If I Were You - 80: Ultimatum

Episode Date: May 26, 2014

In this episode we discuss marijuana, tattoos, and nude pics.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you're ever in a pickle, if you're not seein' things too clear I know a couple guys who go by takin' a mean They'll solve all your problems, but there's a catch or two It takes a week to hear back and they're gonna laugh at you And I've never been so desperate as to ask three people on a podcast what I should do But if you can't sing the same, cause you're lookin' quite screwed They'll be happy to tell you what they do, if they were you Jazzy, cool time, theme song, sponsored by Memorial Day weekend

Just chill vibes, cool beach atmosphere, and a breezy good, good fun Also, the sun, the surf, the sand, you're feelin' it all, you're feelin' it now This is Canada's very own, if I were goo Hey, uh You have a razor blade just hovering above your wrist That entire thing sounded so soothing and jovial That was my confession But it had a dark underbelly

I like that song cause it reminded me of Jason Maraz You love nothing more than Jason Maraz Yeah, well I really only love I'm Yours by Jason Maraz So I guess I love Jason Maraz in general I think all of his songs sound like that No they don't There is only one I'm Yours Do you know any other Jason Maraz songs?

Cause I think you'd probably love them all I don't know I really, like you've never, it's so funny to think that you found a song that you loved that much I'm Yours all the time And it never occurred to you like, I wonder if his album's good Yeah, no You're just like, just this one Well that's what I do, I like, I find songs that I love

And then I do zero exploration But that thing about Macklemore Yeah, that worked out Who liked his whole album Right, or like Eminem, I loved Berserk and Rap God And then I had no inclination to listen to any of the other songs of his latest album And then I did, and then I liked a couple others Like Survivor

And what's the one with Kendrick Lamar Oh yeah, Love Game Yeah, that was good Great song Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet I had hosted by us I'm Amir And I'm Jake Recording this on Sunday

Oh wait, who's saying that song? The Jazzy? Oh shit Jason Mraz one Danny Riggs Danny Riggs, D-Riggs, Driggs He's probably wearing a fedora, right? Fidodo Opened up, buttoned down

Opened up, buttoned down, hemp sandals on a Fidodo Summer ready, let's do it It was springy, you can't write that song in February That's true And if you do, you're lying to yourself Yeah, and you're lying to me and I resent the implication Well he didn't, I'm not saying that he did Mr. Driggs

It wasn't, it's not, it's Mr. Riggs Mr. Driggs, I don't think I appreciate you or respect you Because you don't appreciate or respect me Why'd me write that song in February I just said that if he had written that song in February Get him on the horn Alright, I mean he did include his phone number This is crazy though

Mr. Driggs, hi Hey, nice to be true He's a robot So how does it work? We get emails from people in difficult places Dier straights Dier straights as you say And they write us their problems And if I were you show at gmail.com

We read these questions and try to offer our advice So let's get started Let's give this guy a fake name to preserve his anonymity Of course I'm thinking, I got the NBA Draft out of my mind Do you have a better theme than that? Better theme than the NBA Draft? Didn't think so

Joelle Embiid writes in Hey guys, I got in a big fight with my girlfriend of three years She hates it when I smoke weed But I never do it when I'm around her And she never finds out except for when she interrogates me Every once a couple months about it I ask her why I can't enjoy a bit of weed with my friends Every once in a while

And she says it just bothers her And that should be enough for me to stop forever I think we should have a don't ask, don't tell system About it But she wants me to at least send a long text to her Before every time I smoke saying how much I love her What should I do? She's fine with me drinking and just told me

That she kissed a list of my friends to get back at me Keep in mind my GF is a goddamn 10 cent piece Thanks Joelle Embiid I refuse to keep that in mind sir No level of hotness excuses you from being a piece of shit It's a funny that well A list of my friends You should write a text message every time you smoke

Also I made out with a series of your friends To get back at you for doing this harmless activity It sounds like she just wanted to look up Tell me how much you love me and not just a text A long text Yeah how does she stipulate that It's gotta be a long text Well you know long texts do feel good

Yeah like when the bubble takes up the entire screen Oh yeah when you see like on the lock screen Like the dot dot dot Yeah yeah More to the text Yeah there's gotta be more Yeah I love that That's the cutoff

I love that Love a long text I agree with her on that front The rules and regular It's really hard to have a fundamental Well that's rough cause she French to your friends Yeah that's She is a vindictive vixen

And you don't have to take it And you're a Richard Nixon Yeah And you are not a crook You are fixin' to be had by a vixen So we suggest that you Splitsin' Yeah blitzin'

Get rid of this lady But here's the bigger issue Ultimatums are a little hard to have in a relationship That means like there's a very strong Pragmatic difference of opinion there If somebody's like I'm drawing a line in the sand You can't do this thing

And if you do you have to do this That doesn't sound like a good foundation of a relationship Yeah yeah Whenever there's a You can't do this You have to be like Huh I'm gonna do it

You can't be mad at me Or you can be mad at me But you can't make rules Right yeah That's it You like smoking weed And you're not gonna change Then go ahead and do it

And you just tell her In a long text message every day That you love her As she's Frenching your friend Maybe she like Get back at you You didn't even do anything wrong Well he did something illegal

That's right If he's not in Colorado or Washington He had a weed He had a marijuana joint You had weed leaves that you That you rolled into a joint Or a doobie Or perhaps a bowl

You got stoned high off of it Yeah Probably had I bet he had a munchie Yeah he had a munchie I was gonna say He probably had a munchie for a Cottonmouth and a munchie

In a small case of the giggles Yeah he was giggly He had a food munchie And what he did was have a food snack About it So like a lot of the times He maybe went into a food coma But he had so much munchie

Yeah And then his eyes got Got bloodshot Glazed Yeah He probably got glazed-eyed Food munchie And had a snack about it

And then He had a cheeto When he was dying Food munchie Then had a snack Yeah You got stoned high You got a food munchie

You had a cheeto about it Hey man You're harshing my mellow man You loser I have a cheeto puff She deserved to French your friend And you deserved to have it happen So what can we say?

I do think Well all bets are off because she Blatantly cheated on you And made a list of your friends So you have no girlfriend And no friends And you're addicted to weed Because I got high

Because I got high Because I got high And da-da-da-da-da-da-da I was gonna record a podcast But I got high See what? That song got so popular More than it deserved

Afro man dude Where's Afro man been? The hero that this city needs I guess I made sense that he Then took 12 to 15 years off He had one hit It's feel like it would make sense that One hit then we wondered where he went

There we go hit pun intended because that's what it's called when you take a puff puff pass of the uh... the bold the piece of glass are you going on yeah the country i don't know get rid of this lady yeah i think um...

it's weird that we're telling him to choose drugs over a relationship but i think it's something that that like holds a lot of weight in a relationship when you say i shouldn't have to tell you why it just really bothers me and like if you do it it hurts me you know like that's how much weight would you say that holds like an eight

must dime bag dime bag i can scale change your cell cell change your dime piece for a dime bag just all is it all cushion is it all stem is it cally kush or is it dank that dank sticky icky i got blue dream is that what we spoke to my brother what uh... dream your brother was like telling it like alright so this is like sad avoid which is like sort of a more heady high but it's like also got that

twenty percent kickback kush which is like yeah that's not my brother how dare you i will defend my family to death you think people can hear do you think people can hear that helicopter i don't know alright let's find out

let us know in the comment section below were you about to say well just if you know somebody says something if someone that you love is like this really bothers me and i can't put my finger on why but it hurts me what do you do uh... but take out of the question that this girl's uh... of vindictive horror that

made out with this guy's friends uh... to get back at him for doing nothing i think it depends on what that thing is like if that thing is like a club domain here something illegal like it bothers me that you steal shit and it's like oh yeah that i don't yet probably that's exactly that is that's the separation because like something is

blatantly bad blatantly legal but this girl is like this isn't necessarily bad for everybody right it just bothers me yeah you do it it really bothers me right do you value how i feel or do you value being high

well maybe there's a why does she i don't like the ultimatum why does it have to be all or nothing right it sounds like he had the healthiest thing which is a don't ask don't tell yeah like i won't say like i'm gonna go get high but like sometimes i'll just be with my friends and i might be high that'll be it yeah and i'll write you a really long text no she's you should not do the time you don't agree with the time like

out of sight out of mind i don't know and he is out of his mind he's blazed blazed high more than gone not there here to disappear i would have to be there to begin with so present yes and i was not of this earth i don't like the ultimatums yeah that's it

ultimatums are bad also i think it's i think it's joel mbd and i said joel mbd i don't know why i don't want to be called out put on blast by basketball fans i'm one of you oh jesus christ i'm serious dude especially because i was right to begin with and i corrected myself incorrectly uh... alright next question yeah comes from a dude

will call jabari parker jabari parker writes hey fellas so i took a gap year to asia last year in the whole thing turned into months of wildness and debauchery debauchery debauchery definitely one night a friend and i took it a little too far and ended up with tattoos on our feet not matching or any of that shit

i never intended to get this tattoo walking into the shop but my fears competitiveness kicked in and when i watched him and thought i could do that too now i'm left with this weird circle thing on my foot that i made up on the spot in the tattoo uh... the tattooist traced onto my foot around a roll of tape i'm from australia and flip flops are a part of life and now i don't uh... now i don't have the confidence to wear them anymore because i feel like a

royal fool with this rough and rotten ink on me i'm not really a fan of the thing but removal is painful and expensive and it almost seems like the coward's way out of my ill thought out of life long decision any advice would be much appreciated thanks to barry parker can you tell why i chose this question because i have tattoos that i regret on your foot

on your foot yeah and it's a circle-based tattoo on your foot that's true too so what i don't appreciate you putting me on a tattoo-based blast well it's it's well-deserved a well-deserved little sunday and it's a memorial day it's a three-day weekend a memorial day blast this this blast will last last an extra day how is that fair how is that just how is that kosher

that's what you should be asking about the tribal sun located on your right ankle okay cool well i have a tattoo i purposely made my body ugly you have an ugly face which you can't control um... here's what i'll say about the tattoo um... first of all this guy saying he got it because he's competitive because he saw his friend get one and said i can do that too of course

yeah competition i can have thirty five dollars two i said yeah uh... no you didn't weird way to describe it didn't give it the tattoo you just paid for it flip flops are a way of life is another dumb thing you said well it's australia man you don't get it brother i'm as long as i'm just uh... i'm more just nitpicking nitpicking his uh... language at the moment uh... and i'll say about tattoos i didn't regret mine right away

i grew to regret them and now i've grown to embrace them because they represent like a stupid little part of my life where i was nineteen and really into dave matthews and i thought that like a tribal son on my ankle made me a hippie and i was wearing cargo shorts and i had a hemp bracelet yeah it's like

let me ask you this if you could snap your fingers and remove them would you yeah all of them uh... probably i don't know maybe not the butterfly tattoo just because it's embarrassing but it's like part of you now yeah

and maybe i'll grow to feel that way about the uh... the other two but it it just i think if you can't laugh at them then it is your life's gonna be shitty if you're if you're gonna be more embarrassed you'd be more to fight of your tattoo then it is it's make fun of yourself before anybody makes fun of you that's what you have to do

but yeah i was drunk and i was on it i was abroad and my friend is like whatever at least it shows that you have a care you think you think flip-flops are carefree how about getting a fucking tattoo of a circle that's the ultimate flip-flop your attitude has to be good you have to be able to laugh at yourself that's just life advice that's not just that's not and he's australian so it seems like that's the that's the way to go is to just be chill about it

here's my suggestion which is what you keep toying with is not removing it but turning it into something else yeah but like a circle so innocuous it's kind of perfect i actually think about turning my tribal son into a circle and they'll be in the exact same place this guy uh... yeah why don't you turn it into something that's ssss kind of funny or cool like you were talking about turning that circle into a robot

yeah i remember that maybe i would turn it into an avocado now yeah avocados good what about if you turn the circle into a pizza that's a fun tattoo a pizza pie hahahaha a circle could be uh... pepperoni on the pie yeah could be a single yeah the tattoo is gonna be so big your tattoo right now is just a pepperoni on

a giant giant pizza pie this is nice because it leads us into our break where we will spend it uh... talking about other things you can turn the circle tattoo into uh... you could turn it into a dandelion you could turn it into a sunflower many flowers have circle centers so let's

go with that theme here we could turn it into a daisy or a tulip you could turn it into a uh... into a moon into a sun into a uh... the moon venus for one just like a shot of the outside of our house and then a time lapse of the sun rising and

setting for three days you can turn it into my voice is gone i don't worry be happy smiley an acorn not a perfect circle but you know you had a little point to the bottom excuse me

turn it into an eyeball and just have some water dude you could drink water not until i said everything that the circle or nearer circle idiot you fool uh... yeah so jakes advice

is to embrace it i saw i meant well we know someone who's getting tattoos removed all okay secondly i know someone who knows someone who's having a tattoo removed and i saw

there's like an instagram video of like this this woman has like a sleeve of tattoos she's getting removed it's absolutely disgusting looking like blood blisters bubbling up and she's like popping them and squeezing this pussy blood out of her arm oh god how

i think it's way more it's embarrassing to like have a tattoo but it's so much more embarrassing to take yourself so seriously that you're gonna go and spend thousands of dollars and endure this painful disgusting process we're popping blood blisters yeah that's why a tattoo is permanent for a reason it's permanent and just like embrace the stupid thing that you did it's funny

it's silly it's you didn't hurt anyone you just like got a dumb thing on your skin well you didn't pay for it cool he stole it he did what he what are you talking about you stole the tattoo i bet do you think i said something about him paying for it no i'm just guessing that he did he stole it yeah that's how he hurt someone oh yeah i see it i imagine i imagine like actual pain like he uh i don't know

we missed each other uh... episode eighty a rare miss a single you and you guys are going to be pissed about that that we lasted this long without uh... making a joke that neither one of us got i think we've done it one other time on the podcast it's really rare that me and you do it right it's not amazing i think it's beautiful i love you man uh-huh okay uh... i think it's cool that we are so in sync so on the same level that we that we're like cool

we share that we share brain we are number three and i want to share everything with you i love you what up question number three indeed you don't say it back because i feel it back you're my man i'm your man i know that we are brothers we are lovers i love you

uh... some of that stuff was definitely true just move on dude we don't need to like discuss it i'm saying how i feel about you okay i know it's reciprocating okay it just we don't have to be like i love you i love you too i'll say it for both of us i love you you can so much and i feel it back from you it's amazing it elevates me

it enriches me day to day you are my man perfect and i am yours what it what really gets me is not the eight more than anything uh-huh i'm your man that's and i think that's fine yeah that's done and you're done and you know what and no more we belong to each other okay and i think

i yeah the same way that i feel enriched yes powered that's fine engulfed by by your love let's get a question number three okay i just want to say i appreciate the uh... the love that i feel coming from you it's in sometimes i wonder if i can love you enough because you love me more than i than i could ever reciprocate okay i think that's beautiful as long as you're

stating your opinion it's valid you can't be your moving on this is the amir loves jakes hey come on dude my brother listens to this this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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just use that offer code if i were you to save 10 off that first purchase thank you squarespace all right moving on to question number tree for real this time though Andrew Wiggins writes hey dudes i'm 24 and haven't had a girlfriend in a while but the last few weeks there's been a lady that's been messaging me and making it really clear that she likes me a lot i like her just fine and all but she's not exactly all that bright i'm not super smart or anything but i can already tell i would get tired of this lady on an intellectual level should i bang her and be bored with the conversation or should i just cut it off

before anything sexual happens thanks Andrew Wiggins what's your vote uh like what would i do or what should he do what would you do i am not able to separate as well as i should be personality and physical appearance i'd like to be more cool about that but i'm a very judgmental kind of guy where if i think somebody's not good in any specific way it sort of ruins the whole package i'm not saying that's right or wrong obviously it's right otherwise i wouldn't be doing not that right but at the same time it's not for everybody of course some people have a whole different set of values that they care about and you prioritize what you want in a woman

for example let's say i'm looking for the smartest girl so i'll make that the highest priority and suddenly it doesn't matter what they look like are you looking for the smartest girl never good good good why uh cuz you'll only cuz cuz there's no such thing as the smartest girl as a smart girl oh my god that's right dude holy shit i'm finally taking a stand on this podcast which is what being wishy washy uh girls aren't smart and i am i'm the smartest i'm the smartest person in the world and i'm a boy last time i checked i'm have a penis second smartest person in the world my daddy i'm also a dude and guess what wane third smartest person in the world my mom but still that's an aberration she's number three out of two what um i don't know i feel like

i always find um i don't really i don't necessarily surround myself with like dumb girls that's i i'm with you that i wouldn't necessarily be like attracted to somebody who i found to be not smart but i also can see people's value outside of like they're a certain type of intelligent right like i could talk to someone who doesn't necessarily isn't like smart about writing like which is something that i feel like i'm smart about but i they might be smart about something else like um um you know whatever a girl is smart about like cooking or something i'm sorry i'm gonna drop the bit uh but i think that you could i could meet somebody who's like not necessarily like worldly and like intelligent by a normal standard but that i could find like

everybody is an authority on something yeah everybody's at least the best at something so i could find her passion and be like okay you could talk about this and as long as it wasn't something like um celebrity gossip i could probably get interested in it for long enough to be like i am attracted to this person so maybe this guy should try to do that not be like why have you got an intelligent conversation like why don't you not talk about something that you like perceive to be intelligent but just talk to her about what she's into and then you'll see that she is articulate everybody's intelligent about intelligent about something right um well what if you're not intelligent about anything i don't think can you separate personality well you can separate personality

from appearance for like one or two nights but then you eventually have to speak to this person in a non-drunken setting right yeah yeah and reality will set in and this goes either way like girls talking to dumb guys or guys talking to dumb girls but there's nothing wrong with like hooking up with somebody that you might not connect with on a level aside from a sexual level and then just as you realize you know this i'm not enjoying my time with this person because i'm having to have conversations and not just fuck yeah and you fade away and you you do your vanishing act or you tell her that you're not really feeling it in the end yeah and you can justify it to yourself by being like oh i wasn't entirely sure how intelligent she was or wasn't

until we did have sex and then when i really figured out her true self i decided not to be with her i wasn't necessarily just with her until we fucked and then i gave up on her i just think you're like people are always saying like that you're projecting too far into the future to be like i don't want to fuck her and then just leave because she's dumb like why don't you just if if you right now want to fuck her and you want to get to know her and you want to talk to her then just explore that and she might feel the same way or she might not but there's no no one is saying there's any rule about being with her for like a month and getting to know her on any other level it's just that first just take the first steps without overthinking the future

all right andrew wiggins but i have the same problem too i'm not able to like separate my anxiety i know and i tell you this is like me having a conversation with you yeah during the podcast right just like you're always like i don't want to go out with her because then like what i'm gonna i won't call her or something yeah no one's saying you're not gonna call her you'd all anyone is asking of you is to go out with her once yeah and then what if you had a good time a second time if you didn't the end but you're but to project a feeling on something before you even explore is it's a waste i'll do it i'll go out with the next woman i see whether she likes it or not text one of those girls whose numbers you got last week chill out dude yeah right now on the show

you should do it on the show i didn't i didn't get any numbers yes you did you got the numbers no not that first of all not that time but yes and i offered you those numbers and you wouldn't take them right i was talking about the number that jesse got for you i'm talking about the the number that my other friend got for me don't you see the pattern it's me talking to someone not necessarily wanted to see them again and then my friend gets their numbers for me without me wanting that that's not true yeah well that's what happened the last couple times classic vintage me text the girl that jesse is all right all right relax i'll do it right now will you no i don't have her number once again my friend got it i did i thought you never sent

you the contact no tell tell you what send jesse a text asking for the contact and then we'll that'll satisfy me for now that's just one step removed from to actually talking to this girl um all right let's uh let's let's have a breaky break um there are oh you know what i wanted to talk about people had questions about the podcast one thing how do you listen to our podcast now that we're on podcast one uh well podcast one has an app just like soundcloud had an app so if you listen to it on the soundcloud app podcast one also has an app and it's available for android and for iphones and if you live outside of america i think you can't get the app you can download every episode as an mp3 on our podcast one page and i'll leave a link to that on our show page

on if i were you show dot com also the qualities of the actual audio is going to get better i accidentally encoded it at 128 kbps instead of you can imagine six uh so that'll that'll also change um i think those are the two big questions people had which is how to get the podcast now that we're no longer on soundcloud um what else is going on shows yeah well two shows two shows yeah one in uh on on saturday in less than a week at the hollywood improv it's a live podcast that's right and then in june 12th uh in new york at ucb theater in new york city our triumphant return buy tickets now the prodigal son's return that's what you guys should call us the prodigal sons return yeah no no no just the prodigal son i love it the nickname well take it in here the

prodigal son's return and they're coming back to brooklyn well so then it would be the prodigal son return returns yeah the prodigal son returns returns to brooklyn i don't think that's a good one returns returns i don't think it should be return the prodigal son returns to brooklyn returns um all right last question yeah it'd be cool if we were going somewhere for the first time like st louis yeah the prodigal son returns is coming for the first time to st louis missouri yeah but we've actually been to st louis have we yeah the university of like Missouri louis st louis rolling on dubs and blah blah blah um ready for this no emotionally physically it's another dude i'm sorry um all right we'll call this dude julius randall julius randall writes

hey dudes i've been seeing my girlfriend long distance for about a year now jake don't flip out just yet and it's going quite well for us recently however she's informed me that she will often send her best girlfriend nude pics of herself granted these pics she's already granted these are pics she's already sent me but i just don't understand why she sends them to her friend also she says it's not so much a sexual thing and she likens it to when girls send outfit pics to show off or get approval she says that it's a pretty typical behavior among girls who are really close but i'm 27 and have a little and have had a lot of experience with women but i've never heard of this being typical behavior with anyone else what do you think of this

situation and should i do anything about it or just see if it leads to a three way thanks julius randall dude you hit the jackpot it's definitely leading you're on the highway to three way you got a ticket to ride this guy's getting a little ahead of himself he's very optimistic should i do anything about my problem or see if it leads to an orgy uh those are not the options yeah um let's just take the orgy off the table which it's not leading to i never know you think it's a you think it's normal typical behavior i doubt it right sending girlfriend nude pics well maybe it is leading to an orgy oh no no you think about it know that i think about it um i don't know it seems weird but at the same time

would you be mad if your girlfriend did that um first of all if i had a girlfriend she would definitely do it and yes i would be mad yeah i'd be irate i'd fully expect the three way at that point we've all seen each other naked more over yeah i'm uh i'm a little livid at what the i'm trying to think here oh is that what this looks like oh no i'm trying to think too hard it seems like i would just be a little worried about like because if you love someone and they're sending you like pictures that are naked of themselves you they're precious you want like those leaking and being out there in the world for other people to gawk at whose eyes they weren't meant to be privy to right does that make sense so you're not worried about the friend having it

you're worried about the friend showing it to other people i'm worried i'm worried about the the um the the um ubiquity the ubiquity and conformity conformity of this and the enormity yeah then the gravity of this situation it's what is oh fuck what's the word what are you trying to describe let me see the integrity is is compromised oh because the um or the the the it's compromising the the secrecy the secrecy the these are all seemingly close i wonder if people listening are just shouting the correct word at you but you can't hear yeah because it's the future it's oh man i don't know what the word is is it wait is it precious like preciousness no it's or it's like um something being breached oh the integrity like the structural integrity but not

being compromised yeah like the but whatever you know the emotional integrity the security is compromised yeah i'll say that okay that's close enough yeah you've got these pictures that you're holding they're in your possession they're precious they're i guess theoretically on your girlfriend's phone but they're precious to her too and now they're on her friend's phone yeah that's three phones that these photos are on i think that's a little too much it's a little too it's a little too risky it's it's one too many yeah it's and that could go to more phones and more phones after that and i think but it's not like she's cheating on you with her friend i would just be concerned with the um with with with the carelessness the frivolty that they're being

sent into the world to you to her friend it's like hey these are a little precious here yeah i thought they were for my eyes only yeah i think that's another thing you you expect to feel special especially you know if she's your girlfriend they're not being sent to other people they're just for your eyes they're for you but isn't it a little bit sexy that she's sending it to her uh friends i don't buy into that like lesbians or hot shit no that's not that's not for you no like oh dude hot yeah girl's showing nude pics like i'm not involved in that so it's not like sexy well he thinks it'll lead to that well of course it won't well it is one step closer than nothing yeah that's true is it worth the risk though well i don't even know if it's worth bringing up to

your girlfriend to be like um don't do this i guess you'd say it makes me a little uncomfortable or like why do you want to do that but you don't want to issue the ultimatum as we called it earlier yeah i'm afraid of ultimatums i fear the ultimatum you never want to say choose this over me well it's always like the ultimatum is always happening when something shitty is happening or when something or someone is being shitty so as soon as the issue may the ultimatum is issued that's like the death sentence for everything right so it's not necessarily my girlfriend's sending naked pictures like just theoretically let's say my girlfriend's sending naked pictures to uh her friends and my friends and just like lots of people should i issue an ultimatum no break up with her right

and then it's like oh my girlfriend has issued me an ultimatum that she's gonna start making out with my friends like oh break up with her if an ultimatum has been issued or you think you need to issue an ultimatum that's actually what you're saying is it's time to break up right because you don't want to put her in a position where she's choosing between something else and you yeah but it doesn't sound like this is the situation that warrants an ultimatum or a breakup but maybe a like hey i'm like lightly concerned by this yeah maybe a pen ultimatum which is the second to last ultimatum exactly yeah sort of saying can you quell my fears or confirm them yeah i can confirm them i have been sending nude photos to a female friend of mine very well and can you quell my

fears that uh this means you are frivolous with your nude photos and you don't care if other dudes seek because i fear that may make me jealous uh i'll confirm that is uh confirmed too i do not care who sees these nude photos whether it be my female friends homosexual male friends or even heterosexual male friends that is the keyword that i did not want to hear heterosexual uh so here we go this is the end of our relationship what a ride it was thank you very much and good night namaste and then you cut to leaving the the apartment forever never coming back there it is uh i think if it makes you uncomfortable you should bring it up but you shouldn't say don't do it don't say don't do it right never because i think you say something makes you uncomfortable to see

how the other person reacts yeah no one reacts well to an ultimatum but they she may react well to your discomfort maybe her instinct will be to comfort you yeah i think nobody's instinct when they're issued an ultimatum is to comfort the issuer of the said ultimatum maybe we should maybe you should also uh take a straw poll of some female friends to see if it is a normal thing and then you can straw polls are always a good idea maybe a gallup poll maybe a hundred uh independent uh americans scattered across america that way you can like give her i think i feel comfortable if i want to be conducted yeah give her the you give her the facts of the case listen 79 percent of females do not send pictures to friends obviously this is a level of normalcy that you're over

exaggerating at the very least i wouldn't say that's average maybe if 50 did but we're looking at these numbers i mean these are these are strong strong indicators by the way um yeah that's it i don't know um if you have questions of your own or if you're just looking to fuck with us in a weird weird way this sadistic way like you want to troll us like a prank or maybe a fake question about having three sums or orgies and stuff like that that you think are funny but we don't necessarily like uh send that to if i were you show at gmail.com not only that if you have a theme song oh yeah that first one was pretty awesome it was written by dany rags i believe his name is d riggs dany riggs right riggs um and this last one this outro is written by somebody named jonathan ghould

our fans are more talented than us so talented than you don't speak for me i could write the fucking hell out of a theme song here we go three two one my baby don't mess around because you know she loves me it's a no-fo show so far exactly hey i i know it's exactly hey so it's pretty cool that i thought of it that quickly also don't speak for me you spent three minutes confessing my love for you which is something that you don't have the authority to do i have the audacity to do it yeah i think that makes me a little bit lovable but just a little bit just enough hey uh thanks guys we'll be back soon hey if you're feeling down or need some advice these two guys will bring your questions to life when life is tough and you don't know what to do

you just write an email and add if i will you see my feet i think it's time for us to just use the cheese and cheese i think it's getting time to help us out please and if our questions don't just make fun of us make fun of us and we'll go kill ourselves that i won't get stuck in the sun sister cheese