If I Were You - 81: Stand Up Comedy

Episode Date: June 2, 2025

In this episode we talk about growing, changing, and why Amir almost quit comedy forever.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Hedgum Original. Mc Crispy Strips are now at McDonald's! Tender, juicy, and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious. New Mc Crispy Strips, now at McDonald's. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba Chicken are mere two Jews that you can't forget

In 2010 they were big on the internet And all things considered, their success is more than fair Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Seconds Another podcast Seconds Each app different from the last Seconds It's the Swiss Army Knife of Chose

Now let's Meet your two empathic hosts Seconds Finally, an episode without Jake. We were all thinking it was about damn time. Years and years have gone by since the last episode. One of us had to miss, and you know what? We record these on such a rapid schedule that if one little wrinkle comes up, suddenly we're both not available to make this podcast. Fortunately, there's two of us.

That's the best part about being in a duo when somebody isn't there, at least the other person is. We never had to do this for a live show, but this has come up on the podcast a few times, so I'm gonna try to carry the burden solo dolo style until next week when Jake comes back. And then maybe I'll just be unavailable and see what he can do by himself. But if you guys end up liking this one or that one more than a regular podcast, then

suddenly there's an issue or it's a good thing, because we can just alternate, do half as much work as we usually do. But something tells me you'll still like the episodes with both of us more, which makes sense. It's hard to bounce and riff off yourself. Playing tennis against a wall is fine, but it's not very fun. This is a video that I'm recording

because instead of doing a full episode of me just talking for 45 minutes, which kind of I considered because it sounds like a fun challenge, but ultimately probably around minute eight, nine, 10, 11, I'd be like, holy shit, I have nothing left to say and I still have 35 more minutes to go. We're gonna drop a classic video episode

of If I Were You that we made for our Patreon like six, seven years ago. That's been behind a paywall, so we'll make that the last two thirds of this episode. So a little bit of newness up top. It's June of 2025 when I'm talking now, then we'll go to commercial, come back, and who knows what month and year it'll be on the other side,

but it'll be a classic if I were you, because we still get people saying, you know what, I miss if I were you. Of course, every time you rebrand and start a new thing right before you do, it's is anybody else sick of if I were you? I feel like they answer the same questions over and over we create a new podcast does anybody else miss if I were you that line of questioning

always angers slash annoys me it's sort of a pet peeve of mine does anybody else like I see a tweet or a reddit post obviously I love all of our, but I'm saying for other people or other things or even Jake and Amir related things, does anybody else hate this universally adored thing? Yeah, I'm sure somebody else does. Does anybody else love the commercials more than the actual basketball games? Yeah, I guess one to two, five, six, eight people

of the millions of people watching, suddenly people are talking about it and it seems like it's a movement. But it's not really a movement. It's just you found a few other people to complain with you. So yeah, does anybody else like it when Jake's not fucking here and it's just me? Does anybody else actually prefer these

episodes? Yeah, I'm sure somebody else does somewhere out there. I thought I could talk about two things that are kind of related that I watched recently before we get into the if I reuse section of the show. Mission Impossible, Final Reckoning, Nathan Fielder's The Rehearsal. Kind of unrelated, kind of not. Here's what I'm thinking. Both really impressive airplane stunts. I can say for both of them, can you believe that was actually them on the plane?

Can you believe it? And also for both of them, I would say, I really, really loved it. I just thought I would have loved a little bit more if they were both a little bit funnier because I know that those two guys are capable of being even funnier. Of course, that wasn't the point of that movie or perhaps the point of that episode as much as the craziness that we witnessed. Holy shit, I can't believe they pulled this off for both. But my Mission Impossible fandom was born out

of the ability to create comedy and cool gadgetry and the stunts. The Mission Impossible stunts were obviously incredible and nothing that anything has ever happened before and while they're happening you're like holy shit I can't believe this is happening. Not unlike the rehearsal I can't believe Nathan Fielder pulled off the ability to fly a 737. Somebody who before 45 minutes uh 45 minutes earlier we didn't even know if he could fly anything. He's like, oh, I guess he's been learning how to fly small planes. That's really impressive.

Holy shit, he's flying a 737 within 45 minutes. Both really, really impressive. Loved them both. Wish they were both a little bit funnier, but that's just a personal preference. You can't just say I wished everything was funnier. Some things are not meant to be very funny And yes, there still was does anybody else think that mission impossible the final reckoning was the funniest one? Sure, maybe some of you thought that because there were some funny parts in it just like the rehearsal

There's some funny parts in it But I remember their old episodes their old old movies, and I know what they're capable of comedically. So while I was very, very impressed and wrapped in the drama of this airplane stunt, both Tom Cruise on the wing of an airplane and Nathan Fielder pulling off the miracle on the Mojave. Uh, part of me was left wishing that it was a little bit funnier, but that's okay. I also wish this episode was a little bit funnier. Unfortunately, Jake dropped the ball. This is his fault specifically. He also scripted exactly what I should be saying.

So everything I've said so far has been scripted by Jake, who again, isn't here, but we'll be back next week. Uh, okay. Without much further ado, actually let's do a little bit further ado. What else have I watched recently? Not much. I'm not really a pop culture consumer in many regards. I spend so much time watching basketball.

I can't spend eight hours a day watching sports and then pop in a fucking Marvel movie. That's not me. I'm not up to date on bands because my entire brain space is already on NBA news notes information. I can't know how tall Larry Bird is and also who directed fucking the Avengers end game.

There's only so much room in my brain for facts. Although I do think Larry Bird directed one of the Avengers movies. Maybe that was Brad Bird. Maybe that was a Mission Impossible movie. Anyway, I'm rambling, I'm digressing. Let's take a break, come back. And a previous version of us,

a pre-COVID version of us will come back and discuss, chat, talk, and give advice the way we only knew how to do back in the day. Thanks for listening, thanks for watching. We'll see you soon. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you DraftKings. Ah, it's playoff time and you're still just watching the games. You're missing out because with pick six from DraftKings, you can turn your

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or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick Six not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void were prohibited one per new customer bonus awarded as non-withdrawable. Pick six bonus picks that expire in 14 days, limited time offer terms at pick six dot draft kings.com slash. Pro Mo's. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would

do if only I were you. Shark.com. Fuck you. Fuck you, man. Read between the fucking lines. I can't. I actually can't see your hand. Fuck you. Thanks. All right. Prick. Fuck you. Fuck off. By the way, thanks for liking my last tweet.

Oh wait, you didn't. Ass wipe. Is that why you were giving me the middle finger? That you're so petty. Not all heroes wear grapes, and it's a sandwich with cranberry sauce. Honestly, I hated that tweet, man. I wouldn't have, just me not liking it. Say what you think. It makes, why did you, why did you do that? Not all heroes wear grapes.

You retweeted such a random person. I found this sandwich by searching for it. So you had the idea to write, Not all heroes wear grapes. And then you searched for a hero with cranberry sauce. Which does exist. Obviously it's Twitter. It does. The amount of content on here is so vast.

So you thought of a bad pun and then you went back into it. That's... And then when I look through who liked it, first of all a lot of people hated it. Yeah it was so pointless. And then yeah I'm just searching again. Because cranberry sauce isn't even grapes. Yeah that's because it's not isn't even grapes. You're not Yeah, that's cuz it's not all heroes wear grapes some were cranberries Honestly, man That is like such it makes it better. We're such a bad stretch. You want to like it You don't you sort of are torn. I Really like there's a world where you would just not even mention that I didn't like it

and you could have imagined that I missed it. Let me double check to see if you have. You brought it out. No, you're still not. No, I saw it. None of my friends liked it. Did the person who posted it even notice? No, that person has since given up on,

this is a tweet from 2014. It's a 2014, it's a tweet from 2014? Yeah, this guy's not even active. It's so, it's such a bad pun. Cause I had to find it. Cause it's not even in the zeitgeist. No, cause it's old. It's the idea of a gyro with creme de yoghurt.

It seems like you're coming around on the idea that it's bad, right? So you're mad at me for not liking what you. I'll delete it for now. And then I'll repost it tomorrow to see if it, maybe it was lost in the, cause we just had a holiday weekend. Well the holiday weekend is the only time it would have worked.

Cause of cranberry. Yeah, it's not gonna do well next week. All right. This stuff shouldn't weigh on you so much, by the way. And it didn't, until like I heard the theme song and then I saw you and I'm like, wait a minute. Yeah. And I put the, I connected the dots.

So don't say that it didn't, cause it did, cause like you didn't, it's like. I couldn't fucking sleep last night over it. It's pervasive, absolutely. I just keep thinking, it doesn't weigh on me, it's just so heavy on my soul. That's literally weighing on you. Yeah.

That's what weighing on you means. I'll try to get over it, but obviously I can't promise. These are my thoughts and feelings. I can't turn them off and on. You seem to be able to. You need help. You need help. You need professional guidance.

Yeah. Eh. I've never cried before. I guess we're having a breakthrough. But I didn't want to. Alright, moving on. This is If I Were You, an advice show. After all, people will email us. We'll do our best to answer them once a week on Monday on our podcast.

But every other Thursday, this bonus video episode. So you guys can see us. You can see me flipping you off. You can see you flicking your chin at me. The fangool. Oh, a lot of, you have a lot of chin dandruff. How do you go like that at like? I'm trying to get it in your coffee down there. It looks like a snow globe.

Ha ha ha. Oh. Oh. It's so dusty in here now. But we got some good emails to try to answer. Yeah. And this is of course an advertisement free zone. Right.

So we don't have to like mention me on these or Squarespace. Yeah, you didn't sell an ad did you? Feels. Or anything like that. All right. I'm just saying now we have to like give these guys the late of day.

Yeah, so let's not talk about them. Manscaped for example is another brand. We won't mention. Yeah. Because this is ad free content. Exactly. What are you doing? Trying to shoehorn four different advertisers.

All bird style. It's not all bird style. You just got another one in there. Here's another question for you. All right, a question. We'll call this the, yeah. Not an advertisement. No, this is the Nature Box question of the day.

Nature Box has an advertisement on our show in two years. You're giving them, what do you mean, well? All right, this guy has a question about his office Christmas party. Okay, should be a holiday party. The war on Christmas is raging. We still fight, brothers! What side are you on?

The one that fucking takes away Merry Christmas, I think. Okay, so I found myself in a really weird situation. We'll call this guy Tim Allen. Because he's from the Santa Claus. That's right. He should really be a Maccabee or something. I started a new job earlier this year at a dentist office and I've been really enjoying it.

However, the office Christmas party is coming up very soon and my boss recently laid a bomb on me. Apparently the office has a tradition that all the new employees are required to give a speech at the Christmas party. Oh my God. I'm not sure how this tradition came about or what purpose of it is.

It feels like it's probably just to embarrass the new employees, but who knows. Anyway, this has set me into a panic because I hate giving speeches. I have no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to say since it's not like there's anything specific I'm supposed to be giving a speech about. So I come to you two wordsmiths now

wondering what I should give a speech about. One idea I had was to try standup comedy. Oh God, this could either go over really well if I nail it or it could be humiliating if I bomb. Should I just say fuck it and see what happens? Or do you have other ideas about what I could do for a speech? Help, love, Tim.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ooh. Don't try standup comedy. For the first time ever. I mean, try it, go to an open mic, that sounds great. But this is not the time to this is the big show This is the event that you practice for not that you test the waters on yeah So he is in a panic because he hates giving speeches. It's a new job Office Christmas party he's thinking stand up. So I don't want to give the speech, but maybe if anything, I'll try stand up.

I don't want to give a speech, but maybe I'll try something a lot harder, which is to make all these employees that I sort of know laugh in an office Christmas party setting. In between other people giving speeches. Why don't you keep it short and sweet? Yeah.

I once did stand up at a battle of the bands because I was funny. Yeah. And I said, stand up is easy. I've seen stand up, I can do it. And it went so poorly that I haven't done stand up at a battle of the bands because I was funny. And I said, stand up is easy. I've seen stand up, I can do it. And it went so poorly that I haven't done stand up since. This was 14 years ago. Was it emotionally scarring?

Yes. You think, really? I was like, oh, I'm not funny. Did you? Huh, that went poor, obviously. Nobody reacted. There was no part of you that like, you know, justified it in your head.

Like that was just a bad place to do stand up. People were there to see their friends bands and I tried stand up and it was all wrong. My timing was bad, but I'm okay. My timing was bad, but in terms of when the jokes happened. So you, you like walked off stage. I was like, wow, that was eye opening. Walked right into an accounting class.

I'm like, well, I guess I should be doing this with my life. Do you remember any of the jokes that you told? Yeah, I think I told you this. I had, I definitely had a video of it that my friends started to take and stopped because it was going so poorly. But the first- God, can you find that video? No, it would be mortifying.

I would put that on Patreon for $100,000 each. What was one of the jokes? It was, oh yes, I think I told you this joke. It was my impersonation of a deaf rock star. I can't hear you. No, seriously, I can't hear you. It's not bad, but definitely didn't play well on the day. And then there was one about how I live in LA,

but I drive to college up North and that the drive usually takes six hours, but the way I drive five hours and 58 minutes. That's not terrible. That's fine. People wanted to hear music. They didn't want my nervous Jew ass up there waxing comedic or Philosophical because I started questioning how well I'm feeling nervous just conjuring up. There's like a deep recess

It's too big. It was too big. It was like 800 people. That's It was too big. It was too big. It was like 800 people. That's... So when there's 800 people in a huge auditorium, they're all here to hear music. And that was your first time? Were you nervous before? Yes! Of course I was nervous! There was... I remember my friend was organizing it. Why did you accept this job? So my friend was organizing it, and he's like, oh in between the music while like people are setting up for the bands

Let's get some comedy terrible time. I have a funny friend, right? And then oh my god, so mortifying. I went to like a planning meeting about the show Where he's like wanted to vouch for me and then there he was like then my buddy Amir will do stand up And then they were like, can you like give us a few samples of what you'll do? I'm like, basically I'll talk about this. I don't know. The jokes haven't like been fleshed out yet. I was too nervous to even perform it at the meeting. I fucked up so bad. I was nervous before, terrified when it started, and sad when it ended. There was no redemption. It never ended well.

You knew the jokes when they asked what they were going to be, right? Yes, and I was too scared to say them for fear of them not doing well. I'll do something about driving. It'll be like, kind of like, but not really this this because this isn't funny unless you guys like it. It's six hours both the way I drive, five hours 58 minutes, but I'll change it. Like the way I deliver it on the day will be good. Was that a laugh? Was that a laugh? No, sorry, I'm eating a chip. It was bad. Anyway, don't you stand up.

No, no, no, hold on. I have more questions. Who is at the, of your friends, who's at the stand-up thing a lot of like half acquaintances because I think was my freshman year so like People who lived on my floor were there and they're like you're funny man Well, I can't make it like that was a tough environment like you said what we're like you got pep talks afterwards where people like, hey that. Like yeah I don't know what the deal was. I think some guy literally yelled you're not funny during a silence after a joke.

And that got the biggest laugh of the evening. So basically it's a miracle I'm still here today. So the idea of doing that in front of coworkers that you'll have to see every day, not that this guy will bomb as much as I did because that was a particularly bad situation. However, you don't even wanna risk it because what if somebody is offended

or doesn't find you funny and then that, your work is your safe space. I think there's two things that are going on. I get that this guy wants to maybe try standup and I think that's cool and he, and he should go to open mics and do it in an environment where people are gonna let you sharpen your comedy tool. But this thing is not a standup set.

This is a small speech that you- The smaller the better. Yeah, and I would use it as an opportunity to say, thank you for the work that you've been able to do so far. You're looking forward to working with everyone in the future and then say, I believe that the future here is bright. Ding.

As a smile is, hurry, hurry! Ah, ah! We all laughed. I like the future's bright joke. Oh no. Stomach on the ground. Yeah, something like that. So mostly speech, maybe a joke to test the waters.

Yeah, test the waters. A joke that doesn't have to be funny, that just has to be charming. Yeah. And then don't do harikari. Maybe it's like, how about this for a joke. Hey guys, I don't wanna stand up here and lie to you, like a patient telling you they floss.

Nice. I quit. I can only think of bad jokes. All right, keep it short and sweet. Yeah, short and sweet, move on. Let us know how it went. Here's another question for the holidays. It's a question from a Catholic lady about a Jewish boy.

Ooh. Catholic lady. Who's a question from a Catholic lady about a Jewish boy. Oh. Catholic lady. Who's a classic Catholic lady? Mother Mary. Mother Mary writes. Oh, she's Christian. I don't know anything about religion. Go ahead.

Anyway, so I went to the club with my friends and I basically spotted this cute Jewish boy. I went up to him and we started talking for an hour to be exact. And eventually we started following each other on Instagram. After a while the club lights came on and I joined back with my friends to get ready to go home. He then came up to me and said he was leaving

and he said bye and then he left. Me and my friends then went to get Chinese and I DMed him asking when we could go out. I woke up the next morning and realized that I drunk messaged him. Will he answer or did I come off too strong? Do you think he will still wife me because I'm not Jewish? This is his Instagram if you guys want to see what he looks like. But don't make it too obvious that she provides the Instagram. If you're curious, mine is this.

I know you just respond to douchey guys, but your girl is in need of help and she's still drunk currently. Please and thank you. That, okay, I think you are overthinking this. He hasn't even responded or not responded yet. Yeah. It's too early to tell. I think that a guy can come on too strong and I guess a girl can come on too strong too, but every time I've woken up

and like gotten a drunk DM from somebody, I guess back when I was single, I would have been like, oh good, that's a positive sign. Not like, oh geez, she's desperate. This guy is a good looking guy. His account is private, so I'm gonna request a follow. No, don't, I think that'll make it obvious. She said not to make it obvious.

The lady wanted me to scope your. You're messaging him? Yeah, she's all, she's wondering if you'll wife her or not cuz she's not Jewish I think she's still a Chinese. It ain't so Break up with her you fucking asshole You prick this is all one message. She's gonna ruin your life if you don't date her No, this guy's this is a nice looking dude and a nice looking lady.

They'd make a handsome couple. And I think the fact that they, he came up to her to say bye. Yeah. That's the most he was gonna give. You guys talked for an hour, he came up to say bye and then you DM'd him. It's like, it feels just like so far so good.

Yeah. This is like, if you're giving the history, it's not like they talked for an hour and he said goodbye, but then, you know, it's like this is just, it's all chronological. Talk for an hour, say goodbye, Instagram DM over late night Chinese. Great, so far so good.

Will he wife her or not because she's not Jewish? I think it depends. You wouldn't. Yeah, and I think there are different levels of Jews. Some people are like, this is a non-starter. Some people are like, I don't give a shit. Some people think they don't give a shit, and maybe they do. And some people think it's a non-starter,

but then it's fine. That's right. So it's too early to tell on that front either. Yeah. What you have to do is wedge your way into his heart to the point where he says, I can't live without you despite your religion. I need you to convert to Judaism for me. And then I need you, lady, to turn your back on your faith, your God, to be with this man,

who you said was your new savior. He's your Jesus. Who, by the way, was Jewish. I'm actually glad we're recording this. Catholicism is a lie. You're DMing her now, right? Furthermore, everything you think you know about God originated... I'm the angry matchmaker! I'm a sad, livid, yenta of sorps. Pulling heartstrings, I'm a cupid who also has to wear a diaper sometimes

Cupid and stupid, stupid cupid I'm with stupid cupid Alright, let us know what happens, keep us posted, follow up up, we want to know For real, invite us to the wedding That's cool Alright, let's see here, let's see I'm actually surprised you and I haven't gone to a wedding of anyone yet. We've done some proposal videos.

That's right. I don't even think we've ever been invited. We've probably been invited. We might have. Yeah. Fine. We've turned down hundreds of weddings, but it's weird that we've never gone. Yeah, we should go.

It would have been more fun in our earlier lives. Now it's like, what am I gonna fucking get a gift? Commute to Detroit. Yeah, well, it'd have to be the right city. It'd have to be a cool city. Okay, cool. Somewhere I'd want to go anyway. Yeah, because they'll pay for you probably a 10.

Boston, Portland. Any land, really. Yeah, those are kind of the main two. Boston or Portland, Maine or Detroit again, like I said. All right. Calgary or Hungary. Edmonton. Here's a question about you specifically, Jake.

Squeeze me? A lady again from Chicago. We'll call her Michaela Jordan writes. Okay. I'm writing because I'm currently listening to old episodes and you guys were so different. Jake was a scumbag who couldn't commit. And Amir said he would kill a dog if one came into his home.

Now Jake is married and Amir freaking loves his dog, according to Instagram. I'm 24, so a little younger than you were then. But I'm wondering, for for Jake especially what made you change I'm guessing some of that was a bit but also based in truth I want to believe people ie men in my life will grow up and change and that I can still do so, too Thanks and much love Michaela Very nice. So one do you think you've changed?

Or is it the same person just older wiser? That's interesting. I think I've changed Yeah, I think I've changed Yeah Yeah right guys No, I mean it's hard for me to like tap back into that, but like, I wonder, I don't, it definitely was less of a bit

than I would probably wish if I listened to it. Less of a bit than you'd care to admit. Yeah, less of a bit than I care to admit. So more real. Yeah. And there's stuff that you were doing then that you wouldn't do now? Yeah, but I think I still,

there's still like the same kind of, at the heart of that was like, sometimes everything is great. I think I'm awesome and I make stupid decisions when I'm at the height of like my confidence. And then the next day I'm like, I'm a piece of shit, what is wrong with me? And that happens now, except I'm just doing things

that are slightly less damaging. I see, so you're still making mistakes, but the severity of the mistakes are smaller. Yeah. I'm not like destroying relationships like I was back in that day. That's cool. Which is better. That's an improvement. But have you gotten the opportunity

to destroy a relationship and you said no? Yeah, probably. Or maybe not like, I don't think it's been like an opportunity like, hey, you could destroy a relationship. And my willpower is like, I don't think my willpower has gotten much stronger, to be honest. But I have definitely gotten better at knowing myself

and being like, I go that way, and that becomes that decision, like destroy a relationship or not. And I'd probably choose to destroy a relationship one. It's almost like any addiction, you're like, I have to stop cold turkey because it's not like I would die if I had a drink, but then that would lead to more destruction.

Yeah, it's like, it's the, it almost feels like a wooded path. And you're like, I know this one goes to a bad place and this one goes to a better one. And it's easier when it's all woods to be like, I'll go this way. Then when it's like shiny object or a normal object, shiny object is usually more enticing.

So your level of maturity is just deciding not to go to the place that would make you make mistakes. Yeah. More so than going all the way to the mistakes and saying, not today. Right. And sometimes, you know, you go halfway to a mistake and then you're like, I ain't got a double back here. I've been here before.

But I think, I don't think, I don't know if there was like an inciting incident that made me change, except for meeting Jill. Oh, you think meeting her changed you? You weren't changed and then you met her? I wish. I feel like the healthier thing to say is like. You have to love yourself before you let someone love you. But it really kind of was just, Jill, so good luck.

So you have to find someone that will change you. The opposite of what most people say. Don't love yourself or work on you. You have to find someone that will require you to be healthier. Find someone that's worth changing for. That's cool. I'd say change on your own, but it's really fucking hard.

And I still don't like dogs, I just like my dog. That's right. Yeah, so like I don't see a dog and go, oh my God, I have to pet the dog. But I like Luke. Yeah, but like that's changed from, I would never have a dog and go, oh my God, I have to pet the dog. But I like Luke. Yeah, but like that's changed from I would never have a dog. That's right. I do love my dog.

Yeah, now I'm like, oh. So we do, people change incrementally and it's hard to notice over time, but I bet if we listen to like episode five or something. God, dangerous. Is that the one where I advocated shutting down every- Humane society? Yeah. Maybe. It's like, why are we, why do we have funds for that? Right. Or the episode where I advocated shutting down every... Humane society? Yeah. Maybe. It's like, why are we, why do we have funds for that?

Right. Or the episode where I told people that they don't have to get tested for STDs. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you still tell people not to get flu shots. I have a little bit of a cold now, actually. Really? Yeah, I should have gotten that shot.

Well, the flu shot wouldn't stop your cold if it makes you feel any better. That is good. Unless this now devolves into a flu. Right, that's what I'm afraid of. In which case I told you so. We'll wait till I get sick or not. I might get better tomorrow.

That'll be on your flight back to New York. That's right. All right, we have a few more minutes if you wanna chat about anything else. Yeah, let's talk again about your standup at the Battle of the Bands. Yeah, so Berkeley, California. So when you left, you didn't finish your set.

I ended it early because I said, this isn't going well, is it? And people laughed at that. I'm like, all right, I'll leave you with my one closing joke. And what was the closing joke? God. It's funny that you're like,

someone would be like, hey, no one's having fun, but I'll leave you. Because what if I fucking nailed his last one, and you guys want me to stay? Couldn't it have gone so well that you finished your set, you gave him your B material? The last one was a callback to a joke I had to skip because I was too nervous.

Sorry, that would have made sense if you guys didn't freak me out to the point where I didn't say the first one. Bye forever. Yeah, I stopped trying to do standup after that. And I still get kinda nervous when like, we have to like, it's come up a couple times where we like MC a show, where it's like,

all right, we'll do a little shtick up top, which is fine. But then like in between the acts, you go up there and introduce the next person. I mean, we've definitely, I've gotten more comfortable with those not going well because you do learn like, oh, when you MC an event, people aren't really here for standup. Like you're, you just have to fill time.

Like you're not gonna crush. And we've like avoided doing jobs like that, I think. I do sometimes like when I'm bored, I'm like, should I try standup? Like it might be fun to just like like, have 10 good minutes of material. Yeah. But then, and never to the point where I'm writing jokes, going out and performing them at open mics.

Yeah, well the problem is, like, your first jokes that you told seemed like they were fine starting out jokes, but like most people do them at open mics, they get involved in the stand-up community, they finally tune all their material and then they do big shows. You would perform for 800 people with brand new material, jokes you had never tried anywhere.

And then quit instantly. The opposite of how one does stand-up. But I also would not do stand-up. I never even had an experience where I bombed. But I just wouldn't do stand up. I never even had a experience where I bombed. But I just wouldn't do stand up. Like if everything went away and then you have to start from scratch, does the idea of like performing stand up excite you at all?

I think there was a time actually when we were like doing our, when you hated dogs and I was a despicable man, I was like, I thought it'd be cool to do like a one man show. Oh yeah. You know what I just recently watched was the Mike Birbiglia one-man show on Netflix, which was really funny.

You should watch that. Yeah, I should. But I also just don't, now is not a time for me to do a one-man show. Right. No one cares about my plight. Back in 2013, a guy that had sex too much was interesting. Now you're the worst person imaginable.

All right, well, check us out on the road. I'll be at the Chucklefuck factory. And I'll also be at the Chucklefuck sweeping. All right, thanks so much for watching. We'll be back very soon. If you have any more questions of your own, send them to ifiroushowatgmail.com. Thank you for subscribing. We'll see you guys very soon. If you have any more questions of your own, send them to if I were you show at gmail.com. Thank you for subscribing. We'll see you guys very soon. Bye everybody. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you.

Shark.com That was a Hedgum Original. Hi, I'm Jessi Klein. And I'm Liz Feldman, and we're the hosts of a new Headgum podcast called Here to Make Friends. Liz and I met in the writer's room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder. But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming

very good friends in their 40s. Which can really happen, and it has happened to us. It's true. Because life has imitated ours. And then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle. And now. We're making a podcast that's about making friends.

And we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Bear. Wow, I have so much to say. Lisa Kudrow. Feelings, they're a nuisance. Nick Kroll. I just wanted to say hi. Matt Rogers. I'm like on the verge of tears.

So good. So good to join us and hopefully become our friends in real life. Take it out of the podcast studio and into real life. Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating. Yep. Spousing. True.

Parenting. Career-ing. Yeah. And why we love film. And Louise and It's the Greatest Movie of All Time. Shouldn't need to be said. No, we said it. It's just a true thing.

So please subscribe to Here to Make Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Friday.