If I Were You - 68: Hemorrhoids

Episode Date: March 17, 2014

In this episode we discuss boobs, watches, and anal discomfort.This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount -- http://zoo.mn/GPfH89See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Look, I was gonna ask for advice, but I afraid you'll hurt my feelings. But, you're the only people I can ask. Just gonna tease me, I can feel it. But, they'll give me a fake name to preserve my anonymity. I'm beginning to feel like a pod god. Pod god. If you're stuck in the middle of vacant nuntrum. Nuntrum.

Put your two wimp bros to talk about it with anyone. Anyone. Email 95ushoagmail.com. What if you're gonna ask for advice, gotta seize the cheese. You're gonna be laptop and just ask something like, What if you're gonna go on our first date? It was a private place, we made a masturbate. Want my ex a necklace? Should I keep it?

Is my boyfriend a freak? Keep me scared of demons. My friend took a photo of our penis. Oh crap. The boyfriend went six while I'm sleeping. I feel like I got a burner while my mom was leaning. On my lap, should I bring it up or should I leave it? This really is seriously pretty messed up. I don't really want to ask dad or grand or aunt for some help.

How can I ask for help without embarrassing myself? What the hell do I do, Dan? At the same time, I need advice. Which guys can I write to from a lion? What's W.O.B. to remain motherfucking unnamed? I may never need to keep my dignity. But I want to make sure somewhere in this long it's that email that

I write that fake in a mic and let me get through this tough time. But they gotta add their punch lines. I make fun of this situation of mine. But sometimes they'll come by. They humor with their advice. But I guess any help will suffice. But make sure you before break time. See if they help me out now that I've sent this email.

So you'll be asked and they'll be answering. So don't be a retard. Be a king. Think not. Why be a pod king when you can be a pod god? Todah! Lyrics coming at you at supersonic speeds. That was a parody of Eminem's Rap God.

Yeah. Get into it. If you weren't impressed by that you should listen to the actual song Rap God. Yeah. And then listen to this again and realize this dude fucking killed it. If you can imagine Rap God's even better than that parody. But not by much. Not by a lot because this one, actually I might like this one better because it was about me.

Yeah. And things that are about me are better. Yeah. Yeah. I enjoyed this version. Because it's me. Because it was me. Yeah.

And like when my friend of mine writes me a text message I think that's better than any novel ever written. Yeah. Because that text message is about me. Me. Yeah. I like it when things are me related. Me related. Eminem is so good that I overlook the fact that his like the actual lyrics themselves are like homophobic

and dumb and old and weird references to Monica Lewinsky still. Yeah. He still talks about Monica Lewinsky and like he's shit talking in sync. Yeah. Who they're so far broken up. He just it's almost impressive how little he gives. He's like I'm going to do it so well that like I can say things that like are like gay or retard. Like things that are considered no longer cool.

But like it doesn't matter because it's it's said in such an impressive way that I'm still going to be good. Marshall you're so hateful but you said it so fast. When lyrics are coming at me at supersonic speeds I couldn't help but barely understand how impressive it was. Calling people the F word. Yeah. Is fine from you. Because the way you did it was fast because you did it quickly into a beat. If you're if you don't have time to listen to the entire Rap God song because it's like six minutes really impressive.

But there's this one why listening to our podcast. Sorry I'll listen to 40 minutes of this podcast but Rap God six minutes. I got places to be. Pass. Pass. There's this one part where he raps insanely quickly and clearly I think what is it like 130 words in 16 seconds. Yeah that was 150 something insane like that. I went down a rabbit hole of I just searched fast part rap or fast part rap God and then there's like M&M's version.

Then there's like this it's like white teenage girl doing it very impressively well young Jewish looking dude doing it well. Then there's a video called teaching you how to do it where they start it's really slow and build up. I may or may not have done that for a good half hour yesterday. You did it before. Yeah you showed me. You're pretty good at it. You say it fast. Thanks dude.

I read it. I read it fastly. Yeah I mean I can't even make fun of you. I was legitimately I was like dope. My friend is dope. M&M is so fucking good that you reading off of a computer it impressed me somehow. It's the most impressive thing I've ever done to you. Yeah.

All right so what is this show of ours this this pod god. Oh we blow M&M for the first 10 minutes. We forgot to mention these guys name that wrote it Adam Flanagan. So yeah yeah Adam Flanagan. Yeah that's actually a cooler name than Marshall Mathers. Yeah Marshall. Mr. Mathers. Fuck Marshall.

Whoa. I'm just kidding man. Okay. All right. He does it. The show is called The Fire You. It's an advice podcast. It's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us.

Yeah. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I almost forgot that part because we haven't recorded in like over a week. It's been a while. Yeah. I almost forgot we had a podcast. Oh really.

Yeah. Yeah. I came home and you just had all these mics set up. I was like what the fuck are you doing. And I was like we have to record a podcast. And I was like not now I'm drunk. Yeah. And it's two in the afternoon.

Crazy. It's 90 degrees in Los Angeles. We're hot. This. God this room is so fucking nice. We almost deserve it. It's good to be here. It's really nice out.

It's good. And it's nice. It's nice. And it's fun. It's fun to be warm and comfortable. The sun makes me happy. It gives me the happy feelings. The solar power.

Yeah. My serotonin is linked to the Earth's closest star. That's it. How is that good. The way it works is people email us at ifirishow at gmail.com and they're asking us for advice and we do our best to offer it. Is that it. Is that it.

I think that's it. Let's get started. Yeah. That was perfect. Oh shit we're out of time. No. We blew M&M for close to 41 minutes. We had a perfect game going.

Since it's Selection Sunday we thought we'd give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity and the theme would be number one seeds in the tournament. So this first email comes from someone a British dude we'll call University of Florida. All right. The University of. Yeah. The Gator's right. Dear guys.

About a year ago my friend was fooling around with a girl sending nudes back and forth. He saw it as a little bit of fun and ended up showing me the pictures of her. After about a month or so they became official and he brought up the fact that I had seen his girlfriend's boobs. He told me fair is fair and that he should get to see my girlfriend's boobs too. We ended up working out a deal where he could see a nude of my girlfriend if he was with his girl for as long as I had been with my girl which was about four years at the time. I thought nothing of it as he had never really had a serious relationship to date.

Fast forward to the present and they're still going strong. My question is when the time rolls around do I honor the deal. I don't think my girlfriend would appreciate me showing off her nudes but a deal is a deal isn't it. Love the show. University of Florida. So you want me to do the math a little bit. Yeah.

So he was with his girlfriend for four years a year ago. They've been together now for a year. So he has about three years left to go before he has to show his girlfriend, his boyfriend, his friend, his girlfriend's boobs. At that point they may or may not even be together. Right. But should he honor this deal. I guess it's interesting.

It's an interesting thing to pontificate on. Yeah. But I don't think that he's definitely not in any dire. There's no urgency. Yeah. He's got time. Three more years. But it is an issue.

Yes. It's on the deep back burner. Yeah. But it is on the burner itself. Recall this deep, deep back burner. A DDB. Would you show your friend, your girlfriend's boobs? Of course not.

I would never have agreed to the deal. But what if you did agree to the deal? I guess that's it. What's more important, following through with the deal or not showing your friend, your girlfriend's boobs? I think people are always growing and evolving and changing. So I often do feel that it's fine to call off a deal. He'll want to promise.

Or promise. You know, like you're like, oh, I promise it'll be this way forever. And then you're like, oh, wait, I changed my mind. I've reneged. So yeah, this is a new version of me. Yeah. Who says the old version of me was wrong. So you say it's more honorable to renege than to not show your girlfriend's boobies.

I think you just have to choose who you're loyal to. Your girlfriend or your friend. If you love your girlfriend and you don't want your friend to see your nipples, then I think you could be like, hey, you know what? That was your call that you showed me that hookup boobs that you were looking at. You didn't have to do that. I didn't know there was a deal going into it. I don't know why I agreed to a deal.

Yeah. He already seen the boobs. Why was he agreeing to the deal? There's nothing in it. There's nothing in it for him anymore. It's not like show me your girlfriend's boobs and I'll show you mine. If you had a girlfriend and I had a girlfriend, would you do boob for boob? I don't think so.

Because I would feel bad if my girlfriend found out. Right. But what if she would never find out? How would she find out? I guess if you promised me she would never find out. Out of sheer curiosity, I would do that deal. Wow. But I would do a lot of stuff out of sheer curiosity that I don't do for fear of people finding out.

But you would be afraid that she would find out so you would say no? Why on earth would I tell her? I don't know. It could come out. It could come out in a drunken thing. Oh yeah. I told my girlfriend that you saw her boobs and she liked it. Oh by the way, I'm your girlfriend.

We did the same thing to you. What? Oh my god. I hate you. Oh my god. Why are you calling out with that girl? That robot. What?

Oh my god. My fucking tits. Even worse. I can't close my mouth all the way. Fuck her. Yeah. Fuck her. There's a sock in my mouth all the time.

The lyrics coming at you at supersonic speed. So. So I renege. I would say this offer is not beneficial to me. You're a renegement. It's degrading to my girlfriend whom I love. And news flash, I was already flashed. I saw your girlfriend's tits.

You get nothing. You lose. You lose, sir. Good day. I said good day, sir. It's like a porno Willy Wonka. What would you have against showing me your girlfriend's boobs? I guess, I mean, I personally, it's sort of a, like that's, that's, that's, it's a violation

of her trust. Right. So you feel bad for her. Yeah. Feel bad for her. Or like, oh, nobody can see these boobs but me. I guess like I wouldn't like the thought of you sitting in the bathroom jerking off thinking about my girlfriend's tits.

I'm not going to sit in the bathroom and do it. I can do it at night or in the shower. By the way, I can picture what boobs look like. Oh shit. I'm doing it right now. Stop it. You're cheating on me. Yeah.

I'm grabbing my hand. Let go of me. Let me jerk it. I'm picturing her. I can picture her. That's such a funny like scene from a movie. Like, by the way, I'm going to go into my room right now, picture your girlfriend and jerk off.

You better not, dude. Yeah. Stop me. Look at my fucking eyes. I can see. Shutting his eyes. I can see your tits. Open your eyes, dude.

I'm forcing my eyelids open. You fucking tear them apart. We have to go to the emergency room. It's all like in your imagination. You can do anything. Yeah. I can Photoshop it. Yeah.

Or you could go to the bathroom. Like you could go to bed and have a dream about my girlfriend's tits. Yeah. Like quit it. Quit that. If I had, if you had a wet dream about my girlfriend at the time's titties, would you tell me? Or was that something? Is that a secret one?

I don't know. There's no need to tell me that. I would, I probably wouldn't be extreme about your girlfriend. Would you tell me? I wouldn't be afraid to tell you. I wouldn't be like, oh my God. I can't tell him he's going to get mad. You think it was funny.

Sure. Wouldn't you? I think I would smile and be like, really? Oh, that's, I'll kill you. That's me turning to her. And you just, just, just took it. You, you, you sleep slut. You dream whore.

George Hanks dreaming about it. He's a pimp. I can't be mad at that. But you were there. Your fucking dream legs were just open to him, George yet. Oh no, you don't get it. My next girlfriend's going to be called George yet. Really?

George yet? That's nice. George yet. That's cool. And I'm going to say meet George yet. I don't like that. Oh, or meet George yet son. Like I'm calling you son.

Oh, meet George yet son. Son. Yeah. She has a daughter, Jude. E. Your name is even wait. What? She has a daughter, Jude.

Her name is E. She has a daughter, Jude. E. Jesus. This song sucks. His boy, Elroy, which is pig Latin or rel rel. Yeah. Elroy is the Roy.

Spanish. Let's go back all the way back to the question. Whoa, why? Because we didn't quite answer it yet. That's fine. Okay. Just kidding. You would say you would reneg.

I think reneg. Like you, well, but you don't have to do it yet. It's three more years. He's probably not going to be with this girl for three fucking years. Or you might not be. Would you be more willing to show me and ex-girlfriend's movies? I don't know because I mean like my exes might listen to the podcast, but so I'll say, I'll say of course not.

Like I don't even have those photos. Yeah. Now I'm just nodding at you. Yeah. Whoever. Carl Blanche. I have more than three external hard drives. Just terabytes and terabytes of my ex-girlfriend Tara biting me.

I guess it's just weird that I would, I feel like there's not, I wouldn't necessarily feel any like there's anything wrong with it because it's kind of innocent. It's not like, it's not like I'm posting them online for everyone. Sure. If I had my phone and there was a picture and you were like, I really want to see. I feel like I wouldn't be like, I'm not going to show you because it's a violation of a trust. I'd be like, I'm not going to show you because you're being weird about it.

Like you're asking, you're just telling me like, please let me see. Like no, this, it connotes a long history of a weird feeling. You know, like I wanted to see your tit the entire time you were together. Now you're not. And please do you have nudes. So that has nothing to do with quote unquote violating your trust. Maybe that goes into it too. And maybe it's like the subconscious of my brain.

I would also, if I were you, not do it. I would be too fearful of my girlfriend finding out or ex-girlfriend finding out. Not worth it. You've already seen the boobies that you want to see. You got nothing, no reason left to give anything else up. I guess you've, you've won. You win. Congrats.

You've attained boobs. You won the game fair and not square because you're not square. Um, all right. Should we, uh, switch it up? Try to, uh, try to answer another quest. Another one. Let's do it. Um, need another one seed.

It's tough because they're announcing the brackets right now as we record. What's Yukon going to be? Uh, no, this is, I'm sorry, man. Are they not in the tournament? I actually don't know. I don't know how good Yukon's doing this year, but they're definitely not a one seed. I thought they were in the big E-spinals. Uh, yeah, but they lost to Louisville.

Okay. That's okay. That's fine. Oh, Wichita State. There's another one. Great. All right. Wichita States writes,

Hey dudes, for my upcoming 18th birthday, my grandma said she's giving me my deceased grandpa's Rolex watch. I like watches myself, but I'm afraid if I wear it, people will think I'm a douche. What should I do? Thanks Wichita State. No Wichita. You are a bitch of top. And it's not a shocker, which is their mascot.

Nice to hear that you are one. How old is he? 16? Uh, he's 17 for my upcoming 18th birthday. Oh, okay. So here's what you need. You, here's a lesson you should have learned already, never be mean to your grandma. Yeah.

You never are ever, ever mean to grandma. Okay. Well, he's not even asking about being mean to grandma. He's not wearing a Rolex watch. He can accept the watch, but does he have to wear it now? He doesn't have to wear it. No, you don't have to. You just have to be grateful for the gift, wear it on special occasions.

Nobody's going to think you're a douche for wearing a Rolex. It's a cool watch. Isn't it? Or is it so like cool that it's douchey? It's, I think it's... If I wore a Rolex, you wouldn't laugh at me. If you went, if you went to like Rodeo Drive and you spent like a couple thousand dollars on a Rolex, I would think you were a huge asshole.

I would have no problem teasing you relentlessly. But like, if you're, if your grandmother gave you your dead grandfather's watch that they like smuggled in her asshole out of a concentration camp or something. Yeah. I mean, that's the only way to get a Rolex nowadays. Yeah. Ass smuggling out of a concentration camp. But then it's like, number one, that's kind of cool.

It's a vintage Rolex. Oh yeah. Pretty tight. Yeah. And like you have a story. That's, it's like a, it's the perfect excuse to wear a Rolex. Yeah. Because you have a valid reason to.

It is kind of douchey to wear a Rolex maybe, but not if you're like, it's my dead grandfather's, my grandma gave it to me. Then it's like, wow, that's a cool story. Yeah. But people don't know that. They don't wear a Rolex. People will just assume that you spent money on it. Well, people will just assume you're wearing a watch.

If they get a closer look, they'll probably ask, whoa, that's a Rolex. It's not a question. What do you want to know? Yeah. It's my dead grandfather's. That's how it's going to go down. I think, yeah. If you're wearing a watch, somebody's like, cool watch, and they're not necessarily like,

is this a, is this a Time X or a Rolex? It's just like, you're wearing a watch. It just looks like a watch. Yeah. And then you got to look at the face to be like, this is a Rolex. And then you comment like, wow, this is a Rolex. Like, oh yeah. It's actually, it's a cool story.

My grandfather, God rest his soul, left it to my grandmother and she waited until I became a man until I was ready for the watch. So your version of a cool story is one where your grandfather dies. Why is that cool? You can consider it asshole. It's not cool that he dies. You said it's a cool story. It's a cool way to get the whole piece of shit.

And by the way, this is not a Rolex. Looking at it closely, this is a Ropex. It's a Rolex. It's a Ropex. It's made out of a juice cup. How dare you, sir. So you would just wear it on special occasions. Yeah.

I don't think anybody wears a Rolex like every single, maybe some people, but maybe Rapsmiths do. Yeah. Maybe Marshall. Showed up a coat fresher than wet paint. I think that I, like, yeah, sometimes I wear a watch. If I'm wearing a suit, going to a wedding, that's kind of a nice occasion to wear a watch. If I gave you a Rolex, would you wear it?

There's a video where I gave you a Rolex, right? Yeah. Called Rolex. Yeah. I think, well, it would depend, you know, like, if you gave me a Rolex, I would be like, why did you spend so much money on me? I'd be upset about that. Like, it's your birthday.

I have a lot of money. I wanted to give you something nice. A good piece. I don't want that. I'm not. I don't want you spending that much money on me. A nice piece. It's a good gold piece.

I wouldn't enjoy it. I would feel sad for you. But if you, like, let me at least give you this piece. If it was, like, handed down, handed down, handed down, and then, like, it came to you and you didn't necessarily want it, but you thought it was, like, my taste, my style. Yeah. And you were like, this is sort of, like, a retro-charming vintage Rolex. Yeah.

Just like a black Rolex. Yeah. Brushed metal. Right. And, like, with a cool leather band. Yeah. Yeah. A leather band, black, brushed metal.

What else would you want in a Rolex? I don't. White. You're writing this down and you can stop. Ivory face. You're on designing your own custom Rolex.com. Who bought that shitty URL? I would not.

I would, I would sell the Rolex. No. I would sell the Rolex. I want cash for that. You fucking asshole. I want, I want money to have cash. You fucking douche. I love just holding stacks of green to have that cash in me, in my hand.

I'm shoving the money in my ass. God, that's hot. My grandfather left me this wad of cash. I guess he had it in his ass for a while. Why did grandpa have the cash in his ass? It was the depression. Nobody trusted banks. Where else was he supposed to put it?

Oh, you drooled. I'm so sorry. You just drooled. Yeah, it was funny. You drooled. Yeah, I was drinking water and I drooled some of it out. Have they ever drooled like you're just sitting, reading or sitting watching TV and you drool? All the time.

It's so embarrassing. It's the youngest you can be. You can't even keep salivating your mouth. You're so dumb. Oh, shit. I once drooled looking at food. Like Homer Simpson. Like straight up, straight up mouth-watering food.

Just like, oh my god, I really want it, I think. I'll have the steak. Do we answer this guy's question? I think so. We say wear it on rare occasions and I was going to make fun of you. Toad. Toad to the da. All right.

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Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Third question, third team, Arizona. Arizona writes, Hey guys, I've been dating this girl for a few weeks and I really like her. However recently, she's been trying to get me to do anal stuff when we hook up. She says that it'll be really intense and pleasurable because of the male prostate and

all. And that's true for most people, but not for me. Why? Because I have really bad hemorrhoids. Any light touching down there causes me intense pain. I've avoided it the last few times by saying I wasn't really in the mood for that, but she keeps suggesting it. I was considering lying and saying that I had been abused as a child and anal stuff is

really traumatic triggering, but I think that might be a bad idea. Should I come clean about the hemorrhoids or is it too gross to bring up while we're still in the infatuation phase of our relationship? It seems like she's really turned on by anal stuff. So if I tell her about the hemorrhoids, I'm afraid she'll no longer be sexually attracted to me. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys.

Love, Arizona. Zona. So this one seemed almost like a lie because hemorrhoids are such a funny. It seems like hemorrhoids and anal fissures are the two things that you go to as a joke. It doesn't seem real. She's like, Hey, I need help. My girlfriend wants to touch my butt. I got a hemorrhoid.

Yeah. Or like, Oh, you got hemorrhoid cream. Price check on the hemorrhoid cream. I have a hemorrhoid cream. But this week I got a hemorrhoid. I cannot be, I cannot be 100% sure. I didn't go to a doctor, but I've, I diagnosed myself this week with a hemorrhoid. And it's, it's embarrassing, but I'm trying to reclaim this, this illness, this malady.

You own it. As non-embarrassing. Here's a question. Why is having hemorrhoids more embarrassing than having, I don't know, a sprained shoulder, a pop blood vessel in your eye? Because from what you told me earlier, you, a hemorrhoid. It involves your butthole. Well, and because you're straining to our dish.

Well, here's a little. The way you get them is because you strained to our dish. People don't know that. People don't know that. That's not the embarrassing part. So this is what I learned about hemorrhoids. I always, when I grew up, or basically up until last week when I. I'm just saying you, you hurt your shoulder, rock climbing or playing basketball with you.

No, you don't. You got a hemorrhoid. I'm not trying to poop too hard because you're constipated. Okay. I'm not kidding. Starting from the top. What is a hemorrhoid? I would get everything you thought you knew about hemorrhoids.

Hemorrhoids I thought was like growths in your asshole or some weird thing that happened when you had anal sex or something like that. Not the case. What are hemorrhoids? Do you know? Did you know before I told you basically? No. Hemorrhoids.

This is what I learned while diagnosing myself when I had an itchy asshole. Your sphincter muscle, the circular muscle that opens and closes while you shit is called a sphincter. Okay. Funny name. A sphincter says what and all that jazz. Hilarious. Throughout the sphincter there are veins and these veins are called hemorrhoids.

So if somebody says that they don't have hemorrhoids, they're lying. Everyone has hemorrhoids. The people who have hemorrhoids and quotes the disease have inflamed hemorrhoids. Do you get that? They get and what causes them to inflame? Yes. One of the reasons is sitting down on the toilet for too long causes undue pressure on the veins.

They're not 100% sure but these are just theories as to- Oh so not like pushing but just like having too long of a shit. Yeah. Having too long of a shit can cause hemorrhoids. Or inflame hemorrhoids. I do take long shits. I do take long shits. And I'm gonna stop.

Is that just because you're like being indulgent? You're like on your phone? I'm usually on my phone and chilling. And pushing too hard is another thing. That's why pregnant ladies when they give birth will get inflamed hemorrhoids. Interesting. And constipation and diarrhea also cause them. But I didn't have any of those stuff.

So what happens when you get a hemorrhoid? It's uncomfortable. I feel like we're doing it. We are like Dr. Drew right now. We're like we've never done this before. Yeah. We were like well it's only because it's happening to us. We've never been like alright so here's what you're dealing with.

It's actually called like we've never ever tried to be doctors until today. Well there's intense hemorrhoids which are like inside and cause rectal bleeding. Which I was lucky to avoid those. And then there's external hemorrhoids which are the ones that you can feel on the outside of your butthole which cause it basically feels like there's a paper cut on my anus. It's going away because I treated it with preparation age. You really bought preparation age? Remember it?

Is it in the bathroom? Yeah it's in the bathroom. In my bathroom? It's in your bathroom. Dude you can't do that. I'm sorry bud. If I have a guest over, somebody comes over to my house and they use my bathroom and then they pop over and they pop open the medicine cabinet and they see preparation age.

It's not in the medicine cabinet. Good. I actually here's a let's just call this sort of the break. I bought preparation age as well as preparation age wipes like wet wipes that I'm supposed to wipe with while I have this thing because I'm not supposed to use dry tissue paper because obviously that can irritate it. And I came home and I looked at the ointment and there was an applicator and attachment to the bottle.

It's like a toothpaste bottle and then there's an attachment to the top that looks like an extra three inches with holes in it so for you to stick up your butthole and squeeze the tube of toothpaste in. How do you know when you've squeezed enough? Well luckily I didn't have internal hemorrhoids so I didn't have to use it. So you're just dabbing them on the outside? Yeah I just take a little dollop of it. Do you use a mirror?

I do. It's really interesting because how do you use a mirror to look at the inside of your butthole? Do you see the inside of your butthole? Yeah what do I do? I face away from the mirror, I look through my legs, spread my ass cheeks out wide and you've never, you really get to learn something about yourself when you give yourself your own anal little exam.

I don't want to be intrusive. Can I apply your preparation age tonight? I'd love to apply the ointment to the roeid. Yeah. I'd actually like to, I'd like to get my hands in there. Sir. Well permission to roeid you. Spread your anus and massage preparation age onto your sphincter in your inflamed hemorrhoid

gland. Granted. I'd love for you to do that. Let's do it during the commercial. It's no commercial. During the ad of our, oh yeah, we'll typically record an ad after the show. So while we're recording the ad for this episode that people have already listened to, that we have yet to record, you want to spread my ass cheeks open and apply this ointment

to my roeid. This is really backwards. This is some sort of time warp. Well this is all to say that I'm just trying to de-stigmify hemorrhoids. Maybe now that you guys know the truth about it, it won't be as silly and weird and stupid when somebody explains to you that they have hemorrhoids. In fact, maybe it won't be silly anyway. I'd go upside down, spread my butt and apply the cream onto my sphincter.

But at least they know what it is. It's not just a silly little disease anymore. Yeah. I think I used to think that it was a growth of something that wasn't supposed to be there. Almost like a wart. Yeah. Like a wart. So it's interesting to know that it's an inflamed gland.

No, not a gland. An inflamed vein. An inflamed vein. Yeah, vein. It looks like a kidney bean underneath your sphincter muscle. Does it... Oh, does it look gross? Yeah, sure.

It looks gross. I mean, an asshole already looks gross. No, they don't. Assholes are beautiful. Oh. Not ours. Ours are hairy. Yeah.

Ours are hairy and bad. Ours are bad. I mean, you can do a Google image search. You can see what a hemorrhoid looks like. I'd rather not. Okay. I did just Google chronic hemorrhoids when you were reading that question because I was trying to see, like, I was trying to, like, figure out my advice for this guy.

So now I have that search history forever. Yeah. I've been doing a lot of private browsing this week, a lot of internal searching, actually. So, well, this guy says he has really bad hemorrhoids. So maybe he has something that's worse than this one-off thing that I have. Maybe he's got internal... Yeah, because from what I've known, like, hemorrhoids go away. Like they come and they go.

Like a pop blood vessel. I didn't see anything on chronic hemorrhoids, like, recurring. But maybe, I don't know, that was, like, 30 seconds of a search. So who actually knows? Well, let's say he can't get rid of it. The question is, should he say, sorry, I don't want to do this because I have hemorrhoids? Or should he say, make up a different excuse? Sorry, I don't want to do this because I was raped.

Yeah. She's like, that's how bad hemorrhoids are in society, that people would rather say that they were raped. Yeah. If you're, he's like, I don't want to freak her out and say I have hemorrhoids. So I'm going to tell her I was molested. Yeah. That's going to, everyone, that's going to, that's going to bother her more.

I guarantee it. Then she, then it's like a horrifying thing that happened to somebody she is infatuated with. Yeah. I say, I'd also submit that she's trying to, she wants to, like, finger your butt. Is it something that, is it necessarily something you're up for if you don't have hemorrhoids? If you had a healthy anus? Like, if I had a healthy anus, or if I, since I have a healthy anus, obviously, I can't

get on the one with the hemorrhoids. And like, I don't necessarily want somebody's finger up my butt whether I have hemorrhoids or not. I think I would feel comfortable being like, I appreciate that. You think that's hot. I don't. I don't want to do this. I appreciate the offer.

I thought that this is what I wanted. Rather be a starving hemorrhoid than succeed at getting anal fucked. So, what should he do? I think you- Maybe she can, maybe she can do what you're joking about and she can apply the ointment. That way it's butt play and also helping you out. That's hot for her? Hot for you.

Suddenly she's three inches deep with that applicator addition. Oh shit. Sort of pumping you full of the Vaseline that you need, just jumping on a tube of desitin and filling you up like a puff pastry. I think if you're in the infatuation phase, there's almost no wrong that you can do. So, she might think that the hemorrhoids are cute or like, it depends on how you broach the subject. Like, look, I don't know.

Fuck it, Gross. Sorry. Cool. Hemorrhoids are neat. I think you can- I think it's just a matter of like, you should feel comfortable enough to be like, I don't want to do anal stuff. And you should also feel comfortable enough to be like, look, I have hemorrhoids.

I know it sounds crazy, but this is what they are. They're not as bad as they sound. Yeah. Actually, if you could listen to this podcast, this dude Amir is pretty chill. He talked, honestly, very honorably and heroically open about his personal experience. The river view of yourself that you're giving to these guys. That's a bit. It's a bit that I'm doing.

It's a bit. It's a bit. You call yourself a hero. If one child out of a hundred million takes that and relates back, well, it's great that- I don't quite know the other line, but you know what I'm trying to say. Yeah, it's from Rap God. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's from Monster. Oh, shit. Um, what was I going to say? Applying the preparation H to his hemorrhoid, yeah, that was a, that was a one suggestion. That was honorable. That was good. That was a, that was a heroic one that I did. Uh, yeah.

I guess I would say be as open with her as possible. Hemorrhoids do have a bad rap God. But, uh, they, uh, they're not, they're not as disgusting as other ailments that you can have down there. It's not like an STD or open source or anything like that. Right. That's fair. That's true.

And like- It's more of an inflammation than anything else. Another option is to just get wasted and then she could put her finger up your butt. Like, could you imagine a finger up your butt right now? Would it like really, really hurt? Yeah. Well, mine's like shriveling and going away, but at the height of the roid, I wouldn't have liked it.

Would you even like having sex? Uh, yeah, because the anus is sort of far away from the tip of my peen. Right. Well, more than the tip goes in during sex, right, buddy? What? More than, oh no. What's sex? Describe it.

When you put the tip of your penis against a woman's vagina, thigh, or throat. All right. Thank God. I was afraid you didn't know what it was. We're both wrong. We're two idiots. The blind are leading the blind. Um, yeah.

Do we have anything else to talk about during our break? Oh, shows coming up? We have shows coming up. Why don't we announce them? Oh my gosh. This is it. This is it. This is a breaking story.

Shit. We have a tour coming up. That's right. Not really a full tour, but three awesome cities nonetheless. That's right. We are going to Seattle, Portland, San Francisco. Yeah. And that's it.

Whoa! Seattle, Portland, San Francisco. Do you remember the dates? It's like April 26th. It's at the, there's a Thursday show. So April 24th, 25th, 26th, or 23rd, 24th, 25th. It's, oh, I know what it is. Great.

Seattle, April 24th. Yeah. Portland, Friday, April 25th. Okay. San Francisco. Sunday. Saturday. Oh, is it Sunday?

It is Sunday. Okay. April 27th. That should be the week that we stay and hang out in San Francisco. Oh, yeah. When we're done with the, that's great. Yeah. Beautiful time of year.

Lovely that time of year. Great. I think tickets will be made available soon, or you could search our website or something. We'll announce it more formally than that. Right. We also have a show at the University of Minnesota. Yeah. April 10th.

April 10th, if you go to the University of Minnesota. Very specific, very specific reference. We are going to Minneapolis, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, nowhere else. Ever again. The end. Yeah. All right. Should we question four it up?

Yeah. How are we doing on time? We're over 30 minutes. Great. Let's see if I'm going to refresh my ESPN page to see who the last number one seat is. Wow. Oh my gosh. Yukon.

No. University of Virginia. UVA. UVA Charlottesville. I love that. They won the ACC tournament for the first time since 1976. They beat Duke, if you can imagine. Fook Duke.

Fook Duke. Fook you. All right. What does UVA write? UVA writes. Oh, this is kind of an interesting story. All right. Ready?

Yes. They write. So here's my problem. About two weeks ago, my sister and her husband had me over for dinner. My brother-in-law was telling me how frustrated he was because apparently my nephew spilled coke all over his very expensive nice new keyboard, a computer keyboard, not piano. What really was bothering him was the fact that after the kid broke the keyboard, he hit it.

My bro-in-law just wants to see the keyboard and assess the damage, but he thinks the kid is lying and just stole it or gave it to a friend or something. Now, about a day ago, my nephew approached me in confidence when we were alone and he sadly told me he masturbated for the first time and splattered all over the keyboard. He panicked and threw it in a garbage bag, went to the park, and threw it in a public garage. This has been going on for two weeks and my bro-in-law and sister won't let it go. They keep hassling the poor kid.

It's making family dinners really uncomfortable for my little nieces and obviously my nephew. I made up some bullshit reason about how I have a bud who works at Best Buy and he can hook me up with the same keyboard for half the price. It's not true, but I was just going to buy it myself. But my bro-in-law is saying that my nephew needs to learn a lesson. My nephew begged me not to tell. I think he was scared and just wanted to get it off his chest. Should I tell my brother-in-law?

Tell my sister? Tell them both? Plus, the kid is looking to me for advice on masturbation. I don't know what the fuck to say to him. I'm 24, 25 years old and I'm probably addicted to porn. Anyway, thanks guys. Love UVA. This is an interesting conundrum.

Yeah. So who do you side with? This kid who opened up to you about his first masturbation, in confidence, hoping to God that his parents will never find out or should you take the even higher road and tell the parents knowing that they won't get that freaked out? What might they get freaked out? I don't think so. I think they're angrier now than they will be when the mystery is solved.

Right. It sounds like, I guess it sounds like he's angry about the kid lying so then he is about the actual losing of the keyboard. Yeah. I guess the thing to do is tell the kid that it's not a big deal, that masturbating is fine and that he should maybe tease out the cum a little less because then it won't squirt. Oh, what do you mean tease out the cum? I mean sometimes if you tighten your grip on your penis and hold off before you release

it will squirt. Oh, like backs up and it explodes. Like when you open a champagne bottle and you put your thumb over most of the opening and it has to squeeze through that little hole, it's going to go further. When you like hold a hose and then let go and there's like a rush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So I guess, yeah, tell them to control the squirting.

Yeah. Or you can just do it into a cloth or a paper towel, though I'm sure you learned that lesson the hard way. You got, I mean, and also I don't think Simon will really break a computer keyboard. No, I think he just freaked out. He's like, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I can't clean it. Oh, God.

And it's almost true. Like how would you get cum out of a keyboard like you can't really use water and you can't like dry it off. There's going to be like dried semen. I think, well, I mean, if you immediately unplug it, wipe it down with a, with a wash cloth. Yeah. Then go to a park and then put it in a public park.

You know what you should do? This guy should get one of his friends to dress up as a park ranger and knock on the door and be like, sorry, ma'am, is a little Johnny home. I have reason to believe that this, he's holding a garbage bag. I have reason to believe that this cum soaked keyboard belongs to you. Yeah. I guess they tried to dispose of it in a public receptacle and we were very turned off by it. We rummaged through all the trash looking for cum soaked keyboards and we traced his

DNA back to this little address. Nor will he be the last. We followed the trail of cum all the way from the park down to, yeah, this front, this here front door. I guess he was drizzling the whole way home like Hansel and Gretel. He let us here with this. Come to see if he got to the bottom of the barrel. Trail of Sears.

So that's one way. That's, I think, I would say you tell your sister. She's your blood. Yeah. She's, she also, she's married to this brother-in-law. Yeah. She's going to know how to handle it. Yeah.

She's got, she's got the sensitive touch. Yeah. I think brother-in-law lost sight of what's important. I think he cares more about the story of the keyboard than his fucking son's feelings. I don't think that's cool. I don't think that gets me off. Well, of course it doesn't get you off. Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm just sort of thinking about it. What would get you off about this story? I think about everything in terms of masturbation and what would get me off is maybe having sex in a public park. Has any of these, have any of these questions gotten you off? Yeah, the headboard one turned me on a bit. Yeah. The one who wanted to.

Yeah. Because I started thinking about anal. I started thinking about anal. Yeah. I started thinking about buttholes. Even mine? Not yours. But just, you know, normal.

So that was cool. I liked the way that felt. Yeah. That was nice. That turned me on. It almost got me off. Oh, here's one thing I didn't mention about hemorrhoids that I wanted to. Great.

Let's go back. Statistics say that over 50% of people have hemorrhoids. So I think it's just a lot of people not talking about it. Over 50% of people have had them, have dealt with them. Yeah, have dealt with them. So I don't know. All right. Just throwing that out there.

You know, it's like one of those, they're like, oh, everybody has herpes. If you ever had a canker store, then you have a version of herpes. Okay. Look, I understand that. That being said, you have herpes. Okay. Don't put that on me. Like, oh, everybody, 50% of people have like dealt with hemorrhoids like, oh, cool.

You have them right now. So you're gross. You're the gross. You're the gross. And actually you try to like justify it and downplay it and make it seem normal. Makes it worse. It really freaks me out. I can actually see you sitting on it as if you're sitting on a beanbag chair.

All right. So you're saying tell the sister. I think tell the sister. I think she's going to know how to play. And I think you got, you have a little too much power in the situation right now because they're coming to you saying, we're so mad at our son and the son is coming to you saying like, I spunked all over the keyboard. Yeah.

I splooched. Yeah. I think you got to just be like, look, I don't want to be part of the situation. You tell the kid, I don't talk to the, don't talk to me about this shit. Yeah. I think she has to be a good, like a good aunt or uncle. I don't know if this is a man or a woman. Yeah.

It's a dude. University of Virginia. Idiot. Fuck you. So you're saying don't, don't, don't tell the sister. I guess tell the sister, but you got to like not tell the nephew that she told the sister. I would, if I were you, downplay it to the kid and be like, dude, that's what you're worried about.

That's no big deal. I used to do that all the time. Oh, nice. Yeah. Like one time my dad splurged on a new keyboard and then I splurged on the new keyboard. Splurged and splurged. Yeah. Very nice.

He splurged on, I splurged, and then you sort of, I'll show you in like this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, you molester. You, you, you lester the molestered me. What the fuck was that? Fucking shady ass uncle. I didn't want that. Uncle Virginia, you are no uncle of mine. So downplay, try to get the kid to tell his mommy, and then the mommy will tell the daddy,

the daddy will have a talk with the kid about his ding-ling. Ding-ling. And then I get to see the next time he does it. To that I say amen. To that I say to da. To that I say amen. To that I say, all right, all right, all right. I made a joke about seeing the kid masturbate.

It was, you were already making a different joke. I just wanted to address the fact that I don't actually want to do that. And to that I say amen. And to that I say, all right, all right, all right. And to that I say, just keep living. And to that I say one more time, unequivocally, I do not want to see the kid masturbate. Without a shadow of doubt, I do not want to see that kid masturbate. Let me state it without any ambiguity at all.

I do not like to see children masturbating. To that I say amen. To that I say to da. To that I say, all right, all right, all right. I realized to do a good Matthew Mahoney, hey, you just have to be not like a southerner, but like tired. Yeah, I was thinking about it. All right. Yeah.

All right, all right, all right. Just thinking about it made me interested. To that I say, my hero was a kid masturbating 10 years from now. But he's over 18. Are you here? I say, heck no. My hero is with me in 10 years from now. He's so good.

And that keeps him going. He's such a good actor. How is that dude so good at being somebody else? So good at being chill. And then he's really, really good at being awesome at it acting. You're good at being awesome as an actor, man. So you're good at acting and then being chill. And to that we say amen.

To that we say to da. To that we say, all right, all right, all right. I will. I think to that we say to da is going to be a new thing. To that I say to da. Matthew McConaughey, did we answer this guy's question? I think so. Did you just tell the sister you say downplay to the kid?

Have him tell the mommy. I would love a follow up pup on this. Yeah, oh, this is a good one. This one is unique. This one is good. This is everything we want. And it's got a great subject line. It's called nephew jack off, which I really appreciated.

And I think I'm going to be arrested just for having that subject in my email. What was nephew jack off in your email? Don't look through my fucking email, babe. I showed your tits to Jake. Now, can we talk about that? To that I say to da. To that I say, all right, all right, all right. All right, all right, all right.

That's our show. Once again, we're going to be taking Thursday off this week, but we'll be back next Monday. Keep those theme song submissions coming. The first one was from, oh, I already said Adam Flanagan. And this next one is from Matt Bauer. Matt Bauer, and if you have any theme songs or questions of your own, feel free to email us at ifireushowatgmail.com.

Thanks, guys. Well, my friend, I know a couple of Jews. Once again, thanks to LegalZoom.com for sponsoring that episode. Visit LegalZoom.com to save on your legal needs like wheels for $69, LLCs for $99 plus filing fees, and also get access to a network of legal plan attorneys for guidance. LegalZoom is not a law firm, but provides self-help services at your specific direction. And if you're interested in using their services,

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