If I Were You - 69: Mom

Episode Date: March 24, 2014

In this episode we discuss dimes, mothers, and Dave Rosenberg.This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com -- The best way to discover new music, and get paid for uploading your own! Check out http://www.ourtunez.com/ifiwereyou and use promo code "Jake" or "Amir" for FREE six month premium membership.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

One, two, three, four. Jay and Amir have a show. But it's not the one you probably know. They're not the awful people they pretend to be. And that one, here they're real. But it's still a lot of fun, oh. Don't get me wrong. They're still really awful people, especially Jay.

But we love them still. We can't stop listening, no, we can't stop tuning in. If I were you, I'd host the podcast show. Perfect song. Really? I loved it. It was a ballad, it told a story, and it was funny, and it made me feel nice. What was the genre?

Because I like that song. But how do I listen to other songs like that? I think it's like folksy. Pop, folksy pop. It wasn't pop, was it? It was catchy, it was upbeat. What's the most famous song that sounds like that? This land is your land?

Yeah, no. It's not quite as poppy as that. That's just more folk. That's like Simon and Garfunkel. Simon and Garfunkel aren't quite as folksy as that. This guy's name is, he wrote this whole email accompanying his song, and I'm like, this guy's a turd, I'm not going to play his song. It's so good that I'm like, oh, this guy's actually really good.

I'm going to read his email verbatim. The whole thing, wow. So he said, my name is Sheridan Wojka, W-O-I-K-A. So if we use his theme song, I'd love for you to plug my band, the Sheridan Wojkas. And then I clicked on the Sheridan Wojkas, and it takes me to a website called Sticker Kids Kitchen. So there's a chance that the Sheridan Wojkas changed their names to Sticker Kids Kitchen, which probably makes more sense,

because Sticker Kids Kitchen is much more fun and cool to say than the Sheridan Wojkas. Either way, the song is great. Thank you, Sheridan Wojka. Well, that's how you listen to more songs like that then. You become a stickin' kitchen band. Yeah, but I don't want to learn new songs. I feel like I like the songs that I know.

You already know Macklemore and Rapgod. Yeah, so I feel like I've already known Rapgod, and so now I'll just listen to the Rapgod over and over. Yeah, like I've already listened to all the good songs, so I just have to listen to them again. Just, yeah, fair enough. Yeah, I don't want to learn anything new. Bad attitude.

Song-wise, I feel like I've peaked. Oh, you know what? I think there's a song that's like... What is it? No, it's like... It's late December and I should be back at school. Something like... Is it Countin' Crows? No, no, no, no. It's like, um... No, no, you idiot.

Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have died another if I could have died. Oh, fuck no, this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever done in a podcast. Anymore! Oh, God, you're awful. You're so bad at music. Shit, what is that song?

You want to look it up while I explain the show? Yes. All right, great, hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm looking up a song, but I'm Jake. So, how does it work? People email us with their difficult little questions.

They need advice, and so they come to us and they email us at IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. We read these real emails from real people and do our best, our darndest, actually, to advise them out of their sticky situations. It's Rod Stewart, Maggie May. Oh, Rod Stewart is really good. You know what song does that kind of sound?

It reminds me that it gets me happy like that opening theme song is. That was a bad way to say it, but Someone Like You by Rod Stewart. How does that one go? Someone like you makes it hard to live without somebody else. Someone like you makes it easier. I just wanted you to make yourself sing it the way I did. There's some other song that's like this, oh, fuck it. Fuck it.

Songs are good is what we're trying to say. We like music, even though we can't sing it or appreciate it. We like old music that we can't remember. I wonder what percentage of people listening to this podcast are listening to it for the first time. Maybe it's 5%, maybe it's 10%. But if you are here for the first time, thanks for joining us. We open every episode.

You never ever thanked new people. Why not? We should. I guess we're starting now. I just wanted to explain that every episode starts with a new, brand new theme song that is submitted to us by our talented fans. And yeah, you can submit those yourself at that same email if I were your show at gmail.com.

Now, this episode will be a little bit different because instead of choosing four questions together, we each chose two and we're going to read them back and forth and the other person is going to hear them for the first time. So I chose two questions, Jake chose two questions and we haven't heard each other's questions yet. That's right. Do you want to start or should I start?

I'll start. Yeah, you never read questions. I'll start. I'll start. Hey now. You're an all start. Get your game on. Get your read on.

Go farts. Nice. What's a good... We'll do the 90s bands. Oh. This is from Smash Mouth. Okay, yeah, okay. These are really almost from real people.

We give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. So this person's name is Smash Mouth. Smash Mouth writes, Hi, I've listened to every episode and wished I had problems that equaled those of the people who write in and I never really did until recently. I've started talking to two girls. One, an absolute smoke show.

10 out of 10. Perfect. But I find just a bit off. Not that she's not nice. There's just something about her personality I don't quite like. Then there's this other amazing girl. Probably a 9 out of 10. And I find her personality beautiful.

I want to get to know her better and hopefully start dating her. But I just can't get out of my head this opportunity I have with a 10 out of 10. What do I do? Should I fuck the hotter one just to get it out of my system? Then get with a 9 out of 10? Any advice would be brilliant. Smash Mouth. Cool.

I've never heard a question for the first time on the show before. That was fun. So this guy's choosing between a dime and a nine. A dime and a nine. Dime with a terrible personality. Not a terrible, but something's wrong with it. Something a bit off. Something a little bit off.

I want to see if you find in this email the same thing that I caught. Which was, is it the overarching sentiment of this guy can fuck a 10 and a nine? It's sort of the overarching sentiment of this guy's self aggrandizing asshole. Which is... A 10 likes me and a nine likes me. What am I going to do? Hook up with the nine? But then I'll never get this 10 out of my head.

So even though I don't find her that attractive personality wise, I would like to fuck her just because I can. And then I'm going to go out with the nine. Well, it seems like he brings up an interesting point, not specifically this scenario. But every time, you always go for, let's say, the most attractive person right off the bat. Because that's the first thing you see with them physically. And then you start taking away points based on their personality. So this girl, I mean, a 10 and a nine are so similar, it's almost not worth it. Even trying to figure out the specific problem here.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Sometimes I have beer goggles on so blurry that I think a nine is a 10 or a 10 is a two. It honestly doesn't even matter. That's why I coined the phrase. And I say coined because I'm talking about dimes, nickels, pennies and quarters sometimes. I've had a court of beer and I am so black out drunk that my beer goggles make me screw a fucking buffalo nickel. What's a buffalo nickel? It's a five that looks like a goddamn donkey.

It's a five that resembles a goddamn buffalo. That's right. Yeah, I'll fuck a girl who looks like a buffalo Bill's player, actually. A water buffalo as I need to butt chug water just so I can sober up and stop myself from looking up with this goddamn nickel. This girl who looks like I swear to God, Thurman Thomas with a wig, Jim Kelly without one. Jolly old Saint Nick, nickel. She is fat and bearded and I'm not sure she's a woman, but I've had enough ales in my body to decide that my goggles are made of beer. And I think I'm going to hook up with her or him.

I have beer goggles so thick. I'll fuck a bottle of beer. I don't even need a woman. I will have sex with a beer that I drink. Fuck I'm coming. Oh no. I fucking premature ejaculated into a Heineken bottle. I put it in her heiny.

And I have cum goggles now. They're way more cloudy. It makes every girl look like beer. Where were we? What should he do? Should he hook up with this ten just to get it out of his system and then move on to a nine? You know what, sure. If you can hook up with a ten and then a nine, do that.

Please. You don't have any advice that you need. It's self-aggrandizing. You can't hook up with a ten. That's what I'm saying. I feel like he just wanted to write this email just to fucking show his problem to the world. But let's talk about it in more grand terms. Let's say there was a ten with an awful personality and a girl that you would deem a five.

I feel bad even ranking women at this point. I would like to submit this. If you actually have feelings for this beautiful nine, then there's always going to be tens out there. There's always going to be tens. There's always going to be sevens. There's going to be fours knocking down your doors. If you are feeling something for this nine and she's beautiful inside and out, then cut it off and just go and just fuck her.

Yeah. Well, I have a problem. I can't really separate a hot person with a terrible personality is not attractive to me. Oh, yeah. No, I don't have that problem. Some people can separate the personality and the physicality. Yes. You can.

Yeah, of course. A hot, terrible person you can still be attracted to. I could be attracted to an ugly, terrible person. I have been. I've dated them. What? You dated an ugly, terrible? Of course.

And the UT? I? Of course. Did you just confess to me that you have a urinary tract infection? I do need cranberry juice. Is that what girls do when they have UTIs? Yeah, yeah, cranberry juice. So how do you, is it a conscious thing that you can do?

Other girls are hot but terrible, but let me try to not think about that, or is it just... Well, she's Louise. Is it the way your brain is wired? If a girl is hot but terrible, then I'd like to punish her by fucking her, stabbing her with my knife dick. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The curse. The curse.

In my mind, your way back at her isn't by like, you, if a girl's hot but terrible. For me, yeah, my way is like... You're like, all right, I'm not going to talk to you. If a girl's hot but terrible, I'm like, I'm going to fuck you. Yeah. I'm going to make you like me so much that you fuck me, and then I'm going to leave, and then I'm terrible. I like to out-terrible people.

Oh, so you want to be even more terrible than a terrible girl? Yeah. Okay, so why is that? You don't seem insecure. Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I am insecure, and maybe I'm just like, oh, if I... You know, like, it's like if I'm afraid of murderers, but then I just become a serial killer. I become the creepiest motherfucker in the world, then people fear me.

I see. So let's say I have a fear of bees. You should become a wasp. What? You become the more terrible creature. A white Anglo-Saxon Protestant. That's exactly right. Yeah.

All of a sudden, your name is Richard. Oh my God, I'm sprouting a fucking sweater vest. Richard Cooper, nice to meet you. Hey, is that a squash racquet, or are you just happy to see me? You know my wife, Sheila, my two lovely twin daughters. Sheila and Sheila? Oh no, I made a terrible mistake. Shit, suddenly I can't differentiate between my wife and daughters.

My wife. That accent almost made it work. My wife. You know my wife. Eat my wife. Take my wife, Sheila. So did we answer this guy's question? He's a liar.

Yeah. Well, I think, so my answer is that like you're always going to be tempted by a ten. Just like go with your heart right now. And it sounds like your advice was just to fuck, if you can fuck a ten, then fuck a ten. Yeah. Unless you think it's going to compromise something with the nine. I mean, if you can, you should. It's your right as a human being to have sex with the most attractive person that you can.

Well, what if she, but like what if this ten likes him and he's like, oh, I just want to fuck her and then like leave her. It's your dirtying, you're complicating your situation. Yeah. But you can just sleep with someone without leading them on. As long as, yeah, I think as long as you're up front and honest with both of the girls and that's good. Yeah, you say, hey, you are so attractive. I've never been able to get someone as good looking as you to actually be interested in me. I'm not interested in your personality.

There's a nine down the road who has a much better thing going on. However, I would like to. Oh, hey, what the hell? All right. You were in ten. Let me get there. Bitch. Sorry.

I shouldn't have used that word, but crap. That really freaking hurt. It kills my heart. It hurt my soul, actually. All right. Let's let me choose the question that I or let me read the question that I chose, I should say. All right. I might have accidentally deleted it.

That's cool. That's bad. Chill. That's not good. I wish you didn't. I would like to read. All right. Got it.

This one's funny because. Don't tell me why. Well, I have to explain a little bit. So it's a series of three emails. Let me read the first one first. Give me a nineties band to call this person. It's a dude. A sugar Ray.

All right. Sugar Ray writes. Hey guys, my friend has a friend who I'm pretty attracted to. The worst slash funniest part is that I've never met her. I've seen her on Facebook and Instagram and I'm sure she's seen me too. The only time I'll probably ever get a chance to meet her is at one of my friend's parties or something. And I don't know if or when he'll invite her. My question is how should I go about meeting slash talking to this smoke show?

Should I start following her on Instagram and message her? Should I talk to my friend about it? I don't think I should just hope to meet her one day. I've never really been in this situation and I don't know the smoothest way to deal with it. Thanks. Toda, great show. And then the next day he wrote a follow-up email to us. P.S., I would totally be down to have sex with her.

Then six days later he wrote another follow-up to us. P.P.S., I think I need to have sex with her. So more and more. P.P.P.S. I actually ended up masturbating to her and now more than ever I need to know what it feels like to have sex with her. Follow-up the fourth. I can't stop thinking that I swat slash need to bone this throne. Oh, please.

Oh, part five. I am growing desperate. It turns out I need to have sex with anything or anyone. All my friends friends are pretty attractive. Do advise. I'm begging you. So despite the humor of this guy emailing us every three days with his growing desperation. Five days and he's just like, you know what?

I need to have sex with her. P.P.P.P.P.S., I no longer give a shit. P.P.P.P.P.P.P. You smell like P.P. That was a bluff. I still want slash need it. So how well has this ever happened to you? You're scooping around somebody else's Facebook and you're like, wow, my friend's friend is hot.

Yeah, I think I've done that before. I would just add her as a friend and then like message her or something. Really, you would add a person you don't know as a friend? I think so. I mean, I wouldn't do that now. But like when I was in high school or college, which I imagine this guy is because he is so clueless. Yeah, like follow on Instagram, do whatever. I mean, like, it's your friend's friend.

The stakes are so low. You wouldn't go the friend angle? I don't know. I guess he is saying I need to have sex with her. So maybe we should give him advice that's like legit. Well, this is that idea that we had where you tell people how to message people and then they would pay you to do that because that's your area of expertise. This is like a free version of that right now. I'm king at messaging.

Call me text king. I'm always texting. And I actually just texted your thing. What do you mean? And she jumped up on my thing. You texted my thing? Doesn't that sting? No.

I don't know what you're talking about. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move.

Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move.

Move. Move. Move. Move. Jake and I would often carpool together places and whenever I drive I yell, Move. Move. Move.

Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move.

Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move.

Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. matter that changes the game a little bit yeah instead of he just wants to like whatever yeah cuz I think you should I think people should you know toss a lot of seeds into into their fertile garden beds and see what grows

yeah I'm a funny guy and like let's talk to you you and you and you and like they may be talking to him him and him and him yeah and it's just like and none of it really matters especially when we're like talking about Facebook and Instagram and like buying somebody a drink at a bar that's like low barrier to entry dating is easy simple harmless stupid fun okay now you want to have sex that's great you can do that with whoever you want is an instructional video so you've decided to have sex ex volume to the so you've so you've decided to have sex with a specific person now you're getting invested now you can be

disappointed it's a little dangerous huh so I think what I would do is just you want to max minimize rejection okay meaning so messaging her and being like hi my name is John or whatever his name is sugar Ray do you want to get a drink sometime that she says no you're like okay fuck him crushed right so you do have to talk to the friend don't it don't be a passive weirdo and like follower on Instagram right talk to the friend have a party invite her over and go up and talk to her and just be charming but you not outwardly be like I'm trying to fuck you right just you let her want to fuck you and then you

reciprocate always meet her feelings match her feelings and then see what happens but always be ready to just pull band and like a get out so then she's not like oh that guy was desperate she's just like oh that I thought that guy wanted that but maybe didn't even mean it now is go always off talking to somebody else okay well okay here well here's my question okay I'm sugar Ray I'm sugar I'm always trying to visualize thing on a mathematical line obviously that's a nerd that's a problem that's not a good thing to do but here's my humor me here me here you are at 100 okay I was born at a 100 enough

sorry I yeah no I wouldn't and then on the other side of this spectrum is the girl at negative 100 okay that those are strangers you're 200 apart meeting in the middle is boning okay so you want to go let's say to like 90 and then see if she goes to her negative 90 or she has to go to her like negative 85 a little further to 0 and then you move a little bit closer to 0 or do you want to like go to like 50 and see if she goes to like 25 and then you like sort of pull her closer you got it depends but like if you I think you start going like 90 to 85 and you just want her you don't you don't need her to meet you just you just

want her needle to move oh so like if it registers a little bit you're like oh if you if you go 85 and she goes to 98 and you're like okay I'll chill on 85 still at 85 85 85 and she's creeping up and you're like oh what's up 85 again she's like oh fuck yeah I'm at 85 and you're like 70 she's like holy shit I'm going back to 90 and you're like oh 80 80 80 80 it's fun 80 80 80 and she's like okay okay 85 and you're like 50 and she's like whoa whoa wait a second but before she knows it she's at fucking 65 because you're at 50 and then you're like baby I'm going back to 90 what the fuck you doing over there at 60 yo your dad is like

she's like hey hey you brought me here all right all right I'm at 70 and then you're like oh you're at 70 well motherfucker I'm at zero what pants are oh my god I'm hoping whoever's near you holy shit he says this guy's a creep and she walks away that was beautiful thank you see that's a perfect combination of your sexual expertise and me my love of numbers yeah so we're both good at things I'm good at counting and you're good at having sex for keeping the audio level on the pod yeah I want to make sure we don't peek and then you talk about how to have sex with people sex is good I'll tell you how to do it that's the

tagline to the website that we build where you text for people sex is good I'll tell you how to do it text king dot com the Casanova the Casanova king and texting you know then ha ha all right this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient

flexible and suitable to your schedule you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge it's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years so give therapy a try it can give you the tools to find a more balanced life I've tried therapy it's been very helpful so you can find that balance better with better help all you got to do is go to better help comm slash if I were you you do that today you can get 10% off your first month so the prices are already affordable because you're not

paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room this is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable that's better help h-e-l-p.com slash if I were you check them out thanks better help thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show wow for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an

online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example I didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website so the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you

for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace. Oh it's my turn yeah let's let's let's do one more for you okay um oh I was just looking at the lyrics to that song that I thought it was that I couldn't remember before uh-huh Amy what you want to do I think I could stay with you for a while maybe longer okay yeah sure I don't like that but you know that song what yeah yeah I know who sings it Leonard Skinnerd uh shit I just actually don't know you did all the bad part without any

of the actual learning that's my life dude all right all right wait why be a text king when you could be a text god wow think about that really really fuck you're right uh someone that being said text king and text god are both taken all right so if we build this site we'll have to think of a new name that's right um all right who is the king who is the god so I'm the judge the jury and the executioner all right this is this comes from uh weezer weezer weezer writes dear jake and amir I am in quite the conundrum all of my friends are very good friends with my mother they all think that she's funny and great and fun when she's around them she's really nice and cool when they're not around however she's a rude

she's a rude when they're not around however she's a rude I love this question she's a rude bitch to me all the time since she's friends with all my friends she knows a lot about me just from stories and she gives me shit about things I did in the past that I'm not proud of all the time and she uses these stories to berate and hurt me it's a fucking fascist regime don't get me wrong though I want to have a good relationship with my mother it's just hard when with her usually your position with my friends in order to hurt me yeah how can I either fix my relationship with my mom or get all my friends to hate her thanks weezer it's so funny to imagine like this mom sitting around with these kids friends

they're all playing poker like this kid's just like nervously shifting in his seat while all of his friends like lab like oh mrs. delby you're the funniest like all right we're gonna go and she's like bye guys she slams the door turns around looks at her son he's like now you're fucked now you're really fucked I learned stories get ready to see this rude bitch this is a fascist regime you're a fascist and this is a regime I've been regimeed I'm stuck in a regime for this oh my god that's so funny what an amazing mother she's a rude bitch to me all the time that's why her that's why your friends like her so much uh well my initial reaction was that like maybe your mom's not a rude bitch to you all the time and you just are like going into this with a

negative attitude yeah it's like one of those things where like your parents go to school and they're like all right I left like uh I left some whatever by your uh I left uh I'll give you your lunch you left a book at home and then everyone thinks it's fine and then you're like uh Jesus mom leave me alone you're such a rude bitch to me why'd you give me lunch you fascist you don't have to freaking talk to me at school you're the ugliest weirdest mom and everyone makes fun of me now for it yeah but like I I don't really relate to this because I always had the best mom ever I love my mom yeah mom if you're listening and I know you are because you support the fucking shit out of me I love you you're the best you are a queen princess god devil worshiping

bitch and I love it you are a beast what do you mean you're a motherfucking beast there was one thing you said that's devil worshiping yeah yeah yeah I that honestly it's snuck in because I was just trying to come up with as many adjectives as I could and and one time I caught my mom praying to satan and I love you mommy you're the best you're the best that being said at one point I did go into your room see you drawing black paint on the wall your eyes rolled back way to the back of your head I could see your optic nerve creeping out from under your eyelids swearing yelling sweating in Latin my mama performed an exorcism on me when I was three it didn't give it didn't give you raised a little devil didn't you mommy you raised a little devil

and now it's my my purpose my my lot in life to spread that that curse I am a negative cancer on society I'm bad to people and you raised me and supported me and you let me exist in this world so even though you're a brilliant beautiful amazing woman you worship the devil because the devil is me uh wow holy shit that was so real we all we often joke about things becoming real but that got we finally arrived I feel empty reelsville usa that was so can we actually give this kid advice what is there to do other than talk to his mother about uh or keep your friends away from your mom it's not hard you just don't invite your friends over yeah go to their house yeah go to their house that way you keep your friends away from your mom

the mom away from the stories and it keeps your mom from being such a real bee also just try to try to come at this from the place of appreciation for your mom because I bet a lot of your other friends don't have like awesome parents like you they get along with them so just like embrace it treat your mom like you would one of your buddies and it's kind of cool you might have like a nice casual fun relationship with your mom like I have with my mom I love you mom you're the best mom in the whole world all right that's it I love my mom I've already kissed her goodbye the the question is over I love her I think it's time for it's time for a break a break we need to take a little respite yes yes we have live shows coming up but you know we always talk about that

I thought it would be fun to talk read this email that we got after the Dave Rosenberg episode aired oh Dave was such a hit such a hero such a cool on our show that emails to our account started flooding in and this one is probably the best one we've ever gotten I thought it'd be fun to read it pray tell it's called Dave Rosenberg story it's so enticing hey guys I just listened to the Howdy episode with Dave Rosenberg and I thought I'd tell you a quick story about him that I think illustrates one instance of his game pretty well basically after your show in Philly my friend and I ran into Amir and Dave on the street although both of you guys in Streeter had a cold Dave wanted to come meet us out at a bar after hanging at our favorite outdoor patio bar with Dave for a bit

learning more about my favorite website college humor Dave and I went inside to look for some girls approaching girls at a bar is one of my least favorite things to do so I was glad Dave took the lead and this is what he did first off he took off his hat so all the chicks could admire his flow secondly as we were on the side of the bar scoping the scene he catches the eye of a girl by the bar who is doing some dancing no words necessary he kind of imitates her moves in a funny way and next thing I know the two are grinding up on each other tongues down throat at this point I'm pumped Dave is getting it on but I don't want to just stand there awkwardly while he dances with some girl however as I start walking away Dave waves me back over and we talk to this girl

and her friends for a bit as the bar starts to close 10 minutes later I get one of the girls numbers and end my night to head home I think Dave took the dancing girl back to his hotel but I'm really curious how that story ended up did he lick the full trail to her belly button as for me I ended up having a steady hookup for the next few months with the hottest girl I've ever been with all thanks to Dave hero illuminati illuminati he did he he won the game if there is such a thing as the game he came over danced with a girl without speaking to her made out with her and just as the kid is like oh man I'll never be as cool as Dave he like goes to walk away and Dave's like no you know what tonight's about bros too he'll come back we hang out with her friends

and uh this guy ends up hooking up with her friends for several months to come Dave goes home by the way this guy was wearing a seize the cheese t-shirt yeah but he was fucking jacked so but I mean that's maybe one of the first people to like get a girl's number while in a seize the seize the cheese shirt a seize the tease uh yes uh so that's a great Dave Rosenberg story that's amazing also we can verify that he fucked that girl yeah hotel and woke up at 8 30 a.m. and got a cheese steak so Dave ate so poorly on that tour I never saw him in the morning without either a cheese steak or a mcdonald's cheeseburger this is always before 10 a.m. yeah eating a big mac he went off menu a lot of this stuff isn't even offered yet but he's so tall and handsome

that he got it done I'm really excited to go we're going back on tour with Dave yes he had April 26 7th and 8th I think or is it 24th 5th and 6th 24th 5th and 6th because it's Saturday off I'm bad at this yeah but we're going to be in Seattle Portland and then San Francisco and we're going to be with Dave so come to the shows we're not for us than for him for real for real if you don't know where the shows are yet I'm sure you'll be inundated with information all over our website as soon as we get it but uh I don't know if anything has been officially announced or released or anything like that uh so stay tuned for that stay tuned for more great Dave Rosenberg story we should also record a podcast maybe like once or twice with Dave on the road yeah it'd be great um where more

stories will be had um do you want to read or let me read one my last question all right it's actually oddly in the same vein as your last question interesting so it kind of worked out that way um I need a I need a I need a I need a third eye blind third eye blind writes my mom is really embarrassing on facebook every time I post something she comments at least once and it's either a dumb joke or her over praising me and tagging my aunts and uncles which caused them to come and leave equally embarrassing comments yesterday I posted a video of me solving a Rubik's cube and after my mom left three paragraph long comments and later one of my school friends made

fun of her so I had to take it down before she could see it and get her feelings hurt she's sensitive about that kind of thing how can I ask her to cool it on facebook without hurting her feelings I still live with her and will until august thanks guys sorry if this sounds like a douchey teenager that irrationally hates his mom which the first one did but this guy sounds like a little bit more legit I feel like the solution though is to just not post on facebook yeah but that's hard to do if you want to post a video where's he's supposed to put his video of his rubik's cube you just don't can you disable comments I don't think so you can delete comments you could delete your mom's comments yeah but that's that's basically going behind your back and deleting comments

could you unfriend her oh that would also hurt her feelings you know what you can do is blame it on your friends be like mom my friends are like being such assholes every time you comment something amazing and cool like that's like but then she'll hate then she'll hate the friends like oh you're right they suck it's just me and you never have them over ever uh but isn't it better for her to hate the friends than for her to hate his her own son I feel like you just got to be upfront she's like mom I love you I love that you comment and you're so supportive but like um we you need to just like tone it back a little bit just a little bit leave one paragraph long comment yeah that's all you need you know yeah they're not multiple paragraphs right this happens to a lot

of people I know we're like the mom just not necessarily paragraph long but like they'll like every single thing yeah comment on every single thing and I think it's as embarrassed I think it's like it's not actually embarrassing I think if I went to somebody's profile and like there was three comments from their mom I would make fun of them right but is it actually embarrassing or you just like having fun actually embarrassing you think it's embarrassing for the like the kid should be ashamed of himself I don't think the kid should be ashamed of himself but I think it's like I do find it hilarious right yeah it's funny nobody wants to be the butt of jokes if I'm like oh your mom commented five times on your facebook status you'd be like shut up yeah so I

think you have to just be like mom like one comment max that's a good rule or just like it or message me about it tough love yeah you just got to you just got to be upfront it will hurt your feelings but like ultimately you guys will have a better relationship because you will resent each other yeah that's nice advice or like you do what I do and I just troll my mom's facebook wall I comment on her wall all the time she's she gets annoyed by me on facebook yeah you like would post like you just write a message on her wall out of the blue being like hey who do you love the most me or mica who's your favorite son that's and then you'll reply to that comment be like hey still no word from mommy about this issue I'm starting to think it's mica yeah and then you'll reply to that

comment and then I tag my sisters in it yeah you guys can you guys believe this are you believing what you're not reading yeah um that's funny troll her troll her wall in response see how she likes it perfect take that mom forget you mother uh all right that was a very special mom themed uh episode uh towards the end there episode 69 perfect for mother's day um so the end the end uh thank you guys for listening to this show we are here every single monday literally every single monday you can listen to more shows at ifireushow.com you can submit your own questions at ifireushow at gmail.com and you can also submit theme songs to that same email address that first one was from Sheridan Weika the Sheridan Weikas.com and this last one is from a guy named Hempis I

believe he's swedish and I believe he has a band too called the ticket people the ticket people so uh yeah thanks for listening to area buddy we'll see you in a week well not really see you'll sort of just hear us in a week right but still but we'll see you yeah in a week in a week um all right and to start the song I'm sitting here in this boring room it's just another rainy monday afternoon I'm wasting my time I got nothing to do I'm hanging around waiting for if I were you and then it finally happens and I wonder if I were you if I were you everybody always rides you do but all that I can do is listen to if I were you and if I ever want to stop feeling blue I'll send my questions into if I were you