If I Were You - 66: Hoodwinked (with Jeff Rosenberg And Rose McIver)

Episode Date: March 6, 2014

Our friends Jeff "Rosie" Rosenberg and Rose "Rosie" McIver join us to discuss stealing, scamming, and sleepy sex.This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom.com! check out LegalZoom.com for all your businessy problems... http://zoo.mn/GPfH89See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

jake in a mirror hashtag girl they could put you on a daily blog if you're really in the awesome hell there'll be stand-up regard

if I were you cause jake is a diamond ladies like to dive right on his baby python climbing inside the giant is breaking hymen siphoning brown from a girl saying it's like it's nothing till he can spit to dry until he gets pink eye and he stinks of shine who's this one hell of a guy

oh shit amir's just arrived with a handful of towels and a couple of mics a really logical brain for giving you some advice amir's steering us like a bolt to kai's and when it comes to affection he's cold as ice together they are jaking amir you need advice they will appear giving you help from a humble abode

welcome to refi where you show fuck yeah dude absolutely mental mate that was dope that was epic that was sick yo we're going on a live tour those guys are opening up for us every single show I want well I want that I want to happen

you want those guys to open up they're my fucking heroes that was so tight I have never seen jake smile so much or amir frown so much they sounded like lonely island kind of we look like the drama masks right now hey this is our first episode with two guests

holy shit that's right two guests three microphones what will happen let's find out quiet the whole time guest number one rose mckiver hello you are the closest non-consecutive you're the uh... what was that president

grover cleveland grover cleveland two non-consecutive presidents have you had any guests do more than two episodes we have been out this close back to back have you had guests do three episodes have we had three? street or maybe nah I think the street only did two oh my god I'm in the running

it's like a presidential thing you can only have two even for the first time on our podcast we have the other rosie in our life jeff Rosenberg hi are you nervous? quite quite nervous why are you nervous you're funny yeah but there's something about being in a room

with good friends and no one else that makes you nervous quiet night guess my blood boiling when we were at dinner hanging out together you were also just freaking out you just described the most serene

peaceful there's something about being in a room with good friends on a quiet night that really freaks me out well I went to like I left and went to the bathroom I didn't even go to the bathroom I just kinda sat in the toilet and texted my mom throughout the entire dinner you had one earbud in

listening to pantera thumbing the drumbeat on your thigh songs for sobbing was the playlist is that a spotify thing? no that's our songs the playlist we play songs for sobbing songs for sobbing? oh that was on a serene night with a couple of good friends

yeah songs for sobbing is a great playlist the worst night of our lives so we're gonna see what we can do Jake and I are sharing a microphone right now I urge you Jake to lean in I feel like you I mean you're definitely hogging this space if I lean in we kiss

yeah that's how I want you to lean in kiss kiss kiss which is why we never bought a fourth microphone to begin with cause this was all this is a long con from day one when you told me we should start a podcast we're not even recording at this point you coward you've labeled this the kiss mic

you want me to lean in and smooch you just do the same cause I'm already letting you jerk me off on a quiet serene night with some good friends songs are coming so Jeff have you heard the show before yes religiously listen to it wow so you know the rules right

emails from real people at ifirishow at gmail.com people in difficult places and they ask us for advice we do our best to give it to them sometimes it's good sometimes it's even better than good it's great really and you know the difference between good

great bad that's the subjectivity of advice to that I say amen alright alright alright to that I say to that I say you were saying how you hated

Matthew McConaughey's speech just because of the end I feel bad I really I love Matthew McConaughey I think he's an amazing artist I didn't connect his speech didn't resonate with me it felt a little self aggrandizing because of the end I wish you could see Jake right now setting with

an e-cigarette version of a hookah okay you're making fun of me for the e-cigarette whose e-cigarette is this it was gifted to me it was a very you were the one that brought it out it was a generous gift to be fair I smoked most of it the entire time

what is a hookah e-cigarette also to be fair it's fucking dope also to be fair it's apple flavor wait so that is real tobacco or it's fake hookah tobacco what is hookah I'm not smoking that no I don't even want to try it

is that real smoke I don't understand it's like a pen that's lighting up hookah it's a fake hookah it's a real vapor hookah it's a real fake vapor don't do it in my face no it's dude's vapor I don't care don't do vapor in my face

it's like an esmer and halo it's like an anti-histamine you're addicted to cigarettes can I say that can I call you out on that mom I want you to turn off the podcast we're not talking about turning it down now we're talking about turning it off you understand baby you're my number one bitch I love you

the death turn off the podcast mama that being said you turn it off come on lolly laura that's right lolly we had this conversation today you're not addicted to cigarettes I enjoy it because if you crave one that doesn't define addiction sure it does

craving is addiction isn't it if you have one hamburger every other day because you crave a hamburger that doesn't mean you're addicted to hamburgers and if you have five hamburgers every day because you feel like you need them I don't have five cigarettes a day I have one cigarette

every other day that's not true that's not true I have one cigarette a day maybe you're already lying you're trying to reverse justify it you bring the blast upon yourself Jake this is not fair let somebody that was bumming cigarettes off me all weekend me? no Jeff

alright let's uh should we try to get started we're gonna give these real emails fake names to preserve their anonymity and Rosie had the idea of naming them after flowers since both of their names are Rose which I thought was cute actually I thought it was pretty cute

I thought it was really cute actually first up hyacinth hyacinth there's nothing cute about the name hyacinth what about daisy beauty isn't it either beholden Jake hyacinth is a fine little sound about it

actually I'm sort of on board with that hyacinth hyacinth the male hyacinth right is there any other way to take that name? no of course not alright hey guys over the past few months I've sort of been hoodwinking

my parents of their money they have been giving me money to spend on school lunches at school events or things of that nature while I would just keep the money for myself and never spend a bill over one dollar I have collected a hundred and thirty five dollars and having never possessed more than

twenty dollars at a time you can imagine that my conscious decided that shit got real at that point much like this episode if my parents find out that I've been hoarding money they'll be furious while I continue to make bank do I have the right to this money

how do I swerve my way amongst the circumstance without mentioning it thanks hyacinth is this like Ibanez's Scrooge biography is that I never saw that the Christmas Carol it's a hoarder like Scrooge McDuck

have you seen Scrooge McDuck? yeah he was actually loosely based on Ibanez or Scrooge really? yeah so in a way Scrooge McDuck is sort of that's who Rose is talking and Tiny Tim is he Launchpad, Gizmo Duck, Webigale he's Huey Dewey and Louie amazingly enough

one half man was turned into three ducklings maybe I will read this book I'm intrigued now so how is this Scrooge-esque? I just feel like how much money is he talking about? $135 and how tightly is he holding it in his greasy

little paws? well he won't spend more than a single dollar on anything what is that? school is giving me money for school lunches I've never spent a bill more than a dollar talking about Matthew McConaughey's delusions of grandeur let's talk about this kids $135 is making bank yeah well when you're in high school

anything more than $20 is like the most you've ever seen they never said high school though they're graduate at Harvard right now it's Harvard Business School in economics clearly by social events he meant a business school class no he's probably

about this cool business idea it's telling your parents shit costs more than it does it's probably I'm guessing a 15 year old at this point so he's made more money than he's ever possibly imagine $135 is this stealing did you guys ever do this

when you were younger like take money that your parents gave you for one purpose and keep it I would take money that they didn't give me that they left around the house like on top of the washing machine when they'd clean out the pockets on like jeans but that also

I think is free money though yeah no we're not we're not questioning whether it's free or not it's definitely free the change jar at a Starbucks is free money though you've often described the money in my wallet as free money when I catch you looking through my pants you're like

you were gonna probably leave this on the washing machine as you rifle through my own wallet we used to have this thing fundraising at school where you sold chocolate bars for like a dollar each and you were supposed to collect the money I swear to god it only ended up giving away chocolate bars to all your friends

and eating them all and then getting your parents to pay the fundraising money that you then owed the Cadbury Foundation or whatever it was right did you guys have Girl Scout cookies in New Zealand yeah but I wasn't a Girl Scout right but it's like the same thing here like these dads walk around

our office being like alright other business guy can you just give me 500 bucks I'll give you 100 boxes of fake cookies and we can like make my little girl win this prize that was basically what they were doing is taking money from their rich friends

and calling it buying cookies another buck I've never read what about Sudoka Sudoka Sudoku Sudoku Sudoku so that I say amen

Sudoku is the Japanese number game Sudoku is just the Israeli word or Hebrew word for charity for charity that's right I used to collect Sudoku for Hebrew school yeah I think I still your parents give you money for lunch

if you exercise good judgment and you save your money then isn't that it's your reward you sacrificed your school lunch you ate less food so you save a dollar or two that's great isn't it is that his money excuse me

crafty of course it's his money if it's as long as it's the same family name it's the same family money okay this is you talking to your dad after you stole his doll is Venmo and wired yourself over $10,000 what do you do

with $135 you go see a movie or something isn't that weird I spent $135 on parking tickets last month and I remember the days when $135 was liquid gold I spent $135 today I'm like jack shit I spent $135 tonight on your dinner

that's true I made $300 off of all you guys today how well when I left my wallet around so at this point it's safe to assume you're a thief yeah Rosie help hang roses shelf earlier and you just

I saw you you swiped a couple designer dresses you put them in your carry on which I think is not okay there's already a listing on ebay for them no to be fair he will look divine in them oh you think he's not selling them I wear them for a week and then I sell them on Etsy

you're a pretty girl Jeff was a girl for Halloween I love being a female actually I was gonna say a couple years ago but you were also a girl this past this past October correct Dorothy when were you were you Marge Simpson my twin brother was Marge Simpson

that was startling that image when did you see that image you showed me when you were explaining all your friends to me and you gave me the list you showed me Marge Simpson is one of them alright so hey homie alright do you have a right

mine was good homie that was really good Rosie nice thank you do we have a right to this money do we all say yes sure I just think it's such an inconsequential amount of money but it doesn't matter

it's not your money you you robbed your parents spend it on something that's not at least don't spend it on drugs no it's not robbing because they gave it to him they'd be mad if they knew that he didn't spend it on lunch it's more of one specific thing but he's just saving it I guess that's fine put it towards something nice

spend it on juggling balls and pick up a new skill or maybe he's saving up for one big end of the month fucking lobster bang out meal they did want you to spend it on yourself but not on wasteful things so spend it on something that's like at least slightly wholesome

like a nice meal or go see a movie or a concert that you're go see a play and start making yourself when your parents go to bed every night make yourself lunch out of the shit in your fridge that way you don't have to spend a goddamn dime

of your own money you're triple your funds in a month and then fucking three lobster bang out some month what are you doing? invest that you save up 135 dollars in a couple months you can buy a bitcoin that's gonna rise that's not going up or you can invest in a restaurant a lobster restaurant

so instead of spending it on bang out he's invested it into like a red lobster chain are you a big investor Amir? am I a good investor? are you a big investor? I save money and then my dad tells me what to invest in so I am an investor but I don't actually follow the market

your dad is hoodwinking you right his dad's doing what this kid is doing to his parents his dad has sweet 135 dollar bank he just sold half of a share of intel and a couple shares of Kodak and he's siphoning it into his portfolio

Kodak? I don't know man see I don't even know what I own what I've learned about the stock market is that it goes up and down regardless of what specifically you invest in as long as you have your money in the market I think that's the important take away here

you want to invest you don't want to time the market I don't have any money to invest man you have money to invest in the cigarettes that you buy that's not fair you can buy some 10 dollar stocks thank you to blow

thank you to the product blow absolutely not we do not give free publicity to cancer peddlers my etsy handle is rosy mix slozzy lot of sketches lot of art work

lot of dresses you did get kicked off etsy didn't you? I've been kicked off of ebay multiple times what were you peddling? the funniest scam you tried to pull I feel like you're a scam artist I want you to tell one

it's well-intentioned the one that I remember is that you had an old dell laptop and you wanted to get the warranty so you taped up the vents and you overheated the computer to the point where it exploded

and then you took it in I gave you 900 dollars and you bought a mac wait wait let's hold what's like the statute of limitations statute of limitations on fraud you're good you're good to go yeah

oh my god the fucking dude you're getting a dell guy is here holy shit he's a lawyer now dude you're getting arrested you're getting a summits it's a dell nazim what's the name? I think you did call her a dell nazim

I have to get closer to the mic too you're right me any other funny scam stories that you have? I mean I guess that was the most dangerous I guess I'll tell it very quickly I oh boy I had a computer

I wanted to get rid of it because I wanted a mac because you were trying to sell me on a mac jake and you're like everyone's getting on the mac I'm getting arrested too and then I got rid of it in a realistic way without making it look like an accident

so I talked to IT people they're like you know what you should do take some paper clips you just want to share a goddamn jail cell Andrew Pyle gave me this idea Andrew Pyle you're listening I know you are you fraudulent Jew

stick some paper clips in the fans so it overheats and then tape up the fans and then start running a bunch of programs that will overheat a little burnout did not work we spent a day at work doing this it did not work it was super hot you could probably like cook an egg on it

I ended up going home that night cooking an egg on it it was super hot I cut a power cord the tip off and then just like strip the wires down the middle so I could like

get a little spark going welding it of sorts and then took the battery pack off where there's like the grate where it connects to the battery and then set up an extension cord next to that

I got complete I didn't get completely naked at one point because I was afraid of I was just wearing like boots because of the rubber afraid of getting electrocuting myself pretty much you're like a real life Kramer from Seinfeld

he's a lot like Kramer if anybody needs a visual right now just imagine a 6 foot 3 inch man completely naked from the neck down to his rubber boots sticking loose wires into a battery pack so that he can get a warranty on his computer

it was kind of scary I almost did electrocute myself because I had the power strip turned off and then I plugged it in and it just blew up the question is do you love your new Mac it's pretty solid I've had it for like 8 years time for another

bit of a fraudulent warranty has to be up on that the apple care doesn't last that long what about the ebay thing what about the ebay thing you sold something on ebay then didn't deliver the product I would buy things and then not

pay for them you would get them delivered to you and then not pay the money you would win the bid and be like I can't afford this I don't want it but they shouldn't send you the product until you give them the fucking money it was a social vigilante trying to teach

people lessons thank you for your product just know that I'm going to take advantage of you Robin Hood meets Robin Thicke New Zealand has a website called trade me like ebay and one time I was browsing through trade me and I saw myself advertised

what does that mean school had advertised me for sale like as a slave or like it was undisclosed it was just $1 like starting bid no reserve and I saw myself and nobody ever owned up

what was the asking rate well it was $1 when you were off it or near offer New Zealand is so weird it's like talk normal remember on Saturday when Rosin and Ben were here and they were playing rock, paper, scissors and you do I mean everybody knows

it's rock, paper, scissors, shoot and they were going one, two, three, present they also both wore tuxedos before they played it it was a very formal affair one, two, three, present you fucking kiwi that is rough dude

we have manners, we have dignity I think I want to go to New Zealand and then everyone thinks that like my little foibles will be cute you were offered for a dollar on trade me with dignity or near offer or near offer

not even I would pay that and you stole money cause I don't buy things on the internet he would get, he would receive you but he wouldn't pay for it it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy

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you can't respond I don't have to be the only one that says yes dude if you can hear that hiss of Jake on the pipe mama why are you still listening to the podcast baby you liar you lied to me mama

oh we need a flower name this one is from a lady Magnolia these are great names hey dudes I have a boyfriend of 3 years he likes to act like he's the big man in our relationships and sometimes act like he is the king

and I'm just a random maid slave and I'm just a random maid slash slave I say act because really he is a nice guy that values my opinion a lot and usually won't make me do things that I don't want to do I want to marry this guy for so many reasons and so I want to please him

in every way that I can however in the one area that he always wants to feel big and great namely in bed he has two strange sex habits that I'm not sure I should follow number one he likes to ask me how I feel

over and over again during sex that's annoying I just want to concentrate and enjoy the sex number two is the jealousy of slamming a woman in her sleep and should she wake up to the heavy exercise she would welcome it like a horny bitch

I'm not a horny bitch but when this happened I acted like one just to fulfill his fantasy but afterwards he is kind of angry and said that I don't know how to protect myself what is he thinking what should I do

what should I have done thanks Magnolia call them now Magnolia honey your boyfriend is psycho you mean her future fiance she wants to marry this guy for so many reasons for so many reasons it's also funny he's like

he likes to feel big and great but in bed he asks me over and over if he's doing a good job and to please reassure him that he is oh how do you feel number two he wants to fuck me in my sleep that's not big and great if your fantasies are one

you telling me constantly getting me validation that it's good or two if that all failing that you just pretend to be asleep during it and that'll be fine I wish for your sake you had listed some of those numerous qualities that you loved about him cause I am stumped

how many good qualities have to counteract those two terribly negative ones he's probably like jacked oh that's true he's probably got triceps he's got abs on abs on abs holy shit this dude has good quads I bet

um fuck how do I feel during this sex I feel like his lats are hot I feel like his triceps are on point I feel like his pecs are in my face but I kinda dig it is that crazy are you a horny bitch I'm not a horny bitch and I know how to protect myself

that's weird that he wants to fuck her that he wants to fuck her when she's asleep he's worried about her protecting herself and he's like if anybody else tries to fuck you in your sleep you're just a horny how is that alright how does that uh

work having sex with someone in your sleep you never done that no I've never done that sleepy sex I've had sleepy sex but waking someone up you're like spooning somebody and then you're cupping their waist

and then you're sort of tickling their breasts and then you touch their legs and their thighs and you're like oh what's I wonder what their pussy feels like mom turn it off and it's like wet a little bit they're still asleep I mean they're not necessarily like passed out of sleep but you're sort of like dream like state

like we're cuddling we're rubbing we're grinding and then okay this vagina is wet okay my dick's hard and then slipping in and that's nice can a vagina be wet if a woman's asleep Rose uh I feel like she's pretending to be asleep for your sake I'm not saying that she's like fast asleep

but I think you're sleepy my dick can get hard when I'm asleep a pussy can get worse sounds like we need a time last video time last video time last time to me and Jeff fucking um remember the conversation about um being told what to do

oh yeah yeah how that's not a very sexy thing right sounds like that would be up this guy's alley and that puts me off him so that's a good that's a good general sex advice is uh one not give advice or tips during sex I don't know I feel I always feel weird saying

general sex advice because everybody's so specific for me specifically I get turned off when somebody is like giving me intense direction during sex I don't I think that's great I think that like some people know what they like and that's cool but like it turns me off you know right but you're not saying

it's uh generically bad yeah I'm not saying there's anything wrong but Amir you said you like it like a GPS telling you exactly where to go yeah ideally a ways esque GPS a robotic woman voice that sort of guides me to the clitoris ideally obviously it doesn't have to give me in like square inches or miles

but at the very least oh you're now approaching your destination or whatever I guess yeah I mean I feel like I personally I think I could I think I know where the clit is but if I'm completely off it I do I guess want to be told because I primarily want

to get somebody off yeah I don't I think I guess I was saying that I don't mind instruction as long as it's productive interesting what do you think Magnolia who are you asking the woman over the phone yeah well what do you guys think what are your what are your thoughts on advice

during sex no a solid no on that would you say I think saying what you like and what's like uncomfortable but not not advice that sounds like that sounds like fun like pillow talk conversation before you're in the situation

might be more appropriate like like you can study for a test but you can't use your notes during the exam yeah or like when you're acting you don't want to be thinking about the lines you just want to just be doing it but you've thought about the lines in advance that's true I think positive reinforcement is always the way to go so where it's like

I don't want to be like no faster but I want to be like if she starts going faster I'm like yes like that I like that and then it's like that's great we're building on something rather than like warmer woman colder colder right but I would never say colder I would just say warmer warmer warmer warmer warmer and then maybe stop talking

I don't want to your colder I really really don't I feel like it takes you out of it well that's just me though you know what about less warm instead of colder yeah what about I just go completely limp yeah you just started like texting when you're not into it yeah you can tell me right now

instead of saying colder her body temperature just drops rapidly radically both both both her feet go cold she's probably sleeping we're talking about this dude who wants to fuck her in her sleep and then made her feel shitty about it

I don't like him Magnolia I don't like him one bit I think it's fine if he has a fantasy and it's great that you fulfilled it even if and like that's that's beautiful but he's gonna make you feel shitty you see he makes you feel like a slave call him out on it I mean you if he has good qualities that redeem him you should

he's I guess like you owe him a conversation so tell him tell him that you didn't like the way that went down and if he changes great and if he doesn't fuck him yeah well the first one seems easily fixable he likes to ask me how I'm doing over and over that's just like an easy thing by the way I don't like that and if he's the guy you're supposed

to marry he'll adjust accordingly the sleep fantasy is a little more troubling it's sort of a giant window into this terribly damaged psyche it seems that's no that's not fair fucking a woman he likes to fuck a woman when she's asleep and then say that take it like a horny bitch you guys think that that's fair

that what he's saying right now I think I'm on a marriage side with this only because my definition of sleeping is someone that's just like stone cold out yeah I get there moving and like like like money like there there's a big difference consciously like

acknowledging that there's a big difference between sleeping and sleepy this says sleeping I'm not saying but like he's not saying I want to like give you a drug that will make you pass out and sleep with you it's just like I want to do this role playing and I'm not saying that that's like

I'm not a doctor I can't speak to it's health but like if she's willing to do that for him then I think that's fine I think that's great some people like to be spanked during sex some people like to be like told that they're dirty horses are you like what and that's fine I like that

no but some people there I mean there's porn sites that are there's one called like I forget what it's called but it's about like a doctor hypnotizing girls to have sex with them there's some weird shit like that and I think it's fine if it's role playing as long as everybody is comfortable with it I think it's fine as long as everyone's conscious it's what she is conscious

she's pretending she's doing she's doing this for him what's not fine is that he's gonna make her feel like shit after and nobody should feel like shit that's my role no one should feel like shit thank you that's what I'm saying to you the guy should he's a piece of shit now we're getting we're getting the full

game and I don't accept your boyfriend how do you feel how do you feel how do you feel oh no are you sleeping you are getting sleepy sleepy all right perfect shh take it like a horny bitch

you gotta learn how to protect yourself there's a lot of role playing going on I think he can only ask you know you can't ask too much at once just which direction do you want to go do you want to protect yourself do you want it to be vulnerable mixed messages from the guy

and it's fair for her to have fantasies like in my fantasy you're a sleep baby like a fantasy that you're a good boyfriend yeah and like in my fantasy you know how to find my clip without me telling you exactly that's that's good there you have it what else can we say open up a dialogue

if you really like this guy he'll listen to you and adjust accordingly also Rosie and I think he's a terrible human being for wanting to fuck you when you're unconscious I want to sell the job I think if I get arrested for fraud we're fighting we're connecting this guy

to the police somehow because justice should be served the police that show up here to arrest you for your eBay stunts yeah all right all right let's let's try to get to question number 3 we were sort of saving this one until a lady was in the house

and when we couldn't get one Rose will do nice please don't leave please don't leave us obviously that was a joke I'm on the fence can you give us a female

flower name Dahlia Dahlia oh Dahlia Dahlia writes that urge to have sex is to masturbate however when I am at home my parents are too

it's harder for females to disguise masturbation than males we make more noise take longer to get off etc how do I go about masturbating without being caught I've been doing it in the bath lately and putting on music so they can't hear my moans

but I feel like it probably takes too much effort and they're getting suspicious any tips or advice great love Dahlia go into the woods right? next question can you at least tell us

which woods they are avoid stay parks Jeff you have sniped that shit that was a bullseye from 100 yards away go to the woods question number 4 why are you in the woods

blast some metallica and they'll never guess what's going on is this true do you find this hard to masturbate when you're out did you do this when your parents were around is it a weird for girls than it is for guys it's so funny to watch me ask you

my favourite thing is that my brother listens to the podcast oh total Paul total Paul so I feel like I'm very considerate of the fact that my family it's their space I would not want to make my mother and father

feel uncomfortable in their own home our girls louder than guys I don't understand that like she can't control her moans so much to the point where she's like in the bath listening to music and she's worried that her parents will hear her that sounds insane

are there walls made of paper yeah maybe it's like a very thin walled maybe it's a tent what does it have walls the woods she's not going to the woods dude leave her out of the woods is it honestly not one hour

in the day that your family aren't at home that's a good question maybe it's a student she comes home in the afternoon parents are there and then she goes to bed at 9 or 10 parents are still there she wants to get off all her old man is still in the house

just while I'm thinking about it Jeff has a fantasy about coming across a naked girl masturbating in the woods right it's very clear to us it's not more than ever that was a private conversation this is a very public forum I don't see how pillow over the face

is that a thing is that a suggestion is that a good tip I wanted to say something like that but it seems insensitive to women why just a way to mask noise it's insensitive towards noises I guess smoke alarm burn your toast

the rabbit thing or the little eggs there's tiny little vibrators that are pretty quiet I don't think she's talking about the sound of the vibrator being the problem I think it's her heavy heavy moans well alright she really you can't control the moans I mean I don't know Dahlia maybe she's got like a

tracheotomy or something try being silent you can control the moans I scream during during masturbation and my walls are paper thin sorry dad she should do the saltine challenge

while masturbating what is that four saltines in less than a minute four saltines all in your pussy in less than a minute if you can get them all the way up in less than a minute

what are you in a free trip to the woods or something your very own tree house yeah in all seriousness what about some sort of El Fresco living just nature calls once again meaning

the woods bro read between the lines well what about I used to what did you do I used to masturbate in the shower there was times when I was in seventh grade I would

masturbate in the shower so frequently that it got to the point where I stopped taking showers well I would I had kids you guys aren't going to understand because this is way back in the day where we had one family computer I had to go on to playboy.com find the free images print them out

I hid them in a where's Waldo book that I kept in my bookshelf which one where's Waldo in time where's Waldo in Hollywood where's Waldo now that's a good one is that the red one where's Waldo now

and I would go to the bathroom get a towel inside the towel sneak off to the bathroom in case I passed anybody in the hallway turn on the shower and then sit on the toilet and masturbate and it would take maybe 15-20 minutes and then at that point people in my family are knocking on the door trying to get into the shower

you have five kids in your family I'm one of six so yeah it wasn't easy to take a 15-20 minute shower there's not a lot of time for everybody to take showers so it got to the point where I would only go masturbate on the toilet while the shower is running to hide it from people and then people were knocking on the door trying to get into the shower

so badly that I would have to not take a shower and just wet my hair in the sink well this sounds foolproof so that's what I'm saying you can do baby Hannah I'm fighting Waldo leave me alone did you already find Waldo don't invoke my sister's actual name in this terrible terrible memory

that is something that is something the noise of the shower might drown out especially if it's shower and music that'll drown out your moans well that's what she's doing I don't want to go into the bath but people are getting a little suspicious why are they getting suspicious because you know long baths a lot of music

how many times a week can you do that well that is where the egg or the rabbit comes in that'll get you off a lot faster serious suggestion is use a vibrator that'll get you off faster and you can get get in more bean flicking sessions

disgusting ape you troglodyte and you put this other dude on blast for wanting to fuck his girlfriend while she pretended to be asleep she never said pretended you put that in her mouth

while she was asleep at that um I think I'm the only one that gave like a legitimate answer here as weird as that is going to the woods is the only I was talking about the bar in Brooklyn

we'll see you in line for like 1am or something middle of the night so the house is dead quiet and she's just like oh my bean oh you know what say you're learning for 1am

put your phone on vibrate mode and then just shove that iPhone right in that way when it goes off you do too I'm so sorry about that no you're right I do deserve a standing ovation what about the car

what about the car what about the car she doesn't have one she's 15 she seems too young she's like I'm at the age where I'm just starting to masturbate I don't think she has a car maybe she shouldn't masturbate no masturbation

driver's license is also a masturbation license I think that's a safe that's a good new rule you get a car you get a bit of fun save up save up go rage your father's wallet like our good friend at the start

$135 down payment on a shitty shitty car and it's a nice home away from home for you too yeah that way you can get a hummer and a hummer am I right stop blowing vapor in my face how many puffs of this e-cigarette have you had at this point

I'm fucking gone man to that I say alright alright alright you can have this on an airplane my hero is this e-cigarette in 10 years how are you putting your own acting hero on a Thursday blast that's not fair

I do love Matthew McConaughey if y'all haven't started watching True Detective I highly recommend it Dallas Buyers Club was also really great Big Matthew McConaughey fan huh did you see mud how big a fan are you huh

have you seen mud his movie mud sorry yes oh what's up how can you exactly make fun of me can ya have you actually seen it what happens what happens what's it about we don't have time we should end the podcast because Ben actually mentioned

that's how you get out of shit people that's my one piece of unsolicited advice I saw what was coming I lied the end lie lie lie to that I say amen to that I say alright alright alright always lie always lie always lie

we're out of time how did that how did that last for you Jeff did it feel like it went fast yes that did feel very very fast although I did leave the room at one point we are at the only we're at the 9 o'clock you went to the woods yeah you thought that girl had already taken your advice

and other rose how did you think this compared to your first time I didn't like sharing the spotlight oh my god that's so honest it's okay that it was with another rosy and a new friend rosy so yeah two rosies for the price of one we're getting paid you're getting

oh did you not get paid we are totally totally totally out of time and we've been so much so let's uh thanks again to Matt Curry for making that opening theme song if you have your own closing theme song submissions please send those to if I were you show at gmail.com

uh thanks again to Jeff Rosey Rosenberg and Rose McIver for being our first four headed podcast guests uh we hope you enjoyed it this last theme song is uh written by a guy named Steve Damodash

Damodash let's call him Stevie D Stevie D take us out thanks so much for listening everybody wish there was something that I could do but if you need advice just write a letter to Jake and Amir on if I were you

if you're let down, hung up, stuck in son's home awful, rotten, your boyfriend's acting like an ass, your girlfriend's acting like a slut you're having trouble letting go, you're having issues saying no why not try to get advice from two guys with an online show, stand open up and share and have your problems mocked on air

support if you're hard and send it along to if I were you at gmail.com alright that episode once again was brought to you by IllegalZoom.com visit IllegalZoom.com to save on your legal needs like wills for $69, LLCs for $99 plus filing fees and also get

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