If I Were You - 8: Tinder

Episode Date: June 23, 2013

In this episode we discuss how to break the ice and the meaning of art. Then our friend Ethan stops by to talk about talking about cancer.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Oh. Yeah. Jazzy. Come on. That was dope. That was by Aaron Tian, who wanted us to also give a shout out to his group, The Swagpuffs. Oh my god, The Swagpuffs. Even if I didn't hear that song and like it, I would go see them.

In concert. Oh yeah. If I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us, I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And I think this is our last episode. Wow. You sprung that on me at the same time as you're springing it on the audience. Sorry.

I mean, latest episode. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah. I shouldn't have said last. Yeah. You misspoke in a very bad way. Yeah. I guess this is just the most recent episode, I should say.

Right. Thanks so much for tuning in, everybody. Things are going great. No one asked you how you were. God, I don't know. I'm feeling good. You braggart. You shitty braggart.

All right. Thanks for listening. Everything with me is amazing, actually. I got a pretty good paycheck the other day. I don't know. I'm feeling good and I'm feeling right about it. Yeah. I am at the apex of my life.

I'm happy you're all catching me right now in this glorious moment that I'm having. You're looking up at me because honestly, I'm on top of the freaking world. You asshole. We are still sort of reeling for what happened earlier today. We usually don't even talk about what happened to our lives, but this is amazing. We want to get a little personal. You want to talk about it while I find my computer charger? Yeah, that sounds great.

So we were at, we were riding today from my apartment and there was a bunch of, I guess you could call them New York City youths out on the street just making a general ruckus, being very disruptive. Just having fun and being loud. Very, very loud. But like you said, they were being so loud that it was almost like they were trying to be as loud as they could possibly be. Yeah, they were screaming.

They were screaming talking to each other and just having an amazing time at being incredibly loud about it. How old do you think they were? I guess like maybe 14 to 16 tops and they were like skateboarding down our street and cars were honking at them. They were being, I mean, they were not, they were being dicks. They were street losing. And so I filled up a glass with water.

Well, first you wanted to water balloon them. Yeah, yeah, but we didn't have any water balloons. So I, so I filled the glass with water. We opened my window and then I just hurled, I shot the water out at them and we didn't really hear anything and then we were trying to decide if it had gotten to them. So I peeked out and two of them were just staring right at me because you were looking down at the, the close part of the sidewalk, but they were just across the street staring right at you, looking not at them.

Oh my God. And then, uh, and then both of us just hid. We, we cowered. We literally cowered like cowards for two hours. Then we finally left my apartment just, just thinking that we were going to get our asses kicked by a bunch of 14 year olds and they would have. Yeah, they definitely would have hurt us. And they were, they were, even though they were 14, there was enough of them three to

just beat the shit out of us. And they had skateboards, like just a truck across the jaw, dude. It was fun to feel exhilarated like that again, even though we were acting incredibly less mature than they were. They're at least having fun. We're just from your apartment throwing water at them behind a wall. My art was racing though. And oh my God, the best is just like there.

I'm like breathing heavily behind the wall. Like, do I look out the window? Do I look out the window? I finally did. And this dude was like, I see you. No, he caught me. They could have just waited for us. I looked at you and I'm like, well, we're not leaving your apartment.

We cannot record a podcast today because I'm not leaving here probably for the next week until these kids have to go home for dinner. I can afford my own food. How's that? Losers? They hit me in the face. I'm the loser. We're scared of you.

Yeah. Anyway, this is a public apology to those kids. Please don't beat us up if you see us in the street. They don't listen to this show. They're way too cool for that. It's true. All right, so let's get started. Enough having fun.

Let's answer some questions. Podcast isn't about fun. Yeah, it's about, you know, if people are in a sticky, bad, weird, difficult situation, email us. That email is, if I were you, show at gmail.com, keep the submissions coming. They'll email us and we will do our best to answer the most answerable questions. Wow. First one comes from John.

Two 30-year-old losers dumped a bunch of water on me and my friends. I need their address so I can kick the shit out of them. They know our address. They knew where it was coming from. Oh, and you can also listen to the show at if I were you, show.com, or seizethecheese.com. I can't believe that's real. Yes, if you go to seizethecheese.com, you can check out our podcast. We should start, we have the Frank and Oak sponsor.

We should, that should be part of a deal. Like, seize the cheese, we'll just forward to frank and oak.com. Oh, so like every time we want to sponsor, we're like, all right, so we're going to mention you guys at the top of every episode. We will tweet about you. Now, seizethecheese.com will redirect for a week. It's yours. You will loan this amazing custom URL and yeah, what do you say?

They put us in a headlock. Oh, they're the teenagers. All right, let's get started. First question is from, we'll call them, these are fake names but real problems, we'll call them Jack. Jack writes, hey guys, hopefully you've heard of the app Tinder. It's really entertaining to just judge people based on their picture. It's popular at colleges. Once I'm matched with someone, I never really know what to say.

Suggest something funny. Thanks, Jack. So just a quick refresher for those who don't know what Tinder is. Tinder is your new favorite app. Yeah, if you're single and you want to meet people, then I would get Tinder right now. Like, stop listening to our podcast, I won't be offended. Well, they can listen and download us at the same time. No, no, no, no, pause it.

Just focus because if you don't care about your profile, you won't get matched, you know what I'm saying? You've got to get matched. So what is it? You download this app and then what? You judge people? Yeah, so Tinder is an app that pulls your Facebook profile picture and then you're swiping right and left. Left if you think someone's not attractive, not your type. Right if you think they're cute.

And the cool thing is if you think someone's cute and they've also thought you were cute, it's a match. Right. And then it puts you in touch with them. It's like, you can message this girl now. So you can judge people and then also the people that you deem attractive, that also deem you attractive, you can strike up a text conversation. Yes, now it sounds like this episode is sponsored by Tinder, which is definitely not. But it could be. Though if anybody works at Tinder and you're listening, I'm a gigantic fan of your app and I'd love to advertise it for free.

So what do you do? Actually for not for free, no money. I just want to see everybody who's ever right swiped me. I just want access to your database. That information does exist, probably. Definitely. It's got to. That should be like a Tinder pro account.

Yeah, the Tinder hack. You can see anybody who's ever right swiped you, but you also have to look at everybody who's ever left swiped you. It gives you a percentage. No. And it puts that percentage on your profile picture. It's like a Tinder pro feature. You pay $10 and you just get to access all that weird information. How much would you pay to see a list of every girl that's...

$25,000. Oh my God. Jesus. Yeah. That's okay. Can you do that? You can figure it out. Yeah, I'm sure you can borderline bribe someone there for probably a fifth of that.

So the question is... Okay, you get matched with someone. It's pretty exciting. Do you instigate it? Do you do the first message? Yeah. I guess always if I want to talk to the girl, sometimes I'll get matched and then I realize the person's not entirely my type.

Right. So I don't match. Wait, so I don't message them. All you know about her is the photo. You swiped her to the right, which means you're attractive. Well, you didn't swipe her to the left. You didn't swipe her to the right. You look at four or five photos of people.

So you know a little bit. Right. In my profile, I have... It's me doing some things that I like. So if someone looks at my profile, they'll be like, oh, this guy likes traveling. He likes dancing. Uh-huh. He likes looking sexy at a camera.

But so let's say after you match and you look at a photo of a girl, what would make you change your mind? Uh, well, I mean sometimes... Sometimes you're swiping too loosely. You're like, yeah, this girl's, you know, attractive. She's not ugly, so you're like, well, God, it's not like such an asshole. That's what everybody who uses Tinder is. Right.

We're all shallow, shallow assholes, which is the first thing you can bond over. You should just message her and be like, hey, you're shallow like me. Clearly. We're just judging people for hours. We don't know anything about each other, but we do know one commonality. We're both shallow, small, shitty people. Would you like to kiss my mouth? For my advice is, I mean, I can just look at all the last messages that I've sent to

people on Tinder and it's always just like, hey, whatever their name is, that's it. Well, what would you say is bad advice? You're like, this is a big no-no. Either something that a girl has done to you or something that you've seen a guy message to a girl that you're like, well, that's bad. You just lost him or her. I think you could message almost anything at first because if it's weird, it'll be, they'll think it's a joke and if it's just like, hey, it's just totally innocuous.

I think the one no-no is like messaging them. They don't respond, which I mean, it doesn't always happen. Sometimes they're not interested and then like messaging again or like three times. So what's your mental limit? You're like, okay, if I text this person or I message her once, twice, when do you say, okay, never again? One tweet or sorry, one message. So if I'm like, hey, Jane, and she doesn't respond.

You're done forever. Yeah. Even if she's like, you consider her your soulmate. Well, how could I? I consider her attractive. Okay, so hey, Jane, let's say she does respond and you go, hey, what's up? No response. Do you ever respond to double response after the first response?

You do two responses in that instance. Hey, Jane, she says, hey, then you say, what's up? She doesn't respond. Then you respond, fuck you. We're done. And then two minutes later, interested. I know you are. Please meet me yet.

How do you like what you can't have? This is why Seinfeld needs to re-exist now because I can see Jerry be like, you never double message. You double message the single message. Tinder, there's such, there's Tinder etiquette, which is kind of cool because like Tinder is so new and like that kind of like, I mean, online dating is new and now like dating apps are super new. It's like the Wild West, like how do I act on Tinder?

How do I meet people? I have no idea. When I first got it, I like, I had no clue. I matched with someone. I was like, hi, I guess, but I think you just treat it like you're going up to somebody at a bar. Like if I went up to a girl at a bar is like, hey, Jane, and she didn't say anything. I guess I'd walk away.

Yeah. But Tinder allows you to be so much more brave than you would at a bar. Yeah. But I was like, it's so weird to like ask her like a quirky, silly question. Like, hey, do you like bananas or grapes? Right. But did you say, shut up, loser. Leave me alone.

I'm too busy judging other guys already. And you've already got the best validation in the world, which is like, this girl just said you were cute. Right. So you don't want to ruin it with being a weirdo. Just say hi. That's all you need to do. Is that what percentage of the thrill?

I always try to like quantify stuff. Okay. The ultimate goal. That's why you'll never succeed on Tinder. Would you say the ultimate goal is sleeping with a girl that you matched with? The ultimate goal. I mean, the ultimate goal is, you know. Okay.

Let's say the ultimate goal is to create a meaningful, long relationship. Yeah. The ultimate goal is me living in a farmhouse with my wife. Our children don't buy diapers. Okay. We're using cloth diapers. We wash them by hand. That's cool.

To backtrack. No, I won't backtrack. I will not. We have chickens. They lay an egg every day. We cook ourselves egg sandwiches in the morning. How's that? We got a little record player.

We played some Simon and Garfunkel. Who wants to live with me? And that's what people are going to tell from your profile picture. Okay. So let's say, to say, unmatching, or just seeing a girl is step one. Right. You're at 0%. I genuinely feel like we could talk about this for the next half hour.

Yeah, that's true. Sleeping with that person, whether it's a girl or a guy, is 100%. What percent of the thrill is matching? Are you like only 5% of the way there? Or is like matching like, oh, that's half the battle. I'm already matched. When you match, I think that's like, well, I don't know if it's like a 5%, 5% thing that builds up to 100%, which is like sleeping together.

It's like each thing is its own thing. So like matching is 100% exciting. Like when I look at my phone, it's like you've matched and like, fuck yeah. And then like, and then you look at the, and so that's like 100% excitement. Then it's like, all right, next level of the game is like, am I actually attracted to her? You're swiping through her pictures. You're like, fuck yeah, I am. Like that's really exciting.

Then like that message is like, oh, I hope she messages me back. And then she does, fuck yeah, that's exciting. The hardest thing is going from messaging to meeting. Because once you like meet, going from like meeting to hooking up is like, not going to be that hard. Because like once you're like in front of a person that you've like already built up in your mind as being attractive and cool and your potential soulmate, it's just like, it's the meeting up that's tough. That's the hardest thing. Hey, I'm a stranger that is so shallow that I just, I literally just swiped you.

Will you meet me and let me prove to you that I'm a good person retroactively? All right, so if you have one bit of takeaway advice, somebody gets matched with you on Tinder. What do you say? They just said you were attractive. So my advice is to just say hi. That's it. So just say hi, not even the person's name. Maybe the person's name is kind of friendly.

See, this is what they need to know. Jesus Christ. Okay, hi in the person's name. That's the takeaway bit. Let's move on to the next question. We spent, wow, four and a half hours on that. I could have spent way, way more. We should do an all Tinder episode.

I would, I would love that. I'm actually going to start a separate Tinder podcast. All right. Next question. This one comes from Claire. Usually you repeat the name. Yeah. I'm just going to, Claire.

Oh, Claire. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah. All right. He's back. I never left. Hey guys, your show is awesome and I love listening to you guys every week. I shouldn't have said that.

That just seems so like. You jerk. Oops. Oh, all right. Actually, that's all she said. That's all she wrote actually. So, okay, she continues. So I just finished college.

Woo. But I was also just diagnosed with cancer. Boo. People keep asking me what I'm up to now and I feel like I should tell them about the cancer, but I don't want to immediately ruin the conversation. How should I bring it up without making everyone incredibly uncomfortable? I don't want people to feel bad for me, but I also feel pretty obligated to let people know.

What is a fun, interesting way to introduce the disease into the conversation? Thanks, Claire. So, pretty serious shift. Heavy stuff. Let's just skip it. Yeah. You read it in such a jolly voice. No.

When I read this question, I instantly came to mind a good friend of mine, Ethan, who worked with us before. He helped write the College Humor book, and he now works for Mental Floss, and Ethan was diagnosed with cancer how long ago? About nine hilarious months ago. Nine hilarious months ago, and I said, what better person to answer this question about how to broach the fact that you have cancer than to bring Ethan on the show and talk about how he did it?

So, Ethan, what did you do? Well, I have bad news for you, Claire. It's going to be awkward if you bring it up in conversation. And if you bring it up in a fun, quirky way, people will think that you're also crazy in addition to having cancer. So, I would maybe dial it back on that front. This is one of those things that email is great for. Anything that you wouldn't do to break up with someone because it feels too cowardly is a

great way to tell them that you have cancer. Text, cancer, frowny face. All you need, they'll pick up the subtext. I was talking cancer. So, don't tweet about it, don't tinder message about it. So, I think you told me over an email. Was it like a mass email or did you email individual people? No, I kind of made a conscious decision, which I think you have to do to only tell the people who need to

know because it's hard enough already having the cancer. You don't want for the cancer to become the only interesting thing about you. You kind of don't want to brand yourself as the person with cancer. Claire, maybe you do. I wouldn't recommend it. There's no money in that. But I kind of made the decision that I would tell the people that I was close with on my team at work and I would tell my close friends and sort of people who are acquaintances who ask what you're up to.

You can just lie because when someone asks what you're up to, they generally don't really want to know literally everything you're up to. Yeah, came up there can be left off the list. People you see every day or hang out with, they're probably going to notice that something's wrong, so you should tell them that you are losing lots of weight for a reason. But I would go with the email, the text. If you send that email to people you're really close with, the people that see you every day will eventually hear it from them

because that's kind of news people just sort of tell other people too. Yeah, you really can let your friends sort of be the disbursement instrument there because that's what friends are for. Yeah, takes the pressure off you. And also, it is really awkward to tell someone, but it's almost more awkward to be told in person. Like, oh, I've got cancer. There's no good way to react to that. I mean, you wouldn't have known if I just feel like, hey, so thanks for coming out to dinner with me.

A bit of a tumor issue here. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so don't put people on the spot like that because then they'll feel like they got to say something meaningful or helpful, but unless they're an oncologist or a priest, that's really not going to be either. So I would skip the conversation thing entirely. Straight up over email. Did you tell anyone personally? My girlfriend was actually on vacation when I found out with her college friends. Oh my God.

And I thought- Oh my God, vacation was crazy. Look at all these pictures. You're just like waiting to drop the bomb. Well, she brought me an awesome gift. It was a pen from the Jacksonville Airport. Oh my God, that's great. So I'm sure she still feels guilty about that.

But no, I waited because what are you going to do? Call someone on vacation? You should be like, look, I need for you to leave the bar on the beach. That's noblest fuck though because I bet if I got cancer, I'd be calling all of my friends and be like, hey, leave the bar on the beach. If I had a girlfriend, I'd be like, you better come home right now. Drop everything you're doing. Drop the pen. She dropped out of medical school was the problem.

So she wasn't going to be any help. Go back in. But how did it end up for you? Just a little bit of context, I guess. This was nine months ago that you were diagnosed. Well, he's dead. Yeah, the end. And moving on.

So it was really nice of you to come to the hospital to record this. A little self-serving, but I appreciate it. No, I mean, it went well. Like you said, like my friends who I told then sort of, you know, spread the news around to other acquaintances where I didn't have to have a series of very awkward interactions with people. You're dealing with enough. Yeah. And that's really, you got to do sort of your own thing and don't worry about being selfish. No one is going to hold it against you that you didn't have the conversation with them.

Like anyone who gets mad that you didn't personally tell them is a crazy person. I want to tell Ethan off, but he's getting chemo right now. The sessions are so long, but I'll wait. I think I'll send him an angry text and see what he gets out of it. So yeah, it's good. And then people are really supportive, but I mean, it is hard when you tell people because they like the natural inclination is to try to say something helpful. And really not a whole lot is going to be helpful, but people are nice. So they want to say something comforting and you just sort of put them in an awkward spot if you just tell them point blank.

What's the best and worst ways to respond to that email? LOL. That's the best. Or actually just an audiophile of you laughing out loud would be the worst way. But no, I mean, everyone comes back and says something very supportive and they'll, you know, if they can help you in any way pretty much. So it's tough because cancer is so many things and it's so different for so many people. Like I know people who have very serious forms of cancer and you don't know how to react. Like is this like a small issue?

Is it a big issue? Is it an in-between issue? Yeah, and that's a big part of when you do tell people that you kind of want to contextualize it like that. So they'll know they, because really you hear someone has cancer and you assume they're going to die. So a lot of, I felt like a lot of my emails to people was like, all right, so this thing is going on and then trying to back it up and be like, but it's going to be fine. It's not going to be fun for a while. There's going to be a lot of surgery and chemotherapy and stuff like that.

But once you get through that part of it, it's not so bad. You are very much a trooper throughout this entire thing. Like I barely even. Yeah, I would hate to come on our podcast. An absolute trooper. It was slightly worse than chemo. Oh my God. That's your iTunes review.

I'm dropping you guys to three stars. No. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule.

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If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. You can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. You can get that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up.

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Thank you, Squarespace. Yeah, do you want to plug anything since you're on the show? You know, tens of 15 people might listen to this. If you want to, you know, talk about mental floss, maybe. Yes, I'm an editor at mental floss magazine. You should buy the magazine. It's very funny and a lot of fun. And it's strongly anti-cancer.

Claire. That's an anti-cancer slant. So if you can get over that, it's a really good magazine. I even have stuff in there sometimes. Oh, yeah. Amir has a column in every issue now where he talks about the history of an object. That's right. It's fun.

What's more fun than objects? A history of an object? Yeah. So the first one was oysters. The history of oysters. Yeah. We just did the history of avocados. They're not always.

I'm surprised that wasn't your first one. That's true. That is the only thing I talk about. So Ethan, will you stick around? We have one or two more questions to get to. Okay. Yes. All right.

All right. We tricked him into being here. The door's locked now. This is all a long con, starting with the cancer and ending now. Jesus. All right. This one is from, who haven't I said yet? Charlie?

Charlie. That's the one. Charlie. Hey, Amir and Jake. The name is Alex. Please don't differ from it. For my art class, I'm trying to produce the image that the youth of today has lost innocence. So to do that, I'm producing a skateboard with Velma from Scooby-Doo with her Tata's

about to be revealed. My teacher says if I create it, I won't be in the school exhibition and I could possibly get in a whole lot of trouble with my Catholic school. The message is so strong and I'm so compelled to do this because although it does break the boundaries, maybe that's what some people need to fucking understand how shit our generation has become. What should I do? I love this so much.

I have a message, okay? It's Velma with her Tata. He said Tata. You can't say Tata's. I don't have an artistic message. This is about art, okay? It's Velma's Tata's. Is Velma the one on the turtleneck?

Yeah. I hope the teacher's real problem with it was that it wasn't Daphne. They don't be totally acceptable. Velma's the beat one? Yeah. Yo, trust me. I'm swiping her left on Tinder. Am I seeing Velma?

You know, I kind of look like Velma. Daphne's the hashtag dope, but besties. Velma's the hashtag nope. So you're swiping Daphne to the right, Velma to the left. But what if it's Velma to the left? What if it's Velma to the right? Velma's the hashtag nope. So you're swiping Daphne to the right, Velma to the left.

But what if it's Velma with her Tata's about to be revealed? Shit, is it on a skateboard? This guy's clearly a punk asshole. He's like, I'm trying to be an artist. Some pushing the boundaries. How shit our generation has become. You are the shit part of the generation, sir. You're trying to show a bunch of nuns at a Catholic school of Velma's Tata's.

I say go for it. I say take it. Well, yeah, I want to see the skateboard. I want to see the Tata. Fuck that, dude. I want to see him out. Forget on a skateboard almost revealing her Tata's. I want her on a wakeboard top litter.

Scrappy, blowing Scooby on a longboard. I have a surfboard where Shaggy's just doing the goatsie pose. You think our generation's gone to shit? I think they've gone to one level beyond shit. Here's, I don't even know another person on Scooby. There's a mural of everybody in the human centipede. The entire Scooby-Doo cast. Shaggy's just eating out Scrappy-Doo's asshole.

But yo, the world needs to see this, okay? You don't understand. Society's gone to shit and the world needs to know. I don't care if I get suspended from school. Sister Gallagher. It is a Catholic school. He's got to get this shit in the exhibition. That's like, people need to see it.

Yeah, you have to make this and save it. And then when you're like 25, try to explain why it was so important to your friends. You don't get it, man. Ten years ago, our generation was beyond shit. It was Daphne or it was Belmont with her Tata's already coming up. If he makes this, I'll buy it. I'll buy it. For real.

I think I would buy this art. All right, Alex, you're an artist. Stick to your guns. You do you. I mean, yeah, pushing the boundary. That's what art is. It's no do you. That's what's up right now.

Yo, do you. You know who else? Push the boundary is Jackson Pollock. And his shit is in museums everywhere. That's right. That's you, man. Oh, have you ever seen that Jackson Pollock where Lisa Simpson is blowing Bart? Yeah, that was the one that really pushed the boundaries.

That was really cool. Didn't Jackson Pollock paint Calvin pissing on huh? It makes you think. Calvin pissing on his own imaginary friend. Yeah, you do you. If I were you, I would do it. That's a great story too. Later in life, you get in trouble.

You tell people. Yeah, I mean, if you got suspended from high school right now, it's probably not that big of a deal. Or if you even, did he say suspended or just in trouble at school? I mean, I'm sure he would get somewhat suspended. I'm dead serious, dude. This shit's important. I don't think there's a possibility to be seen.

How did Velma become the symbol of our generation? Especially for the skitties in high school. Look at that, your generation. That's like 1973. Who's the, who's the Velma equivalent now? I guess we wouldn't know because we're too old. Who is the Velma equivalent now? What's a cartoon that's popular?

Family guy? Meg? Oh yeah, Meg does kind of look like Velma. All right, Meg's tits. That's our suggestion. Make it Meg's tits. I'm getting suspended then saying I would have gotten away with it too. It wasn't for those crappy nuns.

Those shifty, shifty nuns. That's what they say at the end of Scooby-Doo, right? I would have gotten away with meddling kids or something. Oh. Like every single villain says that at the end of Scooby-Doo. Oh fuck, I should clarify that a lot of people wrote in after the last episode that Suffer and Suck Attache was actually said indeed by Daffy. So everybody thank you for the tweets, the emails.

I got 100% confirmation that Daffy said, Suffer and Suck Attache. Yeah, he said it to that little, what was that little yellow bird? The little bird. Oh yeah, the little yellow Tweety bird. Tweety was always like, that's all folks. And we're hardcore Looney Tunes fans. Oh, this is another funny thing that came out of the last episode.

We were talking about the girl who gave the guy a hand job. Right, the married guy a hand job. Did you hear about this? Yes, I did. All right, cool. So we got confirmation. This is real confirmation. I know it's Sylvester.

Everybody stop fucking harassing me. So the guy just stopped writing and very scared me. I'm sorry I was wrong. Though on Wikipedia it said that Daffy said it six times. Like even though Sylvester, it's like, oh whatever. Made it popular. Anyway, so the hand job was on a bus. What?

Amir is pointing at me like I shouldn't have said it. No, I was waiting for a reaction, but I forgot we weren't doing this live. The hand job that we assumed happened on a bus did happen on a bus. And why did you think it happened on a bus? Oh, because a bus is like the only place that only a hand job can happen. Like if it were anywhere else, god, she would have at least kissed him or something, right? Just a hand job under a jacket on a bus. Which I believe happened to me on a field trip to Washington DC in eighth grade.

Wow, you got a hand job in eighth grade? Yeah, by actually my teacher who was married. That's very, we should have talked about this a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. Alright, let's just squeeze in one more question. We're having fun here. And we're only at the 42 minute mark, right? Alright, one last question just so you guys get your money's worth.

Zero dollars. This question comes from another dude. Got a name for him? Locke. Locke. Locke says, I've been forced to quit my 60 hour a week job because I wouldn't have passed the drug test. They told me I had to take because a customer said I looked, quote, mentally ill, whatever that means. Anyway, I live with my parents and I haven't told them.

I just leave and go to the strip club or hang out with friends until they look, until they think I would be off work. My question is, how can I let my parents know I don't work them anymore, work there anymore without revealing I did too many drugs sent from my iPhone? Does it really say that from my iPhone? I'm surprised it's not a droid. Drug people love droids. Sent from my droid. I can't, like, the customer said I looked mentally ill, whatever that means. It actually means that you look mentally ill.

It means that you look like you don't have your mind right. It looks like that your mind is so crooked that instead of telling your parents you don't have a job, you go to a strip club for, let's see, 60 hours a week divided by five. That's a 12 hour work day that you're faking. Wow. That's a strip club for 12 hours. So I think that's what she means by mentally ill. I mean, I think you look mentally ill and I don't even know what you look like. Just judging by this email, you're clearly a sociopath or something.

So how does he let his parents know that he doesn't work there anymore without revealing he did too many drugs? Well, here's, I would like to introduce a new segment of our show, which is where we give advice, not that you've asked for, but advice that you need. So you're asking, like, how to tell your parents that you lost your job without telling them that you did a lot of drugs. My advice is to stop doing so many drugs and don't go to the strip club so much. I could go either way on the strip club. Really though, having a job is not like being in school. Your parents are going to get a report card that says why you were fired. You can make up literally any reason you can imagine until your parents that and they either believe it or they don't.

That's true. There's like thousands of reasons people get fired. I mean, no, I don't want to give them lies. You're so drugged up that you can't even come up with a lie about why you lost your job. In this economy, you could just say that they're downsizing. You could do literally anything you want. You could say you were over-qualified, but you can't come up with these lies because your mind is so fogged and cloudy with strippers like dangling vaginas and Bong resin. Make a change, man.

Do tell your parents it's drugs. Tell your parents get some fucking help. This is the first step of the rest of your life. Yeah, it is funny that he can't even come up with an excuse because he's, I guess, borderline too high, drugged out. I mean, I don't know. I'm such a square. Finally, you admit it. Now I get to give him your advice.

You want to be cool, man? You got to get on Tinder. I just want to say that I realized earlier in this question, I called it drug people. As people who take drugs, that's how much of a square I am. So you're asking the wrong person. Have you ever been to a strip club? Once with you in Las Vegas and I was very uncomfortable. You went to, oh my god, that's right.

Shit. It was not a good time. You know, it's also like Pat Castles and Jeff Rubin have both, or Jeff Rubin said he's only been to a strip club once and it was with me in Las Vegas. I think I've been there to, like, whenever my friends are like, I've never been to a strip club. I guess it's a life experience I should have. Jake, take me. That's not a good sign either. But it's not like you've been plenty of times, have you?

I guess not plenty. I mean, when I was this kid, when I worked at a candy store in New Haven, I would go to the stage door. Johnny's a lot. I'm 2 a.m. on a Monday. So I guess I've been there, buddy. It gets better or worse. It's up to you. Make the changes, Jake said earlier.

So our advice is, if I were you, I wouldn't lie to your parents, even though you clearly can very easily. Just tell them, you know what? I did too many drugs. I have a problem. I'm going to get cleaner. You know, sometimes I wish I had a drug problem so that I can do something very clear and easy. I wish that I had something wrong with me so I could wrap my way out of it or something. But I'm so perfect.

And then you have no room to improve. Holy shit. Like, I am a man without flaws and I'm at the top of the mountain. You're such an asshole. What do I do now? You just said you were a square. You just said five seconds ago that you were too much of a square. Yeah, but how do I improve that?

What? I act more recklessly? No, that's dangerous. That is way too dangerous. That is unbelievable. Holy shit. Your mic's peaking. Your voice is going to an octave that the mic can't sustain.

You know what? You're right. I'm going to take things a little more loose from now on. I'm going to wash my glasses every other day. I've decided. And guys, hold me to it. If you see my lenses and they look like they're frames without lenses because they're so fricking spotless, call me out.

Call me out on the street. Your teeth are getting bigger as you're talking right now. All right. Long episode, but it was worth it. What's our time right now? We're at 37-ish minutes. Holy shit. We better get out of here.

Ethan, thanks for coming on the show. Yeah, thanks for having me. And you are completely healthy now, right? So everybody doesn't email us and acts very concerned for you. Yes. This is not coming to you from beyond the grave, although that would be an amazing podcast guy. Oh, man.

That'd be awesome. Every week, a different dead guest. If we could have any guest. Even if it's just every week, the same dead guest would be amazing. Yes. Thanks so much for coming on to the show, Ethan. And you can read more of Ethan's work at mentalfloss.com or get the magazine. You can even read what I have to say about oysters and avocados.

And thanks so much for listening, everyone. Oh, we still are getting, collecting, gathering theme song submissions. The first one was from a guy named Aaron Tien. This one is from someone named Rose Greenberg. Any musicians out there or want to be musicians or struggling musicians? Well, I guess when I say musicians, I mean struggling musicians. The successful ones are not submitting to our podcast. You had a funny idea, which was to start the podcast once with a daft punk song.

And I was like, oh, wow. So this theme song is daft punk and Pharrell. That's kind of neat. I guess they're fans of the show. Welcome, dude, if I were you. This one is from Rose Greenberg. And if you're a musician like Rose, like Aaron, like anybody and want to submit your theme song, do so at our Gmail, which is IfIWereYouShowatGmail.com.

And once again, you can listen to the show at IfIWereYouShow.com or SeizeTheCheese.com. Later, everybody. That's the only advice podcast.