If I Were You - 73: Horoscope

Episode Date: April 21, 2014

In this episode we discuss nicknames, sex buddies, and how to hit a woman.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- bit.ly/17DIXqW. The best, easiest, smartest way to build a website without knowing how to do anything!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you want to enjoy my days, then let me hear your ear right now. Jake and Amir are funny, and they'd like to help you out. If I were you, if I were you, if you want advice, they'll tell you what to do. If I were you, if I were you, the show starts now. Awesome. Very tight. Very tight. I love her.

Our first three-time submitter. Oh my god. That's her third theme song. It's Audrey Scott of the band 6C, S-I-C-K, S-E-A, like C-S-I-C, but the other way around. It's correct. She also sent along a URL for her band's website, which is... And we appreciated it. Let's jump right into the show.

Whoa. You thought she sent it in just for us. Yeah. It was great. Now, how did... What? Maybe we should say what it is in case other... Like that...

Just in case. This would be a great... Yeah. We did everything just in case, then we'd never get the show done. What are you talking about? Come on. Let's just start. Wow.

Are you afraid that it'll take away from you or like you have a rival band? I don't want anyone... I don't... I don't want to share attention. They really don't like spreading it around. Even if it's the same. Come a Leo when I like to shine. I'm kind of a horoscope junkie like that.

Leo, the mighty lion. I have a feeling you just read your horoscopes and change your life to match the horoscopes instead of the other way around. Yeah. Yeah. Usually. Do you like to shine because you're a Leo or do you like to shine because that's... People told you Leo's do.

I just know that Leo's like attention. We're also a bit stubborn and more than anything though, we're loyal. You're just describing anybody. You're at least describing things that like, yeah, every person has facets of every horoscope, right? Well, I'm a Capricorn. What did you say? I'm sort of smart, a little bit stupid, bullheaded.

I have friends, friends like me and overall I'm liked or I want to be liked. That sounds... Yeah. Wow. I mean, I'm a Leo, but I feel like I share some of those Capricorn traits. Some of them for sure. I even like to be liked. Yeah, it's not an exact science.

Well, if you were a few in Aries, I would say that would make sense too. Aries are often attention seeking or giving. Interesting. Or giving. Yeah, they often have friends or not. Are Capricorns and Leo's compatible? They are. I wonder if sometimes our bullheadedness gets in each other's way.

But at the end of the day, we sort of see past it. Yeah, because we know how to stroke each other's egos. Yeah. And it's perfect. And it works out. I love you. I am actually going to say her band's URL. You're actually not going to say I love you back, is what you're actually going to say.

I said I love you and you're going to say the band URL. Go ahead. Cheers, buddy. Eight years of friendship, down the fucking tubes. What? For what? Why did it get down the tubes? It's down the tubes.

You didn't say I love you back. And that's it. You can't say it now. Every... So, every time... I'll tell you one thing. You've never said it first. Whether or not you say it back, you've definitely never said it first.

Well, I feel like I'm in a stuck place right now. Yeah. Yeah. You think you're stuck. What do you think I feel? I feel trapped. I feel abandoned. As a Leo.

As a Leo, I really need affection and attention. And I'm pretty stubborn about getting it. I hate feeling stuck. It's like when someone calls you out for not doing something and then I'm like, so I can't do it now even if I'm done. So are you going to get me something or you didn't get me anything? Oh, should I get... No, don't get me anything now.

Okay. Well, then I'm done. I guess. They're all screwed. Checkmate, I guess it is. 6c.bandcamp.com. 6c.bandcamp.com. All right.

The show is, If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Jake. I'm Amir. Yeah. Feels good. Feels right. Feels tight. And I feel light.

Why? Because I'm happy. You've been eating less. That's why. No. Yeah. You've been eating healthier. I have been eating healthier.

Right. Yeah. And how does it feel? During the meals, it feels worse, but after the meals, it feels better. Yes. But at the after meal last 91 or 98% of your day. It's great. So you might as well feel better for those times.

I also like, I never, ever cook. So the other day, we went to Trader Joe's and I spent like $70 on groceries. I came back. I made myself. Well, to be fair, half of that was whiskey. Right. Oh, that's true. We did buy two bottles of whiskey.

Yeah. So you spent $30 on groceries. Got it. $40 on whiskey. That's enough. I have a problem. But I made myself like the simplest salad. It was like kale and whatever, but I was so, like, I was so proud of myself.

So just the sense of not even just like happiness and eating, but like preparing a meal, even though it was the easiest meal in the world, I was like, this is amazing because I did it. I'm a chef now. Yeah. I'm a chef for this. I was able to put the things into one bowl. I cut a tomato myself.

Yeah. Sure, I cut myself a little bit, but overall I cut the tomato. It was mostly fine. Well, I sort of mashed it into clumps and I had Amir cut the rest of it, but I feel like then I cried and went to McDonald's. But that's the pride. That's the pride that tastes so good, even when you're eating your shitty ass salad. That's true.

What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. The way the podcast works, we get emails from real people in real difficult places and that email address, if you find yourself in one, is ifirishowatgmail.com. We comb through the submissions and do our best to advise some people out of their sticky places. Let's give these real emails fake names to preserve their anonymity and get started. What idea?

I totally didn't think of a theme. Oh, Snapdragon. Let's do Wayne's Brothers. Wow. Yeah. That's good. Thank you. You're good on the spot.

That's why I don't like to think about it beforehand. Good and a fix. Yeah, a pinch. That's right. A pinch. So Damon Wayans writes. That's kind of a cool nickname for me, the pinch. Oh, yeah.

But the pinch is the bad place. Yeah, but I shine in the pinch. So they're like, yeah, like if you're in a pinch, that's what you want. You got to get the pinch right. Yeah. Pinch is cool. Pinch. Pinching the pinch.

Pinch money, money. I'm not going to do that. Okay. I'm not going to call you that. You don't have to. Okay. I put it out there in the world right now. Everybody listen to the podcast.

Y'all can call me the pinch. Okay. That's definitely going to start now. You've got to just ask the pinch, baby, whether you like it or not. That's it. I like it right now. Remember the fate doobz went through? J-Wits.

Remember when I made my, everyone called me J-Wits a couple of years ago? Yeah. And that stuck. Yeah. It stuck for a bit. All right. All right. Here we go.

Damon's Wayans writes, dear Jake and Amir, aka the pinch and Amir, nice, having gone for after work drinks that ended up stretching into a full Dave Rosenberg night of debauchery, I very vaguely remember punching a guy for no real reason. At the time, I was pretty sure he had punched me earlier in the night. But in hindsight, I don't think he did. Luckily, I'm really bad at punching and I'm sure he was okay. I do feel very ashamed of it though. Anyway, I was on this night out with some colleagues from work, all senior to me.

Since I punched the guy and then just walked out of the club, I left. I have no idea if these colleagues even saw it happen. It is now Monday morning and so far, nobody has said anything about it, but I'm pretty paranoid. Should I just keep quiet or should I somehow try to find out if they saw it happen and will forever hold it against me? Thanks. Damon Wayans.

Damon, that's really tough. This guy's a bad guy. Oh, because he threw a punch first. Yeah. That's someone who didn't deserve it. Yeah. If this happened to a friend of mine, I would like this guy, but this guy's so funny in the email that I think that he's a nice guy.

He punched someone in the face and he wants to know if he should explain to his coworkers what happened. Yeah. I guess. Well, here's the ... It really did write a charming email. If I heard the story from the guy he punched, I was just at the bar and somebody came over and punched me and then left. I'd be like, that guy's an asshole, but this guy's like, he wrote a good email.

As long as you can write a good email, I forgive you. Which bodes well for this guy in this situation. Let me just say, there's like ... I think every time you do something embarrassing when you're drunk, part of you is maybe no one saw, maybe no one noticed. That's never the case. You hope someone saw? You hope no one saw, but almost every time, at least one person saw. Every time you get wasted, especially if you're that wasted, people are watching you, someone's

going to remember, and even if most people didn't see, it's out there. They know. He was a weak punch because he's not good at punching, and then he just left the club. Oh, God. At least you should have knocked the guy out because then people would be like, whoa. Whoa. Damon has fucking strength. Damn.

He's strong. What do you do? I think you've got to come out in front of it. You have to make it funny. You have to go up to somebody and be like, did I punch someone the other night? That's so ridiculous. Then maybe you can throw in ... I think he punched me earlier in the night. It seems weird to just be mum about it because then everyone might be talking about it because

you're behind your back. Right. I think you seem crazy and weird if you throw a punch and then never bring it up. It seems like you're an alcoholic or a violent, which seems like, yeah, you are a violent. You're a violent alcoholic. He's probably ... What's another horoscope sign? Oh, this guy's got to be a Sagittarius. Yeah, he's classic Sagittarius because he'll want to grab and tear your tits.

Yeah. Nice. Thank you. I'm sort of good at coming up with rhymes on the spot. They could call me the spot. Don't muddle up the nickname. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. That's classic the pinch right there. Sometimes the pinch gets ahead of himself.

Yeah. All right. That's not ... The spot wouldn't do that. No, no, no. That was vintage pinch. The spot shines on the spot, but the pinch ... The pinch, it's a cinch to get ahead of the pinch. You know what I mean?

I don't. I never know. Here's what you should do to this guy. Walk up to the co-worker that you are the closest with and then hold your hand and be like, oh, my hand really hurts. Did you see anything that happened that night that would give me a reason to think that my hand really hurts? He was like, no, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Then it's okay. Nobody knows. If he's like, I think you punched the one, then you could say, oh yeah, this guy punched him back or you make up a noble reason. I saw this guy harassing his girlfriend in line at the bathroom line or yelling at a girl. I guess in the back of my drunken head, I just had to come to her rescue and I punched this guy.

That's mildly smart. Yeah, I see. I think you're mildly smart is how I like to live my life. That's classic Capricorn right there. Sometimes smart, sometimes dumb. I think you are right. You should do some investigative work with somebody who is close to the company. Even if you were only out with senior people, maybe you have a friend who could find out,

like, hey, how was last Friday, like, oh, I can dame and punch some unsuspecting bloke in the face. Yeah. Then he walked out of the club. Then you do, but I think no matter what happens, do the investigative work or talk to just like straight up ask someone, but you got to make it kind of funny. I don't think you could be like, yeah, I punched her for a noble cause because then everyone is like sees through it.

They think you're a weird liar. You have to be like, that was crazy. That was so stupid of me. Be open to being made fun of. Yeah, but there's still an air of mystery about you because you did punch someone in the face, which is something not a lot of people would have the courage to do drunk or otherwise. There you go.

Let's use this hitting theme as a segue to question number two, which actually comes to us from Keenan Ivory Wayans. Whoa. Yeah. That's amazing. The only Wayans brother bold enough to have a middle name Ivory and use it. Like it was his decision as an infant. I decide I'm Keenan Ivory.

All right. Keenan Ivory Wayans writes on the topic of hitting, Hey guys, love the podcast, but I seem to be in a bit of a pickle. So I started hooking up with this girl and when she was drunk texting me a while back, she told me that she likes to be hit playfully, obviously, even just while kissing. How do I do this? How hard when I do hit and where do I hit her? Or should I just not?

I don't even need the advice so much. I could probably get what info I need from a public blast. If you want love from Canada, yours truly Keenan Ivory Wayans. Oh, I see. He's just ready for a public blast. Yeah. But I don't think I don't really have much to blast him on. Yeah.

He seems to be in a classic predicament, which is girls wanting you to do something painful to them because you're raised in a society where that's considered a hundred percent carte blanche wrong and then this girl is giving you an opening and you don't know whether to take it. Is it a trap? Is it real? An opening? Like you've always wanted to hurt a woman.

Don't miss your chance here, bud. In this dark, dark cave, you see a small crack and some light shining through. Holy shit. You've got to punch your way through the wall. It's an opening. It is kind of... I don't know. Have you ever had a lady want to do that?

Hit her? I guess like being spanked or choked. Yeah. And there's like hair pulling and that stuff. Like little pain for pleasure points. Yeah. Never like straight up like hit. What does it mean even while kissing?

That seems to be kind of extreme and different. Yeah. That's... Just making out with someone she wants you to like slap her across the face. Punch her in the sternum. That's so... I just want you to hit me. Gives her a dead arm.

Ow. Ow! You dick. I meant in a sexy way. He just... Not like I farted and didn't call safety. He kicks her calf. Is this...

Oh, it... Ow. Slapping her straight forward on the nose. That's the most painful way to be slapped. Just like getting your nose jammed. Yeah. Like a dog who shouldn't have pooped inside. I think you're right to just...

I think if you're comfortable trying it, I would say you don't just... Just like wind up and slap someone. You've got to like... You've got to like... I think you kind of have to be very clear. She's got to give you explicit directions. And you start off light. You slap her and if she says harder...

Slapper is pretty extreme. I would... That's what she wants. She's like slap me in the face. Flick her forehead maybe. No. That's the forehead a little bit. See, that's...

You got to like... Like this. Okay. Actually, I'm... Holy shit. I'm from that. I think just like a little... Like while she's riding you, you slap her across the face.

Mom, I'm sorry. I'm not this long. Don't even turn it down. Totally fine. So you slap her across the face when she's riding you. And if she's like, that's great, then good. And if she's like harder, then just go a little harder until she says that's good. But also, I will say that if you're like really not comfortable slapping her and it doesn't

turn you on, then you kind of have to be like, I will try it for you, but that's like not going to get me off, you know? Well... It's got to be a mutually... Beneficial thing. Sexy experience. Well, that's the thing. Do you...

How much of it do you just sacrifice for yourself? If she likes it more than you hate it, you almost have to do it. But like... I feel like sex is so difficult that if somebody gives you a clue, then it's like, oh, maybe I should take advantage of it as much as I can. That's true. But like also, if you know that she likes this, you don't have to be like slapping her every time.

Because fetishes, you don't really necessarily want to be... They're supposed to be special. So like slap her on your anniversary or slap her after you guys are like had a really nice date. I'm just not even kissing. Yeah. Just punch her in the gut on her birthday. You know what I'm saying?

I'm kidding. I don't condone hitting women unless they really, really, really like it. Not deserve... Isn't that like some like shitty, hick bumper sticker? Like I don't hit a woman unless she deserves it. Oh, God. I would not hit a woman unless she asked me to do it. And then this is my bumper.

I would not hit a woman unless she asked me to do it. And even then I would do it so softly as to borderline insult her. This is your bumper sticker? Yes. It's a really, really nice bumper sticker. It's the pinch. It's not even a rectangle. It's a full square.

It's just the bumper of my car. I would never, never hit a girl unless she wants it. So the answer is talk to her about it, see exactly what she wants, and then do it if you're cool with it, but not all the time. This is also part of your bumper sticker. Dude, you got to stop making bumper stickers. A lot of them are just like general life advice, they're long, they're weird. Shit, shit at it.

I really get a new job. Okay. You can't talk. Not easy to get a new job. I know, but this one, you're so bad at it. I'm in a bit of a pinch. Oh, shit. The pinch has been summoned.

And what does he say? I got an idea for a bumper sticker. Yeah. Shit. Shit. The pinch. The pinch and a pinch is not quite the guy you wanted him to be. He's a Grinch.

Captain Clutch. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule.

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So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable.

That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website.

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. All right. Question three. Oh, this one's from a lady. Luckily, there's a female Wans and her name is Kim Wans. Really?

I didn't know that. All right. Kim Wans writes, this is good. Every question sort of transitions from one to the other. First one was about hitting second was about hitting women. This third one is about a woman in a sticky situation. And it goes a little something like this. I'm involved in a fuck buddy relationship with a guy from work.

He's a great fuck buddy because I would never date him, but he turns me on like crazy. There's just one problem. He's yet to give me an orgasm or even really try to. The first time we hooked up, he texted the next day and apologized. The second time he was hung over and kind of mentioned it after. And now the third time he didn't mention it at all. He went down on me for a couple minutes the second time, but not long enough to get me close.

I'm not really sure how to address this. In a relationship, I would just bring it up and talk about it. I thought it was common courtesy that the lady gets to come first, but I guess not. Do I put his hand down my pants, my preferred way to get off, and see what happens? Announce that I'm coming first next time I go over, text him that I want him to get me off? Help. Please don't advise me to drop him.

It's tough to find a good fuck buddy you can trust. Turns you on and that you don't want to actually date. Thanks. Kim Wans. All right, Kim, I will say that you haven't found a good fuck buddy because he doesn't get you off. He's found a good fuck buddy because you get him off and then don't say anything. That's not good for you.

I don't think it's good for him. I think everybody, he can't possibly be such an asshole that he actively doesn't want you to come. He might not give a shit, I guess, but I think that any dude, if you're like, I want you to make me come, they want to rise to that occasion. Yeah, because it's like an accomplishment, it's a success. Every dude has too big of an ego to be okay with not getting their girl off. That's insane.

At least I think, right? Yeah, I think that's a point of pride. All that being said, I think you should just tell him because I'm sure he wants to get you off. Maybe after he couldn't the first time and the second time, and then the third time he didn't, he's just starting to feel insecure about it. You should tell him that it's fine that he hasn't, and maybe tell him how to do it, and then it's going to be a much better fuck buddy situation.

It is weird that he's the perfect fuck buddy, except for the fact that he's never given me an orgasm, and he sort of makes me do it, and then he leaves. That's not a good fuck buddy at all. Then how does he turn, and then it's like, but he really turns me on. Maybe he's good looking, maybe he's funny. That's all you need. Well, then you also should be able to follow through and make your girl come. I really think that you've got to be able to make him come.

If you're just funny and smart and sexy, even if you're not sexy, if you're just funny and smart, you turn and you're just, oh god, you're saying this in a mirror. I'm staring at myself. I'm not being dapper. And even if you're not that smart, as long as you're funny, it'll turn girls on. And if you're only funny half the time, then at least you have cool glasses. All you need is cool glasses. There's a razor blade in your other hand, just trembling.

A full head of hair. Every single day you shake in front of the mirror. And I wonder why. Yeah, I mean, it seems like, well, there are three questions where do I just put his hands down my pants, or announce that I'm coming first next time I go over, or text him that I want him to get me off. You don't have to text him that you want it. You can do that in person.

You don't have to announce that I'm coming first next time I'm coming over, because I might can feel bad. I think the best, the put his hands down my pants might be the best of those three options. And well, like, if he starts doing something, or if you put his hand down your pants, just like, you've been saying something like, oh, that's going to make me come. Yeah. You can turn it. It's hot.

That's what you want to hear. But like, hey, look, you aren't making me come and you have to, then he's like, oh, this is weird. Yeah, that's a negative thing. Right. You make it sexy. Put your, like, don't say I want you to make me come. Just like, ask for the thing that will make you come, like, and then be loud and vocal

about it. And yeah, give him that positive feedback that's like, I'm going to come. I'm going to come. And then, you know, hopefully you put it out there in the universe and you will, he still retracts his hands. It sounds like they've only had sex three times and I don't, I think it's fine to like, get into, you know, you're going to get to know each other's bodies. Guys are, I don't know if this is like, taboo to say, but we're very simple.

Like enough friction on our dick makes me come. It's true. Like, every woman is a different puzzle and every guy is like, very, is a very simple puzzle. Right. If you, there's three pieces. If you touch this part will orgasm. If you do it, this will be good.

But then for girls, it's like, Oh, I don't like this. I like this. I don't like this. I know it's hard. Sometimes I like this. Sometimes I need this. Sometimes I need this. Yeah.

But he'll get to, if you guys keep this up, if you, if you do think it's going to be a good fuck buddy, then like, then you guys could get to know each other, then that's that's going to be mind blowing. And then you're going to get into the problem. You're going to be writing to us and you're like, Oh shit, I fell for my fuck buddy because he fucks me like no one else. I don't think I've ever had just a fuck buddy like a, oh, it's 2am and I'd like to have sex now.

I'm going to text this fuck buddy. Yeah. You should try that. That sounds like it would be healthy for you. Yeah. I guess, I guess I should try it. I should try to find someone that wants to just bone me platonically. That'd be dope.

Yeah. Have you ever had a reoccurring fuck buddy? Yeah. We're like, Oh, that's the end of the night. We both didn't do well. So let's pleasure each other. Yeah. I feel like I've had like nine of them at once.

Right. But my entire life is a series of rotating fuck buddies. But do you ever have like a reoccur? I feel like you just have a lady that you do that with once or twice. Oh yeah. That's true. Maybe. I think like fuck buddy implies that there's a relationship that goes on.

I guess like it's not, definitely not when it lasted like more than a month or two. Right. Two months is max. And then it's like, cause I think that that's pretty common though. Like you start, people start to get feelings for people when you fuck too much. Right. Which is like jealousy. Like you don't want them to fuck other people.

Yeah. And you like, you know, you have enough like conversations between sex sessions and you're like, Oh shit. I get to know this person. I remember I used to be like someone would start telling me about their job. I'm like, yeah, well, we easy does it here. Don't tell me about your job. Like don't tell me about your family.

Don't tell me about work. We are talking about TV and that's it. TV or dumber. Please. You have a scale. Relax. Relax. You know the story of this zone family, friends, religion, love.

I ain't trying to get to know anybody, you know what I'm saying? Cause I don't even know myself. Cause I'm afraid to get to know myself. I'm afraid of what I'll find out. Yo, the pinch is a locked box. It's a locked box. I'm too scared to even open it myself. I fear what's inside.

It is a dark, scary room up there. I am a man in my own attic. I am trapped and I don't want to get out. My biggest fear is that I open the box and inside. Uh-oh. All of my fears are confirmed. It is empty indeed. I am a hollow shell of nothing.

I am a ghost man. I am a coward and a loser. I have no opinions about anything. I only change my mind. Please do not come rescue me out of this attic. I don't want anyone to access it. Not you, not me, not my parents, not no one, not ever. I don't let anyone in because then they'll see that I am no one.

I don't want to give someone an empty box as a gift for they'll open it and be disappointed. That empty box is me and that nothingness is my life. Hey, wha. Whaa. Whaa. Whaa. Kanye West crying. I'm all alone whaa.

It's what you do when you, you're a sad hand. Yeah. You wha. Uh, break time? Let's break it up. Break it up. Uh. Uh.

Break it up. Uh. Uh. Break it up. Uh. Break it. Break it up. Break it down.

Oh. Uh, this episode is going to come out on April 21st, which means we're on tour this week. Holy fuck. In Seattle, Portland and San Francisco. Who's coming out? We'll wait till you email us. Let's wait.

Come hang. Nothing yet. Nothing. Yeah. You know what? We're recording this ahead of time so people aren't going to email us the answer to this question. Shit.

Yeah. That's sort of how it works. Um, yeah. I don't know if there's anything else to talk about. Um. Gosh. Oh, we have a live podcast in Los Angeles. That's why we're not doing a show in L.A. We were saving it to do another live podcast.

I don't know if it's been announced yet, but we'll just say May 31st at the Hollywood Improv. Is it definitely then? Uh, if it's not, I'll edit this part out. I can look at my calendar right now. All right. Uh, so that'll be a fun time. We, uh, we like to mix up the, the live shows with the live podcast.

That way people, uh, people get sick of us as soon as possible. I love the way you're stalling because I've clicked on three different, uh, three different apps that were not my calendar. You just opened up, uh, Tripit live podcast, 31. Really? May 31st. May 31, 531 baby. Hollywood Improv.

Hollywood Improv. All right. Nailed it. I didn't even have to stall at all. All right. Should we get to one last question? Let's do it. Uh, question the fourth.

Oh, this one's interesting. It's from another dude, Marlon Waynes. Marlon. Marlon Waynes writes, what's up, yo? I have a problem with my girlfriend. That is, we recently broke up and got back together not too long ago. The reason we ended it last time was because I was feeling used and honestly felt like I was being taken for granted.

She took the breakup really hard during that three to four month period. I feel like she realized that she messed up. She asked for a second chance, so I gave it to her. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? Well, here's the situation. Once we got back together, everything was great. We were feeling better than ever, but now I feel like she's going back to her ungrateful and complaining ways.

It's really annoying and I've had enough of it already. She always says that I don't do anything nice for her and that I've never done anything romantic for her, which is completely false. I do so much for her and she just doesn't seem to realize it. I just, I love her so much and I hate to see her so sad, but I know when enough is enough. I try so hard to make her realize the good in life and how happiness is key, but it seems to go through one ear and out the other. So my question is, should I leave her again for my own benefit or keep having to help

her realize how good we have it together? I know it's really up to me, but I just want to know what y'all would do. Thanks, Marlon Waynes. I just want to know, we got it so good. Everything's perfect if we could just stop fighting and stop hating each other. It would be great if she realized how nice I was and stopped fucking bitching and complaining all the time. Baby, we got it so good.

You're just ungrateful and I'm not romantic, but it's great. Oh, should I stay with her even though I don't like her until she realizes that? I think you're trapped in a negative space and you're sort of romanticizing the old version of your relationships, maybe the honeymoon period. Yeah. I think it's a problem to constantly be analyzing your happiness and like when you break up with someone and get back together, you're sort of like, you're always looking at the relationship through this lens of like, is it better?

Are we doing okay? Have I done enough? Have you done enough? And like, just don't think about it like that. Just fucking be nice to each other. You don't have to be romantic all the time. Don't whisk her away. She doesn't have to like, and don't do things because you want her to be grateful.

You would just do things because they're nice. Yeah, whether you are being nice or are being romantic, it almost doesn't matter because the fact is she doesn't think so. So either you're not pleasing her enough and it's a bad relationship or you are and it's a bad relationship because she doesn't realize it. Also, they broke up for three to four months and came back together and everything was fine for a little bit, which is how it works. You just restart the honeymoon period over again and then it ends up being bad again.

Yeah, it sounds like you guys might be in a bad relationship, but I will just say that like, you don't, I don't think you have to don't do anything like and sort of expect a response. Like I'm going to take her out to dinner and she better say that's romantic. Just like fucking, well, that's one of the things I was talking about at the front of the episode where it's like, I hate when people say that you haven't done something and then you're trapped. And then someone's like, you just don't do anything romantic anymore.

And then you can't just be like the next day, hey, let's go on to a nice vacation. You're only doing that because I told you, I guess so. Yes. Why did you tell me then? Well, no, you know what you do there? You just like hit him with some honesty. You'd be like, yeah, you know what? You told me that I don't do anything romantic.

So I searched myself and I decided she's right. I'm going to do something romantic and here we are. I appreciate that you told me that I don't do it because you're only doing it because I brought it up. You're right. I wish you would do it without me coaxing it out of you. And you know what, baby? I think I think that's we're going to grow to that, but right now this just happened

yesterday. Yeah. This is my response to it. Yeah. And and why don't you say it first this time? Okay. Say what? I, I like you a lot.

Fuck you, dude. You know that was outside of the bit. All right. That's our show. What? Why? That's our fucking show. From that?

That's our web show. That's our web. That's our podcast. That's our live tour. Everybody. Fine. I love. No, no, no.

I love you. You fucking just said that because I told you to. Yeah, dude. That's how it works. So should we, is this, what do we, is this, do we, is it over? I'm not saying like break up with her or don't. I feel like, well, I guess that's what he wants. I think if you, you have to search your heart.

Oh, that's nice. You do you. Yo, do you. Yeah. And if you were like, I want to give this girl another chance, you have to go into it with a much more open mind and not, not, not have these experiences sort of like trying to predict her reaction because that's, you're projecting. Just be yourself and be nice.

But if you think that, I mean, break it up, break it up, break it up. My advice to anyone that's broken up before is to keep it broken. I know it is. I'm a, I'm a black and white type of dude. You know, a Capricorn. I don't see the gray. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic. Yeah.

Looking to your heart. No. Look at your fart and let her know at the last minute, tell her to close her eyes. And she's, you're going to give her a present. And when she does close her eyes, you get that anus so close to her nostril, your hairs, your fucking dingleberries are tickling her nostrils, coward asshole, tickling her nose as you fucking let one rip. Oh, what was that?

That was the sound of one hand fapping. When you start Jango, you can't because she's in the room. You're fucking limp as a dummy, a crash test dummy. She can't do anything about it. She's like, what is happening right now? He's like, long story short, sweetheart, this ain't going to happen. It's over between you and me. What?

You smell like shit in your dicks. I know. Uh, yeah, I say, it sounds like this guy wants to break up with her, but the only reason he isn't is because should I, he said, should I leave her for my own benefit or keep trying to help her realize how good we have it together? Right. Yeah, it sounds like you're coming from a, you have an aggressive attitude towards it right now.

So if you're going to stay in the relationship, at least get a little more zen, get a little more like chill, yeah, do some yoga, you know what I'm saying? But otherwise, yeah, maybe you got to cut and run. Yeah. Maybe that's what's up. Maybe it's all done. And then next time, don't, don't take her back because she already had her second chance. There you go.

And I love to hear the story from this girl's perspective. Yeah. So if you want to tell her that you wrote it to the podcast, have her write to us too. We'd love to interview her for close to what will seem like six hours, but even longer than that and just split it up into 25 different podcasts, interview with this guy's girlfriend. Terrible idea. Uh, yeah, that's it. That's our show.

That's our time. Um, email address. Once again, if you find yourself in a sticky situation is if I were you show at gmail.com. If you have a theme song like Audrey Scott of the band, six seeded to open our show, you can send that to that same email address if I were you show at gmail.com. And this last one is, uh, or this last theme song is from a, our fan named Lisa in Canada. So thanks to Lisa from Canada and thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back in a week.

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