If I Were You - 77: Holistic Vet

Episode Date: May 5, 2025

In this episode we discuss professional vets, amateur scalpers, and play another rousing edition of Maine Trail.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. Yeah! Now let's meet you two pathetic hoes. Seconds. Yeah. What is that hat? Tell me everything. It's just a hat. All right, that's cool. Okay, this is segments podcast about segments.

We're gonna be switching off. Yeah, it's a pointed white hood. What's your issue? I was gonna let it slide because this is an audio only episode. That's right. Which is becoming more and more rare. I mean, so many people rely on YouTube to watch podcasts.

Like old school podcast listeners, they wouldn't dare watch the podcast. It was audio only, on the go. That's the whole point. Yeah, in your car. It had to be in your car. Washing a dish. Yeah.

I've actually only recently started listening to podcasts when I'm like doing chores. And it is pretty good. It's pretty good. What were you doing before when doing chores? Just raw dogging it, you know. Just fucking having my thoughts. I think that's, I think there is,

there is something to that. Our society. It's good if you're like me and like, your thoughts are kind of funny, like this podcast. Yes, right. But imagine if you're a fucking zero. But imagine if you're a fucking zero. Hanging, hanging baby bibs just dying of laughter. Yeah. Have you ever thought,

I think I brought this up on the show once before, but like a bachelor party of unfunny people, would a week go by and no jokes or laughter be made? Or like, does everybody make jokes and the jokes are just less funny? Yeah. I think it's, I think it's that. I think everybody cuts loose and they have a good time and they laugh but not at things

that we would necessarily laugh at. I need to see a documentary about six to eight unfunny dudes on a bachelor party. Yeah, that'd be kind of fun. Not like unfunny like I'm gonna make jokes but they're not funny. Like the guys that don't even make jokes. Right, just like quiet gentlemen.

Quiet gentlemen on a bachelor party. There's a world where they just talk about important stuff for family updates and they don't make a joke. I could see that. Sounds nice. Sounds awesome, then there's no fucking pressure. Whenever I do things with you, we're just like, it's a competition.

Do you remember that college humor trip where there was like the joke bell? Yeah, you got to ring it if you had the joke of the day or the best joke of the fucking time. It's like, you have to always be on. It's like a fucking 72 hour improv show. And it like ruined everyone's trip. Like, can't we just talk about other shit?

Why do we always have to do games? Why are we always trying to one up each other? Why are we always trying to compete with laughs? Yeah, exactly. We're not always on a podcast. I mean, we are on a podcast now, obviously. Right. And we're usually on a podcast. Now we have to be funny, of course.

In a given week, we're usually on a podcast. Wouldn't you say? Yeah, at least one, if not four podcasts. And then our text message thread is just spilling littered with smut. It's disgusting. It's shit that we wouldn't dare say online. If anybody ever leaks my conversation

with literally anybody, I would be gone out of the fucking business. It's beyond cancelable. It's deportation style. It's illegal at best and evil at worst. Yeah, how was your weekend? It's Monday. Oh, I had like this kind of random ass vet appointment

that I thought we should talk about because while not funny, it was pretty fucking illuminating, intriguing, interesting and unique. Really? Yeah. Did you bring your dog or you brought your wife? I'm just kidding. So yeah, Luke and Avital were coming with me.

It was the three of us. Yeah, sorry, yeah. No, I was making like a really off color, off kilter joke, like Avital is a dog, but I don't actually think that at all. So make sure that we were attacking the problems together as loopy ages into senior ship that we are sort of co-parenting in a way to make sure that not all of the others falls on.

I didn't mean anything by what I said, by the way. I was just a casual aside, kind of like a dad joke that others might make. It was more a commentary on society than a commentary. You were holding up a mirror, AKA me, to society. So you go to the vet. Right, so the backstory is, I think, again, probably talked about this on the show,

a year ago, it's been a year since I had to come back home from London on that trip because Luke was having seizures. That's right. Thankfully, he's been on seizure medication since then and has been seizure free for the last year. Okay. And when he was first having seizures, the neurologist is like, you know, you can get an MRI done, which costs $5,000.

And we can tell exactly if he has a brain tumor or it's something else. And we're like, okay, but if the medicine's the same, either way, let's just not give you $5,000. We'll treat the seizures and then hopefully it's not a brain tumor. And we'll know if it's a brain tumor, if it continues to get worse and he dies,

but he didn't die. So the issue now is the medication is making him excessively hungry and thirsty, which includes waking up in the middle of the night. And he's like, give me breakfast. I'm down to eat. And you're like, it's 3 a.m. That was happening earlier too. And then it stopped.

I remember that happened when you first put him on the medication. Yeah. When we first brought him back from the ICU, when he was like on death's door, he was like hungry, not even sleeping, like cracked out all night long, like just like really brain swelling, like not himself at all. Wow. And he's been sort of normalizing himself to the medication to the point where now he like every three to four hours he wakes up and wants food,

but it's still in the middle of the night, not ideal. But again, he's almost 14. So it's like, we don't know how much of the stuff is just dogs aging versus the seizures versus the side effects. So Avital has been volunteering at a shelter, shout out to her. And one of the ladies who works there is like,

oh, you should talk to my friend who has experience in like supplements and like kind of like Eastern medicine for dogs to help them get on a more natural like sleep and health schedule. A homeopathic. Exactly, I'm like, okay, great. We've talked to the neurologist, like the dog seizure brain specialist at the vet. Let's see what this guy who's a little more

unorthodox has to say. So we bring him in to this supplement store that he runs. I won't say the name because, you know, we don't want to give him any free, um, cred unless it actually works. Then I'll tell you exactly where we went. Good. went. And we sit with him in his back office and he's this 50 year old man. And he's like, so tell me everything your dog's on. Tell me his medication, tell me his medication of history. And I'll recommend the supplements and the diet that he should be on. A lot of it is food based, much like people. Right.

So we tell him it's been a year since his seizures and he's on this medication that makes him very hungry and thirsty and he's waking up throughout the night expecting food and like whining, whining for food. And he's like, have you guys been giving him flea medications like for itchiness? And we're like, yeah, every like three months we give him Brevecto, which helps, you know, fleas.

And he's like, did the neurologist tell you that that's why he had his seizures? And we're like, like that obviously plain spoken, like, by the way, did you tell you that, that that's why he had a seizure? Yeah, I bet he knew she didn't. No, is that, why do you think that is why? She said it might be a brain tumor.

He's like, no, it's not a brain tumor. It's from the brvecto. And we're like, okay, why do you think that it's, I'm happy that you think that because he doesn't have a brain tumor, but why do you think that? And he said, that's the way this, these flu medications work. They give the dog a poison, a toxin in their body, and sometimes it rejects it and gives them seizures. And sometimes a flea bites them and the flea will get a seizure, like get like a neurological disorder. And that's how these things work.

You're not supposed to give your dogs that. What? I'm like, okay, is that like every dog gets a seizure from recto? Cause that would be like a big deal and I know you're lying. He's like, no, it's not every dog, but it's a pretty well-known side effect.

You can look it up. People have sued this medication. Huh, yeah. You're supposed to treat it with fucking natural this, that and the other. Did you look it up? And was it, was it in fact, had people sued Brevecto? Yeah, well there were issues with side effects just like every medication, you know, could cause seizures, could cause nausea, could cause diarrhea, whatever.

Right. So he's like, I'm surprised your vet didn't tell you that. He doesn't need to be on seizure medication anymore. I'm like, okay, that's a big leap. I mean, that sounds good, but it also could be the tumor. But what if you're wrong? Right. So now you do have to pay that $5,000.

It is working. Yeah, well, I don't have to give him five, I don't have to get the MRI. I sort of believe the tumor thing that he doesn't have one because it would be growing still and he would be like much in deteriorating condition. That's true. But I'm not ready to just be like, all right,

it's kind of like, you're doing well, so just get off antidepressants and you'll be fine. I don't know if it's like a forever problem solved situation. And he didn't wanna fully recommend it because I think he's gotten in trouble before of like saying like, get off your seizure medication when it's acts like you know it's like don't take chemotherapy just have an onion a day and that'll fix you. So he's like you should talk to your neurologist about it let her know you haven't had any seizures in this long

and like see if she could want to come down on the medication but until then try this this this this this to like help regulate his brain and his breathing and his thinking and his diet. Wow. Wait, what are the things that you can try to regulate his brain? Like adrenal support, which is like this calming, like a melatonin thing before bed

or like something in the AM to give him energy during the day so he doesn't sleep all day. Like an AG1. Yes, exactly. And also he's like, don't give your dog kibble. We showed him the food. He's like, that's the worst thing for him. That's the worst thing you can give him.

Really? Yeah. He's like, you have to like, for the first few weeks, make like boil like turkey breast or chicken breast and give them like carrots and turkey, just like natural like whole foods to like, you know, like get all the gluten and like the, the kibble toxins out of his system.

And he has like a new flea medication coming. I'd be like, do not give him that for sure. I'm like, wow, good thing I talked to you before next week. Otherwise I would have given him another three months of poison in his body, according to you. Right. So we want to believe this guy, but we just don't know yet.

Are there other medicines for fleas? I don't think I give my dog flea medicine. Yeah, there's, you know, there's natural ways where it's like you deal with it when he gets fleas. Is that the same or is that different? Is this an LA thing? I don't know. I think you can give your dog flea medication. Sometimes it's like a shampoo. Sometimes you wait until he gets fleas and then you give him stuff. Sometimes you can give him like an injection. So why give him the flea medication at all?

To prevent future infestations, I think. I don't know enough about this stuff. Right. Maybe it's like as your dog gets older. Like, do you ever give your dog like an injection for like to help stop itching? Yeah, he's got allergies. Many doodles do apparently, so he gets a shot.

So in theory, you're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to treat it naturally to his skin. He's like, let me smell his belly. We lifted Luke up and he's like, yeah, he's got yeast growing, you can smell it. I would put this, this and this on it. Coconut oil and all this natural stuff versus the, it reminded me a lot of like human stuff

where it's like we're treating the symptoms but not the underlying conditions. When he was speaking with such authority that it was so funny to hear and be like, did she tell you that you got the seizures from something else or did she continue to lie to you and say the tumor thing? You didn't look at a single thing.

I don't need no lie, I am the MRI. Yeah, I'm like, should we have gotten the MRI? He's like, no, why? give him $5,000 so that they can shoot radiation at his brain. I'm telling you right now, he doesn't have a tumor. I'm like, okay, sorry. It's awesome. It's awesome. I want this guy to smell my dog. I want this guy to smell me. He was so confident and I'm like, yeah, I guess, you know, scam artists are also really confident. Confident is sort of half the battle, but it feels good to hear the confidence.

Now we have to confirm his confidence, which we haven't done yet. Well, everybody, it does seem like everyone is confident. We brought Dingo to the vet this past week because he had like an infection in his eye. And they were like, well, we have to do a test to see if he scratched his cornea. And we're like, well, we have to do a test to see if he scratched his cornea. And we're like, it doesn't, like he didn't.

You can see that it's like not that, right? But they're like- We wanna confirm. I think there's like, there's confidence and then there's also what the vets like to do, which is kind of like overwhelm you with information of things that it could be. So they could do like four different hundred dollar tests.

They really loved that. They love the tests because one, it keeps their businesses alive. And two, it does actually give them information. So it's like, it's sort of a half scam situation. Yeah, yeah. You don't need to do it. You should get an MRI to see if he has a tumor, right?

Yeah. I guess, but I don't have to give me $5,000. If the medicine's the same. And then also maybe I'll give my dog eye medicine and if it doesn't get better, then I'll know it's a cornea thing. Right, exactly. But then you also look at your dog's eye

and you're like, oh, it's red, I guess fine. Go do whatever you need. Yeah, half of you wants to just spend, throw as much money at it to get as much information as possible, and half of you are like, do I have to do this? Also, he wouldn't like to get an MRI. He wouldn't like to get like the cornea test.

So like you have to do right by your pet by sometimes not spending the money. Yeah, and you know, we also like gave our dog, like when he was a younger puppy, we like did that like home cooked meals and stuff and it didn't work for him. Like he had diarrhea all the time. And then we gave him the dry food

and he's just like perfectly regular and everything seems fine. So that seems better. It seems like the proof is the pudding shaped shit. Sometimes Luke will get diarrhea and they tell you to put them on the boiled chicken, rice, whatever diet. Yeah, and they tell you to put them on the boiled chicken rice whatever diet. Yeah, yeah, they had us put them on the boiled chicken

and rice diet for a long time and then we found out that he's allergic to chicken. So they never really know what they're doing. You gotta go just based on. Because every dog is different. Yeah, you gotta go based on what you can see and smell if you sniff their belly. I mean, it's kinda like your back issue.

Like every person you see is like, don't listen to those guys. This is what you should do. Yeah, I have the solution. Actually, they will say that, but that's only because that you should do this. And I guess if it's similar to that, then the truth is usually like a mix of everything.

Like everyone has a point, but everyone that has a point is a specialist in their point. So they think you need to do just their thing. Right, and also I'm sure all back issues are different. Like sometimes it's an injury, sometimes it's like a chronic issue, sometimes it's from something else entirely.

Right, and sometimes you heard it doing something else, but the cure isn't fixing the other thing. It's like a brand new issue that's arisen. Right, sometimes you can just take Advil for the pain and sometimes it's like, no, that's just masking the pain. I want to feel the pain so I know where to heal. Yeah. Well, the solution for everything is Pilates, dogs included.

Yeah. So we threw Luke into a Pilates class and he can only do downward dog now. That's good. That's really good. Downward dog is more of a yoga thing. Pilates is. Well, it actually is you do a downward dog. Yeah, no, you could do a down dog.

You could do that. I'll let that pass. Clearly not. Cause you brought it up. You've you screeched the conversation to a halt. Okay, that was the story about the naturopath who has been treating Luke with supplements. I'll keep you guys posted to see if that even works just in case anyone out there is suffering

from the same fate. Yeah, yeah, I'm definitely curious. Tell them I said get well. Here's another small story that's kind of funny and kind of be messing up. The NBA playoffs are happening right now. Oh, yeah. So the Clippers and Nuggets series is happening in LA and Denver. And before the series started, I bought tickets to game six, thinking that it

will be a very long, dramatic series. And I can sell the tickets if I don't want to go at a huge profit because the tickets were still very cheap at the time. They were like $50 each. I see. The series is heating up. The games are getting longer. Buzzer beaters. It's now tied two to two at the time of recording. The series will be over by the time you hear this, but game

six is definitely going to happen. And I went to sell my tickets and they're like, actually you bought very specific tickets in a section of the arena called the wall. And the wall is like a very VIP section behind the basket because we're trying to convince the only the super fans to sit there and root for the Clippers very loudly you cannot sell your tickets because they're in the wall Wow also I'm gonna be in Palm Springs for game six so I bought four tickets the wall cannot attend a whole wall in a section I cannot sell. So I don't know what to do with these four tickets

that I still have. Oh wow, and you can't give them away on this podcast because it will be over by the time people hear it. That's correct, and because it's the Clippers, the entire ticketing system is baked into their shitty app that you have to get. I can't just copy and paste the tickets. I have to get your phone number and you have to get the app can't just copy and paste the tickets. I have to get your phone number

and you have to get the app and I have to transfer it to you. So if I did wanna give these tickets away, potentially sell these tickets, I can't do it on SeatGeek, I can't do it on Ticketmaster, I can't do it on Stubbub. I have to meet you in person

and figure out a way to like, for you to trust me to give you these tickets to transfer ownership from one person to another. I don't think you could do it. You should be able to do that on Instagram. Yeah, Instagram or actually I posted, there was like this thing on their subreddit of like people looking for tickets.

And some guys like, oh, I'm looking for tickets for game six. And I replied, I'm like, oh, I have four, like private message me if you're interested. And all the responses are like, holy shit, the King Dork speaks. Cause it's my Reddit name is imamirbloominvilt. That's really funny.

No one's gonna take you seriously. No, nor should they, nor do I want. Oh, the prank war guy wants to sell me some tickets to a basketball game? Yeah, I don't think so, pal. Yeah, so that sort of backfired, as it were. Unless you're listening to this, in the past,

send me an Instagram DM. I guess the one- Yeah, maybe I can sell to a stranger. Like the silver lining to it is that you hate the Clippers and there will be four empty seats in this wall of support. So maybe the Nuggets will like make a few more free throws because they'll have like an anchor that they can look at these empty seats.

I'm gonna help the Nuggets win. Honestly when I was shooting the free throws right behind the backboard I saw such calm and serenity that I was able to sink the game winning free throws. Thank you row three seats section the wall 21. I mean it does sound like you're pretty good seats in the wall isn't it right behind the free throw line? I, it does sound like you're pretty good seats in the wall. Is it right behind the free throw line? I thought it was right behind the free throw line. These are upper section, like off to the right. I don't understand why this is still considered the wall. I think this is just the way to get me to not be able to sell my tickets.

Yeah, not like the first 15 rows behind the basket. I could see that. Oh, all right. Those are my stories. Good stories. Let's take a break and come back after these messages. Right on. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Ooh, one of your favorites.

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Welcome to a segment I'm calling, Guess-a-Pies. That's right. I have a recipe for a dish and I'm gonna have Amir guess how to make it. Is that interesting? A recipe for a dish and you're gonna, I'm gonna guess how to make it? Yeah that interesting? A recipe for a dish and you're gonna, I'm gonna guess how to make it? Yeah, so basically-

Oh, so you're just gonna give me the title. Yeah, I'll tell you the food that you're cooking and you'll tell me how you would cook it in your kitchen. Okay, then maybe we should try the opposite where you tell me what the instructions are and I have to guess what the heck you're making. Oh, that's a good idea. Okay. Okay, so let's kick us off. I'm gonna need you to make me a

shepherd's pie. Where are you going? What are you doing? How are you preparing this delicious hearty meal? I guess not unlike the food I have to now give my dog. I'm going to make sauteed beef with peas and carrots. That sounds delicious. But then instead of just putting it into a bowl, I'm going to also make mashed potatoes and dump the beef, peas and carrots into a ramekin or a crock pot of sorts. Can we hit pause here? How are you gonna saute the beef? What are you, are you using any spices? Onions and garlic in olive oil at first. The aromatics of course until they're brown. Then I'll add the beef. Then when I add the beef,

I'm gonna wait until that's brown, stirring, occasionally adding steamed peas and maybe yes steamed carrots. You're gonna steam them? You're not gonna just toss the frozen vegetables in? You're just gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna separately steam them? That sounds amazing. That's right. Yeah, that way they don't get too bogged down in the juices. And then once that's all together now, I'll add the mashed potatoes that I also have to make by boiling potatoes that are peeled and adding milk or cream or fucking chives or some shit and mashing it with butter until it's nice and soft. Then I add that to the fucking concoction with the beef and then I put the entire bitch in the oven. Whoa. So it's baked twice and all that work gets me a fucking bowl of food that I could have ordered for $14 from an Irish pub, not too far from me.

You really, you did pretty well. You really nailed it. Really? Yeah. I might be Scottish. I really think so. All right. I'm going to give you the recipe for the next dish and you'll, you'll guess it. Okay.

Okay. Should I cut you off or? Oh yeah, that's a good idea. And then I'll pull up some other other dishes after this. Okay. Tell me when you've got it. 15 ounces ricotta cheese. Oh, that's a good idea. And then I'll pull up some other dishes after this. Okay, tell me when you've got it. 15 ounces ricotta cheese.

Oh, you're making a cheesecake or like a cheese larange, which is like a cheese orange with like a chicken underneath it. Ding, ding, ding, cheese larange. That is correct. Really? I made that up. Holy shit. One large egg.

A single egg and 15 ounces of cheese? Two cups cheese, one large eggs. One large egg. Then two cups mozzarella cheese. That's too much cheese. You're making your fucking- I am not even close to done. Three quarters cup Parmesan cheese, freshly grated.

It's all cheese is what you're making. You're making cheese. I have two cups ricotta. There just happens to be an egg in it. Two cups mozzarella and three quarters cup Parmesan. Two seasons, two teaspoons, excuse me. Two seasons of Melrose Place. Two teaspoons of Italian dressing.

Italiano dressing. What is Italian dressing? Actually it says seasoning. Anyway, half teaspoon salt, quarter teaspoon pepper. And that is that step one. Any guesses for this cheesy concoction? I don't want to eat this. It's way too cheesy.

One tablespoon olive oil. That's not enough. One yellow onion. All due? Let me finish. One yellow onion. French onion soup. No, no.

And I urge you not to guess it. You're gonna be this far off. So far all it is is five cheeses that have melted with an onion and an egg. And an Italian seasoning. Yeah, that's nothing. One tablespoon olive oil. One yellow onion and an egg. And an Italian seasoning. Yeah, that's nothing. One tablespoon olive oil, one yellow onion, finally diced, three quarters pound ground beef.

That's right. Is this the Shepherd's pie again? No, it's not. It's not even close. So much beef and so much, oh, is this a cheesesteak? Not a cheesesteak, no. And I really want you to stop guessing incorrectly. Three quarters pound Italian sausage.

Okay, that is beef and sausage. Pound and a half of meat. Three cloves garlic, and you better believe that it's minced. And then if we haven't killed enough animals, I'm gonna need half a cup of chicken broth. Well, that's too much shit. And it's not a soup, it's not a stew. Is it a stew?

It is, no, it's not a stew, it's solid. 40 ounces marinara sauce. We're getting closer. So a shit ton of tomato sauce, a whole litany of different meats and also cheeses. A lot of cheeses, yeah. Some sort of chicken parm or something. Tomato paste, one teaspoon hot sauce.

That's good. One teaspoon Worcestershire sauce. And then I think the next one might give it away. 12 lasagna noodles. Lasagna. Correct. Ding, ding, ding. He got it. that is correct that was for lasagna

have you ever made a lasagna from scratch is there something harder to make and easier to buy than a lasagna I never I wouldn't have ever known that it would be that well I guess that it's a lot of like dicing and stuff, but once you've, once you put it in, it seems pretty solid, you know, you're just making it. Yeah. But you have to fucking prep six to eight hours worth of meats and cheeses to make lasagna. No, it does seem, it seems kind of tough.

Like I would probably just be like, Hey, we're just gonna have like spaghetti and meat sauce before lasagna because you have to make the noodles. That takes eight minutes to make and you can, it all looks the same when you're fucking sitting on a toilet. I mean, thank you, grandma Nona, but I would rather have a bolognese and then take a diarrhea. I'd love to meet your grandparents if at all possible for a Friday night meal.

Thanks for spending all day over a hot stove, but it's all just gonna come out of my ass, grandma. At the end of the day, it is just poop coming out of my ass, so I think I'll have Chipotle. Yeah. No, I think I'll get a slice of pie. Don't worry about me. It's all just diarrhea in my rectum.

There's no need to cook. It shouldn't be diarrhea by the way. You're, you're inside of Raleigh awful if you're constantly eating Chipotle. Oh, you sound like my doctor. You should be eating more homemade food. I think you're constantly on Boatsmates ordering Mexican food and sitting on a toilet. All right, do you wanna guess another dish? Okay, give me one more.

Okay. Give me one more. And make sure that this is a dish best served cold. Okay, here we are. This is why this person likes it. It is a satisfying, comforting all in one meal. It is 100% homemade, okay? I'm just, oh, here we are. We're going to need chicken.

Any thoughts? It's a rotisserie chicken. No, really close. Fuck, fuck, I'm becoming a chicken. Carrots. Knock. Yeah, fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. I'm becoming a chicken. Carrots. Cock. Cock me. God damn it.

Carrots and celery. Okay, so far this sounds like what I have to feed the dog. Butter, onion, and garlic. Yeah. Flour. Flour. Seasonings, salt, pepper, thyme, excuse me. Chicken stock and broth.

Chicken stock and broth. Chicken stock broth. Half and half. Chicken noodle soup? Oh, creamy. And it's creamy. Chicken alfredo. It's a creamy sauce. There's gonna be a creamy sauce. Chicken a la vodka.

Sauce. And don't forget the frozen peas, please. We are back with some frozen peas. Chicken albredo. Another dish from across the Atlantic. It's all Italian food. Yeah. Chicken cacciatore.

No. Chicken c a Tory. No. Chicken catch a Tory. Let's go through the step-by-step recipe and you'll call out when you know it. In a skillet or a separate pan, cook down the onion and garlic and butter, whisk in the flour.

That's everything. Flour. That's everything. Salt, pepper, and thyme. Yes, that's okay. That's how every fucking recipe starts. The recipe writer editorializes, major flavor building is happening here. And you can see from these photos,

it looks dry but flavorful for sure. After the flour soaks up the moisture from the cooked vegetables add the broth and half and half. Let everything simmer and thicken on the stove. I don't like adding broth and cream into the same situation. Yeah. Maybe that's my Jewish upbringing the milk and the meat but I don't like the creamy meat stuff. You don't like the thickening sauce. Yeah, the thickening creamy meaty sauce. Like I feel like dairy is one thing,

beef is another and to combine them doesn't really spark joy for me, culinarily. Yeah, right. Well, right now you're only cooking the onion and garlic and the butter. There's no meat in there yet. And I should- You did say the chicken.

Oh yeah, well, I said the chicken broth, didn't I? I said the chicken broth. So it's not exactly chicken. But that's for the dough, okay? That's for a 12 inch piece of dough. Now do you have a guess? Calzone? It's, it's kinda, it's like a calzone, but British. Got it.

Beef Wellington? Chicken pot pie. How is that different than a shepherd's pie? For this thick and hot guy. Well, it has dough. Chicken pot pie for a thick and hot guy is pretty, that's really good. Like, I don't care who you are.

Chicken pot pie for this thick and hot guy. Yeah. That's like. Makes the ladies scream. Why? Out of my eyes. Yeah. Yeah, so insecure Jake where I learned how to cook, but I burned myself really bad.

Right. I guess chicken pot pie has got that crust. It's the, but I burned myself really bad. Right. I guess chicken pot pies got that crust. It's all about the crust. The shepherd's pie is more of a mashed potato situation. Precisely, precisely. Yeah, and then underneath the chicken pot pie is the creamy, chickeny stuff that I don't really like. Yeah, yeah, I get that.

I remember thinking I wouldn't like chicken pot pie and then I had it for the first time and it was incredible. Another dish you can just get frozen at Costco. Yeah. Probably just as good as somebody making it with love at home. Right. Really, really fast.

Better to get it at a footy match, honestly. You want it frozen from a little pouch, heated up in a microwave or a toaster, scalding your tongue as your team goes down three nil in the first half. Getting crumbs on your crotch. Quacky. Because everyone stood up to cheer for an opposing goal

and spilled the cream on you. Bollocks, mate. Ah, shit. Now I have to wipe it up. Do you have a wet wipe, sir? I said a wet wipe? What do you call them here? A wetty wipey? Fuck my fucking thigh gap. Shit my ass. Shit my lasagna coming out my ass.

Uh, all right. I think I pretty much nailed that, but let's take another- You actually did pretty good. Yeah. Let's take another break and, uh, come back with our unprecedented third segment. Wow. Have we ever done three? I don't think so. That must be a record. A first.

It must be a third. And we're back and it's time for you to play my new favorite game, Main Trail. Guess the recipe. Oh. for you to play my new favorite game, Main Trail. Guess the recipe. Oh. No, Main Trail to Miami, okay? Cause you're not really that good at geography, not like me.

So we're gonna let you go from Maine to Miami. You don't have to go across the country. So this is Main Trail three at this point. Main Trail three. Since you don't have to go as far. Can I pull up a map? No maps. You can, if you really need to, you can look at like Google Earth or something. So you can kind of see like. See what the shape of America is without like the borders and like the titles of the states. I think I'm only gonna let you bring two people. Okay, my Zoom just made a whole bunch of balloons

go in front of my face when I said that. The idea being that you're only going to Florida. You're not going across the country. You're just trying to get to Miami. That's dope, actually. Okay, who are you bringing? Maggie Gyllenhaal, actually. Is something happening between you guys?

No, I'm just curious if she'd go on a road trip with me. Okay, so you and Maggie Gyllenhaal, do you want anyone else to come and third wheel it? Maybe Avi Tal's mom. Okay, you, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Avi Tal's mom are going from Maine to Florida for some reason. Maggie needs to be there for a wedding,

for her own wedding. And you're developing feelings for her on the road and you're conflicted. Should I say anything? I can't say anything. My wife's mom is here. I haven't even been to this with Avi Tal. Cause they're from Florida.

Yeah. So, so yeah, and Avi tall's mom. Anybody need to shit. I could pinch one here before we head out. Just to make sure I'm on it. So from Maine, you're going south to Florida to bring Maggie Gyllenhaal to a wedding where she's getting married again. Even though I think she's with Peter Sarsgaard.

Slash child. Well, as we all learned from last few weeks that Maine is the only state in America that borders one state. Maggie, do you know what it is? I say slapping her knee, hoping to God that she picks up on it, but knowing that she's kind of offended I touched her at all. She shudders. Vermont, no, you dumb little minks. Glad you landed on minks. You stupid ho, it's New Hampshire. There you go. Okay, a man in a suit and sunglasses and a fedora blocks your path, steps to the side and lets you through. Namaste. Dude looks like he was in the matrix or some shit.

Have you seen that movie, Maggie? Agent Smith. I think we would like it. Amit Tal's mom's watching all of this unfold. She's on her phone, but she's clearly paying very close attention. She's like texting. Now he just, he touched her knee and now he's asking her about The Matrix. What? I mean, I doesn't even like movies. All right, you're in New Hampshire.

Namaste. Nah, I'm actually going to go. Nice. Through the merry old state of Connecticut. Which I think is it's Southern for Connecticut. Final answer. Of course it is. You do not get another answer. And Agent Smith blocks your path and he asks you to choose between your mother-in-law or this new love interest.

Just fucking kill Maggie. She's obviously not interested in my ass. He picks up a gun, shoots off Etal's mom. What? In the neck. You made the choice. This is just like in Batman. When Batman chooses to rescue Rachel, but he's actually rescuing Harvey Dent

because the Joker knew. Oh yeah, and it was Maggie Gyllenhaal. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's kinda cool. So you and Maggie Gyllenhaal, AKA, is it Rachel? I think it's Rachel, Batman. You guys cross the border into Massachusetts. That makes more sense actually.

Yeah. I was kidding about choosing you to die, by the way. That was really awkward. I knew it would be some sort of reverse like. It's fine. It's fine. Psychologies. It's fine.

It's fine. But now that we're in Massachusetts, I feel like I know what's next. What's next? That would be the state I incorrectly guessed on purpose. So that it's just the two of us in here. Connecticut. Yeah. so that it's just the two of us in here. Connecticut, which shares a border with Massachusetts, obviously. Certainly it does.

Certainly it does. Good job. You are now in Connecticut and moving further south. Meanwhile, Maggie is now in the backseat. I'm starting to feel like a fucking taxi driver here. This is ridiculous. You run over a skunk. Oh, fuck.

Actually, my hamdies are kind of tight. Would you mind driving? I'll sit in the back. They wouldn't have to take a shit. I have to pinch a lobe. It's been two days. Connecticut I know borders New York state. Yes, the Empire State.

Agent Smith guides your station wagon across, I guess it would be 95 South, and you enter New York. In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are angels. You sing that while listening to conservative talk radio. Do you like Charlie Kirk? I can turn it up if you're interested in hearing a different viewpoint for once.

I'm serious, celebrities live in a fucking echo chamber. Hope you don't mind the heat. I turned it up to 90. I'm, I'm always cold. I think I have a thyroid thing or I like the Shapiro. Let's head to South into the goat state. What's that? New Jersey. Okay. Okay. The goat state. What's that? New Jersey.

Okay, okay. The garden state. The garden state of goats. You're in New Jersey, driving south towards Cape May, the last exit. That's nice. I know in between, or I know parts of New Jersey

are considered like a Philly suburb. So I wanna say Pennsylvania is next. Although Pennsylvania feels north to me, but I do know that Jersey and PA border each other. Maybe not directly due south, but one state at a time. Let's leak into Pennsylvania first and foremost. Okay, so if you are, yeah. Actually, no, that's correct.

Okay. That is correct. That's correct. Yes, okay. Good on ya. You're in Pennsylvania. I'm actually more of a math guy, Maggie. The geography shit's just like a natural thing for me. She's passed out.

Of course. It's really hot in here. We haven't slept for days. That being said, Pennsylvania is right above. Holy smokes. What is Pennsylvania above? Holy smokes. What is Pennsylvania above? Uh, is there a Pennsylvania Maryland border?

Is that what it is? That little sliver in between Pennsylvania and the South? Give me Maryland. Wow. So I think you're, you're all, this is all technically above board. You're not like- Because they do border each other.

They do border and they're- They're not in a direct fashion. And they're moving south, like you can do this. Yes, I can. I'm taking my sweet ass time. Yeah, you're highway hopping. This isn't- Yes.

Yeah, we're not going on the route, which would go through, I think it might even go New Jersey into Delaware, but you are going New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland. Yeah. Okay, that's fine. As I said, all above board. Okay, great.

And obviously Maryland and Virginia are like borderline scissor sisters, Maggie. Like they can't get enough of each other. So why don't we go from Pennsylvania to Maryland to Virginia correct you are in Virginia with Maggie freaking chilling hall I feel like I'm gonna miss the wedding because you're taking a really random route yeah well I've guessed the states so far so why don't you shut your trap and enjoy the ride?

It's slappering me again. Show me North Carolina. North Carolina. Agent Smith comes up with the gun, points it at Maggie Gyllenhaal. Click. Empty chamber, you're safe. Let's rally to rally. Now you, you know, you could,

I feel like this is the home stretch. You should be able to get this. I mean, once you're in North Carolina, the obvious next step is South Carolina, which you'll have to hit me up. Give me that South Carolina sauce. That's a gimme. Agent Smith daps you up on the way in.

Yeah, he gets that. Under South Carolina. Is there anything before Georgia? There's nothing between Georgia and South Carolina. It's gotta be fricking South Carolina into Georgia into Florida. So I'm hoping to God, I'm not missing like a Tennessee or something random like that. Agent Smith approaches your car.

He asks you to roll down the window. He leans in. He gives you a deep mouth kiss. Oh. He says, congratulations, you're in Florida. Congratulations, you're bi. He opens the back door for Maggie Gyllenhaal, and she goes off to their wedding. Can you believe it?

You were engaged the whole time? Why'd you bury the lead? I thought that was kind of clear. Because it's a wedding thing. Yeah, I'm honestly barely even listening. Still reeling from the mother of the lost church. The surprise was more about the Agent Smith reveal, not the Maggie. I couldn't freaking believe it. Right. Wow. What a fun game. Congratulations on completing Main Trail 3. Main Trail 3. We'll see how much more, how much more we can squeeze out of Main Trail.

Canada's next folks. You absolutely know it's next. Start studying up. Start studying the maps. Edmonton into Ontario into Ottawa into fucking Winnipeg and back. Pfft. Okay. Thank you for listening. Ontario into Ottawa into fucking Winnipeg and back. Okay.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being a part of this amazing journey with us from Maine to Florida and back. Let's say that, oh, to watch more of us, you can check out our Patreon, which is still going strong weekly videos at patreon.com slash J.A. Indeed it is Ja still watching some classic Jake in the mirrors over there. So do join us exactly.

But if not, we'll be back here on Monday as always. Good luck selling those Clippers tickets. Jake what? Yeah. I'm going to give you a percentage of profit. Amazing. Amazing. New York to Inglewood.

Right. Namaste. Namaste. Bye everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum original. Hey, I'm Tony Hale. I'm Matt Oberg.

And I'm Kristen Schall. And we're going to be hosting the new podcast, The Extraordinarians, where we are going to be interviewing extraordinary people, doing extraordinary things, things that we have never and probably will never do. We talk to people who have broken records on slacklines suspended by hot air balloons. We're talking to people who have done multiple flips on trampolines. You'll have to tune in to find out how many flips they did. Subscribe to Extraordinarians on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Pocketcast, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch me.

God. In three. Watch it on the YouTube. There's new episodes that we release in every Wednesday. We do. I've never seen you cry before. I know. I don't know how I feel about it. I've never seen you cry before. I know.

I don't know how I feel about it. This is upsetting for all of us. They don't let us pray for lunch. They do. This podcast is so competitive, they make you just talk and talk. Guys, we're watching a spin out. Please subscribe.

Oh man. Extraordinarians.