If I Were You - 82: Highs and Lows

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

In this episode we discuss Jake’s absence, Amir’s dreams, and guess candle scents.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. Yeah! Meet you two pathetic hoes. Seconds. Yeah. You were making some really offensive gestures during that song. I was doing the, my heart goes out to you salute. Yeah. The Musk sign. Because my heart goes out to you.

You were, you were gone last week and it scared everybody. There were a lot of rumors about your demise. Some people started planning this like half celebration funeral style thing where we would get together. Like a celebration of my life or a celebration that my life is over. Which one? Well, like we wanted like, not make it a sad... Am I beloved or beloathed? You're betrothed, actually. Really? Yeah, we wanted it to be, like, a funeral, but, like, a celebratory funeral. Like, let's not be sad that it's over.

Let's be happy that he's gone for now. I think I'd be cool with everybody being sad at my funeral. I don't want it to be a celebration, a party of my life. I want it to be like, we fucking miss this guy. What if you died at age 94? Then I guess it could be a celebration of my life actually. But only then. Yeah, only when I hit 94.

Every year before that is too early. 93 is a tragedy. I was so young. Yeah, only when I hit 94. Every year before that is too early. 93 is a tragedy. Yeah, well you gotta understand we're at the precipice of living a lot longer with AI slash medicine. Uploading my consciousness to the cloud. Yeah, we can sort of reach superhuman capability to the point where most diseases may be eradicated in our lifetime, which is kind of dope if you think about it. Yeah, we might be coming in after the fit,

like we might not get it in under the wire. Yeah, well the question is can we reverse aging or just sort of, okay, we get to the point where now you're sort of stuck in that age. You just gotta stay healthy until we get there. Right, because it would be like, it would have been perfect if they could stop aging when I was like 27.

Yes, exactly. That would have been ideal. Pain free since 83. Yeah, but if I make it to 82 and they're like, hey, good news, you can live forever, I'm like, great, well, everything hurts. Yeah, I'm sore and I talk slowly, so I'm not really, really, like, great, well, everything hurts. Yeah, I'm sore and I talk slowly, so I'm not really, really, really, really, really,

you know, like that. Yeah, well, I guess by then I'll have been used to my new body and my brain will be the same-ish, so maybe I wanna live forever. But I'd like to be able to play tennis. Yeah, that'd be nice, but you'll probably be able to play Wii. I think they'll still have Wii.

I think so. In 2053. That's good. That's a song. Am I going to be 80 then? Damn, that's kind of soon. No, you're 85, so 2065 is when you'll be 80. Okay, nice. Alright, good. That sounds like a long way away.

Yeah, do you think you can thrive till 2065? Um, I think I could hit eighties mid as long as I don't have an accident doesn't befall me. Yeah. Which you are sort of, I mean, have you been, have you been surfing still? Um, I haven't, I think I surfed actually the last time I surfed was probably in March. So not that recently. Okay. What about biking? I went on a ride this morning actually. Yeah. That's recently. Okay what about biking? I went on a ride this morning actually. Shit yeah that's pretty dangerous actually. Is it? I was wearing a helmet. Yeah but like you keep hearing horror stories and stuff like that. Yeah no that's true you really do get into a lot of near misses in New York

City. Because of the cars. Yeah the cars the double parking the garbage trucks the the people kind of going in and out between the cars the the double parking, the garbage trucks, the people kind of going in and out between the cars, the jaywalking, the e-bikes. The curbs, the cracks. The curbs. The potholes. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Not easy. It's not easy, but it's always worth it. But either way, you're back. You survived. You had COVID and now you don't. Yeah. Yeah.

I had COVID. Now I guess I, yeah, no, it's been basically six days. It's kind of annoying that we had cold and flu and now we just have a third one. Like, is that what it feels like? Did it feel special or does it just feel like now I'm sick? It doesn't really matter what it is. It felt a little special. It felt more like, it felt like a flu.

It felt like really bad flu. Body aches. Yeah, very achy, very tired, congestion, brain fog, in a daze, really like out of it. Cold plus flu. Yeah, yeah. But the interesting, it was over, all of those symptoms were over in 24 hours.

So it came and left. Pretty much. I mean, since then, I feel like a little bit. I feel like it's maybe like I have like a very, very light cold and it's like I'm about to kick it, but I feel fine. And did you do like an old school COVID test? Well, so the main story is that Gemma had COVID. Gemma is the one that Gemma had COVID.

Gemma's the one, Gemma was patient zero. She was patient zero. Yeah, so we actually, we ended up in the ER, which was horrifying. Because you stubbed your toe. Yeah, yeah. I was in Long Island trying to go to a tree nursery so I could look for a new tree for our backyard.

Okay. I get a call from my wife that she's taking our daughter to the ER. Is she like don't freak out or is she like uh freak out? She was between those two. She was not she wasn't like I didn't know that everything was fine. I'm not sure Yeah, she basically called me when she was like, Jake, you need to turn around. We're taking Gemma to the emergency room. I knew you had no context as to why. Yeah, neither did Jill. I like, I'm like looking it up and reading. Oh, all right. So it could be an allergy or a virus to give you a symptom like wire. Oh, yeah, yeah. She said her

breathing was very her breathing was very, her breathing was shallow. She was lethargic and she had a fever. So it felt like a serious sickness. Yeah and so I like, you know, went straight to the ER to meet them. Wow. But and they had hooked her up to a heart monitor.

Her heart rate was 250. Oh my God. Which is insanely high. Yeah, faster than like exercising at max capacity. Yeah, so, you know, they were like, I think everybody was concerned. We were very concerned. You have to be.

Yeah. And it was, I don't know, yeah, it was one of those things where you're like, part of you is like, oh, these things are always fine or it seems scary and then it will be fine. But then you're also like, you never, you don't know. You really don't know. So we're there and then they give us,

they tell us they're doing a bunch of tests, they're gonna do blood work, they're gonna do a chest x-ray, they're gonna do an EKG, all of this stuff, like God is her heart okay, this is so fucking scary. And then the nurse was like,

we also did like a COVID test and it's positive. Wow. And we're like, oh, she has COVID, like so can all of this be explained with COVID? And she was like, maybe, but the heart rate is really high. So we want to do all these tests and whatever, whatever. So we stay there for like eight hours. Her heart rate comes down,

but not enough for them to like send us home. And they want to do more tests on her heart to make sure that it is a hundred percent only COVID. Heart is fine. And how do you even talk to her during this? She was like, you know, not three yet, right? Yeah, she just turned two. So it's like, what do you even say?

I mean, literally I think it's maybe one of the hardest things I've ever done. She's incredibly smart. I think she's very advanced. So like- So she was the one who was like, is it COVID? Is it possible something else? She's like, it's like- So she was the one who was like, is it COVID? Is it possible something else? Yeah, she's talking to me down, yeah.

She's like, it's gonna be okay, dad. Let me just talk to the fucking nurse. She pretty much, she understands a little bit what's going on. She like, she knows that she's at the hospital. She knows that there are nurses. She knows that there's doctors. She's gotten shots before.

So we're explaining all of this to her, but she's uncomfortable because she's sick also. And she doesn't want anyone to touch her. Right. And sometimes when they, like, they had to put an IV into her hand. Oh my God. So like, that, you can't tell her

that it's gonna be fine because it's awful. Because it'll hurt, yeah. Yeah. It's okay, it'll hurt. Don't worry, they're like, they're just using a light to find your tiny veins. Oh, God. So we were just like, you know, just like you can hold me. You can cry. It's okay. We're right here. Just like that. That's what is fucking Oh, my God. And, and yeah.

We should say that she's healthy now. Oh yeah, she's totally good. Yeah, yeah. She's fucking killing it. So we're not setting it up for some sad ending. She's great. Yeah, she is great. We're back.

She's absolutely, absolutely thriving. So it was all COVID? Yeah, in the end. So they came back, they told us, I mean, after they've given her like the IV, they've done everything to like lower her heart rate, lower her temperature. We ended up sleeping in the hospital overnight.

They admitted us to a room. So we went, slept Thursday night at the hospital. This was when I was telling you that we couldn't do the podcast, I believe. At that point, I felt like you still could have rallied to the point where we could do like some sort of rancor or maybe like... Technically, I was home late Friday afternoon. I could have gotten a pod out because I wasn't sick then.

At the very least, a helix ad. So yeah, we go to the room and at that point, then she's kind of like... Then she calmed down a little bit. There was like a big go to the room and at that point, then she's kind of like, then she calmed down a little bit. There was like a big TV in the room. We let her watch more TV than she's ever had. You really can't do that. I was telling Jill, like the screen time is worse at this point.

We were- Try to engage with her with puzzles. Liquid in the IV and Daniel the tiger in the other vein. She was mainlining Daniel the tiger. She was high on Caillou. She was on that bluey. Jill doesn't really like her eating sugar, but like we got her a huge popsicle.

All bets were off for sure. She like talks kind of a lot for a two-year-old. So every time we asked her how she's feeling, she would say, so much better. She would just go, so much better. That's nice. And every time, literally anybody walked into the room, even if it was to give her food, she would yell,

I don't want the temperature in my booty. So like, she was making a lot of friends at the hospital. But also during that time, we're like, whenever she's uncomfortable, when they're putting, they would put, they had to put like stickers on her, on her, to monitor her heart, but she'd crawl around and they'd fall off, so they'd have to come in and put them back.

But she didn't like seeing anybody, so she was, you know, scream crying into our mouths. I put on a mask at one point and she just like looked scared for a second at me and I was like, oh, fuck it. I'll get COVID. Yeah, we're all, it was, we were like in a vacuum sealed room, just the three of us. And it's just like, all right.

You and Jill got COVID. Yeah. And at that point I was like, I either maybe got it recently and I hadn't, I mean, I had a cold like two months ago. So maybe that could have been COVID and I had the immunity. But sure enough, I did not. Friday night, Gemma's asleep. Jill and I are like finally unwinding. We're like, what did we eat? Maybe we ordered sushi and like we're sitting in front of the TV and we're just like both just go,

hum, hum, hum. It's probably just allergies. That's what Jill said. She's like, it's just allergies. We've been inside for 36 hours. It's allergies. I think it's just allergies. And then I stood up, we stood up to go to bed.

I was like, we have COVID, right? And she was like, oh yeah, we do. So no test or test anyway up, we set up to go to bed. I was like, we have COVID, right? And she's like, Oh, yeah, we do. So no test or test anyway, Saturday, we woke up, that was the day we woke up feeling absolutely awful. But we're like, let's just assume we have COVID, we'll test on Monday, because Monday is when the nanny comes back. And we'll test on Monday. And if we're positive, then the nanny shouldn't come. But if we're negative, basically running that clock

as long as we can so we can get that negative test so the nanny can come because we've been through the wringer. Now we're, because Saturday morning, I felt worse than I have in like years. Yeah, just physically, let alone emotionally. Yeah, completely emotionally drained. At one point I was folding laundry and I had to lie down on the hardwood floor. I was so achy and tired. And Gemma, she's just like, by Saturday, full recovery. She want to go to get coffee. I want to go to the zoo. Yeah, like she wants,

she just talking nonstop, wants to play with all of her toys, wants to go up and down the stairs in the house and I'm dead. So how did you rally from that? Jill and I basically took, we took turns doing 20 minutes of parenting while the other person lied down. And then, you know, when somebody was too weak to go on, the other person would tap in. Jesus. And then Monday morning, we took tests and still had COVID. So the nanny didn't come in. We had one more.

One more day to rule them all. Push to the finish line. And then Tuesday, we felt fine. The test was negative. And now Wednesday, we're recording this. Yeah, it's Wednesday. And yeah, I went to the gym this morning, feel good. Or went on a bike ride this morning.

Listen, life is hard, but you can, you can absolutely, if you can recover from that, like the, look how resilient we are. It hasn't even been a week. Yeah. And your body's already over it. You've already moved on. Yeah, the sickness was nothing.

Like I would have taken this deal a million times to get out of the hospital. That was really all that I cared about. Correct. So yeah, me being sick, that was like a foregone conclusion. Because that's just you. Yeah, I was thinking about the last time I got COVID, which I believe was during the World Cup in 2021,

the delayed World Cup in 2021 maybe. I think it was, wait, no wait, when was the World Cup? It was, yeah, they delayed it and it was, or no, it was in 2022. Yeah, it's 2022, right? No idea. Anyway, I slept in our guest room and I watched the World Cup for like five straight days and it was awesome. That was great. But then I was miserable. I was like, oh, I slept in our guest room and I watched the World Cup for like five straight days

and it was awesome. That was great. But then I was miserable. I was like, I'm so bored. I'm like, I'm so achy. I just want to not have COVID, but I didn't realize that how bad it could be. You have it and have a job still.

Yeah, and somebody else, a two-year-old also had it. Yeah, right. When you have COVID as a non-parent, you're like, I'm sick, but at least it also had it. Yeah. When you have COVID as a non-parent, you're like, I'm sick, but at least it's just me. Yeah. I'm adult enough to understand the consequences. Totally. And when a family has COVID,

when you have mom, dad, daughter, none of the people that usually help you, like grandparents, Jill's dad was in town, but all they could do is drop off food. Nanny, we're like, we don't wanna get you sick. So you're just completely on your own. You're in an island. Yeah, I know, but you can't see anybody.

You can't even like do some of the distracting things like go to the library or whatever. You're just like in your house and yeah, living. Sounds awesome though. No, it was great. I think I texted you, I was like, this is the one time I would recommend not having a kid. Yeah, when it's mostly suffering and sadness.

Yeah, the stress and the sorrow. I was just so scared. I was like, wow, I can kind of see it not being worth it. Because if you don't have a kid, you don't really have this level of like anxiety around someone's health. It's like a lesser extent with a dog. When the dog is sick or on death's door and then I see you,

you're like, yeah, I guess it would be nice to just not have to worry. Like I have friends that don't have dogs, they come home and they're like, well, what should we do? Right. Like that's awesome. You don't suffer thinking about someone else's fate. How amazing is that? If you just limit all your responsibility and love,

die alone, but ultimately worry a lot less, that's not that terrible. Don't let love in, it can only hurt you. Yeah, and then when you're suffering, that's fine, because you're not sort of making anybody else sad about it. Yeah, but also now that it's over, I think this was the first, I mean, I've been like a lot of times or thought that I was proud as a dad,

but this was like... I feel like I've been impressed by Gemma hitting milestones or whatever, talking, walking for the first time, things that I'm like, oh my God, I'm so proud of you, going down the slide by herself. But this is the first time I saw her do something that was like so hard, like hard for adults, hard for anybody to like be in the hospital. She like did something that was insanely hard and uh and like I don't know like straight up impressed me. So I was like this now I'm back on everyone should have kids. The I feel a level of pride. The lows are low but the highs are higher. Yeah, I feel proud.

It's a very interesting feeling. Wait till she starts playing the fucking piano. Yeah. Or does one of those shitty kindergarten plays you're like, that's my fucking kid, look she's singing. I'm proud. That's hard. You learned the steps.

Bingo. All right, I'll take your kid at this point. That way, that's awesome. The hard part sort of done ish and I can deal with like age two to four. Have we done a podcast since you acquired another kid? Oh, the dog, the second dog? Yeah. No, last week was the first podcast since we got a second dog. Wow. Yeah. Wow. So let's talk about that.

Also really high highs and low lows. Like suddenly you're dealing with another dog that could have diarrhea. But then sometimes they interact with each other and it's very sweet. Like they're sleeping next to each other and that's cute. So in a way I do understand what you're talking about as a father of two furry babies versus you.

Now imagine them searching for a very tiny vein in Phoebe's hand. Yeah. So they can put an IV in. Well that's the good part of having a dog versus the baby is like, all right, we dropped them off at the vet. Now we're going home and let us know

if they make it out all right. I'm not gonna stay in a room and sleep with them. You have to be there. Wait, so tell us about Phoebe. She is a Maltese, a Kawapu, a Shih Tzu. She's a small furry, curly haired white lady. Sort of a, kind of like your parents dog a little bit. Yeah, a little bit like a Westie.

So she's how old? She's two. Excuse me, I know it's rude to ask. Yeah, she's two. Taken young, excuse me, I know it's rude to ask. Yeah, she's two. We stole her from the shelter, we didn't even ask. We just sort of broke her out because Zafita was working there. Yeah, and just smuggled her home.

Yeah, it was a long con. Her hearing is a lot more sensitive than Luke's because Luke is nearly 14 at this point, kind of deaf. So I come home, Phoebe's going crazy, Luke's still fast asleep. So it's nice to have a new dog energy with the old dog energy. So she loves seeing you.

Yeah, she's back, she's in, she's very comfortable, sleeps on her back, very, trusts us, has her own personality separate from the other dog. What's her personality? She's much more playful, but then also doesn't sleep in our bed. She like goes to the couch and sleeps in the living room, which is something Luke would never do. Wow. She has boundaries. Boundaries. Really healthy.

And bounding. She plays and runs really fast and like spins around when she's excited. Wow. Does she bark like Luke? She only barks when he barks. That's interesting. So he's sort of rubbing off on She only barks when he barks. Oh, that's interesting. So he's sort of rubbing off on her in a nasty way. He's a bad influence. Yeah, that's really funny. It's a very like older brother, younger sister thing.

Like he barks and then she's like, yeah. I'll show you how to do it. So if you hear anything, see anything, but he's deaf so he doesn't really hear much anyway. Right, so that's really funny. Does she like you or Avi Talmor? I think she likes Avi Talmor, which is kind of a switch from the first dog who prefers me at this point. Wow.

So the ladies are together and the boys are together. Do you walk them at the same time? Sometimes yes, and that's the hardest part because they're like going in different directions, pooping at different times. Yeah. It's hard to wrangle pooping at different times. Yeah. It's hard to wrangle too, at the same time. Yeah. Do they get daily long walks or are you more like some days or you know what? It's going to be a backyard day. Uh, long walks, but long walks for us is like 20 to 30 minutes.

We're not going for like a four mile hike. Right, right, right. All right. Good stuff. Keep you posted. Thanks, man. Uh, all right, let's take a break, come back and let's fucking do a segment for once. Oh, right. All right. Good stuff. Keep you posted. Thanks, man. Uh, all right, let's take a break, come back and let's fucking do a segment for once. Oh, right.

It's been weeks. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah, BetterHelp. We were just talking about it. Life can be stressful. Oh yeah. Life can have anxiety. Right.

And the best way to navigate through those stresses through those anxieties is by speaking to a professionally licensed therapist. And the best way to do that is with better help. Hell yes. I've benefited from therapy, talking to somebody smarter than myself and allowing them to help me navigate through this difficult situation that I found myself in and whether or not you've been in therapy personally, uh, you can check out better help and see how well it works for you.

Boom, baby. They have 35,000 therapists. It's the world's largest online therapy and it works. It's got an app store rating of 4.9 out of five based on 1.7 million client reviews. Hello. And you can completely avoid the in-person waiting room awkwardness.

You can do it all from the comfort of your own home. It's convenient. You can join a session with a therapist by the click of a button, and you can switch therapists at any time. Okay. So talk it out. With BetterHelp, our listeners get 10% off

their first month at betterhelp.com slash segments segments. That's better help. H e l p dot com slash segments segments. Thank you. Better help. Thanks. All right, we're back. It's time for another classic game.

Oh yeah. another classic game that I created called Candle or Nah, which is sort of a homage to the Headgun podcast where Jeffrey likes to show us pictures of stuff and we have to do if it's that thing or not. I'm gonna give you a list of Yankee candle scents, scents of candles from the Yankee candle company. And you have to tell me if that's a real scent or one I made up to trip you.

Cool, did you think of this because I've been on my candle kick? Yes, I noticed that, or you told us a few episodes back that you've been lighting candles and extinguishing them every night. Yeah, I am still loving my candles. Okay, that's good. Do you get scented ones from Yankee Candle

or you get unscented? No, because I have too many. It would be overpowering if they were scented. So I go scentless, beeswax. Senseless. These are scented candles. For example, Williamsburg Pineapple. Is that a real scent that you can purchase

on yankeecandle.com or one? I made up, I should say if you get a perfect score, I'll give you $11,000 Venmo. It's way better, you'd have to do that over a few days because you have that $3,500 limit. Yeah, I would do three sums. Depends on how much money you move, I think. You won't get them all correct.

Like for example, you might even get this one wrong right off the bat. Williamsburg pineapple. Yeah, it feels like I, I'll just go with my gut and say false. Yeah, it's real. So don't worry about the 11K. Yeah, why don't we start now?

We'll call that a warmup round. Yeah. Okay, we'll start now. Ready? Yeah. Pink cocaine. Pink cocaine. Pink cocaine. That's got it.

Yankee candles way too wholesome. False. Correct. Did you know that's a real drug though? Um, no. I just found out about it because some football player was accused of distributing it. Interesting. Wonder what that...

Pink cocaine, also known as Tussie or Tusi, T-U-C-I is a synthetic illicit mixture that's typically dyed pink. And despite its name, it rarely contains cocaine. Huh. Okay. Yeah. It's a ketamine, a little bit of MDMA, a stimulant, a hallucinogenic. So it's a bunch of smells amazing.

Yeah. It smells like bubblegum probably. But we'll never know because that was a fake candle scent. Pink cocaine. How about this one? Try this one on for size. Belgian waffle. Belgian waffle, that, I guess it's boring enough

that it seems like maybe they didn't have it and you are You're saying it to try to trick me because it sounds like Yankee candle Belgian waffle like you but then also does anybody really want their house to smell like Belgian waffles if they're not cooking them I think that wouldn't be that much of a scent that you want in your house. I'll say false. It is true. It is real. It's an actual flavor of candle Belgian waffle. Okay. Okay. So far you are one for three. And the one that you got right was really obvious.

Yeah. Let's, let's see if I can save it. I can go to. I can go 50% with my next guess. Yeast infection. So yeast infection is interesting because it would have like kind of a rye scent. Yes, W-R-Y or R-I-E. Both actually, yeah, rye. It's subtle, it's rye, it's a rye rye. Yeast infections, are those only in vaginas?

I don't believe so. I think you can have yeast anywhere on your body. That's interesting. It's just often in that area. Yeah, due to moisture issues, according to the description that I'm reading. And on yankee candle.com? Maybe or maybe WebMD. Yeah, I think I'll call that false. Clean cotton.

Clean cotton, that's, ooh, that seems, oh, well, you know what? It seems like one, for sure it seems like one, but it seems like one you would put right after yeast infection to try to dupe me. I'm done playing the candle game. I'm playing the Amir mind game now. That's you trying to trick my ass. False. That one's real. Okay. Yeah. You were right about the yeast infection though. Yeah I know. That one was not real. Right. Yeah. Clean cotton. I mean that would be a great candle. That would be a great candle. Exactly. Yeah, for sure. I can see that.

Vanilla cupcake. Vanilla cum. Vanilla cupcake. Vanilla cupcake. Every bone in my body is telling me it's fake, which is why I'll say real. It's real. Nice. Gotta go against my gut. It's actually a spray scent, but I'll allow it. It is real. Nice, gotta go against my gut. It's actually a spray scent, but I'll allow it. It is real, it is a real scent that they sell.

Okay. Balsam and cedar. Mm, I don't think you would know the word balsam. So I'm gonna say it's real. It's real. Good. Absolutely savage. I'm actually, and now I'm back into a winning record.

How about that? May 1st. I love that. It's poetic. There's so much meaning in Bud. It is the end of the April showers, the first bloom of the spring and explosion of scents. I would say real, but it's almost too, it's too cryptic and

it's lyrically stunning. It had to come from the man who wrote ha-oon or ends well yet. It's false. Correct! I made up May 1st. It's gorgeous. I love it. Old car. Old car. That one feels like it's a comforting scent. I don't think Yankee Candle is subversive enough to sell it. That feels like a Yankee Candle disruptor.

Like, oh, how about I make a candle company full of scents that are actually comforting. Not Williamsburg pineapple. Yeah, exactly. Like, your uncle's tool shed. Yeah, wet rubber. Yeah, sense of the summer. So like, I think it's false, but I like the vibe.

False is correct. I'm obviously running away with this. New car. True. Also car. True. Also fake. You stopped playing the game. I set you up and you didn't knock it down. I honestly knew that it was fake.

It had to be. I really did. It almost felt like you had to say it real because of the cadence of the conversation. Exactly, yeah. I was just playing along. I was playing my part. Chocolate ash. Some stay dry and others feel the rash.

Chocolate ash. Chocolate ash. And this one is worth double. I want it to be false. False. Correct. False. I should say you can play at home.

Yeah. So, think about what the answer would be. Pink cocaine. Mortar and pestle. Mortal and pestle. Mortar, wait, mortal? Mortar and pestle. It's like, I could see that being a Yankee Cand scent, but there's not a scent a set like mortar and

Pestle is something you use to grind out like clay or something like yeah So there would be a scent of whatever you put in there, but if it's just the actual tool What would it smell like? Rock? Play-doh False Correct Fuck my ass honey B T

that's real as hell Yankee Candle are you kidding me honey B T honey B T yeah Honey B-T. Yeah, true. Correct. B-L-T. Sounds delicious, false. Correct. Pistachio latte. True. Correct. Podcast studio.

Ooh, what would that smell like? LaCroix and farts. That's funny. Yeah. B.O. and shameless plugs. That's good. I think maybe it's true actually. B.O. and LaC Croix could be a thing.

Yeah, false for sure. False, and lastly, this one's worth double. Jessica Alba. Ooh, it feels like she would do a collab. Yankee Candle collab. But would they allow her to just do her own, like this set, I guess it feels like maybe out of context, it sounds like this candle just smells like Jessica Alba.

But if it's on the website, I imagine it's like, this is Jessica Alba's collab with Yankee Candle, which kind of tracks for me, true. False, I made that up. I thought it would be a good celebrity endorsement and I got you to take the bait. That's not an actual person. Jessica Alba, I made that name up. She's not an actual person. Oh, is it? No way. Oh, yeah. She's an actor, I think. Yeah. Yeah, but that's not a real scent. Sorry. I got carried away. You did get carried away.

Got incredibly carried away. You really jumped down my throat. I've never seen you like that. Jessica Alba is fake. Pretty good. You did pretty good. Pretty good. You didn't do great, but you got the big ones. I should have nailed the Alba one. Yeah.

Yeah. Should have got Alba. You got yeast infection. You got old car. You didn't get new car. Yeah, but I kind of did get new car. I was just kind of like caught up in the moment. Your best...

If this was a written test, I would have gone back and changed that. You would have gotten a C. You would have passed, but it wouldn't have been good. Your best real answer was getting fake on chocolate ash. You sniffed that out. That's really good. And for you to be so certain about honeybee tea, that was. I locked that in. That was special. Yeah.

That was really special. I think people listening at home, especially if they did play along, they would see, wow, Jake is a cut above the rest. Yeah. Anybody's gonna sniff out pink cocaine, but it takes a certain type of man to sniff out chocolate ash.

Bonus round. Really? Coconut and pear. True. False, that's just the flavor of my chapstick. I should have known it was false because you wouldn't know. Let's actually, let's actually go to break.

Okay. Let's actually go to break. Yeah. Yeah. break. Okay. Let's actually go to break. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

We are back. Let's go ahead and do a quick little lightning round of Ask Reddit where we run through some questions that are out there in the ether and we give our answers. Okay. Okay. Okay. So not specifically for us, but ones that we can answer with, uh, confidence. Okay. What is a harmless habit that actually makes someone insufferable once you notice it? Vaping. I mean, that's kind of not a harmless habit. It is if it's just vapor. I see.

I think laughing after you finished talking. Huh. Yeah, I guess that's harmless, but I don't think that's insufferable. Once you notice it, you, I, there was some, was that a party one time where I was like, noticing that every time this person finished their sentence, they would kind of chuckle. I think it was maybe like a nervous habit or something. But once I noticed it, I was like, I couldn't stop realizing that it was happening. You do that.

Do I? Oh, here's a good one. What's something a woman can say to a man during sex that's a real turn on? If you're having sex, everything's a real turn on. There's nothing to say or do. Don't be shy. It's all good. What's something that turned you on?

Anything. That someone said to you during sex. I guess if they're enjoying themselves in a selfless act, that's a real turn on. Oh, whoa, that's hot. That's totally true. Enjoying themselves in a selfless act. You're frantically typing that into Reddit. Oh yeah.

That'll give me the upvotes. That is, I feel like that's the horniest thing I've ever heard you say. I've never ever. It was so clinical. Yeah, it was really scientific and quick. It was quick, but if you really pause and you think about what you said, it's such a window. I have to go to the bathroom. I was gonna say like, you're hot daddy.

But that's actually much better. No, daddy stuff. I've never liked daddy stuff. Never, ever, never, ever. Even before you were one. Crass. Yeah, exactly. It's just not for me. Now ever. Never ever. Even before you were one. It's crass. Yeah, exactly. It's just not for me. Now don't be so. Yeah, and I would answer this question, but it's a little too personal. I don't know why you were willing to go there. It's really messed up. What's a food

you loved as a kid that tastes awful now? Corn. That's also pretty hot. Imagine eating corn and enjoying it. That's so selfless. So selfless and fucking hot. Food, I guess candies and stuff. Like I would eat Airheads and I probably wouldn't want that now. Too sweet.

Over my teeth. Yeah, it's too sweet. I also remember really like thinking that I love Chef Boyardee and I bet if I ate it now, I would think it was just watery tomato juice and overcooked noodles. Yeah, I used to get a lot of TV dinners when I got home.

I bet those aren't too great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, me too. Microwavable like fried chicken. Yeah, I would do like sheet pan chicken nuggets a lot as a kid. Actually, I think those probably are still fucking awesome. That I think about it, I'm pretty hungry. Okay, what's a small thing that instantly ruins your mood?

The laughter thing, I can't get over it. Ru It ruins the mood. Oh is this another sexual thing? No it is ruins your mood. Got it. A small thing ruins my mood. I get really annoyed when I like bang something like if I sometimes I'll be like I don't, I'll bang my knuckle against a door or something. And I get, loud noises really make me upset these days. Something that's too like jarring and loud. I'm like, oh God, it's so fucking annoying. And then especially if I, yeah, when the dog barks, it depends, because sometimes he barks

and it's just like a light alert, like somebody went in the door downstairs. But like if somebody actually comes to the door and rings the doorbell, he howls like he's being murdered. And that does kind of annoy me, but it depends. Like it annoys me way more when Gemma's like sleeping. Right, because then it's like, you idiot. You didn't have to do that.

And now there's a baby sleeping and I have to deal with it. Yeah, no, I think more than anything, I get really annoyed when I like stub my toe or bang my finger. Yeah, I'm wondering. I don't know what ruins my mood. I don't like it when it's cloudy out. Really?

But that's not really, yeah, that's sort of, not a small thing. Maybe it's small in the grand scheme of things. I think it's small in the grand scheme of things. You don't like it when it's cloudy out. You need it to be sunny. I mean, you're in LA, it's small in the grand scheme of things. I think it's small in the grand scheme of things. You don't like it when it's cloudy out. You need it to be sunny. I mean, you're in LA, it's sunny 90%. I don't need it to be sunny,

but it's hard for me to have a great day if it's cloudy and cold. But you're miserable. I'm not miserable. You're putting words in my mouth. You're absolutely putting words in my mouth. You were too horned up by one answer and too defensive and mad about another. What makes a nude unforgettable?

A nude? A nude. Yeah, you read that right. Are all these kind of sexy? I think that's usually, I imagine that's what makes some of them get to the top because people are kind of horny up. Yeah, I'm thinking about a nude. I mean, again, these are all very exciting things. I don't know what makes a nude particularly.

You're suddenly given the power to make one food item zero calories. I mean again, these are all very exciting things. I don't know what makes a nude Suddenly given the power to make one food item zero calories, but still delicious. What are you picking? So the least healthy thing I enjoy probably orange chicken Interesting, but how often are you really I feel you how often you eating orange chicken? I'm not because it's really bad for you. It's fried chicken dipped in sugar sauce. So I make that zero calorie and then I can have it every fucking day with zero regard for my weight and my heart.

Yeah, I think I might do something that I eat every day anyway. Like I eat probably four or five croissants a week. Oh, I see. That's a lot. You're in your croissant era. I've been in my croissant era for 20 years. So I think if I made croissants good for me,

that would be, that'd probably be the biggest like uptick in my wellbeing. Yeah, think of it as like a buttery pill that's actually good for you now. Yeah, exactly. You might even eat five to seven a week. Yeah, I mean I should up it. What do you do, maybe this can be the last one, okay, what do you do to help you fall asleep? I think I've said this before in the pod. I usually try to go to a specific setting or memory. So like a drive I took from college back to home after the semester

ends. Like a specific like time and place that I can set to or like PE class in sixth grade or like a date that I went on when I was 28. And it's like I start to think and visualize and think about this like comfortable place and then before I know it, I'm falling asleep. Wow. So you, do you do a new one every single time or you kind of like go back to that college drive old trusty? I answered the Reddit question. I have no patience for these followups.

I need to end this podcast so I can jack off quickly. to end this podcast so I can jack off quickly. The selfless thing was bar none the hottest thing of all time. I need that post-nut clarity because right now my brain is just a mess. It is a jumble. It is swirling with demons and I need to spill my seed

on the floor so I can focus. You have poisoned my mind's eye. My libido is guiding me to the point where I can't see or think clearly. And me, I don't really, I don't think I do anything to fall asleep. I just don't have problems. I just fall asleep, yeah, I think I'm just tired fall asleep. I just don't have problems. I just fall asleep.

Yeah, I think I'm just tired. Are you waking up earlier these days because of baby time? Yeah, I wake up between six, 15 and seven. Got it. And in the winter, it's still dark out then. Yeah, yeah. So that's the hard part.

You wake up and it's still dark. That way you're, do you find yourself really tired at like two to four p.m. or can you usually push through and you're not tired until like 10 p.m. when it's time to go to bed? Yeah, I can usually push through. I don't get that tired in the afternoon.

As long as I don't eat, if I eat a really big lunch, then I can get tired. But I don't do that too much. Do you ever nap? And then I'm usually, no. I've napped when I was sick. We took the same nap as Gemma. Jill and I both slept for like an hour

in the middle of the day. Yeah. But I don't nap. You're not a napper. No, I get seven or eight hours of sleep. Or eight, yeah, I get like eight hours of sleep every single night pretty much. But you go to bed a little early, like 10.

Yeah, I try to be, TV's off by 10. I'm like brushing my teeth 10, 15, in bed. I look at the Tottenham Reddit, 10, 25, 10, 30-ish, I'm out. Cheeky fab. Yeah, cheeky fab. And selflessly enjoying yourself. I fucking love that, you perv. So sexy.

Squeezing it out while fucking refreshing the new posts on the hot spurs Reddit. Now that's hot. Holy shit. We qualify for the champions league. Damn right we did. Ooh, ooh, ooh. All right, good stuff everybody.

Very good stuff. The highs and lows. We talked about it all. We sure did. We sure did. From an ER visit to a yeast infection scented candle. There's nothing we can't discuss on this year's segments pod. Nyer.

But for more of us, we're on Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. That's right. Still clawing, macheting our way through the dense jungle of Jake and Amir videos that we have or haven't watched yet. Yeah, so join us. There are many, many episodes now. Big old backlog for you to enjoy. And many, many more to go.

And of course, we'll be back here next week. Yes. Bye, everybody. That was a HGum original. Hi, I'm Rachel Billson. And I'm Olivia Allen. And we host the podcast. Broad Ideas.

Yes, that's now on HeadGum. On our show we chat with people like Brittany Snow, Lucy Hale, Kristen Bell, Margaret Cho, Jake Johnson, and so much more. And we talk about all the things you would talk about with your best friend. Like your periods. And mental illness. And the food you ate for lunch.

Most importantly. Listen to broad ideas on Spotify, Apple podcasts, YouTube, or wherever you listen to your podcasts.