If I Were You - 73: Jake's Substack

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

In this episode we talk yards, blogs and RANKER.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. Oh yeah! Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts Seconds Oh yeah! Anything you want to say to me or to the users, the abusers, the losers that you think they are? What are you talking about? Homeboy got a stack! Yeah, yeah I launched a little sub stack project. You launched a little sub stack?

No. No, you shipped a lifelong endeavor. You finally had the way those to pull the trigger. Are you happy for me? You built yourself up. I'm never been more livid and jealous in my life. to pull the trigger. Are you happy for me? You built yourself up. I've never been more livid and jealous in my life. Really?

Walk me through the origin story up until the launching, through the writing of the first entry, and make a detour into what gave you the idea to begin with before doubling back. Why is this so upsetting? and make a detour into what gave me the idea to begin with before doubling back. Why is this so upsetting? Why is it upsetting to you? I'm not upset, I'm pissed. I'm happy for you, but I'm scared and mad.

And I wanna know everything that went into it and what it is, because I thought a sub stack was like an OnlyFans or something, like a video sort of collage like a tumbler or something. You thought it was an only learning that it's like a blog or a medium. And now I'm curious if you also have an only fans because I think you're doing shit behind my back that I don't appreciate this open the possibility of everything and nothing happening at once

and I have no idea what to think anymore. Okay. So start from the bottom, now we'll get here together. All right, sure. So wait, where do you want me to start? The very, very beginning? Do you need to know what a Substack is? Of course, unless it's just a blog.

I think it's just a blog. Okay. I'm not exactly sure. My mom's had a Substack for a long time and there's some newsletters that I subscribe to on sub stack. Wow. And wow, your mom has one now. She had one first. She had it first. She's had it for a long time. Poetry. She does write some poetry on there. Yeah. Laura Horowitz. I think that's her username. Check out my mom's sub stack for sure. So paywall or read. I might subscribe, but I think it's just a pledge.

I don't know if I actually, I don't think she's charging. Mine is free. Okay. Okay, so a sub stack is basically like, it's like a blog. It's a newsletter. You can read it on the website, in the app, or it arrives in your email. That's what Substack is.

Like a zing. Stop yelling. Stop yelling, you're sweating. I'm grinding. You're so close to the Zoom. I only see teeth. I'm nose deep I'm grinding. You're so close to the zoom. I only see teeth. I'm nose deep in the thing. Did you subscribe by the way?

I haven't yet because I only saw it on an Instagram story while I'm driving and my app crashes often. So for a while I've been wanting to to like do some type of writing thing. You would know because I often ask you to do some type of writing thing. You would know because I often ask you to do it with me. Is that untrue? Is that untrue? Oh, is this the thing that you wanted to do together,

the substack thing? Yeah, this is exactly that. So I wanted to do something and I was like, I'm gonna start a substack, but I don't really have anything to write about. So I parked my name a long time ago and I don't really have anything to write about. So I parked my name a long time ago, and I was like, what would I write about? And I was thinking, you know, maybe I could,

when I start DMing, I could do like D&D scenes or like- DMing as in dungeon mastering, not as in direct messaging. Oh yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah. But then that was the other thing. When I started DMing, I actually really, I was like, I was, for the first time in a while, I was like sitting in my office and just writing.

Just clickety clack, music playing, no distractions, just like making shit up and writing it down. And I was like, my God, I was like in a flow state. I was like, this is incredible. I haven't done this in such a long time. Creating a story. Yeah. Yeah, since Jake and Amir are lonely and horny, really. Yeah, and state. I was like, this is incredible. I haven't done this in such a long time. Creating a story. Yeah. Yeah, since Jake and Amir are lonely and horny really.

Yeah, and like, God, like we, yeah, I was thinking about how we used to just like sit in a room and crack up and- Writing. Yeah, just writing. And I was like, you know, maybe I really do need to write. But then I got busy with the DMing thing. I kept on pushing it off, not doing it.

And then I was like, oh, maybe I could do an advice column, like a Dear Abby style old school advice thing. And I was like that's- Like the predecessor to If I Were You. Just like people write in and then you write back what you think they should do. Exactly, kind of like, and also like a text shake, which was a very similar thing to us,

where people would send me screenshots and I would send them back their text, but a public one. So my response would be like for everybody. And once I thought of that, I was like, all right, maybe I actually could launch it, cause now I have an idea. And then I still didn't for a while. And then I don't really know if there was like an inciting like moment.

I think, I think maybe it was just like a stressful day at work where I had like a bunch of meetings and I had to commute somewhere and I had to record something and we had to do an ad and I had to do like whatever I was like all over the place. And I was like, God, how nice would it be if I just, if I just was, if I could just write that's what I want to do so I was like I'm gonna do it today and Write something this was yesterday this I think was it was two days ago that I wrote this post that I posted today And then I slept on it for two days. I made some edits. I thought about it a bunch

Yesterday I took a bunch of Instagram photos because I was like, I don't know how to promote anything I haven't really how to promote anything. I haven't really promoted anything in a while. Yeah. And then today I just said, fuck it. I launched the shit. I launched it. Why are you making it such a big deal?

You're making it a big deal. It's a blog. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You could make one. I launched it. Like it's a fucking business. You started this episode by grilling me about it. I set you up to feel grand

so that I can then knock you off at the knees. Yeah, I made you top heavy so that you would fall heavy, if that makes sense. In fact, I launched the sub stack today. Really? Not yet, but if you're listening to this, I might get inspired and muddy the waters as to which one came first, the chicken or the egg.

Just ask a mirror. I have. Mine is sort of a critique slash commentary on the advice Jake gives. Because you can restack. You could restack. You could always restack my stack. It's like Tumblr in that way.

I think so. But I'm actually not entirely sure how the website works because I just dove in. Launch it. Yeah. And then how can people email you for advice? Wow, so you're gonna let me promote it? That's really cool of you.

That's actually really magnanimous of you. That's really magnanimous of you. Well, you can subscribe by going to substack.com slash at jkurwitz. And for the substack.com slash at jkurwitz with an at sign. And for the premium version, you can Venmo me Amir. Or I think it's like Amir. Yeah, for the premium version, you can Venmo me, Amir, or I think it's like Amir Brutfeld or something like that.

For the premium version, subscribe to Amir's OnlyFans. And I'll make it so that Jake has to answer you. And then I launched an email, excuse me. Permission to read this post? No. Out loud in front of you for the crowd? You can email just contact Jake at gmail.com. Just contact Jake.

It's like just ask Jake, but just askjake at gmail was taken. So it's just contactjake at gmail.com. But I don't want you to read the post. That post is only for, it's only for people that click through. That's only for the real heads. I see it right now.

Yeah, well, I'm not trying to have you read it out loud. If you're interested. A brand new old school advice column. Yeah. Thank you. Big freaking whoop. Big freaking whoop. It's not a big deal. I'm going to copy and paste it into the company's slab. Why do you care? This isn't- I want to be your PR lady. You're not being a PR. You're not being a PR lady. You're not doing PR at all. You're doing an oppo research.

You know, D-rab? This is peer ab. How many ops you really got? I mean, there's too many options. Just contact jake at gmail.com. Yeah, that's exactly right. All right, sweet. I can't wait to co-op this slash monetize it slash ruin it

for commercial purposes. I've actually got every actual question. Only an hour ago. We'll have an AI response. Auto AI response. Hey, thanks for writing in. For a year and a half. For a year and a half.

Answer. Sweet. All right, cool. I'm glad we got to the bottom of it. Are you satisfied with that answer? Yeah, I actually was, I didn't know because I hadn't read it yet and now I know and now I understand and I'm less angry

and more, I guess, excited to hear how this goes. And I don't actually subscribe to any sub stacks, so this will be my first. Wow, you might start fucking around on the app. So I'll, this will be my first. Wow. You might, you might start fucking around on the app. It's kind of cool. Just ask Jake. Yeah.

I wonder, yeah, there's Substack, there's Medium, there's Tumblr, WordPress, Blogspot. I wonder what the difference is between all these. Yeah, I'm not sure. And I actually didn't do any research. Maybe I should have gone on Medium, but Substack seems easy. Yeah.

Plus your mom has one. Yeah, exactly. It's all in the family. Do you think you're gonna do advice all the time or sometimes it's like, I have a short story as well. I was thinking today that I was like, you know, maybe I'll post like scenes from half written movies that I'll never finish.

Cause I have a bunch of those and I think it'd be fun. Basically, there's so many times that I wrote something all about one scene and then like it trailed off and got bad, but I could just be like, here's a snippet of something I wrote that I liked. So I could try that too. Half-baked, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, there's so many writers who just can't write for cash anymore because there's like two TV shows and four movies a year and three of them are Batman movies. So it's just like, where does all these writers go? Where do all the words go that are in their heads that used to have an outlet? So you would think companies like Substack and Medium

and stuff would just be like blowing up right now because it's the zero barrier to entry way to write stuff and have people read it. Yeah, and maybe they should and maybe they are and maybe they will. I'm usually not on the forefront. write stuff and have people read it. Yeah. And maybe they should and maybe they are, and maybe they will. All right. I'm usually not on the forefront. So I bet there's a lot of, a lot happening on there already.

Not on the forefront, but early enough, like podcasting. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Uh, okay. This is segments. That was our first segment in which I sort of openly antagonize slash promote Jake's sub stack.

I appreciate that. I actually appreciate the opportunity. Uh, I wanted to play a classic game, uh, America's favorite new segment. Actually one, two, three, 62. Not even close to that. Yeah. You want to play for old times sake. Let's take a break and we'll come back

and actually play the game because it's a little more in depth than that. Gotcha. And we're back. It's time to play America's new favorite game show, favorite game show, Ranker. Ranker. Ranker is the game show where you rank embarrassing things and oh shit, but you have to remember them, right? You can write them down. Yeah, but you can't, you're not gonna repeat them. You do have to remember.

So I'm gonna implore slash urge anybody at home that wants to play along to grab a pen and you to do the same. Yeah. This one's a little different than the first episode of Ranker. How come? Or even the second one where you gave it to me. I'm going to give you one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, different options that are kind of bad.

And you have to choose two of them to adopt. So you do have to rank in that you're gonna have nine that you're gonna pass on and two that you will have to do. Oh, interesting. Okay. And then a mystery slot, but we'll get that. We'll get to that when we get there. When I can't ask you to repeat anything?

Can't repeat anything, need to write it down. Okay, got it. Number one, when ordering fries at a restaurant, you need to write it down. Okay, got it. Number one, when ordering fries at a restaurant, you need to say, and can I get some sweet catch-catchy on the side sauce and never elaborate. Okay. Number two, you need to honk for five seconds straight any time you put your car into park.

That includes at a park. Okay, that's bad. Number, sorry. No editorializing? I know. I can't respond to you? Yeah, that's bad. Number, sorry. No editorializing. I know. I can't respond to you. Yeah, it's interesting to hear your real time response, but like then it kind of ruins the game

when you do choose. Does it really? Because now we know you don't like the honking. I won't like any of that. I mean, I don't like catch catchy sauce either. I'm trying, I'm wondering if those two should be stricken. But we'll keep them in for now. All right. You need to wear a hemp anklet for a year within reason.

Okay. Okay. Yeah, within reason. It's funny, because that's something I've already done. Am I allowed to respond to any of these? I've already done that for two years. Yeah, but to do it again, of course. Without reason.

Four. You need to ask your neighbor on both sides for forgiveness for something, quote, y'all maybe saw me do or not. Okay. Depending on your relationship with your neighbors, that's either awful or fine. Right.

Sorry about what you maybe saw me do or not, just wanted to say that. Oh my God. This one you really won't like, but I had to include it. You need to make a video of you putting a little cheese whiz on Gemma's head and post it to Instagram, friends only, but I get to choose the friends and you can wipe it off right away within reason.

It was sort of bad, but like not terrible. She's not in pain or anything. You just put a little cheese whiz hat on her for a second. Yeah, for sure. To your close friends. Yeah. I'm not supposed to react in real time, so I'm just kind of remaining placid on this one.

Number eight or nine maybe. Manger scene in your front porch from Easter till Christmas. So that's the baby Jesus, that's the wise men, that's the frankincense and it is the Mercer. And it's, wow, and it's the camels kneeling down, the baby lambs, the shepherd. It's a diorama. From Easter till Christmas, you're saying? Cause Easter, not Christmas till Easter,

that's through the summer. I'm saying cause it's, yes, exactly. A summer manger. Oh my God. It's near your house, you don't have to do anything about it. It'd be funny to do that, then apologize to the neighbors. That's fine, you probably saw the main shirt in August.

It's too humid for baby Jesus, obviously. I'll replace all your shirts with polos and replace all your jackets with vests for free. And I'll even throw in a new bike helmet. That's funny? Yeah. Number nine, 10 or 11, I already lost fucking track. You did.

Sorry, I don't have a fucking sub stack. You had seven, I think. Next time you take a fitness class, you need to ask the instructor if they own a Ninja Creamy. Now, do you know what a Ninja Creamy is? No, I thought you made it up. No, it's a device that makes ice cream pretty fast. It's actually kind of dope.

That's cool. That's cool. That's really interesting. Yeah. Yeah. It just sounds weird. Yeah, it does. Anytime somebody asks for your name for your order,

like at a coffee shop name, whatever, you need to say five-ish, like five-ish Finkel. That's good. That's good or that's funny or that's bad. Don't even answer, just think about that. Number 10 maybe? Less. Or number four?

Yes. You need to carry Visine with you going forward and eye drop yourself twice a day. Not terrible, but kind of annoying to carry Visine all the time. For sure. And the last one is two trash bags of cans on top of your car. Trash bags build up cans.

Kind of annoying, but like, yeah, like, all right, sure. But not great either. Right, no. It doesn't affect you, but it's not nice great either. Right, no. Doesn't affect you, but it's not nice to see. So, and then there's- Trash bags of cans. And then there's two mystery ones or one mystery?

Oh, I have to do two of these. There's one mystery slot. And there's one mystery slot. Okay. Yes. Do you wanna hear what the mystery slot is? Do you wanna reveal it? It doesn't even, it sounds like you didn't even know

how many you were asking me. How many have I had so far? Five or six? I think you got to 10. Okay, so and this is the mystery slot, which kind of puts the game on its head a little bit. All right. You have to use the phrase laissez faire

in front of Jill every day for a month. And if she notices or calls you out on it, you need to do every item on this list. But if she doesn't, then you don't have to do any item on the list. Do you accept or decline the mystery? Decline. She'll call me out about the second day. And will it be like a playful way or like kind of like an earnest, wait, why do you keep saying laissez faire?

Yeah, I think it would be an innocently curious way. Why do you keep saying laissez faire? Yeah, is that like on your mind? Day 230. Yeah, she said laissez faire yesterday. She would be... Will you help me fill up this trash can with cans? I have to go honk the horn for five seconds.

Okay, so you decline the mystery slot. Fill up this trash can with cans. I have to go honk the horn for five seconds. Okay, so you decline the mystery slot, which brings us to just the normal game. Unless I could do something like name something in our house, laissez faire. Like if Gemma started saying it, then that actually, that's what I would do. I think I would teach Gemma the word laissez faire. Unfortunately, you have already declined and I did have to take you on your face.

Okay, you took me on my face? That's not the same. Your gut reaction was the correct response and it has been declined. Okay. The mystery slot has been eliminated. Ranker is a very antagonistic game. You're yelling at me.

Any one of these you wanna just say is the worst and you're definitely not going to do it. I would never make a video of putting cheese whiz on my daughter's forehead. I like not a forehead on on the top of her head anywhere. I just would not do that. I like I have such a sick even for friends only. Yeah, no, like I've seen, there was that viral video of like parents throwing slices of cheese on crying baby's faces. I wanna say this is what was, this was sort of. Didn't we talk about it on the podcast before? Yeah, this was inspired by that I think.

I mean it is cheese on head related, but it's kind of a cutesy version of that. You're not necessarily hurting anybody and it's not being posted on main and it will be friends only, but I get to choose the friends within reason. I think the spirit of it is so bizarre and like rude. It's like I value social media clout

more than I do you. I'm going, yeah. You'd rather carry garbage with you than to put a video for seven friends. So I would not do you. I'm going, yeah. You'd rather carry garbage with you than to put a video for seven friends. So I would not do that. That one's out. I also, baby related, I could not honk the horn

for five seconds anytime I parked because if she's sleeping in the back seat, that would just make it a wake up. For sure, for sure. Five seconds is a long time. And I often am looking for parking spots near my house and I wouldn't wanna, you know, annoy anybody in the neighborhood. Yeah, they would notice after like a few days,

weeks, months that you're just, I gotta ask why you're honking for five whole seconds every time you get out of your car. Okay, so now am I ranking these? I've eliminated two that I just won't do. Yeah, you've eliminated two. And then I guess you could walk us through ones that you're considering, but not necessarily opting into that.

So it doesn't have to be a specific rank, but talk us through what you're thinking. All right, let's look at the bottom up. What was the last one? The last one was two bags of cans. I thought you weren't allowed to repeat anything in Ranker. I thought Ranker was all about me writing it down. So you've played Ranker before.

Touche. Let me take laissez faire back. You obviously don't respect your own rules. I should get another. I should get a seraph or something. Two bags. At this point I don't even want to rank. Two bags of cans is pretty max bad for me.

I really, I value. You like a clean car. Yeah. My car is actually kind of my happy space. Like, but it's on top inside the car. You don't even know that there's two trash bags filled with cans on the top. Yeah. But when you have stuff, it just looks bad from a distance. Would it, how would they be secured? Would I have to do this hearing? Yeah. Then I, then I think I would actually be concerned every once in a while. You know, if I'm on the highway, I can hear that bag flapping.

I'm like, is this tied down? Looking up at the sunroof, that's a little dangerous. I think I would, that's low on my list. Okay. Visine, carrying Visine, I really don't like because I don't like carrying stuff. But at the same time, it doesn't hurt anybody. No, it seems like it might be fine for my eyes to keep them moist.

Coffee name being fivish, that's bad. But not all the time, because some places don't even ask you. A lot of places won't even ask, because my coffee order is actually pretty uncomplicated. I often get it right at the counter. And it's only for coffee, not like at a cafe if I'm ordering food, right?

What's your current coffee order, if I might ask? Cold brew, black, and I brought my own mug. I brought my own milk. Yeah, you can't use your mug. Really? Really. So I just have a mug. Then how will you know my name is five-ish?

Oh, you're spitting a lot. Like Fivish Finkel? Who's Fivish Finkel? He's an old like Yiddish stage star. He passed away in 2016. I see, okay. His name was Philip, but his friends called him Fivish. Cause he was like five-ish feet tall. Yeah, sure. Why not?

It's not bad actually, cause it's kind of a cool nickname. And you know, the, and if somebody thinks it's weird, it's kind of on them. Like we're living in a world where thinking someone's name is weird is actually frowned upon. So if they ask me my name and I say five-ish and they say, what? I say, my name is five-ish.

Like you have, do you have a problem with that? I'm sorry, it's not a job. Henry. Maybe I'll get my coffee somewhere else. Five-ish, wait, I'm sorry. So that was not too bad, saying my name is five-ish. I also have a good workaround for this fitness class instructor,

asking a fitness class instructor if they own a Ninja Creamy. I would go and buy a Ninja Creamy. And then I would say, this is a weird question, but do you own a Ninja Creamy? And they would say no. And I would be like, well, I have one and I don't need it. Cause I have two.

I caught you a Ninja creamy. And you think that's easier to do that every single class than just asking. I thought it was just the next time I go. No, it's every time you take a fitness class. Oh, every time, even if I've talked to the instructor before, I go to the same, I go to the same Pilates class every single week. You're telling me I'd have to ask my instructor every Thursday.

Who knows me by name now that I would, I would go and say, Oh, but do you own a Ninja Creamy? I guess it could become more greedy. Call me five-ish, because I'm gonna ask you five-ish times a day. Hey, Creamy Check, do you get that creamy yet? I keep on telling you. And then she's gonna buy it.

And then I'm gonna ask her if she still owns it or if you sold it on Facebook Marketplace or something. Because if you don't use it, I'm down to give you 65 bucks. So that one's awful, because I really like exercise classes and I like going and seeing the same people and making a community around fitness.

And that would kind of destroy my lifeblood. So I think some of these things that bring me joy, like my car and my fitness classes, that's gonna be bottom. Those are the no-fro. Yeah, those are gonna be at the bottom. I wouldn't let you replace my polo, my shirts with polos and jackets with vests, even if it meant the new bike helmet, because I have a pretty good

bike helmet and I think I need my jackets, right? I don't know. It's like, I'd be really cold. Yeah, I guess. But it's warming up. Yeah. But it's, this is going forward. Yeah.

Going forward forever or for the Christmas like the manger. Oh, all right. So if I only wore polos for, for the next few months, that might be fine. Um, I think I'd rather have the manger though, cause the manger, you can ignore it. Yeah. I, I put lights on my house manger though, because the manger. Oh, because you can ignore it. Yeah, I put lights on my house for Christmas now. So that's kind of just out there, you know? Yeah, you're already a Christmas home.

Yeah, ask my neighbors on both sides if they saw me do something or not and apologize for it. That would be weird. Cause our neighbors on one side were like close with, but not that close with like the level of, we say often that we should have each other over, but don't, but like that would, I think that would ruin that relationship,

which is not good. My other neighbor, it would actually be totally fine because he and I have really weird stilted conversation all the time and this borderline sounds like- We just get brushed under the rug. It sounds like something he said to me. We've probably been there. Yeah.

Okay. Wear a hemp anklet for one year within reason. Is within reason underneath the sock or do I have to have it outside of the sock? You could have it under a sock, but you can't take it off. So like when you shower and go to bed, anklet is there. Yeah, I could hide that. I think that one's up there.

That one's fine. Oh, interesting. When actually, and wedding, I think I've fully stopped ordering. Oh, wait, so this is any time I ask for fries. Yeah. Does this count if I, what if I see on a menu burger and fries?

I would just say, I'll have the burger. I don't have to say, I don't want fries. I guess if they asked you want fries or a salad, I would have to start saying salad. Usually there's an option. Yeah. Or you could say fries and can I get some sweet ketchy on the side sauce? Yeah. And if they're like you mean ketchup? You can't say yes. Right. You have to say I want sweet ketchy on the side sauce. I love French fries, but I think I don't go to restaurants enough where I'm ordering them. And I might be fine with this,

because it would mean that I didn't eat French fries. So I like the idea of just going on a diet. Eliminate that. Yeah. Yeah. So that's one. You need one other one. Oh, that I'll just do?

Yeah, because you ended up declining the mystery slot. Yeah, well I went back on it. Which would have allowed you sort of carte blanche access to not need to do. Which would have been perfect, because I would have just, I would have got Gemma a little stuffed animal and said its name is Laissez Faire.

And then Gemma would have said the name Laissez Faire, and I would have told Jill, she just came up with that. I've never said laissez faire. Maybe she heard it somewhere. How cute is that? And then every day at bath time, I would be like, here's your little laissez faire. And Jill wouldn't question why I was saying laissez faire.

It would have been- She wouldn't question why you named it that, or she would take your word for it, that Gemma- Right, that Gemma just said it and heard it somewhere. She's been taking French lessons. Out in the world, yeah. She went to one of her little play classes

and it just happened. And they sort of, yeah, they taught them that. Right, like maybe there's a little book where someone has a laissez faire attitude. I mean. Laissez faire Larry. Right, exactly. It seems like a Dr. Seuss book.

You know what's interesting about Dr. Seuss? I was like convinced that Dr. Seuss was kind of the goat for kids books. Maybe Gemma is just too young because I guess she's like just about two, but I'm reading her Cat in the Hat. I'm reading her Sam I Am. And she gets pretty bored.

These books are insane. She's not into it. They're long. They're long. they're long. The kids books. I think in the 50s, the kids had longer attention spans. That makes sense. Now, once you see an iPhone, you don't wanna fucking go back to Green Eggs and Ham.

You need like the newest shit. No, she's plugged into her Xbox from after dinner till bath time. She has a toddler VR. That's sort of shooting fucking awesome images at her. And then you take it off after half an hour, you say. The cat in the hat by Dr. Seuss. I will not eat them in a box.

I would not eat them with a fox. She's smoking a cigarette, completely disinterested. So I think I would do sweet catchy catchy and hemp anklet. Okay, all right. Yeah. Interesting. I understand the catch catchy

because you're not just gonna, you're just gonna order fries less than all the- Oh wait, no, I wouldn't- I wouldn't want the anklet actually over five- Unfortunately. Oh, come on. Unfortunately. The rules don't mean anything.

We are locked in. We are. Ultimately priced into where you said that you would be. So we are at the place where you are going to be wearing an anklet and you will be doing the ketchup. Wow. Or do you want to do the switch? You said you wanted to switch something? I think I would do my coffee name being fivish

and catching, catching. Instead of the hemp. Instead of the hemp. Just cause it would be kind of annoying to have like after a shower, my hemp anklet is like wet. Yeah, is that just how it works usually? I don't really remember now,

but yeah, when I was in high school, I guess it probably didn't really matter. But I was into making hemp jewelry for like a summer. And people actually were, they would ask me to make them have bracelets. And I went to Joanne Fabrics with my mom and I got a bunch of beads to put in the bracelets. And I also got some guitar picks

and I drilled little holes in the bracelets and I also got some guitar picks and I drilled little holes in the picks so I could add them to my hemp necklaces and bracelets. So yeah, I actually might be down to do the hemp and the polos. Over the substack. Because now I'm starting to think about different ways I can express myself creatively. And the hemp was. And the hemp. You know, there is something low key compelling, not about the hemp, but expressing yourself creatively

with your own hands that I would like to, that's my next step. Yes, crafts. Crafts. But not there quite yet. We'll see how my advice column goes first. Uh, okay. Let's take a break.

We got the rankers ranked. We got the two things done. And I really think the mystery slot adds a huge wrinkle slash fun element to the game. If you ever wanted to end up giving me my own little rancor, you could either opt in or out of the mystery slot. I'm just throwing it out there. And if you guys want to play at home, feel free to invent a mystery slot or a mystery slot style twist. This game is so complicated that really only you understand it.

I think you designed it that way. You know why, you know why, you know why. All right, we're back. One last mini segment to rule them all because we're quite finished, but not all the way yet. Why don't we open it up to an ask Amir anything, an AAA, but you're the only person who gets to ask me. That's right. That's good. Ask Amir advice anything. an AAA, but you're the only person who gets to ask me.

That's right, that's good. Ask Amir advice anything. It's four A's, you can just really crank it. Ask Amir's advice. AAA is actually really good. You could come for my sub stack with that. AAA? I'm gonna find a way to steal your subscribers.

AAA is on the way. Ask Amir anything. Fuck, I don't wanna give advice, but I think I might have to now. Probably do. So I actually have a bunch of questions because the season is changing. I have yards on my mind

and you've had a yard for a long time and I'm curious if you're making the most of it. Like what's happening outside your house? Because since I've known you, you had a tree that fell down, you've lost a lot of your shade, you've lost a lot of your cover, your view is a little bit better,

but the noise has increased and it's pretty sunny out there. And I feel like it's just a lot of sunburned plants and- Yeah, succulents for sure. Right, so like an unused space. Grass filled with dog shit. Yeah. And are you picking up after a loop.

Cushions that are dusty. Right, yeah. So maybe it's time for a revamp. I think it's definitely time for a revamp and I would love for somebody to just come in and do it for me, because I'd hate for the do the back and forth between some sort of landscape architect and me

choosing furniture slash things I should do. You want the reveal. My biggest issue and do not talk while I'm talking is the idea of outdoor furniture having cushions because it rains, it's dusty, the cushions get messed up. Okay, so my mom says, put them away until you need them. If I put them away, I'm never gonna need them. So they're either gone forever or there

and getting destroyed. So my options for new furniture is probably non-cushion but like metallic style chairs that I can just hose down occasionally, less comfortable. But at the very least, I'm not sitting on cushions that have dust and bird shit on them because that's what ends up happening invariably to the cushions. I have such vivid summer memories of like,

it was about to rain and my parents would tell us to go and grab all of the cushions from the deck. Yes, yeah. Like, bring in the cushions. I'm never doing that. It's so funny that parents were just like, they're just down to do that. And to them, everything was hard.

It's like, it rains, you have to bring in the cushions. But we're like, well, no, it doesn't have to be hard. There should be some kind of solution. Aren't there cushions that can, they're all weather cushions. I have some chairs that have all weather cushions. It's a myth. It says all weather, but at the very end of the day,

it will be wet, it will be covered in snow, it will be covered in shit. Yeah, you have to clean them. You can say all weather, but it's not like, ultimately a bird will not shit on it. It's gonna get dust and shit on it. Yeah, but I think it was easier back then in like the 90s to move the cushions in,

because they weren't dealing with like Elon Musk trying to steal an election. So like, I'm already like concerned about more important shit, mom, than to bring the cushions in because they weren't dealing with like Elon Musk trying to steal an election. So like I'm already like concerned about more important shit mom than to bring the cushions in. I like Elon. It's 1994 and there's like a winter Olympics on and it's like this is fun and it's easy. I have no care in the world. Houses cost $172,000 and we can bring the cushions in like a family. The richest person in America has $300 million or something. Yeah, there's a huge wealth inequality. And so I'm just gonna leave the cushions out for a little bit if that's okay.

In fact, I might ruin the cushions as a self-sabotage measure. Get me to never use my backyard ever again. You're not using your yard because you're sort of like, you're dealing with existential dread. But I think- On we, slash low grade anxiety. And I think if you just had a shade sale,

you might be able to sit outside in a chair. Or a pergola. That was an idea when I first got the yard, a nice little awning, a covering, but then you'd have to install that, then stuff can get on that. There's never gonna be a perfect example of a yard that's self-sufficient.

You're ultimately always going to have to do things. I'd love to get planters. I would love to put in fucking peppers and grow them and slice them. That's not gonna happen. Look at you, look at you, you built a little gallery wall behind you. You put up wallpaper on this room.

This took seven years. This took seven years. Okay. And it's not open to the elements. What about an Adirondack chair? I really like that. Yeah. Something I can lounge in outside.

Yeah, I think I'll do that. SpaceX satellite crashing into you on your porch. Ah, somebody's dropping a fucking chemtrail in my yard. Elon's at it again. This is supposed to be weatherproof. Let me ask you, are you still using your sauna? Because you went all in on a sauna. That's what it is, right?

The wooden one? The sauna? My sauna? Yeah, are you still using it? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I use that sauna a few times a week. And what's maintenance like? The sauna maintenance is pretty, it's pretty low key.

You basically, you know pretty low key. Okay. You basically, you know, you sit in there. When you leave, you wipe down, you don't want to use anything too harsh on the wood. So just like some water, leave the door open, let it evaporate, then shut the door. There you go. There's no like every year you have to have someone spray it

with a pesticide for mold that gets into the wood that you're breathing in. It's all weather. I looked it up. Somebody took it down in the sauna on the coals. No one's pooping in the sauna, but yeah, you wanna like kinda, I think you wanna give it a good clean.

Re-finish. You know, with a soap that's not too strong once a year. But I mean, you also wanna clean too strong once a year. But I mean, you also want to clean your grill once a year. And I don't know if I do that. It's like an every two years thing. Dishwasher filter, washing machine, this, that, the other. I'm not gonna put vinegar anywhere. Save your life hacks for someone

who doesn't have to deal with the fact that the rising cost of property taxes is making it completely financially unlivable in my neck of the woods. That's who you should be talking to. I'm moving to Delaware. You can keep the house. You should move to Portugal.

Leave the filters. Really? Yeah. Is it affordable or? No. Nothing is affordable, bitch. No such thing. That's the point. Now bring the cushions in. It might rain tonight.

Or not. Or not. Good lord. All right, good to know. Thanks for the advice. Appreciate it. Subscribe to the stack. That's right.

Substack.com slash at Jay Kerwitz. And for more of us, check out patreon.com slash J A. We were busy crowning the best Jake and Amir episode of all time. But now that we're done with that, we're back to watching J and A episodes that we completely forgot existed. That's right. And there's still some good ones out there. We're not at the bottom of the barrel yet folks.

So check us out there. All right. And thanks for listening. We'll be back here next week as always. So check us out there. All right. And thanks for listening. We'll be back here next week as always. Bye. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original. Hey, I'm Wayne Brady. And I'm Jonathan Mangum. And we're two big improv nerds who get a chance to play and make stuff up on shows like Whose Line Is It Anyway or Let's Make a Deal. And we're now hosting a new improvised show called What If on the Headgum Podcast Network.

And on What If, we believe that improvisation is a conversation. So we get to have conversations with guests from the worlds of TV, film, tech, and literature. Guests like Bobby Moynihan, Aisha Tyler, LeVar Burton, and Adam Conover. We ask them the big, ridiculous questions like, what if you heard a monkey's feelings? What if your grandma was a secret agent? What if Jonathan was invited to the cookout? I'm not. And then we turn the conversation

into spontaneous scenes, songs, well, because that's what we do. Subscribe to What If on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, wherever you get your podcasts, and watch episodes on YouTube. No script, no net, just What If.