If I Were You - 72: Gifts

Episode Date: April 14, 2014

In this episode we discuss how to pleasure women physically, and men emotionally.This episode is brought to you by CombatGent.com -- Tailored suits starting at $160! Use coupon code "jakeandamir" and get a free tie with any purchase: http://bit.ly/1ezhbTNSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I were you, if I were you, I hope you won't do anything that I wouldn't do, I wouldn't do, and if you were me, if you were me, you'd let your kind of mirror decide how it ought to be. Very nice. I love it. It's good, you force yourself to laugh, you force yourself to smile, you feel happy even when you're not. Yeah, I'm happy because my face is curved. My brain thinks I'm happy because I'm smiling, I tricked it. I tricked my brain. My brain tricked itself, and you think about it?

Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Fuck, I'm frowning. I'm depressed. Oh, no. I'm sad. Oh, no.

I hate my life. Hey, that was Eric Striffler. Striffler? Yeah, in his email he said, like, Stiffler from American Pie. Nice. And then he said his dad's name was Steve Striffler. That's pretty cool. Which is Stiffler's name in American Pie.

Wow. So, I don't know, unfortunate name, but a great song. Unfortunately, I think it's a cool name. Steve Striffler? Yeah. Striffler? Striffler. Yeah.

Your name is Amir Shmuel. Enough, dude, with my fucking blast. All right. People know my name. You're putting Striffler on blast. Yeah, I don't know what else to say. Thank you to Eric for submitting that theme song. Yeah, we appreciate it.

The name of the show is If I Were You. Damn right. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And actually, you know what? I think I'm just starting introducing myself before you. Excuse you.

Yeah. We'll just try it again. The only advice podcast on the internet. Hosted by us. I'm Jake. I hate that. Why? Because it's forced.

It's written. Is that forced? Yeah, it's too scripted. It's too scripted the way it is. We've been doing it the same way. I know. Yeah, 70 episodes. I don't want to keep it going.

Okay. I try to say do it one more time. I already did it. I already did it twice. It's fine. I just really think that I deserve to be introduced first. Why? Because.

You do so little. Yeah. Yeah. That's why, like, I get to do this one thing. Like you, you reach out to the advertisers. You record. You listen to the audio. You post.

Right. And I don't even introduce myself first. Of course. I don't even say hand. You say because of that. It's the least I can do. Yeah. No.

You're already doing the least you could do. I think that's good. The least you could do is to take credit first. You're actually doing second place right now. No, that's because that's doing something. That's me being active. And I don't want to be passive in this process anymore. So I think I'm going to take the initiative.

I'm going to introduce myself first. This is how you're going to assert yourself? Yeah. I think that's time that I introduced myself. Not helping. For you. Okay. All right.

That's fair. We'll change it going forward. Thank you. So you want to explain how the show works? No. I'm just, I think introducing myself first will be. Okay. So yeah.

I'll still do the explanation. Do you want me to do the explanation? I mean, I, I'm already tired from introducing myself first. It's all an uphill battle here. At this point. So how does the show work? You guys are in sticky situations. You got your problems.

We got some answers. You're going to email us in your questions and we're going to do our best to advise you. What's that email address? If I were you show at gmail.com. That's right. That's right. So let's get started.

Let's start answering some questions. These are real emails from real people, but we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Very good. Thank you. This is not a fucking quiz show. So don't do that shit. Sorry.

Don't stop talking and then point to me. I hate it. It's like condescending. You have a bad attitude today. I'm not your dog. So far. And, and Jake, what's that email address? Like, yo, I, I, I'm my own fucking person.

All right. I'll say things the way I want to say. Four minutes. You've, you've complained that you've been introduced second. I should be paid more. What? It's an even split right now. That's not fair for either of us.

It's an even split. That's not fair for either of us. I think you know. I think I don't. So what, what fake names can we give these? Oh, I was thinking today, actually, um, the Brady Bunch. I don't know if we can name all the members, but. I can name all the members for sure.

Great. You got Bobby Peter. Um, well, don't ruin it. Okay. You're right. Jan Marcia. Stop it, buddy. Greg.

Quit it, man. And then be Davis is Alice. Jesus Christ. I asked you to stop. What was the dog's name though? Oh, what was the dog's name? Check question. They never had a dog.

Did they not? I don't know. I feel like they did have a dog. I don't think they did. Every, every sitcom in the seventies and eighties had a dog. I'm going to Google, did the Brady's have a dog? Yeah, please. Please let me know.

Did the Brady. Oh, wow. A lot of, uh, did the Brady's. Bone each other. Did the Brady's bunch really sing? Did the Brady Bunch have two dads? Two dads. Oh, because the wife was remarried.

Wait, what was the dog's name? Um, the, it doesn't say that they had a dog. Wait. Oh, tiger. Oh yeah. That makes sense. Okay. All right.

Tiger. Well, let's start with that name. Tiger. Tiger writes. Hey guys, love the show. So I've been messaging this girl on Tinder, a total smoke show with a bang and bod. Definitely the hottest girl I've matched with to date. Things were going pretty good until we started talking about school.

When she said she wants to apply for college, but she doesn't have the money for an application fee. It's like a hundred bucks. She then asked if I could help her pay the fee to which I responded by saying I'd love to help if she wasn't a complete stranger. She then said, and I quote, yeah, but I can be a lot more than a stranger to you. So basically this girl is trying to get me to pay her money, which is obviously bad. But a part of me can't help but think about what it would be like to go along with it and potentially fuck this really hot girl for $95. Would that be paying for sex or would it be her paying with sex?

Either way, it sounds like bad news and there's probably a very small chance that it would even lead to fucking, but I still wonder any advice on how to deal with this situation would be great. Thanks, tiger. Tiger. Tiger. Tiger, tiger burning bright. What? I don't, uh, yeah, right? You could just, if he has $95 that he wants to spend.

Yeah, it's like a, it's like playing the lottery. You're going to throw it away probably, but uh. It's roulette, yeah. Yeah. Well, here's another way to look at it. This is not a hot girl. This is a guy who's extorting money from him. Right.

And I would say that's such a high probability it's not even worth gambling. Oh, yeah. Well. There's no way this is a hot girl who actually needs money for a college application and even more so, there's no way that she'll fuck you if you do give her money. That didn't occur to me, but like. Yeah, this is a scam. On Tinder, the bots are, or like the scams are, you know, just weird cam girls being like,

go to my live site so you can watch me strip for you. But you wouldn't fall for that. But what you might fall for is a hot girl who chats with you and then says she needs money for a good cause. This is why you should say let's meet up in person and I'll give you the check. Oh, that's good. See how she reacts to that, which I guarantee will be. No, I don't want to meet up with you. I'm actually a guy.

I'm a robot. A girl who's trying to take money from people. That's fair. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what else to say other than I'm so certain this is a scam, but let's say it's not a scam. It's funny that he's like, I really am curious about this. I know it's a bad idea, but still I wonder.

I know, man. That's how much guys want to fuck hot girls. Of course. They're like, I will throw $100 into the air and 99 times out of 100 nothing will happen. But just the fact that there's a 1% chance makes me want to at least give it a shot. Yeah. But that's why these types of scams work. Because even the promise of something that you know almost 100% isn't true, you would still go for it.

Because the odds, the probability of you coming inside of a hot woman's vagina. Not necessarily coming inside. You relax right there. What? Well, because she might not want you to come inside her. Oh. You might need to be wearing a condom. Well, I guess it's still technically coming inside.

Or you might need to pull out. Yeah. So I just don't want to get anyone too excited. Yeah. You mean? Okay. So even the probability of making out. I don't have sex with someone with a condom on and coming them or no condom and pull out.

I think I differ from you in this opinion. Because you'd rather use a condom. Yeah. Weirdo. I don't hate condoms as much as you do. I don't hate condoms. Yes, I do. Everyone should wear them.

No, yeah. Everyone should. I don't hate the way they feel as much as you do. Yeah. No, I don't like it. Yeah. I don't like it. All right, moving on.

You would rather do the opposite, right? Yes. How does it work when you, like how close do you get when you pull out? Usually four seconds after I came. Wow, bad attitude. No, I, you just pull out a limp noodle and be like, ready? I just, yeah, you pull out like the second before. The second before?

Yeah. That's so risky. No, it's not. You know when it's going to come. So does that mean when you pull out, do you have to then use your hand to like finish it off? No, I usually pull out like. As it's coming. No, just before.

So it's so close that you pull it out, but you're ejaculating without any like hand stimulus? Yeah. I don't need to like jerk off. Sometimes I'll like grip it tightly and that will be enough or like I'll put it back like, like, you know, on somebody's butt cheeks or the top part of their vagina. Right. Like even that little bit of friction will send it over the edge. And then there's just a clean up.

Yeah, just, but like that's like any sex. If you're wearing a condom, there's clean up. No, there's not. It's the, it's a container. You have to take, but you have to like take it out. You have to dispose of the condom. And it's all located within a nice clean receptacle that you can then peel off your dick and throw away.

Well, that's still, that's not necessarily true. It's, it's not that clean removing a condom. Yeah, it is. There's fluid on the outside and on the inside. Then there's fluid all over your dick. Your dick smells like, smells like sperm side. You're making it sound like, I think everyone should use condoms. Definitely.

But you're making it sound like a glorious little utopia. Obviously. It's all messy. Everyone should use condoms, but you're making it, you're overplaying it a little bit. You're trying to. I just don't want some disillusioned youth to, to think you lied to them and then reject condoms forever. I'm letting you know.

They're not the perfect receptacle. Helmets are cool. That Amir says they are. Yeah. All right. It's like when you're bike riding, helmets are cool, but it's actually pretty tight. Not to wear one sometimes. Obviously that's not safe.

Not ideal. It's supposed to wear a helmet, but they're uncomfortable and ugly and bad. And actually riding a bike doesn't feel quite as good when you have a helmet on. You're a bad sex educator. Fuck. I know. All right. Well, that's everyone should listen.

I think we make it out pretty clear on the show that everyone should listen to you and not me, right? Yeah. All right. Cool. But unless we're doing it in a way that is like, hey, listen to, listen to Goofus, not Gallant over here. And then everyone's like, no, I want to be like the other guy.

No. Yeah. By saying, listen to me, we're thus making me uncool and then people will listen to you. Shit. What are you going to do? Quit the podcast. Did we give this guy advice? Oh yeah.

I said it's a scam. I think it might, I would definitely not just send her money blindly. I'm saying you should meet up with her and give her the money. That's a good advice. Say I want to meet up with you. And then he just goes to a coffee shop and gets jumped getting hit at his car. Can you imagine? He gets to a coffee shop and it's a hot girl, an 18 year old hot girl who needs the application.

Thank you so much. I'm really crossing my fingers that Dartmouth will let me in. Really? You're applying to colleges in April. How does that work? A lot of people have already heard by now. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm a little late. No, you're not a little late. You're seven months late or six months early. Can I blow you? I'll blow you for $100. Yeah. You're getting scammed. I don't know what to say.

So do I. All right. Next question. Yeah. This one is pretty real. Okay. Let's call him Peter Brady. All right, Peter.

Christopher McKnight, I believe his real name is. Didn't he go to jail? Peter Brady? Yeah. Yeah, probably. Cool. You follow enough kid actors around and odds are one of them will have gone to jail. You do follow a lot of kid actors around.

Yeah. I actually stalked Eve Plum who played Jan for six years. You dated Taryn Noah Smith from low improvement, right? The youngest. Yeah, the one who became so goth they had to write it into the show. Yeah. Is that true? Did he become goth and then they wrote it into the show?

I think that was that just a character. It seems like it was too natural to be a character. I feel like that must have just been the way he was showing up to set. Yeah. Like the writers were like, let's write it into the show. Yeah. Not like he was like, I'm not going to take off my black jeans. And they're like, fuck, we have to write it into the show.

I bet they could be like, yes, you are. Take off your black, what's it called? Nail polish. Your black nail polish and your eye shadow. Your skull ring. That was like a thing that was happening to lots of kids back in that day too. So it was like a relevant thing for the new incorporated to the show. You dated Taryn Noah Smith.

All right. Yep. Peter writes, I've recently started talking to this girl and let me tell you she's making me earn that booty. Unlike most of our listeners, I wouldn't say she's a smoke show per se, but she is a relative smoke show for a man of my station, a loser and a dweeb. I let her copy my homework all the time and have even wrote a three page essay for her that got an A minus.

Before you say anything, yes, I'm aware that she is most likely using me and doesn't care for me at all, but I still appreciate the contact and attention in some weird fucked up way. Also, part of me thinks that if I hang out with her long enough, she might get to know me better and appreciate me. I'm all for working for it, but at this point, it feels like she's making me toil, grovel and beg. There are no other girls that show even a remote interest in me.

What should I do? Love, Peter Brady. Huh. This is kind of a cool question. Why? Because it has many layers. One, you're like, don't let this hot girl take advantage of you. She's just using you for your brain.

Right. But then it makes me think, girls can be attracted to lots of parts of people. Why not have this interesting exchange where you help her academically by writing her essay and then she shows you affection? It's a mutually beneficial- Is he saying that she's showing him affection? Yeah. He says he likes the constant intention.

Or he appreciates the contact and attention in a weird fucked up way. That is kind of weird. It's mutually beneficial. The only bad thing that's happening is that he's doing her homework and thus she's not learning. Right. But that's a small price to pay for contact and attention. It's not mutually beneficial because he's like, he feels, I guess he, I see what you're saying. Yeah.

I see what you're saying. Like if I was this kid's parents, I'd be like, hey, don't do this hot girl's homework, she's using you. But as his friend, I'm like, you know, use what you got. You're good at something and you're using it to get attention. Three-page essay, though. I think I see what you're saying. That's not very long.

You have to draw the line because she's not going to actually, even though you can justify it in your brain like that, to the greater society and probably to this girl, she's taking advantage of him. She's like, oh, look, I'm nice to Peter Brady and then he does my homework. He's a fucking loser. And all the other girls who are ignoring you at least aren't abusing you and using you. So they're your friends. This girl's a demon bitch.

And I think you should be like, fuck off. I do my own homework. You don't get to benefit from my brain. But before you said, in another podcast back in the day or maybe recently said, Wow. I can't believe you're going to do this show. Yeah. I'm going to just bludgeon up the past.

Episode 43. Like I have a fucking affidavit. My being cross-examined. Do you recall during episode 43? Sir, I believe you said. Would you read this transcript back to me? If it pleases the court. If it pleases the court here.

I just want to please the court. All I want to do is please you court. Come on, court. Are you pleased? Are you not pleased with this? I do. I do for you, court. Court, I'm begging you, court.

So, didn't you say if you hate someone, the best way to get back at them is to fuck them? Yes, I did say that. But he's not going to fuck this girl. But he might if he continues doing her homework. That's not going to happen. No girl fucks the guy that does her homework. He's doing it without her fucking him.

What you need to do if you really, really want that is to quit it cold turkey. She's going to miss it. She's going to be like, What do I need to do to get you to do the homework? And then you're like, well, it's nice when you talk to me, but it'd be real nice if you outfrenched me. And then she says, excuse me, Peter Brady, that's solicitation. And then you say, what was it before, bitch?

What was it before? It was a smile and a pat on the back, right? Well, now I just upped the ante. To what? It's still solicitation. But now I want to be blown. If it pleases the court. It doesn't please the court.

I don't think it's healthy for him to just do her homework. I think that's negative, bad. I think it's a downward spiral. I think this girl deserves to be fucked, but I don't think he's doing it the right way. If you were him, what would you do? If I were him, I would start smoking cigarettes, start going to the gym, buy like a Camaro or something.

So one really unhealthy thing, one healthy thing, and then wasting his money. I would say the Camaro thing is neutral. OK. But you got to become the coolest guy at school. At the very least, the coolest guy in an 80s high school. My cool guy at high school in Vegas. You don't actually have to smoke the cigarettes,

just sort of roll them up in your sleeves so you got the pack there. You can even use a deck of cards. What's your address? I'd like to send you a jeans jacket. You mean a denim jacket? Jeans. The jacket made a jean. So not a denim.

Yeah. It just actually made out of jeans. Jeans jacket. Two jeans. Yeah. Yeah, sewn together to make a jacket. Two jeans for the price of fun. I think you should just stop doing your homework.

I think you should surround yourself with positivity. And this isn't positive. She's asking you to do work for free, and what you're getting is her company, which isn't her doing any work. She's not actually bringing anything to the table. It's a raw deal. She should appreciate you for you.

That's very fucking optimistic. Yes. Very Brady bunch of you. It's sunny every day here in LA. Here's the fucking real cold hard truth. Bend over because I'm about to stick it in your ass like a suppository. Are you talking to this kid or me?

Whatever. Because either way, you're going to shut up right now. Either way, this is illegal. All right, go ahead. Give the kid a suppository. Keep doing her homework. Insane. Keep doing her homework.

That's the advantage you have over her. This is when we need to follow up pups. We should email this guy, like our actual email addresses, and be like, we want to know what's going on in a month. Because we're giving opposite advice. I want to know who's he followed and how it worked. And then when you give her the homework, do it in a nice romantic way.

Hey, let's go to the park and I can give it to you. Let's have dinner and I can discuss it with you. Suddenly, she's forced to go on dates with you. And like he said, maybe this way, she'll grow to appreciate him more. She's going to give him the time of day that she wouldn't if he didn't have a great brain. And you know what? Girls can be attracted to a guy's brain. This guy's maybe not great looking,

or as he calls himself, a loser and a dweeb. But he does have one thing going for him. He can write three page papers that give girls A-mini. Minus isn't that good? Yeah. Is that a 91? Well, you write three A-mini paper and then suddenly you're... It's 91?

Yeah, 91's great. I think you should start writing your papers to give her a B. Oh. And then she's like, hey, this paper's pretty good. I only got a B. I mean, I can get you the A. But you know what's weighing me down is two ounces of cum in my balls. Yeah.

I'm suing you. Excuse me. I say stop doing your homework. Amir says keep doing it. Let's see what happens. Please. Follow up, Mr. Peter Brady. Let's get to one more question before the breaky break. Classic break.

Hey guys. Oh wait, we need a guy. Bobby? Greg. Greg Brady. Barry Williams writes. It's enough. Sorry.

Hey guys, more specifically Jake. What's up? What's up? What's up? Do you guys have any tips on pussy licking and fingering? I need to maximize the pleasure for the recipient. Cheers. Turn off the podcast, mom.

Thanks. Love, Greg. I need to. Yeah, we get how oral sex works. I need to. Any advice for oral sex that would actually maximize pleasure for the recipient? I'm okay taking a knee or staying neutral in terms of pleasure. I just want to give.

A sacrificial clam if you will. Nice. Thank you. Nice. Mom, do turn off the podcast. I'm going to give you five full seconds because I know sometimes you're driving. Yeah. So just keep your eyes on the road.

Find your phone. Even if you just press the volume button until it's gone. Yeah. Give you a few more seconds, mom. Fade me out to black. All right. I love you. Yeah.

Tell Nanda that I said hello. Oh, God. Talk about your grandfather before your pussy eating tips. All right. Now here's how it works. I like how we're just stripping everything away at this point. Every question is sort of like, how do I help attract someone to the other sex? And then this guy's like, how do I eat a pussy?

How can I eat a pussy good? And this is my time to shine. Yeah. I'm going to just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. All right, buddy. Here we go. This is what we're going to do. Oh, Jake's taking off his pants.

I mean, there's a couple of ways to do this. Well, is the advice the same for cunnilingus and fingering? Or do you have different advice for each? I think, well, I guess it's similar advice across the board. I'm just going to tell you, you want to start out gently. I think you, everybody's different. So we're going to go down. We're going to use just your middle finger.

Okay? So you are above, you're on the mom's penis. This is so scientific. I think you're going to want to be, if you're lying down, try to use your dominant hand is what I'm saying. You want to get her flat on her back so her legs can be spread comfortably. So you're not like tearing a pubic hair or like fidgeting to try to find a hole. You're going to want to just go down middle finger past the pubic bone, the pelvic bone. You're going to hit the clit first with your middle finger.

And just keep on going down. At this point, if you guys are doing, if it's during foreplay, I'd imagine the vagina is wet. You might want to get a little bit of the moisture from the hole and sort of... Go to the well. Yeah, go to the well, bring water back to the town. Exactly what it is. And once it's wet sufficiently, you're going to want to wet, just make sure that there's some moisture on the labia, on the clitoris, and then you're going to enter slowly with just your middle finger.

Enter. Oh, go back to the well. And I'm going to sort of... I wish I... This should be a video podcast. Yeah. No, it should not. Touch the roof of the vagina.

Just sort of massage that. Yeah. And I would... If the vagina is a room, you want to hit the light bulb. Right. Perfect. Okay. So this is where...

I think that's how you should start it roughly every time. Now, this is where the advice gets less specific. Everyone is different. Uh-huh. So I think if you start off gently and slow, just see what's doing well, then you just go with that. So if you start speeding up a little bit and she enjoys that, then keep that up. All right. But if she seems to enjoy more the slow aspect, then do that.

If you can... If you feel like there's room and you want to put your ring finger in. Oh. See if she likes that. But if it doesn't seem... Just try to feel her energy. So it's just based on her moaning. Yeah.

Her moaning, her breathing, or very subtle, but like the stopping of moaning. Oh, that's bad. And like looking at her eyes, maybe they're shut, but maybe you like see like a little discomfort and you're like, oh, not that anymore. And then when you're going down on her, I think it's nice to keep your fingers in there. I think it's nice to grip her thighs tightly and just massage the clit with your tongue. Uh-huh. It's different to the well as you called it before.

Sometimes you want to go even south and get a little crack in there. But also like, you know, play with your fingers in there. I just do what feels appropriate for her. What do you... Right now you're looking at your thumb or your middle finger and your ring finger as one. Right. So these are... This is sort of like a little...

What would you call this? What I'm doing right now? Like a dog puppet almost? Yeah. Like where your index finger and pinky are ears. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's like the love sign.

The rock and roll thing. The rock and roll, yeah. I would just like kind of bring them in and out very slowly twisting so your knuckles can kind of like give a little bit of sensation to the vaginal open. So you're almost treating your two fingers together as a flat bumpy peen. Yeah. And essentially that's it. I do think you should massage the clit.

Yeah. I think girls like different ways of like, you know, some people like speed. Some people like it slow. Some people like it, you know, firmly press on people like it light. It really is just a matter of what she seems to like. And I think it's fine if you don't nail it on the first time. It's just if this is a vagina that you get to keep on re-entering, then like time will give you a master.

Your turn. All right. Three, three bits of crushed ice underneath the tongue at all times just to keep your just to keep your tongue cool and stiff. Hell yeah. Yeah. Like an icicle. And then you know how you do like a chicken head.

Oh yeah. Like a chicken neck. Like a woodpecker. Yeah, exactly. So you're using your icicle tongue to sort of stab not necessarily. Never say stab. But wherever. You're talking about a vagina.

Don't ever. Yeah. Stabbings always. And if she says, ow, ow, ow. Suddenly she's interested. Okay. She's at the very least like curious because you know a lot of times. When was the last time you ate someone out?

I'd never eaten someone out. I've eaten next to someone. No, I think, yeah, what Jake said sounds good to me. And we both agree those are our Jake and Amir's cunnilingus tips coming at you. Cunnilingus. Yeah. Yeah. Let's let that sink in and bleed into our brain.

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I don't have as much as you can. Okay. Seattle, Washington. You're going to be there. You're just on Seattle's Wikipedia page. Great news, guys. Chief exports are fuck. God damn it.

Population. No. Founded in 1863, I think by Indian. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Spokane, Washington. Seattle, Washington. We are performing at the Vera project. The doors are at seven.

The show's at eight. On what day? Thursday, April 24th. All right. Okay. Portland, Oregon. Yep. Hawthorne Theater.

Oh. Friday, April 25th. Doors at seven. Show at eight. That'll be a fun drive from Seattle to Portland. Love that. Yeah. Lovely drive.

San Fran Chisco. Oh. California. Yay. Our first show. Getting excited now. Yeah. Sean Fran Krishkra.

What? California. Oh. The rickshaw stop. Door Sunday. April 27th. Sunday, April 27th. Doors at 7.30.

Show at eight. So we're still, tickets are still available. These are not huge rooms. So get them while they're not. Get them while they're not. All of the ticketing and info is available at collegehumor.com slash chontour. Or at jaconamere.com. Oh.

We hope to see you there. We're gonna stick around and meet and take photos with every fan after the show who wants to stick around. All right. It's gonna be awesome. Yeah. It'll be fun. It'll be good.

It'll be great. Oh, and Streeter's gonna be with us. What? You didn't. Yeah. I didn't agree to that. Fucker coming on my tour. Your tour?

My three day fucking bender dude. What are you talking about? I'm going on a three day bender man. I don't even care if I perform or not. Of course you should care. Seattle. Portland. San Fran Chisky.

That should be the only thing you care about. Satan Frisky and San Fran Chisky and Portland. I think we need more land. Why? Because more land is there for me to go around and drink at. Seattle, how about you go into a pee battle? I drank so much beer that I could piss for a year. I'm out.

Well, we still have another question to get through. All right. Yeah. Let's please. This is a good one. Our first female Brady name that we need. Can you name a female? Let's give it to Alice, the unsung hero of the Brady Bunch.

She wasn't part of the family, but she was so close to everyone. I think she was basically considered a second mother. I remember. Got it. Just read the question. Everyone is aware on this show of how much you love the Brady Bunch. You said you named every actor who played each kid. You named all of the characters up top, except for the dog.

Yeah. All right. We get it. You love the Brady Bunch. That's not good. It's almost 1 p.m. and you're in pajamas. Yesterday, he said it was 5 p.m. and I was in pajamas. He said I was in the exact same pajamas.

Did you get out of pajamas all day? Oh, you went on a run. Yeah. All right. Good man. This coming from a man who ate McDonald's for dinner yesterday. That's not fair. Yeah.

That is not fair. I was literally at the pot calling the kettle unhealthy. Okay. You reached a raw pot. I didn't call you unhealthy. You called me lazy at the very least. I was stuck at the mall and I needed to eat. When I texted you and said I was going to get a salad from a restaurant, Silver Lake,

and you said, no, I'm good. I'm just going to chill at the mall. Had you already eaten McDonald's? I was on my way to eat McDonald's. Oh, no, I think I had just eaten McDonald's. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I did. But you didn't want to tell me.

Because that would be admitting to reaching rock bottom. Yeah. Yeah. It was a sad moment for me. You said that you were hunched over eating your crispy chicken sandwich, shoveling fries in your mouth, and you said, if a Jake and Amir fan locked up to you at that moment, you didn't know how you'd react. Yeah, I wouldn't say I wasn't me.

I would say I'm doing a video right now. That's another example of how you, the real human is a lot like my character on the show in terms of really just poor eating habits, essentially. Would you constantly say you're going to change, but never do? I'm going to change it today. I'm actually eating healthy today. For breakfast, did you have anything other than an iced cream coffee and croissant, or is that what you had again?

I had that for breakfast, but it's good to carve up in the beginning of the day. Not for the rest of the day working it off. Idiot. What a fucking question. Alice writes, hey guys, here's my sitch. So I'm currently doing a study abroad semester in Paris, and I'm having a French ass fun time. As much as y'all don't condone this sort of behavior, I've been dating the same guy since my freshman year of college, and we decided to do the whole long distance thing while I'm away.

Currently, still no regrets, as most French guys are way too femme for me, and I really do love my boyfriend. Anyway, he's coming to visit me for a week in Europe, coinciding with our anniversary. Given the length of the trek he's making, and the anniversary, I feel compelled to give him the best fucking present imaginable. However, I'm still a college student, blowing my parents' dimes on overpriced French food, and can't really afford to break bank. I'm wondering if you guys could provide any suggestions for a really cool and thoughtful present, in the $50 to $100 price range, that most any dude would enjoy and probably have use for. P.S., I'm also open to any suggestions for wild sexual fantasies I could fulfill as a bonus gift. But keep in mind, we're a seasoned couple who's tried most things, i.e. anal,

so it would need to be something that guys are too afraid to ask for. Toda in advance for any recommendations. Peace, Alice. Interesting. So she's abroad, her boy is coming to visit her on the anniversary, and she doesn't know what gift to get him. She doesn't want to fuck up, or get him something bad. Yes. And she's down for a sexy bonus gift. Yeah.

Which by the way, that's the gift. Yeah, the hat that you get him is... That's the bonus gift. Yeah. And also, you can have anal again. Yeah, that's a good gift. That's the gift that keeps on giving. Feel free to re-gift it.

Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. So let's just say anal and a sweater. Yeah. Perfect. Or anal and scarf.

Anal and shoes. Yeah, or two anals. Two anals. That way you're getting anal, and then one of the anal is a bonus gift. Morning anal, followed by evening anal, and in the middle you take them for a falafel. A single falafel ball. Yeah. At one of those Parisian restaurants that are so good at...

Very European. Yeah, very hot, very chic, very French. We're talking twelfth all on the small falafel or something like that. Here's the thing. Anniversaries are stressful, you said, because unlike birthdays, it's a duel. Yes. So it's like, who can give the other person a gift? Right, it's competitive.

It's me. Right. It's not a happy, healthy, positive experience for anyone. It's like, I'm going to get you the better gift. Oh, fuck, you're going to get me the better gift. I got to outgift you. Yeah. I'm going to break rule and spend too much money, and then you're going to give me a gift,

and I'm going to feel bad that I didn't spend as much money, and you're going to feel bad that you spent too much money, and it's just negative all around. It's bad. Anniversaries suck. Gifts are terrible. At least a birthday is like, I can stress about it alone, and I don't have to worry about this. It's not compounded by the fact that you're going to get me a gift too, and who's going

to be better? Well, girls are at a disadvantage in many ways in life, but one of the advantages that they do have is that for my money, in my world, in my thinking, this might be a gross overgeneralization, but here it is, guys don't give a shit about gifts. I agree. I concur. Guys will never get angry that you either gave them a bad gift or no gift at all. It doesn't matter to us in the slightest.

I will go even further to say that in my perfect world, nobody gives or receives gifts. I don't like getting gifts. I don't like having to give gifts. Obviously, I'm not in a relationship right now. That's something I wouldn't feel comfortable saying if I had a girlfriend, but I think in an ideal world, you don't have to get me anything, and the greatest gift of all would be that I don't have to get you anything because there's so much pressure and the gift is never actually that worth it.

Holidays too. Not a fan of gifts. I don't like giving gifts when Christmas or Hanukkah rolls around. I don't want to have to think about getting people presents. I often don't get people presents. People don't get me presents, and that's sort of my grumpy attitude on gift giving in general. You sound like a horrible person. You sound like a grinch.

You sound like a scrooge. A grinch, if you will. That's correct. And people have gotten mad at me because I've been opened up a little bit during a relationship. I'm like, don't you wish it would be nice to just not give gifts? Yeah, you can't. That's not an attitude. That's fucking love.

Gifts. Yeah, and it's not like because they want gifts. They like, look at this girl. She likes giving gifts. Yeah, I know. I'm saying girls love giving gifts as much as they love receiving gifts. Those are just beautiful, and it's like, I don't care about gifts. I don't even want stuff, but I like the idea of like, I'm a gift giver.

I'm not necessarily like, I love thinking about like anniversary gifts, but I do think I like to think about like, oh, what could I like pick up that would make this person happy? Right, in my world, it's like whenever I give a gift, I'm just like, what can I get to not be in trouble after I give it? Right. If I get you this thing, you can't be mad at me, right? This is not a bad gift.

That's the only emotion I'm looking to avoid. That's a hard place to come from. Yeah, I'm a very, in terms of gifts, I'm the grumpiest. Right. I'm curmudgeonly. I'm a misanthrope. Yes, you are. There's a middle ground where I think this girl could just get him something, but the

advice that we're giving is that it doesn't really matter. Yeah, guys, I was coming there to see you. That's already going to be the best. Have a nice anniversary where you guys just spend the day together. Have great sex, go out to a nice meal, and do not make it about a big presentation of the gift. I think you should write him something. That's great.

And if he gives you a gift, the best gift you can give him is to just be like, oh my god, this is the best gift ever. This is amazing. Yes, that's what it is. Yeah, just be happy and, what is it called, appreciative of whatever gift he gets you whether it's good or bad. That's the best gift of all. Right.

I feel like you fucked up. Yeah, I feel like, I mean, I said it before, I would enter into a pact where nobody has to get me a gift. You actually say it all the time. Yeah. I've actually drafted a document. First dates, you have people sign it sometimes. God, why do I hate gifts?

It sounds like you're nervous about getting a bad gift. Not getting a bad gift. No, I mean, start getting someone a bad gift. Giving someone a gift that's bad. Or like having too much meaning put in a gift, like, oh, why did you get me this? What are you saying? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right.

But that's never actually happened to me because I always fucking break the bank and overcompensate. I've given someone a $9,500 gift. You bought your ex-ex-girlfriend a ticket to space on the Virgin Galactic. Yeah. And when she landed, I got her a Kia. That's right. Yeah, a red Sorento.

And she was actually hooking up with Richard Branson up there and Zero G. But I couldn't get mad because it was a part of her gift. Yeah, because she left the Earth's atmosphere and then there are no rules, no cheating boundaries. That's what she said. In international space. Technically, when there's no gravity, there are no rules. Right. All right.

That's all. Get him whatever the fuck you want. Exactly. It doesn't matter. But if you're a guy, oh shit, yo, dude, you better fucking think more than twice about what you got there. Think on that shit, baby. Yeah.

That's a big one. It's a big deal. It's an anniversary. What? I started saying, yeah, we're out of time. What can I say? That's it. That's over.

It's done with. We're still accepting theme song submissions. That email address again, if you have your own problem, or your own theme song is if I were you show at gmail.com. The first one was from a guy named Eric Striffler. And this last one is an entire two minute long. Is it parody? Parody?

Yeah. Of, Hey There Delilah, that he rewrote to be a theme song for us. Great. So stick around for that. And that one's from Jake. Jake from Canada. So yeah, that's it. Thanks so much for listening to everybody.

We'll be back in a week. Peace. It's not always nice In fact it may hinder your social life But just download Tinder You might find your future wife Oh yes you will Swipe left, swipe right, it's up to you

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