If I Were You - 78: DOUBLE RANKOR

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

In this episode we draft embarrassing things, then discuss DND.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Hedgum Original. Mc Crispy Strips are now at McDonald's! Tender, juicy, and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious. New Mc Crispy Strips, now at McDonald's. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba Jake and Amir are two Jews that you can't forget

In 2010 they were big on the internet But then three failed pilots, two rejected movie scripts Won't last each effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Seconds. Another podcast. Seconds. Each app different from the last. Seconds. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook shows.

Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Seconds. Yeah. I ruined my Bose headphones. They are over the ear. I packed them as gear. I went to Palm Springs. I got food poisoning in my hotel room and upon returning home, I stuffed my laundry

filled with all the clothes, including the headphones. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I washed them to a fault. They came out of the barrel. Whoa. Whoopsie made a poopsie. Turn that fucking headphone into a slushie.

Yeah. I let it out to dry. The Bluetooth didn't work. The core didn't work. Yeah. Yeah. Those are the green ones? Yes, they were the green ones. I'm shocked you even tried.

Looking back on this, you tried for like a minute or two to get them to work like they should have been working and not like you knew for sure that they were broken. I thought the water in them would dry. I thought the circuitry could handle some moisture. Yeah, it couldn't handle the spin cycle. That's probably what it couldn't handle.

So I'm using a pair of borrowed buds that look like freebies given to me on a Spirit airline flight while I order some from Amazon that are due to arrive. When drum roll please, as I hit play on the theme song, I see the delivery man drop them off. How's that? Perfect timing.

Yeah. Same day delivery. Exactly. Very nice. It is delivery. Bezos is doing one thing right now. Yes. And it's not that.

It's basically what he is able to do. Well, is lower his prices to put mom and pop stands out of the business. And then once Amazon becomes the only game in town, he's able to raise the price for his shareholders, thus eliminating any need for competition and making it Uber convenient to use his and only his platform. Worth the price, the same day delivery for me, isn't it? Now, let me ask you a little bit about your air pods, which you're currently rocking. I've never been an air pod guy.

Yeah. Are you a fan or is it sort of like I'm using it because I'm an Apple stand boy and I need to just have whatever latest thing and I'm gotten used to it. These things, they just fit my ears better. I've had those other buds. There was a time when I like, when I didn't like the way the white AirPods looked

and I wanted the, like a different color. I got basically, I think they're called happy plugs or something. I got some kind of AirPod that was black. But no, these, it's these for me's. And you prefer that to the over the ear, which I like. I like the full cans. I don't like over the ear.

I think my head is too narrow. So it's like, I have to kind of balance that on my head. Like if they, over the ear headphones are heavy. If they kind of start to tilt back, the whole thing can go. But I'd rather wear a helmet than shove a fucking corn nut in my ear. Well, the nice thing about the AirPods, shout out to Steve Jobs, is that they don't go too deep.

They nest. Yeah, but they're still in your ear. I guess it's whatever you're used to. They're not that far in. I use the, there are like those, I forget what the differentiators are, but the third gen or the next gen or whatever, they have some that have the rubber that goes into the ear,

and that's not for me. I'm pure plastic, it is, it's resting. Yeah. It's just chilling right there. And you don't mind the having to carry them in their little case and the fumbling around and the charging them and then you're there in your pocket. That's stuff you do with your big headphones, isn't it?

You don't carry those in a case? Well, I guess you carry those in a laundry bag probably. So yeah, I think, oh, come on, I'm teasing you. Okay. Come on. It's a joke. Once was fine. two was incredibly rude. I didn't even do it once. You said I carry them in a laundry basket?

Yeah, but like what? Because I accidentally washed them? Yes, exactly. That's kind of funny, actually. Yeah, try to get there faster next time. You need to be able to laugh at me. It's not a big issue. I think carrying bigger headphones is more annoying.

Yeah, I guess it's whatever you're used to. Anyway, this is Segments, the only podcast on the internet that is segmented in such a specific way. And today's kind of a special one. Very special. I don't think we've ever done this before. Correct me if I'm wrong. One, two, three. No, not that.

49. Okay, different one, different thing. All right. We're done with that. Never again. We've got it in three twice and we're just never even gonna try to get it in two. It would be over so fast.

I guess we could try to get it in two. Okay. One, two, three, 24. 94. One, two, three, 36. Okay. And we didn't get it into. Okay. One, two, three, 24, one, two, three, 36. Okay. And we didn't get it into. That's fine.

So the best we can do is tie a record. Right. Might as well try one, two, three, nine. Pretty close. Close. That's fine. Yeah, whatever. We'll move on.

Uh, so this episode, which we've done a version of, I want to say a few times, but never this quite specific, uh, double version of it. Yeah. This is, this is a first. We are breaking new ground. The idea here is a double Ranker draft. And for those of you who are just joining us, Ranker is a game that we invented that's sort of sweeping the nation

in which one of us comes up with 10 embarrassing things and the other person has to rank them. There's little wrinkles to that basic conceit, but that's the gist. Yeah, yeah. There's some, we made some rules, some addendums. You're not allowed to ask for things to be repeated for some reason.

You have to write things down. Yeah, yeah. Neither here nor there. Yeah. Anyhow, we are doing a rancor snake draft where we're basically gonna list 20 embarrassing things. Correct. And then draft the ones that we want to claim,

thus leaving the competition with the most embarrassing thing. Right. So do you wanna email me yours yours or do you want to just read them one by one and then we'll draft them later? Yeah, let's read them one by one and then we'll draw for the draft. Okay. We'll go alternating. Okay, you can start. Okay. Every time a waiter asks how things are, you have to frown and say really bad, really, really bad. Then smile and say, oh, the food, the food's fine. Good even, it's just other shit.

Okay. And for the timeline on this, do you wanna say till the end of the year, until there's a new president, until there's a new pope? Maybe a new pope, cause that did, there's a brand new pope today, but they did elect another pretty old guy.

So it'll be a long time, but you never know. Like 10 to 20 years. How old is this pope? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Did you hear he went to Villanova? Did he? Wow.

It's kind of funny to imagine you and the pope sort of at a frat party. He played with Jalen Brunson. How insane is that? He shot 42% from three. Whoa. And now he's the fucking head of the Catholic Church. Really good.

Uh, okay. Uh, when ordering, oh wait, I forgot to write that down. Although you're gonna send it to me. Yeah, I'll send it to you. For the draft, I don't think we should be writing things down. It's too cumbersome. When ordering any drink, you have to ask for it with room, like it's a cool new fun thing to say,

like it's a secret password. Oh, interesting. So even at like a diner, if you say, can I get a Diet Coke with room? It sucks. I have to explain it to so many people. Okay, once a day, you have to go up to an attractive stranger and say, hubba hubba.

Within reason. Within reason, until there's a new pope. Eight or better. Hubba hubba. You have to download and use Bumble and have a profile that says, I'm just here to make friends. Only one picture and it's a shirtless one. And your name on there should be Daniel Day Jewish and your profile bio reads

you're basically JD Vance with a six pack. That's awesome. And I have to make a friend that's into that. Yeah. Speaking of six packs, uh, you have six pack abs, but you also have a three inch Audiy belly button. Mm, rock soft. That's more of a would you do that, but okay, let's add it for the rancor.

Yeah. You have a clit coming out of your abs, but you're shredded. Whenever somebody asks for your name, you have to say chief. Then if they can't hear you, you need to say your real name after that, within reason. That's kind of a nice little out. So I can whisper Chief. They say what? I say Jake.

Jake, I said. Yeah. All right, that's nice. You get to play a celebrity basketball tournament on the same team as LeBron James, but you are not allowed to pass to him. And he won't know what's happening. The crowd won't know what's happening.

He'll be calling for the ball and you'll have to take it yourself or find another open man. That's how Russell Westford plays actual basketball. That's right. You need to eat one full carrot a day. That's not bad. Like a big carrot, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, maybe I should do that anyway. You win a Webby Award for lifetime achievement on the internet, but with your five-word speech, you have to say, long live my Christian come. You need to have a sticker on your neck when you leave the house. Band-aids don't count. Every day? Within reason. You have to Venmo request your most recent ex $250 a week for quote therapy sessions, LOL. Two Boston Celtic car flags on your car. One of them on the passenger side window so you can never roll it down.

Wow. That's rough. I love rolling that window down. I love the Celtics. You have a private chef who makes lunch every day. That's great. But you have to, you have to carry it to work in and eat it out of a shoebox. You have to host a monthly game night

with five different couples every month. Oh, that's awful. You have to get a tattoo of the last thing you ate. So it's locked into what I'm eating right now or I can eat a banana on the way to. No, like right now, yeah. So it's the last thing you eat. I guess plantain chips. Okay, so yeah, plantain, it's close to a banana for sure.

Not quite. A plantain chip. You need to install a urinal in your house. Love that. You attend the Met Gala, but as the carpet. So, like do I walk the carpet. Like do I walk the carpet dressed in carpet or? You are the carpet. So Spike Lee would sort of walk on my face.

You show up first. You are the carpet. The celebrities walk on you. Having had. Having will have. All right, I'm on my last one. Okay. You need to be flustered and say, whoa, technical difficulties before talking to any healthcare worker,

regardless of how many times you've spoken to them. Jesus, like when I start talking or anytime they ask me a question. Anytime within that conversation with a doctor, dentist, nurse, therapist, physical therapist, stuff like that. So the dentist says, how often are you flossing? I say, whoa, technical difficulties.

I'm flossing once a week. Yeah, but you need to say that every time they ask. Right, and then she would say, but then she would be like, okay, and do you have a water pick? Would I say technical difficulties or is this conversation started? That conversation is still continuous.

So you don't have to say it again. You have to say it next time you talk to them. All right. You have to sell all of your belongings on Facebook marketplace, taking the first offer no matter what it is. Ooh, that one's tough. Okay.

So let's send these to each other. We have 20. Yeah. I'll take a look at all 20 at the same time and we can start just fantasy drafting these after this break break I guess. Okay. Thank you to Draft Kings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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expire in 14 days. Limited time offer terms at pick six dot draft kings dot com slash promos. Duh. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Yes, yes, yes. I love you. You sleep on a Helix mattress, Jake. Sure do. I sure do. And?

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Once again, helixsleep.com slash segments. Thanks Helix. And we're back. Yo, yo, uh, there's one I forgot. Yeah. This is crazy. I've never forgotten a ranker. Yeah.

I mean, we don't play it that much. This is the first time, right? Right. Um, Jesus. I don't even know even know if I can say it at this point or if it's like, has it been disqualified? I think we're making the rules up as we go along. Is this a DQ or will you allow me to read it now? Oh yeah, sure actually, it's a DQ.

It's a DQ. I win. We don't have anything else to do. Thanks for asking. You can only tip with quarters. Okay. So you pay for stuff at a kiosk or a cafe or a haircut, but you can only tip in quarters. Right.

Um, okay. Let's flip a coin. I'm, I went to, oh, wow. If you just Google search, flip a coin. Uh, it will, it'll flip a little coin for you. That's kind of neat. Interesting. Uh, heads or tails.

Let's go tails. Cause's kind of neat. Interesting. Heads or tails? Let's go tails, cause tails never fails. It is, it's tails. And it didn't fail. Interesting, very interesting. I want the LeBron one. I do want to play basketball with LeBron. Okay.

That's my first pick. At the end, he will be upset with you. That's okay. I fucking met LeBron and I played basketball with him. That's awesome. You didn't give him an assist. Doesn't matter. He might've given me one.

He's upset, okay. And what if I do like a pull up the range transition and nail it and then me and LeBron sort of do like a celly together. Like we hit the freezer, the Ronaldo in unison. It would actually like hurt more. Cause you say you do the, the Ronaldo, you go, you run to the corner of the court, you go sweet.

Yeah. And then in transition, he calls for the ball, calls for the return play thinking, oh, he's heating up. Now we're going to do it. Now we're really a team. Yeah. You can't. You have to drive to the hoop by yourself. Brick it off. Maybe I'll get the tattoo then.

OK, that's that's that one is yours. I never went pick off the board. I think maybe mine is this urinal situation. You're intrigued? Yeah, I mean, it seems kind of convenient. Where would you put it? In the basement. What?

In the basement. Out in the open? In case I'm ever down there working on stuff. I mean, that's the point of a urinal. It can kind of be in the open. It gives you that little shroud of privacy. Not really. It's sort of just like this little spoon trough.

Fine, I'll take a carrot. What? I'll do the carrots. That's too late. I'll do the carrot. It's really too late. You want that? Did I lock that in? Yes. Okay.

Fine. I'll take the urinal. Now it's time for my second pick. Now it's getting interesting. The carrot one sounds pretty dope actually. I mean, arguably it's good for us, but I don't want to have to deal with the logistics of having it. Um, you just buy carrots for the week. I'll do the private show. I mean, arguably it's good for us. But I don't want to have to deal with the logistics

of having it. You can just buy carrots for the week. I'll do the private chef one and get used to the shoe box. That way I played hoops with LeBron, I take out the shoe box. Yeah. It's fucking pho, homemade pho,

which is pretty dope. You can't, it's the same shoe box. So it's getting really nasty. You have to find a way to clean it every single day. The chef will deal with that. No, the chef is a chef, not a maid. And my compliments to the chef. I might take this sticker on your neck,

because I can take it off when you get home. You just have to leave the house with a sticker can take it off when you get home. The house with a sticker. Yeah. No, not when I get home. The wording of this is leave. You have to leave the house with a sticker on your neck. And that's every day until the new Pope. You need to have any sticker on your neck

when leaving the house. Yes. But I don't need to have it when I return to the house. I walk down my stoop, I take the sticker off. I put it in my backpack for tomorrow. It's gonna get really unsticked. Yeah, but I'll just deal with that when it comes. Okay.

Trying to think if I should choose any of my own. Right now we're only sort of choosing each other's, which is not necessarily the whole point of this dual ranker. Not a great strategy. Yeah. Uh, I'll go the chief route because people can't really hear my name anyway. Oh yeah.

Right. So like at stores or in parties, whenever I say, Hey, Amir, they'll they think I'm saying, hey, I'm here. Yeah. Or hey, I'm here. Right. So then sometimes I say, hey, and they go, hi, I'm Ryan. And I go, I'm Amir.

And they say, I'm Amir, your name is Amir. And then I say, I'm gonna fucking shoot everyone in this place. Whoa. I'm gonna take an AR-15 and mow everybody down. Jesus Christ. That's. Jesus Christ, man. That's my, oh, sorry. You're right.

My name's Chief. It's Chief. Yeah. That's awesome. I guess I might just, I also kind of don't hate downloading Bumble and having a profile that says, I'm here to make friends and that my name is Daniel Day Jewish. God, you like that? You don't think that's kind of embarrassing?

The one picture is shirtless though. Yeah, and you said I'd have to download and use it, but I don't have to meet anybody, right? No, it's just an app that you use. You don't have to meet anybody. So it's kind of passive. Oh, what's the last thing? Maybe I'll get a tattoo of the last thing I ate.

Oh no, I had a muscle milk. I had an onion. Well, that's a drink. That's true, it was a lot of protein. I guess it would be eggs. That's kind of sick actually. That's how you should have covered up the tribal sun on your ankle.

Right, just turned it into scrambled eggs. Yeah, or a fried egg. I guess maybe I'll do, um, selling my belongings. It's kind of interesting. Therapeutic. Yeah. I don't hate decluttering. Maybe, maybe only tipping with quarters. Cause it's not great, but if I just get like big rolls of quarters, I can get mad at that.

Like you can be, how many, how much cash is it is in one of those rolls of quarters? I think it's 20 quarters. So like four bucks, maybe it's 24 quarters. It's like four or five bucks. Yeah. That's kind of nice. Just a buck and roll of quarters. I know yet it's 20 quarters or five bucks. Yeah, that's kind of nice. Just a fucking roll of quarters.

Oh no, yeah, it's 20 quarters, so that's $5. Five bucks. A $5 for a little metal cylinder. That's kind of nice. Yeah, and if I go to get my haircut, usually tipping like 20 bucks, so it'd be four rolls of quarters. That's pretty dense and heavy, but that's a nice tip.

Yeah. Is that like, even at restaurants, if I go out to eat and it's like a $300 meal? Quarters. All quarter tip. It'll get heavy when I'm going out. Right. But I guess maybe I can always just be like,

I'll ask someone else to pay and I'll Venmo them. And then that's kind of a way around it. Yeah. Unless it's like a personal expenditure where you have to tip. Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna take, I'm gonna lock in quarters. Okay. That's kind of a way around it. Yeah, unless it's like a personal expenditure where you have to tip. Yeah, okay, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna lock in quarters. Okay, that's kind of annoying. I'd rather say, whoa, technical difficulties

before talking to my doctor. Cause it's like, you know, once every few months to a year. So he probably won't remember I'm making the same jokes over and over. Honestly, I borderline do this. After the second time, he'll definitely remember, I think. It's like the laissez faire at one from last episode. Yeah.

Okay. Did you do sell all your belongings or were you just considering it? I did not do it. I was considering it. It was on the docket as was the tattoo. Definitely. Things are getting harder.

Yeah, definitely. Don't wanna say hubba hubba or talk to this waiter. Maybe with room, maybe bumble. Have we done the carrot? You took chief, right? Yeah, I took chief. Have you taken carrot? I don't think so.

So I'll take carrot. Full carrot every day. I'll take carrot. Yeah, that's not ideal, but. Not embarrassing. Ultimately, yeah. It's basically like, yeah. I have to take a vitamin.

Just the really long orange vitamin. Yeah. I don't mind the Webby Award Lifetime Achievement because people might remember the award, but not the weird joke I make at the acceptance speech. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, and you'll have the award. Long live my Christian.

Oh, that was weird, but it was cool that he won an award. Right, and maybe everyone will just kind of assume that it was like an inside joke from something. Like, oh, he's a internet comedian. Maybe that was like, that must be a meme. That must be like a TikTok that he made. No, no, it wasn't a TikTok.

Well, it will be now. Okay, your turn. The thing is I really, I don't mind the Boston Celtics as a team, but I am rooting for the Knicks right now. So it's hard for me to choose this one. And I guess like driving around New York with two Celtics flags would not be like super enjoyable for me.

No. I'm gonna leave that. Carpet tattoo, Van Mowing, the long belly button. I'm so not into this monthly game night, but like it would probably be healthy for me to like be more social. Yeah. So it's like a way of getting out of your comfort zone.

Yeah, it's almost like a resolution. Like I'm gonna see my friends more, which I don't. So I, five different couples, it's just a lot of people. That's like 10 people over my house once a month. Yeah, new people too. It has to be different couples, brand new couples. Yes. Nevermind them out, absolutely out.

I'll do the abs and the belly button. I'll just, I'll tuck it. You can't tuck it. I'll wear high-waisted jeans. You have a fucking tuck it. You have a loose battery coming out of your fucking abs. You can't tuck, what are you gonna tuck it into? I'll pull up my pants really high

and I'll tuck the belly button right under the drawstring. Okay, but when you're like showering and stuff, it's a dangly little baby carrot. Yeah, I mean, I'll get used to it. Okay. I'll get used to it. It's an appendage, it's a phalange. My last carpet just went viral.

That's right. I'm going to the Met. I'm going to the Met. I am the carpet and people are gonna be talking about it online. Yeah. Basically the gist of my little tenor is that I'm doing things that'll make me famous

or hang out with famous people at a cost. Yeah, right. So like you'll see LeBron. Yes. And he'll go to Dap U Up, but you'll just fall down and become the carpet. Correct. You'll unroll yourself for him.

Correct. Okay. I think I'll do, I'm going to do Bumble, because I can just kind of do that passively on my couch. That's nice. Okay. And I will do the waiter joke because it's kind of embarrassing,

but ultimately not, it's not in bad faith. Like going up to someone and saying hubba hubba would be like, I'm putting that on somebody. And it's like, I don't want to scare any hot person. Yeah, right. That's true. Maybe you could do, maybe there's a way around this hubba hubba

if you do it to like something that they're holding, like you see an attractive person walking a dog, you say hubba hubba. That's a, that's a good looking pooch. You know? Yeah. Is that what you want to do? No, no, it's not. I want to get my drink with the room is what I want to do.

Okay. Uh, not a lot of good ones left. I don't want to Venmo request my ex every week. Yeah. Really uncomfortable. But do I want to fucking tattoo of plantain chips? I can get it like sort of hidden on my like ass. So nobody sees it, right?

You can get it right on the hole. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let me do a goat sea into a plantainship ink. I like that. And that'll be hidden when I'm the carpet. It'll be hidden during the LeBron thing. It's basically fine. Yeah.

And ultimately if anyone sees a plantain on your ass, it's kind of like an interesting. Yeah. It's a statement piece. Correct. I can't believe that I wanna sell all of my belongings before I host a game night, but I think I do. Okay, that's good. I think I will purge my life.

Yeah, literally all of your belongings. Yeah, I will get rid of literally everything I own before I make a new friend. Men will sell their entire wardrobe instead of going to therapy. Yeah. That's good because I was sort of keeping the game night thing knowing that it doesn't really bother me that much, hoping that you wouldn't draft it. So I'm okay with the game night, actually. They're fun while they're happening. They're just kind of annoying to plan. Yeah, yeah.

You dread them. You say, we're never doing this again. Then it happens. You say, I had a great time. You get really competitive. We should do this more. Do you get competitive during game nights? Or do you sort of do the fake competitive thing

where it's like, it doesn't really bother me, but deep down inside, you're kind of annoyed. I think I do. I get like very competitive in the moment, but as soon as it's over, I feel nothing. Like I don't harbor any competitiveness. Yeah. Remember the lonely and horny episode where we're doing cards against humanity? Oh, yeah. What happened? That's with- It's like nobody chooses- It's with Chris Smith. It's like nobody chooses my card.

And you don't think he's being funny? Yeah, he's like, I'm like, you're underselling it. You're not reading it with the same vigor. Anyway, that's how I actually am during game nights. Yeah, you get so heated. It like almost comes to... It doesn't actually break out into a fight, but you like threaten him. Correct.

Do you have a problem with me? I have to go watch that. Okay, so hubba hub, we're down to hubba hubba therapy sessions and Celtics flags. Wow, the three least desirable things. I guess I'll go, I might go, God, I really hate, I do hate stuff. I don't wanna have anything on my car.

Or your conscience. Yeah, I'm trying to think who was my last ex before Jillian. It's fine. Oh, I know who it is. Shh. Yeah, I think I would do the Venmo request. If you don't clean your phone of all your contacts, which I don't do, if you go to Venmo,

you'll see Venmo transactions of exes and girls you got one number from and friends you had in high school. It's just like, it's all out there. The phone is a very weird, yeah. It's a weird place because now at this point, we've had it for 20 years and I've amassed, and like I used to put in my contacts

and now I don't really put in contacts because you know, you get texts from random people all the time. You're on a group thread where you don't know anybody. Sometimes Apple says, this is maybe David. And- That's good enough. Right, so like all of the people I text all the time,

I like barely have their contact. And then I have like the contact of somebody that we met in South by eight years ago. Yeah. And then if you go to Venmo, you could see like, oh, that guy just Venmo'd someone $50. Yeah, for Snowflake, you know he's on a Coke vendor. Uh, which one did you do?

Venmo request? Yeah, I did Venmo request. So that leaves Celtics and Hubba Hubba. Two not great ones. I mean, to have a Celtic flag on, two Celtic flags on my car as a Laker fan is pretty non. It's really bad. I mean, imagine becoming friends with LeBron.

He forgives you for not dishing it out to him. He walks on your face at the Met Gala. He gets a matching goatsie plantain tattoo on his anus, and then he invites you over and you have to drive up with a car that has two Celtics flags. I think I got to go hubba hubba. At this point? And at that point, it's like immersion therapy. It's like a way of like breaking the ice for strangers,

getting out of my social anxiety a little bit. Treat it like you didn't treat the game night thing. Yeah, and right. But for me, this is my, I've sold all of my stuff. I have nothing except for these two flags that I keep one behind the car and one on the passenger side window so Jill can't get fresh air. It's boiling hot.

You can roll down your window, but everyone else has to suffer with AC. Yeah. Okay, that was it. That was kind of fun. Like I didn't realize that that was our first double ranking rancor draft special. And it almost feels like that's the game. Do you know? Right. That was our first double ranking Ranker draft special.

And it almost feels like that's the game. Do you know? Right. Like now that- Doesn't that feel like the game? Right, like Ranker should be that by default. Yeah, right. This feels right.

We did a beta Ranker run. And the other stuff is some sort of light version of Ranker. Yeah. Yeah, but the game needs to be 20 with some sort of alternating draft. Ranker draft. We were playing ranker light, but rancor draft is good. Dranker basically, a drafting rancor.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, cool. All done. Let's take another break. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Right on. It's interesting to imagine that some people

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Not the second part. You don't do any insight. I constantly get people coming up to me, even strangers. You mostly keep people at an arms distance and kind of disassociate and make jokes. Which is really important for patient confidentiality. They think that I'm a lockbox, I guess. Right.

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I wanted to discuss something that's happening on our Reddit, which I, it seems like it's been going on for a few weeks, maybe. I'm not sure, maybe a few days. I take full responsibility for everything I said on there, and I'm not here to apologize publicly, but just know I feel like shit for what's going on there. Is that what you're talking about? A lot of RFK stuff. Yeah. No, this there's like D&D character

alignments. Oh, that thing. Yeah, let's talk about that. Okay. So the alignments are kind of your, it's like your moral compass. There's lawful good, neutral good, chaotic good, lawful neutral, true neutral, chaotic neutral, lawful evil, neutral evil, and chaotic evil. Okay. I don't know, like what's, Sauron. Sauron is like lawful evil, I think. So what is that? I don't know what that is.

Just like, okay, well, you know what Sauron is? Forget it. Okay, oh, the, you know what Sauron is? Forget it. Okay, oh, the Joker. The Joker is chaotic evil. These are like your- Agents of chaos and also bad. Your guiding principles.

Bat and Batman lawful good. He does the right thing even when it's hard to do. He won't break his one rule, et cetera, et cetera. I see. So the Jake and Amir fan community has gotten together and I guess like ranked all of the characters to vote them for all of the alignments. Do you wanna go through them?

Okay, so we have nine characters for this three by three grid. Yeah, have you, you have not seen it at all? No. Okay, let's go through. Lawful good. Who does the right thing all the time? I see now it's Ed Helms' Mickey. You're supposed to guess.

This should be the game that you would guess. Yeah, I would never guess. And now you've seen everything. I'm just out looking at this point. Yeah, Ed Helms' Mickey, indeed. Mickey does everything. He is gullible, he is kind, and you take advantage of him. So I have to be on the other end.

I feel like I have to be chaotic evil is me on the phone with Mickey. Yeah, I think you're the joker in this situation. And actually today is the day they're voting on chaotic evil. And it seems like- It's gonna be me. Yeah, it actually, it absolutely does.

Neutral good, that is just like, you know, I just do the right thing because it's what I happen to believe in, you know? That's Sarah. Classic. She doesn't do anything bad, but she's not, you know, constantly being taken advantage of. Right. Chaotic good.

Streeter. I'm not really sure why, but I also don't really know what chaotic good means. Some would argue the Joker is chaotic good. The Joker would argue that. I'm trying to think if there's a character in Jake and Amir that's more chaotic good. Dubs? I guess maybe, honestly maybe.

Or maybe one of the Ben Schwartz characters. Right. Although they're all seemingly chaotic evil too in their own way. Yeah. Or chaotic neutral. Is there a chaotic neutral? Oh, what about Dan? Dan Klein. He's sort of a weirdo who comes in. Oh yeah. Right. Yeah.

It could be Dan. Or maybe Mike Chauvin from the Office. yeah, right. Yeah, it could be, yeah, it could be Dan. Or maybe Mike Shawbon from the office. That's right. Office move. He was a happy boy. Lawful, neutral, aloof. Yeah. That's Ricky.

Yeah, he's sort of in charge. If you're gonna do this, don't do this. But also, he's not exceptionally great or bad. True neutral, Shia the Beef, AKA Mike Fink. He's a tough fool, man. That feels very right. I just carry him around. He's a exceptionally great or bad. True neutral, Shia the beef, AKA Mike fake. He's a tough fool man. He feels very right. I just carry him around. He's a saltine.

He just corrects me if I misspeak, but he doesn't do anything exceptional in either direction. The chaotic neutral is Ben Schwartz. And I guess that's true. He's just, he's pure chaos. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Right. Lawful evil Murph, who is always hell bent on violence.

Seems good. That one's to choose the violent path every time. Of course. Neutral evil, I've been voted neutral evil. But in like a corduroy pant episode. Right, yeah. So I guess that's just like, I'm just predisposed to be a shit head when I have low self-esteem

and then chaotic evil. I think it seems like it's gonna be you. It's funny because of the two characters that are supposed to be diametrically opposed, it's actually neutral evil versus chaotic evil. We're both evil, you're slightly more neutral. Right, we do wind each other up. Yeah, yeah, is it too late to vote on these?

I feel like- Definitely too late. You could almost do like different versions of Jake or different versions of me throughout this matrix. That's true, yeah, they should do that next. Or Ben Schwartz characters, because there's more than nine. Yeah.

Like the office interrogator too is chaotic evil. Right, right, but real estate agent is probably chaotic good. Cause ultimately he is just trying to help us find a house, whether it be a muffin or not. Right. Exactly. Yeah. He's never neutral though. It's always chaos.

Yeah, I guess we only write more, we write more chaotic characters than lawful characters. Yeah. Yeah. we only write more chaotic characters than lawful characters. Yeah. Yeah. So when you're doing this for D&D, you have to create your own thing or just sort of happens organically? I think both. There's different players that do different things.

Some players will like choose their alignment because it helps them with their role play to be like, all right, my character will always do this in these given in these situations. Other people are just like, I'm gonna play my character how always do this in these given, in these situations. Other people are just like, I'm gonna play my character how it feels right. And then kind of assign, you know, more similar to what we did with Jake and Amir.

Like we didn't write those characters to be chaotic evil. We just wrote them and then realized afterwards that that is their alignment. Right. So it's not like something you have to decide beforehand. Not always, unless you want to. That's the beauty of D&D. I feel like I'm ready to dungeon master at the very least for a pretty exclusive

high-ranking campaign. Is that nuts? I would love that. Yeah, I mean, I've just spent the last three months DMing. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do improv wise. Took countless hours just plugging away, days speeding by me as I sat with my laptop writing more than I've ever written. But yeah, I would love, I mean, I'll play in your game. Can you imagine a world where it's like the 90s and you put in this much work just to like do this

with your friends for fun? Yeah. It seems like it's been the 90s and you put in this much work just to like do this with your friends for fun. It seems like it's been a part-time job for you. Yeah, yeah. I mean, DMing is a... If you've got a friend group that plays D&D and you have a DM that always DMs, just go give them a hug because it's tireless work.

Why don't you tip them about 25 rolls a quarters? Yeah, and it should be in 25 cent pieces. Get some rolls, make sure they're brown paper. Squeeze their cheeks, give them a hubba hubba. Call it a day. Yeah. All right, that was fun. Sure was.

Okay, good playing, good chatting, good talking. Thanks for listening. Thank you. For more of us, you can see us on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. That's right, we're watching Jake and Amir videos there. We did a live stream recently, we were talking to some fans, that's been fun.

Yes, sure was. That was relatively easy, we could probably just do that again. We should. And actually, I think I shouted out for people to write to, or you told people to write to my sub stack to like set them up on dates. Which was our other idea.

Have people been writing in? I got one or two. I got one or two. Yeah, so I can unearth those if we try to do it again. Do you have tomorrow's stack ready to go? I've been plugging away at something. Holy shit. Yeah.

Oh yeah. You're fucking magnum opus. I might change it though. Of course No, I'm not sure. Yeah, I never really know Okay. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye everybody. Bye That was a head gum original Hey, I'm Tony Hale I'm Matt Oberg and. And I'm Kristin Schall. And we're going to be hosting the new podcast, The Extraordinarians, where we are going to be interviewing extraordinary people, doing extraordinary things, things that we have never and probably will never do.

We talk to people who have broken records on slacklines suspended by hot air balloons. Yep. We're talking to people who have done multiple flips on trampolines. You'll have to tune in to find out how many flips they did. Subscribe to Extraordinarians on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch videos. There's new episodes that we release every Wednesday. We do.

I've never seen you cry before. I know. I don't know how I feel about that. This is upsetting for all of us. They don't let us pray for lunch. They do. The podcast is so competitive, they make you just talk and talk.

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