If I Were You - 68: Jake & Amir Scripts

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

In this episode we read writings and rank shamings.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Hedgum Original. Get the Angel Reese special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I participate in restaurants for a limited time. participating restaurants for a limited time. I'd stop that career from going to shit. Seconds. Another podcast.

Seconds. Each app different from the last. Seconds. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook shows. Now let's. Meet you two pathetic hosts. Seconds. Hello, Amir.

Let's get started. I owe the IRS $79,000. Do you have any idea how financially crippling that would be? You can't crawl out of debt. Yeah. Fortunately, I've been able to write off this podcast as a loss. Because I am a loser. The IRS listened to my show and they agreed. I suck ass.

They told me to hold this L and threw me in jail. I'm in debtor's prison and debtor's prism. They threw me inside a fucking glider, a scope, me and my CPA, a lot of trying to make sense of this insane situation with the five 40 estimated the 10 99, the W2, the W9, the charitable donations, the losses, the tax write-offs, the tax write-ons.

But I'm hoping to make it all back on today's episode of Segments, because my segment was such a hit last week, rancor, that you're gonna hit me with my own set of embarrassing things. I think that I could rank in kind. The people are clamoring for more rancor. It's the best game since guessing zero to 100

at the same time. Should we go for the, just quickly see if we could break our record of getting it in three? Yeah, let's do just three in a row real quick. One, two, three, 91. One, two, three, 45. Ooh, let's see if we can tie the record. One, two, three, 71.

Okay. Okay. That's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's always, we should always start every episode with trying to get it in less than three. Yes. There's no reason not to. Yeah, it's easy.

It's whatever. What do people say about us getting it in three? Was that like kind of miraculous to some? I felt like I didn't have a viral moment unless I did. I don't really go on social media. Yeah, I didn't really see too much about it, but some people were. Was there buzz?

Yeah, there wasn't the same clamoring because we did it so fast. There wasn't as fun of a dissection to be had with it. Yeah, exactly. That's fair. Okay, so you remember the rules of ranker because you came up with it. Basically, I'm gonna give you a list of embarrassing things and you need to

rank them and remember I'm not going to repeat the list. So you're going to want to remember or write it down. Yeah, obviously. Yeah, obviously. Do you have a pen and paper? Do you have a computer tab? Uh, no, I can memorize it. You're really just going you have a computer tab? Now I can memorize it. You're really just gonna memorize it?

I'm not. You're just gonna memorize it? You're gonna fucking memorize it. Okay, fine. All right, this is Ranker. 15 embarrassing things. 15? 15. You think you can remember that?

It's a lot actually. I thought it would be like four. No, of course it's not four. All right, maybe I'll write down keywords so I can remember. Yeah. You go to donate sperm, but prematurely ejaculate as you were checking in.

Nice. These are all also lonely and horny episodes. That's true. This one is sick. So how does it work? Do I get to watch? Also turned on to be here. Yeah, we give you like a magazine. What room do I get to crank it work? Do I get to watch? I'm so turned on to be here. Yeah, we give you like a magazine.

What room do I get to crank it in? Oh shit. A magazine? Oh. Oh my God. Don't forget that one. You clog a toilet at a funeral. Every time you order a smoothie,

you have to specify you want almond milk, quote, straight from the nuts tit. So I have to make the same joke. Right. Every time. Every single time. Yeah. With almond milk, straight from the nuts tit, every single time.

You frame a photograph of your own shit and hang it in your office. Ooh, two poop ones right off the bat. Already. At dinner with friends, the waiter returns with your drinks and you get so spooked that you scream. It could be any scream at all. It has to be of genuine fear. No, it has to be pretty loud.

I think like more of a shriek. I see. And you should be pretty loud. I think like more of a shriek. I see. And you should be genuinely afraid. Okay. You accidentally call Avi Tal by an ex's name three times in one week. It's gonna be hard to top that one.

A rumor circulates that you say your own name during sex. And is it a believable rumor or will people lie? It's come from credible sources and it kind of catches wind. So it is believed to be true. Yes, you fear that this is the new norm. Headgum fires you. When you say the new norm,

the original norm is when people yelled norm on Cheers, and the new norm is when I yell my name during sex. Exactly, yes. I see. Try to remember that. Headgum fires you in its Instagram story. Ha ha ha ha. Reason given or sort of?

Yes, it's a genuine firing. Reason given is not super embarrassing just kind of like business not personal, we have to cut costs, you have been deemed expendable, etc. etc. That's all in the story. Yeah, click through to read our reasoning. Okay. You drive a Mazda 3. That's it, my actual car. Okay. You drive a Mazda 3. That's it, my actual car. Yeah.

Okay. You do karaoke at a company retreat and you choose a song with many slurs in it. Oh. And you say them. Okay. So we assume that's a rap song with a few ill-timed epithets, if you will.

Exactly, exactly. Jake and the year colon bus style. with a few ill-timed epithets, if you will. Exactly, exactly. Jake and the Near-Cole and Bus style. Yeah, yeah. Or an Eminem song where he says the F word a lot or something. Of course. Every time you ride on an airplane,

you have to ask the flight attendant if they will make you a smoothie. Two smoothie, two poop ones. Yeah. I wrote these in a fever dream. if they will make you a smoothie. Two smoothie, two poop ones. I wrote these in a fever dream. You have to Venmo request 10 friends for things that you bought for them 10 years ago. They'll assume I'm kidding. Yeah, you have to actually,

you have to actually find a way to get the money. So I'm talking like- A lot of these, because of my lifestyle, people will assume as a joke. Right. The sex name, the firing, the Venmo requests. Right, so I think you have to- None of it will be taken serialistically.

Part of the embarrassing aspect of it, they will assume that it's a joke and you need to find a way. You, this is real, you know? Okay. They will eventually, it will come out that you're not kidding. Okay. You only have access to your wardrobe from 2004.

Which now is like kind of a cool thing, but I don't really dress cool. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Your farts smell incredibly distinct, not bad. They smell like raisins. Smell like raisins. That's good, almost.

Almost. Almost. But it will be very obvious if you ever fart. Yeah, which it sort of is anyway, but okay. You develop a large bald spot. Ooh, in the back of my head? Yeah, the end. Or on my like ass?

Not on your ass, on your dome. Okay. Well, you gave me a lot of shit to work with here. I hope you remember. Can you repeat any of them? No, no I can't. Very good, that was a test. As the godfather of ranker, I was just checking to see if you had that rule down

and you did. Yeah. That's the one rule of ranker. Yes. Okay. Uh, like you did, I think I'm going to start from the bottom. Now we here started from the bottom of the whole being here.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's the song you choose. Um, okay. The least offensive thing here, which I almost wouldn't mind is the good farts. The, uh, the one where my farts smell like raisins. Yeah. Yeah. Cause right now my farts don't smell good and people just still accuse me of it.

Right. This way my farts smell like raisins, which I guess is almost an improvement from what I'm actually dealing with. Yeah, it's actually an interesting psychological question. Like part of the reason you don't like when somebody farts around you is because it smells bad, it smells like ass. So if it smelled good, you would still know

it was a gas coming from an ass. But are you like? But they wouldn't be, it's not crass. Right, it's not crass gas from an ass. They would enjoy it. In fact, I'm almost tempted to develop some sort of anal lozenge or stick, a wealthy little great gummy up there

and see if it actually translates in a fucking weird way. Or if I just balled up there and see if it actually translates in a fucking weird way. What if I just balled up a raisin? Yeah, because they're already so thin and dehydrated. I feel like I can just put a little smuckers up my ass. So I'll go with that one. Okay, so raisin, that's at the bottom, okay. Yeah.

Second to the bottom would be probably nutting in front of a woman who's working at a sperm bank. No, I'm just kidding, that one's really bad. I'll have to do Mazda 3. Right, because that's my actual car. I've already made peace with that. And I sort of, I take emotional solace in the fact that I don't really care about cars.

So like, you know, it's kind of like my version of a fuck you mobile is that the fact that it's just the normal car. Yeah, it's kind of nice actually now because you've resisted the urge to get a Tesla. Now is a weird time to get a Tesla. Yeah, and now it's gone full back around. Yeahed the urge to get a Tesla, now is a weird time to get a Tesla. Yeah, and now it's gone full back around, yeah.

Now that everyone has a Tesla and Elon's a Nazi, it's starting like, it would have been a weird look right now, especially if I was paying $1,200 a month for it. I think so. Which brings us out of the bottom. At this point, these things are slightly embarrassing. I think screaming when a waiter comes would be playful and funny.

It would still be embarrassing, but it wouldn't be like devastating to my personality and career. So I'll put that 15th. Yeah. And it creates a fun story. It'd be like, hey, remember when you, yeah, remember when you screamed?

Yeah, that really spooked me for whatever reason. Oh my God. Yeah. Now I'm staring at the two smoothie ones. I'm wondering if I can go back to back. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, back to back. Do you remember the first smoothie one?

Cause that was early on. I'm down to remind you if you need to. Yeah, that one was saying straight from the almonds nut or straight from the nuts tit every time I order a smoothie. Which in conjunction with the flight would be every time I board a plane as well. Can I get you anything? Do you guys have a r rasmataz with almond milk straight

from the nut's tit? Sir, you have to get on the plane. We have water. Okay, I'll just do that. I think a smoothie flight attendant is fine because they'll just think I'm an idiot or being cheeky where I order us a blended fruit drink. Yeah. From economy comfort. 38 D a middle seat. It's just that one time I flew in first class

and they had a mango lassi. So I'm wondering if we can run it back. a mango lassi. So I'm wondering if we can run it back. This is a spirit air flight to Boise, sir. And then I'll break this smoothie one up with clogging a toilet at a funeral because I don't know if anybody will assume it's me. You can always use the,

it was clogged when I got there excuse. Yeah, that's not bad. I actually clogged a toilet once at, not at a funeral, but at my cousin's restaurant. Yeah. She like had a, she went to a cafe and we went there for a party. And I went to the bathroom and I,

well, I didn't just clog the toilet, it overflowed. And I actually don't think that I clogged the toilet cause I just went pee. How can you clog it? Like it's embarrassing, very sitcom embarrassing to clog a toilet, but really it's like, I just took a shit as I usually do and wiped my ass. The toilet is bad.

If anything, it's embarrassing for you that your plumbing is so finicky. But I flushed it and it just- Even if I did clog it. It like rose up and started spilling onto the floor and it was like going into the restaurant. And I'm like, this is- That would have happened regardless of how thick

or hardened my log slash toilet paper was. You standing ankle deep in shit water. Anyway, this person will be missed. I wonder if I can team this up with the frame shit. Oh yeah. We're already talking about poop. Shit based. Yeah. I wonder if I can team this up with the frame shit. Oh yeah. We're already talking about poop. Shit based. Yeah.

And would this be a noticeable turd? I took a picture of it because it's 17 inches long. Yeah, yeah. Or is it just, I took a duty on the floor and made it an art. No, you took a duty that was so, it was so big that it wouldn't go down with a flush. You were gonna have to like break it up with a plunger.

It was just a 17 inch log. Yeah, a snake. The basin, yeah. Not even a coil, just an absurd log. A stick, really? Yeah, so you're proud. It's a pride moment. I will go down with this shit.

Nice. I will put my framed pic and remember, that's the 10th least embarrassing one. And then after that, I'll go back to the smoothie and say the nut joke every single time I order one, which is not great. Not great. You think you'll maybe find yourself not-

I don't order a smoothie. Yeah, you probably won't have smoothies really. And I could still use the acai corollary. Yes, exactly. Seventh most embarrassing thing on this list. Ugh, these are bad. I don't want either of these things. Baltspot is bad,

because it literally affects the way I look slash am. It's gonna be hard to beat that. And it's not a one, the rest of these things are like one time things. Like you prematurely ejaculate, okay, that sperm bake is ruined. That means, I might almost put it there for that reason. It's like a one-time offense.

And that can't be the worst thing they've seen at a sperm clinic. Right. And as long as they don't know who I am, I can never go back. Yeah, that's true. You can just walk out and they'll never see you again. You don't have to donate sperm.

And you don't have to do it there. I will have to live with that shame. So that's not great. The fear that maybe somebody will repeat the tale and it will get back to you. You'll always live with that. The other stuff is more permanent slash rumor based, which is like not only do I have to live with it,

but everybody I know will know like the fire ring or the name sex thing. Yes, yes, yes. Let's see here. Saying my name during sex is not good. Karaoke slur. That probably goes with the firing one because it was neat and bad.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. But at least the firing one, because like it was a lead to that. Yeah. Yeah. But at least the firing one, it's not, I'm not publicly canceled. Like I could be potentially from the slurs one. Right. So I'll go publicly firing sixth, because that almost endears me to people. Cause it's like, oh, that sucks that they did that.

That's true. I wonder what he did. I'm like, I have no idea. I did a pretty good version of not like us at the retreat. The next thing I know. I'm at a sperm bank reading the news. And it's probably a minor offense. Now we're doing top five.

These are all not great. Yeah. We're talking about dressing like it's 2004. We're talking about calling Avi tall a different name three times a week. Yeah, that will really, that will, that will, I think that ruins your marriage borderline. Yeah. It's when do you come back from that?

The third time. That's quite an, I think after it happened the first time I got so in my head. Which explains the second, but not the third. Again, not embarrassing, but sort of every time I'm alone with her, we'll have to constantly be thinking about it. Yeah. Which I don't want.

But that's almost- What was your wardrobe in 2004? Like walk me through your drawers. It was cargo shorts that were, you know, kind of thick, baggy. It was long sleeve, tight colored tees over or under polos and other t-shirts. Basically what we look like when we started making Jake and Amir videos. That's not bad. That's not bad nowadays. I look at Pete Davidson and he dresses that way. But yeah, and that one's sort of embarrassing to me,

but maybe I can pull it off as like, oh, this is my style. This is my thing. So it's like, you know, it's embarrassing, but it doesn't, again, ruin my life. So maybe I'll do that for five, the 2005 wardrobe. The early 2000s wardrobe mixed with a bald spot is extra funny too,

because you're trying to recapture your youth as it's fading. I thankfully, I only have to choose one of these at a time. My name during sex is pretty bad, but kind of funny. And my hair is still intact, so I'll put that forth. I had no idea how much you valued your hair, I love it.

Yeah, it's like the most, you know, the best part about my body is my hair, and if I lose that, then what am I down to at this point? I'm just a normal man. I have to win some sort of genetic toss-up, otherwise I have nothing. Right. So screaming my name During Sex is four. Karaoke Slur is third because hopefully

that stays within the company and I can live in shame but at least Avi Tals not secretly and constantly forever thinking I'm in love with somebody else. But she also wouldn't want me to have a bald spot. There's also different levels of bald spots. Yeah. I don't know if you want me to think full Caesar or just like a thinning hair that I can sort of attack with medication.

It's like, it's Yamaka sized. That's pretty big. Yeah, it's big. I would let Avital choose the last two because they both affect her more than me. Interesting. And I think she would choose my hair over me being in love with somebody else. So I'll go number two, I call Avital something else three times.

And number one most embarrassing thing is I develop a huge bald spot. Wow. Brought to you by hims. I'm so vain. You probably think this game is about me, don't you? Not to shame anybody with a bald spot. Some people are stronger, better, more confident than I am.

This is just a personal thing that I have an issue with. I'm just down to my hair. Not to shame anyone with a bald spot. I would just rather rap a song laden with stars. Sexually assault a worker, sperm bank, lose my wife, lose my life, then have a fucking yarmulke skin. As long as I have a fucking yarmulke skin.

As long as I have a flow to go home to. I'd rather wear a thermal for a year than feel the sun. I guess at that point I can also just buzz my head, right? Yeah, of course. I don't have to have a head of hair in the front with a bald spot in the back. Right, yeah, it just limits your options. But you've already locked this in.

That's the other thing about rank. Once you complete the list, it's locked. Ranker is an anchor in that way. Yeah, any of those that shock you, slash you would change for yourself? I don't think so. I mean, I think you, I guess maybe I would have done Mazda over fart raisins, just because I wouldn't want to rock the boat.

Fart raisins is a big change. But yeah, that's, that seems pretty, that's pretty much like I imagined it going. I wonder if you changed Mazda to Cybertruck where it would fall in this list. Interesting. Yeah. You have to drive a car that everyone stares at. This I don't really understand what this like. I know people hate the Cybertruck, but why do they hate it more than any other Tesla? Is it just because it's like kind of ostentatious?

Yeah, I think the way it looks is like kind of dorky. Like you're cosplaying as a future tank driver and then the guy gets out and he's just like an accountant. Yeah, I mean, I just don't think that's like any lamer than lots of other cars, but it's not like, and Musk does both of them, right? Yes, they're both Teslas. Or that one is a Tesla.

Yeah, I feel like hating that one more than other Teslas doesn't make any sense to me. I think it's- It's just the size of it. It's the truck plus the Tesla. The shame comes from me, for me it comes more out of showing your support for Elon Musk.

And I can't separate the Cybertruck from Tesla. Like I think they're both, they're both like badges of honor for him. If I were driving a Tesla, I think I would trade it in. Wow. So, I mean, but the Tesla, you can sort of get lost in the weeds. If you drive a Cybertruck, you're basically,

you have a megaphone telling everybody who's around you that you drive a Tesla. Yeah. Well,, you have a megaphone telling everybody who's around you that you drive a Tesla. Yeah, well, why does the, I don't know why, why do you get lost in the weeds with a Tesla? Cause there's so many of them, so like it almost doesn't pop out. Yeah. I mean, you drive a Kanye West Mercedes,

so like you don't really have a leg to stand on. I'm wearing Yeezys with the little swastikas on the tongue. You bought and drive Hitler's Duesenberg Model J that he fucking rode in. So you really don't have a fucking say in the matter. That's fair. Okay, let's take a break and play another thing after these messages.

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Yes. Thank you quip. And we're back. Um, all right. This one's not really a game per se per se. No, this one is just a rough draft of a Jake and Amir script. That's been sitting in my inbox for so long. Wow. That I'm like, I don't know when we're going to make this. I don't even know if we're going to make this, but I wrote it recently. And usually how it works is I write a draft, and then you tweak it, and then we read it together,

and then we improvise on the day. So this version of it is not the final on vinyl, but it gives you a good idea. Yeah, exactly. So we're gonna do this a little backwards out of order. We're gonna do a cold read through. You've never read this before. You don't even know what it's about.

No, I didn't even know you're working on it. Yes, of course not. So this is a blind table read, not of table read three, but of Jake and Amir Colon accounting. Not colon accounting, it's just called accounting. Right, exactly. The idea is that I got one of those calculators that prints like in the old timey days

with a green visor and a cigar. I see. All right, yeah, that's the scene direction so far. Amir is sitting with a green visor and a calculator that prints paper. And I'm punching away. That does not add up. Yeah, you still owe me $3,000 by the way.

For remind me? You called me yesterday and said, there's a gun to my head right now. I can explain tomorrow, but unless you Venmo me $3,000, there will be blood on your hands. And you believed that? Okay, boomer. I didn't until I heard the gunshots

and your voice got louder than it's ever been, begging me for 3000 via Zelle. You said you were good for it. And at no point did you assume this was a goof. I did until I heard a man yelling in Swedish. The gunshots were so loud and you were begging for your life. It was really jarring. Yeah. I mean, you're a casual man.

I don't know what else to say. You're a fucking- I'd like the money back now. Right. So I can do, let me look, $1 daily and pay you back. There's no way you can figure that out. Eventually? Right. Don't crunch numbers.

You don't know how math works. Just send me the money I gave you back to me. Okay, how about this? I'm crunching more numbers. I can give you two now. Two thousand? Two-enty. Two-enty basically two-enty two and then I will owe you putting a cigar in my mouth. That smells like shit. Two thousand three nine one point three five. All right we kosher. No. Are you really saying we're

not kosher? I gave you three3,000 and you said a number less than that. Okay, here's what I can do. If it's not just sending me my money back, then I don't care. It's a payment plan in kind, okay? Do you know what that is? No. It's a payment in Richard Kind's cryptocurrency

and I'm sorry, have I ever made you laugh? No. No, probably not because you don't find me funny Yeah, yeah, but that's half of it you also annoy me so I don't ever want to give you even polite laughter Okay, here we go punching numbers again Because the last thing I want is for us to have to tell the taxman about any of this shit. We won't. Uh, I gave you $30,000 for a job.

Are you really not going to report that to the IRS? I gave you $3,000 as a gift so we don't need to report that. And gotcha! Holding up a tape recorder. Jake, I hit play and Jake says, I gave you $3,000. That's not incriminating. Ah, shart me. Okay, sorry, my head is spinning

because I'm 3K in the fucking hole. What did you spend my money on? This is an antique mechanical printing calculator, manual adding machine, an ADO, ADDO, Malmo, Sweden, early 20th century, heavy cast iron backlight, original graphite paper, retail value drum roll please. Definitely not.

609 but your boy got it for 3K cause he was robbed at gunpoint. That was real. Oh yeah, I lift up my shirt to reveal a bullet wound. Oh my, oh my God. Was that a laugh? That's not bad. Yeah.

That's really not bad. It comes full circle. It's a lot of props, which we're usually shy against, but once we have the things in hand, it's kind of easy. Yeah, the calculator, the hat, the cigar, The makeup. The makeup, the gun hole. The gut hole.

Yeah, Jake and Amir accounting. It's there for sure. Do you have any joke ideas as we were reading it? I don't know if I had any as we were reading it. I thought that you were, I was gonna guess 3000 when you said drum roll please. Retail value, drum roll please. I say 3000 3000 609.

You think this costs $3,000. Why are you dense man? I got this. I, how much did you pay for it? I paid 3k because I got robbed at gunpoint. But you fucking prices right in your ass out of basically getting this thing for free. Does anybody else have a guess? Somebody sitting next to you? A dollar? Correct. You give it to Emma. Yeah, whoever just happens to be sitting

next to you that day. All right, not bad. Maybe you could tweak this. We could do another table read and one day even shoot this damn thing. Oh, that's interesting. So I take this, I add my stink to it, and then we read it again. Yeah, it can even be a page one rewrite if you want. So this entire thing becomes about- The sisterhood of the traveling Jaden Amir script. It never ends.

And we never shoot it because this is it. It's constantly evolving. Yes, it's an oral history. Suddenly it becomes not unlike the Bible. Yeah. I wonder, I don't think I had... Oh, I had an old Jake and Amir script, but I think we read it once. We read it?

Oh, like one that we never made that we read on the podcast? Yeah, I think it's called Latte. And I, do you remember this at all? Is it the one we shot about me being at Azteca? No, it's not. It's like you hitting on a barista ordering a latte and for some, I'm just reading it now. It seems like it works.

It looks like you kiss the barista at the end. And it's me flirting with her so successfully that I kiss her in front of you. Yeah. I'll upload it to the chat because now we're talking about it. I have to read it. I'm sorry to anybody that's heard us do it before, but-

It is funny to imagine you're so embarrassed and she's so into it. Do you want my number? I don't want your number. I want the whole damn thing. What? All right, let's read latte together. I, and it might've been something I wrote like

as we were ending, like I didn't write it recently. I think I wrote it like 10 years ago before we ended Jake and Amir because that happened kind of fast. Hmm, okay. Okay, do you have the script? Yeah. Interior coffee shop day. Jake is working on a laptop with a muffin and a coffee. It's peaceful, serene. He looks up,

a cute barista. They make eye contact and smile, each looking away shyly. Playing hooky today, are we? Please. Jakey, Jakey, Waked and Bakey. You think you can just get high and skip work without me? I'm working from a coffee shop. People do this all the time. Spend some Jake's computer. This is work. Jake's computer is playing an old Avril Lavigne music video.

I'm gonna, my cousin posted it on my, you know what? It doesn't even matter, all right? It's Saturday. I'm allowed to do this. I'm getting a latte, you want anything? I'm good. Two lattes coming right up. Amir starts pushing past people in the line.

Excuse me, coming through, latte emergency actually, move. Jake puts his head down. Amir lands at the register, the barista Katie approaches. I'll be Katie. Hey, how are you? Please don't talk to me until I've had my coffee. I'm here to get you your coffee. Perfect.

I'll have a, what's your favorite latte? The French vanilla is really good, but we're doing a pumpkin spice one right now that might be even better. I'll have both, you sold me. Anything to eat? Muffin, scone? Oh, a scone.

I want to, but I shouldn't. They're made fresh every morning. I don't doubt they're delicious, love. I'm just watching what me eats. Well, I made them myself with whole wheat dough. You really can't sell anything. I wish I had that power. So that's one scone?

How about two? Katie is beaming. Two scones. And maybe there's one sweet thing I can sell you, Amir Linson. I think there is. I'm hypnotized here. The kiss.

It's sweet. Adorable. I'll be sitting right there with a latte I'm hypnotized for her. They kiss, it's sweet, adorable. I'll be sitting right there with a latte and a scone to share with you as soon as you get on a break. I mean, she takes out cash. Katie says, on me. I remember what's the cash in the tip jar. She kisses Katie's hand, sits back down.

Jake is incredulous. What? You want this fucking scone to taste gay as shit. How did you, what did you say to her? To who? Oh, the emergency thing? The barista. I've been coming here every Saturday since we moved

and I can barely talk to her. You guys just basically made out. Katie sits down. I decided I could take my break early. Can I help you? Oh my God. But... I'm sorry, just... Remind me, who are you?

I'm Katie. We just... Then Jake says, you just kissed. I'm sorry, I don't recall. Katie says, you monster, get out. Katie throws a latte in Jake's face for some reason. All right. Never ever gonna be made, but pretty good.

Bizarre. Yeah, I hypnotize a barista to kiss me and then I nigger or actually have severe brain trauma. Yeah, you actually disassociated. We probably don't need the first page, like the me arriving to see you working, I can almost just walk into you or walk into the coffee shop saying,

emergency, emergency, I need two lattes. Right, that's true. But you need the setup of me smiling at her because it shows that I wish I could do what you were doing. Right, maybe you're nervously ordering. Oh, that's good. It's like sort of going well, sort of not. Yeah.

And then I get there and fuck shit up, but actually. You Casanova the entire thing. I Cyrano de Bergerac myself. How did you say that stuff? Huh? I love you kissing a brista in front of a line of people. Imagine being in line and just like, the person in front of you, you're always like,

God, why are they asking, they're asking you about the specials they're taking forever. Holy shit, they're flirting, are they kissing now? This is crazy. Hi, I know you cut me earlier, but can I kiss you too? Ladies, ladies, there's plenty of me to go around. Can I kiss you too? Ladies ladies There's plenty of me to go around I'll sit at the other register

If we can want to make a impromptu kissing booth I'm supposed to be here wingmanning my bro. Does anybody here want to kiss Jake? Boo Obviously, I'm kidding. Dude, you gotta fucking get outta here. I don't know what you're doing. Everyone throws their lattes on me. Ha ha.

This is the beginning of a nightmare on Elm Street situation where you get burned. That's right. This is Freddy Krueger's origin story. You're a villain. This is your villain origin story. Jake and Amir Latte and Jake and Amir are accounting. Maybe this is the future of our episodes.

We're just reading them. Saves a lot of money. It definitely saves a lot of money. People can let us know if they enjoy it. Yeah. You did want to, or was it Jeff's idea to have a season of Lonely and Horny be just the dates as an audio show?

And we should do that. Yeah, like somebody just tape recorded, these are my, these are the lost dates of Ruby Jade. Yeah. In 2019, Ruby Jade went on 10 dates and 10 nights and recorded them all so that you could. Yeah, for like, you would have had to do it for your class.

Yeah, for educational purposes, but then COVID shut everything down. So he's just been sitting on this data. He's gonna upload them here today so that you guys can read and analyze it for him. That's actually pretty good. There's a audio book. You're watching Severance, right?

Yeah. There's an audio book, you're watching Severance, right? Yeah. There's an audio book that they made. You know the Alan, or the Rick and Hale book in the show, like Be the You, You Are or something? Yeah. So they actually, Avietal found like they made an actual audio book of the first eight chapters of that and released it at like the Apple Store.

That's like ancillary content. Much effort, that's incredible. Does he read it? I bet he does. And that guy, Rickin, reads it. And it's like laugh out loud funny. Like we were listening to it as a podcast and cracking. Like Severance is funny, but kind of dark.

And this audio book is just pure insane silliness. But this, this audio book is just pure insane silliness. Like he was, his parents made him as part of a performance art piece that took nine months called like, guess who's coming now fuckers. And like they got arrested for it. And he considers the art his twin brother. And it was just so fucking funny. I don't know who wrote it or what the backstory is,

but it's hilarious. It kind of prematurely or like retroactively inspired me to do this potential idea where we're doing these lost tapes of Ruby Jade. Oh, that's interesting. All right, I'm very into it now. And if, that's my unsolicited advice, if anybody likes Severance,

then you can listen to the audio book somehow. I don't know how she found it. I think it's in like the Apple bookstore or something. Right, must be, yeah, cause it's on Apple. Yes, exactly. All right, that's it. That's our time. Good work, good job.

Oh yeah. Thanks for listening. Oh yeah. And if you want more of us, we're always on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. Maybe one day we'll be watching a Jake and Amir taxes and Jake and Amir latte.

It's accounting and you know that. Sorry. It's actually gonna be called calculator at the end of the day. Yeah, it's better. Okay, and we'll be back on this here audio only medium next week. Boom, baby.

So we'll see you or hear you soon. Bye everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum original.