If I Were You - 84: Everybody Snoops (with Allison Williams)

Episode Date: June 19, 2014

"Girls" star Allison Williams joins us again to discuss jealousy, pornography, and why dogs are good.This episode is brought to you by LootCrate.com -- an epic monthly subscription box for geeks and gamers for under $20.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you to show me those really cool jokes that you come to, then I'd hope they're for severe anonymity and give you advice, but they might know what you're questioning, they just seem too nice, you wanna get with the girl, make fun of the guy, are you the life of the party or are they too shy, send an email to the tour or the end of the race, if you need a syntax, I'm here to take Jake's place, getting all of it for the 60's tuition that you win, you know you gotta win a signature till the end, are you a kid and go to PNM and Emma's your friend, I'm in a center like shagging into the tent, toe-tot to the butterfly tramsit, get into the bus and get the merriment to hand it, write in cause I know you wanna

know what I would do if I were you, the podcast show, a mere blue McFell, Jake Kerwitz. Wow, fun fact, that was actually written and created by Brett Fields, the guy that did last week's acapella theme song. No way really, what a talented gentleman, it's really weird to not introduce the guest like when it's a video. Well, not necessarily to every, but this is a video right now. Allison Williams, hey! Hi!

How are you? I'm great, I'm glad to be back. Yeah, this is exciting because Allison's here and we're also recording it, we're not gonna put the video up right away. We're teasing. It's a bait and switch. Yeah, well that's not what that means. It can be if it's what I want it to mean.

That's, everything is what she wants it to mean. It's a classic bait and switch actually. Alright, let's get down to it. What is this show? This is If I Were You, the only math based podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we're with Allison Williams today.

Thank you for having me. We, like we said earlier, we are recording, video recording this, I'm gonna put it on our YouTube channel maybe like in a couple days or a week after. So don't stop listening. Bait and switch, dude. Classic bait and switch. Classic. How does it work?

We do emails from people in sticky situations and do our best to offer our advice. Sometimes it's just... Oh yeah, sometimes Allison is with us. How many times have you done the show? I think this is my third. I'm a three-peat. Has anybody else done it? Streeter.

Maybe Streeter. I'll kill him. Yeah. We should do an episode that's just you and Streeter. Oh shit, that's cool. Your fans would be really disappointed. I don't think so. I think they'll be disappointed but only because they'll realize how disposable we are.

No. So we need a bunch of fake names because we're gonna give these real emails. Wave to the camera. I was just making sure I could see me. Yeah, that's true. It's important in those moments. I can always tell when the camera's off me because I feel like a sense of emptiness come over me. I'm like, whoa, when we're having lunch earlier today, you're just like, no camera's on me.

And I was like, yeah, sure, I guess not. And you're like, I feel emptiness. I feel empty. Like I love to be seen, heard, sighted, seen, saw. You think people should value your opinion. Yeah, I like to be watched. Yeah. Appreciate it.

Even if I'm actually being hated, that's still fun because it's still attention. It's an emotion that you're eliciting from somebody. I don't know. I guess that makes me unique. I guess that makes me fine. Fine and healthy. I guess that makes me normal, right? It definitely doesn't make you smarter.

Can I see your multiplication example again? I got 81.25 eventually. He's in the right line of work. I'm here. So... Names. Oh yeah, names. Names.

Do we have any names? Oh. That's a really good idea. Or Disney characters. Let's do princesses. I can supply all of them. Well, then we might have some boys. What about Disney characters that are very obscure?

Are you really into Disney? Will you be able to name characters? I'm really into Disney, we'll see. Okay, so let's start with... How about half obscure? Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay. Like more obscure than Jafar?

I was going to do all villains. Were you going to do all villains? I was going to do Ursula. That was my first one out of the gate. That's not too obscure though. She's on the box. Or Flossom and Jetsom? That's...

Yes, exactly. Those are her... That's when I don't know. Those are her electric eels. Those are the eels. Oh, what are they called? Flossom and Jetsom. Okay, so which one is a boy?

They both are. Of course. Actually, they're androgynous, so whatever you want. All right. Flossom writes. Flossom writes them. Recently, I gave a ride home to a friend of mine who happens to be of the opposite sex. I have a minor romantic history with.

When she left my car, she accidentally forgot her phone. I asked her if she wanted to bring... If she wanted me to bring it to her, but she actually didn't want me to. And I said I could pick it up the next day. Now, being the fool that I am, this phone in my possession, I decided to look through some things. Against my better judgment. It started with just a few pictures, etc. But soon I found myself looking through a conversation with an ex of mine.

Rookie move, I know. Quickly, I had gone too far. I'd seen some really hurtful shit directed my way in these messages. It seems that the two of them had been making fun of me in various ways and misinterpreting basically all of my actions for a good while now. The deeper I got, the more I realized they'd never kept anything a secret at all with me. And told each other everything I'd ever said about either of them. A lot of it was pretty superficial and didn't really bother me too much, but here's the real kicker. I read that they had both been embarrassed to be with me because of my relatively thin body type.

I know the biggest mistake here was looking at the phone in the first place. And for that, I already realized I am a first rate dumbass. But my problem now is that I can't say anything to either of them because they'll know I crossed the privacy line. But I also really want to have, but I also really don't want to have anything to do with either of these assholes anymore. What should I do? Come clean about what I did and give them both a metaphorical finger. Not say what I did, but still separate myself or simply do nothing at all and act like nothing happened. Thanks.

Flotsam. Oh no. Oh my God. That's the saddest thing. What are the odds? What are the odds of being like, well, I'll just check their conversation and it's all about him for an ego maniac. That's the worst case scenario. Terrible.

The odds of reading someone's phone and seeing something negative is 100%. Like, if you knew everything everybody was always thinking, it would kill you. Like, what we present to each other is the happiest, nicest thoughts. Yeah. And what we hide from each other are nasty. Like, the shit I was talking to you about, Jake Erliner? Yeah. Well, if you read that, you said that to my friends.

You'd get arrested. Yeah. What? It would be illegal. What'd you say about me? Nothing. It was a lot about hijacking a plane, actually. What?

Jesus. And blueprints and shit. That would get you arrested. That might still get you arrested. In fact, I think I'm under arrest right now. I'm placing you under a citizen's arrest. You're on two forms of the record. Calling security.

Yeah. I think it's such a dangerous game to know what people are thinking about you behind your back. Right. But this... Especially an ex. Like, of course, you never want to see what your ex has to say. So I want to make sure I understand this.

He is a... It's a boy. Yep. He was in a car with a girl who has his current slash past romantic interest. Correct. And he had to text regularly with another one of his exes. That's right. My first piece of advice is to leave that dating pool.

Oh. So you're saying... Get out of that pool. Yeah. That's too many already. So is that a general dating advice? Don't date anyone in the same sphere as a past girlfriend? That's unavoidable.

And everyone I know has broken that rule too much. So I'd say once it's three, just stop. Once three people have dated. Critical mass. Yeah. There's too much information out there. Interesting. Dated or...

So like... If I date one girl, I can date one or two of her friends but not three. I don't know. It kind of depends if you're doing it with your pure heart. If you're just trying to like... Just go from like fucking someone to fucking someone to fucking someone. Like they get... Everybody sees that and you probably won't be able to do it.

But then if you're like... Actually and weirdly that kind of works sometimes. Oh yeah. No, I know. Because girls are like, I'll tame them. Oh. So dumb. That's how I get laid all the time.

Nice. It's the only way I have sex. It's crazy. What? What is it? Just, you know, being an asshole, being a slut, being like a little piece of shit. Girls are like, oh yeah, Jake's a piece of shit but like I can fix it. So girls like guys that have slept with a lot of girls?

I don't think it always works. And sometimes you can just be an actual skisball. I don't know. I guess, well here's the thing. Girls that do sleep with guys like guys that sleep with girls. Like you're not going to get everyone but you can get the girls that would sleep with you. I don't care about the girls that won't sleep with you.

I want to fuck them too. Right. He wants all the girls. Just everywhere. He wants all of the ones that have their girls. Everyone. But the ones that sleep with you are the ones that are turned on by the fact that you slept with a lot of people.

Or that don't know that he slept with a lot of people. Or that I hide that from. Oh, so you can hide it from some people but make it known to other people. Yeah. So you selectively dismiss or amplify information. Exactly. If it'll help you out. Well sometimes you don't need to, if I'm like talking to someone and they're like,

you probably hook up with a lot of people. Yeah. I would just be like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know. Yeah. You play cool. Yeah. You like to be cool.

What was that? I'm very like, that's me. Yeah. You're in an intimate conversation. Yeah. So like, I don't know. That works. I've never done this on the podcast but I'll divulge some of my flirting techniques.

Holy shit. Okay, we'll divulge some of my flirting techniques. So like talk to me like we're, like we're meeting at a bar for the first time. Hey. Oh my God. You're just a cringe. So right at a second. Your kiss hit me in the eye.

It was too close range. Point blank, blow and kiss. You're not even blowing it. You're just kissing your finger. It looks like you hurt your mouth. Yeah. Or you have bad breath. It works.

Okay. Cool. Cool. We're doing a podcast now. We're doing a lot of visuals. Psych gags. I've done three prat falls. It's good.

You ran up the wall like in singing in the rain. It was incredible. I, okay. So for this kid. Yeah. It's tough because you can't, and this is a very modern thing, but everyone snoops for the most part. As I understand, I am not a snooper but I've been snooped on and, you know, everyone inevitably

finds what they're looking for, which is the biggest bomber. Like always they find what they're looking for or they look until they find something incriminating. But then you have to figure out is the crime you've found on their phone bad enough that it'll override the breach of privacy. Well, this is that Donald Sterling shit. Yes. Well, this guy should look through his phone and see what he texted about his ex and if

it was ever anything negative. Well, this email is in his outbox. Yes. That's true. That's one right there. But like this is one of those things where it's like, oh, we found evidence, but you did it in an illegal way so you can't present it to the court. Right.

And it's like, I learned what you did about me. I'm like, yeah, but you snooped through my phone, which is worse than that. So if he doesn't want to hang out with them, he can just sort of leave them be. Also, I mean, he has a thin body type, so why does it even really matter? What's the point? Why are we talking about this character? Why are we trying to help him? What was that?

He's spelt in good shape. He's like, what? A piece of paper? He turns sideways and disappears. That's like to each other. I don't know. I'm embarrassed to be seen with him because he's so thin. He's a paper doll.

How thin is he? How thin are you? Send a picture of what he looks like. I was holding his hand and he just, a gentle breeze sort of flung him up towards the sky like a paper airplane. Actually, you did a lot of your math on his back. Oh, shit. Is his flat Stanley?

Yeah. That's him. His name is Flat Stanley. His name is Flotson. Okay. What is the advice here? Well, he gave us multiple choice. I'll need to re-hear those answers.

I don't like multiple choice one bit. Yeah. It's never what he says. Come clean about what I did and give them both the metaphorical finger. That's what I said. That's just for your own satisfaction. I would say don't do that. But I love it.

I think you should do it. Not say what I did but still separate myself. Does he mean to finger them? Yes. What? But with his middle finger. With a metaphor? Yeah.

Wait, what's the second one? Sorry. Come clean and give them the metaphorical finger. Not say what I did but still separate myself. Or simply do nothing at all and act like nothing happened. I would take this as an opportunity to be cooler and to be just to correct any of the things. You said that a lot of what you've said has been misinterpreted.

If it's been misinterpreted by two different people, that's a pattern. Maybe take this as a chance to try to fix some of your social stuff. You've got to look in the mirror. Yeah. I don't know. This is a gift. But if you can never, if he doesn't want to hang out with those people. If I found out you said really, really mean shit about me.

I don't know. We're in a business relationship too. You just went somewhere else. You were so real for a second. We're in a business relationship. This is business. Well, I just mean like if you said, I think if you said really hateful shit about me, I wouldn't just be like, fuck you, dude.

I'm never going to talk to you again. Hey, let's find out where that came from. Let's work through it. I wonder if we're trying to get each other rich. Yeah. I wonder because it adversely affects your future financially. Financially. And that's it.

I wonder if there's a text message conversation that could possibly exist on my phone that you would read it and be so angry and hurt that you would quit everything. I think, well, I don't, I don't know. For example, this is something I texted my daddy the other day. Okay. Hi, daddy. How does that make you feel? I'm so glad we have a better relationship than Jake has with his daddy.

I have a better relationship with Jake's dad than Jake does with his father. I feel like I do too. And I've never met him. Yeah. No damage has been done. I'm sort of like the son your dad never had. He does. He definitely never had you.

Wasn't it in a Tucket where he was like, where's the mirror? Jake, more people are recognizing a mirror. Those are two separate thoughts, but yeah. He said both of those things. Yeah. At the same time. It was amazing. And Tucket, huh?

Yeah. Must be nice. Sorry. We don't all get to have houses in New Jersey. Well, yeah. That's right. It's fancy. The greatest state of all.

It is. I love it. So do we. Wait. Oh yeah. We love every state. This is a. Because you tour in most states.

Yes. Yeah. We also love. The journey is a big market. So everything you do is. Lots of laughs in New Jersey. It's a financial decision. I care so much about money.

We also love Australia and England. Melbourne. Here we come. Let's do it. Yeah. One time. One time. Brisbane.

You're listening. Wait a second. Did we give him advice? I guess. I think you should just be like. Well, look it. Not advice. But what would you do if you were him?

If I were him. Bringing it back to the title. He can't even look these people in the face. He's that upset. Yeah. I think he. Are you extrapolating that or does he say that? I think he like he's saying I want to.

I want to. His first two choices are telling them to fuck themselves and then. Or just like silently vanishing. Which sounds like the saddest thing in the world. I don't want him to do that one. Where did Finn Stanley go? I don't know. I think he just my phone with him one day and then the next.

He left for us. Why didn't you want her phone back? That's what's so weird. She wanted him. She wanted him. It was planted. I really think if. If he's this.

I don't know. He walked into a hurricane. Jumped up and we never saw him again. He's so upset. I think he's just be like I saw everything you guys said about me. That's right. I went. He went through my phone.

Oh, that's so good. You're goddamn right I did. Or should I say you goddamn right I thin. That's right. I read the part about my way of his frame. And frankly, I didn't appreciate it. And you, you, you also said stuff, stuff about that. What are you saying?

Your thin character is just tired. I can't hear you. Your voice is so faint because your neck is so tiny. Your lungs are just. Bumps where his organs are. I can see his little heart beating. My paper heart is broken for you. This is now a Taylor Swift song.

My paper heart is broken for you. Give me a pen. No. No. Wait, does she say my paper heart? No. Is that not a thing? No.

My paper heart. My paper heart. You know how to sing, right? No matter how many times you say it. How does it go? You know how to sing, don't you? Would you please? My paper heart is broken for you.

What's happening? I want you to sing. Is he okay? I can sing in private in our free time. All right, fine. Math and singing. My paper heart is torn. Oh, that's because it's paper.

My paper heart is torn for you. That's good. That's really good. It's perfect. My paper heart is torn. Find me up here. Can you find me up here? My paper heart.

I can find you up here. I don't even, like, I can't even sing a single note. If I just sang and if I was like, ah, is that a note? No, that's it. You're singing a note. It's definitely a note. We just don't know which one. So do that again.

Everything's a note. Everything's a note. Yeah, sing again. Ah. So can you tell the bad singer? No. Really? You can't tell unless he's, like, trying to emulate a song.

No. If you sing, sing, well. Or if I sang, like, a second note that didn't go with that one. You'd have to sing something I know. Okay. Otherwise you're just writing a song. What's your favorite song? Is this, are these real questions?

It's new to the world. How does music work? So when I sing things, is it good? What's your favorite song? And I'll sing it right now. My favorite song is Happy Birthday. No, I'm kidding. It's not, but I want you to sing it.

No, I can't sing Happy Birthday. Give me anything else. The hardest song to sing. It really is. Sing a whole new world. Okay. Start low. Just trust me.

Oh, that's good. I have another music question for you. Not that low. Very well. All right, Jasmine, this one's for you. Oh, Jesus. I can show you the world. You started too low.

I can show you. I can show you the world. Shining shimmering splendid. Oh, fuck. That's pretty good. You're hitting all the right notes. You're not toned up. Shining shimmering.

Can I do it now? And then you say if it's better or worse, and then how you would quantify it. So like, okay, I'll go. I can show you the world. Shining shimmering splendid. It's not. Perfect. Because he heard me do it.

It's not soulful. But what's that? You're like a machine singing. I pronounce every consonant. You're like a machine living. You are a machine. Yours was soulful and a little more wrong. Really?

But sometimes that's loud. But what makes it wrong? That's okay. Why was mine? Bob Dylan doesn't have a perfect voice. Bob Dylan has a terrible voice. But he's a genius. So it's kind of cool.

Like that's me. I'm Bob Dylan and you're like. You just compared yourself to Bob Dylan. You know, I didn't compare myself. I really think I am. Okay. Different issue entirely. Never mind.

I think I'm King Dylan. For that. Okay. So you could say like, one person's worse because you didn't hit the exact notes. Yes. Oh. In that case, there are correct notes because it's a song. Because it's a song.

But if we just made up a song. I'd like to show you. Let me do it again. Yeah. Keep trying. We have to move on to the next question. Shining shimmer. Now tell me, princess, when did you last let your heart decide?

Okay. Now he's bad. But it's only because you didn't know what was coming. You were surprised by the words coming out of your own mouth. Right. There's a tempo to it. Yes. Yeah.

So in addition to that. What are you talking about? I can do that. Princess. Now when did you last let your heart decide? That wasn't not how I sounded. That's not fair. I don't know the song.

All right. I'll play the song that I know. It was Philadelphia born and raised in the playground is where I spent most of my days. How I can't sing it wrong. It's a wrap. Let's go to the next question. Eight mile. You're up before Eminem.

The open mic. So enthusiastic. Yeah. All right. Good luck, Marshall. Good luck, Mr. Mathers. You're going to need it. There's some spaghetti on your sweater already.

Yours is just Funfetti cake. There's Funfetti on my sweater already. Mom's Funfetti. All right. Oh, this one comes from a lady. Let's do Nala. That's good. Pretty good.

That's the hot line from line. She is hot and yes. She does grow up to be hot. We're supposed to want to fuck these creatures. Is that the end game here? No. No. Obviously.

What? They're lions. But she is the lion. But if you fuck with Fiki, I wouldn't be mad at that. But it's a cartoon. So you can be turned on by the witches. I mean, you're a fan of hentai. So you're better able to explain this.

It used to be a cartoon porn. Really? I would google Disney Princess porn. Yeah. Of course. No. You'd do that to them? I'm so sad.

I'm so sad just to you. I don't want you to think about. Zoom it on her face right now. You would do that to them? You know what you think about Elsa? Like getting like boned. Oh, God. To be fair, he didn't animate them.

He just jerked off to it. That's worse. The animators get bored. They can do what they have to do. That's fair. You have free reign of the entire internet. I know. And I found me some aerial porn and it was hot.

Yeah. She was up to her gills in. No, it's when she was a woman Well, what's the point then she's just a saucy redhead with dad issues. Oh my god my favorite Sassy redhead with daddy issues All right Nala Nala writes Dearest Jake and Amir, I recently come across a conundrum, and I would love your advice. What's the accent?

She's like sort of like a Seductive like I write to you from oh gosh. I think of you always fondly Nala really want to fuck So I just finished my freshman year of college, and I'm currently taking summer classes at a local school There's a guy in my class that I've become pretty good friends with we frequently study together late at night And he lives close to me through my creeping I've discovered that he has a girlfriend And I think they've been dating for a pretty long time But the weird part is he's never said anything about her at all and he doesn't know that I know about her He asked me if he wanted to he asked me if I wanted to come to his family's vacation home with him for the weekend

Would it be bad if I said yes, I do like him and he doesn't realize that I know about his girlfriend I don't know if he wants to cheat on her or if I'm being friend-zoned or what what would you guys do in my situations? Hope to hear from you soon love Nala interesting Very weird. Did you reveal in that? I got distracted a lot in the beginning by your voice. Of course some stuff Reveal I just was turned on and then I had to press it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Did you reveal how she found out about this supposed? She said through stalking. So maybe Facebook or

Instagram there's only three ways to stalk and it's Twitter Instagram and Facebook That's not or just in person and in real life binoculars. Yeah, well binoculars.com. Yeah, that sort of Yeah, I don't want stockers feed. I think well, do you remember when you and your Mate broke up. Yeah, and you were just getting back into the dating scene But like if anybody added you on Facebook your last like three years of pictures were all with oh So you want to give this guy a benefit of the doubt? Oh, maybe he's not it's a possibility I think this girl should point blank ask him because it sounds like You know, it's it's a little ambiguous. She should be like do you have a girlfriend and in that way

What's the answer other than no yes, well, but here's what I mean, he's not gonna say yes He's got a good thing going with this girl. He's never mentioned the girlfriend before It never came up, but they both secretly know about it and they don't want it to come up But I think it's got to come up because that way he could be like yes I do but I don't know we're on the rocks and I like you and like I don't know if you like me and they should like I'll do I do and then he's like I'm gonna break out with my girlfriend And they think she should bring it up. I think she's got to air it out I think like it's gonna set the course of the future if you guys have like it's a it's a talk about

It's something innocuous. It's just about his girlfriend or whatever, but it's like it's an easy way of easing in to What are we what is this relationship? But is it her responsibility to dig deep and know about the girlfriend? Isn't it this guy? Oh, it's his response if he has a girlfriend He has to tell her but now that she sort of thinks about it is he's not gonna tell her so he's getting the best in both worlds He's living like a king, but isn't she also because she gets to be with him if she brings it up Maybe he'll be like yeah, I do have a girlfriend I'm then she's been with a guy who has another girlfriend. So get out of that. Mm-hmm. Is that just as bad as the boy cheating?

No, do you mean if you know that a guy has a girlfriend and you sleep with him Is that just as bad as the guy that has another girlfriend? Of course not no It's no but by a hair although it hasn't been confirmed that she is Hypothetical so like I've always thought boyfriend is a zero sleeping with someone and you do have a girlfriend That's a hundred out of it on a bad scale. Yeah, what would you say? Oh if I slept with a girl that had a boyfriend Where would you put that it's 50? Oh exactly in the middle. Yeah, so it's like half as bad because it stopped doing math, dude I'm fucking done Oh my god

Do you think that's 81.25 right actually it is episode 80 like three or four, so we're very close It's cool episode 84 81.25 Would you say it's also half as bad or not bad at all or pretty bad? I think it's pretty bad, but I also think that like you sort of have a responsibility to yourself in that situation like will I feel bad Doing this. I'm like potentially causing damage to a relationship hurting somebody, but then that guy Theoretically has somebody that he loves that he's responsible for and you're I think yours. He's hurting three times as many people And she's hurting He's hurting two people

She's hurting two people he's hurting But isn't that what it goes down that dude is if he cheats he hurts his girlfriend and he hurts this girl if she cheats She only hurts this girl who she doesn't actually know. Oh, so he's hurting twice as many people Yes, he's also fucking twice as many people. He's a pimp that that is that goes beyond all doubt The dude's a fucking hardcore pimp. I'll pound it if you mean it though You've got to mean it. We know he doesn't is this a sarcastic pound? Like I said something kind of douchey and you're gonna pound me and it's like a wink to Allison like hey You saw that Jake thought I agreed with him like I'll look through your phones later

You'll be a when I I'll take it. I'll still take the pound Shake so thin That's the worst part of all She's like how did you unlock my phone it knew there was a finger dragging dragging across the screen It's like a tiny little nail. It's a king of screen Should she go on vacation? Yeah Whoa, whoa, I mean, I would want to go

I'm just a curious person. So I would want to ask all of the questions on vacation Oh, you say go on vacation and then bring up the girlfriend But you don't she doesn't want to get herself into a situation where they're like on a walk around the lake And he leans into kiss her and then she has to be like wait. Do you have a girlfriend? I need now I need to know she should find out now You're right She should find out before and then she could plan accordingly if it's like I do have a girlfriend But I just like really like spend a time with you

I think you're cool and then she's in a friend zone or whatever that you can plan for this trip as a friend She can bring like What if I land to it by bikini I almost fell backwards continue you were cool about it though Very chill, and I just think that she should find out now so she can She might highlight the pants It seems like it's stressing her out. So this is at the very least it'll de-stress her exactly. It's a de-stress. It's a de-stress And that's that here we go

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace Do you have to get out of here? Do you have to get out of here? I don't really I mean Another question another question another question. Oh, this is the one you wanted to read Jake Oh, right just because it's just because it's long and I practiced it. Okay, just for that reason. This one's Well, I have a British person. It's from a British person. Is there a British disneymen? Of course great question It's Prince Charming the actual name of the prince in Cinderella. It's I thought I was sleep. Yeah, you're right. It is. Is it? Yeah, his name is Prince Charming. I think so. Charming is an actual last name. I think Is it? Yeah. Well, darling is the name in Peter Pan. Oh, yeah, darling is it well?

I don't know if that's real or if it's just really from Peter Pan You want to say Prince Charming? Okay Prince Charming to be British. I'm trying to think of a more British and don't wait Gaston kind of speaks in an English accent. Is any French? They're all French, but they use weird accent. Oh Lumiere Lumiere. It's French. Cogsworth is... Cogsworth. Cogsworth is definitely British. No, is he? Alison's typing it to her phone. He's Cogsworth British. Hell, it's the 19th time she's looked it up last year It just says for the last time, yes. Just use Cogsworth because it's such a good name. Yeah, you're right. This one comes to us from Cogsworth This is a long one. Buckle up. I am an 18 year old male in London

I'd like to be called Cogsworth if that's cool Anyway, about three and a half years ago. My friend got a girlfriend. Let's call him Richard. Not his real name Feel free to shorten it to dick. I messaged this I messaged this girl once and we really hit it off and talked all night. I fell her I fell for her Totally practice this. I fell for her and she fell for me. This much was obvious We both really liked each other, but obviously this guy being a friend I'd known since I was three years old I knew I couldn't do this. So she said she'd leave him for me

I felt horrible for doing this, but they hadn't been together for that long. So I thought it might be okay I really felt bad and at this point I understand I seem like the bad guy The first bump came when she didn't dump him and that hurt But me and her got together and didn't tell my friend We were so happy together and eventually the love stage happened and really loved each other We did everything together and I thought I'd found my one and to a degree. I still fear this So two and a half years went by and we were getting on so well But I didn't tell my best friend one night. I called him and told him when I was drunk

I should have told him before but I didn't I know I heard him But I thought nothing of it. Skip to about half a year later. I'm sitting in the basement with my other friend Let's call him Bill as Preston Esquire and he tells me that dick has had sex with my girlfriend My head spins But I set my girlfriend down and it turns out it's true this fucking snake slept with my girlfriend She broke my heart and it honestly hurt so much I Don't want to sound like a pussy, but it did

She is swore she wouldn't cheat on me, but she did Now she calls me every night crying. Tell me telling me she wants me back I want to take her back because I still love her. She is special the kind of girl you look for your whole life This situation is convoluted and complex, but I want to know would I be a complete pussy to take her back? Would I ever be able to trust her again? Oh my god, is she still dating the first guy? I Try to decipher this message for a long time. This is the lot This is like it's like I stole your girlfriend

And then I got mad when I realized she slept with you and I called you a snake for sleeping with your girl That I tried to steal He paints such a picture what I don't understand it's like He did they did everything together Where was her boyfriend probably fucking her that snake oil salesman, so it's her friends girlfriend that he did everything with Yeah, I thought they were broken up where they don't they say they were still together He said the first bump came when they didn't break up the first bump. That's the only bump. They didn't break up That's not a bump. That's like Mount Everest. He can how do you ever clear that we're gonna have he just went right on dating her

Yeah, so he's 18. So what Maybe that's like what it is it's like the high school thing or it's like oh we're together, but we're also gonna love face Happened she spent your whole life looking for her so I guess it from you when he was She's the one he's still She's not the one boom. She's broken. Oh shit She's broken deeper than that. Yes What's dealing with some self-esteem issues and just like she's lost This happened to me in high school

There was like a girl that me and my friend both were with and it was wow What do you mean both at the same time? Well, she actually I don't know if I should talk about this Things got real to real It does anybody not have self-esteem issues in high school who's like in high school being like, you know I'm confident with who I am. I'm 15 and I get my place in life. I'm just totally well adjusted as a Middle-aged man who's awesome 15 I'm well traveled educated learned and I feel comfortable in my own body and my own I like all my friends

I get all the girls I want all my friends are great. My skin isn't greasy. I'm not tall in some areas and short in others I Don't know well what I mean is that she's using these boys to to feel an emptiness that Right be filled by anyone she likes being chased by these two guys She likes people fighting. Yeah, but she's not thinking about them as human beings Which is so disrespectful because if she were she wouldn't be treating them this way Well, she's she was 15 at the time. You don't know how she's 18 Because I still do it. So yeah, it's good to break this behavior early. Yeah, but would you say like a 15-year-old when you do it?

Yes, yeah So that is the adequate age that it does happen. I think I'm like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's true Have you ever been in that situation before two dudes two friends pining after you? I've been dating two friends. I'm not simultaneously. Yeah, but when you're in college and stuff people know each other Right doesn't make you feel good when like guys are jealous about you when they're like, oh, I like Allison I don't want you like Allison. I'm not usually privy to that information. Well, you can tell as a girl. Can't you not really? I mean not always No, I don't think so like it turns me on when somebody's jealous of someone else. It's talking to me

I used to think I wanted boyfriends that were always jealous like would come over me like hey stop talking to my girl Like I just thought I liked that and it turns out. I really don't that's disgusting I don't like I wouldn't like that like possessive jealousy. Yeah, but I like what do you like? I would like if somebody was just like just like in general. What do you like? What are you into? Tell me princess now, when did you last let your heart decide I can open your Take you one Love with you. I'm taking my my engagement ring just flew off my finger

That effect I blow kiss and like and the wind blows engagement shining shimmering and splendid That's the kiss is your Joey how you doing yeah, oh You doing Joey loves sandwiches. He would is always eating He cared almost about food as much as he did about ladies. Yeah, even more It's funny because he was a womanizer on that show It was very try like he never like seemed like skeezy. They just and he wasn't necessarily even more attractive than Chandler or Ross He's definitely more attractive than Chandler. What is he like depends on what season Chandler fluctuated like cray Ross was real steady At the end still he's still rock steady David Schwimmer

David Schwimmer's as hot as Nala to me. I swear he's got a Schwimmer's bod I What are we telling this kid to do to or not kind of jealousy you like oh, I'm curious to hear I would like I wouldn't like somebody like grab me like I had a girlfriend once it was like You better not follow anyone you've ever had sex with on Instagram, and I was like that no I don't I didn't like that that was like to that's a rule It was like in your face. Let's see, but I liked I Would like if somebody came up to me there like oh, I saw you talking to that girl

I made me jealous like that. Oh really like a little a cute thing like it made me jealous Not like I'm jealous don't talk to that girl But she's like I felt jealous when you're talking to that person because everybody feels you never do you never ever feel jealous You're probably really pragmatic about it Yeah, I'm like oh what are the I'm like in my brain It's like oh you can talk to my girlfriend because odds are she's not gonna like want to be with you She's with me, and if she does want to be with you then you get her and I don't Dating an actress who has simulated sex with people that I never had their job. Yeah, I wouldn't like that at all

We wouldn't no well especially because like you would love that like people end up People who play love interests on shows and movies like often end up to get dating each other Right long-term it doesn't I rarely last of course, but like just the fact that it does happen Like if I was dating an actor and she was doing a scene where she had to let her like a movie where she had to be in Love with some dude, and they were going to live in a tropical location to shoot for three. This is really This sucks because you're probably gonna you're probably gonna break up with well not necessarily Right, that's like a setcrush or something. I don't know. I mean it's I've never done the movie version of it

But on our show It's not an issue because we all know each other so well beforehand TV might be I think I'd yeah If I was dating an actress on a TV show feel slightly more comfortable Yeah, because you'd be fucking dating a TV star. Hell. Yeah, the new movie star. I've read that actually I've read that yeah Like TV is like the new movies in a magazine or yeah, well wasn't it was really on point lately Yeah, like do you watch the new black like running shit? Or did you hear that when I was house of lards? Yeah, so it's so bad. It's bound to fall

What was I just oh it's so it's different I feel like on movies you're isolated you're in like One location together for a sustained amount of time. Yeah movies are like a camp like we just did a two-day shoot And that was just two days, but like everyone was friendly by two 12-hour days Yeah, I fell in love with multiple people like everybody. Yeah, imagine doing that for a month and a half like you just that's your family And then you get very close and bonded and connected right and you also feel disconnected from whoever is back home waiting for you because they're Not having those same experiences well that it's there's a certain amount of discipline involved And this isn't any situation even if you have a really immersive like work environment or if you go off to college or something like that You have to make an effort to include the people that aren't immediately there in that experience if they care about it and to

Be invested in their own experience when you go on a movie like that What you're supposed to do is go home every weekend be in touch with your Significant other or your family like keep one foot out and one foot in right interesting because you lose perspective otherwise What what's a more general like it not been movies or TV like what's a your whole audience isn't in movies and TV? Yeah? Yeah, I Try it. I was like when you're in college Only in college But though in college you wouldn't necessarily want to be like coming home Okay, but this is a good example if you're in a play like a high school play

I used to like weep when the plays were over because I wouldn't have they were my family and like I Hadn't talked to anyone not in the play for months or whatever Even though you still just go to school Go to school them. I'm like you're dead to me We used to do reunions for plays at school when everyone went to that yes where everyone was around each other anyway But it's like a family. I totally relate to it. It's just you have to continue living your life with as much investment Wait, this was our break I guess. Oh, yeah, you're really good at this

You know, you know that you get the the ebbs and flows the cadence and the rhythm of the podcast this time for the break Do we have anything to talk about specifically The last time you're on the show What's Gucci yeah, I've been meaning ass like what's a Gucci with you? What's Gucci? Yeah, what's Gucci? What? You don't have to say anything you're not comfortable with I won't thank you that I got engaged. That's a thing. That's that's boring. What else? That's cool You said yes, right? Yeah, yeah, I said yes, that's cool. I have you said yes to the dress yet though

No, let's talk about it. I haven't even oh my started that. Let me see the rock. Let me see that rock. I can't Talk about getting a dog this weekend. I want to talk about that. I talk about getting a dog every weekend It's the sad truth. I would dogs. Oh, it's so funny because that would be one of the worst things that it would have ever happened to me If somebody gave me a dog my life would be over Yeah, that would be one of the worst days of my life. Literally. I've never understood anything less This is what a dog is. Someone's like, oh here you go. Here's responsibility for 15 years No, you have to be at home every 12 hours forever Every six every six hours you have to feed it or it'll die

But you know what? This is the pros of having a dog. I'm doing it right now. You get to touch something soft Okay, that's the pros and then the cons are feeding nurturing picking up its shit piss being at home What's a cut about nurturing? There's a cut. Oh, I don't want to nurture anything. It's a turd. It's a time in which you man I nurture you all the time and I ate it I do you have to be at home every 12 hours until the dog or she pays somebody or you have to Beyonce can walk the dogs somebody whoever that is a human needs you bought a thing that a human needs to be with every 12

Hours until it dies. He says I'm paying for it Boom, baby. What's good sir so unlikely I How many lips have you packed? I just saw your armpit for like 10 seconds. This is the new singing So what's good about a dog? it's unconditional love and It teaches you. Yeah, it's easy responsibility. And also it's you how to read something that can't talk to you

So it's like a homework. So it's like a homework. It's not good while it's happening But when it's dead, you're like, oh, at least I survived the can't give you some advice when you do Proposed to someone. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's not. I know this is not the place for advice. Yeah. Yeah When you do propose to someone do not say any of the things you just One of my favorite things about being singles being able to speak my mind unfiltered because I wouldn't say any of that stuff If I were in a relationship, I mean ideally you'd find someone who loves you for saying those things That's the perfect world and who shares those opinions or at least finds yours whimsical and doesn't take them serious I love you for all that. Yeah, so good luck finding somebody who's gonna love you more than me

Sorry, dude We're out of luck. You're not a soulmate. You found him. We found our soulmates in there each other And I'm gonna get a dog Oh god, so why haven't you got the dog it if you want it so badly it doesn't work With a guy um, it doesn't um, why haven't I gotten a dog? Yeah Cuz you won't let me Cuz our landlord told me that I couldn't get a pet Any kind of pet even like a hermit crab. You can't have a hermit crab. We had a we had a dog

I have I was thinking about getting a cat recently. Oh, that's a bad idea I don't necessarily want a cat. I just want an animal. Oh, you know what cats give you what you want. I know I know that sounds so weird because they're they're easier to maintain. They're just too independent. Yeah, they don't need the love I want something that wants affection because I want to give affection and I want affection a cat is sort of like Cats are kind of like whatever. Yeah, I don't need it They really are they make you work That was her being a cat. That was my craft at work for you That was unfiltered cat. Yeah, human cat that is their vibe. I don't know. I don't know what else what else do I have to report?

We're shooting season four Spoiler There's more of the show a production spoiler. We're making more. Yeah, um call time on Monday is You heard it here first. Do we see the sheet come on? No How is this season compared to other seasons shooting wise? It's good. It's all it's pretty much the same. It's weird to have like a routine pretty much at this point Yeah, every summer. So this is it. This is your life now forever I'm gonna make this episode these this show for as long as we're alive. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, everyone promised each other

Yeah, we'll go from girls to women to old women to Really cool if they like one day they decided to change the name of the show to women Wow, that's a cool idea. Do we ever become women? You should talk to talk to Lana about that Interesting if there was someone named Lana involved with the show The girl with the fucking hair Rena Rena Lina Lena Lena. You accidentally said her

We would have loved to have land on the podcast Blanche what's your name? My name is bland denim Oh, yeah, bland denim. These these are bland denim. I Really don't I don't want you to cuff them so high But when you got socket, hey, everybody in reddit 1000 strong Don't abuse read it that way. Oh, they always they always post a hundred How powerful hashtags are and they ungenocide uncuffed the jeans and that's what I'm saying. This is a genocide

Look how long these jeans are uncuffed them Uncuffed them This is where I See this is too long By your standards, here's what I'll say look at your quad strength. This is so interesting. Yeah, well I did a spinning glass. Did you really why aren't we talking about that? There's sort of a lighter another show That's a light cuff. I would say it's a casual cut like this. That's like, oh man These are long and I got to throw my sneakers on it and and I got a walking a different person

Oh, no, this is like but this is my mom got me ready for school Yeah, isn't this me being me and then this is you being you I can't have these socks with this This is like, oh, I don't care about shit. Also. I bought these very specific looking socks Well, if you really cared about shit, you'd get your jeans hemmed I swear to God, dude, you're doing yourself a disservice. You're doing the denim a disservice You hem your jeans. Yeah, you hem your jeans Hem your jeans hem your jeans hem your jeans Amir. You're having a dream Have your dreams Amir. Have your dreams. Why are you saying that to me mom?

Have your dreams. Have my dreams. All right, let's get let's try to answer one more question before Another aspect of my outfitter personality is exposed to More than enough people All right, last question. Let's get to it ready. Yes, this we need another one last man's name Four hours later literally it can be Sebastian Let's pick one Well, there's Sven the reindeer from frozen. That's really good. Let's do Sven. Okay Dear

Amir and Jake a friend of mine told me that the mom of someone we knew had nude pictures of herself put on the internet It's pretty awful thing to do to someone But they were put up by the man she cheated on her husband with my friend has seen the website How can I get my friend to give me the link without sounding like a total perv? Thanks, Sven Sven So he wants His friend has the link of naked mom. No, no, I have friends naked mom Oh, so it's not even his I thought it was his I thought he literally needed to ask a guy who's friend it was

No, it's like your mom It's like I have a link of Rosie's mom naked on the internet and you're like, oh and you want to see it But you don't want to come off as a perv. What do you think? He's the one with the last he's the he's the perv He says he's seen the perv dealer But he doesn't perv air. Oh Very good Grace of God, just But he doesn't want to go down to his level he doesn't want to admit to being a perv

Just admit this would be like if I had porn and you wanted to see it Yeah, but I don't want to be rude because he is a perv Yeah, he wants to disguise it he wants to hide the perveness be the perv you are be the perv You were born to be that's a pretty good You were born to be Need to be sung but so that's a made-up song, but you can tell that he's not a good singer. It sounded fine. Actually. Thank you It was beautiful. I recorded it. I've sold it, but there's sorry. No, I'm so happy. I've always wanted to be a singer I recorded artists

But even if it's made up it could still be bad, right objectively. Yes, but what is bad? I have an ability to judge it if it hasn't existed before. What is the objective bad music? What do you mean? Like oh these notes are not good together Dissonance can be good though. So there's kind of no there's no it's all subject It's all about energy like I'm not a great singer, but I have like this raw sexual energy I'm talking No, just no, I know I feel like I Don't know I

Think being sharp or flat is what's bad. I thought you were talking about the question She just asked your friend or Google around for it My mom is literally a porn site that exists already is it my friend's hot mom my friend's hot mom Yeah, it's like these guys will go over there their friends asked like oh, hey, Mrs. Callihan I'm just finishing up mowing the yard Turns me on and then she like will bend over and clean the stove He's like and she's like did you just look at my ass the senior describing is undoing feminism really? Like a sweater. Thank God someone had to do it

They gotta clean in the stove These women are very empowered because they come on to the men and the men are like excuse me No, I don't want to yeah the boys. Well, there's usually like yeah, they're definitely not real little boys, but I don't know What it's a hot? It's a hot hot hot. It's called milk porn, right? Yeah, milk porn is a huge thing. Why do porn sites have stories and themes like can't you can't it just be the fuck like I I Don't think a single girl. I know although I could be wrong Would be able to be dropped into the middle of a porn and get off to it. I couldn't do that either I need some context just like hit play and there's sex happening like what's interesting

Don't you just fast forward to that part anyway? I'll like bounce around The tabs thing is crazy. Oh, yeah That boys watch porn with multiple tabs. Oh, did we talk about this last yeah? Before I'm still trying to process it so when girls watch porn they watch one thing all the way through with the story They want it like the backstory or even just the first half Do porn does the videos have a first half? I watch I watch this story. Oh I like some context. What do you mean like I like to see it's a girl's family Yeah

Research on the porn stars themselves too. Oh, you want to know like backstory behind the scenes shit I'll follow porn star on Twitter just to like see what's good Here's a question. Will you rewatch? Will you rewatch videos? Yeah, definitely really? I'll like be what I'll just be like sitting in my room And I'll think about a porn video that I want to watch and jerk off to big. Oh, I haven't seen I don't think there's enough porn on the internet for Jake to have seen this much hours and not repeat That's probably true, but sometimes I'll be like Like today, I was like, oh, I want to I want to masturbate to Isis Taylor. So I Isis Taylor

Yes, she's like it's like a really big ass and First I thought you're talking about the like Islamic extremist group that's taking over That's what what's happening? Nothing never mind Stay where you are So I see Taylor is like really cute and Um What was that about Iraq though like that shit that actually makes me a little nervous This little Iraq shit

Don't worry you live very far from it Do I promise though? Where's a rat cat? I don't have time to look at a map My lock screen is Isis Taylor and every time I go to unlock my phone. It's sort of just distract there. She is shit I'll look at the Iraq shit later or not. Whatever it doesn't matter I have a question that will pertain to a lot of the younger I think your audience in general for boys in high school Is the day just a long waiting period until you can masturbate?

Is the school day I fit for someone like Jake it might have been but for me it wasn't really part of my purview It's a good word. I have another question for you when you're masturbating. I know you go to like red tube You do you just giant aggregators? I'm very specific a giant anyone or do you go to red? Either red tube or you porn yet you porn you porn's okay But they they clip all the movies like all those things you'll see like an eight minute clip those are 42 minute movies I don't have I don't need I don't need more than two minutes I don't need eight and I definitely don't need 40 shadow of a bosom So you'll go to you'll go to red tube look at the thumbnails see this girl looks attractive and then I'm gonna even click

Yeah, I don't even click on the video. I just see the thumbnail. You know Well, that's it oh yeah, John and John Carlo in the room by the way you shoot each other for a second He's like I'm framed up and uncomfortable. I don't want to move. It was like how do you got? How do you masturbate to porn like with as soon as I see a thumbnail, what is it? Can you say it? I'll repeat it. Do you remember what it is? You fake looks it up and knows it This is this tweet On one of your nostrils

Like how do you guys jerk off to home videos I never been able to make it past the thumbnail there's nothing along those lines So funny. Yes, I don't need I would never watch 42 minutes of porn I wouldn't watch 42 minutes, but I like the part where the girl's ass is Out so I like to fast forward to that and I would love like what you mean with the part where the girl's ass is Doggy-styler reverse cow girl. I can't believe you pretended to know what he was talking about If I get like a good enough view of the ass, that's what I care about the most. Oh, you're a buttman. Yes Um, yes, I am a butt. Yes

This is my son. I like I like all of it I'm like every part of a woman the butt the boobs not so crazy about the vagina or the or the boobs really It's mostly butt, but everyone's beautiful. I'm an ass man. I'm a family man, too I'm an oil man Uh, what were you saying? What was your question? Um, as long as you get to the butt Oh, yeah, I'm just saying like two minutes of butt because if I'm watching one of those eight minute clips Then it's only to be like 15 seconds of butt. I don't that's not enough for me to nut. Yeah I got it. I got I gotta have a lot of butt if I'm gonna nut

Yeah, I have no question though So you don't you will just click on one video watch it masturbate and you're done in like what five minutes Yeah, I would say that's average. You'll like, okay I want to masturbate today and then 10 minutes after that you'll be like getting your clothes on for the I'll be on the 405 Singing Iggy Azalea's Still masturbating I have to start at home and finish in between the 101 and the 10

You're just like bobbing along in your car seat like Snatch along if you feel like I'm happy I'm happy Uh, I guess we should end there. That's a pretty visual Teals are really honest to me. I think it's real. Uh, thank you for coming back. Yeah, we appreciate it Thank you for having me. I hope we helped these people. I always worry that we don't We never do that's very sweet. That's a good advice. You listen to the show

We never do but at the very least how many follow-up pup emails do you guys get very little? Oh, we should start We should start searching for those though. I'm nervous that they come in and you guys don't see them Yeah, guys put follow-up pup in your subject line. Is that a good idea? That's a good idea. She's yeah, you got it I'm just nervous because then we can search for them as a fan. I really yarn for the conclusion if we did answer your question on the show Email us our advice email us with the subject follow-up pup I can show you the world Oh, we didn't we never actually said anything like uh, you can email us as well as it if I were you show at gmail.com We're also still accepting theme song submissions

The first one was from brett fields the same guy that did the last opening theme song I think and this closing one is from somebody Named he has a very normal name and it's jonathan gould Gould yes indeed. Uh, so thanks again allison for coming by. Thanks for having me back. When is girl season four debut? Probably january. That's how it goes, right? The summer release in the winter classic dude anyone with any I mean we get it We're in the tv space. Uh, we do mostly digital stuff like all digital stuff. Yeah, only just our glasses fake Thanks so much for listening

We'll be back next monday with a whole new episode later guys for a friend dying to know for a friend Are your glasses big? See I hate to admit it. I got a problem stuck with these thoughts. I can't seem to stop them Truth is I'm afraid to ask My mom and dad wait, which this podcast has shaken a mirror It's if I were you you show where two jews make fun of you You the joke after joke they get to the advice. It's so good. You'll probably fucking play it twice Stop bitching these jews have the remedy to aid you or even help you see the cheese

Oh, please turn this shit up. We did it your life's tough, but it's all messed up This will be the only thing you need in your life. I'll laugh for two and some decent advice Grab a beer sit and cheer chicken and mirror advice is right here