If I Were You - 65: Nice Guys Finish Last

Episode Date: March 3, 2014

In this episode we discuss ghosts, sneezing, and Seal. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox -- Delicious/nutritious snacks delivered to your home! Check them out: bit.ly/1idZxFp See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Amir. New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps, plus fries, and a medium soft drink for just $8. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Later. There is so many problems that you can face all the low. Podcast show.

Who's sex is, dicks hard, not the bill. Did you know that broken shows can ease all your problems and lighten your burdens you see. Baby my past. Oh, my baby. Can't see you. We're out of time. That was good, but it was weird, right? Why was it weird?

That was Kiss from a Rose? Yeah. What other timely song could he possibly pair? Why? I mean, it was, I mean, you clearly was talented. But what an interesting song to choose to parody. Yeah, because it's not like Kiss for a Rose has anything to do with our podcast. No, it's not even like, it's not a, like a, I don't know, that's, I, I'm mad about it.

Really? Yeah. I hate to put seal himself on blast. It tickles my brain in a bad way. I don't understand what. happened. Well, that song was written by Samuel Gray, and he has a bandcamp page. So if you go to planetary archive.bantamacive.bantam.com, you can hear more of his songs. I think... They're all seal covers. Can you name one other seal song? Um, no. Did he have other songs? He must have,

right? He's seal after all. Seal is very famous for someone named Seal. He's still, yeah, he's still famous. Did he have any other songs? He had one song. And then he married Heidi Kloom. Yeah, and his name is Seal. Yeah, well, that's pretty cool. Just, hey, my name is Michael, whatever.

I don't know what his real name is. But you can call me a seal. Let's seal the deal. Heidi Klum. May I be your groom? I want to be named after just a really slick, wet animal. You can call me not the seal, just seal. That's right.

Not walrus, not otter, I'm seal. Hey, it worked. There we go. We're still talking about him. Yeah, thanks to Samuel Gray. Hey, this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Am Amir. And I'm Josh.

Oh, we didn't tell people that you legally changed your name. Yeah, I'm now Josh. Yeah. Sort of a different guy, different vibe, better person, chiller man. That's me. That's Josh. Yeah, you wanted to change your personality, but instead you just changed your name. Yeah, and I'm using it to get pussy.

Yeah. Now that your name is Josh, you can finally get pussy. I can't tell you how many times... The only thing that was holding me back. That was your name Jake. That fucking loser name. You think if you had a worst name, you'd hook up with less girls? How bad we talking?

Amir bad? Dary not. Yeah. As many girls? Trev? Mm. It's interesting. I would probably have to give myself a nickname.

Like Jake or Josh. Or seal. I don't know. I don't think my name is ever like a deal closer for anybody. But it definitely helps your case. You're like, oh, I'm tall. I'm cool. I'm Jake.

Yeah. It's like, oh, I'm tall. I'm cool. I'm Morty. I'm tall, I'm cool, I'm suave, I'm Trev. Hey, did you hook up with that guy, Trep? No, I was going to, but I don't want to tell people that I hooked up with a guy named Trev. I met a dude at a bar one time who was like, I named my son Hunter, just because I thought someday, somehow it might get him laid.

Wow, that's pretty cool. Yeah, really cool. Who told you that? Some dude at a bar in New Haven. Some way, somehow. I just really thought, like, maybe one day it might, you know, it's not going to happen all the time, but one time it might get him late. It's a cool enough name. And it is.

Hunter? Hunter's a pretty badass name. Yeah, it's true. Because it means you hunt. Yeah. Yeah. It's much better than Seal, which is an animal that's hunted. Oh, shit.

What about the name hunted? That's kind of cool. Oh. Hunted. What's your name? Hunted. How do you smell that? Hunter?

No, hunted. People are looking for it. me. That's kind of cool. You're like, I'm America's most wanted. I'm hunted. Yeah. I'm hunted.

Hunted Hurwitz. You know, some people are named Walker. Mm-hmm. So, uh, another name would be walked. Yeah. Yeah. Hunted and walked. Just, bad, names that are just past tense verbs.

Walked, Texas Ranger. Hunted S. Thompson. So how does the podcast work? Well, we get emails from people in sticky situations asking us for advice. We don't know why, but I don't know. I guess they're desperate. And we do our best to help them advise out of their terrible places. We give these real emails, fake names, to preserve their anonymity.

Since it's Oscar Sunday, why don't we go with Oscar names? I like that. Yeah. So we need a dude, a dude who is nominated. for an Academy Award. A dude nominated for an Academy Award. I'm drawing a blank. I cannot name one person that's ever been nominated,

Matthew McConaughey. Oh yeah. He should totally win. He should win for True Detective. Oh, man. I guess if this is coming out tomorrow, we'll already know if he won or not. So I'll just say, Oscar winner, Matthew McConaughey. Right. Hey, guys, so I'll be going to college in six months.

Last weekend, I visited campus for a three-day, two-night trip with a bunch of other incoming freshmen. I met this girl there who I immediately hit it off with. But then I had to go home at the end of the weekend. Now, it's been a week, and we are very interested in each other. But we both think long-distance relationships are dumb. We have six months before we can actually go to the same college and can actually date. What can we do to avoid A, not enjoying the last six months at home because we are only thinking about the future, and B, burning through all the emotions of an entire relationship before we even see each other again

and then not want to date once we do actually see each other. Love Matthew McConaughey. Oh, Matthew McConaughey. This guy's very emotionally intelligent for an 18-year-old incoming freshman. He's not emotionally intelligent? Yeah, he doesn't want to burn through the emotions of a relationship. That's like a very mature question to ask. I guess the immature stupid thing is entering into a relationship with incoming college freshman who you met it

orientation week going into a long-distance relationship and then guaranteeing you're going to date her when college starts. Well, he doesn't know if he wants to date her or he doesn't want to be with her during the six-month interim. Or does he? I don't know. reread the top of the question? We immediately hit it off, but I have to go this weekend.

Now it's been a week and we are very interested in each other, but we both think long-distance relationships are stupid. We have six months before we can end up going to the same college. So what can we do to avoid not enjoying our last six months at home because we are only thinking about the future and be burning through all the emotions of an entire relationship before we get to see each other? I say. So he basically doesn't want to ignore her and then lose her, but he also doesn't want to get into a hot and heavy relationship right now and then not see her again for six months. Well, they should even date when he gets to college. Oh.

No girlfriends, not in college. That is your single time. That's your rule. That's your single time, bud. But what if you fall for someone? You can't control that, can you? Falling for someone? Yeah.

Sure you can. You can control falling for someone? Every move I make is calculated. So you can say, oh, I'm just going to hook up with people and then not allow yourself to fall for someone? No, that's not really true. I don't know. Man. Sir.

Sir. Seal. Ah. I do think you guys. is do you should not get into a relationship on like an orientation weekend. Yeah, but you can have a crush on someone on orientation weekend. Well, he's saying how do we how do we not burn through all of our emotions? Yeah, he's like, okay, now I'm texting her every night and then we're going to have phone calls every night.

Yeah, stop doing that then it's going to escalate. If he doesn't want that, then he has to stop doing it. So he just has to de-escalate the relationship. Yeah, there's a lot of things on your plate right now, Bub. You got to imagine that like this is your senior year of high school. This is your last summer with your friends. Don't enter into a long-distance relationship right now. Enjoy the ride.

Right. And then see what happens when college starts because she's not even going to be the only girl there. She was the only girl at this orientation weekend where you had three nights and look what happened. So imagine you have like four years. Imagine you have a thousand nights. Yeah. It's college is amazing. Okay.

It was the- Your college was awful. Okay, look, that's not fair. Isn't that true, though? Yeah, I had a bad experience in all four colleges that I went to. Which is funny because you're such a... It seems like you would have an amazing time at college. Yeah, it was weird.

I think I was so anxious to, like, be a grown-up that I never wanted to be in college. Meaning, when you were in college, you wanted to be out of college. Yeah, when I was in college, all I wanted was an apartment. And now that you have an apartment, all you want to do is, go back to college. I miss college, dude. You have more fun in college now than you did when you were in college. Oh, that's definitely true. Like, we were at Syracuse the other weekend and we just raged our faces off. Yeah, but do you think you could have done that at age 18? No, I tried and I wasn't allowed into parties. You like, that's the shitty thing about, I mean, I don't know, all schools are different,

but the shitty thing about where I went to school my freshman year is like you had to, number one, know someone at the party and then give somebody five bucks for a cup and then still get shit on the line when you're filling up the beer and like yeah it was just it was like hazing the entire time yeah it's not fun to go out to those kinds of parties i had some sort of weird drunken realization when we were out partying in syracuse which was it took me 10 years past college to become cool enough to be a cool person in college and then now that i'm a 31 year old hanging out at college parties it's definitely not cool so i went from being uncool in college to being cool in college to being cool enough, but the fact that it took me 10 years is now even less cool than being uncool in college.

It's too late. It was a lose-lose situation. A lose, lose, lose-luser. I'm a lose-lose-loss. I was uncool then, and now I'm, I guess, even less cool now for partying at colleges and it's 31. And, yeah, just sort of trying to, like, figure out how cool you are at college parties. Yeah, that's the 31-year-old, you're still, like, analyzing being cool.

I feel like we talked about this on the podcast, though, when we were like psyching ourselves up in the bathroom at the Yale concert, at the Yale show. Like, should we go to this party? Like, it's going to be fun. All right, let's go. Are you sure they won't think we're losers? And then we go in and it's just like a bunch of 19-year-olds hanging out.

Yep. Good times. Slightly sad, but good times. Ultimately great. So your advice is to taper off this relationship. I would say taper it off. What would you say? I would say, yes, try to taper it off.

But it's hard because it's like, if you have a crush on someone, you do want to talk to them a lot. It's hard to be like so self-aware that you're like, I like this person, but I can't let myself like them more. So I'm going to not text them. Right. That usually sort of like sets you up on that downward spiral or, you know, not necessarily downward, but you're caught up in that vortex of your emotions are going to be like going into overdrive because you're trying to tell them not to. So I guess like as long as you're Talk to her or do your thing As long as you're happy

And as soon as it starts like being stressful Like that's not a good thing And I think he want What he wants to do is like Keep that line of communication open Like maybe a text every Five to ten days That way you're just like constantly

In that person's consciousness 10 days That way you're just like constantly In that person's consciousness But it's not like a constant stream of communication That way when she hears from you or you hear from her, it's like exciting. It's not like a daily basis thing. That's good.

10 days. That way you're just like constantly in that person's consciousness, but it's not like a constant stream of communication. Yeah. That way when she hears from you or you hear from her, it's like exciting. It's not like a daily basis thing. That's good advice. Really? Yeah.

Thank you. You're welcome. Okay. Do you think I'm a good advisor? No. Oh, bless you. Excuse. me.

A little sneezeru. Yeah. A little Sunday, so how am I so to remember that? Episode 65 will go down in history as Jake's first live sneeze. Episode 65, aka the sneeze. The sneeze. The sneezle. How am I so much to remember that?

Episode 65 will go down in history as Jake's first live sneeze. Episode 65, aka the sneeze. The sneeze. The sneeze, yeah. This is Jake's first live sneeze. Episode 65, aka the sneeze. The sneeze. The sneeze, yeah.

The sneeze. I'm the sneeze. Jake's first live sneeze. Episode 65, aka the sneeze. The sneeze. The sneeze. The sneeze. Yeah.

The sneeze. I'm the sneezal. Was it when you said my diets, ridiculous. You're talking to your mom about how unhealthy you eat. Your mom's like, oh, maybe you're sick because you're nutritional, your bad nutrition. You're like,

I don't know, what did you, how did you say? You have to understand, I usually eat garbage. My diet's ridiculous. What is that impression? I don't know. I have no idea what that was. Oh, mama, come on, mama.

Sort of like Danny Zuko. Yeah. Oh, Sandy. Yeah, my diet's ridiculous. Yeah, I eat garbage. I sit, I wonder why, y, y, y, y. Oh, why. Fries, fries, fries, oh, fries.

Yo, Frank's Red Hot, Franks Red Hot. I wish you're trying to get them to sponsor an episode. I love Franks Red Hot. Yeah, but I don't think that's how it works. That'd be a cool thing to do for when we run out of sponsors. Yeah. We do like a wannabe, like, ad get. Uh-huh.

And we said to Frank's Red Hot and be like, hey, we just advertised for you guys for free because we're such big fans. Right. And now we give us money to advertise again in the future. I mean, we didn't even notice you guys moved a single needle on Iota. So why would we pay? Thanks, Franks. Thanks. I actually just saw a Starbucks commercial for the first time ever.

You saw a Starbucks? A TV Starbucks ad. That's cool. I love Starbucks. I follow them on Instagram. Yeah. They don't need ads. Yeah, they just have a lot of stores.

People are just oddly addicted to their pretty much not very good coffee. How dare you say that? I mean, the fact that I like their coffee means it's not good. That's not true. Because I'm not a coffee drinker. You like McLemore. Do you think he's not good?

I think he's great. I think your opinions are valid. I think I only like things from Seattle, I guess. Yeah, your opinions should be celebrated. Seattle, Seattle, Washington. But I'm not a coffee drink. I feel like coffee drinkers don't like Starbucks. I guess, well, I mean, I'm a coffee drinker and I like Starbucks.

I guess coffee snobs don't like Starbucks Starbucks? Yeah, I guess maybe not, but like, fuck coffee snob. Fuck a coffee snob, dog. Yo, I'm an every, every man, coffee man. I'm an average Joe, an average cup of Joe. From my favorite place on earth, Starbucks. My die's ridiculous. My die's ridiculous.

Who is it? It's like sort of Will Smith's sort of John Travolta, aka the world's most popular Scientologist. Yes, the perfect man if you just remove John Travolta. All right. Next question. Yeah. We need a female Oscar winner's name.

Oh, Sandy. Sandra Bullock. She is classy. ravishing. She's an independent. Class coming out of her ass. Absolutely. She is She's got an ass full of class. Rividing. She is riveting.

She is riveting. Hey guys. My name is Sandra Bullock. Longtime listener, first time writer. So here's my problem. I've been texting this guy for a while and we've hung out a bunch of times. It's been a few months and we've hooked up and all. But last night I was talking to him and he said something rather disturbing. He told me that he believes strongly in ghosts. and he sleeps with a kitchen knife next to his bed every night

because he's scared of the ghosts that live in his house, which he thinks is haunted. All I could think of, sorry, I tried to be sympathetic, but all I could think of was, what the fuck? Is this enough to break it off with him, or should I give this ghost boy a chance despite this weirdness? Please help, Sandra Bullock. Sandy, that is a weird predicament.

I think the problem is not that he believes in the ghosts, but that he's afraid of them. You can't date a scaredy cat. He also doesn't understand ghosts. Butchers a knife to stat... They're transparent. Everything goes right through them. You can't fight a ghost with a knife.

That's not smart. That's not how you do it. The ghost's probably going to use the knife against you. What you need is a ghost-busting box, a device. What are you going to call? Bano. Ban on. No. Ghostbusters!

Could you fall in love with someone that strongly believed in ghosts? Um, I think so, yeah. You think so? I mean... You don't think you'd be like, nah, you're stupid. I'm not sure I could fall in love with someone who's strongly believed in anything. Oh, interesting. What does that mean?

I like when people are flexible. Oh, so you like someone that doesn't have any strong beliefs? I don't know. I guess there's like some strong beliefs, like, I don't know. That's not necessarily true. But I mean, ghosts, that's pretty weird. Would you say if you believe in ghosts, you're dumb? No.

Because, I mean, I don't know, but everyone believes it. To me, it's like somebody saying they believe in God is like saying, I believe in ghosts. Right. It's just, yeah. Okay, how about this? Do you think if someone sleeps with a knife next to their bed because he's afraid of a ghost attack, would you say that person's dumb? Yeah, I would say that person's like a pussy.

Yeah. So you can be like, I think it's okay. I can sort of be like, oh, yeah, I'm like in touch with my spiritual side. I believe they're like, I don't know, that sounds insane. But like I believe in ghosts. It seems sort of like a statement I could like talk to someone about. Like, why do you believe in ghosts? And they have, like, maybe they had an experience or they have a story or whatever.

Right. But if they're like, yeah, I believe in ghosts. And I'm actually, I'm pretty terrified of them. And so much so that I try to. I keep protection near my bed In the form of a knife That I can stab said ghost with Just in case

I was in a knife fight with a ghost There was a poltergeist And I And I tried to kill it with a poultry knife Still got it Poulter and Geist Poultry Knife I will say that was Episode 65

We'll go out in history as the first live sneeze And one of the best one of the best examples of wordplay that I think I've offered. Here's a question. Is a poultry knife a real thing? Yes. A poultry knife? Yes.

It is. I think so. It sure sounds like it should be. Want me to Google it? You're like, I don't want to take anything away from this perfect rhyme. You can buy a knife for poultry? Of course. So what kind of knife is it?

Is it different than it? So there's steak knives and poultry? knives? Yeah. Like, oh, we're having chicken tonight. Take out the poultry knives. I will say, poultry knife is, yeah. It's a thing. Yep. It's a thing. Yeah. A Victorinox poultry

knife, three and a three quarter inch straight vent, boning knife. I like to imagine you're not looking at Google right now. You're just closing your eyes and remembering something you read. Remembering my dad stabbed me with a poultry knife. I would say,

I guess I'm a I agree with you. It's okay to be spiritual enough to believe in the possibility of ghosts, but to keep a knife by your bed and be afraid of ghosts is something that maybe you should grow out of at age eight. It sounds like he's an 18 to 25 year old. I don't know how old this person is with an eight-year-old's brain. Is there anything that you're like that level of scared of in your life still?

I guess I don't like B. So I do, yeah, I carry around a butcher's knife. If I go on a hike, I know that I need to stab bees. I'm really accurate with my bee knife. I've killed many, many bees with my bee knife. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think, I don't think. I'm definitely not that scared of real things, let alone things that are probably not real.

Yeah, wow. I would, like, why does he still feel like he needs to sleep with the knife next to his bed. How many nights in a row has he not seen a ghost? But he's still like, no, it's haunted and I want the knife there. I just know for a fact that the first night where I keep the knife away. I mean, there's a reason they haven't attacked me and I think it's the knife. And if I keep it away, all of a sudden, they've lulled me into a false sense of security and the ghost will attack me.

That's actually smart. I'll say that. A ghost has never attacked a human. That's the first thing, that's the first thing people should know about ghosts. Yeah, that's true. The ghosts always just creep people out. like you close a mirror and then you see a translucent six-year-old girls sitting at the foot of your bed. Why do they always always like a six-year-old girls that are so scary too?

It's like always like a girl that died or a tiny little black-haired girl. Yeah. Like I could kick the shit out of a six-year-old girl. I honestly, I'm not trying to be a diva, but I could like, I could wipe the floor with any kid, boy or girl, five to ten. No problem. I beat the shit out of them. Especially a ghost. Yeah, especially a ghost girl who's like malnourished and and rotted away in an insane asylum.

I could fucking destroy her. Yeah, especially because she's probably, she's probably only there because an adult actually killed her at one point. Exactly. So she's already proved her weakness. It's true. And now you're ready to get at her again. That's a lot of the times like the girl from the ring, she'll crawl out of the TV and you're like super, you're scared. So you're like, your defense is up and you're like, oh, no, no, don't hurt me.

But like if you were a little more forceful And like the girl from the rain crawls out on the TV You'd be like, yo Yo, what the fuck do you think you're doing? What? And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I was trying to scare you. I'm like, yeah, well, I don't think so, bitch. Get back in the TV.

I ain't afraid of a fucking six-year-old. You don't need a knife. Just tell it off. Would you say you ain't afraid of no ghost? I ain't afraid of no ghost. That's a really funny line of that song. I ain't afraid of no ghost. Yeah, I guess you're not afraid of no ghost.

You shouldn't be. I'm afraid of no ghost. You're not allowed to be afraid of anything. As an adult. As when you grow up, you can't be scared. You can't be scared. What was last time you were scared? The other day when we came home and the door was open.

Oh, yeah. Like, you can be scared of people, can't you? Robbers. Not me? I'm afraid You can't be afraid of robber I ain't afraid of no person I ain't afraid of no crime

I guess I would be afraid of a robber If he was like in the house But pussy Maybe I would I mean I have the bat Yeah Yeah you have a bat

Yeah So What can a robber have That's worse than a bat I guess yeah If he had a gun it would be Yeah But I batted away the bullet

Yeah Yeah like uh So he'd shoot it and then you'd hit it away like a fastball. Yeah. And then it would hit out, ricochet off your bat and go through the guy's throat. I don't know if I could do that,

but I could definitely foul it off. You small, petty, self-aggrandizing asshole. You think you can foul off a bullet? Yeah. Yeah. I think I could. I think if I... I can deaf make contact,

maybe a bloop single to left field. I'm not about to lay down a fucking bunt like a coward. But I swear to God, I can at least turn two bases out of this thing. You think I could hit a bullet with a bat? I don't think it's possible to do that. That'd be like a weird sports science documentary thing. Yeah, that's cool. All right.

We got Raoul Mondesie to try to hit this. Raul Mondesie? That's like the level of ex-MLB players that they can get for this weird experiment. Louis Soho. We got Louis Soho here to try to hit a 31 caliber rifle. just shoots him in the neck. I don't know anything about guns. Is 31 caliber a thing?

I don't know anything about guns either. I never shot a gun. Do you know what caliber means? Isn't caliber like the width of the bullet or something? Oh. That's totally a guess. But it must be right. I don't know.

I'm not looking that up. Poultry knife I needed. All right. Should we take a break or was that kind of a break? This was sort of a break. But is there anything that you want to take a break about? Um, is there anything we want to talk about? Um, Monday.

We have a show on Thursday night at Colgate. Yeah. Do you happen to go to Colgate University? If you go to Colgate, go to our show. Nine people? Yay! That would be huge. Finally.

If nine people listen to this show, they go to Colgate? Do you think that's a lot? Yeah, I guess that's a good amount. That's a lot. Colgate University, what up? Colgate. This show's just for you. Yo.

Yeah. Yeah, I got nothing. Great. Oh, the email address that you can email us is at FIREU show at gmail.com. You can also please keep sending theme song submissions. Hardly counts as a break. That was not. That was...

It was three plugs. I don't know, it wasn't. You don't break down any walls, dude. Talk to me. I want to know who you are. What? I want to know who you are. This whole podcast is us talking about stuff.

I fucking love you. I'm right. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it. I love you. Thank you. I appreciate that.

This is insane. Yeah, it is insane. It's called saying I love you too. Actually, you should be saying it first. I love you two. That's what it is. I didn't say anything else. I know.

You've never ever fucking honestly. Yeah? In our friendship, have you ever told me you loved me? No. You don't think you have? No, I don't think I have. Do you love me? I guess I love you as a friend.

Yeah, that's all I need. Thank you. Why did it have to take me? Why did it have to drag it out of you? Why, have you ever said, I love you to me? I think so. Oh, yeah, definitely. When you were sober?

I think probably. I've definitely said it about you. Like, I love Amir, two people. Oh, yeah. I've said that in front of you. But you're a very emotional guy. I don't say I love anybody. to anybody. Right. Do you say I love you to your mom and dad?

No, I don't think so. I think they just feel that love. I never say I love you. Wow. That's so weird. Maybe it, no, yeah, no, I don't. Never? You must sometimes. I must have sometimes. But I'm not, we're not like the type of family that says it at the end of conversations. What about when you had a girlfriend, would you say at the end of conversation, would you be like, all right, I'm going to go to work, I love you? Uh, yeah, girlfriend more. Because, you know, bitches need constant reassurance.

Yeah, bitches be crazy. Bitches need validate me. And bitches better say that to me too because I need the love more than they do. Bishes, bitches be better than me. Yeah, bitches better tell me how much I mean to them. Otherwise, uh, my existence doesn't mean anything without said bitch's validation. I love you. Thank you, man.

I appreciate that. and I think that you are also good and I have strong feelings for that for you as well. All right. Third question? Yeah. I mean, yeah, yes. What's the fucking point? Third question.

Love you. I already said it. I love you as a friend. Why do you have to qualify it like that? What do you think I want out of it? What do you mean? Like, I will. I love you.

Like, you think it's like a gay lover thing? I'm going to misconstrued as like a romantic thing. Or like, I love you like a brother, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. I love you as a brother. Yeah, but just say I love you. You don't need to be like, I love you as a brother. All right, how about this?

I'll say I love you as a brother and then I'll mouth the as a brother part. So it'll be like. All right, that's fine because the mic's in front of your mouth anyway. I love you. You moved the mic. I saw it. I also think it was a bit of an audible whisper. people heard the mushing of your lips against your gums this will forever be known as the podcast where

I had the live sneeze the amazing wordplay and where I finally got a mirror to tell me he loved me the big three this is a podcast for the history books people I think if anybody out there is taking our oral history this is the one this is the one to point your friends to you when things got more than real they got true, they got honest, they got got I wouldn't say that's more, I would say

there's just synonyms for real. Yeah. Yeah. Things not only got real, they got other things that are what real means. Valid. Yeah. Valid. Things got valid. Let's get to our last question. Okay. Sort of apropos.

We need a guy's name. Matthew McConnor. No, we already used him. He is that good. All right. Matthew McConaughey writes... Who's another guy that was nominated for an Oscar? Leo DiCaprio. Leonardo DiCaprio.

Right. So I was dating this smoke show for a couple months. We were getting along really well and we had a lot of, had a lot in common. The bad news hit when she went to a party, got drunk, and made out with some other dude. I broke up with her and have moved on. but I can't help but thinking that maybe I need to change my approach. I am always nice and polite to girls, but things end up going wrong. So my question is, do nice guys finish last? Should I be disrespectful towards women?

Ha. Thanks always for keeping it real. Love Matthew McConaughey. I thought it's Leo. Oh, love Leonardo DiCaprio. That is such a bad question. Should I be a jerk? Ha!

No. But is there something to that? I don't think so. You don't think there's something to the fact that you can be so nice that it's borderline boring and girls get disinterested in you? I guess I don't think there's ever anything boring about being nice to people. Maybe if that's all you are and you're not funny and interesting, that's, and you're just like boring and nice, that's not good. But I don't think it's like being a dick that makes people attracted to you. So what is it?

Just like being hot. But isn't there something hot about being a little edgy and mean? Maybe, I guess it's, I mean, it works differently for everybody. I don't have any of that. What do you mean? I don't have like an edgy meanness in me. Sure you do. You think that I'm like, you think I have meanness?

Yeah, I think part of your appeal is that you're like very open about how dishonest you are. Oh, right, right, right. That's like, oh, yeah, I don't treat people nicely. And like, oh, that's interesting. That's intriguing. And, like, when girls tell girls about your, like, you're like, oh, when girls try to dissuade girls, they're like, that only drives them closer to you. Yeah, that's true. But that's not like me being a mean.

That's sort of me being a scumbag, I guess. Right. But you're not being super nice and super polite. And you think that's helpful. I'm always nice and polite. So what is it? Um, just being hot, I think. like having nice lips

it really comes down to not being cool or edgy as much as it is having nice nice lips right like my features are good and I'm tall and I like and I'm and you have a cool name yeah and I'm I would walk into a room and people are like oh this guy is attractive and then somebody is like oh do you know he's famous yeah and then somebody else is like yeah he

actually is rich and then who says that I don't know just like people it's sort of a buzz And then so then I'm in a room and I'm, and then I'm, um, attractive, right. Rich. Good lips. Famous. Uh-huh. Great lips.

And then I have like, um, and then I'm just charming when I start talking to people. Yeah. And then you have that confidence because all the other stuff is correct as well. Yeah. So what's the question? Do nice guys finish last? Yeah. Is there something to the fact that perhaps you can be too nice that borders on boring that allows, uh, or causes

ladies to not be interested in you. Yeah, I don't know. I guess you just have to like choose what ladies are going after. Yeah, I mean, on one hand, it's accurate to be like, just be yourself and you'll attract the ladies that are attracted to you. So if you're super nice, you're going to attract a super nice lady who doesn't want an even an iota of bad guy in them. However, I do think even beyond that there is something to, and I might have heard this

before where I'm like, two. too, I have not like an edginess to me. And that can come off as boring. And like that could lead to people being bored with me. You're talking about you yourself specifically? Yeah, yeah, me, myself. Well, you're funny though. So that's, that gives you an edge.

Right. But it's not like, yeah, I don't know. I mean, you don't smoke cigarettes. I don't smoke cigarettes. I don't wear leather jackets. I'm against tattoos and motorcycles. And those are all the things it takes to be cool. Yeah, at least in 1958.

But yeah, I think it does, it isn't terrible idea to be a little, a little edgy and a little, I don't know, I don't want to say be mean. Right. Well, I don't think being an asshole is ever good. No. I really don't. I guess you could, there's no reason to be overly nice to someone if you don't feel like it's suiting you or better in your situation. Yeah, I don't know. But at the same time, I don't want to tell somebody who's super, super nice to be a little mean.

But what can they do to make it not as boring? I guess just be a little more aloof, make people feel like they have to work for your affection, not be mean, but just be like, I'm interested in a lot of things and maybe not necessarily, like, am I gung ho interested in you being super nice? Because I think that's more what turns people away, less than like, you know, not people just being like really nice, but just people sort of being over-interested. So like just be silent for a little bit. Yeah.

Or that quiet game. Yeah, don't say anything. Brood. Leo, you're good at that. Or rude or rude? Rude. Oh, be rude. Brood.

Brood. No. Root? Be rude. Brude. You should be brooding. Be me. What do you mean?

I'm good at that. Oh, I'm good at not saying anything. I was talking about Leo DiCaprio is good at brooding. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that too. But it's also true. like maybe Stace, I don't know,

I don't even know what I'm saying at this point. Like I just, I don't want to say be meaner, but at the same time I feel like being too nice

can be a bad thing. Yeah. I guess being overly nice is not necessarily good because it may, it does make you. Kind of a pushover, kind of a,

but I think what's, not as exciting. What's hot is to be like unavailable. I find that like if I'm at a party, I'm doing a lot better if I'm like, if I'm sort of like being a social butterfly.

I'm like walking around to lots of different conversations and like I'm not really, I don't have time for anybody. Right. And then I like, someone who has seen me like bouncing around everywhere, like see me sit down and just focus on them. Yeah. And it's like, oh, wow. All right. Now I've like, I got his attention. Right.

Something that he hasn't given anybody at this place so far. Right. So I think it's more about that, less about being mean and more about being unavailable because that's hot. There it is. Okay. So you said it for me so that I didn't have to say it at all. Don't be mean, be unavailable, or quiet, or seemingly disinterested. Or just be Leonardo DiCaprio.

Is it too late to give that video advice? Because that's what I want to say always. Be Leo. Beio DiCaprio. Uh-huh. Be Leo de Cibrio. That's right. That's right.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's officially our time. said where you can send emails to, so I don't even have to say it again. I don't have to say if I re-show at

gmail.com because we already mentioned it at the break. Yeah, we don't have to tell them to send their theme song submissions there too. Yeah, even though they can. That first one was from Samuel Gray, and this next one is from Audra Evans. That name sounds familiar. I think we've played a song of hers before, but this

one's also very good. We'll be back on Thursday. It's a short week. So we'll see y'all soon. Cheers. Love you.