If I Were You - 76: Bowl Cut (with Streeter Seidell)

Episode Date: May 8, 2014

Our buddy Streeter joins us to discuss bisexual boyfriends and globetrotting girlfriends.Thanks to OurTunez for sponsoring this BONUS THURSDAY episode! An awesome free way to discover new music, on your iPhone or computer: http://bit.ly/1fNA7ulSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Take it in the air Every now and then I have a really tough question And I need some free advice Take it in the air Every now and then I get a little bit desperate And then I go on Tinder Take it in the air Every now and then I get in a sticky situation

Then I have nowhere to turn Take it in the air Every now and then I go into a star box And I swear I wanna kill myself Take it in the air Forever and I Every now and then I seize the cheese Take it in the air

Forever and I Every now and then I seize the cheese And I need your advice I fucking need it more than ever And if you only make fun of me I swear that I'll hit you forever And you better swipe me right Cause if you don't I'll still trail

Wherever you told I'll follow you there I'm gonna turn off the podcast Cause I do the Clare I do the Clare I don't know what to do So I'll ask if I will you I'll take an advice even from a freaking Jew I really need your advice

Cause this is forever and I Cause this is forever And once in a lifetime I was hashtagged up But now I'm only hashtagged up There's nothing I can do A total eclipse of the hand So long! So long!

I like that this guy isn't necessarily a good singer But he just fucking went for like one of the hardest songs to sing It's like the beginner skier just like I think I'll try this double black diamond and see what happens I guess it worked I admire his bravery And I admire that he forced his little sister into singing the chorus That's what you imagine

Get over here, Rachel! Just stay in cheek in a mirror Make the fart noise at the end and it will be good Hey, Streeter's here Hey, that song was so long You just made me sit here for two minutes That's actually just the first half of it Let's play the second half right now

The second verse Take a little intermission Um, yeah I thought at the very least he went for it Well, what's his name? Oh, it's two guys So we can never talk about it again Actually, I don't know, there's no girl

Two people came together to make that? My god Instead of it's from Colin and Corey Maybe Corey's a woman? There was definitely a girl's voice in that chorus He could have pitch shifted it Yeah, it was all auto-tuned I know it was

I can sing that I can sing that high If the auto-tune did, it would have been in tune Bright eyes every night that I see the cheese He also, like, important to threaten us If you make fun of us, I'll hate you forever Because he hates you forever I'll snail trail your house

He'll follow us to a live show and hurt us Yeah, that's threatening If that was Colin or Corey Who's making those threats It was Corey It's more of a Corey move Colin's a girl's name too, isn't it? Could be

Could be You know, nowadays people are so liberal and crazy with their names It's like anybody can be anything Hey, buddy Sorry Take it easy, I'm a weird neighbor Liberal and crazy So wait, are those the same things?

Yeah, those are the same things Those are the same things too Crazy liberal I swear to the god, I saw a woman named Jordan the other day Jordan You were wondering why we were losing to China That's not the reason though Oh, so what's the reason?

The woman you met named Jordan was Chinese Jordan Lee Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Jake And I'm Amir Yeah And I'm Streeter Yeah

Streeter, are you our first three-time guest? Really? Is it your third time? I think it is It's either third or fourth Wow, you've been on so long you don't even remember how many times Yeah, and I haven't even listened to it ever That's bold

Is it good? We've edited each one of your episodes really heavily Oh really? Thanks for that We usually don't even touch them, but when you're on we record for two and a half hours and cut it down to the best 41 minutes I say a lot of stuff We pitch-shifted and make you Alice and Williams

Yeah Two of the Alice and Williams episodes was Streeter on the autotune So how does it work? We get emails from people in difficult places They email us at IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com with their problems and we do our best to advise them out of it Sometimes it's just us too and sometimes we have our best friend, Streeter on

Oh, am I your best friend? I guess you're in the circle Oh wow, I'm in like, do you think I'm top five? Dual friends Top five It's a big ask and you know what? Don't feel a ton of pressure to say yes Just because you're not in my top five

Because I did email you my list and you were not on it Yeah, I got your list You got my list Your list technically was your bachelor party that me and Jake weren't invited to Wow, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa We're gonna get real, things took a feel Dude, you know maybe I would have invited you if you ever invited me over to your apartment in New York You never went to one apartment with this?

Not once, one time I went when he lived with David In the East Village In the East Village in 2005 To be fair, that wasn't quite an apartment, it was like a... That's true It was a ret If we had your bachelor party now we'd be invited Definitely

And you know who wouldn't? Jeff Rubin Yeah, kicked off, bumped out Peace out Rubin, hello Jake and Amir Two people step in to fill his shoes He does wear, oddly enough, this is a cool Jeff Rubin fact He wears a size 15 and a half There are seven sizes too big, but he still wears them Have you seen him dunk?

Yeah He enters and wins those like crazy dunk competitions all the time Yeah, the end one The end one? Sure, like semi-professional competition He goes to New York to West 4th Street, he just balls there He just balls He has a 47 inch vertical, it's crazy, they call him the helicopter

He jumped over a Honda Civic as part of a Honda stunt thing The Blake Griffin of nerds Guys, can I just say one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't invite you to my bachelor party Really? Yeah, just because I brought it up No, I've always thought that that was a bad move We were guys in Pat We were on the cusp

But you know, bachelor parties are hard, you can only invite so many people My theory is more than six people are impossible to move More than six? Yeah, so it's like if you have a group of more than six people just getting places and agreeing on shit to do becomes super annoying Especially when you're on mushrooms Yeah, when you're on a lot of mushrooms and you're going skydiving, that's like a difficult thing to do with a large group

Skydiving on mushrooms? No, but the dude, my instructor guy almost dosed me on acid What? When we were walking to the plane, he was like, you want a cert? You know, certs, like the mince? Yeah And I was like, yeah, sure And I took one and I was about to put it in my mouth and he was like, whoa, wait a minute, that one has acid on it On it?

It's not acid, it just drops And so that would have been interesting And then he ate it He would not, he just referred to himself as Batman and he wouldn't I was like, but what's your name? He's like Batman My name's Batman Oh no Anyway, attach yourself to my body and let's jump out of an airplane

Your life is in my hands I'm Batman Do you know how this parachute thing works? You know what, we'll figure it out I got a cape just in case Oops, I ate the acid cert I would be concerned enough just that he still had certs The problem is all the skydiving people are so cool, you can't back down ever, you know

You don't want to look like a loser in front of them In front of Batman Not in front of a professional skydiver Exactly You know all the bad ones have been killed already So that's why you feel safe, because the good ones have survived long enough That's not fair, that's just bad parachutes, not bad skydiving It's sort of Darwinian

There's no such thing as a bad parachute Only a bad skydive Only bad humans Alright, should we get started? We need some fake names We're going to give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity Should we do trophy wife characters? Oh shit

Yeah, straighter rates for trophy wife every Tuesday night Well, just next Tuesday And then it's over Wait, did your episode come out? Mine was last night Holy shit New ratings low Really?

People actually tuned out when they saw your name in the opening credits They did Massive drop off I do think it was the lowest rated one Oh really? I think so I'm sure it had nothing to do with you It's always one week delayed, so it had to do with the episode before last

No, no, mine opened with a reading of mine conf 21 minutes 22 solid minutes It went through the commercial break Yeah, so can you give us names from trophy wife, the show on ABC that you write for? Sure We need a female name Oh, you need a female name?

Kate is the main lady What if you couldn't think of it? Sometimes I just think of the actor's name Bradley No Kate Kate writes Hey dudes, so I have been in a steady relationship with my boyfriend for five years now

And recently he has opened up about some things that he wants to try He wants to have sex with his male friend in college He says it's strictly for having the experience and that there would be no feelings involved I feel very uncomfortable about this We have done anal play with a dildo and had anal sex and I even licked his asshole But he is still dead set on having this experience with his bisexual friend How should I feel about this? What else can I do to shake these urges he's having?

I consider it cheating, but he insists it's not Please help Let's start with that last question, is do you think this is cheating? If I fucked you, would it be cheating on my girlfriend? Yeah Yeah, definitely It would? It doesn't matter what you think it is, it's how your partner would view it

But that's a dangerous game, because what if your partner is like, I think watching porn is cheating So is that considered cheating? I mean, you have to live in their world a little bit You have to deal with their consequences for what you did Oh, interesting That is true So regardless of how dumb it is Just by being married is our wisest friend

I can't because I ate some mozzarella cheese last night and I haven't heard the end of it She is on my ass like stink on shit about the cheese thing What do you think? Do you think if you had a girlfriend and she had, well first of all, let's say your wife cheated on you With another girl With a girl? That would be worse Jesus

Go for it, babe As long as I can watch That would be the worst thing if she wouldn't let you watch, it would just be so awful That would be worse than cheating on you with a guy Yeah But I would rather I wouldn't, I'll tell you what, I wouldn't be into it You wouldn't be into it or would you mind it less than if she cheated on you with a guy?

Definitely, yeah There's like a double standard there, I think, and I'm okay with it Yeah, like she can make out with another girl and that's somewhat fine Like she has more wiggle room than I do and that's okay with me Right I'm fine with that I would also be less pissed if, one, I had a girlfriend And two, she hooked up with another girl instead of a guy

You'd be lovely You'd be less pissed Does that, what does that make me homophobic or what the opposite is, heterophobic? Well, it's, you're half open-minded Yeah I guess you're You're such an optimist It's, it's sort of like, okay, you hooked up with a girl, I guess you maybe have like feelings for women

So there's like something I couldn't offer you there Right, that's what it is I think like anything that's, but all, if she did it secretly and you found out, I think that's like, I don't know, that always sucks You know, at least this guy's being like up front with his girlfriend, he's like, look, I'm having these feelings I want to explore this He hasn't cheated on her, he's just like actively asking permission Well, here's the thing though, this dude's straight lying Cause he's like, you would not pursue that unless you had emotional feelings leading you in that direction

Yeah And he's telling her it's just like something he wants to do I'm just curious man No one just wants to do that, you know what I mean I wouldn't feel like, I wouldn't feel like to have my ass pounded by my friend Man What's up babe What the fuck, it's not like feelings are involved, I just want Troy to fucking rail me out

Your dick's not big enough babe It's just not Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the rim job, but like, you don't have a dick like Troy and I want to get reamed Why can't you close your mouth I don't want to close it Just in case there's a dick nearby, I want to make sure it's completely elven I want Troy to give me a fucking pink sock, alright, I want an elephant trunk hanging off the back of my ass He's lying, this is a bisexual man or maybe a gay man who's like, in transition

Which is probably right, especially because he's in college like experimenting and seeing what's up Maybe he's like not ready to admit that he's like having gay feelings and he's just like, I'm curious about the experience Yeah, yeah No one's curious about that experience unless they're like a little gay, right? Yeah, well, I guess Alright, I'm not really on the homophobic You know what I'm saying, Jake's stuffing a gay kid into a locker right now You have like, I'm not curious about what it would feel like to have a dude finger my butt

Well, let's just Well, it feels the same as a girl This is like not that there's anything wrong with that Right, yeah, you could be a little gay, we're not saying it's a bad thing, we're just saying that you are a little bit gay Right, there's like the whole Kinsey scale of like zero to six, you're either a zero or you're not gay at all Yeah Which is the best one to be Totally gay

That's how you guarantee you get into it It might be the reverse, six is straight and zero is gay That's why I just go with the three Yeah, that's what you don't have to worry about The three, no matter what I'm smack dab in the middle I feel like she should maybe, maybe it's time to move on from this fella Well, her question is how should I be feeling

She's asking permission, if she grants permission then it's not cheating So she said, how should I be feeling about this, what else can I do to shake these urges he's having You can't Nothing Just break up with him But if you want to do this, I totally get it, or I don't get it, but I totally, you know, I wish you the best But I'm not going to be your girlfriend That's what I would say

Yeah, if you consider it cheating then it is cheating and he shouldn't do it Right Or she should be like, alright, I want to hook up with a guy too Oh, another guy If you want to explore the benefits and pitfalls of an open relationship, you could do that too Right You know what, you just hook up with guys if you want to, I'm going to explore my options as well Call is bluff

But sometimes that's a little too painful for people and I think it's better to just cut and run And be like, you know what, go get fucked by your friend at college, I'm just going to race you for my life I'm just going to say this one thing because I feel like it's important to say, like, they're in college So it doesn't matter, they can just break up and it's fine Yeah, college is a wasteland of emotions College doesn't count It's true, it's true, yeah, just, you know, just move along And send them my way, you know, I'll send them straight

I feel like I should, I was talking to you last week when we were in Berkeley I'm like, I feel like I should be in college now Like, only now am I emotionally and physically ready to hang out with college kids Right When I was in college, I felt like a high schooler trying to act cool You looked like a high schooler Yeah, yeah, now that I'm like 31, I finally look like a college kid And I feel like now I should go back to school

You'd be the king of campus I think I said this to you in Berkeley that I completely disagree with that statement Yeah, you said it's better to be peaking now as a 31 year old Yeah Than it is to be peaking in college And that you can still fuck college girls Right And I don't have to go to class

Yeah, it's perfect You don't have to learn anything Like, you don't have to sit there and fake learn to sleep with these lovely young ones So you're saying I should just be hanging out on college campuses No, I also don't think you should be doing that Well, what the fuck? How am I supposed to get laid, dude? Tinder Idiot

He's better in person, Jake You don't get that I need to be there He's not like you, he's not a fucking pretty shell with nothing in it Alright Thanks, Street You heard the crab You're right

Thanks, Street, I appreciate that I'm pretty Thanks for letting me sit here, guys What's the opposite of that? Gray M&M I guess, yeah Yeah, because you're like gross on the outside Delicious on the inside Well, not that there's anything wrong with being gray

Not even gross on the outside I'm not even gross on both PC episodes yet For any of you guys out there with gray skin That wasn't meant as a slam on you or anything like that Is there a Tinder where instead of pictures You see like funny quips, tweets and stuff like that And you judge people based on their tweets Gross

Disgusting Have you gone on the Tinder date yet? That one, the same one from like months and months ago Oh yeah, that's right I haven't physically met anyone that I met Or that I met online on Tinder Wow I don't know

Very tight Alright, next question Yeah Oh, guys name Guys name Go with Burt, Burt's the little kid The little funny child That's perfect for this

He's a high schooler in Australia Hey guys I'm a high school student in Australia I'm in a band The only serious one in my school And my whole band wants to... I'm in a band, the only serious one in my school And my whole band wants to get bowl cuts

My girlfriend of a year Really doesn't want me to go through with it Even though I had one when we met Hope you can help Is it like a Beatles thing? Yeah, maybe Maybe like bowl cuts Are bowl cuts cool?

Are we back again? Am I ready to stop putting crap in my hair And just let it fall forward? So I guess, yeah Well, whether or not bowl cuts are cool or not What do you do when your lady friend Doesn't want you to do something That all your guy friends want you to do

You're kind of fucked Not just your guy friends You're banned You're banned The only serious one in the whole school I think you just don't do it You don't? See, it's basically who do you prioritize

Who do you want to piss off? Well, who do you spend more time with? Probably the girlfriend She's the one that you want to find You don't care if your bandmates find you attractive You want the girl that you're with To find you attractive But you don't want to seem whipped

That's true First of all You have to explore your heart And be like, what do I want? Yeah If he's doing the bowl cut Just because the band wants him to And he would rather be like

Having a different haircut And have his girlfriend find him attractive Then do that And if you would rather have a bowl cut And be one with your band And tell your girlfriend to get over it And you can wear a hat around her Yeah

Then I'll do that The thing with a bowl cut is You can just throw some product in there And style it up And make it into something else So it's like That's not in the spirit of the band But I'm saying like

Offstage? I feel like the girlfriend doesn't understand That that's like the only serious band In the whole school Yeah I'll feel like you don't get it Okay, mate I don't know how to do it

I don't know how to do it If this band did the scoop I can't do it I can't Where's Josh Rubin when you need him? Let's wait He's in New York I'm sure he'll turn up some time

The only serious band in the school That means You know what that means? Yeah We're so serious we want to get Matching bowl cuts We're so serious we don't even play music Because that's too like carefree

Yeah A lot of our shit is just Spoken word poetry About aborigines Well here's Here's what sometimes I do When it's like girlfriend versus Other friends

Is you weigh Like who would be I usually Decide to let down the guy friends Because When you let down your guy friends They're not as mad As when you let down your girlfriend

It doesn't last long Oh you're not going to get a haircut Pussy Alright What's up And then girlfriend is like Okay you got the haircut It doesn't look that good

And they're like alright sorry What do you want to do for dinner? I don't care Vagina is closed Fuck Forever Now I'm done Yeah

I'm done with you I mean I don't blame her For not wanting him to get a bull cut Yeah I don't care if that's Hey baby do you mind if I'm Stupid Do you mind if I'm ugly

For the next six months Ha What if I look like a penis For a little while It is weird like When your significant other Wants to do something Drastically physical to them

Because it's like You don't have a right to say What like My girlfriend doesn't have A right to say what I look like But then it's like She has to look at it more than I do And she has to deal with it

More than I do So it's almost like She should decide what I look like Well I think there's also Some level of you Or at least there should be That cares about their opinion Right

So it's not like I don't want to piss her off It's like okay I value Your viewpoint You think my hair would look Way worse as a bull cut I tend to agree I think I have a way out

For this guy Yeah I think you should make fun Of his band mates Relentlessly For even suggesting That they all get bull cuts Like

Just Aggressively Make fun of that idea Yeah And I think eventually He'll like Find the weak link in the band Like he's honestly

Probably the bass player Of the drummer And get Why do you say that Get him to flip Cause they're the non-dominant Band members Like that's why I'm so angry

All the time on stage Like they don't get to Make any decisions So if like He can win one of them To his side Then I think he can Start to sway the

The bull cut idea The momentum Yeah just sway it There's a point to be made That the bull cut idea Is very lame It's very stupid So let's admit

That right off the bat Well we don't know What's going on down there Man everything is Topsy-turvy Bull cuts are cool Bands are serious This girlfriend

Might be a crocodile For all we know I just feel like You just see It's biting off the Beatles You might as well do Something original It is kinda cool to do the Beatles

And even the Beatles Ditch that bull cut Pretty quick Yeah they just Grew it out Yeah they were like Doesn't look that cool It's cool to come up

With something original That you all want to do Yeah Like all you guys wear Sunglasses What about monk haircuts You know A tonture

Like a monk haircut Where you just have Like a halo of hair Yeah That's a good look Not a lot of people Are doing that Yeah

Larry David So what's this guys ultimate advice Do what will Piss off the person Less is what I say If your girlfriend Will be more pissed Than your band mates

Then Do what she wants And if your band Will be more pissed Than your girlfriend Then do what they want That's bad advice Do whatever the person

Yeah Just do whatever will Make you in the least amount of trouble No Do whatever you want No No no That's bad advice

I say anti-bull cut Do whatever the fuck you want He doesn't want the bull cut He doesn't want the bull cut Don't get the bull cut Exactly Get the bull cut It couldn't matter less

You're in high school And it's your hair But you don't understand Everything's gonna be fun This matters the most to him I know This is the most important thing In the world right now

Man what a wonderful life this kid leads Which is why we as 30 year olds Get to be like It doesn't matter We can tell him the truth We don't have to be like We don't have to be placating What would I do in this situation

Whatever the fuck I wanted to That's it That's what you do in every situation Exactly It worked out pretty damn good For me didn't it You have a bull cut My band's serious

Alright there you have it Did you guys see Louis last week? Nah Okay Were you on it? No Nervous writer The return of nervous writer

He does this thing where he impersonates All four Beatles in a row To make his kids go to sleep And it's really good Wow That's all I gotta say about that Alright He does different accents for each one

I feel like I always just do the same accent for him He says I'm John, I'm George, I'm Paul Or I'm, is it Paul? Yeah I'm Paul I'm Ringo Oh my god you're such an immigrant Just like the Beatles I'm more, I'm as un-American as they are

What is it cheeseburger? I'd like a cheeseburger please Yeah Cheeseburger Am I saying it right? Cheeseburger I know that's saying it right Oh I'm sorry

You make fun of me For getting hamburgers instead of cheeseburgers Yeah You think cheeseburgers should be the default I feel like once they invented Once someone invented a cheeseburger They should have just stopped making hamburgers It's such an obvious improvement

So you're saying the cheeseburger should be a hamburger And a hamburger should be a hamburger without cheese There should just be no option to get it without cheese One time Burger King tricked me Because you have to ask for cheese there Yeah And I've never been more angry in my life And he's never gone back to Burger King

I haven't Because you said This is ridiculous This hamburger has no cheese on it And they're like sir that's a cheeseburger And you're like no, no, no, that's a hamburger Ridiculous I called my dad

He thought the exact same thing He was like they got you didn't they? He's eating it too The cheese thing I've been there I've done that Oh yeah, oh yeah This show is sponsored by BetterHelp

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Everything looks good Let's launch it Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Alright, another lady's name Ooh, Jackie

Jackie Boom Third question from Jackie writes Hey guys, so here's my dilemma I'm going to Alaska this summer To work at a fish processing plant I went last year and had a great time Met awesome people and made lots of money

However, this year my girlfriend Wants to come with me I love her and spending time with her But one of the reasons I go up there Is to get away from the real world for a bit And I think having her there Would change that And it wouldn't be the same experience

How do I tell her that without sounding like a dick Or does that actually make me a dick Thanks in advance Love, what'd you say her name was? Jackie Jackie Is it a girlfriend as in Wait, what are you talking about?

As in they're a lesbian couple Or a girlfriend as in her female friend I think girlfriend is a girlfriend Like they're a couple Yeah, you get up and walk away Excuse me I'm not into this Good day, sir

I'm really confused Why? Two women As a couple She's getting sick over here Jake's getting sick Your hair's falling down into a bull cut More Ben, serious

Yahoo, serious That's a tough one Yeah, a vacation to want to get away And then your girlfriend's like Oh, I'll come with And they're like, oh But I like being away from you In her hedge

Her girlfriend's like Oh my god, I'm the sweetest Like look at me Going up to stupid Alaska Rip salmon guts out Just for you Right I feel like that signifies

A fundamental problem in the relationship Like hey, can I I'll come with you Like no, I really like I really like Gutting fish by myself In Alaska And meeting you

I love your stings But I want to go to Alaska And touch dead fish For a summer The least appealing thing You could possibly do Go to the furthest away And do the worst thing

And rather do that than you How about one little ray of sunshine I'll come along No, I really like the dead fish I prefer to be alone with the fish Actually I'd like my hand up In an all-white albacore

Okay Without you there I kind of commiserate with this I haven't quite been able to Figure out how to Tell someone That I'm in a relationship with That I prefer time apart

Because it seems like It seems like a slap in the face But I don't think it necessarily is Right Because absence makes the heart grow Fonder Yeah You have to set that shit up

Like early though Right Because I feel like You have a girlfriend And she's flying somewhere And you're like Oh, I'll drive you to the airport

And that's like That's like the first three months Shit Right And then like two years later They're like Oh, I'm going, I'm flying And we drive me there

And we're like Oh, can you fucking take Cab Shit You used to take me to the airport Yeah You used to do this You used to do that

Right Like obviously the Used to text me all day The same first three months Amir, calm down That was me on my best behavior Don't you get that? I'm leaving a voicemail to your ex-girlfriend

Get off the phone, dude Amir, we already broke up You don't have to justify this shit to me anymore No, but like No, like understand my motivations here Because But do you find yourself being less You're married

So like do you find yourself You do less shit I spent a lot of time away from Vanessa No, you do The streeter does real romantic shit When we were in the Seattle market You bought her a big box Of her favorite tea

Right I thought that was really sweet That stuff is awesome But in general do you find yourself doing Less romantic stuff than you did Like the first three months When you're courting her Maybe

Maybe the frequency is less like When we first started dating I was like Every week it was like Oh, I gotta do something I have to like surprise her somehow And now since we've been married For a few years it's like

I'll still do that stuff But it's not as You know we have life to deal with Like I gotta go to work You guys are contractually obligated To stay together at this point Right, yeah

You have no real incentive To like Exactly, yeah, yeah, exactly In the beginning You have a tabloid agreement From the son That's what marriage is? Contract?

Yeah, yeah, yeah It's a contract Cool! I'll do that That's what love is Well it's like In the beginning relationship Like you know what's it called

With like a little The beginning of a fire Where you're like Blowing on it Spark? No, not a spark Tinder? Yeah, tinder

It's just like You're blowing on like This little piece of like Cold that's like Trying to sustain this thing And then by the time you're married It's like a full going fire You're like

Oh, I mean this thing Will keep burning on by itself I don't need one of those I don't need one of those Accordian billows things Would put it the opposite Of how you put it Where it starts

It's a raging inferno And then it Cools down to a nice Glowing ember That's comforting And warm Yeah, I guess that's true too It doesn't make you all hot and sweaty

Right You know what it is Like I would never So since like I get time away from Vanessa And we spend time away It sucks and I miss her But I would never ever

Then come home And be like Hey, I'm going on vacation With my boys Right For a week Like You can't do that anymore

Yeah, like when you can Go away together or whatever You have to do it And you should want to do it And if you don't want to That's what Well, what if your life Was the opposite

What if you were in New York All the time You never traveled And then you had an opportunity To go on vacation without her I think it's totally fine To spend time apart Like you need time away

From each other You do After like three months Like you said You need to start being like Alright, I'm going to Just like go away for the weekend With my friends

And like I'll see you after Right That's like what keeps you sane But to go away for a whole summer Is That's a lot That's a big one Yeah

So why don't we tell her this She's not a dick For wanting to go away But maybe this girlfriend Can come for only part of the time Ooh And you justify that By telling her like

Oh, I like just being by myself Not without you Just by myself For part of it So why don't you come for part of it And then I'm alone for part of it Especially because What the fuck is that girl going to do

All summer While her girlfriend is chilling in A fish processing plant Right Guttin' salmon Sockeye We're talking I guess it's beautiful

You're going high Line cut Line cut Sockeye This sounds kind of dope I would like to go to Alaska for the summer You can go Work on one of those crab boats Like on Deadliest Catch

I wouldn't mind doing that I would get like ripped forearms Such a better life here I mean like I really can't stress that enough But my forearms would be jacked Your forearms are already jacked By the way

I wish everyone could see them I mean my god We have to do another video episode Those are just God damn look at those Those are his tins Are you Is that the Wolverine

Nope I feel like I'm watching a Wolverine trailer In HD Really? Yeah those forearms look so defined It's like the definition It's like a dictionary I don't even know

Because I live with them every day Yeah you just get used to it Yeah Wow That's funny I don't see them grow Because I see them every day Yeah

They're like They're just part of me now I guess It's just me Alright Should we take a little breaky break A little breather Just let's calm down Time

Things are getting a little steamy In there and I'm sorry It was It was heat It was hot It was pure heat Hot hot heat Any funny stories from the tour?

Karaoke night Yes Oh after San Francisco This tour was way more tame Right But you still got very drunk It was short Yeah

During the last night I got Completely shit faced Because they were We were like We were drinking whiskey backstage Yeah Then I was drinking vodka redbull backstage You didn't finish yours

So I drank yours Yeah And then during the line They just kept on like When people were like coming up to meet us They just kept on putting shots of whiskey Oh yeah Shots of whiskey

That's why that happened And that's the last Oh I traded shirts with a random dude Oh yeah you stole some Teenager's shirt Yeah It's a dope shirt I actually gave them a really dope shirt though

So I'm kind of I'm kind of bummed But Forgot about that Then the next memory And oh wait I have two memories after that One is watching you guys sing karaoke Right

Yeah yeah yeah You two were singing Shaggy My Angel Just Angel Oh yeah sorry Yeah don't Wow justify it with a my You don't have to qualify

You guys were It was a completely dead karaoke bar Yeah it was There's no worse feeling than being drunk And it's like Sunday night at 11.30 Yeah Why isn't everyone as drunk and crazy as me I just want to like go to a crowded place

And yell at strangers There was just four old people Not having that song We but we lit that place up I actually have a video of it Do you really? Yes I have a video of it too From a phone number that I don't know

You know who it was It was Garrett No Garrett B Oh You took video of it Yeah Oh dope I want to watch that video

You just wander through it It's funny your head just like floats in I also took After that we went to a diner Wait do you remember the next The guy who went after us Oh yeah he was great too Yeah what did he say

What did he say a queen song You were a great one Yeah He sang a Oh yeah he sang Somebody to love Yeah which is like karaoke Like degree of difficulty 9.5 out of 10

And he killed it Yeah Slate It's hard to do Freddie Mercury Who would have thought Somebody would do a good Freddie Mercury Sing queen

Who would have thought Then we went to a diner Because it was the only place That was open past midnight on a Sunday And I took a great photo of you Looking miserable You turned so quickly I was really happy for a while

And then in that diner I ordered Like I ordered Biscuits and gravy While we were waiting for I went to the bathroom for 15 minutes And puked my brains out Came back Fell asleep over your food

Fell asleep over my food But I also I think I housed it It was pretty good Yeah Did we go Did we all go home together Yeah we all slept

With each other that night Yeah Oh wow We had a loving party We slept with Dave that night Did you We were coming back We took that weird little hotel

At our weird little hotel Oh yeah We mean you went Because we mean Streeter on one floor And you and Dave were on another Yeah we were walking to the room And I was just like

Do you want to sleep in my bed And I was like Really? Yeah And he was like We just We slept together all night It was beautiful

That was a bad hotel Should we put a hotel on blast That was the worst A hotel A hotel blast That hotel Sucked It was really gross

Sucked It was very gross Hotel Union Square Put them out there on blast now I felt bad But you know what Yeah The people worked there were nice

Yeah the people worked there We're not knocking them They were great Don't stay there It's a tenement building Yeah it looked like Everybody moved there In like the 70s

Like when they first get to San Francisco They get off the bus And get a room for like $45 Now we're sounding like assholes We're like We got to stay in a hotel For free on our tour

It was dirty It was bad It just looked like It should be really nice I think that's what made me so mad Because it like Looked really nice The lobby looked awesome

And I was like Oh boy This is a fan And then you get in the room And you're like Oh it's the size of a closet And there's rats living here And then a building caught

A fire right next door Oh yeah You texted us You were like Bomb Or fire I thought Just say fire

You can't assume bomb I heard an explosion And I saw smoke Fillowing up You heard an explosion Maybe it was like A car screeching to a halt Dude you said bomb

And I swear to God I thought it was like 9-11 I thought Well that's what it looked like It looked like giant Plumes of smoke Right next to our hotel

And people were like Scrambling in the streets Yeah that's true But like Fucking It really makes me Feel like we're under attack It was very scary

I always go for the worst That way if it's not a bomb You're relieved I think it was a grease fire At a burger king Yeah within like 50 minutes Sorry a burger king

Everything was back to normal You know what it was Somebody didn't get cheese On his hand I went Yeah Hey where were you During that street

Don't worry about it You were so pissed That smoke came out of your ears And that was a fire You never thought It was a whopper Oh I also wanted to mention Our live podcast

On May 31st 8pm at the Hollywood Improv Tickets still available Please come We're thinking of getting Some cool special guests It's not me That's all we'll say

It's not me You won't be here on May 31st I don't think so You should just move to LA already Yeah It's getting kind of annoying Love to Although I would say

We probably see you more often That you visit Because if you lived here We could like We would be like more casual With how often we saw you And now that you're You're staying with us

Every other week We'd break plans a lot Yeah We'd be like That's cool You know what You know what I'm just like

Nah I've had a long day Yeah I'm busy Can we push it to 8? Like actually You know what I don't even think I can make it

Oh cool You see that traffic And then both of us are just Like happy Sitting on our couch Not seeing each other That's the best Malaney joke

Like the most Real John Malaney Joke Is that it's so easy Not to see Yeah He was like Canceling plans is like

He was like Gratification Canceling plans is like Heroin That's funny We had a meeting Canceled yesterday We were really happy

Yeah Just like a two hour Obligation Less opportunity Yeah It's a meeting with like A producer who we should Of course be like

Excited to see We should be researching His films We should be like Brainstorm and ideas We should be in there Pitching ourselves And instead it's like

We didn't do Jack's Shit Meeting Morning of They're like Yeah We didn't record a podcast We didn't write anything

We just You got lunch with your friend Yeah With Mike Carnell We had a day off Actually I think we deserved it Because we had a half day on Monday

Yeah And it wiped us And you have a life off Yeah Last week in In San Francisco We didn't do anything Yeah

So that was good We're back from vacation And now we're sort of In a different home vacation We're in the transition You're in a staycation We're used to not doing anything Far away from home

So now we're not going to do Anything at home What did you say recently You're like most people have Time off Or their work And time off Oh yeah

And then In there like a third layer Of like Extra time off Or something And we only have time off We only have vacation It's leisure time

It's like Work It's work time Like personal hobby time And then leisure time Right And all we have Is hobby time

And leisure time Right We don't have work time Yeah We only have two times But most people have 40 hour work week And then in their spare time

They do something still like Yeah they do something They're passionate about Yeah But it's still work I'm going to do woodworking Your rock climbing Would be

Their free time Right So instead we have A third layer of time Which is just boredom Which I deal with All the time now Yeah it's absolutely

Nothing time How can you be bored Well it's hobby time You're a writer Hobby time writing And then leisure time Climbing in TV And then like

I have all this other time That normally other people Would be using for their hobbies And their leisure Right But my leisure is already done And my hobby is already done You should get a

Yeah by night time I'm leisureed out Yeah so then I just You could be Got a landscaper dude Landscaper You got this big old yard here You can do some

Skipping out there That would be cool I would totally be down for that But I don't own this place Look at those plums dude They're all dead You gotta Take care of that shit

There's a trout man I can't take care of the earth Alright let's get to the last question We're already running Seriously over I'm such a chatterbox I'm sorry People love that shit

They love it Alright one last question Give the people what they want Give the people what they want Give the people what they Didn't ask for Ooh what a girl Okay that's

Female character Great news Trophy wife has One grown male character So we got plenty of female options Let's go with Meg Meg writes Here's my situation

I a 20 year old lady Have recently broken things off With a 27 year old guy Who I was only casually dating For about five months It turned out that he didn't Want a serious relationship And I told him that

If that was the case Then I couldn't stay around Fast forward to about three weeks And here I am Missing both his company And the sex We've talked maybe once Since we ended things

But I've been debating Whether or not to try To talk him into dating me again However I'm worried that since He hasn't really reached out To me much That he's lost any

And all interest in me So what do you guys think I should do Should I reach out Or just leave him be I would love to hear your opinion Since he's closer To your guys' age

Thanks, Meg Oh, Meg Meg's 20 Meg would like to renege Poor little Meg Poor little Meg And then her boyfriend Is 27 or 26

27 They'll do what you was fucking Casually Yeah Oh, it's just a cash Yeah, well he was like I wanted to be casual And she's like

Well, if you're not going to Treat me seriously I'm going to leave And he's like All right, bye And then three weeks later She's like I'm going to just fuck you

Okay, baby This is an ultimatum You got to be serious About me Or we're not having sex anymore All right, we're not going to Have sex anymore Okay

Wait Wait What Who are you Who are you Well, I've already found Two other 20-year-olds to fuck Date me

No I already said no to that It's been three weeks And I'm considering Asking him to date me again Yeah, you're already Asking him to date you Don't

I don't think She gets what she wants Yeah And neither No matter what happens She doesn't get what she wants No, you don't Stick to your guns

Exactly And then at least At the very least You will have your self-respect Because he is Honey He's a dickweed Okay

Let me tell you, sister He is a dickweed You could do so much better than him I don't necessarily think That he's a dickweed But he doesn't want anything serious He told you And you said

If that's the case Then I can't be with you And then you left And that's it That's really it But now she's like Oh, maybe we can She told her the truth

Yeah, he was like Look, I can't give you What you want So I'm not going to waste your time And she's not saying She wants to Just fuck She's saying I'm missing him

And I'm considering Asking him to date me again That's what you Like, you can't go You He just didn't talk to you For three weeks You can't just go back

And be like Hey, I actually was really serious About that offer Of dating seriously Right You can't do that It's over It's over

Yeah, I think it's over I mean, she can try If she's really broken up About it She's no harm in trying Sounds like she just misses Boning No, she doesn't

She's going to miss You're going to go back And start boning And you just get attached And you're going to feel bad And then he's going to be like I get everything I want I told her I wanted to be casual

And you're like back there Being like, oh, faux casual Like, oh, this is so cool And whatever I don't care Can I see you tonight? Like, no, I'm busy Oh, yeah, fine

I'll do my thing Who are you fucking? If it isn't me, then who? I thought you'd been through this You're this 27-year-old You're the guy Yes, and don't give me what I want But it's working

What he's doing is working Of course it's working But you have to, as hard as it is Make it not work Break the system You can beat me I can be vanquished I'm giving you the fucking road map

And maybe he'll reach out to you one day What if he reaches out to you And he's like, hey, can we just have One casual night? You think she should say no? Say no Definitely say no Of course not

You think she's going to, though? No Yeah, what's that metaphor? Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Yeah Why buy the milk when you get the cow for free? Why drink the cow when you buy the milk for free? You can take a good look at it

My own cow milk By sticking your head up a steak's ass But I'd rather take the cow's worth for it I want to... In my head, I imagine this dude As this nice understanding guy Who's like, you know what? Like, I can't make that commitment

And like, I want you to... You know, I don't want me to stop you From meeting some great guy But like, you know in reality This guy's like a hyper douche He's just like, whatever I definitely found another fucking 20-year-old to fuck

So I don't even need you Like, that's who he really is The guy that doesn't talk with his mouth closed I can't close my mouth I can't close my fucking mouth And I don't care Why is it easier for a 27-year-old To get 20-year-olds than a 20-year-old

To get 20-year-old? It's almost like age compensates For attractiveness It's weird because you can't As the male in this scenario It seems like this great deal But like, you can't be a 25-year-old Guy going out with a 19-year-old girl

Like, that would suck the worst For who? For you! So you're saying the 19-year-old It would suck the data 19-year-old? Yeah, I think it would But it would not suck Yeah, me too

But I think girls that age are attracted to older guys Girls are attracted to older dudes Yeah But then I find like, I don't know When you've hung out with younger girls Aren't you like, oh god, it's so annoying I guess it depends on the girl But yeah, in general

I guess it's better to date someone who's more mature But what about if you're just interested in boning? Well, girls are more mature It doesn't matter Yeah Do you subscribe to the Divide Your Age by 2 plus 7 thing? Like, is 27 and 22, is that too young? I would say it would be a little

That like, it would just be weird Because when you're 27, you're in such a different stage in your life Yeah You know I'm 31 and I have to sort of decide When to cut the age limit off I would cut yourself off at 27 27, that's high

Maybe 26 You think if I slept with or dated a 25-year-old, that would be weird? No, I think it would be maybe weird if you dated one for a long time A 25-year-old? I don't remember I feel like if you're out of college, I think 24 That way you're at least out of college for a couple years I forget the year that my brain turned into an adult brain

But girls are so different There are girls that are mature at like, 20 and 21, 22 Definitely more mature than I am Yeah Sir And that is why you're on her I feel that This is me, this is me like, talking with my hands up

And as a dude, some dad's putting a shotgun at me She told me she was 16, your honor That's still too young Is it? Oh Christ I just thought it was hot Yeah Can I suggest masturbating to this girl?

That way she's at least having an orgasm and she'll desire him less Or just like, go out with me Or does that not work for girls? I don't know, that's a weird thing, right? I think that's only a guy thing Yeah, I think it is When a guy climaxes, he's like, oh, I don't need sex for the next half hour Yeah, he's like, oh, my brain will work for one and a half hour

But when a girl orgasms, she might just want another one right away Yeah, because they can just keep going It seems like it makes them more awake and guys more tired Thoughts? I would agree, 100% Okay, so take that away, don't masturbate That's what it is Remove celibate

Just go out, find another dude that's gonna treat you better Yeah, do what you need to do, there's so many Do a 20 year old guy a favor and go do a 20 year old guy Just don't be with anybody that stresses you out That's the rule Also, this guy, whether he sucks or not, he sucks for you And fucking meet somebody else Yeah, the best way to get over someone is to find a new person

Boom Yeah And Amir is Single and ready to tingle, I'm actually 27 years old No 27, I'll straight take you to heaven 27 and 48 months Alright, that's it, we went long

But you know what, that's gonna happen sometimes Thank you, Streeter Thanks for having me, guys Do you want to plug anything? I got nothing to plug What about your TV show? Well, I guess, oh, when's this come out tomorrow? Yeah, Thursday

I guess watch the, yeah, the season finale A trophy wife If 20 million people watch it, they'll probably bring back You know what, I think the call will already be made by that point But, yeah, hopefully there's another season I have a job, I can move out here, live with you guys And thanks to Colin and, what was his name? Corey

Corey and Colin for submitting that theme song If you have a theme song of your own, or a question of your own Send it to ifiroyoushowatgmail.com Where you're just gonna start and end every episode with a Completely new original theme song And this last one at the end of this episode Was written by Rudy Rudy, I guess it's an adventure time parody, so, yeah

Thanks for listening, everybody We'll be back on Monday Peace