If I Were You - 70: One Word Texts

Episode Date: March 31, 2014

In this episode we discuss text messages, breaking up, and great ideas.This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com -- The best way to discover new music, and get paid for uploading your own! Check out www.ourtunez.com/ifiwereyou and use promo code "Jake" or "Amir" for FREE six month premium membership.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I'll show you what to do, but if you were me, you would be free. What? If you were me, you would be free. That's beautiful, but also a little self-aggrandizing. If I were you, I'd show you what to do, and if you were me, you'd be free. Yeah. That guy has a high opinion of himself, and I guess who wouldn't, because he can play the guitar like an angel. That guy's name is Simon.

Simon. And he's from Denmark. Oh, alright. Yeah. He is free. I just wanted to really quickly ask for more theme songs submissions. We're running low. So if you could write your own theme song, we start every episode with a new theme song.

If you could write one as well as Simon can, please, please, please. Dig and re-blog. Dig and re-blog, re-tweet favorite. We need it all. Also send it to us as an MP3. I think it's most important. Yeah, and if I were you, show at gmail.com. If you could play music that well, would you, like, is, hmm, how am I trying to say this?

Could you use it to get girls? Yeah. But if you were, you don't do a concert, what would you do? Like invite girls over and play music for them, or is that cheesy? Well, it kind of depends. Like, I, this was me. I, like, when I was in high school and college, I couldn't even play the guitar that good, but it was like, even doing it at all worked.

All right, but let's say, let's say now, would you do that? Would you pull that out? Or is that considered cheesy? In a different way, I would laugh at myself and be like, look, I know, I know the, I know all the chords to crash. Right. And so I'd like play it as a joke, but it's still a little impressive that I can play crash. And if you had a great voice, it'd be like, oh, wow, you're actually pretty good.

Well, that's, I don't have a great voice, so that's tough. So I can only sell things as a joke. Right. But I think if you sell something as a joke and then you also have a great voice, then that's pretty good. Right. So you just have to, you have to start it off as a joke. Right. It's always got to be a joke.

Right. If you like really earnestly pick up the guitar and you're like, this is, I'm just going to play this little ditty for you. Everybody is like, no, don't do that. But like everybody wants to laugh and then be impressed. Laughing is like the gateway. Yeah. Like, oh, look, I know this Green Day song. Oh man, I was such an angsty teen.

Here's one I made up. Well, that's the problem with most talents. It seems douchey to whip them out. Right. You almost, I think if you're not a musician, you have to like, you have to be basically begged to play the guitar. Yeah. Maybe that's like the game is like, if you're with other people, they have to quote unquote, beg you to do it in front of like people that you're trying to oppress.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the thing. So you get your friends that beg you to be talented in front of the people you're trying to oppress. That's it. That's the move. That's the ticket. That's the trick.

I'm going to give you an advice before we actually start the show. This podcast is called If I Were You. It's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. Um. Um. Um.

Summa Lama Dumma Lama. That's the thing that I'm sort of learning how to do and I can never do it. I will never do that. The fast-forward rap go? Yeah. You can do that. I can do it, but I wouldn't do it. Summa Lama Dumma Lama.

Like, I wouldn't do it at a party to impress people. Oh, I see. But that's something I would beg you to do at a party to impress people. Yeah. But even then, I would feel bad to do it. I think even if you nailed it, it wouldn't necessarily be impressive. I need to say that. All right.

Because it's like not, it's not something that I wrote. Yeah. You know, it would have to be like, it would have to be at a party, someone's playing it, everyone's really drunk, and I'm rapping along with it. Yeah, yeah. And then it'd be like, wow, that was humorously good, I guess. That's true. So how does this podcast work?

It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's. Speeding you up. It's aight podcast. So basically the way it works is we get went down. We get emails from people, real people, who are in real difficult places in their lives and they look to us for guidance. That email address, if you find yourself in a sticky situation. Once again, same email address for the theme song, as if I were you show at gmail.com.

for the theme song is If I Were You Show at gmail.com. So, hmm, I don't know, should we get started? Without further a poo, let's get started. Thank you, come again. No, a poo. Oh, a poo. Yeah, a boo's from Aladdin. All right, either way.

All right, so let's give these real emails. For real people, fake names to preserve their anonymity, we will never disclose your real name. That's right. But we do want your emails. So what theme, what should we call this person? Oh, this is, we had a theme. The theme this week is places our friend Mike Carnell

is traveling to. Oh yeah, he's doing a web series called Don't Kill Eli, where people basically vote on where to send this guy Eli and Carnell shoots and edits all the footage and turns them into cool episodes. They've been to three places so far, so check out Don't Kill Eli on YouTube.com. They'll tell you where they've been by naming the cities.

All right. Mikey K, going to Beirut, Beirut writes, what up, you diva roaches? Here's a sticky wicket I found myself in. Recently, I've started seeing this girl. I don't think I need to tell you guys, but I will reassure you she is a goddamn smoke show. Here's the catch.

After multiple dates, lots of smooches, and lots of adult sleepovers, she drops the bomb on me that she's still in a relationship with her long distance boyfriend. She's not moving to where he lives. He's not moving to where we live, but she still wants to make it work. There's since been adult sleepovers and dates,

but the smooches have started to crawl to a stop. Guys, what should I do? Wait it out? I feel like waiting it out. Sign Beirut. He started to advise himself at the end. Of course, you feel like waiting it out, because in your mind, it's gonna happen.

Right, I feel like waiting it out. Before, let me temper your advice with what I, this is what I want to hear. Yeah. Please give me that. This is another way to rephrase your question, Beirut, just so you understand how stupid it is. Oof.

Hey guys, I'm seeing this girl. She has a boyfriend and won't kiss me. Should I wait it out? I feel like I should wait it out. He said these smooches slowed to a halt. Yeah. There were smooches? There were smooches.

There were smooches and adult sleepovers, which I thought were more extreme smoochery, but now there's just the adult sleepovers and no smoochery. So yeah, I thought adult sleepovers was fucking. Yeah, I guess this is not quite an adult. What if adult sleepovers is fucking and smooches are just sort of like PDA? Oh.

And he's like, well, now the PDA has stopped, but we're still fucking. So we're not kissing, but we're fucking. I don't know in which way, like honestly, what I want to do is advise the girl to stop what she's doing. Yeah. Yeah, well, she's totally wrong.

She's basically cheating on this guy. Right. That's an objective case. I'm worried about advising this guy. All right, fine. I'll tell, I would say to Beirut to just remove yourself from the situation. Yeah, you don't want to be part

of this love Bermuda triangle. Yeah. You think he's actually boning this girl without kissing her? You've never boned someone with that never kissing him? Yeah. But like you've boned them before or for the first and only time you've boned and never kissed?

Um, I'm sure I've done that. You sure you've done, you went to boning without kissing? Boned or zero to bone with no kissing? You went around the bases without touching any of them? I'm sure that happened at least once. That's tight, dude. Yeah. That's really fast.

Yeah, that's just kind of how I chilled, you know what I'm saying? No. I actually, now that I think of them, motherfucker, I ain't never kissed a girl. What are you talking about? Yeah, dude, zero to boning every single time. And yo, doubling back, I ain't never had sex me ever.

So? So yeah. So what happened? So seventh grade, eighth grade, I once touched a nipple. Ninth grade I did over the pants, sort of like rubbing a grill area. After that, it was a dry spell from 16 on. So don't call it a, you're currently in the spell.

Don't call it a dry spell. A spell that sort of connotes a short amount of time, right? Yeah, for a spell. At least a finite. Well, this spell sort of connotes a curse. Wow, it's either a dry spell or a dry curse. It's a dry season like the Dust Bowl, and I am a migrant farm worker who can't find any poon.

It is a dry life, not a dry spell. Where were we? Advising Beirut. Yeah. Mr. Root, first of all. You don't want to be the other guy. Second of all, she's not even giving you kissings anymore at this point.

So what if she's just holding you emotionally hostage while she doesn't cheat on her boyfriend anymore, and then? Waiting it out really literally means nothing in this situation. Should I wait it out? Like you're not doing anything. Yeah, like. Even if you're home eating macaroni and cheese,

that's technically waiting it out, because it's not like she's hooking up with you. At least sleeping your own bed. Yeah, I feel like the only way to get over her is by finding somebody else, which you should actively be searching for. Yeah. Once you find someone else that doesn't have a boyfriend,

you're gonna be like, holy shit. This is way better. This is so much better. And also the only way to like, you can't give this girl exactly what she wants right now. She has like a boyfriend that she feels like a loving relationship with. Even though they will never be in the same city together.

Right, but she gets to be like, oh, I'm connected to this person, we're in love. Yeah. But then she's like missing some sort of physical contact, which you're giving her. Like you can't do that, she doesn't get to do that. She doesn't get to have like. So she's using him.

She's like. Yeah, she wants to like sleep next to someone. Oh, shit. That's not okay. So she's just using him for the physical affection, using her boyfriend for the emotional affection. Why on earth would you like a vixen temptress whore? Like this.

Beirut? Beirut, you've fallen for a whore by accident. Oh no. Oh no, Beirut. She set a trap for you and you walked right into it. Sorry, buddy. You fell down a whore. You can escape the trap.

It's time to bounce. Peace out. So you later forget that shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, peace. You know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha. Very cool. Thanks, man.

Anything else left to say about that one? I don't think so. I think we both agree that he's got, there's no waiting it out as much as he wants to. He's got a peace. It's funny that when you're in it though, you have no fricking clue, right? Yeah, you never do.

You don't get it. I totally, I totally feel that. That's why the show's called If I Were You and we get to advise people as if we were in this situation except without being emotionally involved. So, that's why our advice is good. Yeah, because we're, we're, we're distanced. We've distanced ourselves.

That and because we're smart. Yeah. I'm intelligent. And I am one too because otherwise, why would you hang out with me? Yeah, yeah, why'd you hang out with me? Your sense of value is tied to whether or not I like you. Oh no.

Oh shit. We're two anchors floating in the middle of the ocean, not tied to anything. Sinking fast. All right, next question. Next city. Where was the next place that Mikey went? Lebanon?

Yes, I believe so. Well, you guys should watch the show to find out. Wait a minute, Beirut's in Lebanon. Oh shit. You idiot. It was Lebanon, then, then, then, then, then. Palestine? Oh, Egypt.

Egypt, no. Petra. Oh, he went to Jordan. Jordan. Oh, it's just actually a person's name. Perfect. All right, that was, I'm glad we got there. And I'm glad Mike got there, safe and sound.

Yeah. Jordan. Love you, Mikey K. Jordan, Jordan writes, it's a dude. Sup, my nerds. I've been dating this girl in college for almost a year now. We are like best friends and the girl is a smoke show. A lot of our fans just all exclusively hook up

and date smoke shows. Well, I think that's great. I like that, I like that these girls are smoke shows because I would hate if we cultivated an atmosphere where people were writing in and be like, and like you said, this girl's a zero out of 10. All right, so I've been dating this girl for a long time.

She's beautiful, great. In college for almost a year now, we are like best friends and the girl is a smoke show. However, we don't agree on anything. We fight constantly. She is an extremely negative person and it seems as though the sex life has gone drastically downhill.

I was planning on breaking up with her once we got out of school for the summer to see if things got better. The problem is we share a lot of mutual friends who all happen to be the same girl, who all happen to be girls, so I am afraid that I will lose all of them to her. Also, her dad is helping me get a marketing internship

for this summer. I don't feel right about working for him and breaking up with his daughter too. If you were me, when would you break up with this girl? How should I do it seeing as though she is really clingy and probably won't see this coming? Please help. Best Jordan.

Oh, Jordan. Ooh, sticky. Sticky, sitch for sure. Difficult sitch for sure. The rare pass for Jordan. Really? Yeah. Let's see what's up.

The old gong. Yeah, gong show. We don't envy you. This smoke show was a gong show. Well, this happens a lot. You're able to get someone who's super attractive and you are just loving life until the physical attraction starts to slip away

because you get used to seeing this smoke show. She gets used to fucking you and then you guys stop being physically into each other. And now all that's left is this personality that you don't get along with that you find negative. You don't agree on anything and you fight constantly. Yeah. So you decided to break up.

Why don't you reread your email and realize that you didn't say one positive thing about your girlfriend except that she was hot and that her dad gave you a marketing internship. Not a job. All right. So if that makes you feel shitty, then you should get out of the situation.

Right. You know, like you mutual friends, you can't stay with someone because you like their friends and you like your friends. Just like, be yourself, do what you want to do. Trust that the universe will still give you friends, especially these people are gonna respect that you like did the hard thing.

You were like, hey, you know what? I'm not invested in this relationship anymore. I'm gonna peace out. Tell your dad, thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to go into marketing anymore. Yeah, that's fine. You might have to take a knee on the internship, which as it turns out is free, unpaid,

three months of labor. So that might be a bullet you dodge too. You can get another internship. Also, breaking up with her for the summer is fine because like the mutual friends aren't gonna come into play that much. You know, you're gonna be away from them anyway. You'll be back home if you're leaving college.

Suddenly it's more clear to us now than ever. You should and will break up with this girl as soon as possible. Yeah, don't drag it out. Just do it now. Once you decide to break up with someone, that's the hardest part of the relationship. And that's like the dead zone.

And that can last very, very long. Like once you've already made the decision, but can't bring yourself to do it, like that's the part where it's just bad, where it's like, what's wrong? Oh, nothing, I'm gonna get better. I just feel weird. Yeah, just get out as soon as you make that decision.

And then, well, there's like making the decision mentally and then actually deciding to do it. And then you're like, oh, shit, when should I do it? Oh, okay, I'm not gonna do it this week because it's bad timing this week. So I'll do it next week. And then like, how long have you been feeling like this? Oh my God.

And then they'll start crying. You're like, I'll tell you anything you want to hear if you'll stop crying. I love you. Let's give it another shot. Let's do it. I'm gonna marry you. You're the best.

I fucked up. I want the marketing internship. Why would I be a marketing strategist? I swear to fucking God, Mr. Jordan, I am your son-in-law. Oh, that's why he has the same last name? Yeah, Jordan Jordan. Oh, so his name is Jordan and he's dating a girl. Oh, he's dating a girl.

His last name is Jordan. Yes. Yeah, so he wants to make her. No, no, no, he's gonna take her last name and change his name to Jordan. I use Jordan because that's the only name we've been using. I'd appreciate not to be put on blast because I remember the fucking name that was used.

I wanna, this is insane. This is crazy. You're crazy. All right, another case of a smoke show to be broke showed. That's true, it's too bad. Hey, there's two, that being said, there's two more broke smoke shows in the universe. Well, one, it still has a boyfriend that lives far away.

The other one's kind of too heartbroken to do anything right now, but there are two douchebags that are on the market again. This guy? Beirut and Jordan. Well, this guy's not really a douchebag. I don't think Beirut was either. I'm just chilling.

I'm just like, dude, I'm fucking around with this podcast. That can make a joke, right? I know, right? I'm not talking. You can make a joke, can't I? Yeah, you've been making jokes this whole episode. Let's go on to the next question. Why are you mad?

I'm not mad, I'm laughing. I know, but you're laughing in a mad way. No, I'm laughing in a mad way. I think it's funny how annoying you are. What? I think it's funny how you don't get me. Doesn't sound like you think it's funny. It sounds like you're laughing, but you're pissed.

It's funny. I think it's comical that after eight years, you still don't know what I'm kidding. Holy shit. It's like you don't have a good sense of humor. No, no. You piece of shit. Laughing anger.

Oh my god. I'm not mad. I'm just like, in disbelief. You're protecting yourself against an argument. Clearly I'm not mad because I'm making this noise. I like how you don't trust me. Do you like it? I think you might hate it.

You say you like it, but it sounds sarcastic when you say it. Man, we're just fucking blowing through this shit. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. Slash, if I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional, licensed help.

And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com, slash, if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow! For years and years and years,

we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you wanna sell stuff online,

you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy Amir Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today

and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. Maybe you wanna give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash, if I were you for a free trial

and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code, if I were you, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash, if I were you, free trial, everything looks good, let's launch it. Just use that offer code, if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace.

Oh, all right. Should we get to the third question? Yeah, sure. All right, this one's good. Oh, we need another place. Come to think of it, you couldn't think of the second place. No, I know he was going to Tunisia. Okay, oh, that's a good name.

Tunisia. Tunisia. I believe he was going to Tunisia. Tunisia. We're voting for so many different places at the end, I still really, I can't remember which one is the answer. Mikey, I love you, I'm watching the show. I just, all these places are mishmashed in my brain, I can't keep track of them.

I'm just worried sick about you, that's all. All right, Tunisia writes, hey guys, I have a very unspecific and comprehensive question for you, specifically Jake. How do you respond to one word texts? Conversations that end in sweet or nice or worse yet, smiley face. I never quite know how to keep the ball rolling

from such a point and feel stupid when I like the person and wish to continue the conversation but don't quite know how. Any advice would be appreciated, love Tunisia. Tunisia. So this is another question about your texting prowess. Until we build that website where you can offer your advice to anybody who is willing to pay a small fee

for it, we're gonna ex, try Exorbitant. Try a hundred dollars a text. Try Exorbitant, buddy, you pay for expertise. Yeah. When you go to the doctor, you don't give him five bucks. But guess what, dude, I'll do the text for free if I get to fuck the check. Oh, suddenly I'm a prostitute.

Yeah. It's over there. I'm exchanging goods. It's over you because you're the one that programmed the website. Oh no, how did I program it? I don't know anything. Take a walk, man.

What? I gotta answer this question. You don't need to be here. I'd like to at least hear what you have to say. You don't need to be here for this. I wanna know the answer, dude. I wanna know the answer. All right, all right, buddy.

You wrote this question. Yeah, I'm Tunisia. Tunisia. Tunisia. So how do you respond to one word text? How do you keep the conversation going when someone says sweet, period, or nice, period? You know what?

I genuinely, this is the first Atta Boy that I'm gonna give you on the show. Me? Yeah. First Atta Boy. Wow. I do feel, I do feel it's, I think you've been on your game since around the summer.

Is that end of the summer? Yeah, end of the summer. And I think, you know, I saw, I got you on Tinder. Yeah. We got you out at some bars, we got you meeting girls, we got you texting. And I think I will submit that you are, you're nearing my level.

Wow. Yeah. You really think so. I'll show you a text from time to time when I've gotta send a text. And? Won't I? Won't I run some by you sometimes?

No, but I'd love for that to happen. I do think that you are close to my caliber. If I do say so myself. If I do say so myself. If I do say so myself. Yeah. Like Mike. So, are you asking me what I would do?

Yes. All right. Well, okay. Here's the thing. And just so you know, there is a right and wrong answer. Okay. Okay. Here we go.

And just so you know further. Yes. I will be grading you. Yeah, this will be graded. This will count towards the final grade. This is if I can work for your website right here. Yes. Well, this is what I would do if I were you.

When I hear, or when I read sweet period or nice period, I don't keep the conversation going. I take that as a hint that the girl wants to be left alone. And I always think it's better to not send the last text. The end. Thoughts. Amir Blumenthal, congratulations. You are correct.

Congratulations. Yes. You are correct. I fucking knew it. You gotta put them on ice, man. You gotta ice them a little bit from time to time. You know what I'm saying? So.

You gotta keep that conversation cold. You gotta be cool, baby. All right. So here's, that is true. If you're, if you're, she's going to send you an emoji. If she's going to say nice period or sweet period, you know, cut it, you're out. She sent the last thing.

You're done. She is like, why didn't he respond? He usually responds. And then she'll send something maybe a little later. That's a great, that's a great feeling is the ice. And then you fucking wait, you wait and wait and wait. And when you get that second text back, that second bullet, that means you've won.

You've, you've defeated her in this game of text chicken almost who can ice the other person out for long. That's true. And you know what? Sometimes you lose. And you don't get another text ever again. And it's not because of lack of time again. I would, I would send another.

I don't know. You can fire that second bullet. Maybe the last thing she said was nice. Then like you wait, you wait a little bit, like a day or two until you have something else to say. I'll wait, I'll wait forever. I'm still, I'm going on seven months with one girl. I said, Hey, how are you?

And she said, good period. And I'm fucking icing her out. And then she said, you, but no question mark. So I didn't know if it was a fucking like, how are you thing? Or like, I'm good, you like, hey, I'm good. So I just like fucking iced her now. And then she sent me three question marks.

And I was like, what? You already said everything you needed to say. So I iced her out. Then she called me. And I was like, nah, this is the 21st century baby. I text, she let me a voicemail, but I didn't even check it. I did check and she's like, sorry. You were very desperate in person,

but you're not responding to anything I'm saying right now. Three months later, she sent me a picture text of her with her new boyfriend. And she's like, this is a guy who actually knows what he's talking about. Wow. Did not respond to that either. Love that.

The triple ice. That's the triple ice. You're engaged, dude, but you're the best man. How's that? How's that for fair? I'm going to go to the wedding and I'm not going to say a goddamn word. You're not allowed to.

Except for the best man's speech. And when they ask if anyone objects, have I mentioned that I do? So is that a good general, but comprehensive answer to a question where if somebody, girl or guy writes to you a single word text. Yeah, I think that's your cut. Like that's done for that conversation.

And then like review the conversation and see where you went or ride. Just remember when you're texting to be like fun, casual, you want to be like an escape to somebody's boring day. You want to be like, oh man, I like texting Jay. He makes me laugh. He says funny things. It's funny, but you're also asking questions.

Yeah. And then hopefully they ask. If everything you say is a question, then it's just like, oh my God, this person just wants me to respond. Right. Sometimes what I like to do is like, do ask questions, but sometimes don't ask questions

to see if the other person responds. Not like a one sentence, not a one word thing, like nice or fine or good, but a joke. Now that doesn't necessitate a text in return so that when you do get one in return, it's a good sign. It's so subtle. It's such a subtle game. Like there's a difference between an ellipsis

and two periods. Oh yeah, we've debated that before too. And like, I don't know if I've ever said this on the podcast, but sometimes what I like to do is like, if we're both going back and forth, I like to just type a bunch and then erase it and then turn my, and then like just stop. See, that's like, that's where we differ.

I don't like to do that. Oh, I love that. She says something that like, doesn't necessarily warrant a response. Yeah. You type a bunch and then delete it. So what she sees is the dot, dot, dot, like you are typing and you delete it.

And then it goes away. Yeah. And then it's like a T. It's like, what was he going to say? What was he going to say? Like I need to, I need to prod him one more time. I need to say something else. So he responds.

Oh, interesting. It's like, in my brain, it's like, oh, I guess it's my insecurity. Like she's going to think that I thought of a joke and then deleted it because it wasn't funny. And then I couldn't answer. Oh no, in my mind, it's like, I'm typing something interesting.

And then I'm like, ah, no, fuck it. And then she's like, wait, no, what were we going to say? That's what it is. It's for you, it's like walking away from someone at a party. Yeah, yeah. Where like, you walk away and they're just like, looking after you and being like,

what is that guy doing there? Yeah, he was about to, he opened his mouth to talk and then he did an about face and hit a wall, passed out and I haven't spoken to him since. Yeah, that's another good thing. You have like a good conversation with someone and then you disappear altogether. And they're like, where did that guy go?

The two dots thing is also really funny. Like, there's, and like, I'm fine. Or, let's see, let's think. Like, my day was pretty good, period. It's pretty like salty. And then my day was pretty good, dot, dot, dot, is like, oh, what's that? It's kind of sexy and interesting.

And then there's this thing that we've been discussing is the two dots. Which is not like a real grammatical thing, but it really is somewhere in between the two. It could almost be a typo in either direction. Like, my day was pretty good, dot, dot. You almost like have to say something after. Like, my day was pretty good, dot, dot.

Got my laundry done, heading home from work now. But dot, dot is the end of the first text or in between the two sentences? Yeah, I don't know. It's so, it's, this is why we need to have this site. Because I can't fucking explain it. You have to see it. When you do, you'll get it.

It's art, it's jazz. And we can't explain it, it just happens. It is jazz. That's what jazz is. You know the instrument so well that you can sort of like bend the rules and operate outside them, right? Right.

But first you have to be able to be so competent. Like, first you have to know the rules and then you have to break them. That's me, dude. This is jazz. Yeah. This is smooth jazz. Beep boop bop, beep boop bop bop.

This is Jake Kerwin's text. God. This is me. I'm horny. Sorry, shut the fuck up, this is slam poetry. This is what you ever thought you never wanted that you ever knew that you never wanted to know. Huh?

What? Huh? That's what she says. But she doesn't know the answer is the question that I ask her. So, wow. Yeah. This is awful.

What? You're only good at texting. OK. Yeah. You have no other areas of expertise. Relax, dude. Relax and listen to the sound of my sweet, sweet voice. Let's take a break before that last question.

We finally got more details about the tour that we're doing. You can actually purchase the tickets. In fact, I found that you can purchase the tickets to the Portland, the Seattle, and the San Francisco show. We'll put the dates and the places, the links on our website. So go to ifiriushow.com for more of that information. Are we also doing some other shows in April?

Yeah, April 1st. Tuesday, April 1st. We're doing a show at UCB Theater. Yeah, we have a show at UCB LA. This is a College Humor Live show. So there's Pat Castles, Adam Conover, Murph and Emily, Kumail Nanjiani, and me and Amir. Geez, that's a powerhouse, packed show.

Yeah, minus us. Everybody's fucking good. You think we'll close the show? That'll probably be Kumail, because he's like a big time. He's like a real comedian. I would hate to go on after Kumail. Yeah. Oh, you know what we should do is split up,

and I'll go on before Kumail, and you go on after. You do five, I'll do 15 after Kumail. If anything, is that Kumail played my brother in a Jacob and Amir. That is funny. Now he's popular. Now he's big time. Now he's popular and good.

Yeah, and we suck. Yeah, we plateaued after that, and he took off. We were peeking as he guest-starred. Yeah, he stepped on our shoulders and launched himself into a new stratosphere, and then so. Don't dare you take any credit for what he did. It's like when you're standing on someone in a pool, and then you jump off their shoulders,

and he took off into space, and we drowned. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, brother. Yeah, brother. What else did we want to talk about? Well, I just want to continue a massing story

with some Dave Rosenberg's past, but we didn't get any other funny stories or anecdotes from people who know him. Not that I know of. I could just rack my brain and try to think of a Dave Rosenberg story. Every break is just a Dave Rosenberg story. I do have a really minor one, but Dave used to really

like wearing hats. Yeah. Well, he still does. So yeah, he would just wear these weird floppy hats, those bucket hats. There was one time that we went to this place in North Haven. It's called The Only Game in Town, and there's like go-karts, and ski ball, and video games,

and mini golf course, and all that shit. We rode the go-karts, and they make you wear this weird sock on your head because you get sweaty in the helmets for the go-karts. Oh, yeah. So we all did that. We rode the go-karts. We all went home.

We went our separate ways. Three days later, I saw Dave. He came over, and he just pulled up, and he was still wearing. He was still wearing his sock thing on his head. And not in a way that he took it off and showered and put it back on. He clearly had not taken it. Because it wasn't on top of his head.

Afterwards, we were playing around, and he put it around his neck. And he came over three days later in the same shirt, the same shorts, and he was still wearing that thing around his neck. Like a sweat rag from a go-kart. He was still wearing bowling shoes that he got two weeks prior, and hasn't washed his hands

since. That is a good Dave Rosenberg story. Thank you. Three days of a sock on his face head. We got to have him back on. He should fly out to LA. Yeah, Dave, if you're listening, fly out to Los Angeles. We can read.

We should start a Kickstarter. To get Dave over here. Dude, just like fly Dave here for one episode at a time. Yeah, what sort of money would we need to get Dave to just move into the solarium? Well, if anything, we should just offer him the money. We have sponsors. We should use the money to get Dave fly Dave out here.

That's fair. Yeah, and then that's a business expense. That's tax deductible. Oh, that's cool. So when I talked to the accountant about it, he'd be like, OK, what's this line item, $407? Oh, that was a Dave fee. Is Dave tax deductible?

Let's just, yeah, let's ask Dave when he can come out here, and we'll just put him up for a week and record as many podcasts as we can. Yes. Like as a guest just chilling. Squeezes brain like a wet sponge all over our wet computers. Perfect. All right, let's get to one last question.

Lest we run out of time. All right. Do we have a last place that Mike went? I know he went to the Dead Sea. Let's just say that, because I think they actually haven't been to whatever the fourth location is yet. OK, we'll say the Dead Sea writes, this one is from. Is it?

Yeah, it's from another guy. Oh, yeah, this one's great. All right, ready? Dead Sea writes, yo, I'm pretty stoned, and I have this idea. Yo, I'm pretty stoned, and I have this idea. Since I've been rejected by yet another girl, I've decided to fuck the dating game, fuck looking for love, and just fuck a girl every weekend.

I'm making it a goal to do so. Fuck at least one girl a week. How do I approach that? Question mark, thanks, Dead Sea. P.S. Call me Josh if you're going to use my question. Josh, just the sound of a bong suck. So you had an idea, and your idea is to have a goal to fuck every week.

A very original idea of just getting laid. Hey, guys. It sounds like that was your idea before, because you were trying to hook up with girls. You got rejected, and you were like, fuck this. I'm going to hook up with girls. I have this zany, high idea. It's to sleep with a girl.

That makes no sense. You had to get high to have that? You wanted to climb Mount Everest. You started, you fell, you couldn't do it, and then you were like, oh, fuck this. I got a new goal. I'm going to climb Mount Everest. He's so high he doesn't remember what his original goal was.

Same goal, getting laid. You couldn't let him to get high. Except now you want to do it every week. Yeah. You couldn't do it at all. And now you're like, fuck this new idea. I do it once a week. How?

I don't know, man. Jake and Amir will tell me. I'm fucking baked. It doesn't matter. As long as I get high enough, it'll happen. How do I make this happen? How do you get laid every week? Get on Tinder, for one.

You could try fucking the bong itself that way. It's like you're eliminating. Fill it with petroleum jelly and sort of like sticking your. Yeah, that's a nice idea. Well, two things. One, two things came to mind when I read this. One, you can lower your bar so much that you'll just accept sex from literally anybody.

And maybe you'll find someone else in the universe through dating websites that will also find themselves as desperate as you to fill this imaginary quota that you got. So if you get on Tinder, you just swipe everyone to the right and say, hey, do you want to have sex with me? And if you do that 1,000 times a day, maybe one will match a week. Yeah. Two, this goal seems like it's a self, not fulfilling.

What's the opposite? Self-destructive prophecy. Because as soon as you give yourself a quota, you get nervous. And you start acting even worse than you would if you didn't have this imaginary quota. So I would say, get rid of that. Get rid of this high idea that you have to fuck someone once a week and maybe make it a little more manageable.

Like, I like to have sex more, more often than I do now. Just a general goal. Yeah, then there's less pressure on it. Because whenever you're trying to attain a number, it seems like it only gets in the way. That was great, man. That was good. I feel like this is my podcast to shine

between that and the text question. And both of these questions, I don't know if the first one did, but this guy specifically asked for my advice, right? Yeah. And yeah, I think that was correct. Jesus. Yeah. One now.

I guess you have to do what I usually do or something. I guess, could it math? No, that's not going to happen. I record the audio levels. I monitor to make sure we don't peek or go too low. Am I even doing that? No. I'll go back to fucking.

You are getting baked right now. I'm getting high. Oh my god, I just got even more high. I just thought of the craziest idea. Two girls a week. Hey, couldn't make the two girls a week thing happen. So I said, fuck it, I'm going to get laid every night. This is such a great email.

He sounds so sad. Since I've been rejected by yet another girl, I decided, fuck the dating game. Fuck looking for love. I'm going to fuck a girl every week. How do I do that? You don't get to talk so confidently and then ask is how? Yes.

I'm so stoned. I don't give a shit. I'm going to fuck one girl a week as soon as somebody advises me as to how to do it because I am without a clue. Anyway, repacking this bowl here. So that's my advice. And I guess yours too? Yeah, I second it.

Cool, that's it. That's our time. Can you imagine time flies when you're talking about having sex with a bong? We're still accepting, reviewing, using theme socks emissions. Like I said, those are running low. That first one was by Simon.

And this last one is actually, I believe, though I haven't seen frozen, a frozen parody by three people whose names clearly are in my short term memory. Oh yes, here they are. Jesse, Harley, and Ian. Where did your eyes just flutter to the back of your head? Really? How did you remember that?

No, I was looking. I put the name of it on my computer. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, you thought I was like, that's how I remember things. I thought you were like, oh, I can't remember. They're somewhere locked away in a room in my short term memory. Here, here, here. Yes, I can't remember what you just said.

Jesse, Harley, and Evan? Oh, close, Ian. Wow. So if you have theme songs, please submit them to ifirusho at gmail.com. And also, if you have questions for us, please email us at ifirusho at gmail.com. We'll be back in exactly, literally, seven days from today.

Thanks for listening, everybody. Peace. Tone. I got a problem that needs to be solved, not an answer to be seen. I think I may kill myself, but a Starbucks is not near me. I've got one last resort, one that I've tried to avoid. I failed to re-ease this. Now I've lost my pride.

My friends ignore my many texts about issues that I must profess, so now I must turn to a podcast show so the world may know. My tattoo turns on guys because it's of a butterfly. I hate birds in relationships. Girls turn away and slam the door. I really care what these Jews have to say. Just remember to give advice. If I were you, the show starts right now.

That's it. That's our episode. Thanks again for listening. And thanks again to our tunes for sponsoring it. That's ourtuneswithaz.com. Sign up now. Use promo code Jake or promo code Amir to start discovering new music and to check out Jake's custom playlist.

They also gave me one because they were good sports. So if you want to listen to a really, really eclectic, cool mix of songs, check out my playlist or Jake's. All right, thanks so much, guys. Bye.