If I Were You - 62: Phone Thief

Episode Date: February 17, 2014

In this episode we discuss cafeteria crushes, Counting Crows, and terrible teachers...This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the easiest, best, most affordable way to build your own website: bit.ly/17DIXqWSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I'm head over heels in love with you I'm head over heels obsessed with you too I love you so much, do you love me? I love you so much, please say you love me I love you so much, if I were you Take care of me, and you, you, you I was a beautiful boy Unoriginal, black luster, and I think it wasn't quite as good as the original

but we appreciate the effort of course turn your your garbage trash rubbish that's that's into a well organized I think beautiful violin I think when I when I had lived that song out of my fucking dick for no reason I think it showed some kind of prodigal musical genius and oh all the sudden she she she bites off my steeze you a song without even changing the goddamn melody I'll say that I all coward piece of shit you giant genius piece of beauty is what you meant to say just now I am Mozart and Josh Groban rolled into one spray painted your diarrhea gold and you're looking down on her I honestly I think I

don't remember exactly how it went but I think I home to that string of company well no you didn't I will say I've written two two songs on this podcast the intro which people have been biting off of for years at this point cleaning fixing help and now lately this second masterpiece a love song so a love song for the ages I would say it's weird you retroactively ruined her beautiful song she did as much as she could you turned it into such a beautiful right dude so thank you Liz for composing that yeah thank you Liz it was based on a song that you made up in one of our previous episodes I forget which one but it was

you know it was enjoyable even if you hadn't heard the original that's the beauty of a great cover that's true have you ever heard a cover and then you're like oh this song is amazing and then it's like oh it's actually based on a different song yeah I like the cover better yeah Nirvana the man who sold the world who's the original by David Bowie oh interesting mine is a newfound glory glory was it glory of love did they do newfound was it newfound glory yeah I think they did GGGG do I am the man who will fight for your honor actually the original Peter Satter versions pretty good too you have a newfound good had a

bunch of great covers though back in the day back when I just thought they were a great band I didn't realize they were just using other people's songs it's like there was always something there to remind me that was a newfound glory but there was a like a great punk cover that song the lemon has Mr. Robinson yeah oh the 99 red balloons the oh yeah the punk version punk version I forget who did it though and then there was also the English version of the German song it doesn't matter hey welcome to if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir and I'm Jake and we're in Nashville Tennessee

coming at you live okay it's never live it's never live we have a show tomorrow so oh it's actually today if you're listening to this on Monday yeah if you're listening to this and you're in Nashville we're gonna be at Zany's comedy club tonight 7 p.m. doors are at 7 that shows that people stop listening I think I do think advertising like if I hear that voice I'd like okay I can check out your Pavlovian responses to stop paying attention hey if you're coming to Zany's bye bye bye forever forget it no we will be at Zany's comedy will be there so it'd be great to see you we'll hang out after

Nationals fun and then tomorrow and Tuesday we'll be in Charlotte and Wednesday we'll be in Syracuse but enough about that what are we doing here now we're recording an advice podcast so how does it work why don't you tell us motherfucker oh I'm gonna stare at you while you do it to holy shit yeah you are insecure about that doing it the blast you just blew up and I haven't even done anything taking my pants off I'm getting comfortable on this bed right this is if I were you how does it work basically Amir and I take questions from you guys our listeners you're in sticky situations life problems conundrums and we do

our best to advise you out of these didn't stick the landing to advise you out of these these predicaments that's the word that email is if I were you show at gmail.com so send your problems and your original theme songs over there so since we're in Tennessee I thought it'd be fun to give these real emails from real people fake names of Tennessee based celebrities no so let's say this first one came from someone a female named Reese Witherspoon that's right miss witherspoon herself is Ryan Philippi herself herself writes hey guys here's my problem my phone got taken away from me

from one of my friends what happened was that in biology class we had a sub and I let him use my phone because he's got broken for a while and I let him use it a couple times before he admired my phone and wanted to get it but he never had enough cash so I gave him my phone and he asked me if I if he could use it for his last class he told me to meet up with him after school and he stood me up I knew that I would get it back the next day but he didn't come to class for the past two days and now we have a long weekend from family day I haven't told anyone except my friends and they tease this shit out of me here's my question

how do I get my phone back love Reese Witherspoon Reese no yeah I would make I would make fun of you too Reese got robbed did she say her substitute teacher stole her phone the sub I read that wrong I can't tell if the sub took it or her friend took it or her friend is a substitute teacher yeah or like they I don't know I guess we had a sub and I let him use my phone because he's got broken for a while yeah right a substitute teacher robbed you is that legal that's definitely illegal that's so funny it's like why would you ever I don't understand why people are letting anybody use their phone in any

situation like I can be I don't even feel comfortable when somebody is like when I'm in my car and someone's like here I'll do I'll do directions like fucking thanks but use your shit ass we both have ways and I don't see why my phone has to be the navigational phone I like to feel it vibrated my pocket it yes we comforted it's like when I ask you for what time it is you squeeze your phone against your chest and peer at it really subtly and be like 550 kg like an animal ever just show me the screen yeah it's private I got a lot of secrets on there so this substitute poor substitute teacher who borrowed this girl's phone and

then just didn't and then I heard it how do you steal a phone anyway it's like oh I got a new phone this phone number is I guess somebody else's phone number but it's my phone now how do you even admire a phone I don't understand that what kind of phone did he have it was so shitty that he admired a phone he had a crazier he had a crazier head she had a chocolate crazier an iPhone 2s it didn't even matter it was just so much better than the crazier he couldn't believe there was email on it and this is actual so this is just real mail or I'll figure it out this is not so can I borrow this from a day everybody get out

your Bunsen burners I am I'm gonna download Tinder sir I think you have my phone I have my phone I promise now sit down are you fail today I think he skips town on this three-day weekend unfortunately he's got an extra day to pack now sister sorry Reese but he's on a greyhound bus straight out of West Virginia or wherever it sounds like you're from that nobody that people are just jacking phones that are mildly nice needless to say this family day is gonna be one for you to remember what is family day I don't know cool so what should this girl do tell your parents yeah tell on him yeah you got to be a

tattletale in this in this instance I think you have to tell principal or a teacher that a sub stole your phone yeah oh yeah that's what you do go to a person of authority and I don't know why you even told your friends because of course they're gonna make fun of you I feel like the principal is gonna crack up the principal yeah the print so what happened well you know mr. Wallace the substitute teacher he I let him use my phone for a day and he never came back well she was Reese here I'll get the phone back the principal falls in love with it I don't know I really admire this phone so so yeah I think it's I

think it's mine you're expelled what yeah I'm keeping the phone as a evidence for what for freaking flappy bird flappy wings we should download flappy bird we haven't ever played it I know it's all the rage through so yeah that's our advice if I were you I would tell an adult tell an adult not a friend there you go friends will make fun of you that's what friends are for yep for good times bad times I'll make fun and laugh forever more that's what friends are oh tight very tight that's right all right question number two yeah Ken we need another let's uh let's say a guy's name Elvis Presley mr. Presley himself

for himself the king of pop let's do it no he's who's what is he oh just the king yeah he's just the king yeah that's great he has a better title than Michael Jackson for sure so Elvis is like I'm the king and then Michael Jackson like I'm the king of pop fine that I'll be the king if I take a title that's so inconsequential no one will bug me about it everyone else is just the king of stuff and Elvis is just the king period so the king yeah I'm the king of buying snickers at stopping shop fine I'm the king I had not it buying snickers from the line when you're checking out at stopping shop I think Prince got the second best nickname

definitely I'm alright hey guys me and my girlfriend don't believe in all this romantic crap but we still cuddle and snuggle etc we both believe that people shouldn't expect a response if you tell someone you love them but a couple times she has pulled me up for not saying I love you back when she said it to me but now I've noticed that when I say to her she shrugs it off I've said it twice when I've hugged her and she kind of starts a conversation over me when I phoned her up last night she was on her own I again said it and she she kind of blew me off like I stated before I don't expect to hear I love you back but it

bothers me that she's cutting me off or blatantly trying to cover the fact that I'm saying it what advice can you give should I just let it go or speak to her about it thank you Elvis Elvis what a weird fucking question Elvis you're insecure I don't give a shit about the romantic crap that being said when I say I love you my girlfriend cuts me off and changed the subject always obviously I don't care about fucking lovey-dovey feelings and shit we like to cuddle it's snuggle and she gets mad when I don't say I love you and now I say it back and she cuts me off and that irks me yeah she's changed the subject or some shit so

I'll be like I love you and she'll be like would you have her dinner and I'll be like I had I had spaghetti but did you hear what I said and she's like I had spaghetti and I loved it almost as much as I love you and which is to I die she started a different conversation so what happened with that I like how the look minor detail of when I phoned her up last night as she was on her own I again said it who are you with nobody I love you so did you want to hang out to now have you ever said I love you and then not hurt it back I'm sure maybe not like not like the first time or the third time but like later on in life do I

tell you for a long time what my dad used to say back when we'd say I love you thank you he said thank you for your love was he being sarcastic or was that I think it made him a little uncomfortable so like sometimes you would just I got a lot of love for my dad I know he's got love for me but he had a tough time saying I love you so he said I love you and he would say thank you for your life and then sometimes you say I love you and he would just not say anything sometimes you'd say bye and then like every once in a while because he when he he's a little more loving with the triplets of course and my

sister so so he would say he would be like every once in a while he would accidentally call me sweetie or honey and I would hear the shower running I wouldn't say I wouldn't say anything but I would just take it because it was like the best I was gonna get like what are you all right bye sweetie and you just catch himself but not correct all right goodbye sweetie just the sound of exfoliating so far so fun his tongue I can't frickin get rid of the taste of it and yeah he would he would I would always give it real back give back real hard it's like my sweetie yeah bye daddy I love you thank you for calling me

you're sweetie I misspoke you you're taking advantage my daddy you're my sweetie you're my sweetie daddy you're my sweet little daddy is your dad more of emotional robot than me yeah I think he's more than a more I don't know yeah I guess that probably wow no wonder we get along so well you get along with my dad no with your mom oh so much remind her of her husband and when you what are you talking about you get along with my mom you see her like every year like like five months we talk a lot we Skype and base time why why why do you do that cuz I miss my voice and she might miss mine what does it matter we talk

well is that cheating if you had Skype sex with my mom no because I don't have a girlfriend like what is it cheating if she did that and she was she's married to my dad is it oh would that be considered cheating cuz it's tough cuz like you if you were married to someone and you looked at porn I'm not I'm obviously I'm like that's not cheating right everybody looks at porn but so if you but instead like of on the computer it being like a porn video if you were looking at if you were looking at I don't want to use my mom as an example I mean right let's let's get off let's get off their mamas yeah so let's

say you are looking at who's a celebrity you have a crush on who you might like to masturbate to Neve Campbell Neve Campbell yeah today of today Neve Campbell 47 year old Alyssa Milano alright so say say 47 year old Alyssa Milano you're like looking at screen caps of her tits and you're jerking off and that's obviously not cheating if you're married or you have a girlfriend nobody's gonna be like hey you're cheating yeah because Alyssa Milano doesn't know that same Alyssa Milano has a campsite yeah it's talking to you like on Skype yeah and she's like I'm I want to I'm like talking to you Amir I'm fucking you say my

last name so I know it's me and not just some sort of fucking bot that you did Amir what Alyssa I can't get off you're saying is it considered cheating if you have Skype or if you have where you're talking about a random camhor or a girl that you know over Skype I guess it should be I feel like random camhor is still not cheating oh really also I resent that you're calling them whores these are girls working for money so these are girls fucking people for money they're not fucking people for them they're fucking dildos for money and that doesn't mean that does not make them whores if you fucking dildo for

money it doesn't make you prostitute it doesn't make you a prostitute no we're getting way off dildo we're just we're just hopping from hypothetical things are we still talking about the girl who got her phone stolen by some we started another question oh yeah how does he how does this guy this guy is just on the edge of his seat like haha good bad are they gonna fucking tell me if my girlfriend loves me or not I don't think she loves you Skype sex is cheating because you're not actually physically touching anyone if it's someone you know it might be emotionally cheating all right now go back to you how does this guy what it's

how does he deal with this um oh this situation yeah it obviously bothers him so you can bring it up I don't know where they I think their relationship was built on this faulty premise of um this idea is like we don't give a shit about romantic stuff yeah we don't we're different two weeks later oh why didn't you say I love you tearing me up inside they might as well just admit that or he might as well admit that he does care a little bit yeah just a little bit and it's not like she leaves her dishes in the sink it really bothers me should I say something because then it's like it's small enough that like maybe it's not

worth having a fight right but if it's literally about saying I love you and not feeling loved or changing the conversation God I would I would love and hate to overhear that conversation so tell me you love me like you'll be the guy and I'll be the girl I love you what else what else I love you um oh USA Latvia is tomorrow I love you so much the bronze medal game I think I think we should watch it you love me I have to go actually where I'll snuggle or cuddle you later but I'm not gonna say that shit why don't what's the what's does it the people that don't say it feel like it like undercuts the actual emotion like

if you say it too much it sort of loses its meaning and it's supposed to mean something like why doesn't she say it back right is that at first it's uncomfortable to say it because you're not used to saying it to someone that you just met and then later on in life it becomes like so routine is like okay but are you like the kind of guy that says love you at the end of every phone call with your family yeah I mean we say it like in the beginning the middle and the right I say I love you my family so constantly that but I to me it doesn't I it doesn't feel like it doesn't mean anything I feel like I love them right

but it means less the more you use it love is a finite pie and every time you was a word but like you're taking a slice of it so that every time you say it you're dividing the pie into a smaller section absolutely love is a finite pie yeah it's a pie it's an absolute pie much like the number pie love is irrational and never ends how's that well then it's a different pie it's an imaginary it's an imaginary theory it's an imaginary number and and then it's pipe but pies infinite pies not infinite the number pie isn't it infinite it's undefined but it is a finite number what do you mean it's undefined yeah to

specifically nail down or quantify it you you would use digits that go on forever so that's that I can tell you that it's less than four how can a number less than four be infinite this is hoarding my brain next question I don't even know if I'm right at this point I should speak well with full disclosure that says I'm a little bit out of my turn out of line and I think above your pay grade but what I was saying about is the more you the more times you say love the smaller the slices because you're dividing that pie into a thousand slices I think it's when I'm only gonna say it eight times so that

every time someone gets that love slice they're having a whole heaping helpful of me a whole heaping helpful of you I want to throw up I really do and I think my oh my dude are you kidding I was loud proud and dangerous to know boom baby that's the Elvis Presley difference so I guess what I'm saying is tell that if I were you I would tell this person that it bothers you because it clearly does and especially if you love her you should say something which it sounds like he does because he does say it yes yeah that's it today who's a not quite break time but getting there interesting should we

stall how by reading another question you don't stall at basketball by running a play all right next question oh this guy is a good real name but I won't I won't say it I need another person of celebrity in Tennessee where's Matthew McConaughey from Texas Matthew McConaughey right you just don't listen to me Johnny Knoxville Johnny Knoxville who's actually from Knoxville wow yeah Johnny Knoxville is actually from Nashville and Johnny Nashville he's from Nashville so you know sometimes those Johnny's just tell the truth yep dear Jake and Amir I've been dating this goddamn dime for two weeks now and she's friends with all

my friends which is pretty hashtag dope however a couple days ago my friend started sending pictures of himself naked to her but he would draw over his dick so you couldn't see it when hearing about this I got upset and he got mad at me he felt there was no reason for me to be mad and he started calling me a little bitch we talked it out and I thought he would stop but yesterday he started sending more and much worse ones in one it was literally just his boner sticking with his underwear on then my other two friends started sending them to they're not nearly as attractive but still the joke is pretty fucked up and

I can't help but feel jealous and upset should I give these assholes another chance or consider them dead to me love Johnny now Knoxville this is insane it's like some sort of reverse jealousy where the girl isn't doing anything but guys are sending dicks to her I mean that's I think are not think that's harassment it's sexual harassment and she doesn't have to take it I mean like even removing the boyfriend from the situation she's it's it's an attack it's it's abhorrent it's disgusting you're not allowed to send unsolicited nude boner pictures to someone who doesn't want them can you not is it I mean if I

sent you a dick pic is that illegal yeah it's harassment you can sue me for that it's against the law yes it's against the law for me to send you a dick of course you send a dick pic of me to two people are you yeah but they want to rest they wanted it oh I did not Streeter and Dave I sent first of all for the record it was it was the dudes that we were traveling with I said I said somebody else these guys and they thought it was funny yeah but also I think I think it's like maybe it's I don't know the fucking law just like you don't know pie I know yeah 3.14159 to 3565 shit about shit about shit about shit about shit and

that'll go on for infinity okay you know I'm saying hey so but I think that if you sent me a dick pic and I said hey I get what you're going for here it fell flat with me I didn't like it I don't want any more pictures like that and you said okay and then you kept on going and I told you repeatedly to stop then it is it's illegal harassment I can sue you you'll go to jail or you're but this person could also block their numbers I guess so maybe can you I don't know can you I don't know I would say I also like that he's more pissed about the attractive one he's like these guys are kind of ugly so it doesn't bother me as

much but my hot friend is really pissing me off is that what he said yeah let me read the exact words then my other two friends started sending them to they're not nearly as attractive as me but still this joke is pretty fucked up he's saying that none of them are as attractive he's not like worried about them being like hot and his girlfriend liking it right I yeah you um you have a little bitch they're little bitches and I think you need to like blow up the pictures of their penises and like all around school or something I think you should kick the shit out of them I think you should tell on them I think you

should tell your family and an administrator I think these kids should go to jail I think he's publicly shamed and I personally would like to stone stone-cold stun each one of them I'll agree with the blowing them up and putting them around that's sort of using what they did wrong and throwing it back in their face right you kind of have to shame them yeah like you don't want to yelling at them might just like pouring water on a gremlin make them bigger angrier and scarier interesting or does water kill gremlins I don't fully remember the movie I know I have but the metaphor is there you have to use their

own shit against them yes but they're harassing your girlfriend you post their dick online right I well I mean if they're if you can't send your dick to girls if they don't want you to send their dick I've always said that hey we are on the same page when it comes to that let's let's like never ever I feel like the dick pick rules is just never send one unless it's specifically asked for I know we've talked about it with Allison zero to D yeah I don't remember exactly what we said then but I will amend whatever I said unless I said this don't send the dick unless it's explicitly stated that the dick pick is

desired do you understand so the D has to be desired the D must be desired the dick pick it's not slick it's pretty sick if it's not desired it shan't be required exactly don't send the D to me or unless I ask it of these so much this guy do you're saying I'd go for the full the full shame slash telling slash anger yeah have your girlfriend respond positively and ask for the real D no blurry box that's good no underwear get that D get the kids face in it then if it's big Photoshop it make it look a little smiley you know yeah and then print out that picture pass it around at school you say hey turns out I'm not a

little bitch your dick is a little bitch because it looks like the the pinpoint of a needle on your pubic mound how does that sound also I don't want to say I Photoshop this but look how small your D is it's roughly the size of half of this penny there we go so jokes on you that's pretty good thank you what can you say that's it that's break time this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a

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anyone else in your life maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website so the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace I was thinking we could just like talk like why do we have to like always have a

let's just read the fourth question Jesus Christ I know you're in a rush I'm in a rush you're in a rush you're in a rut you're in a bush you're in a butt what is it like being my roommate it's it's been pretty painless it's been great it's been easy yeah yeah it is you don't you don't give a shit when I clean up after you you that doesn't bother you here's the here's what I'll say oh as a roommate I think it's I'm impressive how long it takes you to get the lay of the land I think you sort of need to get your bearings sometimes yeah I think that's cool and I think that like you live in that house a little while longer you're

gonna find out where the trash cans are okay taking out the trash okay I think you'll maybe learn how to load and unload the dishwasher I think you may even graduate to understanding where the where the where the bathroom cleaner is oh you can wipe down the shower because there is grime and filth in there really and I think you walk around the house in your shoes a bit too often the rugs are getting soiled the rugs are getting stained you're gonna say anything or you're just gonna keep it bottled up and suppress it become a passive-aggressive asshole because that's how you do you deal with all of life

if you need me to show you where the garbage can is I will oh my god you're the driveway after that I can give you a lesson on how to wipe down the dishes a little bit before you put them in the dishwasher you know the washer isn't supposed to be a soup-to-nuts solution to do everything yeah you gotta help out sometimes I get a little lazy when I've when I've cooked cleaned and shop for the food your food shop for my food yeah well the last time I checked you were enjoying the avocados I bought which I asked you for and you said no problem I said no problem no period problem question mark yeah absolutely no

common problem your nickname is problem that's what I call you around the house now but we have fun we do I really dig it we the new level of passive-aggressive is to be fake passive-aggressive so it becomes passive-passive again still getting your message across but doing it in a joking pass have you taken the garbage out since I had made the joke about the garbage I have not you always beat me to it what can I say I've never looked down and had a full garbage bag it's untrained I will say that that is absolutely I did have to step down step down at the bottom of the can yeah I shoved it I shoved it down to the

bottom I shoved it onto the floor it exploded but there was still room for a little bit don't I know that don't I know nice but it's it's an adventure every day with you is I appreciate what I appreciate that I appreciate you to a wonderful degree what's wrong with you crying why I don't know what I'm gonna get room service you think so yeah what do you think you're gonna get a cheeseburger and french fries oh you're back on you're on the road this is road diet dude it's funny we're watching the videos that we shot on the road and you look considerably fatter like it makes sense yeah do I look fat now these days

no no no you look on the skinnier end like the videos you look you're legit getting huskier with every episode right it's kind of a funny little subplot my fattest day what was the fattest video we've ever made do you know which one comes to mind where you look like it's just a chubby little beef bun high school friend yeah that's what I do yeah that one's pretty fat and so is sleeping pills really yeah I'm like shirtless at one point in that video and I am just straight-up dough you're on school's very dough boy because now I'm like ripped and shredded and wait look back four years ago five years ago

whatever it is yeah you're a little skinny I wouldn't say and now to be like you think rippling biceps triceps and lats even yeah I mean you still don't do any cardio exercise I don't know why I think cardio exercise what do you do running back and forth to the garbage can excuse me fit I have to do that what seems like a million times a day it's got to be a thousand miles maybe more like twice a week still still enough to trek all right let's focus here we only have so much minutes left it's got to one last question are we back at the time let's do it let's do it let's do it trying to decide what the best one to

end it on is the ender ender game guy we have to stop together and this ender is lame we go all right ready last Tennessee based celebrity Morgan Freeman Morgan Freeman yeah Morgan freaking bargain bulging Morgan Freeman for my island give it to me baby is that the worst song that became popular 35 for a white guy is the worst popular song ever right he's getting a tattoo yeah he's getting ink done what happened why did they get to be famous for that that I don't know man that's the offspring man that's a mother good songs though I'll like wait was that is with that song to the tune of another song oh no that's my

friend had a girlfriend that's a bloody bitch that's but they did is like the opposite of what that girl did to your theme song they basically shat on the Beatles with that and this girl turn your heels with yeah Obla de Obla da my friend hat I won't say I won't say hi no way life goes on oh and a couple of years they have built a home sweet home that's cool yeah I like you're saying the cover shit in the beginning yeah yeah I like the off-strings version of this was that though her alright Morgan Freeman writes I'm usually very outgoing but lately I've had trouble striking up conversations with a girl I see every

day at the dining hall I've never talked to her before but I seriously see her every day and she really wants and I really want to get to know her she is a bigger girl pretty chubby but still a smoke show I don't know if I'm the type of guy who just walks up to someone in flirts I'm 6 3 2 10 with a beard and a very average looking face how would you guys go about picking up this siren whose dining hall song is captivated me day after day after day please put yourself in my position and help me figure out what to do thanks Morgan Freeman PS I can't help but stress how very average my face if you were to rank every person

on earth I would fall smack dab in the 50th percentile I'm not ugly I'm not good can you describe something as a very average is an average is the absence like absence of any any like any dressing like the word very yeah it's like this joke me and pad have we're like my shirts are extra medium they're extremely normal yes I am plain to the thousandth degree now we're getting closer to infinity there we go this is a really heartwarming email actually now that I read it again it's kind of touching right because there's like I'm a 6 3 2 10 this girl's kind of chubby but I find her so fucking attractive I just

want to talk to her in this dining hall right I'm very average yeah I think this is the love it's a love story for the ages and thank you for sending us your pages and what pages in the email yeah it's good if it rhymes I think the advice for now on is gonna rhyme all the time so here's what's up with you in this dime you are gonna go and talk to her even if at times you feel unsure oh god I promise you this my good sir she wants to talk to you and fuck no no no no no pause it pause it I had a perfect game going I really do think you should just talk to her though because I bet you want to talk to you yeah I feel like

you don't feel those vibes those chemical vibes unless unless there's like something there just a little bit it's a dining hall that's like an easy way to approach someone it's like you're getting your food you sit down next to her she's a little chubby so maybe you like shove a cheesecake in her mouth enough you fucking ass you fucking asshole motherfucker Jesus mother fucker for that fucker right now man your motherfucker I hate that voice I know but it is it is fun and friendly and communal to be at a dining hall you can sit down strike up a conversation about how good or bad the food might be yeah how average your

faces yeah be self-deprecating beat be you because I feel like six three two ten bearded guy sounds like a pretty pretty good-looking dude yeah and I don't think you have to go there and be like immediately flirty just say hey say what's up try like learn some things about her and then start flirting it'll it'll happen naturally you don't have to force it that's right and since luckily for you this girl maybe or not like it's not luckily for you but maybe this girl has been thinking about you as much as you think about her that's right so I don't know I have a rhyme if you try to force it it sounds like horse shit okay

that's it okay okay okay it was great okay it was fine okay you can go fuck yourself I'm sorry obviously you're out of line and I don't need to call you out on it I think you know I think you know maybe you should listen to mr. Jones if he wants to know about how to strike up a conversation yeah like you can say that graze your favorite color yeah yeah I felt so symbolic yesterday if I knew Picasso I would buy myself a great guitar and play those lyrics are absolute nothing right it's like babble it's pretty good graze my favorite color I felt symbolic yesterday well I mean I felt I'd buy myself a gray guitar and

play it's about it's I think it's like about a Picasso painting is it yeah if I knew Picasso I'd buy myself like gray guitar that's like a Picasso painting play mr. Jones me they're at the beautiful woman oh that girl's perfect you for you there's got to be somebody for me it's like even feeling left out maybe what else what else oh yeah Spanish dancing pass me the bottle mr. Jones so he likes mr. Jones I want to be a lion yeah I'm gonna say the lyrics are bad we got different reasons it's just it's a thin line between cool poetic and just really weird bad and I'm gonna say that one is in the weird bad

territory interesting we all want to be wait what do you say cats it's like we all want to pass as cats I want to be a lion everybody want to pass as cats we all want to be big stars yeah but we got different reasons for what that life isn't it I don't I think it's different reasons for that we should I can't believe how much time we're dedicated to miss why it's an amazing song you just said it wasn't I said the lyrics were horseshit awful cycle babble they send me but I only care about the melodies that's true like that offspring song my friend has a girlfriend and he hates that bitch the melody sucks but the the

lyrics are so poetic that I can't help but love it yeah alright I think that's it we got to we got to wrap this shit up we're at the 45 minute mark we're in Nashville Tennessee bounce we got a room service and take a bath that's what's up every every in a cheeseburger in a bathtub huh what what every in a cheeseburger in a bath your hands get cold because your rest of your body is submerged in hot water I don't recommend it the patty the tomato will fall into the water don't take it out don't need it you'll get soap poison you turn it into a goat all right that's it thanks for listening everybody again we're

gonna be in and we're gonna be in actual performing tomorrow at Zaini's then in the Charlotte comedy club on Tuesday oh comedy zone on Tuesday and then in Syracuse at Syracuse University on Wednesday of this week if you're listening to this in the future ignore what we're saying you already missed these shows you can't go to them it's over you let go over nobody listens to techno now let go that first theme song it was from I think I said it already Liz and she did that remix of your old song and this last one is from somebody named Zach and his ukulele if you have your own questions your own theme songs please

email us at if I were you show at gmail.com no bonus Thursday episode this week so we'll be back on Monday a week from today later com