If I Were You - 84: Would You Rather

Episode Date: June 23, 2025

In this episode we discuss pants, thongs, lizards and MORE!Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. One last ditch effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Seconds. Another podcast. Seconds. Each app different from the last. Seconds. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook shows. Now let's meet two pathetic hoes.

Psycho. Yes, yes, yes, yes, dude. I have on my computer 10 years worth of your tax returns. Really? I was able to get it from your accountant because we're starting to use that accountant for our like joint taxes that we have on our LLC. So I asked for your last 10 years of personal returns

saying that like California needed them for like some sort of filing purposes. So can I just go through money in money out from 2016 and then we'll do year by year. Like my personal PNL. Yes, exactly. Cause I saw you started writing. Yeah, go ahead.

You were writing off like- Actually, nevermind, sorry, don't go ahead. I wanted to, I actually do wanna cut you off cause it sounds like you're about to- Haircuts before the video podcast. You're about to try to out me for tax fraud. And actually if I live- It's not fraud.

I live my, yeah, it's not fraud. I'm allowed to deduct my wardrobe as costumes and my haircuts as hair and makeup. Right, so this is what I'm telling you. I am allowed to do that. And I am telling the local authorities too, that we didn't do video podcasts that year. So those deductions are considered superfluous,

extraneous and should be worked back in. No, because I still, I still, I show up. Because I was able to reopen that account. Yeah, okay. I'm saying that I show up for, maybe not to be recorded, but I am an in-person entertainer. Okay. So my haircuts are valid. Right.

And this is you. Jake Hurwitz talking, right? You have, you're not a comp troller. You're not a DA. This is a. You have no business in my business. You've committed tax fraud. You've stolen my returns.

Well, I registered as a notary so I can get those returns. I can get those returns as a notary. And notaries cannot get the returns. And this is a citizens audit, which is legal in California and in Connecticut. Yeah, well, I'm based in New York.

Based in. And I file my state taxes. I have this is where I file, I have nothing to do with Connecticut. We did a show in Yale, you got paid in Connecticut. That opens up your entire body into a whole section of the jurisdiction. Yes, I can do a citizens audit.

In 2017, right? 2017 you rented a car. Of course. That was a personal trip. Was it a personal trip? That was a personal trip. It was business and leisure. It was, it was pleasure.

It was business and leisure. Actually, if you can send me the Amex, cause a lot of these are non-itemized, and I wanted to ask you this before doing this gotcha thing, because now I feel like you're gonna be hesitant to dig it up. Right. No, I'm not gonna send you anything. I'm locking you out of the account. And I'm gonna sue you for malpractice and libel,

because you are bad-mouthing me with this slander that is not based in truth on Mike on pod to the public that's actually denigrating my public image my network is my network is going down as I am I am cast doubt upon as I'm as I'm I'm exiled from society please how will I make my living while you're out there denigrating me and trying to tear me down. I will be suing your ass. Let's fucking see it, Corey. I will race to the bottom.

Please, I will sue you, you will sue me. We'll have nothing left. And we won't settle because this is unsettling. Correct. This is actually a podcast. It's segments, not settlements, if you can believe it. It should be settlements. I could talk legalese mumbo jumbo all day.

But who has the time? Because we got some really good ones today, actually. Yeah, two segments, two tried and true. You wrote one, a would you rather based segment. Any wrinkles or is this just a classic would you rather segment? I was like, you know what, actually I was like, we got to just think of some like icebreaker style games and would you rather is basically would you do that?

Yeah, which we have done before. We've done a would you do that? Would you, we've done a would you do that? But I just want to go back to basics, fundamentals. Okay. Me choosing between two things. Yeah, exactly. And I've got a bunch here. Would you rather always have a visible booger or always have something visible stuck in your teeth? Wow, that's bad. Those are both bad, both noticeable, but the teeth one is more hideable if I never talk. Right. And it really depends on where in the teeth it is.

Is it front and center? Is it off to the right? Is it a seed? Is it a leaf? Is it a chicken? Is what, what's the tooth right next to the, to the front tooth? The canine. Is that an inside?

That's not a canine. It's the one next to it is in between the can next to the front tooth? The canine. Is that an incisor? No, it's not a canine. It's the one next to it. It's in between the canine and the front tooth. What is that tooth? What's that tooth's name? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Let's Google it real quick. It is either canine or incisor. Oh, maybe, is canine, I think it's, okay, well, it's number, we're talking about teeth seven and 10. An L2 Yeah, that is a lateral incisor and the central. Oh wait. No the lateral incisor Yeah, cuz you're oh I see your front tooth is called your central incisor. I'll do the booger. Okay?

Okay, yeah, I'll do the booger because the booger is also not noticeable for people who are taller than me. Here's a- And I do a lot of talking. Here's a question for you. Doesn't matter. We all know, we all know molars. We all know canines. Classic.

And now we just learn- Well, we don't know canines cause we don't know. The incisor. Okay. But there is another tooth name. Okay. Uh huh. It's, uh, it, uh, AKA a second premolar. Okay. Uh-huh. It's it

aka a second premolar Okay, uh-huh. What is it called a premolar? Yeah, so it's not a full flat tooth But it's also not a full molar with the with the plateau for chewing. I'll say that's the Roan done I would say that's the Rhone-Dun, R-H-O-N-D-U-N. Okay, I don't, Rhone-Dun, you're just making that up? That's my guess. Okay, yeah, because we have the wisdom tooth, that's your third molar.

Your second molar is your 12 year molar, your first molar, your six year molar, and then of course, I guess it's your baby tooth that maybe falls out, I'm not exactly sure. But it is your- You seem really confused. No, I'm not, I'm on, I'm on amperhillsdental.com and we're still playing would you rather.

But this is called the biscupid. Oh! The first biscupid and the second biscupid. And I don't know if these fall out or not, but they are. Maybe I'm thinking of bicuspid. Wait, is that bicuspid? I think that's what it's called. I've heard bicuspid before.

Okay, well this website spells it B-I-S-Q-U-P-I-D. Biscupid? What did you say? Bicuspid. Bicuspid, if that's how you pronounce it, it's spelled not that way. Okay, because bicuspid is a type of tooth, but it's also a valve in your heart.

So maybe I've heard of it as the heart thing, but not as the tooth thing. Oh, interesting. Here's another rhodiodental.com. Okay, then we really have to get back to the work together. But this one does say, this one says bicuspid. So I think that Amber Hill dentistry

is not a place where you wanna go. Yeah, cuspid. It is absolutely cuspid. I'm shocked. I'm so shocked. Biscupid. Can you believe it?

You're bistupid. Would you rather always have a cold? No, that's really hard. Or always have diarrhea? I think diarrhea. Cause diarrhea, well, when you say always have diarrhea, does that mean every time you have diarrhea. I think diarrhea because diarrhea Well when you say always have diarrhea does I mean every time you have to shit it's diarrhea or you're constantly leaking out of your ass You are constantly leak. I mean similar to always having a cold where you would always have a runny nose

Sinus headache sore throat a bit of brain fogs Let's not say sore throat. we'll say common cold symptoms. So stuffed up, you are stuffed up. You're stuffed, hard to breathe. Again, I really just wanna know what always have diarrhea means to you. You are always in that sweat, that kind of like stomach cramp sweat,

I have to shit. I think I would wear a diaper and not have a cold. I think having a cold all the time would not be a good way to be. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the same way, regardless of my stools. Yeah. I would have the leaky stool and the clear head.

And I bet that the adult diaper innovation has like really ramped up in the last 20, 30, 40 years, to the point where you couldn't even notice it anymore. For sure. I feel like we're well on our way to the millennial disruption of the diaper game. Cause like we are, the millennials are the maximizer generation.

We are trying to optimize everything and we will be getting to diapers. This is why everybody should be buying stock and Pampers. You know, well, you often piss in bottles because you have some sort of undiagnosed bladder disorder. Right. So I think that's why you're sort of eagerly like hankering for the adult diaper thing to come to fruition. I want like this- If you don't have to pull over. The Spanx of like having a catheter.

Like- Right, you wanna be able to piss in a bottle without stopping to drive. You don't even wanna whip out your dick and put it inside of a Gatorade. I mean, that'd be kinda cool. That'd be kind of cool. The other day I pissed. I pissed twice on my way back from Connecticut. Right. Double goodness. Yeah. Yeah.

For sure. For sure. I think I'm drinking too much. Maybe. Or maybe you're drinking enough to justify your bladder situation. Interesting. Interesting. Would you rather shave my balls Maybe or maybe you're drinking enough to justify your bladder situation interesting interesting Would you rather shave my balls or let me shave yours? Oh That's really interesting. Thank you. I thought of these for a long time. Would you be using an electric? I would be using the strain escapedped Lawn Mower 2.0. Thank you, thank you. We haven't had a Manscaped ad in a while.

Years. Yeah. Is Manscaped still doing its thing? They just pulled all their podcast sponsorships? I don't know. I have to imagine people might have caught on that it was just an electric razor with a different name. With a funny branding. Yeah.

I think I'd rather shave your balls because I don't wanna risk you shaving mine. Yeah. Like what if I get hard? What if my boner pokes you in the eye and then you sue me? Worst case scenario when I shave your balls is I nick the scrotum a little. You get hard a little, but ultimately my,

my grundle is intact. Yeah, safety wise, you want to be the one doing the shaving cause ultimately then it't be your balls. And I will be using a Sweeney Todd-esque straight edge, pulling your sack up to the heaven. Guardless. And scraping it with a fucking swing blade. God, imagine putting like just a ton of,

so much shaving cream on my balls that you couldn't even see where they were and just going towards it with a razor blade. God, that's hot. Would you rather never be able to wear pants again or never be able to wear shorts again? Ooh, you're asking me this question in the middle of of California heat spell.

We're in June, July, August, September, October. It's gonna- You have to get out of there. It's gonna be a flame. It's like- It's gonna be a flame. And the idea of wearing jeans, although some people do do that.

Like we have friends that are like, I just never wear shorts and they figure it out. They're just really hot, I guess. Yeah. And I don't live in a place where it's ever so freezing that I can't, uh, like I'm thinking worst case scenario is me wearing shorts when it's like 52 and raining, which is pretty annoying, right? But you could wear long socks, but is it as annoying than like 104 and I'm wearing

khakis? Yeah. When I mean, imagine going to the beach and you have to wear like Capri's. Because Capri's let me is that a good pants loophole? Or is that considered shorts? I would allow that to be a pants loophole. But you would not be able to you could not wear a bathing suit. Because that's shorts. Yeah, I think I'll, even though I do wear shorts more than pants, I think I'll have to go pants,

like full pants, because the winter in shorts is just such a annoying thing if it's raining and I'm like calves and my ankles are constantly wet. And then if I visit a cold weather place, I'll just be fucked. That's interesting. I feel like I live in a much more extreme weather place and I would rather have the shorts.

Wow. I think I'd go shorts because- Upset. I like, yeah, I like, I mean, all of my favorite activities take place in the warmth and I wanna be able to enjoy them, yeah. So you'll be in a sauna in jeans probably. Yeah, I couldn't beat that.

You'll be showering in snow pants. I'll be shaving your balls. And you'll be in khakis, dockers. Dinkies, dickies. Would you rather give me unfettered access to your Schwab or to your Instagram? To... Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha? Unfettered access. Unfettered access. A 401k I used to have or my Instagram account. Yeah, I guess if you don't use Schwab, it would be your Vanguard. Yeah. Whatever you're using to actively trade. Right.

Are you more on the crypto market? Either way I choose Instagram. Really? I've had it, yeah. I don't want you to sell all my stocks and bonds. I wouldn't sell everything. And I would, I feel like- I would just reorganize and reassess risk overall.

Hey, you can be a little riskier here. Hey, why don't we deploy some of this money we have on the sidelines? Come on, let's go all in. Why try to time the market when ultimately you wanna spend time in the market? You can just post on my Instagram instead. You can go on Maine, you can go on the story, have at it.

I feel like I would be more, I'd be more brazen having access to your Instagram than your cash. Yeah, because the risk is less. Yeah, I would actively troll you on Instagram, but I think I'd probably just, if I had access to your Vanguard, to your Schwab, I wouldn't lose you money, I would just kind of look at it and use that knowledge against you in some way.

Hey, I know exactly how many shares of Intel you had when you were bar mitzvahed and somebody gave you five shares of Nabisco in 1996 and what it's worth now. That's kind of cool. I should, I remember when I was bar mitzvahed, we put, we had like all of my bar mitzvah money, and we put it into two different stocks that my uncle at the time, not really an uncle, kind of like a second cousin that we called uncle. We put it into two companies that my

uncle was involved in. And both of them- You flipped a coin between Radio Shack and Apple and you chose Radio Shack. Basically. You'd be a trillionaire right now. One of these companies was called, I think it was called Image X.

Which turned into PayPal, which turned into Tesla. I'm a trillionaire. I wonder what, if I had just put, I think it was, I can't remember if it was 2,500 total or like 2,500 in each. But if I had put that money in a real stock that long ago. Yeah, like Amazon. God, I mean Amazon.

But like Apple was probably strong. You would never see me again. What if I just put $2,500 into Apple in 1998? It's probably worth half a million dollars right now. That would be awesome. Yeah, you didn't do it. I should be clear. Yeah, no, everyone should know that.

Oh, InfoSpace was the other company. Both of them. Which turned into an alt-right zone. So that one's not worth too much either. It was the other company. Both of them. Which turned into an alt-right zone. So that one's not worth too much either. It was early internet days. There was like a chance that one of those companies went gangbusters. It's really too bad.

Do you know where that money is now? Yeah, I believe both of those companies completely failed and it's worth, the money is gone. How did your dad convince a 13 year old you to invest into the stock market instead of spending it all on, I don't know, a Honda Accord? Yeah, I think at the time I was like, me getting access to my bar mitzvah money was kind of like not gonna happen.

So, yeah, you didn't have a decision to make. I think it was like money was kind of like not going to happen. So yeah, you didn't have a decision. It was like, right. But like, yeah, and he, I think we like talked about it. I was like, he was like, said I could do this or he could do something else. And I was like, oh yeah, like, let's do that. And then I was, you know, I was like 13. So I was like enjoying looking at the stock market. I was, I would look in the newspaper and see where the stocks were trading. Interesting.

Wow, I made $5 today. And I think I kind of remember like making like $100 or something and being like, can I have that? Can I have it? Shut up now, son. This isn't my money. Your dad realigning. Info space is taking.

Fuck. He was in for 200k. We're ruined. It's fine dad. It was only $1,500. It was a fucking million. It was your college fund. It was your retirement fund. Okay, I'll do another Haftora. Can we make it back? Obviously everybody loved the Haftora so much that they paid me cash for it. That's a good movie. A family needs money so they move to a different city and have a different Bar Mitzvah every year so that they can raise money. That's funny.

It's like wedding crashers, but Bar Mitzvah grifters. Bar Mitzvah havers. Every year, but you're getting older and older. So by 16, they're like, he's 13? Yeah, you'd have to do it all through one year. You stay at different Airbnb's in little cities all across the country. Like we're the new family in town.

We just joined this synagogue. We have to do a bar mitzvah. But that wouldn't work because it would be a new tour portion every week. You couldn't possibly memorize them all. Yeah, that would be tough. You also need friends. So you'd have to have a bar mitzvah, move to a new city,

say you're 13 again, or say you're 12, and then have a bar mitzvah by the end of the year. Same tour portion, new friends, new cash. And I guess it's not a great griff because you do, like, you definitely spend way more than you quote unquote make. Like I'm sure my bar mitzvah cost thousands of dollars and I made like $4,000.

You'd have to have a shitty party every time. Yeah, right, exactly. Instead this would just be a joke from the Jake and Amir universe as to why I'm so wealthy. Right. Like I had a bar mitzvah every year. What? From 11 to 18, we moved to eight different cities

and every year I used to fucking go to the Torah and we used to make bank. I missed it wisely and now I'm rich as shit. I almost feel like we made this joke at one point. I was bar mitzvahed 11 times. It sounds so familiar. Okay. Would you rather,

wait, how many more do you have? One, two, three, four, five more. Okay, let's take a break, come back and we'll try to answer five more. All right, good man. With a $5 meal deal with new McValue, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink,

and a four piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Prices and participation may vary. Mcdouble Meals $6 in some markets for limited time only. And we're back. Hello, hello. On December 15th, 1998, InfoSpace went public under the ticker INSP, raising 75 million in the offering.

Half of that was you. 2,000 of that was me, okay? I was in on InfoSpace. By April 2000, InfoSpace was working with 1,500 websites, 60 content providers, and 20 telecommunications companies. InfoSpace was praised by Wall Street analysts and at its peak, its market cap was $31 billion. I was the richest kid on the block. I was worth 11.7 million as a junior in high school. I said, let it ride.

I said, let it ride as it became the largest internet business in the American Northwest. InfoSpace may have contributed to the inflated expectations in internet companies during the height of the dot-com bubble. In July 2000, InfoSpace acquired GoToNet after the accounting method to report 46 million in profits, when in fact it had lost 282 millions. Okay?

So it went belly up when? It seems about by June 2002, the company's stock price, which reached 1300 in March 2000, had dropped sharply to $2.67. I lost it all. It went from 1300 a share to two? Yes, yes it did. Jesus, what a roller coaster.

You really can't believe it. It looks like the CEO was sued in 2004. By my dad. Acquired online Yellow Pages service switchboard, and then it moved into the mobile game space. In 2007, InfoSpace sold to Atlas Mobile Studio Twistbox. I guess, yeah. It, I mean, looks like that $135 million exit in 2007,

which- You're owed at least 10% of that. I need to be part of a civil lawsuit. They're probably sending it to where you lived in 1998. I'm realizing my dad has an offshore account. Holy shit. Full of my bar mitzvah. Info space hat.

Yeah. Amazing if my dad got rich. You should text him and ask him whatever happened to my info space stock. Let's see if he remembers it. I will. I feel like I texted him recently. I mean, I asked him about it. I asked him about it like in the last decade, I think.

He got really nervous. It changed the subject. Would you rather eat a cake every morning? No, a whole cake. Oh, a whole cake. That's a lot. Or drink a bottle of wine every morning. No, a whole cake. Oh, a whole cake, yeah, that's a lot. Or drink a bottle of wine every night. How big is this cake?

Like a birthday cake, like a Funfetti sheet cake. A whole cake, not just a big slice? Whole cake. I think I couldn't do that. I think I'd be sick to my stomach every day. But a bottle of wine I could probably work up to because you do hear about some people doing that. I just don't like wine.

Yeah. I wish I liked wine. But you know, you hear about people who drink a bottle of wine every night. You do hear about that. You don't hear about anybody who eats a cake every day. Yeah. What if I, what if I, let's negotiate here.

Half a bottle of wine, one slice of cake. Full bottle of wine or half a cake? Again, half a cake is too big. It's probably 10,000 calories every morning. I'd have to be Michael Phelps. One big slice of cake, like a double helping. Nah, that's more doable. It's like the equivalent of three pancakes every morning.

I could potentially work that off. Honestly, alcohol hasn't been agreeing with me recently, It's like the equivalent of three pancakes every morning. I could potentially work that off. Honestly, alcohol hasn't been agreeing with me recently. And I don't know if it just the alcohol that I've had or the fact that my tolerance is lower, if I have developed some sort of allergies. So I'm gonna need to do some more research, see if I can break through and be able to enjoy. Although a bottle of wine is a lot.

How many glasses is that? Four? I think more. I'm not really sure. Yeah, I couldn't do that every night. Yeah, I don't think I've, I mean, it's been like years and years since I finished a bottle of wine. I like wine every once in a while,

but like drinking a whole bottle makes me feel nauseous even thinking about it. Can I have like half the cake and then sort of scrape the other half into the trash can when whoever's making sure I'm doing this, is it looking? Yeah, you run the risk of being called out and you'd be summarily executed, but you can try to get away with it.

They won't necessarily go through your trash every single day. I'll do the line. All right. I don't wanna die. Yeah, it is. And it could be a white. Yeah, like a dry white. Would you rather earnestly run for political office or earnestly join a band?

Probably band. I knew you were gonna say that. Yeah, I couldn't think of something that was better. That was a little more embarrassing. Although running for like mayor is like embarrassing for like a few months and then people could forget about it. Yeah, the band can last for a while. Right. That's true. Mayor it is. Yeah, I still think band people will consider an earnest attempt. While like the political thing is kind of cringy a little bit. Right? Would people think people would be more likely to think you were joking about the mayor than the band?

Yes, that's correct. It's like, you know, a lot of like silly, stupid, fake mayoral governor presidential runs. Yeah, we've seen them before. There's a precedent for that. I think so. Although maybe I could be a funny musician. Right, Weird Al style.

Lonely Island, yeah. Okay, that's interesting. In fact, I don't hate that idea just in general, because I feel like I cut myself off from the music thing because I consider it kind of embarrassing, but what if I have in me the ability to write the next great funny rap song, and I just have never given it a chance

because I think it's kind of silly or beneath me, when in fact, give me a beat. Pfft, tch, a pfft, tch, pfft, tch. Hey, I'm running for governor. I wanna be the leader of Delaware. Yeah, I think that actually works. Really? Would you rather only wear thong sandals

or thong underwear? That thong, the thong, thong, thong. I don't know how uncomfortable a thong underwear would be, but sandals is nearly impossible. I'm not really good with flip flops. I never could like wear them in a stable fashion. I feel like they always slipped off my feet. That's why they call them flip flops.

They flip and they flop. And I mean, if it's wet, you're in a real world of hurt, you know? You will slip and slide. I need arch support. I really need arch support. You could wear UFOs. UFOs have the thong sandals and they're pretty nice.

They're very supportive. I could get into that, but. And I do sometimes wear thong undies. Yeah. And I mean, the other time, I feel like I always am seeing your- Could I wear them under my regular underwear? Or I'd have to only wear thong undies.

I guess you could wear your underwear over them. Are you worried about like your thong strap poking up when you like bend over? Yeah, like if I fucking drop a pencil in front of Marty's office and I bend over and he sees it and he's like, holy shit. Yeah, that would be rough. He can't fucking believe what he sees.

A mirror? I like it when the booty show Negligent That's so unlike him. I thought but I do yeah, cuz I always see your Boxer lines like I just always notice that I can see you're the outline of your underwear and your jeans Cuz they're so tight. So I wonder not really you wear He's like millennial skinny jeans. You're still wearing the Justin Bieber skinny jeans with the long shirt.

So you think your shirt is so long. While you're shaving my balls. I always see your fucking underwear line, dude. I'm serious. Do you remember? Turn to the right and cough. Do you remember that makeup? Or no, it was the wardrobe person or the makeup artist

on that YouTube commercial we did that told you that your pants were too loose and convinced you to get really, really tight jeans. No. Remember she grabbed the seat of your pants and said, this is too much. Look at this diaper butt. Yeah.

Well, I thought she was sort of bullying me. She was. She was making fun of you, saying that your pants were too baggy. When they, in fact, in retrospect, they weren't even that baggy. Well, yeah. But the style then was like skin tight.

It constantly shifts. Yeah, left and right. Some people like tight, some people like loose. Now, boot cut is back, I can't keep up. Yeah, I'm using this time as an excuse to just go back to straight leg pants, which are, they're kind of in between, they're very comfortable and I'll never, you know,

go with another fashion trend again, I don't think. If you're in between, then you're never that far off. Yeah. The hard part is chasing the trend. Skinny, now it's baggy, baggy now it's skinny. If you're just right down the middle, that's when you've given up on trying to chase the fashion. And you can just sort of live a little bit off

what's considered cool. I think that's better because the alternative is like, I go all in and like I buy the trendy clothes, but then I lose steam. And then in five to 10 years, I'm just wearing like the flare pants. When everybody is back to wearing skinny jeans and everybody's like, you are, you know, you look terrible. So I think that's what happens when you grow older though.

You don't care so much about being on trend when you're 40 versus 30. I think, I think it was something you said where you were like, everyone is just wearing. That's brilliant. Oh, what were you gonna say? You said everyone is still dressed in the clothes that were cool when they were 25. I think it's something you said, it was don't grab my diaper booty, stop it.

You're not being nice, everyone's looking at me. You're cutting my balls, you're not being nice. Everyone's looking at me. You're cutting my balls. You're slicing them. Oh, like your sense of style is cut off at 25 and then you just wear that. Yeah, and you're basically like whenever you were young and hip, that's just your style. You know, like, now I'm almost 40, but I'm still wearing like, the

same vintage t shirts I used to wear when I was in my early 20s. Oh, interesting. I haven't like I haven't like elevated my style. Nothing's changed. Well, right now you're not wearing a vintage shirt. You're wearing a button up that you bought. Yeah, this one's this one's actually pretty fresh. Is that a polo?

I think I got it. No, this is the other I think I got it? I think I got it. No, this is the other. I think I got it from, I think I got it from banana Republic. Factory store. Nevermind. What's your next one? Would you rather I don't spend money on clothes because they just get ruined by my child and dog. So there's no reason for me to, I, this shirt at Todd Snyder cost $240.

This shirt at banana Republicder cost $240. This shirt at Banana Republic Factory Outlet is 36 and I get three of them. So there's vomit on the back. Mom's spaghetti. That's right. And it can just, and I can wash it or throw it away. It's fast fashion. That's the best part.

It's disposable chic. And I swear to God, Todd Snyder makes them at the same factory as Banana. You better believe that. They're not different. Yeah, you are wearing a diaper. I can see it peeking out from the inside. And the diaper is a thong, and it's a Todd Snyder diaper. And it's pretty nice.

Thong. It's linen. It's so thin and supportive. It's thinning. Would you rather never be able to lock the door in a public bathroom or never be able to flush? Flush ever? In the public bathroom.

Oh. You never flush, yeah. I would never flush. Yeah. Because if somebody walks in on me at the airport, that's bad and that would happen multiple times. If I don't flush, that's just like, like kind of an asshole move for the person

who comes in after me. Yeah. Like, all right, I'll flush for you. And I'll be like, you don't understand. The alternative was you locking in on me, jingo. Or doing whatever in the bathroom. What the fuck is that for? I mean, for the most part, you'd be,

I feel like you'd be able to close off, like hold the door shut. I mean, especially in a bathroom stall. But you'd have to push, pull it in the door while you're taking a shit. Yeah. It's kind of a hard, you'd have to reach, pull in and wipe at the same time. I think I'd need to find some way to like,

prevent people from coming inside, but I would have to flush. Cause like I've been at like Pilates class where there's like three women who are waiting to use the bathroom after me, but I have to take a shit. And I'm like, if I had to shit and just leave, that would be really embarrassing.

I see those people every day. And? They would know that I was a shitter. And a bad one at that. Yeah. And I guess if the bathroom at that Pilate studio is pretty far from the handle, so someone would definitely walk in on it, which would be rough. I think in some way, like if somebody walks in on me, they're embarrassed.

That's kind of on them. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing, buddy're embarrassed. That's kind of on them. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing, buddy? Ever heard of knocking? Hey, hey, I'm pooping. During the class, by the way, teacher, this guy fucking walked in on me, taking a shart. Yeah, but then like me just not flushing

feels so aggressive to somebody, you know? So I'd rather be, you know, give them a little embarrassment than anger, but you don't always shit. Sometimes it's just pee and that wouldn't be that bad. Okay, well, I don't have to answer these, you do. Would you rather, this is the last one, would you rather-

Really? Yeah. Let's make it count. Would you rather buy a gun or a lizard? Would I have to keep either in my house? Yes. Could I just put either one of them in a safe locked in my closet far, far away, never to access or feed? Right. Yeah, you could do that.

You could definitely kill the lizard or you could make the guns cure. Actually, I wouldn't mind having a fucking AR-15 under my mattress just because shit goes south. Like I don't have any kids in my house. I have to fucking protect my dogs now. Right, that's true. With a fucking assault rifle. Imagine me trying to open my front door

just with the butt of the gun, not even like, not even have it loaded, but just like, hold on, I'm coming, opening it with like the butt, because it's like, I assume there's a little handle that I can latch onto the handle, and then the person opens the door, and I can have a gun while they're there.

It's not illegal to own a gun, right? Well, I mean, I think it is if you don't have the permits, right? You have, I mean, you'd have to figure it out. You'd have to figure it out. You have to get the permit for the lizard too. Yeah. You got to, you have to have your paperwork. Yes.

That's a Komodo dragon. It's technically a mini croc. I had to have it shipped in. In eight loot. And I'll be tall. If only I had a have it shipped in. In eight lutes. And off etal. If only I had a fucking gun. I could have protected my family from the lizard I got. To kill this beast.

I think. God, that's, I could also like turn the lizard into like a cute sort of tank situation. Like a home decor. Could be nice to have a lizard. Yeah, it wouldn't be bad. Yeah. It wouldn't be a bad thing. Having a gun seems, I guess, kind of fun,

but ultimately scary. Having a lizard could be fun, but not scary. Right. The lizard, I feel like the gun, you could put it into deep storage somewhere. Like I could, I think I do the, yeah. Well, I do the safe. There's no, I could take, you could take the ammo out.

You could make it pretty safe. Yeah, and then you probably forget about the gun, the lizard you gotta maintain. Yeah, I don't know how lizards, how long they live for. I think 150 years. Right, maybe you could adopt a senior lizard. Did you ever have like a weird pet like that? Like a hamster or a lizard or a newt or like something like that. I think all of them. I mean, we had so many pets.

We had fish, we had a rabbit, we had mice, we had a hamster. You had mice? Yeah, we had mice. I remember one time we went, me and my sister went to Petco. And my mom was- We just went fucking ham. I made $8 million that summer

and I almost bought the entire place now. I'm fucking, no, I can have all the mice cause I own this fucking ham. I made $8 million that summer and I almost bought the entire place out. I'm fucking, no, I can have all the mice cause I own this Petco. Do you know Info Wars? No, Info Wars, not Info Wars. But we like went inside and my mom said we could get a mouse and we were like- For the computer? No, we really want, me and my sister wanted a mouse.

Older sister. Yeah, me and my sister wanted a mouse. Older sister. Yeah, me and my older sister wanted a mouse and my mom like let us go inside and buy a mouse and we bought two and we asked for a boy and a girl so they would have little mice babies. And they sure did. Having had. And they sure did. They multiplied.

How many? I think we had like eight or nine mice that we kept in a tank in the basement, but my mom didn't know that we'd gotten a boy and a girl because she told us to only get one. So- And she trusted you to go in there and come back? Like what kind of-

I think we might've lied to her and said that we got two boy mice or something. Because I should- What kind of gentle parenting technique is this? I'm gonna let my her and said that we got two boy mice or something. Kind of gentle parenting technique is this. I'm gonna let my five and eight year old into a fucking Petco and then they could come out with whatever they want. Yeah, and then the mice had babies

and then my grandma was trying to like pick the babies up because the father I guess sometimes eats the babies and then the mom mouse bit my grandma. It was really rough. We had to get her, we had to rush her to the ER and I had to use all of my InfoSpace money. Jesus, your grandmother didn't have a health insurance? You had to pay it as a 13 year old?

I was the breadwinner that year because InfoSpace was up to 28 billion market cap. And don't even get me started on ImageX. And now that you're a parent, if Gemma wanted a mouse or a hamster, would you do it or would you like, these are unclean, loud, annoying? Incidentally, I took her to Petco this past weekend because we were in Connecticut and I just wanted to like run an errand with her because she was driving everybody in the house kind of crazy. So we went out. And we went to Petco to buy Dingo. Oh, we had like lost Dingo's ball in the yard. So we went out to buy him a new ball. And at Petco,

I had forgotten that they have like rabbits and fair, live animals, birds and fish. And I thought, I was like, oh my God, Gemma loves, she loves the zoo. She's gonna want one of these animals. And we walked over and she was kind of freaked out. Like I was like, look, this is a hamster. And she was like, go home, go home.

So as in she wanted to free the hamster or she wanted to bring the hamster home to you guys? No, she didn't like being around it. Like she wanted to leave. Oh, she wanted to go home. No, she didn't like being around it. Like she wanted to leave. Oh, she wanted to go home. Yeah, she was like, this is weird. And I agreed. It was pretty sad.

She didn't want to free the animals in some sort of brazen act of eco-terrorism. Yeah, no, she didn't think it was cute. She was like, this is unsettling. And it kind of was. But then we went over to the fish and she thought it was all right. So I guess I would, I think if it would, knowing me, it would be really hard for me to say no to stuff because I'm kind of

a pushover. So if she wanted it, you'd have to figure it out. Especially if I thought it was cute. I mean, I think if she really wanted a bird, I would be like, no, because I don't want a bird, but like, yeah, part of me wants a bunny. So if she really wanted a bunny, I would be like, wow, she really wants this bunny. I think it'll be good for her. She'll learn how to care for something. She'll take care of the bunny.

When I was growing up, our bunny like lived in the garage and we would go like days without seeing it and just my mom would feed it. So like, I don't think it was not great in life. It's the's responsibility. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like we, for Jake and Amir videos,

we used to get animals from Petco, right? Like the rabbit for the homemade jam episode, the toast episode. That's right. Yeah, we would grab animals and we rescued them. That rabbit went to live with a PA. And then wasn't there once where we shot something on Secret Santa day and

gave it to somebody for secret Santa? That's like what is this gift or is that those two separate instances where like somebody got a hamster for secret Santa or something? I'm pretty sure somebody got like a fish for secret Santa. I can't remember. I don't know if that was a Jake and Amir thing or just like a weird office thing which I yeah because I remember being like this is not a gift. It's like great responsibility now. You have to keep this animal alive. Yeah, I feel like it was a betta fish or something. Interesting.

And then we had the tarantula for... Oh yeah, there was the office tarantula for a long time. Amanda Ferry just kept it in the office, right? Yeah, yeah, she just had it on her desk. If Gemma wanted a tarantula, yay or nay? Nay. The other day she picked up one of those like little potato bugs and I was like,

I had to walk away. Cause like her and the nanny were in the backyard and you know, the nanny was like, cool. And she's like, yeah, like you can pick up this bug. Oh, it's bug. And then I'm like, I fucking don't even, like I can't look at it. Put the roly poly in your mouth, Gemma.

It's nature. Yeah, she absolutely would. She did, there's a photo, the other day, she picked up a bee. Jesus. And gave it, and just, she was like playing in the flowers, and then she just like, and our nanny was like, taking a photo of her or a video,

and then she, Gemma turns around, and she's just holding a fucking like massive and like the queen bee, like the huge bumblebee. And you took a pic and she took a picture? I think it was a video like she drops the phone and like goes to get it out of her hands. And it didn't stay here. Oh my God. And I'm like that, she just has no fear.

I think. She doesn't know about bees yet. Yeah and the image of her like holding it is like so unsettling. It's just like my beautiful little daughter, she's smiling and holding this dangerous animal. Jesus, that's awesome. Yeah, with bad ass.

That could be her fucking album cover. This was me at age two, harnessing the power of a queen bee. Yeah, that's true. That's why I am the Queen Bee. And my album name is Queen G. I like that. She's a rapper in this universe and you'll never guess who's producing the shit. Mayor Blumenfeld.

DJ SchmooMoo. All right, those were the would you rathers. I think they sparked some interesting debate and conversation. Yeah, I enjoyed myself. And I know everyone listening did too. Oh, I should have said earlier, play along at home too. Yeah, I hope you did. I hope you didn't just sit on the sidelines. Yeah. And if you need to, you can re-listen to this episode and play along at home.

And if you want some brand new more content featuring slash starring us. We're still making Jake and Amir watch Jake and Amir on our Patreon. Right on Patreon.com. Yeah, patreon.com slash J.A. Yeah. And as always, we'll be back here next Monday. Thank you for listening, everybody.

You know it. Ciao for now. That was a Hidgum original. Hey, gorge, it's me Got Mech. And me Violet Tchotchky. That was a Headgum Original. and diving into all things fashion, hookups, gossip, and more. With past guests such as Heidi Klum and Deedavon T's, No Gorge always keeps things hot. Listen to No Gorge on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday. Bye Gorge!