If I Were You - 7: YouTube

Episode Date: June 17, 2013

In this episode we discuss being a teenager, ducks, and whether or not you should YouTube that shit.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You're lost and confused and it's no surprise. What you need is advice from these two wise guys. If I were you, here's what I do. And email them, they'll sign it out for you on this podcast. Cute. Very cute. It's actually, it might be too cute. Yeah, rewind it. We never played it. Hey, welcome to If I Were You. The only invited post. Oh no. Holy shit. Now we really need to rewind this. Or we just turn this into an advice pasta, like I said. The only advice pasta eaten on the internet. By us. The only advice podcast on the internet. Hosted by us, Amir Bluenfeld.

And I'm Jake Hurwitz. You know what it is. I'm trying to find out who wrote that song while I'm speaking at the same time. I think her name was, oh, Julie O'Brien. Oh, I knew it. I knew it. Thanks so much to Julie O'Brien for sending in that theme song. We're trying to play a new theme song in every single episode. And so far it's worked out. Yeah. Thanks to you guys. We get submissions at our email, which is if I were you show at gmail.com. And if it's good, we'll play it at the beginning or the end of the podcast. It's true. So if this is your first time listening to this podcast, turn it off. We don't need you. If you weren't here from the beginning, then you're not worth it to us.

We are the most exclusive podcast on the internet. We have our fan base and we don't want anymore. So if you hear your friends being like, Hey, I'm just actually getting into this podcast. You'd be like, yo, no, I was into it at episode one and they don't need your support. You haven't even heard Seize the Cheese. You haven't earned it. If you don't know Seize the Cheese by now, you don't deserve to listen to this podcast. Jerks. We started from the bottom and we're still there. So how it works is we get real emails from real people about, you know, they're just sticky, difficult, conundromical situations. Con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con-dron- con

e-mail, which is, like I said before, if I were you show at gmail.com, please, if you are in any difficult situation, e-mail it in. We're having an amazing time. I check that e-mail more than my actual e-mail, because it's more entertaining. It's true. What's in my actual e-mail, my mom? I mean, your parents have been trying to get in touch with you for a very long time, actually. Yeah, I don't need it. If they can get in touch with you, they would listen to the show and then write in to if I were you show. Oh, there it is. My son won't return any of my... Okay, so let's give this person... Anonymous, make it up a name. We'll call him, uh, she's Drone B.

No, that's too obvious. Dad, Blumenfeld. Um, yeah. Did I forget to mention anything? Um, I don't think so. Well, there's a possibility that I'm also forgetting to mention something. Let's get into it, though. Yeah, let's hop right in. As always, we will never say your real name. We're going to make up a fake name to this real e-mail, and we'll call this person Homer. Homer. Homer writes,

So my girlfriend of just over a year went to Israel on a church trip and upon her return told me that she jerked off a 33-year-old Mary dude. I love her and I want to let it slide, but I don't want to seem weak. So do I end it or try to forgive and move on? Wow. She came back from Israel and was just like, just straight up told him all of the facts right away. It's very specific. It was a very specific confession. Like, hey, Homer, um, look, I jerked off a 33-year-old married guy. Holy shit. Yeah, I know. I just asked you how the hummus was and you're dropping that?

Wow, I love that he's like, I love her. Like the first part of this e-mail should, you know, you shouldn't, right? She went away, broke up your relationship and maybe a marriage. Shouldn't he let it slide? He doesn't want to seem weak. Yeah, you are weak. Don't let it slide much like my girlfriend's hand up and down the shaft of a man with a freaking wedding ring on his hand. I mean, holy shit. Was this guy even on the trip? 33-year-old married dude?

Was this married dude even on this church trip? Oh my god. By the way, all in the name of God, too. There's a level of irony here that they're on a church trip. I assume this church preaches against adultery enough to convince them to go to Israel together and then they're just like, we like the church, but at the same time, I'm going to give this guy a handy. I like this guy more than the church. Oh mercy. You never hear about a girl cheating on a guy with just a hand job.

Yeah, just a hand job. That's so clinical. I think that like, given the circumstances, you'll never be able to forget this. You will never be able to like, move on from, you know, maybe she like, she's like, oh, I hooked up with the guy on the trip. And you're like, you know what, I don't want to know anything. Just like, what's, it was in Israel, you know, you're young. This is, you went on an adventure, you know. It was a very religious spiritual place and the power of God moved you up and down his shaft.

He feels remorse. So, you know, you take her back, but she's like, you know, too many details. If you know that many details, like you're just going to be at the movies. She holds your hand. You're like, oh no, this was used to masturbate a married guy while we were together. Well, I was just there. There's a 50% chance to use the other hand. That's true.

That's true. Would you read, here's a question. Would you rather your girlfriend tell you that she made out with another guy or just jerked off? Just jerked off another guy, no kissing. What's worse? I think, well, kissing is more intimate, sort of. Yeah. It's like an exchange of fluids.

I mean, jerking somebody off is just like. But it's sexual. Right. It's just, I mean, I think it's so foul that like I'd be more mad about that. It's like, there's some kind of weird like animalistic thing. Like some dude just like got gratification from my girlfriend. Like, no, that's not fair. That's not allowed.

That's my girlfriend's hand. Yeah. Like your girlfriend, you like put up with, you know, like the highs and lows, like everything. You're there for her when she's sad. You're there for her when she's sick. You care about her hopes and dreams. And then just some married stranger on a bus gets to come in her hand. She gave him the highs and the lows.

I don't think it's fair. My advice is to break up with her and next girl that cheats on you, find out no details at all. You like want to, because I know people like people mess up and you want to like move on. But I think the way to do it is not by knowing every single detail. That's so funny to tell a guy that you jerked off a 33 year old married guy. How did you even, this girl's listening. Why did you tell him all of the details?

If he's like, you know what happened? Like you should have said it's not important. Don't be like, I jerked off this guy. Who was he? Some married dude. I didn't say that it was on a bus because I just picture it happening on a bus. Yeah, that's so weird. I also imagine a bus, but it does not mention bus at all.

That's so weird. We would love it because you, Sir Homer, you've clearly got a lot of the deets. Email us. Let us know if it was on a bus. At the very least, you know where this was. I wanted to see if I'm intuitive. Like some perverted game of clue. We want to know where this took place.

It was my girlfriend on a bus with her hand. So would you say if I were you, you would break up with this girl? Yes. Because of, you know, what if it was just squeezing, not even a jerking off motion. She just squeezed his balls. I didn't know. Yeah, that's not much. I mean, that's probably fine.

Squeeze is fine. I guess like, I don't know. Seize the squeeze. Seize the squeeze. I would like to know like what made her do it and if she might do it again. Yeah, where do you draw the line? If I were you, I would break up with her, but since I'm not you, I was the guy on the bus. Oh my God.

That's right. I'm 33 people. I'm 33 happily married and I got candies on the bus. What would you do? I know you break us. Yeah, I would break up with someone that, you know, jerks someone else off. That's just a weird thing to do in general. I think like kissing is almost like, oh man, I was like in the moment staring this person's

eyes. We're in the like in the Holy Land. He's gorgeous. But like jerking somebody off is such a like a commitment, you know, you're like, you have to grab it, make it hard. And then just like, you know, no, no, we know how he knows that, right? For those of you guys who don't know, this is advice on how to, uh, how to give someone a hand job, a good hand job.

It doesn't have to be good. Just has to cheat on your boyfriend. That's it. All right. So Homer break up with Marge. Yes. Now let's get a new question. This one, real email, real person, fake name.

We're giving the name Bart Bart, Bart writes, can anyone come up with a theme of the name for this episode right now? That's right. It's Matt Greening's family members. Um, hey, I'm a sophomore in high school and I am leaving on a really long trip. I usually shave with an electric razor, but it's broken. My dad is never home to teach me how to shave. Should I wait for him to teach me or should I just YouTube that shit?

Oh, no, oh, Bart, it's so it's protecting himself. Should I YouTube that shit? My dad's not there for me. Hey, um, my old man sort of neglects me. Should I YouTube shit? I don't know how to tie a tie. My dad promised to teach me, but he's always busy. Should I just YouTube that shit?

My dad, uh, I stood in the backyard of our house for two and a half hours just tossing a baseball into my own glove. Should I YouTube that shit? Oh my God. It's also funny because I can't imagine he grows a lot of facial hair. No, this is a big issue. It's just like, hey, my dad's going to teach me to shave. Oh, wait.

No, he's not. Maybe I'll YouTube that shit is the question. Should I YouTube this shit or wait for my dad to be there for me? Should I wait for him to teach me or should I just because he told me he was going to the store 10 years ago, uh, I haven't heard from him. So I'm starting. I'm debating whether or not to start YouTube and shit. Someone needs to teach me how to be a man and it's either going to be my father or YouTube.

Should I set my mom up on a date, you know, help her find love again? Or should I, uh, should I just YouTube that shit? His dad, his dad is off, uh, getting a hand job in Israel on a bus right now. His dad is 33. Um, Jesus, what's the advice? I guess YouTube this shit. Daddy's not coming home. But more than anything, I'm sorry about your relationship with your father.

Hey, I don't even know if I'll ever have a good, uh, good father figure in my life. I don't even have an older brother. So should I, uh, yeah, who's going to teach me how to be a better person or, uh, should I YouTube that shit? I want to treat women right and sort of, you know, be the man of a house. But, uh, I don't know. My dad kind of sucks cause he's never around. I'm starting to think I should just YouTube shit.

All right. I found some shit on YouTube and I think, uh, I think I'm ready to be the dad. My dad never was to me. There should be a sad YouTube channel that's like, daddy's not here. It's just, just all the things like, you know, had a hammer and nail, everything your dad's supposed to teach you. My dad never taught me that. Did you YouTube that shit?

I YouTube that shit. Thank God. I guess another one of your options is to just buy a new electric razor, right? No, it's going on a long trip. I mean, I feel like there are definitely like undertones in this question that we don't need to talk to him about shaving. Right? Uh, look, you, your dad is, he's a busy guy.

I'm sorry that he's not teaching you how to shave, uh, YouTube the shit. You know what? You, you're going to be your own man. YouTube sends this kid like a football in the mill on his birthday cause his dad was never there. So what's the advice? The advice is buy a new razor, then YouTube that shit. Yeah.

My advice is to always YouTube that shit. YouTube that shit. Uh, mercy. You do you. See, if you, this is your first time listening. You just don't get those kind of do you then, then turn this shit off right now. Then don't do me a favor and just turn it off. Thank you.

Thank you. Goodbye. All right. Um, we asked a couple of weeks ago for people to submit questions, not only via email, which have been coming in and been doing great, but also if you could record it, that would be even extra great because then we can hear the person's voice and it would just add another dimension to the question itself. Yeah.

It's almost like we're taking a live call. That's right. Which is inching us closer to our goal of having a live radio call in show. This one comes from a teenager named Lisa. We really like this question. So we want it to play it. Here you go. This is Lisa.

Hi, Jake and Amir. Um, I am, well, you can call it whatever you want, but, um, I am a teenager living in Washington, DC. And basically my problem is that I'm pretty unsocial. I'm pretty unpopular and most of the time I just don't have interest in talking to people and I don't really have a ton of friends outside of my little group. I don't really hang out with anyone after school, which I feel like is something that's part of being a teenager or something.

I don't know. So basically I was just wondering if you guys had any tips for like just in general, just being more social and how would you recommend going about this with your experience being a teenager since I'm kind of stuck in the middle of that. Thank you. Oh my God. Doesn't that just break your freaking heart? Lisa, I'll be your best friend.

Holy shit. You're adorable. Lisa sounds like the coolest teenager I know. Yeah. She is so mature and awesome. She does have a small group of friends, which is great. Yeah. Why don't you hang out with those girls and guys after school, you know?

The thing is you're lost right now. You don't know what to do. But just the fact that you're aware enough to say that, oh, you're unsociable and, oh, you don't know how a teenager is supposed to act, like that means that already puts you in the top 1% of cool teenagers. Right. Most teenagers right now. Yeah.

Most teenagers right now would never even know how to, you know, do any of this stuff that you just did. So you're already much cooler than a bunch of the people that you're afraid to talk to. But you shouldn't be afraid to talk to them. That's correct. Because you know what? They won't accept you. No.

No, no, no, no. Oh, right. Right. You know, you, it's so easy to like, there's, I just remember when I was in high school, like I would do the same exact thing. I'd come home after school. I'd be like, well, nobody wants to hang out with me. But that's, that's not true.

So many kids in your high school right now are at home being like, I wish I was doing something after school today. Right. So you have, you know, that in common, that's like the most important thing, the desire to meet people, be friends and have fun. That's right. And you know, it's hard to like hear that like, oh, it'll be better when you get older, because you know, you want to fix this problem now.

But like the fact that you, I mean, you sound like such a cool teenage lady already that maybe there's other cool teenage ladies that you haven't even tried to talk to yet because you're afraid. But maybe if you just took that effort or took that small little risk, you can find someone that you do want to hang out with. And you know, it doesn't take a lot of people. Like you can have a group of like two or three friends that you're really close with. And that's, that sort of will get you.

Yeah. That's all you need. You only need one. Shoot. Yeah. Forget two. Two is like, you have too many. Then you have to decide who do I hang out with?

Then next week you're going to be emailing us and being like, hey, I have too many friends. How do I drop this loser? And then we'll be like, oh wait, Lisa's kind of mean. Why did we give her advice? But if we can help at all, like, I don't know if me and Jake are at all known around your school or anything like that. But like, if you need like a video from us or like a picture from us telling you anything. We will say, we'll say we're your cousins, you know, just to be like, oh, I know these

guys. They're my cousins. Yeah. We wouldn't even say cousins. We'll say like your best friends because cousins are like, you know, you're like forced to be your cousin. We're going to be like, Lisa, yeah, that's our girl. She's the coolest girl that I know you should hang out with her too.

And you know what? We won't even be lying. That's right. Because as of right now, you are the coolest teenager we know. So how does that sound, Lisa? So email us this email us again. And if you have any favors we could possibly do, we will totally help you out. Thanks for because you know what?

You wrote the first or you recorded the first audio question for a pretty cool podcast. So yeah, now let's build us up. Yeah. Lisa, you're cool and all, but we're the best. And I mean, how cool is it that me and Amir are giving you validation right now? Because I mean, you're pretty neat, but obviously, where the shit? You're lucky we don't go to your high school because then you wouldn't be the coolest team there.

So in summation, Lisa, we love you and we can help you out just even more if you want to email us. We'll do literally whatever you want. We'll come to your high school. We're your biggest fans. Yeah, exactly. We'll come to your high school and give you a piggyback ride to every single class. We get arrested.

We're even saying that there's a knock at the door right now. Holy shit. Are you kidding me? Officer? We were doing something. Oh, three strike rule. You've you've offered too many piggybacks to teenagers, Mr. Blumenthal. Captain, I don't even know how to throw this guy in jail.

You want to tell me or should I YouTube that shit? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule.

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That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. Years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website.

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. All right, let's move on to the next question. This one is from Millhouse. Hey, I'm Aaron Jake. By the way, just a quick reminder, the email again is if I were you show at gmail.com. This is in the body of his email actually. Yeah, he's really helpful.

All right, so Millhouse writes, I was asked to be a groomsman for a guy I wouldn't even consider being close friends with him and I have probably interacted enough to be considered acquaintances. So believe me when I say I was caught off guard. I'm honored, but I don't feel like I'd be his best choice. I've been a groomsman before for my best friend and was ready to take on the role. But I don't feel the same way with this guy. What's the best way to turn him down?

Oh my God, that's so sad. There's nothing sadder than asking a guy you don't really know to be your groomsman. Yeah, like you just, oh my God. And you want to like, let's come over and let's get a beer sometime, you know, whatever. And like if you want to be, do you want to stand beside me, beside me at my wedding? Uh, oh, wait, sorry. I wouldn't even get a beer with you. What did you say?

I was going to say no to the beer. Now you're, yeah, I guess I'll come to your wedding. That's weird that you're even invited. Well, not come to the wedding. It's be in the wedding party. I want you there when I commit to my soulmate for eternity. Yeah. Jesus.

It's actually really important to me. Me? You want? Okay. By the way, what's your last name? I'm just a very good acquaintance of yours. It's so weird. I like this poor, the poor groom just doesn't have any, any real friends at all.

Well, he's getting married. So he's got one. Yeah. Imagine he's like talking to his wife and he's like, hey, uh, she's like, all right, I have like, I have a lot of really good friends. I have like five to six bridesmaids. Oh, no problem. Yeah.

No, I'm like really popular. So I got, shoot. Well, like say who's like, who's going to be your like best man? Okay. Um, my brother. Yeah. Okay. And then like, who's going to be like the groom's man?

Okay. Um, well, I, well, I know this guy from work, uh, Roger, you know, his name is Milhouse. So I might ask him, wait, what do you mean you like know him from work? Like your boys, like your best friend, like I just, I've seen him a couple of times at work and I think he's chill. Okay. Yeah. So, uh, so that's two right off the bat and I'll, I'll like rack my brain.

I'm going to storm some brain and come up with a few more. And if you want to like drop one of your bridesmaids, that'd actually be dope. Yeah. Cause then at, then at that point I can pick one up and call her one of my groom's men. Cause honestly, I think Milhouse is going to give me the big N.O. I think you can say no to something like this, but also what does a groom's man have to do at a wedding? Nothing.

It's best man that like plans stuff and like gives a speech and all that. Yeah. But it's just weird to be part of it. Like standing up, being part of a wedding, then you're, you're like, you're, you're, you know, your acquaintances, wife's parents are like shaking your hands like, how am I involved in this? This is some sort of bad dream, I think like you're standing up there. You walk down the aisle with one of, one of the brides cousins or sisters or friends.

That's pretty insane. It's pretty intense. Should I like make new best friends or, uh, you're at table one. You don't know that guy. You're at table one. You don't, you barely know that guy and everybody else, you know, even less. It's like, if he's your acquaintance, you definitely haven't met his family. Oh no.

Man, I could, you could, um, what I mean, say you can't go to the wedding or do you want, you want, you're trying to go to the wedding. No, he said, what's the best way to turn him down? Like entirely. He doesn't even want to go to the wedding. Yeah. Say you're busy. Oh, that's good.

But what if it's like, the wedding's like August 23rd, uh, 2014. What do you have then, dude? Oh, what? I thought you said August 22nd. I'm in. How do you know my schedule where casual acquaintances lay off me? I said no. Yeah.

Geez. I don't know. It's weird cause like being honest and being like, uh, you know, I just don't know you that well. I think I feel kind of weird. I think it's weird. Then you'll always be like, then you like, you're not acquaintances anymore. Then you're just like, you're, you won't be friends.

But that's fine. Probably too. Right? Yeah. This guy clearly doesn't give a crap about his close acquaintance. I'm trying to think of like an acquaintance of mine. If they were like, will you, I would probably, if I were you, I'd probably think it was so funny that I would do it.

Right. Who do you think the equivalent for you would be? An acquaintance? An acquaintance that you'd be like, what? You want me to be in your wedding party? Um, well, I don't want, I feel like, I feel kind of bad naming somebody allowed right now that I considered an acquaintance and they're just listening like, what the fuck? They're close enough that they're listening to this podcast.

Yeah. I think, uh, probably like, geez, my, my buddy's roommate Hank, Hank's just listening, um, sorry, we hang out a lot. I would call you a friend. Really? In fact, I'd call you my best friend and my best man. Will you marry me? I don't know how to get gay married, but, uh, perhaps we can YouTube that shit together

for all of eternity. YouTube that shit. YouTube that shit is the new C's, the G's. Um, yeah. So I guess the best way to say, oh, here's a good one. A lot of weddings fall on the same days because there's only so many Saturdays in the summer during the year. So easily you could say my cousin, my brother, my uncle, my closer friend.

I actually have a closer friend than you. If you can imagine that sir, uh, and we're getting, and he's getting married. So, you know, I guess unfortunately I won't be able to attend yours. Yeah. I bet he, I wonder if he's that her. I feel like if he's getting to acquaintances, maybe he's just like, I already asked a lot of people. They've all seen, he's gotten 10 nos.

It's between, uh, you being a groomsman, and I guess me killing myself because I have no friends. Geez, that's a lot of pleasure. I'm just trying to get married so I can get a hand job on a bus in Israel. That's, I heard that's how you get chicks. Why is a married guy accepting just like a hand job? Is it, aren't you, if you're 33, isn't a hand job just like getting, so I'm going backwards. It's like I'm so, I have not thought about anything else aside from, from a married

peen as being stroked by, what I can only imagine is a teenager. Why? Cause she's like going to Israel on some church trip and the kid is like, do I break up with a girl? I feel like if he was any older, you know, no, obviously you do, but that happens. Like when you're younger, like when shit happens in your relationship, you're like, do I, I don't know, this is like my fucking first relationship. Does this mean we break up?

Right. Like when I was in high school, it was like, oh, we fought. That means, uh, I think that means we're going to break up now. Is that a breakup thing? I don't know how it works. I should kiss somebody. Is that breakup worthy? You don't know.

And then you kind of, you kind of decide what your, what your threshold is as you get older. I draw the line right before Jango on a bus. Right. Well, he's got to come, but yeah, I'm with you. So yeah, a lot of this, a lot of the grooms, a lot of the groom get out of the wedding. That's what I would do. That's it. I feel bad for this groom though, asking a goddamn acquaintance.

It's funny how like we're going back like with, uh, with Lisa, right? Yeah. Lisa, we were like, yeah, we're going to get you friends. You're the best. You're so cool. And this groom is like, I need friends to be my, my, my groomsmen. And we're like, yo, lie to him, get out of that shit. He's a loser.

What do we, who are we? We're nothing. It's just, we just decide who's good and bad. But when you're a teenager, it's okay to be, you know, lost, confused, alone, not knowing quite how the world works yet. It's completely normal. You're getting married. You're supposed to get it.

Yeah. By the time you're married, you're past that age. You should have friends by now. And if you don't, don't ask acquaintance. Don't put people into that. Geez. Just a little pressure. You selfish ass.

That's funny. He's trying to get his wife to a low. He's trying to like bail it out. They get really romantic. Let's just get away. Just us. Oh yeah. But all my friends and all your friends, I know our friends, right?

All of our friends, but wouldn't it be romantic to, uh, just freaking get away. In fact, do me, let's, let's make this weird sexy pact where we just don't have any friends ever again. Let's do it tonight. Let's just get married. I don't need, I don't need a wedding. I just need fucking the courthouse and you, shit. Won't Milhouse be offended?

I mean, he's your best friend, isn't he? He'll understand. I really think he will. I bet in his weird twisted brain, he thinks we've probably only interacted enough to be considered acquaintances or some shit. I don't know. I know Milhouse. Milhouse is dumb like that.

I bet it caught him off guard and actually hate Milhouse. Forget him. He's never going to be a Grusman. Let's alope. Oh, mercy. Poor guy. Yeah. Seriously though, Lisa, email us.

We want to help. Um, all right, let's get to, let's try to squeeze in one last question. This one's a funny question. May not have a lot of funny advice, but I just wanted to read it. Uh, title, hashtag mallard problems. So you know it's good, right off the bat. Uh, we'll call this guy Gil. Dear Meir and Jake, I was hanging out with my friend in the park.

We were playing frisbee and generally having a good time. Suddenly, a small brace of ducks walked out of the woods and into the clearing we were in. My friend took off in a sprint after the poor birds and chased them until he had narrowed down one. After about 20 minutes of chasing the duck, it was too tired to run anymore. It eventually collapsed onto the ground and upon further investigation, he had died. I don't know if he had a heart attack or something, but it was dead.

We left the lifeless mallard in the field and went home right away. It's been a few days and he keeps bringing up the duck. Kids in school now think we're both duck killers, but I don't even like to think about it. If it goes on like this, I don't know what I'll do. What should I do to feel better about this situation without looking like a quack? This is amazing. I just love that. I think he said mallards, ducks, birds, so much duck language.

Abrasive ducks. I meant to look that up to see if that's even the correct nomenclature. No murder, crows, pride of lions, or abrasive ducks, I guess. It's actually more clear to me now than ever that the person who wrote this is a duck or a dog. I chased a duck until he died. I love a dog feeling guilty about it. I'm a proud golden retriever and I accidentally exhausted a duck to death.

I'm the dog from Duck Hunt and I accidentally ... Shit. I guess part of me wants to scold you for killing a duck and the other part of me, I guess, wants to tell you it sounds like it wasn't a totally healthy duck. Maybe it was near death anyway. I feel like this is how vegans hunt. They're not allowed to kill an animal. This duck died of somewhat natural causes.

I can eat it now. That's what imitation duck is at vegan restaurants. It's just a duck that was killed by chasing it to a heart attack. Because the duck really enjoyed the chase. It died happy. That's the most expensive duck on a really fancy menu. A mallard. So we have a small brace of duck that was murdered by exhausting it to death and that's served

over field greens. The adrenaline is still coursing through its veins, sir. It makes it very tender. That's very like chucking a five hour energy actually. We also had a cow that killed itself when we showed them photos of other cows being eaten by humans. So that's $500 a plate. A cow that died by its own hand.

Just really expensive meat that was killed. This is not natural causes because you brought it onto the cow. You did. You tricked it into doing that. What do I do to feel better about the situation? I guess you can say that, hey, millions of ducks are killed every year for food and those were done on purpose. Who are these people picking on me?

Ask every single one of them if they're a vegetarian. If they have ever eaten meat, then what they're doing is worse than what you did. There you go. That's a good way to stare the duck in the eyes as it died. That's a lifeless beak. The lifeless mallard. It's like a really boring episode of Looney Tunes where Bugs just chases Daffy until it dies of a heart attack.

My heart exploded. Suffering suckatash. Is that Daffy? I think so. Suffering suckatash. That's Daffy, right? E-mail us in. Let us know.

Suffering suckatash. That's Daffy. I didn't realize that. Actually, the duck on the menu is served with suffering suckatash, so it ends up working out. Wow. Great emails. Great questions.

Keep them coming, guys. Amazing answers. More than anything else, we're the best, and you guys are the worst. It's going to turn into some weird cult. All right, signing off. This is God. Worship us. Kanye West hosting a podcast.

Hashtag Jesus. We are out of time. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening. Every week, our episode gets more listens than the one before it, which means you guys are doing an awesome job of enjoying the show and also telling your friends to enjoy it, and we appreciate it so, so, so much. Without you guys, there wouldn't even be a show. Honestly, if only 10,000 people listened to every episode, I would have quit long, long

ago. Without you guys, there wouldn't be a show, but also without us, there wouldn't be a show. Yes, more specifically, without us. It's 50-50. Don't get a big head about it. 50-50 between me and Jake, and then, so that's 98% of the pie. Without us, there's no show, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anybody can listen to a podcast, but it takes like two heroes to come out of the word works and buy a microphone to record one. Yeah. I wouldn't say heroes, I'd say gods, because heroes are mortal. And we are, I don't know, not immortal, what's beyond that, because immortal implies that you're a thing. What's gonna live forever and also have always lived forever?

Thank you, thank you for listening, and thank you for emailing in, and we're gonna end the show with another theme song that was submitted, and this one comes from, da, da, da, da, da, Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. You guys have ever heard the extended version of that song? Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. It's nine hours of horn. Nine hours of horn, and then, like, 30 seconds of you crying right before you give up. I'll never find this email.

You know what? Found it. I was really about to go up on a, on a very, very mean tangent. So I'm happy you interrupted. I am gonna still go on it, so just give me two seconds. Jesus. This one is from the Super Mercado Brothers. Thanks for listening, everyone.

If I were you. If there's a problem that you can't solve, Jake and Amir will gladly resolve. You do you and I'll do me. What do you expect? The show's for free. See the cheese.