? Or is it a zoom? Nice. That we're no longer on. This is segments, a segmented podcast. And since we're in the same room, I thought it would be fun to try our technical difficulty that we kind of failed at a few episodes ago.

Oh yes, we failed at it because they couldn't hear me. Yeah, I could talk to them. You were the middle man. We tried to call people. Yeah, we tried to call our fans. I would hear them. You, they couldn't hear you. I could hear them though.

But you could hear them. So it was an interesting, I thought that actually made for an interesting format that That's not really been done. Yeah, it's like a middleman interview Yeah, exactly. So you could talk to them and then I would relay what you said to them Yeah, it would talk to you and you could hear that right it was Sort of like a one-way mirror for one of us three. It was like I was mad at them So they're talking to me, but I was talking to them through you like so what about like a one-way mirror for one of us three. It was like I was mad at them. So they're talking to me, but I was talking to them through you.

So what about like a blind date where only one person is blindfolded? Oh, that's kind of, well, that's, I feel like that's a- So you show up with a- It conveys a misunderstanding of what a blind date is. You show up having had. Right.

With a fucking, a blindfold on. Yeah. They can see you, but they can't see your eyes, which is kind of like the window to the soul. So they don't really see you. And then you can talk to them and you can hear their voice and then they can judge you. What if they can't hear you, but they can see you?

And you can hear them, but you can't see them. So it's sort of a hear no evil, see no evil dating show. I actually really like you and I hosting a segment style dating show where every episode is a brand new dating game. Okay, so that's just one of them. Yeah, that's one of them. But that took me two years to think about.

You've been thinking about it a lot. Yes. You've been brain-turning that out. The way it came out was like, I was trying to figure it out on the spot, but it's highly scripted out like a ten-pager. Well, maybe we just run through any of your rough drafts or something. Yeah.

Well, I had the wheel idea, remember? What was the wheel idea? Two Ferris wheels, but horizontal, and as they rotate, you meet somebody new, and then you can hop onto their wheel. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's called Wheelie Wheelie Interesting. I'm wheelie into you. Yeah, and you can decide whether to hop onto their little pod

or stay on your wheel. And the cool thing is once enough people pair off, there's an imbalance in your wheel. So the remaining single people will fall to their death. Yes, exactly. And they die alone. Which is sort of the metaphor for dating anyway. Oh, the name could be you're wheelie gonna die alone. Which is sort of the metaphor for dating anyway. Oh, the name could be you're really gonna die alone.

Are you really gonna die alone? Question mark. Because then it's like as you're going around and people pair it up, you see somebody like, well, I'm not really that into them, but I don't wanna die alone. So you like are gonna hop in. It's like a Beast Games style dating show

where there's like a psychological edge to it. Although it'd be funny if the like one pod had like this fucking orgy happening. Everybody's on it except for one guy on the other wheel. They don't, they sort of shoe him off. Like we don't need you right now. Yeah, we really don't need you. We really don't.

Well, that's an idea for a separate day. Right now we're gonna be calling fans, friends, foes, and- Ex-lovers. Ex-lovers. We did a call to calls. We called out for phone numbers so that we can call people. Casey was able to figure out the technical aspect

of us hearing them and them hearing us. Good on you, Case. We're hoping this works out. Casey's on the case. Do people say that a lot? No, no one ever says that. Really? Wow.

Case Donahue. Okay, so I'm gonna- Donahue's on the case? Casey's on the case, right? Okay. Sorry, one second. It's kind of like Donahue's on first or something. Yeah.

It isn't. Okay, so I'm gonna give you this phone number. We'll bleep it out, hopefully, so that not everybody can call this person. Yeah, one second. Okay, so I'm gonna give you this phone number. We'll bleep it out hopefully so that not everybody can call this person. Yeah, one second. Okay, one second. This is easy, we can just vamp. This is what most people can't do,

which is figure out how to fill in the dead silence. It's kind of like entertaining. Yeah. Interesting banter, but not necessarily something that'll last for too long. Right, and sometimes you don't even know that the person is vamping. Like Casey behind there would be like, you know, vamp.

Oh yeah, and I could be like, oh, one more thing. Right, yeah. Oh, and for everybody listening at home, yada yada yada. I'm nervous. I don't know what to say right now. Now I'm on the spot. Yeah. I'm like, we're scared to even be here. I almost have stage fright.

All right, you're good. Oh, we're back. Whew. So we cut out an hour and a half of dead time right now. But we are back. Everything seems to be working. So let's call Kelsey. We'll just say Kelsey for now.

Sure. Okay. Casey, you want this phone number? Yeah. Four, two, three. Beep. Beep. All right, let's see if this works All right, let's see if this works.

Okay, let's see if this works. Are you gonna talk or you want me to? You do it because they haven't been able to hear you yet. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, kind of a momentous occasion. This is huge. Yeah, for me and Kelsey. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

can't hear it ringing if that's happening. I can't hear it ringing either. Okay, okay, that's good. Again, back to vamping. So another fun thing. Hello? They should give you. Oh, in the news, in the news this week.

Oh. Hello. Oh my God, I'm so. Kelsey. Oh my goodness, hi. You've won a chance to speak with Jake and Amir. You're on with Blumenfeld. That is awesome. I've had the weirdest day today.

I'm 24 weeks pregnant and my doctor was not kind to me today and so I'm so happy. Oh my God. What does he do? Hang up, hang up. What happened? No, don't, no. No, he was fine.

I just am emotional and pregnant and how dare he. Yeah, absolutely. Let's conference him in. Is this your OB? No, no. I'm sorry. and pregnant and how dare he. But he's fine. Yeah, absolutely. Let's conference him in. Is this your OB? No, no. I'm sorry. Is this your OB? Yeah, I have to see everybody in the practice.

There's a bunch of people in the practice and so I have to see everybody in case he's on call when I give birth. I see. Just so I know him, but I won't see him again. Is this your first? Yes. Oh my God, I remember my first. No, I won't see him again. Is this your first? Yes. Oh my God, I remember my first.

No, you don't have any kids, I do. Oh yeah, what do you think about the 24 week mark? 24 weeks, let's try to remember what's happening. What's full term again? Nevermind. So where do you live? I hear an accent. Yeah, I live in Southeast Tennessee.

Wow. Like a new gay area. Oh my gosh, that's fun. Very fun. And you think your doctor would be sort of used to dealing with pregnant women by now? What you think? Yeah, I think that he's been in practice for a really long time. I think he's just jaded. Yeah, probably too long.

Too long. Well, they say practice makes perfect. So maybe at the end of his career, he'll finally be able to talk to people without stressing them out. Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl? Does it matter? I'm having a boy. Yeah I was gonna say a boy. Let's think of names right? Do you have a name picked out? We can help. We do have a name but you can guess. Let's see if we can beat it. Let's call your name the leader in the clubhouse and see if I can get to a place where somehow that name finishes second. And what's the vibe that you're looking for?

Do you want to be like a sweet little tenderhearted boy? Jewish. Do you want him to be a dashing heartthrob? Biblical. Badass, renegade. Fantasy football. Strong man. Commissioners, style.

We felt like it needed to be like a strong, solid name. A name like solid as a rock. Like rock. Like rocky. Oh, or yeah, what about something after a rock? Yeah, like Sandy. But Sandy's not really a rock, like rock. Like rocky. Oh, or yeah, what about something after a rock? Yeah, like sandy. But the sandy's not really a rock. Well, it's like when sand gets eroded. Sandy rock?

Yeah, but that's what's strong about sand. It's been eroded, it's broken down. But it's nothing, it's powder. But like when you put it together, it's a brick. What about fucking iceberg? What about, oh, Rick? Rick, because you can't spell brick without Rick. Rick, there you go. There you you go or it's the number one choice at this point.

Well, I'll talk to my husband about it. We're pretty sure about the name. Are we being cooler to you than the doctor was? Yes. What did the doctor say to you that was so nasty? Anything better. What did he do? What did he say? Can you? Honestly, the water was on the floor, that was so nasty. So anything's better. Well, I got, what did he do? What did he say?

Can you tell us? He, no, he just was rough with, I was like, okay, well, it doesn't seem like I'm allowed to ask questions. So thank you, I'll see someone else. Wow, it doesn't seem like I can, and he's like, yeah, it doesn't seem like that. That's what I'm trying to tell you. So you just have to be sure to not go into labor

when he's on call, right? Truly, well, he was like, you have to have a C-section. I said, no, I don't. And I said, the baby is normal. All my labs are normal. Why do you think that? And he said, well, what if you have a nine pound baby? And I was like, well, what if I don't?

I don't know what to say. Yeah. What if you have a nine pound rock hard bad ass baby? Rick. Whoa. It sounds like he's not a doctor. Well, what if you have a nine pound baby? How do I give birth to that? It sounds like he's a nervous doctor. Well, what if you have a nine pound baby? How do I give birth to that?

It sounds like he's a nervous husband. What if I do? What's average? I don't know, you're the doctor. Yeah, like nine pound is not so big, honestly. You were, Amir, you were half a pound when you were born, right? I came out.

You were the size of an almond. The size and smell of an almond The smell of an almond they said I it was Mars Capone in the delivery room if you can believe that Do you know how much you weight? I don't I Assume normal ish cuz I didn't hear anything seven eight ish pounds. Yeah, exactly Do you know remember what your daughter was weight wise? I'm pretty sure, this is crazy, I really should know. I think it was 8.2 ounces. 8.2 ounces? That's a filet mignon.

8 pounds 2 ounces. My doctor would have been like, oh, she's obese. Yeah, it's gotta be a C-section at that point. I think it was, sounds like you get paid more for C-sections, you keep trying to. Yes, they get paid more for C-sections. You keep trying to, well no, they can schedule them. Yeah, they're churning me out. They can stack.

That's what they want. Yeah, as soon as he said that I was like, yeah, we'll see. He's got an angle. I'm not scheduling anything. He's got an angle. I once saw my dad perform a C-section because he's an OB-GYN and I was working in his office and he's like, you wanna see a birth?

And I said, yeah, sure. And I was holding the camera, I guess the dad wanted the whole thing to be documented, I don't know why. Yeah. From that angle, from down below? Yes, exactly. He's like, I will be with my wife's top half

reassuring her and if you can just wear this hospital mask and then record. Was it shoulder cam? It was a VHS 1988. I was five. No, it was like one of those like Sony handy cams that I can hold. And it was so intense that I got like lightheaded and I had to leave the room.

Cause like they basically, you know. Didn't the nurse who was helping with the delivery need to go and help you because you were sick? Yes, exactly. Like, oh, you're spanking. And then the mom's like, what happened to the baby? He's like, and my dad's like, no, no, not your baby, my baby, my baby fainted.

My baby is not well. He's like, I gotta go. My baby is having problems. Although I guess, you know, C-sections or regular vaginal births are both very intense. So I might've overreacted to either one. Probably, probably. 24 weeks means you are two thirds of the way there?

Almost, my third trimester, yeah. Wow. What's the due date? May 6th. That's a good birthday. Oh wow, that's just before my daughter's birthday. When's yours, Jemma's? Yeah, my husband's hoping for May 5th, so we can celebrate.

So good a mile. Oh yeah. That's cool. Oh, what for May 5th so we can celebrate. So we can go to Mayo? Oh yeah, that's cool. Oh, what about May 4th and you'll have a nerdy ass Star Wars baby? Oh, if you get the fifth. We talked about that too. Really? 5525 is a really good birthday.

Isn't that such, man, what a square number. I love it so much. Five times five is 25. Oh my God, it's perfect. It's fate. Congratulations and mausel toe. Five, six, 25 is terrible. Horrible.

Five, four, 25 worth. Undoable. Yeah. Do you want to tell us the name or it's a secret? Don't know, that's a secret. Oh. Oh, fine, no, if you want to tell us, you can tell us. We're naming him Samson J.

Wow. We're not gonna beat that. That is fucking bad ass. In fact, call me Samson J. I think your New Testament maybe you guys would get it. Yeah, we got to. But. Isn't Samson in the Old Testament?

I mean, Old Testament. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got the hair, the long hair. Your name could have been Samson, but instead it's Shmuel, not even Samuel. Yeah, well, Shmuel is Hebrew for Samuel, so in theory it's Samson. Yeah, Samson is like Shemshon or something.

It's a different word entirely. Are you concerned with Homer Simpson's full name being Homer J. Simpson, and this child's name being Samson J. Homer? Your last name is Homer, right? Oh, yeah, Homer. How'd you? I saw it on Instagram, so I figured I would just flag it.

I will have to tell Jake that my husband, that although we are- Your husband is named Jake? Not the, Jake, yes. That's insane. It's a great name, wow. Wow. Samson?

I knew when I met him, I was like, oh my gosh, you have to meet my other friend Jake and Amir. Thank you. Well now we are friends. And he almost divorced you. Yeah. Would you call him Sammy or Sam? And then it's like, oh, it's not short for Samuel,

it's short for Samson. Yeah, so we really like SJ, like just using the initials. That's good. SJ is sweet, it's fast. Doesn't it sound fast? Well, that's what we said, it's very sport, like maybe we could sport the name, yeah. SJ, for sure.

But his last name is not J, right? No, his middle name is J. No, his middle name, so his middle name is my husband's right? No, his middle name is Jay. No, his middle name. So his middle name is my husband's late father's first name. Cool. So it's like family name. Got it. Yeah, our last name is Nicole.

Okay, SJN. Yeah, but you call him SJ. It's gonna be hard for us to beat Sampson, unfortunately. I feel like. Does Sampson need, before we let you go, does Sampson need a godfather? Sure. Sure, or yes.

That's a really solid uncle, but yeah, sure. Wow, all right. Yeah, I would be really honored, thank you. I'm sort of more of an uncle, so I think I'll stay as a god uncle if that's possible. Or a g gun cool. Yeah I wouldn't be a gun. Yeah, I think gunkle might be already taken by another People but okay and your and Jake's actually first order of business is to call and chew out this OB

Gyno that made you feel like I'm gonna give him a c-section made you feel like an absolute. I'm gonna give him a C-section. I'll fucking gut him like a fish. We just all show up. Holy shit, there's a baby in there. No wonder he was so into this idea. It finally adds up. Jake's on third shift, so as soon as I get home today,

he'll wake up and he's gonna hear it all. That's awesome, great. I'm gonna let him sleep comfortably for now. That's really nice of you. He appreciates it. So do we. Thank you so much for answering the call and you did great.

Oh my God, thanks for calling. And good luck. What a great time around to a day. Maybe we'll talk to you after May 5th, May 6th and we'll see how everything went. Let us know what happens. Yeah, I'll send you the registry. Oh, you should.

That's really nice. Send it to our old If I were you show Gmail. OK, all right. Bye for now. Thank you. Bye bye. That was an absolute bust. I hated that talking about it. It was probably the most interesting conversation

that has ever been had on the podcast. Really? What about the one where I was coming up with Gemma's wheel of like the dating game where it was like those two like wheels. I sent an email about it. And it was like basically like figuring out who to join on your side. I thought that was more interesting

than that sort of but no, convo about naming a child. How do you not remember? I sent an email. Did you fucking archive it? Should I check my email for how much? If it wasn't 8.2, you're officially a bad dad. Bad dad. Bad to the bone.

Wow, wow, wow. She was 4 pounds 6 ounces. That's not true. I only see one year, a birthday party for a one year old Gemma. Wow, good for us. We invited you. How much does she weigh now is the real question.

Oh, I mean, no. I don't care what she was. She feels like she weighs 30 pounds. Oh, because of the wind chill? She's 50 but feels like 30. Oh, because of the windchill? Yeah. She's 50 but feels like 30. It's because of the flailing. Okay, should we try calling somebody else?

Yeah, let's do it. How long was that call? About nine minutes. Nine minutes, okay, let's call somebody else. All right, 540. do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Hello? What's up, Will? What's going on? Not much. Chillin' man, what are you doing? I'm fine, I'm at work. Yeah. Hoping nobody can hear me right now.

Same, I'm at work too. What's going on? Good shit. What are you working at, man? What are you working at? I do a little corporate finance. Oh my God, you're fucking rich. What kind of money are you moving around?

What are the amounts? What are we playing with? I can tell you it's in the range of about a thousand times more than I've ever seen. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Oh my god, you're fucking rich. What kind of money are you moving around? What are the amounts? What are we playing with? I can tell you it's in the range of about a thousand times more than my income is. Wow. What do I have to do? That's the fucking problem, isn't it? Would you manage my wealth?

It's a big problem. Absolutely. He didn't even say he wasn't in wealth management. He just said he works in corporate finance. Yeah, but he knows his shit. Well, I did study wealth management. It was a pivot. Really?

Shit. How do I get cash? What floor of the building are you on right now? All right, don't tell anybody this, but four. Oh, okay. Well. Wow. That's really low. You transferred to your management? But I'm moving to 13 tomorrow. Are you really? Holy shit. Good shit, wow. That's really low. Transfer to your head, but I'm moving to 13 tomorrow.

Are you really shit? Shit will 13 wait downtown. What city? DC. Come on. Fourth floor of DC. We, well, actually there's a lot of, there's a lot of big business in there. A lot of, a lot of corporate lobbies, a lot of money moving through DC right now.

What should I be buying, selling and shorting? All I can tell you is that, you know, I worked for a costar who owns apartments.com buy as much as you can. Please real estate. I'm hoping to get maybe a referral bonus if I can get you to buy now. Interesting. What can I get in a studio apartment in what's it fucking called? Adams Hill or some shit? I'm trying to buy 12 doors in downtown Detroit for $9. Whitewash a building and then gouge the rent.

That's really good. Is that legal sir? That's a good way to do it. Yes, exactly. You know, I can't legally tell you the answer to that's really good. Is that legal? That's a good way to do it. Yes, exactly. You know, I can't legally tell you the answer that but yes. That's really cool. What's going on on floor 13 that you can't do on floor 4? Just new building. That's cool. You know, gotta keep the tax payments down so you gotta buy some stuff from now on again. Are you like in a classic office cubicles? Sorry about that passive loss, right? Excuse me, I'm talking to Will about how to shelter your money

from prying little Jews like you. Jake is correct. Yes, yes. Is there a way I could become a 1099 employee and write off my gasoline? Hello? Yeah, I mean, I could kinda, we could kinda do a sublet style where you can

have part of mine. That's really good. Get me down to a cool 35k a year. Yeah, yeah, we're losing money. These are tax write-offs, right? Of course. And if we lose your job for you, technically that's a loss. You can write that off. Yeah. Because you just got fired. Sure. I'm on the 13th. And I will be. And you're staying on four. Four floors. Four and seven floors ago. Forever. You're not moving up because there's a glass ceiling and there's a brick floor. Okay. We've grilled, Will, we've really grilled you a lot. Do you have a question for us before we let you go? I mean, my first question was, when are you coming to DC for the live show?

Because the city really needs a win. That's true, actually. We've done Chicago, we've done New York, we did Philly. Philly, yeah. Yeah. I think DC and Toronto are the big two left. Right, or DC and Boston. What about Inauguration Day?

We show up at the joint, and we sort of do like a counter party. Right. Like a protest. Not really a protest as much as a fundraiser for the new president. Oh, right. Yeah, because we sort of Zuckerberg style

have to start kissing the ring. Yeah, it'd be really funny if we met her so little for us to to start kissing the ring. Yeah, it'd be really funny. Yeah. We matter so little for us to try and kiss the ring. I'd like some FaceTime with the president. I'm gonna do a $15 a head podcast dinner. I'll be renting a studio at Mar-a-Lago for a fortnight. Do you know Will? This is me talking to Jared Kushner.

He's on the fourth floor. Spilling a drink on Ivanka. No, but that's a good reminder. We have to. We need to come to DC. I think maybe in the springtime when the weather gets a little chilly, is it cold down there? It's horrible. It's freezing. Really? Yeah, so we should wait.

Are you from DC? I'm not. I'm from Roanoke, Virginia. Okay, so that area. Yeah. Are you a Washington Commanders fan? You know, people, since I got here in July, a lot of people have been trying to convert me, but I'm all about the Ravens.

I see, but they're also in the playoffs, so that'll be a fun, what if that's the Super Bowl, Ravens, Commanders? Amazing, I would love that. Same, if that happens, you have to fly me out to go to the Super Bowl with you. What? I'll put $50,000 on the Ravens.

And if I lose, that is a loss. I can write that off. Technically write that right at all. Yeah, everything's a tax question and a liability. We're basically two liabilities for you. Okay, cool. Get back to work for you. Um, okay, cool. Well, back to work, sir. Thanks a lot. Well, all right.

I appreciate it guys. Yeah, of course. We appreciate you. Bye. Yeah. I think we learned a lot. Yeah. These are two very different will in DC corporate finance, correct.

Kelsey, Tennessee, 24 weeks pregnant. I mean, wow. And it's funny to think that like there's a world where obviously this is probably not gonna happen, but Kelsey gives birth to Will. No, right? But like basically like you have this child

and you think it's gonna be in your image, but maybe one day you'll just move to DC and work in corporate finance. Right. All the time you spent raising a boy and it just comes out a fucking dud like that. Oh, it was great. It was great.

And yeah, well you think about like, because the time zones are all so different, we just might have called Kelsey and it could have been 28 years ago where she was. She could have been given, she could be giving. But what if, what if we're, what if we are breaking the time, like the multiverse, the continuum, the black hole of it all. We are talking to Kelsey in the past.

Yeah, because I brought up the Ravens. She's like, what is the Ravens? Because I think they were still the Browns then. Yeah, like that's really fascinating. That's interesting to hear and to talk about. And maybe the next call. And she, and you said commanders and she was like, no, the team in DC is actually has a much more offensive name. Which is kind of woke by her to be like offended by that in the early 90s. I feel like that people didn't really think like that yet.

Yeah, yeah. For whatever reason. Cleveland hat, TC jacket. Fucking a giant F you, woke libs. All right, let's take a break, thank some sponsors and come back. Maybe we'll talk to more people. Why not?

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Wow, you memorized that? Easy. That's awesome. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you. All right, we're back. Yes. We rarely get to do this,

so why don't we just keep the good times rolling? Yeah, let's do it. Roll calls, baby. Exactly. This is like us sort of trying to use cold leads and maybe we can try to sell them something. Oh, that's a good idea. Let's call Miki, 203.

Connecticut, you kidding me? Oh yeah. Fake number. She's ghosting me. Hello? Miki, do you love me? Yeah. Oh, Miki, you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind. Hey, Miki.

Hello? What's going on? Hello? Do we pronounce your name right? Is it even Miki? What? Sorry. Obviously, we apologize.

What's the freaking? Hello? Do we pronounce your name right? Is it even meekie? What? Sorry, obviously we apologize. What is, hello? You're talking to Jake and Amir, what's your name? What is this? Is this, wait. Hello, hello, hi. Hello, hello, hi.

It's Jake and Amir, did you intend for us to call you or is someone pranking the three of us? No, I just didn't think you would call me, hello. And it says here, like you just posted your phone number. So it was like, you were like, all right, I'll try this. And then like two minutes later, we called you. Yeah. And you're in Connecticut, I noticed.

I'm in, well, I'm in New York, but I'm from Greenwich, yeah. From Greenwich. I know Jake, you're from New Haven. Indeed, indeed. And I live in New York. Yeah. Where in the city are you? I'm in Bournemouth, Brooklyn.

Very cool. And you are married. So why don't you relax a little bit? I'm curious, we have some very projections. No, Jake is married. I'm not coming on to anybody. I guess you're single or something because Jake sniffed it out.

I didn't, no I didn't. Are you single? Oh my God, are you really asking? I'm asking if, well you brought it up. Are you single, Miki? Wait. Miki. Oh my gosh, I'm so flattered.

I wouldn't want to break up your marriage, but I am in love with Jake, so. Miki, my friend, what is your actual name? Your Instagram says Miki, but is it Miki? It's Micaela. But you go by Miki, my friend. What is your actual name? Your Instagram says Miki, but is it Miki? It's Mikala. But you go by Miki. It's Danish. I think you guys like Denmark too, yeah.

I've been listening to you guys for years. You're fucking Jake's soulmate. He loves Danishes. I have a daughter. I have a daughter. Who I actually just took to Denmark. Miki, have you ever been to Denmark? Yeah, I have. I actually have an in with Copenhagen.

You have an in? Wait, do you also have a golden doodle? It looks like I'm on your Instagram now. Let me see this Instagram. Oh my gosh, they're on my Instagram. Wait guys, I've DM'd you. You don't answer my DM. Wow, that looks like my dog.

What's your dog's name? Oh my gosh, you have a weeden, it's Winnie. Oh my gosh, a doodle in fucking Connecticut. No, it's not a doodle. It's a curly haired doodle. It's a Wheaton Terrier. It's a Wheaton Terrier, thank you Jake. Oh my gosh, we are so late.

Yes, you did DM us once, December 12th, armchair expert stole Schwimmer's Ear on the Lisa Kudrow episode. What? What? Did you see this? I needed you to know, I DMed all your channels. They said Schwimmer's Ear, yeah,

and I was like, that guy stole that, I know he stole that. That's so fucked. Wait, who said it, was it Lisa or was it Dax? It was Rob, the producer. He definitely like snuck it in and thought nobody would know, but I knew. Rob robbed you.

And I had to tell you. I mean, there's a world where Rob, the producer, listens to our podcast, right? We do really well with podcasters. He definitely, he definitely, Yeah. But you have that moment with Kudrow. It's hard not to throw that fucking,

the ad-o-boy. I know, I know. Well, she wasn't even there. They did it after she left, I think. So it wasn't even like- Oh, wow. He didn't have the courage. It was just a cheap shot at Jake and I couldn't let it slide. And then did it do well when he brought it up?

He's a billionaire now. Oh my God, he sold it in the Zoom. What? Kudrow must've paid him a million dollars an episode for it. Where even one season of that show would give him a net profit of 26 fucking million. Mikala, do you have a question for either Amir or I? It could be for me.

Oh my gosh. Shoot. Oh my gosh, I didn't know this is what I was signing up for. Oh my gosh. Shoot. Oh my gosh, I didn't know this is what I was signing up for. I'm sorry. That's okay. You don't have to have a question, it's fine. Okay, wait, Jake, question. Okay, so where are the single guys

in their 30s hanging out in Williamsburg or in Brooklyn? Oh. Where can I go? I don't have very many single friends, but I have one single friend who I think is the most eligible bachelor in New York City. Oh, Scary Darrell? Scary Darrell. He's six foot nine, he doesn't talk,

and he's not left or right handed. He's sharpened his teeth into fangs. He's non-dexterous and angry all the time. You can catch him bounding on all fours over the Williamsburg Bridge at midnight. No, and he, my friend Andy, single Andy, goes to, I believe it's called the Palace in Greenpoint next to McGorlick Park.

The Palace in Greenpoint. Yeah. That sounds like a club. It's like one of the, no, I think it's like one of those old Polish establishments that has now been surrounded by hipsters, but they have a huge dance floor and I hear the music, it's really good. Who's Andy?

The guy that I went to, we went on a cycling trip to Scotland, you've met him actually. He watches Tottenham games with us. Andy? Yeah. All right, Mickey, why don't we just put you in touch with Andy directly, I'd hate for you to go to a Polish club.

I'll send you his Instagram. Okay, no, you send him my Instagram. Oh, that's awesome. Even better. That's really cool, it's already working. Yeah. Do you work in New York, or are you just out and about today? Yeah, no, I work in New York, I'm in advertising.

Classic, cool. I mean you just, you got it all, you figured it out. What kind of accounts are you running in advertising and are they buying podcast ads or is it more of like a TV digital print? What's, you know? TV digital print, all of it. I'm a brand strategist.

Why don't we get you a gumball username and password? Why don't we get Marty in on this? Well, let's get Marty in now. That way he can sell you to help you help me. No, sell you, sell me. Help you, sell me. Self help more like sale help. Better help.

Better help. Does that make sense? I would love to work on better help, but yeah. Who's your biggest brand and what are they worth cash to me? This is all proprietary information and- That's good, that was not bad. We'll sign an NDA.

That was a test. You've passed. And now we'll pass your email to Andy, to Marty. We can help you financially, we can help you physically. Emotionally. Did you do Pilates? Jake's an instructor at this point.

You guys sound like when people would like drunk calls. Yes, yes, exactly. Yes, we have high school giggling boy energy for sure. Yes, you do. That's why I watch you guys. Thank you. All right, cool.

We have to let you go, but we'll send you Andy's Instagram. Okay, thanks. See you soon, thank you. All right, bye. Bye. That was a fucking disaster. Are you having a bad time?

What's going on? Miki didn't bring the Hiki. Yes, she did. We got so much great information from her. You liked it. I thought that was really interesting. I thought that was interesting. Let's try Aaron.

All right. 704 area code. All right. 704 area code. S. I might give Aaron the silent treatment. That's really good. Sell me this pen. Nice. This guy seems like a fucking deviant. Hello, Aaron. Yo, yo, yo. Oh, my gosh. the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the Wow, private Aaron. I assume it's like graffiti and shit. Yeah, dude. Are you fucking Banksy, Aaron? No. Dude, first of all, how are you? Second of all, where are you? And how do you do it?

I am good. I am at the University of Texas, Austin. Absolutely, look, I'm horns for that. Horns, horns down. Horns down for that, okay, nevermind. I didn't realize that you were just on a tour. You haven't committed yet. No, I go to a different university.

Just touring the hospitality spaces. Oh, interesting. You're in hospitality? Yeah. Very cool. What's the top hotel in Austin? Four Seasons. Good man. Good, very good. the top hotel in Austin? Four seasons. Good man.

Good, very good. I want you to put me in the biggest suite on the tallest floor. The presidential suite. And Aaron. They have a suite, they have a suite that's like three rooms combined and it has like a huge patio as well. I want that suite. It has a soaking tub. It has a steam room

It has a chocolate on the pillow butler's pantry I Want to use my Marriott Bonvoy points to book that sweet for one find out you have a Marriott Bonvoy account when you're trying to check into the four seasons, they will not let you stay there when you're trying to check into the four seasons, they will not let you stay there, okay? That's like fucking trying to show your spirit, air, frequent flyer mile card when you're flying private. Do you know what I'm saying?

You don't know shit about hotels. You don't know shit about Jake is really holding my wrist really hard right now. He's firmly digging in. You couldn't handle the four seasons. You couldn't handle one season. Welcome to the three seasons. Wait, where do you go to school then?

When I was a kid, I stayed out of four seasons, but it was the number four seasons. So instead of F-O-U-R, it was four seasons. Is this like the four seasons landscaping thing all over again? Pretty much, yeah. So do you go to a different Texas school? No, I go to a school in New York.

Oh wow, another New Yorker. Good shit. What school? New school, Eugene Lang? Cornell. Cornell? Oh my God, I didn't realize I was talking to an Ivy League grad.

Jake, stand down and stand back. I went to Yale. I went to Yale. You fucking lived near Yale. You lived in New Haven, that counts. grad Jake stand down and stand back I went to Yale I went to Yale you fucking lived near Yale. You lived in New Haven that counts. That absolutely absorbed a lot of. What was I'm just, I probably shouldn't have given you my number. I gave it like the worst time possible. No, no, you should have. No, he's doing something.

You need to go, don't you? Yes, I do need to go. You called me when I was in the bathroom. And then my boss walked in. He just fired you from Cornell. Now you're going to have to go to Boston. because you called me when I was in the bathroom when my boss was there. He just fired you from Cornell. Now you're gonna have to go to Binghamton to graduate. Yeah, and you'll be working at the number four seasons there.

Oh my gosh. All right, we'll let you go, but thank you for trusting us. Yeah, thanks for the call, Aaron. Well, yeah, you can follow me on Instagram and see what the private life is like. Good man. Hell yeah. Can I do a quick shout out to my friends? Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. Come on. For 50 bucks. Where's your hospitality, man? Venmo me. All right, do it. Zell only. Shout out to Warren and Addison.

I was the only two people that would hear that. All my other friends hate you. Love you guys. Zell only. Shout out to Lauren and Addison. I was the only two people that would hear that. So, love you guys. Gonna make fans for years now. That's awesome. Thanks man. And thanks Lauren and Addison.

Good shit. All right, see you later, man. Shout out. Appreciate it. That was awful. I hate talking to people. Like, I just feel so aggravated. Like that was just for friendly people that like us.

Yeah. But I feel nothing. Right, exactly. I might as well have been yelling at myself in a mirror. Yeah. Which I do do. Which you do do. Which I do do twice.

Which I do do while I do do. All right, I think that went well. Yeah, it was fun. All things considered. I had a great time. Yes, maybe we can bring that back next time where I'm in New York or you're in LA again. Yeah, for sure.

You should move to New York. All right, let's take a break. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode. Exactly. Jake, what do you want your 2025 to be? You know, every January brings you 365 blank pages waiting to be filled. Ooh, I'm ready to write my story. And you don't necessarily want to give up so quickly.

And one of the best resolutions you can have is to take care of your mental health. And one of the best ways to do that is to talk to a therapist, a professionally licensed therapist. That's right. Get that inner light shining folks. I use therapy and I find it very, very helpful. BetterHelp makes that therapy really easy because BetterHelp is fully online,

making therapy affordable, convenient, and it serves five million people worldwide. Damn, yeah I found that you, I mean, no offense, you used to be like such a piece of shit and I feel like therapy has really helped. You're like, you're to be like such a piece of shit. And I feel like therapy has really helped. You're like, you're not as much of a piece of shit these days, so. Oh, well, I was, I think I've been taking therapy

for longer than that. So I think for when you thought I was a piece of shit, I was- You might've been- Working on myself. I was just trying to give you a compliment. Well, you can access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists

with a wide range of specialties. So regardless of what's ailing you, there's somebody for you and you can easily switch therapists at any time with no additional cost. Exactly. So write your story with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash segments today

to get 10% off your first month. Hey, not bad. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash segments. Segments, folks. Thank you again, betterhelp. Thanks. Thank you to Quip for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Finally, an electric toothbrush that doesn't overcomplicate the most basic daily ritual. Jake, I have here in my hand the Quip 360. I can see that. Let's see the reveal on this brush. I can see that let's let's see the reveal on this brush. I mean just the design alone of the holder looks like a gosh darn futuristic Apple product. Look at this. Love to toss that in my Dopp kit. Oh my god. Are you kidding me? Gorgeous. This is what I imagined the

future of toothbrush technology to look like when I was a child and it's finally here. Yes. I mean we love oral hygiene more than the next person. We're even on that water pick grind. I use the Quip water pick and I actually really love it. It's the top of the line. So if you want to impress your dental hygienist next time you get a tooth cleaning. And who doesn't? Check out that Quip brush at getquipquip.com. Exactly. And you'll even get the opportunity to subscribe to refill heads by mail every three months.

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Oh, actually. There you go. Yeah. Wow, a lot can't fricking remember. It's important to replace those heads, folks. Oh, actually. There you go. Yeah. Wow, quite a plaque on your teeth. Are you using that brush at all? I've never used this one specifically. That's why I'm getting such a deep clean the first time. And you can experience it for yourself.

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["Handsome"] All right, we're back. Yeah. Recording this on Wednesday, January 15th? Yeah. So my birthday is Saturday, the 18th of January. Right on. You're not gonna on Wednesday, January 15th? Yeah. So my birthday is Saturday, the 18th of January. Right on. You're not gonna be in LA.

You're leaving, you timed your flight to leave right before my birthday. I'm leaving just before your birthday, yeah. I don't wanna be here for that. I haven't been able to plan, organize anything, cause I don't know if you heard, but there's a lot of- Yeah, there's some drama.

Yes, there's a lot of tragic drama happening in LA. So now it's like three days before my birthday, I's some drama. Yes, there's a lot of tragic drama happening in LA. So now it's like, three days before my birthday, I have nothing planned. What do you think one should do for his 42nd birthday? It doesn't seem like a monumental event. It's not really anything, but you don't wanna not mark it. Exactly.

Do I just go to a dinner? Do I see a movie? Like, how would you play that? I feel like what you need to do and what the city needs right now, they don't necessarily need people going out to restaurants, going out to bars, because, you know, resources are spread thin.

You're gonna want to host. Oh. Host a party. You're gonna want to have your friends and family over. Because how often does your dad hang out with Avi Tal's friend? It hasn't been since the wedding, you know? So I think we're gonna have a not intimate dinner

because it's gonna ultimately be 20 to 40 people. This doesn't seem like a fun way to party. It seems like a stressful event. It's all of your friends. All of your friends at your home, and you'll cook a meal. You have to cook for them? That seems like a huge responsibility.

I don't think you need it catered, because you're not trying to break the bank on catering, right? It would be expensive. Yeah, I think why not cook something like a paella? A paella for 40. Yeah, because you get one of thoseella for 40. Yeah. On my birthday. Well you'd get one of those huge pan things.

Yeah. And I just sort of set that up outside. Paella, a pinata, a sort of a. A kinsanera themed. And you have a little gown. I think there's something fun about, I think you hosting actually is what you should do. Okay. I will put that as a number two option right now, because

hosting doesn't spark joy. Right. What's number one option then? I will, I was hoping you'd provide a different alternate route. A different one than I think maybe an intimate dinner with, with like two or three best friends. Yeah. And then best friends. Yeah. And then one parent.

Yes. So my mom. It would be, it would be Ofer. It would be Rami. It would be my mom. Avital there? No. Dinner for four.

One parent, two high school friends. That's right. No Avital. I don't know, going out to like a nice dinner doesn't feel as birthday to me as hosting. Yeah, you really want me to host. I think you should host. But hosting is a stress unto its own.

No, not on your birthday, because everyone's gonna forgive everything. You don't have to throw a nice party. You just be like, hey, I ordered a bunch of pizza or I made a bunch of paella. And you're just gonna come over, hang out in my living room. Is there a sports game on on Saturday night? I bet there's a playoff game, right?

Yeah, a lot of NFL playoffs happen. There you go. So host. I'm not gonna host. Host a playoff watch party, say it's not a birthday. What about a sports bar for the- No. What about-

What about- That's lazy and that's not good enough. What about you host a football party? It's watching the playoffs and oh yeah, it's my birthday. But nobody's putting the pressure on you to host for your birthday. If I come over to watch a football game, then I might even order my own.

Why are you looking at your phone? I wanna see what the game is. You're trying to see if the episode's almost over, if we can stop talking about this because you don't wanna host. No, I just wanna see if it's a good game if we can stop talking about this, because you don't want to host. No, I just want to see if it's a good game, because if it's a stupid game, like I'm not inviting friends over for fucking Rams eagles, you know?

That's an LA team, that's a great game. That's Sunday. Okay, Saturday night is commanders, we were talking about them earlier, at Detroit. That's a great game. Sure, that's a great game. That's a great game, and you know Aaron's gonna be watching it at Detroit. That's a great game. Sure. That's a great game. That's a great game. And you know Aaron's gonna be watching it at home.

Aaron. I think it's Aaron. The one that was the guy from the corporate finance in DC. Oh, that was Will. Yeah. That was Will, but Aaron might be watching it too. Yeah, cause he just struck me as a football fan in general. So that's my pitch.

Host. With a roast. A pothole. So you make rump roast for 40 and people watch football, crowding around 40 people around a couch that fits four. Potluck. Very nice.

Oh, you could also do it here. Oh, a headgum party. Yeah. At headgum, right? So inviting people to the office. Yeah. To watch a football game. And, right? So inviting people to the office. Yeah. To watch a football game. And then you get like Anya to plan it.

Anya, why don't you fucking plan my party? Oh right, tell her it's a live stream. Tell her when she gets here she'll know. Well no, there might actually be a live stream. What if you did a live stream for your birthday, but that will result in Anya having to play on your whole party? That sounds really mean.

For sure to Anya. Yeah, but what if I don't invite anybody else? So it's me and Anya watching a football game. Live stream, yeah. And it could be a live stream. That's cool, and you'll get to order food on the company's dime. Yes, exactly.

I can always use the American Express if they flag it in some way. It's just like, it was my birthday. Yeah. And it was a live stream. I had to get barbeque plus rice. I wanted to get a bowl from Sweet Greens on my birthday. And Anil wanted to share sauce.

So we ended up saving money. Is that not good enough? All right, there's something there. By the time this episode comes out, well, I'll have done whatever it is. Yeah, so you'll let us know what it was. Yeah, it might be football themed. It might be at a place, but I don't think it's hosting.

Oh, another option. I just drove by the Vista, the movie theater in Los Feliz. Oh, and you can rent out the theater and play a movie? No, you can't rent out the theater, at least not that I know of, but they're showing Tommy Boy on my birthday. That's cool. One of my favorite movies, The Wrinkle,

is it's showing at 10 a.m. Kind of weird. A matinee. Not really a birthday vibe. No, not at all. I really think you should host, and you can watch Tommy Boy at your house. I've already seen it.

All right. Tommy likey. Tommy want wingy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fat guy in a little coat. All right, well, something to think about.

Yeah. Okay, end of episode. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Thank you for the phone numbers. That's right. Shout out to everybody who trusted us with their really personal information.

Always. I hope we end up bleeping those numbers. We'll see. We should. And we'll be back next week. We're recording one more time in the studio, so we'll be back on the YouTubes next week. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

And check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash JAA. That's right, we talked to Ty, who played the girlfriend in the Girlfriend series. That's right, Ty, AKA, Lorana. Correct, huge fan favorite, so you can check that out on our Patreon now, patreon.com slash J.A. And we'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Bye.

That was a Hidgum Original. Hey, it's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps? Hey, it's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps? Fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups? Girl, same. Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me, the podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less

at dating. Each week, I get real with comedians, friends, and celebrities about their love lives. We swap dating horror stories, awkward hookups, and dive into the messy and wonderful world of relationships. I've chatted with amazing guests like Conan O'Brien, Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, Trixie Mattel, Tiffany Haddish, and so many more. So whether you're single, mingling, or boot up, there's something in it for everyone. Tune into Why Won't You Date Me with Me, Nicole Byer, and discover insights that might

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