If I Were You - 71: Sim Cheating (with Thomas Middleditch)

Episode Date: April 7, 2014

Silicon Valley's Thomas Middleditch joins us to discuss mustaches, break-ups, and virtual world problems.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox! Delicious, nutritious snacks delivered to your door. Use promo code "ifiwereyou" for 50% off your first box! http://bit.ly/1idZxFpSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

oh love if I were you here's exactly what I would do give me that advice yeah I need it right now in a sticky situation it's about to go down ASAP no it's not me they changed my name for my anonymity only advice podcast that'll give it to you free after everything said everybody yelling preach you won't last yeah you won't last they won't last in the past it's on the fun of the podcast they move fast it gets real like how you feel fucking you know the deal email your questions your problems confessions please see the motherfucking cheese a mere and Jake to the Jake in a mere take all your issues and sort them

out here yeah I love podcast that's my fucking problem I love podcast that's my fucking problem hey Thomas middle ditches here do you mind if I call you Tommy mids that's cool really fine a lot of things but there's a couple of things I'm not fine with and I delete those comments off my Instagram I've noticed what they are fall off a lot you delete the dudes comments I delete them and I block your motherfucking ass really yeah I'm tired of it I asked people not to on this podcast and then they did it more so I'm sorry the more you the more you say no the more they do you're saying you're gonna block them so that'll

yeah don't give them the infamy I know I know blocking blocking gives people no opinion blocking years like I'm done with you yeah you're saying blocking is bad even for trolls yeah because that's the opposite of what they want they want them to respond and be like hey quit it and then they say it again and he's like stop it but if he's like oh there's no response anything it was like it's a one-strike offense down zero dollar yeah I don't care it's these are like pictures of myself my girlfriend my dogs like stop what are you doing writing penis and caps lock what are you doing there was something that they did on

college humor like if you were an abusive commenter they could block you but then there's something called hell block you or something well yeah I'll smiting smiting that was it I wasn't a pile or I think it was pilot did it yeah but it was like you caught your comments never showed up except to you so you would comment and and no one would respond and like oh so you just be trolling to the ether to nothing no one could see them that's really smart that's even better than blocking yeah because then it's like you think that you're trolling but nobody can hear you right wasted effort although it's not

embarrassing enough because you think you're still getting it well I mean what does a troll want there's like if no one is responding to them at all they're I think you probably grow confused you're like something's broken something's wrong you grow confused what's happening I'm growing it you grow confused you I can say that yeah you could say it but we can also make fun of it well you can make fun of anything thank you yeah dude so anyway at Tom beanie go ahead make no why don't we should edit this whole thing out cuz they're gonna do it I feel like I should write to you anonymously and say how do I stop this do I address

it do I ignore it do I learn to live with it I posted something on Instagram the other day and I like made it fun of myself for having a bad caption sure like opening people up to make fun of my caption sure but then even when they did it it hurt my feelings I know you have to realize friends that we're humans and most of us are very sensitive humans I feel like if people knew how often even not that we're celebrities but like celebrities I bet all they all check their at replies on Twitter oh yeah yeah and no but nobody really thinks that like oh this person's gonna read my reply yeah yeah

imagine imagine if you're just walking along and you get a notification that says like hey everything you do sucks and you're having a great day and some stranger just says that to you that would be horrible that's the thing about trolling it really works and you have to tell yourself like oh okay they don't mean it they don't even know me I'm a beautiful butterfly but man I've done that where you like somebody says oh you suck everything you do sucks and I like click through to see who they are right which is like all they'll ever want it's like hey notice me and then I do and I'm like and I read his other tweets and

that's it but usually when you find out who they are you're like oh you're 14 yeah you're 14 you have nine followers you live in the middle of nowhere yeah and I could squash you yeah what does that mean I'm very weak I don't know really when I got all when I got mugged and had to run away in order to prevent being mugged it was by it was from teens I'd like to hear that story yeah it was in Toronto guys back in TDOT I had a great night a great night I made out with an incredibly beautiful girl way way out of my league I was walking home three in the morning feeling pretty baller and then I walked past this diner

and there was some some tufts in the through the window tough some rough some street tough yeah and they were staring at me so I gave him a like a little nod and I was like oh that was weird and then as I was walking across the street I could like I knew that they were behind me and my drunken sort of like confident self me like let him try something I'm saying this myself like go ahead man I don't care then they got in front of me and the one guy said hey man you want to see what I got you want to see what I got and he kept reaching his jacket and I was like oh fuck how old were you it was like 22 maybe okay I was

like it could be a gun it could be a knife what do I do I've never even been in a fist fight never nothing and then he like tried to punch me missed me then grabbed my like hoodie and like started to try and hockey jersey me while the other guy is like reaching in my pockets and I'm sliding his hands away and I remember like a split second this like it's almost like time slows down I see there's a homeless guy sleeping on the street it's like it was just so surreal that there's like someone there and no one can help me enough what the heck and then I was like do I swing a punch and potentially like maybe get stabbed I had

to like like a not a flashback like a mental image of me like lying like like waiting for an ambulance or something like stab wounds like Ralph from Lord of the front wasn't it yeah exactly and then I was like no fuck it and I slipped out of my hoodie oh this is such a hockey Toronto yeah baby oh rock em sock em and I slipped out of my hoodie and I ran and lucky for me I actually do I got some speed man I got legs I got legs for days legs for days and arms for passion for games yeah and I ran as hard as my little stems could take me and I was like road runner they tried and they're like oh hey oh no so screw you teens

with that let's get started like the intro to a movie where you become the world's greatest runner your leg braces falling off yeah yeah I get to the edge of the block after escaping them and there's like a coach with a whistle he's like have you ever thought about running a track that's how they recruit so let's let's let's start yeah I already started let's explain yeah we already started let's talk we already started oh no he's got no shoot him there's no way out the show is called if I were you it's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us my name is Jake and I'm Amir I appreciate what you just did I

forgot so how does it work we get emails from real people in real difficult places and they're seeking advice and we do our best to offer it sometimes it's just me Jake and sometimes we have funny friends with us and today is no exception it's Thomas middle-ditch we have to be having fun that's why we're laughing like yeah this is so disingenuous sure it's not babies darlings it's the same as crying laughing like that Thomas I don't mean to put you on a reverse blast but I'm gonna praise you your last episode that you did was our most listen-to episode oh ever had oh well not a coincidence it was fun to do

I had so much fun and I'm like a weirdo that I listen to the podcast I'm on I listen to it I was like that was so fun it was a fun one that's great yeah we're gonna try and do it although in the first five minutes I've already alienated some of your fans by telling them stop yeah telling that you block them yeah so we'll see how this goes we don't need them yeah I'm sorry I love everybody I thank you for your support just choose your words that is it's kind of nice it's like a good way to go out forever they're like all right I'm ready to unfollow Tom beanie yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna write dupes on his life yeah it's

a good way to go out well hell I mean do what you gotta I'd rather you didn't but you know I will delete you I will block you naturally I wish I didn't have to I'd rather we all get along and support each other but you know here we are mankind is we're just the hairless apes there we go we'd we'd we fuck animals sometimes I'm talking about fucking animals but I do let me bring it back to not fucking animals you delete comments on your Instagram yeah of course hmm sometimes I like I post a picture of my mom and dad on there and if somebody like calls my mom an ugly bitch I would delete it not that they

would ever do that well because my mom's most beautiful woman in the world exactly I love you mom so the podcast let's uh let's get started we need a we need a fake name this is a real email from a real person we're gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity are you saying use names from Tom's new TV show that that is already out if you're listening to this podcast it's called Silicon Valley it's on Sunday nights at what time right after Game of Thrones 10 p.m. no that's you are that's insane you're gonna be the most famous person in the world not really no that's the best lead-in ever is the best lead

in dude yeah yes amazing yeah it's right in between Game of Thrones and deep so it's at 10 because VP is at 10 30 okay then yes congratulations yeah thanks this is the last time Tom's ever gonna hang out it's very surreal you know last time we were talking about like the poster and like oh yeah that poster came out so if anyone not just didn't just come out it's everywhere yeah it's fucking everywhere it's real weird do people recognize you from the billboard I don't think people put two and two together I don't think anyone's walking around being like cool billboard I'm gonna remember those faces holy shit who's

that yeah I don't think people do that right but your friends are like sending you pictures left and right yeah yeah it's kind of like hey buddy which I've done on too right it's fine it's fucking crazy because it's it's not just you it's not like one big billboard somewhere it's like it's literally everywhere everywhere I don't know if it is I think it's on buses I've been in the back of a bus and like been a been below a billboard and behind a bus both of them are just your face look at me it's like Jesus I'll watch the show I'm friends with a guy now you don't have to inundate me with this message yeah okay

well don't have to be that negative oh do you have a let's give these names people from your show okay so what's your character's name for example this is this will be Richard Hendricks that's my character's name cool name all right Richard Hendricks real rock and roller Jimmy's uncle of algorithms hey guys a couple of weeks ago I walked into the room while my girlfriend was playing the Sims and noticed she saved and closed out of the game really fast I noticed her character looks like her but really didn't get to see much of it however the other day I was using her computer to check my email and out of curiosity

went to her sims saved games folder I found a saved sim with her ex's name on it and saw that they are married in the game she is also pregnant in the game what the actual fuck I feel like I've hit rock bottom but I have no idea how to handle this it's been making me pretty upset but I can't even imagine how I'd bring it up with her or where the conversation would go thank you please help Richard Hendricks the funniest thing in the world was watching like as you're reading I was like okay all right and like looking across a tub he's like his mind was blown if that's real if that's not just like a made-up email that

is well you're a gamer right right yeah I know I played the Sims so this is why like I just started all with me I was like I was like okay this yeah what's the I didn't I was not following along and you were just like you looked at me at one point mouth a game you're like I was like can you believe this dude so can you explain to us what is the what is the Sims exactly the uninformed that is just so funny the Sims like it's just like dollhouse essentially like you can make your own little dolls essentially and you even make the little house and furnish the little house and you watch the little dolls play in the little house

the dolls can get jobs they can have relationships you kind of play house you play God with the little dolls so you can say get pregnant you can make well they have to fall in love first and then they're gonna get like married or fuck or something I'm not sure in the latest iteration of the Sims what it's at how do you make a two virtual characters fall in love they do these little chat options like it's you have complete control over these things so she made the guy and she named the thing and and she like interacted and interacted and like wooed and courted went on probably like these are weird little virtual dates

that's so they probably like did it in a hot tub I mean that before Sims fucking yeah that's so would you if you caught your girlfriend Sims cheating on you is that real cheating well the thing is there's so much thought behind it yeah I mean she's worse it's almost worse well it's not I mean no I would definitely rather have my girlfriend having sex with somebody in the Sims in real life it's not worse do you know what's bad about it is if she's it's like a secret it's a thing if she was like up top like isn't this funny look what happened like I didn't even control this this happen isn't that funny or

whatever I did this this is funny at least like acknowledging it but to be like close the laptop like nothing you know that never like here's a good tip if you're doing something weird on a computer never minimize quickly it was own it yeah don't even like cuz like this guy would have not known what was happening unless she like got nervous and freaked out or just like seeing the Sims being played yeah you know who anybody's named yeah I would just continue doing what you're doing and 50 times out of a hundred the guy just won't know what the fuck is going on he'll just like look past it because

nobody really cares about what people do on the computer when you minimize something quickly then that's advice for the girl playing the Sims I do want to ask this I want I want this girl on the podcast like I gotta be like that would be all what are you what is this that's that next level shit of us like calling really calling somebody out investigating so it's such like a you build your own world in the simpson get really complex so she's built a world where not only the guys just in it like I would get that maybe they're in it whatever but she's living out this weird fantasy of them I mean I don't know to

the guy like buddy I don't know he's back doesn't it seem like maybe maybe she's like she's it's an old game like she started she had these characters when she was with her ex she was just about to click the divorce button I don't know man theoretically passive-aggressive argument as a gamer wouldn't couldn't you see like if she had gotten very far along and I've never played the sim so she but if she's like built some life in the Sims she's pregnant with a baby she has a good job a nice sim house she's she doesn't really want to have a double sims even though she's not with this other dude anymore yeah I mean to me like

with all this stuff like as yourself is this affecting the relationship like is it is it bad or is the relationship good other than this if it's good fuck it who cares it's a fantasy it's a video game there's a lot worse video games there's a there's a game called rate play where you walk around raping women that's also bad but this is so there's games to be playing this is emotional I think I wouldn't be able to I would not be cool if I was dating somebody who is having who had a fantasy life with her ex that's insane but you so what you bring it up and now you're a super yours you've snooped you've betrayed trust yes

you know what I snooped but guess what I found something yeah I guess so I acceptable responsibility sorry for snooping but shit you better be sorry too yeah I guess you know I think the relationship is done it's irrevocably damaged no no I say if you do confront don't come in hot cuz you don't know let's preface all this with Thomas is talking this is correct advice I am just giving you that hot headed advice I'm saying fuck this bitch fucker for everything I'm saying buy a gun shooter in the mouth the problem killer just take it off the mouth I've had no you gotta get a job you know I had three sips of

whiskey so I'm like ready to just fuck anybody up Jake saying go into the game go into the game and click on some sort of abort abort pregnancy button you could have the kid and then name the kid after yourself how detailed it gets on the Sims yeah nine months for them to have a baby I mean not nine in not nine real-time months nine in game months I don't know actually I haven't played it fast forward time in the same years okay and you yeah I played it when I was a teenager it's been a lot it's been around for a long long time you think you can have a miscarriage in the Sims no I don't know

maybe I know so I mean if look guys miscarriages are part of life or just animals sometimes it doesn't work out that's true very real about pregnancy three guys getting very real about animals man well okay well let's the show after all it's called if I were you what would you do if you found your girlfriend still haven't answered the question no I'm gonna wait till you want to go first yeah if I were you and I found that I would probably bring it up because it's so bizarre that it's I can't just sit on it so I'd be like hey you're pregnant in this game you loser you're a gamer I yeah go ahead I would

bring it up to you I think you're Tom's right saying not to come in hot yeah go in and break up with her but I think you got to be very straight up like look I was sketched out when you x'd everything out real quick the other day so I looked on the Sims and you are in a relationship and pregnant with your ex what's that about I second that yeah I gotta be honest curiosity is not it can't hold this tiger yeah it can't hold it and I want you to write back I want you to write back with what the fuck she said yes that's my goodness I'm I curious like it's just a game and when someone says that to you like why are

you making such a big deal out of it yeah oh fuck you you're doing it why are you making a small deal out of it yeah if she is it's just a game relax just be like well it it does make me concerned so we're gonna just have to address that at some point right it's not just a game also it's like it's a game that's distinctly about life simulation it's like yeah it's about inventing a weird ideal reality for yourself so that's it's one thing if it's like I don't know if she's playing Street Fighter and she's like punching her ex in the face you're like oh this is weird but I guess sure what I what I love is if he he like

went to the basement of the weird little dollhouse and an avatar of him is like in a cage fucking bowl a dog food in front of him what is this and as he's looking at it eyes wide clicking through that just feels a dog collar wrap around his neck holy shit choke chain oh oh no you're mine now sorry Richard Hendricks if you're gonna be a Snoopy I'm going to treat you like a dog well played there you go to da move on now that's the exclamation point at the end of that story let me tell you what all right we need a female is there a

female on your show or is it just dudes hanging out with dudes um no if there's there's a girl yeah can we get a do you know her character name Monica but I'm not sure of the last name okay strange Monica's good we've got to keep her anonymous anyway yeah Monica hey guys I've been going out with my boyfriend for about two years now and I really am in love with him but about a month ago a guy used to have a friends with benefits deal going on with moved back into town after finishing university and as we share the same group of friends I see him on a quite regular basis the thing is I keep having fantasies about sleeping

with him I don't want to leave my boyfriend or cheat on him but my mind keeps wandering back to this other guy the result of it is I currently have a much higher sex drive and I have been pouncing on my boyfriend a lot more regularly than I usually have because and he can't believe his luck the worst part is he noticed how much randier I am getting recently and thinks it's down to the mustache he started growing about the same time as this other guy came into town he talks about his mustache a lot now thinking that it makes me horny when it just doesn't should I tell him the truth and risk making him feel like

shit or should I just end it all at my local Starbucks toadah you do you and sees the cheese love Monica so her ex-boyfriend what a sign Feldian problem right so weird it's like a Pavlovian response I did this and then this happens so this caused this to happen now if I grow a mustache I'll have sex but the thing is he's making out the best he gets to have sex and he has a must definitely so clueless that's but he's having clueless sex that's the worst shouldn't like I feel sad for him he's out there getting like having sex and he's like oh yeah I'm a pimp and little

does he know he's the opposite some other fucking suave motherfucker is so hot that he gets this dude's girlfriend turned on to fuck him yeah I gotta be honest to this girl my vice it sounds like you're not ready to be in the thing oh shit and I think about somebody else no you're allowed to fantasize I mean no I when you're really ready to be in the thing you know that there's gonna be people there's constantly gonna you're never gonna stop running into people that would be charming attractive and someone that you in a single world you like to have sex with that's I mean if you're a social person that's just always

gonna happen but if you have all these like lusty things I don't know man I think that's like a crack in the dam I think it's a crack in your own personal dam I think maybe you're just not ready don't beat yourself up about it but especially if you're annoyed that this guy thinks he's a player because of my such that should be cute and endearing to be honest I think the guy's kind of adorable right now but if that pisses you off and you're like I'm mostly on board with what you're saying especially because I think that like fantasizing is fine I think that's normal I think you like to you know lust

after somebody that's normal but she's lusting after one specific dude again and again which I think that is like chipping away an ex at the foundation yeah not just a random an ex dude but I I feel like if the what she asked what she asked what she asked okay we got it and you're hurting me it's just like like four big bruise finger mark what happened I didn't even touch it got really mad I got this podcast and and and and we're across the table and slap me Jake such a nice guy I don't think she has to tell the truth I don't think she has to be like hey it's not your mustache I love this or I'm I want to

fuck this other dude she could definitely just be like hey I'm I am horny or lately it has nothing to do with your mustache I don't like it shave it so you're saying don't go all the way to the truthville yeah just go halfway to truthville yeah drive into omission town yeah white live ill I will admit that that unless you are out to hurt someone's feelings you shouldn't say I'm not horny because your mustache I it's because I want to fuck someone else I mean wow that's raw yeah that you would make him cry yeah imagine someone said that to you you'd be like what an asshole will you be the fucking asshole

he could never have a mustache again do you could you imagine like a mustache will even seeing a mustache on someone else will just remind him of the time you like that's also this reminds me of this is such a tangent but like engine it up yeah I was in high school right and there was a we were doing superlatives I was a junior these other kids were seniors sorry we got to go we got to keep going please do really good story really fun but we just got it so I'm looking at the time here there's no time this is gonna fit so anyway this dude he was like this dude and this girl were sort of like making a campaign to

be voted funniest at school yeah and they they like made a little speech as like this girl was wearing boy clothes and this dude came out he was wearing a dress oh well I'm back I was fine whatever he's just wearing a dress and then after that the teachers made a special announcement that someone who had gone to the school the year before and died and it was just like very like just everybody's dead sober all of a sudden everyone is sad and that dude is just sitting on the side of the stage in a dress I was like oh my god this guy is just like no one's feeling so I'm imagining that for this dude with the

mustache he's like hey no I'm just like having fantasies about my ex and all he's doing is just being like I have to shave right now you just can't wait to go home and just shave off the mustache get out of the dress her telling him that and him listening to her in a mustache would it be like the most watched video on YouTube that's like a Todd Salant's movie like that's from happiness or palindrome's like what a sad little thing I think about my other boyfriend that's why I'm so fucking turned on your mustache something that's taking it down enough right he's like pulling out the hairs and like and

then he just starts like masturbating in front of her like don't go don't go crying it's like wow I wee I don't know girl girl there's not I mean just don't be a super villain you could she could destroy this guy right now that would destroy someone it's pretty rare that you have that power what why you stay was here's what here's the thing why you stay with someone why you choose the mustache guy over the guy is because of like him as a person and you're like you know yeah this make this guy may be a good lay but this guy's a really nice guy and I want to be I want to be his girlfriend I want to be around him if

he's not doing that if you guys just start kind of dating he's just like a little dude with a mustache you're like and I don't know take it or leave it the only way fuck this guy's gonna get turned on by someone else but if you love this and tell what you're saying if you love this guy as a person then I think you need to maybe find a way to stop hanging out with the friends with benefits guy she said they have a lot of a mutual friends maybe just like try to cut him out of your life if you like value the relationship that you're in yeah yeah and you know what I'm get turned on by the guy your boyfriend again

if you're young you know you don't have to make these you have to settle down you know if you're 20s or teens I mean this girl is 68 fuck yeah well that's kind of the same thing your boyfriend is just trying out a mustache her boyfriend's 23 okay yeah yeah but it's a Hitler mustache oh no yeah I would say tell him that you're not turned on by the mustache but don't tell her that you're getting turned on by your ex-boyfriend that's true you can just enjoy your higher libido he'll enjoy it and tell him to get rid of the mustache say that has nothing to do with it I actually prefer you clean-shaven that's great if

you like the boyfriend you want to stay but you know libido comes in ebbs and flows and so you it's raging now that's cool don't overthink it but if the mustache you don't like it you know just be like hey man why not try a beard turn that mustache into a beard yeah it is a good look that's true don't say I don't that's exactly right don't say I don't like the mustache say would you try a beard and then he tries the beard you say I like this even better than the beard that's what my girlfriend says and it makes me feel like a million dollars oh yeah she goes I like you in a beard but she likes bearded guys and then I

get mad because it makes me think okay who else has a beard that you fucking get turned on long-haired sort of like fucking Fleetwood Mac like fucking beard guys and then I just every night I think about putting that pole over her face you know oh oh my god and kissing her and kissing the pillow because I don't touch the lips never touch them wow powerful I've never met your girlfriend but she seems ask her this tonight ask her if she has ever had a crush on the dad from family ties you want me to ask her that I think she has if you text if you text her that it will not sound like it came from a mirror it'll sound like it came

from you you know checks or say she gets back to me in the show a letter and I'll let you guys know okay so say have you ever had a crush on the dad or do you have a crush on the dad for family ties I feel like that's your style it's like intellectual beer bearded guy he sort of looks like a an older version of you Thomas a little bit oh nice and yes that's perfect on the dad from what family ties family ties is she older than 26 she's 26 on the button so hopefully she knows what that guy looks like this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful

situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge it's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years so give therapy a try it can give you the tools to find a more

balanced life I've tried therapy it's been very helpful so you can find that balance better with better help all you got to do is go to better help comm slash if I were you you do that today you can get 10% off your first month so the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room this is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable that's better help HELP comm slash if I were you check them out thanks better help thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of

our show wow for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24 seven live customer support email campaigns data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example I didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude

calm I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website so the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer

code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. Should try to get to one more question. Yeah. Yeah. What's our time. We're around 35 minute mark. Oh this is a good one. All right we need another dude's name perhaps kumail's character's name. It's Dinesh and then something crazy Dinesh Kapakapa Goopu. All right so I was at this part of the other week and I was chatting with this pretty cute girl we were getting on really well we had similar interest in music TV shows and went to the same university she seemed to have genuine interest in me by around 2 a.m. we were both pretty drunk and I was moments away

for making a move when our conversation somehow ended up on the topic of 9-11 perhaps a symbolic precursor of what was to come. This seemed to be a topic of interest to her because she wouldn't shut up about it for about half an hour. What really bugged me was about about her discussion was that she was one of those crackpots who believed 9-11 to be a mysterious government conspiracy. I haven't done too much research on the topic but I'm pretty sure 9-11 was not an inside job. I felt by the tone of her voice she was one of those hipsters who believed such things only to go against the grain of society turned off by the

discussion I made an excuse to leave and got the heck out of there since the party she's contacted me to hang out. Am I being a bitchly for avoiding this cute redhead based solely on the motive that I disagree with her opinions on admittedly a pretty important topic? What would you guys do in this situation? Dinesh. First of all, let's explore the facts of 9-11. I mean look at the video. How could they report on themselves? The planes came in the top. Look, I'm not saying, I'm not saying maybe, I mean look, I mean knew about it let it happen. Obviously. I mean sure. We've done crazier things. The government's done

crazier things. How else are we gonna get into Iraq? Guys do the math. So would you hook up with someone who is a 9-11 conspiracy theorist? Well, Tom's a 9-11 conspiracy theorist. If I get some off. I'm kind of in there. I mean look, if you're trying to make up with a cute girl kind of like, who the fuck cares what she is. Yeah, that's a weird thing because like I'll say I'm into a band. I'll say I've been somewhere like to a club that I haven't been to. Yeah, little white lies to fudge your person. Why am I above being like, yeah, you're totally right. 9-11 was a conspiracy. It's all the ends justify the means, right? I can get this kid if he's coming

from kind of an emotional point like he was maybe looking for a girlfriend or something and you know, I've been in that situation where she says something and you're like, ooh, never mind. Yeah. Like I'm a Republican. Sorry, never mind. But is this bad enough? Man, I don't know. I would say ask her about it. That's crazy. What videos have you watched? Oh cool, yeah, I've seen that. I don't I don't I don't agree. I disagree. I mean she may have valid points. He said himself he hasn't looked into it. So he's admitting like ignorance. Girls are smart. They can know more than you. It's okay. At least she's done the research, buddy. I guess

you find out she's done the research. Also, it doesn't matter if you just want to make out with her. Yeah. I've definitely made out with people I completely disagree with. And to be honest, my honest opinion, that's like a fun difference to be had. That's not like a core principle belief that makes up a person. You know what I mean? Yeah. Some people can believe in a silly little conspiracy theory that it's pretty harmless. Yeah, I call that God. Yeah. But I was just going to say like if if religion is important to you and, you know, one person is one person isn't that's like a different thing than like,

hey, do you think 9-11 was a bad was an inside job? Right. This guy is actually a firefighter who lost lost his lost his brother on 9-11. So like somebody's like, oh, yeah, it's an inside job. Like, OK, fuck you. Yeah. I was there. You watched a loose change. Yeah. But to be honest, there's a lot of firefighters that do also think it's an inside job. Really? Yeah. Yeah. This is thing. I don't know anything about it either. Jake, what's your retort to that? To what? To the firefighter, I still believe it was an inside job. I've already leaned in and me and Tom are making out. Wait, I gotta say, so I checked to see if my

girl, my girl, Molly had responded. Yeah. I get an Instagram. Okay. This is fucking happening right now. Jesse whatever the fuck. Watch. You want to give her that job? She says nice one, doobs and capitals. What was the picture that you commented on? I'll describe it to you. I don't know. I just got the notification. This is how quickly it happens. It's me in a suit. I'm looking dapper. I'm like, look at me. I'm fancy now. Okay. Watch. Comment. I'm going over to you, your profile. Hey, dickhole. And I get mad. I'm like, so mad. I'm like, we could have been friends. You fool. You're 18 years old. You're from Melbourne.

I don't know. You guess what? As soon as this little icon pops up, I'm gonna click it. The only thing that's saving you is a slow ass motherfucking internet right now. Blocked forever? Blocked motherfucking ever one strike. Oh no. That's it. You only got 22 posts, 114 followers, and you following 512. You're following more than you've got followers. Hell no. What an icon. What is my fucking icon? This is exactly what he wants. Don't you get it? This is the only guy that's gonna get this shout out. I'm gonna do it to Thomas because I want the shout out on his next podcast. We could have been buddies. Okay, it

doesn't matter. Back to the girl. Yeah, 9-11 inside job. I don't believe that 9-11 was an inside job, but there are more fundamental differences that you can have, like Thomas said. And besides, you're not cultivating a relationship with this person quite yet. But it's weird to be like, oh yeah. No, it's like she likes the Red Sox and you like the Yankees, you know? And you think 9-11 was terrorist and she thinks it was the government. Yeah. That's kind of fucking crazy. There was like death involved. That was a pivotal point for society. It wasn't, it's not like your favorite color. Right, so you're saying

it's different. It's a bigger deal then. It is kind of a big, I mean I would say that like that's, it's sort of like what Tom's saying is like if you were looking for a girlfriend, then maybe this girl's not gonna be a good girlfriend, but you could definitely make out with her. I still think this is like you're focusing on a tiny thing. So say you spend more time with this girl, which you should if you think she's cool. Just so we're clear, you just called 9-11 a tiny thing. Go on. Well, I mean, you, you traitor. We've killed a lot more people over there than we've had killed. So who's the bad guys? Anyways. Open your

eyes, people. Open your eyes. Let's get out of there and fucking let those people just live their lives, please. Anyhow. We're getting political for the first time ever. Fucking yes. God damn it. Thank you. Thank you. Anyhow. Anyhow. Dude. I think like so we went on another date and it's all swimming, it's all going along great. Is this literally the thing that's like gonna prevent you, you know, like believing in a harmful conspiracy theory? I mean, I don't know. That's a question to ask yourself, baby. That's what you do. And fucking when you figured out don't come on Instagram because you get blocked. Oh, that's what's up. That's what's up. Do you

want to hear what Molly said? Yeah. Don't know who that is. I googled him and I don't recognize him. He does nothing for me. Why? Why is a good question? I don't know who that is either. What's the guy's name? I don't know. It was Alex Keaton's dad on family ties. He was tall. He was slender. He had a beard. He had gray hair. I went for it. I swung for the fences. She's clearly, she's clearly lying to you. I'm sorry, dude. I still think that I'm right. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I'm looking at a picture of him and of course. Yeah, no. What do you mean? He's a rocker. He's a silver fox. No, but is he a rocker? No, he's not a rocker. That's

the guy. That's the, that's, that's my girl's type. It's like, you know, plaid shirt, sort of like, or like a black t-shirt. Oh, you know what it is? I just woke up. Maybe I just, I, if she had seen the show, he has a very crush worthy personality on the show. Jesus, you, you, you have a crush on him. You love the dad from family ties. That's, maybe I do. Maybe I don't. Like, you know, you definitely do. He's cute. He's fucking really sexy, man. I want to kiss his cheekbones. That doesn't mean I have a crush on him. Yeah, baby. All right. We got one last question to get to. Do we, do we, we answered the, we answered the guy. Yeah, yeah. Chill, unless it's a

super big deal for you, in which case. Yeah, you're, you're the arbiter of, of what is big or not. Yeah. Boom. You do you. This girl, I think I want you to read this question. It's a girl who's seemingly on a drunken rant and I feel like you can knock it out of the park. Do you have another female name to give this? Um, it won't be from the show. Oh no, Tara. Tara. That's from the show. Tara writes in Thomas, you can do a voice, you can not do a voice, but just remember, read it in the, read it in the tone of a girl, furiously typing away on her keyboard, having just gotten into a fight with her boyfriend. Okay. First though, like, let's just like get on board

with punctuation. Yeah. Oh, there's no, yeah. There's barely any at this point. Please capitalize when you start a sentence. It's called English. I love you, sweetie. Learn it or get out of my country. I mean, but it's the language you speak. You should be really good at it. Anyway. Hey, dudes, you never replied to my first email, so that was hurtful. I think I, you're definitely drunk. I think I can forgive you, but I'm still having, having a goddamn come apart. Oh, that's, I like that term. I'm going to use that. A come apart. A come apart. The boy that I could never get to date me after fucking for 10 months and saying, I love you to each other. Just admitted to me that the, don't

touch that. Just admitted to me that the reason he can't be with me is because I don't know if I want to have kids. Kids. I feel like we're way too young to even be thinking about procreation. I'm 23 and he turned 25 last week. This isn't even considering the fact that we're barely beyond the let's not fuck other people phase of a relationship. His reasoning is that he doesn't want to get more invested in something that's going to end inevitably. Which, which would make sense if he hadn't been telling me for the past forever that he just wouldn't date me because he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. How did he go from I love you but I'm not ready for anything serious to please have my babies or we're done in merely

and matter in a matter of literally two weeks. Is he just fucking with me? Is he lying to let me down easy? Is he a sociopath with no human emotions that thrives by drinking the tears of women? Help. Fucking brownie face. Did you write fucking brownie face? I put fucking but there was a friend. I love that. So what do you think? 25 year old men are just the same as 15 year old men. Oh, you think it's young as young? I was a shit bag when I was 25 years old. Do you think he has a shit bag? Not a shit bag but he doesn't know what he wants. What man at 25 does? Yeah, I think he like heard some heard one thing he didn't want to hear from her. Like he's imagining some weird future where he's like

has kids and she's like I don't know if I want to have kids and then he like let that seep in and freak him out. So my I mean personally to her I say go to White Livesville just be like actually you know what I do want to have kids. That's all you have to say. You don't say I want to have your kids. There's like lions. Well she says he's pissed because she said I don't know if I want to have kids and now he's like I need someone who definitely knows that she wants to have kids. Right, so just be like okay fine I definitely want to have kids. Doesn't it seem like she's she would just it sounds like she's just placating him just to see what he would say. Yeah. It sounds obviously fake. It's completely placating

but I mean you can sell it. But I think this guy is making it up. I think the second thing is true where he said is he lying to me to let me down easy. I think that's what it is. That's insane. I'm a piece of shit and I would never say to a girl I want to have kids and you don't so we're done. Yeah but this is fucking batch of crazy. Right but people are batch of crazy. But people I think girls especially think that guys are kind of like simple. They have like three needs and that's all they want. But this guy probably he could just be like kind of an over thinker. You think he's actually breaking up with her because she doesn't know if she wants kids. She might want to it might not. If he's an

indecision guy. Right. If he's a guy that's indecision because that's clearly what's happening because he doesn't want to be in the relationship or not. He's like I don't know where we are but we're not we're fucking but let's just I mean let's be exclusive but I'm not you're not my girlfriend. That's kind of the just I get. And then he gets this. He's probably like a panicker. He likes to have a good panic. He's a panic. He's a panic. He's a panic man. He likes a good comapart. You know what I'm saying. He loves a good comapart. And to this girl I say you don't want to be a panic man. You want to be with a man who makes decisions and makes choices and knows what he wants. Oh shit. Your mother fucking ass needs to

be dead in all the man. Yeah. You got a you got a you are going to have a panic motherfuckers kids. No man. Yo man what happened when that fool need to pick up that fool from that little fool from a soccer game. He going to freak out a motherfucker car. He's never fucking panicking motherfuckers kids you sperm they're all banging against your eggs. Do I do I do I do I do I do I don't have to do. Oh shit I. No. Oh you think the sperm is indecisive. I think the sperm's indecisive as well. Yeah. I think it's goes... Sperm. Sperm don't know where it'll go up in. The sperm doesn't come apart. You know what I'm saying. Sperm having to come apart. Getting inside that little egg. The embryo saying hell no I don't want to be

up here. Oh no. I want to die like my brother. Oh no. Asalaamu alaykum. I say I do yes sir. What happened? Everyone has nosebleeds at the same time. I really I think that he does like overthink. He's like I don't know if I want to be in a relationship. I love you. I don't know if I love you and now he's like he's like fuck it fine. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna really do it and I really love you and will you have my kids and she's like yo I don't know and then he's like oh fuck what am I doing. Yeah. Oh you know what this could be tough love. Tough love. Band-aid time. He may not. He may not want to be with you. Yeah that's what I'm saying. He totally is grasping at anything that he can say. That's insane.

No guy. No but it's a subconscious thing. It contributes to his indecision. If you love someone you want to be with them you're not indecisive. I'm sorry. I think all guys as sexist as it is. I think all guys in their minds sort of believe even if not outwardly but like deep down girls want to have children. So I would never ever as an excuse to break up with someone be like I want to have kids and you don't because that's so dangerous. Well this girl could easily just be like you're right I do want to have kids. I've got maternal instincts they're starting to kick in. I'm down to have kids. He should say something like anything else. But daddy we don't know the conversation that they had. She could have

been really adamant. It's her from her point of view. That's true. She could have been really adamant. She's like I'm probably leaning towards now. I've never ever met a guy who was like I can't be with this girl because she doesn't want to have kids. If they wanted to be boyfriend girlfriend yeah when you say it lets you be boyfriend girlfriend you can't help but look into the future. But it's never the girl who is like I don't want to have kids. Yeah it is. It is. When. No. I've run up against it. I don't even believe it. Would you be with someone if they never wanted to have kids. You call me a liar dude. No no hey no stop the podcast. Stop ripping my hoodie off like we're in a hockey fight. You know

what where's my Instagram. I'm going to fucking block you. What do you want to do here dudes. Yo man. What do you want to do here penis. Oh curses. Fuck you. If I yeah if I was like well first of all I would never say to a girl like I want to have kids. I'm with this girl who's like right it's that's insane to talk about any of that shit so early on but I mean I think it's insane to base if you're 23 he's 25 and you just are getting into a relationship and you guys are like ten months of fucking dude ten months of fucking but but to be like I don't know if we should do this anymore because you don't know if you want to have kids and I know I do like don't write it off that early. Well that's the thing that's why

I think it's an excuse because she didn't say I don't want to have kids which is more understandable for the guy to be like all right let's pump the brakes right now because I do want to have kids she just said I maybe do I maybe don't he's like that's also not good enough for me we're through it's clearly he just doesn't like her anymore. No I think I think I don't know. He hasn't had a problem before saying like I love you but I'm not ready for a relationship. Because it was just about casual stuff and it's not as if he's wanting to have kids it's just that's serious conversations. She shouldn't have to and she shouldn't have to be like oh maybe I'll have kids maybe I'll have kids no no no you stand

by your convictions you be you girl if you don't know you want to have kids you don't know you want to have kids don't change if I know me. Here's a bigger. That's true I'm more general piece of advice if a guy doesn't know if he wants to be with you don't be with him you only want to be with someone who's like actively rooting and fighting. And that's actually what we were talking about before I think in the last episode is you gotta have self-respect you gotta respect yourself. Never ever wait around for somebody to decide that's true that's a hundred percent true yeah whatever the fuck I was saying before about lying to him. I'm with you guys now. I've heard the truth. I've heard the truth

and I've learned the air of my ways. We're both seizing. We're seizing on the ground. Help me. The raccoon is coming out of your chest dude. Seriously. Okay oh it's like ringing in the room it's so loud. You know when you yell loud and you hear it ring and then you're like was that too loud. Yeah it's definitely too loud but it was just right at the same but we're all we're all we all agree. Yeah self-respect is key man. Yep so tell him like all right yo this is who I am if you don't know if you want to be with me then fuck off because I'm because indecision is a decision honestly yeah because yo like sell send some like selfies to us and we'll deem if you're like you know like a hot chick and you got

chances like other guys. All right yo that's what's up like if he hollers let him go like my shit was like on the Eenie meenie miney motip like like forget that shit. Eenie meenie miney motip. That's like a Meenie and I'm Meenie. Her high knee grows. Catch her. Catch her. Oh no yes I say what do you want. I'm going around. How good are you at musical improv Tommy boy. No this is perfect. This is everything I could have wanted. I gotta bring it back. I gotta bring it back because my joke version of send pics is like that's a joke version but the real facts are you're 23. She's 23. She can find lots of dudes man. That's what's up. There's plenty of dumb dudes but there's pretty cool dudes. Just fucking

but don't compromise. I mean don't compromise. Don't compromise yourself. That's big. That's beautiful. I'm gonna we have to end on that. It's point units touching it's true and I'm hungry for sushi with you guys so I want to do that now. Great. It was fun. Was this as fun as last one. I had just as much fun. Yeah. Let's have them maybe they'll comment say it was 80 percent as fun. Or maybe they'll say it was it was twice as fun. Yeah 200% put that positivity out there too. I like it. Okay. All right. That's it. Ice creams for everybody. That's it. Pretty cool dad right. Yeah. Pretty cool old man huh. Not so gassy anymore. What are you talking about dad. Well I had a surgery. That's why I was away

for two weeks. I didn't actually go to Atlanta. What happened was Dr. Seidenstein put a little blade up my. You want to listen to Tyler put a little blade up my. Your friend Brett was here a lot while you were gone daddy. Yeah Brett was what I'm sorry who. I don't know Brett. He was wrestling mommy. God damn it. Hold on. And see. Honey. Nothing closes the laptop. Full circle. The sins. Is there a Simpsons Sims a Simpsons. Maybe it may be a mod. Plug your show one last time for everybody. Silicon Valley HBO right after Game of Thrones and if you miss it there's a thing called HBO Go and it rules. Yeah you can watch any HBO show ever. Thanks again for coming back. Okay. We very much so appreciate it. Oh you know we didn't even give the proper

shout outs to the guy Chris Guerra who wrote the opening theme song and if you have a theme song or a question of your own you can email us at ifirishow at gmail.com. That's it. This last outro song is sort of a cool what's it called when like you just sample our dialogue over music a remix. Yeah remix this guy named Chris Leggett made a remix of our show to to close us out. So thanks again to Tom. Thanks to you guys for listening. Let's play us out with Chris Leggett's remix. Thank you. Let's get started. I'm Amir. And I'm Jay. If I were you show at gmail.com these are people in difficult places. How dare you sir. How dare you. But I thought I thought these things sometimes don't have any symptoms. Are you kidding me. Me doing this don't man. That's dope. So

how does this podcast work. All due respect Miss Portman. I do have dips here. No no no don't get me wrong this girl is a stone cold criminal. You goon. What happened. Say hey man are you doing read fire you fucking daughter. So for those of you who have never heard this show before you can turn it off now. Yeah. Oh don't. I think they believe it. It's all babe don't worry. I fucked this girl but it was at a party and there were 30 people around. You're swastin on her low so I feel. What's the theme of the theme. So this is sweet again. We ain't a drug. It's from the earth. If I were you. She's pressuring you to do fucking with it. I really think I need a frickin lobotomy.

He just doesn't hold his crack well. I'm nervous. God forbid we get to the questions. Nice.