If I Were You - 75: Harry Potter (with Dave Rosenberg)

Episode Date: May 5, 2014

Our boy Dave Rosenberg joins us to discuss breaking up, strip clubs, and tattoos.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com! Delicious, nutritious snacks delivered TO YOU. Use our coupon code for 50% off your first box: http://bit.ly/1idZxFpSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Start it from the bottom, now they're here Answering advice, it's Jake and Amir Start it from the bottom, now they're here Answering advice, it's Jake and Amir Hashtag, start it from the bottom, now they're here Answering advice, it's Jake and Amir Hashtag, start it from the bottom, now they're here Answering advice, it's Jake and Amir

I always swipe right from the jump Trying to leave my grandma's house to probably pass next month Hashtag, I was gonna do it on my own Girl from home on Sims with her ex about to bone And my girls want calling me like, what's that smell? Went to the guest room and noticed a stale trail Hashtag, I just think it's tiny how it goes Now they're about to blow, if I were you, show

And they started from the bottom, now they're here Answering advice, it's Jake and Amir Hashtag, start it from the bottom, now they're here Answering advice, it's Jake and Amir Ha! No new songs, it'll take that You're a real friend, we're a real friend that You don't wanna do too much explaining

Nice, he stumbled in the middle and then he sorta recovered That was actually part of the song Wow This is still part of the theme song Amazing Hey, we're over here Oh my god That was a weird, I didn't like the ending where I started

He had to do that I don't know He had me singing He sampled your voice Yeah, in a weird different way Oh, hey, how's it going? There's a fire review of the Illuminati's podcast On the internet hosted by us, I'm Amir

I'm Jake And we're here with Howdy He's back How goes it? What? How goes it? It goes well, how goes it with you?

Never better Nice We are In a hotel room in Portland, Oregon And Dave Rosenberg is with us And we had our equipment and we figured We should have you back on the show Since you were such a hit the first time

Yep, the price is right Which was what? 40 bucks for this, right? 40? 30? Sure Yeah, 30 Deal

You're negotiating backwards It's Portland Yeah, you're right Before I forget, that theme song was Composed by Chris Estrada So, there it is Alright Dave, how are you feeling?

I'm excited for dinner So you're feeling excited? All you can eat sushi? Is it all you can eat sushi that we're going to? We're not going all you can eat sushi I mean, in theory, every restaurant is all you can eat sushi You'll just keep ordering it until you're full You have to pay for it

Yeah How much can you eat? We have an all-you-can-eat sushi place in Hamden, Connecticut Yeah Home of the Rosenbergs Sure That's what it says on the sign when you enter the town I've gotten 45

45 what? Pieces It's a shimmy though No rice No rice, I fillet you up too fast 45 pieces of raw fish That's how they get you On the rice

So what do you get? You got just the little slivers of salmon Slivers of eel Yeah You ate 45 eels one night Yes So in one city you had 45 eels Well, each piece isn't an eel onto itself

Yeah It was probably like six or seven eels Hamden's got the best eels on the east coast I've read that, yeah, it says that on like Hamden's Wikipedia Yep Which is edited by you for sure So, how does it work? We get e-mails from people who are in difficult places

and we do our best to advise them out of it Sometimes it's just me and Jake and sometimes we have a special guest Howdy And then we are introduced to you Don't need to do that again Fair enough You make the rules

I just break them That's right You're correct Did you want to talk about anything before we got started? Not just that Dave's excited for dinner I'm excited that Dave's here That's all I said

I'm also excited for both of those things Usually the podcast that we do right before dinner is like have a good palpable excited energy Yeah, but we're also usually drinking during those ones Oh, that's true We have to act so loose right now that it seems like we're getting drunk I'm pretty trashed already actually

Really? Marty and I have been going at it pretty hard You going beer to beer? Yes I saw I'm in bar Dave came in here with a can of eel sauce Have finished

Get you twisted All right All right, first question These are real emails from real people We need fake names to preserve their anonymity Dave, can you just come up with fake names on the spot For these people, this is a female Fake names on the spot

Yes Of course on the spot I'm great at doing everything on the spot Just tell me when to do it And I'm ready to throw you a name George, right now is good Right about now It doesn't even have to be a fake name

It could just be any name I know, I'm aware how the name game works Lamarcus Aldridge Okay, well, it's a female We need a girl's name Lamarcus You haven't blinked since we started recording, dude That's that eel sauce

That eel sauce will keep you awake for days at a time Lamarcus can be a girl's name as well It cannot be It can be All right, fine A girl named Lamarcus Aldridge writes I need some advice fast My semester ends in three weeks

And I planned a trip to Disney World with my boyfriend His best friend and my roommate three months ago Him and his best friend are paying for everything And booked the hotel, bought the tickets weeks ago I really dislike my boyfriend I have for a while now We've been dating long distance since we started college this year And it's been horrible

But I've been holding off ending things Because of this fucking Disney World trip What am I supposed to do? Wait another month and go on this long vacation together? I feel horrible because my roommate and his friend are so excited And they already paid for everything Is there any way out of this? Love

Lamarcus Aldridge Pretty name I like her name the most Does this resonate with you at all? Have you ever been in a situation where you're like I want to break up with this girl but I'm waiting? It resonates with me because I went to Disney World nine times growing up Is that true?

Yeah, we used to go every year I don't know why I don't have a single memory but I know I've been there Nine times? Nine years in a row You don't remember anything from all nine times? Not a single memory I can't remember who is a Disney World thing

But your dad told a really funny story About you and Jeff going to Florida When they were in high school He let them pack their own bags from Florida And they were like super heavy And when they finally got down We were super young I think Your dad said you were like 14

Old enough to pack your own bag Old enough that he trusted you to pack So he opened up the bags and they didn't pack any underwear or socks They only brought the Harry Potter books Old enough for Harry Potter to be a good thing All of the Harry Potter books And also They had already read them

So to teach them a lesson They had them fashion the underwear and socks Out of pages of Goblet of Fire Did you read the last Harry Potter book in one sitting? No, it was two sittings I fell asleep in the middle So you read it down You read that like 900 page Harry Potter book in like two days?

I know, I don't think so I actually purposely would read like a chapter a day Because I knew once it's over it's over But my first internship in Brooklyn I didn't have enough work to do So I ended up like finding a e-book of it online And reading it like over three days at work Even though you had already read it

Yeah, which I think is more impressive Because I was supposed to be doing work And instead I was reading the book for like the fourth time I actually brought all the books on this trip too I noticed that, yeah Your bags are very heavy And you're still wearing the same underwear that you did when we left You'd be surprised

So have you ever wanted to break up with someone but delayed it Because of a thing? Because it quote unquote wasn't a good time It's never a good time That's right That is true That's what I was gonna say Breaking up is never

There's never a good time to ruin someone's life You can always justify like Oh I don't wanna do it now There's finals Or I don't wanna do it now Her birthday's coming up I don't wanna do it now I have this trip coming up

Right But if you just keep delaying it It's just gonna make it worse and worse and worse Yeah, and you're also not actually being sensitive You think you're being sensitive But like it's mean to just string someone along while you hate them Right So like the nicest thing to do is

End it, get at like None of it's nice But the nicest thing you can do is just Cut it off The end What was that noise? Your knife? Ssshh

Ssshh Ssshh Cut it off Ssshh Like that Ssshh With a blade Ssshh

I was kinda imagining a paper cutter Which is why that noise Oh yeah yeah That's good Okay Yeah Cut it What was I saying?

Ssshh You're saying the polite thing to do is to End it Once you make your decision Because it seems like Maybe you're justifying it to yourself Like oh I'm gonna delay this And after the vacation

Because I don't want to be a dick And ruin this vacation When in actuality You just don't want to go And ruin the vacation though too Right The vacation's gonna be ruined Yeah whether you're there

And you don't like him at all Or you're not there at all If anything it's better for him That he's going to Disney World Once he's a bachelor again Yeah you know Why don't you just say like I'll pay you guys back

For my portion of the ticket You guys could still go Do whatever you want I'm not gonna make you pay And like cancel totally Right Once you mentally decide To break up with someone

I feel like you just gotta do it Cause then it just starts Eating away at everything else Or You can see if you can Change it up and Go to Harry Potter World instead What's that?

The Harry Potter amusement park What is that? Florida There's a Harry Potter amusement park? Yeah There's an entire amusement park Built around Harry Potter Is that true?

How do you not know this? I don't know cause I'm 30 Alright 31 Chill dude You're 31 I'm gonna maintain this reputation Being a year younger

Than everyone thinks I am Yeah cool 30 year old Yeah so I think I think we're all in agreement there End it as soon as possible Dave Yay or nay Yeah

Do that End it End it Or see if you can go to Harry Potter World Or go to Harry Potter Change the entire trip Right You'll fall in love with your boyfriend again

You'll fall in love with yourself again It's that magical Alright Next We're fucking dominating Alright Oh we need another female name Another female name

That's right Minnie Mouse You can see where you're How it works Very singular Minnie Mouse Minnie Mouse writes Hello long time listener

First time questioner I'm an American That's been studying in London For the past three years For my undergraduate degree I'm graduating this July And heading back home to the US for good I want to remember these past three years

All the experiences And all the people With a small tattoo Of the London coordinates Here's the problem I told this idea to my friend And she loved it She loved it so much

That she decided she would get one too I don't really want this To be like a tattoo buddy situation It's a personal thing That I want to get for my own reasons But I drunkenly approved That she could get it too Now I'm not sure what to do

Because I really don't want To get the exact same tattoo as her I just want this to be a unique thing But I can't just tell her Not to get the tattoo anymore Because she's very excited And keeps asking me about it What should I do?

Help I think this is the funniest thing In the world I love the idea of Someone getting an original tattoo And then just one person going around And getting the same thing As everyone else

Yeah And just sort of taking that away From someone Stealing it You're imagining one guy meeting everybody With an original tattoo And getting it All of his friends

One evil He just gets it An anti-superhero It's all usually when I was thinking About getting some tattoos And I may still do it I would Google search them To see if they even existed

What kind of tattoos would you get? Of course the dark mark Already existed A lot of people have that What's that? Voldemort sign When he summons the death theaters He'll touch his tattoo

What is that? Where's that tattoo? That's on your forearm And it's like a snake Crawling through his skull Right, so that exists Any other tattoo ideas? Yeah, I wanted to get

The chicken wings on my back What chicken wings? Some girls And I guess maybe some guys Have angel wings on their back I was thinking I like chicken wings And, you know

Why not get that on my back? Like the food? Yeah, the food That's pretty funny Like where your back muscles are Yeah Like two chicken wings Two chicken wings

That's pretty funny I don't know if I said this on the last episode But then there'd be like a little Cup of ranch dressing As like a tramp stamp Like the sauce would be dripping down my back So, okay So, two chicken wings on your back

What are those called? Your scapula Yeah, sounds right And then a ranch dressing thing Where your tailbone is Your coccyx bone And then actual ranch Or actual buffalo sauce

Or the tattoo of buffalo sauce Drizzling down your spine There'd be like One of the ones would be buffalo One of them would be barbecue They'd be dripping And then there'd be like A combination of blue cheese and ranch dressing

In like a little cup Yeah, that sounds like one somebody Else would get No, there actually were a couple Without the ranch dressing Of course Yeah I added that

To make it original It's sort of a one of a kind thing It is funny to try to take someone's tattoo Away from them But this girl already approved it But this tattoo, the London coordinates Probably The London coordinates

Is that a famous thing? Or is it just like the Longitude and latitude of London? It might be I just feel like any tattoo Isn't going to be 100% original I think at the very least you could say I don't want to get it at the same place

In the same spot as you to your friend Oh, that's cool Or you could just say like Hey, if it's a friend that she met abroad Just be like, you know what? I kind of bailed on the idea I'm sorry, I don't really want to get a tattoo Then you come home, get the tattoo

She'll never know Right, or you can get the same one as her And then never see her again It won't matter Yeah, I think there's enough people in the world That it's not going to like It won't be a big deal if it's not Like a totally unique tattoo

Maybe you just sort of have to like Take it out of context Be like, this is what it means to me I don't care that she has it And then your friend is like It means a lot to her That you guys have the same tattoo, maybe Yeah, but it's a win-win

She gets to have the same tattoo as you And you get to get the tattoo It doesn't matter Or you can give her a slightly different coordinate Just to fuck with her Like you tell her that it's like Okay, 108 degrees by 112 degrees And that's not actually London

Or just tell her the truth And be like, I want it to be I want to get my own original tattoo If you really love this, go ahead I'm going to keep on thinking And then like, your second idea might be even better I feel like this is an episode We would write for our web series

Is you wanted to get a tattoo And then we wanted to get one too Well, if it was our web series It would be like, I came in with a tattoo And then you start giving yourself the tattoo Oh, that's great Okay, then what happens? Let's write it down

Let's brainstorm this Into your office day I'm opening up Final Draft right now We don't write them in Final Draft They don't have to know that Celtics, baby I don't have to know We write it in TextEdit

We did for a long time We write it in Gmail So what would you tell this girl to do? I think just stopping friends with her And get the tattoo And live the rest of your life in ignorance Not knowing whether she got it or not Oh, that's cool

Yeah So the only thing you should make permanent Is the fact that she's no longer friends with you Yes Loser, ditcher All new friends That's my motto I'm the opposite of Drake

All new friends Every year, just a rollover Here's a novel idea Honestly telling her not to get the tattoo That's what I just said No, you didn't really Yeah, you were a bit wordy with it Yeah, you were just like

Maybe let her get the tattoo Then she'd be happy I say tell it Fine It's convoluted Who would you say won that round? Jake What?

Yes, convoluted wins I went flip mode You're a flip flopper Flip mode squad Yeah, regular John Kerry I swear, dude Not my president Not anyone's president, actually

He lost the election Oh, yeah Let's not get into that It's gonna get a bit heated Why? You know why No, I don't know What, you think John Kerry won?

Did he win? I don't know You don't know You be the judge I am the judge I'm saying he did not Fair enough Good then

Grand Fettled Anything left of this guy Or this girl We gave her a lot of options I don't feel that we gave her A definitive favorite I say tell the friend

Not to get the tattoo Or give her the fake coordinates To a shitty city What's the shittiest city You can get coordinates of Maybe somewhere in the Indian Ocean Baghdad Excuse you

It's probably a shitty city We ruined it, didn't we? The next consumer tour is booked for Baghdad And you just blew it, dude We're doing a Baghdad Beirut To get sales for through the roof Damascus Do you think if we did a show in Baghdad

One person would buy a ticket That's a good question Hey, is anybody out there listening in Baghdad? 30% of our consumer Facebook fans Are actually located in Baghdad We paid good money for those All right This show is sponsored by BetterHelp

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If I were you To save 10% Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Next question Boom We need a guy's name A guy's name

Like a man Yeah Oh jeez Lamarcus is already taking Yeah, by you Yeah, this is tough I guess that's a woman's name anyway Let's go with Steve

Okay, that's it You don't have to say anything Your wheels are still spinning But I urge you to stop Steve Steve is fine Junior Okay Steve

Steve Junior writes Hey guys I need a little advice here I'm getting married soon And my brother is my best man I'm not much of a partier

And I told him I just wanted to get a chill Get-together type party So we planned a weekend fishing trip With some guys Which is perfect But He has recently mentioned

To some of my friends That he plans on moving the party To a strip club Near the place we're staying But I really have no desire To go to one And to make matters worse This is a rural backwoods type of strip club

In the middle of nowhere, Louisiana I don't want to hurt his feelings By objecting Or sound like a wimp For not wanting to go to a strip club What should I do? Love Steve Junior Sounds like you shouldn't be a wimp

Oh Thank you The first Rosenberg blast Of episode 70 Sorry, Mr. Limp-Dick-Nerd You're a coy loser You're a loser for that I don't want to see hot

Pussies in the woods It's fucking best Just seeing that fucking trim Yeah, dude, that backwoods pussy Are you kidding me? Looks like in saggy titties Oh Little brown ass

Any stripper that you see That counts as getting with a girl What? Yeah, and if you see a three-chick snaked That means you got with three chicks that night So when you watch porn, you'll say I hooked up with someone You're the kind of guy that watches porn

And says I got laid You masturbate If it's a cam and she's talking to me And I'm nutting And she says, Amir, you owe me $48 That's me, I owe her $48 That's her saying your name Dave, have you ever been on a cam?

I don't know what that is Like you sign up and you pay like You know, three, four, five dollars a minute To have a girl live watch you masturbate That's how cheap it is Dave just sprints out of the room Wow Five dollars a minute, that's not cheap

It's like for half an hour you're paying $150 Yeah, I only need a minute I need a campsite with no minimum time And if I do 30 seconds Can I just Venmo you $250? Have you ever done that? I haven't But it sounds intriguing

Do you like Strip Clubs? Yeah, I love them You love them? Yeah Why? Absolutely adore them Why? Why not?

Because American dream I feel like, kind of like this guy Like a Strip Club is like going to a restaurant But you're not allowed to eat any of the food There you are Whoa You know the food, it's a buffet

It's all you can eat, they're covered in eel 45 pieces of that Slim Trim Eel shit I think I don't like it because there's You go to a club or a bar And like We have, it's a competition There's a certain amount of girls in here That you're attracted to

I want to make them like me I want to be the one that goes home with them And fucks them And if you go to a Strip Club It's all equal All of the girls, like all of the guys It doesn't matter, they're paid So there's no competition

It's like for you, it's like playing basketball But not keeping score What's the point? Everyone has to have two baskets Basketball, that'd be like exercise I guess, there's no equivalent to me It's like playing Monopoly without money Yeah, maybe so

It's sure So it takes away your element of quote-unquote winning Right, there's no competitive edge That's not true The person with the most money wins Oh, so it's sort of like a big life competitive edge So the game you play outside the Strip Club Exists inside the Strip Club

Because you're like, I'm the richest guy here So the girls will like me Or on the flip side, if you're really good looking Maybe they'll charge you less Has that ever happened to you though? Yeah What, they charge you less for a lap dance? Yeah, Jeff and I will be there together

My identical twin brother If I can get a lap dance for $10 cheaper than him I'm better looking Follow-up question, why is a lap dance good? Isn't it just teasing you to the point Where you're just annoyed at the end of it? No, because I'll wear a pair of sweatpants Without underwear

And I'm coming They're just subtly mentioning it I'm wearing sweatpants I'm coming When I found a way to game the system Where if he just wears mesh shorts With silk boxers to the Strip Club He can come from a lap dance

And he was telling me recently In a Strip Club that they make Strip Club Specific pants With like a cum receptacle That's like ribbed Almost like an IV bag And when you're grinding you're coming And it's like clean because it's like

It's like a plastic ziplock baggy for your jizz That's insane It's about time Innovation That seems crazy but at the same time They're actually the sponsor of this episode Come pants For your goodness

What a name That's the name of the pants So the website is cumpants.org.com You just got your first lap dance Yeah, well I don't know Would you guys justify this as a lap dance I was in a Strip Club And a girl started dancing on me

And it seemed like she was giving me a lap dance And then she asked me if I wanted to go get a lap dance For $20 in the back area And then I was like I'm okay I'm good But what you just did was like Rubbing your boobs on my face I assumed that's gonna happen there

And I will have to pay you so I'm okay Not doing that Did you say all that to her No because this was in Mexico So I was just like ah no No What would you say I got a lap dance based on that Yeah I would say she danced in your lap

So that's a lap dance Okay great that's off my bucket list I don't have to do that again I don't think you did get one though But why is that good Why is that fun It's not It's just better than nothing

A lap dance It's sort of a fun experience I think it's just like But is it better than nothing Why is it better than nothing Everything is better than nothing Okay let me sit with that Avoid of no time, space

No sense of self Adject blackness That's nothing So a lap dance of course yeah But doesn't it I would say a lap dance is negative And nothing is neutral I wouldn't say a lap dance is negative

Do you actually get off to these things Yeah Like actually Did you come You bet Didn't you tell me one time That you came from working out really hard Yeah I always come from working out

Me and Arnold You came from working out I always come from working out It sounds like a very innocuous said Like oh I just came from working out Oh like you're here right now And you just worked out I don't know I just

I came I finished While I was working out You know I'm jerking off as I'm doing No you really did tell me That you like lifted weight so heavy That you came Hell yeah dude I didn't even work out

You're not squatting enough You're not getting yourself off It sounds like you don't know what coming is It was me on the treadmill That's when it happened You were wearing those cumber baby boner pants The friction was way too much Watching an episode of The View

In the middle of the day On closed caption because you forgot your headphones Back when Barbara Wolters was young and beautiful You mean six years ago Yeah gorgeous absolutely gorgeous Those Apple titties Teardrop titties So have you actually finished

In a stir club No that's disgusting But you have finished in a weight room Hell yeah I paid good money to join that Jim That's an equinox baby there's heels In the fucking locker room What am I supposed to do

Alright so what's this guy supposed to do Well he has two options One he could just be like No I don't want to go to the strip club Because after all it's a bachelor party in his honor So he gets to make the rules Or he can like feel bad for his brother And be like I don't want to

I'll at least give him this I'll go to the strip club I won't enjoy it You can at least enjoy it like on a novel Like I've been to strip clubs before Not like a bad time if you're with your friends Yeah There's lots of fun life experience

Things to be had I agree I would say embrace the stupidness of it That it's like some back woods strip club You're there with your buddies And it'll be And just try to see it as funny rather than Right

But those small strip clubs are even sadder than Yeah they're so sad We came to this one in Portland last time We were here Oh yeah and you got a four dollar steak Yeah There's like a rule in Portland Where every bar has to have food

So strip clubs have food So like this like strip club is really small Kind of sad strip club had like a steak buffet For four dollars and I got And I got steak and it was delicious And I got a lap dance while Or I got I think I put money down while I was eating the steak

So like the girl is just I ate steak with an asshole in my face That's what I'm trying to say Price is right What's the name of that? Just digging through his pocket for loose change He has two forty But he's gonna try to hackle him down

Do a chicken dinner and a fully clothed lap dance Yeah and I was thinking If you're like legitimately uncomfortable at the strip club And you'll have a really negative time You should just tell your brother or brother-in-law What was I can't remember which one it was Yeah

Just be like Yo this is my party And I'll cry if I want to Do something different Yeah what's your advice Dave? Just say just go Suck it up Suck it up, suck it in

Yep Alright You heard the man Steve Junior Junior Did you want to talk about anything during the breakie time? Um I don't know Any funny stories from the road? The tour?

CH on tour, hashtag Oh This episode is gonna come out after the tour That's fine Any social media I will make sure to add it to the deck Oh there you go The advice that I got for upgrading a hotel room that didn't work

Oh yeah that was really funny Oh really? One of my family friends works in the hotel business And he's like And I asked him about tips about You know What do the insider people know about hotels that I wouldn't know And one of the things he told me is that

Front desk people have carte blanche access to do whatever they want Including upgrades So if you're very nice and friendly and you tip them Odds are they can just upgrade you to a nice suite So I'm like So what you just As I'm checking in Give the person like $20 or $40

He's like Yeah if you give him like $20 or $50 You'll either You'll usually be upgraded to a room that's like A higher value than that So in Seattle I went to the front desk And I was too scared to just like show up and say Hi my name's Amir

Give him a $20 bill So I didn't do it there And then in Portland I psyched myself up I was like alright I'm gonna do it So I walked to the front desk And I'm like Hello

And I gave her a $20 bill And she's like Uh what's this I was like It's for you And then she's like Okay And then I'm like

She didn't know what to do She didn't even put it in her pocket She just held it awkwardly in her hand For like 30 seconds As if I was pranking her Or she had never She never She didn't understand what a tip was

Like she was And I was checking just at the same time Just like cracking up Yeah yeah She was just holding this money Like as if I asked her to hold this $20 for me Like while I tied my shoes

And then she's like Anyway you're in this room In this room Like yeah Are there any like Complimentary upgrades available And she's like No we're sold out

I was like Oh very good Very well I do Jessica You grabbed the $20 back Out of her I want my money back at this point I went for the risk

And it didn't fan out Maybe it's like an L.A. thing Versus a Portland thing Yeah Maybe we're also I was saying I think that like A swanky ass hotel

Where like everybody's all like Greasy They're playing that Like loud music in the lobby There's a bar Like a W Or a hotel in Vegas But this was like

It's such a It's pretty quaint It's like an old Portland hotel I don't even I'm not even sure There are sweets in this thing I am on the 11th floor

Versus you guys On the 3rd and 4th Do you think that was a coincidence Or she upgraded me My room looks exactly like this But it's on a lower floor Um So thus it's worse

You do have a better view But your elevator rides are longer That's true My room is bigger than this though I'm going to ask for my $20 back Your room is pretty nice But he said that's the risk you take Sometimes you tip and

They just don't have the Available sweets for you Maybe it's also because there is Someone else checking next to you And it's You know Doesn't look good to take money From someone

Maybe it's like no one's seeing it It's not a bribe It's just a tip No, it's kind of a bribe Ah, just greasing the wheels A little bit, baby Yeah Maybe they don't want other people

To see that They're like other guests Oh, yeah What the tipping works I think they want everyone to see that Yeah That's where we differ as people That's not the only place

I've also never come from curling And you're not pushing it hard enough, my friend That's right And I don't think I ever want to push it that hard You do You do There's no greater joy Than coming in public

One rep max till you come Keep pushing that wait until you ejaculate Your bad trainer told you one day What else? Oh, we have that live podcast on May 31 At the Hollywood Improv That's right Dave, will you come for that?

No, I won't Okay, that's Checking out If we started a Kickstarter To get you to buy your ticket to LA Would you come to that show? Yeah, I will Well, I think I'm going to come for the All Nighter

So maybe that will overlap Oh, okay Oh, no, I think that's the 21st All right, well, whatever All right Kickstarter for Dave Yeah, don't donate to any other charity But ours in order to get Dave Rosenberg out to LA

For live podcasting One time Big Dave Hey Are you ready to get to the last, last, last, last question? Let's do it Last question of the night Comes from

Oh, we need another dude's name A dude's name Easy Easy Yup, I agree These are super simple, I think This is almost the easiest part of the show It's coming up with some dope, original name

Mini-Miles Like Steve Jr Yes And this last person Will be named David Rosenberg Sr My father David Rosenberg Sr

That's not your dad's name, is it? I can't utter his name Is that another thing from Harry Potter? Yes You shall not be named All right Hey guys So my lit teacher Carl

I don't care, you can say his name You should, because fuck him Really doesn't like me And I'm not saying that in a way most teenagers do About teachers who give him bad grades He really hates me And he's not scared to pretty much let the whole class know He does this by responding to all my questions

With what he thinks are witty retorts That are just kind of Leave me stumped For example Every time I ask Can I go to the bathroom, he says I don't know Can you?

It's not even original, it's just bad Can you think of anything I can say back That would make him feel like a complete doofus Without putting him on a complete classroom blast And getting myself into trouble yet again Thanks guys So How do I make my teacher feel like a doofus

Yeah Because he really He really skates me with shit like I don't know Can you Carl Curse you I have a cool retort to that though

To that specific one Like hey can I go Hey can I go to the bathroom I don't know Can you Yeah I can go right here If you don't let me go to the bathroom And then you start pissing on the floor

You start curling weights until you start ejaculating I what Any ideas Dave? This is a tough one Ever had a teacher nemesis? I loved all my teachers Did they love you? Yeah

I would never show for their tests though Because I had IBS So when diarrhea hits You just can't show up Okay So I'm saying maybe this kid Can sort of do the same thing And act like he accidentally shits himself in class

And he acts super embarrassed And the teacher doesn't know what to do Oh And then So his problem is that he doesn't like being embarrassed in class Yeah And your advice is to Diarrhea himself

Pretend to diarrhea himself At least embarrassed in class You get one of those stink bombs And then you throw it at the teacher's Why on earth would anybody Just want to have everyone in the classroom believe that they shit their pants What you do is you put a little stink bomb Into a water balloon

Fill it with chili And then you just sort of have that at your disposal Then at the least opportune time Say the beginning of a test of the middle You sit on the water balloon You'll hear a distinct warm thud As the chili water trickles down your thighs And the stink bomb

The smell permeates the room And the teacher will be so mortified That you just diarrhea in yourself in front of everyone He'll be absolutely astounded And not know what to do That's your revenge That's what I meant to say Yeah, it sounds

You're tight Unlike your asshole Which is dripping with that chili sauce Here's my Here's my suggestion You get everyone else in the class In on some sort of weird joke So you say something to him

But you get everyone in the class to Just agree to Stifle after Or conceal their emotion So let's say you say like Hey, Carl, do you like green apples or red? And he'll be like What are you talking about?

But everyone will be snickering and laughing Like trying to hold it in And the fear of 30 teenagers Secretly making fun of you And you not knowing why Should be enough to mortify him That's really evil I would say my advice is that this guy does

He just sounds like he's sort of a He sounds like he's sort of a doofus already And you're a bigger doofus You should leave each other alone Just go to the bathroom before his class And be quiet That's not just about the bathroom It's about being put on a class blast

In front of all your peers You have to get revenge on this teacher He doesn't have to get revenge on the teacher It sounds like this is really It's like two losers fighting Nobody else cares, you know I'm kind of into it I'd like to be there

What school is this? There's nothing like a good teacher versus Student rivalry I agree Yeah And the only way to win is by You're ganging up Because he has all the authority

So the only thing you could do is embarrass him By making him feel old That makes me so sad Don't be mean to your teachers You're a teacher Usually teachers are great But this guy is a fucking doofus He's a coral for crying out loud

You never take into account that the person Who wrote the email might suck Oh yeah This kid This teacher might be like a fun loving Yeah Like I don't know, can you? And all the kids love him

And this guy is like Jesus He's just trying to get you to say may I That's it Because he's a lit teacher He's into language That's it But it would be fun to secretly embarrass him

In a weird cryptic way That'll keep him up at night Wondering why I see what you're saying Your wheels are turning towards Like you just want You want to play a prank Yeah

I get that But an anti-prank Where it's not really a prank But he doesn't know that Right It's still evil Because it's still making him insecure And sad

He's a teacher That's what I want him to make I don't want him to feel old and secure Sad and out of touch Yeah And then maybe he won't want to be a teacher anymore Oh yeah Yeah

And then he can like do something more I don't know Yeah maybe he'll tell some of his friends About what happened in his classroom And they'll say oh man I don't want to be a teacher anymore either And then there won't be any teachers There won't be any school

And all of a sudden We're sinking into To Baghdad territory A fate worse than death Alright Is that it? That's it That's our time

Thank you Thank you Thanks Dave for coming back Thank you David It's always a pleasure That email address If you want to submit your own questions It is IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com

If you have your own theme songs Like the guy at the beginning Whose name is Chris Or the guy who wrote the theme song At the end of this episode Whose name is George Gavin George Gavin You can send those over to

IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com as well Thanks guys And yeah I don't know what to say I guess I guess I don't know We both left the room

It's just you here Oh shit I have to go guys Bye Jake in a mirror Please help me seize the cheese Give me a little bit of hope I've got bad STDs

Help me seize the cheese These STDs ain't hashtagged Oh help me please Keep my anonymity You don't want my friends to know Taken too far And to that I stay told I've caught it all

I fix my show And so I emailed IfIWereYouShow So I emailed IfIWereYouShow