If I Were You - 75: Passover and Easter

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

In this episode we discuss old traditions, old emails, and playing matchmaker.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Hedgum Original. some markets for a limited time only. ["Segment"] I'd stop their career from going to shit. Seconds. Another podcast. Seconds. Each app different from the last. Seconds. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook shows. Now let's meet you two pathetic hoes. Seconds.

How are your knees? You were moving really fast during that. I saw you kind of like stumble. I sprained an MCL and I tore an ACL. It looked like that. I ripped my meniscus, a new asshole, and my asshole got a patella tendonitis. That's right. I have anal rosacea. I have oral teeth. I have posture syndrome, not imposter syndrome. I think I have good posture and I don't. Right. Right.

So you're not trying to change it and you're kind of, you're baking in these bad habits. My teeth are soft. And your lips are soft. And your lips are not. My lips are dry. My teeth are soft. My eyes are gone.

My nose is fine. My forehead is greasy and the tip of my nose is dry. You said your nose was fine. It was. And then I started talking about it and I lost all fucking perspective on everything. That's right. But still we persist.

This is segments, a segmented podcast. Chag Sameah. Oh, thank you. Yes, it is at the time of recording Passover, though Passover will be over by next week. But yeah, we had our satyrs this weekend and we are full on in the non-leavened bread week of our lives.

How much matzah did you eat this weekend? And you're keeping up kosher for Passover? Do you keep kosher for Passover? Not personally, not like for the... You eat matzah in addition to a croissant. You'll have a sandwich and also a matzah chocolate dessert. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I like to taste the matzah,

sort of keep me one toe into the Jewish thing enough to call myself a Jew. Because if I just don't have matzah at all, then I start to lose everything. And we don't want that either. How many... So I wanted to talk to you about satyrs because I did two satyrs this weekend. I grew up kind of doing a half satyr. Like a satyr, if it worked out or basically the closest

Saturday to Passover, we'd have a very casual family gathering and a Seder style thing. Yeah, very casual, because you are a casual. You are a Haftzhu, AKA you are not a Jew. Okay, so. That's actually, so I had a mikvah and it is, Oh, sorry. And it is not a mitzvah for you to call me a Haftzhu.

Did you know that? I didn't know that. It's actually. I really didn't. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah, well it's- I accused you of something and I spoke out of a place of ignorance. And I judged you. And actually that's not really- Do you have any idea what a mikvah is?

Yes, it's a ritualistic bath that you take when you finish your conversion process to Judaism. Honestly, I had no idea. So I get into- I really do apologize. I got in a pool with my rabbi, which is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, that you take when you finish your conversion process to Judaism. Honestly, I had no idea. That's right. So I get into, I got in a pool with my rabbi, which was representative of my mother's uterus. Yeah, sort of a baptism style. And I was born into the Jewish faith. And they told me then that if anyone ever said that I wasn't a Jew, then that person

was guilty of not committing a mitzvah. So it is pretty anti-Semitic, pretty fucked up, and I think illegal to say what you said to me. So I can eat bread this week? My Rabbi's at your door. You can ask him yourself. Sir, you are so learned. Oh my God. I can eat bread this week. My rabbi's at your door. You can ask him yourself. Sir, you are so learned.

Oh my God. You took a bath with Hurwitz? No way. Good man. Wait, when did you do a mikvah before your bar mikvah? Uh, yeah, I think I was, I'm not sure. I, I mean, I think I was between, I guess I was between six and 10. Hmm, okay. I feel like, I'm gonna guess,

I have a vivid memory of it because I remember my grandmother on my dad's side got in the pool with us. And it was the most bizarre. She had to approve. Yeah, but I had never seen her in a bathing suit before. So it was kind of like. Wait, why is grandma wearing a tankini in this fucking bath?

Yeah, grandma was in a Speedo and that was kind of, that was just crazy to see. So it's like. She did a fucking high dive off a five meter board. Yeah. And did minimal splashing. She did a misty flip. And then she did a belly flop.

And jackknifed into the rabbi's sternum. It was awesome. I never felt more Jewish in my life. I was like, yeah, damn, I need to be Jewish. So that's why it's kind of like imprinted in my memory. And I remember my sisters were there. So if that was happening, I had to at least, I feel like I was at least six.

I'll go ahead and guess six. And I can ask my mom to be sure. Verify. Was your mom in it? I think she was. Like she had to give me to, I don't know. Is it, are they all the same? Like, did she have to give me to the rabbi

or did she just kind of go in the pool with me? Cause I was afraid. I thought she went in the pool too because she also had to convert. She might've converted, but I'm not sure. Or if they like don't really accept her and they just kind of did it to take the the kids from her or something. Interesting. All right, we'll interview her next week about that. So, but anyway, that's that was my religious upbringing.

I guess that that ceremony was in and of itself kind of religious, but other than that we didn't really practice religion very much. I didn't even know there were supposed to be two satyrs. Are there always two satyrs? Actually, Israelis only do one. It's an American thing to have two. Interesting. Why is that? So I also grew up only doing one satyr. I don't know, some sort of American custom to do two nights of satyering. But I think the first night is the big night anyway.

Yeah, it's rough. I think Passover is one of the more boring ones. Do you know what I mean? Really? I think it's kind of exciting. I think it's rough. I think Passover is one of the more boring ones. Do you know what I mean? Really? I think it's kind of exciting to talk about the story of the Exodus from Egypt.

Moses and the pharaohs, the plagues, the singing, the eggs, the parsley, the chorosis, the bitter hurt. The horosus, the bitter the horoset I think my issue is the amount of times you have to stand up and leave the table and wash your hands, right and then like the

dipping of the herbs and then like I don't know I feel like it could be streamlined you have to, yeah, well some people are pretty casual about it and they like fast forward through streamlined. You have to take the herbs, you have to eat the months. Some people are pretty casual about it and they like fast forward through that part to get to the dinner. Some people are very serious about it,

like you gotta read every page in full, recreate the story of the exodus from Egypt leaving Pharaoh. So like some families take it very seriously in the last hours and some are just like, yeah, whatever, let's just sing some songs. Get the kids singing ma nish-ta-na-ha-la-la-za. What does the Blumenfeld family do? What do you guys do?

We usually do like an hour long get together as dinner-sator situation before even getting to the meal. But this year we were spread out all over California. So we were separated and I went to a friend's style Passover Seder with a hundred people at a Jewish summer camp. A hundred people? Yes. It was my friend's daughters bought mitzvah in the morning

at this camp. And then at night they said, everyone stick around for a really large seder where they catered it. They catered a seder. A seder cater. Whoa. And then we stuck around but since there were so many people it went really fast and we went sort of straight to the food. Oh well that's great. But there was still a seder plate, there was still a matzah, there was still matzah ball soup so it was still passable. And did you eat eat the bitter herbs and did you do the blood, the dipping of the wine during the plagues?

Yes, of course. I dipped my pinky into the wine and did one for every plague blood, frogs, pestilence, mortar, hate, jealousy, your lead, death of the first bore. There weren't their pests and locusts. They got a little redundant on these. Yeah, so what, you have notes or something for me on the Haggadah? This is sort of a pretty tried and true story

that's been passed down for thousands of years. What do you recommend cutting? Dayenu, it is enough? Well, yes, because actually the translation of Dianu, it's if God had done this, but not this, it would have sufficed us. So if he had led us out of Egypt, but not drown our oppressors, it would have sufficed us.

If he had drowned our oppressors, but not whatever, it would have sufficed us. One of the lines is, if he had given us shelter or watched over us in the desert for 40 years, but not given us the mana, it would have been enough. Yeah, the mana.

And I was like, leaving you in the desert for 40 years, like that one got, yeah. It feels like God wasn't there for that, right? Like it could have ended with that. Well, it honestly flew by. Like if you drown our suppressors, you drown our suppressors, but you did let us linger in the desert for 40 years, you know what, that did suffice. That was okay.

But it's kind of weird. Honestly, the mana was made it worth it. Cause the mana sort of was, we were told that it was this magical food that tasted like whatever you want. That is kind of cool, but it's kind of interesting. Like, yeah, that part of the story is like, I don't know, seems pretty rough. Okay, so you'd strike that.

Honestly, you should next Passover Seder just sort of edit as you copy edit as you go along. It's not a bad idea. Yeah, and then, but there's like a bunch of singing and a bunch of praying, a bunch of rituals that lead up to this meal. And then once the meal happens, then it's sort of like game on.

You can do whatever you want. Yeah. You did it with Jill's family, I assume. So night one, Jill's family, small Seder, Jill's parents, her sister, my brother-in-law, me, Jill Gemma. I thought that one, I thought that was great because everybody wanted Jill's dad to like make it, basically perform it for Gemma. She, and she loves stories. So wanted him to be like this is the story of Passover and he just went so he was so boring he just straight up read his pamphlet that he reads every year

and I was like this is what I that's what I wanted because that's what I remember my grandfather doing when I was young and going to satyrs just like dry and like you I feel like you want the satyr as a kid you want it to be boring you don't want it to be entertaining right Why would you want it to be boring? I guess Looking back on it was Passover was the story of Passover exciting to you or boring I think it was exciting because like you like, you know as a kid like you make masks and then there's the plagues and you put on like the frog thing and then you dip and then you dance and then you like sometimes hit each other with onions to like symbolize this, that and the other. That's right. So it's kind of like this play that you act out with your family. Yeah and well I guess for me I feel like it's a

rite of passage that you're bored by stuff that your grandfather says for an hour and you're kind of confused about what's going on. Oh I see, that's part of the tradition. That's, to me, that is. Yeah, like going to temple is boring. Yeah, that's the point. You've got a temple and you're bored. That's what makes you Jewish. Yeah.

Otherwise, you're not really living the way I grew up. And then the next night we had a bunch of Jill's friends over and we did like a modern Haggadah that like has a play in it where everybody gets parts and there's like songs that are to the tune of more modern songs though it still is pretty old like one of them is there's no business like show business so it's not like that new. And which when you sang that song, which part of the Haggadah was that?

I don't think it was any part of the, I think it's almost like a break from the Haggadah, which I had an issue with because it just makes, like if I'm, I think it would be better to just kind of like power through, plow through everything. But this was like a distraction that just randomly was like, there's no matzah like my matzah, something like that.

Yeah. So you're not really getting through any of the story. It's just like an ancillary song that you have to get through. Did you do the Afikomen? You hide a matzah, kids find it for cash. Well, no, we usually do because Jill has some cousins in her family.

Um, and then I think Jill's dad hid the offie Komen during the Seder. But then after dinner, Gemma was really, really tired and she was like wandering around the house and smacked her head on something and we had to like go home really fast. So Passover, Passover. She's still pretty young. Yeah. She has a huge bruise on her forehead from just like whacking it on a counter.

Which is honestly in tradition with the Passover because like it's supposed to like show you know, the pain and suffering that they endured as slaves in Egypt. That's actually true. And then and then coming coming home, I ran a bunch of red lights to get her back to her crib. And that was like the parting of the sea, the Red Sea. Exactly, yeah. The red lights became the Red Sea.

This was me explaining it to an officer. I like when chaotic stuff like, I mean, I don't like when she hurts her head, but I like chaos around children. You like having to leave early. Well, that I definitely love. That I love. Now this weekend is Easter. That's right.

So yeah, Jemma, we'll be going to- So you then become an Easter family for that Sunday. We are going home to Connecticut because it's my nephew's first birthday. Wow. So, and then we're gonna stay the extra night for an Easter egg it's my nephew's first birthday. And then we're gonna stay the extra night for an Easter egg hunt at my aunt's house. Okay, so that's what I wanted to talk to you and Jill about.

Gemma cannot and will not be participating in that part of like an American upbringing. Well, and all the little eggs we put. Just let me finish because I'll explain. Yeah, go for it. So like she can't actually hunt because then that retroactively undoes sort of in a way, the Passover, paschal, the shank, the herbs, the parsley,

the churro set is all disappeared from the bunny. She needs a taste for bitter herbs, not chocolate candy. But what if I told you- Put that candy down. Now what if I told you that the- Pick up a fucking horseradish. The eggs that we got are little plastic eggs and if you open them up, it's matzo ball soup. That's really good actually.

Kind of like an oyster, but instead of the pearl, it's a really small matzo ball soup. Exactly, an oyster cracker. That's pretty like a soup dumpling almost. I kind of like that. Did you have matzo ball soup? I certainly did, yeah, I certainly did. I had that on both satyrs, both satyrs. I kind of like that. Did you have matzo ball soup? I certainly did. Yeah, I certainly did.

I had that on at both Sater's, both Sater's. And? It's pretty good. I know you didn't necessarily have soup growing up, so it's kind of like a newly acquired situation. Yeah. I think the issue is that when I was growing up, God bless my mom and dad,

but they didn't really prioritize cooking. I think because there was a lot of us. So I never really liked matzo ball soup because I think it maybe wasn't good. And no disrespect to my, I don't know, my family, whoever was cooking it, but I have, now I've had Jill's mom's matzo ball soup and it's insane.

It's really, it's delicious. So I think it's, it wasn't that I didn't like matzo ball soup. It was just that maybe I wasn't having the best of the best. Interesting. But Gemma is going to be sort of grandmother great into the good soup. So she'll like it from the get go. Yeah. And she does like, I mean, she loves matzo.

She loves any kind of cracker. She's all about it. And will she be eating leavened bread this week? Well, is there, are Easter eggs kosher for Passover? That's a funny Google search, but I assume they would be. Sure, because it's just chocolate. What about those little chicks, those like marshmallowy things? Peeps.

Peeps, that's right. Oh wow, you know and I don't. Maybe you're Christian. I wonder if they're kos. Oh wow, you know and I don't. Maybe you're Christian. I wonder if they're kosher at all, let alone for Passover, probably not. How did the Bar Mitzvah child, or adult I should say, do?

She was very meek at the Torah. I could not hear any of her portions. Yeah. It was, and I had a lot, like I ended up taking the gift back. I had to like leave the cash in an envelope on the desk. And after I realized how meek. You just detracted $36 from it, right?

For every mistake. Oh man, not really that, not quite that. You canceled your Aliyah. I was called to the Torah and after I heard how she had done with her grandmother and grandfather for the first Aliyah, I said, thanks, but no thanks. I don't know if I want God to see me in this light.

I said, you're fired. You're fired. It was actually good. It was a good bat mitzvah because it was outdoors. So it was very casual. People milling about, wearing shorts. It didn't have the stuffiness of an indoor synagogue style bat mitzvah.

It was at a Jewish summer camp. So I appreciated that. That is really cool. So you're outside wandering around while she's reading the Torah. Yeah, there's like chairs and some people were listening and paying attention, but other people were just like milling about outdoors because it was like at a Jewish summer camp. Wow. That's so nice.

Sounds very idyllic. All right. Let me know when, uh, how old is Gemma? Nine? Ten? like at a Jewish summer camp. Wow, that's so nice. Sounds very idyllic. All right. Let me know when, how old is Gemma, nine, 10? She's got one coming up soon. Yeah, I mean, she's not nine or 10. She's almost two. So really not that.

Maybe in 10 years. I can put in a good word at the summer camp and you can do it there. I mean, I'm definitely, I'm open to that, especially if we do it this weekend, because we can combine it with a pretty epic Easter egg. Seder. Hunt.

No. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine the Easter bunny hiding his fricking eggs all around that, what'd you call it? A Jew camp? Really fucked up. Yeah, Jewish summer camp actually.

Right. Yeah. Well, all right. I'm glad we got to talk a little bit about Passover before seeding the rest of the year to the fucking Christian calendar. Jesus. Exactly. Literally. Any other notes for Passover? Things we should strike slash add? No, but I have, I've got a, I've got a pitch for a new segment. Uh, maybe we should talk about it after the break though. Okay.

Is it Passover related? It's not, which is why I wanted to save it for after the break. All right. Let's take a break. Bye. Thank you to Huel for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Huel yeah.

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Goodbye. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Woo, woo, woo, Helix. Sleep is really important. I don't know if you know this, Jake, but it's actually pretty crucial in terms of your overall health. Is that legit?

Yes, and one of the greatest ways to improve, maximize your sleep is to improve and maximize your mattress. And Helix has you covered in that regard. Beautiful. Jake, you have a Helix mattress. I sure do. And I love it. So if you're dealing with snoring, back pain, apnea, sleeping through the night, sleeping too hot, Helix sleep.com slash segments has you covered. Exactly.

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and not discuss it any further. And let's move on to the next talking point. I know you take a lot of pride in acing this exam, but like you have so many more important things you can point to when trying to brag about something than saying how you sleep on a Helix. Name one good thing in my life. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Yeah, I guess you don't have a lot going for you. Actually, one thing you have going for you is if you go to helixsleep.com slash segments, they're now offering 20% off site wide. Whoa. Yeah, it's their spring savings event. So helixsleep.com slash segments, and then use that coupon code segments

for 20% off their already low, low prices. Gorgeous. How about that? Shout out to Helix. Boom, baby. And we're back. Passover is over. What's your idea for a new segment?

Okay, check this out. Do you remember on our Patreon when we were deciding the best ever Jake and Amir of all time? Yes, the best ever Jake and Amir of all time, which ended up being, drum roll please, no spoilers except for the actual ending IT guy. Exactly, exactly.

But only out of the 64 that we watched, so I think we can do it again next year. But on the last day, we did a live stream where we sent out a Zoom link and people joined and you opened the room and we basically interviewed different fans from all over the world. There was somebody in the UK, there was somebody in Chicago.

People waited in the waiting room and we added them onto the Zoom one by one. Yeah, so now my idea, basically because I felt like I noticed that our fans who might've been at one point awkward 16 year olds who like our dumb videos, they've somehow defied the odds and grown up to be well-rounded and frankly, hot adults.

Interesting, yeah, I did notice they were all hot. Yeah, they're cute, they're thriving, they have cool jobs, they live in interesting cities. Some of them are lawyers, doctors. Yeah, and then I was combining this with, I think there was a call-in that we did when you and I were together, somebody that was like looking to be set up with someone.

And I was like, Oh yes. You know what? What if you and I do a segment, and I don't know how we do it, but we basically do a live call-in show. Where somebody, it's like a dating show. They tell us about themselves.

They tell us who they're interested in, what they're looking for. And then people listening can kind of like say yes or no, like a live swiping. And then we- So this is like our dating app, Orion, as a segment where we interview people and try to match me.

Yeah, we basically we're matchmakers. I don't know if we could do it in real time, but maybe we can at least interview people, leave it out there for posterity, have someone reach out and then we do some kind of setup or I mean, it would be way better if we could get it to the point where there's a lot of people listening and somebody is on.

Does it have to be living in the same city? No, because you can have a long distance relationship. You can have an LDR. It doesn't have to be, we're not, you know, trying to set them up for perfect love. It's kind of just like an interesting connection. It's a great way to meet somebody. You know, there's, I think there's at least two couples

who are getting married from Orion, maybe even more. Yeah, because it's a very specific personality that liked our videos 10 years ago, and those people usually get along with one another. Exactly. So we open up the Zoom for anybody who's single and looking for love, we interview them, and then people are listening and saying,

hey, I'm with this girl. This person sounds right for me. Sounds good to me. Yeah. And then how, what happens after that? Then we add that person and it's four of us. And we're just trying to make a match. And then after they go off, they can email each other if necessary. The best version of it is we add that fourth person who wants to make the match.

And you and I just mute ourselves. Everybody listens to a very uncomfortable or fluid. Yeah, first date. And then we, you know, whoever is called, they have the, you could make it like MTV's next. So at any point they can end the conversation and drop the person. This is a lot of production help. We need multiple people, pre-screens,

recording, editing, just a lot of shit happening on every side. I didn't say it would be easy, but it would be worth it. I don't think it would be easy at all. It would be worth it. Maybe. A lot of work and then also might not be worth it because at the end of the day, we might just be hearing two strangers talking and sort of making small talk. Where are you from? Yeah, Washington. What'd you say?

What'd you say? Washington. Sorry, you're cutting out. I'm in my car. I'm in my car. I'm in my car. I'm in my car. I'm so fucking hard for you.

I'm so fucking hard. I'm so fucking hard for you. I'm so fucking hard. I'm so fucking hard for you. Yeah, I can tell that's Jake. He's wearing some sort of mask and a voice module. Right, because Jake commuted himself and turned off the video. Yep, the person's name is right there, Jake's iPhone. Really?

So this is just sort of you to vicariously have a first date. iPhone. Really? So this is just sort of you to vicariously have a first date. Okay, that's a interesting seed of an idea that we can consider meaningfully, but obviously not now because we haven't practiced or set anything up. I don't even know how we'd get this link out. Right, we can't do it this second, but I'm throwing it out there because I want to hear from people if they like it. Okay, and how do you want them to hear, how you hear from them? DM Amir on Instagram.

The hell? What's your at? Is it just at Amir? Obviously, why wouldn't they DM you? I don't really check my ads. I don't look at DMs really. Neither do I. I mean, you're hoisting it upon me.

You're more on Instagram. Let's look at who spends more time on Instagram. Can you do that on your phone, right? Yeah, I think so. Okay. Settings, focus or usage, screen time. Screen time, that seems good. Yeah. Okay.

Per app though, downtime app limits always allowed. No. Oh, see all the website activity. Yeah. Okay. What's your daily? 16 minutes today. Okay. But that's cause it's only 1139.

Yeah. Uh, average is 11 hours for Instagram. Are you over under 11 hours? I'm at nine minutes today. Okay, so a little shade under the. The 11 hours. The 11. Daily average.

But I was, I do a lot of like cam horror stuff. So like I was on live, which like, I usually just leave it open for. I'm so hard for you. I do it while I sleep. It's like this weird community that I'm a part of. So like that's eight hours. Right.

Nocturnal emissions. Okay. Fine. DM me or email Jake's sub stack. That works too. Uh, okay. I had an idea for a segment that I actually came prepared for. Oh, I searched the oldest emails in my Gmail from you.

Interesting. So these are a little bit later than when we first interacted over email, which I use like some sort of Microsoft email client that I don't use anymore. These are just Gmail emails that were sent around 2007, 2008. So I'm gonna run these by you

and you can sort of justify your behavior, explain what you were thinking during them. Jesus. Okay. Uh, first one's from 2007, October 11th. Does anyone here have a dot dot dot is the subject line. Can you guess what the body of the email says? This is you to everybody at college humor at the time.

Um, does anyone here have a dot, dot, dot? I mean, I hope it's laptop charger. It is a charger, but not a laptop charger. Oh, phone charger. Gotta be a phone charger. A Razor phone charger. Razor. Wow.

You didn't bring in your Razor phone charger that day. So that was your first sort of email to all, no responses by the way. Of course. Well, I bet somebody handed it to me. Yeah, that's probably what happened. Everyone had a razor. What did you, what kind of phone did you have?

I had a chocolate razor. Did you have a razor? I had a rum razor. I had like a Nokia flip phone into a Blackberry. So I don't know if I ever had the razor. I had the crazier for a bit. The crazier was hell of a fun. Sidekick. Yeah.

One email you sent me in 2007 as well, a J&A idea. Ooh. You say, I get a call and I sound really concerned. Jake, oh my God, is he okay? Amir, looking annoyed. Jake, when did it happen? Amir, rolling his eyes, et cetera. And I replied, ha ha, I don't understand what happened.

We never really got into it. Well, I feel like we did because this one might've ended up being, we watched this video recently, didn't we? Yeah, it's like, oh my God, is he okay? I'm like, Jake, hang up, get off the phone. Right, and you just keep on like, it's like you're not supposed to be on the phone at work,

but it's like really clear that my dad had some kind of like cardiac event or something. Yeah, we did watch that for Patreon recently. Was it Rosie or Brownies or? Maybe it was, I think it was just phone call. Phone call? Yeah, I don't remember. Gross websites, chat roulette, sickly smoking, one of those old ones. Yeah. It was really disturbing video to watch actually. I didn't like it.

Okay, here's one. A marketing person at CollegeHumor, John Feldman said, we broke our CollegeHumor one-day traffic record on Thursday, October 11th with 700,000 visits. Wow. Oh, 700,000 visits. And it was for Bohemian Rhapsody. No. Damn it. And he also says our Alexa rating went up to 486. Remember when we were worried about

what CollegeHumor's Alexa rating was? Yeah, we were in the top 500 websites. Is that what it was? Yeah, they ranked every website on earth. Is it? Is that still around? It was a Google thing, right? What's my sub stack at?

Alexa web rating. Alexa.com is now, is it just Alexa.com? Yeah, Alexa.com website traffic rating. Wow. That was such a big deal at the time. It feels like Amazon would have bought that or something. Right, cause they already have. Is it still around? What's the biggest website?

Google? Substack.com is 437. So roughly as big as CollegeHumor was back in the day. Wow. But what's my substack specifically? Third. That's pretty good. That's really good. I would love to get that number two.

Yeah, Google is first. Slot. The reason was Amir, me, Amir's Monopoly article is breaking on DIG and was a massive driver of traffic. And you replied all, way to go, Cohen. Basically giving credit to Amir Cohen. Oh, that's good. That's good.

It's good, but it kind of downplayed how big the article was on dig. What was that monopoly article? Do you remember it? It was called Honest Monopoly Board, but I don't remember what it was on it. Interesting. It was probably like land here and get in a fight with your family. Yeah. Luxury tax, unable to do math as to what 75% is, so pay $200 or something.

Right. Classic. Very good stuff. Okay, here's a good one. Yeah. Also from late 2007. Hey guys, Johnny Lechner, the guy from CH's project Johnny is here. Check out collegehumor.com slash Johnny

to watch him wander around Union Square. We should give him and the John Taraj a warm CV welcome when they get here. A warm CV welcome for the John Tourage. CV because it was connected ventures with the parent company that owned College Humor and Vimeo. What do you remember about project Johnny? I mean, literally nothing. I know nothing about it. Project Johnny, Johnny Lector. It was some sort of, um, like live streaming thing. Right.

Maybe so. So he's wandering around live stream. And that's why I was saying like, if we give them a warm welcome, we'll all end up on the John Tourage cams. Yes, exactly. Uh, he has a Wikipedia welcome, we'll all end up on the John Tourage cams. Yes, exactly. He has a Wikipedia page, so it was kind of a big deal. And now he's an actor musician on Instagram. So for him,

you can check out Johnny Leckner then. Yeah, calledtrum.com slash Johnny. I don't know why we got involved with Johnny Lechner or the John Tourage, but you were really into it. It sounds like I wasn't. I, that reeks of somebody telling me to send that email. I sent a link, check out this John Tourage. I feel like that was a directive.

I really do. Okay, here's another Jake, your idea you sent me on November 11th, 2007. We should write a whole opening dance sequence to Austin powers. Whoa. But we didn't do that for another four years. It was much later when we did it for the all nighter, right? Yeah. We sort of gestated sad on that idea for years at a time.

It's funny that I thought it had been such a long time coming that I wanted to do the Austin Powers dance move opening number. In 2007. Yeah. I'm glad we finally did it. But you know, we waited for the right time. We should have done it with the John-terrage. Project Johnny style.

CollegeHumor.com slash Johnny. Let's give them a CV welcome. Like it feels to me like Ricky or Josh wrote that email. And had you said that. CollegeRever.com slash Johnny, let's give him a CV welcome. Like it feels to me like Ricky or Josh wrote that email. And had you said it. I think so. Here's one called fake viral video idea that you sent in January of 2008. Do you remember what it was?

Now we're getting very current. January 2008. A fake viral video idea. I don't really remember this. I guess that was a directive we had. Yeah, there was a time, I think there was like, now I can't remember if this was a real viral, like a real fake viral video that I saw or a one that Streeter pitched, but it was like, girls in a hot tub, like chalet with like snowy mountains behind them and one of them like diarrhea is in the hot tub or something. And it's just all the water turns like brown and everybody jumps out. Like- Which I think happened.

That was an actual video or maybe a fake vibe. Anyway, words were fake. There was lots of fake viral videos. We're trying to game the system because you wanted to break on dig and get the traffic up from Alexa. Bing, go. That was the whole ball game.

Correct. Much like the prank wars, I should say. Yeah. But your idea was at home this weekend, I thought of a fake viral video. It would be one of those appraiser people at antique road show. And he's looking at some ancient face

and he suddenly drops it and it shatters. Oh, good stuff. Which I do remember seeing eventually on an actual ant. Like he's like this cup and he like holds it tightly and it just explodes in his hand. Again, I don't know if that was real or fake. Of course. I'm sure it's definitely, it's not a bad idea,

but it doesn't sound that original. As soon as you're like come up with a fake viral video, I feel like anybody could have come up with that. Yeah. This one makes no sense to me. I don't know why you sent it. October 29th, 2007. It's called Blech. B B L E C H H H. I don't know if this is an article idea you had or not, but it was just a series of one-liners that

says so into football right now. G men. Next line. Papel bond dances like a gay monkey. So stupid. Next line really thought that Carol ball was out of there. Wow, it was really close. It's like you live tweeting your thoughts on a baseball game or something.

Ha ha ha, whatever, keep it coming, I love it, I don't care. Next line, why is this happening to me? To us, we have nothing, can't you see I'm broken? My heart is bleeding and I have nothing, I am broken. Jeter, captain, why did you let me down? That's, it's so odd. I have so little memory of that that now I think that the John Taurage email

might've been all me. Cause I don't know who I am. You think we miss A-Rod? Fuck no. Steinbrenner has more money to build a better A-Rod. That's right. a robotic third baseman that can't ruin our postseason. Do you have any idea why you were live tweeting

your thoughts on a Yankees-Retslux baseball game? Not really, but I do remember that basically 2007, 2008, 2009, those were like years, big years for me when I was super into the Yankees. They had, you know, they had Giambi, they had Tashara, Jeter, A-Rod. This is big, these are teams that should have been winning the World Series and they did in 2009. But I remember I used, like, cause Kunal, our friend Kunal was a Red Sox fan

and we used to like go to bars together to watch baseball games. But I remember I used like, cause Kunal, our friend Kunal was a Red Sox fan and we used to like go to bars together to watch baseball games. So I could have easily just been drunk and writing all this. Cause at first it sounded like- Well why you emailed it to me as a mystery. That part I really don't understand. It sounded almost like it was Jake and Amir lines.

Cause like we've done that where like we're watching football or watching basketball. that part I really don't understand. It sounded almost like it was Jake and Amir lines, because we've done that where we're watching football or watching basketball, but they're so Yankee positive that it feels like it was me. Okay, last one was a Jake and Amir idea I had. I send it to you in 2008, February. I say, you taking out a sandwich at your desk and I say, Oh man, I got to have that. And Jake says, you do not. It is mine.

And I say, sorry, brother, I need to house that right now. You say, don't apologize because you're not eating it. And I say, I wish there was something I could do with their ain't. I'm coming over to demolish that. And you say you aren't. And I said, sorry, brother, no questions asked. You say that is correct. You aren't asking you use that phrase correctly, but I think it was an accident.

And I say, that's all I got so far. And you replied ha nice. Was I, uh, do you think I was placating you? I don't think so. Cause we did end up making that video. Didn't we do one with a soda like that? Or was that, we also did one with a sandwich. I think we also did one with a sandwich.

Like give me, wait, it was give me a sip of that soda. Give me a sip of that soda. That was sort of the spiritual sequel to this one where I talk about, I needs to have this sandwich. I'm coming over to destroy it and all this stuff. But all you gave me back was a ha. Nice. I think we did that.

We did? I think so. But now I wanna see, now I'm looking to see if I can find the oldest email that I have from your Gmail. Why? That's not what this segment is. This is fucking an ambush and it's got to journalism. And if it's weird,

you're probably making it up because you felt offended or kind of put on the spot by my oh, it's an interview. No way. I never took an interview. Not quite done with this, but want to take a crack at some of these for tomorrow. What are we shooting tomorrow? Hey, I'm gonna meet up with the John Taj later. You're around. I think we should give him a big CV welcome. Oh man. Yeah.

These are, none of these are that good. I didn't screen these before like you did. You didn't choose the weirdest slash most embarrassing. Oh, here's one from December, 2007. Oh, I had an idea for Jake and Amir. I have a Rubik's cube and I'm trying to solve it. You walk up and snatch it out of the box. You didn't choose the weirdest slash most embarrassing. Oh, here's one from December 2007. Oh. I had an idea for Jake and Amir.

I have a Rubik's cube and I'm trying to solve it. You walk up and snatch it out of my hand and start furiously working on it. 30 seconds later, you slam it down in front of me like it's solved, but it looks exactly like it did before you shrug. Sort of, we also did that. Yeah, it's kind of interesting.

We eventually did that. A lot of these 2007 ideas really needed four years of planning and tinkering to become the perfect fully fleshed out ideas that we ended up making. Yeah, wild. Memory lane. Okay, that's it. Those are the two segments today, we discussed Passover. And then we looked into the Gmail's from an era gone by. 18 year old emails. These emails are now old enough to vote. Right, we discussed Passover and then we looked at emails that have been passed over. Isn't that interesting? That's really good.

That's really fucking good. That's actually why I planned it. I figured you did. So that's cool. All right. Thanks for listening. Let us know if you want to discuss your single life on a future episode of this podcast and potentially meet a mate that may or may not live in the city that you live in. Exactly. Ideally eligible choice bachelorenos, but we'll take what we can get. Even the losers amongst you could apply.

And again, that email address is jakesubstack at gmail.com. What? That's not even right. Jake, ask Jake Hurwitz. Wrong. Ask Jake at g Hurwitz. Wrong. Ask Jake at gmail.com. No. Your sub stack.

Yeah, my sub stack. Has a Gmail. Yeah, it does. And that address is? Just contact jake at gmail.com. That's really good. How was your first post? Which came out.

You know, is it every Friday so there will be two? That's my plan, every Friday. So there will be two. That's my plan every Friday. Uh, it was cathartic and pleasant for me to write it. I had a great time just clacking away at the old keyboard, sending it out. Uh, it felt great. I loved it. All right. So you can check that out at what's your sub stack. stack.com slash at Jake Hurwitz. If you want to follow along at 80, um, no, the outside. Yeah. All right. Uh, and we're also on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J a watching

classic Jake and Amir's still every Thursday for your video consumption. Have to do it. Thank you for listening to this episode and we'll be back next week. Dude, ciao everybody. Happy Easter. Peace. That was a Hidgum Original. Liz and I met in the writer's room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder. But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s. Which can really happen, and it has happened to us. It's true.

Because life has imitated ours. And then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle. And now... We're making a podcast that's about making friends. And we're inviting an incredible guest like Vanessa Bear. Wow, I have so much to say. Lisa Kudrow.

Feelings, they're a nuisance. Nick Kroll. I just wanted to say hi. Matt Rogers. I'm like on the verge of tears. So good. So good to join us and hopefully become our friends in real life.

Take it out of the podcast studio and into real life. Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating. Yep. Spousing. True. Parenting. Career-ing about dating. Yep spousing true parenting Career and why we love film and louise and it's the greatest movie of all time shouldn't need to be said no We said it's just a true thing So please subscribe to here to make friends on Spotify Apple podcast pocket casts or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video

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