If I Were You - 81: Hot Pizza

Episode Date: June 2, 2014

In this episode we discuss whether you should sleep with somebody your friends have already slept with, and also pornography.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I've seen a smoke show in the flesh And I'm always swiping right on Tinder And I'm not proud of my problem That's why I turn to you And not my friends or family And every question's like Help me save me Tell me what to do

Please what now and how Can you sort me out Pal, hashtag dope Hashtag dope Without putting me on blast And every answer's like Oh well, calm down We can help you sort this out

Don't fear I'm gonna make a pinch And I'll write here If I were you If I were you I'd listen to a podcast show Things will always get real Every Monday listenin'

Monday listenin' We can tell you what to do And I'll show if I were you Cause he's the chief He's the chief May I ask you a question please For advice from Jews From Jews

If I were you The podcast show Dope Lord That was actually Lord She submitted, finally She's been submitting for a long time But she finally got on

Yeah, we had a very long queue For Lord to get on But she finally waited 80 episodes And we finally had on Lord Just kidding, that wasn't Lord It was Ilana, Isla, and Danny That was great Love the harmonies, guys

You know they are conjoined triplets Amazing Yeah, well they didn't say that on the email But you can sort of tell Just by how simpatico they were Yeah, like the voices They were all really close together Right, at the very least

Their mouths were close Or at the very least It was edited to sound nicely And at the very most They're conjoined triplets Yeah Which I don't think is a thing Scientifically and atomically

But at the very least They're conjoined triplets I'll ask Google Yeah, you're asking James right now Conjoined triplets are a thing Conjoined Why couldn't it be

If there's conjoined twins And there are triplets Why not conjoined triplets I'll tell you why Because Oh no There's just some pictures I really didn't want to see

I did not want to see this Wait, what did you search? Just a picture that shows up Is not nice But is it a conjoined triplet? I don't think No I don't think so

I don't even think this is an omelette I think there's a lot of conjoined twins With like a third triplet that's like Yeah I have to stop The lucky non-conjoined one Yeah, like conjoined twins And then the other baby

Yeah But not like all three people can join No, that didn't happen Hey, this is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Amir I'm Jake

You wanted to Or I thought it would be cool If you took the lead this episode Thoughts You did I love it And And here we go

Let's get started You guys, you find yourself in sticky situations You email us at IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com We do our best To offer you advice Nice, good job Thank you That was concise

You know what? I'm not even going to sugar-coat it I'm not going to say it was It was concise It was perfect It sounds like you are sugar-coating it Oh, no, it was concise You said everything you needed to say

It was concise and formative Yeah Elegant even And no I'm not going to use all these adjectives You're not going to sugar-coat it I'm done with it You're not going to sugar-coat it

There's one adjective that you needed For that intro Perfect That's how you describe it That is sugar-coating That's not sugar-coating But it's perfect Yes, it's perfect

Yeah, it's like I said I don't want any sugar on this donut I'm just going to drown it in sugar No Yeah You don't know what Jack's shit About donuts or intros I can't believe you're already

Letting this go to your head Sorry you took you 80 episodes To give the microphone to a big boy And let a real guy do it That's not sugar-coating it Now you're finally getting it All right, so Here we go, let's get started

Figure why not A lackey Just what's a name for these folks Well, is the first person a female or a male? The first person is a female Okay, let's call her Blossom All right, so we don't know what the theme is But if you get it out, I'm sure

Would you say we're giving these real emails? Fake names To preserve their anonymity Anonymity Anonymity Anonymity Anonym They're anonymousness

They're anonymousness Yeah Blossom writes Hey, guys So there's a guy that I've liked on and on for a while And he... Oh All right

Tripping over the first hurdle We're gonna edit that out Oh, are we? Yeah Fuck Now you have to edit it out, don't you? I'll definitely bleep those words Easy does it

Hey, guys So there's a guy that I've liked on and on for a while And he and his girlfriend finally broke up And I'm ready to make a move Seems easy, right? Well, recently, a guy that I've hooked up with before Wanted to hang out And I made the plans before knowing that that first guy was single again

I liked the first guy enough that I would like to date him But I really would enjoy hooking up with the other guy Because I know it would be great Would it be okay if I hook up with the second guy And then try to get at that first one? They do know each other But they're not best friends or anything So I doubt there would be a problem in the future

But it's still something to think about Thanks to the advance Blossom So she has two guys that she wants to be with One guy that she wants long term Will call that guy number A And guy number B is just this guy That she can hook up with

She wants to know if she should get B out of the way And then start with A Or is hooking up with B compromising A too much And to not even do it Interesting Two schools of thoughts Well, the reason I found this question to be particularly interesting Is it's so guys would just do this thoughtlessly

They would hook up with two girls Yeah, of course Like simultaneously These two girls and then more girls that they don't like And girls that they hate She's such a beautiful soul Well, I would be afraid to do that I would be afraid to hook up with a girl that I like's friend

They're not friends, they just know each other Yeah, knowing each other Because then the first person will tell the second person And then I'd feel like I couldn't get with the second person What? I feel like if I hook up with someone If I have a crush on someone I wouldn't want to hook up with someone that that person is friendly with

But you're not considering that she has a crush on this other person too You can have multiple crushes Right That's normal But she says one guy's more long term Well, I don't know Because he's not thinking anything, he just got out of a relationship I don't think you should not live your life based on what might happen

As long as this other guy is cool with it I think you just do what you want Then it'll all work out So you're saying go for the sure thing Go for the sure effect Go for both, do what you want to do It sounds like she wants to hook up with this guy And then go after this other dude

She can hook up with multiple people She can make out with this one dude She can call the other dude the next day There are no rules And guys aren't playing by these rules So don't make them up and then stick to them When like, you're... She's complicating the game

Instead of just doing whatever she wants Yes But don't you think hooking up with a guy who knows a guy compromises hooking up with the second guy? No Like if somebody hooked up with me, wouldn't you not want to hook up with them? No, that would make me want to hook up with them more If a girl hooked up with me, that would make you want to hook up with her more Yes

Why? I don't know, it's sexy in a way I don't want to Don't you not want my quote unquote seconds? You're turning a woman into a meal Buddy? Okay Interesting

Interesting that's the third school of thought that Amir has just broached Of course I would never call that Women are food A bowl of chili to be consumed And you are just eating the quote unquote sloppy version of that food Seconds that you carelessly toss aside in this fantasy This egotistical Of course I would never refer to them as that

That's why I quoted a chauvinist ass Well I see what you're saying, it's like you know But everybody is seconds, thirds, fourths by that standard But not to people that you know I don't want to hook up with someone that my friend is hooked up with Why? I don't know Let me think for a second

I don't know why, why don't I not want to do that? If somebody has Because it's like some competitive thing, like you want to be like I got this girl and nobody else could I don't know, if it, I don't even know if it's could I don't know what it is Like if somebody had slept with you I wouldn't want to have slept with them

Alright say, what's your favorite pizza place in New York City? Uh, Lombardies Just because I've eaten at Lombardies And Dave ate at Lombardies Does, and Streeter loves Lombardies Does that mean that that pizza is less delicious? Well I don't want to eat your leftover pizza It's not leftover pizza, it's still the same hot pizza

It's delicious pizza That, her hooking up with someone Doesn't make her like an incomplete meal Every time she sleeps with you She's losing a bit of herself Ladies, you're always a hot pizza You understand that? Nobody makes you a cold pizza

You're never leftovers You're always a delicious meal Sometimes you might feel like leftovers But go out there, take a shower, go on a jog Put your face on, and all of a sudden Oh my god, you're another delicious pizza Take a shower, then you gotta take a jog Yeah, you know what, I don't know

I don't know exactly how to clean myself But I do know that women aren't food And if they are, they could be good They don't have to be leftovers You just told me they were pizza Why are you yelling at me now? I also told people to go on a run after they shower I don't always know exactly what I'm saying

But I think the overarching statement is there So you're saying just because A girl or a guy has hooked up With a friend of yours That doesn't make them any more or less desirable Does it make them more desirable? Not necessarily more desirable And I'll say that if

There was some girl who was hooking up With all of our friends I might be less inclined Well, not me, but I could see someone Being less inclined One should be See, that's the thing Let's switch the genders

So we're not stereotyping here If there's a guy that's slept with All of a female's friends She shouldn't want to sleep with him Right? Theory Or maybe that just makes someone curious They're like, I wonder what the hype's about

I wonder why everyone's sleeping with this dude Or with this girl That makes me think like zero is the best amount of friends And infinity is the worst amount And as you get closer to infinity, the worst it is If they slept with one friend, it's slightly bad Two, three, four, it's getting worse and worse and worse You made

Sex into math again is what you did there You're doing it again Every time you make sex into math I don't know what to do with my erection You made me hard for this For this theory, this numbers Maybe you're right, but I also think I think there's like

The threshold There's a threshold that can be You know, there's a grace period of like zero to three maybe Right, zero to three is the same Yeah, just like, okay Everybody hangs out in like an incestuous Environment Group of people, yeah

And that's just like how it works You like work with people, you try to maybe sleep with them You have a group of friends, you try to maybe sleep with some of them And like, you shuffle around I mean, Rachel was with Ross and Joey Yeah, but nobody wanted her to be with Joey That's true, but Rachel had to explore that opportunity for herself Well, let me ask you this, let's say

Is there a friend out there where if a girl Had hooked up with him, you'd be like Oh, I don't want that girl Dave Rosenberg I just wanted a yes or no You didn't have to name names Dave Rosenberg damages goods He leaves pizzas ruined

He ruins pizzas I would say for me In fact, you don't even eat at restaurants You're just completely abandoning the metaphor You wouldn't even actually eat at Lombardi's Had he eaten there Yeah, because, you know, he eats at Lombardi's And he drills it as hard as he can

And he likes to choke it So I don't, I find, actually You know, maybe it doesn't matter It really doesn't matter I'm trying to like, I want to catch up to my Actual view, like I want to practice when I preach Yeah You know, so I'm saying

I really think it shouldn't matter Dave had hooked up with a girl And you were interested, you'd still go for it Yeah, I think so That's beautiful Thank you But I wonder what prohibits me from doing that So do I

We'll never know A question for another podcast, my friend Moving on Did we answer this girl's question? I think it's fine and you seem to think it's not If I were you, I wouldn't do it And if I were you, I would But that being said

You're you and you should do it Because I don't think people would look down on you If you did It's not a bad thing Perfect Moving on Thanks for keeping us on our feet On our schedule, on our toes

We are moving right along then Yes Okay You don't have to thank me for anything We're just gonna move on This is a status quo I appreciate your gratitude Yeah

Don't think it goes unnoticed And your attitude But we have to move on Okay Your attitude, your gratitude And frankly, this platitude Yeah They are all welcome

And I am ready to move on And I think we should move on We shall move on Okay I wanna thank you for thanking me Okay, great Thank you Thank you for being you

And thank you for being me And question the second And question the second Moving right along I like this pace that we're on I really do This one comes from a guy Okay, we'll call him Joey

Joey writes Whoa Nice Hey dude, this was a two-parter question Big fan of the show and web series Sorry Hey dudes

This was a two-parter question Part one, I need some advice I'm currently 15 years of age Turning 16 soon And I've been training with a good friend For about one year To become a U.S. Army Ranger The problem is

I don't know if that would be My best course of action My brother, who I'm very close with Discourages me From pursuing a career In the 75th Ranger Regiment Because he was concerned That I might get killed

Or severely wounded But I have a passion for it And every day I ache for the day That I can stand among the best of the best My question is Should I try and obtain My goal of becoming a Ranger

With my friend Who I know has got my back? Or should I go to college And get a degree in psychology? My time in the military Could pay for some of my college But what if I get killed While deployed?

Rangers are currently Still being deployed As they are special operations forces And their operation tempo Is very high I know I could wait a couple years To get my degree And postpone my dream

But it's all I think about And waiting a couple years Seems like forever to me Part two There's this girl that I like And she likes me But I'm not sure how to Initiate a conversation

I want to get to know her How would I go about doing this? Thanks, any response would be A greatly appreciated joke Let's answer the more important Question first The chick So you Facebook message her, right?

I love this dude He's like the most badass guy In the world I'm gonna be a Ranger My friend's got my back And it's all I think about Also, I'm scared of women Are there women on the other side?

How do I conversate one? What if instead of weapons They use women to talk to me Then I'm gonna be really screwed That's what the enemy needs Yeah, chick Girls A cryptic Facebook message

More dangerous than any missile The dichotomy of a 16 year old I only think about Warren Pussy And I'm all out of Pussy Warren Pussy was actually The original name for Warren P. Amazing Yeah, I guess the publisher

Penguin Publishing didn't want him To use Pussy in the title That's fair Yeah, because it's crass It's rude It's crass is a bad word Yeah, so they called it First they called it

Yeah, they called it penis and pussy And then they realized They had changed the wrong word And then they landed on Warren P. So which question should we answer first? I feel like we could answer Is the second one literally Just how do I start a conversation

With a girl I like So just say hey, that's it We answered that one already But is it that easy? I don't know You write her Facebook message She likes you? There's all the bets are off

There are no stakes You could just like go up and make a fart sound And it'll be How do you know she likes him? Is that what it says? Yes, she likes me too Oh Just walk up to her

And then? Hi Hi How's your day going? Good, how are you? Great Do you want to join the Rangers? Yeah

The other thing is If it's something That you're really passionate about It sounds like you don't Necessarily need to make a decision This second since you're 15 Why you keep on training See what's up and then

In a couple years You'll make a decision Yeah, you can always go after your dreams At age 18 Right, and you know I was always too much of a pussy To enter the armed forces Yeah, or any level of defense, really

Right So, you know Of course, I would appreciate it If you had my back It sounds like you're a tough dude Yeah, if you can protect pussies Like me and Jake That would be ideal for us

That way we can steep Keep hanging out here With our microphones In between our cocks If you can protect us pussies We will do our best to get you pussies Go up to that girl And just say hey

Try that How's that for a trade-off? Three years of service And we tell you to walk up to someone Thank you Put your life on the line Say hello Are we even, sir?

Your honor Don't drop and give you 50 Yeah, that's funny That he's down to fight wars But afraid of 16-year-old girls I fear neither death or bullets But I don't know If a girl has, like, perky tits

It really throws me off I'm afraid if I say something Weird or stupid or worse both I might not like me anymore I want her to kiss my lips one day I feel like that would make me happiest It's nice that your brother's concerned about you I think you could maybe have a conversation with him

And say, like, I love that you care about me But if you really care about me You should want me to feel fulfilled And being a ranger is what is going to make me feel that way And I think the best thing I can do Is keep on training So I can be the best ranger that I can be And if I can do that

Then, you know, you shouldn't have to worry about me Yeah, that's what you should say to your brother Who I think is a traitor Yeah, I don't know He might be Holy shit How did I say that? It was a joke

I think about my brother doing that And I'd be like, I don't Yeah, no, I wouldn't want my brother doing that either But I mean, also at the same time Thank God there's people out there That do want to do it because that's... Yeah, not all of us could not do it That wouldn't work out either

If we all didn't do it, then we'd be fucked Ideally, everyone but me and my brothers would do it That is And then the second layer is none of my friends doing it Oh, good And then the third is fine if strangers do it Uh, go for your dreams You can do it

Achieve your goals Whee Go for the girl Go for your dreams Moving on Whoa, you really do mean business today I fly I've never seen you this confident and cocky

Thank you It's unbelievably unattractive Really? Yeah I hate it I'm sorry I apologize I'll try to be less cocky

Moving on I can be less cocky, I'm the best I can make anything happen If you need me to be less cocky, I will be Because no one's better than me and I can nail it Sure, let's do less cocky then All right, moving on Do you mind?

That's good All right, thanks I don't even know, I'm trying my best Is it all right? Yeah Okay, if you don't mind, how about we move on Sure All right

Question three Nailed it This one comes to us from Another guy Mr. Nick Russo Mr. Nick Russo writes I'm just going to try to get to the point I like that

Right? I've been dating this girl for a little over a year now And her dad is a air quotes fire fighter He's rarely at the house because he claims He's always working at the fire house My girlfriend's house is massive And I don't see how her dad's fire fighter salary Could afford it

The other day I was watching porn And I shit you not I'm 99.9% sure We are talking Lysol sure That her dad was one of the actors In the exotic film I was watching Should I tell my girlfriend that I think her dad Is a porn star?

Do you think that would offend her? Should I show her the video and see if she agrees The actor is a dead ringer for her dad? Any advice would help, thanks Mr. Nick Russo What do you think Lysol sure means? Like that's how many germs Lysol kills? Yeah, I guess Lysol gets like 99.9% of the bacteria

Okay Maybe that's her slogan Yeah, don't tell her that her dad is in porn There's two possible outcomes One, you're right and it's the worst thing ever Two, you're wrong and it's almost as bad as being right Because you admitted to A, watching a porn That looked like her dad

And then B, to sitting her down and saying Accusing her father of being a porn actor And you're a tattletale who told on the dad Who's in the porn Definitely just don't tell anybody Also, do you think male porn stars Make really great salaries that can afford houses? Yeah, I would say firefighters, I hope

Do better than porn stars, right? Yeah, if there's anything just in society Most dude porn stars are doing it for free Their rates are certainly lower than a woman's They sure are both dressed like firefighters So I can see why you'd be confused That's a good question Do porn stars make more than firefighters?

If everything is male porn stars, I don't think do Male porn stars Well, I don't know anything about being a firefighter Because like we discussed in the last question I am a pussy So I would be afraid of fighting fire Yeah I'm also afraid of fighting, you know, the axis of evil

Sure, basically anything really Right, I'm afraid of fighting everything But definitely It seems like if you're a firefighter Captain or something, you make a good salary You have like benefits, you're in a union Yeah, and who knows where this person lives Right

Maybe this big house is not like in a Prime part of the world Where he can afford it on a firefighter's salary Yeah, he might have gotten a loan from the bank And he's like making payments Yeah, also inheriting fires And how dare you accuse him of being a porn star Just because he's hustling to make a living for his family

And saving the community from flames And you're like, I think he's fucking people on camera I swear This dude is putting out fires and you're masturbating To videos of guys that look like him In a cool little video It would be like the dad like holding on this hose Right, he's like holding this thick hose

And then he's like, alright, ready guys? Three, two, one Smash cut two Guy, our kid With a limp dick in his hand And cum coming out of it That's like the parallel there I wonder if he saw the dad in this video

And then continued to masturbate That's the question That's a really cool Whoa, this is crazy Should I, this is him fapping While writing us an email I'll get to the point Because should I tell her and also should I finish?

Sir Permission to finish Can't squeeze out a drop without say so See, this is why you should only watch POV porn You'll never see the face of the dude Cover the face, fuck the base You see the dick, you don't see the nose You don't see the eyes

It's as if you're there Favorite POV porn site? Are you asking me? No, I'm asking me Yes, I'm asking you My favorite POV porn site I don't know POVD is a really good one

POVD.com HDPOV.com is pretty nice Yeah There's, there's a What does the D stand for in POVD? I think it's, I don't know It's just making a simple domain I know that the audio is 3D or something

But that doesn't necessarily mean anything Yeah, that especially means nothing The audio to be in three dimensions Yes, that's correct, it means nothing It's like surround sound audio Out of your computer speakers Well, I mean, I guess I don't know, the audio is kind of cool

Of course, you thought it was cool Because it said 3D Fine, dude, what do you jerk off to? I jerk off to There's this really cool mix tape Of the spurs playing basketball, like Team Basketball Jesus Christ So like, they like make some really crisp passes

Which is pretty hot Top 10 Blake Griffin jams Of 2010 to You are getting hard, I can see your penis Very well right now What should we tell this guy? Oh yeah, I already did Don't bring up the fact that you saw

Your girlfriend's dad in porn Right, and he also, it just looks like him It's not him, come on They don't make porn, like no, of course not And even if it is, it's bad It's a lose-lose, your best bet To forget you ever saw it But how are you going to do that?

I guess you're going to have to watch so much more porn That you start to forget which porn you saw That should not be a problem Do you watch the same videos over and over? Or do you like the uniqueness of a new video? I go back and forth Yeah, but I like to search for new faves It's like music, you know

You got your old hits You also want some new jams You like top 40, but at the same time It can't be the same top 40 forever Show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious Stressful situation

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Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you To save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Speaking of music Do you remember the first... Like, there are songs that are popular right now That I just assumed that I've always heard

But like, there had to have been the first time I heard Talk dirty to me Right Like, there was the first time they played that on the radio There was the first time I heard Iggy Azalea's Fancy It's true But now I just assumed that I've always known it It's kinda cool how it just like

Blends into the universe like that I wanna like, I wanna see like Waves of songs coming and going Top 40 songs Like a graph, an animated graph Of like, songs just sort of Gliding up into our lives I'm thinking about porn, fantasizing about

POV porn and you're fantasizing about graphs Yeah That's the visualization This is 3D audio by the way If you're wondering It's the visualization of top 40 songs So like, you'll see them peak, pop and then glide away And then there's always that little bup

Like at the end, like how we start You start hearing Can't Hold Us Now a little bit more That it's like been a year But like that, there was six months there That they weren't playing it at all Cause it's more like, it's a summer jam Yeah, yeah, it's a summer jam It's a summer jam

People just like, you don't listen to music during the winter There's nothing to think of as a winter jam Okay What's the song of the winter? Holiday music, that's it You get a couple new tunes in Christmas And then just hold your breath till May, baby It is funny, there's no songs like

Calvin Harris' Winter That doesn't exist A solid winter hit Alright, you know what? Or you tell me what it's time for Break time Break, break, break Moving on

What? To the break Oh, yeah, yeah What else? We have a show next week, this week We have a show this week, on Thursday No, because this is Monday, June 2 We have a show next week, next Thursday

Thursday, June 12 at the UCB Theater in New York And while reservations are sold out You can still show up in a standby line and get in Right You're down to pack the house, right? I want to pack the house Like, dangerously so, right? Yeah, I want it to be a fire hazard

That this porn star guy has to come and put out Yeah, so much so It's with so many people that like He can't even kick his way through A dense wall of audience, remember? That's what I would appreciate So thick that it's like seven to eight times What the capacity of the room allows for

There we go Anything else? In general Yeah, I mean, how are you? How's it going? I'm good How are you? Fine

Good We should stop talking to each other off-podcast Right, we'll have a lot more to catch up on Yeah, so when we stop recording this episode We should just go our separate ways for a week or two Experience life And then come back And catch up

Yeah, and talk That would be cool I had that idea for a podcast which was All Break Podcasts No questions, just me and you chatting Oh, shit Chilling Imagine that like this, but for 40 minutes

Well, maybe we could do like an oral history of You know, of us as a couple Oh As a couple of friends Excuse me So like, 40 minutes of us describing our friendship Yeah, and what we mean to each other And how it came to be

That sounds like it wouldn't be for everyone Definitely not for everyone But maybe there's some people out there who think it was cool Yeah, maybe we'll do it as like a bonus thing You know what we should do is record, video record another episode That's true We haven't done that in a while Yeah

We should ask Carnell to do that for us Mikey, please Next episode Even if it's just a static two-shot There doesn't have to be much editing That's what we did in that hotel in New Orleans Yeah, that was great We just set up a camera

We can even do it on our phones We could And yet, we probably won't Amazing Isn't that insane? It's so interesting No, let's do it Okay, fine

I'll say I'll guarantee it Boom In June All right Love it A video episode Come on, baby We're just not going to do it still

But now I'm This guarantee means nothing I'm a renaixman A renaiser Exactly Yeah, yes A re-nigerian Moving on

Re-nigerian Moving on I thought that was the highlight of the entire episode at this point Ever you to cut me off with that No, I didn't I reject it The hatred I reject it

All right, last question Okay This is a question coming from a lady Where are my girls at? Where are my girls at? Where are my girls at? Shit, where are my girls at? Where are my girls at?

Has anyone seen my girls? I've lost my girls at There were two girls at here And we were just at the American Doll Store And I haven't seen my girls at Where the fuck are my girls at? What happened to them? Give me back my sons at

Let's call her Jenna Von Oy Not six Not six Okay, we're breaking the sixth wall So my boyfriend is in his first year at uni And I knew his moving away would be hard But OMG, nothing could prepare me For this emotional turmoil

He's literally a diva roach I mean, he never calls me when he says he will And sure he says he's doing work But his Facebook picture is telling a different tale He's OBS going clubbing basically every night Probably with other girls He even had the nerve to make some girls our special dinner Spicy rice bolognese

Like WTF I just wish he knew what it's like to be at home Doing Jack shit while he's living La Vida Loca And bettering his career Basically, how can I make him pay me more attention? Is it wrong to try to guilt him into coming home Or dropping out? Love the show

You're both smoke shows Hashtag Wood Bang She said La Vida Loca And left hashtag She Bangs off her email It was right there for her Sorry buddy A low hanging Ricky Martin based fruit That's right

You just called Ricky Martin a fruit Finally You come out as a bigot in a homophobe Thank you sir Would you say her life has turned upside inside out? I really do think And you know what? I can't help it

I can't help it I can't help it I really do think And you know what? I didn't There's no picture of her But you can tell that her lips But I would say they're devil red

Yeah And her skin It's a color mocha Yeah Genovan oi vei Indeed Let me answer each one of her questions in a row What was the first one?

Is it wrong to guilt him into coming home? Well that wasn't the first one But that was definitely one that you could answer Well let's go one by one One by one Her questions are One Well I guess the first question mark I see

Is like what the fuck Okay I'll tell you what the fuck He's having fun at uni Basically how can I make him pay me more attention? Can't Is it wrong to try to guilt him into coming home Or dropping out?

Yes It is wrong to guilt him to come home And to drop out Right So you are jealous because he's having fun At university Yeah And you want him to pay you more attention

Yes And you want him to have less of a good time You want him to drop out Yeah I think you should break up with him And try to better your life She also said like He's bettering his career

So you know That he's bettering himself That he's having good life experiences And there rather than making you Feel happy for him You are feeling anxious, jealous And you want him to have a worse time So you can feel better

So what you have to do is Well this guy's doing half of what we advise We advise people to go off to uni And have the time of their lives as much as they can But cut off their significant other There's no need to still have one far far away If you're having the time of your life without her Right

At least he's not like Not enjoying himself Staying at home being miserable and blaming her Yes So he is doing something right But he should probably have the decency To let her go Right

Since he won't She is feeling betrayed, annoyed, anxious WTF'd about it Yeah So the best thing she can do Is let this guy go Before he breaks up with her Yeah

I'll try to stop hating her a little bit Because I think it's vile to say How do I convince him to drop out of school How do I guilt him into paying more attention But I understand that you're feeling hurt You're feeling slighted You're feeling alone and scared and Maybe a little coy

Why? I like adjectives I also said He is literally a diva roach No he's not He's living livid aloca But you're feeling sad And I think that all you can do

Is cut him free and try to Give yourself an enriching experience Yeah You can't be dragged down by his happiness I ain't mad at her I got nothing but love for her What do you expect at this point? Don't let him get you down, girlfriend

You gotta use that to inspire You gotta make spaghetti bolognese With your own guy who's not at uni Boom Instead of getting mad at him while you're at home Try to outdo him Try to outdo him Have a better life than he is having

You have to become the diva roach Don't you understand The metamorphosis isn't complete Until you've diva roached yourself Until you're WTF-ing somebody else Upside inside out Living la vida loca That song was everywhere and then went away

I think it's time for it to come back I'd like to see a graph of it I'd like to see a visual representation I really think a techno remix of that song by Tiesto Or David Getter Can really be the new song of the summer 15 years later So what's our suggestion for this girl?

If you love something, let it go And have as good as time as you can without it If you love something, let it go If it comes back to you, it's yours But it probably won't Yeah That's the same Obviously, this guy's already not coming back to you

And he emotionally belongs to you If you let him go, you'll never see him again But that's probably for the best And I let it go What do you think's in that Bolognese? Spicy? Ricy The ricy is quite spicy and I find it to be nice

It's a little bit enticing And my head's looking a bit licy Your head's actually looking very licy So licy, it's filled with micy Yeah, the licy have evolved to larger sort of rodents I can see that, I can see That's enough You just scratch your head

Go a little licy over there A little mouse that just skedaddle out of it Shit, I wrote it Look at that Fucking rodents scurrying away over there Yeah, sometimes it's so obvious For us, it's easy when you're out of a relationship Boom

But that's why you write us in Is that our show? You're the host Yeah, and I don't need the prodding I don't need the leading question Is that our show? Okay, because I cut it out But we were sitting here for two minutes And you were staring at me

It's nothing what to do now What do I do? That is our show, ladies and gentlemen I want to say thank you to Lord herself Who? Who, Lord Of the opening theme song? Yeah, amazing

Who was that, though? The names of the three The names of the three The three lords The opening theme song was lovely It came to us from Uh, da da da da da da da da da da da da da Ilana, Iva, Iva

I-la, I-la And Danny And Danny And this last one comes to us from our perennial theme song songstress, Aubrey Scott of the band, 6C. Yeah. Thank you. Alright, you can listen to more 6C at S-I-C-K-S-E-A dot bandcamp dot com. Think that URL is based on the American Pie Joke? Yes, that's it. Thanks so much, guys. And again, that email address, if you have your own questions, is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Thanks,

everyone.