If I Were You - 67: Howdy (with Dave Rosenberg)

Episode Date: March 10, 2014

Our dear friend Dave Rosenberg, the master blaster, joins us to discuss wet snuggling, overprotective parents, and near death experiences.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- http://bit.ly/17DIXqW. The best, easiest, smartest way to build a website without knowing how to do anything!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

When you're feeling blue, don't know what to do You should listen to if I were you Yeah! Alright! Short! Sweet! Well, I wouldn't say sweet Okay

Short Cause you're negative It was short and sweet It was like if there's a commercial for our podcast That would be like the jingle at the end That's nice When you're feeling blue, don't know what to do That's nice and that's enough

That was short and bad Uh, we finally have Dave Rosenberg on the show Dave, how are you? Howdy He's killing it already To be perfectly honest though, I think I'm gonna have to run both your necks for actually letting me on this podcast Just a poor decision Why?

What are you talking about? The stuff that I say sometimes is racist, homophobic You're gonna lose a lot of sponsors on this, son of a bitch There's a lot of sponsors You already have such a bad attitude We haven't even started Wow, and you started that sentence with Howdy With such a positive colloquial greeting

Followed by Vitriol Dave's influence runs deep throughout the podcast that we never had him on the show You steal a lot of your colloquialisms, Jay I give him credit I don't want to be put on blast for stealing from Dave when I give him credit Dave came up with Blast Yeah, that was a good one At least popularized it in my life

Right, I don't know what you're coming up with As far as your concern, you came up with it Yeah Anything else? Probably Part of me feels like the voice that I talk in on the podcast sometimes There's a voice that I did with Dave when we were living together Dave's like the man behind the man

He's the guy behind the curtain And we're excited to finally have him on the show Are you excited to be here? Howdy He's drunk Howdy Here's a question for you You wear a hat every day

I do Why? You have good hair I do have good hair So why do you hide it? Do you think that's part of your haircut? Like my haircut is the length of my hair that comes out of my hat? To a degree, when my hair is short, I won't wear a hat

But sort of But every single day Yeah, you know, you're putting me on a blast right now I'll be honest It's not a blast, I'm just inquiring Question You're taking it as a blast Yeah

I'm taking it as a blast I like this hat Is it like a security thing? Is it like me with glasses? Like I feel naked without glasses I do You feel naked with that hat I feel cold with that hat

Oh I guess I need to sort of get over the hat phase pretty soon In the summer though, you're going to still wear a hat every day? The summer seems like the optimal time to actually wear the hat Right, because then it's effective you're keeping the shade Keeping the sun out of your eyes Do you remember the last day you didn't wear a hat? That's my last hat question, I promise

2000 2000 days ago, exactly 2000, the year 2000 Y2K So you've heard the show before, right? Couple episodes Okay You're playing it so cool

Who are you trying to impress? Chill Dave Chill Dave So, you know how it works You know people are finding themselves in difficult places And they'll email us to, if I were you show, at gmail.com We read the emails and do our best to advise them Out of their sticky situations

Did I say the email address? I don't think so, maybe I think I did, but I'll say it again just in case If I were you show at gmail.com Oh, people also submit theme songs New theme songs for every single episode And the one that started this episode The one that was short and sweet and jingle like

Was a married couple Very nice Steve and Malika Bush You know, I'm glad she took his last name I'm really glad she did that Are you sure her name wasn't Malika Bush to begin with? Oh, he took her last name Yeah, Steve

Steve took Malika's Yeah So that was so thanks to Steve and Malika for that Should we just dive right in? Yeah, I'm just like, I'm so excited right now This is the episode you've been waiting for It really is, I think this is going to be the quietest I've ever been on an episode I basically want it to be you and Dave

Well, you just want to live in Dave's brain for like an hour Yeah, just, oh my god, I'm so curious Okay, well let's at least throw some stuff at him And see what comes out of his brain hole Alright, let's do it Here we go First of all, I want to know what he was thinking when he decided to wear this white polo t-shirt You only wear white after Labor Day

Isn't it always after Labor Day? It's always after the last Labor Day Yeah, so I'm right So you can wear white whenever you want That's true We agree Very good then Dave, do you have a name theme for us every episode?

We give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity But we usually like to keep it within the same theme Do you have a theme for us today? True detective characters I don't know enough true detective characters But that's good, we can at least start Yeah, at the very least we can use real names and then the actors names I got it, I can do this

Okay, so the first one comes from a dude named Fuck, I don't know Already Russ Cole Russ Cole writes Hey guys, love the show, keep it up, here's my problem I've been dating this girl who has very strict parents She has a 10pm curfew, she has to first clear it with her folks whether or not she can go out with me

I can't touch her in front of her parents Once when we were out of town together She had to send her mom photos of her outfit for approval before she set foot out of the house Lastly, I spend more time with her and her parents than I do just spending time with her alone She loves and respects her parents a little too much for me to tell them to back off a little Here's the kicker, she's 25 years old and so am I She can't move out until she's married I really love this girl and I'm thinking about marrying her one day

But we haven't even dated for a year yet What would you guys do if you were me? Love Russ Cole Russ Russ Cole That's a good question Dave? Right off the bat

What do you think? Kill the parents Oh my god Howdy Dark Have you ever had a strict lady parents? Strict future parents and laws? I really don't like meeting people's parents

So I kind of avoid that whole thing altogether Have you ever met your girlfriend's parents? Yeah, I've never had them been like strict though That seems super strict Are you good with parents? Girlfriend's parents? I think everyone thinks they're good with parents But most people aren't

Really? I can't imagine I am I'm not good with anyone So why would I be good with parents? I think you're great with people You can tap into your brain And you are capable of having the most boring small talk Every time I've ever seen him in a bar talking to someone

He is just like You're going a mile a minute You're smiling, you're laughing You have this ability to convince people you're normal In small bursts Don't get me wrong You're abnormal But you have the ability to convince

Like a serial killer You're able to put people's guards down for long enough To infiltrate before you show off your true colors Which is a sociopath Not a sociopath But some type of deranged lunatic of sorts I'll take that as a compliment Are you good with parents, Jake?

I'm incredible with parents Yeah, because you're polite You're funny, you're normal I think that's the big one It's just being normal Yeah, being normal And well, I'm not that this guy's asking for advice About how to be good with parents

But like, the biggest thing All the parents want is for their kid to be happy and loved So you just show them that you love their kid Sure And like, hey, I really love her I think she's really important I know you think she's as special as I do Then they're like, oh great, you're good to go

Yeah, okay, so I think what this guy needs to do Short of killing them You have to plant, you have to plant seeds So you have to be like, seeds of doubt Yeah, that'll grow into trees of misery Yes, so when you're with your girlfriend And her parents are being overbearing

You're like, oh man, I kind of wish I could spend some alone time With just me and you It sounds positive And then she sort of realizes, oh yeah, I wish that too And my parents prevent me from doing it Oh And then Dave, you're shaking your head You don't think so?

I think you go that exact opposite route And you become super overprotective of her In front of her parents to freak the parents out Oh, I see You're giving the opposite advice And then a month later, or two maybe You're like, you go up to the parents And you're gonna be like, this is how you're treating your daughter

Yeah Like a fucking Mindfuck Like it was all a fucking show Of ruse You turned the mirror on them, didn't you? For St. Angel style So you treat her like garbage

For a month, maybe two No, not garbage, you're just like overbearing Overbearing Yeah, and then when she starts to complain about it You hold a mirror up to herself and be like, you know what? That's what your parents are acting like Or you want to wait until the parents complain And be like, you know what?

That's what you've been acting like You call a whole family conference A whole family blast An intervention of sorts Alright, take it or leave it That's my advice, that's Dave's Have you ever had strict parents in laws Or girlfriends' parents?

Um... Most of them have been cool, right? Yeah, I think they've always been cool I feel like my problem is that like Sometimes I'm with someone who really likes their family And I really like my family So it's like tough to balance who's family we spend time with Yeah

But it's always been fine I've never had a problem really It is a hard thing because when you love someone You don't want to get rid of them just based on their parents But like, parents can be difficult Like, that's like a difficult curveball That you can't choose at all I guess that's true

I guess family, your girlfriend's family can be difficult I feel like in my situation My family is always the more difficult one Oh, that makes sense Like, my parents are more intense than any of my girlfriends' parents have ever been Right, they're scary Yeah But I mean, I'm not scared of them

Not enough for me Right, yeah Um, I guess... Yeah, it's tough But also, like, this kid is in like the honeymoon stages of his girlfriend He hasn't been dating her for a year yet Yeah So we probably...

I bet there's some level of like, I want a lot of time with this girl And he can't have it right now But like, maybe in... Give it some time And everybody's gonna like ease into it Although she's 25 and has to text pictures of her outfit to her mom for approval Oh, that's insane Yeah, that's crazy

That's not all right I think he can... If I have an open conversation with her about that Like, some stuff is a little bit too extreme Maybe choose the most extreme stuff This is what I would do I would choose the most extreme stuff And start with those things first

Be like, maybe you shouldn't send out pictures of your outfit to your parents Pick the things that you can comment on And that'll like sort of... That plants the seed in her too Yeah She's like, I wonder if that follows the rule all the way down to this thing Yeah I wonder what the living at home thing is

You think she can't move out until she's married? That seems weird because she should... Even if they're strict, she should be allowed to live on her own Or with other girls or people she's not sleeping with or something You know what? I don't know anything about religion or anything like that But I'm gonna go ahead and guess this person's Mormon Without knowing much about Mormonism

I'm gonna say this person is probably Mormon Keep in mind this is a complete shot in the dark I cannot stress enough, I don't know the rules of Mormonism I don't know how it affects people, why they act But I can say with almost 100% certainty that I think this person This is a Mormon of her She's become Mormon Jesus, she's a Latter-day Saint

I would completely agree with you, Amir That she's a Mormon? Yep Oh, well there we have it, two Mormons against one A Latter-day Saint And I am a fatter gay taint Perfect timing For Jeff just entered with our drinks

Do you make him sound like a fucking waitress? Our libations I'm just glad he came in right at a, I'm a fatter gay taint Gracious Hermano Me, Hermano Alright, should we go on to the next question? Or is there anything you want to delve deeper into? Let's go on to the next question

But first, gentlemen, cheers to our triumphant return to the New York City And the big grapple to having two days and two twins on our podcast It's an honor, a privilege, and frankly, it's a dream come true I love you both I'm in between Rose and Rosie And now, Dave, this is our third Rose basically in two episodes Insane That's who would have

A trifecta Never So perfect, it hurts the heart A tradition unlike any other, it's the masters of podcasts Alright, next question Let's do it Gosh, let me see Thanks for the libations, Jeff

I'm ready to imbibe You guys are smart I don't know any of these words You're kind of, it's, do you ever listen to the Ricky Gervais podcast? No, who's that? You're kind of like our Carl Pilkington, like the guy they have around Just because his opinions are so unique and different We should do an, oh god, I would love if they was always on the podcast

Alright Anything I paid for that? Do you have a female character? Maggie Maggie, alright Maggie writes Hey guys, I've been in a serious relationship with my amazing boyfriend for nine months now Everything was great except for one little secret that I had kept to myself for a few weeks

And I would love to hear your guys' opinion Before we were dating, I was dating somebody else During that relationship, we have had kind of a wet snuggle with another guy friend And since then, the relationship between me and that guy friend have been awkward yet playful But only in a verbal kind of way Just a few weeks ago, I was online chatting with this guy friend again And somehow, we both agree that we missed that night of spontaneous wet snuggling And I half jokingly promised him we would fuck for real if we both got out of our current relationships

Is this cheating? Well, to be fair, I have cheated on my ex with that guy already if wet snuggle's count is cheating And to be honest, I'm very curious what sex would be like with that guy And I'm pretty sure he feels the same way Am I a terrible girlfriend for promising casual sex with another dude while in a serious relationship? Thanks, Maggie Thanks, Maggie Thank you, Maggie

Thank you Thanks for writing in at all First and foremost Yeah Oh, I love it What's a wet snuggle? Oh, that's a good question A wet snuggle?

I guess to me, I imagined it sort of like spooning while you're kissing the person's neck And maybe you're like feeling your pussy or something Maybe you're like making out It's like lazy, sleepy, snugly Where you're exploring each other's bodies but not having sex What's the wetness? What's the moisture? I think wet pussy, pre-come and exchanging saliva Oh

But not jizzing Maybe that's part of the wetness too Maybe you're like humping your butt crack or something Oh, yeah So, I was gonna say mom turned down the podcast but fuck it, you know what? Let's say that for some real shit, mama She is your number one B My number one who?

B? I feel bad calling your mama B Oh, what? You say she's your number one B My mom's my number one B? Yeah What does that even mean? Like, don't trust the B like that B word

What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about, the word B-I P-I Do you not get it still? Are you doing a bit? What are you talking about? You don't get it? What bit?

Well, Dave, do you know what I'm talking about? B-I-T, a bit A bit? No A bitch Thank you I just wanted you to say it motherfucking yes No

I've called your mother that I was a little confused Mama turned up the podcast, we got him dead to rights This fucking Jew called you a bitch Why? This is a whole thing is a setup We're not even recording a podcast So does that answer your question about wet snuggles first and foremost?

Okay, so it's basically not sex but physical snugglage Yeah, I would call it like bed grinding The question is, one, is it cheating to promise sex to a guy if and when you leave a relationship and two, does it make her a terrible girlfriend? She also asked if wet snuggling counted as cheating for what you cheated on her ex by doing the wet snuggle Well, I think that's a different

I say yes, any physical affection is cheating Let's go on to the second question Dave, let's say you have a girlfriend She promises another guy sex She promises another guy sex Would you say she's cheated on you? My take on all relationships is sort of ignorance is bliss I don't want to know anything, don't tell me anything

and do what you gotta do So your take is they can even cheat on someone as long as you don't know about it Well, yeah, I wouldn't know about it to begin with so there's nothing happening Wow, you are liberal, dude No, I'm actually the opposite of liberal I'm so conservative that if I ever found out anything

I would just go crazy I've become liberal because I hate being the jealous type but I know I am and I can't change that so it's better for me just not to know Wow, all of your opinions are so different that I don't even know when to start where to start It's like your rule base is so liberal

like, hey, if I don't find out, it's not a problem it's so liberal but your reaction to finding out would be very conservative anger, screaming, yelling, jealous hate Right, intense hate But that's sort of how you are with board games too like, oh, I'm not cheating me if I don't get caught, right? Uh, that's more Jeff than me

I love cheating in board games Yeah, Jeff cheats all the time in board games I think I caught you cheating one time we were playing the game of life The actual game or just living No, we were playing the actual life game We were playing that or Monopoly or something and I caught him cheating

I was like, you're cheating and he goes, I cheat to win Yeah, no, that's why everyone cheats Everyone cheats to win There's no other reason to cheat I cheat just for the, you're not the joker you just cheat for the thrill of it I cheat to lose So you're saying this girl hasn't done anything wrong

because her boyfriend doesn't know she's talking to him I'm saying she won't have done anything wrong if she doesn't tell anyone anything including this podcast So in this case, you are wrong too late So the cheating is writing in not actually doing this thing

Promising sex is, it's not, it's beyond flirty but I don't think it's cheating I think it's fucked up Yeah, so the question, so it's not cheating but you are a bad girlfriend for doing it Well yeah, think about everything you're doing out in the open and if your boyfriend found out

you'd be mortified and he'd be hurt so what you're doing is fucked up Basically, I always act as though my significant other is a foot away from me Always So I never, I'm like scared to flirt I'm scared to talk I'm scared to look up past the girlfriends

on Twitter or Facebook You'll open your phones for days and time Because you say, I don't want to subject my significant other who is a foot away from me to this stench No, I fart in front of my girlfriends when I do have girlfriends that is That might actually also be a part of the wet snuggle

The what, the moisture of the fart But yeah, when I'm in a relationship that's how I treat my life I feel like as though there's this ghost of a lady here always staring at me, judging me So it's like, it's kind of admirable because it's like I'm not doing anything wrong but then it's like, I have to sort of

I'm only doing it because I don't want to get in trouble or get caught Which brings me to the second part of my statement It is fucked up, but at the same time everybody's fucked up a little bit People do fucked up shit all the time and she's not cheating, which is the most fucked up thing

She's not actually snuggling wet She has this kind of like, it's a cheap thrill but it's not actually doing any damage it would just hurt someone's feelings So I think you've done the lesser of two evils Yeah, the emotional cheat, not the physical cheat But it's not even an emotional cheat to look at I guess it is, everybody has fucking fantasies

Yeah, but this girl actually told a guy that's like starting to creep into the reality Yeah, if I'm single, I'll do it But I mean, if you want to do it, just get single and then do it Yeah, it seems like that's the first step towards breaking up is like, oh, if I were single, I'd fuck you Oh, me too

And then that's like, okay, that's the terror So we promise each other to get single and fucked So all I have to do is get single and then I know I can fuck you Isn't that the best part about getting out of a relationship though Like cashing in on all that flirting that you've done Oh, like all this subtextual flirting They're like, I can't ever do this because blah, blah, blah

Now it's like, okay, I'm liberated, I'm a free agent Hey, remember, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, snap Oh, god That's the honeymoon phase of being broken up Yeah Like the first X amount of weeks, months, whatever feels great And then you start settling into the reality

once you exhausted all those resources and you look around and everyone's just empty and cold and you're like, oh no I feel like that's where you are right now You're so acutely aware of that emotion Now I'm a totally different person I don't have emotions What about you, Dave, ever broken up with a girl?

Yes and no More no I always get broken up with I ride that shit out till it ends I'll never end anything I just become such a bad person that I force the girl to end it You're one of those guys

Yeah, which I don't love about myself Yeah, I don't think so But I also don't hate about myself But that's one of the things people learn as they grow older is that when you're young you're like, oh, I don't want to break up I'll just be bad, distant, uninterested

until the other person breaks up with me That way I don't have to actually go through it And then after you've done that maybe once or twice you realize, oh, it's easier just to have one terrible conversation and not have to be in this relationship for an extra year Yeah, maybe

Sounds like good advice But the problem is, I think, you don't have a lot of time to dabble with being in a relationship Like, if you start at age 18 and you want to get married by 28 to 33 you only have so many years of being an expert before you get tied down And some people even just settle down

much earlier than that To be perfectly honest the advancements in technology and science over the next 10 or 20 years means we're all going to live for a very long time How long? What's your theory on that? Probably 150, maybe 200 You think the first person who's going to be 200

is already born? Oh, yeah, I do I watched Ted Talks 250? This actually brings us to our, can bring us to our break Don't we, and finish this guys? Yeah, it's fucked up but you haven't cheated

but don't fall through because then that's cheating Yeah, yeah Okay, cool Let's get to the break where we just talk about Talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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but there's no way you can't buy Amir Blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you wanna give somebody a gift this season

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just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace Dave Great, this is all I've been waiting for I don't even have to answer another question What's like a good you said you listen to TED Talks

that reminds me of I think once I saw you audio recording all hands meeting at College Humor so that you can so what so can you explain what that is that's just me not remembering anything anyone ever says

so what do you do listen to it like five or six times so you record meetings really let it sink in you record every meeting Yeah, I do you record every meeting that you have and then you listen to it later like a podcast

I record 12 hours of every day and then I listen to it for the reverse 12 hours so it's almost like I'm constantly living in the past the same day twice it's like if you were to watch the first half

of Groundhog Day twice in a row you also strike me as someone that like listens to a lot of podcasts at like 2x speed 1.5 I'm not at the 2x level yet but you like to cram in a lot of life in your life I've written into iTunes

to ask them to crank it up to 3x in the future but at that point it's just gibberish there's no limit to how many how often I how much data I can stuff in my brain at every minute I am curious what the why they even have that feature

what which one they have the 1.5 and then they have the 2x speed are people using that probably right it just seems like you lose like all tonality and is it just like I feel like if you're listening to like a

business podcast or like I don't know the economy or something but it seems like that feature who's using that feature people who are in a rush I've watched one movie at 1.5 speed I'm for a movie

it was the Star Wars trilogy my junior year of college I did mushrooms and we watched Tenacious D Pick a Destiny all the way through on a Playstation 3 and then once the movie was over we were like

what do we do now and someone accidentally hit the remote and it pushed it to like 1.5 speed and we watched the whole movie again in like an hour and it was actually better it really was any other funny Dave anecdotes that can come to mind

or questions the one that I was thinking of when you were talking about what was it his last opinion on the Ted Talks thing oh the people living to be 200 when we were in when we were in Ann Arbor I'm a little groggy because we like

drank a lot of vodka and then we smoked like a joint to our face but we were sitting in this it was like my friend's little brother's house and we're all talking about like fucking deep meaningful things on like

Earth and space you know they're like college kids but we like came to their level and we were just talking like fucking stoners who were learning a lot you know just like questioning things and like oh do you guys think the Moon landing was real and like you said some stuff

and then I like gave some stuff and then we asked Dave like Dave what do you think the Moon landing was real I'm not sure the Moon's real yeah I think that's a fair assessment of the celestial object that doesn't rotate around the Earth

so do you actually think that or are you just trying to be silly at the time let's go with silly but there is a part of you that wouldn't be 100% surprised if the Moon wasn't real you know you can't really know anything that's sort of

what I think about stuff like who knows so that's where we differ I think there are plenty of people who are smarter than us three I should say that know a lot especially the fact that the Moon is real would you call them liars

well it depends how you define real would you be willing to talk about your near-death experience um boy keep in mind only 70,000 people will listen to this in the next few weeks you're not in any fault in this story

yeah sure why not so what was your near-death experience have you heard this story? I think I've heard it but maybe not from Dave exactly I guess like a month into college JMU what up JMU there's a real quick anecdote about JMU

Jeff and Dave went to the same school for anybody not they probably know anyone listening by now but Jeff and Dave are identical twins and they lived in different dorms and they didn't hang out in the freshman year of college and they would see each other on campus

and not even acknowledge one another and uh at some points like since back then they you know they had similar haircuts they basically looked the same and I didn't know the difference of them sometimes so people would see Jeff out and they'd be like hey Dave

and Jeff would just be like hey they just assumed each other's identities but never hung out together that's pretty awesome yeah 1.5 speed we saw twins in 91 minutes alright so your freshman year at JMU yeah freshman year at JMU

I uh set up a party tight yeah that's whatever I ended up like pledging this fraternity and you joined a frat I joined a frat but this was like before I was in the frat this was like when I wanted

people in the frat to think I was cool right by the way don't call your frat don't call your fraternity a frat you just called her frat twice you wouldn't call your country a cunt you did that before the podcast started you said welcome to this cunt I love living in this cunt

you kept on calling it a cunt you went out of your way to do it lambda, chi, alpha alright get to the fucking near death experience so I ended up going home with this girl was like a senior to impress my friends was she an 8 and 9

what would you rank her dude? solid 3 chick from west virginia they got tails half of them do at least and then I got back to her place two hours later

after I like didn't know how to have sex with her because I was like oh I assumed like a senior in college would like be the one to like make all the moves and I kind of pussied out I ended up having to walk back to campus because I was like

nervous that she would like wake up in the morning and be like oh this dude's a freshman I didn't know that I was going to have to like drive him back to his dorm and I didn't want to like be a part of that awkward drive so I ended up walking back which is like 4 miles maybe so this is what time in the

this is like 3 or 4 in the morning so at 3 am after hooking up with this girl you were sort of hooking up with this girl I actually think it was one of those times where it's like a girl's wearing like spandex and I'm like oh can this be like used as like a condom if I don't have one

okay so 3 am you wet snuggled with this girl and you're ashamed to sleep next to her because you're afraid she'll find out your real age so you decide to walk 4 miles back to campus yeah so I got about like half a mile or a mile

and I ended up hitchhiking thumbing a ride as it were we'll get to that part yeah and then the guy so Harrisonburg Virginia is actually like a pretty big considered the east the meth capital of the east coast because there's like a lot of meth labs

in the hills Shenandoah Valley and I81 crosses right through the college so there's like a lot of weird truckers and meth heads and shit and yeah so this guy like tried to play with my balls

and I jumped out of the car got concussed lost a sense of smell half deaf my right ear okay lost my sense of humor back up a little bit you told us about the fraternity

about using spandex as a condom and then you got to the trucker trying to touch your dick and balls and you glossed right over yeah I mean what doesn't he like you know I'm fucking wearing a nice hat probably got a dope

18 year old body this dude tried to molest you would you say that's true yeah but yeah it is yeah yeah yeah he was on meth at the time or some drug well he was like yeah he's addicted to drugs he's a crazy person you jumped out of the car

I did jump out of the car how fast was the car going like an average speed I guess it was like 35 okay so you jumped out of the car at that point you're also going 35 miles per hour if I remember physics so you're you're flying across the ground at 35 miles per hour you hit something well the idea

of my head was like I would open the door and like do this like dope ass like tuck and roll yeah like stop drop and roll then you get up brush yourself off and take a motorcycle back to the girl yeah fuck the shit out of her this time yeah she's like holy shit you're in ten years right then but it kind of

went down a little differently where it's like I imagine I open the door and if you saw it happen it probably looked like I just like fell out and just hit my head oh you hit your head on the ground right outside and then I went unconscious instantly do you

remember or does your mind block out like the leaving of the car um it remembers opening the door and then nothing else and then waking up in a hospital no not in a hospital I woke up in the street with a flashlight in my face

because I think like two girls found me laying in the street and called the ambulance wow and then like I remember screaming because like uh I guess whenever they find someone unconscious they're like worried that their neck is broken

so they like strap them to some shit yeah the stretcher with like a neck brace do you know who those two girls are um no I don't wow so they just left you forever you never saw them again they saved your life they did save my life

and then what is this about a coma oh yeah well I had to be in like a drug drug induced coma for like four or five days for them to do surgery on my brain and shit hahahaha did the surgery go well oh wait they've mapped the shit

no yeah I uh I became fluent in seven languages and it's true how dare you it's true you think they just reprogrammed your brain and added functionality to it it's possible if you watch the proper TED Talks

you'll gain a little bit of understanding of nanotechnology so how do you think that's changed you going forward um a week a month a year later I could fucking eat pussy for dooooooo you couldn't do that before no I was only eating an asshole before that

what the smell like you would soon be worse no I only eat asshole of vegetarians it's a pure organic taste to it you only eat asshole but you just said now you can eat pussy for days well you pussy and then I go to the asshole

the asshole's down my dessert you only eat asshole because it doesn't know what that is they both become one entity when you lick as long and as hard as I and is there anything else other than you no I want to keep on exploring this avenue

21 questions there's no smell I don't like you've gone down on more girls buttholes and you have their vaginas it's sort of like a dual entity in that regard meaning what I don't swipe left or swipe right tinder style I swipe up

and then down alright okay I create a shit trail from the asshole to the belly button that's wide enough you ever heard of trail of tears this is a trail of smears ever heard of tobacco road

this is chocolate road is there anything else you want to delve into or should we try to answer one more question before we have to go I guess we can answer one more I mean I could tell dave stories all day we need to have them back because it's a never ending scene we didn't even talk about the chokeslam

in wisconsin I've talked about it on the podcast I kind of lied a bit earlier I've listened to every podcast alright we need one more dude question no dude name marty heart marty hearty writes

hey dudes I don't have a girlfriend I think the reason is that I'm so damn serious I don't laugh a lot and although I sometimes can come up with funny jokes I think it's not very often and in a party I only start to talk when it's about a serious issue like politics, literature, etc

I don't think girls dislike me but I feel like they cannot get close to me I make them uncomfortable what should I do for you two, how much as being funny has helped you to get laid thanks marty heart I'll take this one I think

it really seems fair do you consider yourself a funny person I used to a bit more then you sort of entered the work world and taxes and health insurance kind of gets to you how does your health insurance gets to you the company that pays it to you

you got that right my friend what up collegehumor.com check it out they know who we are they probably heard of college humor and what is a website with two words that's not a thing tell us about why you wanted to take this question

what was the question again how do you be funny and do you think funny helps you get laid yeah funny definitely helps you get laid I mean there are unfunny girls so there's definitely boring people that are with boring people

yeah it's weird to think we only hang out with funny people there's a whole pretty large section of the population that isn't funny and when an unfunny guy hangs out with an unfunny girl they can go weeks without making jokes do you think that's true I think people always find a way to amuse themselves

so it's not necessarily our type of humor we don't think they're funny but they laugh but I think there are some people who are serious I just don't make jokes I think that's possible that breaks my heart but it is doable and then those types of guys find those types of girls

sounds like this guy doesn't want to laugh and make jokes he wants to get pussy but it's tough there's so many factors to go into getting laid being funny is just one of them but if you're funny

if you make girls uncomfortable in all the right places what are the wrong places actually anus a ribbed anus do you think you consider your sense of humor a way to get girls

or is it more like the fact that you're 6 foot 3 190 pounds 6 foot 4 250 I just love your brain should I make a believable lie up I just go for the gold it's like 6 foot 4

250 no not 250 you liar you sack of shit Jeff adds an extra inch to his height every time he asks for a new driver's license so you started at what Jeff you said you said 6'1

now we're up to 6'4 so you think the next time you get your license you're gonna say 6'5 I missed one of the deadlines so I'm gonna go straight to 6'6 Michael Jordan site alright so you're tall, you're attractive

you think you're also funny you think that helps you get laid I don't know I kind of have a problem now where I don't know if I mentioned it before but that accident made me like half deaf so it's really hard for me to hear what girls are even saying at bars or clubs

so I kind of have to do this thing now where I'm like having one way conversations and trying to assume stuff they say and it's sort of like a weird game where I'm having a conversation with someone not knowing what 50% of the conversation is so for me I have to like

randomly come up with stuff that's somehow relevant to her expressions and not the words that she's saying and so I feel like I'm forced to try and be creative when I talk to people just because I can't hear anything they're saying ever interesting so is that what you said

that's your game recently since I moved to New York it has been how would you describe your game like you see a girl that you're attracted to at a bar I feel like we talk enough about how we get girls I want to know through your lens you find someone that's attractive at a bar what do you do

oh boy you know I shed a couple clothes do some push-ups in the bathroom bob a shirt come out straight beater Dave doesn't approach girls I don't think do

I don't actually I don't know it works really well for Dave because he's like statuesque and attractive and he's kind of brooding and intense do you see a lot of girls giving you the eye yeah that's like well they don't give him the eye we'll go into a bar and

sloppily drunk girls will just come up to Dave that's pretty awesome they're wasted but they just want to that girl that came up to you which is like my friends bet me I had like that I had to kiss you and you're like okay and you started making out with her and meanwhile there was a girl coming

to the bar to meet you yo baby I don't remember that ever happening you know my baby knows who this is I should never happen you didn't find out it wasn't it wasn't him did you come down and see you making out where was this

the whiskey yeah oh yeah that was that was interesting interesting night yeah that is what happened I always get in trouble for doing dumb stuff so I stopped doing dumb stuff

can you give us an example of a funny dumb anecdote I always get in trouble for doing bad and wrong things with girls yeah okay it's just like I what's the dumbest wrongest thing that pops into your brain right now

you're out you're meeting people you're at a bar even if it's like it's never like with a girl from it even if I like two girls they'll always end up being at the spot than I am and it's happened consistently my entire life so it's like it's getting caught out

it's like getting called out for something I shouldn't even be called out for in the first spot but I'm I can never do anything like slob I've never been the guy to be able to do that not because I'm not capable maybe I'm not capable you really hate to detract from yourself

so what's the game what's your game I don't know if I have a game you do because you're very you're a ladies man of sorts Jake's been out with you he's seen it half they've closed playing the twin card is awfully great

check out if I could plug my website real quick I don't know if you did it last night Jeff but twincest.com what is that ask the belly button tears of tears twincest.com available and do you own the at least on the url

we own twincest.gov so do you have any funny dave ladies stories I won't tell the specifics of one but I do have one that I like a lot I mean I'm not going to stop you it's your podcast it's your fucking podcast

I'm going to tell it and if you really hate it when I'm done then we can cut it out so we were out me and Dave were out one night it was like one of those Thursday nights Thursday that manic Thursday you know what I mean we just need it

we're out at our old corner around 11th and Berry so we're popping around to all the spots whiskey Brooklyn so we're at whiskey but there's nothing going on we got to try to find girls we weren't even started the night at White's but we're like all about this corner

so we got from the White's to whiskey to Brooklyn Bowl to Kinfolk and you can only leave this one square block but it's like 3am there's nothing happening at Brooklyn Bowl so we go over to Kinfolk I was like trying to find a spot to put my jacket

Dave goes does the fastest lap he comes out his eyes are darting he's not blank he's just like no go go we have to get out it was almost 4am at this point we just needed to go to a bar we just needed chicks

we walked down the block to like 6th street 5 whole blocks cameo yep cameo we went in Dave did a lap came out he was like no we got to go on the way to cameo we went to Roberta's but it was closed then we went to cameo

we got to go we got to go at this point I was like it was 4 bars everything was closed and I'm like I threw up my hands like dude I'm done it's not going to happen I'm going to go home that's probably what I did Dave meanwhile went to like

a 24 hour bagel shop found somebody at 5am and fucked her on his roof how I want to know we're out of we're almost out of time I want to know how you go from bagel shot to fucking on a roof because he doesn't give up I bought her sandwich

tell me can you tell me what happened what did you do how did you do that I mean it's 4 in the morning so you go up to be like hi what's your name I'm Dave I don't even say anything it's like you're there I'm desperate

are you desperate yes I have a roof I tip my hat that's all I do I just tip my hat it finally came out that's what the hat's for I'll give you the real reason for the hat it just came to me my brain's a little dysfunctional

but it came to me it's like when you're out the hat adds maybe 4 or 5 different moves to any sort of dance repertoire oh it's an accessory it's a prop so I guess I don't need to wear it during the day but I get used to it because I wear it at night

it's nice to have it it's a security blanket it definitely is alright there you have it we ended with the hat Dave thank you so much let's not get dinner and redo this no no no

and I want to hit over the hour Mark we definitely want to have you back because there's a lot more fertile ground to be what do you do with fertile ground sewed there's a lot more fertile ground to be sewed but thanks for coming on at least getting this first one under your belt

next time you're going to be very comfortable very casual you're going to really really unload some real deep dark secrets I agree the first the opening theme song we're still accepting theme song submissions was from a married couple like we said before from Steve and Malika Bush

and this last theme song was from somebody who I think his name is something some clear but his rap name is Mr. Sin Credible which is probably better than his real name anyway thank you again for listening everybody keep those questions coming to

ifirishow at gmail.com keep the theme songs coming to ifirishow.com Dave do you have anything you want to plug before we go twintess.org twintess.org oh god I'm being called out on blast in the last moments of this podcast a brief

if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you

if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you but maybe you could learn to be my hashtag dope and I'mma end it like this

cause every show has got some class so special guests can make this a three way on your ass so if you wanna know what's really going on email if I were you show at gmail.com totah