If I Were You - 86: Instagram (with Hoodie Allen)

Episode Date: June 30, 2014

Rapper/Friend Hoodie Allen joins us to discuss social media, jealousy, and of course, prostitution.This episode is brought to you by LootCrate.com! An epic monthly subscription box for geeks and gamers for under $20.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, realer than she's sharper than hermonic If you ask a question, you best hope it's not maronica They'll laugh and lose the advice like rich guys forget gratuity Yet in your L.Y. do what they are and you get some jewelry They call Jake the pinch, he must be a pinch of salt Cause he makes the girls so thirsty when they grab his pole to follow In a mirror, like a mirror, have deflections They're superior to your mommies or daddies

So please just feel inferior to these theories and the hearing Never bias at your hearing, never guards all your silly I'm just fumbling queries, I pray to Jake in a mirror But in answer, never do I hear it But I still believe in them, like drunk men believe in spirits We're just cocaine or ladies, out the way the better than blow Beginning or ending, it doesn't matter if I were you, show That was me, really

I remember when the concept of timing and precision, you were like, I'm never gonna do this I hate to burst your bubble, that wasn't Jake Oh really? Did you really think it was me? I really thought that was you That's the nicest thing, that's a really good compliment But now, think about that, that doesn't make sense, you could never do that I don't have innate rhythm, I don't have a sense of timing

I really, like I can't even clap and do We Will Rock You Tell people that was you, because I It's already off, right? We will, I lost it I lost it after two weeks That was actually a fan named Garrett Garrett That's right

Opening every show with an original theme song and that one was written by our fan, Garrett That one was Garrett Yeah, I think that was great for Jake Garrett does a great Jake Garrett does a pretty good Garrett, but he does a fucking great Jake How would you rate that, you know, as a Rapsmith yourself, what would you grade that one? How would you feel about Amir saying Rapsmith, as a rapper? Well, no, no, a rapper, right?

A musician, an artist Yeah Amir says Rapseter and Rapsmith Yeah I like Rapseter Or what about Rapscallion Rapscallion, like, yeah Yeah, it's really bad

Makes you feel like a chameleon Yeah Like a dirty rascal A bagel What? Oh, like Scallions Like Scallion, not bagel Yeah

It's a Scallion rap, actually Garrett gets an A- for me That's really great Just because I want to encourage him to continue pushing to be better Yeah, but you do know that he could be better A little room for improvement There's always room for improvement, we can always learn from each other You know?

So Hoodie, just to introduce you to some of our fans who might still, for whatever reason, not know you You are, how would you, how would you, I don't want to, like, misspeak or misrepresent you But you're a rapper Yeah, I rap, I sing, and I've made three glorious appearances on Jake and Amir So what else do you need to know? That's right, Rap Teacher 1, 2, and 3 And 3, we decided to keep it going in sequential order Not to confuse everyone

Rap Teacher 1, 2, and 7 So that was a little weird Well, it's like Star Wars, we started with 4, 5, 6 Right We're gonna do 1, 2, 3 You played, you played my rap teacher on the show I did And then you played my rap teacher on the show

Right No, no loyalty How did that happen? You tell us it ain't loyal These rapsters ain't loyal How did this start? Do you remember what the beginning was? Like, how did we meet Hoodie?

Yeah, I remember Oh yeah, so do I Let's see if we can both tell the story Because it's sort of like a how we met story Yeah Jake, your brother listened to my music And he recommended my music to you And you may have said something nice to me on Twitter

In which return I said, oh, I like you too Let's take this weird friendship to IRL and see what happens And then we, and then you got involved and messed it all up Right But yeah, no That was perfect for a little while We had you on our show, but you have yet to have us on your, I guess, albums Like, I would love to be a get like, you know how when

Rapsters have other rapsters on the show But what about when like there's like comedians who open up rap albums Like, hasn't, what about Skits? No, have you ever considered doing Skits? Skits? The albums don't have Skits, do they? No, I mean, they totally could This is a great gesture and I super appreciate it

That being said, I'd love to rap on your album I don't want to do a skit I don't, if you didn't invite us, we didn't invite you to our show to do rapping We invited you to do comedy, and thus, we're so kind of being able to do both Rap, that'd be kind of great Yeah I guess he does rap on our show Hoodie only raps his answers

Oh, the entire, that's the hardest thing ever Yeah, because that has to be advice, rhyming advice, freestyle And I also just told him that I had this idea Yeah, you don't necessarily have to do it Though it might be a fun little game to play Either way, let's at least explain what the show is It's an advice podcast, it's called the 5Review Show It's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us

I'm Amir I'm Jake And uh, yeah, we have Hoodie on I'm Hoodie, bitch First team, bitch I hope people know it because I'm gonna be so proud Um, so people email us and we, you know, try to answer some questions and give people advice Well, I know this because

Yeah, obviously When I was just on tour, I would listen to the podcast in my bunk Wow Sometimes it helped me go to sleep Is that, I don't know if that's a compliment or not It is, because like, you know, when you're listening to like your soothing voices, it just allows me to Oh, yeah That's really nice

Just make it real nice Yeah, you could be out there like fingering all of your fans, but instead you were just Yeah In your bunk Well, I, ah, I was gonna go too far over the words I like that you have more self-restraint than Jake does already You've only been on the show for six minutes and you're already exercising self-restraint more than Jake I have a filter, I really do

There's some stuff I won't say A pop filter Speaking of soothing voices, I'm really excited to be using these new microphones What do you think so far, Jake? Um, yeah, honestly, I didn't even notice What are you talking about, dude? It looks like the old mic No, they don't

Is this an endorsement, Jake? We're getting paid by whatever these mics are They're the names right here Worst endorsement ever It's upside down You can't read up Smurfs is what it looks like All right, so should we get started?

Should I start reading these questions? I'm ready if anybody's ready I am ready We're gonna give these real emails from real people Fake names to preserve their anonymity What kind of, what sort of theme of fake names? Can you come up with names for us? Houdreau

So you want to have like a consistency and theme to the names we're gonna use? Or you could just make them up at random I'd love to do that Okay I think the first one should be It's a guy Alabaster Alabaster

Alabaster McAllister So quick Oh my god In case you needed to have a full name Alabaster McAllister I feel so bad It's, it's a female

Alabaster McAllister Alabaster Why did her last name change? Female A female last name It's like an Iceland All right Ready?

Yeah Dear guys My boyfriend of eight months has been away on a euro trip for the past week We have spoken every night and promised to be faithful to each other Yesterday he was acting weird when talking about Amsterdam I went on, I went on his Facebook He had given me his password and he found, and I found out That he had paid 30 euros to sleep with a prostitute in the red light district

What's my next move? Should I end it? Ignore it? Or forgive him? Thanks Alabaster Alabaster McAllister Wow

Tough stich, stuff, stuff, situation Very, oh I'm your bro Stuff situation Um, hmm Well, first thoughts My first thoughts, well, you know, there's You gotta be delicate about this one Game moves is a real situation, but like, you know

My first thought is that I don't believe it's real Well, okay, I'm gonna go with it She, she did go on to his Facebook So this is something, this is her information She knows something that he doesn't know that she knows That's right Um, she's, we need to see, we need to see Really, she needs to play it out a little bit in my opinion

And see if he's going to uh Bring it up Like, if he's, if he's gonna admit to her, let's, let's see He won't You don't think so? No, you don't see where the prostitute and tell your girlfriend This is like, this is his way of hopefully cheating Without necessarily the emotional attachment

Super guilty, she said he was acting weird Maybe he was just It'll come out Oh, so like, what are you gonna give him a week And then be like, if he doesn't bring it up Like, then we're gonna break up But if he does bring it up, then maybe he's an honest guy It'd be kind of her to break up with him now

So the rest of his time in Europe, he could fuck prostitutes guiltfully That's true, she's being a little bit selfish at the moment Super selfish I don't think, I don't think there's much coming back from that though Uh, she, she, she should just uh She's never gonna be content with knowing that information Yeah, that's not okay She can't just not ever bring it up

That's insane Yeah Just never, oh yeah, I'll just never bring it up Here's the thing that I picked out from that is um Is it weird to promise someone that you'll be faithful If they're your boyfriend or girlfriend? Or is that, yeah, shouldn't that promise be implicit? Yeah, it's just unsaid, right?

It's like, I'm gonna go to Europe and I promise you I won't cheat on you As soon as you brought up Eight months is a long time Yeah, eight months That's a serious I think that's like, the trust should be inherent by then You shouldn't be like, I won't cheat on you while I'm there Yeah, if you promise that you won't cheat on someone, you probably already have

Right And if you're not gonna cheat on someone, you don't have to promise Because it's such a foregone conclusion That's romantic Yeah I would say that's true That's our first true statement Of the day

Brought to you by Smurf Microphone That's my first Smurf Microphone fact That is true to the day We're gonna go seven more Would you consider that More or less damaging than cheating on a girl with not a prostitute? I don't really think that there's a difference You think cheating with a random girl at a bar is just as bad as cheating with a prostitute?

Ask me next I have a response Yeah, I was just talking to her I know You never ask me shit You ask her guess questions I'm ready to talk All right, I know you are because you interrupted

Okay I just have a response and that's okay I know and we'll get to it But I just want to hear him out for a second Me too I feel like Cheating is cheating? I think

Disagree for the following reasons No, I know All right If you're gonna say this is some sort of business arrangement and therefore it's different I think you have to come down to the intent and the action And it's the same in both situations All right, go hit That is

You know what? I could I could debate you or I could rap battle you Holy shit, is this happening? Oh, you're gonna you're gonna drop a bomb-ass chorus on me before you Anyway, I choose debate Oh, okay. Thank god Well, I think that there's like some level of When you cheat there's sort of like it's this can't be an illicit affair because it's a whore

That he had Because there's no emotional cheating to this is what you're saying. Yeah. Well. Yeah. It was like a totally physical thing this girl Or this sorry this whore that he slept with this whore woman She can prostitutes be offended if you call them whores. Is that a derogatory term? I think it's still mean. Yeah. Yeah I feel bad. Yeah, it's really saying the word whore makes me feel really Bad. It's the hard R sound. Yeah whore. Yeah, how about ho so this slut these whores ain't loyal these oh god This um

Prostitute which is also a pretty derogatory term. Right. What are we? What's the nicest way to call a woman a woman a night walker a night walker a sex artist A sardis artist a sartorial artisan like she's a subway employee for sex. Yeah So she time she anyway, uh, she was paid to fuck him So she's isn't like in love with him. She's not gonna keep on fucking him So this is like at least a one-time thing that he did in amsterdam versus like when he was home Bored didn't want to be with his girlfriend started cheating on it. Yeah, it's almost one level above masturbation Right, you could it's just using instead of like your hand. He used another vagina. Yeah, you paid for a vagina to have right well, so

And also you have to take into account that it's amsterdam like partly It's the experience of like going to the red light district and having sex with a whore, right? What well, I you said whore again I know I know people who have done this Prostitutes. Do you do you guys know people who who have been in this situation? Uh, yes, I know people that have had sex with prostitutes. I know people that have had sex with prostitutes in the red light district In amsterdam and would you consider that cheating? Yeah, obviously, right? Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's still it's definitely cheating. I'm just not sure that it's like worse than

The other kind of cheating right this is just a sex cheat This isn't like an like emotional cheat is pretty fucked up So emotional and sex that's the worst kind of cheat Then an emotional cheat is pretty bad and then a sex cheat is pretty bad Can I just bring up one other fact in this? She said he was gone for a week Like what's wrong with this dude? It wasn't like you took a semester abroad and he's like damn I gotta hold out like he was just like i'm in europe for seven days. I don't care about anyone else but myself He's kind of a selfish dude alabaster hit me up if you want a real man in your life

He was only he's only going it's the boy for an of eight months, but he's only been on a euro trip for a week Yeah, like damn and it looks like he just didn't even make it two days It's like two days into the trip giving facebook password and like oh shit. I already I got out of here I got it That wasn't smart of him to give his girlfriend His facebook password and then have a conversation but is he facebook messaging with the prostitute? How does he was negotiating the rate? Yeah, like over facebook or is he telling all his friends out at this time? 30 euro seems a lot. He he poked her. That's what it was. He probably just poked her and she

30 euros is actually pretty good. Yeah, it's like 50 bucks Just to have sex. Yeah, that's amazing We live in the coolest time. Would you have sex with a prostitute or are you past that age? I feel like I told the story on the podcast where I tried to get a blowjob from a prostitute, right? But now a day now a day. Yeah um Yeah, no, I don't think I would I think that it's like pussy I'll fuck a prostitute tonight as long as you don't call me that again. Uh, yeah, it seems like What about you hood? No, I wouldn't do that

But would you have ever you don't seem like the kind of guy that would have ever had sex with a prostitute You got that neurotic jewish thing that I have like it's being scary and dangerous You got that neurotic jewish thing called you're a really you're a handsome artist, but you're You're a nerdy like a mirror on the inside. Yeah. Oh, totally. Oh, that's also also. There's no like there's no Achievement to it, right? Like you didn't have you don't have to really work hard Right, so there's no unless you don't have money you need to work hard to get the money Yeah, which is like kind of a cool reward. Yeah, and like oh man I saved up all weekend working at the sizzler so I could bang this prostitute

But like, you know, there's no there's no chase to it So are you like are you kind of like that with strip clubs too where you're like, why is this fun? Why is this enjoyable? I am so awkward and uncomfortable at strip clubs Yeah, I think it's not that I've been to not that I've been to many but like if they come to talk to you I'm like, please stop. I'm not interested in in this dialogue that we that we may have to enter into Oh, man If you got a friend who's like super super comfortable at strip clubs Got a question that friend like why are you so why are you so good here?

Why are you so good at this and where does that mean you're bad? Yeah, so just to bring it back to this lady. What's my next move? I think the next move if I were you is to bring it up because like if it's probably it seems like it's gonna Festern and destroy the relationship. Yeah, especially he gave you the password. So it's not even like I looked through your phone I know I shouldn't have she's It seems like they had like this kind of relationship where you was like you can log on to my facebook And that's what she found. I think she should post a facebook status on his page Oh that says

I'm an idiot who fucks trippers or prostitutes. That's amazing and like tag his mom and dad in the post Yeah, and then like that's what you should do. That's like a really cool meme. So it gets a lot of likes Yeah, like it's patrick stewart talking to the camera and says why the fuck on the top and then at the bottom It says did I fuck a prostitute in Amsterdam when I have a relationship I have a girlfriend at home Bad guy, whatever his name is they'll make a bad guy meme of him. Yeah, we'll go on the coveted post Yeah, I have so many views and He'll regret that there. You want to create a meme start an actual new one that yeah, like there's good There's good guy gregg, right? Yeah, like bad guy. I'm gonna call him miles. Yeah, that's the vibe I was getting

That's a bad bad guy miles miles in alabastia. I will power a couple goes on goes on euro trip Well, there's prostitute. There's already a scumbag steve. So I'm afraid that I like bad guy miles anyway Bad guy miles. So what would you do if you were her? That's what I would do. Oh, you would fuck with him I would just the revenge and and then never talk again Then it is it is good to like have a guilt-free Ability to take revenge on someone like you don't really get that very often You don't get that opportunity in your life to just be really mean and fucked up But it's like no one would take his side against you right

This is like a she could punch him in the face and everyone would be like that's cool. Yeah You should punch him in the face. Have you thought about that? Yeah Like that's awesome How often do you get to punch someone in the face and like if anybody asked what like you punched him in the face? Why like he had sex with the prostitute and answer jam like oh good for you. Yeah, it's almost a congratulations They want people want you to punch her world star it though. Yeah worldstar hip-hop.com. What is it? You don't know? Oh man jay dab bum fights though You don't know world stars. No

All right, well bum fights. No, it's just like It's just like ridiculous videos of people doing like hood rat things with their friends And and like go you go in there and like you see like if someone punches another dude out and there's like five Do the cameras go around yelling world star world star and like you just make you just clown on people basically Yeah, that sounds like a great site. Why is that hip-hop? Well, I don't understand the hip-hop correlation They also put music video on there. So it's that and also uh music videos. It's it's just a great website That's their business plan. Yeah, you should get them to sponsor the show. Uh, all right next question. Yeah Uh, this one is from a guy

So let's call him alabaster. Let's call him miles. Maybe my girlfriend just found out The other guy in this cop the problem. Um, give him the opposite advice. I just played off Don't don't don't tell her dude. Pedro Facebook password. I told her to post us that is oh shit. Yeah, this is advice for him Uh, do you have a name or do you want to go with miles? Oh, uh, no, no, no we already use miles. Um, this is going to be Dick Cheneyberg. Oh I like that inspired by a real person. Yeah, who? Mark Zuckerberg. Yeah. Yeah Dick Cheneyberg writes

Hey guys when my girlfriend gets annoyed at me for stuff like not putting enough photos of her on my instagram She does this thing where she walks on the other side of the sidewalk At least a meter or two away from me if I try to walk next to her She moves even further away and leaves me feeling like some kind of stalker. Is it weird or is it just me? I don't see the value of social sites and apps like IG But maybe I'm wrong. We'd love to hear your opinion over and out. Love dick Cheneyberg That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard. I think the weirdest thing about that was the metric system used in the beginning A lot of our fans are british. Yeah, or british columbian or columbian

Or just not american But like why tell us about what she does when she's mad. Well, well, that's the question Is it weird that she does it? I think I thought it's is it weird that she gets mad Yeah, is it it's obviously weird that she does this thing where she walks on the other side of the sidewalk? I guess Yeah, that is well. Yeah, that's also weird. So but uh Is is it weird or is it just him? It's just so specific to be like She she goes to the side of the sidewalk two meters ahead of me Like it doesn't matter what she does, right? So, yeah, well, it sort of it paints a picture a little bit more

Yeah, you can tell exactly what kind of means Mad she is Uh, would you say this is a big deal the posting not posting enough photos of her on instagram? It's one of those things that like Oh The other night when I was in new york, I saw like the beginning of The best fight like is these two people walk they're walking ahead of uh, was it on world star hip hop? Yeah They should do they should do world star

World star hip hop but for like passive aggressive normal people fighting. That's yeah So they like whatever discussion they were having had come to a head this girl Stopped she just looked at the dude. She's like I want you to unfollow her on instagram And he said back i'm not gonna do that And I was just like their night sucks friday night. That's the beginning of the night. This is the fight. That's their Ah, it sucks so much. I bet that that comes up a lot probably right. That's so real. I think so. Yeah, that is very real And but it's weird because it's like so so small

And yet it's not nothing though But what if she was like I want like all right, so say this girl is his ex, right? Yeah, I want you to unfollow her like Yeah, of course. No, okay. Sure. I was just still following her unfollow. That's it Conversation over or maybe she's like a big enough person that she's like, I don't care We follow us on instagram like we're walking on the street right now. She doesn't bring it up. That's good. That's beautiful but then like These two like this these two people coming at each other that stubbornness. Yeah, so detrimental Well, if you have to ask a test if you have to ask someone to unfollow somebody then it's not even like even if they do it

It's not good. Right. It's like, oh, I did it just for you. Are you happy now? But I think that's fine. If you like really didn't care Then he It's I don't know it is a 2014 problem. I don't want you to look at photos that your ex-girlfriend took We didn't even know that this is an ex-girlfriend. This might just be like Melania glacius or something like that. It's rihanna. Yeah, rihanna I was just trying to get Melania glacius might listen and then she's going to be impressed at her name drop to hell Who is Melania glacius? I don't know. She's really popular on instagram. Really? I don't know this because I don't follow her

A lot of my friends do Yeah, so have you ever been reaching for our phones? Melania glacius. I feel like this is a very I I I can speak to this because I have a problem with social media That I don't I don't think you guys have the same problem Which is I'm always on my phone and always looking at this but this is like Well, you're way more popular that like you have hundreds of thousands of fans on twitter and instagram, right? Yes Yes, I do and I really I really do

So this is a big it's a big part of your life. No, but at the same time. I think Jake hit on this question. Yeah. Yeah Jake nailed it on the head though. Neither people should neither neither people neither. I think I don't know I think they both work either They shouldn't care is the point or either Either neither neither of them should care because it's so small and insignificant And it just it just shines a light on how like we Put a big magnifying glass on on things like

Who you follow on instagram or how many pictures you take of somebody on instagram is reflective of like How much you care or how much you love someone or don't I mean like it's it's very strange But now that's how we operate because we're always looking on our phones and using that as a metric for like Right relevance and but it since we are it's it almost makes sense that she would get mad if Only only I think here's what here's what I think If he's like taking pictures all the time of like dogs and food and like his car and he's posting all that shit And she's like why are you not proud of me? You're proud of like your car You're proud of these dogs, but you like don't want to share me with anybody then like maybe I would be like

I don't think I could ever be so upset that I'd bring it up But I'd be like, ah, like that hurts me a little bit. You wouldn't bother you Maybe in some really really real. I'm not me, but I can I can see a world where here's where she's valid We were like, sorry. I continue. I'm just saying it sounds like he doesn't post anything on instagram So she shouldn't be so upset if anything this guy should just delete instagram be like, you know what? I don't even have the app anymore. So who are you mad at now? I don't even exist She leaves them Well, I don't want to fucking date someone without an IG account. Fuck dude. Uh, we grew up pre instagram

So for us instagram is not a huge part of our lives if you're like between the ages of 13 and 18 Instagram is all you know. So instagram is like the new whatever. It's the way to like Display any emotion. So like for some people and it's not even instagram. It's like, I don't know What are kids using these days? Yo instagram is like the new hamsterdance.com What's the oh my god, I'm so old right now All I want to say is no one's gonna understand that snapchat snap snap. No snapchat is huge people off snapchat Are they already snapchat is is I would almost say Is so next that it's ridiculous really next wait like like it's it's it's gonna overtake instagram

Oh, yeah, that's not going anywhere. Really? Yeah, what about kick kik use that? No, I don't that's like the next level below That's the minor leagues. That's the minor. I don't understand how snapchat has any staying power It's the most boring app. It literally disappears after six seconds. The app should also go away that fast I think it's no not like 24 hours. Oh really for like oh because you consent because you can do everybody and you could show off your little moments Your life without it being spammy because it goes away Right, that's just I can't justify snapchat. I just know that kids have like very do you snapchat?

No, but I know that kids have very short attention spans and like yeah the shorter the better I read an article that like Because I read I can read I read I read a tweet actually. That was pretty interesting. Yeah, I read a tweet on An app somewhere about snapchat that said like some teacher was like this is the most disruptive thing that's ever happened in the classroom In my 25 years of teaching. Oh, I can't imagine being a teacher right now Every kid has an iphone under the debt like we were already distracted with TI 83 books. Yeah, like paper connecting games If you actually had a phone you'd be done. There's no way you're you're trying to teach kids about history kids are gonna be so stupid

We're already pretty dumb imagine how dumb they're gonna be Uh, so has this ever happened to you like somebody getting mad at you about an instagram related um issue I Yeah, kind of I mean, I know that I can't Liking or just following well Just the idea of not posting a picture of of your girlfriend, but you spend a lot of time posting pictures of yourself That's not A super admirable trait apparently

So i'm working towards that i'm working towards my maturity on that And also well, it's kind of separate from instagram But I did get yelled at a little bit for taking pictures with fans But at at a baseball game But not interested in taking pictures with like with my girlfriend at that same baseball game I was like, oh, I don't like I just don't like taking pictures, but then like a fan would come up and be like, yeah Well, here's the thing you're Which I think I was wrong for but still your instagram like do you consider it the

Steven instagram or the hoodie alan instagram because those are like two different people. Yeah, um Maybe that's my that's my multiple personality for people listening. We don't know So your your instagram is more towards your career So that's why you post pictures of fans and shows and not necessarily a picture of like your mom or dad Yeah, I don't know it's it's a weird place right because where do the lines blur in general for people on what they should and should Well, you're really good. You're really good at social media like what's your what advice would you have like? What are your tips like you want more twitter followers? Well, you little asshole, I think we could be better at engaging our I think we do a pretty good job

And then you're like one level above that You respond to almost every tweet, correct? Well, I've responded to like a lot, right? I don't say every tweet But um, here's a good metric is how many times you've tweeted No, don't do that and I know because this is this is not just like you trying to be funny This is like how many times you have replied to people right sounds stupid See like just as a good litmus test Our account the jacadamere slash my account 4,600 tweets Yeah

So that seems like a lot a lot of fan interaction then I go to hoodie alan's gonna be so bad Wait, we I did four. Yeah, 4,600 4,600. Do you know what you're at? Yeah, 146,000. That's correct 146,000 tweets 25 30 times 40 times what we have. Yeah, but you know what though? Honestly, I just I only really tweet when I'm pooping. I just poop a lot So that's what it is even more fiver. That's just a lot of poop tweets five or one bars and you know But you're great at responding and and like involving your fans. I mean, this is ridiculous. It's crazy It takes so much time and effort, but your fans love it. That's the thing. It's really confusing. Well, maybe it does

I don't know. I really do it in like downtime I think I do it instead of having conversations with actual people in the real world But do you do it as a chore like I better respond or like you actually love interacting with your friends? No, I really like doing it except when people are being mean and I'm like, oh, damn When they're being mean are you mean back? Are you like? Yeah? Oh, I sass this shit out of it. Oh, really? Yeah, and then I regret it Because you can't win an argument on the internet with anyone because even if you burn someone so badly They just go I'm 15 and you're arguing with a 15 year old and you're like dammit

I lose again lose. Yeah Damn, we tend to just ignore the haters although remember when gary. You guys don't have haters. We have haters We remember when gary vader chuck like a z on sorry and they like boo. We hate you. No, it's more like you guys are sorry Yeah, he's trolling us. Oh really? It's just he's all the accounts I would love that but uh, gary vader chuck is also super into social media told us like if you go in there and talk to The haters you can like convert them into fans. Yeah, so we started doing that like when not all the time but Sometimes when people are like write something I think I did it on like reddit before

Yeah, we're like hating on this video and I like responded in the comments like very Earnestly just being like, hey, I don't know why you guys hate it. I really like it. Here's what I thought was funny Yeah, I respect you so much. Thank you for talking to us after that was just like They were just like all humans because they realized that like I was in their reading But when when you don't think anyone's reading it's like talking about somebody behind their back They're like they don't think they were reading the comments Don't think you're a real person. It becomes a point where it's just like you're not real so we can just say whatever Right an idea and then you just like poke your head in the room. You're like, hey, I hear you guys talking about me

Oh, fuck. We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry. No, no, no. We like you. It's just that with this one video and and and Yeah, that's so true Sorry, stop trolling them. All right Come on, dude, people Uh, what's this guy's specific question? Is it normal that she's so I think it's really just it's one of those like pick your battle things if It's so easy to just be like, okay. Yeah, sure. I'll pictures with her and that's because it doesn't matter at all It doesn't matter. It's so meaningless. Your followers won't give a fuck It'll make your girlfriend happy and that's it the end post three pictures of her and that's like

He'll get laid and you won't have to spend 30 euro in Amsterdam the next time he's there Call back to a former joke. I like that. I like that Jesus and but then the then the alternative is like if he doesn't If you like really doesn't like social media. It's not about his girlfriend. You just you should just tell her that it's I don't know. Just don't be the guy. Don't be the guy who says I'm not going to unfollow her. Yeah, I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do so. It's not weird that she's asking that that's the new normal I do think it's kind of the new normal And not necessarily that she wants it's it's weird if she's like post like a picture of me every single day But like right just want a couple when you're in a relationship

I feel like people like I would like you to I'd like to feel like you're excited by me You know, but you're the one who said that he would never announce On facebook that he was in a relationship. Yeah, I don't think I would do that. Yeah Well, that's the same thing. What if somebody got mad at you about that? I guess I would just be like it I think I'd show my love in enough other ways like instagram Yeah, look at me instagram pictures we have Hawking every social media. I got to be a free bird. Yeah, at least on twitter you get to choose two out of the three Like a grab bag

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Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code If I were you to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Uh, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace Uh, all right third question question the third Uh, we need another dude's name. Oh another dude's name Clint You guys don't know but I edited out uh 75 minutes of silence before that

It was close to a movie a feature length film where the silence took a long walk It came back sat down still couldn't come up with anything that was four seconds. I must be really bad at sex Clint writes So I found myself in a conundrum I'm just starting college and I've only had sex three times and feel it's important for some reason to keep track of all My sexual partners because I because I take having sex pretty seriously Recently a girl invited me over and as we were hooking up I tried to take off her pants But she wouldn't let me we then proceeded to quite literally have sex with our clothes on

She was riding my dick and we weren't even kissing and she was topless just literally having sex She rode me furiously until I ejaculated all over her couch and then until she finished We basically had sex, right? My question is should I count this experience as having sex? Even though technically there wasn't quote-unquote penetration per se and should I add this girl to the list of sexual partners? I had does it technically count? Thanks for your thanks for the advice. I'm your biggest fan. Love you guys love Clint I'm so glad I chose Clint now because it's so appropriate. I like that. He's leading us

He's like we literally had sex. Do you guys would you count it technically keep in mind? We literally did you didn't literally have sex you liar That's the it was the opposite of literal sex. That was figurative to be sure literally having sex Yeah, I almost should count because it sounds like it was a very painful and shaping experience that occurred that Was probably way less pleasurable might as well be sex. It's pretty cool that she got off very seriously. Remember that he takes his Very seriously takes sex very seriously. Yeah, I think whether or not you take sex seriously Everybody likes to have that number in their brain whether you take sex seriously or not

I feel like three three times already doesn't feel like that's pretty good. He shouldn't be stressing too bad Yeah, you could take one off. You don't you don't need this one. You don't need this I mean and you guys hooked up. So maybe you still can have sex with it. Just don't count it yet Yeah, yeah, because when you actually have sex, you'll be not that excited. It didn't happen yet That's just the fact your penis wasn't in her vagina. That's what sex sex isn't coming because then you have sex every time you masturbate, right? Oh, if by his metric is like, oh, yeah, there was enough friction and I ejaculated that's sex, right? So let's say this happened Sex but you couldn't get it up or it couldn't stay hard

So penetrated but you didn't come. Yep. I mean you shouldn't count it just out of pride, right? Yeah, I don't know that seems like Sex without coming is different than sex with like losing your erection and not coming. I don't know I need more information. All right Uh, you have an erection. Let's get Clint on the phone Let's just say you have an erection, but you can't ejaculate because the condom is Uh, prohibiting you condom. What condom condom. Oh, yeah that rubber that you wear to prevent sexually transmitted diseases. Yeah

what I mean, even if you don't use them, surely you'd know what they are, right? Excuse me. Oh, you just you can't hear anything I'm saying then Yeah, you would I think I would consider that sex if you are if you fuck without coming But like they're still fucking. Yeah, so that's penetration penetration is sex ejaculation. Not so much. Yeah Sir, I oh, I judge number two. I agree a hundred percent I don't know why this this kid is so eager to to count every time he like gets close to a girl He's got to relax Clint. Relax man. Let's relax

You're gonna have plenty of sex not if you have that attitude though. All right That's true. Take a girl. Maybe he's gonna be so good at dry humping that that's gonna be his reputation I feel like he hasn't heard of dry humping. That's what it sounded like from the he's never heard of dry humping That's exactly what it was, right? How do you go from like he's never had never had sex, but he's never had dry humping. He's never dry humped anybody Well, he's literally they literally had sex. Maybe he's never had sex and this is kind of literally dry sex Yeah, so that makes four literal sexes and zero of the actual kind Uh, so we're we're not counting it. Of course says not counting it Clint clear

You didn't have sex. All right. There it is. Let's take our break. Let's chill out a little bit. Thank god What have you been up to dude me? Um, what's new? Yeah, what's what would you say? What's gucci? Yeah, what's gucci? Oh, you know Just doing some some new music and stuff like that. Well, since let's say since your last appearance on jacademy What's your schedule like a couple months of writing a couple months of touring and then alternate between the two Basically more or less, you know, there's been like I get a lot of people at my shows Who always ask me to play the aardvark rap in some sense or they just or they just yell at me Do you ever rap about artworks at your shows? Sometimes they'll do the whole rap in front of me I don't do it at the shows, but like they'll do the whole thing. Oh, yeah, not during the show

I mean like in the line or something. Yeah in the line and then they'll be like they'll just come up to me They'll shake my hand and be like what's like how cold is aardvark come I'll just be like cold And then they then they come in their pants and ask if it was sex, but But no, so we've been yeah I've been getting a lot of requests to do a part four and I keep telling people it's happening. It's happening It hasn't happened. We should do it. Yeah, but but um, it's happening. But it's am I just telling me it's happening Let's make the announcement right now. Holy shit. It's happening. It's gonna happen. We're literally gonna do it

We're literally having part four Happen we should do that. What are you in la next because you can't you can't do in the next two days I don't know maybe I can Let's not let's not tease the people because I hear this they're gonna they're not gonna be satisfied. All right. You heard it here first It's coming out Tuesday Tomorrow that's right. We have to stop this by the time you hear this. It's already out If it's not your internet is broke You just did a cool tour where you instead of trying to sell as many tickets as possible to every show you capped it at 500

Yeah, which for you is small for us would be it's still an enormous show But for you like you sold out within a couple minutes the entire tour, right? Yeah, as we alluded to I mean, I have I have a lot of yeah, I mean, I mean just like your tweets You're already working at 35x our popularity. So it's not really fair to compare But you you did something interesting that you were talking to me earlier about you did the meet and greet before the show You met every single fan of the show before the show. Yeah, so it was a whole like meeting greet tour It's what what people would call like an underplay because it's you know, it's smaller than than a usual show And I wanted to do that. So I met every single person who who got to take it to the show, which was

Pretty awesome a lot of Purell involved in this process But it was awesome. But yeah, we did that before so like they would come and do the doors They'd basically meet me and then at some point I would run away Take a quick poop, you know change my clothes Send out a thousand tweets Send out about 40 tweets during that time And and then I get on stage and perform and then the show

You know is don't go home See our fear is meeting people before our fear of meeting people before the show is that like when we go on stage We want that to be the first people first time people see us But you said people were even more excited to see you after the meet and greet Well, I think just because of the nature of the whole thing they were even more excited and they were just excited to be there but And I don't know if this happens to you, but you know, no one expects me to be funny or to do anything So I don't know if people meet you and they're like

Tell me a joke clown and like Is that a thing that happens like they want you to be like no one's ever said clown, but yeah, we should wrap in the line That's what we should do. We should show off some other skill. We do that sometimes Yeah, if we're just tipsy enough, we do start rapping for no particular reason But like is that a thing is it because they want like great impression beforehand and then you're like well I'm I got a show to do like the show is the focus not the Yeah, we're just we just we just don't want to you just hate your fans. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I hate our fans I well, I don't know why we don't do it before I guess because like it's when we do it. It seems so like

Disorderly it's like as people are leaving. It seems I don't know how we could do like An hour before the show then people sit down then we go backstage. I'm too nervous before a show I don't think anybody would want to meet me. Yeah, that's another thing. It's like a good cool I'm not a good I like don't like performing very much. So I need to be I get in my head before yeah, I think I think uh, I think doing it after is actually normal. So I definitely like the this was like a was it an experiment. It was an experiment. It was an experiment successful I think so do it again Definitely

But your next tour is not going to be capped at 500 no Definitely sometime in the future Uh, but not tomorrow. But yeah, you know, I don't know people I think people appreciate like I'm sure people appreciate meeting you at any point in time Like whether it was before or afterwards or in the parking lot. Yeah, they're stalking you and you're as long as it's in a parking lot They don't care when yeah, yeah, yeah, when they follow you home and all that stab you Uh, who's a better rapper me or jake? Clint

That that's hard, you know, uh I I think I'm here. I think you have an edge. I think you have a little bit of an edge But that's that hurts. Fucked. You know what jake's edge is jake is better at Uh, freestyling coming up with uh lines off the top of his head and I have like the other side Which is like your technical skills. Yeah, like my natural ability Like if I had your creativity with my natural ability or you had my ability with your creativity Yeah, like when I think I think I have ability, but I see what you're saying and I'm wishing that you had my Like when you did that spoken word thing, it was so slow. You're able to take your time. No, that was pretty fast

That was it was really Are you a good freestyler? Do you have to be a good freestyler to be a good rapper? You don't have to be but I do think that freestyling is an important aspect of it And it's fun like it shouldn't be so serious. Do you ever freestyle during a show? Um, sometimes when I forget the lyrics to a song in like the middle of it And I want to play it off like I didn't forget the lyrics to my own song I just like break into a freestyle and I make sure to mention the city. I'm like, oh singing a song and then I'm like, uh,

Detroit is in the house Hopefully we're in Detroit. Otherwise Regardless of where you are. You say it in Detroit every single time. I'm always in Detroit So yeah, I mean no, there there were times when I play college shows I sometimes do this still where like I would do a freestyle that was like Relevant and dedicated to the crowd, you know, sort of making them seem like we're on the same page Like we're all in this together, you know, like real men. You don't know me yet, but I know all about you That's like let's be friends. It's like the comedy equivalent of crowd work

Which always does really well because it's like, oh, you're making it a personal event for these people No, people love like Freestyles about them like you mentioned like they're like the place where they go eat pizza at night and they're like fuck Yeah, that is where I eat pizza I eat all the pizza there. Yeah, and then it's just like you have them hooked Uh, should we freestyle or is that you're gonna be embarrassing? Oh, you know, that's freestyle Should we do read the next question and freestyle the answer Every question for

That's gonna be a lot of pressure done. Whatever dude, let's do it Wait, so who's where we get all three of us going to take turns rapping. Yeah, I'll go first Okay, so hoodie will do your beat. Okay, you do my beat and I'll do hoodie's beat. Thanks. Awesome. Okay Here we go. Uh, yeah This guy is whoa. This is weird Pete. All right, I'll get to it All right, give me a man's name a man's name Uh, Geronoffeld What wow, it's like if my last name was also a giraffe

Hey guys, I'm emailing because recently I was pressured into launching a compressed air cartridge in the middle of class My friend said it would be hashtag dope and it wouldn't go anywhere It would just die down and spin on the ground a lot, but it freaking flew I mean it went crazy all over the classroom and I almost hit a kid I received a couple days suspension for it, but I could have received more if it hit someone Okay, now to the problem some of the kids in class are afraid of me and this And some think they can just get me to do whatever by asking me enough times and convincing me that it'll be okay How do I make this scare kids? How do I make the scared kids trust me again?

How do I make the other kids stop pressuring me into situation? Thanks P.s. You should definitely have hoodie Allen on for an episode. What? Did you know that? No, my fans are crazy That's awesome. All right So I want I want to update. Oh, no, no, no you you say you do your thing. I'll get my beat ready. Okay, and Cool, okay Here we go now Brothers Detroit's in the house

Yo, okay, you got a air cartridge. You are a partridge Here we go. Here it is. Here it is. This is this is what it is. This is for real Hey kid, you don't always have to do what people say not You fuck you're you're you're trolling me dude. No, you're so funny man. You should do jokes Keep going keep going Yo, hey, okay. Yo Jake Detroit's in the building. Here it goes. Okay. Yo boy You are cool whether or not they tell you that at school You don't have to worry about what people think you don't have to worry about what they drink soda juice water or tea

You are cool to your mother to me I'm still going dude. Yo, okay, you oh believe in yourself mothfucka My name's jake. My name's jake bitch. Jay money. Jay money. Jay money Sucking titties sucking titties licking clitties We out and then you have to do it explosion noise. All right, I did it. He just kept going I got really excited. He survived the blast like a cockroach. Here we go. You got just some good really good advice Yeah, that was pretty good. Let's listen to the lyrics not just the soda the dope flow. Listen to the lyrics Water has the dope flow

I thought you were gonna be like soda water coffee wine The favorite drinks of high schooler All right, uh, spritzers some my turn. Yeah, but you have to give me the answer Uh, yeah, I guess just like don't worry about what people think you should be peer pressured into doing things because you think it'll be cool Okay, all right, I should okay. Here we go What was this guy's name Geronoffeld Geronoffeld. Hey, it's a mere blumenfeld going at you live gonna give you some Reassurance, don't worry about the peer pressure rinse or your parents or your your moms or your peers or your don't fear

Just have no fear because a mirror is here. Geronoffeld. It's blumenfeld. Here's my advice Yeah, okay, I don't subscribe to magazines like vice don't subscribe to ideas like don't kill mice Do what you want to do and not what you don't Do what you can and not what you won't you want to understand what you can't do So please just stay in school Or drop out third verse Oh, shit, there's actual pressure to be good. Yeah. Yeah, this is you Well, at least to live up to what we the bar that we set. Yeah, possibly high

You might fall under it. All right. Now. I gotta give you the beat. Give me the beat though Give me the beat though and you're ready. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm ready Trap shit real talk motherfucker Geronoffeld listen up Yo, you're crazy forever. All your friends gonna hate you What you gonna do probably go on a date, dude with mad chicks You're the scary ass kid. All them want to suck your fat ass dick. Yeah, I heard your dick's fat I heard it's nice and juicy. This is cool. They love fucking your dick. This is what I'm saying

Don't even worry shoot everybody shoot everybody That was amazing And the advice was on point, too Wow She's so real so so basically what i'm saying What I meant with all that is that like Embrace your new role and live that shit up and just be the bad dude because honestly the kids were scared of you Or always gonna be scared of you and the kids were gonna make you do stuff

You just get given to the peer pressure and basically who cares if you fail out of school Like this is your new role now Wow, also don't hurt anybody. Would you say is the theme hurt like the small small people but like the big people leave them alone Or hurt one big dude and then no other big dudes will mess with you. You're thinking. Yeah, it was like prison Yeah, that's another that's actually another verse that I was thinking. I've been watching a lot of oranges the new black Yeah, I apologize piper. Yeah the pipe piper Uh, yeah, that's it. That was great. Thank you hoodie You're your debut much appreciated. Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming on the show. That's all. Yeah

That can you believe this is already lasted close to an hour That we had fun and time flies when we're having fun. Do you want do you have to plug anything? You're already more famous than we'll ever be. Yeah. No, I don't need to plug anything But I'm I'm super glad that you guys had me over to your humble abode and we got to do this And um, you know like rap teacher part four dropping tomorrow. Yeah Oh shit Yeah sign online right now Look on your tinder's the uh streaming live swipe it. That's right. That's how tinder's working. Yeah

Live streaming on tinder. Uh, cool. Your profile picture could be a video tinder. Y'all are listening up Oh, like an animated gif at the very least. Yeah Like and like those old dating videos they made in the 80s. Yeah Uh, if you have your own questions, you can email us at ifiriushow at gmail.com Hoodie might not answer them, but we probably will well, I shouldn't say probably odds are pretty slim There's thousands of questions. We'll try uh, and you can also submit theme songs that first one was written by garret not jake Garrett so thank you so much and this last one the closer is uh from a guy named jack in australia Thanks again for listening. Thanks again. Hoodie. We'll be back next week. Peace

The pitch shenanigans Send your questions to I promise you things will get real fire you Sometimes there's a guess If you're a dire straights my friends today we show The skies will do the best You Hey, what's going on? I'm brody Jenner. I am dr. Mike dowell

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