If I Were You - 65: Role Reversal

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

In this episode we break down last week and look forward to the future.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. That was Lacksadaisical and Dr. Meet you two pathetic hoes Sadness That was lax-a-daisical and lazy. You phoned it in. I went ham. I danced like a fucking madman. And you stared placidly ahead. You raised your fingers when it was time to raise your arms. You barely cracked a smile at any of my jocular motions.

And now you're being taciturn as a cowboy. Ready Bill, let me do all the talking. A cowboy. Not much to say, partner. You know those famously quiet creatures in Western Civ? Cowboys. Yeah, yeehaw. All right, we're back.

This is Segments, a podcast about segments. And we're coming off a pretty controversial episode last week. I didn't realize it was going to be such a hot button debate. We touched a raw nerve. I'm serious. This country is too polarized. And we're just split down the middle and it's like, we can't agree on anything. Literally anything.

This guy is blue. Maybe the segment was fine. Yeah. I feel like if I said I liked ice cream, I'd have the fucking woke liberal mob at my door with pitchforks. I see. I see. I like milkshakes.

All of a sudden I need to do a notes app apology on Instagram. How is that good? I mean, come on everybody. Last week, if you guys didn't listen, Jake and I, we went into the show with an idea to play a game with an indefinite ending. It was just, we would try to say the same number,

one through a hundred, at the same time. And when that happened, the show would end. And it took 45 minutes. More than that segment, we went into last week's episode trying to make art. We tried to create something new, something beautiful, a game that had never been played before. And we just wanted to create some esoteric joy, but what, what

became of that game has been a pretty vitriolic public discourse, would you say? It was a whirlwind on Reddit, a storm on Twitter, and the Discord was abuzz with this shit. The blue sky turned into a stormy gray day with all of the discussion. The fighting, the infighting, it caused a civil war. We listened to it all, and honestly we enjoyed it all

because everyone was giving their honest feedback. None greater than Rainer on our Headgumz Discord just broke the entire episode down for us. He did the Lord's work. Wow. This is what we did it for. For somebody like Raynor to do a deep dive and tell us about our psyche. A box score. So if you missed it last week,

Jake and I would say three, two, one, and then say number one through 100. So let's, yeah, let's just do a quick two version example right now. Okay. Okay, ready? Yep. One, two, three, 42.

Okay, so there we go. I said 62, Jake said 42. Didn't hit. No. Obviously it's not gonna hit all the time. Hell, it barely hit once. I had no idea how many guesses we even did. Like that was one guess.

I actually don't even remember what the- I would guess maybe we did 50, maybe we did a 500. I have no idea. Right, it felt like a long time, but it also felt like no time at all. Right. Do you ever remember what the final number was? Was it 67? How dare you

forget? I genuinely have no clue. It was a really important number. What was it? Not only was it an important number, you came up with a great way to remember it. Oh, which was the year in between our birthdays. Oh, it's 84. That's right. Wow. It's actually really poetic if you think about it like that. I'll never forget it again. So here's what Raynor said on Headguns Discord. I ran some statistics on today's ep and it took the boys 118 rounds, shout out to my birthday, 118 rounds to guess the same number. Whoa.

The exact number of rounds is somewhat subjective because there were some joke guesses, but he delved into the numbers. Guesses over 100 were excluded from his analysis. So as you can see, Jake's guesses were on average slightly higher. His guesses averaged to 49 compared to Amir's average guess of 47.

Pretty close. Which is interesting. That means I was hovering right in the zone. Yeah. You just below it. That's right. And so far today, I guessed 62, you guessed 42. So maybe we're overcompensating.

Very cool. Amir's favorite numbers were 19 and 29, which he guessed five times each. So in a perfectly random distribution, 118 guesses from each of us, we would have hit every number probably once, So in a perfectly random distribution, 118 guesses from each of us, we would have hit every number probably once, maybe said the same number twice.

But the fact that I said 19 and 29 five times each. You were fixated. Also interesting, you never guessed 19. I never guessed 19. You're trying to steer me there because you're so stubborn. You're trying to guide me. Your favorite numbers, which you guessed four times each. Do you have any idea? No, no, I don't 32 and 63

Wow 3263 that yeah kind of tracks. I don't know why 32 I like 32. I remember being being 32 and thinking it was a fun age. I had a fun time guessing numbers that were ages I had been. I don't know why I did 63 so many times. Yeah, who knows? And because it's just so random.

Here's another interesting one. Our favorite numbers together were 41, 51, and 90. I just didn't say 20 numbers and you didn't say 26. Here's another interesting one. Our favorite numbers together were 41, 51, and 90. I just didn't say 20 numbers and you didn't say 26 numbers. 26 numbers I left on the table. That's right. And collectively, throughout the entire episode, we missed nine numbers.

What numbers did we miss? Neither one of us said the same nine numbers? Yes. 54, 65, 76, and 87. Note that these numbers would form a diagonal line on a 10 by 10 grid that we were looking at. That is very fascinating, I think. That's right.

I think. Anybody who hated this episode really hates that we're spending another episode doing a retrospective on it. This is an oral history. So if you loved the number episode, you're going to really love us diving deep into what made us guess 63 four times. Amir likes nines and hate eights.

Both boys like ones. Amir guessed many numbers exactly once or five times, Jake guessed many numbers two or three times. So we were all over the place, but there was some sort of pattern forming. And at the end, we did spike 84 together. I mean, it's kind of fun to see it all visually. I can't link to it,

but if you guys go to the Hedgum Discord somehow, you can see this guy's full detailed analysis of it all. What's his name again? Rainer. Rainer. I wonder if there's like, like if we could give Rainer even more data, like if we did just a quick one, two, three, 29.

29. 36. Not bad. Not bad. Yeah. But careful, cause now I'm sort of starting to get the itch to say the same one again. Oh yeah.

So let's tread lightly. Or maybe let's do five in a row real quick, see if we can get it. Then we can boom, get that fucking feeling out of the way I don't hate that give me count me in okay three two one twenty five three two one thirty one eight three two one eight nine teen three two one eighty Three, two, one. Twenty-one. Twenty-one. Three, two, one. Fifty-nine. Ninety-nine.

Yeah, I mean, I'm already reminded of how hard it was to like, get it. Yeah, and how- I have PTSD, but also PTSD, which is post-traumatic joy. Syndrome. Post-traumatic joy syndrome. Post-traumatic joy? PTSD, post-traumatic stress syndrome, or P-T-J-S, post-traumatic joy syndrome.

Yeah, syndrome. Yeah. Syndrome or disorder. Mm hmm. Oh yeah. Let's just try to get one real quick so that we could stop thinking about it. Yeah, let's just get out of our heads. Get into the zone. The auto zone. We have some interesting, cool, fun, new segments planned.

We don't have to play this fucking game again. Right, but let's just nail one down. It took us 118 rounds last time. I think obviously now that we've been playing for a bit, we would be able to get it a bit faster. Yeah, I mean 118 is a little embarrassing, but it was our first time playing, so like. I would think the goal is under faster. Yeah. I mean, 118 is a little embarrassing, but it was our first time playing. So like.

Yeah. I would think the goal is under 100. Yeah. Right. One, two, three, 92. Like that was really close. Yeah. That was really close.

We're on the precipice. Yeah. One, two, three, 41. And that was a little further, but it's still kind of in the same. It's in the same column. I'm picturing the 10 by 10 square. Yes, exactly. That gave me, that unlocked the world for me.

You forgot the number. I did forget it. You said it unlocked the world. You had post-traumatic joy disorder. But you didn't even. Because the joy was the journey, not the destination. 84 actually is my least favorite number because... I hate it. Because it ended the game and I I'm unique I guess I like I feel the rush to play.

Three, two, one, twelve. Eighteen. We're both in the teens. Three, two, one, thirty- 18. We're both in the teens. Three, two, one. 33. 34. Okay. Three, two, one.

Nine. 65. Three, two, one. 72. 72. No wonder. It's a fun game. I think the haters, what the haters need to do is that they need to try it at home.

Yes, exactly. It's obviously, it's tough to listen to the greats play it. But sometimes- It's an addiction a little bit to play it. Yeah, yeah. Cause now I just wanna, I wanna have the rush to hear you say the same number as me. Three, two, one, 25.

21. One, two, three, 74. One, two, three, 95. I get the frustration because sometimes I can imagine it's hard to listen for people at home who are like,

they know what number I'm gonna say because I feel like I'm kind of like, I'm a rock in this game. You're coming at it at such a weird angle. Like I can't even understand where you would like, to say 95 right there, your brain is so fucked up that like, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get there. I think that's what people didn't like about the episode

was like your sorry ass guesses. Because like, imagine seeing me throwing the perfect alley-oop over and over and you just can't, try as you might, your busted ass fucking sorry frame, can't get above the rim. So it kind of felt like a fate accompli. One, two, three, 41.

Wow. And you know what I'm doing? I'm actually using the data because I see on the data that we like the number 41. And I said, you know what? Maybe I'll try to do a number of mere likes. I'm trying to get in your head a little bit. And we're constantly bouncing around, rarely saying the same number twice,

but you know, randomly the same numbers could hit once, twice, three times in a row. Yeah. It's a fascinating game. It's a study of society. You know, we're all hunter gatherers. Yeah. The eons that have passed from when we, from when we stood up from all fours, from when we crawled out of the sea and evolved and actually walked out of the cradle of civilization, the words of God carved into stone.

I might not vote again. Why would we? I'm so disillusioned with the whole process. Like none of these people on the left or right represent my best interest. We're just, we think we're making our voice heard. It's one, two, three, eight. 16.

Do you think Columbus was a hero? It all depends on perspective. Like I thought 16 was never gonna get said and you just hit me with it right away. Cause you have literally every number between one and a hundred to choose from. And now I feel like we're getting back into the exact sort of format that people didn't,

some people didn't appreciate last week. What do you mean? Like the idea that we're just gonna play this game ad nauseum like that's not what they signed up for. Ad nauseum ad astra. Correct. It is written in the stars. It is a fate accompli. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes because I said it four minutes ago. Three, two, one. Eighty-four. Forty-one. Three, two, one.

Seventy-nine. Oh, I thought we were saying the same thing. Three, two, one. Fifty-five. Oh, exactly double. Three, two, one. Seventy-two. Three, two, one.

Thirty-seven. This isn't good radio. Like, that's ultimately why one, thirty-seven. This isn't good radio. Like that's ultimately why people didn't like it. Right, cause it's like, what are they, it's basically, they're obsessed with this weird thing and when they get the number, they think it will be good for anyone listening, but it's not.

It's a build up to something that's not necessary. Yeah, it's like tantric sex, but you're not building to an orgasm, you're building to like popping a pimple or something. Blewer balls than ever. Like, yeah, it's just not, it's not gonna be that satisfying, so why tease it out? I actually, I don't have post or pre-nut clarity.

I just have this foggy. I have mid-nut chaos. Mid-nut brain fog. Mid-nut in Paris. Three, two, one. 96. Three, two, one. 44.

Three, two, one, 44, three, two, one, 85, three, two, one, 18, three, two, one, 43. So I think this is fine because a lot of people said, this is my last episode,

I'm never gonna listen to the show again, aren't even listening to this. Right, so the people who are listening now love it. Yes, we're basically, we're culling the herd and creating an audience that loves this game so much. That loves our new show, which is us playing this game week to week. Would you have fun if that was the podcast?

I don't think so, but it's only good when we get it. Right, now that we've started, does it feel like, it feels like the kind of episode where we're just gonna play this game the whole time? No, no, because we have some great segments planned. And as soon as we get it, we can move on to those other segments. Okay, so let's just fucking-

Let's get it out of the way. Hammer through a bunch. One, two, three, 15. 90. One, two, three, 52. 37. One, two, three, 48. 39.

One, two, three, 78. One, two, three, 83. 83. Very nice, very nice, but it's not good enough, is it? Three, two, one. 22. 92. Three, two, one. 39. 39.

Three, two, one. Nine. 53. Three, two, one. 66. Three, two, one, sixty-one. It seems impossible now. Like I can't believe we got it. We're not even. Do you, yeah, it's just like.

I don't think we'll get it today. So I think we just have to, let's both say what number we're gonna say just so we can scratch that itch. Yeah, okay. I think I might, what if we do this? Let's say I'm gonna go- Well, tear it down to like two or three numbers

or like a number with a nine in it. Exactly, I was gonna say I'm gonna go big, round, juicy. We're going to the juiciest number. Okay. The juiciest number. Okay. Okay. Yeah. One, two, three.

100. 188. Let's take a break. Yeah, right, two, three. 188. Let's take a break. Yeah. Right? We're gonna have to do that. Obviously. Obviously. We're not, we're not ready to be on a show together right now.

No. So let's take a beat. No. Let's take a really long look in the mirror, actually. Yeah. We'll come back and I honestly think we'll fucking get it. I really do. We're gonna figure this out fam.

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slash segments. ["Losers"] And we're back. Okay. Should we play another segment? Sure. What do you want to do? Super quick.

Three, two, three, three, two, one. Ten. Okay. Let's do five guesses and then we'll move on to the next segment. I think we have to because it's going to be, it'll be be stuck in my I won't be able to really move on until we say The same thing right, but I am ready to Three two one forty five Three two one

seventy three Three two one six ninety-one. Seven. Three, two, one, ninety-two. Forty-one. Three, two, one, sixty-six. Eighty-four. You should have set the magic number there.

I was ready to hit it with an eighty-four. It wasn't random. If we hit eighty-four again, it wouldn't have counted. So I didn't even wanna waste it. Yeah. That was five from you. I'll burn through five real quick. Okay.

One, two, three, 39. 37. Very close. Yep. One, two, three, 24. 24. 42. One, two, three,

79. 79. That was close. One, two, three, eight. Eight was close. One, two, three, 84. Why'd I say 84 again? Why did I say 84? You're like way, way, way in your head. You're like, you have the yips. Like you're like an athlete that has the yips.

There's a hitch in your swing. Yeah, right. I need to just get into that flow state where the flow state, I'm seeing the numbers before I say the numbers, where they pop up and they announce themselves to me. Should we just do like a hundred in a row so like people can skip it if they want,

but like we'll get it eventually. Skip ahead past this cycle. Like let's literally not stop until we get it. Okay. Okay. Yeah. All stop until we get it. Okay. Okay. Yeah. All right, we'll take turns counting in. So I'll count in for five, then you'll count in for five.

Okay, and we might get it like on two, so it doesn't even, it won't even last that long. So don't like skip ahead, because the odds are we'll probably get it shortly. Just listen. One, two, three, 13. 35. One, two, three, 78. 61. One, two, three, thirty five. One two three, seventy eight.

One two three, forty nine. One two three, sixty two. One two three, seventeen. Alright, three two one, 33. 34. Three, two, one, 62. 87. Three, two, one, 56. 54. Three, two, one, 59.

37. Three, two, one, 89. 89. What'd you say? Nine, I just said nine. God. Wish I said 89. What'd you say? Nine, I just said nine. God. I wish I said 89. I wish I said 89.

Yeah, cause then we can. I have a good idea. One, two, three, 11. 35. One, two, three, 58. 29. One, two, three, 73. 31.

One, two, three, 73. One, two, three, 69. Oh, I thought you were saying 16. I thought you were saying 16 when you said six. I really thought it was gonna be 16. I wasn't saying 60. I was always gonna go 69. 60 is just as far as anything else. It just wasn't 69.

I said 16, but that's fine. You already said 16. A lot, I say a lot of numbers a lot. Yeah. It's crazy that it's starting to seem like another one of these episodes. So let's just fucking, we said we'd keep going. Yeah. We're not, let's not discuss we said we'd keep going yeah we're not not

discuss it anymore yes exactly three two one eight ninety seven three two one 321 50 46 321 30 35 321 29 321 7 That was close.

321 99 What did you say? I said 2. I said 99. What'd you say? I said two. I said 99. 99 and two. One, two, three, 48. That was really close.

One, two, three, 61. One, two, three, 44. One, two, three, 44. 77. One, two, three, 58. 78. One, two, three, 79. Why'd you say that? Because you counted up from 70 something, I think. That was a red herring. I'm trying to get you to the point where you're not looking for the pattern.

Like the whole point of this thing is to go blank and you're like trying to solve this like a math question. Well the whole point of it was to kind of address the controversy to say that we appreciated the feedback, that we are better than this game, that we have new segments that we're gonna get to, that we took everybody's criticisms and critiques to heart and we went down, we had a long hard look in the mirror and we said, we're going to do better.

We're going to come up with some really cool segments, high effort, high octane, interesting, um, unique ideas. And we came back and we just needed to get this out of the fucking way to, to be like, okay, we know how to get to the same number, one through 100, that's not an issue, Amir and I are in sync and let's move on and let's do the show that the people deserve. Yeah, and again, I do have a really good segment idea.

And I'm ready for it. And I'm down if you want to just- We have to get it done in this segment so that we have enough time to do like the next one, which is kind of fun. Yeah, okay. Okay, so let's get it done. Intermittent.

Three, two, one. 43. 14. Three, two, one. 39. 30, seven. Three, two, one. 23. 80, two. Three, two, one. 1, 31, 7, 3, 2, 1, 98, 3, 2, 1, 45, 3, 2, one, forty-nine. Twenty-seven. Three, two, one, seventy-three.

Sixty-two. Three, two, one, eighty-nine. Oh! I mean that's a fucking record. That's a fucking record. Nobody gets it that fast. That was sub 30 minutes.

That was really fast. And I want to say probably half the guesses is last time. Yeah. And that, and another, and another 80, isn't that fascinating? There's something about the 89s, 84s, like those numbers feel more special to me now. Yeah. They mean a lot. Light it up and take a puff, special to me now. Yeah, they mean a lot. Light it up and take a puff, say the words now.

Yeah. Yeah. Do we? Pass it to me. What? Do we go for the record, the world record? Oh, that's where we get two in a row? Yeah, or is that like opening up a whole

new fucking Fandora's box? It's kind of fascinating because to do one more round, it's to besmirch this 89. Yeah, let's let the 89 sort of breathe for a second. Well, I was going to say, yeah, at the same time, if we go just one more round and say the same number right here, that's an iconic moment. Yeah, that's history.

It segments history. We retire the show with that. Yes, people will assume we're cheating because the idea of getting one in a hundred twice in a row is almost mathematically, statistically impossible. Yeah. Okay. Let's just do it just to be like... Okay. And maybe so we don't put so much weight on it, let's just do it just to be like, either make history. And maybe so we don't put so much weight on it, let's do five each again, if that makes sense.

That way we're getting like, whoa, we did it in 58. If we do it in this run. Yeah, in this run, that's what I'm saying. If we do it in this run. Yeah, okay. Three, two, one. Don't, sorry, sorry, sorry. Don't have one in mind yet either. Don't, I don't, sorry, sorry, sorry. Don't have one in mind yet, either.

Like, don't like come into it with something, like a preconceived notion of what number do you think I would hit. Right, exactly. One, two, three, thirty-seven. Ninety-one. Yeah, so that's, okay, go. We have a run of five.

One, two, three, twenty-one. Sixty-two. One, two, three, forty-four. Fifty-eight. One, two, three, 44. One, two, three, 36. One, two, three, 81. Now I feel like that run has erased the joy, has erased that spike from you and I both guessing 89, and we need to play just so I can just feel that we can't keep playing that we literally cannot keep playing this game

well what else are we gonna do we have like other ideas I had a fucking full slate of segments ready to go and are you ready to are you ready to do that segment? Are you ready to test those segments out? Or do you feel like, my God, imagine they went from last episode where they took an entire episode, they can only get one, to this episode where we take an entire episode, but we get two. That's doubling our best effort. That's iconic.

We did do it fast. Let's see if we can get it in the next run. Let's see what happens there. Like I'll count it down this time though. Yeah. Yeah. Three, two, one. Eighteen.

Three, two, one. Thirty-two. Three, two, one. Fifty-six. Fifty-five. Three, two, one. Fifty-six. Fifty-five. Oh. Three, two, one. Ninety-one. Fifty-nine.

Three, two, one. Ninety-three. Ninety-three. Three, two, one. Forty-six. Forty-six. Okay. We're getting, we're there.

We got it, we got it, we got it, we got it. Let's take a break. Let's take a break, we got it. And we'll come back with a real fucking segment. An actual segment. An actual segment. Not this fucking children's game that we squeezed for a fucking hour and a half

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One, two, three, 82. Hey, hey, focus up. I don't know if I can do this anymore. What the game? Let's just move on, please. Yeah. Okay. We'll, we'll put everybody out of their misery or their joy. We don't know what your experience is.

If you love it, this is the best. To be fair, I don't even know if I like it. No, because it's, it's a, it's a game that you're set up to fail 99% of the time. It's a weird, it's a game that you're set up to fail 99% of the time. It's a weird project. Actually, I don't know if I like it, but I'm fascinated by it. Because the idea of playing gives me a lot of, it fills me with excitement.

But then losing round after round after round, questioning everything, it sucks everything out of me. And I actually really hate it and I grow despondent. And then, yeah, guessing the same number feels really good, but it doesn't feel as good as it could. It doesn't feel as good as it should, as good as you would hope that it would feel for the low that it brings you to.

We really should be playing to get it twice in a row. Yeah, well another amendment that I kind of thought was to write one down and then say the other. So you kind of have two opportunities. And the ultimate would be to say it and have us both written the same one down. How long do you think that would take? 10 times as long, 100 hundred times as long, quite frankly.

It would be two years of episodes. Yeah. Yeah. It would be like one of those fucking trick shots on TikTok where I'm like, how long did this take? And they're like 29,000 attempts. It took me six years. Do you think, you know, in a long weekend, if we had the entire time, we could, and our lives depended on it, we could do that. How long of a weekend? Say the same number. Friday and Monday off?

A three day weekend. Starting Friday afternoon. So Friday 4 p.m. until Monday at 11 a.m. So we would, yeah, we'd have about 72 hours. We would get 72 guesses correct if we'd played once, one correct guess an hour, which is sort of what we're averaging. Maybe more if we just don't take any breaks

to talk about shit. Right. Like get 150 attempts. So yeah, I guess we can get it once. The writing and the name. But it would also, it would, writing would take a time. It would slow us down. Yeah, I guess you'd have all of the cards

kind of shuffled up. If we were actually gonna be executed on Monday at 1101, I fear that I wouldn't be able to do it. If, oh, if we were gonna die, both of us? Yeah, our lives literally depended on it. And if we get it, do we get a joy or it's just we're trying to avoid death? Yeah, you'd get a blowjob from the alien

who was threatening you. And he's kind of like doing this weird experiment to study our society. He wants to see how our brains work and if this is possible because I guess it unlocks some kind of inner solar travel. Like the key to our brains is the key. It's like it mimics the highway of the universe. Yeah I would do it. So does he? Yes, so this alien would actually suck you off at the end.

I think I would do it. Yeah that's's cool. Okay, should we say what the segment idea was? The role reversal one? Yeah, let's nail down this number thing. It's hanging over everybody's head. They wanna know if we can get two in a row. We didn't get two in a row. We already got one. All right, fine, yeah, let's do it.

Unless you think we can get two in a row starting now, which is absurd. Right now. No, let's do it before they cancel our podcast. Okay. So I sent you a link to Jake and Amir Tinder. I thought it would be funny to do a role reversal. Do we have enough time?

We're running low. Why don't we just play the game until time runs up? And then if we get two, that's awesome. And if we don't, that's also, you know, fine. Three, two, one. 26. Okay, so I'm gonna send you the script for Jake and Amir at Tinder.

I see. I'm gonna play Jake and you're gonna play Amir. Finally, I get to be the wacky one in one of these episodes. Yeah, this is an interesting one to reverse our roles for actually. Yeah, and then you can choose one that you could be me for. Okay, are we doing the intro?

Yes, let's do the intro too. Okay. Hey, you're watching a pimp and a mirror. Nice. I'm a pimp. I know. I am. Jake and Amir are at their desks, Amir's on his phone,

Amir's playing with some wind up chattering teeth. Jake abruptly burst into song, which startles Amir. I'm swiping, right? I matched on Tinder. She is 16. 16? 19. Easy does it.

19. What did I sing? 16. Pervert. That's illegal. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Okay. 16. Pervert. That's illegal. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Okay. Okay. Alright. Good. So we're clear. She's 16. 19. You got me saying it.

You said it first! Anyway, this is a snatch made in heaven. Alright, 19. Her name is Lod. Lord? Lod. L-O-D. Made in heaven. All right 19. Her name is Lord Lord Lord Lod as in she's got double D's. It's French or some shit and I'm gonna French Her tits wonder if I should get tinder. I'm gonna stop you right there I wouldn't do that just cuz you're what my tinder coach would call an app killer

I wouldn't do that just because you're what my Tinder coach would call an app killer. You're someone who does just get left swiped. You actually inspire people to delete the app. You're ugly. Mean. Sometimes the truth hurts. You gotta embrace it. I was an app killer myself before I met Chet. But it only cost me 50 bucks per match to become Mr. Right Swiped.

Loser! You have a Tinder coach? Goddamn right I do. How many matches have you gotten? Just the one. Just the one so far, but I've only been right swiping for a year. Amir makes an incredulous face, Jake mocks him defensively. Long time. The trick? Shirtless pics! That's right, a topless pig for this thick dick makes the chicks... Oh. Oh.

Oh. Why? Jake vomits. Jake vomits onto his desk. Amir watches in astonishment. Jake spits out the last of the vomit and continues. Sick. Holy shit, how?

I fingered a cat, dude. At a shelter. Inhumane! I guess I'm just excited about my date with Lod tonight. What a weird video. That's not a good reason. With Lod! Where are you taking her? Get this, dude.

I'm gonna meet her online. She's got a cam and I am her man. Me and a couple other choice bachelorenos are going to kinda jerk it while she talks. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. She's a bot. The fuck did you say? I mean, it's clear to me. Whoa, buddy, what the fuck did you say? I mean, it's clear to me.

Whoa, buddy, what the fuck did you say about my girlfriend? These photos are- I'm gonna tell you one thing right now, but before I say what I think you're about to say, this bot, as you're gonna call her, callously, she might be my future wife and the mother to my future children. So please, I beg of you, actually scratch that. I demand of you proceed with reverence.

All tread lightly. Fucker. All these photos are of different strippers. Meaning? Meaning this one's blonde, this one's a redhead, this one's Asian. Yeah. Well, it keeps you guessing, man. Meaning this one's blonde, this one's a redhead, this one's Asian. Yeah, well that keeps you guessing man, that's why I dig her. Plus we really connected over chat, things got real. Yeah, she wrote, hey cutie want to see me tonight? Go to livecamgirlwhores.co.nz and enter your billing info.

Yes! I kind of like when girls ask her what they want. I think that's sexy. Maybe you disagree. You responded, I don't have a credit card. That's the status realization. Realization of all, I don't have a credit card. Can I PayPal or Venmo you? I think this could be the real deal and I'd hate to lose you over a technicality load.

Sorry for me telling her what I want to. She responds, sorry cutie, no cash, need billing info. Fair. You write shit shit shit, okay, calling my dad to not hang up please. I was worried about losing her. She writes, don't worry cutie, this is a text conversation, there is no hanging up. She's there for me when I'm feeling weak. All right.

By the way, I resent the implication that I'm not good at texting. I'm a Casanova in that regard. Yeah, you finally respond. My dad yelled at me, but I cried, cried, cried, and mommy was able to make things right by snapping a pic of dad CC. There we go.

Everything's right in the world. Sending you some major coin as we squeak. She deserved it. She says nothing. Didn't have to. You write again, I love you. Cause I do. She said nothing.

Didn't have to. You write, I love you so much, Lode. I do. I love her so much. She says nothing. Didn't have to. So much load I do I love her so much Didn't have to Cuz then okay cuz then you said I'll see you tonight on the cam. I love you What don't you understand she's playing hard to She just wrote back, can't do tonight cutie.

What? I withdrew a thousand dollars from the account as a holding fee for next week. No. Yeah. No. Yes. Load. What?

Why load? I forgot a good chunk of that video. Yeah, still holds up. I wonder if we can do some alternate endings for episodes. Interesting, yeah, this one could be, Lode actually comes in because you don't believe she's real. So she would be real and like very loving to me but still kind of bullying in some way.

Every time we cut back to her, it's a different woman, a different ethnicity. Okay, let's do, let's do prom, one of my favorites. Okay, Jake and Amir prom. Jake and Amir prom. So again, the roles are reversed. I am Jew and Jew are me. And let's just do real quick just to see

if this is like a special episode to see if we can get the same number. Oh, nice. One, two, three, 489. Yeah, all right. One, two, three, 34.

Okay, let's just move on. Uh, oh, you go first. Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. With no hands, bitches! What? I don't know. Um, okay. Amir arrives in a suit with a corsage, sits at his desk, sighs and chuckles. Gotta cut out early today. It's 4.50 and you just showed up for the first time.

Yeah, well, I gotta go to prom. No you don't. Oh my god, you sound just like her dad. Who's dad? The girl that refused to go with me. You're a bad person. Yeah, so me and my boys, I make air quotes apparently, me and my boys rented a limo, we're gonna go stag.

Why the air quotes? That's when you go alone without a date. No, that's gonna go stag. Why the air quotes? That's when you go alone without a date. No, that's what stag is. Why did you do the air quotes over my boys? Cause none of those douches ponied up the dough yet, all right? And they all said no to me. It's like, I'm doing all of the leg work.

The least they could do is not yell at me. Gotcha. So it sounds like you're going to prom completely alone. Nah, I'm going to go with Mickey, my friend. Goal of the prom is to pour a gallon of milk on the bitch that refused this hand. Why'd you raise your hand and it was really weird looking? Why milk? It covered in milk.

Okay, get this poetic justice. Don't whisper to me, okay? I don't want to know your secrets. A couple of weeks ago a few of her friends beat the shit out of King. So you got your ass kicked by a bunch of high schoolers? Not a bunch okay just Jesus Christ just two sluts that wouldn't take please I'm sorry for an answer. He pushed me into it. He pushed me into a cow dodged a bullet there. Okay, why the corsage? What? The corsage? Amir grabs a corsage.

Okay, is there an answer I could give that wouldn't result in you hating me more? I guess you could say this corsage is for an unfortunate kid who couldn't afford a gift for his date and the only reason I'm in a tuxedo is because I rented a limo and I'm gonna take them to prom myself. No.

Yeah, I didn't think so. Yeah, it's like, it's not even close to that. I know. I was gonna put this corsage on her milk soaked wrist and plug away at her fingers like they're little udders. Well, the whole school hopefully chants moo cow moo, moo cow moo, moo cow moo. All right, hey, dinner tonight.

What? Me and you, dinner, skip the fucking prom. Okay. All right, great. I just have to like swing by for like 20 seconds. No, we'll skip it, you said. I've got to go to prom for a little bit for half a second. Why?

To pour a gallon of milk on the bitch. I still want to do that. That's exactly what I'm trying to get you to avoid. It's too late, okay? I already have the whole thing pretty much planned out. Okay, well, if it's only planned out pretty much then it's not too late. Oh, speak of the devil talking on the phone.

Hey, bitch. Yeah, I hope you're not lactose intolerant because you're getting milked tonight. Good. No, good, put him on. Hi, sir. Yes, your daughter is a nobody at high school. I'm friends with Dylan, okay?

I know it's cool. He wears freaking sunglasses to class. Yeah, Okay. I know it's cool. He wears freaking sunglasses to class. Yeah, no, I am in the cool group. And we all agree your daughter is a zero. She's less than a zero. And guess what? She's gonna wake up with cheese in her ears tomorrow morning, which ain't gonna help the situation. You know what? Good. Call the cops. Good. I won't show up then. Actually, can you not do that? Because I really wanted to show up and do the milk. Well, I don't want to get arrested.

So now I can't go, oh, I dropped a G on this fricking tuxer. This was supposed to be the most magical night of my life. And you're basically telling me that I can't go because I'm okay great Bye Yeah, my my night just opened up hard so we can't hang out I might want to call it a bomb threat though, you know, cuz if the fuzz are gonna be there We might as well frickin make them earn their keep

Die that I hope talking to the phone again, Vicky my friend good news, sir There was no traffic and I'm here early. Come outside, that body you're about to see hanging out of a stretch Hummerzine, that is me, my friend. That is all me. Can you see me? I'm waving my hands, Mickey. No, you can't see me because I'm not there, Mickey.

I got stood up weeks ago on a dairy bar, Mickey. That's not my problem anymore. You skipped a line. What? I got stood up to prom, Mickey. Oh, I see. I got stood up to prom, Mickey, and now you are too. Yeah, Operation Milk, that's a no-go. I don't, I don't know, man. You spent, you spent two weeks on a dairy farm. That's not my problem anymore. That's not my problem anymore. That's your milk, your problem, Mickey. The operation is a no-go, like I said, Mickey.

All right? I'm just kidding. Come outside, because I'm not there. Come outside, because I'm not there. The end. We were good, man. We had it all. We had it all. And now we're playing. We had it all. We had it all.

And now we're playing some freaking guessing game where we still have it all. One, two, three, four, nine. 77. Let's call the episode there. We got it. Like, there's no need to be upset. Yeah, we got it halfway.

And we're starting to transition back to like reality, like real segments, like actually doing the podcast. Next week we'll keep the transition back to like reality like real segments like actually doing the podcast We'll keep the guessing game to one segment and then two segments will be new and fresh after that Yeah, and then we're going back to full episode after that exactly It is carousel want to hit it twice ideally Okay, thank you for listening if you want to watch us again We're only doing these video episodes of our podcast when we're in the same room.

So no more Zoom video episodes on our YouTube. So if you wanna watch us, you can still check out our Patreon at patreon.com slash J8. Maybe we could do some of these role reversals as Patreon content too, cause we could do a bunch of them. That's fun. It was fun to switch.

It's fun to read the scripts. Yeah, I always wanted to be the silly Tinder dates man. Yeah, yeah, and I love reading Mickey lines. Put me in the corduroy pants next. Watch me fucking cook. Can't wait. And we'll be back right here next week at the buzzer, three, two, one,

14. Close. Yeah, we shouldn't have forced it at the ender, three, two, one, 14. Close. Yeah, we shouldn't have forced it at the end, unfortunately. Yeah. Yeah. What was the point? That was a Head Gum original. Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the So True podcast, now on Head Gum.

Every week, me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions, and we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies

like Brittany Broski or Drew Fualo, or my actual biological mother, Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it great, and if not, no worries. So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts, and watch video episodes on the So True with Caleb Heron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya.