If I Were You - 80: Adam Di-Rankmo (w/Adam DiMarco!)

Episode Date: May 26, 2025

In this episode, we catch up with an old friend, then make him rank 20 bad things. Catch Adam DiMarco on Overcompensating only on Amazon Prime.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Hedgum Original. Mc Crispy Strips are now at McDonald's! Tender, juicy, and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious. New Mc Crispy Strips, now at McDonald's. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba Jake and Amir are two Jews that you can't forget

In 2010 they were big on the internet But then three failed pilots, two rejected movie scripts Won't last each effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Seconds. Another podcast. Seconds. Each app different from the last. Seconds. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook shows.

Now let's. Meet you two pathetic hoes. Seconds. All right, back at you again with Demarco on pod. What's up everybody? Boys, boys, boys. If it isn't the boys. Holy shit, I feel like it's been what?

A month, minimum, maximum 10 years, somewhere in that, right? Two years, wait, were you on segments or if I were you? I was on if I were you. Why did you guys rebrand and be honest? If you want us to be completely honest, Jake and I had an enormous falling out. I tried to sue him for the name if I were you.

He fought back tooth and nail. He ended up losing in court. I did win the feed, but we had to change the title because the judge throughout the case, because I was caught masturbating during like one of the proceedings in the parking lot. After winning, you were so ecstatic. You had to crank one out in celebration. The front facing story is that we sort of answered every question there is to answer. And Jake is sort of picking up the pieces now on his Subst stack, jakehurwitz.substack.com.

Not quite, but thank you for the plug. Substack.com slash jakehurwitz. Slash at jakehurwitz, I think, but it doesn't really matter. It actually really matters. Okay. I have to read it correctly if you don't sue me again. I just don't care if you plug it or not. Yeah, you guys really did answer every possible question.

Well, there were only three. I think when I was on two, there was, we did like a Game Boy where you just found a random one based on a word. But then someone had said that you already answered that. Yeah. It was like about a parrot. You guys parakeet?

You guys did parakeet twice. Yeah, no, we did a lot of bar stuff. Kind of a greatest hit. A lot of friend zone issues. How to deal with a breakup, how to deal with a wake up, how to deal with a toke. How to deal with a wake up.

My cousin is smoking weed. Right, they all kind of run together. Sometimes I'll meet people and they're like, you answered my question or you played my theme song. And I'm like, amazing, what was it? And they'll say it and I have no, it's like it never happened. We did a lot, we answered a lot and now we've shifted

to something a little more open-ended, which allows us to sort of flex our freak flag a little bit if I'm allowed to say. Get a bit more creative and also maybe like panic or be like, oh God, we need to do something, more work maybe, which is nice. More work, less play, but less answering, less email reading, more just creativity.

Like for example, one time I led Jake on a oral journey across America to see if he knew every state and their geographic orientation. That was a segment. Sometimes Jake wrote a poem and I tried to guess if it was his. Oh, we should have done poems for DeMarco.

Yeah, DeMarco-um of sorts. Damn. Poems were a good segment. I like poetry. Poetry or poetry. Yeah. You had a great poem. It was hot.

Was it hot? Hot music. Yes. Yes. People are still talking slash referring. Harry skips across chalk towers. It still moves me to tears. Jake memorized it for a talent show.

When you guys watch your, like, you know, cause you guys famously have like the one piece of web series where it's like over a thousand episodes. That's a lot, yeah. All in. Do you, you'll do like stuff with that on here too? Or didn't you do like um? Oh, yeah, our patreon the best episode of all time. Oh, that's different

Okay, we did a we did a tournament recently best Jake and Amir episode of all time Which existed half on YouTube half on our patreon we did end up crowning a winner Did tinder win tinder came close tinder came it was in the file for I think Ultimately IT guy won it was and how'd you feel about that was it? It was in the Final Four, I think. Ultimately, ITGuy won. And how did you feel about that? Was it five-spot? We were sort of torn between ITGuy and break. What, it's celebrity email?

Oh yeah, celebrity date. I think celebrity date, actually. Were there any guests in it? Did it have any of like interrogators? Was that in there, in the running, or was it just the ones with YouTube? Those were in the Final 64. We did do a full tournament. Thanks for watching. So we got dupes in there in the running or was it just the ones with YouTube? Those were in the those were in the final 64. We did do a full tournament.

Thanks for watching. So we got dupes in there. Cheryl, a few milkman episodes. Cheryl's good. Interrogator is an incredible video, but at the end of the day, it's pretty one note. It's just kind of been sucking my dick repeatedly for an entire video. Best episode of all time.

Since then, I think. We would never rely on that kind of potty slash blue humor these days. We like to consider ourselves slightly more elevated than just jokes about jacking off or whatever. So it was eye-opening and kind of disgusting to see. Last episode of this podcast, we did a deep dive. You asked me when Goatse came out.

Yeah, I was curious. You asked me when Goatse came out. Adam, do was curious. You asked me when Goatse came out. Adam, do you know what Goatse is? That was a segment? When did Goatse come out? Yeah, we were doing a truth or date. Oh, okay. We were guessing what time internet memes existed.

Can I, 98. Very close, very close. 99. When did it come out? Fuck, I almost said 99 and I was like, wow. Okay, cool. Didn't I get it? I nailed it.

It would be bad, it's good that I don't know exactly. I think he started stretching his asshole in 98, but the internet saw it in 99. It didn't, it didn't. He didn't get it wide enough until 99. I've been seeing some, I mean, like, do you guys ever notice watching people's internet? Comedy videos especially front-facing comedy videos people kind of ripping off your like cadence or style of humor that you kind of I hate to Refer to like Jake me has such no it's an oh my Jake me has such a cadence

It is such a cadence it has such a humble, but I do see people now kind of you know Yeah, a paying homage. I guess you know, you do notice, right? I'll send, I'll send a cease and desist a few. Yeah. A few times I will send a cease and desist over TikTok. You'll get it. And I ended up suing us. You dragged my ass to court. We went there.

Yeah, and then you masturbated. That's right. I did make a jacking off joke nine minutes ago, but I've grown up since then. And I've realized that like not everything has to just go devolve into the bluest possible form of comedy. I like to consider myself a poet most of all, an archivist second, a satirist third,

a jacker off of all trades fourth, and fifth maybe like a lawyer or an amateur politician or something like that, I think, if that answers your question. For anyone listening at home, he's dropping a trowel and spreading his ass so wide. It looks like a cave is forming around his eyesight. We all know when the first goats his eyesight,

but I wanna be the last. Yeah, and so the rebrand's been going well. It's been going awful well. I had someone, I forget who, maybe my agent's assistant. When he saw this on my calendar, he's a big fan of yours. We're huge with agent's assistants. It's so great. Yeah, yeah.

Not so much the agent's. You're doing that again. I've been listening and like, Jake, I don't know, it feels like he's just become a much better person recently. Wow. Do you agree? That I've become a better person? Well, yeah, I guess Adam's probably asking you. Also, like, why are you basing this on? Do you think I'm a better person? Well, yeah, I guess I'm probably asking you a question.

Also, like, when are you basing this on? Do you think I'm a better person? No, I'm asking you, Jake. Why has your life gotten worse since you've become a better person? Have you ever thought about that? Like, your life was awesome when you were a piece of shit, just doing whatever the fuck you wanted.

And now you're a good person, and you're kind of like stressed out. Like, it's not fun to be good, I think, globally. Actually, I think the- No, he didn't say a good person, you're kind of like stressed out, like it's not fun to be good I think, globally. Actually I think the- He didn't say a good person, he just said a much better person. Better person.

Maybe still bad but- From two to four, yeah. I think it was actually kind of convenient. I feel like the shift seems more intense to people because it was actually happening slowly over time and I hid it from people. Oh I see. Because like we started the podcast in 2013.

Making moves in silence. Yeah, I see. Because like we started the podcast in 2013. Making moves in silence. Yeah, I was Max Shithead, but then kind of like mid 2014 close to 2015. You changed your name to Jake Herwood. Yes, from Jacob. Yeah, I started going by Jake. From Max Shithead, from Max Shithead. That was when I started dating Jill

and I think that made me a better person, but I didn't admit it on the podcast and I would still kind of play the Shithead because I could go back there in my mind. I could channel that character. And then I got engaged and I kind of came clean that I was not doing as much of a shithead. Yeah, exactly.

Do you still have shithead? This is my goatsie. This is my magnum goatsie. And again, Jake is bending over right now. It's really, really taut. It's not spreading at all. It's barely a fucking, it's gotta be less than a centimeter. It's a balloon knot.

I mean, my God. Our first segment is This Is My Goatse, where we all do goatse on Zoom. But it's an audio only podcast, so you guys have to take care of your word for it. Shoatsy. What do you guys think of shoatsy? Shoatsy or tell.

This is our goatse shoatsy. And you can play along at home. Be goatee while listening. When you were on our podcast, it must've been years ago at this point, you were promoting White Lotus. Now you're a new show, correct? Yeah, overcompensating, prime video, college comedy.

How many episodes are we talking? College humor. It's college type humor. That's legal. That's right, full circle. It's like, yeah. It's kinda. That's right, full circle. It's like, yeah, it's kind of like American Pie, Mean Girls vibes, but. I like that.

It's our writer, Schroeder, Benito Skinner, famously Benny Drama online. Of course. It's kind of his semi-autobiographical coming out journey going to college in the closet, and then just trying to still play his role of being like a jaw, like you know, like a frat bro jock and then, yeah.

That's cool, is it, what year does it take place in? Like is it a flashback of his college time? It's kind of timeless, does it, we'd never say when it takes place because it has modern references, references to like 2014. There's been a couple articles about it. What does this take place? Like it's a bad thing, but it's like that was.

I don't think there are. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. You're steamrolling him with the most worthless question I've ever heard. Do you dab in it? Or anybody really? I don't dab in it. There might be a dab. Do you dabble with acting in it?

Quiet, dude. I dabble with acting in it. But I, there might be in the background of one of the shots. There might be a dab in there somewhere. Is it out? You'll just have to watch and find out if there's a dab in it.

Can I watch it today? There's the relevant question. Yeah, you I watch it today? There's the relevant question Yeah, you can watch it today. It's it's out. It's it's uh people. It's people are binging it Wow That's exciting. Is it all all wait ten episodes twelve episodes eight episodes eight episodes Yeah, it's just like what's going on with this eight? Answer he's talking is because it's I know I don't even know how many episodes before you said what's with this eight episode thing.

What's with this eight episode thing? It's probably to save money. Because I'm watching YNS and it's also eight episodes. Yeah, that's fine. If you have more money you do 10 and then people complain. We're kept at an arms length. We're on the outer circle.

And then fucking a show goes 10 and you're like this is too long. They're taking too long. I don't like Sepparate. I'm curious what the episode order is these days. Guys, guys, guys! Let's get to the segments. He don't like Zebra's. I'm curious what the episode order is these days. Guys, guys, guys. Let's get to the segments. He's right.

He's right. Fuck. All right. Showtime everybody. Drop Trow boys. So we've been doing something recently called Ranker, which has kind of taken America by storm in which Jake and I come up with 10 embarrassing things

and the other person has to rank them in order of most to least embarrassing the thing you'd wanna do the most all the way down to the thing you wanna do the least. Yes, I'm familiar. It's usually us doing it to each other. We've never had a celebrity slash guest Ranker in our presence.

Do you want to play a segment I'm calling Adam Durancarow. Let's go. Durancarow. Demarckranc. You said Durancarow. Durancarow basically. I kind of expected thunderous applause. Get him more. That's why you're here. That's perfect. Adam Derankmo. Speaking of names, James says hi. What? Oh yeah, Theo James.

Yeah bro, James. No shit. James says hi. I wonder if you said hi to all of us. Yeah, tell them. I'm wondering. Cause we both, I feel like. James is like, oh you're doing,

James is like, oh you're doing Jake's podcast. I was like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, just tell them my, tell them my like, Oh, you're doing James is like, Oh, you're doing Jake's podcast. I was like, yeah. Yeah. I'm like, just tell him my, tell him my like, adapt them up. Like I don't know how you explain that. Somebody you say like, I call him TJ. Sometimes I call her, call him big James.

Some call times I call him like a daddy Theo. I tried DMing him, but it was a fan account. True. It would come up as that for you. We're not on Instagram. I'm wondering if, yeah, because like I'll bombard like probably 50 different Theo James accounts. Most of them don't reply.

Some of them say it's a fan account. Most of them are like in Brazil or Amsterdam or whatever and none of them reach him. I'm wondering if you still have his number, because you passed along that message to Jake, but not quite- Durankro, Durankro. Yeah, Durankro. Let's do it. A damn Durankro.

Durankmo is the one. Let's fucking finalize that, Durankmo. Okay, let's take a break, come back, and we're gonna hit you with 10 embarrassing situations from each of us. Yeah. And we'll go over the rules as well. ["Losers"]

Okay, we're back. All right. Yes, yes. The rules are pretty self-explanatory, but I'll repeat them just in case anybody forgot. Jake and I are gonna alternate hitting you with 10 embarrassing situations for 20 total. 20. We can't repeat ourselves. Jake and I are gonna alternate hitting you with 10 embarrassing situations for 20 total. 20?

We can't repeat ourselves. And you have to write down them all unless you think you can remember them all. This is a 20? 20, okay. 20. Oh my God. And then at the end of the 20, you'll say,

okay, I'll most wanna do this. It looks like he wants to leave. And then it goes all the way down to the thing you wanna do the least. All right, let's do it. Right, oh, you start with the thing that you think is fine. And you end with the worst one. And you guys have these written down

or you're just going off the top of the dome? We have them written down, yeah. I spent a week preparing. And you don't wanna just copy and paste them into the Zoom chat? I have to write these down as you're saying them. Yeah, because having a game is memorizing them or taking little notes. you can even jot. Right. I don't know if you

have a pen and paper there. If you have like a if you have like a shorthand or something, you know, Jake, I told you not to bring up my short hand. I don't have one really short hand. Yeah, that one really short. Okay, I'm just gonna type in, okay, notes app. Okay. Okay, Amir, you wanna go first? All right, I'll go first.

Okay. When ordering food from a delivery app, you need to order it to a neighbor's house and have them tell you when it arrives because quote, well, I'm famous and you're kind of not. That's good. Did you write that one down? Okay.

Oh yeah. It was good. Did you write that one down? Okay. You. Oh yeah. It was good. You have earth shattering orgasms, the best sex of your life. That's it. But you can only cum if you say yabba dabba doo. Okay.

Got it. I'm borderline already doing that, so that one seems fine. You launch an Adam DeMar coin on Instagram, on main, within reason, but the proceeds go to a charity of your choice. So you're dabbling in crypto, but it's ultimately for a good cause.

I see. Okay. You find a parking spot anywhere you go, but your car has a bumper sticker that says, let's go Brandon. Okay. That says, yabba dabba doo. Jake just hates the Flintstones.

Fred is a fuck. You could find a parking spot, but you have to drive the car with your feet. Yeah. All right, here's my third one. Speaking of charity of your choice, you hard launch a girlfriend girlfriend named charity charity choice by posting a photo with you and a woman.

But there's an emoji over her face on Instagram, on Maine within reason, within reason, whenever you ask someone where the bathroom is, you have to clarify. I don't have to go. I can hold my piss and shit like a boss. I just want to look in the mirror so I can remember how hot I am. Or you can just not ask people where the bathroom is, right?

That's only when you're asking. Right, you can find it yourself. But if you don't know where it is, you have to say this. Yeah. Okay. Have you done the premiere of this show? Is there like a red carpet premiere? It already happened. You don't follow where it is, you have to say this. Yeah. Okay. Have you done the premiere of this show? Is there like a red carpet premiere? It already happened.

You don't follow me on Instagram. Yeah. Obviously I do. You're a piece of shit. Okay. Yeah, it was last week. Why is this a premiere one? Yeah, this is a premiere related one, but maybe for your next thing.

Tell me you don't follow me on Instagram without telling me you don't follow me on Instagram. Tell me I'm muted without telling me I'm muted. Yeah, I follow you. I just, I've hacked the app to never show me on Instagram. Tell me I'm muted without telling me I'm muted. Yeah, I follow you. I just, I've hacked the app to never show me your content. You get a nosebleed on the red carpet premiere of your next show. Okay. Within reason.

That's actually kind of cute. I feel you could spin that. Speaking of red carpet fits, you can never wear your shoes on the correct feet again. It's awful. If anyone points it out, you have to say they're on correctly. It's my feet that are wrong. I was born flip. Yabba dabba, dude.

Well, can I get that quote? No, they're on correctly. It's my feet that are wrong. Hey, you're not supposed to repeat yourself. That's the whole. Oh, you're right. I forgot that's where the announce that rule of game. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I didn't know that there was no repetition. It's like a Simon Says situation, yeah.

Okay. You do the Seth Meyers late night show, but you have to wear gym gloves unexplained for the whole day, including on the show. Okay. That's good. You get a really sweet, perfectly trained dog, but you have to post a shout out on Instagram

announcing that you partnered with a puppy mill and you got the animal for quote, less than 14K. Hashtag shop don't adopt. I actually had a very similar one. So I'll go to the pet one. You foster a cat until 2026, which is pretty cute, but maybe inconvenient if you're traveling a lot, hashtag adopt. Don't shop, shop, don't adopt or sorry.

Shopped on top. I paid out a very pretty penny, but it's hypoallergenic to a fault. You become fluent in every language, but when you speak any of them, you use a really derisive voice that sounds like you're mocking the culture. So you can talk offensively in any language. You can speak Italian, but you like it's really over the top offensive.

Okay. What would that sound like Jake? 30 seconds of deep audio. I mean, you could probably monetize that if you spoke every language. You need to start every first date for the rest of your life with a hot English breakfast tea. So if it's a night situation, you still have to order an Earl Grey hot breakfast tea.

Extra hot. Or you could just make sure every date you have is like around 11 a.m. so it's a little bit normalized. You have to add a signature to your text messages. That's it? Oh, every text. Yeah. Every text, every time you send a text. Slash line space, AD.

Oh, AD. Okay. It's pretty cool. Yeah, it's kind of cool. I might do that myself actually. A handwritten signature. Best comma yours truly Adam. Where are we meeting up yours truly Adam. Where are we meeting up? Yours truly Adam.

You need to attend every leg of the horse racing triple crown for the next 10 years. That is the Kentucky Derby. That is the Preakness Stakes in Baltimore. And of course the granddaddy of them all, the Belmont Stakes in upstate New York. Within reason. Saratoga? Elmhurst. Or is it in Belmont Stakes in upstate New York. Within reason. Saratoga? Elmhurst.

Or is it in Belmont? Elmhurst, huh, nice. It'll be fun, I guess, but kind of annoying to have to plan your life for that. Yeah, I mean, three- It's a scheduling year. It's a logistical year. Yeah, to get to Kentucky, Toronto,

just seems like at least one layover. Oh yeah. At least. Yeah, minimum. You're not flying direct to Preakness. at least one layover. Oh yeah. At least. Yeah. Minimal. You're not flying direct to freakness. That's a train from Penn Station to Baltimore. You get the new iPhone every time it comes out for free,

but it will never charge above 50%. Okay. Yabba dabba doo. It can't be worth $900 every two years to deal with that. That's why we play the game. That's right. I only have two left. Is that it?

That's- No, I have two left too. Oh God. There's more. We're not even close to that. Okay, four more, okay. Do one or two of these stand out as the worst ones? Just as like a little teaser of what we can expect. I mean a Ten year commitment of watching horse racing. Yeah

Yeah, but not not like you know, physically uncomfortable you just have to go to these things Yeah, right. You could get really into it could win some money could lose some money betting. Yeah Could be your thing. Oh Adams up this betting. Yeah. It could be your thing. Oh, Adam's up this fucking horse again. You could be like the Timothy Chalamet of horse racing. Yes, with my puppy mill dog. With your bespoke poodle. In a fucking Chanel bag.

TMZ interviews you while you're trying to return a pizza slice at Erawan. I said no olives is all. while you're trying to return a pizza slice at Erewhon. I said, no olives is all. Yeah, but Deba, how could you do this to me? Yeah, but Deba, how could you? You get to climb, because Adam and I actually climbed together, we're climbers. You get to climb with Alex Honnold.

He helps you free solo Half Dome, but at the top you high five him and he stumbles back, falling to his death. That's gotta be the worst when you're killing somebody. I guess I'd rather kill someone than sign my text messages, Adam. Yeah, but he helps me free solo. Yeah, and everybody's kind of expecting him to die anyway.

Yeah. There was a Movie in my in the lobby of this hotel There's a screening room and it was a climbing movie about a female climber and I swear I thought I saw Alex Honnold in the lobby and I was too like shy or starstruck to go out You know, it's always weird when you get starstruck by someone that you never, it's always athletes for me. Yeah, for me too.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Sidney Crosby, Alex Honnold. It's because they can really do something special. Yeah, instead of just pretend to. Can you imagine shaking Honnold's hands? They're probably so thick and rough. I also didn't want to shake his hand.

Like a catcher's mitt. Yeah, he probably doesn't want to shake anyone's hands. He needs them calloused and rough. I also didn't want to shake his hand. Thick sausage fingers. Yeah, he probably doesn't want to shake anyone's hands. He needs them calloused in July. No crease on his hand. I shake his hand, I push him into traffic, and he died. Me and Alex, final destination.

Falls over into a fountain and drowns. Wow, how did Alex Honnold end up dying? He got hit by a fucking Mini Cooper. Jesus. DeMarco got to him. Okay my all right there's two more. Last one. Last one. You change your music name to me.

This one gets me. You change your music name to. He loves it. I love it. To Mucus. M-U-C-U-S. So your new DJ music artist name. Just Mucus.

It's actually kind of cool. It's better actually. With the nosebleed at the Belmont Stakes. Mucus is pretty good. I might actually take that one. Okay. And then Jake, your last one. You have a magic mole on the tip of your nose.

It's the size of a nickel. But every time that someone touches it, you get $5 deposited into your bank account. Okay. Infinite money glitch. It is an infinite money glitch, but you have to live your life looking like kind of Rudolph with a mole. Yeah. But every time someone touches it, they get $5 or Adam gets $5?

No, Adam gets it. Am I included in the someone? No. I'm not someone? To you? Excuse you. You're the man. You're the man dude.

So whenever someone else touches it. Yeah, whenever someone else. And if it's a hockey player, it's worth $10 per touch. That's cool. Because you're fucking starstruck. If you're starstruck by the person. It's Connor McDavid.

Double. He gets to touch it. Ooh, good pull. 10 bucks. Okay, so you have 20 before you. Wow, okay, a lot to go through here. Now do you rank from one to 20 or 20 to one? I think 20 to one.

Yeah. I think one to 20. You wanna end up with the most embarrassing thing, right? Like choose the thing you would rather do the most all the way down to the thing you wanna do the least. That's right. So I start with the thing I wanna do the most. Yeah. Yeah.

And where does that end up is 20? Yeah, exactly. So we're going 20 all the way to the one most embarrassing shameful thing that you would definitely not want. Okay, okay. Oh, okay, now I'm looking it over a lot of typos. Yeah, yeah, that's part of the game. Actually, we're not gonna repeat anything.

Yeah, no, that's, except for that one thing that you repeated. Yeah, let's take a break while you take 30 seconds to read it all. Oh, great. Digest it, and we'll come back with your official Adam Durankmo's. Yes. Good.

All right, we're back. For those of you listening at home, that was an instant break, but over here in real time, that was a day and a half. It took me a while to- Adam needed 32 hours to fucking crunch some numbers and he did some soul searching. He talked to a priest and a rabbi, if you can believe

it. Yep. And took a vow of celibacy. I took a vow of silence for 32 hours. And he prayed. But we were able to finally get his rank most. So let's start with number 20. Which one of these things would you be kind of fine with? Oh, oh fuck. I was thinking, I did it the opposite.

Okay, I need 32 more hours. Okay, the thing I'm most fine with, I think it would be honestly, changing my music name to Mucus. Wow. It's pretty good. Rightcus, it's pretty good. Right now it's good one, which is not search engine optimized at all.

It's very, and there's other, I found out yesterday on, do you guys talk about other podcasts? Yeah, we'll believe it, but yeah. No. On Hollywood Handbook, they were like, there's, they mentioned a couple different good ones. There's like a Mike Bermiglia thing

and like another podcast called that. So this has been on the top of mind. So Muke is pretty cool. So I'll go, I'll start there. I think, okay, this is where it gets hard. Jesus, so one easy one in 19 cups. All right, let's do, okay, I get a nosebleed on the red carpet of the next show I premiere.

Yeah, because you can spin that. Yeah, and the next show I'm doing is like a horror TV series, so it's kind of perfect, you know, it might be, people might even think it was intentional or something. There's gonna be a lot of blood in that show, so. Oh my God, you can speak. It could kind of be like a fashion statement.

It's a fashion, a red nose for a red carpet, okay? Yeah. Have you ever had a nosebleed? I don't get them really. Do you guys? No. Maybe once, I don't get them really. Yeah. Do you guys? No. Maybe once.

I don't know. People always get them when they're time traveling. Every sci-fi movie has, you know, it's like, yeah, well, it's like the sign that something's wrong with your soul. Yes. Every time. We need a new thing. Okay.

Mine, next one. Do you ever re-rank or could I put this at the top or does it have to be in order? Okay, the tea one, the breakfast, I'm gonna put that as my number 20 now because that is how I, I don't drink, so I usually get tea on dates or when I go to restaurants anyway. So starting with a hot English breakfast tea

sounds pretty normal to me. So far you've only chosen mine. And then mucus, then mucus nosebleed. Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Okay, nice. Three for three so far. That's really rare.

Does that make you feel? 17 is killing Alex Hottel. Okay. Then I would say, when I find a parking spot, my car has a sticker that says, let's go Brandon, because Brandon's my manager's name and we're friends. And so anyone who knows me would be like,

oh yeah, that's just you being- Yeah, that's not a Trump thing. It's a Brandon thing. And I'm Canadian, so, you know, up there, Brandon's just a name of many Canadians. It's not as fucked up over North. No, no. Okay, and then let's do,

okay, I'll do the iPhone one. Every time I do iPhone, I get it for free, but never charges them a 50%. Just cause. That's like number three for me. Yeah. That would ruin my life. 50.

That's 50. I mean, I feel like I'm one of those people where my phone is usually. At 50. Under 50%. And anyway. So for you, 50 sounds high. It's a type of person. Yeah, it's a personality type of person. usually at 50 under 50% and anyway. So for you 50 sounds high.

It's a personality type of person. It's a trait of people. You're either fully charged or you're not. every time, right? Let's do, hey, Seth Meyers sounds pretty good to be on a talk show, you know, even though I have to wear gym gloves the whole day, unexplained and on the show. Like power lifting gloves, you're talking about like the fingerless gloves?

Yeah. Power lifting, yeah, I'm thinking maybe there's a way to make it somewhat fashionable or a bit or something. That could work on this. If I was doing it now, this show, I played like a gym bro. So maybe it could work as part of it in character. Right, yeah. And I think, yeah, I think it would be fun

to talk to Seth Meyers, so. That's cool. Yeah, it would be cool, huh? Listen, I'd love to talk to Seth Meyers too. Fuck it, I'll wear gloves for an entire year if that's what to talk to Seth Meyers too. Fuck it. I'll wear gloves for an entire year if that's what it takes to meet Meyers. Yeah.

Bandana for Meyers. Gloves for Meyers. I will add, oh God, I don't know about the signature on the text messages. Oh no. Okay. I,

this is where it gets hard. I don't wanna do it. Okay, let's do, I foster a cat until 2026. Oh nice. I'm allergic to cats, or else it would've probably been higher. It might be a bit tricky. So, and then I'm here. Right, because it's not really that bad.

Traveling a lot, it's not that bad. I just feel like after the, you know, by 2026, I would be emotionally attached to this cat. That's what makes it hard is I wouldn't probably be the one to give it up at that point, but still. I'm taking this very seriously, guys. I'm just really putting myself in these situations. This isn't a joke.

No, no. This isn't funny to me. That's why it took you so long. Yeah, four days, three and a joke. No, no, this isn't funny to me. That's why it took you so long. Yeah, four days, three and a half days. All right. Okay, TMZ interviews me while I'm trying to return a pizza slice at Aero-I. Have you ever been TMZ bombed before?

Like you get off the plane at an airport and some guys like asking you questions? It happened to me for me the first time, like three days ago, four days ago. Wow. I was at a brunch spot here. What's that place?

You guys know what I mean. It's like the butcher, the candlestick maker, the baker. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Do you know that place? It's like the butcher, the baker. Yeah, yeah. And they make candles. Candlesticks.

You leave with a fucking croissant and a candle. Yeah. There was like a bus that drove by and they were yelling, like they stopped and then they filmed and asked questions and so that was the first experience. But I think returning a pizza would be kind of funny. Like Larry David-esque. Yeah, a little curb action.

Moment or something. Yeah, it seems curb ad adjacent. Have you been to Erewhon? I love Erewhon. I like the Halle Bieber smoothie. The food is good. Oh yeah, yeah. That's $32 you can spend.

It fuels you. When I touched it on LA, it fuels me for the rest of my time here. All the nutrients you need. Just holding it. Just, yeah. Just the spirulina can power an entire fucking cavalcade of people for three weeks in LA.

Seamos gel. Exactly, a $40 jar. Okay, so. Now, okay. Now we're getting into the pretty rank ranks. These are pretty rank. This is the nasty shit. And we're getting into the pretty rank ranks. These are pretty rank. This is the nasty shit. And we're learning a lot about you.

I mean, the no drinking, the mucus affinity, the fact that you've never had a nosebleed. These are... Allergic attacks. Fascinating. Yeah. Things that we know, we wouldn't come up with if we were just answering people's questions about what to do when you're sexually attracted to your second cousin.

Huh? Huh? What? Oh no, I was thinking of a question we answered together on if I were you. Oh got it. Um okay when I'm ordering food I have to order to my neighbor's house and I have to say I'm famous and you're kind of not. Yeah. That one I mean I'm hoping that if they're my neighbor, that they know that there's something wrong with me, I guess. But that's only one person that thinks you're the terrible person versus like, something that's outward facing that everybody sees

for the rest of time. Also, I could maybe say it in a, I could deliver the line in a jokey way or self-deprecating. Yeah, but then like a burrito shows up on their porch. Yeah, and then, you know, that would help me cook more, right? That's right, because you'd feel too ashamed to actually order food.

Yeah, and I would like to start cooking more, so that would be a good motivator. I would like to start cooking more. So that would be a good motivator. Then let's do, I guess something is similar in the same vein there. Whenever I ask where the bathroom is, I can hold my piss and shit like a mouse. I just wanna look at him, he's so hot.

I have to really hit it like that. B-A-W-S, that's right. You can circumvent that by never asking anyone where the bathroom is also. That one's a lot easier probably than ordering food. Yeah, yeah. Bathrooms are pretty easy to find, I would say. Easily marked.

Right, they're supposed to be. Classically easy. But in an emergency, you won't mind saying that. Yeah, yeah, sure, you won't mind saying that. Yeah, yeah. Sure, I guess I would have to. You might be able to add, whenever you have to ask for the bathroom code as well, if there's ever a code to the bathroom.

That sort of forces you into that. Is there a code for the bathroom? I don't have to piss or shit. I just have to look in a mirror. Yeah. God, okay. God, okay. God, okay, so and then I have to add a signature. I'll add a signature to my texts, every text.

That one sucks, that one does suck. That's social suicide in a way. It really is. It's not great. Maybe, oh and then you know what? Space, space, AD. This game, Ranker's all about loopholes, you know? I just start doing voice notes.

There we go. I become a voice note guy. There we go. I just do more phone calls or something. Yeah. Right? Voice notes are catching on. I'm seeing a lot of voice notes out there. I don't like when you get like a two

to a four minute long voice note. They're not for me. I do not like playing audio from my phone. Do you guys keep? I know. Or do you let them expire? Like vapor. I don't know how to let them expire. It do not like playing audio. Do you guys keep or do you let them expire like vapor? I don't know how to let them expire. It always says like, oh really?

I kept them and I've never intentionally kept them. I kept one and I don't know where it went. I'm down to keep it. I just don't know where it is. There on a text thread with me, you and Ben, you sent one that said, you were a mere just whispers, bingo. No. And I kept it to kind of send it around every time I wanted to

say bingo, but now I can't find it. It's in the text, but you can't download it. I'll show you later. Okay. Thank you. But I might sue you. I only have a few left on my list. I, okay.

I, I, oh God, I don't want launch Adam DeMarco coin at all, but. But if it's going with charity of your choice. Charity is good. Or you could also hard launch charity choice. Charity of choice, yeah. These ones are all, okay. Like hard launching an AI girlfriend. Okay.

Okay, I'll come saying, yeah, but dabba doo. Yeah, dude, because that's gonna feel good. Best orgasm. That's a pretty good side effect. Earth shattering. I'm hoping I can kind of maybe stick my head in the pillow while I say it or something. You know, or say, whisper it.

Yeah, well actually whispering might be even worse. It's not that I think about it because it's sort of meant to be exclaimed. Whispering it intimately does seem worse than just saying it like Fred full-throat. Baby, Gaba, Daba, do. And then, you know, on the plus side of that, the person you're with, you know they really would like you for you if they accept that as part of your journey. It's a good test of your personality.

They must really like you. What they're willing to put up with. What's going on, right? Yeah. Let's, fuck it, let's hard launch a girlfriend and charity choice. Wow. I do, put an emoji overhead.

So I'm a bit confused by this one. I'm posting an emoji over someone's face on my grid and it says, this is my girlfriend charity choice. Yeah, you can sort of word it however you want, but that's the gist for sure. And it's- One year with Charity Choice. I love you more than ever, baby.

Hard launch, but with an emoji over the face is an interesting- Not a hard launch. It's like an interesting hard launch. Yeah. I have to put, that one's gonna go in there because I have to do it. I have to do all these.

Yeah. Oh, okay, and then now I'm wearing, the shoes one. Let's. It's gonna be bad for your feet forever. Oh, yeah, let's do the nickel, the nose on the nickel, the nickel. Mole. Yeah, the nickel size. the nickel, the nose on the nickel, the nickel. Mole.

Yeah, the nickel size. The mole on the nose. Your cash button. I forgot about that one. That might be a bit higher in the ranking, but it's an infinite money glitch, right? I think that might have to be, that might have to go after my breakfast,

English breakfast tea. It might be out. It might also crash the global economy if you're infinitely wealthy. Like imagine just- Oh, I guess that is like where's the money coming from? A trillion dollars. It's like the box, the movie The Box. It's coming from like the bottom 98%.

Oh no. Imagine skinny just from, yeah, poverty stricken people. So you're sort of taking- But it's only five bucks. At a time. It's only five bucks. Magic Mole. The pre's only five bucks. At a time. It's only five bucks. Magic Mole.

That was the prequel to Magic Mike. Okay, I'll do that one. And then let's do the shoes. My shoes are on. I can never wear my shoes on the correct feet again. And then if they, and if they, what is it, if they are on correctly? No, if someone says that I say they are on correctly,

it's my feet that are flipped. So I'm just an insane person forever in that scenario. That would ruin my life maybe. Yeah, but I'm hoping maybe they sell like ambidextrous shoes. I think they do. Is there something square, square, you know, a wood block? Crocs are like borderline that.

And you would still rather do that than launch a crypto. I just, okay, crypto, from what I know about it, it's just so bad for the environment and- Wow, so you're taking one for the team, going wrong shoes for now. But then I'm just not say you're launching one. But then I think maybe if the proceeds go to charity, maybe the money you make from it

could offset the damage you're doing to the environment. Is that possible? Or you're like, it's going to a charity of my choice, but it's actually, that's just the name of my girlfriend. The name of my girlfriend. Yeah, that's where it's going. That's yeah, my charity choice. So I'm getting double rich.

Yes, exactly. I don't know how that math adds up. Let's, before that one, I think I'm going to do the fluent in every language, but when you speak any of them, you use a super offensive racist words. That was kind of also an infinite money glitch because you can sort of be a translator for any place ever. Yeah, yeah, I think that's pretty cool. Everyone knows how rich translators are.

Yeah, you could also, I mean, you can understand what they're saying and then you don't have to say. It's like, oh, we need someone who can speak Swahili and Swedish and it doesn't matter if you're like that was that was that you like that you killed like that one could go really bad it was accurate but he did it kind of a stupid face then then let's do the I have to attend every leg of the horse racing

triple crown for 10 years. I forgot about that. 10 years is just such a commitment, but you know, that's, that's a lot. And then you're done and you can wear whatever shoes you want. But then, yeah, true, true. Um, I, I feel like maybe you would get into it. I like horses, but I don't know how they're being treated. Probably not.

Well, it's a whole, that world is so foreign to me. Have you ever seen a horse race? I think I've seen live one. Yeah. Maybe once. Yeah. Beautiful. It's just beautiful creatures.

And if they should get into, you sort of kill them. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. And then I'll launch the coin. I'll do Demarcoin. Wow. And all the proceeds will go to offsetting the damage that crypto is doing. It's such a weird catch.

It's just like a weird catch 22. It's very, it's like Ouroboros snake eating its tail or something. Yeah, its own tail, yeah. I'm offsetting my carbon footprint. Basically just getting back to zero. Yeah, and then after I do that, I'm gonna post my shop don't adopt dog

that I got for 14K that I partnered with a puppy. Yeah, that's you didn't actually pay for the dog though it is it was donated given to you. But still which is less than 14k. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a I mean, that's a border calling. Pure red. A lot of health issues too. Yeah. That's an evil industry, I guess. I don't agree with any of that. And then lastly, I'm going to kill a man.

That wasn't even one of them. Wow. Killing Alex Honnold. He doesn't want a free solo half-dome. Wow. I guess that would actually be really scary also. Killing Alex Honnold would be really bad for me personally. For your brand too.

Yeah. For my brain. Yeah, your brain. I think I wouldn't have fun climbing half-dome. I couldn your brand too. Yeah. For my brain. Yeah, your brain. I think I wouldn't have fun climbing. I couldn't do it. Yeah. Oh God. That was.

And do people, is it just us two climbing? Yeah, it's just, well, there's a camera crew that captures the high five and it really looks like it's his fault, not yours. Still, I just. His last words were, you bum. His last words were, you bum. I would know. His last words were, that man murdered me

as he fell to his fucking death. Oh, you know what it would be? He's like, kind of reaching up to, he's like reaching up to grab a chalk bag or something or an energy bar and you think- And I think he's going for a high five. That's so gross. Yeah. And then I kill him going for a high five. That's so embarrassing.

Yeah. I'd kill him. All right, fuck it. I'd rather do that in the coin. That's less embarrassing than the Krypta now that I think about it. Wow. That was a lot, but you treated it very carefully

and thoughtfully, so we appreciate it. You really, yeah. Great for a comedy podcast to be careful and thoughtful. He was methodical. Just honestly, just the amount of sheer thought you gave it was funny enough for me. Dialed in. The series again is overcompensating? Overcompensating.

Holy smokes. You can watch it now. Or as a friend of mine accidentally called it, like they accidentally roasted me and they're like, what's that show called? Overcomplicated. Unbelievable. They genuinely couldn't remember the name. This was Hollywood handbook.

It sounds like something they'd say. What doesn't it know? It was just like, just a stray from a friend who doesn't know the industry at all. Yeah. God, that's good. They cannot know the industry. They should at least get the title of the show, right?

Sean Hayes kicking themselves right now for not saying overcomplicated yesterday. He should have made it overcompl complicated. And again, it's on prime, Amazon Prime. That's right. Yeah, that's fun. Everyone's got that right. Or you can probably do a free trial. That's good. And is it the kind of show where it's like, if it does well, we can go back for the next year of this college or is it an entire story self contained, eight

episodes? It's, it's, it's left open enough at the end that it suggests like a season two would be necessary. Okay, so even if you don't watch, just let it fucking play in the background of your browser, please. Let it run. Come on. Watch, re-watch, help the algorithm.

Support our man. And would it kill you to order some paper towels? You have prime open they can be here today Do it while you're watching this show really matters it matters a lot that you shop they track that shit They know that you shop while you watch like it doesn't have good ratings But everyone is consuming shit while they fucking watch so we almost have to keep it up. Specifically paper towels. Yes they know that it's paper towels because two of the episodes are about paper towels. The show is a bounty. It's all sponsored content in a way. Help us get our bounty. Sweet.

Thank you Adam for coming on the show again. Right on. Thanks for having me. Wait it's done? That's it, you ranked. We did the 20, you did the ranking. And then we talked about your show. It's segments, that was segment. We had the interview segment up top. Yeah, it's just segments.

So technically we got two. Can we do one more before I, can I pitch one? Yeah. Do you guys still play like Who's 58 or whatever? Oh, that's a good one. We can do that real quick. What is it? Who's 50 not 58? 58 or whatever? Oh, that's a good. Oh, yeah that real quick What is it who's 50 not it's really any number numbers and change 58. Yeah, I think was 50. Yeah 58 Yeah, we could do 58. It's been it's been a year since we played. Yeah, that's a that's a good idea

Let's end with a quick game of who's 58 We'll do a quick of who's 58 and I'll do it with serious guy, we got the joy of her saying is 58 years old or not Okay, okay Uh, i'd want you to start us off and if you nail it then this entire episode ends. I I looked it up in advance I have nine of them ready to fucking go locked and loaded Um, i'm really bad with ages. Uh, who's 58 i'm gonna say um Clive Owen. How old is Clive Owen?

That's actually not bad. Clive Owen is 60 years old. Close. Close, that was close. All right, Jake. How old Mike freaking Myers? How old is Mike Myers? Mike Myers is 61 years old.

Close. Okay. And unfortunately the game is ending right now. Really? How old is Dave Chappelle? Ooh. Dave Chappelle is 51 years old. Way off.

Oh. Super young. Okay, I'll say the Cran man. I don't know who that is. Bryan Cranston. How old is Bryan Cranston? Gotta be. Bryan Cranston is 69 years old.

Wow, worst guess ever. Who's 69? Next time we play, he's 69. Except if we play it next year. How old is Adam Sandler? How old is Adam Sandler? Adam Sandler is 58 years old. Wow.

Thanks for listening to Segments everybody. Got it. The Sandman. We went from the Cranman to the Sandman. Is that what you said? Sandman. Cause he fucking said the Cranman and you're like, is that Adam Cranler?

Everybody check out Overcomplicated on HBO Max. And subscribe at substack.org slash. It's Jake. Yeah, close enough. We're still on Patreon and you can listen to this here podcast every Monday. We'll see you slash hear from you next week. Goodbye everybody.

Ciao. Ciao, bye. That was a head gum original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson and I host the headGum Podcast We're Here To Help with my partner Gareth Reynolds. We're Here To Help is a call and advice show. Think car talk from back in the day. We're determined to help fix life's dumbest problems.

We also have guest helpers join us from the entire cast of New Girl to Michael Cera, Andy Sandberg, Jimmy Kimmel, just to name a few. So do me a favor and come check out an episode and then bounce around our catalog. We're over 150 episodes so far, so there's plenty of stories for you to discover. Subscribe to We're Here to Help on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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