If I Were You - 64: Cat Noises (with Rose McIver)

Episode Date: February 27, 2014

Friend/Neighbor/Actor Rose McIver joins us to discuss flowers, bigotry, and prostitution. This episode is brought to you by FlagLocate.com -- the best and easiest way to let your friends know where you are. Check them out here: http://bit.ly/1gDOmkV See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

All right, let's do a real quiet intro. Why? Here it is. New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. Now get a savory sausage McMuffin with egg plus hash browns and a small coffee for just five dollars. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. If I were you, the podcast show's about to start at 5th Street from the heart.

that rip your life If I were you The show Thoughts, feelings about that Is that good? I don't know if it was good or not I think I liked it It was sort of a sea shanty of sorts

What? It was a sea shanty of sorts That's sea shanty's normally 15 men On a dead man's chest All right, enough, enough The shanty song is like chanting. That was a warbling tiny tin. There's a way to remember it. It's

a shanty is chante. Yeah, that shanty was chanty. That was not chante. That was like It was a chantey shanty. It was like a it was a guy seeing. Well, I sure know that I preferred that sound to what I'm listening to right now. Oh, sassy roses. Perfect intro to our guest, Rose.

Our guest of dishonor. Wow. Rose McGiver. Hello. Rose is our neighbor, roommate, friend in that order, I think. Yep, it's a true story. So we moved to this place in L.A. And Rose was living underneath us. And now she's living in our apartment.

Rose, to be to clarify, she was living in an apartment underneath us. Yeah, she wasn't just living under that. Rose was a vangrant that was under the house. We took pity on her and invited her up. I lost it. I brought me up real good and modden my fear lady. Yeah, I lost my tennis ball under the house and I went to find it and Rose's arm grabbed my hand.

And it scared me. It scared me. And that's when I found Rose. So you were playing with a tennis ball in this? Yeah. You were bouncing a tennis ball on the foot. By myself. Like one of those Velcro mitts. Yeah.

You know that? When you had like a mitt but it was Velcro? This house would suit a swing ball set, actually, out the back. A swing ball set? What's a swing ball set? Let's also get this out of the way. Rose isn't American. So sometimes she speaks in codes.

Swing ball set? Swing ball set's one of those like steaks that comes out of the ground. And then there's a big string off it with a tennis ball. and you just whack it around in circles. That's tetherball. Learn how to top USA. USA. USA.

Back to the sea, Chandy. What's a swing set? It's called a swing set? No, the swing ball. Swinging ball? Well, it makes a lot of sense. A ball swing balls? Swing balls.

It's swing ball. Similar to Teeball, but swing ball. Swing ball makes sense, but so does tether ball because it's tethered to the pole. And swing ball is sort of... Yeah, but how often would you use the word tether on like a daily basis versus the word swing? I feel like I would. would use them comparably, to be sure. I don't think that you've ever said tether or tether in your life.

Have you ever heard me say swing? Yeah, yeah, I'm sure I have. You've known for four days. You think I said swing recently? Yeah, I feel like that's a one. When was the last time you heard me say swing, aside from this room? You said, Amir, swing me a cup of that delicious soup your mom made. That's right.

Rose McIver putting you on blast, putting Ripka on blast. Your mom making soup, it is not good. It was good. It's bland porridge. It's much. Here's what I'd say. It was really delicious when I had a block nose and the textures were all really interesting in my mouth. But once the nose started to get better and the taste started to become more apparent, I think I preferred her other meals to that.

That's what I'd say. Amir's mom is a diligent listener to the podcast. Yeah, and she makes beautiful chickens schnitzel. Just delicious. Just delicious. It's like, I can't wait to just talk about how much food your mom has made us. My mom is spoiling us. Me, Jake, Rose.

Our new roommate. Yeah. So, well, first of all, thanks for coming on the show. We had to borderline beg you to do this. So we're a little bit offended right off the bat. Well, I noticed she started doing like G chats to every single person on your contacts list. Like, anyone free this afternoon, anyone free. And once you got there, I knew that I was a better option than no one.

So I figured I'd take it. Better than zero. Have you ever done a podcast before? No, I've never done a podcast. Really? No. Wow. We're breaking.

I don't know if the pressure is more on me than on, on you, because for me, I just want to experience the best podcast I can. Uh-huh. And you guys have to give me that experience today. Right. Wow. We have something to prove. You have something to prove. Whereas for me, I mean, I'm just a guest and I'm going to be gone.

And, you know, like, I think this is all about you guys today. Well, yeah, if you think about it, we're all going to be gone. I mean, wow. Yeah, we're all sucks of. D-Dak, is your book of poetry arrived. That's enough. That's enough, Rose. We don't want to talk about such intimate details on the show.

That being said, you did order a book of poetry, right? I'm not ashamed of ordering a book of poetry. I didn't say you were ashamed. It doesn't make me a fucking loser. Right? I didn't say that. Yeah, you didn't. Why are you mad?

I ordered a book of poetry curated by Garrison Keeler. So, uh, ever heard of them? Yeah, I don't know if you guys like Prairie Home Companion. Are you going to read it, or are you just going to leave it around so that people think you read poetry? All right. So do you know how the podcast... My highlight of the afternoon was when you guys got fucking Box Lakers tickets delivered to your door. And he was so disappointed that it wasn't his book of poetry that he hurled them.

He just hurled them willingly across the world. Don't tell. I love sports. I love sports. Sports and poetry. Fuck poetry. It's girly and dumb. I hate poetry unless it's about basketball. It is weird.

I feel like Amir would be the one who was into poetry out of the two with you. Really? Yeah. Well, you've known us. You basically have a crash course in us. You didn't know us at all six days ago, but we've spent so much time together that you know us more than anybody else within the last six days.

So you are very familiar with us, but still have this level of unfamiliarity that you can say stuff like that. Right. You also, you pegged us completely wrong. I picked them completely wrong. When I met them, I saw you. She's pointing at Amir right now.

Oh yeah, it's a podcast. See, I haven't done this thing before. I'm used to, it feels like a conversation. I'm trying to be relaxed. I've got my feet up. I wanted to point across the room. And I'm being fucking trashed for it. We called that being put on blast.

Put on blast. I'm put on blast every day by these new friends and enemies. And it've all happened at once. So you're saying, I was saying I met them and I just felt like Amir was going to be the lady killer. Really? I thought that you were the one who, like, you're zainy and I haven't listened to this podcast before, but I've seen you guys on your sketches. And I felt like you'd be the zany out there one.

It was super confident and like pulling chicks all the time. Right. And that Jake would kind of be the wingman and the sort of struggling one. Like just the struggling first. You thought that I couldn't pull chicks? Well, no, I just thought that I don't get pussy. I definitely didn't see confidence. There was no confidence radiating from your beady, beady, beady eyes.

What do you call my eyes? Beady, she said. Reedy, beady. Reedy, beat. yeah no but then I was surprised and I got to know them and now I feel like

you're kind of both in between the two and you're not actually you're not the stereotypes I thought you were okay is that okay to say yeah it's fun it's friendly it's nice describe my eyes again now that you got to know us

now I would say that they're soulful yeah now I'd say they're soulful and they're not like droopy or anything I wouldn't use droopy within the first week of knowing you but by tomorrow I feel Next time I guest on this podcast, we'll revisit the topic.

Okay. But for now they're not. They're soulful. But now they're soulful. Soulful, poetic, Lakers eyes. Oh, poetic Lakers. The best two things you could be. So let me at least explain to you the show.

We'll explain to the listeners and to you at the same time. Basically, it's an advice podcast. We get emails from people all around the world, and they're in a bit of a bind, and they're in a bit of a bind, and they're asking us for advice, for help, because they're that desperate, and we do our best to offer it to them. Sometimes it's just me and Jake, and sometimes we have a guest. That's like how I said to you the other day, agony aunt, that phrase. What's that?

It's exactly what you do, or agony uncles, so to speak. What is that? I don't, see, this is like, this is the ball swing of, of, uh, of, uh, of, uh, of advice. She's a terms. She's a kiwi. What would you, what do you call yourself? Do you call yourself advisors? I call myself a god.

A columnist? You're a podomist. You're a podomist. What are you? A podcaster? Yeah, a hypopodica is a hypopacicicist. What are you? Because an agony aunt is the fit, an agony uncle is the fitting description.

Just the person who somebody comes and asks questions and you have wise, sage advice that you can kind of give back to them. I feel like that's what you guys should be aiming for at least. Agony uncle. I can be the agony aunt if you want to be the agony uncle. See, that is what? I'd love to be your agony mistress. You want to be my aunt's what you're about to say. No, no, I want to be your wife.

Because I want you to be the agony uncle. Cool. Six days isn't enough to get used to this. And in another way, it's more than enough to get used to it. So basically we read these real emails from real people, but we give them fake names so that we're not, you know, we're preserving their anonymity, basically. This first one is from, ooh, you know what? Okay, it's from a guy. Can you give me a native, because you're from New Zealand, right? A native New Zealand name. That would be silly in our, in our, in our, in our, normal country.

That's really hard to do without being deeply offensive. I'm going to go for a place name. I feel like that's better. Okay, that's good. We're going to go Ru'a Pehu. Oh, wow. Can't even... What's that?

Rua pehu. Rua pehu. Ruha. Ruha. Yeah. Pehu. Uh-huh. You already messed it up.

You repeated it back in chunks. He's already offended music. Rua. Pehu? Yes. Ruhah. Ruhah. Hey-hoo.

Who-huh. Uh-huh. Ruah Behu You're a terrible agony aunt Hey guys, I found this chick on OkCupid And then reached out to her on Facebook Unfortunately, she's been dating someone for the past month So she wished me luck on my search

After telling me that she thought I was a cool dude She's got that perfect blend of quirky, cute, and classy going on And we seem to have a lot of the same interests Compared to the rest of the girls on OkCupid Plenty of Fish, Match.com and in mid-Missouri, she is head and shoulders above the rest of them. I was thinking I might go ahead and send her some flowers for Valentine's Day

and was wondering what your thoughts were on this. I doubt it will make her leave this guy, but maybe you will piss him off enough to act like a douche. All's fair and love and war, right? Hoping for a cool fake name, love Ruah Pahou. Sorry to disappoint you, Ruahehu. Yes, I found my weakness in podcast. Naming is not my strength.

No, I think Ruahue is actually chill. That's what we asked for is a native New Zealand name. Well, it's a mountain. It's a snowy, snowy mountain that's mainly icy and nobody really likes to ski on it, but it's the best option for the North Island. Perfect for this guy, this snowy, icy ice box over here. What do you think if you were in a relationship and somebody sent you flowers? Did he meet her on?

What's she doing on OkCupid if she's in a relationship? Well, sometimes people are on OkCupid to meet other people, and then they do, and then they deactivate their profile. I feel like the pressure's on her for keeping her profile active. That seems strange. If you meet somebody, you take your dating profile. This is this girl-on-girl hate, okay? No, no, no.

You're a cat-y. It's a cat-and-girl-d-old-jerk. You're a cat. I want to make a cat noise because I know that that is one of your pet peeves, right? Oh, you know me so well in six days. Wait, what? I didn't hear this. Yeah, one time I made a cat noise and she hated it. Like a meow cat noise or like an angry cat?

Why would you give Jake that, Emma? Why would you do that? I want to just, was it like, is that it? Jake. Jake, I have volunteered my afternoon for this and I did not ask. And all I'm asking you is to volunteer just so, because I don't want to make, if it's,

that makes you mad or if it's meow, then it makes you mad. I want to know which one. What's great is, what actually happens? I really need to know which one. Okay, so what happens is I get more and more embarrassed to the person who's doing it, and I just feel like they have no sense of dignity,

but what is helpful is that normally that's about somebody who I care about and I really want to preserve their dignity. But when you do that, I feel like you have none. And to be honest, it doesn't upset me as much. Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, to be honest, that cuts me to the core. That was, um, that is it, she's got, because I'm fighting her, huh? Meow!

You have to understand I never had any dignity before we started the podcast. This is what I'm talking about. So if Amir did it, when Amir did it, I was upset because I just want the best for him and I want him to, like I feel like he's, he does have dignity. And so that was upsetting. But, yeah, it is less upsetting. I want people to know that I didn't like purry. Yeah. What I did was...

In what context, did you do a cat? I will let you know. I will let you know. You know what, never mind. Moving on. So I think this guy with the... Everyone's just imagining me in a full cat costume crawling towards Rose. I remember. I came out to get a drink of water last night. Yeah.

Yeah, you were crawling across the hallway with, you had painted whiskers on with Rose's lipstick. And you said, you were like clawing at the carpet. And what you did was Jake a saucer. the noise, but it's him who's being embarrassed. And you took out a saucer and poured some milk and I spent two hours lapping it up with only my tongue.

Incidentally, their fridge is held together with a duct tape shelf that Jake built. He thinks he's like, honestly, Bob the builder over here. And he builds his duct tape shelf. There's a lot of animosity coming from this side of the room. And I think that the duct tape shelf has only broken once

whereas the shelf that Sub Zero built broke three or four times. Sub-Zero the fighter for Mortal Kombat. Yeah, he does some plumbing work too. On the side. Fixed our fridge. I think the duct tape shelf was a decent...

I thought you were going to bring us back to the question. Which is whether this guy should give a girl with a boyfriend flowers to try to fuck up her relationship. That's funny. Yeah. He should? Of course. Really? That's a chill move.

He hasn't met her, though, right? He hasn't met her. Is she seen her on Facebook? Yeah. Or he just met her on OKCupes. He just met her on OKCupid and then added her on Facebook and now he's going to send her flowers. I think even if she didn't have a boyfriend, that's a bad move. Oh, sending someone flowers on Valentine's Day?

Before you meet them? Yeah. I think if they had a really genuine connection, that would be a different question. But the fact that he hasn't even met this girl and she's got a boyfriend and he's just obviously interested in her because she looks hot in these pictures, maybe. Or was it quirky cute? Was it quirky cute? Yeah, he's got this perfect blend of quirky and cute And also she has a boyfriend

I feel like he's going to meet his own quirky cute girl in the flesh And then that will be lovely and she won't have a boyfriend That's all well and good But this guy lives in mid-Nissary He hasn't met anyone on any of these social networks He found one that he likes and he's got to He thinks he's got to go for it And he thinks by sending flowers

Let me ask you as a female Are flowers good or are they lame They can be both right Depends on who the guy is sending a team? you is? Yeah, definitely. So, like, flowers can be pathetic if it's like someone you know like sending it to you. Yeah. Every gesture in the world can be lame if it just comes from a shitty person. Right. Like when I make the cat noise, it's sexy and it's funky and it's cute. And when you do it, it's like, oh God, I'm losing respects for you. It's bizarre. By the way,

I do want to know what the context was that you purred at Rose. I didn't purr at Rose. I think he made a bitchy hiss noise. No, I did not do that either. Is that a cat? That's a snake. That's like a gay best friend. You know, the gay best friend sort of like thing that they do where they're saying like, oh, you shouldn't say that that's catty.

Like you kind of did. And this whole conversation started, actually. Which makes you kind of the gay best friend in this equation. Resent that. Not because there's anything wrong with being. I'm still thinking about this guy. I feel like the flowers are a really lovely gesture and I just have belief that he's going to meet somebody else

and that he shouldn't. Why do you have that belief? Wow. Why do you think he's going to, why do you think that this garbage trash loser that doesn't understand any social cues that took, that took OKCupid to Facebook and now he's like so out of touch that he's like, I think I can send her flowers even though she has a boyfriend. What makes you think he deserves to find love? My biggest concern for his mental health is that he asked you this question, not his mother or like some kind of. Oh, that would be, oh, that's the best. He's going to ask his, and now he's going to ask his mom for advice. Mommy, should I give this girl flower flowers? That's what he calls. He calls him probably, right? This guy, I promise you, is 48 years old living in his mother's basement

in Branson, Missouri. Well, that's why he's not meeting anyone. Oh. Don't spend any money on frivolities like flowers. Go get your own place. Set yourself up, buy a coffee machine, have a girl over. That's all it takes is a coffee machine

and having a girl over. Is that true? Ask a neighbor for sugar. That's how, how did we, what did we first say? You were, I think you just came out and apologized for playing music that we couldn't hear.

Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. Do that. Then look, four days later, I have these great new friends. So why don't you, like, have some kind of nice over-the-fence conversations with some people around you? I think the problem is he's not enjoying it. I think I liked your advice of moving out of Missouri. No, that's not. You can't, no. Sure. He's in the heart of America, the heartlands. Dixie. Come on. Is that true? Is that Dixie? I don't know. That's where all the Dixie checks are. You can't just hate on Missouri just because we live in Los Angeles. Well, he doesn't have to live in Los Angeles, but I'm sure he'll find. more ladies that are up his alley if he moved to New York, Los Angeles, Chicago,

my N-A, San Francisco, Seattle, Portland to Austin, New Orleans, Maine. You're small-minded. You're small-minded for thinking he can't be happy in Missouri. I hate to put both of you guys on a Tuesday blast, but I'm going to do it. Technically this comes on on a Thursday. All right, well, I'll put you on a Tuesday to Thursday blast. That's a Wednesday. That's a full Wednesday on blast. If you can survive that. Jesus, probably not. You're saying Don't give the flowers. Don't give the flowers. Believe in something more. Give it a little while. I have hope for you. Would flowers ever break up a relationship or at least tear at the fabric of one?

Well, it might tear at the fabric. What if her boyfriend, her new boyfriend that she met on OKCupid, never bought her flowers. Oh. But I don't think it would make RuPaulu have any better chances. I just think it might sabotage what could have been something beautiful. But that is a good call. If he didn't give her flowers and then this guy gives her flowers, I feel like that can tug away a little bit. Yeah, of course. And I think also. Also, if he gives her flowers and then the boyfriend is like, hey, who the fuck send you flowers? Don't, I'm really, I'm really jealous. And she's like, oh, yo, that's not an attractive quality.

You're, like, freaking out over these flowers. But I don't think that the end is going to be Ru'upeu with the chick. I'll say that. Oh, so you're saying. Best case in her, they just break up, but it doesn't end up with you there. Yeah. Is that what you want, Rupeu? Let's wait for an answer.

That's a yes. Wow. Are did you reduce from New Zealand? No, Australia. Okay, very good. Very nice. Are kangaroos from New Zealand? Australia.

Are didgerie roos from Australia? I think we got a couple of them at home. Let me ask you this question. The term kiwi for New Zealanders. The number of times that you have confused me with Australians is ridiculous. It's bordering on insulting. Okay, well, two questions. Three questions.

One, is Kiwi an offensive term for somebody from New Zealand? No. Okay, two, is it named after the fruit or the animal? Animal. Do they have Kiwi the fruit in New Zealand? Yes. That's some question to number two, not a three. Okay.

They do have Kiwi the fruit? Two, part B is, yes, they do have Kiwi the Fruit as well. Okay. Three, New Zealand and Australia, is that like USA Canada? Or is there more of like a brotherhood and bond there? It's like USA Canada, I guess, but because we're smaller and we're more isolated, when we're on the other side of the world, which you don't necessarily do as much as Americans, but Kiwis will go abroad probably a lot more.

Yeah, because they live in New Zealand. Of course, they want to escape. Yeah, yeah, thanks We're already here You're thinking of New Zealand as Missouri Yeah, yeah Not everybody as you We're not happy

We're already here We're in paradise right now So we can No, that's not true You're in your paradise We're projecting it onto people in Missouri When you live in heaven You don't say it in hell

Why did you pour in rose? Why did you purport? I want to know What context You hissed at our neighbor I was on OKCupid in New Zealand For bloody years And I traveled to the other side of the world

to try to get away from it and I get his stat by a new man living upstairs. Have you ever used an online dating site? I haven't. I haven't. Is it because you don't have a problem meeting guys? Yeah, I guess. To tell you this truth. It's interesting, because I don't have a problem meeting girls,

but my problem is that I don't meet enough girls, so I want to use Tinder, okay, Cupid. Well, the problem is that enough is never enough with you. Enough is not enough. Yeah, there's nothing. That's kind of beautiful. That's kind of poetic. Rose, give me a beat.

No, doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Yo, what was the line that you said again?

I said, enough is never enough. Enough is never enough. Enough. Not enough. Not the snuff. That's what's stuff. That's your stuff. That's my muff.

Yo, going down. Doof. And he's reading straight out of his new poetry anthology. I love. Yeah, this one's by Sylvia Plath, bitch. Doof. Oof. I love that the beat was doof, doof, doof.

And I love that you turned that into a word Like you're rhyming with the bee I felt like that was a hearty kick drum A hearty kick drum This is what you are like Here I'll show you what the beat is supposed to be like And then Amir can wrap over the time Yeah yeah alright

Rose give me a topic I'm saying I'm saying cats and neighbors Okay cats and neighbors Oh yeah Cats and neighbors Neighbors and cats Don't eat those cats

Unless you'll be fat because cats have a lot of fats in their hats. That's what I call heads. Don't eat their brains. It's upsetting that Amir is showing more promises than Jake. Are you kidding me? Cats! Cats! Don't be fats.

What the fuck you talking about more promise? Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. You sound like you listen to way too much. Do you know Razel? Did you guys ever listen to Razzel? It sounds like I listened to way too much of the best beatboxer of all time. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, but I'm going to take your insult as a compliment.

Remember that way. wave of rubbish trash teenagers who thought that they could beatbox after they heard Rosel Yeah, I was one of them Yeah, yeah Turns out I was the only one that was right now, yo The beat and the What is it?

The beat and the melody at the same time Mm-mm-mm-mm-hmm Have you ever seen Rosel throw up? There's a YouTube video where he He tries to do the beat He does the beat, the The melody, and then he tries to do the hook And he just goes

fucking yarpes it's incredible so at that point he's throwing up while giving a big four yeah it's crazy so uh don't give this girl flowers ultimately yeah no don't give her flowers you don't have to move out of missouri either be the bigger man be so big you can't even fit in missouri all right that's enough you too there's something noble there's something honest you go to fucking Missouri. I will go to Missouri. You live there.

Good luck doing the podcast without this. Yo, good luck doing the podcast. Rose said she would just stick around and be the co-host if necessary. I feel okay with the

Rose and Amir Shah. How about Amir gives you a B, I give you a topic and you freestyle. Can I say that that would really make me very deeply uncomfortable because bad beatboxing

is almost as offensive as bad cat noises on a human and I'm absolutely not going to do this. All right. Teradactyl. Here it is. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. All right. My name's Rose. Oh my God. She's doing it. Teradactals. It's in the ground and I love. Sorry, I don't know what I'm going. Wow. What's your favorite dinosaur? Probably the Stegosaurus. It's a pretty good one. Mine's an ankyosaurus. Cool. What's yours? Hey, come on. I'm getting to know each other.

Uh, is an eel a, is an eel a dinosaur? Like if I said eel. God, you showed your hand with that one. What? You are a boring man. What's the most boring dinosaur? The one that's like borderline still around today. Like a fish or something.

There's a, um, a Tunnifah. No, don't worry. That's a New Zealand thing. That's another mountain in New Zealand. That's another. That's the next advice asker. Mr. Tunnifah is coming at you with. That's actually really good.

Tanyfar, we do need a female name. It could be Mrs. Tennifar. These names are sort of ambiguous. This is really cool because this email came to us from New Zealand. Really? That's right. It's probably a friend of mine. You guys remind me of my time living in America, which is a great nostalgia kick.

I live in New Zealand now. So here's my issue. I'm a lesbian and my grandpa has left me a shit ton of money. All good so far. But I don't, quote, look like a lesbian, end quote. He thinks that I'm just being rebellious and has told me that I'm out of his will if I, quote, continue this behavior. I've never actually told him that I'm gay

and somehow he's found out that I've been dating girls. I'm single at the moment and I have dated and have had sex with men in the past, but I've never been sexually attracted to them. So my question to you is, do I date men until he kicks off and leaves me my

five zeros? Or should I be true to myself and sacrifice the money? Toda, Mrs. What's? Tenie Fair. Tenie Fur. How many What zeros? Five zeros? That's like 100,000 bucks?

Yeah. 100 to 900,000. That's what's up, baby. I know my math. My maths. I know my math. Is your granddad on social media? Why do you ask that?

Well, I feel like, you know, if he's going to know, oh, wait, she's not trying to hide it. She's trying to actually change her sexuality. No, she's saying, should I just hide it for him until he dies? Right. So he doesn't. No, she said, should I date men? Which is, that's a different question.

Like, if she's hiding it from her granddad, because she doesn't want to upset him, that's one thing. But if she's going to stop seeing girls and start seeing men, that's different. And I need some clarity. Shit. You've poked a hole in our podcast, and that's, well, there is no clarity. I think her quandary is, she feels weird about lying to her grandfather. And she, well, she's, like, confident that she is a lesbian. But she also wants her grandfather's money.

So she's saying, should I try? to hide my sexuality from him until he dies, is that okay or is that like robbing him? Do we think that she's had a really honest conversation with him explaining why it's okay to be homosexual? No, you can't do that. Once you're 60, 70, 80 years old, you're not going to change your mind.

People, that's... People are not changing their mind at that age. Well, that's... The question is, do I... Is it considered, should I take a stand and be my true self and sacrifice the money? Or should I lie of... about it and

borderline rob my grandfather. I mean, I think it's obvious what the answer is. Borderline Robb is grandfather? Her grandfather? She's not a man just because she's into women. Wow, and the truth comes out. Mr. Bigot? Mr. Bigot there?

Bigot Blumenfeld. Bigot Blumenfeld. No. No. Meow. Miao. Is that it? You were like, really, it's a guttural reaction for you, huh?

This is the time when I wish that podcasts were visual because I don't want to say anything in words about it because I want to let it go, but I want people to know how deeply it affects me, and I feel like they would know that if they saw quiver. Well, you're crying. There's tears streaming down your face right now. Welling. Don't exaggerating. You really are welling right now.

This is, are there other, what about other animal noises? Should I get my tear stick? Are there other animal noises that you dislike, or is it specifically cats? Well, I feel like cats are the only ones people really try to make, who makes an elephant noise or a cow noise and casual conversation. Is that? That

What was that? That was a dog pretending to be an elephant. Jake's just blowing his nose. Can you tell me what a tear stick is? Is that an acting term? It's an acting trick where you just put menthol under your eyes to make yourself cry. We didn't mention that Rose is an actor. Actor or actress, what do you prefer?

I don't mind. Okay, we didn't mention that Rose is an actress. Actor. Yeah, I wouldn't have said. I mind. So that's one of the tricks in the trade. But I guess if you don't think women should have rights, he called, um, he called our lesbian friend.

boy and he called our actor friend and actress. I would never say that I'm friends with a lesbian. You put that word in my mouth. Got it. I would never be friend. A homosexual. Is there any way in which Amir could get to know your grandfather, Tanifa, and get the money from him because I feel like they would be like-minded? Yeah.

If I can sort of gain his trust. I do feel like if you're a bigot, then you don't even deserve to have money. Really? Bigots don't deserve to have money. I think that if you, if some, you're a bigot, if you're a bigot, if some, you're Somebody donates money to, like, anti-gay legislation. Yeah. Their assets should be seized.

Really? Yeah, I actually do. So you really, you love America so much, but you're against one of the first amendment rights, freedom of expression? I'm against, what are you talking about? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Freedom to think whatever you want. Yeah.

You're not down for that. As long as people have opinions that are different than yours, they don't deserve to have money. I think if there's an opinion that's so black and white that it's in the wrong, that I should be allowed to kick the shit out of that guy. Wow. Yeah. Cart launch. Cart launch. Fart launch.

Fart launch. I think that if you're, I think that if you're different than me, you don't deserve to live in the same country as me. So you're saying bigots are, bigots are different than me so I don't like them. But I don't like them because they're bigots, not because they're different, because they hate people that are different. They pay taxes. They do the work that you're not willing to do. There's a lot of bigots out there. I pay taxes.

If you got rid of all the bigots in America, you're standing up from bigots. If you got rid of all the bigots in America, this country. would fall apart. I'm sorry to tell you that. This country has fallen apart if there are bigots in America. This country was founded by slave owners. Open your eyes, man. Why don't you suck my dick, dude. That's what's up.

There's a motherfucker outside wandering around with a package. I think it might be my poetry book. Is the guest expendable for this moment to go collect a poetry book? Of course not. No, you'll stay right here. No. Jake is expendable. Is the guest expendable?

I barely even understood that. It's broken English. Big words for a little man. Are you talking to him here? Oh, this dude. Oh, he's going to knock on the door. Oh, I can't fucking wait. Oh, dude, I'll break back.

So Jake's just left to get his book of poetry. Yeah, this is the first. I'm glad you're here for this, because otherwise it would just be me talking to myself. I really hope that it's not tickets to Cirque de Soleil or something, because he'll hurl them out the window into just the banks below. So now that Jake's not here. Who do you have more fun hanging out?

with me or Jake. I mean, I haven't seen either of you separately. Right, because we're always together. Yeah. So it's tough for you to differentiate. I feel like that's going to be a high-risk situation, living together, working together, cooking together, cleaning together. Yeah.

When one of us leaves, there's going to be an interesting dynamic when it's just two of the three of us. It was a guy delivering a pizza to our landlord Bill. Is that true? Yes. Bill's not our landlord. Bill is our neighbor. He's another tenant. So I don't give him any more rights.

He's a tenant? Yeah. Bill lives here? Yeah. Where? Next door. What do you mean next door? It's the same, it's that weird garage that he seems to work.

Does he live in that garage? Well, he's always there. Any hour of the day or night. I think he lives there. He lives in the garage? Oh, he's calling you out for talking different. Don't talk different in front of Jake. He'll seize your assets.

It doesn't think you deserve money if you're different at all, right? What about someone with an accent? Is that like-minded enough for you, for them to be able to keep their money for you not to beat the shit out of them? I love you to explain this. You imagine that I hate bigots because they're different. Yeah, that's exactly right.

No, I don't. Yes, yes, my friend. Yes, that's the case. I love all. I've never heard our podcast before, but Amir has advocated for the closure of humane societies. And now he is standing up to fight the good fight. I think the bigots of America need a hero. I think you are it.

He's a real underdog story kind of guy. Yeah, I really am. Oh, that's not a bad idea for your billboard that I have to design. What? Let's close, together, let's close America's humane societies. It also turns out of me it doesn't like dogs. Yeah, I've been called out on that for quite a lot in the last couple weeks. On the podcast or in life?

No, in real life. I mean, you seem to look down on it. Your friend who we met yesterday said that dog, Loveers are better people and Jake said I don't like dogs. I don't dislike dogs. I just don't like dogs. Do you like cats? No, I mean, I could take or leave a cat.

You saw me struggle with that and I didn't. I didn't do it. I think that I deserve some kind of accolade or praise. You get nothing. Okay. Why? Do I have to, you think it's nice to like dogs? Yeah.

And if I don't like dogs, do you think that's kind of sociopathic in a way? show you a film called Last Minutes with Odin that I showed Jake the other day. And if you don't like dogs and understand dogs after that, then you are the robot that I've suspected all these days. All these years. For the last six days, you've been calling me robot. It suits you. Because I'm emotionally unavailable.

Which is nice. It's nice. You actually said that you're more like a robot, like artificially intelligent, and you've been taught that this is what you should say and what you should do and you're really struggling with emotional capacity. And I think that that's accurate. Yeah. Like I was an alien that was made, and now I'm sort of starting to learn how humans should act, and that's what I say and do.

It's like perfume, where he wears that smell of a human. Yeah. You know that book? No. He wears a smell of a human because he doesn't smell, and he creates the smell. It's like human-like. It's like that. You've just put on a big human smell.

I do smell. You were reeking yesterday, baby. All right, let's go back to the question. Woof. You just smelled yourself. Yeah, because I didn't put on deodorant today, so I wanted to make sure I wasn't ripe. And? I am.

So what do you say? You say, be yourself, don't accept the money? No, rob this motherfucker. Okay. Rose, vote. Be yourself, don't accept the money? Be yourself, don't accept the money. But I feel like after he passes away, things might all be a little bit different anyway,

and you might end up with it. So I'm hoping for you. So you're saying be yourself, and whether he gives you the money or not is up to him. Or maybe make a deal with like a sibling where they get the extra money, but they understand you. And then after he passes away, you can kind of renegotiate the contract with the person. I just, I really think that like you got to look. She has to be thinking macro, not micro. And sure she's got this pride of like, I don't, I want my grandfather to like me for who I am,

but he's never going to accept her. So she might as well pretend that she's straight up until he dies, which is probably going to be soon. And then she just uses the money to take. girls out she's slaying pussy she's munching box she is chowing down on muff and I think it's all on her grandfather's dime are you saying she's not monogamous? She doesn't have to be

monogamous she's singles she said she was single but she might be monogamous she might with monogamous with you might meet somebody lovely I feel like you're suggesting that she's just going to hook up with lots of chicks and that's not necessarily a lot of say you could she could munch down on the same box forever for all I care I just think that she should be

whining and dining either many bitches or just one bitch just with her grandfather's money to stick it to him. He's rolling it around in his grave as she's rolling around in bed fucking fucking licking clit taking names. I'm serious. I think that that sounds like the best advice. I guess I'm with you. Well, what about this for advice? Before he writes the will, you sit down with him and be like, Grandpa, I know you're thinking that I'm gay, but I assure you that I'm not. You have to believe me. I need your money. I want your money. I deserve your money. That's what a robot would say. That's what a robot would say. Yep. And then as he's dying, as he lay dying in his deathbed before the last thing he sees, and it's too late to change the will, you, you, you, you slink your little coy little diva girl in and you just go to town, you scissors, you 69.

I think you 69 on his deathbed. On his bed, no, on his body. Oh my, is that the pressure of two girls just fucking with him. So, and fucking on him. fucking hot. I'm dead serious when I say meow. What? I'm that's not a cat noise, Rose. I don't know why you're covering your ears.

That's the name of the, oh my God, dude. I didn't even say the noise. I know, but I just am thinking about it and it's a soft spot for me. And I feel like if I've revealed this weakness to you, it's just nasty to kind of keep exploiting it over and over and over again in the same podcast. It's tough. It's tough. Did you think that there was a world where I found out and didn't make the noise over and over again? Absolutely not. But I thought that Amir was more well trained as a robot than to give you that kind of information. But you noticed I received your feedback and I grew from it. You programmed me to change and I haven't made the noise since then because I knew that that would react negatively.

What was off with your programming that you made the noise to begin with? Because I think we and Rose could have lived our entire lives without me ever feeling it necessary, without me ever being compelled to make a cat noise in her presence. I don't understand. Even if it was like... Do you know what I think it was? I know what it was. I know what it was. I remember clearly what it was.

Tell me, am I wrong. I am sleeping in the solarium at the moment in your house because my house is great, but I'm sleeping outside. God, I hope Gray doesn't listen to this. She definitely doesn't. I am sleeping outside and it's a very cold room and it'll be great in the long run, but not in winter. So I'm taking advantage of solarium upstairs.

I'm sleeping in a celarium. I wake up with a coughing fit in the middle of the night. I go through to the kitchen. Jake's duct tape shelf falls to pieces as I get a glass of milk from the fridge. Let's mention that you open the door too hard. Go on. And I'm drinking milk on the floor. And I feel like it was around that time that you said something like a cat noise. Am I wrong?

That did happen, but I didn't do the cat noise that. 4 a.m. 4 a.m. Rose is out there in her pajamas, sipping milk off the floor, eating tuna fish. All he could do. Yeah, I think Rose was out there. She had killed a bird and she was trying to hide it. And what she was.

Yeah, yeah. That was it, yeah. And she was sort of scratching our litter box. Yeah, yeah. We had like changed the litter box. She had taken a dump. She had taken a dumps in the bathtub, which is annoying. She takes dumps in the bathtub.

We have the litter box. We clean the litter box, but she'll poop in the bathtub. It's disgusting. Oh, everybody's got advice. Let's answer one more question. Wait, you still haven't said. All right. Over the break.

No, no, that was the break. That was the break? That was the break? Breaks over, baby. Breaks over. We have time for one last question. All right. We need a dude's name.

We'll go Ikeda Hoona. What? Isn't English the official language in New Zealand? Nope. It's a binary nation with two languages. And what's the second language? Māori. And do you speak that?

Oh yeah, Maori, the chanting and the hoof. Similar to the sea shanty we heard at the start, apparently. No, yeah, Māori, there is some chanting. There's a really awesome YouTube video where they're like... Actually, talking about the passing of same-sex marriage, watch that video. Is that in New Zealand? Yeah, happen in New Zealand and it will reduce you to tears, I will say no more. What's the population, what percentage of the population is majority?

I'm a little bit scared about you asking this trivia because I don't know the exact answers, and I'm going to sound ignorant. Are they a minority? Wow. Wow. Wow, yeah, yeah, I mean, I, sure. That is, would you say you lost respect for him, similar to the way you lost respect for me when I made the cat noise when he said that? Definitely not equally, but I did lose respect.

Was it more for him or more for me? I think we don't even need to humor that with an answer. You're right, him, totally. The Māori population, I don't know exactly how big it is, but Ekatauna is a little town in New Zealand, the middle of just, I don't want to say nowhere, because that's insulting. But it's not, it's the Missouri of New Zealand. It's no, it's no hubbub, like, bustling city center. No, it's no Auckland. Thank you. You look that up.

It's no Christchurch. Absolutely. And it's no, uh, all right, ready? What is the name that you gave me? Ikatahuna. Ikatahuna writes, hey guys, so I'm 20 years old and I just saw a hooker. The strangest part is that I haven't got the slightest clue why. I'm at college and I can and have gotten pussy many a time. And normally I would have laughed at any. anybody who pays for sex. But for various reasons, I'm not in the best place lately, and I thought the answer would be to see a hooker. Wrong. Now, as I write this, I feel like shit. Worse than shit, in fact, more like a scum-sucking scumbag, degenerate piece of filth. I mean, I obviously use protection, and I'm not a complete moron, but I still feel like so dirty. All I want to do right now is to take a scaldingly hot shower using bleach for shower gel and give myself a VD test. Now, I don't expect Amir to be experienced in such a situation, but I'm sure Jake is a beast in this regard.

How do you make yourself feel like less of a turd in these situations, Jake? Please help. I want to just, I want to say that I resent the implication. That I would never pay for prostitution? That I would know how to deal with the situation like this. It's funny, because earlier you're like, how dare he think I got a prostitute? And then Rose was like, have you ever gotten a prostitute? and you're like, well, I paid a stripper once to blow me. $300.

$300. That was a joke. I'll tell the story. It was. A joke story? Here's what happened. I was in Las Vegas, okay? Rewind.

Sin City. We are going to rewind. I'm going to take you way back three and a half weeks ago. Getting my time machine. It's a little broken. It can only go back a month. It was a couple. It was like two years ago. I was in Las Vegas, and I went to, I visited a strip club, as a lot of people do. Huh?

Did you go to Vegas with a girl? No, I was, and I was in Vegas with my boys. With my boys, my girls. Is that Amir? I think Amir might have been there. Was it when we were there with John and John Carle the first time? I think so. Okay. And I was getting along with a dancer. Famously? Would you say famously? I would say it was pretty famously. She was talking to me about her picks for, the Oscars and that was Oh yeah you filled out an Oscar pool with her? Yeah yeah

Which is crazy because this was like three weeks after the Oscars. She didn't know. She didn't get it. She had no idea. She and then we were He fell for her intellect. I did. I thought that the way she interpreted Life of Pie was really on point. Was pie opening? So

Toda That's a good one? So I I like that one yeah. We went to the back room and she said for $200 you can do cocaine off my ass. Do you have to provide the cocaine?

Well, at that point, I wasn't really interested in doing cocaine. And least of all, I didn't want to do it off of her ass. Yeah. So I said, for 150, how about I eat a P&J? What if I don't, what if I don't want to do that? And she said, well, if you give me $200, I'll blow you. And then I said, that sounds like a fair deal. Yeah.

So I, well, actually, what I said was I don't have that much cash. and then she said, we'll take a card, and I said, okay. Can I Venmo you? And then I went over to this big scary bouncer guy. He swiped my card, made me sign like a document to make it, I guess to make it official that they weren't robbing me. Did you have your lawyers read that? I sent it to my dad, but he's a tax lawyer, so he just said it looked good, but I don't think he even read it. So I went back into the back room where she proceeded to grind on me and give me a private lap dance,

but the blow job never materialized, and I came out wondering if I should, complain or if that was just going to get me in trouble. Bias remorse? Sorry? Bias remorse? Yeah, yeah, I definitely had bias. Well, it wasn't even a buyer. Well, yeah, I paid for a product that didn't exist. It was a gosh darn bait and switch.

What you did was leave a negative Yelp review. Yeah. I said, I paid for a blowjob, but I actually got fucked. So this is your case for you not being a good person to give advice about sleeping with a prostitute? Yeah, because he never actually collected on the sexual goods that he deserved. You'd have no idea. I resent the implications.

All this, suffice to say, I resent the implication. I genuinely do. So I'm sorry, tuna sandwich, but that's what was his name? Ekadahuna, dude. Eka de Tuhuna. But what I would say is, don't use bleach in the shower. And don't give yourself a VD test. How do you give yourself a VD test?

How do you give yourself a VD test? I don't think you should. Is that just like a really close examination? It's like, yeah, it's a magnifying glass. Can you show that to your next girlfriend and it's like valid? Yeah, you sign your own little card. I've never ever gone on a date with somebody without bringing a clean bill of health just to show them that I don't have VD or explicitly that I do have VD.

Do you ask your dad to draw up that contract? Yes, my dad, he's a tax lawyer. I've mentioned that, but he has done off the contract. Well, I feel like he's better with contracts than you are. That's a tax attorney, which contrary to what you guys say, is not a glorified accountant. Now, where do you... I love my father. Rose, since we don't usually have a female presence on the show.

show. Where do you land on the prostitution scale? Are you virently against it? Are you totally cool with it? What is virantly? Like, are you extremely against it? I'm virally against it. Isn't that vehemently? Is it? What's virulently?

Vyrulently. I'm virulently. Are you totally against it? I'm fertilely against it. You're fertile and against it? I think that it's the oldest profession in the world. I don't want to do it myself. Right.

But more power to. them. What do you mean more power to them? They're victims. They're hapless victims. I don't know. I don't know, dude. I can't believe Jake's the voice of reason right now, debating prostitution. Well, no, that's not fair. That is not fair. I don't have a judgment on prostitutes because I haven't been in a situation where that has been a realistic thing in my life. But I feel like it's their deal. If they want to, like maybe certain things...

None of them want to do it. That's not true. Have you seen some of those high-class escorts? You know what, even I have an opinion on, I, it's, I have an opinion on escorts and I think they're victims. And I think no matter how empowered they feel, they're actually victims of, of, of, of, of, of, of a misogynistic culture, of a money hungry, bloodthirsty, lusty. I think it's, I, I'm violently against it. But you'll still pay $200 to experience. She never blew me, dude. she never blew me so what did I pay $200 for?

Sorry I helped her sign up for her fucking classes I think she was at the UNLV I think she was taking a pottery class and I think $200 gets her gets her buying it she's not a matriculated student but I think she can get there and guess what I didn't make her fucking swallow my load

Jesus see I didn't see my seed she didn't touch my D I think Rose needs to take a bleach shower after this conversation I just think I just think you know certain problems aren't something that I understand I don't have to I'm not in that position I don't understand what it must feel like personally I wouldn't be okay with selling that as a product but look some people are terrible in relationships and really mean to

girls and why is that any better than being like able to do it as a business negotiation I'm sort of with you I mean I don't quite fully understand I don't know that morally it's so I don't I don't know that it's so reprehensible when, when Jake's just shaking his head. This is the first time I feel like, we've reached his moral limit. I think that is kind of closed-minded to say prostitution is bad. I think that's,

I think that's very close-minded. So you think prostitution is good. I wouldn't say good. You think a woman selling her body for money is good. You think, you think pimps rounding up women. Excuse me, Jacob, but why on earth would you assume it's just women?

Here we have another just narrow-minded example. example from the brain, from the shriveled up peanut brain of Jake Hurwitz. This is, wow. This is, uh, you've been, you've been skewered today. That could clearly be a male. That could be. What is male prostitution okay for you? No, of course not.

It's not at all. No prostitution's okay. What about porn? Porn's not prostitution. Why, aren't you getting paid to have sex? So if I'm taping a prostitute fucking me, that's okay? No, I'm also not okay with porn. But I mean, like, I don't give, I, I,

so you don't watch it? I love watching porn. I watch porn all the time. So you are totally implicit in it all. Yeah, I mean, oh, I don't think McDonald's is good for me, but I like the way it tastes. I'm too lazy to like make a real change, but I can, hey, I got a fucking podcast. I can speak out against things. What if you join the Bigot Society of America with Amir Bloomingfield?

Huh? The Bigot Society of America. I am not a bigot. A BSA. Being against prostitution does not make you a bigot. I'm unsure. I can see. I'm really, I'm genuinely trying to see it from your perspective.

And I know, and I feel like you're. Your heart is true. I'm saying prostitutes are strong, empowered women. I'm saying it's... You're saying there's a world that could possibly exist. Where maybe in the same way that for porn stars, I don't have a judgment on porn stars, because for them they can do that,

and it doesn't make them feel sleepless at night and unhappy. I think the danger is... Well, no, oh shit. I'm not getting genuine by accident. Let's talk about this after the podcast. It's their body. God forbid Jake Hurwitz gets genuine. No, I can't do that.

Not here. Not now. Not like this. We're actually out of time, if you can believe that. We're more than out of time. We usually like to keep this under 45 minutes. We're at like the 55 minute mark. I'd very much like to know the, just why don't we end with the cat.

Oh, yeah. The reason? Okay. You guys were juggling and rose through an errant ball and it went outside. And as a joke, I went like it hit a cat. Oh. And then you were like, oh, I really did. don't like it when men, men are people, humans.

Humans do cat noises. Any other species beside cat doing a cat noise. Yeah, it's bad, no, no. Yeah. Oh, oh, any, you don't like it when humans do animal noises. No, I don't like it when any species beside a cat does a cat noise. What about when a parrot does a human noise? That's embarrassing.

What about a human doing a parrot noise as a human? So I'm like, ow-oh. Does that bother you? That's not bad, actually. I found a new pet peeve. A pet pet. It's me in general. Thank you so much for coming on our show, Rose.

How did it go? I mean, it was great. I was here anyway, so it was easy. Yeah, yeah. You didn't even realize we were recording for the first half of it. We just had to come into your room to do it. Yeah. You just ended my celerium and we went from there.

I clipped a little wireless lavalier mic to you when you were asleep and shook you awake halfway through the podcast. But I'm glad we got to do it. It's fun. Thank you so much for having me. And do you want to plug anything? Any movies or TV shows or whatever that you're in that you're on, that you want people to watch?

I mean, I'm not a plugger. I am not very good at that. Do you want me to mention some stuff and then you'll stop me? No, no, just, you know, I hope that I come back and maybe one day I'll have done stuff that you guys like. That'd be cool. Yeah. Or maybe you already have. Maybe I have.

And they don't even know because you won't say anything that you're in. Exactly. So I like to leave it with an air of intrigue. You know my name. You know my name. You know my number. See you. We are going to put your number in the show.

See you on Kupid. You know my stance on prostitution. Let's do it. Those are the big three. But I'm not a prostitute. Just don't forget that bit. So if you have your own questions of your own or your own theme song, you can email us at If I Were You Show at gmail.com.

That first one, I don't think I ever mentioned, was from a dude named McLean, who had submitted a song before, and that was his second song that he submitted. And this last one is from someone named Cullen. Thanks so much to all of y'all for listening, and we'll be back soon. Peace. Living in this moment, never understand. while we're living in slow motion

sometimes I need a hang so I call my brothers Jake here and Amia here decided we don't know what to do and just how do answers I quote