If I Were You - 85: I Really Don’t Care, Do You?

Episode Date: July 7, 2025

In this episode we discuss aging, lizards, and movie stars.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. I Meet you two pathetic hoes. Segments. I went to the dentist yesterday. Ask me anything. Welcome to Segments. We are back on another Summer Monday. This is a podcast that's sort of a little left of center, but we're starting to drift more conservative as the days go on as the temperatures heat up.

Uh, we are your hosts. I'm Amir that's Josh Horowitz. Uh, yes, yes, yes. We're here to talk about, yeah, anything you guys want to chime in with, phone calls. We're here to ask questions. And we're not, we're left of center viewing independent thinkers.

I am MAGA legally, I should say. Registered, I am Republican, and I have been voting Republican. I have been voting as such, I have been voting Republican. I have been voting as such. I've been voting in kind. Registered sex offender slash Republican. Leading left. I retain the right to be independent

if I feel like it's a compelling argument from the world. And as far as the dental, I'll ask if you had any cavities? That's actually none of your business, Blumenfeld. It's not any of your business at all. What happens to me at the dentist is my prerogative, and it's my private, it's my healthcare. That is my dental health that you're asking about.

It's offensive. Asking is literally a HIPAA violation. And I have, since this is being recorded, grounds to sue. Yeah, that was harassment. It borders on libel. The fact that you even brought up the dentist. What that's supposed to mean, like my teeth are rotting? Yeah.

Like I have a bad smile? Like I have a crooked bite in nine cavities and two baby teeth that won't fall out? Like my wisdom tooth disappeared and now it's coming through the roof of my mouth? Like I have an incisor came out of my lip? Like I have an impact by Cuspid and an expander and I swallowed the key? Is that what you're asking? Like I have gingivitis that spread to my eye. Is that what you're implying?

I have more tartar than enamel at this point. It looks like a crudely constructed old ancient Roman wall in my mouth. Things are stiff and crumbling at the same time. It is Tata King Khamen's tomb in there. How was it? What was it? Is there anything of note? I'm literally, I don't want to talk about it anymore. Okay, because you brought it up.

Yeah, I thought it was interesting. But you've made such a meal of it that I feel like we have to move on. And speaking of meals, I can't have hard food for a week. Yes. I need to drink my nutrients going forward and backward. I should have already been on this diet for a month. Yeah, I was in such bad shape that I got a mouth cleaning and an enema Explain that I need to gain weight that to me like I'm five

Because I do have baby teeth coming out like I am five I Thought for our first segment it would be fun to invite an old friend of ours back. Who's that? I actually don't know if you're in contact with him anymore. It's the Game Boy. Oh. Yeah. Wait, holy shit. Jake left to get somebody. I feel like, I don't know if he's in the room

with us anymore. Or if he just had to just completely. Oh! Oh! Did you say game? Oh! Well, I did say your full name Game Boys, but I guess that includes the word game, yeah.

Oh! Now I kinda regret inviting you back. I forgot you wore a hat like that. I'm ready to play the game. Oh! So the way we used to play the game. Oh! So the way we used to play the game with the Game Boy is to search a phrase in our email box, tens of thousands of emails for a word

that only appears once. That's right. But we don't have that email box anymore. What I thought we could do is use the Jake and Amir script archive, which has every word ever spoken in 827 episodes slash behind the scenes videos slash branded content clips that we posted online. That's pretty good.

And each word gold. Each word is gold, but many words appear more than once. The name of the game, the goal of the game, the goal of the name is to say slash guess a word that only appears once. Once, a whole in once we call it. Right, like for instance, I know that I shouldn't guess the word humster because in The Jake and the Mirror where we say humster, I think you say it twice.

Oh, interesting. I was gonna count that because it was only found in one episode, though it's a little bit cheating because like only, I was thinking of like general words, not words that you know only appear once. Do you know what a humpster is? Yeah, that one appeared in Vegan, which came out on January 24th, 2011.

But yeah, that would be a whole in once. And we never said it again? Yeah. Okay. Give me a word that's more vague slash general than that. but yeah, that would be a hole in once. And we never said it again? Yeah. Okay. Give me a word that's more vague slash general than that. Banter. Banter, okay. Searching banter.

Oh, really close. Wow. Two. That's interesting, yeah. I couldn't remember, I was like, trying to think of it, I was like, I don't think we've ever said the word banter, but I bet in 800 episodes we said it once. Wow, one of them is just in scene direction.

Really? Yeah. So we didn't even say it. We only said it out loud in, let's see, I'll say this line and you see if you can get it. You're an idiot, Jake says. You can't even have regular political banter with us.

Mouth is full. Oh, is that WikiLeaks? Yes, very good. Nice. Julian Assange. And I say, well, explain it to me. And you say, you're beyond hope, dude. You're beyond that.

And Sarah goes, Jake, come on, explain it to him. And Jake says, you want to do it? Good luck. And I said, ha ha, who's Julian Assange? And Jake says, right want to do it? Good luck. I said, who's Julian Assange? Jake says, right off the bat, he doesn't even know who this chick is. That's good. Then you say, here's a tip. Here's a little tip for you right now. Teach a man to fish. You don't know who someone is, take your phone, type his name into Google, Julian Assange, right?

My phone doesn't have service right now, but if I did, I'd be able to tell you who it is in two seconds. That's good stuff. Nearly a flawless guess, okay. I think it's a flawless guess because what's the other banter one? That's me in the C direction.

Yeah, in Mother's Day, I guess at one point, we banter and mumble to each other, and then there's more banter. It's like improvised babbling. Okay, well, so that doesn't count because this is a fan script archive that is not scripted by us. Yeah.

Scripted by us, we literally say banter once. The other video doesn't say, I won the game. Oh, I won the game. It's a no hitter, but it's not quite a perfect game. Yes, it is. He let someone on base. Cause there are two results. It did yield two results. Fine. Then you ruined my perfect game

by even having that in there. That's an error. That's not a base on balls. That's not, that was an error. Yeah, but that still ruins a perfect game. It really has to be one result, 27 up, 27 down. That's so fucked. All right, what's your word?

My word is humster. No. Which I said was against the rule, but thinking back on it might not be so. I'll say constipated. Okay. You think we ever used constipated? Constipated.

Hold on, didn't spell it right. That's okay. You're just trying to ruin the game for me. This is fucked. Ha ha ha ha ha but again it's in scene direction. I win. If this is how a winner is crowned, this is there. All right, all right, all right.

Scene direction doesn't count for a winner, obviously. It's gotta be a liner that don't only appear. All right, I'll read to you the quote. Amir says, see if you can wrap your twat around this one. It's a psychedelic black light poster for a little band I like to call The Grateful Dead. Pulls a constipated, then parentheses, pulls a constipated looking face., pulls a constipated looking face.

Yeah, okay, that doesn't count. I respond and I say, that's a really horrible face. And none of these ideas have been original, okay? It sounds like you just want to open a poster store. So it's poster ideas. What about Vortex? Vortex? See if you can wrap your cock around that.

Well, it's my turn first. Oh yeah, I that. All right, well it's my turn first. Oh yeah, I guess you're right. It's literally my turn now. Of course. Okay, okay. Balloon. Balloon, three. Two of them seen direction, I bet.

One of them seen direction, one of them is, you say the line, oh no, I wrap, oh no the line, I know I rap, oh no, boom, pee pee in your bed, like a water balloon exploded in your head. No problem son, a lot of adults wear diapers to sleep, not a peep, tell no one about your liquidatious, the hell, I guess that was in an episode called voicemail. Interesting, no recollection of that.

And then in hygiene you say, you're not gonna fuck anybody. It looks like you sat on a water balloon filled with chili. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you shit your pants. Oh yeah. It's the, I don't give a flaming fart.

Yeah. Pretty good. All right. Good stuff. What was yours in Vortex? Yeah. I have a good feeling about Vortex. Good feeling for me.

Zero episodes, Bozo. That's pretty much a win. Not really. How about the word ironclad? One word? There's no way. It's not a one word thing. I can search ironclad as a duo.

Give me iron. Give me iron. Iron. Two! Bam! I cast iron skillet to the back of the head. Oh. Yeah.

And it's called pump, six months of pumping iron for this moment. For this one, yeah, for this moment. Muscle tea and grilled jizz sandwiches. I know it's when you go home to see your parents, is it like Thanksgiving break or something like that? Yeah, it's called break. Nice.

Two pretty iconic iron themed lines. And guys, you can search the script archive yourself at scripts.jaconamir.com. Thanks to everybody that transcribed and thanks to Garrett Boatman who rebuilt this recently. Yeah, shout out. It works like a dream. It's, there's a Cadillac engine under the hood here.

I mean, my God, it's really good. What about Grape? Wow, it's got a full list of episodes. Yeah. You have to fucking respect this. This is incredible. Yeah, search the word Grape. Yeah, wow.

Yeah, just the word Grape at this point, thank you. Just the word Grape, yeah, one second. Grape, zero. word grape at this point, thank you. Just the word grape, yeah, one second. Grape, zero. You suck at this. We never said grape in any episode. That's hard to believe, but okay. Orange, if you're so fruit-focused. 95.

What do you see if we ever see? No way. Eight. I guess that's, yeah, I shouldn't have done orange because it's a color as well. Yeah, yeah. I should have done clementine. It looks like you bit into a glass of orange juice,

your butt is clear and orange, what blood type are you? Oh, there's also one in poster ideas, orange juice and soda water, you just pinched me orange. You just pinched me orange soda. You wanna know what's fucked? Because after I said orange, you said eight, I was like, I should have said Clementine. I just looked up Clementine for fun.

One, indeed one. Wow, you could have cheated and just said Clementine. But you know, technically this isn't even a Jake Lamire because it's the one called password. Oh, I see. With Paul and Will. That's right, he does say, I eat a clementine. It ends with Paul saying, is this a clementine? Then scene direction, Will frightened,

begins making ape noises. Solid app that nobody else liked. Give me the word heater. Heater? Heater. H-E-E-D-E-R? No, obviously not, H-E-A-D-E-R? No, obviously not. H-E-A-T-E-R. Oh, heater.

Yeah. You said heater. Okay, none. The fuck? Of course none. Never heard that word in my fucking life. Like a heater? Let's think about...

I gotta go more obvious, like a hatch or something. Right. Let's try... I have one that would win, but it's just because it's an iconic line. Yeah. But just show me conch. Conch is indeed one, but yeah, that's kind of cheating.

Pass me the conch. Pass me the conch. Let me search jowly. Do we say that ever? Yeah, and your jowly face. Yeah, that's my favorite. Old pussy. Okay, daffodil.

No way. Right? No way we ever say that. There's no way. I barely know how to spell it. That's a really bad guess. Like even if it wins, like it's not. So is heater.

So is heater. Heater is a thing, it's like the opposite of an air conditioner. Uh, zero. Yeah. Yeah. Right, I know. Okay, give me another one. Cooperation.

Interesting. Zero. No, great, no cooperation? How many episodes did we make? How about Frank? That's pretty good. Thanks. Three.

Yeah. What are they? All right, let me just be Frank. Let's just be Frank, all right? Oh wait, script notes. I say Frank the Tank when someone says Will Ferrell, I doubt he can be in this, and I go Frank the Tank when someone says Will Ferrell, I doubt he can be in this and I go Frank the Tank. Okay.

And set me up, I say, all right, let's just be Frank, all right, I want one thing and one thing only, a one night stand. I remember that one. Sand. Sand? Tell me we fucking said sand. Is that one where we say sand?

Five. God, okay, better than zero. Jesus Christ. Sand? Tell me we fucking said sand. Is that one where we say sand? No, five. God, okay, better than zero. Jesus Christ. The first time we say it is a slur. That makes sense, yeah. Yeah, a really early episode, but still. Absolutely, but still. Okay, we're running out of time for this segment,

so we might have to call your initial guess a win, but let's give it two more attempts. Which was carousel. Carousel. Carousel. Zero. Yeah, I know. Arouse.

Zero. Plaintiff. Zero. Suspicion. Zero. Colonel. Zero. Physical. Zero. Physical.

Five. Fuck. Quench. Zero. Musician. One. Oh my God. Out of my ass.

I literally pulled that out of my ass. And it's funny because it's not even supposed to be there. It's a mispeak, kind of. I literally pulled that out of my ass. And it's funny because it's not even supposed to be there. It's a misspeak, kind of. It's offensive, borderline the slur. I'd say, congratulations, you're the world's first R-word musician. And then you say, musician or magician? Kiss for the musician? That's fun.

Magic trick. Oh, and it came out on Avital's birthday, 2009. Wow. It was fate. I can't believe we only said musician once. And never, we said it and it was perfect, so we decided to never say it again. We retired that word.

Okay, let's take. We said the R word a lot. Oh, 311. Okay, let's take a break, come back, and do some more segments. All right. Thank you to SAILI for sponsoring this episode of our show. SAILI, that's S-A-I-L-Y.

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Correct. Right. Thank you, SAILI. LOSERS! And we're back. Yes, we are. We are. Here and you know what?

Normally, you've been selling a lot of ads. Yeah. Making cash on the side. I'm trying to monetize this show in kind of unique and interesting ways, selling some branded opportunities to companies that want you to read these weird, frankly odd ads. And I've taken the liberty of doing the same.

Oh. Because I need to wet my beak. Where's my piece of the pie? You know? So I've done some cold emails, some outreach, and I've been able to sell a few ads myself. Interesting. The copy actually just hit your inbox

if you're down to give them a read So these are companies you found for ads that you've sold and is this copy you've written or is it based on talking? I've approved the copy. We've worked in tandem my agent manager and lawyer and PR assistant not the PR principal but the PR principal Did get sign off. So my team, my legal team, agent, manager, assistant, has seen all of this. Okay, so I'm reading, yeah, I'll be reading this cold,

but you've already been sort of hacking away. I've worked on this, yeah. Well, my team. And is it one ad, two ads? It's two ads. Okay, so I guess let's start with the first ad that you've sold. Cool.

I hope it's worth it. This episode of Segments is brought to you by Rocket Money. No, it's fucking not. Huh? Rocket Money can suck my small dick. Well, why? Because I have a different sponsor. It's called Light Taint.

Light Paint? Taint. As in, grundle, as in, gooch, as in, this tech isn't just wearable. It's insertable. It's tech? Who said anything about tech? You did. Well, I meant it.

Have you ever had a Fitbit? I don't think so. Really? Have you not? Wow, I thought the answer would have been yes. It's fine. What's the talking point? I could have sworn I saw you in a Fitbit.

Like 09. Did you ever have one even for if only a brief while? I don't know. I feel like it doesn't matter. Light paint is essentially... Taint. Excuse me? I thought it was paint earlier

and then you scolded me. You said it was taint. What I'm trying to say is that this is a Fitbit that you wear rectally. Got it. So it's like a Fitbit that you put in your ass. Not like a Fitbit. It's literally a Fitbit.

So it's not a new product. The only new idea is that it's worn anal style. What are you selling? The idea. That's why I needed to know if you had an old Fitbit. Dip shit. There we go. Thank you. Who did you sell that to? Thank you, Light Taint. That one was for Light Taint. And thanks, Light Taint. There's no like coupon. Hold on, let's just get the end nice and, let's get the end nice and clean so it'll cut in.

Thanks, Light Taint. Okay? There's no, is there not a coupon? Of course not, because it's just an idea of shoving a watch up your ass. Yeah. It's not a, it's barely. It should be a CT, right?

We're supposed to have a code. I'll get my team on that and we might have to retake that. Yeah. Is it okay if my manager emails your agent manager and lawyer? I don't have one. Okay. I don't have one.

I'll have my team get in touch. Yeah. I'll have them email me directly. Okay. Let's get onto, we have got two ads here. There's two mid roll slots. So let's go ahead. And these have to be baked in.

Not dynamically inserted. I'm talking about the Fitbit. Oh Jake, you want a free lizard? No. Good, cause I have one that costs money. I mean, I don't want any lizard. Not even if I told you it costs more than a Honda CRV. Especially then, that's like a $30,000 lizard.

50. So that's a lot more than a CRV. The base model. Once you start customizing it, it's just the price a little higher. Fine. Why is it so expensive? Because it's not just any old lizard. It has features you wouldn't believe, which is why I won't waste my time describing them.

So you're not even going to try to sell the lizard to our fans? I shouldn't have to. The reptile sells itself. Do you want to know the best part? Sure. The price. How is that the best part? If I can sell it at that number, I would be rich. Not that rich. Wow, you privileged little prick. Okay, fair. But yeah, you're admitting the lizard isn't worth 50k. I bought the little Godzilla wannabe for 18 bucks at a mall. I invested money in the tank and I only had $40 and so on crickets to feed the little guy go fuck.

So that's less than 50 all in. No, it's not less than 50 all in. Sounds like you're already over 50. And if I can flip it for 50K or more, that gives me a net profit. That's frankly gross. No one is gonna buy it. Then explain why I bought 14 more.

Because you're dumb. Thank you. And scene. So this one's about- I'd say it was more of a sketch. Yeah, this one is me selling a lizard that I had, that I bought, that I'm trying to make a profit off of. Yeah, right. You know, so I wrote one commercial and one Jake and Amir. Technically two Jake and Amir's really,

just me selling different things. Yeah, that's true. Although the first one should be more garment related and less Fitbit, but still tech from 2008. Yeah, right, that's true. That's a Tom Tom. I think we did have Fitbits at IAC. Yeah, it was a classic holiday gift in the early aughts.

Yeah, I remember we got have Fitbits at IAC. Yeah, it was a classic holiday gift in the early aughts. Yeah, I remember we got the Fitbits one year and then like after we left, everybody got Apple TVs. It's like they really upgraded the gifts. Yeah, I'd rather watch movies than sort of track my heart rate or see how many steps I walked. Right, especially if it's like, it feels like Barry Diller was using the Fitbits

to track us, right? Yeah, a lot of people. You have to imagine. The people who walked the least that year were fired. Okay, give me a number. One through 700. Okay, 698. Okay. 698, wow.

Thank you. Actually Wow. Thank you. Actually, really thank you. I just sent you the 698th episode of Jake and Amir, which aired in 2011. Okay. Called Hot Date, presented by Gears of War 3. That was incredible. It was probably our best episode yet.

I was like thinking it'd be fun to read a Jake and Amir cold, but this is maybe one of the worst Jake and Amir's that's ever existed. Yeah, Cliff Blizinski, of course. Cliff Blizinski and Marissa Miller. We had to do Spon Con with them. The idea being that I was on a date with Marissa Miller,

the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. And she, and I'm blowing the date, and she gets excited because over my shoulder, she sees the Gears of War creator, Cliff Blaczynski. But she couldn't quite say his name. She kept, yeah, the premise was that he's so cool and famous that Marissa Miller, the swimsuit model, wants to be with him and she couldn't say his name right.

She kept calling him Cliff Blinky. Oh my God, that's Cliff Blinky. Yeah. Oh, that's Cliff Blizinski. Yeah, just Blizinski. So remember, you're a huge fan and you gotta say, Blizncky. And then her boyfriend kept on coming over

and propping her boobs up higher and pulling her shirt down. It was very weird stage mom energy. Problematic stage mom. You know, I'm on Marissa Miller's Instagram. It looks like she's leading an awesome mom life. Good for her. Yeah.

She was really nice. I wonder if she remembers any of that day. I think they flew us out to LA for it, right? I think, yeah. I might have been living there already, but either way, it was a big deal for us. And we you know what, maybe I wasn't living there yet. I'm not sure. But I remember we like we had several day shoots,

including one with Marissa Miller and Cliff Blizn. I wonder how Cliff Blizn Blizn is doing. We watched this for our Patreon, right? We watched and dissected this video through and through about how terrible it was. Yeah, yes we did. All right, cool. We certainly did. Okay, I have another segment, but let's take a break,

come back and do this third segment that I've been sitting on for weeks, but we're finally have the time to get to. Sick. ["Assholes"] And we've returned, okay. Yes, yes. Sick. And we've returned. Okay. Yes, yes. This segment is based on the jacket Melania Trump wore

during the first Trump presidency that said, I don't really care. Do you? Do you? Yeah. So I'm gonna give you some topics that are in the news and you have to tell me, do you really care? Or is it more of a, I don't really care, do you situation?

Do you? Yeah. Okay, yeah, that sounds fun. So are you aware slash familiar with this Jeff Bezos wedding in Venice? Yes, kind of. I'm aware that he's, I don't know exactly what he's doing.

I'm aware he's getting married in Venice in a very, very big ceremony and the people of Venice don't want him there. Yeah, it's a very, very expensive wedding, billionaires flying in, sort of taking over the town and the locals are trying to sabotage it. Do you really care about Jeff Bezos getting married in Venice?

That's interesting. I guess I remember to use the phrase if you don't really care. I think he sucks. And I saw like a paparazzi image of him like walking and he's wearing like kind of skin tight white pants. So I think it's pretty funny how much he cares about being cool. But I don't think I ultimately care.

So I don't really care, do you? Nah, probably not really. I mean, it's fun to hear the stories of the sabotage but ultimately it's just another billionaire getting married. I'm sure they've done worse. Yeah, I don't care if it goes well or not. But it is funny that they're sabotaging it in unique, interesting ways,

like inflatable crocodiles and little things to sort of ruin the canal and vision of his, the background of his wedding and stuff like that. Yeah, that's nice. I mean, if you're, it, god, I guess you just like, as you get richer, you lose more and more self-awareness. Right, he's like, I'm rich and I'm gonna spend

several tens of millions of dollars on the wedding. People can't be mad at that. Well, they, I mean, they can if you kind of like, I get mad sometimes when I like walk down the street and there's like a movie set and somebody makes me walk in the bike lane. So like, you can't get mad at that. If it was happening in New York, I'd be annoyed.

Yeah, exactly. Actually, I might do the inflatable alligator thing in the LA River as sort of like a little mini protest to the Venice Canal. Yeah, it's mostly stones that river. Yeah, or I could put it in the Venice Canals out here. Okay. Oh, there you go.

The F1 movie starring Brad Pitt is coming out. And it's already out by the time this episode gets released. So, the F1 movie. I watched the trailer and it looks cool. Like it was interesting to me to see like Brad Pitt is like up there on the trailer standing next to Max Verstappen. I didn't realize they were using like real drivers

and I know they shot some of it at real races. So I think it'll be cool. I also wanted to see Mission Impossible in theaters and I still haven't. It's kind of hard to get out of the house. So I feel like while I care a little bit or I think that I'd like to see it, I won't. But I still have to say I care. I think I care a little bit. I think there I'd like to see it, I won't. But I still have to say I care.

I think I care a little bit. I think there's a piece of me that's excited for it to come on video so I can watch it in my house. Yeah, yeah, I care about this movie. I wanna see it. It just, there's not a lot of Brad Pitt acting cool movies left in the tank. And this is like, you know, he's over 60

doing cool racing stuff. I saw Mission Impossible as well, but this is sort of a nice dessert to that. Cool. Yeah. What are we gonna do when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are gone? I think, I guess we'll just AICGI, put them in everything still, right?

Or they're hoping that Glenn Powell becomes that, but I'm skeptical. That's not gonna happen for him, sadly. Yeah, maybe at Hemsworth or two. Yeah, there's just not gonna be any stars like that ever again, I don't think. Waymo is inching closer to being in Manhattan. They signed up for this permit,

they're trying to change a law that says you have to have two hands on a steering wheel, and they are getting to the point where it seems like it's inevitable. The Waymos are coming, the Waymos are coming. Yeah, I care. I definitely care about that. I ride my bike on the streets.

I, like we're still in New York, Gemma will be riding one someday. So, I think I care. And is it a positive, a negative? What are you hoping happens with the Waymos? I don't know. I guess I, without And is it a positive, a negative? What are you hoping happens with Waymos? I don't know. I guess I, without knowing anything about it, I would hold out hope that it could be good.

Cause what's the concern that it takes jobs away from like Uber drivers, but those companies kind of take advantage of those people anyway. And those companies ruin like the tax economy. Traffic is garbage here. It's quite literally a nightmare being on the streets. Did they keep that congestion thing that's happening? Yeah, and it has made driving,

the streets are better in Manhattan and kind of worse everywhere else because so many people are using all of the roads to avoid congestion pricing. Interesting. But I do like riding my bike down Broadway. Okay, so you do care, but we'll see what happens. And you're not quite sure if-

I care, I'm skeptical. Yeah, they do a bad job with everything. So I'm skeptical, but I think something needs to happen traffic-wise. Cooper Flag, the number one draft pick, is from Maine. One of the first few basketball players ever from Maine, and by far the greatest one ever. He might be like a top 20 all-time player

when all is said and done, and he's from Maine. Cooper Flag is a Mainer. I feel like I care more that his name is Cooper. Because that's your middle name. Yeah, I like Maine, but I don't care at all, do you? Yeah, I think it's kind of interesting because you rarely get a Maine basketball player. They're all seemingly from pockets of Washington, DC,

Seattle, LA, Texas, Chicago, international and out of the fucking blue comes this guy from Maine. Maine. A Mayner. An absolute Maine event. And he's also one of the youngest players in the NBA now, still supposed to be one of the best, so it'll be interesting to see if he represents Maine

in a feign Wayne. Yeah. Okay, lastly, you are turning 40 in a month. Yeah. I guess that's an interesting one. The Cooper flag one or? Yeah, I mean, now that I'm thinking about it, is he from Bangor or is he from Augusta?

Just outside Portland. Is it Kenny Bunk? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I think I, like I wanna say that I don't care, but I've had like a few times this month as it's getting closer where I'm like,

oh, I wanna do this before my 40th or this is gonna happen and I'll be 40 for this like life event and stuff. So I think it's on my mind. I think I care a little bit. I don't know if I care about making it special, but I care about the milestone and marking it somehow. Yeah, I remember when you turned,

feeling a certain way as it passes. When you turned 25 or was it 30, were you having some sort of existential crisis and dread about it? I had an existential crisis at 25. Interesting. So maybe the next one will be not till 50. I think hopefully not. Maybe 45 though I could see that one coming on. Yeah, because at 45 you're like, this is like fucking 45. This is a big fucking deal.

Yeah. I mean, it helps having things to distract me. At 25, I feel like there just wasn't enough going on. And you're like, what the hell am I doing? And I over thought everything or something. Yeah. But there's enough happening now. There's definitely enough. What were you hoping to do by the time you were 40? Cause you basically are running out of days here.

You have four weeks. Yeah, by the time I'm 40, I was hoping to be in the best shape of my life. Okay. But I don't think I can beat the shape that I was in at 36. What was 36? The pandemic?

It was, yeah, it was pandemic. Cause like I was always working out, but I always had to fly to LA and I would travel. And I think I'd just gotten like my foot surgery that year. So I was, I was like in recuperation mode, in recuperating mode, but I couldn't like commit to recovery because I was traveling so much. And then we went into lockdown and I just started doing

home workouts and I worked out every single day. And it felt great. But how do you quantify like best shape? It seems like kind of subjective. I guess it is, but I felt like I liked the way I looked the most then. I felt like my body was the most agile and the best version of it.

Oh, interesting. Like I was skinnier for my wedding. But was not dangerous. I was a better climber at 27. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely under-eight for like an entire year. I was like 153 pounds. It was. Soaking pounds. It was.

Soaking wet. Blonkers. Yeah. Yeah. And now you're what? 203, 205. You gained 50 pounds. 220.

You can bench press 300. 10 wheels. Okay, so you do care about 40, but you're not. I think so. Did you care about your 40? I think I kept making jokes about turning 40s for so often that I'd already felt 40 by the time 40 happened.

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. And then I blinked and now I'm 42. Right. I don't know what to even think about that. Do they feel like less of a milestone? Are you thinking about 50 now, or are you like age doesn't matter? No, I'm not thinking about 50 yet.

Although my brother's turning 50, which is like, that's like a real grownup age. It's like, yeah, I remember my parents at 50. Yeah, that's crazy. I remember when my mom was 35. Really? Or yeah, yeah, I do. I think she had me when she was like 29.

Oh wow, so you remember like your mom's 35th birthday. I don't, yeah, I remember, I remember. It was in Venice. Didn't she like rent out the whole city and a bunch of people complained. That's right. I remember getting in trouble because I think somebody asked her like we're at the mall and somebody asked her how old she was. He said she was 35. And I was like, Mom, you're 37. Mom, you're 37. Like she forgot.

Mom, you're 37. Like she forgot. You fucking little troll. Yeah. Little fucking twerp. You piece of shit. If Gemma did that to you, you'd yank her arms so fucking fast, you would scream at her. Yeah.

You would lose your shit. Never. She's getting to the age now where she will repeat stuff that we say. So we have to spell names. Not swearing is fine. But if we're talking about somebody, I think the worst thing in the world would be like,

you're talking shit about some friend of yours and then they come over and then Jeb will repeat something that you said. Jeb's a piece of shit.. Jeff's a piece of shit. Jeff's a piece of shit. Whoa, I don't know. Jeff's lazy. She must have picked that up at a fucking bluey concert.

That's right. Uncle Jeff is lazy, but this is different, Jeff. That's different, Jeff. Now you specifically meant this one. You told me a picture talking is Where'd you get all these words? All right, that was I really don't care do you do you Shout out to you guys for listening. If you want more of us, we are on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. watching Jake and Amir in the Gears of War video and about 500 other ones.

You have to go, just join the Patreon so you can watch us watch the Gears of War. We should have got. The hot date. We should have got fucking blinky for that episode. I don't know why we were sleeping on them. We should have. I wonder hot date. We should have got fucking blinky for that episode. I don't know why we were, we were sleeping on them. We should have. I wonder if he remembers us.

No. And we will be, of course be back next week. So we will hear from you then. Yeah. Thanks for listening everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum original. Hi there, my name is Allison Williams. If you know who I am at all, it would probably

be thanks to my job as an actress on shows like Girls and in movies like Megan. Recently, when I was having a moment of gratitude for my group chat, I thought, I wish everyone could have these geniuses at their fingertips like I do. Well, now you do. Hi, Hi, it's Hope. Hey babe, it's Jamie. Hey, babe. It's Jamie. Welcome to our podcast, Landlines, where we share our life-sustaining and shame-extinguishing friendship. We have known each other and we've been friends for a very long time. Hope was my first best friend, but it wasn't mutual.

I mean, what's the story of my life? I distinctly remember calling her on the phone and asking if she'd sit next to me on the bus and she said maybe. At least she didn't say no. Maybe he's meaner. Maybe he's like discerning. When I was pregnant I started this group chat to prepare and crowd source and it's been such a delight to troubleshoot with our friend group. And we just had this thought, should we invite other people into our group chat?

I'm a therapist. I'm a trained early childhood educator. And I'm, well, you know, whatever I am, I guess someone who has the vibe of having it all together. And still the three of us find it hard to be moms, partners, friends, family members, professional women, and just, you know, adults. The stuff we're talking about, whatever the recent fight was with our partner or the parenting concern we have or a funny thing with our kids or it's like, what's going on with my body? I feel like I have like a family of squirrels living in my lower abdomen.

Like I feel affirmed, I feel normalized, I feel like I'm not going fucking crazy. And I had to talk it out with you guys with different perspectives and different identities that you're juggling. Totally. Lifelong friendship has been our lifeline. We sincerely hope our conversation makes you feel less alone in whatever you're going through. So subscribe to landlines on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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