If I Were You - 79: Report Card

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

In this episode Jake grades Amir for some reason, then we play a rousing rendition of Truth or Date.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Hedgum Original. Mc Crispy Strips are now at McDonald's! Tender, juicy, and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious. New Mc Crispy Strips, now at McDonald's. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba Jake and Amir are two Jews that you can't forget

In 2010 they were big on the internet But then three failed pilots, two rejected movie scripts Won't last each effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Seconds. Another podcast. Seconds. Each app different from the last. Seconds. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook shows.

Now let's meet you two pathetic hosts. Seconds. Very nice. You've got new headphones. Yeah, I think I mentioned this last week, but the headphones I usually wear these Bose green ones that are really nice. Yeah, I put them in the washing machine. Right.

You did mention that. So that just stopped making them work. I'm not really sure the science behind it. Yeah, I guess if you fill the electronics with water and put them in a high spin cycle, it'll probably damage them. Pretty sensitive. It makes literally no sense. Yeah.

Ideally, you don't wash the headphones. I was able to do some research and think, are bows really the best or are they just the ones I'm used to? So I use this as a growing opportunity. Is that just kind of like name ID, that brand recognition? They are a household name. They're resting on their laurels.

The bows were $250. Yeah, oh yeah. The ones I'm currently wearing, seemingly just as good for a hundred bucks on Amazon. Yeah. So. That's what's happening, that's what's happening. I might have lost headphones,

but I gained clarity going forward. When did you buy the bows? Did they come with a warranty? They did, but I bought them over a year ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the one year warranty. Yeah, and I don't know if the warranty would cover criminal negligence. Yeah.

The kind of which I would do on day 364. Well, they wouldn't listen, they wouldn't do their due diligence. They would probably never know that you were criminally negligent. That I put them in the washer. Like, you can just say, I wore them in the rain, that's supposed to be fine. Or maybe it's not.

Maybe you just say, hey, they just crapped out. You wore them in the rain? No. Ah, shit. I said I wore them when it was raining. Indoors. Sir. I think I worked out so hard,

it got fucking detergent in the circuitry. Can I show you my eight pack? So yeah, I guess live and learn. I don't know. I think if you, a lot of people leave. There's lessons like that, that you don't really need to live in. Like that's sort of one that you should be born with.

I don't think that's like a lesson that everybody needs to learn. Like, hey, if you wash your stuff, it will break. Like- Well, I could have done the rice thing, which I did once with my phone. I don't know if that's- After putting it in the wash?

Uh, I don't remember how it got. I don't remember how it got wet, yeah. Yeah, you don't. Might've been a toilet situation. Toilet situation. Yeah. Yeah, that's probably fine. Might've pissed on the phone. Yeah,. Yeah. Yeah. That's probably fine. I might've pissed on the phone. Yeah.

Well, that's okay. That's sterile. I might've done a tinkle on it. Yeah. You did a number one. Um, but we survived. We're here. We're then, and it's May and it's 2025 and it segments the only segmented

podcast on the web hosted by us. That's right. I'm actually glad you brought up this 2025 thing because I was thinking about that. And I think that kind of makes this our senior year of podcasting. We've been doing it for 12 years, as it were. So why is that senior?

If anything, it's our like post-graduate PhD year, seniors year four. Pretty apropos to be in our senior year for this segment actually, because I'll be reading your podcast host report card. I was saying that it's not our senior year. My student, your name is Amir Shmuel. Podcast, segments, year, senior, okay?

So I kind of have to go with the senior thing. Yeah. And you wrote this? Instructor, Jake, yes, I did. Okay. So I'll be grading you on a rubric of 10 categories, each worth 10 points up to a possible 100, an A plus plus in

podcasting. Wow. Um, which would be pretty good. Okay. So let's jump right into it. Audio quality worth 10 points. Your audio quality is a radical at best, not abysmal at work. Your mic plugged into a computer instead of a mixer. I'm sure. How is that good for the listener? That's not true. Airplane mode, more like rare plane mode, as it was often forgotten at best or ignored at worst. I've never. Our editor, excuse me, shout out to John Grimm, often remarked there was audio interference in your track, Jack. So that's a two out of 10 for your opening category. And I didn't even bring the headphones into it.

Of course not, because this is audio quality. That has nothing to do with the headphones. Well, that's audio quality that you're receiving into your ear, right? So you can engage with the podcast. So it's an audio quality issue. Okay, two out of 10. Room for improvement, of course. See me. I'm using the same microphone as you. A Shure SM7B. Not all the time. It's clear. Not all the

time. That's why I said it was erratic at best. Erratic at worst. No, I said at best. Awesome at best. Abysmal at best. Incredible at best. Number two, ad effort. Ad infinitum. This is worth 10 points. You're talking about advertisements? This podcast is brought to you by Jack Shit. Oh, and a second mid roll, that one is sponsored by, you guessed it, John Crap. Talking Points were phoned in on the day, done live with no advanced prep or product testing. You know, you sell swill to children, okay?

The ads are stale and so are you. Two, three out of 10. Three is pretty good considering the last one was a two and it was perfect. Still room for improvement. I don't know why you thought three and what was wrong with the ad reads? We do those together.

Yeah, it feels, this isn't my report card. So I'm just, no, I'm grading you, right? Right. So. But you wrote it. My grade, my effort, all of that is actually N slash A, not applicable or N slash R not relevant. Do you see?

Because we're not really grading me right now. How many of these did you write? I have 10 because there are 10, as I mentioned up top and you're trying to get a possible 100. You are currently hovering around five. So that's not great. Sounds like I'm exactly five, two and a three. Yeah, you're at five.

But yeah, I feel like the ads are often kind of like, oh, they're always after the fact. You never set good time aside, like, hey, let's knock these out, let's do our best. It's kind of like, oh shit, we have an ad. I have to rush through these talking points. I don't know what to say. It's not true.

Thank you, Helix. It's a sleep quiz. It's a sleep quiz. It's a sleep test. I do say what they tell me to say and put my own spin on it. You don't really put your own spin on it. I really do. It's kind of like you're just lopping it back.

Let's move on to number three worth 10 points, timeliness. 100%. They say timeliness. We've never missed a week in 12 years. They say timeliness is next to cleanliness, which is next to godliness. Godliness, right. Well, your holiness, you are wholly a mess.

How many texts in our text thread can I read with the Zoom link, which I sent to you, to which you respond that you're on the toilet, that you're coming, that I'll be there in five minutes, that I have to push 30 minutes? Can I do tomorrow? Is tomorrow better? Is that easier?

And yes, sometimes that's me. And yes, sometimes I'm saying that to you. But this isn't my report card, okay? When you respond that you are on the toilet, you are actually in the toilet, taking a number two out of 10. We've never been late on an episode, maybe once or twice.

Maybe. In over a decade. I'm talking about your consideration to me as a co-host. The schedule is, it's a wreck. It's fine because you're the one pushing it sometimes, you said. I mentioned that, yeah, but this is your report card, not mine.

Really? Okay. Don't worry about somebody else in the class. So you that, yeah, but this is your report card, not mine, okay? Don't worry about somebody else in the class. So you mess up, but you don't get punished because this is my report card and not yours. I'm just administering, I'm telling you that don't worry about my grade, because maybe I don't get into an Ivy League school, but that doesn't help you get into one.

You worry, stay in your lane. Do you know what I mean? Focus eyes on your own paper, Jack. Let's move on. All right, so right now I'm at a seven of 30. Okay, a lot of ground to make up. Number four, banter. This is worth 10 points.

So in improv, you were supposed to yes and, but no, you don't engage with me in a back and forth. Instead, you let't engage with me in a back and forth. Instead, you let me steamroll you, like a steamed roll. Yes, and that is no fun. I'm constantly interjecting, interrupting, and making it a guy position.

You're not interjecting, you will not get a word in edgewise. It's about back and forth. Not about a fourth and back, Jack. Those are the same things. I deserve at least an eight for banter. Five out of 10 ten. Five out of ten because I think you're trying. Still the highest you've given up. I think you're putting forth the effort. I just don't think it's always hitting. Guest etiquette. This is worth ten points.

Guest etiquette for this show in its current iteration in this current moment is not applicable. It is N slash A, which is a real problem, which is a real problem. You seem to repel others in a way that makes them not want to be on our show. Joe, we haven't had a guest on this podcast in ages and all, and I can't take all that responsibility because yes, I moved to New York, which made it hard to schedule, which made it not easy to do in-person recordings. But nobody stopped you from moving here too. Do you know what I mean? This is guest etiquette and you're using it to like,

I don't know, air some sort of where I live grievance. It has nothing to do with this specific thing you're talking about. I think your proximity to me inhibits our ability to book guests in studio in Europe to interview them together. I think people don't really like coming on the Zoom. But I mean, we can always send people Zoom links.

Yeah, that's not really, the energy is weird when you do that or like when you have like you and somebody in person and I'm chiming in from afar. I think the, like I said, it's not applicable because we can't really have guests, but that is on you. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I'll take a non-applicable. Zero out of 10. No, not zero. What do you get, 10? Zero out of zero, if it's N, A. Okay, okay, so that's actually new to me. So it's just, it doesn't count towards anything. Correct.

Segment originality, 10 points. Let me be the first to tell you that Ranker and Main Trail have been great, okay? Great. I need to give you your flowers when you deserve flowers, and you have an eight out of 10 on segment originality. You're killing it. Thank you. And I want you to celebrate this win, okay?

Hold my hand. No, I have a... Let's give it a squeeze. I have another unique segment later. So really, maybe you can even bump that up to a nine. Nine out of 10, sure. Sure, because I can see the effort. I know that you're trying.

I know that you watched your headphones and it's hard to be on time and your guest etiquette is just not there. But I think your segment originality, your brain for all of its flaws and faults, downfalls, its inability to kind of get to that. I got an eight or maybe a nine. Nine, we'll give you a nine.

Thank you. We'll give you a nine because I think you need that atta boy. Preparedness is a number seven, it's worth 10 points. Shit shower shave, pre-show, I think you do one out of three and that's not good enough for me. I'm not shaving before every episode. I hate to diss you, but you look disheveled,

disinterested, disengaged, disgusting, and yes, distant, all right? Would it kill you? To move to New York? Would it kill you to put on a collared shirt, product in the hair? You don't have any of this stuff. It's about pride, Clyde.

You're wearing a tee, your hair is more disheveled than mine, you shave less often. There's no way that you're grading this on a curve because you're doing worse than me in all of these categories. Don't worry about migrate, worry about your own self. Because we don't get, it's not, we don't co-get into this next, like college, you know?

That's what senior year is about. Not senior year too. This whole premise is a lot to continue. You get a two out of 10 for preparedness. Okay. Because. It doesn't matter. Yes, it does matter.

It doesn't mean anything. That actually, okay, well this is gonna go towards attitude, which is gonna be pretty low if this is. Of course, yeah. Okay, fine. Fan engagement. More like damn estrangement. You are withdrawn. Nope.

And I am with child as in you are acting like a child. And that's putting it mild. Speaking of mild, you're mild. You are mild. You post online and they're like good jokes and clips and stuff, but it's rarely about this podcast. So it's not this. You're eyes off the ball, if that makes sense.

What category is this? Fan engagement. I'm constantly engaging with people on Twitter, on Reddit, Instagram comments, DMs. It just doesn't feel like it's all driving them back to segments. I feel like you have your hand in a lot of different pots. And it's sure.

Yeah. You've let this one fall by the wayside and see there you are with the sure again. It's making me think that I really am going to add an attitude extra credit. Go for it. Go for it. All right, we have two more. Nine, sex appeal. Okay? Okay. How do you feel like you're doing with sex appeal?

Good. You think you're a sexy podcast host? Yes. You think you're hot? You think you're hot? Well, everybody knows that the best podcasters have sex appeal. Call her daddy, they would never call you zaddy. And Dax Shepard makes you look like a wax leopard. Smartless leaves you fartless.

That's fine. It's good to be fartless. You are not hot. You're not hot. You're not hot to anyone. You're a four. You're a four out of 10. A four? Firstly, if you think I'm not hot, why am I a four?

I should be a one or a two. I feel like you have charisma. God. Like I said, I'm going to give you your flowers. You still have Riz. You have Riz. I'm not taking that away. Okay, that brings us to the final grading rubric, voice.

Let's just talk about how you sound. Okay. Could you... Isn't this the first one too? No, the first one is your audio quality. That's kind of like, audio quality ties into preparedness in a way, but preparedness felt like sex appeal. We're talking just about voice.

Okay. Can you sing? Yes. Will you sing for me? Sure, all right. I love you baby, and if it's quite all right, I need you baby and if it's quite alright I need you baby if on a lonely night I want you baby trust in me when I say 3 out of 10 and your attitude has been piss poor Your extra credit effort is worth zero because you were phony with it. I don't know what that total's up to.

I think it's about a 27 out of 90 because we docked the, what question was it? We docked one of them, the guest etiquette. We docked, we didn't dock anything. We said that we- You made this entire thing up and gave me a bad result. You created a game so that I could fail. I guess what I'm saying is see me.

You know, see me after class. Yeah. Because we have a lot of work to do. Not really. I'm not gonna work on my voice with you. Would you work on your sex appeal? I guess, but I'm not going to work on my voice with you. Would you work on your sex appeal? I guess, but I'm not going to see you after class. See me after class and we'll work on your sex appeal.

Yeah, you're fired if you ever said that to a student. For sure. For sure. For sure. Illegal at worst, at best, sexual harassment. Yeah. In the workplace, avoidable, unfortunate, but we're gonna give you at the very least a warning for that. Thank you, I am tenured here.

Okay, I'm glad you thought to do that. Let's, um, take a break, do some soul searching and I'll be back with my segment after these messages. Namaste. Thank you to Huell for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you, Huell. Huell is a perfectly balanced meal while saving you time because it's designed by experts to provide the nutrients your body needs from a meal and it takes the guesswork and time out of healthy eating.

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picks that expire in 14 days, limited time offer terms at pick six dot draft. Kings.com slash. Pro mos. Duh. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Yes, yes, yes. I love you. You sleep on a Helix mattress, Jake.

Sure do. I sure do. And it's incredible. There you go. I have been sleeping on a Helix for years now. That's right. You even got a new Helix. I sure do. And? It's incredible. There you go. I have been sleeping on a Helix for years now. That's right. You even got a new Helix. That's right.

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It looks like in May, you can get 27% off site wide plus free bedding bundle. Whoa. That's legit. Yeah. That's a sheet set and mattress protector with any Lux or elite mattress order. Gorgeous. You go to helixsleep.com. You take that sleep quiz, tell them how you sleep and they'll send you a mattress that's tailor-made just for your joy slash pleasure.

Damn right. Uh, again, that's helixsleep.com slash segments for that extra special coupon code slash offer. Right on. Once again, helixsleep.com slash segments. Thanks Helix. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Right on.

It's interesting to imagine that some people could be dealing with some stress or anxiety these days. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And if you are, you know where to go. Yes. The best place to go is to speak to a professionally licensed therapist and the best way to find that therapist is BetterHelp.

Uh-huh. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist from their diverse network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Ooh la la. People always tell me I'd be an amazing therapist. Really? They'd be like, oh my god, you'd be such a good therapist. You should go into therapist. Have you ever done therapy or something? I doubt it. You're like kind of robotic.. You should go into therapist. Have you ever done therapy or something? I doubt it.

You're like kind of robotic. You're hard to connect with. I feel like you. But like the way I'm able to like sort of distance myself emotionally and provide really insightful insight. Not the second part, you know, do any insight. I constantly get people coming up to me, even strangers. You mostly keep people at an arms distance and kind of disassociate and make jokes.

Which is really important for patient confidentiality. They think that I'm a lockbox, I guess. Right. You do gossip a lot. Yes. And I've actually found therapy very useful myself. So if you're interested in trying it out, BetterHelp is fully online and it makes therapy affordable, convenient, and it serves 5 million people worldwide. Wow. And we're back. Yo, yo. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up.

I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up.

I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up.

I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. I'm going to try to keep my head up. Yes, yes, yes. We're all better with help. Thanks. ["Losers"] And we're back. Yo, yo. I'm gonna try to keep my grade for segment originality high. Yes, eight or nine out of 10.

You know, truth or dare? Yeah. This is truth or date. Huh, I'm gonna give you popular internet memes from when we were working at college humor. Okay. And if you can guess the year they came out, I'll tell you something embarrassing about myself, but if you get the year wrong, then you have to

tell me something embarrassing about yourself. Something embarrassing. Okay. I mean, what is there? If you can't think of it, I'll ask an embarrassing question that you have to tell the truth about. Okay, great. I can already tell you that my first question will be,

what's the most times you've masturbated in one day? So just think about that answer while I hit you with some popular internet memes from our years at CollegeHumor. It's roughly 2005 to 2015. Right, okay. Do you remember Two Girls, One Cup? Yes, yes I do.

That took the internet by storm. It certainly did. Do you remember watching that for the first time? Was that at CollegeHumor? Yeah, I'm trying to remember which office it was in because that will tell me what year it was. It feels like it was like, oh man, I'm pretty sure that it like, hmm, this could be anything.

I have a vivid memory of like everybody crowded around a computer, like 25 people all watching this on an iMac. And some people like- Not safe for work or was it safe for this work? Yeah, it was, I mean, it was this work. Yeah. We were doing our jobs.

But the video hunters- We didn't post this online. We couldn't have. No, no, we wouldn't have. No, no we wouldn't have. But I think we did like parodies of it and stuff like that. I wrote a parody where I was like the production, or the casting director for it. Oh yeah, that's right, that's right.

And I have a vivid memory of like some people like dry heaving and Jeff Rosenberg just like laughing and eating a cookie as it was all happening. It involves pooping and vomiting and all the worst stuff to see. But do you know what year it came out? What year it came out or what year it got to us? Like the height of its fame,

I'm gonna guess between 2007 and 2008. I'm gonna just guess 2000, 2007. That is correct. Wow, huge. That is correct. Wow, huge. That is correct. Nailed it. Yeah. So it's time for my truth.

Of how many times you masturbated in a day? Not necessarily that. Yeah, it won't be that embarrassing because I bet yours is like three. Yeah, I actually, I don't even know the answer. I do. I'll say, I think I've told this one recently. I had to sign a waiver saying

I was getting my braces off early because I didn't want them in college. And my orthodontist was like, you're not done here yet. And I said, I need them off for college. I can't start freshman year. So I had to sign something that said I would never sue him or get angry at him for letting my teeth. Yeah, because I basically was.

I bribed him to take them off. Cause I think you should have Invisalign. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, here's another one. All right. The bed intruder song. Oh.

The remix of the Bed Intruder guy by the Gregory Brothers. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Yeah. It was sort of the peak of Gregory Brothers lore. Yeah, and.

Who then made a video for us, a song for us. Right, oh which I think they made that after, I was gonna guess 2012, but I think it's actually earlier. So I'll guess, I think it's either 10 or 11. I'm gonna guess 2011. You narrowed it down to the right two. And I guessed wrong. But it was 2010.

Damn it, damn it. I believe it was when I was in seventh grade, maybe eighth, it was the year that I discovered masturbating. And I'm pretty sure that it was either six or seven times. It's a lot. It's a lot. I remember because I was like kind of keeping count. And before I did it the seventh time,

I think I stayed home sick from school and had to house to myself or something. Yeah. I was like, I wonder, this is like, this is seven. I wonder if anything will even come out. And newsflash, just barely. Of course. Yeah.

Dramatic Chipmunk. Oh wow. This was a big one. A five second clip of a chipmunk. Oh wow. This was a big one. A five second clip of a chipmunk but was actually a prairie dog turning its head in a dramatic fashion. Fun fact, I think I'm the reason it's called Dramatic Chipmunk.

I think I titled it incorrectly. Yes. For CollegeHumor and Wikipedia even has CollegeHumor as the origin of it. That's right. We used to go to, part of our morning, every single morning was like going to all of like the different video aggregators and looking for funny videos

that we could rip and put on College Humor. That's right. This was before YouTube. Right, so like we would see some of these like, these videos first, like that dramatic chipmunk had like 30 views when you looked at it. And then we pulled out College Huber. It's on a small page of FARC.

Maybe we can put it on our website, which is fine because FARC doesn't own it. They also took it from somewhere else. Right, exactly. And then our job was to title and caption said videos, especially if you found them. So you titled it Dramatic Chipmunk. And I think that, I honestly think that caption

helped it take off. Because Dramatic Prairie Dog wouldn't have been as viral. I don't think so. I don't think you click on Dramatic Prairie Dog as much as you click on Dramatic Chipmunk. Anyway, I believe, I would have guessed 2010 if Gregory Brothers wasn't 2010. So now I'm gonna go back to 2009.

The answer is it came out on CollegeHumor on June 19th, 2007. Seven? Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. Jesus. Wow. Gotten another embarrassing fact for me or?

I guess I'll give you a teeth related one. When I was, I guess I was probably in my mid twenties, I wanted to get Invisalign, which is something I eventually did in my late thirties. But I went, because I had braces, then I had the retainer, but then my dog ate the retainer and my teeth kind of shifted. So I wanted to get them back.

I went to the dentist. I believe I paid them like $2,000 and they took the molds of my mouth for the Invisalign. And not only that, but they actually filed one of my teeth, my canine, like the gap between my canine and my incisor because they needed space for it to shift. So there was like a tiny little pinhole between my teeth and then they gave me the retainers and I decided to bail and I never did it so I wasted thousands of dollars and had a hole in my teeth that eventually kind of filled with plaque so you couldn't really tell

but then when I was in my 30s and I moved back to New York, I started going to a good dentist and they like cleaned my teeth so well that the hole came out and people kept on telling me that I had a seed in my teeth and I was like, it's not a seed, I just have a hole there. So eventually I went to the dentist and had them fill in the hole.

I mean, that's a pretty good story and I'ma let you finish, but this is the best meme of all time. That's right. It's the Kanye West. I am a let you finish meme wherein he interrupted a young Taylor Swift. If you can believe it at the music video music awards and said, I'm a let you finish, and then everyone sort of said, I'ma let you finish for about a year. Yeah, see now I'm feeling 2009.

It's kind of fun to see the trajectory because at the time Taylor Swift cried because it was kind of like a bigger celebrity like bullying her. And now she's the biggest celebrity in the world and he's kind of a psychopath. Yeah, but only kind of. He makes a lot of sense if you think about it.

I guess he's still rich. Yeah, well, Living Well is the best revenge, but I guess I have to go ahead and guess 2009. That's correct, 2009. I don't know why you had that filed as a 2009 specific, but it's true. That happened at the 2009 for the 2008 music videos of which I forget which one Taylor switch was hosting. I'm kind of just picturing like different seasons in our office in because this we were in the 225 Park Avenue South office from I believe 2007 to 2010.

Yeah, maybe 2000. Yeah, no, it was 2000 or 2009. Was it only two years? The prime of our lives? Yeah. The prime, we were prime in 2009. Speaking of famous people who went crazy, that music video word was hosted by Russell Brand. Wow.

So between Russell Brand and Kanye West, things haven't gone well for them in the last 16 years. Not really. Do you have a truth for me, a question? I guess, when was the first time you got to second base? Same as everything. Basically kiss, second base, sex, girlfriend was all like in between

senior year of high school and college. Wow. And it wasn't, was it the same person? Same person. Different people all in one magical day. I had a different woman for every base as an 18 year old. So basically your first, your first girlfriend your senior year was your first everything.

Correct. It's cute. Speaking of correct, can you imagine a world where no nut November didn't exist? It just feels like it's always been here and yet it did start at a certain month that is traceable. Can you remember when, or do you think you could guess what year no nut November started?

It feels, I mean, just because it's, it feels like it's, it kind of feels like it's still current. So I feel like it, it can't be as early as like bros icing bros. I have to, I've got to go the latest possible year you gave me, which was 20, you said it was 2005 to 2015. Oh, I guess I was feeling 2014. So I'm gonna go with 2014. 2011. Damn. Yeah. Damn.

No Nut November. Wow. All right, ask me a question. When was the last time you cried from sadness? Cried from sadness? Sadness. Cried from sadness? Sadness. Or pain. Pain.

I feel like I've cried from stress more than I've cried from like sadness or pain. Is there a funny crying from stress story? Not necessarily recently, but back in the day. Like during College Humor, did you ever cry? No, no, and I arguably should have because there was a lot of very stressful times where I was borderline losing my job.

You just assumed it would all work out. Yeah, I feel like, well now I cry, I've started crying harder at emotional moments where at my wedding, Jill read her vows and I had a tear in my eye and I welled up. And then last, at my wedding, Jill read her vows and I had like a tear in my eye and I like welled up. And then last year for my birthday, my family like got together and wrote me a poem and I read it and I was like sobbing.

Like couldn't even catch my breath. Yeah, they say once you have kids, you cry more. Yeah, I cry so much. I mean, I cry like happy tears all the time or just like kind of like. Getting emotional. Everything is just, yeah. So it's so beautiful.

But also I remember the first few weeks of having a baby I cried from stress. Cause I was just like, I think she like wasn't sleeping and I was just like, I don't know what to do. And it's also probably like when you're so tired. So it was something like that. Everything else falls away. All right, not really embarrassing, but it's nice to hear.

Rick rolling started at a certain time. There's a world where, or there was a specific day that Rick rolling was quote unquote invented, which was, you know, linking to something that you think is something, but it's actually never going to give you up by Rick Astley. That one feels like it's, I feel like I remember opening Rick rolls in the first college humor office in Tribeca, which is why I'm gonna guess 2006. That's correct, it was made popular on 4chan in 2006.

Nice, absolutely nice. Well, I already know the last time you cried, so it was during your report card. That was when I gave you a five. You had to pause. Yeah, we edited out of the final. Yeah. So you guys didn't hear me.

Give me an embarrassing anecdote because I feel like you came up with that before. Embarrassing anecdote, embarrassing anecdote. When's the last time your dad yelled at you? He didn't yell at me, but he didn't want me to get lasik because he thought it would make me less attractive. He liked your glasses.

Yeah, he's like, you look so much better in glasses. There's no need for you to get lasik. And I was like, I get where you're coming from. And that's also a concern of mine, but I can always wear glasses if that's the case. Yeah. But yeah, my parents both sort of tried to gently convince me not to wear glasses.

He actually made a funny joke when we were discussing it. Avi Tal was there and he's like, take your glasses off. I want to see you with like what you would look like without glasses. And I took them off and he just stared at me, he goes, ugly. Oh, that's good. I hope he was kidding. stared at me goes ugly. Oh, that's good. I hope he was kidding.

But I think when you take your glasses off after wearing them for so long, like the imprint of them there not being there does seem very jarring. Yeah, I think it's all about change. We've gotten so used to it, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, here's one, dabbing.

Dabbing. Ooh, when did the idea of dabbing begin? And slash take the internet by storm. Yeah. I guess I'm gonna have to go and guess, ooh. Mostly I'm trying to remember, we did it in so many videos, but I remember it was very prevalent

on our trip to New Zealand. We were doing a lot of dabbing in the photos there. And I think that trip was in 2015. That's correct, 2015. Yes, dude. Dabbing has been used as a gesture of triumph or playfulness. Dabbing is 10 years old, if you can believe it. Happy birthday to dabbing.

If you had a kid by dabbing, they'd be 10 right now. Okay, we need another embarrassing thing from you. Uh, let's see, medical, no. Physical, if only I sort of hurt myself in a shameful way. Oftentimes when I'm playing basketball, if somebody elbows me in the ribs, I have a bruised rib that lasts for weeks to months. And it seems very innocuous.

It doesn't have to be a hard hit, but it has to be like a very specific elbow to rib shot. You've got weak ribs. Where they knock my breath out. I have very weak and susceptible to bruising rib cages. That's good. And a slight bump could set me back months. Yeah, you have a fragile frame.

Goatse. Goatse, I've Goatse. I guess I would have met, I thought that, I mean, it was around when I started at CollegeHumor. So I thought it predated, I thought it was like, I thought Goatsy was like 2002. Like early, early. This one, so Goatsy is pre 2005, that's your hint.

So this one falls outside that classic CollegeHumor timeframe. I guess I'm gonna guess like the earliest, as soon as the internet started it was Goatseed, so I'll say 1999. Wow, nailed it! In 1999 a member of the HIC crew using the handle Merlin established the Goatseed.cx website. Oh my gosh. You absolutely nailed it and can you you explain what goatsie is? It's, I mean, it's just a photo of a man bent over. Looks like he's pulling himself apart from the ass. Yeah, he's basically stretching his.

His breath hole looks like the pit of hell. Stretching it far and wide. And this is back when we were in high school. So the idea of this existing online was like, holy shit, the internet's fucking insane, man. You can see some pretty fucked up things. There were, oh God, there was like, I forget the names of these websites now, but like, you know.

Rotten.com. Yeah, the shit like that. There was another one too, where you could see like some like really fucked up like mutilation videos. Like guy cutting his dick off or like guy killing himself. Yeah, people getting hit by cars. Yeah, just fucking terrible snuff based shit.

Yeah, that's some bad stuff. I'm out of embarrassing things about me. Everything else is super awesome. Yeah. Let's go to the last one. Okay. This one made me laugh because I was looking at a list of internet memes. The prank war between me and Streeter was on the list. Whoa.

What was the year of the first prank war? I won the first prank where I was there for it. And it was also at the Tribeca office. So I'm going to say 2006. Correct. You nailed it. The first prank war was the sex tape one, which we kind of shot as a sketch, but everyone believed it.

That's right. Which sort of kicked off the prank war. The premise was that you keep on listening to Streeter's iTunes at work. So we put an audio file of him having sex on it. Yeah, it was Stacy's mom. Like I always listened to Stacy's mom and he's had enough. And so he's gonna put his sex tape audio on there

to make me listen to it. And I don't really react to it, which is like, kind of makes for a bummer prank. So I guess people thought it was real. It is pretty funny though. It's like, it's kind of that like mumble core prank. You like, you're bobbing your head, then you start hearing sex and you stop and you like keep on humming, it's kind of that like mumble core prank. You like you're bobbing your head. Then you start hearing sex and you stop and you like keep on humming, but you

take your headphones off, like you're embarrassed, go to the bathroom to a. Presumably jerk it or something. You'd have to. Yeah. This was back when people had shared iTunes libraries. Uh, remember, uh, you have your own iTunes, but you can also listen to other people's iTunes libraries. Yeah, music was so interesting. I remember like when I first started College Humor 2 like Jeff Rubin sharing some kind of like audio folder that he had. Maybe it was his iTunes

or maybe he was running Linux on his computer so I think it was different. I remember it being like 23 and hearing the Pixies for the first time and being like, damn. Finally getting into cool music. Share that on your iPhone with me please. Yeah. Okay, okay. I really need to think of one last embarrassing thing because you kind of nailed the last two.

Yeah, because I got two. Yeah. Well, when's the last time you had a wet dream? God, I don't remember actually. Really? Thankfully. Oh, the first time when you were talking about how you masturbated, the first time that I quote unquote masturbated was a wet dream. That doesn't count then. What? What did you dream about? I don't remember specifically, but I think it was, what was her name from the, I feel like we've talked about this because we've talked about everything.

There's a sitcom called Head of the Class. Masturbating a lot. Yeah, Head of the Class and, Was it, it does sound familiar. Robin Givens maybe head of the class. Uh, I had like a crush on one of the ladies there. Yeah. Robin Givens from head of the class.

Um, I guess most of my crushes between the ages of 10 and 15 were just the hottest ladies I ever watched on television. Yeah. It was a lot of saved by the bell. It was a lot of Kelly's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was a lot of saved by the bell. 80% Kelly's. Yeah, yeah. I had that idea for a podcast where all my crushes named Kelly hosted a podcast together.

So it was Kelly Kapowski from saved by the bell, Tiffany Aberthiessen hosting a podcast with Kelly Taylor from 90210, Jenny Garth hosted a podcast with Kelly Bundy, Christina Applegate. Yeah. Three Kelly's talking about what was it like being a Kelly? A teenage Kelly in 1993. That would be, you should host that podcast.

So three Kellys and a mirror. Three Kells and a little lady. Three men and a little Kelly. Yeah. All right, way to nail those. I guess it really helps to attach it to an office. Every era of college humor, three to four year memory palace that you can access.

Yeah, yeah, I can picture, when we did the Gregory Brothers, we were in the IAC building. Right. When we're watching two girls, one cup, we're standing on Park Avenue. That's right. Yeah.

It's, it's gorgeous. Okay. That's it. Those are the two segments for today. Yeah. Hope you enjoyed it. Everybody always, if you're eager for more, we're still on our Patreon watching classic Jake and Amir episodes. If you go to patreon.com slash J a yeah. And we'll be back here.

Of course, every Monday. That's right. Thank you for listening to that. And we'll see you here, of course, every Monday. That's right. Thank you for listening to that. And we'll see you next week. See you soon. Bye. Bye. That was a Hidgum original.

Hey, I'm Tony Hale. I'm Matt Oberg. And I'm Kristen Schall. And we're gonna be hosting the new podcast, The Extraordinarians, where we are going to be interviewing extraordinary people, doing extraordinary things, things that we have never and probably will never do. We talk to people who have broken records on slack lines suspended by hot air balloons.

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