If I Were You - 63: Porn Browser

Episode Date: February 24, 2014

In this episode we discuss clothing, computers, and colonics.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the easiest, best, most affordable way to build your own website: bit.ly/17DIXqWSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, with the choice to make, I would learn what to do from dear and Jake. Seize the cheese. It'll ridicule you, or fill you with hope, with riffs or advice. That's hashtag choice. If I were you, with the choice to make, I would learn what to do from dear and Jake. All right. Yeah. Yeah.

I like that one. It was like a saloon in the wild west. It's like, yeah, you hear him saying, if I were you, he'd show. And they're just like, get along, little doggy. Yee-haw. What you doing around here, Billy the Kid? It did not sound like that. Got an ace up his sleeve.

It was good, but it did not sound like a saloon. It didn't really. I'm sorry. I apologize for even breaking the subject. Normally I would let that shit slide, but I don't know. You never let anything slide. You call me out on every minute detail of my whole life. Even things that you're wrong on, you're so resolute.

For instance, that did sound like a saloon. That was a theme song written by Steve and Jeff. Although is it still Jeff if it's Gioff? I think so. Jeff. Gioff? Gioff. At what age do you decide as a parent you're going to fuck over your kid with that shitty

spelling? I think it happens because it's like a family name. So it was decided ages and ages ago that they were going to fuck over all of their lineage. And then they were growing up like, I'm not going to curse my kid with the same name, Gioff. And then you get older and you're like, you know what, I love my grandfather. I think it's a nice thing to do. And then you name your kid Gioff.

And then Gioff, little Gioff grows up and says, fuck my dad, fuck my whole life. This sucks. And then he becomes like a 30-year-old and he's like, you know what, this name's got some history. I think I'm going to keep it going. You're going to stay with Gioff. I think so. Well, your name is spelled G-E-O-A-K-E.

Yeah. Yeah, Gioch. Giochub. Yeah. Giochub. You are a Gioch, actually. I am. You're a Gioch, dude.

Your name's Amir Shmuel. Stop that. My name's Jake. Stop. Are you going to make fun of me? No more. Amir Shmuel. I want to get up the subject of names.

All right. Because I just realized that mine was actually a little embarrassing to some. Yeah. If only you could have been named after your brother Ben. Well, you'd want to be named after. The one guy in your family that got off scot-free. Jew-free. All right.

This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. I'm Amir Shmuel. I'm Giochub. And the show's also hosted by me, even though Amir Shmuel neglected to mention. And this is an advice podcast, so people email us their questions at ifirishow at gmail.com. And we do our best to offer up our advice. You know, it's not always good, but sometimes it's bad. Not bad at all.

I like that. I like the little, you're putting your flaring to it at the end, and I appreciate it. A little too much, though. Tread lightly with that flair. Yeah, but you put up the flair, and I think it was a little excessive. Yeah. It conveyed what a flair usually does, which is desperation. You are not Rick flair, so calm down with the flair.

All right. You can do a little bit, but... It was a nightmare flair, actually. And how do you dare? How do I dare? I did dare. So we're recording this episode on the road. We had two shows this week in Nashville and Charlotte, which were great.

And then we have one more tonight in Syracuse, though, by the time you guys listen to this episode. That show would have already happened. Jake has already OD'd on drugs at the after-party. We've already had the funeral. I had the gut-wrenching weekend of being like, Do I fucking release this episode? Do I bother going through the motions of releasing this episode? And I finally, with a lot of soul-searching and talking to Jake's closest friends and family, decided,

You know what? He would have beat the shit out of me if I sat on this audio, because this was such a solid app. For me, not to release it would be taking a shit on the casket at the funeral, which is also what I did, just as a cute little joke. But nobody got it. They thought it was way, way, way too... I'm going to stand up for you right now.

That's a funny joke. That's a good bit. If I die tonight... If I die tonight, I would put anybody at my funeral on blast. Official post-mortem blast. Post-mortem blast. A blast from beyond the grave. A blast from the past.

I'm putting you on blast for putting my boy on a blast. For taking a D on my G. You think if I actually did it and your parents yelled at me and I was like, Guys, listen to this. The emotional gamut they'd have to run through being like, I don't know, do I have to apologize to Amir now for shitting on my son? No, I can't. I feel like there's some kind of middle ground.

If I actually died tonight and we actually released this episode and we actually talked about this... And I actually took a shit? I think you couldn't actually take a shit. But if I did and I played this, would they be like, No, that means nothing. That's almost as if... I think anybody in their right mind would be like, You shouldn't have done that.

He was obviously joking. But I do think that you could make light of it in some way. Like squatting on my grave. Yeah. Like a real... I think that would be a really nice... It would definitely blow up on Reddit, I imagine. I know my...

At the very least on our subreddit. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, r slash Jake and Amir. Let's give them a shout out right now. Yeah, r slash Jake and Amir. You're my boys. You're my boys. You're my girls.

You're all my motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? And so I think if you, just like as in Judaism, you put a... You place a stone on the... Yeah, as like as a symbol or an homage. A solemn remembrance. Yeah. You place a turd on there and I think that's going to be the appropriate reaction.

A little bite-sized snicker. Yeah. Or like an actual little bit of fake turd that I have. Or a real turd. Oh, like I take a shit in a little plastic bag. Maybe you just like posed for a picture with your butt near my tombstone. Oh. I think that's appropriate.

Non-photoshop, non-simulated. I mean, I don't know. I'll be looking down on you from heaven. I'm going to give you the Atta Boy or the Blast. I think I'll decide in the moment. You think you're... Not only do you think heaven exists, but you think you're going there. Yeah.

Yeah. You think you deserve that? I think I'm special. After stating on this podcast over and over again how you think God is a laughable myth tantamount to the Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. You think you deserve to walk through those pearly gates. High five Moses and Jesus and the rest of the boys. I will say that if God's real, I bet he's chill.

I bet he can laugh at himself. He's got a sense of humor about this shit. I really think he thinks it's quirky. He thinks it's cute. Yeah. So when I go up, I'm like, oh, you said you heard that like Santa Claus shit. That was so silly. Yeah.

God, you're my bro. You give you a bro hug, like one of those kinds where you slap and then like turns it to a hug and he's like, nah, dude, fuck it. I wouldn't believe in me either. You guys start cracking the fuck up. And then I'm like, hey, those sets of footprints in this dance, when my life was the toughest, there's only one set of footprints. Why did you abandon me then, God?

That was me floating and fucking the ground. So each one of those footprints is my dick. That's a bit of a joke. Lord. What? How dare you? I'm blue sometimes as the Lord. Lord, excuse me, Lord.

Sorry, Lord, but you just took it a little too much. I'm going to have to stop you right then and there, Lord. My God, my savior. Whatever did you mean? That was crass. Oh, mercy. All right. Should we get started?

We're going to get some questions. Yep. So these are real questions from real people, but we're going to give them fake names to preserve there. Anonymity, daddy. Yay. All right, enough. Did I get it right, daddy?

I don't like that. What's my prize? Get off of me. Give me your fucking dick. Stop that. Give me your dick, dad. Yeah, you're tickling me. You little pervert.

Jesus Christ. That was weird, even by your standards, I think. Thank you. I didn't like it either. I assure you I hated it. I was getting it to heaven right up until that bit. No. So we're going to, this one's from a female.

I figured since we're in Syracuse tonight, we'll give them some famous Syracuse alums. But since it's a female, I'll call this e-mailer Michelle Carter-Williams. Michelle Carter-Williams. Oh, I see Syracuse alum as in the basketball team. Yeah, those are the right people. I think you have to specify that, because otherwise it just sounds like you don't know any famous women who graduated Syracuse. Well, I can also name some football players, too.

Okay, yeah. If it's all male sports teams related, I feel like you're off the hook a little bit. Okay. But if you're like, oh, it's all going to be influential Syracuse alumna. Yeah. No, I don't know. Well, I guess we'll give her a dude's name. Kind of like how every good girl in the world is just a guy in a wig.

Yeah, Michelle Obama is actually married to, oh wait, Obama's married to, whatever. All right. Ready? My point was that it's Obama in a wig. My point is that Michelle Obama is a guy named Michael Obama who graduated from Syracuse and he's wearing a wig and he wrote this e-mail. Ready? Thank you.

My stepdad looks at porn on his laptop quite a lot. If I ever have to use his computer, he doesn't delete his history much, so it's pretty clear which sites he goes to. I don't care that he does this. I mean, who doesn't look at porn? My problem is this. He doesn't get what our safe sites to go on. Not being tech-savvy, I guess he finds what he wants mainly through Googling it, which

leads him to clicking on some unsafe sites which has given his laptop more than its fair share of viruses or other problems which makes it rather slow. He doesn't seem to get that's causing his problems and blames it on our internet connection, even going so far as to making us change carriers to try to fix it. Is there any way I can somehow let him know what is really causing this problem or possibly direct him to some safer sites? Our relationship isn't casual enough that I feel comfortable bringing up the topic bluntly. Thanks.

Wow. Solid question. I love that question. I love that the dad is blaming Time Warner. Oh, this is garbage. We're switching to AT&T. It's also all because he's trying to get his porn faster. It's the absolute root of all of the problems.

All right, the porn's not going fast enough. Hey, we're going to switch carriers because we can't stream Netflix or something. Well, your search history is just a series of smut sites, Daddy. Yes. Damn it. This is her stepdad too, right? Yeah. You can't bring it up.

Also, a girl is writing this question. She's concerned about her stepdad. What a thoughtful, caring person who just wants her stepdad to get to porn faster and not mess with his computer. Well, I think it's a little more selfish than that. I think she uses the computer too. Oh, yeah. I guess it's a shared laptop.

Yeah, it's a shared laptop. I still think she's a good person. I still think she's a saint for that. It is funny to imagine people looking at porn by Googling. I've done that before. What do you Google? I don't know. Sometimes, oh, if I want a specific video, if I'm into Asian POV and then there's like,

I want to watch Nautica Thorn. Mom, turn it down. Take it from behind in a POV scene. I might search Nautica Thorn POV. And judging by the thumbnails, I would click on one of those videos. I will say that I also know these sites that are unsafe and safe. So oftentimes, I will only watch the video if I see that it's a link to a site that I already trust. Oh, I see.

It's a trusted site. Right. But this guy, it sounds like he just Googles random things and looks at whatever website comes up, which is definitely sometimes unsafe. It's a little scary. Also, I feel like Macs are, I don't know if this is even true, but a lot of times I'll deal with pop-ups, but never any actual viruses. Yeah.

Viruses seem to attack PCs more than Macintosh computers, I feel. Right. So first piece of advice, maybe you should get a Mac. Yeah. Or get him a MacBook Air for his birthday or a MacBook Pro or a MacBook, an old MacBook, an Apple product. I like the idea of a dedicated porn computer. Well, I have a dedicated porn browser.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So like, use Safari for one thing and what's your porn browser? Chrome, Firefox? I don't use Safari at all. Okay. You relax. On your phone you do. Okay.

Well, that's because it's the native fucking. It's the native browser. So what? You're using Chrome and then Firefox? Yeah. I'm using Chrome for my regular day-to-day, for my email, for my Facebook, for my, you know, for any searchable issues that come up. Yeah.

For the pornography use, I'll use Firefox. Chrome for your porn friends and porn for your Chrome friends. Excuse me. Yeah. You use porn for your Chrome friends. Porn for my Chrome friends. All right. So this dad is like trying to adapt to technology.

I think that's cool. He's like down to use porn on his computer. Yeah. I think that's good. That's taking a step. He just doesn't know how to use it correctly. That's right. Maybe parents don't use Facebook correctly.

They don't use pornography, online, internet porn. It's hard because there's no class that you can give. You should teach a porn watching class at like an adult community college. That would be a waste of my time. Why? Because they probably don't pay me bank and I don't do shit. I don't leave my house for less than four G's, you know? Oh.

You know what my day rate is. What are you talking about? I like won't make an appearance for less than 5K. I just thought you got- I ain't going to impart knowledge on some old ass motherfucker who can't get off. He doesn't know how to get to youporn.com. Jesus. That'll be like fucking 5K.

I don't know. 5K? Dude, I'm trying to make money. I know. You know I don't get behind this mic for less than 5K. Yes you do. What? Yeah.

What are you talking about? Our sponsorships are way less than that. Are you serious? We also did shows for several months before we even had a sponsor. What is- what am I doing? You're not even getting paid. It also goes into a separate fund. You haven't seen a dime of this money.

We spent it all on billboards and fundraisers for ladies who want to go to Ghana. Am I not rich? No. Really? Yeah. Are you dead serious right now? I think- Oh wait a second.

My dad is. Yeah. So aren't I rich now? No, I mean that's his money. Not all of it's his money. He puts money into my account. That's making it my money. What are you talking about?

I have some of my dad's money. So I actually have a lot of money. I guess. You guessed. Yeah. Sorry, since my dad puts $50,000 a week into my bank account, does that mean I don't have 50 grand a week unless I ask for more, which I often do. So does that make it his money?

Yeah. Is it my account? No, then at that point- It's fine. At that point you are rich. So you think I'm rich now? But you should not be proud. I'm not proud.

You are. You are. I'm a little proud. You're happy and proud of that fact. I think it's cool. I think I can do whatever I want. That's great. I love my mom.

I love my dad's money. I love my sister's day. My brother too. I love my whole family except my dad. I love my mom and I love my dad's money. You love your whole family except for your dad because he's the only one that gives you money, so you just love the money instead of your dad. I love the money.

I don't love my dad. My dad's okay. He's still my friend, especially because he gives me money. I love my mom. I love my dad's money. I love my sister's and my brother too. You fucking asshole. You idiot coward.

Whoa. Relax. Relax. That's a little too much. No, I won't relax. I'll tell you to relax. All right. $30,000.

Fine. It's great. I'm over my Venmo limit for the month, but I'll owe you. Appreciate it. So what should this girl do? I think two options. Drop the hint. I don't know.

It's sort of like heavy a hint at, you know, like I think you, I think she should set his, I think you should set the, the defaults web page. You know, when you open the browser, I think she should set it to you porn.com. The homepage. Yeah. Or like, I don't know. The X videos is pretty good. Yeah.

Well, you think setting the homepage to a porn site is a good idea? Well, I mean, just initially, just to introduce him to, you know, one of the best sites, you know, one of the tube sites that's going to help him, help him find the porn and they have their search functions. Yeah. And then he'll be like, Oh my God, this site is great. But, um, you know, then hopefully he'll change it. Maybe he'll think that the, that it was a virus.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I realize it was a good site.

Okay. Okay. Option two. I think you, you get a new computer. You say this one has a lot of viruses. And, uh, and then he'll be happy to search. Maybe you buy him a laptop. Well, I mean, you can't buy him.

You should suggest that he gets a laptop. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, if we use two separate computers, then I think that'll be beneficial to all of us because you'll use your computer. Maybe it's me that's slowing it down and then you blame it on yourself. Then you sort of use that logic to force him to get his own computer. Oh, that's nice. You could like present it like it's a story that happened to somebody that you know, like,

Oh, my friend had a similar virus. He got it from a porn site. I don't know where we got it from. Yeah. Maybe it popped up in your email. You know what? I looked at porn. You take the, you take the bullet form and you say, Oh, you know, I think like the in,

in the future, the best, the best sites in life are free. Yeah. But you can give them to the birds and bees. I want porny. Yeah. Dude. That's what I want. That's what I want.

I want porny. Dude. Why are you saying porny? Well, I want money. Oh, I see. Yeah. So sites in life are free. Yeah.

But are the virus websites the ones that are non paid? Is that what you're saying? No, I think I mean, they're free sites that don't have viruses, right? Yeah. I think I'm not sure where the virus has come in. I don't have that issue. Yeah. All right.

That's that. That's my tech support tip. Apple, Apple product. And if you can't buy a new computer, then give them his own dedicated. Web browser. Yeah. Hopefully that'll keep some things at bay. At the very least you should get, you can get like antivirus software and get rid of

the viruses. Yeah. Rex Morgan MD. Or not him. Dr. Norton. Is that still a thing? I don't know. I haven't used an antivirus software since 1994.

Is Dr. Norton still alive? It's been a minute. Let us know. All right. That's our advice. Ready for question number two? Yeah. Yay.

This one comes from all the way from Carmelo Anthony. Huh? Carmelo Anthony writes. Guten tag, Amir and Jake. On a less German note, I am in my fourth year at high school in Scotland. And over here we all wear school uniforms. Almost everyone, including me, just wears basic pair of trousers, shirt, tie, and jumper. Basic, but smart.

Here's where things get awkward. I was talking to my friend recently, who is one of the nicest, most friendly people I have ever met. And he would never really annoy or harm anyone. He was saying to me that over the holidays, he wants to hit the shops to buy a waistcoat to wear to school. I thought this was a terrible idea and would make him stand out in all the wrong ways. With him being so nice and all, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I just kind of brushed

off the idea with a meh. Now the holidays are coming up and he wants me to go to get a waistcoat with him. It would not be a pretty sight and I just think people will think he looks weird and avoid him. How should I convince him that this is not the greatest plan? Or that he should buy other clothes to look smart? Or am I being a dick? And should I just let him do whatever the fudge he wants without me being a complete control freak? You're sincerely Carmelo Anthony.

The last one, right? Isn't it obvious that it's the last one? The control freak thing? You shouldn't give a fudge and let him do whatever the fudge he wants? You're a control freak? But the waistcoat? You know what? When I first heard this question, I was like, oh man, this sounds embarrassing.

And then I looked up what a waistcoat was. And? It's a vest. It's nothing. It didn't look fine. But all he wears to school is a basic pair of trousers, shirt, tie, and a jumper. Basic but smart. Imagine this.

He wants to wear a vest with that outfit. It's such a small leap that it's a step. It's nothing. I think it's great that you're so invested in your friend's outfit. Well, you care about him. You don't want him to be made fun of because he's a nice guy. You should consider that... You're wrong.

Yeah. He might look smart in it. It's like the friend finally does buy a waistcoat slash vest and wears it to school and everyone starts complimenting him. And his friend's like, alright guys, stop fucking playing into it. Clearly it's a shitty waistcoat. You guys are just making fun of him. He's not wearing it. He's wearing it as a joke.

I really think it's sexy actually. Shut up, you bitch. He's just making fun of you in a subtle, subtle way, I bet. I promise you, if this guy does it next year, everybody's wearing waistcoats. Yeah. That's how fashion works, dude. One person is ballsy enough to take a risk and the rest of the sheep follow. I'm telling you guys, I was the first one to start wearing fedoras.

No. I was the first... Dude, yes. Yes, actually. I was the first one... I started to bring back those retro ray bands, actually. Yeah. You know leather straps are on your wrist?

Yeah. That's me. I pioneered that shit. A lot of the stuff you're describing is bad, though. What are you talking about? The leather band, the fedora? Bands make a dance. Bands make a dance.

That's what they're talking about in that song is leather bands. Yeah, yeah. Make girls dance. Bansa. Yeah. Tony Bansa. So, we would tell this guy to chill the F.O. What did our friend Matt say when we were talking about...

You wanted to get suspenders. Yeah. He said you couldn't pull them off. Yeah. The only person who thinks you can't pull it off is you. That's right. And that hit me so fucking hard that I bought suspenders and I've been too ashamed to wear them ever since.

You were haunted the first time you saw them. Yeah, I wore them and I walked out, I took one step into the street. You were booed. And somebody yelled, you're a German homo and threw a hot dog at me. Wow. Offensive. You were haunted to a point... I've never seen anyone before where you not only returned the suspenders, you tried

to burn down a suspenders store. Anyway, he said no one should ever have to deal with the scrutiny that I received. It turns out it was your face that people hated, not the suspenders. So, yeah, chill out, dude. Chill out, dude. I think it's nice. I do want to say that I think you're a good friend for... I think you're projecting your opinion a little too much here.

Yeah. But he's coming from a good place of like, my friend's nice and I'm afraid people will make fun of him. How do I tell him not to do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had a friend that was like making a terrible fashion choice and you want... Like, I say this to Dave all the time. There was one time Dave Rosenberg came to...

I had a... Me and my brother threw a Christmas party and like a bunch of people from the city came to my parents' house and Dave Rosenberg drove up. He showed up. He was wearing a braided belt. He's really baggy. Oh, fuck. What is it called when they're...

Oh, pleated khakis and a pair of loafers with a little tassel on them. And I think he might have also been wearing a cashmere sweater with nothing underneath. All right. Just like pretty much the worst outfit I've ever seen a person in. And I couldn't help it. I did. I made fun of him until he changed. Like you said, this is a bad look.

I was like, this is... I was like, what is happening right now? I like the braided belts with pleated khakis that are way too large for you. Too short and too wide. And you're wearing loafers. Yeah. And he borrowed clothes. I remember you also put them on a somewhat blast for wearing like mesh shorts, gym socks

and shower sandals to work one day. Yeah. Well, he has maybe the worst... He's an attractive dude. He's got I think the worst sense of style I've ever seen. Or he just doesn't care. That's his style is not giving a shit. He so aggressively doesn't care.

But I think it's to his detriment because he's a good worker. He walks into a room and he's like, hey, this is how this should be. And everybody's like, okay, you're wearing Nick's jersey and Nick's hat and Nick's flannel pajama pants. So we don't want to listen to you. We don't care what you think. I love Dave to death. Davey, if you're listening, you're amazing.

I think you should buy new pants. That's all I'll say. Yeah. And it comes from a place of love. Exactly. And adoration. I think maybe that's sort of a truism. As long as you're coming from a place that's pure of heart, I think you can offer your opinion.

But at the same time, maybe the vest is chill. Yeah. I mean, let him do his thing. Maybe the vest is chill. I think the vest, personally, I think the vest could be chill. Then again, we made a whole video about making fun of people with vests. So aren't you the hypocrite? Yeah, but we made fun of the person that was like too insecure to pull it off.

You said, why are you wearing the vest? And I could have been like, I like it. I think I look smart in this. And then you're the asshole. Right. But if you're like, why are you wearing a vest? I'm like, I'm not. Then I'm an asshole.

A lot of videos make fun of secure people. Right. I'm like, not the people who are confidently wearing new clothing. Yes. All right. I'm off the hook. I guess so. Thank God.

Not really. Bad laugh. Change that. What? Be a different person. I will. Thank you. I want to be different.

Be a new guy. I want to be a new guy. Change yourself. But at the same time, keep my core values and beliefs. I want you to do that. What? Just, yeah, be totally. You want me to be the same guy with a better laugh?

Yeah. The laugh is really bad. In addition to the laugh, other stuff is also not bad. Yeah. Other stuff is pretty bad too. Like what? I don't know. Start over.

Be born again. Why don't you, you should move somewhere else with different parents. What are you talking about? Maybe, I feel like 30 more years. You need 30 more years in the oven. What? Is that crazy? Yeah.

That's insane. At least stop the laugh. All right. Should we take a break or should we keep going on? Let's take a mini break. I like break. Oh, a mini break like in tennis. Yeah.

Like if you're in a tie break and someone breaks your shirt. That's what the break is going to be about. Yeah. This is like a mini break. What else is weird about? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional

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For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. Maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when

you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. The scoring system. I mean, who came up with this stuff 15 30 40.

It's arbitrary. All right. We're at love 15. 15 all. Okay. Why don't we just say one one zero no no no because after 15 comes 30 and then you know it comes after that. Oh 45 since you're kind of at 15s.

No, not that either. So 15 30 40. And then you win the game. Oh, so the match is over. No, nothing, not the match. The game. It's like made by like a six year old who was losing at this game and he's making up rules as he goes along.

He's like, all right. He got the first points. That's one. Nothing. No, it's 15. Nothing. Oh, sure. All right.

We got the second one. So I guess it's what 15 all. Yeah. I lost the game. All right. It's over. No, it's not over because the game doesn't mean it's over. You have to win the set.

I got I got us to do that means we're that we're that's a tie. Why are you calling it two points in a row? You you're a bad babysitter. You just won one set. You have to win three sets. Idiot. So where were we? 40 dudes.

I could grow up to be Patrick Raptor. That kid was Rod Lever himself, the the the the founder of modern tennis. Wow. And he gave birth to Martina Navratilova. If you can imagine. And then she she fingered herself until Chrissy Everett came out and then none of the other than Rafael Nadal after that. And that's the history of tennis.

Close a book. It just it just says Clifford the Big Red Dog. There's more dust on it than any old book you've ever seen. You don't keep your books clean, man. Just ash everywhere. I'm blind talking to six scarecrows. Anyway, where were we? Heaven.

Oh, yeah. Is that why it's all white outside? Welcome to Syracuse, New York, America's Freezer, America's Icebox stands some abuse. Yes. Very good. Syracuse has lots of Sarah Jews, Jews named Sarah. Got it. Yeah.

Syracuse Orange. Orange, you glad you didn't go to school here? Hey, relax. We have to perform here tonight. I am actually excited. We do. We have fun at big schools. Yes.

Big schools with terrible weather like Wisconsin. Right where we can just stay inside and get fucked up after the show and all that. I'm actually going to have a vitamin water, two hard boiled eggs and call it a night, I think. Hand? Yeah. Can be used Kanye. Kanye, you're under arrest.

Hand? Yeah. What the hand did I do? You're speeding. You're just acting generally disruptive, public, yeah, it's a public noise violation. I can't believe it. I don't know what to tell you. I mean, you've been acting pretty self-centered for a while now and you've been getting by

on some pretty good music, but it started to slip and music started to slip. Music started to slip. You're new slaves? Yeah. I don't think I exactly started to slip. I know, but it's definitely trending downward and I don't think society is going to give you a pass anymore. So thank you so much.

You got to chill out a little bit. Fuck you and your Hampton house. All right. All right. All right. Forget it. Do we have anything to actually? Two episodes ago, we asked that lady to create a GoFundMe page to help her raise money for

a volunteer trip to Africa because we said that a lot of people are too selfish to actually go themselves. You shouldn't feel ashamed to ask them for some money. Then we said, however much money you raise, we'll match it. Obviously, we didn't realize she had raised this much, so deals off the table. Deals off. Have fun. Not going to Africa, actually.

So instead, we planted a tree in your gana. Not really in your name and under our name because we thought the tree would be more chill with our name. The tree instantly died. I guess they can't exactly grow peaches there. That's our bad. Clearly, that's our fault. That's our ego.

No, that page does exist. It is online now. If you go to Fibrishow.com, click on her GoFundMe page, give her some money, and we still will match her dollar for dollar. Hopefully, we can send this very helpful, generous lady off to Africa. Let's get to one last question. Oh, no, mas. Before we have to leave and tell jokes to people at Syracuse.

Oh, I'm so burnt out. I know. It's hard to be me. I hate my life. I hate my life. It's just like I just fucking... It's hard. It's like I talk.

I just have to be funny in the dead. Yeah. It's hard to talk a lot, and it's hard to be funny and talk. It's hard. It's the hardest part about my life. I've never practiced at this job except by accident. This is us warming up, and it's only because we're recording something else. And we'd be having a conversation kind of like this if we didn't have microphones.

Right. The only hard part is actually holding the microphone because we didn't want to carry that. Mike stands with us to Syracuse, so we have to hold them in our own little hands. All right. Thanks for being fans of the two biggest, most selfish assholes on earth. Here we go. Last question.

One time. Here we go. Let's go. One last name. Derek Coleman. DC. DC, where the kids want to be. Dear Amir and Jake, do you believe bowels can ruin a relationship?

Well, over the past few months, I started seeing this girl from work. We got on really well, and up until recently, I found her majorly hot. Last week, the topic of colonic irrigation arose, and we spoke about how it would be really funny to have a deep cleansing as a couple's activity. She laughed it off, and I forgot all about it, but she brought it back up later and started talking about it seriously. I'm usually open-minded, so I didn't want to seem like a prude and give this girl the wrong impression, so I went along with it, still unsure if she would actually follow

through. Valentine's Day comes, and she surprised me with a double booking to a colonic irrigation session via Groupon. I couldn't say no at this point, so I decided to grit my teeth and bear it. It wasn't so bad until during her session, she beckoned over to watch the Perspex Tube funnel shit out of her. Was I meant to find this hot? Now I can't help but find her really unattractive, and I don't think I can carry on with a relationship.

What should I do? Even if I break up with her, can this be used as a valid excuse? Thanks for your advice and entertainment piece, Derek Coleman. Now before you answer this question, I did look on Groupon, and colonic irrigation was an offer. So if he's lying, it's not about that. What were you about to say? Is that true?

That is true. Oh my god. I can't believe she got a Groupon for a colonic. I can't believe this happened. Well you are kind of like this guy. You find female shitting repulsive. I find all shitting repulsive. No, not necessarily yours.

Unless it's me. Yeah. But girls, you're like, whenever I have a crush on a girl and I want to get over it, I just imagine her shitting and it turns me off. Yeah. Right. Yes, that's true. It's the great equalizer and girls, I just view them as like these pristine little cute

and pretty and then it's like, oh, poop comes out of you, gross. You're gross. You're assholes gross. But I still like assholes. No, obviously. I don't know, man. That's tough. That's gross.

That is hard to... Why did you let it snowball to that point? To the point where you're looking at a flunk of shit coming through a tube out of her asshole? Just because she beckoned you didn't mean you have to go there, buddy. Yeah. You're beckoned and called? Oh, man.

I think after you see the poop coming out of the girl that you like, you're sort of screwed. Really? I think... That's the point of no return? I don't know. Well, especially if you're feeling like this now, there's maybe there's some version of life where you're like, it made me feel closer to her.

It was like the most intimate thing. Yeah. I think anyone in her life has ever seen. People get jealous with like, oh, this person like fucked another person. Even before they knew me, it's just like, well, I just don't like you imagine my girlfriend like being in this situation or being like intimate with someone that's not nice to imagine. But like now you can be like, I am the most intimate thing you can do. Watch poop come out of someone.

Yeah, in a tube. She shared it with you. In a clear water tube. It's not so eager to do it that maybe she's done this before. Maybe this is her move. Yeah. This is her way to get close to people. Or maybe this is her way to break up with people.

It's like in Vanilla Sky, which is like, I sucked your dick. I swallowed your cum. That means something. Right. I thought a shit come out of my asshole. That's true. You guys, like I think the more intimate you guys get, the closer you'll feel and the stronger the bond is.

But unless that at a certain point you get grossed out and you sort of start to retreat and I think that's what's happening. And now I wouldn't necessarily, if you break up, say it's cause of the colonic you made us do. Yeah. I wouldn't put it on that. If you're going to break up with her, maybe create a different issue. Like the fact that you bought your Valentine's Day gift on Groupon.

Excuse you for that. That's kind of bullshit. What is that? So we're just looking for discount shit. I know it's the thought that counts, but is it 50% off your thought? I paid full price for these bouquet roses and the chocolate, which you only eat to get sucked out of your ass by a tube. So I don't see how that's fair to either of us.

What about turning this whole experience from negative into a positive by making like a short film about it? So it's called the colonic and the opening shot are like little kernels of corn and nuts like floating through this water and you don't really know what it is, right? So imagine so like a little kernel of corn going through water and you're like, oh, that's cute. And then it looks like sort of like zero gravity, little chunks, maybe like a wet Snickers bar sort of floating through this time and space.

That's the second time you decide poop is Snickers. And then that trance top dissolve into a lava lamp. Okay. So it goes from horizontal to the vertical and it's a lava lamp pan out to reveal two freshmen making out in their college dorm room. And only at the end you realize that that food floating through the ember, floating through the space and time was actually the shit coming out of her brown eyes. It's like you can't believe it, but it's finally here.

It is the great call back of the year you're making. That was the most impressive thing we've ever done. I think so, shit. I really felt it. I really was good. Let's close the show. I think we have to stop. I'm going to put down the microphones and walk away.

The equivalent of a mic drop after we just thank our advertisers and playoffs out with one last song. Anything after this is a bunt after a walk off home run and we just can't afford to do that right now. Don't need it. Again, that email address to email us for your questions as a fiery show at gmail.com. We're also accepting, revealing and using theme song submissions. The first one was from Steve and Jeff and this last one is from someone named Jack.

Thanks for listening everybody. Peace. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.