If I Were You - 74: Ladies Night

Episode Date: April 28, 2014

In this episode we discuss crushes, pronunciation, and calling out the wrong person's name in bed.This episode is brought to you by CombatGent.com -- Tailored suits starting at $160! Use coupon code "jakeandamir" and get a free tie with any purchase: bit.ly/1ezhbTNSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You're in a band, a sticky spot, a train wreck, a snapper, yeah, you're feeling lost. Or maybe you just spoke so far, well, these fellas just might share their thoughts. They could be wise, they could be mean, no one gives advice better than this epic team, and then... Oh, she's young, Troz and Drew. It might not be as crazy as it seems, if I were you, if I were you, it's time for some advice from these two Jews. If I were you, if I were you, well, take it in here, this is your cue. Alright. Very nice. That was like a Western. Yeah. Yeah, like the opening titles to a Western. I know. Maybe I'm on a burrow and you're leading me. Relax. You're leading me on a donkey ride through...

You're on a burrow? A burrow? Yeah, I'm on a burrow and you're leading me across Southeast Asia. That's not a Western. It's west of Hawaii. Yeah. This is my pitch. I brought a record player to a movie producer's house. I played that song and just as you said, we're in Southeast Asia. It's screeched to a halt. You didn't even, you said Southeast Asia, so not even a Western part of Asia. No, yeah. In what sense is this a Western? Well, it's a spaghetti Western themed... How did you get into my house? What? How did you get into my house? Your window is open, sir. A movie producer. I guess it was warm in here. You cracked open a window and I shoved in the mega... What's the... You're under arrest.

It doesn't matter what the word is. Okay, fine. Jesus Christ. Did you bail out of jail? That theme song was written by and recorded by and sung by one man named Danny Wildcard. He sounds like he's from the West. That's a wild West. Danny Wildcard. Okay, I'm back on board. Well, his real name is Danny Schlotsberg. Is that true? That'd be amazing. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet. I'm Josh. Okay, you dropped the gun there, hosted by us. I'm Josh. And I am... Jake. No, Vance. Yeah. Yeah, I'm Vance today. I like Vance. Vance is sort of... Actually, wait. What? The only advice podcast on the internet is to buy us. I'm Vance. No, dude. What the fuck was that?

It's really chill. You shouldn't have come up with something so chill. I just kidding. Yo, I'm the pinch. This is Vance and the pinch coming at you live. This is slowly morphing into a morning drive time radio show. Uh-oh, it's Vance and the pinch. It's Vance and the pinch. Let us tell you in advance that we can get you out of a pinch. Nice. Thank you. So, how does it work? People are in difficult places. They need advice. They come to us as the theme song suggested. And they email us at ifirureshow at gmail.com. You can do it too. We read them all and try to help a couple people out every episode. What can we say? I don't know. Oh, today's going to be special.

Why? Uh, we found emails from four ladies. What's special about women? What? What's special about women? I can't tell if you're being sexist or if you're trying to put me on blast for being sexist. All of a sudden, neither can I. The tables have turned off completely around and we're back to where we started. Holy shit, I'm a hero all of a sudden. Uh, well, yeah, I don't know. This is ladies night. Is ladies night special? I think so. I, for one, love my mother. There. That's, I guess. No one loves their mother more than I do.

No one loves your mom more than I do. She's more than a saint she's a god. I love you, mom. Did you say you love my mother? Uh, I do, but it was sort of a joke. Okay. No one loves your mother more than I. Actually, your mom really likes me. Yeah, not as much as she likes me. I'm her fucking son. Yeah, but she likes you by default. She chose to like me. Okay. She, she has to like you and she chooses to like me. It means more that she likes me than she likes you. Not true. Sure it is. She loves me more. Only because she's hung out with you more. Yeah. And cause I, I fucking came out of her

to you. I grew inside of her fucking stomach. So I'm pretty sure she likes me a little bit more. I am happy you came to my house for a vacation, but I sucked on her teeth. Jesus. For like two years. You're talking about 2012, right? All right, let's get, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, I'm dead in this movie producer's house. All right. These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Somebody called me out for saying anonymity instead of anonymity. I still don't even understand the difference.

It's such a small subtle fuck you for pointing that out. Anonymous. Isn't that the word? Yeah, but you're supposed, I guess you're supposed to say anonymity and I'm saying anonymity, which I think is clearer. Right. It's just about being clear, not necessarily about pronouncing it. Yeah. It's more about like, we are doing this to preserve their anonymity. Right. Anonymity. Yeah, that's the way you're supposed to say it. Anonymity. Anonymity. Well, whatever we're preserving, let's read this question. We'll call this lady Blanche. Blanche. Blanche writes, Hey dudes, love the show. I have recently gotten close to a guy who was my lab partner this semester. He always appears to be kind and caring and flirty with me. A lot of physical contact during

class, more cutesy, nothing sexual and asking me personal questions. He even asked me out a few times in the past few months, but I was so busy whenever even got together. Here's the thing that bugs me about him. He never tries to contact me outside of the class that we have together. Everything's great when we're together, but no texting or messaging of any sorts after the fact. He has his phone on him most of the time. So it's not that he doesn't use his phone. He has asked me out again and I've agreed to the date, but this keeps bothering me. Does it mean that I'm just a matter of convenience to him? Is he just playing around? I would love to know more. I would love to know more. I would love to know your pimply views on my situation.

Thanks a bunch. Love Blanche. Blanche, first of all, pimply views sounds like we have acne. It doesn't sound like I'm a fucking goddamn smoke show. Well, that's what she's actually implying. Yeah, right. I had one sitting the last nine years. That is funny. It's like man, I'm pimply. Okay, so you have pimples? No, no, no. I'm a fuck. I'm a pimple. I'm pimpy. I have a fucking cane. You have a, oh, I'm sorry. You have a cane? No, like it's cool. Like shit. Accutane? No. Get out of here, you pimply freak. All right, so what do you make of Blanche's situation? It's very interesting. It's funny to see a girl overanalyze things just as much as guys do. Yeah, except this is so clearly bad. She's wrong. So you're upset because this guy's

asked you out several times and then you've brushed him off each and every time except for the last one and he in some weird way took that as a hint not to text you. Right. Do you understand how terrifying it is to talk to girls, let alone ask them out, let alone ask them out multiple times? Right. So for you to re-buff him even once, I would never even look you in the eyes again. Yeah, so you are your miffed and confused as to why he doesn't text you because you said no several times when he asked you out. By the way, he asked you out and you're going on a date with him. Right. So in what world are you upset that he didn't text you? Everybody else in the world is upset that guys don't have the cajones to ask them out to their face in person,

in a fashion way, nice and romantic like. This dude's not being passive. He likes you. He wants you. He's season his cheese going after what he wants and you're asking him to send you a fucking text. To regress? Yeah. But I digress. Blanche, I'll send you a text. LOL. You a hoe. Bad text. Damn right. Girls don't realize how terrifying it is to talk to them. Right. Even the nice ones, the nicer you are, the cooler you are, the scarier you are to me. You are all terrifying to me. Girls don't realize. It's scary to talk to you. It's never, ever, ever like ambiguous for the guy. Yeah. Like it's, oh man, this guy's asked me out a couple of times, but he doesn't text me.

What's the deal? He likes you. Oh, this guy like looked at me once and then never said anything to me. What's the deal? He loves you. Oh, this guy is like, I ams me sometimes, but like, I can't tell. He like talks about other girls. He likes you. Just always. If a guy's talking to you, then he likes you. Yeah, it took so much effort just to talk to you. You don't talk to people you don't like. No, but that's the thing girls do. They'll just like talk to people. Yeah. The problem is that like nine guys out of 10 talking to that girl want her, like her. Yeah. And that's the most that they can do. That's the most that they can muster up. Right. But a girl talking to somebody is like, the girls are just better. They can have friends. Right. Girls can have guys' friends

and not want to bone them. Right. And guys not so much. I think less so. So what should we tell this lady? To not worry that he didn't text you. He asked you out on a date. Go out on the date. Yeah. And then get his number and text him. Yeah. And he'll text you back. Or like, if anything, you embrace that you guys have like this, this, this cooler relationship that is above text, that's, that's great. Right on that plane right there. You wouldn't be able to handle that. You're the, you're a texting aficionado. You love the text zone. I like text. Yeah. They, they, they, they turn me on. They, they get me excited. What do you prefer? Why do you prefer texting to any other means of communication? Like more than email, more than no, I love email,

love phone, but you love text the most text the most. Yeah. Cause they're like little presents that you have to unwrap. I know how sad it sounds. Don't laugh at me and try to pride deeper. I know what I said was fucking horrifyingly sad. But why is, why is a text a gift more than an email? And you know, an email's a gift too. But a text is more exciting. Cause they're the sort of like micro gifts. It's like, it's like unwrapping your stocking on Christmas morning. You don't know what that's like cause you're a fucking Jew. Yeah. But holy shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it like that. I mean, you're a, you're a stupid Jew. Yeah. That's worse. What do you mean? A fucking Jew, a stupid Jew. Those are all bad. Slimey. Yes. What adjectives do you

want? I hate that you're searching for, yeah. Yeah. These are all worst synonyms in the last. Well, all right, whatever. No, no, I'm just kidding. Christmas is the best. I love the Christian side of my family. My mom, you the best. Okay. Oh, we were talking about text messages. I'm, I'm, I'm high. I'm like, I'm really tired right now. We are shooting this or recording this at 415 a.m. before a five a.m. flight. You shook me awake in my sleep. Here's the exciting part about texts and tell me if you agree, there's an immediacy to them. Like emails, you can sit on them for six hours, 24 hours a day or 24 hours, two days. But with text, there's sort of an excitement factor like, oh, this return can come at any moment. Yeah, that's true. It's more immediate.

Yeah. And it's also smaller and shorter. So you have to like cram the wit and meaning. Right. I think they're inherently more flirtatious. And that's what you like. The flirty factor. I don't, I mean, flirting is not important to me, but I'm just kidding. Oh God, I'm, I mean the opposite of that. That's air is not important. No, flirting is everything to me. Air is everything. Without it, I die. Do you understand? So this lady, chill the F.O. This guy asked you out. Everything you do is a hint to him. He's actually playing it cool. He asked you out. You said, no, and he's not texting you. In a different world, you don't like this guy. He asks you out. He says no,

and then he starts harassing you over text message. That's right. So at least he's, he's playing it very, very cool. Well, not that cool. He asked her out several more times. Yeah, but it worked. She likes him. Yeah, it worked. Okay. I'm just saying he's not cool, but go on. He is cool. All right. Here we go. I'm the guy. All right. Next question. Next lady. Dorothy. Dorothy. That was my grandmother's name. Well, maybe you'll find a few coincidences here. Let's see. Is she Russian immigrant? It's hard to tell. Okay. Go on. Did she have four children? I would say no, based on the context clues of the email. Did you make a meme? I'm going to change her name. Did she make a meme? I'm going to change her name.

Okay. Okay. No, let's keep it at Dorothy. Dorothy, here we go. Hey guys, I've got a problem for you. Yesterday in my college sociology class, we learned that during a one night stand, guys tend to get more pleasure out of sex. And when you're in a relationship, the girl gets more pleasure out of sex. I told this to one of my guy friends and we laughed about it. But then he started hinting to me very strongly that he wants to hook up with me. He's a good friend, but I would never consider sleeping with him. At the same time, I don't want to hurt his feelings. What should I do? That's tricky. You don't want to piss him off. Yeah. Well, it would be bad if you hurt his feelings. I mean, you don't want to make him feel low.

Yeah. So I guess for lack of a better piece of advice, the only thing you can do is spread your legs open for him. I would say the only thing you can do is him. Very nice. Next question. Oh my God. That's right. You fucking monster. I'll commit to the bit that hard. I'll commit. I commit to a bit. I'll give a shit. Oh, very nice. The pinch is in a cinch and he is feeling it. Yeah. Well, the pinch commits to a bit. I commit to a bit. I don't give a shit and I'll rub your clip. Hey, hey, hey, hey, dude. If you want me to hit your tit, just tell me that's it. All right. That's it. I will tell you that's it. I would just like to say I am sort of, I wouldn't say it's freestyle rapping. It's more like freestyle slam poetry. Yeah. I feel like if

there was a competition in that, I could compete in it. I think you'd be too nervous to do that. Yeah. You get very nervous easily. I get very scared. Yeah. Chill out. You're comfortable only in the confines of an empty room of microphone and me. I really need you there. Yeah. I really always do. Thank you. I appreciate that. And I'm crippled by it. So let's tell Dorothy the truth here. Every guy wants to bone you. You don't even have the time to placate all your friends that want to have sex with you. That would be more than a full-time job. All of your friends are, they want to sleep with you, but now they're operating under the assumption that they can't, which you should allow this guy to go back to that comfortable

zone of friendship where he knows he can't make a move on you. Yeah. And he's so eager that just this conversation of one night stands in his twisted brain, open the door that he's like, oh, maybe she's bringing this up. I'm just gonna fucking go for it. Right. That's why this is like any guy emailing our podcast is like, oh, this girl brought up one night stands in front of me. Does that mean she wants to bone me? And we would just be like, no, not necessarily. Girls talk about lots of things and don't want to bone you. Every guy is just like, does this mean, does this mean, does this mean? And usually no. And every girl is like, does this mean? And it's yes. It's always yeah. Yeah, it means that. What a weird sociology class. I feel like this

professor should be fired for this weird theory that he's presenting as fact and education. No, that sounds in a social class. We learned that during a one night stand guys to get more pleasure out of sex. But when your relationship girl gets more pleasure, what sort of sociology class is that sociology, not sociology. So I don't know what college you went to, but they obviously didn't have it. They didn't even have a single sociology class. I wonder if they had a class on pronunciation. They're probably not. So the sociology, because that's where you go to learn to be social. I can't wait until like, I find out later on that my pronunciation is correct. Pronunciation, by the way. Not pronunciation. You said pronunciation. I hate this.

Oh, this is the opposite of tickling me. Oh, I was just going to say, I should tickle your little feet right here. Oh, you're cutie. Get off of me. You're adorable. Oh, look at them laugh. They can't. Oh, man, it's so cute. Shit, that was the most genuine adoration I've ever had on the podcast. Edit that out. I can't be that real. So cute, I said. So I think I feel like that has merit during a one night stand. I feel like it's it's much less about like mutual pleasure as it is sort of like some kind of just salacious, just pound, pound, pound, carnal urges. Yeah, sure. But that just seems like a generalization, not something that it should be taught in classrooms. Yeah, I mean, sure, maybe.

But I wonder if there's like some kind of, I'm sure there was like a study done on it that the professor took and presented to the class, I feel like. Don't be so sure. I want to ask where this girl goes to school. Holy shit, it's Yale. I stand more than correct. Holy shit, it's Berkeley. I didn't know they had a sociology class there. The sociology of pronunciation. I don't want to hurt his feelings. That would be the worst. Okay, so don't ever sleep with someone because you don't want to hurt their feelings. That's not a good reason. Yeah. Like I said, feelings, that's fine. Yeah, it's good to hurt someone's feelings, especially if it's the because of the fact that you don't want to sleep with them.

Yep. And yeah, all your good friends want to sleep with you. Unfortunately, that's one of the things bad things about being a lady. Yeah, but it's fine because you don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings because you have your own feelings and it would hurt your feelings to sleep with someone because you just don't want to hurt his feelings. So your feelings come first. His don't matter. Don't fuck with him. It must be fun to be a girl who's down to sleep with her male friends. You must have the pic of the litter. There's like an app that's like, would you fuck me? Like it goes through your Facebook friends and you say, will you fuck? Oh yeah, I know that. It's like a Tinder thing, but for your friends. Right. It's like

private unless you match. Right. So it seems like one of those things where guys are always saying, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and girls selectively say yes. But when they do, it's probably a match. Yeah, that's interesting. I wonder if that app has led to any boning. Yeah, I'm sure. Good for it. I mean, even just the app Facebook led leads to lots of boning. So if there's a specific app within Facebook of like, I would fuck you. Yeah, for sure. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional license therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a

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because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace, because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online

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Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. All right, question number 30. We need another rose, rose, rose, right. That's cool. R, R, rose, right. R, W, all right. Okay. The three Rs. So recently, sex with my boyfriend has been pretty boring. And I just don't get excited like I used to. So to spice things up, I've been thinking about Seth MacFarlane during sex. Unfortunately, I was so into it last time we had sex that I accidentally called out Seth as I came.

I told my boyfriend whose name also begins with S that I just mispronounced his name. But he doesn't believe me and thinks I'm thinking about some other guy at our college. Should I tell him the truth that I'm fantasizing about Seth MacFarlane during sex or just hope the situation dies out. Oh, and an 18-year-old freshman girl in college, if that makes any difference. Thanks, rose. Oh, rose. How boring has your sex life gotten that even as an 18-year-old a freshman in college, arguably the hottest age and place you could be, you're thinking about fucking Seth MacFarlane. Who's your boyfriend? Peter Griffin? He should definitely. Brian? Wow, yeah. I've never heard of a Seth MacFarlane sex fantasy. That's so weird.

Unless she's really attractive to money. Right. Cause dude is loaded. You can sing. That's kind of cool. Yeah. Actually, he's got a tan. He's a great smile. No. Wonderful hair. No. My god. I'm attracted to Seth MacFarlane now more than ever. You're rock hard and that's not okay. No, that's not cute. So should she, would you, should she continue the ruse of saying no, no, no, I was just mispronouncing your name or should she fess up to the fact that she's talking Seth MacFarlane? I'm trying to think of what, what I would want in the situation where I'm the boyfriend and someone calls out someone else's name. Yeah. Does that ever happen to you in a relationship? I don't think so. I've been called like, not during sex. Well, I've been called during

sex things that weren't my name, but not with girlfriends. And I've been like mistakenly called an ex's name just like in casual conversation. Like, oh, what do you want for, what do you want for dinner, John? And it's like, whoa. I'm not cool. I didn't like that one bit. Only because I don't want to eat dinner with you. I don't care what the fuck you call me. But it's interesting because like, she doesn't have an ex named Seth. So it's not like he's, she's, you know, thinking of an ex, which is good. Right. She's thinking of a quote unquote celeb. Right. Well, this guy thinks that he's, that she's thinking of somebody else at school. So if anything, she should say Seth McFarland because then it's like, no, I'm not thinking about Seth, that guy, I'm thinking

about Seth McFarland. And it's like, oh, that's funny and weird. Well, where my mind just went was like, if I was sleeping with someone that I loved that I wanted, that I, that was someone I really cared about. And they yelled out, oh, fuck me, Dwayne. And I was like, and then I would, I'd be like, what the fuck was that? Like, who's this guy Dwayne that you're sleeping with? And she would be like, oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not sleeping with anybody. I just like, I have a fantasy about the rock Dwayne Johnson. And I would be like, I'm glad that you're not sleeping with anyone else. But now I can never watch a Dwayne Johnson move. I can never watch the, I can never look at the rock and like I look in the mirror and I don't look like the rock. So I'm like, what the fuck are you

doing with me? And then that'll be the way my confidence. So if this guy doesn't look like Seth McFarland, I think it's not necessarily a good thing to be like, no, no, no, it wasn't this guy Seth at school. It was, it was a celebrity that you can never be. And he's really rich and successful and funny and you're boring. So I fantasize about him. But then there's that, I'm sorry, I'm talking a lot, just don't interrupt me yet. There's like a double standard of, you know, like if I'm sleeping with someone that I'm bored with, and I'm like imagining Anna Kornakova, then that then, I don't know, am I allowed to judge my, my significant other just because they're using somebody else's face and their imagination to get off? I guess if you're doing it, then it's not fair to accuse

the other person or be mad at them for doing it. Yeah. Also, if you're fucking the rock, you should just say, oh, rock, rock, rock. I bet even people who actually fuck the rock don't say, oh, Dwayne. No, I think if you have, if you get to like, if you actually get to be penetrated, penetrated by Dwayne Johnson, I feel like you're close and intimate and you almost relish that you can call him Dwayne instead of the rock, which is kind of cool. What if you, wouldn't it be amazing to climax with the rock? What are you talking about? Just to come at the same time. As the rock? Yeah, just like a simultaneous orgasm. I don't know if he has like a wife or a girlfriend or whatever, but like to fuck him and look in his eyes as he's coming and when he gives you the people's eyebrow

and reach that peak the same time. Yeah. As he screams. Do you smell? What the rock is coming? Yeah. Cool. I will submit that I think you got to just, you started the lie. I think you have to see it through because you know, it's fine to have fantasies and it's fine. I think also to just picture other people while you're fucking to get off because your boyfriend, more than anything, I'm sure at least he should want you to have an orgasm and feel good. But I don't think, I think you fucked up by, you slipped. You said the guy, you said Seth MacFarlane's name. I think you had to stick to your story and be like, I said your name. I just pronounced it because you're making me feel so good. Yeah. He can't call, he can't ever be sure that you said somebody else.

He can only think that you did. Right. And then if you say Seth MacFarlane, it sounds like, oh, maybe I was, I'm now, I'm trying to like think of ways to cover it up. That's true. It's too late. Stick to your guns. You already lied. Don't go back because then he's like, you're lying about a million things. Yeah. Can you imagine what it would be like to have sex with Seth MacFarlane? I think it would sound a little something like this. Oh, oh, oh, what the deuce? Uh, geez, Lois. Giggity, giggity. Uh, hey, Pete. Um, geez, I'm Brian. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, geez. Oh, I'm coming. Ooh, ooh, ooh. People are going to think we are high, but I sure you were not. That was a joke I made.

We really shouldn't do that. I mean, that was incredible. Just watching that was so fucking funny. We should do an episode where we're stoned. Yeah. Where we get baked. Actually, if you want to watch an episode of something we did when we were stoned, you could look at my brother's Instagram. What? Oh, yeah. That was the first time we ever shot something when we were faded. I feel like so many people are like, they watch the videos, they listen to the podcast, like, oh, you guys just get like fucking stoned and you make shit up. Like, yeah, never, ever high. But that one night. Uh, what is your brother's Instagram? That's actually pretty funny. I think it's for people to try to find it. I'm pretty sure it's his name.

Micah Hurwitz. I think so. Micah, yeah, Micah Hurwitz. Oh, and it's his last video as of now. Uh, captioned fruit salad. If you think we make Jake and Amir videos high, wait till you see this video and see how bad it is. That's what it would look like if we actually were high. My new thing is just drinking coffee and shooting Jake and Amir's. That's the most fucked up I'll ever get. All right, break time. Do you need a break? I mean, I'm down to power. Is there anything going on in my life? What's Gucci? That's a great question. Well, let's see. This episode comes out April 28th. We've already, we're done. We're done with our tour. One of us got some pretty terrible news,

actually, over the last couple weeks. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's you. Unfortunately, it's you. Wow. Yeah, you, you detected a mole, I guess, that you didn't see before. I detected a mole. Yeah, I guess you just found a mole on like the underside of your thigh and you're like, where the fuck is this? Where has this been? And a doctor like scraped it up and I guess there's still, the biopsy is pending, but you're a little bit nervous that it might be. So that's the bad news that I got? Yeah. You're kind of pulling a punch there, don't you think? All right, dude, what do you want me to say? It was skin cancer. I'm sorry. I wanted you to shoot me straight and you ultimately did. I appreciate it.

Oh, Seth. Oh, gosh. Oh, the live podcast. May 31st at the Hollywood Improv. We're going to post more details on our website, ifireushow.com. Boom. I think that's it. I don't know, man. What do you want me to say? I don't know. There's got to be some, let's talk about something that's not a promotion of anything. Let's just mean you fucking sit and think about what's up? What's going on with you? How is the Tinder scene? How's your move in LA? What's new? Tinder is very sparse. Okay. Maybe I'm not swiping as much as I should. I don't know. I feel, I talk to people who use Tinder a lot and they never meet up anymore. Is Tinder becoming like oversaturated with people who are not interested in meeting up? I wonder if it's like, where we were in New York, it's so easy

to meet up with people and it's really common. You go to a bar and you try to collect as many people as you can. In LA, it's a lot more, there's a lot more very specific plans going into going to a bar. So you think it's an LA versus New York thing, not just Tinder over time? Well, I think it's New York versus everywhere thing instead of Tinder over time. Yeah. I think New York was like, people are still, you know, people in New York that are tendering and still meeting up with people. I guess I haven't checked in in a while. Yeah, I don't know. I wonder. Yeah, I think I do. You would think there's going to, there would be a new Tinder that like takes what Tinder does, but maybe improves upon it. Like the first app that does something

is never as successful as the later iterations. That's true. What would the new Tinder be? It hasn't been invented yet, or maybe people are working on it right now, and it's going to revolutionize it. It'll be like what Tinder used to be before all these, I'm sorry, but Jews joined. Jesus breaks over. You anti-Semite. I had to say a minority that I could possibly fall into otherwise. The joke could be too offensive. I understand. Oh, God forbid, I said Tinder before Asian people joined. Wow. Suddenly. Oh, I can't say that. You're not Asian. You ultimately did say it. Okay, but I at least saw from the blow by turning it into some sort of weird bit. Douche. Yeah, I don't know. One of these days, one of these days, Tinder's going down.

You still, have you ever been on a Tinder date? Yeah, one lady. Tota. Very Tota. Okay, moving more than on. All right, we'll talk about this after the show. Still recording it. You coy little baby. You are blushing little Pillsbury dojo. Oh my gosh. Look at you. You couldn't be more coy if you tried. You're a coy boy, but you're still a coy. No, I'm not. All right. Very good. Asians like soy. Here we go. Last, last question. Last question of ladies night. It comes from ladies night. Sophia, did we say? I don't know. I'll say Sophia. Perfect. Sophia writes, Hey guys, I met a dude through work. He's a contractor for my company and we

hit it off right away. I'm his main contact at the company, but almost all of our work emails devolve quickly into jokes and gifs going back and forth. We've hung out outside of work, getting drinks and dinner a few times, and we always have a great time and end up hanging out for hours. We've definitely been flirty, but not overt about it. Neither of us has made a move yet beyond these hangouts that could be dates, but might just be friendly get togethers. If he didn't work for me, I would just say something, but I'm worried about making shit weird. I can't tell if we're just taking things really slowly or if he sees me as a friend or if he doesn't even know I'm interested. Should I just say something or wait for a clearer signal or what? Tota, Sophie.

Sophia, right? Oh yeah, Sophia. Okay. You also said gifs instead of gifs. Is that a, is that? This episode is called pronunciation, pronunciation, enunciation. Okay. I've had enough of your punctuation and this situation is, it's, it's an infatuation. Love that. I, Sophia, sorry to say he is only interested in your friendship. Really? Because otherwise, why would he go out to dinner with her and get the drinks and like the emails and the flirtiness and like all that stuff. It's like friendship. Guys dig chicks as friends. Yeah. And like the one-on-one stuff like that, like you've been going out hanging out for hours. Yeah, that's what you do with your friendship. And if, if you have an email relationship with a girl and it like devolves into like cutesy stuff

and like sending little animated images and stuff, that's what you do with your bros. That's what you do with your dudes. That's what you do with your compadres. And I think like even when like work, work emails turn into just like, you know, this is logistics, logistics, and then I'll do that with any girl. Yeah. Like even if girls, even if the girl I'm not like attracted to, like I'll flirt with her over email. I'll be like cute and send her emails, go back and forth, take her out to dinner. And it's like, yeah, spend, spend time with her like nights. Yeah. On your weekend, dinner, drinks. Because I value our friendship. I want like to make friends, new friends with this cute girl. Don't make a move. It is dangerous. It would ruin the friendship. He would reject you

and then it would be weird with work. It'd be like, whoa, you misread the situation. I am here to be friends with you. I came out because I thought it would be a cool platonic thing. Yeah. And the drinks were a way of being like a social lubricant so that we can have more interesting conversations. He wants to fuck you, Sophia. He wants to put his penis in you. And I think you want to put your vagina around his penis. Which sounds like a win-win. Yeah. Because you don't need a clear sign than him flirting with you over email and asking you out repeatedly. It sounds like he's a little bit of a coward that he hasn't leaned in to kiss you. Once again, girls are terrifying. Yeah. That's what it is. Like he's

going through this 10 times worse than you are. You were like, what is he? What does he want? It's so clear what he wants and he just has no idea that you want it because I'm sure that he's used to girls not wanting it. Yeah. Because all guys, that's all guys are ever used to. Every time I've ever kissed a girl, I've been like, oh, dope. You wanted to do that? Yeah. Hell yeah. Thanks. Because there's a giant fear of rejection because a lot of times it happens. Exactly. And that's why girls are... Well, not for me, but... Yeah. In general. People. Yeah. For ugly people. Right. Yeah. Especially for mediocre to ugly people. How many times have you leaned in to kiss someone and they rejected you? Well, I play it. I'm so cowardly that I wait until the ultimate

signal. I don't take big risks, but it's happened a couple times. You wait for the ultimate signal and it still happened? Yes. That is correct. What is that? The ultimate signal is kiss me, Amir, and then you lean in and they say, whoa, what the fuck were you doing? More or less. That has happened. Yes. When? Not necessarily actually saying kiss me, but all the signs were there. And I ran a green light and got T-boned by a Mack truck. I don't know where or when that happened. Wow. Yeah. I don't know. It's happened. What can I say? We got a lot to talk about. Signals are getting mixed. Things happen. I don't know. Well, I'll say it to Sophia. He obviously likes you. We should have a wheel, like a Wheel of Fortune wheel, but every space says he's into

you. So it's like, ooh, good question. Let's see what the magical wheel says. And then we spin and it's like, yeah, he's into you. Yes. Guys are dumb apes and girls are beautiful little complex butterflies. But they're also dumb because they can't tell when a guy's into them when it's always yes. Oh, that's true. Girls are dumb too. Yeah. That's the beautiful thing. We're all dumb for different reasons. We're all stupid. We all suck. Well, I wouldn't say they suck. They're just, they give people too much benefit of too much doubt. They suck. We suck. We all suck. Human beings are doomed. Well, don't, don't drag us down to your level. Obviously, you suck more than us. Human beings are doomed. And so are all the brides and all the grooms.

You're good. You're on, you're doing something interesting tonight. I like it. It's, it's like almost like you like rhymes or some shit tonight. Rhymes are cool. Yeah. I mean, to them, I think. I only speak in rhymes. All right. That's it. Because that was ladies night. And it's in the night. And it's in the night. Well, tonight. I only speak in rhymes. I do it all the while. Nice. Nice. The anti rhyme. Now we've definitely reached the end of this little experiment. We call episode 74. That opening theme song was written by Danny Wildcard, who I guess is a magician or a blackjack dealer or something with that nickname. And this closing one is from Matt Vreason. And the reason he has a weird name is because he's from Canada. We appreciate it. Matt Vreason,

and we appreciate it. Danny Wildcard. And if you have your own theme song submissions or own questions of your own, own, own email if I were you shown at gmail.com. I'm going to go kill myself. Was you? What would they do if they was you?