If I Were You - 78: Steroids (with Rick Fox And Kyle Fox)

Episode Date: May 19, 2014

Three time NBA Champion Rick Fox and his son join us to discuss performance enhancing drugs, condoms, and canine theft.This episode is brought to you by Audible.com -- the worlds largest selection of audio books. Support our show and get your first book FOR FREE by clicking here: http://bit.ly/1jL8RLXSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Take care of the mirror here Listen to the snow If I were you Walk what I do Listen to the song that you came for More listen to those Take care of the mirror the only ones That too can depend on

Listen to the snow that you came for More listen to those Take care of the mirror the only ones That too can depend on If I gave you two guesses as to where that fan lives What would you say? I would say Iceland. That's correct. Iceland is correct.

Is that true? Yes. Fuck yeah, I knew it. His or her name is Igel Sigur Svincian. Yes. And they're from Iceland. His name sounds like the song. Yeah.

Rick Fox is here. I know someone from Iceland. Who? Miss... I used to call her Icy. Bjork. I don't know. Not Bjork.

I just like to imagine a world where you call Bjork Icy. Yeah, her name was Burglund. Burglund? Yeah, look her up. How did you meet her? I met her here in Hollywood. Oh, cool. Yes.

I think it was a party somewhere here in Hollywood. It was long ago. Yeah. I can understand why you called her Icy. Because Burglund's the worst name I've ever heard in my life. She changed her name to Icy. Her name was Icy and she was beautiful. She was incredible.

Tall. She's probably like 5, 10. Yeah, the shortest. I think she was Miss Iceland. Oh, shit, really? Yeah. When we were in Iceland, every girl I saw in Iceland was either the most beautiful girl I've ever seen or a potato.

Or a potato. Or they were a potato with eyes. It was either the most beautiful girl I've ever seen or an Icelandic gentleman. Right. There was no difference. But that was a nice intro. Yeah. That was really a nice intro.

I loved it. That was part of our Icy. Yeah. They have a YouTube channel. This person does. I don't know if it's a band or a solo act, but it's youtube.com slash the adiode. What? T-H-E-A-D-I-O-D-E.

Got it. So if you like music from Iceland, every music from Iceland sounds like that. Perfect. That's what it sounds like when Kyle lifts your mouth. Yeah, I'm also here. Yeah, sorry about that. You only introduced his dad. His daddy.

I thought we were going to be cool in here, but this is... Yeah, I guess. I apologize. Jake's dad is also here. We haven't introduced him yet either. Yeah, but he's not going to speak to me. Are you dad? That's what you get for not signing him up with a credit card for college.

That's what you get. My dad and Kobe Bryant just sitting over there in the corner, stewing together. Never say a word on the podcast. That was his deep pull. That was like an episode eight pull that Kobe Bryant is always on the podcast. I think we've set it on two episodes now. So now this is the third. This makes it official.

So Kyle, you not only have submitted a question of your own once, but you've listened to every episode of ours. I don't want to freak you out, but I've listened to every episode at least three times because I listened to it once and then I listened to it again. Freaking me out. But it's so sad because you show up and I'm like, how am I going to tell these people that I've listened to not only every episode, but multiple times on every episode? You're going to tell us on air during the podcast.

Yeah, I mean, this feels right. I love it. After I prodded him too. So Rick, just in case you haven't listened to every episode three times, which I'm sure you do. Only twice, only twice. I actually just like to cut in. He's lying.

He's never listened to the podcast. I tried to put it on. On the way here, he said, no, God damn it, Kyle. I'm trying to drive. I like the spot maybe. I said, I want to be able to not prepare myself for the questions. Well, let's have, let's have Kyle explain it to his dad then. Yeah.

How does the show work? Oh, you're, you're putting me on the spot here. This is putting you on the spot. Not to put you on blast. Yeah. You're a, I don't know. Okay. We, we, okay.

We, it's me and Eric Kyle. We, we get questions from people who they email in at, if I were you show at gmail.com. Wow. And I know, right? And then we, we give advice and it's not always good, but we at least try to be funny. I mean, What else can you say? That was perfect.

You're on the show now. I'll host it with, I'll host it with Kyle. Be careful. Turn lightly. He won't leave. I will be on the show. As long as you're willing to do all the work that Amir does, which is just reading the questions, recording the podcast, editing the podcast, posting the podcast, promoting

the podcast and reaching out to sponsors, then I'm willing to take you on as my partner because you have everything else. Yeah. Height. Just in case we ever form a basketball team. I would like to take this time. Jake, what do you do here? You're looking at it.

I just sort of interrupt and I needle Amir and I compliment you. You handsome. You handsome. You devil. Gentlemen. I wanted to follow up with Kyle's question, but maybe we'll do that during the break. Yeah, it's definitely a break thing. Let's get to actually answering some of these people's questions.

These are real emails from real people, Rick Fox. From Iceland? They're not necessarily from Iceland. From other places in the world? I wonder if we're popular in Iceland. We should go back and do a live podcast in Iceland. Yeah, but not in Reykjavik either. So this first email is from a lady.

So we have to give her a fake name. Is there a, you want to come up with fake names for us? Yeah. I like that. So you came up with a fake name for Berglund. Yeah. So we know he's good. There absolutely needs to be a theme though.

Yeah. So you can do like, I don't know, ladies who went to college with. Oh yeah. How many questions do we get? 10,000? Yes. You don't have to use real full names, but you know, some sort of ladies name. Nickname.

Whatever. We'll start with Kristin. All right. Kristin. I know I started with Kristin. I'm sorry. Last name. We're FOMA.

No, no, no. Yeah. Well, I'm going to, after we're done recording, I'm going to want to know the last name of FOMA so I can look her up. This one's a doctor of pharmacy. Wow. She's actually like a brainiac. She made something of herself.

Yeah. She sure did. Unlike you. So I guess we have the upper hand. We're smart now. All right. Kristin writes, Hey guys, I have a little problemo on my hands. I recently found out that my boyfriend is doing steroids before we dated.

He was lanky and scrawny, but then he started to go to the gym and I became more attractive to how buff he was. And I dated him and now we're in a serious relationship. One of his gym friends recently told me that the way he got good looking and muscly is by using steroids and that he is still using them. Should I confront him and tell him to stop or pretend that I don't know and let him keep doing it? I really like his muscles and I'm scared that I won't be as attracted to him if he

becomes scrawny again, but I've heard that drugs can sometimes ruin sex lives. What should I do? Please help. Thanks, Kristin. So just so we're clear, all of her concerns are for her, right? Yeah. Well, I like his muscles and I don't want him to be scrawny, but if he keeps doing steroids, I'm afraid the sex won't be as good for me.

Yeah. For me, me, me. Right. What is best for me? Kristin was like that in college, too. This actually is Kristin. I didn't take any performance in nursing drugs in college, so I won't be in danger of not making a major league hall of fame, but.

Yeah. Is that an issue for college athletes and or professional athletes? Not that I'm aware of. I think for professional athletes, they. But like in other sports, it seems more prevalent. That are maybe faced with the challenge of staying in the league or progressing in the league. So you may make poor decisions and head the direction of performing PEDs, as we call.

See, we call them PEDs. Oh, yeah, very cool. We call them steroids. We call them PEDs. That's cool. But I think that's the problem. That's the problem that Kristin's worried about, performance, erection, dysfunction. Oh, yeah.

With the steroids. PED indeed. I like that. PED indeed. But that would be one of the main reasons, other than I just wouldn't have known where to get them from and I necessarily didn't need them. So you would have done them? No, I wouldn't have done them.

Well, let me be clear. I wanted them. I just didn't know where to find them. When I was in high school, a bunch of people started doing steroids. But everyone was so lazy that they just got fat. They were just doing steroids and not lifting. So they were just. Yeah, expecting it to be like you take the steroids and then just instantly a six-fat

grows. Yeah. Popeye eating spinach. They're like, no, a muscly. That's not how. You have to lift obsessively. Yeah, I wonder what steroids does anatomically. Does it just make muscle grow faster?

I don't know. I have fucking. I plead the fifth. I have no idea. All I know is that it makes your head bigger for one. It makes your testicles grow. Yeah, head grows and you're, yeah. Yeah.

And you get back ring, right? Right. The worst side effect of all is it's on your back, God forbid. So you're big and muscly, but your penis is shriveled and unusable. So it's like, why did I get muscles? Because now I can't use my penis. I think we need to get back to the fact that this person is just awful in general. Oh, yeah.

Let's bring that up. He was lanky and losery and then he got buff and now I'm attracted to him. The way he did it was a little suspect and I don't know whether to dump him or not. But not because she's concerned about like steroids can cause a heart attack basically, right? They are very unhealthy. Yeah. You can easily lead your death.

Yes, but she's just worried about it leading to a low libido. Do we have any advice for this person? I think we just, I think we just have to scold her. I just put this person on a full blast. A full 100% blast. I don't know what. Turn the mics up. Well, Kristen.

Let's just go around the room saying, Kristen, how dare you? I'll start since it brought up a lot of feelings for me. Wow. You're talking to the actual Kristen. Kristen, how dare you? Kristen, how dare you? Kristen, how dare you? Kristen, good work.

Whoa. She knows what she wants. You're scrawny and lanky and you've been lifting and now you're getting bigger. Yeah, but I'm bigger in a still lanky way. I see. That's what you want to be though. I'm not actually gaining weight. They don't want the jakes.

Oh. What do you mean the jakes? Am I, are you saying I'm too bulky? Too buff? Yeah, a little bit too much. I'm too muscley. Yeah. You get that a lot.

You get that a lot, don't you? Do you think the three of us could beat up your dad if all three of us? I myself could beat up my dad. No way. Oh, maybe I could see that. I've been taking martial arts for eight years. All right, fine. You and your dad versus me in a mirror.

Do you think? We would absolutely lose. Ask him how many times he's tried to beat me up. How many times have you tried to beat your dad up? Zero. I have no idea what he's talking about. Oh, because he, oh shit. Well, he's got the height.

That's it. You've got the height and the reach. That's right. He knows better. I feel like Rick, you're the only professional athlete that's lost weight since he retired from basketball. That is funny that you say that because it's a recent occurrence. You're in better shape now than you were when you played basketball for a living.

I definitely was when I first retired the first few years. I think I could have been a fitness model. And then I don't know why, maybe because I didn't have to go play games all the time and recovery on my own. And you were just working out? So I just work it out every day. Playing golf, working out and clubbing out. Clubbing out.

Clubbing out. That's where I met Berglund. I see. What up, baby? But other than that, yeah, you don't, your life as a professional athlete when you're playing is filled with responsibility to actually show up and compete. Right. And the level at which you're competing is so intense that the recovery finds you just

laid out in beds, eating food and just. Well, that's why a bunch of athletes, like they come back in September or I'm talking about basketball players, they come back in September and October out of shape. And then they play that. That's what they said about Shaq. He plays his way into shape by the time the playoffs. He was just talking about that with me the other day. We were in.

You talked to Shaq? I talked to him. The diesel? The diesel. Sir. The diesel and I were talking about Turner. They were, they were covering the NBA finals. Yeah.

The playoffs action of finals yet, but, and we were watching the game. We were recanting some of our memories from our days together playing and he would say, you, he said to me, so you remember when I used to like to come in and, and you know, training camp and kind of work my way into shape. And I was like, yeah, no, I remember. It pissed a lot of people off. Whatever. It pissed them off so much they gave me a hundred and twenty eight million dollars.

Yeah, exactly. I guess as long as you're playing good in April, it doesn't matter how fat you are in October. That's that, you know, for some people that can, you know, to him, he could get away with that. Yeah. But obviously the bad, it was a bad example for, for the young players that don't have his talent. Right.

And it would actually really, really annoy Kobe to say the least because Kobe worked around the clock. Kobe, what do you think? Kobe, we got it right here. Kobe and my dad are both shaking their heads. All right. They don't want to, they don't want to talk. I'm climbing up.

Yeah. That's the problem when fat, when non good players become fat, then you're really fucked. Yeah. Yeah. And that happens a lot, unfortunately. It does. I hate to bring this back to the question, guys, but oh, sorry, we're talking about Shaq. We're trying to put Shaq on blast.

We would never. Let's at least, let's at least give an answer so we can move on. I mean, we're on the pocket. We're on the pocket. Let's focus, people. We had a fun little time. I'm literally the guest. I don't know why I'm wrangling you guys in.

Like hearing your dad talk about basketball is maybe the most, like the most interesting thing in the world for me. Yeah. And it's like the most boring thing for me. It is the most boring thing for me. Come on, dude, don't even know a Christian in a relationship. Dad, we're talking about Shaq. Who cares what he was saying?

Shaq, Kobe, whatever, whatever. What would Shaq say? You've been hearing that since I was three. I have, actually. That's a true fact. We had the championship parade, the first one in 2000. Yeah, I was there. You were there.

I took Kyle to join me. This is the best story. And he was there and he had won it. How old were you? Seven? No, you were like, you were five? No, I was maybe five. You were six.

You were six. All right, because you were born in 94. He was six. And we're having this massive parade and we're up on the stage and Shaq's, you know, can you dig it? All this stuff is going on. And the confetti's coming down and I can't find my son. And he's behind running around the confetti sliding all over the place, right?

Fast forward. This becomes a regular occurrence, right? Every year. This is like a yearly thing. It's like a Christmas. A yearly thing, right? I'm thinking, look, Kyle, we won again. Dad has a trophy.

He still doesn't care. He still doesn't care. He still doesn't care. Hates the moment. It's the third one. And he gets, we're getting in the car to drive downtown and he's like, where are we going? And I go, I got a championship parade again. Kyle goes, aw, not dad again.

Right? He just, he did not. Even at age eight. You weren't even following the games. You're like, why is dad, I did not care at all. Why is dad in New Jersey? Huh? Well, it doesn't matter.

That's literally what it was. I was, I was in Boston just because where's dad is like, he's in Wyoming or something. I don't care. What is this? They don't have a team in Wyoming. I do. Maybe someday there'll be a franchise in Wyoming just not yet. They don't have a team in Wyoming.

But yeah, but I used to, I used to kill me. He just, he didn't, he could care less. Do you still not give a shit about basketball? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I'm just now kind of getting into it. Like I'm just now sort of like, oh, Blake Griffin. He like podcasts.

I like, I literally, I listen to your guys podcast. Like that's my life. I could give a shit about basketball. So buddy, you listen to the podcast more than I do. Yeah. Which I've never, I haven't listened to an episode. Can I just, I really like to bring this up. I'll, I'll joke aside.

Do you listen to the podcast? No. Why? I don't understand. Because he experiences it. I'm experiencing it right now. I'm going to listen to this every day. Are you kidding me?

I was on the podcast. My girlfriend's going to be listening to this every day too. Oh, you're, you're going to ruin this story. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. There's a story for you. Let's, let's, let's get to question number two.

Oh, wait. We didn't, we still haven't. We saw it. And it's Christian. How dare you? I really do think Christian, how dare you? I think the, the, you, you're worried about all these superficial things. So let me, let me say this.

Let's try to equate it to something real, right? When, when a girl, What's more real than being buffed? That's the realist thing is. When a girl, when a girl gets a breast enhancement, right? That can cause a lot of pain and back problems, right? So let's equate it to that. What would you say to a guy who had a girlfriend who got a breast and enlargement surgery?

Well, breast and, well, breast enhancements aren't illegal. Steroids are against the law. Well, no, no, you, no, you just, no, you're just getting into Samantha. Are we, no, it's the law semantics. Let me, let me read. So he drives without a license. You guys don't value the law. You don't respect the law at all.

I mean, we're a little bit above the law. Let me rebut this. Are steroids illegal or are they just against sports rules? They're just against sports rules. No, steroids are illegal. You can take steroids. Doctors prescribe steroids to people who need them. Yes, but only when you like, when you need, when you really need them.

Like if you have, um, eczema, I put steroid cream on it. Like if you had, I feel like if you had SARS or the swine flu, you get steroids. There's something like almost kills you. It like boosts your muscle. So you're saying just using steroids for the sake of getting stronger is illegal? I'm pretty positive they're illegal. Unfortunately, we're all idiots. Permission to use my phone.

No, no, no. Gentlemen. I can't wait. Request submitted. The websites that come up with steroids legal. It's at least unhealthy. I think she should, she should be concerned about her boyfriend if she cares about it. But she's not.

Yeah. And I think if, that she, that you're not, it's, um, it's a fundamental problem with the relationship. I mean, it's not with the relationship. It's just with you. You're a bad person. Yeah. Well, you're looking deep into my eyes when you said that.

I want to be sure. You're right at you. You're a bad person. I was piercing. I'd really hate to be on the actual receiving end of that. Uh, yeah. So maybe, uh, your, your priorities are a little out of whack. If that's what you're concerned about.

Let this guy go. You got some good steroid loving out of it. Or, or just date him until he does. I mean, if that's, Yeah. Which is probably right around the corner. The steroids are a thing. That's true.

You know, it's cause of girls, it's cause of girls like this, that guys even take steroids. Exactly. Exactly. They're not using it. The two, I typed our steroids and the two most common searches are our steroids illegal and our steroids legal. I wonder like, which the person who wants to take steroids is like, are they legal please? Yeah.

And then me, I wanted, I wanted them to be illegal. What's the answer? Um, is it a gray area? You need a prescription from a doctor. Okay. Well, that's not illegal then. Yeah. Get it.

Is it like, uh, how you need a prescription from a doctor to get marijuana? You just say you have asthma or anxiety and they give you steroids. I'm on Yahoo! Who answers? Who the fuck knows? Are there certain states that, that steroids are legal in? Yeah. Like Colorado and Washington.

Yeah. They're so progressive those states. They have edible steroids. They put them in brownies now. I would take a steroid brownie, but you don't know how long it takes to wear off, you know, and you don't know the dosage. It's dangerous. Steroids are illegal.

Are illegal? They are illegal. Okay. I'm starting to feel very bad. We're 30 minutes in a podcast. One question in. As a viewer, I feel very bad. Sound off in the comments, y'all.

Specifically lawyers. Yeah. Let's get to the next non-steroid based question. We need a dude, a guy you went to high school with. But you also dated. Sorry. The girl with the most masculine name. Yeah.

Rick didn't have any male friends in college. It was all women. Well, I was on a team, so I had a ton of teammates. Sure. One of my teammates was named King. King. His masculine name. That's good.

King David, actually. King David, really? Yeah. Dope. He's a coach now, right? Yeah. There you go. Your name is Rick Box and you have the second coolest name on the team.

Crazy. His last name was David and his first name was King. His middle name was David. His first name was King David Rice. David King Rice, damn. King David Rice. King David Rice. You have to understand his first name was King.

We've got to get that through to you. King Rice. Yeah. I was almost named after him, wasn't I? Very close. I was about to be King Fox. Oh, my God. You fucked up.

I tried and hit it with my mom. My mom was against it. Kyle? I was trying. So she gave me the K for Kyle. To be fair, though, my full name is Kyle Alexander Fox, which means handsome King of Men Fox. That's dope.

That's pretty good. Yeah. I'll take that. If you want to compete, my real name is Ulrich Alexander Fox, which means ruler of men, great ruler Alexander. You can't go wrong with Fox. It's the long and the short. My name is Jacob Hurwitz.

It means held by the heel. Amir Shmuel Fox. Can you imagine this guy's name was Rice King? That's so much worse. Instead of King Rice. I'm the Rice. I love Rice so much. I'm the King of it.

It's like Uncle Ben we were talking about in the last episode. We're always talking about Rice. All right. Hey, guys. A year ago, a girl I had been dating for over a year convinced me to get rid of my dog. She brought up some very reasonable points. I'm never at home. My dog might benefit from having a bigger yard.

My house would be cleaner. I can get new furniture, et cetera. We made the decision together and I started making improvements on my home. It was sad, but we were working through it. Well, last week she broke up with me out of the blue, partially because she said I blamed her for making me get rid of my dog, which admittedly I did. I don't really care that I got it broken up with, but now I totally miss my dog. I gave my dog to a shelter and threw a little bit of Facebook stocking and I actually was

able to figure out where they sent him to live. Should I steal my dog from his new owner? He has a history of running away, so I figure I can get away with it as long as I left the gate open or something. I live far enough away that I don't think I'll ever run into them or risk getting caught. What do you think I should do? Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. Ta-da in advance, King David Rice.

Actually right now? It's pretty great. Is this where we're at in the podcast? Yeah. People are calling in about asking about crimes? Yeah, this is two illegal things. Steroids? Can you look it up?

It's stealing a dog technically illegal or is it just crowned upon? Well, no, no. Any question if it's stealing. Yeah. What if a doctor prescribes the theft? Is it still illegal? We should... Alright, so everyone in this story is terrible.

Well, not necessarily. The girlfriend was right in a way because he said it was getting better. He said his life was better for it. No, he said he was making improvements on the home. I thought he missed the dog. No, he said I was making improvements on the home, but... And it was sad I was making improvements on the home and then she broke up and he's saying, Now I can get the dog back.

Yeah, now that's not what you get to do. If you have a pet, that's a responsibility. And then you give it up, you don't get to steal the dog back. The dog probably doesn't want to be back there. He had an owner that was just like, Hey, fuck you. Your hair is everywhere. My girlfriend told me to.

Now you're talking for the dogs? Yeah. You're the king dog. Am I insane? You guys... So they didn't get the dog together. You had the dog before the girlfriend? Yeah.

He had the dog. The girlfriend comes in and she's like, I don't like the hair. If I'm the dog, I'm pissed at him. And we're all the dog. Because today we're all dogs. The girlfriend came in and basically she wanted more attention. Yeah, and she basically said choose him or me and he chose the girl. And then some lovely family comes and adopts the dogs, gives it a loving home and he's like,

I kind of want to steal the dog back now that I'm dumped. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy.

It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help.

And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks. Better help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Now, for years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily

know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace

and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial.

Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Here's my suggestion. Don't steal it, but ask for it. Yeah. Ask the dog first.

He should go there down his knees. Whichever the dog goes to. Suppose if the dog goes, I forgive you. Yeah, yeah. Or it's that thing where you stand on either side and you see which way the dog walks. Here's a little trick for that game. Stuff dog food in your underwear. That's why I do that every day regardless just in case you hate dogs.

I don't hate dogs. I think that if I got a dog, you would pretend to hit it and take it every single day. So it would be afraid. Pretend to. Pretend to. Are you? Can you believe that? Remember when I fostered that dog and you used to fake hit her and she would get scared.

And I was like, you can't do that. I know you're not hitting her, but you put fear in her. Well, first of all, she already came from an abused home. Which is another reason why you absolutely shouldn't do that. Yeah, I was trying to like, okay, it's okay. Like remember when somebody did this to you, but now I'm not going to do it. So I would raise my hand really swiftly as if to strike the dog. And when she blinked and cowered away for me, it showed great reverence to me.

And I would then find myself closer to your dog. Horrible. Sadistic. You fucked up ass. You can only get close to things that show you reverence. Yeah. How dare you. It's a type of respect.

I don't remember fake hitting your dog, but I don't love dogs. I feel like maybe if you didn't fake it, you used to talk about fake hitting. Yeah, that's what I would do. I would like talk lovingly and be like, ooh, I'm going to beat you. I'm going to hit you. That's what it was. And I was like, she can still feel the energy. Yeah.

I didn't really feel it. On top of the, you know, the humane societies thing, I think you're a monster. Yeah, I did advocate. You advocated closing humane societies. Wait, do you guys have animals? Do you have a pet? No. Well, we did.

I did. I lost a pet in a relationship recently. I'm so sorry. But what was yours to begin with? But it became mine. Not really. It really did. Not really.

Okay. Look, so, so my, my Kyle thought I didn't like dogs for the longest. Okay. You didn't. I just put that to me. It sounds like me a little bit. There's a side of the line to fall on. I do fall on the side of.

Of beating dogs. No. Dogs. Dogs. I just like to go on record. I don't need another Michael Vick incident. No, I do not beat dogs. I just, I did not grow with, I did not grow up with dogs in the house.

Yeah. My dogs as a kid lived in the yard. Right. And occasionally they would go off for two weeks and were a part of a gang. Sure. And they wouldn't know where they were at. And then they would come back. Come back with an animated series about them being street tuffs.

Right. So, so I didn't grow up with that, you know, dogs on the, in the kitchen. Yeah. Dogs, you know, on the couch. Right. So anytime I saw a dog in the house, that was always a little bit like, okay, like, you're not going to get up on the bed, are you? So when I first got into a relationship.

I was a young lady. She had two dogs. Oh yeah. She had ladies love dogs. Yeah, man. And she had a Bernie, Burmese mountain dog. A small little cute guy. No, this guy was huge.

But with psychological. To be fair, the dog was a psychopath. Psychopath. Okay. Psychopath. Huge dog. But, but she got it with her boyfriend before me. Oh, awkward.

So that was a little bit of a problem. Yeah. I don't, there's a lot of things I haven't told you. And then, and then she had another dog. You can tell you about Kristen, did he? That she, that she had for like nine years. So that was like her dog she got by herself. And she got another dog with her boyfriend before me.

And so I inherited two dogs. One was like an Indian chief and one was like a psychopath. Right. One was a golden retriever. So I love the golden retriever. He was kind of chill. And the other one represented another relationship. And it was also mean.

So it's like double bad. So I would raise my hand sometimes like Amir. Yeah. No, I never raised my hand. But I had those thoughts because I'm thinking this dog is destroying our life because at the end of the day, the dog came before me. You know, it was like both of them came before me.

So not like Kristen or King here where he's like, you know, he picked the girl, he picked, she picked, he picked the girlfriend over the dog. I kind of decided to simulate myself into the relationship of the three. Shortly thereafter within a year, I convinced her that the Bernese had to go. That was after the Bernese gave her a black eye though,

to be fair. Yeah. So I had nothing to do with it. I just said, look, She tried to play it off like she fell down the stairs. You know, you looked around the corner and the dog went, I said, look, I said, look, your friends are going to start looking at me weird.

I don't know. I know. Even saying the dog did, it seems like she was covering for you. Yeah. No, no, no. The dog hit me. So really like we literally went through a whole process of having to like find a family for the Bern.

And it was hard, but she really was like, I'm tired of this dog. Like I'm tired of the dog controlling our life. Right. So we had to find a home. We did. But recently, you know, four years later, you know,

our colon retriever had brains, had a brain tumor. And it was really, really hard because I now, after five years, love this dog like my son. Yeah. Really? More. I do.

Certainly. Like this guy is my, like my guy. And so you realize like now he's having a brain, brain surgery and everything. I'm going through that. Like I feel, I feel like I'm a dog's, I'm a dog lover now. At least just this one dog.

Yeah. And I forget completely the point of my story. I think I was. Well, with that in mind. The point of the story I think is do what you can within the law to get the dog back. Right. Because it's worth it.

Right. But I kind of would go steal. I'd go steal the other. The golden retriever. I would. Would you steal a dog? I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have given up in the first place.

Ah, there you go. But that's, that's cheating. I'm not asking you that. I don't think this guy deserves a dog. That's what I'm saying. Would you rather, some girl coming to be like, Oh, I don't like the fur on your couch.

And you're like, okay, go give the dog to a shelter. Bro's before. You don't. Yeah. Dogs before hoes. Bro's before hoes, but dogs before that.

Dogs number one. Then. Dogs are at the top of the pyramid. Okay. So you're saying, So imagine this, you have a dog for six months, like the girl,

the one you adopted. Betty. Betty. You kept her. So you had her from February to whenever. And you fall deeply in love with somebody. You have someone in your life who you respect and you want to

keep happy as much as you possibly can. And that person is like, Hey, I feel so bad even asking, but like this dog is such like a crazy animal. I really don't like it being here. I'll move in with you and I'll do whatever you want. If we just maybe give the dog up for adoption,

put it in a bigger house and home. You would not, you would choose the dog over the girl. I would never love someone that would make me choose. That's, you're blind. You have so many unrealistic rules about dating.

It's like, I would never date somebody who believes in something. I would never date somebody. What if you had a small apartment? She's like, I really think the dog would be happier elsewhere. I've never had a small apartment.

I'm a beast in that regard. I, I'm a beast in that regard. I'm rich now. I don't have a yard. I'm going to have a house. I'm going to have a dog and I'm going to have a woman

who loves all those things too. But that means you don't, you don't get to make me choose. You're a regular King David's girlfriend trying to make me choose between my dog

and my house and my girl. Queen David. I don't know if you guys could read between the lines, but he's basically saying he'd get rid of the dog. No, I'm not. Well, okay.

So this, this is what you need to ask yourself. Would you get rid of a mirror? If I had a bad dog, I would train the dog. And you, yeah, if you come, you come to my house,

you tell me I can't get a dog. What, what if you got found the girlfriend? It was perfect. You loved everything about her. And she said, get rid of a mirror. But that's,

that's such a weird question. He would do, he's like, my perfect girlfriend would answer. It's your dog! A perfect girlfriend would never ask.

No, no, no. She's perfect. Except for all they always ask. No girlfriend wants to live with something else, unless it's hers, obviously. Like, yeah, I wouldn't,

I don't think I, I mean, it depends if the dog was a really shitty dog and it was giving me black eyes. And if it was like, barking at her all the time, then I would probably fall out of love with the dog.

So what's your advice for this guy? This, you gave up your dog. Some other people love it. Don't even ask for it? I guess you can investigate a little bit. Don't steal it. You don't deserve it.

But we don't know if that, the new owner is actually providing the love. I can't believe everybody's on his, on his side. I don't know if this helps. I think this entire question is a prank on me.

We're setting you up to fail. There is black bedding! Where is she? Give me back my dog! Rick's stealing black bedding from you right now. Oh, black bedding! I don't know if this helps

the question at all, but my current girlfriend has eight animals. Jeez, Louise! Yeah, she's two dogs and six cats. You know where you are on that ladder, right?

Yeah, I'm somewhere in like four. She hates like two of them. And I think that- She doesn't like the birds. She has a mouth. She likes me the same way. Yeah, the pug is way above me though.

Well, let's, let's segue into this little break zone, which is following up on your question, which was six, seven, eight, nine months ago, was you were going away to college and you wanted to know

whether you should stay in a relationship with this person. Yeah, yeah. And the advice we gave you was not to. And it's also the advice you've given every single other person who's even hinted at the idea.

And don't you say a word! Rick, what was your advice? I'd like to hear what the fatherly advice was. My advice, not having really gotten to know the young lady, and I'm sure she's a wonderful person,

was that I expressed how difficult it was going to be. Right. And I thought he should, I don't know if he even sounds right, if he'd do this in college, he should date himself. He should actually work on himself.

That's what college is about. Oh, well, masturbate a lot. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. I was like,

I remember, man, you don't understand, you get on your own, you're there by yourself, you got your roommate, when you leave, you just date yourself, man. Yeah.

No, but I was hoping for him to not spend a lot of energy having to manage a long-distance relationship. I had a long-distance marriage, so I know how difficult it was. Yeah, it's a full-time job. It's more than a full-time job. It's a full-time job.

And so here it is, as a freshman, away from home, getting acclimated to his own surroundings, taking care of himself, meeting new people, studying. You know,

I thought that it was important for him to actually get out and explore life as a single young man. Date yourself. Jake, I just want to say, this is what my girlfriend looks like. It's a picture of a pug. She is a babe,

but at the same time, that advice is so solid that I would give it regardless of what that person looks like. Whoa. Obviously, it's easy from the outside. Yeah, actually, this follow-up pup is about

you calling your girlfriend right now. I will do it. The doors are locked. Well, no, no, to break up with her. You didn't follow our advice. Well, ask him how... Well, first of all, more importantly,

ask him how the year went. Oh, here we go. Because I think it's time to actually evaluate how the year went. How did the year go? So, first term was fine. Second term was a little harder. On the relationship or in school?

On the relationship. Easier on the school. Basically, it's a sliding scale of priorities, whichever one you put to the forefront. I don't want to make your father uncomfortable. Doesn't it sound nice to be able to fuck whoever you want? No.

Because it's not the situation I'm in. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Yeah. It always is. No. By the way, that doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, he's one of those dads who's like,

did you get laid this weekend? Like, what are you doing? Like... Just like none of our dads. My dad told me once... Apparently, I gave my son way too many condoms when he went to college. He gave me 54 condoms.

Really? About 54 pack of condoms. And I... No, and I gave you back a couple that I used on. You gave him back used condoms? No, no. Your dad, see? Oh my God.

This is awful. The one conversation I had about condoms with my father was like, he called... He called my house to talk to my mom. I guess a cleaning lady had like found a condom in my trash can that my friends had opened as a joke. I was not having sex. And he called back.

He's like, his mom home? Like, no, she's not here. He's like, okay. If you're having sex, use condoms. I was like, okay, bye. Wow. And that was it. That was the first and last time

my father and I have talked about sex. First time I ever took my son to get a condom. You know where is that? This is beautiful. Wait, I don't remember this story. What? Maybe I repressed it. No.

We were in Amsterdam. Oh, that's right. Yeah, we were in Amsterdam. I took my son at the age of 12. We were in Amsterdam. When I was 12 years old. I walked him through... Walking down the red light district.

And I remember he said to me, he said, Dad, did you bring me here for shock value? Yeah, yeah. I remember saying that. I said, no, we're just walking through Amsterdam. What are you talking about, right? Had you brought him there for shock value? Oh, yeah.

See, I was too smart for this dude when I was 12. And then we went into a store, Condom World. Condom World. And they bought Condom. And I gave him my speech on... It's funny lesson. You think condoms are like just condoms, then you go to Condom World.

And it's... It is a world. It is a world. It's so much less. There's so many more possibilities out there. All right, well, I guess we have to have you on in like nine more months to see what the follow-up is to the trick.

I feel like it's still happening. Right. Well, I will just say, I'll leave you with... Do whatever makes you the happiest. Thank you. Long term. Long term. Whoa, hey, hey.

But I can understand, if you think... If you sit there thinking this girl's definitely the one, then... And you don't want to break up with her? I totally respect that. Jake, I'm like your dad. I'm like your dad. And I just...

I couldn't trade up. That's... Then you know what? I respect that. I love it. My mom got married when she was 19. My dad was 22. They're still together.

They're very happy. But I think, at the very least, you should like make some tweaks on your relationship so you do better at college. Your dad's happy. Your girlfriend's happy. Everybody's happy. That's what you got to do.

We only have one more question. So why don't we just make this a super long podcast and we can have... Wait, how long are we going so far? We're going to be... It's over 40 minutes at this point. We'll be close to an hour. All right.

We need one last female's question. Female name. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Female name. It doesn't have to come up with a question, does it? No, no. It's not that hard.

I come up with a question. Do you have another lady? Yeah, oh yeah. Melissa. Melissa. She became a lawyer. All right. No, she did not.

You were... There was more than one Melissa son. The one I heard about is no lawyer. Melissa number two writes, Hey dudes, in the summer holidays, which is about a month from now, my friend and I are going to Spain on a party vacation. We've been planning the trip for a year

and are going there just as everyone else to get drunk every night and hook up with dudes. This has already become sort of a tradition and this is our third year going. And from the last times, I can safely say that the number of cute, sexy, horny guys there is dope. All sounds great, right?

Here's the sitch. We just met the sweetest and funniest guy and we're really hitting it off. I can tell he is already completely in love with me and I'm falling for him too. I can see this is the start of a long-term relationship and I could even picture myself marrying this guy. What should I do?

If I start something serious with him now, I'm guaranteed to not have any fun in Spain but I also don't want to lose him. The trip was also quite expensive and I can't bail now as my best friend would never forgive me. She had a pretty bad breakup with her boyfriend and has been looking forward to this for a long, long time.

Can I just tell the guy to call me again in a month? How will I not feel like I'm cheating on him when I get me some random hottie in Spain? I really need advice and I know my two favorite internet nerds slash womanizer will help. Love and please answer, Vic. This is one of the hardest questions we've ever got.

I love how everyone's just totally okay when we're just calling you guys nerdy Jews. Yeah, we take ownership of it. It's funny, when I was in eighth grade, I was so scared anybody would call me a nerdy Jew and now it's her job. That's what I refer to myself as. Do you guys, like me, find yourself

like vacillating back and forth on an answer as she was saying? Like, stay with the guy but then it's like, oh, so maybe you can just do this one thing and they're like, oh, but she also is like, marry this guy but then also this is for her friend and she just want to let her friend down.

First of all, does the guy take steroids? Oh, great question. Hold on, let me email her. I want her to be a roided out dog stealer, right? Right, all right. We have to clear that up first. Does he have a dog and does he take steroids?

Do you have a daughter? I do. Okay, so what if your daughter approached you with this conundrum? What would you say? It'd be the most awkward conversation in the world. Well, no, I think my daughter, I think my daughter talks to my son about these issues

and she talks about me. To me about it, which is fine as long as she's talking to one of the men in her life. That's good. In this situation, I don't know how old this young lady is. Let's say college age, yeah. Sounds like she's in college third year.

They're the down to junior. And her name is Melissa. Now that we think about it. I get a sense that she's in school in, I don't know where. Why do you get a sense she's in school? She has enough money to go to Spain. Well, she has like, she's had like vacation holidays.

Is that spoil Sasha? Yeah. Oh, well, there you go. Yeah, exactly. But no, I think right now, to actually project all the way out to marriage with this young man she just met. Right.

I think is no different than she could project all the way out to marriage with some kid in Spain. Right. So you're going to throw a wrench in it right away and be like, you're not necessarily going to marry this guy. So don't start acting as if you're married. I think you're taking that very seriously. I think she's just like, I really like this person.

No, no, I think she's, no, no. I think she's quite set on, I'm about to head out of college now and need me to latch on to somebody right now. And this is option number one. Oh, you think it's like a money thing, like a... No, it's not about money. It's about...

It's always about money. It's about settling down. It's about settling down, which is she's thinking more about moving away from her life of heading to Spain every summer and actually having a blast, drinking and dating and sleeping. This might be her last foray.

And she's saying, OK, I now know that when I do come back, I'm going to settle down with this guy here and give it a run. Do I basically wait? Because he might not be here a month from now. And I say, look, you know what? You're not evil for actually, you know, actually being open and up front.

Because if you're going to marry this guy, you want to be open and up front to begin with, which is like, hey, look, I do this every year. I'm going to Spain. I'm going to hang out with my girlfriend. I don't know what I'm going to get into, but you're going to be on my mind because you did that to me

in the span of like one drunken night. I'm assuming they were drinking. There was nothing about that. I love it, though. You've inferred the perfect amount. Right. So I think she definitely don't throw her girlfriend who needs her right now under the bus.

Because in life, whether you're married or you're dating, you're going to have friends in your life that you want to stay connected to, and they're going to need you. And she seems, you know, to need her best friend now. And this is something they do. Keep these rituals because when you're 10-year, 15-year married, you're going to want to get away from a week or two.

Now, what you do is on you in that week or two with your best friends. You're literally promoting cheating right now. I didn't say I would. Some people cheat. Some people don't. But what I'm saying is they still need to have friends and they still need to create space and get away.

Anybody worth dating who's single is going to have other suitors. So you want to go away to Spain for how long? Was it a month? Sure. And you assume you're going to come back and that person is going to be available to you again? Yeah.

Because that's a dangerous assumption. Yeah. Maybe this dude might have a month. But I think that's the part where she's got to make this decision. She's like, either I lock this down right now because I care about this guy and I'm going to have a different experience in Spain. Or she's going to say, you know what, this guy's great,

but I really value this time that I have in Spain to go crazy and be with my friend. This might be the last time I do it. So I'm just going to take the risk and try to wait. And if he's gone when I get back, then fuck it. At least I had fun in Spain. I think she's got to decide for herself what's going to make her the most happy.

You know what? I got a 14-year-old daughter. She's now in the phase where she's into boys and really boy crazy. Fortunately for me, it's usually one boy at a time. She doesn't fall in love with a ton of them. Well, this is what I've been. This is what she communicates to me.

I think she has boys she finds attractive and then she has a boy she wants to really go after. And what I've said to her is other boys that she's admired or want to date that really haven't reciprocated their interest. I always say to her, as your father, I want you to deserve a man in your life someday who actually pursues you and actually chases you

and holds you up to that on an altar. That's what I want for her because I don't want her chasing a man. And so it sounds like right now this young lady's concerned that she's not worthy of being chased. So if she goes to Spain, she's got to have in her mind that if this is the man that's going to marry her, this is the man that's going to chase her to Spain

or at least be thinking about her the whole time she's gone so that when she does return, he's there waiting for her. So are you saying, let's say, quick vote, go to Spain or stay with the guy? What do you say? Just those are the choices. I say, I mean, I throw out my advice, but I would say definitely because you only just recently met

this person and you definitely don't know if he's that kind. If he'd known for a month, I think it'd be different. But since you just met him, I say go to Spain. Go to Spain, Rick. I said she go to Spain, Italy, France, England, Nassau, Boblin, Iceland, hook up with my girl, Burglain. I see, I see, I see. Getting hot and icy.

Getting ice and Iceland and come back and as soon as you come back, see if the guy's there and if he chases you down again, you know, you got, you got, you got the right one. He's been waiting on you. There you go. All right, let's end there. Thanks for coming to the show, guys.

Yeah, unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. But the, uh, the address song is 42 minutes long. Awesome. Awesome. Perfect, perfect. Yes, the email address, if you want to email in your own questions, is ifireeshow at gmail.com. And if you have your own theme song submissions,

please keep those coming. The first one was from that amazing singer, songwriter, techno robot, Eagles, Sigur Vysinjensen. And this last one is from somebody named Emily. Thank God. So, uh, please enjoy. Thank you. It's from my girlfriend, actually.

Oh, yeah, Kyle and Rick, thank you guys so much. Do you have anything you want to plug? This, if this episode comes out on Monday? I want to plug my son's day in school. Okay, that's good. I would, I would support that. And then, Kyle. Um, follow me on, actually, no, don't.

That's, that's not a good idea. That's, that's a really bad idea, actually. I don't want to end up like tubes. This is. Don't follow him. Don't follow him on any social media. Definitely don't go to Twitter and look up Foxy Maximus and follow him.

That's, that's. And if you do follow him, unfollow him. Yeah. Follow him and unfollow him. I would love your phone to just get like a hundred alerts and new followers. And then just look at the exact same. Follow him and unfollow him, people.

For those that agree with me when it comes to my son, you can follow, if I get Kyle, what's the over under? I have like 200,000 people following me, right? Yeah. If I double, hold on. If I double to 400,000 in the span of the next like month from people that are going to follow Rick at Rick A Fox, at Rick A Fox.

To keep Kyle in school. To keep Kyle in school, please. This is a campaign. Oh, I love it. Keep Kyle in school. Hashtag keeps Kyle in school. Hashtag keep Kyle in school. And if you don't, I quit.

Oh my gosh. Now we have to really have you guys come on. So high. So the hashtags are Kyle quit school and Kyle stay in school. Yeah, it's a count. Yeah. It's a full campaign. All right, guys.

Thanks for coming in. Thanks for listening, everybody. Bye. If I were you, there's just one thing I think you need to do. Take some time to sit down with both your friends and mine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.