If I Were You - 83: Weird Photo

Episode Date: June 16, 2025

In this episode we discuss peptides, dentists and Gengis Khan.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. Oh, yeah. Meet you two pathetic hoes Psychics Oh yeah. Can we talk about the photograph that you sent to me and Ben last night? Oh, the one of the wallpaper? Yeah, the one of the wallpaper. Yeah, I got a new wallpaper in the office over here. So I want to show it off. So you sent a photo of the wallpaper. Yeah.

And I guess in the photo you needed to hold your body a certain way to take a picture of the wallpaper. Was that it? Oh, I was like doing a stretch. So, and that's when I noticed the wallpaper. So I posted the picture that I sent you was like, uh, it doubled as like a weird selfie or something, but it was to show you guys what we installed behind. Couch.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm showing Amir the photo. This is, oh, so just because this is like an audio. Yeah. Only audio listeners really. I thought this is like an audio. Yeah. Yeah. Only audio listeners really. I thought this was a different man. You are upside down.

Yeah. So I'm sort of contor- I'm standing upright, but then my top half is folded over itself. So I'm sort of- Yeah. Bent in like a horseshoe shape. Right. You're bent over, you have your right hand on your left knee, your phone is in your left hand, and you're taking a photo in a mirror.

So you see the wallpaper behind you. Right, so it's like an upside down selfie situation. Yeah, an upside down mirror selfie. Yes, exactly, an upside down mirror selfie. It looks like so much blood has rushed to your head. Yeah. It looks like you're 50 pounds heavier. Yeah, a lot of, yeah.

you're 50 pounds heavier. Yeah, a lot of, yeah. The fat in my face is pushing up towards my hair and my eyes are bloodshot and crossed. And the face itself is red. Yeah, in addition to that. I wonder if I could post a clip of this. Yeah. You're gonna have to.

I mean. Because it's interesting to see me at that angle, ultimately. I didn't know who it was when you sent it to me. Oh really? You thought it was that odd. For a second, I was like, oh my God, Amir sent me a viral photo that he found on the internet of a very ugly old man.

Interesting. It's just me upside down, but sort of contorting my face. Yeah. It looks like you have. Yeah, but it almost doesn't look like me. It doesn't look like you because, because like the way that your hair is, I mean, you have some gray hair,

but the way the light is going through it. Yeah, that's the dead giveaway. Makes it, it looks like your hair is bright white. So I thought you were doing one of those like agent filters. I see, I see, yeah. And then also- That's just me with, yeah. The bend of your body makes you look like you're 200 pounds. Like this looks like you're- Yeah, the way it's bent.

Yeah, it looks like I'm adding some weight filter, but it's actually just gravity doing its thing. You look 40 years older. Well, I am 40. No, older than you are. You look like 80 in. Well, I am 40. No, older than you are. You look like 80 in that photo, I think. Okay, careful, because he might say something that could be misconstrued as offensive.

You're ugly to me in this picture. In the photo? Yeah. And beyond. In the photo. And then you tried to send one. Yeah, I wanted to see if it would take for me. Yeah.

I couldn't get the, I don't think I got the proportions exactly right, but taking a photo of yourself upside down in the mirror is a pretty eye-opening thing. You never, especially because- You never see it, and it's sort of like everything is getting pushed upward towards your head.

So you have to take the photo and you're upside down and then turn your phone upside down. So you're looking at your upside down face, right side up. Yeah. That'd be a fun thing to do for like imposter Instagram accounts of us or something. Maybe we could post these. I'll post these to my story when the episode comes out

just so people can see it. Yeah. I noticed Ben did not send one. Yeah, because I guess he, I guess he feared that this would happen, that we talk about it on the podcast, then it gets posted out. Yeah, have to see it, right. And nobody should ever see this of us slash me.

But it was funny, it was good. It was good to do like a classic text thread bit. Yeah, we did a bit on that text thread. Was it last year? Where we were, one of us was trying to get the other one to send a picture of their butthole. Yeah, you said, send me a freshy. Yeah, like I bully you into sending pictures of your butt.

Which honestly is more offensive than anything I sent the selfie one. For sure. And then Ben always sends a GIF of me playing Which honestly is more offensive than anything I said, the selfie one. Yeah. For sure. And then Ben always sends a GIF of me playing with a fake penis on you from the lonely and horny shoot that he was on.

Yeah, he's sort of holding that over us. Just in case one day it's sort of like used as a blackmail situation. Yeah, a peach mail. How is everybody recovering COVID wise? It's been a week since the update. Is it completely left the house? Are we back to normal?

Yeah, we're, we are totally good. We're in the clear, went on a bike ride this morning. Feel 100%. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Lasts a little longer. It's true. Makes it your final after COVID. And now we get it.

We know what to do next time. Which is rush to the ER as soon as you get a positive COVID result, which you're doing on a daily basis just to make sure that you're staying ahead of it. Yeah, yeah. We're gonna be, we're freaked out for life now. Actually, we went to the dentist. Gemma had her first dentist appointment yesterday.

Oh, that's cute. What if you have a cavity on a baby tooth? Do you have to fill that? I'll tell you, because she has a cavity. I'll tell you exactly what you do. You- That's really dangerous. Yeah, it's really annoying,

because she doesn't eat any processed food, no sugar. She just has a deep tooth, like a crater in one of her teeth. So- Like she doesn't eat any processed food, no sugar. She just has a deep tooth, like a crater in one of her teeth. So- And she's like, I just got out of a hospital. Why are you guys sending me to a fucking dentist now? As soon as we got to the dentist, she met the dentist

and we were like, this is Dr. Jackie. And Gemma goes, I don't want it in my booty. So she's still anti-booty thermometers. Right, right. They're not gonna do that at the dentist. If that ever happens at the dentist, you've gone to a really bad dentist. I don't want it in my booty.

But what you do, it's kind of like sealing it. Instead of when you usually get- Because that tooth is falling out in a year or two, right? This is what I was saying to the dentist. Well, two things. The one, they're like, they don't care about baby teeth. They're not actually protecting the baby teeth. But if that hole gets big enough and it goes down,

then it's gonna start affecting the adult teeth. I see. Because they're below that. You're born with all of your teeth. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. Have you ever seen like an X-ray of a baby's skull? It looks insane.

They got two layers. Layers of teeth, yeah. That's awesome. So they kind of, instead of, they do a no-drill fill. They basically like clean it out and then give a layer of sealant. She called it like a patch job. It's like putting a bandaid on this whole,

we're basically just stabilizing it until it falls out. And did you ask the dentist this? What kind of sick fuck decides to be a dentist for two year olds? Yeah. Like this is what you want to do. Is this good? You want to fucking seal a baby tooth?

I do podcasting. Did you know that was going to be a job? By the way, AI is coming for you. Like you don't think I can get a robot to do this shit at home. You don't think I can diagnose this shit on chat GPT. You don't think I could figure this out between me and open AI and YouTube.

What is it like a no-fill seal or something? How about Gemini do it? That's Gemma and I on Gemini from Google. That's really good. Thank you. Gemini. Yeah. Yeah. Have you considered changing Gemma's name because Gemini is becoming so prevalent? Like we have a friend Alexa now whenever we talk about it the Amazon Alexa goes off. Yeah, that's got to be brutal for, for, I feel like Gemini, not that common. Siri, not that common. Yeah. Alexa.

That's rude. That's tough. That didn't have to be Alexa. Yeah. Amazon just co-opted your entire livelihood. Yeah. It's messed up. It's messed up.

So did they do that at the dentist? Not this time because the dentist was floored and so were Jill and I, we were like, Gemma was so still and chill. I was like, when you have a baby, basically you get in the dentist chair and then they lie down on you and you hold their arms because they're gonna try to like, you know.

Yeah, wiggle. And we did that. Gemma just laid there completely still. She's wearing sunglasses. Wow, it's almost cute. Did they show her a cartoon on the screen while they do it? Yeah, there's a screen above, like on the ceiling above. Yeah, do you think any parents, like on the ceiling above. Yeah.

Do you think any parents are so litigious about screen time, they ask the dentist not to show them anything? I'm showing Amir a photo. A photo of the baby, yeah. Oh, she's also upside down, not unlike me in that photo. Show her Uncle Amir in the... So is she watching anything?

I think she was watching Bluey, which was on the ceiling, but also like she's just she was in she was like enjoying herself because the dentist was like, I'm going to touch your teeth. And she was just like having a good time with it. That's fine. Yeah, I wonder if you could even get her baby in Vizalign if that's crazy, like just so her baby teeth are not like coming in crooked. Like if she has like a really tight smile. Right. Yeah. Baby teeth should be straight and will pierce her ears.

Well, isn't that a thing? The piercing of the ears. You see like babies with pierced ears. Yeah, you do. I don't know what that always seemed crazy to me, but I think it is. Abhital told me is to so that nobody thinks you're a boy as like a baby. That's so funny. Why does it matter?

Jill wanted to pierce Gemma's ears. She was like, then she won't have to deal with it when she's older. Wow. I was going to say if Jill wanted to, would you do it? I didn't realize it actually happened. Yeah, no. Jill, I think-

As a baby? Jill and I basically, like she didn't want Gemma to have sugar for two years, but was like, I would pierce her ears. I'm like, this is crazy to me. Why on earth would we do that? Why don't we just give her a fucking milk dud as long as the flood gates are open?

How about she can have a popsicle and we don't mutilate her? Jill said she can't have carrots because they're too high in sugar, but we're down to get a tattoo of something on her ankle. So that it grows out with her as she fucking becomes an adult. But this happens a lot where Jill and I don't see

eye to eye on certain parenting things because Jill is like recognizing how smart Gemma is and wants to like advance her. She's like, oh, like Gemma's curious. She was like asking about the potty. I'm gonna try to potty train her. She's only two, but I think she's ready. And Angela's like, oh, it's good for balance

if she gets a scooter. And I'm just like, no, she's still six months to me. She's two, but she's like, she's my tiny little baby. She has to wear a diaper and she has to crawl. No more walking. This is her at age 10? Yeah. I'm sorry if it's embarrassing you

in front of your friends. You still should wear a diaper because you're six months to me. You're daddy's little girl, aren't you? Oh my God. I'm gonna fucking kill you. And then she does. Well, at least her ears are pierced.

Wait, so you put your foot down, no pierced ears? Yeah, I don't think Jill really wanted it. It was kind of, I think she was testing me, but yeah. Just considering it. Yeah, she was, I'm sure. At the very least, you should call her fucking bluff and ask for a cartilage. No, I could never.

At the very least, an eyebrow ring like you had at age 17. Now I understand how upsetting that must have been for my dad to come home from work And I just have like a tattoo of a butterfly and an eyebrow ring It's like you're permanently altering your body in a way that is bad I made you in my image and likeness and now you're ruining it everything you had was perfect You had a perfect game going Everything you had was perfect. You had a perfect game going.

I'm excited for Gemma to grow up and watch these slash listen to these podcasts and see what she was like as a very chill 2.1 year old. Yeah, man. Flies by. Tell you what. Because now she hates going to the dentist as a 13 year old. I'm already looking forward. And she wishes she had her ears pierced. Yeah, yeah. She's wondering why she hasn't seen you in five years because you ran off to fucking catch the perfect wave in Tahiti.

That's awesome. He was so normal as a podcaster, but then he went fucking insane. Yeah. And he left, he just skipped town one day. My dad ghosted me. God, that's awesome. He stole all my diapers and he went to Fiji.

Okay. We have some real segments, by the way. This is an actual podcast, a segments podcast. I don't know if you guys are familiar, but let's take a break, come back and actually discuss shit that's like kind of more important than children's health. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you, Helix. Jake, you sleep on a Helix mattress. Damn right I do. And your sleep is what, never been better or?

10 out of 10. It's perfect. I love my mattress. And it's the best thing that ever happened to me. There you go. I assume you took that sleep quiz and they sent you the mattress that was right for you. Very cute. Call the quiz one more time and see what happens. You piece of shit. You asshole. What's wrong with that?

They ask you if you're like a side sleeper or you prefer to be cool, warm and they like that. Keep my helix quiz name out your fucking mouth. his name out your fucking mouth. Okay. Um, yeah. So if you want to be more like Jake and upgrade your mattress game, all you got to do is go to helixsleep.com slash segments. And right now they have a 27% off site-wide sale.

How's that for an exclusive for our listeners? Incredible. That's helixsleep.com slash segments for 27% off site-wide for the rest of June and into July. All you got to do is go to helixsleep.com slash segments and make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you. Yes. That's helixsleep.com slash segments. All right.

Thank you, Hel you. Yes. That's helixsleep.com slash segments. All right. Thank you, Helix. Thanks. All right. We are returned. Hello. Hello. Every once in a while in order to monetize our show to its fullest, I'm able to sell some ads on the sly slash side.

The slide. Yes. some ads on the slide slash side. The slide. Yes. The only wrinkle is that the companies that I'm, uh, interfacing with have a really kind of drastic communication issue in which they are unable to write talking points for their own product, just cause it's so out of left field slash bizarre.

Yeah. Um, but I'm able to work with the CFOs of these pretty sizable corporations. Fortune no hundred companies. To come up with a script that I think gets the point across, but ultimately needs to be read verbatim. Yeah. No improvising. No improvising, please.

I emailed you two scripts for two ads that I helped co-write, though I did not co-found, though I did work out a deal to contain and procure 10% of these companies in perpetuity. So if we're able to... You contain multitudes. Yes, and companies. So if we do end up selling some of these things and growing the company, that's sweat equity that I've earned in trust and in kind.

So without further ado, why don't you start reading the ad for company number one. Hey Amir, what's your favorite way to drink water? And I should say Jake is reading these, these are cold reads. Cold reads. And that's actually your first line. know, these are cold reads, of course. And that's actually your first line. Yeah, so Jake start from the top again.

Hey Amir, what's your favorite way to drink water? Cold? No, like out of what? A cup? No, I mean like a bottle. You're asking me my favorite bottle? It says the parenthetical is offensive accent of your choice. No, mate, I'm asking you like my favorite bottle.

Just say the product. Streamerly. Bitch, what is Streamerly? Artificial intelligence as an app that scans your Instagram history and 23 and me DNA sequencing to create 10 million movies, TV shows, and books that you'll love more than your family. And if that's not enough, try Streamerly Plus.

What's Streamerly Plus? It's Streamerly, but we also give you 100% pure MDMA to drink during it. So as you watch a curated library of custom bespoke masterpieces, your brain will dump enough serotonin and dopamine to convince your body you're currently witnessing the miracle of childbirth. Every other day will feel like the highest highs of your entire life. A euphoric orgasm mixed with the sweet relief of finding out a deceased relative is still alive times a thousand.

Your joyous tears will run dry. What about the days in between those days? Dystopian nightmare. Your neurotransmitters will be shot, so you'll sink into a psychotic depression and existential fatigue that will make each hour feel like months and each day feel like a decade. Black tar hell.

Mentally, you will be empty. And physically, you'll be in so much pain that the only way out is, well, Streamerly Premium. I really hesitate to ask, but what's Streamerly Premium? It's Streamerly Plus, with a water bottle. How much would you pay for that? I don't want this at all. Coward, it's 99.99 a month,

but that's pretty good for ecstasy. Do you have a connected stream? No. I'm fiending bad. DMs open. Okay, so that one's interesting. That one's people have to DM you, I guess, for a connection at this app.

Right, so I guess the advertisement is that I want to get on stream really, because I'm addicted to MDMA. Is that the vibe? Yeah, or something like that meets AI, I guess. They pitched it to me, but I didn't really see a proof of concept, but it sounds pretty cool. Yeah, it sounds, it sounds awesome.

I just hope it's good for the environment. Yeah, I'm sure it's not, but at the end of the day. This next one is a little more odd, but it should be right. More odd than Streamily. A streaming AI app that feeds you ecstasy and makes you sad. Yeah, this one's a little weirder. Okay, here we go, part two. Imagine this, you're on a freeway, high as a knife, riding shotgun

next to the ugliest person you know. What do you want in this moment? What gets you wet with pre-cum at this point in time? I don't know. Peptides. What's that? Pre-cum. This is the second one that's had a lot

to do with pre-cum, I think. Pre-cum, it's when a little oil leaks out from your ass and... No, no, no. What's peptides? Oh, I think it's like ozimphic or some shit. You think? Most doctors charge you 10,000 or 20,000 to see them, but with pre-oil calm tides, you can get all of the benefits of these drugs for four dollars a pop and the only major issues are the side effects of which there are nine. Name two. Hey, no jumping. No, no, no.

That's one of them. No jumping and another one is thin ribs. So laughing and coughing will become well, not. What's another one? Flip a coin. Has you watch an Anaheim Angels game that night, tails you don't. And what if they don't play that night? You better hope it lands on tails. Another one is lip skin on your sack.

Lip skin, lip skin, as in Coldplay, singing to the tune of Are You Human, what? Yeah, this one's a singing parody. I see. Are You Lip Skin? Or Are You Dancer? That's not Coldplay. Is it not?

I don't think it is. I think it is. Are You Human? You gotta let me know. Are You Human? Or Are You? I thought that, I think that's the killers. Oh, I think you're right, you're right.

Okay, to the killers, are you human? Let me see. Yeah, it's by the killers. That's actually a really good note that I could send back. Yeah. Everything else has been perfect. Lip skin, as in, are you lip skin or are you dancer? My sign is vital, my sack is pink.

Just finish the ad read. Right, so sign up today to lose weight or stop gambling or something for $4, but there are a few side effects if you're interested. You already said that. Did I mention Lipskin sack or memory loss? Right, so you're on them now I take it. I lost $4 a month in pre-com to a doctor and you'll never guess the color of my sack.

Pink, how'd you know? Fiend. Really nice work. Really good. Really nice work. And those are both products that I could see a, like a lot of times we'll do like ads for certain companies where I'm like,

I'm not necessarily interested in this kind of thing or this is pretty good, but not probably for me. I could see a world where you do the peptides and the Streamerly plus subscription. Yeah, well, what is the, I wasn't clear on what you got out of the peptides. It was- Oh, it's like whatever a GLP does, it like helps limit like an addiction to something. I wasn't clear on what you got out of the peptides. It was-

Oh, it's like whatever a GLP does, it like helps limit like an addiction to something. Oh, I see, I see, I see. And maybe you have these nine side effects. Yeah, but like they're not necessarily like definitely gonna happen or anything like that. So you- I don't wanna go through the process

of getting any of these medications, but I have some like compulsive behaviors that I wonder if they'd be curbed by one of those medicines. Yeah, I think that's the whole point. Like whether you're addicted to food or gambling, it just stops this like OCD, neurotic mental loop in your head and it finally breaks it once and for all. And I think it has some various other health benefits too.

Interesting. Like what if I just need to touch my railing at the bottom on the right side, on the flat side, that touches, that faces the street with my whole hand and my finger on my index last every time I leave my house. Would that stop? Cause I'm not really addicted to any of the other stuff, but I do need to touch my railing the same way

every time I leave. And sometimes if I don't, I have to go back and touch it. Yeah, I guess. Sometimes I'll like pretend I forgot something in the house so I can walk afterwards. Like if somebody is leaving at the same time and I'm on the left side and they're on the right and I need to be on the right side

so I can touch the railing and they're on the right and I need to be on the right side so I can touch the railing. I'll like pretend I forgot something and then go over and touch the right side because- And they have to go back with you otherwise it doesn't count. So you'll be like, holy shit come back here. You dropped your you dropped your wallet. I'm holding my wallet. No, no, no, please. You have to believe me. You have to touch the railing with me. my wallet. No, no, no, please. You have to believe me. You have to touch the railing with me. Yeah, I think a daily injection might curb that OCD loop. Yeah, that'd be kind of cool. But it might not be worth it because then you have to replace it with an actual like medication in your body. Right, right. Wouldn't you rather just touch a railing? Yeah, it's not that hard to touch the

railing. Of course, there's more to your OCD than just the railing touch, I would assume. There's various other things that you have to do. Yeah, but they've gotten pretty, I mean, I think we've talked about my OCD on the podcast before, but there were, like, I think when I was in high school, it was the point where it took me, like,

20 minutes before bed to get all of my OCD things done. And now, I've curbed it to basically just this one weird touch that I have to do on the railing, on the car door, and sometimes my bedroom door depending. If there's something stressing me out that day. It's all made up by you. If there's a high stakes thing. Like if you're in the ER with your daughter,

you have to rush them to touch the railing. Oh yeah, I mean when Gemma was in the ER, as I was going there, I did all, like the OCD was like a real serious car touch. I had to go on the right side of every single obstacle because you don't want to go on the left, you have to go on the right. And it worked.

Yeah. She ended up being fine. I mean, no thanks to the doctors, but I think I had my hand in it, literally. Guys, everyone relax. I went on the right side of the obstacle. Don't worry, I'm here. I did a full hand touch, and then all the fingers came off,

but the index, and that was last. And I got a really clean release, rolled off just at the pad. It was a perfect touch. So she won't be needing that IV medication. That was last and I got a really clean release rolled off just at the pad. It was a perfect touch. So she won't be needing that IV medication. She's getting enough fluids now. I've touched the car door.

All right. Let's take another break. Come back and we'll do your worst segment after this. Finally. Yes. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Okay. First things first. We have to plug a new headband. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. Okay, first things first, we have to plug a new HeadGum podcast, Landlines. Yes. With Allison Williams, our dear friend, Cheryl. My oldest friend. Yeah. And then two of her oldest friends, Jamie and Hope.

So technically, our oldest friends too. Yeah, exactly. The Triumph Brit. So check out Landlines, also exactly. The Triumph written. So check out Landlines, also produced by my lovely wife, Jillian. Wow, you're keeping it in family. Yeah, and I listened to a bunch of the episodes and they're very, very good. The pilot is out now.

The theme is parenting? Yes, it's kind of... Slash friendship. Parenting, slash adulthood adulthood slash life friendship. That's nice. It's just a nice companion pod. That's nice. Okay, so it's called Landlines

and it's available anytime, anywhere you get your podcasts. Precisely. Namaste. Namaste. This is a segment called Blind Turview. Blind Tur turview. Blind turd view. I've randomly generated a list of historical figures. I'm going to embody them.

I'm going to embody them one at a time. And you're going to interview me and you will try to guess who I am and why. Okay, we've done this before, but I'm glad we're bringing it back after all these years. That's right. Okay. So you got the first one?

Yeah. First one. Hello, sir. How are you? Fine. How are you? Are you a sir? I should say, like, I'm not really sure your gender.

You are a man. I'm a man. Yeah. Yes. An alive man or dead man? Where do you land on that? Thanks for asking. I am quite dead.

I am deceased. Yeah. I was going to say you start, you, you land on that? Thanks for asking. I am quite dead. I am deceased. Yeah, I was gonna say, you start, you starting to smell a little bit, which would be alarming, were you alive? But I assume you've been dead for what, 50 years? Oh, 50 years, no, even longer. So, and I take that as a compliment. Over a hundred years.

You think I don't smell that bad. Yeah, a little more than a hundred. Even decomposing for nearly a century, over a century. Over a century, over a century. Yeah, but we're right in that hundred. All things considered. Thank you. For someone who died around World War I,

were you an old man when you died, a young man when you died? You know, I was, let's say neither. I didn't die too young, but not too old either. Were you assassinated, murdered? No, let me actually scroll to the bottom of my Wikipedia to find out exactly how I died. Natural causes at the ripe old age of 48. Yeah, it was, you know, something like that. Hold on.

Okay, but you know, this was pre-medicine, so people just used to just, they looked old and they died young. Yeah, you know, it looks like I just, my health worsened and I just, yeah, and I just died. That's gonna have, of course. You know, back in the 1800s, this was-

That's just how shit went. Yeah, sometimes you got sick and you didn't exactly get better. And your English is pretty good. I assume you're from America. Ah, no, no sir. Really? Yeah. Wow, you're from America. No, no, sir. Really? Yeah.

Wow, you really speak very well. We're doing from France. What? You were from France. Yeah, I am from France. A leader, a world leader? Cause those are the only sort of famous people from France. Yeah, you could definitely call me a French leader.

Okay, so you have to be the only one I've ever heard of, which is Napoleon. We, okay. Well, glad we got there. Uh, there is a world where Napoleon was also one of the ones that you did. The first time we played this game, but maybe I'm just conflating two different people. Wow. I thought I was Picasso the first time.

Yeah, that sounds familiar too. Okay. Was that also Napoleon? It's definitely in play, but I don't remember. Okay, all right, well now I'm somebody else. Okay. You are a lady? No.

No, you're still a dude. Not even close. That's awesome, yeah. Yeah. A person who's alive and well, I assume. Absolutely not. Really, you're also's alive and well, I assume. Absolutely not. Really, you're also dead. Sup's dead, yeah.

Oops, you dead it again. That's right. How long have you been dead? It looks like I died around- You're not sure? A thousand years ago. It looks like you died. 1227-ish.

There's no way they know that for sure. 1227? The year? Yeah, 1227. That's so specific. Where were you in 1227? I don't even remember where I was at 1227 PM yesterday. Nice.

No, I do remember. I was, I think I fainted at a mixto, a Mexican restaurant. That's right. Because it got very hot and I ate something too spicy. Sorry to hear that. But you've been dead for nearly a thousand years. Who was alive in, I don't know, 1193? Clearly not American because America was still 600 years away from even being a country. So what, you're fucking Julius Caesar or some shit? Are you a head of state in that regard? Like an old war hero or

something? Yes, yes. I think I am the war hero. I am the war guy. So like an Alexander the Great style. Yeah, to me, Alexander the Great is a pussy, okay? Really, you're even greater than that. You're Alexander the Greater. Right, and he's Alexander the Cuck, okay? Got it. So you're Genghis Khan?

Yeah, motherfucker. Really? I'm Genghis Khan. Don't know much're Genghis Khan? Yeah, motherfucker. Really? I'm Genghis Khan. Don't know much about Genghis. Yeah, all I know is that he's war guy, but I don't actually know that much about him either. I also heard that he impregnated a lot of people, and now there are billions of people

that are all descended back to Genghis Khan. Wow, that's kind of cool. All right, give me someone a little more modern. Okay. Someone more modern. Okay. Someone more modern. Yeah. Okay. I only know so much about history. I can't delve any deeper than that.

Okay. I got one. Really? Yeah. I was bluffing. Shit. Okay. Are you a man that's alive?

No. You're also dead. You're also... Or a woman? A woman who's alive? No. You're also dead. You're also, or a woman? A woman who's alive. I'm a woman. Yes. Okay. You're a lady for once.

That's right. A live lady. So we went from Genghis Khan to this person. Yeah. Who could be famous for a whole multitude of reasons. Interesting. She is actually the age Napoleon was when Napoleon died. Jesus. I wonder if it's Julius Stiles. Like, doesn't that feel like, like Julius Stiles is around Napoleon's age when Napoleon died?

It does. It's not. But, and she's not. She's seven years younger than Napoleon when he died. I feel like I read about that, specifically Julia Stiles' age versus Napoleon's. So this lady who's not just a war hero slash head of state slash leader, which is what the only thing you could be famous for before 1856, this person could be famous for,

you are famous for acting? Acting? Yeah, like you're an artist of sorts? I'm an artist, but I'm definitely not famous for acting. You're not famous for- I'm famous for an art, but not acting. Yeah, and do you like doing this art, or are you sort of born to a family

of this specific artistry? No, I like doing, I like this art. I'm very grateful. Yeah. I'm very grateful. You do like this art. Yeah, I'm very grateful for my life. Yeah, and were you famous as a child or was this sort of a recent thing? How do you find yourself fame wise right now?

Yeah, I think I'm, maybe I'm coming back around, people are appreciating my music, but I'm more of a, I've been famous for 30 years. Interesting. And you said music. I didn't even guess music. I just guessed art. So that was sort of, you slipped up a little there.

You slipped up and it's time for me to snake my way in, take advantage of your hospitality. Wow. Another man taking advantage of me. I've seen this before. Show me Alanis Morissette. That is correct. Is it? Yeah.

Wow, so you acted as a child, then you became a magician. I didn't say she acted as a child. I didn't say that. I'm telling you, because she was. Really? She was a child actor. Yeah, I think she was on the Mickey Mouse Club. Oh, I didn't know that. I actually didn't say I'm telling you because she was really child actor. Yeah, I think she was on the Mickey Mouse Club Well, I didn't know that

I actually did know that uh made jagged little pill in 97 Uh, and now she's kind of back in the zeitgeist because there's a broadway musical called jagged little pill that I saw And I thought it was great and you liked yeah. Yeah, she is awesome I mean you ought to know what a fucking song. Well, you should watch that play because it's a jukebox musical, but it's all her songs from that album.

They're all really, really good. You forget that these songs even exist, let alone could be told in a narrative way. Yeah, that's true. Head Over Feet, what a great song. Exactly. Yeah. Okay, so we went from Genghis Khan to?

It was Napoleon, Genghis, Alanis. The big three. Yeah, doesn't get better than that. Of course. Okay, one more to rule them all? Sure. Let's make this one count though. Okay, let's make this one, got them.

Her, got them. Fuck. You're got them. Fuck. You're a man. Yeah. Of course you're a man. Yeah. Oh. Were you born in the last 100 years?

Yeah, I was. Oh, that's nice. Were you born in the last 50 years? Yeah. Oh my God. I was. You're a contemporary of ours. Yeah, I am.

What's your favorite salad? If you had to guess. Chinese chicken salad. Dave Coulier. No. From the Alanis Morissette School of Thought. Are you in comedy? Yeah.

You could say that. You are? Yeah. I mean, this might be insane, but is there a world where I'm talking to myself? That's correct. You chose me. I should have known because you said I was under 50. And then when I said, Coolie,

you didn't even bat an eyelash, which is exactly what I would do in that situation. That's right. And I also said, I name checked your favorite salad. Chinese chicken salad, of course. It was only that. It was always you. It was always going to be that. Permission to kiss you. Denied. Absolutely denied.

In fact, why don't I go upside down? Like from the picture I sent you last night. And you do right side up and we can Spider-Man kiss each other. Well, 69 French. Okay, I feel like we got to know a little bit about ourselves, Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, Alanis Morissette, and me in that experiment. That's right, all of the greats.

The big four, which is honestly how I would, that's my Mount Rushmore of humanity, I think right there. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Okay, remind me to post that picture of us upside down and maybe we could start a trend, like maybe other people can join in on the action wherein we all sort of start taking upside down selfies to see what we look like with the fat and blood of the entire body rushing up towards our forehead.

There's something there. There. There's a there there. There there. If you're looking, if you're eager for even more of us, then you can always check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. Oh yeah. Weekly videos of us checking out classic Geek and a Mirror episodes.

Ones. Isn't that fun? That we've sort of completely forgotten about and a few that we have not forgotten about because they're that good. Mm-hmm. This is true. Uh, and thank you guys for listening. And as always, if it's a Monday, we'll be back next week.

Right on. Ciao for now, bye. That was a Headgum original. Hey Gorge, it's me Got Mik. And me Violet Trotsky. And we want you to listen to our podcast, No Gorge, now on Headgum. Each episode we will be bringing you vlogs,

answering burning questions, discussing what's going on right now, and diving into all things fashion, hookups, gossip, and more. With past guests such as Heidi Klum and Deedavon Tees, NoGorge always keeps things hot. Listen to NoGorge on your favorite podcast app, or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday. Bye, Gorge!