If I Were You - 77: Mother's Day/Butt Plugs

Episode Date: May 12, 2014

In this episode we discuss moms, ukeleles, and stinky situations.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the easiest way to build a professional looking website! Check them out: http://bit.ly/17DIXqWSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you're in a sticky situation Think that you might need a place To run and try to hide away Look no further than a mirror and jake And your burdens they will gladly take I may have overstated that oh These dudes will give you some good advice Or at least they'll try Actually I cannot promise you that But they will do their best to make it funny Don't write an unleashed stunning The ends of the world Hell yeah Loser No He was playing a uke You're the loser You don't know how to play any instrument

Yeah And you just disparage people who do But at least I don't pretend to play a normal sized guitar and use a dinky one He doesn't do that Sorry I thought you'd be on my side here He doesn't pretend it's another instrument Everyone with the ukulele is trying to trick you Yeah I think they're all tricksters I saw you walk up to a guy playing the ukulele on the subway and you said You're not fooling anyone I said I'd give you a dollar but nice try

Look at this guys he's trying to pass this off as a guitar and clearly it's not It's some other tiny one He's trying to pretend like he's a ten foot six inch guy playing a normal sized guitar But I saw right through him He's five foot eight It's small on me too It's not a trick It's not an illusion It's just small Everyone's booing me That guy's name was Ethan Ruby

I like Ethan Ruby I like that song Solid song Thank you I liked the way he wrote it as he was singing it What do you mean? He's like at least they'll try to give you advice Actually I can't promise that Like okay Yeah there are songs like that where like the lyrics contradict each other

Yeah it's funny because you do imagine the person like writing down recording them Saturday in the park I think it was the 4th of July Yeah like before you record the song just go make sure Double check Saturday in the park it was the 4th of July Now that I think about it it was the 2nd of July It was definitely the 2nd of July Or it's like that Elton John song where he's like

You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue Oh he's talking about someone's eyes Yeah Oh then he's like and he also says If I was a sculptor But then again no Alright then don't use that one He doesn't know how to delete

He decided not to be a sculptor But then again no And then the song just ends Sorry the song isn't going to be about me being a sculptor Yeah you decided to go be a painter But then again no Then again no So no song

Hey this is If I Were You the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Jake And I'm Amir I feel bad we can go back to doing the old way You know this is our one year This is the one year anniversary show This is really? Yeah the our first episode was May 12th 2013

Or no May 13th 2013 And now it's May And now today it's in podcast land May 12th 2013 Holy shit happy anniversary brother Yeah anyway so Happy anniversary to me too brother Brother This is also I think the latest we've recorded a podcast

Like it's Sunday night at 9.45 p.m Is this the latest we've recorded a podcast? Or like the closest to it's being released Like down to the wire Yeah like this is borderline live Yeah Because we just have to turn it around If there's any mistakes in it I apologize

We don't have time to listen to it Borderline live and 100% irresponsible Yeah negligent We ran out of time we procrastinated It was mother's day today Oh yeah We had to see your mother I had to see my brother Yeah it was your brother's day today

Yes I'm his mother so I went up to see young Michael at school So how does it work? People are in difficult places obviously Dyer's straight Life isn't good always We should do like a let's script a duo intro Oh Because that way you know it's not all the onus isn't all on you

So like we so we but we say the same exact thing all the time People are in people are in need people Alright people are what do you say? I say people are in a in a difficult place in their lives And then I'll say Dyer's straights straights if you will Straights But then again no Alright let's try that beginning ready

Okay People are what so how does it work? People are in difficult places in their lives Dyer's straights if you will And so what they do is they email us They email us if I were you show at gmail.com And we do our best to answer their questions Let's get started

Alright we have that we have that recorded all we have to do is practice those lines I don't I fear I won't be able to nail straights every single time Did you take a photo? I accidentally took a photo You just took a fucking picture I'm laying here shirtless I didn't take a photo of you The most I just I'm just gonna tell you the most discomforting sound when you're lying on a couch shirtless Is the sound of a fucking camera going on

It's such an embarrassing noise like to be caught in like taking a surreptitious photo and just hearing You know it'd be fun a prank like in a trucker rest stop Like there's just like a big trucker guy right He's the actor he's like just a big old scary looking trucker Yeah And then people come in and they're peeing next to him You just hear the sound of an iPhone camera Yeah this

We just play that So the people we're not actually taking photos of them so they can't get mad at us It's not illegal So they like they some people will look over at him and be like did you take a picture And then sometimes he should look at them and be like you just take a picture You mean they're both at urinals next to each other Yeah Side by side urinals

That's really good I'm gonna email Jimmy Fallon What do you think is Jimmy Jimmy at Fallon Do you think it's Jimmy at the Tonight Show You know what it might be is Jimmy Fallon at Gmail A lot of people you know and thus probably a lot of celebrities just have their names at Gmail I have thought about that before and I actually

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen at Gmail.com is me Really? I'm pretty I don't know if I can still use it but yeah You also started Paul Dano's Twitter right Yeah You troll You trolled Paul Dano The real Paul Dano

You made a fake Twitter account for Paul Dano I really did do that Let me see if I can find it What a small time prank I think it doesn't have Oh my god The real Paul Dano The real

I think it's the real Paul Dano Yeah the real Paul Dano Bio this is a parody account Oh no it couldn't load Oh wow maybe they deleted me Dano's people finally got to you Fuck dude Alright let's get started

Let's answer these questions Real emails from real people We're gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity Do you have a fake name theme for this episode? Let's do kids I went to elementary school with Okay So who wrote this email? Joe

Actually should I not do his full name? Let's just say let's call him Joe W Joe Dubs writes Hello guys I've been dating an amazing girl for a few months Gorgeous Brilliant The whole nine yards

Our sex life is for the most part pretty good But there's one rough spot She has never let me go down on her Not once not ever She gives me head occasionally And I could probably ask her to do it more But I'd feel greedy not reciprocating What's more she won't tell me why

She won't let me go there At first she said she'd be too loud But then when we were in a more private place I still got rebuffed I try every few times we're fooling around But whenever I get down there She clamps her legs and clams right up Pun intended

So how do I go about fixing this oral problem? I really enjoy eating girls out Plus not to brag but I've been told I'm pretty damn good at it And we all know what Uncle Ben meant when he said With great power comes great responsibility Was actually if you're good at eating pussy Eat pussy

Thanks guys Excuse you Uncle Ben Uncle Ben This is sort of like the opposite problem Of most people where it's like I want my girl or a guy to go down on me And they won't

This is like I want to do it to them And they won't let me I can understand where he's coming from I would be devastating to me If I was with somebody who didn't like To receive oral sex Devastating even though she was down To give you oral sex?

Yeah I love Doing that Yeah it's one of my favorite things Would you be more devastated than if it were The other way around? I would rather Interesting You'd rather

You'd rather receive than give it No I think I might rather give it You'd rather give it? Yeah That can't be true As long as I can still fuck yeah I mean I'd rather do both That's an option

It's not I don't think I would be with somebody who Like didn't like Or not like but at least like you know It's interesting to what do you think it is About not wanting to get it I've met girls who Don't like it

I guess it grosses them out Right I think there's like an insecurity thing Some girls maybe And some guys too Maybe people are just like I don't want you to go down on me Because I think my vagina looks weird I think it smells weird

I think I don't want you to be that close to it And then also maybe Maybe some Girls are like super sensitive there And it's not actually It's actually not pleasurable It's almost like being tickled It's too intense

Oh jeez Imagine that too intense Which sounds like a good thing But you wouldn't want somebody to just be tickling you That's too intense Tickling is too intense Tickling is intense I'll go down on a girl

I'll let her suck my dick But tickling is where I draw the line Yeah you don't want anybody Sort of wiggling your rib cage Yeah I love being tickled Didn't I tickle you on the podcast once? Probably So what do you do in this situation?

How do I go about fixing this oral problem Is this specific question? Well it sounds like he hasn't done anything He hasn't like Really Gone He hasn't, wow I can't I think it's a word and I might never be able to

I think this is the end Jilly with the problem head on That's a good pun though You mean broaching it in a non-sexual way? Yeah just like fucking saying what you're thinking Because right now he's like They talked about it, it would be too loud And he accepted that

That's a fake excuse Well I understand him accepting that at first So then But then he tried in a more private setting and she still said no She was just climbing up on him Then I think you should, maybe there's an issue that could be worked out Like hey do you not like that And then she could say

Give you the reasons why she doesn't and maybe you could Quell her fears, maybe she'll say I think my vagina is weird, you say I think you have the best looking vagina I've ever seen in my whole life I think it's smelly And you say it smells like roses And then you do go down on her And you're like holy shit

Actually never mind you were right You go down there and immediately vomit Oh baby Why did you let me do this You should have continued With some sort of ruse and excuse I think you should, yeah you should just say Like what's up, what's the deal

Tell me like it is, especially if this is your girlfriend It's not like some just random girl you're hooking up with You guys should be able to have a Better communication Yeah, just at least bring it up What not while you're Oh god I think her biggest nightmare

Is this conversation right now Being broadcast to tens of thousands of people Sorry being Podcasted Okay, on a borderline live podcast Yeah I would say He hasn't even told Asked her about it

He should do that, you should do that You should talk to her about it I also love like this is My talent is being wasted on her Yeah it's like giving Best on my Casanova It's locking Michael Jordan in a gymnasium And not giving him a ball

It's a waste of potential here Trust me, I am the Spider-Man Of going down on chicks What does that mean Uncle Ben The Spider-Man reference Oh Did not get that

I thought he meant the rice guy Who's Uncle Ben's rice It's the company isn't it The rice company said with great power Comes great responsibility I thought it was a really good rice No I think that's a rice oroni Yeah

It was either the San Francisco treat Or with great power Comes great responsibility Either way two parts water One part rice Please don't destroy this great great Responsibility you have Alright do you have a

Do you have a female elementary school Friends name for the second question Oh yes Sarah C Sarah C Okay this is sort of a mother's day Themed question Perfect timing

Hey guys recently my husband and I Have been talking about starting a family We are both really excited But I'm a little worried about becoming a mom My husband has a great Relationship with his family Close and talk a lot I on the other hand still have a lot of resentment

Towards my parents due to An unhappy childhood My mom has a criminal record And my dad barely bothers to conceal His old school sexism around His daughters we do not talk Any more than once a month and I do not Have very much respect for either of them

I'm worried that I won't know how to be A good mom because of this And my husband is such an amazing person I don't want to disappoint him Or our child Jake often talks about his awesome Loving relationship with his mom So I was wondering if you guys could share

Some of the things that your parents did To foster your relationships And keep you guys close into adulthood Thanks sincerely Sarah C Oh my goodness It sucks because She can't be a good mom Regardless of how many good stories we give her

I was going to say maybe She has the kid, gives it to the husband Maybe He deserves a kid Because he had good parents And that way she doesn't taint him Regardless of how much she tries It's not going to happen

I'll say One piece of advice Before I go into I'm going to tell my mom how much I love Mother's Day You bet your fucking ass I'm going to tell my mom Because you didn't actually call her I didn't call her today

So I think you can learn By bad example As well as by example You were raised in a household Where your parents showed you how not to do it Your husband was raised in a household Where his parents showed him how to do it

So you guys actually make a perfect team Oh wow it's a perfect pair And you can see who does it better now It's sort of like a competition God you are so quickly turning it negative Yeah it's a game You get 10 points for Actually holding the child

Just birthing him The winner gets The kid's inheritance if he or she Should perish before the parents Yeah ideally it's a cash game Yeah life is a cash game Your whole life is just money Life is not a zero sum game

Life is a one zero zero zero zero Zero a.k.a. a million Cash game Where the winner gets cash You're broke Yeah Cause I haven't had a kid yet I wanted

You saw your mother today Was that nice? Yeah it was nice It was fun to hang out with my mommy Did you tell her you loved her? I didn't have to You and your parents don't say I love you You and your parents don't say I love you Rarely yeah I don't know

Did you tell your mom you loved her today? No No I show it in different ways I don't have to say I don't have to fake it with words Fake what do you mean fake it? How do you show her that you love her? I'll give her a hug and say happy mother's day

And you like I give her a card with a five dollar bill They took you out to every meal today right? Yeah yeah I would never pay for any of it I see okay You're a bad son I tell my mommy I love her But your mom and my mom are opposites

We were talking about this a few weeks ago Or the other week When we went to We were in San Francisco And we were going to the baseball game And you were talking to your mom on the phone And she was like Who's going? How are you going to get there?

The train or cab? What time is the game? Who's picking you up? What did you eat? It's just all logistics Who's there? What's this? What's happening with this? Like she's writing a journalism article about it Yeah and then I talked to my mom

And was like yeah I went to a Giants game And she was like was it amazing? She just wants to know my feelings My mom has never even used the word amazing Does she ever ask you how you feel about something? I'm sure But she's very elite She's like non spiritual

Sort of like me You also came to the realization the other day Right Which is why I think that we're blessed We're going to last forever Yeah and we're going to adopt six kids I really hope so So

Would you like to give your mom a shout out from Mother's Day? She's not going to listen to this podcast Because we don't have that kind of Relationship either But my mom knows how much I appreciate her Alright good I'm her favorite son and it's such that I've done the best job at being her child

I'm her baby boy I would like to tell my mother On this podcast That I love you dearly You're my mommy I'm your baby You're a little boy And you're my big lady

It's not a nice thing Alright I love you mom You know what I'll say this This is me being real right now I wouldn't be a writer If it weren't for my mom Well can I say the same thing Wouldn't I have been a different person

If not for my mom just by default Didn't she constantly ask you to go to law school Yeah And that sort of reverse motivated me Oh just like this woman Yes We'll learn from her mistakes Perfect I love you mom

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Well, let's try to give this girl some advice Firstly Asking two Non Parental dudes How to be a mom is Why Non parental

We don't have kids is what I'm saying Asking two dudes about how to be a mom We're really out of our comfort zone here But here's the thing Being a good mom Nope, well Everyone says that they're not ready to be a mom Because you can't be ready to be a mom

The only way you become ready to be a mom Is by becoming a mom I don't know how it's done And maybe you won't know how it's done until you have a baby And the most important thing Is to give A lot of effort And

It seems like you're going to give extra effort Because you want to overcome this adversity So if anything, you're more capable than People who have had better parents To becoming a mom And you shouldn't be worried Or what did she say Oh, you shouldn't be worried

That you don't know how to be a good mom Because of this If anything, it should motivate you to become a better mom And people do just that Would you mind if I Attack a little bit of the old The Jake Spice on this Yeah

I will first Submit a counterpoint To that we don't know Because you and I had moms So I feel like we do know a little bit about good parenting I think that we're not necessarily an authority But I think it's acceptable that she would ask So

On that matter, I disagree with you Re her being a good mom I'm going to disagree with you there too She's She's fucked I think You're worse off if you're coming into this situation Like I'm going to be the best mom

Fuck it, don't worry, nobody tell me anything I got this You are like coming in with such an open mind That you're like How do I be good And as soon as you have that level of self-awareness Then I think Your husband is going to help you

Your past experiences are going to help you Your parents are not going to help you Because fuck them Your little baby might not have the best grandparents But fuck it They'll have a good mom I'll take good mom over Good grandparents any day

How many grandparents Of yours did you know All of them You had all four Well My grandfather died when I was like 15 And then

They started dropping I guess I was 18 when my other grandma died Then I was like 25 When my other grandma died And my other grandpa Is still kicking I basically only had one grandparent By the time I was like two weeks old

I only had one grandparent left But she stayed alive Till I was like 22 Anyway You're crying Sorry for things getting a little real But as advertised They should

Now let's get to this question about butt plugs Mom Turn on the podcast We need a guy's name Okay It's not that I don't have one I'm just trying to think of who You know what I mean

Okay Let's call this one Cory C I've been with my girlfriend For almost two years now Things are going great Funny and quite a smoke show A goddamn dime

But here's my conundrum While browsing the internet the other day I came across a deal on butt plugs At a mere five British pounds I couldn't afford Not to buy one Since it arrived I've been toying with How to approach the subject with my girlfriend

I don't even know if she's into that kind of thing I mean I've shoved a finger up there Before and she seems to enjoy it But this has quite a lot more girth than a finger I'm also worried that if I don't say anything Soon she might stumble upon it and get the wrong idea That I'm using it on someone else Or even on myself

How do I bring it up in conversation with her Or could I just get it out next time we're having sex And see what happens I think my health would be greatly appreciated Where was he browsing Where was he browsing That a deal on butt plugs Just came up

You have to specifically Shoot us straight dude Tell us you Just like fucking Sought the butt plug out I'm not going to sit here and pretend That that was a pop up ad That he clicked on and decided to buy it

I was reading the news at And I was like Butt plug ads don't come up Unless you're like Who fuck looks at the ads when you're watching porn though What exactly is a butt plug Is it exactly what it sounds like Is it just a dildo for your butt hole

Um Does it have a string on the end of it so you can yank it out I've seen something Is it like a wooden tampon of sorts You've never seen a butt plug How would I have seen a butt plug I've never seen a butt plug in porn Really? Yeah

God What is it It kind of looks like Like a yo-yo It looks like the ace of spades a little bit Except you know Not the hard edges Just like a mushroom almost

So you can slide in Because it's thin at the top And then it widens out towards the base Thin at the top widens out toward the base And then it goes Very tight in And then there's sort of like a Just a cylinder base at the bottom

So it doesn't like slip in I guess I don't know But is there a string that you can like you know Some of them have I've seen some of them that have like horse tails at the end Some of them have strings This is the noise I imagine it makes when you take it out I resent that

You're So I will say There's nothing wrong With That's enough of that There's nothing wrong with desiring Butt plugs. There's something wrong with

Lying to me about how you came across the butt plugs Have you ever used one? No That's pretty intense Is it for guys to use or girls or both? Both? Anybody with a butt So this guy bought it

Thinking that his girlfriend would wear it? Do you wear it? If it's in you Is it wearing it? I guess It's not like you would wear it around during the day I think you like play with it Right I don't know

I feel like you can't just Show where the butt plug Cause then she's gonna be like you've had this You used it on other people already You want to use it on me Imagine washing a butt plug You'd have to really rinse it thoroughly Yeah

Like you're cleaning your retainer in the morning Actually Rest your toothbrush on it I think you have to have the discussion With your girlfriend before you purchase The butt plug. You can't be like I bought this Butt plug. Put it in It's too late. He found a good deal

He didn't want the price to go up So I think I would lie and just be like I'm curious I want to try to use a butt plug. Would you be down with that? She's way less likely to do it Just bring it out. What did you expect? You thought I was going to Pull out a butt plug and I was going to put it in?

But maybe it's best to have that Conversation to the heat of the moment Don't you think like a butt plug During sexual stuff Is much less intense than a butt plug During like a picnic Like you're taking out a baguette from a basket And then also a butt plug

Well I feel like you broached the subject Um Subtly at first I don't like if you're Hooking up and then you pull out the butt plug She might balk at that She might be like whoa stop I'm putting my clothes on It's a mood killer. But I think you're

Out at lunch and you're talking about your sex life Like oh man I've never been so happy Is there anything that like You would like me to do sexually Butt plugs I think you say I love Anal stuff I'm like curious about exploring that world

You feel it out. You see if she's down You don't like butt stuff so you don't understand Yeah so you're saying like the butt Plug itself you have to insert it into the Conversation slowly at first And then you shove it right in You don't have to shove it right in And then at the end of the conversation

I've never seen you struggle more with this You're usually looking at it It's the Performance of it Yeah I think you You gotta Just bring it up then Introduce the fact that you

Are gonna buy it. Like never tell her That you bought the butt plug without her knowing I think this guy should go to prison I think Sodomy is a sin worth Dying for. I think this guy Doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend Or a life of his own. He is

Hedonistic He is motivated by I guess The devil or something worse And he shouldn't Shove this object of Satan into anyone's rectum Let alone hers No I guess your advice was good

Talk to her about it. Though I would say Do it during the heat of the moment Alright that's fair Really? No I disagree But it's your advice I just If this is break time I want to announce That I found the Paul Dano twitter

Okay yeah this is good It is break time. Alright great Cause um Talk more into the mic. I'm afraid people will miss it out Alright yeah this is my I guess like So you started a twitter account Wow this is crazy. May

May 10th. Oh no it started In March. Oh. I just found one From May 10th 2012 It started in February. Cause somebody on our sub Reddit shout out to r slash Jake and Amir Said that we are one year anniversary And the podcast is coming up

And then I realized that it's also like the Is it 7 year 7 year anniversary of the Jake and Amir video starting Also in May. So I feel like we only start Shit in May. And then you're like oh this twitter Account also started Not in May though in March. Still spring

Still accounting it Dude I think that we're in bloom That's what's up. The rebirth Of our brains. I agree So how many tweets do you have from this Faldeno account. Also why did you start it I don't. I think I was just like I must have been really bored

Um I have 36 tweets There's I'm following 7 people And I have 1600 followers 1600. That's pretty good. That's a lot Jesus The first tweet

The first thing I tweeted was eclipse Then the next day I tweeted solar eclipse Then the next day I tweeted Total lunar eclipse So you're The game here is that Faldeno Is just interested in

Some weird astrology hobbyist Well I think I just wanted him to seem Really really deep in artsy And sort of like Ambiguous. But then There's also a whole bunch Of What was the last tweet

The one that you did in May of 2013 The week we started this podcast Um Well the last one I I did was September 27th 2012 and I just wrote complete So what did you say was in May I started in March and you thought it was May

Yeah. Cause it said M-A-R Or because You saw O3 and you thought that was The numerical I was scrolling And it was on May and I thought I scrolled to the bottom But I hadn't. Should you tweet something now I probably should. I just want to

You have 1600 followers Somebody named Jim tweeted at him and he said Uh at the real Paldeno I met you in Cali man You remember me we hung outside the hotel And I just wrote back yeah It's so subtle Because you're not trying to make him sound

Bad or good He's also a celebrity that would never actually have A twitter account and he'll never find out About this it seems I guess the way I found it just now It came up Yeah What's a funny tweet to do after a year

Are you really the Paldeno Are you really the real Paldeno And I wrote yeah An impersonator would lie Oh man you're absolutely mad And there will be blood Reminds me of the religious freaks we have in North Carolina Haha and I just wrote back THX

You're so subtle There's no reason to do this No it's so boring You're not making a statement I guess the only fitting thing That I could write is um Maybe uh Maybe I'll retweet Jake in a mirror video

Haha these guys are actually On point in a way And I feel like the blonde one Is a better actor than me I really can't believe I have 1600 followers I haven't looked in a Two years That's almost sad for Paldeno

Is it Dano or Dano I don't know we're gonna find out How People are gonna tell us Paldeno, Paldeno, I feel like it's Dano I'll go on record and say it's Dano And I don't care if I'm wrong Book them Dano

Another thing that I wanted to mention during the break Is that our show at the Hollywood Improv Is almost sold out but not quite yet Our live podcast On Saturday May 31st So uh that link is at our site Ifirishow.com Or you can just google

Ifirishow live Hollywood Improv You know we also There's just like different ways to use the search engine We have a show coming up in New York When? June 12th Really? You can probably buy tickets for that

I heard it here first Our triumphant return to New York City God nobody shows up Just to prove a fucking point Paldeno's there Well well well He bought out the whole theater to confront me How's that for a lunar eclipse

Dano you sick fuck I'm sorry I loved you in the milkshake movie Let's edit all this Paldeno stuff out I want people to think it's really the real Paldeno It's a six minute long podcast How many times a day Do you think somebody yells milkshake at Paldeno

Or I drink your milkshake Um twice That's not bad actually It's pretty good considering Considering how many times do you get called the pinch The pinch I forgot about that Never forget

Ready for the last question? Yeah Um Um Um Girls name This gal Leslie H

Very nice You think this episode should be called Mother's Day Or Butt Plugs I feel like we should do Mother's Day Slash Butt Plugs Thank you Hey guys Hey guys

So I have a friend who is always complaining about Never having been in a relationship And how she doesn't understand why guys don't like her She isn't lacking in self esteem She always says how she thinks she has a great personality And she has a really pretty face Which she does She always just blames it on the fact that

She's kind of a plus sized girl And while that may or may not be the reason She's single I'm going to bet it's the fact that she Smells really bad She only showers every three to four days And never washes her clothes I already had to ask her to stop the car

Because she Because her smell made me sick And I blamed it on motion sickness She has a really nice She's a really nice person and a good friend But how do you tell a friend That they smell so bad it literally makes you sick Everyone around her

Complains behind her back And they tell me I have to say something Because it won't sound mean Coming from me Just curious to see what you would do Thanks This question breaks my heart This is how we're going to go out

I feel so sad Why? She has an easily solvable problem No that girl's going to be so sad when she's like You have to take showers, you smell bad That girl's going to be like how long have People been talking about this I don't know how long have you been taking Bi-weekly showers, what sort of

Four days is fine I'll go six days without showering Yeah and it's bad Do I smell bad? You spent a lot of time with me, do I ever smell bad? Sometimes I guess I wouldn't say Sometimes you have BO if you go

Three days without showering Of course I don't How do you go that long without showering? Don't you feel dirty? I like feeling dirty I like feeling sticky I like smelling my own BO I love going to bed

Having just showered, wet hair PJs in a shirt and socks I wear a lot of clothes to sleep I sleep completely naked We often see each other In the bathroom in the morning I'm wearing a baggy t-shirt Pajama pants and socks

And you're nude You're naked Next time you're naked To be fair you're not wearing pants right now That's true Next time you're naked I just want to hear this Make you really nervous Food

So You smell Just a general Dilemma is like Your friend has an easily fixable issue But you don't want to broach it I've had this issue with friends They're like, oh this guy or this girl

Does this one thing And they can just not do it And everybody would like them more And as your friend it would help It would be very helpful to tell them what it is But it might come at the sacrifice Of making it weird for the next couple Days, weeks, months

If it's something in your teeth or your fly down It's like a little uncomfortable to tell somebody Pick your teeth But I think as a person I'd rather have that moment of Discomfort and then have clean teeth And this is like a A bigger scale problem

Than that because you have to have a real uncomfortable conversation But I wonder if you could just be Like Wow you kind of smell bad today When was the last time you showered This week You smell bad today You could start it now

Pretend that it just started to be a problem So you're like I think the thing that's painful Is say With anything like this You say something and you're like How long has this been building up How long have I smelled bad

So you just say Hey you smell bad As if you're saying it for the first time You just noticed and it's like what really I should And then she showers And then that's good Positive reinforcement

And then next time she smells again You've already established that you'll just say something So you get in her car like whoa you reek And she's like wow This is the second time you told me that Yeah I think you're starting to smell a bit You should shower Your hair's greasy too

But you play it off like this is just the new relationship This is what you've discovered This has pent up for so long And I finally have to say something You smell and you always have I totally agree with telling people Though I have a personal story That this reminds me of

Where somebody told me something Where like I was already doing the thing So I remember in high school I had zits I had acne, greasy face Red face And one of my female friends While we were on the phone once

By the way Do you know about Clearacell and Neutrogena Like this gel You can wash your face Yes I know about that I'm just saying maybe it'll help you out I was like I'm already using that

You bitch What a backfire I just felt like Now I know everyone's talking about my skin And also I'm already doing the thing That you're suggesting Now what girl You fucked me

The only solace I could take in this Was that people weren't paying as much attention To my face as I was paying attention To my face and now I know that's not true I had the worst type of acne Which was like bad but not bad enough To have Accutane

Which is like the miracle Pill that just destroys your entire body And also acne Really? That's what Accutane does? It's like an atomic bomb It like thins out every cell in your body It does stop acne but also It makes your eyes yellow and dry

Your fingernails thin Your toes stop working Well I just really wanted clear skin Kids with worse skin than me Had better skin within six weeks Because they had Accutane Now isn't there like I wonder if Accutane is still legal

Like that shit was fucking dangerous That was like a really It only people kept using it Because teens hate zits that much Like yeah I don't care if it causes Depression and suicidal tendency Crazy thoughts I don't know if this is a real story

If it was just like an anecdote they told us in health glass But there was like these kids were using They were like sniffing some type of glue to get high And they like put labels all over this glue They were like don't sniff it It's dangerous whatever whatever And people were still doing it And then they just printed on the label

Sniffing this glue causes breakouts And they stopped Oh yeah it's so funny Kids will do anything as long as it means they don't get zits Zits are the fucking worst I remember I had a zit a couple months ago It was like the first one I had to deal with In years

I couldn't stop thinking about it I just pulled it up and it says Pulled from the market Accutane's still available nonetheless And that was in 2012 So I guess they did eventually Pull an Accutane Though it's still available through generic manufacturers

Alright I'll take suicidal thoughts And thin fingernails I'm having suicidal thoughts because I have bad skin Oh god So what should this person do? Bring it up as if it's a new problem for her That's what I would do

You treat it As you You treat it like you should have from the beginning You should have said something right away I'm bothering you and you guys are friends Yeah but don't sit her down and make a big deal out of it I think that's where That's the danger zone

This is an intervention for your stench Right Yeah a stench intervention Yeah that's good That's really good actually Thank you I'm getting pretty good at this old advice thing After a year we're not actually half bad anymore

Oh my god We're now half good We're just more optimistic about it We're a little confident Thanks so much for listening guys If you've listened to every episode Maybe we should send them like Money

Yeah like 25 bucks cash That's cool we have advertisers We can afford it Thanks for listening to this episode And any episode you've ever listened to Yeah traffic is still going up I remember the first week we were like That's what we should have been doing

Like an appreciation Yeah we should have been telling stories from the very The very first podcast Well I remember the very first podcast came out And I told My then girlfriend You know can we just talk about her for a second I remember telling her I was like

I really hope that it just breaks 20,000 Listeners the first week Like I don't know where I got that number But I was like 20,000 in a week would be really cool And It eventually broke 20,000 Like the first couple days And by the end of the first week it had like

25,000 I was like alright this is huge This is cool and like we were like climbing the iTunes charts And now our episodes get 25,000 listens within the first day That's fucking dope So that means next year We'll be getting 50,000 a day And the year after that it'll double again

And the year after that again This is us holding a gun to a fan You hear that See you better start spreading the word See Plugging his nose trying to dump Accutane in his mouth Oh yeah so thanks guys That email address

Again is if I were your show at gmail.com If you have your own questions We are still opening and closing Every single episode with new theme song Submissions the first one was from someone named Ethan Ruby This last one is from somebody named Jack

Total Jack and total you guys We'll be back next week And Amir are really nice They're gonna give you free advice Jack's gonna tell you To swipe right Amir's gonna do some math all night Jack and Amir

Will tell you what to do If they were you They'd tell you what to do If I were you