If I Were You - 74: Maine Trail

Episode Date: April 14, 2025

In this episode we discuss great states, great ranks, and everything in between.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. I'm going to shit. Meet you two pathetic hoes Seconds Arguably one of the most visually interesting intros we've ever done now that we've stopped doing video. No one will ever see. Instead of performing for the YouTubes of the world, we're basically using it to get ourselves into character and hype. So Jake bent over and did some sort of, was that a goat sea? Or is that like a full goat sea?

What was that? Cause I saw a lot of that's where I see, right. That's where one cheek spread out, right? The other one shoved to the right as well. Exactly. You can't quite see the full side. The other is trying to close. Yes. Exactly. The an you can't quite see the full sock. One side's trying to open, the other is trying to close. Yes, exactly.

The anus is a jar. It was a waning gibbous, it was a waxing crescent, it was an ass that did and should quit. A waning anus. Quit, a wainess for short. Okay, this is Segments, segmented podcast. It's sort of our like bizarre little love triangle between you, me and the audience

where in we troll slash love slash hate each other, different segments bringing different things to the table. Last week I gave you a good old fashioned game of rancor. Rancor. And I think you won. I did, I think ultimately. Yeah. I ultimately won because the end of the day,

rancor is really about ranking the things that you find the least rank to the most rank. Yeah. Without repeating. There was a mystery slot with regards to using laissez-faire once a day for a month that you opted out of and tried to get back into. Yes.

And I was wondering if you were, you've been sort of teasing that at home to sort of grease the wheels just in case the mystery slot comes back. That's a good question. Let me, I'll ask, I'm gonna, Jill is in the office with me right now. I'll just ask her nonchalantly what she thinks.

Okay. Jill, if I started using the phrase laissez faire, how many days in a row do you think I would have to use it before you asked me what was going on? Right away. That's what I said, she said right away. One. Yeah. I said the whole one.

It's this laissez, stop, stop, stop. You're acting weird. Don't even say fair. She shoots you in the head. I assume that was a clone or something bizarre is happening. That is not a very laissez faire attitude that you've just adopted jumping down my throat like that. You're a creature of habit.

You use only a very finite amount of words and any deviation from that would mean that you're not being yourself. Exactly. But here we are with a fresh new episode and a fresh new game of Ranker. Oh my God, wait, what? Yes, this is Ranker yet again.

In this version of Ranker, I'll be asking Amir to rank things from least rank to most rank. And guess what? There's actually two fun little deviations from the game. You also can choose a mystery rank or, okay, or you can choose a bonus. Interesting.

If you choose the bonus rank, you're gonna get a good ranker. If you choose the bonus rank, you're gonna get a good ranker. But then I get to order, I get to pick the order of your second rank. So I can lock myself into the bonus good rank as long as I'm willing to deal with the worst one that you have. As number two.

Yeah. Yeah, like, would I rather the second and third worst thing or like the best thing but but also the worst question. I think I know the answer to this, but do I have to opt into the bonus and the mystery slot now, or can I hear them out first? You can, no, you have to choose before you hear, obviously. I think I'm going to pass on the bonus then,

just in case he made one so bad that it outdoes the bonus. Like the bonus is you giving me a million dollars, but the worst one is like I have to set fire to my house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right, cool. So the bonus has been eliminated. You cannot choose the bonus.

We get to hear what it was? I will reveal the bonus has been eliminated. You cannot choose the bonus. We get to hear what it was? I will reveal the bonus. The bonus was you get a cool forearm tattoo. Oh, so I'm glad I didn't, I don't even want that. That one almost sounds as bad as the worst one. It was a little bit of a gotcha journalism, monkey's paw as it were. I didn't think you'd want the cool forearm tattoo.

Let alone the worst one that would have come along with it. A cool forearm tattoo followed by maybe something bad, but nothing is as bad as setting fire to your house. What would a cool one be? Probably for me. Line drawing of Luke. Oh, that's nice. All right, I'll get that anyway.

All right, I thought so. After he passes, of course. Now you've locked in the mystery rancor. The mystery rank is you have to go to a pool party wearing a long white t-shirt over a thong. That's pretty bad. That thong, the thong, thong, thong. You don't have to go in the pool.

It will kind of look like you're wearing a nightgown, but if you get wet, your thong outlines will show. It'll show. Okay, so that's number one. Remember, I'm going to give all of these to you. I will not be repeating them. So your mystery one is number one. Pool party in a long white t-shirt

over that thong, the thong, thong, thong. Thong, thong, thong. Okay. Okay, now onto the numbered ranks. You grow- So I'm not choosing that one at all, that one's gone as well. The mystery?

No, that's in there. That's in there. You have to choose, you're gonna have to order that one. So commit it to memory or write it down. Okay. We'll not be repeating it. You grow two inches, but you must have a goatee. Your height will be six foot one.

Pretty ideal. And your goatee will be on your face. Yeah, six one is nice, but. Yeah, it's a nice height. It's a nice height. And you'll still have a beard-ish, just not on your cheeks. Go see, it's just the chin or mustache too.

Moustache and chin. And I'll let you have sideburns. Oh, pretty close. It's very close. It's insanely close. I'll let you have one side of the beard. It's just the cheeks. Yeah.

Which is really the only thing I'm looking to cover. Next. Number two, you can never flush the toilet after you poop again. Instead, you must ask someone to do it by saying, I did a poopy. I can sort of, yeah, finagle that to be an at-home problem so that I never feel the shame. Right, exactly. You can, you'll have to, you'll have to convince Avital to always do it. Yeah. But as long as you're pretty regular, it shouldn't be a huge problem.

And other places, you know, you're probably pooping in public restrooms or whatever. Pretty rarely. Places where you might be okay just rushing out like you didn't do anything. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, number three, you get a Maserati but your license plate is the R word. Which R word? You know which one. Gotcha. Oh, you didn't say it. All right. Avital has an extramarital affair with Novak Djokovic.

That's pretty cool. Very cool. Can you blame her? I just wanna choose that one. Yeah. That's kind of awesome. It's a great debate. Me and Nole being fucking Eskimo brothers.

Nole, Nole. Number five. 24 grit, yeah. I give you a 45 minute foot massage. How'd you like that? But if I get hard, I'm gay. That's the monkey's paw. Number six, you have to launch a GoFundMe for your honeymoon to Japan.

That's a good one. Number seven, you have to go into Madewell every single day for a month and ask them if they sell ham. What's the ham? Is it like Honeywell? It's pretty close, right? Isn't there like a ham company called Honeywell? Oh, is there? I don't know.

Is it Honeybaked? Honeybaked ham? Honeywell? I know. Honeywell is... Honeybaked is the ham. Honeywell is I know, Honeywell is, Honey baked is the ham, Honeywell is thermostats. That's right.

Okay, we have to walk into a Madewell every day and ask them if they have ham. Number eight, every time you order a coffee, you have to say the following, yes, I'll have all the coffee. I've had a day. And then when they ask you what you really want, you have to say that you don't care.

Even a Trent-A water is fine for now. I just need to get high. I've had a day. I just need company. Number nine, DM the last 10 people to like your latest tweet and ask them for a picture of their feet. That might get me in hot water or might disappear entirely.

You need to make $100 by singing songs outside of the head come office. Okay, might take a while. Yeah, unless you're Okay. Might take a while. Yeah. Unless you're good. Might take forever. Yeah.

It could take a long time. That's it. Those are 10 plus the mystery. Thank God I didn't opt into the bonus. If I did the bonus, I'd be kicking my ass right now. You'd be upset to have a tattoo. Literally. Uh, okay, okay. I prefer the ones that aren't permanent.

Like the 6'1 goatee thing seems to last forever. So as long as you have the goatee. Yeah. And then once I shave it, I reduced down to my 5'11 nature. Yeah. Uh, okay. So I my 5 11 nature. Yeah. Okay. So I'll get rid of that one. Uh, I probably shouldn't have an offensive word as my fricking license plate.

All right. Are you happy woke liberal elites? I'll give up the awesome car. That means you won't get mad at me for using a slur on the license, which I probably can't have anyway. I'd have to make it custom and I would get pulled over a lot. So I gotta remove the Maserati. I gotta remove the Goatee.

I gotta remove the GoFundMe. Yeah, GoFundMe is pretty bad. Cause that's embarrassing. But you would end up going to Japan. Maybe, but I don't even know if people would donate cause like there are, I think some better causes out there. For sure, for sure. Yeah.

The Madewell thing is a private shame. A quiet shame that only I have to endure. Nobody will know that you do that. Where are you going? private shame, a quiet shame that only I have to endure. Where are you going? They'll say on my way to Sweet Green. I just have to pop into the Madewell real quick. I saw you asking them a question. What was that?

Don't worry about it. But I do have to drive back there tomorrow and every other day for the rest of the month. I've never seen salespeople avoid someone as they walk in. They usually ask if you need anything. Do you guys sell ham? At a certain point, you could just go in and be like, you know what I'm gonna ask.

You know what I'm gonna ask. You guys, you know the ham question's coming. Just yell no at me and I'll leave. You know what I'm gonna ask. I know the answer. I obviously have to do this for some insane reason. I was playing rancor and here we are. I mean, that's obviously more ideal than never flushing a toilet after a shit. That's just life-changing. I have to eliminate that one. Yeah. I don't want to wear an extra white long tee at a pool party. I often barely don't even want to go into the pool

at a pool party because it attracts too much attention. So if I wore a long tee and a thong, that's basically my entire life right there. That's just the shame that I never want to experience, especially if it's a cool pool party. Um, so that leaves us with some pretty dope options. Yeah, you got the way. Actually, I'm not going to repeat anything. I won't be repeating anything.

Yeah, you got the, wait, actually I'm not gonna repeat anything. I won't be repeating anything. The $100 busking seems like a fun video slash challenge if I can pull it off. Like I can make, I can turn that into content where I'm like, let's see how good of a singer I am. And then I can donate the money to charity or whatever the fuck at the end. So I don't have to feel the shame of accepting their cash.

Right, or use it to buy ham. Mm, at a Madewell or not. So I'm gonna eliminate the Madewell one just because that's privately embarrassing. I don't want to order a coffee like that every day. I want the saying that I'll have all the coffee. You'll never get your coffee order again. I'll have whatever you want or something.

What was it? Yeah, you don't care. First you say you need all of the coffee, then they say what do you really want? And you're repeating it. And you are repeating. So that one is eliminated. Simon says repeat the situation.

repeat the situation. The game could potentially end, but I'll keep fucking going on. You're a farce now. You know that. So the a hundred dollar busking sounds fun, but I can see a world where it's nine hours deep and I've made $63 and I'm just like, I'm having a miserable time. And you just wanna go home. Yeah. It's also pretty hot.

That's like a very, I don't know if the sun hits that wall pretty particularly heavy this time of year, but it's always pretty hot right under the marquee. So I think I'll eliminate that one. Okay, which brings us to the final three of which I have to choose to. Yeah. Is there any more clarity behind the Novak Djokovic Avital affair? Like, is it a one time fling or like a full emotional connection that they have that seemingly unbreakable.

I think it's a one-time fling, but it is fun and they're flirty and they want to see each other again when he comes in town for an Indian Wells, or if she wants to fly out for a Roland Garros. Oh, he's going to fly her to Paris. And that's not like a package deal. He doesn't, does he mind me being there? He doesn't want to necessarily see me. Can I be involved in any way? You can be involved just in that he knows

he has to work around you. So if he's like, yeah, Amir has to come to Roland Garros and you at least you're gonna sleep in my hotel for the weekend. And Amir will go and see women's doubles while I'm railing you. Novak Kukabich in a way.

I think I then have to, as much as I do appreciate the greatness. And at this point it's undeniable. I mean, the resume speaks for itself. Right. 24 Grand Slams, say what you will about Rafa, speak every truth about Roger. Like they just can't touch the resume at this point.

They can't hold a candle to this Serbian king. I don't know what I have to tell you. If you don't call him the goat, then something is wrong or you're not paying attention. That being said, it might ruin my life. So I think I'm gonna get down to these two feet related options. Yeah, well look at that.

One is a 45 minute foot massage. From me. Where, from you. Where I could probably either make a funny video or take some funny photos of you doing it, which is kind of embarrassing for you. And I can sort of tune out the fact that it's you. And if it's an actual 45 minute long foot massage, it would feel good.

Yeah, I would try. So better than, I guess, my marriage being dissolved because of Novak. And then the last one that I'm taking kind of a risk on is DMing the last 10 people who liked my tweet and asked for a feet photo, hoping that it's not like an underage woman and hoping that they don't take me seriously. And if they do, then hoping that they don't out me as some sort of pervert. But even if they do, it's like, I'm asking for feet photos.

I'm not threatening them. So it's like, I'm just a freak. There are three, yeah, there are three kind of layers of protection there, which is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Like for it to go haywire would require the person being underage or me, like them outing me or, you know, maybe an X or something weird like that. And I don't think that would happen based on my recent sports tweets. Right. So I think ultimately I have to pull the trigger, get rank, get wild with that foot massage

and the feet picture. And if I could do those back to back, then it's almost like I'm in character as some sort of foot fetishist. So it would make sense. I asked for the foot massage. I take a picture, I tweet it, people like it. I DM them and they say, can I see your feet?

Well, then it's gonna seem pretty real. Hell, I'm into feet, I guess. Yeah. You're legit obsessed. Yeah, which is fine. There's weirder, kinkier, freakier, worse fetishes out there than feet probably. That's true. Okay, that's it. That was my final ranking.

So good job. Very good job. You went nine five four ten eight seven two six three one. Say that again. Nine five four ten eight seven two six, one, which means you lose. The magical order. That's the exact numerical order I wanted to get you to say. I predicted that would be your order. Do you realize how hard that is? And thus you do in fact lose the game of rancor. And now you have to get a tattoo.

And I hope you all played along. I And now you have to get a tattoo. And I hope you all played along. I really hope you guys played along at home. That's right, me too. Okay, let's take a break, come back. And I got a game for you actually. Wow. Yeah.

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slash promos. Easy. Yeah. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Woo, woo, woo, Helix. Sleep is really important. I don't know if you know this, Jake, but it's actually pretty crucial

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Not so much a quiz as it is a test or an exam, but I appreciate the nod to the effort one must put in, one must expend to reap the rewards and the benefits. Let's put a pin in that there and not discuss it any further. And let's move on to the next talking point. I know you take a lot of pride in acing this exam, but like you have so many more important things

you can point to when trying to brag about something than saying how you sleep on a Helix. Name one good thing in my life. Go ahead, I'll wait. Yeah, I guess you don't have a lot going for you. Actually, one thing you have going for you is if you go to helixsleep.com slash segments, they're now offering 20% off sitewide.

Whoa. Yeah. It's their spring savings event. So helixsleep.com slash segments, and then use that coupon code segments for 20% off their already low, low prices. Gorgeous. How about that? Shout out to Helix. Boom, baby. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you. BetterHelp, it's great to talk to a professionally licensed therapist when things are getting anxious and stressful in your life. Of course. But therapy can cost anywhere between a hundred dollars to $250 per session, which adds up fast, but with BetterHelp you can save on average up to 50% per session. Damn, not bad.

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to get 10% off your first month. Wow. Yeah, betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash segments. Segments 10% off your first month. Wow. Yeah better help Help.com slash segments segments Yeah The rates are already low and they'll give you an additional 10% off your first month if you tell them we sent you nice And you promised they're all in the same office. No, I said we're in like Albuquerque No, I didn't I said that they're not they have over 30,000 therapists, but they could be anywhere That's the way they're saving money because there because they're not actually paying for that overhead.

They're not paying for a building. They're not paying for the building and they're passing the savings along to you. Thank you, better help. Thanks. And we're back. Hola, everybody. Jake, I thought it would be fun to play a game

that leans into your love slash appreciation of being an amateur American geographer. Okay, okay. That is actually pretty exciting to me. D&D meets Oregon Trail in a way. So this is what I'm gonna do. You are setting on an adventure of a lifetime. It's you and three friends, okay?

Great. And you're beginning at one point of America, and I'm gonna try to guide you across America, but things can cause your party to die. The goal of the game is to get from one side of the country to the other with as many people alive as possible. If you lose all four people of your party, you lose the game, you've ended your life, and the entire situation has been a failure for you and your friends. So we'll call it road drip road rank. So for the for the first thing I need from

you is the name of your party. It's you plus three. Okay. Keep in mind, these people might die. So it doesn't, you might not wanna name them after loved ones. I see. Like how likely, how dangerous is this mission

and how much am I going to like rely on their expertise? Like. It's all your expertise. And if you are an expert, there is no risk at all all if you are in fact a faker a dumbass and somebody who doesn't know how America works at all You will not survive this journey. It is relies entirely upon your shoulders. Okay All right, so I'll bring my physical therapist Jeff. Mm-hmm I'll bring my physical therapist, Jeff. I'll bring my dentist, Dr. P.

And I will bring the guy that runs our doggy daycare, Adam. So it's you, Jake. This is the people I'm familiar with that I will, like if they die, that would. I'd be totally fine. It'd be sad, but I'm not risking loved ones. I'm sure they'd love to hear that too. This is you getting a root galley.

They're expendable to me. You got to understand. I think they're all great, honestly. Yeah, but I can always see another dentist. Yeah. Okay, your adventure begins in one of your favorite states, Maine. Okay, great.

Your goal is to get to my favorite state, California. Easy. And the goal of the game is to move north, east, south, or west until you get to a new state, at which point there will be a security guard at that state and he'll say, welcome to, and then you have to say the correct state. And if you get it correct, they'll let you through.

And if not, they'll choke one member of your party in front of you and let you through. Okay, great. So I need to, basically I need to come up with continuous states. Sorry, I'm still talking. Welcome to Maine. Okay.

Are you done? Curious, which direction do you want to travel in until you reach a new state? Would you like to go north, east, south or west? I guess I'll go, I'm going to California. I might as well just go west. All right, you're stumbling upon a security guard. Holy shit, it's a state border.

And he says, welcome to this state. If you know which one I'm talking about, you can travel on through. If not, I'm gonna choke this dentist to death in front of you Oh not the doctor Yeah, the doctor Vermont the security guard ambles close to you and sizes you up. I square up with him

I know he walks over to the dentist. Hey get your hands off He walks over to the dentist. Hey, get your hands off. He says, you know what? I was gonna let you through, but this isn't Vermont. And he chokes the dentist to death in front of you. You haven't made it one state before. One member of your party is choked to death. He then lets you in to the great state of New Hampshire.

That's right, Maine is the only state in America that borders one other state. That state is New Hampshire, you guessed Vermont, and your dentist is dead. The other two members of your party are getting really fucking nervous now. They're like, why did you sign up for this? Damn, I really should have known that I guess.

And you haven't even made it one state over and they're like, we got kind of a long way to go. I hope your knowledge of the Midwest or something is a little better than that. But I think now we're in the clear. To choose a direction. Yeah, we're gonna keep on moving west. This is you reassuring them.

Sorry about that. New Hampshire was a glitch. That was on me. Okay, we are moving on to Vermont for real now. So you're going which direction? West. West. West?

Security guard stops you and says, "'Welcome to you, save Vermont.'" Is it the same security guard? The and says, welcome to you, say, Vermont. Is it the same security guard? Same guy, he's moving faster than you guys and lets you through. Okay. But he's sort of staring at the fucking physical therapist knowing that his time is coming.

You murdered my dentist. Prepare to die. You're in Vermont now. We're in Vermont, we're gonna move on, West. I'll tip my hat to the security guard, call. He says, welcome to. My condolences into the dental practice. Yep.

I do believe now I've gone from Vermont to New York. Nod's lets you through. You've survived yet another state border crossing. You've made it to New York and only lost one member of your traveling party. Pretty good. Sad for the dentist, obviously. But now you're in New York state.

Do you want to go south, west, east or north? I want to go west. And I would like to go west my friend. South of the Great Lakes. This first Great Lake, it's feeling pretty eerie. I feel like I'm being haunted by my dead dentist. Welcome to the great state of Pennsylvania. Correct, there is a sliver of Pennsylvania that borders New York in the West.

You've made it through yet another border crossing. Now the guard's kind of getting antsy. He's wishing that you did get one wrong because he sort of has a bloodlust from the dentist thing. Yes, I see him. But you made it to Pennsylvania. I say, we're going West, Ohio. Very good.

You made it into the Cleveland area from Pennsylvania, right into Ohio, and you are about a fourth of the way to California at this point. Would you like to go north, south, east, or west? I feel like, I feel like at this point, west is best because there, there it's fewer states, fewer crossings. I have a skeleton crew.

Partly because I have the dead body of my dentist that we're traveling with as we continue west. Oh, you didn't just bury him in New Hampshire. From Cleveland to Akron, Cincinnati, eventually crossing in to Indiana. Security guard at the border of Ohio and its state to the West says, welcome to you say Indiana, so he handles closer to your physical therapist and says, lucky guess. And lets you into Indiana is correct.

Yeah, now I know what's next. We have- Okay, you continue walking. You walk, walk, walk across Indiana, approach another state to your west. I still think you're going. Yes, I say, let's look west young men. As us three boys, Adam, Jeff and Jake,

really unlikely trio. You know, they all know me very intimately. One has, my dog has slept at his house. One has massaged my back. The other has had her hands in my mouth. Yeah, that one's dead though, right? Yeah, she's dead. But still, they have such close bonds with me

and none with each other, which is really interesting. And it's something that we'll talk about as we go through Illinois and on to... At this point, you have two options. You can go Northwest or Southwest or just straight up North, but the lines are a little blurry at this point. Yeah. So choose your direction wisely.

I think I will, I'll go, oh, I see. So North, I believe we're still going along these great lengths and great lakes, am I right? Security guard shoots your foot. You're not supposed to do that. Let's go North, we'll spend the night in Madison. We'll go to Wisconsin. You're going North from Illinois into another state border.

And the border crosser says, welcome to the great state of Wisconsin is correct. Let's see through. At this point, you can go north, you can go northwest or you can go southwest. And those are your three state options. Now, southwest I'm pretty sure is, wait, so I can go north. Yep. Okay. I think I get it.

I think I get it. North I believe is going to be Minnesota. Not 100% sure and I'm not guessing that yet. And I think west. This is you looking at a map. West would be South, West would be Nebraska. And then there's a direction. And then I'll get you to the security guard. But we really need a direction for your party to move. And don't look at your computer. Not looking at my you cannot. I thought cheating crossed my mind as soon as you said that it was New Hampshire and not Vermont. But now I need to, now I want to get it. So I guess I'll go north.

God damn it. Is north one of the Dakotas or is it Minnesota? I think north is Minnesota. I'm gonna go north to Min- or no wait, sorry, northwest to Minnesota. You travel northwest and a security guard stops you and says, indeed, welcome to Minnesota, nailed it. Wow. Phew, that was close. I look at my physical therapist and I kiss him on the cheek and I say, Jeff, you're gonna make it. That could have been the end for you.

Minnesota lets you go either South, Northwest, or Southwest. Those are three different options. Wait, so I'm in Minnesota? You're in Minnesota, yeah. And now you can go Northwest, Southwest, or South. Okay, so I'm going, I'm gonna go, I'm just gonna hug the border. I'm gonna hug that Canadian, so I'm going to go, I'm just going to hug the border.

I'm going to hug that Canadian border. I'm going Northwest. I'm going to go to North Dakota. North Dakota? Even though I really would like to show Adam the Mount Rushmore before they add Trump's head to it. North Dakota is your Northwest guess. And that is correct.

You have made it to North Dakota. It's freezing as shit, but your party is starting to rest a little easy. Now you can traverse some longer, bigger states with hopefully less trepidation as the first few. Mm-hmm. The only thing is I'm actually not a hundred, oh, actually, yeah, I'm pretty 100% sure

that we're gonna go from North Dakota to big sky country to Montana. Montana is correct. You're almost all the way to California at this point. Which direction do you wanna go, South or West? We're gonna go West. I wanna keep these guys alive. Tiny little sliver of Idaho

that touches the Canadian border. Yes, you are now in northern Idaho. The end is nigh. Only one death and it happened on day one, if you can believe it. Yeah. At this point, I think you can nail the last three, but let's hear them. Okay, so from Idaho, you're going to jog gonna jog over to Washington State. Correct, Northwest to Washington. And then we'll go South and I'll look to Adam and I'll say, I feel like you told me that we were in New Hampshire. What? Or you said, I was gonna guess New Hampshire

and you mouthed Vermont Wondering why you did that? No Actually think we're going south now to I look at the security guard, Nevada Is this Nevada and I push out forward At this point the security guard Just go forward. At this point, the security guard is fucking nervous, realizing he's dealing with an absolute psychopath as he chokes your friend in front of you. And you give him a completely blank stare.

Like you're scrolling through fucking Instagram. No emotion is felt. He knows you know, you meant one thing and said the other so that he could kill this man guilt free. This is unbelievable. I say thank you for your time. Come on, Jeff. As we walk into Oregon.

That's correct. And it's just you and Jeff and he can just massage your back all the way to one more state. Yeah I tell Jeff as we're at the border you know my hip my hip feels like it's a little it's just out of it's out of sorts can you knock that back can you massage that back into place I feel like my pelvis is tilted I feel like my pelvis is fucking nervous as hell because he doesn't want you to kill him. He knows how quickly and easily you killed the other two members of your party. I feel like coming in I'll be able to get rid of it. I'm not sure I'll be able to guess this next state if I,

if my hips are so tight. He's massaging them really really fervently, sweating, scared, trepidatious and wondering if you'll say the state that you know you need to say to keep him alive. Welcome to California, Jeff. I could really use a foot massage. One death on purpose, one by accident, and you and Jeff have made it across all the way to California. Wow. Wow. Now I have to look at a map.

That was pretty good. Did you think I was not going to be able to do it? Well, I thought you'd be able to do it. And then when you said Vermont instead of New Hampshire, I'm like, oh, maybe it is a little confusing in the Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa range. And at one point you almost said Nebraska, but you went North to Wisconsin instead.

It would have been Iowa in between Illinois and Nebraska. Oh, wow. Yeah, I totally forgot. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. I's pretty forgettable. And you definitely didn't consider Missouri as an option, which was a huge state bordering Illinois. Yeah, no, that wasn't really ever gonna happen.

I'm looking at these, I've driven across this country, I think six times now, maybe five. And I think, yeah, I don't know if I could have gotten any of my other roots, even though I did that Southern one a bunch, but it's kind of hard. Like Texas, I guess it's kind of interesting that it borders Louisiana, Arkansas, and Oklahoma. Yeah, you don't really consider it.

But once you're in Louisiana, you're kind of screwed because then you're like, is it Mississippi, Alabama? They're all, you know them, but you don't know exactly where they are. They're a little interchangeable on the map in my mind. Yeah. It is interesting that Maine is the only state that borders one state.

Theoretically, the easiest answer, and that was the one you got wrong. Everything else is kind of amorphous and blobby and could be a bunch of options. But no, I just I fully forgot about New Hampshire. Like I would have gotten that wrong no matter what because I was considering my options and thinking do I go south to Massachusetts or west to Vermont? Yeah. So it was just never ever going to be and it was a big part of me that was like, I wanna just get to Connecticut and then I can get there. Like I know that I can go from Connecticut to New York

to New Jersey to Pennsylvania, Ohio, et cetera, et cetera. I think I was always gonna get it. I think it was never gonna be an issue, but I was always gonna lose the dentist. We might be due for another road trip at this point. Like every time you do it or we do it, there's always fun stories that come out of it, just from nests, like just from forcing yourself

into a weird situation, meeting new people, staying in new places. Yeah, we should. But the problem is it takes what, a week, two weeks comfortably to get from one side of the country to the other? Yeah, I think I did it in as little as three days, but that's not really a good way to do it. Yeah.

That's like pissing on the side of the road, only stopping at rest stops, driving 14 hours a day. Cannonball runs, back hurts. Yeah. I think we did it in eight days, eight to 10 days feels like a nice amount of time. Yeah, I wonder if we can set up some live shows and or videos to make along the way

that make it worth our while. Right, yeah. We could play, we could do a live rancor tour. Yeah, come on down to a Parkersburg, West Virginia for a fucking live, never before seen rancor. Yeah, come on down to a Parkersburg, West Virginia for a fucking live, never before seen rancor. We'll be in Roanoke playing rancor. Six people show up. We'll be in Cincinnati tomorrow

if anyone's down to rank with us. All right, that was good, that was fun. I miss Oregon Trail. Yes, that was a solid game, solid game. Maybe it's repeatable, do you think you could play it? Well, now that I've looked at the map, I'd like to think maybe, but yeah, going from California across to the other side

might be the way to do it. Although now I'm studying, which is kind of cheating. Yeah, don't look at it again. Try to forget this happened. Give me a map of Europe instead. So I'm going from Belgium east west to Luxembourg and I want to say north towards Belgium again in some sort of weird way across. Am I in the black forest? Croatia through Serbia and Slovenia. Holy shit Djokovic is here. He's with Abitol. Who is he with?

Holy shit, Djokovic is here. He's with Abhita. Who is he with? How did this happen? I said no. Driving a Maserati with a fucking slur on it all the way into his house. No, Jokovic is safe today after an insane person with a really offensive license plate crashed into his living room. And did a poopy in his toilet.

Okay, that's it. Thanks for listening. We did a poopy in his toilet. Okay. That's it. Thanks for listening. We are still on our Patreon watching videos. You better believe it. Jake and Amir videos. You can check those out at patreon.com slash J A. Yes.

And we'll be back here next week. Damn right. On this here podcast feed. Exactly. Thank you to listening and your continued support. We'll be back soon enough. Ciao for now. Ciao.