If I Were You - 83: Meredith

Episode Date: June 16, 2014

In this episode we discuss shaving, dying, and orgasms. While singing.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com! The best, easiest, simplest way to make a professional looking website.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Music I want you, I want you I want you, I want you What sort of terrible crime took place that they had to seize the thieves? That's what's a man love, Brett You don't want to just be a candy-coated peanut Yeah, well, toadah Toadah, indeed

You gotta earn this movie I get away with everything Because nothing bad ever happened to Jake Kerwin's song I want you, I want you Brett Fields, everyone Brett Fields Brett Fields, ladies and gentlemen That was acapella, which means he did all the music with his mouth and the singing with his anus

What? Yeah Hot I guess he was able to shape his anus in a way that sang words whilst he farted Crazy Insane I love it I think liking acapella is one of the more embarrassing opinions that I have

You really love acapella Yeah, it's funny and it's fun and it's entertaining and I like the way it sounds That's, I can't make fun of you because that was so sweet It's funny and it's fun and it's entertaining and I like the way it sounds Yeah I like the way you are Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the interweb I'm Amir

What? Oh shit, I was still early Hosted by us I'm Amir What? There it is Perfect And I'm Jake

Just to confuse the people who are tuning in for the first time They'll never get it again Did I already said it was Brett Fields? Brett Fields, of course Of course Singing with his anus As always As always

So how does this show work? Good question We get emails from people that are seeking advice and we try to answer those emails Holy shit So succinct What just happened? What did we use to say? What needs to be said?

It's different now The email address is If I Were You Show at gmail.com Let's get started Oh, we also open it Come on, dick We were there Stream songs, yeah We'll do that at the end

We'll call for them at the end Alright, alright, alright Alright First one We're getting right into it Yeah We were getting right into it You ruined it

Finally Hey guys Oh wait, who's this email from? Oh Oh, of course, we all know This gentleman from this famous This one is from Ringo Ringo writes

Hey guys, love the show Nice Shit So I went to my senior prom a few days ago with my girlfriend of two months At the dinner before the prom she was very passive and wouldn't really talk At the prom she ditched me to go talk to her friends for three hours When I asked if she wanted to dance she said not right now After the prom she went back to her friend's house without me

So here's my question Should I break up with her? I spent over $300 on this whole prom deal She's been really different and weird recently I'm fully willing to drop her like a hot potato And if I should break up with her Then how should I do it? Love Ringo

He should break up with her, right? Well, she did go to prom with him But then wouldn't talk to him Wouldn't dance with him And wouldn't leave with him Right I think at the very least you guys could have a discussion about what happened What the fuck went down

It's so weird when people like email relationship questions that are so like What is the relationship that you feel like you can't say Hey, why are you being like this to me? Imagine if you woke up one day And you had a significant other where you spoke to her She wouldn't respond Then she went to a dance with you Wouldn't talk to you

Wouldn't dance with you and left without you I would be so heartbrokenly confused But like you would Wouldn't you say something? She's like, what should I do? Fucking talk to her What's going on right now? What are you just waiting for our response?

Tell her what happened was bad Tell her That's the other thing He spent money Like you should Maybe she doesn't realize that I think you could have a little conversation about that Like hey look

It's not just my feelings I actually invested cash in this whole thing Right So you know I bought you a corsage And then you stomped on my heart I paid your share of the limo And you left with your friends And you know

I bought your ticket in your meal And you wouldn't eat or sit with me I don't think that's fair I don't think that's right I don't think we should be going out Not that she owes him anything sexually That's right of course Of course

But she does own a friendly attitude Well they're in a committed loving relationship She owes him an explanation If she's gonna split Yeah I wonder what he thought when that happens I was like oh that's weird She's not dancing with me

And now she's leaving without me I feel a fool What should I do How should I break up with her How do I play Like yeah there's no specific way You have to break up with her No one's saying you have to break up with her

It sounds like your relationship is Not existed Yeah But I think you have to at least Communicate when you're feeling When you're feeling down in the dumps Yeah Especially when it's due to

Something that She made you feel by ignoring you at prom Well this is a high schooler so it's like The reason it sounds so weird to us Is because if this is your first relationship You don't know how things work Is this normal How does one break up

Why does one break up That's true you're feeling each other out Yeah You're learning You're feeling each other up You should just have a discussion with her That's how it all works You say I feel this way

Yeah Not because of any You don't want to project feelings on her You don't want to be like I feel this way because you're being a bitch But you would say What I perceived to happen at prom Was that I felt ignored

I felt slighted I felt that you were pushing me away It makes me feel lonely, small, sad and To be honest a little coy You always feel coy I often feel coy And then she may say Well the reason I was pushing you away

Is because Yeah You know a million reasons But the important thing is to not enter Any discussion with an expectation Of how she's supposed to make you feel Or an expectation Of what's going to be the outcome

All you can do is communicate your feelings Honestly and openly And to be honest coyly Curly and coyly If he should break up with her Then how should he do it Well I think that the conversation may lead to breaking up Because I felt this way and she says

I don't care how you feel Maybe you say Okay well I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care how I feel Yeah you always want to be with someone that cares how you feel That's like one of the basic ones That's like one of the first things to build the relationship on That might be the only one that really really matters

And also like Sex should be dope And also if the person's hot So I guess the three pillars are if the person's hot If you connect sexually Yeah if the sex is dope And then also like if they care about how you feel Right

Those three in itself can last you a year or two even At that point Two years of the lifetime buddy Yeah Trust us And then once you get past that point Then you can discuss other things like values And how to raise a family

And stuff like inconsequential shit like that Remember our idea The idea of this episode of singing a song about every question Once we're done answering that Yeah yeah Do you still want to do that Yeah So we had the idea of

It's either terrible or good We're about to find out But after every answer that we give this episode We'll improvise a song about it Okay Should we improvise like the situation Like basically make a song out of the question Or make a song out of the answer

Oh interesting What were you thinking I guess I was going to just start with the premise of the question And then like go from there Okay Alright That was all I had gotten Are we both going to sing or are you going to play an I'm going to sing

Um Well let's why don't we let's both let's we'll both sing Okay But you can all let you start the song Okay Do I would just like I need a little bit of direction in terms of Do you want it to be sort of like

You know what I'm just going to fill this out Alright here we go This song is by Ringo and it's called Hey what happened at prom Hey Meredith What happened at prom I thought it was wrong

You left me high and dry Oh Meredith Ah you did me wrong All I want to do is talk to you You didn't have to touch my dog Meredith Oh Meredith How do I break up with you

Meredith is actually really terrible It's easy All I have to do Is communicate with you And tell you that you don't Respect my feelings on my space Or how I talk to you You ditched me

What the hell is wrong with you Meredith I'm seventeen And I don't get how shit works or means I can't understand what you mean to me So Meredith Understand that I should say goodbye You couldn't have chosen a better name than Meredith

It's really hard to rhyme stuff with Meredith Yeah for some people Fine so Meredith I'll give that one a B minus Not a complete fail It sounded sort of like a Dave Matthews song Yeah that's kind of my inspiration Well luckily we have three more to get through

Cool Alright This one is from somebody This email is from somebody we'll call George George writes Hey guys one of my coworkers recently has gone sick

Hospitalized with heart issues Breathing tube The whole shebang He's only 45 or 50 But he's a large dude So that could be the cause of the problems Since he's gone I've inherited most of his work to complete

As we don't know how long he'll be in the hospital for Or if this could even lead to him dying My issue is his work is totally fucked up I'm sitting here trying to make sense of everything He had done before he left And I'm noticing errors and mistakes Left and right My first instinct is to tell him what he's doing wrong

I've compiled a list of all the things That I want to correct him on But the further down I get on the list The more I think about how inappropriate it might be To ask him to go to him about these issues The first day he's back from the hospital And tell him that I had to go and redo Most of the things he had done

I feel bad for this guy And I obviously hope he gets better and whatnot But does he get exempt from learning from his mistakes Because of what he's going through I'm not sure if I should correct this dude or not Love George Fuck you George Why?

Fuck George Why? I'm thinking how inappropriate it might be How inappropriate it is No It is inappropriate to visit a dying guy in the hospital And tell him he's doing his work wrong No he's not gonna visit him

He's gonna wait till he's back the first day No, he said how inappropriate it might be To go to him the first day he's back from the hospital And tell him to go and redo most of the things he had done Sorry First day back Excuse me He's not gonna barge into his hospital room

That's what I was thinking That's what I was thinking Okay, let's say this guy's back from the hospital Then is it okay? I don't know You don't have to be doing it the first day I don't know I think there's probably a more polite way to play this

Oh Meredith Oh Meredith I think yeah, you keep a You maybe don't hand him a list of all the mistakes he's made But do what you can do It's your job now to handle his work So fix it Because that's your job

And when he gets back you could say Hey, I wanna talk to you about The way you do this It's not necessarily right But also if it hasn't affected you up until this point I don't know I don't know what it's like to have a real job What's paperwork?

What's wrong? It's like the graphs and the charts are Weird The slides that you put on What's that thing? The projector You put a transparent slide And it goes on the board

The reports are in error Yeah There's no cover sheet or something? Yeah I don't know I don't have real work to do I talk I do a podcast

Amir puts the words on the internet And you hear it And I hear it And that's all I do Is that what you did wrong? Or did he do that incorrectly? It doesn't make any sense Everyone has a podcast, right?

George? Here's what I would do Maybe not the right thing to do But since this show is called If I Were You If I Were You, I would Talk to your boss about it Then you never have to communicate with the sick guy That's the correct answer

But it's not really nice Because it's like telling on him Yeah The good thing The nice thing to do would be to Just fix the mistakes for this guy And not get him in trouble But what I would do

Is just tell his boss In theory, you guys have the same boss If you're doing the same work It all depends, I guess You just have to like That's the answer to every question in the world It all depends, I guess Alright, pick up that guitar

It all depends, I guess This podcast just devolves into us singing songs It's not called If I Were You anymore It's called It All Depends, I guess We just read a question and go It all depends, I guess Alright, now we gotta play that song 45 minutes

Meredith Yeah, like Don't get him in trouble Maybe you could like do this work And then when he gets back You tell the boss like Oh, I noticed like some of these were erroneous Maybe you could communicate

The better way to do this going forward But I don't think he gets exempt Because his heart's bad Well, yeah, it sounds like he doesn't know How to live his life healthily Or do his work properly Maybe you should be dead Oh, Meredith

Maybe you should be dead If you're too fat Stay care of yourself Maybe you should be dead If you're too stupid To get your work done Then maybe you should be dead Maybe you should be named Ted

But you're not, your name is Meredith Everybody's name is Meredith In my song Oh, Meredith Oh, Meredith Get your shit together Make sure that it's in order So other people don't have to help you out

Don't need to scream and shout I'm not gonna pout When you pass away Because today We're gonna have to hire someone else To fix your mistakes Oh, Meredith Worse than the first one

You think so? I know, Staunt Do we have anything left to tell this guy? No, I think it depends, I guess Yeah, it depends, I guess I say tell your boss That way you don't have to deal with it And I say try a little harder to read the situation

I think it's all relative And it kind of depends I need to know some more factors You're drinking arsenic right now That's fair Alright, third question John? Have we used? No

John writes But John was in a beetle We did George at Ringo John Lennon Oh You only know two of them I only know the two famous ones, I guess I wouldn't call George the famous one

Yeah The three famous beetles Alright, sure, here we go Three beetles Ready? There are three beetles John, George and Ringo Ringo star

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If I were you To save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Here's my situation My ex-girlfriend and her friend Let's call her M We're talking about their sex lives And they reach the topic of orgasms

M told my ex That she never had an orgasm And asked if she would find someone to give her one My ex asked me If I would have sex with a friend Because she knows I would give her an orgasm My ex and I ended on pretty bad terms And although we get along okay now

I still have a layer of hatred towards her For lack of a better term So I guess what I'm asking is What do I do? Is it acceptable for me to have sex With my ex's friend Based on her recommendation Even though I don't really like my ex

Her friend is a 9 out of 10 If that changes anything Thanks in advance Love, John So if you hated your ex And she asked you to have sex with her friend Would you? I think one of the big factors here

Is does the friend want to? Yeah Why isn't she coming to you? Because she doesn't know this guy She asked her friend to get a guy for her That would give her an orgasm Okay And she's like

Oh my ex would give you an orgasm Well ladies You don't need a guy to give you an orgasm You should buy a rabbit If that's curious I would say get a vibrator And hold it against your clitoris And you may discover you can have an orgasm

Without needing to go to Your friend's ex boyfriend That's all I'll say What? Secondly, huh? Secondly why Is I don't under... Okay

I think if you hate your ex Yeah You wouldn't want to be doing her any favors Even if you want to leave her You want to leave that circle Yeah You want to remove yourself from that situation And engaging in sexual acts

At her behest Thrusts you right back into The whirlwind of that relationship And complicates your life Thusly So Ergo Therefore

Here to art thou I would say Kugito ergo some No Do not do that Even if it means boning A 9 out of 10 Baby

Uhh Yes This is your first time I've ever heard You give advice Anti-sex I think Advice Anti

I always give advice anti-x Pro-sex anti-x Anti-x trumps all sex Really? Yes Anti-x trumps all sex I don't think you should ever be fucking your exes I feel like I've said that before

I think I'll go on record saying it now But Oh wait but this isn't This isn't sleeping with an ex It's too close to it It's sex involving the ex And I think that's a That's

Next What? Next question Well I think Pro-sex anti-x Is a good name Of a song I'm pro-sex

But anti-x To you I say next Don't give me that hex I don't wanna be vexed Pro-sex But anti-x So don't give me that hex I swear I don't need that vex

So I want to say to you Find someone else to fuck that Jew Is she Jewish? I assume she was Cause I named her M-O-H Which sounded because Oh I'm pro-sex I'm pro-sex but anti-x

So Give me that Sex Toadah everybody I thought this song was gonna be an instrumental But you came in and it was good What? An instrumental? Yeah I feel like sometimes the question

Begs for an instrumental An instrumental ballad An instrumental ballad indeed I can barely hear your guitar How would that be instrumental? It would be kinda quiet, kinda cool Kinda chill, kinda laxin A little bit coy

It's always coy with you What I would do in this situation Is also Not do it Because I'd be afraid to Sleep with someone who didn't necessarily know me As some sort of favor for someone else That doesn't sound like a good sexual experience

You might be a little afraid to sleep with someone Who is full on expecting to have their first orgasm ever Like holy shit that's a lot of pressure So you said you'd blow my mind did ya? Well my girlfriend said that I'm just gonna do my best Oh no I nodded

Why? Why? An orgasm is a pretty intimate thing And I think sometimes You really need to know someone to have a good one Yeah could you give someone an orgasm That you were set up with on an orgasm date?

I don't know it depends if your bodies are In sync Yeah you could have orgasms like your first time With someone but you also You have to be like attracted to them Maybe? No but maybe some people In general

In general that sounds like a good rule Yeah of thumb Specifically But you could always find yourself attracted to some aspect of a person Specifically the ass And the pecs So lonely Are you okay?

Yeah Well I'm not dead I wish I were Jesus Let's move on Alright it's break time Oh Tight

Indeed Anything to discuss? To discuss To talk about Obviously it could be anything Yeah So that's how easy it is to guide This conversation

Oh Meredith This episode is gonna be called Meredith right? Of course Yeah What else did we talk about? What else can we talk about? How about when you got rejected from your credit card That you applied for?

Oh yeah my identity was stolen Yeah I uh I got a stolen identity Yeah Somebody took me Someone jacked your ID For a ride

Yeah And they got a computer And they ruined my credit So I guess Watch out for that guys Don't uh Can your credit be fixed? Yeah

You They have to investigate the fraud And they have to go through and delete it But it takes about a month to do that So what you can do Is put a fraud alert on your credit card accounts That way Whenever someone tries to open an account

They contact you And say Dear you sure you want to open an account That's not standard I don't say just do that all the time I don't know I guess I guess it's extra work

That's crazy So they charge you for it They charge you to open a To a fraud alert How much? $26,000 Jesus that's not much Yeah

I thought it would be expensive That's like a I wonder if there's a word for that type of thing Where they just They take things away And then charge you for it It's kind of like TSA pre Right

Like you never have to take off your shoes And now you have to take off your shoes But if you pay $80 Then you don't have to take off your shoes anymore It's like Fuck you So the technology's there And you guys aren't afraid of shoe bombs anymore

But you're still going to make everyone else Take their shoes off Yeah How dare you Yeah You're capitalizing on this I'm starting to think They put the shoe bomber there

Wait, did you Did you get TSA pre? Did you do that? Yeah, yeah, I signed up for it Do you have it? Uh-huh Do you have like a card or something? No, no, you just have a number that you put in

When you sign up for flights Really? Yeah Dope Fuck, I gotta get that What do I have to do? You have to go to an office And they scan your fingerprints

And make sure you're not a known terrorist And you're not? Well, I haven't found out yet So you haven't been approved for it yet? No Well, it was attached to my credit score So I was declined They said that I opened up a computer account

And never paid it off No, I think you get it within three weeks But I was approved Cool You were trying to get the Starwood Preferred American Express Yeah Why are you trying to... Why bring that up?

What does it matter? Just because I got approved for it yesterday What? You got approved for a credit card that I didn't? That's right This is... I couldn't open a single credit card a year ago Yeah

We talked about that on the podcast before You were not approved for anything I had to get the bare limit one from Bank of America They literally had to give me Because I had an account there The kind they give to sixth graders To teach them about what credit cards are The kind that I never got when I wasn't in this grade

So I had to get it when I was 28 Learn from our mistakes, people Yeah, this is the real advice Yeah Put a fraud alert on your credits Get TSA Pre And get credit cards as early as possible Build up that rating

There we go It's gonna help you in the long run Yo, that actually reminds me of a little rap song I came up with Yo You'll build up that rating, baby Alright, here it is Okay

Build up your rating It's not that hard You can get good credit If you get a card Nice It's not true What? If you get a card or otherwise

You can have good rating Build up that rating This is like a terrible commercial for experience Build up that rating Let's see what else is on Alright Last question Moving on

You think people will like or dislike the music thing? Let us know Tweet at us Please don't I don't think we can handle the hate If you'd like We just won't do it again Alright

Just ask for feedback from people that liked it If you loved the music stuff Please let us know And yeah, that's it Keep your hate to yourself We are way too fragile To hear that kind of feedback There we go

Fourth question Comes from Poll Poll Poll? Like they used a poll in their act or something Poll Poll

Poll Poll McCopney I hate you I recently moved into an apartment with two guys And have a bit of a hairy situation on my hands When it comes to body hair I am what you would call a grade A gorilla While many males of the smoother variety

May envy this fact I regrettably despise my body hair And have spent the better part of my life Going to great lengths to shave it off When I was living with my parents I would simply wait until they were out of the house Go bananas with my electric razor in the bathroom And sweep it all up before they were any the wiser

This is where my problem begins I hardly know any of my roommates And as far as I could tell they never leave the apartment The electric razor is only meant to be used on dry skin And so I can't simply do it while in the shower Our bathroom doesn't even have a fan So the sound of the razor would undoubtedly pierce through the entire apartment How am I supposed to know my manscape

How am I supposed to do my manscaping in peace When they obviously know the monkey business I'm up to How would I ever face their merciless mocking If they were to find out Should I admit defeat and let myself transform Into the ape I was always destined to be Also don't say that tons of ladies dig body hair Because I know they don't

Cheers and toadah, Paul It's funny like when you're insecure about his body hair So it really like this is your whole world right now Yeah You think everyone will ridicule you if you're hairy And you think everyone will ridicule you if you shave your hair off No one's gonna do either Yeah, no one cares about you as much as you do

Right The things you care about Everyone's gonna hate me No one's gonna think about you Everyone's gonna love this No one's gonna think about you That's not the way it works What did you just do?

I felt a tickling on my nipple area So I checked to see if there was an anterior You're sitting here in your underwear right now And you just, I was talking You silently leaned back Lifted your shirt up above your nipple And acted like it was normal You just got done saying that nobody cares about you

Nobody gives a shit about what you do And then I just checked myself and you You're ridiculing me I care a lot about what you do Yeah, but that's not normal That's not everyone though Maybe one or two people are gonna care about what you do Maybe they're your roommates

Well, here's this question If you can't shave in your house, where's the best place to shave? Well, I think Is there a public shaving place you can do? Why don't you just go back and visit your parents' house sometime And do it at home You do it at home? Or a hotel?

That's insane But it will solve his problem It's a lot of money to book a hotel room Well, there's probably shitty hotels that you can get for like 50 bucks Maybe you can just always go to like a gas station bathroom and do it You don't care what anyone's thinking about you there I'd rather go to do it in a hotel Yeah, well, not everyone has starwood preferred guest credit cards

These are duals, dude Thanks for bringing it up I think you could lock the door, turn on the shower, turn on the sink Keep flushing the toilet They will not hear the razor over that They'll just think you're taking multiple shits in a row You could do it outside late at night Yeah

You could also let it grow, see what's up Or you could just try to get close to your roommates and be like I gotta go shave every part of my body Ha ha ha ha ha And then that's it They might just think you're shaving your beard for a long time in there They probably won't be like, what are you shaving? It's ambient noise, they won't even think about it

What about a friend's house? Is there a friend that you trust dearly? It doesn't matter That's what I'm saying Do it at a hotel, do it in your bathroom Do it at your friend's house, do it at your parent's house Or don't do it We don't care

It all depends, I guess Ha ha ha As long as you shave tonight Grab the guitar Ha ha ha ha How does that know it's like There's a hair on your body And it itches like me for you

So get rid of it One desire to make it go away It's not easy to shave tonight So what you do is go to hotels.com Cause girl you know that hair's got to go And you wish it should be so So shave tonight Cut your hair right off

Tomorrow Tomorrow the hair will be gone Shave tonight Hair today gone tomorrow And fight the break of hair Cool So once again, if you liked the musical component of this episode Please, please, please let us know

And if you didn't tweet it at a celeb Tweet it at the real Paul Dano Only he will know how much you disliked it So you're saying don't, you don't care I'm saying no one cares No, yeah, of course I think you're a beautiful person I think you can shave if you so choose

And I think you can tell everyone that that's what you like to do And I think you could let your hair grow like the woolfape man that you are If you choose to do that and people will accept you Because you're beautiful on the inside Where do you do it? Where do I manscape? Yeah You don't really shave?

I mean, you certainly trim I trim in the shower, in the bathroom In the bathroom or the bathtub? Are you talking about like my pubes? Yeah Oh, I trim my pubes with scissors over the toilet Oh, oh god Is that not normal?

I think I'm gonna be sick Where do you do it? I do it at a gas station, like you said With a pair of dull safety scissors I use an electric razor The same one you use on your face? Yes Okay

And I do it in the bathtub I think both of our methods are Hygienic and effective Well, here's what I actually do I go to a park late at night I get as many children as I can to gather around Sort of an improvised bonfire of sorts Oftentimes I will dress as a birthday clown

And much to the parents' chagrin Mid-set I will drop trow Pull out an electric razor and shave in front of the kitties What I do instead of shave is I grab a tuft of pubes I wait till they grow Let's say three to four inches off the base And I sort of yank them off Oh god, that's our show

That's it Thanks so much for listening everybody This once again was if I were you If you have your own questions that you need advice on We promise not to write songs about all of them But we'll try to advise as best we can That email address again is if I were you Show at gmail.com

Also we open and close every episode With an all new theme song The theme song at the beginning was hand-crafted By Brett Fields who did all of the Music and words and instruments with his mouth And the one at the end of this episode AKA right now was written by Amur

That's A-M-E-R From Sydney, Australia Yeah, Amur So thanks guys and we'll be back soon Later You do you I can't see All this cheese

My old expense I'm begging please Preserve my anonymity Oh deep inside me Preserve my anonymity Oh deep inside me So are you a big NBA fan? Nope never heard of it

They just plopped me down on this chair and said Talk to support so I don't know we'll see what happens No no I am a big fan It was magic Do you think Paul should even come back Rich? Oh why bother No we miss Paul We had him on the show too

Find us at podcast1.com And let us make love to your ears